My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 277: The Taz Rebellion

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

Though it may be Monday the 16th when this is released, it was recorded on the spookiest day... Friday! So much energy built up for the weekend! What could happen?! Plus, CORN! Suggested talking points: Darkwing Disappointment, Red Hair for a Spell, The Pocket Watch Conundrum, Corn Sarlacc, Lizardman Cast, Splorch.com

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new craze. England girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Hello everybody, and welcome to our rather rather mean advice show for the margin era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy.

Gang TGIF, it's your boy Griffin McElroy. F stands for fuck day, doesn't it? I don't know. Wait, hold on. No. Thank goodness it's fuck day. How lazy this program has gotten with the cursing and just the language. Let's start the episode. No, start it over. Okay. Hey, everybody. It's Jase Lizzle here on the MIC. It's MBNBAM and me, brother of me. I'm oldest. Travis, middleest. Thank God it's fuck day. And that was like a little dog made out of air horns. Walked into your fucking honey pot again. We're recording this on a Friday. So that means there's so much different material we rarely ever record on a Friday. So we have like new stuff that we can

talk about that we normally couldn't like what's new in theaters opening this week. What's happening? Well, doesn't Avengers come out this weekend? Avengers is next weekend. This week, we got the 33, which is about Chilean minors. Love the Cooper. Yeah, love the Cooper's. And by the sea, kind of a movie. This is by the sea by the Seawatch 2015. Commit. Commit to the bit. It's by the Seawatch 2015. Okay. Welcome to by the Seawatch 2015, where we're checking in on the new film by the sea, starring Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt. What, they're working together on a project?

They're back. It's about an American writer named Roland and his wife, Vanessa, who arrived in a tranquil and picturesque resort in 1970s France. That sounds nice, but there's a comma, their marriage in a parent crisis. Oh, boy. Yeah. And also Loki's there. He's stirring up the pot. Dang, I got a race to the to the Burger King and pick up one of the commemorative frosted glasses for take, for take, take this seat. And I'm gonna. Does everybody have their Melanie Melanie Laurent action figures? Because I know I do. Yeah, I don't know why they did multiples of them. But I'm excited to have the whole set. Because you got to have the Chase figure. There's one where she's in sort of a floppy sun hat. Yeah. There's another one where she's smoking

two cigarettes at the Riviera. I got the amiibo. I got the Melanie Laurent amiibo and you plug it into Mario Party 10. And then all of a sudden she's there and she's hanging out with Bowser and Sonic and friends. Did you get the one where you put vegetable oil in the little hole in her back and you crank the wheel and like real like sadness emanates from her? What did you say there? What were all those words? Travis was referencing a dark wing duck gas grenade gun that would shoot smoke if you put vegetable oil on it. It never worked. No, it did not. It was the most disappointing toy of my entire childhood. Yeah, it's really bad also. So like that reference just so I understand like that was on par with you making an inside joke

about a thing that's in your pocket that nobody else could possibly know about. You don't think other people got and were disappointed by the dark wing? The shitty dark wing duck gun? No, gang, I want to talk about this fucking unstoppable potential energy that the weekend holds. You're not excited about this intro, I can tell. But listen, anything can happen on Saturday. Anything can happen on Sunday. I'm sick of recording the show on Sunday knowing what has happened on Saturday and Sunday. It's all about potential energy. I don't have that anymore in my life. My weekends are now they're dictated by my baby wakes up at 5.30 in the morning and that's my time to party more potential energy. Yeah, think of all the

partying you could get done in a single day. I've never been to a 5.30 a.m. party, Justin. What are they like? Well, you watch little Einstein's and eat some cheesy poofs. Nice. Now, what's a cheesy? Yeah, they're not bad. What's a cheesy poof? Is that like a Cheeto? No, it's like a Cheeto, but it is a single piece of puffed corn, a hullous puffed corn. And what kind of psychedelic effects do the puffed corn have? There's no, OK, I can see what you've done there. There's no psychedelic effects because you give them to your baby when you're just like, not your heart's not in it. Isn't that exact moment? You know what I mean? Like your heart's just not in it right now.

Yeah, it's sort of like a baby tapas for the disillusioned dad. Yeah, that's, wow, that's actually on the box. I didn't know you've gotten this before. There's just Cheeto on the front like, enjoy these baby tapas for the disillusioned pups. And he smokes a cigarette. He's smoking a cigarette on this one. That's crazy. In your face. You got to put vegetable oil in for it to do it. Please add vegetable oil to this bag of shitty Cheetos. OK, listen, it's an advice show for the modern era. Let's fucking help some people for one time. Can we live? Should we also address the fact that I feel like we recorded an episode like 15

minutes ago? Yeah, this must be what it's like to have a job where you work every day. I hate it. Yeah. But that doesn't matter because this is about to be a great, great episode. All right, rip the, did you guys know? Rip the shit. Did you guys hear about that? I saw it on Huffington Post. My four and a half year old son has red hair and is generally regarded as being adorable. Frequently, when in a public space, a stranger, usually middle-aged or older woman, will comment on the color of his hair. Sometimes they will say it's beautiful, but more often they will say something like, oh, look at that red hair.

