My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 271: Bro's Better, Bro's Best Ch. 82 - 91

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

This week, Middlest Brother Travis is flying solo so it’s time once again for another Bro’s Better, Bro’s Best! We’ve got some real humdingers in here including Dworp, Forever Pope, Cake Boss and a bunch more! Enjoy! 1: 30-- Teeeeens! 3:47-- Pee Secrets 5:36-- Universal Grinch 7:56-- Horse/Dog Secret Santa 11:17-- What Do Angels Eat? 14:47-- Awkward Mistletoe 18:57-- Forever Pope 23:17-- Bad Biologist 25:45-- Sexy Lettuce 31:52--WWUJFFHD 35:45-- Boyskinz 40:20-- Cakeboss 43:25-- Save By The Bell Murder 48:54-- Sportsnut 50:07-- Staring Contest 54:02-- Dworp Pt. 1 & 2 57:32-- Sword Pics 1:04:42-- Final Yahoo

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. Griffin and Justin are away. They're traveling about this great world of ours, exploring new adventures. I don't know, I think they're working. I don't really pay attention when they talk, but this is our best

of episodes. It's episode 82 to 91, so we're getting close to that 100 episode mark. We hope you enjoy it. It includes a lot of my favorite bits, including Dwarp and Cake Boss and a bunch of good ones, so I hope you'll like it. Yeah, here you go. Enjoy. Who has this much time? You know, when I last updated my status update, when I want people to know that I did something cool, that's the only time that you should ever update your status or Twitter or anything. If you're doing something cooler than somebody else might be doing that exact second, that's when you tweet, or you're making something good for dinner. Over half of my status updates just say, check out this thing I did. That's basically

it. I made this thing. Okay, and as much as I hate people that are just like, I went to the store today, what I really hate is those ones that are like, a true friend will do this, but a dear friend, and I'm just like, fuck you. You know, that's people that don't actually have friends. Can you give me an example of what you mean, Travis? Yeah, Travis, I love an example. I would love this. You're going to have to give me a second. No, no, no, I would love it just like straight off the dome, free stuff. I don't know. So like a true friend will drive you to the airport, a dear friend will fly the plane. A good guy will get you flowers. The right guy will eat them for you. Eat these flowers. Prove you love me, eat these rhododendrons.

Prove your love and eat the rhododendrons. Eat them, David. Bite the rose. Bite the rose, David. What if our dreams are just blurred memories of our previous lives? What? These are all coming to us from Yahoo! Answers user, Los Pumas, who is really turned out about 60 of these. Okay. Dear parents, just because it's your house doesn't mean it's not my privacy. Sincerely, teens. Is this guy 45? Teens. Teens. Guess what? It does mean that. It means it. It means it all over. Teens. Teens. That's our new sign off from my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad's green lips is gone. Teens is in. Teens. Oh my god, there's websites that generate Facebook statuses for you.

Oh, no. Teens. Now I have a virus. This is an advice show for the modern era. We're gonna get to the advice in just a second, but first, some lady in this audience has a secret about these two. Yes, it's true. She knows who she is. She is probably too ashamed to admit it. When I get nervous pre-show, and I always do, I got to make peeps. And sometimes I have to use the one closest to the green room, which in this case was the ladies room. We didn't want to, I guess, ruin the magic of the show by exposing ourselves to the audience. There were two stalls in there. Travis and I agreed on peep procedure. We both went in, went in both stalls. There she is. There she is.

I'm sorry. Okay. Normally I want to apologize, but you did not follow the bathroom procedure. You didn't take all the handle. She didn't expect there to be two dudes. You always had to expect two dudes. You always expect two dudes in the bathroom. This is a classy show. She didn't should have to expect two dudes hanging out, crossing the streams. They were separate. Oh, there were two different. They were separate stalls. We are across the streams. They were separate stalls. We did pause in the middle and switch stalls. But that shows that we could get the full experience. I giggled in the middle of the act because it was so ridiculous to do it. That part's not true. I definitely giggled, though. Was I giggling when you came in?

I don't think it's rid of the pre-show jitters, like supreme embarrassment. Yeah, that's a deep shame. God, damn it. Um, okay. So, uh, he says I'm a Grinch. It doesn't matter what holiday it is. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, 4th of July. He did not include candle nights, but I'm assuming. Or anything else. Just can't get excited for him. I want to get excited and enjoy the holidays, but I just can't seem to. How can I stop being a Grinch? I like things. Okay. Normally, we try to cut a little deeper to the bone here on our show, but I guess like things is a is a perfectly suitable answer. Like every holiday, like Columbus Day and like Canadian Thanksgiving and stuff.

What about Independence Day? Maybe the All the Aliens. Can you not eat superfruit gummies during the show? Sorry. You sound like my, this is my tall, addicted brother Griffin. He loves two things, bad advice and smokeless tobacco. No, but really, Independence Day, not a fan of that. It's just fireworks and hot dogs. How can you not get into things exploding and also there are hot dogs there? Wait a minute. Is every day your life a holiday? Are you Tim McGraw live like it was, like I'm dying style? Every day out there, skydiving, rockin' mountain climbing? No? Well, you're here so I can tell that's not true. Wow. What do you have again? Let me say this. Do you have anything against

them or is it just like, eh? Yeah, I don't feel it. Oh, welcome to adulthood. Guess what? Nothing's as good as it used to be. You turn like 16 and people stop giving you candy and sparklers and it's sad from now on. Yeah, you have to, but then you have to drink chillers and five hour energy drinks just to feel. Yeah. We have a cure for your problem. It's called alcohol. Get on the bus. What I found in my adult life is all the holidays that I loved as a kid, like Halloween and Christmas and stuff, I had to give those up to appreciate holidays like St. Patrick's Day. So you're saying sacrifice a few holidays so that the other ones mean more? No, I'm just saying like, I've learned to appreciate, I don't have to go to work today

days and I get to drink all day days. How do you not like those days? And flag day. What's wrong with you? I think you're too broken for our help, but sir, I'm sorry, you will be issued a full refund at the door. You will not. I have a yahoo. A yahoo, you say? I have a yahoo answer. From the yahoo answer service. From the yahoo answers platform that was developed. I can't stop drinking it even though you have to stop drinking it now. It's like mouth art for your mouth. This one was sent in by Alithia Eckhart. Thank you, Alithia. It's by yahoo answers user, Nevea, who asks heaven backwards. Everybody, by the way, she's it with that. All right. Who? Almost your name is Nevea and you're here. In which case it's lovely. Who asks what can I get a horse and dog for Christmas?

