My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 275: The Podcast Krampus

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

The Podcast Krampus done got us again, but good. We lost half an episode to his insatiable maw, but we managed to produce another half-episode to make up for it. Better luck next time, Podcast Krampus, you absolute dingleberry. Suggested talking points: That Creep, Pizza Crime, Switch Witch, C6, A Raging Zordon, Finder's Fee, Full Court Baseball

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome to my brother and my brother meeting advice show for the modern era. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm your oldest brother. My name is Travis McElroy. I'm your middlest brother. I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy.

Check that calendar. What day is it? I just see a bunch of ones. It's just all ones. Nov one. Nov one, and you know what that means. Punch it. That Christmas creep is on. Punch it to 88 miles an hour. Happy anniversary. Back to the future. Today was the day. Today was it. They took down his Halloween decorations and back to the future and put up his Christmas decorations. We on that creep now, guys. I'm excited. That creep popped off. Nov one. That means the creep is on.

Halloween's over. Halloween's done with. That means there's no more holidays until the holidays. Isn't it weird how you can leave your Christmas decorations up for a little while, but if you have your Halloween decorations up one day after Halloween, you're a sicko. You're just looking like a sicko pervert. I like your pumpkin there, pervert. You weirdo. What did you want to hold on to that death? A death and despair. Oh, you carved Master Chief's face in a pumpkin. That's really great, pervert. That's really good for you, pervert. You're very proud of yourself. Yeah, spooky skeleton in that tree, I see. Maybe, uh, you know, like I've got kids, so.

I gotta tell you, maybe it's a Christmas creep side effect, but by the time Christmas is done, I'm like, whoof. Okay, good. Thank you. Goodbye, Christmas. I enjoy you very much. So happy to have you gone. I feel like I didn't even get enough Halloween this year, and I was really trying to get deep into it. I was like a Halloween extension. The problem is just because I thought about this, like everybody accepts that like Christmas, you can start celebrating on November 1st, right? You can start like decorating in the music plays that everyone's like, yeah, but like, if you start doing Halloween stuff, like if you dress up on October 21st, people are like, what the fuck is the matter? No, Danny,

it's like more than a week away. Be cool. I, my local ride aid started like the, like I went there this morning, right? And the creep had like just disassembled, like there's people just throwing piles of Dracula's out the window, like please make room for Santa's, please. I went to a Marshall's the other day. Yesterday, the Halloween day, all Hallows Eve, I fucking walked up in that spot and they had Halloween stuff next to Christmas stuff. It was like the creep was starting to encroach. Like, yeah. Oh, come on. Get out of here, Dracula's. You're done. You're done. You're done. Dracula's must go. It was weird seeing them in the same place. Like, oh, Santa versus Dracula, that would be fucking sick. I went to the Halloween

store and I heard somebody asking if everything went on sale the day after Halloween. And it occurred to me like, they're probably just going to box that up and sell it again next year, right? Yeah. There's not big shit. No, we got to get the new models. We're going to get the 2016 Dracula's in here. Much more streamlined with Dracula's. These days have three sharp fangs. Everybody knows that's what the kids are into. You know that new Dracula you've been looking for? As you guys remember on the last episode, I talked about batting zero out of a thousand for putting on Halloween costumes that anybody recognizes. That after last night, my perfect record of badness has not changed. Yeah. No recognition. I got a kick out of your costume,

which was a birdhouse in your soul. I bought a birdhouse at Target because I didn't buy a costume until yesterday at like 4 p.m. And we were going to a thing at 5.45. And so I went to the Target. It's really on me. Like, I have no one to blame but myself. And I saw a birdhouse and I was like, that'll do. That didn't do. It didn't. That didn't do for anybody. It didn't. That dog did not hunt. No. That dog sat on the floor. You didn't shash in a harness for it, which I thought was quite impressive. Staple gun and elastic. So you were in that thing, huh? I was in it to win it. Made it really hard to piss. Had a big birdhouse right there on my sight lines. Well, the spooky times are over and we all met Christmas early now. And thank God.

It was getting a little too spooky for me. I don't know how it treated you guys, but like, one of my neighbors went all out and mummies in their yard. Mummies? You don't think that's taken a little too far? Was that scary? Mummies are real, though, is the thing. Like, people actually did that to people. You know what I mean? Yeah, like skeletons are real. Skeletons, I guess, are kind of real because they're inside you, but they're, they're, they can't do anything. Mummies were real. Mummies are mummies were and are and will be real. Mummies alive right now. Guys, listen. Mummies alive. Mummies alive. Mummies alive. That show's title was a fucking warning. Mummies alive. Hey guys. Hey, listen, speaking of being on that creep, tickets are now on sale for our

Candle Nights Holiday Family Fun Spectacular. It's a pan-religious, pan-sexual, personal pan-holiday just for you. And tickets are on sale now. If you go to bit.ly.4 slash Candle Nights 2 and we've sold a lot of a good number of tickets already, like a solid number. But there's an even better number of tickets still available. So go get those and then come to Huntington with us. Are we doing costumes for that? Because we had costumes last year and it's pretty fun, but I don't know what other, other than the ghosts of Chris's past, present, and future, like what other trio of, I guess, wise men? We could do the wise men. That's, that seems pretty on the nose. It seems, yeah. And I like it. Don't get me wrong, on the nose and I like it.

See, Govind, that's your problem with costumes. It's okay if it's recognizable. You can do a thing that people go like, oh, I get it. I went to a party last night where I didn't know literally anybody and I was near a table getting a drink and there were a bunch of people sitting at the table whispering and finally one woman like stood up and was like, sorry, what is your costume? I was like, oh, it's a birdhouse in your soul. And she was like, I don't, I was like, oh, it's like that they might be giant song. And somebody at the table yelled, what is it? What's his costume? And she yelled back, she yelled back something esoteric. And I was like, yeah, I guess that's and did you then just turn and walk right out the door? Because that's what I would have done.