I never know how to respond to this. The tone is probably not like mine. I appreciate that they want to compliment him or something he has no control over, but the statement is usually followed by an awkward silence and maybe like a, yeah, with a forced chuckle. Is there a way I can acknowledge their compliment gracefully? That's from Josh. Just rip out a clump. Give him. Give him some. Give him some. Take a clump. It'll last longer. A sample for you to think. Stuart, be quiet. You know the arrangement that we have. If you hear, eat this shitty chop, eat this crunchy chop. You patchy little ding dong.

This is one of the reasons I hate small talk, but don't you think, what do you think the compliment giver in this scenario is expecting in the response? Look at that red hair. Ah, I see you've noticed his red hair. Come with me. Like there, I think that, yeah, is exactly what they expect and all you need to give. Yeah. You could also just make a sort of another observation, just sort of about your immediate surroundings. Like, oh yeah, and there's some soup. Look at that green tree. Maybe notice, maybe notice something on them. Hey, there's a purple sweatshirt with a wolf on it. That's sweet.

That's really cool. Where'd you get that? Tragedy. Where'd you get that? Tragedy, color for color. Give you some of this boy's sweet hair. Give me a sleeve. I'm working on a spell. It's one of the components I need. See, my wife, her dad stole some beans. Shit's crazy. Anyway, can't get her knocked up unless I have a clump as red as blood, as the sleeve, as purple as magic. Hey, speaking of sleeves, as purple as magic, I picked up Riley, my 15-year-old sister-in-law

from the high school yesterday, and there was a, I saw a, I was asking her about some of the teens in the area. Teen fashion update. Teen fashion update with Justin McElroy. You guys are going to feel bad when I finish this. I asked her about some of the teens that were surrounding our car, just kind of making small talk about teens, and I saw this fucking dope ass kid, like, jangly, crazy Jim Morrison hair and wearing a Huntington Blizzard sweatshirt. Fuck, yes, yes, yes, yes. I, I almost hopped out of, okay, Super Quake Huntington Blizzard is the long defunct.

Long defunct, very defunct. I would argue it was defunct while it was still fun. Every player on the Huntington Blizzard was also looking for other jobs. Yeah, it was a, it was a minor league, a long defunct minor league hockey team, probably our closest brush with professional sports. We have the arena football team, the locomotives. That's true, we did, we did have that, but we had the Huntington Blizzard, which made like, considering it was hockey, which, which is not a huge sport around here, it hung in there pretty good. It did, they did pretty well. This fucking kid was wearing a Huntington Blizzard sweatshirt.

I almost got out of the car and offered to buy it from him. So I could, I don't know, use as a bandana or something, because it's certainly going to fit my frame. But I just wanted to update you guys on that. And this has been the teen fashion update. When you asked Riley, when you asked Riley about that kid, was she like, oh, he just keeps showing up. I don't think he's a student. Like, did she give you any background on how awesome this kid was? She said that she knows him. And I was like, can I get an introduceio? And she was like, I think that would be inappropriate. I was like, okay, I'll just stop. Did you run up to him? I'll stop and introduce myself.

Did you run up to him and try and put a hand on that shirt, but your hand phased completely through him because he's a ghost that was murdered in 1996. And the height of a hockey game and the height of Blizzard fever. When you see a kid like that, are you like me? And do you think that kid is either super cool or like a total outcast? Right? Either he's like, really ironic and on point with it? Or it's like, oh God, there's the kid who wears the Blizzard sweatshirt every day. You know, watch any coming-of-age movie release nowadays. I'm talking about your paper towns. I'm talking about your Umi and Dupri. That's not funny. You know the teen comedy. You're Marma Duke. You're Marma Dukes. And it's just like the kids.

You're Drillbit Taylors. The artsy kids are the ones that are making it happen. And that was not true. I hung out with a group of people. One of them had a fan website about Final Fantasy III, and that was sort of the par for the course. And we were, I think, on that paper town style. And we were derided. I think that's a side effect of consolidated high schools. There's so many students there that a true fiefdom of popularity cannot form. There are more like warring clans, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Do you guys want to hear? I can mean girls? Yeah. Yeah, please. Do you remember? Oh my God, fucking perfect transition. Thank you to my man, level 9000 Yadru, Dru, Dru Davenport.

Thank you, Dru. It's by Yadru. Answers user Tyler who asks, and let's be cool about this. Can we make an agreement to be fucking cool about this for once? Yes. Justin, I need a verbal confirmation. Yes, I'll be cool. I was not at paying attention to what I agreed to be cool to. I don't think either of you did. That was crazy. I was letting my cat out of the room. It was very important. Well, you also let the cat out of the bag that you're an inconsiderate brother. Yep. Tyler asks, and let's be cool about this. Is a team a, quote unquote, nerd if they use a pocket watch update? Just recently my phone was fried when it fell in some water and I lost my wristwatch. Also, I am an avid Doctor Who fan,