We're having a Christmas party on this Saturday and we're doing Secret Santa and I got a horse named Daisy and a dog named Bandit, which Bandit is kind of old and only has 20% vision. So I can't really get him toys. So what else can I get a dog that only has 20% vision? Euthanasia. And what? Awww. And what do you buy a horse for Christmas besides treats? Horse treats, apples, sugar. Hey, guess what? That's the only thing that horses give a shit about and not being, those three things and not being kicked in the sides. Those are the four things that horses like. I got you this necklace of roses. I like oats and not having a man on me.

Maybe you could get him a smaller horse and a smaller dog. But you know what? Even those horses give a shit about holidays. Just saying. Hey. Just saying. Get it together. They got a little extra trot their gallop. Right around Thanksgiving and stuff. I don't know what horses like anymore. In my day, horses, they appreciated the simpler things like smuckers, raspberry preserve. I used to have my finger on the equestrian pulse and nowadays I just feel so divorced from it. You know what you could do? You could get the horse, a dog present and the dog, a horse present and then they swap them, gift the magi. That's not how gift the magi works. Taste of the watch chain. It's yours now. Gift of the lazy guy.

Swapperoo. It was flash of your horse. You don't fucking know that. Take it for granted. Somebody tells you to run in a circle. Like, okay, boss. I guess. Thanks. I hope I get oats for this. We've gone, I don't know, five minutes without addressing the fact that someone got a horse and a dog and a secret Santa. That's how this- What kind of fucking secret Santa is this? What kind of secret Santa is there where you draw a human being saying like, Oh, whoo. Shots to blood there. Thank God. Someone that wears shoes and pants and stuff. Yeah. I got the short straw. It looks like I got the horse. Good news. You can give the straw to the horse. Well, you will enjoy that very much. Why is your response not, this is a horse?

Uh, I- Excuse me. You have written. No, I entered the human secret Santa. I'm a human and I have a horse. Is this the horse and dog straw names? What the fuck is that horse gonna get? I got his shoes and like an apple. Do you want this eaten apple? Stephen the human isn't gonna like this apple. Bad news for Dorothy and accounting. You're not getting anything. Don't even buy a gift. You're going home empty-handed. Here's a Yahoo that has nothing to do with snooze. Uh, it's by Yahoo answers- Or a sentin- Sentin by nefariosity. Thank you nefariosity. It's by Yahoo answers user

question mark who asks, What do angels eat for my book? How to cook for angels. I am. I'd read it. I would. I'd read it. That Shinerbuck is so good after drinking that orange jizz for 30 minutes. That's because it's made in the US. It's made here in Austin. Guys, you gotta keep giving- Stop giving into me. I am writing a book and the girl in my book is pregnant with an angel and I want her to have

something to crave. How? Unfortunately, it's a biography. You're not writing a book. Let's be honest. You're justifying to your dad. Daddy is an angel. Trust me. It's an angel, baby. I'm trying to win a bet with my stupid friends. What do angels eat? Two different people in the Yahoo answers platform wrote angel food cake. Good one, guys. Nobody said angel hair pasta. Couldn't get another angel based food. Where about devil's food cake?

Can you believe it? Travis, if you make the jokes that are as bad as the jokes that are in there, then people don't have to listen. No, I said it in tone of voice like I'm mocking them, but it's all I could come up with. If we just had bad jokes snidely for 30 minutes, would you guys be cool? I think, like, anything? I guess anything they want to. Obviously, their teeth are made of metal. Angels, I pretty sure only eat cloud based foods. So like cloud burgers. Like cloud burgers, mostly. Right. Did they eat like tacos? Cloud tacos.

They can eat cloud tacos. They're not, they're not exclusively towards cloud burgers. There's a lot of cloud based foods in this situation. I am whipping up live on stage. Like Travis out there on a bold new frontier and he's writing the rules. They'll keep challenging me on this on this. About cupcakes. God damn it. Yeah, they eat those too, but cloud made of clouds in this situation I'm creating. What about? Have you guys ever seen improv before? This is how it works. Normally, we record for an hour and 15 minutes. You get 55 minutes showing.

These are the gyms you're missing out on. If you can believe it, you would be robbed of cloud. This is my brother, my brother, me, face to face, three, Tokyo drift, the cutting room floor. Do angels have to, do angels, let me bring it down. Do angels have to, things are getting too funny. Let's have a really intense theological discussion. What do you guys think about angels? If I get to heaven, taking all comers.

When I get, when I get to heaven and I become an angel, because I think I did a pretty good job down here. Pretty sure that's how it works. I don't want to have to have the onus of eating on me. Clouds, angels only eat because they're hungry. Because then, actually angels only eat to take food away from poor people. This is mine. This isn't made of clouds. I hate it. This one was sent in by Krista Weil and thank you, Krista.

I know she's sending like 30. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Minecraft, who asks, what are some awkward places to hang mistletoe? Belt buckle, gallows. Funny, awkward, uncomfortable, or bizarre places to hang mistletoe? Shanks. On the top of the coffin. Oh man, what?

It's Christmas. Yeah. Oh gosh. The top of the speculum? I don't know what that means. Okay. What is that like a time? What's a funny, awkward place to hang?