Yeah, I would have left. So come to our holiday show. It's going to be really good. And I'm going to try to make it more Jewish this year. Last year was very Christmassy and I'm going to try to make it more. Well, we're going to do a rotation. That's the good thing about candlelight. It's amorphous. I actually wanted to be a little spooky. We could have some Jewish mummies up there. I don't even joke about that. Yes. I actually have struggled with this and maybe listeners can like give us some guidance here. I know like what stuff like I know that pretty much anything Christmassy is like fair, fair use right in terms of like being fun. But like I don't know with like Jewish stuff. I don't know what is like a fit like it seems like a lot of that

stuff is holy. And I didn't like I made a video, a dumb video promoting candle nights. And I needed I wanted to put something like I had some Christmassy, Santa's type stuff and I want to put something Jewish in it. And I was going to have like a cool menorah on a table, but like I don't know if that's holy or not. Is that holy? That's cool. Is that not allowed? I ended up going with a dreidel because that seems pretty benign. That's about as innocuous as it gets. Yeah, a menorah is totally cool, dude. That is the Hanukkah equivalent of a Christmas tree. But I have to know the limits of the symbology, Griffin. If I stay on that stage and use a menorah to light an American flag on fire,

well, that's too far, my boy. Yeah, I don't know where the line is, Griffin. That's what I'm saying. I don't know. Hold on. You say you have a light an American flag on fire with the menorah and you don't know that that's over the line. No, I would assume the line is there. Like I definitely see that as an outside boundary of the line. When you take three to four steps back from that, I have no idea where I'm at. If I if I rigged a menorah to shoot Nickelodeon Gak out at the audience, that would be fucking sick. Everyone would love that. I don't think so. I think it would be offensive to people. I really do. Well, offensive to people in the splash zone. Sure. Sure. Well, they saw the signs outside. You make it wish. You will get wet with holy menorah emissions.

You may get drenched. Yeah, you may get gacked. I don't know. It was. All right, let's see the show. Yeah, we'll talk about this afterwards. It's a fair point. It's a fair yes. We're young Southern Baptist boys that just don't want to step on anybody's toes, but we want to be as inclusive of our Jewish friends as possible because it is a pain to call it. Then we have to have a Gak Christmas tree and a Gak Kwanzaa. And I know we need some non-religious, just general like solstice stuff up there. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I don't actually, maybe somebody could tell me, like, can I even dip my toe into Kwanzaa? Can I even drive by Kwanzaa? Of course. Take a look. I don't know. Of course. You can window shove Kwanzaa. I'm not going to be part of the problem.

Dear Mbem-Bem, I ordered pizza the other day with my friend. Since my friend was at the house, I did the courtesy of paying for the pizza. When we finished the delicious za, there were leftovers. My friend then proceeded to start packing up the leftovers in order to take them home, even though I paid for the pizza. Am I within my rights to keep the leftovers or should I stop being so fussy? The pizza cost $40. That's a good pizza. What? Including delivery, which is fairly expensive. For just you and one other person? How much? This is my foie gras pizza. Did you each get your own fucking pizza? Did you have a stack of eight leftover pizzas, like the family and home alone? Is that why they thought they could have some? Consider work part-time. Am I

within my rights to keep the leftovers or should I stop being so fussy? That's from... Sherwood likes some pizza in Sherwood Park. What's up, Griff? It's just their friend has committed so many pizza crimes here. It's like, first of all, the person who pays for the pizza should most of the time keep the pizza. The only thing that can be like a variable in that situation is who is hosting the evening. Because by taking a pizza that you broke bread with with somebody in their house and then you take it out of their house, that's theft. That's theft, according to the law. It's theft. Okay, here's the scenario that works out. You apparently ordered six pizzas. There's five whole pizzas left over and they say, please take some. We don't have

room to store all of this pizza. But no, we insist, take some with you. But to just finish the game, I'm like, well, guess I'll be heading home as you scoop it into your backpack. Get the f*** out. Because did you ask for ziploc bags? You're the worst. You're the worst. This is the worst. The payment issue completely solidifies it. You paid it, your house, your pizza, that's theft, pizza crime. I'm calling the pizza police right now and they're going to kick in this person's store, send me their information. I'm not a cop. I would have to tell you if I am, but I know cops, pizza cops. If you bring a six pack of beer to a person's house and you don't finish that six pack, you still leave it at their house, right? Because it's their party payment. It's their house. At

that point, it's their house. Unless I want to drink those beers later and I'm going to drink some more beers when I go home and I don't have any at home. But it is important in that scenario that you leave some sort of toll or tax. If you have a six pack, you drink two, there's four left. You leave at least one. Or just leave a small toy. That also works. You just have to swap it out or like a bag of sand the same weight as the beer that you're taking. Exactly. I would challenge, Travis. I would challenge your assertion that if someone offers leftover pizza that you are then permitted to take it, I would challenge it based on an irrefutable law that I've been working on called the elasticity of pizza deliciousness. And here's how it works. After you finish pizza

and you've eaten a lot of pizza, you look at the pizza and you think, never again. I'm destroying my human body with pizza. I'm never going to eat pizza again. Everybody, take some of this pizza with you because I don't want it. I'm just going to throw it in the garbage. The next morning you wake up, it's 11 o'clock. You're a little bit hung over. You would move heaven or earth to get one of those toasty slices right into your belly. They knew that. I'm saying this law is so universal that you should not legally be permitted to take leftover pizza under any circumstances. But what if there's not room to store it in your refrigerator? That's not the case. Stop throwing bullshit variables into this. This person has a big,