so I opted to get a pocket watch. Man, I would have been good buddies with this guy, it sounds like, in high school. I am not the most social person, but I still want to be normal. I know that people tell you to be your own person, but in reality this advice is not necessarily applicable. I had some trouble with that word. So I ask again, if a teen wears a pocket watch, will they be made fun of or labeled a nerd? Keep in mind, this watch will usually be in the pocket of jeans. Ah, I'm so glad. I'm so glad he clarified because I was about to say it depends on how whole hog he goes with it. Don't vote for pocket watch, it's in the pocket of big jeans. If he was, if he went like West it and like full on like a trouser and some spats and like,

you know, like a, a, a like tails and he was like the dopest classiest dress kid in high school. No, I think he's gone around the corner at that point and he's awesome. If he's wearing a t-shirt and jeans and a pocket watch, he has not fully committed to the look and therefore yes. But it's not because the pocket watch is nerdy, it's because of his lack of commitment. Can you, but like, okay, you want him to look like a private dick? Is it, is what you're saying? You want to look like the lead singer that cherry-popping daddies? I would also accept lead singer of like, uh, you're panning the disco. Yeah. Right. That's a cool look.

I just, I think that every, every look is okay, but you just, you have to be able to commit to it. And like, this is an important thing that I think a lot of people miss out on. Like, if you get like, if you're worried about something being cool or normal and it's something that's like outside the norm, that can still be cool, but affectations aren't cool. So like, are you wearing a pocket? Like, if, if, if you are the sort of person where like, it is, it is natural to you to wear a pocket watch for this reason and this reason and this reason, you're an old soul and you only listen to fucking a 40s on four and serious XM or some shit. And that's like, that's your life and you're living it and you're owning it. Then like, yeah,

absolutely pocket watch, own it and wear it and do it. But like, three names that if you saw them wearing a pocket watch, you would say, yep, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, John Roderick. No, Johnny, Johnny Depp. Thank you. That's exactly what I was saying. Ronnie Depp. Johnny's twin brother who you never hear about. Ronnie Depp works at the clock factory. Yeah, Ronnie James Dio. Yeah. He also works at the clock factory and they need those pocket watches to keep all their shit on time. I've worn a pocket watch before. Well, we've all worn some shit, Travis. Well, like in the, in a suit form, I was in a suit. It's a good look when you're a three piece suit

with a vest with the pocket specifically meant for the watch to go into. That makes sense. That does make sense. Not so much. Jeans, not as much sense. You're in high school and you have a pocket watch in your pocket and you have on some aesthetic goggles you bought from Hot Topic. There's also a clock in every room in high school. That's a good point, Travis, and in the hallways. Everywhere. Yeah. You can't even be late for shit in high school. There are people with belts on and telling you where to go constantly. Oh my, it seems like 10, 30 classes begun. I'm late. That's never happened. No, it's never happened. You know another thing that's never happened on earth that was probably the biggest lie propagated by TV and movies in my young years

that was like I was disillusioned by? Free period. Yeah. You guys ever see that in any TV show movie like oh, I have a free period right now? That does not exist. I would lump study hall into that too. That's not a thing. You know what drove me crazy in like teen movies based in high school is sometimes in those movies the boys and the girls would kiss each other like magical fantasy. Get real. It doesn't happen. And they would go to parties in high school? More importantly, proceeding that they'd be invited to one or two? No, no, no. Yeah. I saw one shot of a movie where there was this kid who's in high school and it showed the clock and his clock said 11.30 p.m. And I was like continuity error over here. Get the DP. We're going to reshoot this scene because

who's up that late? Nobody. Don't wear a pocket watch. Don't wear a pocket watch unless you give the type of person who wears them unless. You're probably just not like you really take a look at your look. Are you completely owning the being a pocket watch person? You can't start from a pocket watch and build from there. That's why it's called an accessory. I feel like that's a good rule of thumb for like affectation. If you have to stop and think am I the type of person who could you're not like it should be just like second nature that you're like oh got to pick up a pocket watch today. Like it's just on your list of things to do and not like I am making a commitment to a whole new me with this accessory. Like no. No. I don't necessarily 100% agree with you there

Travis. Sometimes you just got to throw your hat over the fence and say this is going to be a hard struggle but I am going to start with a pocket watch and I know that I'm going to look like an asshole for a little while but I got to start somewhere. You got to commit to this. Sometimes you just got to throw your watch into your pocket and then throw your pocket over the fence. My pants. How about another question? Yeah. Whoa. My boyfriend and I are looking at moving out together. The only problem is I would rather share roommates with roommates we don't know and he would rather move in with his friends. Renting with just us would be a little pricey and would mean we would have to wait longer to find a place in our price range that is nice.