You know what I really like? On your belt buckle. That's hysterical. No, I already said that one. We know we're commenting on the comedy. Belt buckles was good. Yeah. Or about on the back,

what about on the back belt loop of your pants? So it looks like you're saying, kiss my fanny. That's what we're used to for candle lights. You have to say fanny. Now just so you know, Griffin, in many countries that aren't America, fanny means something completely different. Is that true?

Yeah. I didn't know that. What does it mean? That's dirty. I don't want to know about it because it's candle lights. What about anywhere? Anywhere in the world? Anywhere that you hang mistletoe is always

operated terrible. Guys, have you ever been, we've all been on this planet for between like 28 and 31 years. Or no, like 25 years, right? 24, but that's okay. Yeah. It's Christmas.

You don't know my age. That's all. I asked you for Christmas for a card. A birth certificate. Birth certificate. Bruce, some kind of proof. I wanted you and Obama to give me a birth certificate. So, like, have you guys ever been to a Christmas party

or a gathering or somebody's house where there was actually mistletoe on display? Yes, but not until recently. I went to a party and I walked into the kitchen. Hold on, wait. This story sounds like it's going to be long. Will it also be funny? Yeah.

It's very short. Is it linked to the humor? Let me assuage your fears. It's very short, but not funny. Okay, break on through then. I walked into the kitchen and looked up and there was a mistletoe hanging in the middle of the room and around the perimeter of the room

were eight guys looking really uncomfortable waiting for a girl to walk into the room. Go on, come on. What are you doing? Look up. You got me. Get some chopstick. Get your birds, bees.

It's smudging time. I can't, I don't, maybe this was a fever dream, but I feel like I went to a boy girl party in middle school where mistletoe was hung aloft from the rafters, like something that you hang from rafters. I think it's the most awkward thing in the world and I wish we would stop doing it. I've never been smooched.

Thanks to, no, thanks to mistletoe. Okay, okay. Yeah, I don't think that that's a, that's a real thing people are doing. Are there any good answers? The fifth street overpass, the end of my dog's tail. Whoa. That's awful.

And last but certainly not least, on your mom. Okay, it was funny for a minute. I don't actually, above the toilet. I like that actually. Kiss the toilet. Kiss that toilet before you use it. Hey, hey, everybody in mistletoe, you know that you don't just have to kiss

whatever inanimate object, it's not like a binding contract. On your dad's wardrobe, the letterbox on a table lamp, light switch. Come here, light switch. Cassandra says, put it in the guy's locker room, smiley face. I don't think that's going to play out how you think it's going to play out.

No, I- Good game, Brock. Hey, Brick, come here. Did you just name them Brick and Brock? Hello, Brock. Hello, Brick. I guess we should have seen this coming. Christmas law, boys.

It's Brick. I know, Brock. Why are we so adherent to it? Hey, good hockey. Come here. That's hockey sweater. Let me take it off of you while I kiss you under the mistletoe.

Hey, what's going on in here? Get out of here, Brick. Get out of here, Brock. Brick and Brock, kiss in. Come over here, Brick. You're cool. Brick. Don't you kiss parties?

It's pronounced Bruce, for the last time. It's Bruce. It's Bruce. This one was sent in by Horse Lover Fat. Thanks, Horse Lover Fat. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Touch my pigtails and die. Who asked?

Oh, no. If you were a legitimate vampire, as 99% of the world is, who would you surprise with the gift of eternal life this Christmas? For me, it would be Bob from Accounting. He has nice hair, and it deserves to look that way forever. Wow. A legitimate vampire. Not one of these fakey, not one of these fly-by-night.

Johnny come lately, vampires. Not one of these kids that go to the mall on a hot topic, and they buy the things, and they put them on their teeth, and they bite each other, and then they get sick from the bites. From the bites and the Chinese-made fake fangs. They've made a lead. You get sick from putting them in your mouth, and then from putting them in the neck.

I don't know if I can say this or not, but I think I would give eternal life to the Pope. Make him forever, Pope. Oh, no. You really, you're enjoying John Ratsenberg? Enjoying John Ratsenberg that much, that you're going to keep him as eternal Pope? I just kind of like the idea of forever, Pope.

I feel like you could really get a lot done. That's impossible. Think about it. If he, if he... None of us are Catholic, by the way. None of us are Catholic? If he, if you're a vampire, you can't... How is your day going to be?

He wears a cross on his hat. It's going to be unpleasant. It's going to be unpleasant. It's a labor of love. I'm going to live forever, and I'm going to have migraines the whole time, because there's a cross on my hat. Like, what are you talking about?

The Pope is the worst. I don't know anybody who... His whole style is going to have to change, and that's obvious. I don't know anybody who has more day-to-day cross exposure than the Pope. Okay, then I'm going to switch to David Borealis. Well, that's a little on the nose.

Yeah, he's the Pope of my heart. I know he can do it. I've seen him succeed as a vampire previously. You are the only one I know that can handle this power. I'm going to say Ellen. Why Ellen? Can you... Here's my reasoning.

Can you imagine a world after Ellen, post Ellen, P.E.? Uh... Can you imagine that you're one P.E.? I cannot, and I don't think the world could either. I don't want to imagine. I just want to see her dance, and she'll dance the whole show and never get tired, because she's a vampire,

and then she'll get angry at her guests who get tired. Because, like, when you're a vampire, you can pretty much dance forever. Can I do Robert Pattinson, just as, like, payback? Surprise. Surprise. Now you live forever. Oh, what if you gave him eternal life,

and then immediately staked him through the heart? Just, like, right away, one, two, punch. Well, that would just be... That would be murder. Or could you get it around the murder charge? You'd be like, hey, man, he was a vamp. Yeah. Hey, you can't...

You cannot be tried for killing a vamp. Okay. That's true. Or a tramp. You can get one from a rail car. Or a scamp. Or a scamp. Yeah, I hear what you're reading.