empty fridge. It's empty. It's pizza-less. They've got a pizza shelf, a pizza crisper drawer. Also, listen, question asker, can I just say if you're working part-time and money is an issue, you could get like two pizzas for like $15 from Domino's. Like why are you getting $40 pizza? Pizza Hut's got to carry out order $10 any. Go with that. You can do $11 if you order it to delivery. You only get one go around, eat the best pizza you can. That's my whole thing. That's sort of like what I'm all about. I realize that's a privileged position to take, but I think pizza's worth it. I mean, that is the best pizza that I can get. It is really good. That's sad for me in a major way. My name is Griffin and I'm here to say

that you should eat better pizza every day. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes. I'm not done with this by a country mile. This is the most important thing we've ever talked about. It's cut and dry. This is fucking bullshit. If you bring something to somebody's house for all of you to consume, it's theirs. It's their house. It's theirs. It's their house. It's theirs. Stop fucking taking shit out of the house. This is easy. No, not unless. No, this is ununlessable. You're a criminal. You're a thief. You're the fucking pizza burglar. Rebel, rebel. That's you. What if there's a precedent established and this question asker did something similar at this person's house? Two wrongs don't make a right.

But three lefts do. Do you guys remember that Reliant K album? What about, okay, what if there were two pizza, two extravagantly expensive pizzas ordered, but one was for each, like, okay, what if one was specifically crafted by the person who stole the pizza? Like, they incepted it with like their favorite olives and ham and turds or whatever. And it's just for them, right? Like, just get me a Tom. It's not beyond, beyond who paid for the pizza. Think about this for a second. Paying for the pizza is simple. Anybody could do that. What this person did is they looked at a huge list of ingredients and they opened up their third eye and they just like conceived of the perfect pizza for them.

Like it's their creation at that point. Isn't there some ownership that they've been, they've been vested at that point? No. Yeah. How about Yahoo? Yeah. I'm just, it, it actually is a little disquieting that you, you basically just endorsed breaking and entering. That's what I'm upgrading it to, breaking and entering. I'm pretty pizza picky though, and I don't want people leaving pizza that has pineapple around. Like I don't want that. You can pick it off and then it's still got that good cheese on it. Now if they chipped in, if they split this for, if you first and put in 20, is it then okay? Yeah. Well, still probably no. It's their house. I think there has to be a discussion.

Like you're robbing someone of their most valuable natural resource. Not natural. Then you need to have a conversation about it regardless. I think you always have to have a discussion. Gonna be uncomfortable discussion. I'm, we have to move on. I'm getting mad. Real super quick though. You want to reheat pizza just in a perfect fashion? Get a waffle iron. Oh yeah. Fold the pizza on half itself. You will be astounded at how good that is. And then bury it in the backyard for three weeks. Didn't think it up when the time is right. Guess what? Now you've got kimchi. That's how kimchi is made. Do you guys, I hate to break

the flow, but we, I feel like we just haven't had a flow yet in this episode. So I want to get this in under the wire. Do you guys know about the Switch Witch? Okay. I saw this on Shark Tank. It gets me off something fierce. Yeah. I, the Switch Witch. Do you know about it, Trav? No, I do not. We, we went to the drive-in yesterday to see Hocus Pocus and they did car to car trick-or-treat. It was really cute. Like kids were coming car to car and trick-or-treating and it was great. I bought Mike and Ikes and Rachel hated that because I like Mike and Ikes and she

thinks I'm the only person in the world that likes Mike and Ikes. And so I just got candy that she knew that I got candy that only I liked so that if we didn't give all our candy away, I would have a bunch of Mike and Ikes. And guess what? That is exact how it is, how it panned out. And the kids didn't seem so psyched about the Mike and Ikes anyway. Anyway, this mom came by and she had two kids, the two little kids and I gave them like a bunch of Mike and Ikes. And this boy actually like stuck his hand into my giant bag of Mike and Ike, like mini size packages, pulled out like 20 bags. I was like, hell yeah. She was like, it's his first Halloween. I was like, he's unnatural. He's very good at this. And she was

like, well, it's all going to the Switch Witch anyway, so it doesn't really matter. And I was like, well, I gotta Google that. You've said a thing that isn't a thing. So let me just Google that real quick. And then when I found out what it was, I wanted to track her down and say, I'm gonna need you to give me that candy back because the Switch Witch is garbage. It is a fictitious shelf. It's like a shelf elf. It's like a shelf elf, right? I'll put a shelf. Switch Witch, you give, you leave your can, you're hard earned Halloween candy. You leave it for the Switch Witch, okay? In the end of the night, once the night's over and you wake up the next morning, your candy is gone and replaced with a present. But you get to decide how much candy

you want to give up, the more candy you give up, the better present you get. There's an economy of scales to this. I hate this. I hate it too. The family that was selling one, my Shark Tank said, we want to push this product so there's a Switch Witch in every house in America. And I just want to point out that like, you do understand that we're not idiots, right? Like, the candy economy would definitely, like if everybody knew that you were taking their candy and throwing it in the trash because that's what everybody did and they fed it to some dumb witch, there's no way anybody's gonna hand out candy anymore. I am literally angry as a person who has bought and handed out candy with this idea of like, okay, and then we garbage it. A lot of that

isn't even touching a kid mouth. I think about how much candy I handed out last night that's not even touching, not even crossing the sweet gums of a kid mouth? No. What are you all doing here? This is as bad as burning an American flag with a menorah. This is worse. I will not stand for it. This is worse. It's at least beside it. I did want to hit you guys. As long as we're talking about candy, like, we'll get back to the advice in a second. I had a weird Halloween and I need to unpack it is what I'm saying. Yeah, I need to unpack mine. This is the first year that I took Charlie Trick or Treating and I wasn't struck with this problem until I started doing it and I'm curious like how you guys would have approached it. So I'm in the scenario where she definitely has a pumpkin

and I definitely, well, first off, like, I'm an adult man. I'm obviously carrying a few extra pounds and I'm carrying this baby around who can't say Trick or Treat or she won't. She can. She just won't. She won't. She's being very obstinate. Yeah, no kidding. She won't say thank you or buy or anything really. Oh, God. And she clearly can't eat candy. That is also true. Okay. Yeah. But like, I want to do, but it's like a fun thing, right? You just want to walk around the neighborhood. So like, I had two options. One is like, I go up and I'm like, Hey, give me some candy. Look at this. Look at this baby. Can I have some candy for my adult body? Thank you. And the other option, it's not for me. It's for the Switch Witch. It's for the Switch Witch, did you say? I'm hoping to get

a new iPod. The other option I had, though, was to go to people's stores to be like, no thanks. I don't need any candy. It's just like, look, look at this baby. You're just doing it for the XP. I'm just grinding my memories here with this baby. Motherf- Okay, listen. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck though. Fuck though y'all for real, though. Travis, tell them what happened because I'm too fucking angry. Here's what happened. My audacity for no goddamn reason stopped recording halfway through the episode. Pooped right in the bed, got poop all over the sheets, the nice sheets. People ask us what programs we used to record and I always tell them audacity. Don't

fucking use audacity. No, it's free garbage. Free. That's why it's free because they left it on the platform. Anybody want this free garbage? It's like we're yelling into a toilet and praying to God that the toilet records our voices. The thing that hurts about it is that I feel that we are the earthly stewards of a divine talent. Yeah. And we have been bad stewards. Yeah. We recorded, we used some of that gift to record half a fucking podcast. We spilled our seed on the ground. That's exactly it, Travis. We spilled our comedy seed on the soil down there with the snakes and rats. And now we're unclean. Ceremonially unclean. Oh god, there was a whole smudging thing. So many good goofs that have just been just been consigned to oblivion. They're just lost now.

I remember them. I still get a good chuckle. Should we just do, should we just do a fresh 30? Yes. Somebody's willing their lawn now. It's, yesterday was better. Yesterday was a funding your comedy day. I have a cold now. I didn't have a cold yesterday. Yep. Yep. Well, let's just. This is gonna be, this one's gonna, the rest of this show is gonna be off the fucking rails. Yep. And I hope you're all ready for it. I'm like, I'm barely hanging on. I got my candy ignition. Let's twist it. As Yahoo was sending by Tim Atkin. Thank you, Tim. It's by Yahoo Answers user. They're anonymous. Let's call them Pequod. Pequod X. I will never learn a back flip. Hello. I'm trying to get over my fear of back flip.

I'm trying to get over my fear of doing a back flip, but I can't. I saw over 100 videos on how to do a back flip. I can do a front flip pretty good, but I can't back flip. I got the part where you fall on your back and put your legs over your head. All of those, the wrong you were. I do that good. I have done that a lot of times. I just don't have guts to do a back flip. I even have my mom as a spotter beside me, who I really trust, and I still can't do it. I jump, get ready, then I won't flip back. Any help, please. Thanks. I just want to start off by saying, what a world in which we live that there's 100 videos available to our young people on how to do a back flip. Like, what is not covered in the first one?

Right. Yeah, right. The fact that some, but there were 99 and somebody's like, nope, this is not instructive enough. No, I need a different angle. You're using the Bertilucci method. I see. I see. Fascinating. A little rote, perhaps. A little plebeian. I also really enjoy the fact that, okay, so he's got the part where he falls backward and he puts his legs up, right? Yeah. His mom's got him perfected on that step. His mom's just like, tighter, ankles in, 15 degrees, perfect. Now, next, you got to have guts. So the only thing stopping him is not a physical problem. No. There's a mental block in his brain that will not let him do a sweet 360 back flip.

I think it's just your inner ear, right? Yeah. It's your cochlear defense mechanism triggering and telling you, hey, don't do that. Hey, stop it. Hey, stop doing that. I see where this person is coming from because, okay, so they can flip. You got to remember, they are flipping and landing on their back good. Yeah. They want to be on their feet after having done a 360-degree rotation, right? So right now, they're getting to about 180. There are still many degrees of just paralysis, like just complete and total insidious that they have to clear in one pass. But, Justin, mom's not going to let that happen. That's why he's got his mom there. You can't practice the part where you land butter side down.

You're dead, like dead ski dead. Welcome to heaven. How far did you get? About 270? That's the worst one you could do. I got to tell you, man, if you had made at least 280, I think you would have been all right. 270 is the worst. You went full 6pm and you can't do that, dog. You got to get back to midnight. You landed right on your C6? Damn, son. That's a bad one to hit. That's the rough one. It's one of the best ones I made. I made that one. That's what I call that one, the paralysis bone. You got to watch out for that one. Tricky bone. Tricky, tricky bone. Had to give humans a weak point, you see. That was it. That's the only weak one. How does anyone learn to, like, who did the first back flip? That's a good question, Travis.

Yeah, that is good. And the answer is Ben Vereen. So it was probably, like, 1977 and Ben Vereen did it and people were like, what? How much coke did I take? Excuse me? Sorry. Benjamin. Even Ben Vereen didn't know what had just happened. Like, he was trying to do a front flip and, like, just did it backwards. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he was drunk. Classic drunk, Ben Vereen did a back flip. I shouldn't have done that, he said. He tore a hole in the universe. Have you guys ever done a back flip? Oh, yeah. I did one today, earlier today. I woke up and did my pee, my morning pee. I did a flip off the toilet. No, I've never done a fucking back flip. I'm just curious if you guys have ever done a back flip before. I don't know if I've done any

flip. I think I've done a somersault. That's the one where you just roll on the ground the whole time. You do a somersault because your butt hits the ground really hard and it's close to C6 territory. It's not flipping and rolling. It's just not my speed. You got to wonk at it. You got to roll and then pop up. Yeah. But if I was that agile, I'd be doing back flips every day. Well, yeah. Maybe they need an impetus, right? Like, you have no biological need to do a back flip, right? Maybe they need some sort of threat that they have to not get hit by and that necessitates a back flip. Oh, so like a blade coming at your knees? Blade of the vampire blade? Yeah. What is like, you know how your dad pushes you in the pool and then you learn to swim? Yeah. What is that for

back flips? But this is what I'm saying. Like, I don't think there is a need for back flips. I don't think that there is any problem that can only be solved by back flip. Well, unless it's, you watch Ocean's Eleven. Oh, right. That too. Maybe this person's mom is giving them bad instructions trying to keep them from doing more back flips. Like, they're nagging them. Right. It's the most dangerous game is back flips. And so the mom is like, yep, no, you did it. You just did one. That was a good one right there. That was one right there. You did it. No, that was a back flip. That was a back flip. You just laid on your back and you put your legs up in the air and you kicked them. That was good. Have you all ever seen

somebody really beef a back flip? It's terrifying. It's the worst. It's a very bad scene. It makes people like no matter what age or everybody comes together for the fear of that person's back. When we were in middle element, was it elementary school or middle school? It was a Miller Elementary, boy. Go Owls? Go Owls. The most terrifying. Somebody there knew the Red Ranger for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It was like an associate producer's like daughter or something like that. And so like he came to the school to like tell us all about how drugs were bad. Yeah. And then he attempted to do a back flip off of the stage and beefed it like so hard. He was so co-kai, which is the ironic thing. He was so co-kai. He actually did a 540. And he landed on a C5 and

I was like, ooh, close one, Austin. It was Austin St. John. Can you not spread like fucking vicious rumors about Austin St. John's drug use? No, you're right. He's clean. It was just karate energy that gave him the extra flipping strength. I remember like I was like nine years old and I was like, oh, that's, oh, that's bad. He might, he'll never, he's certainly not going to flip again. Certainly not going to pilot Megazord again. That's definitely true. Do you, do you guys think, I have a question for you about your elementary school years. Did the landscape change in terms of like what lies people? Okay. When you're in elementary school and you're out on the playground, kids lie constantly, right? I got a Canadian girlfriend. I got an uncle who works in Nintendo.

I'm good at basketball. I'm good at basketball. My dad knows the Red Ranger. I'm the king of Spain. I've switched places with a pauper. When that girl actually managed to materialize the Red Ranger, that must have changed the whole game in terms of lying out there. It was pretty sick. But then that, that excitement was short-lived because I watched him absolutely chop a flipper, just absolutely chop a piece. And then that little girl ran up to him. You embarrass me, Austin St. John. You embarrass me, Austin St. John. No, no, Power Ranger. I like that. He set up a foundation to help fix Austin St. John and it's time to raise some money for it. Please teach, teach Austin St. John how to flip good. He doesn't have a comment today.

Can you imagine, if you beef a flipper in front of like 47 year olds that like you'll never flip again. That's the ultimate shame. Ironically, you know who's really forgiving? 47 year olds. You know what? I just had a, I had three near simultaneous thoughts of, man, I hope Austin St. John does a list of this and then, man, there's no way Austin St. John remembers this. And then, yeah, he bet he totally does. He definitely, definitely does remember this. Austin, what would you like to talk about in today's session? The back flip again. Again, Austin. Again, I thought we had such a breakthrough last time when you did, when you just laid on your back and you kicked your feet up. Yeah. Thanks, mom. I got super duper close. Stick to Kip Ups, Austin. Okay, here we go.

Let's raise some money for Austin St. John in the money zone. Our first sponsor this week is naturebox.com. Well, I guess they just prefer nature box, but they don't normally put the, anyway, they have a ton of great snacks like peanut butter, nom nom's and Sriracha cashews. I like the mini Belgian waffles. Boy, those are nice. Just like a little spot of natural peanut butter. It goes down real good. Also just smother them in chocolate. Sure. Nutella, pretty much any liquid. I like their, I like their bacon uh-ohs. That's not a real one. Now bacon, you haven't had the bacon uh-ohs? At least brand new choices every single month.

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my brother. Find out which of these are real and which are fake and get your first box of hand-picked snacks sent direct to your doorstep. I want to tell you guys about Zip Recruiter. Please. Zip Recruiter is a place where you can recruit millions of people to work at a single business, I think. No, wait, no. That's a crazy business. Have you ever wanted to have millions of employees in your small business? Raise your own army. Zip Recruiter is an army recruitment, no, if you're short staffed there's no time to deal with the dozens of different jobs I sat out there. Monster, cooljobs.far, was that what it was? Was Zip Recruiter, you can post to 100 plus job sites with a single click. It'd be instantly matched to candidates from over 6 million

resumes. You can hire all 6 million if you want. I'm not going to tell you what to do. Zip Recruiter has been used by over 400,000 businesses and you can try it right now for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com slash mybrother. That's ziprecruiter.com slash mybrother. Start surfing the human web. I got a message for Tom and Jessica from Ashley Shannon and this is the entire message. Hey guys, call me back. All right. Is that for us or no, it wasn't. I also just want everyone to know that this was a best available time slot. God knows how long Ashley has been waiting for this call. Oh, Tom and Jessica, guys. She could be like a cartoon skeleton with cobwebs by this point. She probably is because I bet she got locked out of her refrigerator and she couldn't

eat any food. Now she's a cobweb skeleton. Tom's like, hey Jessica, do you remember an Ashley Shannon? Do you remember Ashley Shannon? She's all bones now. We make the pony express look like prodigy or comp you serve. I have another message here and it's from Sarah and it's to Jesse and Sarah says to Jesse, hey Jesse, Jesse, exclamation point. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday in Truman Bim Bam style since you were sweet enough to do the same for me on my birthday. I love you more than anything else in the world. You better get ready. I'll bring the love and you bring the power aid so we can replenish ourselves after we do activities together. Even though they're playing some ultimate. Oh, okay. I thought you meant boning.

Travis, Patrick McElroy. Yes, Griffin Andrew. What? We just said fuck like 18 times. Well, that's because we lost a fucking recording. We're angry. That was out of anger. That's not profanity. But we can't talk about fucking out of love. No, Travis. Love. Can I say love making? In many ways, that's worse. They need to power aid to replenish our fluids after love making. Patrick is a sweet embrace of coitus. We're eight. Do you think Austin St. John makes love or does he just fuck? Can you imagine having that his mouth just inches away from your ear? Any whispers? It's morphin time. Yeah. I'm gonna morph inside you. What? Austin? Austin, no. Austin. It's pork in time. Let's move on with our lives. What if Zordon, what do you think? I've got a Zordon.

I've got a raging Zordon. Hey, this shit. See, if that wasn't in the one we lost. Tai is a pedantic person. I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro, Gyro, Sacre Bleu, Sacre Bleu, Ayers Rock, Uluru. What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's Court, the real People's Court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's Internet Court. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. I recently referred my friend to work at the same company as me and he got the job,

which I just found out comes with a nice $1,500 bonus before taxes. He recently messaged me and said he thinks he should get a chunk of it. What the fuck? He is a single guy. I have a wife, two kids, and a mortgage to pay. Not relevant. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You could be a coke dealer. I told him no, but in a nice way. After all, we're only a few weeks away from buying candle lights presents and also diapers are expensive. Do I owe it to him to toss him a few bucks since I don't technically earn it whereas getting him the new job good enough? Am I good? That's from all mine into the land. This is insanity. The fact that you're trying to justify it to us, like I have kids and I have to buy diapers, that's great and all, doesn't matter. I don't care if

you said I'm going to take that $1,500 and burn it. I'm allergic to money and if I touch it, I get very, very ill. I don't give a shit. It's your fungibles. His bonus is a paycheck. It's a paycheck that you got him in the bank every two weeks, homie. What are you talking about? Do you get a cut of that? Do you give him like $500 now and then you get 10% of his paycheck every month? You need a royalty on this deal. You got to get your long straw out. You got to sip of that juice. Is it possible after the pizza thing and then this thing that people just don't have a society is just crumbling around us? Yeah, friendship is just not what it was anymore because I cannot imagine even my closest friend who I have no problem saying whatever to. I can

say anything to them. The idea of being like, but I need some of your money, like, no, no, ooh. This is bonkers and bad. I think you and should break up with this friend and pizza, it sure would like some pizza in true park, break up with their friend, you're each other's friends now and the other two friends can just fucking parasite off each other until they run out of money or pizza and just wither up and die. Uh, unless. Unless. Check that calendar again. What, uh, what year is it? Well, it's November 2nd now. Yeah, but what year is it? Uh, 20 aunt 15. Sorry, do you mean 20 grifting colon the con is on? The con is still on, yeah. The con is on. Is it off on January 1, 16? Yeah. God, guys, we only

then the apologies begin. Got about 58 days. So start, keep, keep your conning, finish those cons up. It's time to move on to the fucking prestige. Uh, so what if, what if this, okay, you get your friend a job, yeah, 750 in your pocket, 750 in his pocket garbage, but he quits. Okay. How long does he have the job? What? How long does he have to keep the job? It doesn't matter a day. I mean, he literally, he like calls the next day is like, Hey, it's Brian, I got hit by a bus. Bye. He's just gone. I'm an angel now. I'm calling you on an angel phone. Then you show up. He's back. Fake mustache. This is my friend, Ryan. He is in many ways more qualified than Brian. So far, so good. I don't, I don't want to speak ill of the dead,

but fuck Brian's whole work ethic. Fuck Brian. Brian gets the job 750 in your pocket next day. You overhear a little chatter around the coffee maker. Did you hear the tragic news? Ryan moved to Aruba and was hit by a bus. That's probably a little more fiction. Hi everybody. This is president Obama. I'm prioritizing legislation to just get rid of buses. They're fucking out of control. They're out of control. Did you see ghost dad? Then, then who's that knocking on the door the next day? Boss checks his day planner. What's that? I have a 1030 with a new hire applicant named Brian. Can that be right? It can. And guess who's about to make 750 more dollars? It's you. The con is on. Also, Brian. Next day. You and Brian. Next day,

Brian, hit by a bus. Brian's not even a name. I'm going to miss him though. This is my friend, Brian. He's got a lot of work. He's really into seeing the future. Yeah, he's a soothsayer. This is a lot of work. Didn't didn't foresee that bus though, because he's dead. 750 more. This is dry and dry and dry. And Travis, you're right. It is a lot of work. And that's why we got to simplify the process. Cut Brian, Brian, dry and dry and completely. It's just you. Okay. Okay, you show up at work. Hey, boss, it's Doug. I've got another great candidate for you. His name is Jug. It's you. You're in a bowler cap in a monocle. Good day. Good day. Yes, I am Jug. Jug, I'm prepared to work at your establishment. I will work hard. I will do good jobs.

Can you just be like, yeah, I've got a candidate. It's you, boss man. You're hired. I'm hiring you for your job. That'll be $1,500. Money, please. Money, please. I'll take it in small or large bill. You know who else we should hire? Debra from accounting. I bring Debra in here. Debra, good news. I'm hiring you for your job. Well, yeah, I already work. You're perfect then. A perfect candidate. Very qualified. I don't know. This still seems exact. Can I just embezzle? Yeah, you can just embezzle. Just embezzle or just steal. Just much more straightforward. Just steal. Just take. Yeah, can I just steal? Just steal and take. And don't try and get clever about it because that's how you get caught. Just fucking take. Yeah, just take. Because

everybody assumes nobody's stealing. Yeah, unless you use yourself for a stealer. In this case, you're assuming everybody is all the time. This is the secret. Everyone's stealing all the time. I steal from this podcast a bunch. What do you steal from this podcast? I stole 30 minutes trashes recording. It's me. Podcast Krampus. I've cursed Audacity. Just kidding. But we cut your head off and buried you in a grave and put a cross up and set a fire around it. Yeah, it takes two crosses. Damn it. You can't kill podcast Krampus. I told you Travis, we should have gotten cheap on the cross. Well, you know, ties are tight. It's randomized. There's not a lot of money to go around. Also, you used Epsom salt. It takes

kosher if you want to take down old podcast Krampus. That's what I had left over from my gout. Sorry. You heard me, Krampus. No, I heard the words you said. It's just they didn't make sense in treatment. You have to put salt on your gout. He has. He's got a soak it. Come on, Krampus. Read a book. 100% certain what gout is. And I'm pretty sure I did a Solbunz episode. Yeah, no, that's nothing. I know. I see gout is you guys swollen toe because you drank too much wine and you live too high on the hog. That's exactly it. Do you guys want to y'all? Please. Yes. I hope podcast Krampus doesn't steal it. I like the idea of podcast Krampus because I feel like so many, it's a very relatable thing for podcast creators.

It's just losing shit. I listened to a lot of Worst Idea of All Time. Those guys have lost like a dozen episodes at this point. Fucking podcast Krampus is busy in New Zealand. This one is sent in by Yahoo Answers User Game Recognized Game Rachel Sperling. It's by Yahoo Answers User Boom Howard. Did I call Rachel Sperling Yahoo Answers User Rachel Sperling? I think you might have. At this point, it's not inaccurate. That's a good point. Boom Howard asks, If I'm at an MLB game and that's Major League Baseball, could I help my home team go? Sorry? Go Royals? I'm going to jump right on this. You don't have to say Go Royals. They won it. But that's why I'm jumping on it because they won it. Okay. So now I'm a fan. Good, good.

If I'm at an MLB game, could I help my home team get a home run this way? Say that I am at an MLB baseball game and a batter for my home team hits a ball and starts running bases. So as the opposing outfielders are looking for the ball to drop so they can throw it to home or to a baseman to try and get my batter out, what I do is throw another baseball on the field to distract them from the real ball that is actually in play. So they all go after my baseball and then even if they get them out, the ruling is reversed when it turns out that they did so with an entirely different baseball that wasn't the one in play. So just help my team get a home run through the classic Sun Tzu strategy of creating a diversion.

Could this work? It happens all the time. It does happen. It happened in the World Series Game 5 last night. The problem you're going to run into is that once you enter a second ball into play that then they have to play the rest of the game with two balls. It's like, what's that? Said two balls. Oh, excellent. Great. Yeah, it's like pinball rules when you get a multi-ball. They're both in there now. What the hell? You have to get two batters, two pitchers, two catchers all working. Backup catcher. Yeah. Backup catcher, pull him out of the outfield. That's what the book Catcher and the Rye is based on because that's what they call the area just behind the plate. Oh, right. They call that the Rye. So yeah, if you, so two balls are going

simultaneously and you have to keep track, usually the judges, you know, the baseball judges, the panel. Yeah. They'll paint one of the balls red. Yeah. They'll keep track of it. And that's the double point ball. That's the one that's full of bonuses. Yeah. And if you catch that one, nobody can touch you for like 30 seconds. I feel like these rules are going to get complicated. But this one, now you have to be careful. Don't hit the green one. If you hit the green one, your team loses a point. Right. That's the innocent ball. But if you hit the sort of glowing one, then your back becomes imbued with those properties, which is like a plus three strength. Yeah. And then you can hit all of the basement with your bat as you run around. Yeah. And they,

but watch out because they can fight back. They got knives. Two ball, baseball started as a joke to me. It would be sick. And now I really want to, it sounds way better. Can I bust it out, flip it and reverse it for you though? Hit me. What's the worst part of baseball? When your team is fielding. Yeah. Yeah. Just the outfield in general. It's a giant barren land where nothing exciting ever happens. Let's just get rid of it. Just infield. Just the core diamond, right? But then let's duplicate that, flip it around, mirror image. We're talking about two batters batting at each other. Oh, so like full court baseball. Full court baseball. Yes. Yeah. Two balls. That's where the two balls comes in. No defense. No defense whatsoever.

Just a, and two gloves, one on each hand. Why they got that free hand? Yeah. Just sort of like a home run death battle. This is amazing. This is very good. With this working football, there's no defense. No defense. Just two, two teams trying to score points on each other. Yeah. At the same time, two footballs, double the pigskin baby. That sounds way, because like that cuts out the point part. Let me say this, maybe shorten the old football field. Like, you know, a hundred yards is a long way. I can't imagine going that far though. Go ahead. Do you think I'm going for arena football? Cause that's not what I was going for. No, no, no one wants to watch arena football. No one even wants to hear us tell jokes about arena football. I'm just talking

like 25 yards. Oh my God. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. I can conceptualize running 25 yards. So like, that's how far it would need to be for me to play football. This pro crazy football that is like a future sport at this point. Yeah. And it only goes like 15 minutes. I mean, advertising is at a premium. That sounds real digestible. Yeah. Yeah. This sounds like you're, this kind of sounds like NFL blitz at this point that you're in street football. Sounds like NFL shits. Can I hit you guys with another idea that's even better than all the ideas that you two have come up with so far? Yeah, please. NASCAR driving in circles. What if half the cars are driving one way and half the cars are driving the other way? And then it's like everybody's playing Mario Kart, but half of people

are really bad at it. So they get far behind and instead of trying to win, they just like try and take the other people out. I do have to point out that this is like, we're doing this in our real lives every day. And it's just called like traffic different lanes. Not really that thrilling. And so just to keep it safe, we'll put a concrete divider in the middle. Yeah, there's going to be a bright yellow line dividing the two lanes. And then you know how sometimes like during NASCAR races, there are people like camped out in the middle and like trailers and shit. We got to give them some way to like get out of the middle of the thing. So we're going to put like a special light at one point on the racetrack that like tells the cars to like, hey,

chill out. Brian's got to go refill his Diet Coke. So like a light that changes like if it's greener, then they can keep going. But if there's like a red one, then they have to stop going. Yeah, kind of what you're thinking. And you know, if it were me driving in a circle all day long, I get really bored. So I'd want some like, some like offshoot roads that I could pull off. Yeah. And maybe head towards other roads. Yeah, sure. I don't see why the race has to be, I feel like the race, you should have to like find your own way. And so there should be lots of different roads leaving the racetrack. And then we can also just put a bunch of like residences and businesses to sort out. Yeah. So maybe I pull off the race and then like,

I stop at the office and I go in and work for like eight hours. I think this is basically the movie. What if people get bored in car city and they want to watch a race? So they have to, maybe build a smaller go kart track in the middle of car city that you can go to to watch an unfettered race. Yeah. And then we just keep collapsing that in on itself until we're like model cars, hot wheels, just like three guys sitting around a, a hot wheels track just watching them go. It's just race cars all the way down, baby. Can we do golf? Can we do golf? What would golf be in these sort of like heightened, like hockey one terms? It's I feel like you would, you would need more than one person. I feel like a golf course,

very big people, very small, like an army, 100 people batting in a circle for a whole in the middle of all of them. Last man standing. You go laser tag rules, right? Each golfer starts at opposing sides of the golf court and each one has a hole and a flag taped to their back, like coming out of their back. Oh, fuck. So you're just like beaning golf balls at like, hey, I got a hole in Doug. Just sink it, just sink a hole in Doug. Man, that was a par four Doug. That was an incredible, incredible shot, Henry. Yeah, he hit up a tree, but I still got him. Still got him. He didn't fall out of the tree, landed right on his C six. Do you know what though? This is a realistic application for a backflip. Like if you can

reliably do a backflip, no one's ever going to score on you. Nobody's ever golf dunked on Austin St. John. Hasn't been done. What are you trying to do for nice try? Flip. Oh, I'll get you Austin St. John. Rubble, rubble. Well, I don't think the hamburger was a mighty morphing Power Rangers. He had to get work after there. Rita. What was her fucking name? Rita Repulsa. Damn, Justin. Nice. Good poll. Good poll, right? Uh, should we end the show? Uh, no. Okay. This has been my brother, my brother, me, and it's a vice show for the modern era. I hope you guys liked this second take. Yeah, we said different things. So that's good. So the that other ones just lost the time in Memorial. Sorry. Oh, God, I'm I fucking hate

podcast crampers so much. We, uh, we should tell you we mentioned earlier, but just to reiterate, we are doing the candle nights show again here in Huntington, West Virginia. We're going to have saw bones there. And it's going to be a lot of fun, a lot of frivolity. There'll be an after party afterwards where we can like hang out and chill together. And we'll, we'll have better sound than we had last year. We had some issues. And so we'll have that fixed. If you're looking for a place to stay, by the way, the shows at the big Sandy Superstore Arena, it's actually in one of like the smaller rooms. We're not like playing in an arena, but there is a holiday in like right next door. And it's one of the nice ones. It's one of the nice ones. It's a nice holiday. And

you'll be close to like shopping and some food and industry and industry. You're literally right next to the venue. So it's going to be, it's going to be sick and city hall and the courthouse. There's so much to see and do. Jim's spaghetti. If you actually go to Justin MacRoy wordpress.com I did a post last year about stuff you can do in Huntington. There's a lot of fun stuff to do. And this will be on a Monday instead of a Sunday. So like, shit will be open. Yeah. Yeah. I want to say thanks to Nature Box where you can order hundreds of great tasting snacks and get an naturebox.com slash my brother to sign up for a great box of great tasting snacks. I might, can I recommend swirl? It's a new, it's a new, it's a new snack flavor that they have.

Can I recommend Apple attack? Apple attack sad face. Yeah. There's an emoji in there. Not a real one again. We also want to say go check out all the other amazing maximum fun.org shows. Shows like Sawbones that Justin and Sydney do where they talk about the history of misguided medicine. You can check out Jordan, Jesse Goh, Judge John Hodgman. I do a show with my friend Andy where we talk about how to survive different apocalypses called Bunker Buddies. I produce and semi co-host a show called Can I Pet Your Dog all about dogs and dog enthusiasts. There's tons of great shows on there. Go check them all out. Check every last one of them out. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winter. She's over theme song as a departure off the

album. Putting the days to bed. He's a super great guy that John Roderick and the band's super great and the music is very great and go listen to it because it's great. It's a great holiday album. Also, we haven't mentioned it in a while, but if you've got a question for us, you can send it to mbmbamatmaximumfund.org. Just make sure that there's some form of advice being asked for. Some people are just like, which one's better? We don't really make those decisions. We give advice. So as long as you're asking for advice, it'll be great. Also, no bummers. No bummers. No bummers. Should we close it out? Yeah, we're done. Oh, I'm having a stretch. That's excellent. Excellent update. Oh, so sinewy. How about this one? It was

sent in by level 9000. Yeah, Drew Drew, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by who answers user Navya, who asks, who invented the names of things? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. It's the wear on the lips. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. This is Benz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just had babies. Again. Check out the show. Enjoy by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or maximumfund.org.