How do we resolve this? That's unjust. I kind of get this. Yeah. I've only ever lived with people I knew but that's always been to varying degrees of how well I knew them and there is something to be said that if you move in with people you know too well that kind of familiarity can breed a little bit of friction. There is something tempting to that idea of like oh my roommate is just like a random person I met through a service and we see each other in the morning and sometimes run into each other when we come home from work but we're under no onus to like hang out or like have dinner together or do shit together. We're just sharing a space and that's it especially if you're moving in and like you're significant others coming with you. I don't know. There's

something to be said about the idea of like they're just another person living in this space. A random roommate is just a friend that you don't hate yet. Exactly. But you'll get it. It's just a friend that may never become a friend. Yeah. I would have a hard time with that. I would feel obligated to try to get to know the person, to try to get inside their head. Let me in. What's wrong with me? You have easy access to me, whatever you want it. Let's like make use of your resource, your natural justice resource. Every day you would just walk into their bedroom uninvited and just be like let's just hash this shit out man. Like what are you talking? I have nothing. We have no beef to squash. We have nothing. We don't have beef,

we don't have pork, we don't have chicken. We've got nothing between us Derek. Why did you eat on my meat? There's nothing fishy. I love this roommate. I want to live with this guy. He knows a lot about meats. He's good at meat based puns. Listen, I was up all night. I had a graveyard shift at the butcher shop and I would just like to sleep place. Thank you. I left you the bacon and the fridge with your name on it. What more do you want? That would actually be a super cool roommate. It would be a good roommate man. Oh yeah, I would love to live with a butcher I've never met before. Griffin, are we going to return to your cockamamie theory that everybody's a butcher is doing it so they have a cover for when they eventually murder somebody?

It's not cockamamie as much as it is practical life saving knowledge. You wouldn't live with a butcher? I would not live with a butcher now. There's also something to be said though to Jess's question, which is do you also know the potential roommates your boyfriend wants to move in with? Sounds like it, doesn't it? But is it all your boyfriend's friends and you don't really know them? Because I could see where that would be a huge trend. Yeah, that would be really weird. I actually feel what Travis is saying here. Then you're going to feel like a third wheel in your own house. Exactly. And that dog don't hunt. I don't know. What's the solution? Just stop everybody, stop getting roommates and live in Japanese capsule hotels in the Japanese style.

Oh my God, yes. Oh my God, yes Justin, you've made me so happy. Justin from downtown, I didn't know you had that particular insight in you. That's my one and I've been saving it. Now I don't think- But if everybody would just live in Japanese capsule hotels. Yeah, I don't think there are long term Japanese capsule hotels because there would be they would be like little stinky garbage cans after a while. Unless they rotated like every night, they moved them one to the left. Change places. Why would that be the worst? What? Because are they cleaning them between? They're cleaning them between,

yeah, but you can't. Once you've slept in a bed like a hundred times, there's no getting that stink out. You got to keep rotating. It's all about stink confusion. You got to confuse those long term Japanese capsule hotels. Man, this is a great idea. Austin would go gaga for this shit. Boutique. It's a boutique concept. It's boutique, it's small, it's tiny living. Yeah, tiny houses are huge right now. Well, wait, hold on. But imagine if you just like slept in a drawer and at that point you're like, oh, you live in a tiny house? Oh, I didn't know you're so wasteful. Do you really need that much space? I sleep in basically a cabinet. I'm basically Peter

Pan Shadow. I basically just live in a drawer in Wendy's room. I have eight hours of oxygen pumped in to my sleep coffin every night. No more, no less. No more, no less. That's how non-wasteful I am. Oversleep. No, thank you. I'd like to see another day, please. No, no, but tell me about your tiny house with its bathroom and shower. Can I suggest a name for this gigantic capsule apartment that we've come up with? Yes. How about just sleep? Because it's very utilitarian. It's just like a place where you go to, maybe it's built above a restaurant where you're fed like a gelatinous protein cube that provides you like your necessary, you know, nutrients, no more, no less. And that

place is just called Eat. Where's the umau go in sleep? No, it wouldn't be there one. There wouldn't be. I love sleep. Let me give one tweet to it. Let's see how this grabs you. Sleep? Question. Very evocative. You can do what you want in there. Fuck yes. And the dot in the question mark is also a capsule that you can sleep in, but you only rotate into it once a year, but that's a great night's sleep. That great view, too. Great view. Well, for everybody walking outside, they can see like right up your sleeping tunic that you have to wear when you enter the hotel. Oh, this is good. Question. How about a yahoo? Yeah, how about we hit you with a yahoo? This yahoo was said by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? Thank you,

Ira. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Oh, something's gone wrong. Let's call them Iowa Greg. Iowa Greg asks, what is the fastest way to eat corn on the cob? Additional details. It's for a corn on the cob eating contest. Oh. You're disqualified right now, because you're juicing it. You're cheating. Yeah, that's the question. If you ask and I'm glad he clarified that there were rules and strictures, because the easiest way is, of course, to cut all the corn off of the cob, but then I feel like that would be frowned upon in a corn on the cob competition. I would think so, yeah. I would think so. Maybe just no one thought to ask. They bring you the plate, and you're like, could you cut it off for me before we start?

And they're like, actually, yeah. Yeah, we can do that. Cool, cool, cool. Can you load it into my here? This thing I have, it's like a big PVC pipe with some hairspray, can's attached to the back of it, and it says corn gun on it. Can you just dump it right in there? Yeah, I get it. There's nothing to have bylaws that says anything about corn guns. Go ahead and slap it in, I guess. Could you modify a t-shirt cannon to just blast a copy right down your throat, just get a copy and just blast it clean down? I think that you could do that once. Well, how much corn do you have to eat for this competition? Probably more than one year, I would guess, right? Yeah, oh, is it speed or is it amount? Are you cleaning one cob or is it how

many cobs can you do in a set amount of time? And I gotta tell you, Justin, down in the whole cob, that just seems like you're wasting space in your tummy. There's a lot of fiber and stuff in there that they don't expect you to eat. Obviously, they get very excited. The judges get very excited when they see somebody eat the entire cob, core and all. He's here to play. Yeah, so everybody, everyone will throw one of those down during the run just to show off to the crowd a little bit, but more than that one sort of obligatory corn shot and you're just not being efficient. You know, I was sitting here thinking of how I tried to figure out how I would do in a corn and the cob eating contest, like trying to gin up a number that represented

how much corn I could eat and I realized something. I don't really know because I can't think of a time in my life when I finished an ear of corn with the buttering and the salting and the chewing and everything and thought, yeah, I'm ready to go through that again, one again, pile it up, let me get another cob going. Nobody's ever gotten full of corn on the cob. They're just like, I can't do this anymore. That was a lot of work. It's a whole process. You can't just like, oh, I'm late for work. Okay, I'm just going to grab a corn on the cob to go. It's a whole production. You ever see that little kid in like 20s movies? He's in his little Lord Roy outfit. He's licking a big lollipop. The closest you can get to that look as an adult in a socially permissible setting

is eating a corn on the cob. It's just like you got your little pinkies up and you're just... If this person's talking about going pro, then I don't think they realize the sacrifices that are going to be required of them because a lot of the corn pros out there have gotten tooth reversal surgery and that's sort of where it's like a special kind of braces that they put on your teeth so that they all sort of bend backwards like in towards your throat hole there in the back of your mouth. Like a sarlacc. Kind of like a sarlacc, yeah, like a reversal of the teeth direction and so they just jam a whole cob into their mouth and a little bit into their throat and then as they pull it out their backwards teeth just do all the scraping for them and as

you just get one clean go. Do y'all do the typewriter or are you doing a circle around the corn and then move to the next circle? Which way do you guys do it? I just... I shuck it with my fate. What are you talking about? I just told you how I did it. No, I mean now without the professional tooth reversal surgery. You do the typewriter like they do in them cartoons? I'm actually a fan of doing cutses off sees and I don't fuck with that in between the teeth stuff. Get that out of there because I want corn now. I don't want corn tomorrow. Okay, hypothetically you go to visit a friend's house and they're very strict that you cannot

cut the corn off the cob. It's a very fundamentalist corn household and you have to eat it on the cob. Do you do typewriter or do you do a round? Okay, so in this situation where this has happened to me once because it'll never happen to me a second time, I guarantee you that because I'll never talk to any of the parties associated again. I guess I would typewriter it, Trav. That's the correct answer. You did good, Griffin. Given the circumstance that you've laid out at it, I get it is the correct answer, I guess. I like this big hunky-chunky bite. Man, can I just also say to the side, fuck, this is funny. Talk about how we like to eat corn for hours. But unfortunately, we have to go to the buddy's then.

My Brother My Brother Me is sponsored this week by Squarespace. If you would like to make a website all about eating corn, the funniest thing anyone could ever talk about ever. I think we can all agree that you want to use Squarespace. My Brother My Brother Me is brought to you in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform. Squarespace sites look professionally designed, regardless of your skill level and with no coding required. Anybody can do this. Anybody. Name somebody. Right now, Justin, name somebody. My baby, Charlie. She could do it. Griffin, name somebody.

Anybody. Oh, fucking Ron Perlman, I guess. He could do it. Justin, name somebody else. Ron Perlman? Oh, no, he can't do it. Junior. Oh, yes, he can do it. Don Perlman. He is allowed to do it, but only once.

He can't do it, actually. That's the trick. His flesh is made out of hardened, white, precious gems. Both of Nightcourt, both of Nightcourt, both of Nightcourt. He can do it. Three. That's my next three. I want to get him out of here. Oh, yes, no, yes. Griffin, one more. Dr. Pizza. Dr. Pizza could do it. Anybody could do it. I forgot, I ran out of people, okay?

Oh, you did fine. And here's the best thing. Right now, you could start a free trial just because you listened to us with no credit card required. If you go to squarespace.com, use the offer code mybrother, all one word, you'll get 10% off your first purchase. So 10% off, plus a free trial with no credit card. Anybody could do it. Even Dr. Pizza could do it, and he's not even real. Squarespace. Bill, you're beautiful.

Excuse me. Sorry, he's not a real doctor. He's more like a professor. Professor Pizza. Thank you. I have a message here, and it's for Cupcake, aka Kim, and it's from Muffin, aka Joe. And Cupcake, or Muffin says to Cupcake, happy fourth anniversary to the woman with hopefully infinite patients. You're an amazing mother and wife and the love of my life. P.S. Ramblesnatch.

What is that? Was that one of the names for Warrior Cat, or is that a private, personal, maybe sexy message? That's sexy. Participated in something private and personal and sexy. Well, they made me do it. I can't feel guilty about like they left their bedroom door open, you know, and they played soothing music inside. What am I supposed to do? This message says it's for the week of November 12th. Oh my God, we did it.