Oh, now I've got it. I'm going to turn all of the rail riders, all of the lovable hobos, into vampires. Oh, my God! Hey, ABC, I will sell you the series that I just created. Boxcar vampires! Beautiful boxcar vampires that ride the rails at 40 kms. Boxcar trampires.

Boxcar trampires. Boxcar trampires. What they'll do is they'll go around and have premarital sex, and then they'll go to college. And some of them learn a little bit about love, but a lot about themselves. Yeah, and one of them is Nef Campbell. More like matronly, I think.

I would have gone with Misha Barton, because she looks vampiric in the face reading. She does, right? She looks hollow. Her and Tilda Swinton, I think, would be a good... Tilda Swinton can be her mom. Can we sign Tilda on? I'm not ready for TV.

You get to play a boxcar vampire. Where do I sign? Yeah. How many times do I have to sign to be a boxcar vampire? That is an undeniable rule. I want you to know that sounds like Russell Brand doing an impression of Tilda Swinton. How about Russell Bay the vampire?

What's he doing? Russell, he already looks like he lives in a boxcar. Whatever the opposite of eternal life is, I would like to give to Russell Brand, I think. I would like to give him like 32nd life left remaining. Have one. Just to see what he does. Only now do I know what means to truly live.

Here's the thing. In this day and age, people change jobs, millennials. No one is tied to any one position anymore, which makes creating past work experience just the easiest thing. Pick a friend, write down their cell phone number, say they were the manager at the now defunct, etc. And then have the manager call them. Your friend will say whatever you tell them to.

Have the manager call us. We'll say whatever you want. Yeah, I'll say. I'll lie. I'll put a message. Five dollars, I'll tell them you were president. Is it possible that it's not like they're underqualified, like they don't have the user experience,

but they're underqualified, like it's a job as like an engineer or like as a surgeon, and they just don't have any knowledge of these things. Well, I fucking hope it's not a surgeon. Yeah, I hope so too. I don't think the people who listen to our show are clinically unstable, which seems to be the picture that you're painting. Now come in here, Dylan. What prepares you to be a marine biologist?

Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I like fish and I'm scared of water. Let's get this done. Let's learn some shit about otters. I got you. I got an underwater microscope.

Come on. Science. Science. Where's the whale? Where's the whale at? Which one's a shark again? Okay. Yeah, that's right.

I want to put my microscope on a shark. I want to call in that big fish like Jonah did. Remember? We'll learn about his inside part. By the way, I only believe in sciences in the Bible. Let's do this. I'm unqualified. The Bible at Pinocchio.

This is my dream. This is my dream, sir. This is my dream job. I fucking hate fish. Ah, I hate this. Let's do it. Ah. Come on, you slimy bitches.

Look at him flop around on the table. This is crazy. Now tell me, get me a science knife. I'm going to go to town on this fish. Get me a science knife. I gots to cut this whale open. Tell you what? I'm not qualified for this job,

but I'm going to dissect this octopus right in front of you. Watch. You watch. You watch. I'm going to cut off some squid legs, put it on this octopus, make the ultimate tentacle monster animal. Is this science yet?

Is this science yet? Did we do it? I want to do some science. Draw me in this tank. I'm going to tie this octopus's legs together like Popeye. Let's keep the food train rolling. This one is sent in by Goliay Ali. Thanks, Goliay Ali.

It's by Yahoo Answers user. Hi. That's H-I-G-H. And then a question mark. Who asks? Yes. Your own Yahoo Answers, I'm going to assume. What do you do to make the lettuce on your sandwich feel sexy?

Wait. The responses to this question really shows off that Yahoo Answers is just an Algonquin round table of comedy. Wait, hold on. Is there no more to the question? That's it. No, that's it. That's it.

Megan responded, lay my meat on it real slow, then squirt mayo on it. Oh, god. I get it all wet, put it under water, just to make it so much more important that the rest of the lettuce, when really I'm just trying to wash any bacteria off, then I get kinky with it and bite it.

That took a weird practical turn in the middle. Yo, girl, you know DDT and what all. And then I fuck it. Dress it up in something sexy, not mayo. I can't enjoy it if it's dry, unless it stays completely naked, whisper naughty things to it. Put it in your mouth to bite it and suck on it. This is lettuce.

Everybody, it's lettuce. Let me suck on this sandwich fixings. I forgot I've lost the place where it's Griffin and the off who answers things and I just think my brothers is awful, awful mess of humanity. Add salad cream. No, wait, hold on. Does it say add salad cream?

Add salad cream in all caps and a smiley face at the end of it. Hey, America, that's not even a thing. That's not a thing. You made up salad cream for your dumb joke. You mean salad dressing? Ah, a special secret sauce. Why are you? Why are you juicing on your sandwich?

Why are you objectifying lettuce? Put that away. How about you just eat it? How about you just put it in your mouth because of lettuce? Hey, Internet, stop what you're doing, put down the mouse, open the front door and walk outside and remember that you live in a real world with consequences for your actions.

Call your dad, call your dad. Just call him what you're doing right now. You're talking about fucking lettuce. Well, these sure are some hilarious bits, huh? Yeah, these bits, real top notch. I love them and you should too. But I wanted to take a quick time out to tell you about our sponsors this week.

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and it's just $5 at ScoldingtheWinds.com. It sounds really cool to me. I'm going to check it out. I think you should too. ScoldingtheWinds.com. That's like winds, like W-I-N-D-S.com. Check it out. Also, do you enjoy puzzle games?

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which is absolutely not weird. You loved him, fed him, and quietly made his ugly green pants disappear. Every day, I'm filled with joy and awe that you're my wife. Here's to the next 10 years of laughter, fashion errors, and whenever possible, naps. Sweet, sweet naps. That's awesome, Graham.

And Kate sounds like a wonderful person, and it sounds like you're very lucky to have her, Graham. You're very lucky. You don't deserve her. She's way too good for you. But yeah, that's really great for you guys. Congratulations. And now, back to the show.

I'm ready. Here comes Yahoo. This one was sent in by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers user SteveMan3015. That's a pretty good username. Yeah. Who asks, what would happen if Uncle Jesse,

in parentheses, John Stamos, from Full House, do if he got shorted a nugget at McDonald's, say he orders a 20-piece nugget. He receives his order, he counts the nuggets, and he sees he only received 19 of them. What would he do? Now, this could just be a thought exercise that this guy is doing,

but I would like to think that this man, Steve Man, has been shorted a nugget, and he's like, I don't know what to do. That's why I have to look. Where can I look for advice? Towards John Stamos. Uncle Jesse from Full House. His WWUJFFHD bracelet.

I think that John Stamos would get really mad at the person behind the counter, but then after a moment's thought, he would have mercy. Jesus. I think he would have mercy. Give me another nugget. I think he would get up, and he would leave the McDonald's restaurant.

And remember that he's John Stamos. Goddamn Stamos. Why the hell is he at McDonald's ordering chicken nuggets? Who could name the original name of Full House? That's originally called House of Comics, was the original bitch, and it was not a good name. Sourdough's Sweethearts was the original name of the show. What's with all these dudes?

Yeah, you know what? The weirdest thing about Full House is, if the mom wasn't dead, it would be the weirdest Goddamn show on television. Have you guys seen the new episode of Lazy Uncles? At one point, one of them was living in the living room. They just strung up a sheet, and that was his bedroom. The theme song originally went,

everywhere you look, there's an uncle. There are uncles fucking everywhere. And you know what's even weirder? Only Uncle Jesse was related by blood. Joey was just there. Just there. There's a fucking embarrassment of uncles in this household. A murder of uncles.

That was actually the first. The original title was a murder of uncles. Do you know that for seven years, Joey Gladstone would meet a woman at a bar, and she would say, should we go back to your place? And he would say, I'm not sure that's a good idea. I live with my friend and his brother-in-law,

and his three daughters, and my brother-in-law's wife, and their twin sons, and our dog. And Kimmy Gibbler from time to time. And Kimmy Gibbler occasionally, and also all of my puppets and pop-eye toys. And I have to record the rest of our renegades. I just probably get going.

You know if that show I recorded today, Rush Hour Renegades would be a podcast, right? And I don't need the competition for it. That's true. And maybe the Smash Club, is that it? The Smash Club lives in their house? I thought so. I felt like that show was like some kind of horrific,

like MCF show drawing where no one could escape the house. Like, Uncle Jesse got married and had twins, and they put him in the attic. Yeah. Well, let's also- Like some kind of crazy aunt. Let's also remember that Jesse's last name changed midstream, and no one commented on it.

It did. I'm not sure logic and reason hold sway in this show. How do you know so fucking much about Full House Tricky? See, it used to be Jesse Cochran, but John Stamos wanted something that sounded more Greek. Yeah. More true to his heritage. So he picked the most Greek name that there is on the earth.

But not too familiar. Guys, this Yahoo! answer was, it was sent in by Chuck Jones. Thanks, Chuck Jones. Oh, good. So good. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Gary, who asks,

Thongs for Men, in parentheses, Boyskins? Hi, I was wondering if anyone knew where the website Boyskins is gone. I wanted to buy a Thong form there, but saw they no longer wear up. I also wanted to buy my son one since he saw mine and wanted to try it. No, I'm not a pedo. He's 15 and can speak for himself. Thanks. Does anyone know where I can buy adult and youth Boy Thongs?

Thanks. Oh, god. Boyskins, if you couldn't tell from my pronunciation, does have a Z up on it. Is there a Y? No Y. There is a Y. At the end of boy, but not men's skins, not mid-skins.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It would have been better if it was B.O.I. Skinsy. But I was not so lucky. But at trademark Everliving. Why is this a thing? Boyskins website? Everyone in the Answers is saying, go to Kmart and Walmart, as if that's... How do they...

How is that... Do they have those there? I know from personal experience that Walmart does not have sock garters, so I really doubt they have man thongs. Can we call them Boyskins from now on? And also, can we call our podcast Boyskins from now on? Hey, in the effort to actually give this person the helpful answer, I just Googled Boyskins and pointed to my regret it.

I shouldn't have done that. And if there are any government agents now, monitoring my DSL usage, I'm sorry. Very sorry I didn't mean to do it. Is Boyskins... I don't see a website called Boyskins. I see a lot of usernames named Boyskins, and a YouTube channel called Boyskins.

So I'm thinking that this person's trying to start some branding. All these accounts are closed. I'm trying to Nancy Drew this shit, but... Boyskins just fell off the face... Well, fell off the butt of the internet, let's be honest. About a... Nope, fuck. No, you can't find Boyskins anywhere.

There's a blogspot called Boyskin. Oh, no, don't just go to Boyskin at Blogspot. Oh, it sticks all over, dicks for miles. How good this hat... Well... You know, in 20 years, on an episode of Storage Wars, they'll open up a storage container and find this box after box label Boyskins,

and they'll be looking at going, you know, the Boyskins are worth... That's like a thousand dollars a box right there. I'm seeing like $6,000 in thongs. Is that a Hummel Boyskin? I can tell. That looks like a Hummel Boyskin. I was hoping that they were going to find the Boyskin website,

because I was curious how you were going to conceptualize that for me. You always have to know the main name Boyskins? It's like underneath this, what appears to be an elderly woman's sewing table folded up in the shelves here, there seems to be a website called Boyskins. It's called Boyskins. It's a little... It's become corporeal. It looks hungry.

It seems... Now, this looks like a regular cupboard, but when you open it and go inside, you exit on the other side into Boyskins, the website. Have a look around its directories and indexes. You're going to like what you see. You're going to be horrified at the way you look. I guarantee it.

So Mr. Tumnus, you look fantastic. Very spelt. How did you get the tiny holes over your furry legs, Mr. Tumnus? That is really doing some... It is shaping you very attractively. That is the most vivid mental picture I think we've ever created on this show. Because I can't... I can't...