That's a third. First off, we did it. Secondly, that's a Thursday. What are you doing? How are you splitting up your weeks? Thursday's a special day of the week. I don't want it. I feel gross actually talking about this bedroom situation. No, Griffin, tell us more about what Cupcake and Muffin do on Thursdays. They get stale because they were baked on a Monday. I got a message for James from Will. Hey, big bro, here's wishing you a happy big 29 from me, the guy that always beat you at

Settlers of Catan. I hope the final year of your 20s is filled with fun, laughter, and gunny. I don't know what that means. Oh man. I bet it's dirty too. Probably not dirty. Probably not. No, it probably is dirty. Sorry for eating your cherry flapjack, my bad. Oh, that is a true crime. I would love, I would just adore.

I would just really fancy a cherry flapjack right now. That goes down really good. You know what I would kill for right now? What? Corn. Some motherfucking corn on the cob. Right. I want to kill, a corn on the cob is basically a Japanese capsule hotel for corn, and I want to get in there like Bahamut and just destroy the whole foundation of the thing. You know what I mean? I do. I really do.

I want to get that sloppy corn butter chin that you can only get from a true full-blown cob devastator. I'd also like a corn fritter. Yeah, whatever. Do you guys ever, so, welcome to Corncalice. Did you guys realize why this episode is not one of our best? I just realized it. Friday the 13th, it's been cursed. It's our first ever Friday the 13th recording, I think.

Well, boo, I'm Jason. Hey everyone, we're the Flop House, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalen. What is the Flop House? You may very well ask. We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

A bad movie podcast, isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche, and two, shut up. Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast, a podcast about words that sound like other words, a podcast about me singing long irritating songs like this one, a podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie, or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out and talking about ding-dongs.

That's mostly used, too. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flop House. That's what happens now. You read a question. Okay, all right, kind of pump the brakes there. You asked.

I currently work as the graphic and web designer for a small company, and the nature of my work requires to bring me the Friday 13th. Got me again. Oh, those tricky, those tricky Jason's. They sneak in and make it twist. They twist your words. It requires me to bring my laptop into the office. I love the job, except for the fact my very hands-on boss keeps poking and touching my screen.

Oftentimes, hard enough to make me worry about the safety of my computer. Is there a way for me to get him to stop it and to keep my job? That's from Smudgy's screen in SoCal. I'm sorry. Now, Griffin, why is this tickled you so much? This tickled me. Imagine it. Imagine it.

Oh, let me see. What are you working on here? Jab, jab, jab. Jab, jab, squeeze. Oh, I like this graph here, and I like how it goes up. Oh, you've done a bar graph with a bar here, here, here. Oh, yeah. Hey, what does this button do?

Do you want some of my PB and J? No? All right. All right. More for me. What is this new search engine you're using? Splorch, splorch, splorch. Like, what is this guy's deal?

It's called sports.com. Hey, can we get that? Can we get sports.com? You already did, damn it. Uh, I have one foolproof plan that is going to keep your bosses going to fall for it at once, and then your problems will be over. Put some jelly on it. Yeah, I figured that might be.

Put some jelly right on your computer, and the boss goes in for a touch of risky, and he comes back with a finger full of strawberry preserves. I guarantee your problems are going to be whisked away, like you're on a carnival cruise line sailing off to the Bahamas. Now, Justin, I'm sorry, but how does that stop the screen from getting smudgy and dirty when it's covered in preserves? Now, listen, because now you got ants, but the ants are interested.

And those helpful ants are going to clean that screen right off. They won't leave a fleck jam on there. Hey, is this the IT department? Yeah. Is it normal for my computer to have some bugs? Yeah, it is. Just bring down and fix it. Fuck yeah, you nerds, I recorded that.

Nobody can get me fired for this now. Have you seen that hot new viral video, Guy Punx IT department with bug puns? It's got four views. It's pretty sick. You guys want a yahoo? That didn't really answer the question, Jelly. Well, it's just the craziest thing I've probably ever heard.

Why is this man touching your screen so much? Does he know there's little LCD diodes in there? They don't like being touched. Give them their space. Ask him not to. Just ask him not. Or maybe is there a way you can make him feel like good about himself while asking him to stop?

Like, whoa, Hercules, you're going to break my liquid crystals with your big muscles there. You better pump the brakes. I have an idea. Okay, here's what you do. Have ready, right, a little bottle of spray and like a screen cleaning wipe, right? And when you see him coming, start cleaning your screen.

And when he walks up, you look at him and say, just trying to keep my screen clean. And then you're done and he's there and he's just seeing you trying to clean it, right? I think that that will be enough to keep his fingers off of your screen. Unless he's like, oh, you got rid of my good oily work that I did on my last reason.

I drew a line for you to follow. Don't you understand? I said I wanted the line graph to go like here up to here. Stop, stop erasing it. Hey, stop cleaning your screen or you're fucking fired. You're a dime a dozen. Let my grease do the work. Do you guys want to know who?

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Let's see how who was sent in by level 9000. Yeah, Drew Drew, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by an anonymous user. I'm going to call him Big Joan, because Big Joan is the only person

that has answered this anonymous user. Big Joan asks. Perfect. What is lizard man's relationship to this human world? What does it mean if you are a lizard man in a former life? What? Okay. What Griffin, what, what in there is capitalized?

You think that's going to help? I don't know. I'm looking for any clues. W, the W and what? That's it. Proper. Lizard man's not, former life's not? No.

God damn it. What is lizard man's relationship? One more time. What is lizard man's relationship to this human world? God, do you think this is lizard man asking that? Oh, that's grim. Poor lizard man. He's out in Rough Friday the 13th too, huh?

What am lizard man doing in this human world? Why can't lizard man find love? Lizard man keeps saying wrong words on podcast. Lizard man and bad at recorded mediums. Podcast no be viral hit that lizard man expected thing. Lizard man have unique thoughts and opinions that lizard man thought would get chuckle from others. Plain fleshy human ears, no interested in hearing lizard man's unique perspective. Lizard man have small but deep audience.

Lizard man thought audience would be more permissive of audio issues early on. Lizard man can't get hashtag going. Why no one use hashtag for lizard man show? Lizard man special guest appearance by Adam Corolla fall through last minute. Lizard man more opportunities lost. Sponsored lizard man sponsors very disappointed in lizard man. Lizard man know how sponsors lizard man sorry about lies. Oh God, could be lizard man's inconsistent release schedule?

Potentially potentially it's all about consistency. That's why we're recording fucking today and say skipping a week. Even though we're recording on the spookiest unluckiest day of the year. In hindsight lizard man should not have called his podcast this American life too. The lizard man story the lizard man story. Lizard man should have called his show for lizard men only such a narrow audience just me. Would also include lizard women if could find any. It's so hard out there it's so hard out there for a lizard man.

What would you guys say to another question? How about grab ya? I would lizard man feel about that. Lizard man like questions. I'm 33 years old and my parents don't know that I have tattoos. I used to have a negative relationship with them. Yeah, I used to have a negative relationship with them. So when I started getting tattoos at the age 18 I kept it a secret.

By now we have worked on things and have a good relationship. But I've been lying to them for 15 years now about the fact that I have tattoos. I want to get more in places that'll be harder to keep hidden. How do I let my family know I have tattoos? I already know they have a problem with them in general for religious regions. That's from girl with the secret tattoos. The one thing that's strictly about this is odd is the line I've been lying to them for 15 years now about the fact that I have tattoos.

You think that's a lie but I'm a mission. Not like she goes out of her way to say she doesn't go out of her way to say I anybody got any tattoos in this room? Not me? No, me neither. Every time she shows up for Thanksgiving. You don't have any tattoos, do you? No, still don't.

Everything's cool. Where's the stuffing? But she is missed by my math 15 consecutive Labor Day pool parties. Oh, that's a good point. There's a lot of reasons why you're tattooed. What if it's her face? What if she's got the face tattoos? Well, she says she wants to get them in places that are harder to conceal.

I can't think of many more places that are harder than that. I can't convince my family. I'm just a huge fan of the opera for much longer. Could you maybe try this? Your parents are like, hey, is that a Taz tattoo on your back? And you just spin around and like, whoa, how'd that get there? What the hell? I've been targeted by a tattoo.

They got me again. They got me again. What if you just acted like you had already told them? I told you about my Taz tattoo. Yeah, you've known about it. I told you about it. Remember, yeah, it was like eight years ago. Did you forget?

And now balls in the air court. I was originally going to get one with him doing his twirl and he was going to say the world keeps on spinning, baby. Or like Taz say the world keeps on spinning, baby or something. And I just got the smaller one. I told you guys that we had the whole conversation. You remember? Because you said you were going to get one too and then we went

and you chickened out the last minute. And then you got one later and you got it removed. How do you not remember this? You remember. What if you got Taz praying? That would be amazing, probably. And so then they were like a tattoo and you're like, yeah, but closer. And they're like, oh, that's kind of nice.

That's nice. And they got another one of Taz peeing on something like that Calvin kid. Yeah, he's peeing on the devil. Yeah, you guys remember when Taz was like big for a minute, right? Yeah. I was thinking about this yesterday. Do you think that you also remember that when Tweety Bird was kind of like in vogue, right?

Like a little bit before that. Do you all, because I was trying to puzzle out why anybody would have any affinity for Taz, the character Tasmanian devil. And I started to wonder, do you think people who were super into Taz initially were doing it sort of like a rebellious flipping of the proverbial bird to people who are really into Tweety? Like that's not for me. I'm a grown adult.

I'm a bad girl or boy. I'm more of a Taz person myself. Tweety has no sway over me. Um, yeah. You're saying there were warring factions of Tweety. I'm saying that the original Taz's, I'm wondering, I'm not pausing this theory. I'm wondering aloud if the original Taz's were seen by their users

as like a, a rebellion, an act of rebellion, an anti-establishment sort of symbol. But could you not flip that, Justin, and say that the Tweety Bird came out of people seeing the Taz and saying, no, I believe in a more structured society in which the good guy wins. And they're a little bit, little bit, little bit rambunctious, but mostly there for good. Um, that you would say, I would say Taz is, I would say Taz is chaotic good.

And well, now Justin, I would say it depends on which Taz they're talking about. Are we talking about the Taz from like tiny tunes and later iterations? Are we talking about the original Taz? Because the original Taz was the bad guy. I got a monstrously explicit Marvin the Martian tattoo. Over my body. It's a full body, extremely explicit Marvin the Martian tattoo. And when I say extremely explicit, I'm talking about dick on dick,

like his online, full blown, full tattoo suit. Uh-huh. Yeah, right. I remember last Christmas as well as anybody. What, what else do you have to add? Nothing. That was a great gift that you all got for me, that you all chipped in it. It's a very expensive procedure, getting a full Martian body transplant.

But, uh, it was worth it. That was him. Of course, that was a classic character. An impersonation of his favorite character, Marvin the Martian. I actually, you know what's fucked. I'm kind of over him now a little bit. That's too bad. That's, that's a shame.

You hate to hear that. Everybody, this has been my brother, my brother, me. It's been an advice show for the modern era. Uh, uh, uh, we've been recording a lot of things this week because Dum Dum Griffin is going to Hong Kong and he's made our lives really hard as a result. And it was very selfish. Sorry, everybody.

That's very good. All is forgiven. We hope your Friday the 13th went well. It's a few days in the rearview at this point. We, uh, we wanted to tell you that we love you very much and we hope you have a very safe week ahead. That is true. That was very sincere.

It's sincere. I do. I do. I care about everybody who listens to this. And I hope they are going to have a killer week. Um, that's what I think. That's where I, I sit. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters

for using our theme song. It's a departure off the album playing the days to bed. You can find it on iTunes or Amazon or anywhere that music is sold. I think those are the only two places left though that sells music. We also want to say thank you to maximumfun.org, our, our home. And the home to many other amazing podcasts that if you haven't checked out at this point, you're, you're missing out. You're the one suffering.

Go check out all the other maximumfun.org podcasts. Like, um, I don't know. What are some of the good ones? Saw bones that Justin does with his wife, Sydney. Well, thanks, chef. Hopefully you, you've listened to it's incredible. Uh, lady to lady, uh, one bad mother. Jordan, Jesse, go of course, judge John Hodgman.

There's a ton. Go check about, we've got a D and D podcast over there called the adventure zone, which also hopefully you've checked out at this point. But yeah, go check out maximumfun.org. Find another show that you like. There's tons and you'll love one of them. If you want to have a little more timely, I would recommend trends like these, which Travis does with his friend Brent, Brentil Floss on YouTube.

And they talk about some, some of the hot news of the day, the trending news stories and they give it their own sort of a spin. Uh, last week we talked all about the, uh, Starbucks red cups and what was going on there and all that stuff along with a bunch of other stuff. That was just kind of our main topic of the week. I, uh, wanted to also tell you all that we have a new podcast coming. It's a very special, very special podcast. Because I don't want people to be disappointed.

I'm going to literally say what's happening. All right. Uh, we, we are making a new podcast, uh, with the Tim and Guy from worst idea of all time. It is an annual podcast that will release every American Thanksgiving day. Uh, and I do mean every, it is an annual podcast that will go on for eternity because we have pledged that when one of us beefs it, they will be replaced by another host and the podcast will continue forever. Every Thanksgiving day watching Paul Blart Mall Cop two.

The show is called till death do us Blart and it will be available. Uh, you could subscribe to it right now. Uh, it will hopefully be an iTunes by the time you hear this till death do us Blart. And then you can just get the first episode. There's a trailer up there now if you want to get a little taste. But that'll be up Thanksgiving day and everything's giving day for time and memorial. And you can, uh, follow the show on Twitter at death blart.

And you can tweet about it if you want to hashtag death blart. And while you're at it, as you wait and get really excited about it, you should go check out the worst idea of all time while you're at it. It's an awesome show that all three of us love very, very much, uh, where they watch the same bad movie every week and record it and, and, uh, review it. The first season was all grown ups too. And the second season is all, uh, sex in the city too. Highly recommend it.

Uh, oh, speaking of, uh, tickets for candle nights is still are still on sale. We've passed the halfway point by this point. Um, we're doing it hunting to West Virginia, December 21st. It's our holiday show that will be, uh, hopefully curse free. So feel free to bring now curse free. Doesn't necessarily mean we won't like dip into some adult ideas, but we'll try to keep it as PG as possible so that you can bring the whole family. It's a pan religious, pan sexual, personal pan holiday called candle nights.

If you would like the tickets, you can go to bit.ly forward slash candle nights too. Hunting to us Virginia, Monday, December 21st. We hope to see you there. That's our show and saw bones. You get, yes. Saw bones will be there as well. Uh, it's finally a who was sent in. Bye.

Yeah, Drew, Drew, Drew to have important thank you, Drew. It's by a Andrew answers user. Constantine who asks, is Super Mario Italian or mushroom King Denise? Uh, my name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is when my brother, my brother, me kiss your dad square on the lips.

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