It's a lot of... It's like... I can't get it out. And if you could see in my head the look Mr. Tumnus is giving me is troubling. Because it's angry. It's not like a seductive look. He's angry that I'm there. I'm forming this sentence with my mouth and speaking it with the power from my brain,

but I'm only dedicating about 1% of my brain to that task, because the other 99% is dreaming up this visage. And I can't. I've been meaning to correct you children. It's pronounced ass land. Oh, Jesus. Hey, I'm a straight red-blooded American male who in May is serving his best man at my gay best friend's wedding.

Ceremony itself is very traditional, but I'm stumped when it comes to the bachelor party. The attendee mix is going to be about 50-50 straight gay with a few lesbians thrown in for color. How do I throw my pal a rainbow-colored bachelor party? Please note that my friend by his own admission is a terrible gay, and he's expressed on one occasion a desire to have an Asian lady stripper at his party getting down in Durham. Wow.

Wow. I feel like... The bulk of it's already planned. Asian lady stripper. I mean, this is a real tough one. We don't get many toughies like this. Ultimately, the easy answer, which is to say the not funny answer, is he giving what he wants?

And I guess an Asian lady stripper. I guess that's what you do. This is my answer. The fun answer. What can't you do? Guys, you're right. I'm imagining like a colligial miasma of genital delights. Just a bacchanal.

Just a, what do you want? Because it's everywhere. The fucking sky's the limit as far as fucking goes. Earthly delights. Put it in there. Happy bachelor party. Sorry, Dave couldn't marry you. He died last night.

He ODed on hedonism. Now he's a weird sexoholic. He was drinking wine out of a lady's hair. Are we done? No, maybe a cake, maybe a cake. I don't know. Maybe a tasteful cake. Some, some balloons.

Hey, welcome to cake boss. This week on cake boss, we're making a big cake shape like a ball for a, for a gay guys bachelor party with an Asian lady stripper going to pop out of it. We're making a cake. Just thinking about it. This cake looks like a dick going into a cake shape like a vagina. Cake boss. Cake boss.

Stay tuned for the littlest chocolatiers, by which I mean they're inside the cake. What the fuck? What the fuck? I'll make you date dick's-tay. Cake boss. This isn't even for a party. This isn't even being filmed right now. This butthole cake's for cake boss.

Cake boss. This butthole cake's for cake boss. Cake boss. This cake's from... Fucking cake boss. This cake's made of sand and also of a ghost. Yeah. Guys, this y'all, this y'all who answer was, should I, should we y'all do it?

Yeah, I was about to ask you for one and then you fucking incepted me. All right. I love it. This y'all who was in it by Lisa Holofield, thank you. Lisa is becoming, quickly, our top gold contributor. This question was asked by Rezixion, Rezixion, or perhaps Rezhan. Oh no. Rezhan.

Gucci, Gucci, Vinny, Vinny, many, many parts. Rezhan asks, Gucci, Gucci, Vici, Vici, Vici, Vici, Vici, Marijuana. What's up with these basic bitches? Rezhan asks, if you could assassinate any of the characters of Save by the Bell, who would it be and how? Zach, Slater, Screech, Kelly, Lisa, Jesse, or Mr. Belding? I would have to go with probably A.C. Slater. Why would you kill A.C. Slater? You actually answered it.

Well, you know, the funny thing about this is that this is actually how Good Morning Ms. Bliss ended was with the assassination of Ms. Bliss, and it was the catalyst of Save by the Bell. That's how Save by the Bell started. As I'm going over this. Hayley Mel's character, Ms. Bliss, was assassinated. As I'm going over this wiki, where my favorite things that I've learned is that the creators and writers and their producers and everything don't give two shits about continuity in the Save by the Bell universe, because like, so they canceled Good Morning Ms. Bliss after like 12 episodes

and relaunched it to Save by the Bell. And so then when they sold it into syndication, they just kind of wrapped the Good Morning Ms. Bliss episodes into it, and they're like, fuck it, no one will notice. And nobody did. They're kids, Donald. They're kids. Kids are stupid. They just love Zach's hair, and they love romance between him and Kelly Kapowski.

Did you see, he said, time out. And he had like a phone and shit. It's awesome. I would, of course, assassinate Zach, because you do that, the infrastructure crumbles, and you can slip in there. And then you're the cool guy. You can't let anyone know you didn't. What you're failing to take into account, Justin, is that all of this is the dream

of Zach Morris. Oh, shit. He's staring into a snow globe while his dad and mom sit in the corner going, he just stares at it all day long. When he frees his time, he actually is talking to his therapist. Yeah. Let's back up really quick, because first off, I don't think you assassinate a Save by the Bell character.

I think you can only murder them. I think if you kill Zach or AC Slater, it's a murder. And not an assassination, right? What's the difference? I thought you were going to say that you can't murder them because they're all vampires. Well, that, but I don't know. You can only slay them. You assassinate a king or a political figure, but you murder a high school student.

I would assassinate Senator Zach Morris. I mean, to be fair, Zach is basically the king of base at high. I think he may have even referred to himself as that's actually how the high schoolers were started is that Archduke Zach Morris was assassinated by one of the cast of California dreams actually assassinated Archduke Zach Morris. And that was the start of. The problem is, is that the kids from California Dreams had a signed treaty with the cast of Hangloos that said that in the event of war, you have to fight with us.

And, you know, pretty soon, it just got really hard. The Zach attack proclamation. Right. That's correct. I'll recall. Let's play a game called the shot her around Bayside. Let's play a game called who on Yahoo answers scares the shit out of me the most. Okay.

Is it best answers? Submit her out. Yonah, who replies AC Slater. I don't know how, but I'd make it painful. Whoa. Okay. Is it cutie pie 1987 who says Kelly suffocation on pom poms. Wow.

Is it Chris who said screech. I would choke him. I hate his voice. Jesus Christ. Was it James A. It was James A. Who responded I would handcuff them all together in a circle. Then I would stand in the center wearing body armor and drop a live hand grenade. Whoever lived would be subsequently beheaded.

Wow. I would watch that movie. Dear internet. This is Travis. We're breaking up. Bryn McDonald 2005 said Jesse because she was one of the ones who left for most of the show and returned only till the end for Kelly and Zach's wedding. I would have her fall out her window room.

Wow. Jesse you fair weather bitch. Wow. Yeah. She's there when she suits her. Yeah. I would kill Tori Scott because clearly she is a phantasm. We just kill nobody.

Can we not kill anybody on this fictional kids show? You fuck. You know what's funny by definition if you about the phrase I'm not a sports nut is that if you actually use the phrase sports nut it automatically disqualifies you from the distinction. Unless you're Bob Euker. If you're Bob Euker he can say he's a sports nut. Yeah other than that like you don't like sports.

You're saying something you think someone like sports said. I'm a bit of a sports nut. I think you could call me a sports nut. I spent time at the BW3s. One could accurately classify me as a basket ballman. A soccerista. Soccerista. In your country.

Well I don't know what they call soccer. Ballerino. Football. Footballist I guess. What about I know I got nothing. I like that honesty. Polo. That's what I was going for.

Polo. Polo. We need more horse based sports. That's we need to be more honest about the production of this show Travis. I like that. So let me so. Familiar. Hit me.

This one was this one was sent in by Lisa Hallefield. Thank you Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers user the Leviathan who asks. How do you prepare for a staring contest. I always get into a staring contest with my cousin when I see him and I want to prepare to finally beat him over the holidays. What can I do to become a champ. This is a good sport you get into right.

Step one training montage. Staring contest you're going to step one you're going to want to moisturize. Is applying vizine during a staring contest legal. Is that allowed as long as you don't blink. If you could do that. Blinkless and you're a fucking robot with robot eyes. Yeah. Oh.

Robot eyes. Steve Forbes up in this pitch. Stab. Robot eyes. Stab both your eyes out. Put some glass in there. And you'll never. I don't think you'll have seen them.

Wait. Do you mean just like shards of glass or like a fake eyeball. Glass eyeballs not shards of glass. OK shards of glass is a very intimidating technique. Yeah. I don't see how that helps you. Did. Can I get a clarification on this.

I find that I travel around this great great blue globe and people have different definitions of staring contest grown up in my neck in the woods. It was if you laugh if you blinked you lose. If you blunt you were out. If you blunt you're out but a lot of people seem to roll with if you smile or laugh you out it's about keeping a straight face. No. Then that could just go on forever.

See Griffin knew what I was talking about though. Griffin complete. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I've heard it. Do you know what it was. It was a lot of kids were were doing it the original the original full game version

of of staring contest. And they were going blind. They were just they were just going blind. And so the the the academia the the the public education system of this great nation of ours sort of enforced the second the second rule set and taught that to my generation so that our perfect peepers would would remain. And then when that started to get boring they introduced Poggs. They actually recorded a lot of there was a lot of public awareness the same people who did

I'm not going to play Sun City did a tribute song. If you care please don't stare. That was that was kind of swept the airwaves Lionel Richie. I think co-wrote that with Andrew Dice Clay which was kind of weird. And then there was the one stop and think and then take a blank. Yeah right. I really like that one. Who co-wrote that trap because I was trying to remember.

I think that was Elton John and Billy Joel together. It was amazing. Okay yeah. There was a redo of the Donald O'Connor song make them laugh make them laugh colon the new rule set for staring contest. Right. For God's sakes make them laugh. Who co-wrote that.

I forget. It was originally written by Donald O'Connor but the new version was written by Rosie O'Donnell. And Donald Loge. That's weird that's weird. And I know that there was another one song for about. Blinking laugh laugh. And that one was my tears for fears. That one was my tears for fears and an infant lady Gaga.

Embryo Gaga. I basically wanted to say infant lady Gaga and didn't come up with the part with the song. So I kind of I don't know if you guys can notice but I kind of flubbed my way through that. No no you totally covered it. Malcolm to the nail it. The mabimbam sausage factory. We're taking you inside with directors commentary this week. Is it weird that when I talk about babies I have to talk in this voice so I don't wake up the

imaginary baby in my room. I don't think that's weird. Okay um I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't it's not a conscious decision. Is there an age cut off for imaginary baby that you talk to in your room. I just I just want to be soft. You know.

Is imaginary baby there right now. Babies aren't tough you know guys. So don't get rough. Let's not get rough with these babies. Do you ever sit in a do you have a rocker in your office in which you snuggle and rock your imaginary baby. It's not a real it's not a real imaginary baby. I'm just saying.

I talk like there is one. I know I know it's not a real imaginary baby sweetie. If you wouldn't if you guys wouldn't mind just like keep it down. Keep your voices down a little bit. What's his name. It's adorable. His name is door door door. Oh my did you name your imaginary baby.

Dwarf. He's so like the head of the house of Lannister. Oh god. I like the one where your imaginary baby taught me how to play golf. And Tim Conway has Dwarf. He's short because he's a baby. It's an imaginary baby that lives in Griffith's heart. Dwarf.

You know when I when I go kid whenever I go hiking I was being a big bag of Dwarf. Oh delicious. What about mini golf attendees the people who have to like chase off windmill winder when teens are like fucking on the mini golf course somebody has to chase them off and that's a job that we can get paid for get out of that clown's mouth you fucking teens yeah dirty dirty dirty teens oh shit she's it it's Dwarf you can't get out of here yeah I'm an invisible baby I'm an invisible baby from Brooklyn yeah I made an invisible boom boom in my typey oh god I'm gonna call the baby police to have them get you out

baby fireman in the tiny ladders and now I sound like a baby hairdresser uh this is baby mini golf so you can't even see it it's microscopic and it's imaginary baby it's welcome to Dwarf's mini mini imaginary baby golf I owe it all to my dad Griffin it's so weird now where can I ask this cigar humorously where would be a funny disrespectful place for me to ask my mini imaginary cigar I'm Dwarf next time on invisible baby wall in the family I my my child is Edith Bunker let's come back with a yahoo answer this one was Jesus this one's sent by Lisa

Holofield too thank you so much Lisa can we question it family year can she just have some money yep someone give her some money this is asked by Brian who asks is it illegal for me to upload a picture of me with a sword to Facebook I want my default pic to be one of me with the sword I got in eighth grade if I do not look threatening is this illegal any ins and outs I need to be aware of ps I will look civilized it's me I'm wearing a frock and this is my gentleman's foil how civil I'm actually I'm looking at the the Facebook rules right now about posting pictures and it says to do it you have to have a really intense look on your face and be holding the sword somewhere down around your crop you have to have photoshopped fire like Dragon Ball Z fire

on the sword and possibly in your eyes and it has to say something above it like destiny and you have to make sure that you tastefully trimmed your scraggly beard if somebody could photoshop us a picture of us like that I will make it my face I want nothing but Dragon Ball Z photoshopped of us there's fire and swords laser beams tails maybe he civilized which is to look like civil shepherd I like the idea of civilized better like us in like full like 1930s military regalia with an epi in one hand and a tea sandwich in the other very fancy I used to own swords everybody I still have swords it's nothing wrong with that I'm just not going to like take Facebook it's like I mean there's lots of them okay I have a crock pot but if my Facebook picture

it's me holding a crock pot above my head like yes look at it this is me this is me in 2012 crock pot it's all about it like it doesn't matter like putting it in your Facebook picture is it defines you I mean it is your that is your uh your outside message to the world right well I think if you're the kind of person that owns swords then civilized you're the kind of person that owns swords and there's no yeah around that you know I have I have a sword and you guys want to know a secret not okay great this is really dicey but I'm gonna I'm gonna go with yes I would never own a gun um but I see nothing wrong with keeping a sword by the bed for protection is this about to get are we about to have an argument about the lethality of swords no no no I'm just

saying like I I see not I would like to envision a circumstance in which a criminal breaks into my house and has a gun and I draw swords you're telling me you could ease more easily stab a stranger with a giant sword than you could shoot a stranger like you know I'm hoping that you stab them in the shop and then you see it you see everything you watch there in test time spill out across your Davenport I can go with that lunch and I feel like you'll be really intimidating that's Travis that's the most fucked up thing you've ever said out loud I don't think that's true why don't you just keep a heavy rock next to the bed fucking you lord of the fly psychopath I keep that on the couch I just want to I would just like to I don't want my kids getting hurt but I would like

the feeling of crushing a man's skull with my bare hands so I'll just keep a big rock next to my bed now the floor does open up into a sort of boo boo box scorpion trap but it's that I mean I guns yuck yeah not for me Travis you do have to do me a favor though if you ever get into this imaginary situation you got a tube it for me I gotta gotta see what happens I seriously I will make a whole Bravo series about that night you did that dumb thing that's fair yeah I I do you okay if you have the sword and they are like they see you okay what describe that very next this is how I picture it going it's a very slow burn down to their gun and then they slow burn down to my sword okay and then they drop the gun and just start backing away okay that's how I hope

it pans out you have why why because otherwise they shoot me in the face yeah I don't mean no definitely I'm pretty well versed in the actual thing that will definitely really happen I'm kind of curious I want you to take me sort of inside it and why you think they're gonna see this well I also have the true faith that like in an emergency situation I would just immediately be able to have like the the dragon balls eat fucking superpowers yeah I just feel like it ninja would just come upon me and I would just no fucking bullets would come up on you you would be dead um oh man gotta tube that for me before we let you go real quick we want to remind you to go check out me undies

it's simple just go to me undies.com slash my brother all one word and you get 20% off your first order it's incredibly comfortable underwear you're gonna love it I guarantee it also go check out nature box where you can order hundreds of great tasting snacks you can go to naturebox.com slash my brother to sign up for a sampler box of great tasting snacks you should do it already I don't know why you haven't done it but go do that if you would like to have a spot on the money zone just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron and it'll get you all set up there we can wish someone a happy birthday happy anniversary or tell someone about your website or your product or whatever go check it out we also want to say thank you to John Roderick and the

long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off of the album putting the days to bed it's an incredible album I listen to it all the time you should too by this point I mean I think we've been pushing it for about 230 episodes you should go listen to it why haven't you done it yet it's so good we also want to say go listen to the other amazing maximumfund.org shows they're all incredible there's someone there that I think everybody will like go check out Sawbones check out stop podcasting yourself can I pet your dog we got this bunker buddies a whole bunch of them next week's episode is going to be our switchover episode so when you tune in you'll hear Cameron Esposito and Jesse Thorn and Dave Holmes on my brother my brother and me you can tune in to hear

us on Jordan Jesse go you can also tune in to hear us and our dad Clint on the flop house and you can tune in to hear the flop house guys on the adventure zone so it's a very exciting week baby geniuses is switching with bunker buddies and it's craziness all around so go check them all out um also if you haven't already go check out Justin's food review show things I bought at Sheets on YouTube it's amazing Sheets like S-H-E-E-T-Z it's really funny he does it with our buddy Dwight it's hilarious start from the beginning there's a weird through line that I think you're gonna love you should also check out trends like these the podcast I do with my friend Brent where we talk about what's trending on the internet um you can find it at trendslikethese.com I think that's

gonna do it for us this week um and now let's throw it to Griffin with a final yahoo but not too familiar but uh thanks for listening we love you thanks everyone this final yahoo was sent him by golly aioli thank you golly it's by yahoo answers user turn who asks would Christianity be as popular as it is today if the Jesus was depicted more like Danny DeVito I'm Justin McAvoy I'm Travis McAvoy I'm Griffin McAvoy this is where my brother my brother me kiss your dad square out the way maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported