My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 278: The Gushie Tapes

Episode Date: November 24, 2015

We think that we've got our finger on the pulse of the wants and needs our audience has for the show. At least, we hope we do, because we took a good look at y'all and said, "This, this is an audience that wants to hear us argue about horses in Quantum Leap for 20 minutes." Suggested talking points: Danksgiving, Waddle, Body-Bodyguard, Uber Spoilers, A Million Babies Day Out, Dr. Horse Beckett

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the Modgernera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. God guys, we have been fucking with audio shit for a literal hour. 63 minutes by my count. 63 minutes. We've been fucking with audio shit.

We're professional podcasters in theory. Nobody has as many podcasts as we do, and it's still an issue for us. And all I can say is Thanksgiving cannot come soon enough. We had all these great plans to talk about Thanksgiving, this wonderful holiday that we're going to talk about, which I guess is where you just smoke a bunch of that sweet cheap and then out of a bong shape like a turkey. Okay, do you eat the turkey afterward? Hell yeah. Wait, is it a turkey or is it just shaped like a turkey? Nah dude, I can bong out of turkey for sure, but my problem is I no longer want to talk about Thanksgiving because the last 63 minutes have crushed my soul. We could have recorded a podcast in

that time. But think about all the things you have to give thanks for, Griffin. The fact that we are even able to communicate like this in this modern era is a miracle. Yeah, no, I definitely get that. It's just like if I can find myself in the mood to record a comedy advice podcast right now, it'll be a fucking Thanksgiving miracle. Travis, how's your Thanksgiving spirit? Honestly, it's doing great, Justin. Thank you for asking. Since I'm the one that seems to be a half a second behind everybody, I feel like I'm time traveling when we record this episode. This is what life used to be like a half a second in the past, and for that I am thankful. I used to record a podcast with a dude from South Africa. It was smoother than this. It went

better on a regular basis. He was getting attacked by lions every episode, and it still went better than this. Maybe there was something there. Travis, can you fight off a big cat? I'll see what I can do. It's Los Angeles. City of Big Cats is what that translates to. Let's get back to Thanksgiving. I feel like there's a lot of meat on the Thanksgiving bones. I haven't been very playful, and I feel like that's my fault. That's on me, and let's get back to it where some, I guess, the side dishes that go into Thanksgiving. It would just be the regular side dishes, right? Yeah, because pretty much everything you eat at Thanksgiving already is food for a high person. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top? You were high when

you came up with that, guaranteed. Guaranteed, Baptist moms. I'm sitting here. I'm working so hard in my head to make more puns based on, and I can't, for some reason, I'm stuck on cranberry, but I can't find it. I don't know that there's anything there. Is this something? Can we talk about how Thanksgiving was first celebrated by pioneer chilgrims? Okay, that's good. It helped them to celebrate the fact that the Native Americans, which they did not call them at that time. No, they did, but now we have the good sense to call them that. The Native Americans helped them discover corn, or is there people called it? Hayes. All right. Is there something there Thanksgiving? Are we shoehorning ourselves

into weed culture a little bit too much? Because we had a run in the last couple episodes, we talked about Batman villains, and how we could fit weed jokes into there. We don't smoke a lot of the kindness between the three of us, and I worry that, I don't know, I think I have some dank imposter syndrome going right now. I know what you mean. I'm trying to stay relevant. I feel myself aging out of the world in a Logan's Run kind of way, and I'm just trying to, I want to be the first old person to try to stay cool longer. Do you know the temperature? This is sort of a safety part of Thanksgiving. You know the proper temperature to cook your turkey at. Now, I know I do want to cut this off at the head,

because I do think you're about to say 420, and that is actually very dangerous. I feel like too dangerous to even joke about that temperature. No, I mean 420 would be a very, I mean that would be a fast cooking bird. I don't think you're going to get top flavor. You're talking about an internal cook, like you don't want to do stuffing in the middle if you're baking at 420. Usually the reason we talk about weed jokes is that there's enough weed slang that puns become very easy. They usually come fast and furious. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving was not the right vein that I thought that it would be. I thought there'd be a lot of fruit to be plucked from this particular vine, but you know what? We do the show in real

time. You can't really penalize us when things don't pan out. That's the nature of the theater of the mind that we present here on a weekly basis of my brother and my brother and me. Sometimes theater is just not very good. Sometimes theater is bad. This isn't a show about comedy professionals performing prescripted material. It's a communion really between friends, and sometimes your friends try to do pot jokes about Thanksgiving, and it doesn't pan out so well, but we're all still friends at the end of it, and that's what matters. That's what Thanksgiving's all about. Listen, if you want to watch good Thanksgiving comedy, just watch Friends. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point.

Or French. Or French. French. Yeah, they had that episode where they had to solve a sci-fi murder by getting their head stuck in a turkey, huh? Do you remember that one? The old man, old scientist man, was like, I've got to know where I can find the solution to this one, and he got his head stuck in a turkey. If we examine the cornea of this turkey, we'll see the last thing it saw before it died, and we'll be able to, oh, it was just a mill, just a mill where they turned turkey into turkey. That's weird if you think about it. Turkey, the animal, and turkey, the food are really the same thing, but you wouldn't really use that word the same way. Did you start celebrating Thanksgiving early this year, Justice?

Sounds like it. It's just a weird thing to think about. Hey, you guys never thought about birds? Like, what are they doing up there? It's like they're pigs. Okay, but like pigs have this, where it's a pig, Charlotte's web, and then it's pork is what's for dinner. I understand what I'm saying. Yeah. But turkey doesn't get that, which must be like that. That's a layer of abstraction that pigs do not allow themselves. Oh, what are humans eating today? Pork. Pork is very hot. I wonder what pork is. Well, we'll never find out. Yeah. Turkey's don't get that. What can we, can you come up? No, one and one. That's my brother. Oh, you mean turkey. Can you come up for me, Justin, a name for an abstraction of turkey meat, what that would be called?

Yeah, no problem. I'm just, you're asking to create a word from whole cloth. Yeah, no, it's take your time. What, what about, what about this? Okay. Pork two, now hold on. I added most of that out, but that took you like almost a good minute and a half. Yeah, pork two is, maybe that's another thing that you could go with pork two. Can I hit you with this? Yeah. How do you guys feel about good bird? Good bird. So you can have like a slice, a white, a white meat slice of good bird. And that sort of, that's, that abstracts it a little bit. We do the same thing with chicken,

we do the same thing with duck. And I feel like all, all of that falls under the same, yes, I guess you could call it poultry, if you, if you want to be a jerk about it. But may I rec, may I just slide my foot in the door here and say, and say the word good bird into that crack in the door that I've just made. Let me throw this out some, it's fun to say and fun to eat. That's the tagline, right? Waddle. Oh my God. Have a slice of waddle. I love that Travis, some waddle. That's a nice, that's a nice thing to do for turkey, to start calling it waddle, because that's a layer of abstraction that they can find some comfort in. No one, no turkey knows where waddle comes from. And that's, that is a blanket

that they like to sleep under at night. You know, fellas, we've, we've found the, I think we found the nugget in here. And I think we've really extracted and juiced that nug. So let's, when you say we move on to some advice, huh? Why aren't there waddle nugs? I would eat a waddle mug. Nope. Oh my God. Waddle nugs with gravy dipping sauce, I guess. Yeah, don't mind if I do. So this is a comedy advice show. We get half of that usually, except for the episodes where we get neither. And this is, who knows what this one will be? You'll know at the end of this in about an hour or so. I mean, you know what I would be really thankful for is if somebody would program us a fucking telecommunication solution that doesn't

shit the bed once every other one time. Travis is, is using his phone to call into Skype to improve our lag. And right now it sounds like he's balancing his checkbook with his nipples. It's an absolute fucking bit. It's like he's been giving me beard kisses in my ear for the last 13 minutes. That's what it is, isn't it? Those are your beard scrapens. Those are your audio beard scrapens that only we can enjoy. Ugh. My office likes to celebrate birthdays. And I must live in a time vortex because it feels like we celebrated a new birthday every week. Not every birthday. You work with 52 people. That's not that crazy. Yeah, it actually makes a lot of sense. Every birthday, the office gets a cake, snacks and a card.

That's awesome. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. I dread these cards. What are you even supposed to write on these things? At a certain point, how many ways can you write happy birthday, blah, blah, blah? Do you have any creative things I can write? Should I have a specific thing I write every time or come up with personal things every time? I need your help. Another year older, no years wiser in Washington, DC. Sign it, Tom Hanks. Because in 20 years, they'll look at that card and think, wait a minute, did Tom Hanks come to my birthday? And they don't remember. Put an H in Tom. Well, I think that they'll probably know that that's not the real Tom Hanks. Well, maybe or maybe when he's in public, he doesn't want the paparazzo chasing him around.

What's up with you and Rhea Perlman? Is that who he was saying? Nope. You know, I, when are we getting over some volcano too, Tom? When are you dropping it on us? Don't answer tough questions, Tom. Tom, elaborate your relationship with Rhea Perlman. I remember working in an office and like having the same fear and like sending thank you notes and how many, but here's the thing, question asker. There is not a world in which people are comparing their birthday cards and going, what they write in yours. Like that's not a fit, like you don't have to, you can write every time like, Hey, happy birthday. It's great working with you. Signed your name on every card. And they're not going to be like, Oh, did he write that

again? We're the same thing in mine. Like nobody cares. The one thing I always feel weird about in cards like that is just putting my John Hancock on there because I feel like that's sort of saying like, you're welcome. You know, you're like, here, I just increased the value of your card because my, I too looked at this card and signed it. I put my name right there. This gets my approval. Yeah, this, this is card. I'm going to sign off on this. The best you guys know is right, right on the fold, just right. I signed your crack and then put your name. It's fun. It's funny. That's good. Everybody loves it every time. You could write in there. Did you got, did you know Martin, if it's Martin, whose birthday you're celebrating? Hey, Martin, it's me.

Siobhan, did you know that Rhea Perlman was married to Danny DeVito and not Tom Hanks? That was, that was Rita Wilson. Just a little snopes fact for you and then sign it. Snopes. If you're, if maybe one thing you could do is wait until the very last person other than you has signed the card and then once everyone has signed, you take the card and write at the very top of it. We the undersigned certify that Greg is the chillest dude in the office and has the best, the best tastes in music and always like brings the best snacks and is the best at bar trivia. And then like you can present that to people. You can need to steal this birthday card, but you can present that to people and say like, listen, this is an official legal document.

This has been notarized. Sorry. In this circumstance, are you Greg or is the car your Greg and somebody else's birthday card? I don't care. It doesn't matter. You could also, I mean, as long as we're having fun with legal documents, you could just write at the top above all their signatures, the words asshole list and then a color. And then it's like, why would it, why would any of these people sign willingly put themselves on the asshole list? You would, you, that would, that could be your signature. You're creating an opening for yourself. You say, I don't know why everybody just write on the card. I don't know why everybody will sign this, but I can't in good conscience put my name on here.

Have a great birthday. I don't consider myself an asshole. Or you could write something sweet like your name doesn't belong on this list because you're not an asshole. Have a great birthday. Stay cool. Have a great summer. Love David. Love David. Oh, shit. I put my name on here. Technically. Ah, man. Ah, man with like 60 A's. Could you draw a cute picture of them? Could you maybe get great at the art of caricature and then, uh, draw a fun picture of, of everybody whose birthday it is, maybe add some value to this card? Maybe just give them your own card, like that nobody else signed. So you don't sign that one that everybody signed and they get a second card from you. Travis fucking power play.

Count how many people you work with, go to target or wherever people buy cards, uh, and buy that many cards and then say like, Hey, I just wanted you to know that like, I didn't want to, I didn't want to like lump in my feelings, which are so complex with everybody else's feelings. So I got you my own card. And then what's great is that that card will have a message in it already. That's yours. You own that message. You don't have to write anything else extra and you give it to them. That's going to piss everybody else off until it's their birthday and they get that special treatment, that double card treatment. Now, it's important in this scenario, you must not allow anyone else to sign your card. So if they're like, Hey, we forgot to get Steve a card,

can we all just sign yours? Cause we know you're the card guy, like, no, no. If they do just write asshole list above their name. Done. Everybody has something in their wallet that they'd like to unload, but they worry that they might need it someday. And this seems like a perfect opportunity. Whenever this list, this card thing comes around, just slide them like, you know, your, your Peter Pitt punch card in there with a little note. It's like, Hey, three more punches on this bad boy and you're off to Peter town. No problem. No problem at all. Get something at the library. My treat. This is my library card. Also, you owe them 675 and late fees. Pay well late fees. Happy birthday. Do you guys want a Yahoo? I didn't, I didn't get a

affirmative word. That was like the first time you said nothing. I was scooching, I was scooching around a little bit. My Chrome tabs are just a network of me trying to figure out in real time who the fuck Rhea Perlman is and how I possessed that name. I think that gets you on some kind of watch list. I don't think so. I think next time I get on Netflix, it's going to be like, we heard you're interested in Rhea Perlman. Here's, here's a fucked ton of cheers. It gets you on Rhea Perlman's personal Google alerts. Hey, I heard you were craving my waves. You gotta work for me. Check this shit out. Matilda too. It's not a thing, but it could be Patreon me. Matilda's mom starts in Matilda too. The story you really wanted to follow for that.

Forget about Miss Honey. Forget about that magic little tyke. You got Matilda's mom. No, I got her back. I got you back, didn't I, Matilda? Somebody stole my child. How do I not have the audience's sympathy? My child's been abducted. How about this Yahoo? This one was sent in by Level9000. Drew Davenport, thank you Drew. It's by Yadru Answers user David who asks, Can a teenager have a personal bodyguard for a short amount of time? If so, what website can I go to sign up for this? Prices would be nice. This person's asking us to do a lot of legwork, huh?

I, okay, gut reaction. Bodyguards have to be expensive or else everyone would have one, right? Like it feels like a thing that everyone would want if it were cost effective. I feel like everyone, a lot of people, I shouldn't say everyone because I wouldn't count myself in this assembly, but I feel like a lot of folks saw the comedy classic Trillbit Taylor. And they saw that and they thought, hey, that would be nice, but if you think about it, that movie was, and I saw a little bit of it on a plane, that movie was a lot about an adult Owen Wilson going around and beating the shit out of little kids. And they don't let you do that so much. No, not legally, no. They let you do it once and then after that they would stop doing it.

A principal will go up to Owen, Owen Wilson and be like, Owen, you need to stop. Because they're children. Oh, and you're punching children. He's like, yeah, I punched a kid. That was the worst. And he'll explain to them, no, you see, I'm a professional, I'm a professional body. When you tell the principal of the school that you're terrorizing, that you're a professional. I'll leave your school for one million dollars. No. You know, there was never a scene in first kid where a Sinbad beat up a bunch of kids. We don't remember that happening. But in that movie, Sinbad can't explain to a principal or other adult, no, you see, I'm a paid professional. That doesn't get you off,

that doesn't get them off your case. You're still beating up a bunch of kids, Owen Wilson. You know, in every movie where somebody has a bodyguard, especially like if it's the president's teenage daughter, there is inevitably a scene where the daughter like pulls some shenanigans or hijinks and manages to shake her bodyguard and get out there on the town. Or at least that's the way it always happened in West Wing. That is a freedom that I will never know. I'll never know the suffocation of having personal protection and just like the ensuing freedom when I managed to lose that protection down like a blind alley or something like that. Like I'll never be able to experience that without

laying out some cash. It bothers me, though, that in movies like that, when that scenario happens, that the next scene isn't the bodyguard's boss being like, what the fuck? She's 16 and you lost her? You're the worst secret agent at like, why are we paying you? You got outsmarted by like a 12-year-old kid. You're the worst. You're really like, how are you supposed to stop Osama? Just I do want to point out that I know that sometimes you slip off that ankle monitor that I gave you and you go eat some point-free cookies. Some cookies that you did not exchange a fair amount of cookie points for. You didn't earn those cookie points by eating, you know, cucumbers or whatnot. And I think that you should get a similar thrill for, you know, tricking me in

that way. That is a good point, Reven. If I'm going to hire a bodyguard, I need to hire a bodyguard from the most like clear and present danger to my body. And that is me. I need someone to literally guard my body from my various advances and like hurtful attacks that I launch against my body on a regular basis. Yeah. And for me, that would just be sloth, I think. Just like, hey, get up and do something. Like, nope. Haha. I'm free of you at last, bodyguard. Can you imagine Griffin just going full like dead man's float, cordwood, like trying to force a bodyguard to pick him up off the floor? Yeah, that's hard. It's a lot of weight to try to just get up from a dead lift. Did the kid in blank check hire a bodyguard? No, he hired a driver, I think maybe fought some guys

for him. But I don't think he hired like a trained hit man or something like that. That is a good question, right? Your blank check, you have a million dollars, maybe five hundo after you bought all your house in your various accoutrements. You realize that the mob is after you to get the money back, right? Wouldn't like the most obvious course of action be to hire a professional hire Leon remedy the situation for you for one tenth of the money. Listen, I have a million dollars. I will cut you $100,000. The only thing you have to do is find anybody who knows anything about this money and wipe them off the face of the earth. Eliminate them. Bring me the head of Tom Locke. I would watch that movie. How can I? How am I supposed to

sleep at night knowing Tom Locke is out there hungry for my kid blood? And why? And why for a million? That's it. Tom Locke is also very loosely associated with this whole thing. How much money would I have to pay you to murder Tom Locke? $2 million? Fine. I'll find the other million somewhere. I'll pinch pennies. Also, I want to remind you guys that Tom Locke in this scenario was just supposed to be the pickup man. Like it's not his money. He's very loosely associated with the blank check scenario. And yet he is on board with murdering this child from the jump, where he's just like, I'm here to pick up the money. And they're like, I already gave it to someone. And he's like, all right, well, I guess I got to kill that kid. Tom Locke. It took no convincing. I

guess I'll kill that kid. Like why? What? What are you talking about? That's so far removed from the solution that we guys, I don't, I don't, I'm a staunch like detractor from the death penalty. I don't support it in any circumstance except for this one. Just let Tom Locke fry. He's a monster. He's out there terrorizing kids. He's gone Tom Locke-o and there's no coming back from that. We all agree. Tom Locke showed up at Mr. Wilson's house like, hey, if Dennis is being too much of a menace for you, I can eliminate him. Like that's absolutely not what I would want Tom Locke at all. Like he's a, he is a menace, but that just means like sometimes he messes up my, my, uh, azalea bushes. Like I don't, I don't want him killed. What are you talking about? Let me see.

Let me see. Oh my God. It looks like he's destroyed your ship in a bottle. I'll fucking teach him something about death. Tom Locke. What? Hey, Papa dinosaur. Are you tired of the baby dinosaur telling you that you're not the mama? Well, I might have a person who could slip a little something into his Gerber's. If you know what I mean, why are you talking about killing my baby dinosaur by poisoning his, his Gerber's, uh, uh, prehistoric rat puree? Hey Hulk Hogan, how would you like it there to be zero ninjas? Well, Tom Locke, I don't think I'd like that very much. I would image to uphold that I'm going to spend the next decade dismantling brick by brick, and I don't want to do it all at once. Okay. I need a little runaway. My dude. Oh man.

Tom Locke, cut it out. Stop killing kids. Tom Locke. Stop it. Read another question. Hey, you know, sometimes people tag people on Twitter. No, don't don't. Please don't. Please don't tag Tom Locke and say, Hey, there's a greatness. People do that. We talked about killing Tom Bodette a lot on our other show, the adventure zone. And a lot of people were like, Tommy, you got to check this out. Listen, how much these guys talk about killing you. You're going to love it. Now, I mean, no presses is bad press, I guess, but this, this is not apply. Here's another question. I'm looking for some social awareness advice here. No one likes a spoiler, but at some point they lose their potency. Clearly, I'm not going to discuss the

happenings of the nick the day after it airs loudly in a group of people. But if they don't know Bruce Willis, I can't finish the sentence, but there's a six cents spoiler here, then they have missed the boat. What is the timeframe in which a spoiler transitions to socially acceptable conversation fodder? That's from spoiler free in Sydney. As somebody who dropped a fireflies spoiler on our other podcast, the adventure zone thinking, hey, that movie came out like nine fucking years ago, longer than nine years, because I got an earful from a lot of folks. Well, that's the thing is this is, it's all context because if you look at someone, like you were having a conversation about six

cents and the person says, oh, I've never seen it, then like that then, then is too early. Like if they're like, yeah, I saw it or they're like, I'm never going to see it. So what, we're just never supposed to talk about, we're never supposed to talk about the fact that, you know, Bruce Willis was a reincarnated horse the whole time. Like to anybody? Just because one person on earth hasn't seen it? When can you casually blur things out? And I think that there has to be, so probably different rules have to apply to television shows and movies, because if you really cared about a movie, like just clear your schedule for two hours and like watch it. But there's spoilers in TV shows where it's going to take you some seasons

of like, the OC is a perfect example, right? I'm not going to spoil the end of the third season of the OC for you, because it's going to take you a long time to get there. And I've worked so hard just to get you to check it out, because it's really, really, really, a fucking amazing program. Let's change the subject. There's no answer to this. I mean, you just got to be as cautious as possible in in polite company, I think. And also, like, please, if you've had five years to, I think the better, the better answer is this, if you've had like years upon years to watch something, don't get butt hurt when when you find out what happened on the thing. I'm about a year behind Game of Thrones. I'm a fairly good sketch of what happens in the season of Game of Thrones

that I keep putting off watching. I can't, I can't get mad about that. I should have watched it. Yeah, if you really wanted to see it, you'd see it. Let's go see it. I mean, clearly didn't matter that much to you. We actually, we got another question about spoilers this week. And so we'll just lump these together. And the question was, hey, brothers, sometimes I go out to see a movie with my friends and we take a cab or Uber home. What's the policy on talking about the movie in a cab or Uber? Should we worry about spoiling the movie for the driver? And that's why I'm blabbing in the Big Apple. That's that's a meaty question. That's a savory meatball right there. I just want to pop that in my mouth

and just work it over. Damn, that's a good question. You need to agree on a code before you get in the car. I'm by which I mean, if you go to see, let's say, Night the Roxbury to the well, Feral character, whose name, of course, is Roxy. And the Chris Cattain character, whose name is Barry, don't refer to them by those character names. So you want to create new ones like Little Dick or Tom Bombadil and you would just fat and Tom and Tom Bombadil and talk about their adventures that way. The driver will have no idea what you're talking about. Though you may want to consult the driver because maybe this is how they watch movies. Maybe they don't go to the theater because they just get sort of the second hand. Please go on. Did you see the new Star Wars?

Yeah, dude, I saw it like 17 times at this point. I loved it. I loved it when Blart Vader went in and he fought a bunch of guys and then he farted in my car. It's terrible. I really like the part where Princess Leia like kissed Han on the mouth and it was like that sweet music played and then someone spilled like half of a sprite in my backseat of my car that I own. That's like my sticky. That's like my car and my super sticky seat. And I really like that part of the movie. Would you agree that that there's a huge difference between doing this like in an Uber or Lyft versus a cab? There's something about it that seems like like in a cab, like I wouldn't worry about it. I would just have the conversation. But in Lyft and Uber, I'd be like,

now this person's basically my buddy at this point. They did pick me up from my house and I'm sitting in their Toyota Corolla and like I listening to their CD of bird sounds. I'm not just going to talk about, you know, Zoolander 2 in front of them. I bet it's a pretty funny gag if you're going to get some dinner with your friend that's an Uber driver if you get in the backseat. I bet they probably get a big kick out of that. Like, hey, just drive me wherever. I just need to be on the streets. I say once you get into the Uber, say, all right, Derek or whatever their name is, you know their name because it's on the app. So like, hey, Derek, my name's Griffin. What are you into? And maybe they'll be like, I don't know. I'm looking forward to getting home and playing

that new Call of Duty and being like, oh, cool, cool, cool. The dog dies or whatever. Wait, in the new in the new Zoolander movie. You want you intentionally spoil it? Yeah. Why? Because that's a shady business, isn't it, Uber? I have maybe have been following the tech press as closely as maybe I should, but they're people don't like what they're doing, right? Right, right. Seems like they're rubbing some people the wrong way. Maybe. They're doing a lot of bad business out there. I don't want to, I don't want not to put too far to point on it, but they're doing some stuff that I think a lot of people don't enjoy, I bet. I think. I have an answer to both questions at the same time. Okay. If you spoil something for the Uber

driver or the Lyft driver, you tip them extra. If you spoil something for a friend, you have to develop a sliding scale that's like the length of time the thing has been out, and then you have to give them money for the spoiler. Travis, I love the idea of dollar value, but let me take the penalization one step further. If you spoil something for the Uber driver, then they get to ask you about movies you have and have not seen, and wait till they find one that they have seen, you have not, and they get to spoil the ending for you. But then there's a bad system because they could just be like, hey, have you watched, you talk about, oh yeah, have you seen the new Star Wars, the dog dies, and the guy's like, no God, that, oh, okay, well, tell me what, have you seen the wire?

Yes, I have seen the wire, because like, I haven't finished the wire. I certainly don't want that one spoiled for me. And I just said that. Now I'm going to, that's like my whole Twitter next week. But like, then I can just lie about it. But then they have to, I have to prove that I've seen it, and they actually make you spoil it for them to make sure you're not lying. Have I taken a lair too far? Like, have you seen the wire? Yeah, okay, well, what happens to Greg? Greg gets shot? Damn, okay, you have seen the wire. That is the ultimate fate of Greg. You got it. You don't have to worry too much, Griffin. Nobody's actually finished the wire.

Everybody's gotten two and a half seasons in and thought, oh, I just can't anymore. I just can't. Oh, just like Dexter. After the first season in Dexter, they were like, and now, season two of Dexter, with nobody you've ever met before, and a lot of it takes place on some boats. Like, cool, bye. Did you like those characters? Sure, yeah, I kind of like those characters. What if none of them were there and you were just in an ugly shipping yard? I guess that would be okay. Let's try it. No, not for me. Oh, I don't like it. Let's go to the money zone. Too many crates. My brother, my brother, me is supported in part by harrys.com. Hey, you guys doing Movember?

Anybody on this call? I do MoLife. And then I just dedicate, I donate money to everybody. I'm doing MoRaca, by which I mean MoRaca and I. You're dating MoRaca. I'm dating MoRaca. He's my boy. Hey, guys, he's my boyfriend, okay? Harry's is the official partner of the MoVember Foundation and also the MoRaca Foundation. Just mind MoRaca's relationship. I'm very supportive of his endeavors. I love his stuff on CBS Sunday morning and Monday morning. Every day of the week. Every day of the week is MoRaca day for me, baby. I like my mother. I just donated $25 to protect MoRaca because there's only one MoRaca left on earth. Did you guys know that? You're kidding me. Yeah, there's only one. Yeah, so we have to put him into like a

reserve. You won't need to see him anymore. We have to protect him from you. At least until we can find another MoRaca to mate him with and then it'll be okay. So Harry's makes razors and they're donating money to help raise awareness for men's health to the MoVember Foundation. Harry's makes a really good quality razor and they got a starter set for 15 bucks. You're going to get a razor. You're going to get a foaming shave gel or shave cream and three razor blades plus free shipping. Now that seems expensive. I know. I mean, sorry, it seems cheap. It doesn't seem expensive. It seems like a very good value, but we can get you a better value. Go to Harry's.com and get $5 off the starter set if you use the

code mybrother all one word. That's Harry's.com for $5 off the starter set with the code mybrother all one word. Start shaving better today. Can I tell you guys about Blue Apron? I wish you would. Okay. So Blue Apron has effectively changed the way Theresa and I do dinner. Same. Yeah. Like for a long, like we have always liked to cook and now we do Blue Apron like three nights a week. And the thing is, the beautiful thing about it is whether you already love to cook, this is just going to like suffuse your repertoire of meals. And if you are someone who's never cooked before, it comes with step by step instructions and all the ingredients you need to make the meal. So you don't have to like go out shopping, worry about what it means when it

says this and how much of what do you need? It all comes there in a box and you make these amazing meals. And for Theresa and I, the two person options, it always leaves us with like leftovers that we eat over the next couple of days. And it's less than $10 a meal and it's full of fresh ingredients that are healthy for you. Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving. So it's a really great deal. And coming up, they have some omates. So like they've got stuff like harissa lamb and beef burgers with roasted carrot fries. Let's see. Roasted sweet potato and caramelized onion pizza. Did you get that chicken cow soy soup? Did you get that with the yellow curry? Oh my God. That shit was amazing. How good was that? I also want to point out they

did a really cool thing this week where you can donate your meals instead of having them delivered, you could donate them to a food bank. They donated like 82,000 dinners for Thanksgiving for people, which I thought was really nice. That's nice. This is one of those things where like we're telling you about a service we use. Sure, they're a sponsor of the show, they support the show, but like we like we, Theresa and I tell all our friends about it, you know, we're big fans. And here's the thing, right now I'm considering it like I'm telling my friends about it, the listeners of my brother, my brother and me, because if you go to blueapron.com slash my brother, you will get your first two meals free and you'll get to check it out. Like it's,

I promise you'll fall in love with it and two free meals. It's a great deal. Go to blueapron.com slash my brother. I got a message here and it's for Timmy. Timmy, you guys remember South Park and it's from your littlest niece Maggie. I'll cut out the South Park thing. That was uncalled for. Don't you dare. I'm going to keep mentioning your South. I'm going to keep mentioning the South Park thing you said so you can't edit it out. Oh my God, you killed Timmy and it's from your littlest niece Maggie and Maggie says to Timmy, happy birthday uncle Timmy. You are the best uncle and godfather in the world. P.S. I pooped in your pillowcase. Daddy said you like that kind of thing. So this is, this is from a baby. I'm guessing that

Maggie's daddy wrote this message to Timmy or else we're dealing with an adult teen baby situation in which case I'm done with, I'm done. We could also be in a baby geniuses situation. That is a good point. Travis didn't even consider that. Or a baby stay out situation in which the baby crawled across the keyboard and miraculously this is what came out. You know if you let a million babies stay out, crawl across a million keyboards, eventually they would make Hamlet. Did you know that? I, do you guys think if a million, a million babies stay out were all happening, the movie we saw was the one survivor? I think if you watch the other 999,999 baby day out, one of them falls off of the steel beam. They didn't have the heart to call the movie,

it's actual title which is baby's day out experiment 2-4-A-B-39-7. That's actually what the movie theory of everything was about in which Stephen Hawking theorizes that out of the million different baby possibilities, baby geniuses or baby's day out was the only one in which the baby lived. So a million babies, I'm saying like fuck guys, I don't know like 213 die getting out of the crib and and then like maybe only like 1400 make it to the construction site and then that that proves to be, that proves to be a challenging crucible for those babies to try and survive. Lot of discussion of 90s kids flicks in this episode. Got another message here though. Please, thank you. And it's for Ashley and it's from Tez who just says Space Jam. The message just

says Space Jam and then underneath that it says Smart House. So there it is. No, Tez says to Ashley, Happy birthday to my podcast devouring Ryan Gosling driving a total Banff of a wife. Hope this message from the brothers puts a huge smile on your face. Lots of love from your husband. Tez. Tez. The Tez dispenser. Does she drive Ryan Gosling like a car? Oh, I think so because when Ryan Gosling eats spicy food he turns around. We did it guys. We got our eight permantine reference confetti just shot out of all the lights in my house. We can finally die eight times in our podcast. We freed ourselves from this eternal podcast prison. I'm like a genie or a beetle juice. What's your reference? Turbotine eight times.

That was like the that was the lock they put on my eternal prison. Those wizards that imprison me in this dark cage so many eons ago say like, well, no one's going to talk about turbotine eight times. You know how on the hundred lives of Blackjack Savage he had to save a hundred people? We had to mention turbotine eight times and the legend of the hundred lives of Blackjack Savage twice. So we have fulfilled both of those criteria now in a very, if I dare say, organic fashion. Hi, I'm Brian Safi and I'm Erin Gibson and we host the Throwing Shade podcast. On Throwing Shade, we look at an issue important to ladies and an issue important to gay people and then we basically make fun of it. Yeah. And just to answer your question, no,

we don't have a marriage pact that if we don't get married by the time we're 30, we're going to do that. No, that's true. Although we have each been divorced three times. How about a yahoo? Yeah. This yahoo was sent in by Amanda Morhemi Aponte. I think I crushed that. Ooh. Amanda, thank you. It's about yahoo answers users. Sorry, something has gone wrong. Let's call them. Nope. Sorry, something's gone wrong. What the fuck, guys? Yahoo, fix your shit. Let's say their name is Morgus. Morgus. Morgus. No, you're saying it wrong. Morgus. Morgus. That's better. Morgus asks, what would Quantum Leap have been like if Scott Bakula's character were played by a horse? I'm just wondering if you think the series would have been as well received if a horse had played

Dr. Sam Beckett. How do you think it would have been different? What horse actor would you choose to replace Mr. Bakula? I said his name twice there in two different ways, just to sort of hedge my bets. What? Read the question again. I can't even fucking parse it. Because it's so great, I agree. What would Quantum Leap have been like if Scott Bakula's character were played by a horse? Just wondering, what are you tripping up on? Which part of this are you tripping up on? Instead of the human Scott Bakula, we're dealing with a horse, a horse's Dr. Sam Beckett, traveled back through time, but something went all wiry, and then he ended up in a baseball legend, and then he had to be the baseball legend. So he was a horse, but everybody else just

sees the baseball legend, but it's a horse. So he's a horse and a human body. Yes. I'm saying we're going to have an episode that is going to teach everyone, including young Griffin McElroy, about the difficulties that people went through during this civil rights struggle, but they'd be struggling even more with opening a door, because horse hooves. Griffin, I think the thing that most trips me up about this question is the question, would it be as well received? Because basically you're saying is, if I almost completely changed inherently, what could possibly happen in the show? Disagree. Okay. We're changing one thing, and that is the the the specie of Dr. Sam Beckett from Human. We're going to take that,

we're going to hit control F, find all human replaced with horse. Now, but here's my question, Griffin, is it a talking horse scenario? Is this a Mr. Ed, or is this just like a black beauty scenario where it's just a horse? Right. Am I going to get a scene where we're like one aid, confidentially whispers to another, why is President Kennedy eating oats like all the time, always eating oats? Sam, it seems like in order to get the leap this time, you're going to have to be Elvis and perform at the Grand Ole Opry. Do you think you can handle that? Oh, shit, probably not. It doesn't seem like, I think singing. Oh, yeah, you don't know English. It doesn't seem like you or any language for that matter. I guess it's true

what they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him leap. And then he would laugh, and then he would leap. The episodes will be very short. And they would leap. What I think we can all agree on is that Al, you know, Al Calvici, Rear Admiral Upper Half, Al Calvici, while everyone else sees the person that has been leapt into Al continues to see Sam Beckett. So by extension, Al would see a horse doing human things all the time. So basically what I'm saying is Rear Admiral Upper Half Al Calvici would have the best job on Planet Earth. He would be telling you about his job. I actually think it would be better received. Put in that context, the show would probably be better received. Yeah, like how's your job Al? Yeah, it's actually like really

good. What I do is I watch a horse pretend to do human things, and everybody else tries to figure out why a human is acting like a horse. It's basically a delight, nine to five delight, constant delight. What are you saying? Was your client able to save Jacqueline Kennedy? No, but he did take a boom in the middle of the Oval Office. Let's use that specific Emmy Award-winning series of episodes where Dr. Sam Beckett hopped into Lee Harvey Oswald. Fuckin, by the way, we joke about quantum, listen guys, we tell a lot of jokes about quantum leaf in this show. Go watch that series of episodes because it's fucking stellar television. It's about as good as TV gets. Let's talk about though, I think that that situation would have played out differently

if Lee Harvey Oswald, instead of having an itchy trigger finger, had gunproof hooves. How is he supposed to do it? How's he supposed to do it? That's true. Maybe this explains the whole thing, right? There wasn't a third man. There was no shooter on the hill. What happened was he was just as fast as a very fast horse. Lee Harvey Oswald could run at very fast speeds, and that enabled him to take all the shots himself. Of course. Didn't even think about that. I want to revise my previous statement, by the way. It would not be a great job because the novelty, like you have to think, the rear admiral upper half, Al Kalvici, would not have a very good job because in order for Sam Beckett to leap, he had to fulfill a certain set of criteria. I think we

could all agree that a horse leapt into a human body would not be able to fulfill almost any of the criteria that Dr. Sam Beckett had to meet in every single episode in order to leap. So what I'm offering is this, that it would permanently be a horse in the body of Tom Stratton, an Air Force test pilot about to attempt a dangerous flight. So it would just be a horse trying to fly a plane forever, and he wouldn't be able to. So it would just be Al like, Al, how's your job? Well, my job's pretty bad, actually. I have to watch a horse try to fly a plane. Over and over, and I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory state. What if he leapt regardless of whether he succeeded or failed? And so his job would just be watching

as a horse freaks the fuck out while Patricia Richardson gets strangled in the back of a car or something like that. Actually, Patricia Richardson was in the series where they were in a radio station on strike, and I don't think anybody was in mortal danger that episode, but so incompetent is this horse Beckett that Patricia Richardson would find a way to get like stabbed to death by Chubby Checker or some shit. Griffin, you are the resident quantum leap expert. Let me ask you a quick question. My wife is a quantum leap expert. If I know anything about that show, I have gained it through Osmosis. Is there any like backstory or explanation of where Al goes when he's not like, does he, because he's in his present time, right? Yeah. As a hologram

talking to Sam. So he like goes home and like hangs out. So he's got like, there would be scenes at a bar where he's like talking to the bartender about that stupid fucking horse Beckett again, not being able to figure out stairs, right? Yeah. Like that would definitely be a scene we would see. And that bar is called Cheers. Do you remember that happens on Cheers, right? Where fucking Al Calvici just like walks in and everyone's like, Al is like, how's your job today? It's like pretty bad. I watched Patricia hit Richardson just get the life completely strangled out of her while a horse like did nothing. Hey, that's pretty crazy. That means none of those words mean anything to any of us. Yeah, I know. I don't, it's hard to find people to commiserate

with me. I have a question for you. Quantumly is obviously a series that play with time travel. So there is no reason to think that Al's life would have to happen in parallel with it. What I'm saying is that he could queue up a bunch, right? Like he could just bang out a bunch of them in like an hour his time and just hop in where Sam Neet like a, like a disc jockey who's like pre recording his, his bits for a whole four hour shift. He could just bang out like three episodes worth in an afternoon. You know what? I'm going to revise my previous statement. Al Calvici has a fucking rear admiral upper half Al Calvici has a great job because from like nine to 1130 he has to watch a horse fuck up like three different things. And then he gets to go home for the day

and read books and drink lemonade. And listen, at worst, he jumps back in to check on it and the horse is dead and he's free. He's free. Well, no, he would just leap into a different horse. Wait, but if the, if the, if the body that the anima of Dr. Sam Beckett was inhabiting died, did Dr. Sam Beckett not die? Was there like zero mortal risk for him? That's a tricky question Travis. There is one episode where he's in a prisoner on death row and he gets, he gets put in the electric chair and he leaps while in the electric chair, which makes me think that death is a, is, can, can move him on to the next, the next puzzle to solve. Man, I wish they had played with that concept more. I, um, yeah. I wish, by the way, that situation

I just described, you heard that and you thought like, wow, what could they hop into next that would follow like the dramatic conclusion of an arc where he's in a prisoner on death row who gets executed. And then they follow that like heart wrenching drama up with like, oh no, you jumped into like a, a silly boy. You jumped, oh no, you jumped into a clown. Oh, oh no. I'm a, looks like I'm a woman again. How am I supposed to walk in high heels? Like, hi, you just died, Sam. Samuel. I, uh, I have to revise my sense on Rear Admiral Alcalvici because of the episode a leap for Lisa, uh, season four finale, Sam leaps into the body of Rear Admiral, upper half Alcalvici. Can you imagine Alcalvici's day where he's like, he shows that to work and

he's like, so what's on the agenda today? Oh, well, there's good news and bad news. Actually, just bad news. A horse took your body and now a horse is in you forever. And it would think, those would be the days where the other hologram guy, the really like ineffectual weird one that only jumped in for like three. There was another dude that like, was there sometimes that wasn't Al? I don't think it was Ziggy. No, I'm not. There's another guy. I will be vindicated by the internet. I mean, there was an evil, there was an evil leaper who had their own Al, but it was a woman. There definitely wasn't another Al that they popped in when fucking Dean Stockwell was drunk and they couldn't get him on set. And I am, I am so right about this that there's another

guy. He's a little bit pudgy and I think he had like curly hair and he was sometimes there like filling in for Al when Al was busy. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? That's absolutely real. I'm gonna Google it right now. Yeah, Google fat Al, idiot. He wasn't, he wasn't called Al. It wasn't like he was Al 2.0. It was like another like, there were other people working on the project with them, but there wasn't another person that was allowed to get in the hollow chamber. What are you talking about? There was. This is all, all the, all the Gucci sideplot has been edited out of this episode. It's gonna be very confusing for people when they listen and it just goes straight home. Listeners,

if you're the money's owned to this, if you're just rejoining us, you, you've just been spared a 10 minute conversation about Gucci, a real quantum leap character that leapt in to help Sam Beckett once when Al was busy and it was a, not a very good segment, but it was all about Gucci and you really can't deny that. Thank you Dennis Wolfberg for your one contribution to my brother and my brother May and I'm sorry that it was left on the cutting room floor. Maybe one, one day, fucking archeologists will unearth the Gucci tapes and everyone will have a nice, a nice laugh about the screaming argument Travis and I got into about Gushies, whether or not Gushi, literally if you want to know what you're missing out on, yes, of course I know there

was a Gushi. The argument, the screaming argument we have was whether or not he ever entered into Al's hollow chamber and I don't want to revive the argument, but I'm still very frustrated about it. I never thought that an argument about a man named Gushi would ever take place in my life or that I would ever feel so sure. He's torn another family apart. Yeah. There was a virtual season of quantum leap that was all fan fiction and one episode called Fallen Hero was about the death of Gushi. Someone was so anti-Gushi that they wrote fan fiction about the time you died. Anyway, that's savage. So this has been my brother, my brother and me. By the way, it's a little bit of a short episode, but if you'd gotten the full Gushi tapes, it would be a long episode.

Shorting that, it was previously an hour and 45 minutes long. Most of that was Gushi chat. By the way, if you listen to this and you work at Telltale Games, first of all, legally you have to tell me where it's entrapment. Second of all, I will for free, for free, I will write the plot Bible and dialogue of a quantum leap adventure game series. I will do that shit for free. Tell me what it takes. And hey, would it kill you to throw Gushi in there? It adjusted. It might kill me because I think I've developed a heart condition from this, again, screaming argument that Travis and I had about Gushi. Can you play? Okay, Griffin, I have a special request for you. Can you include the entire Gushi segment played at 1,000 times speed or maybe 10,000 times speed

I want you to include it here at the end of the podcast. So if someone is so inclined, they can take that audio, slow it down. And in the Gushi conversation, I'm actually not going to do that because I'm embarrassed about how passionate I don't get passionate about anything in this life anymore. I got very into the stuff that I thought happened to Gushi in quantum leap. Very, very into it. This has been my brother, my brother, and it's a pleasure for the moderator. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to Blue Apron. We can get two free meals by they make cooking at home easy and you can get two meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. Good news. If you haven't got enough of us this week, we have a very exciting project for you

to enjoy. It's called till death do us blurt. It's a new annual podcast that will continue until the end of linear time. Starring currently starring us and the guys from worst idea of all time. It is a podcast that will continue forever. It will happen every year on America Thanksgiving. It will be released as a review and encapsulation of the film Paul Blart Mall Cop two. You can find that on iTunes. You can find it wherever you wherever fine podcasters sold. If you want to just subscribe, like old school Blart dot Libson L I B S Y N dot com slash RSS. I'm going to put my foot down. I'm going to put my foot down. This podcast is going to come out once a year. Don't subscribe to it. What are you doing? What are you talking about? Comes out once

a year, but I'm going to put out some secret stuff, but I'm going to put out some secret stuff throughout the year. What's funnier than a subscription to a podcast that releases once a year. That's like, oh, I subscribe to the new Star Wars movies. Every time they come out, I get a little email alert. They would probably come out more frequently than till death it was Blart. That is a good point. Please subscribe to the show because it helps us on iTunes and we want to be a big success there. We also want to make sure that everybody knows about candle nights, our annual holiday, pan religious, pan sexual, personal pan holiday celebration, December 21st in Huntington, West Virginia. Tickets are still available. I think some people ran into problems

because they used our old like the the candle nights link from last year. Make sure you go to bit.ly forward slash candle nights to the number two. If you go to bit.ly forward slash candle nights, it's going to take you to the link from 2014, which you can't get those tickets anymore, unless you can leap back there like gushy. So go to bit.ly forward slash candle nights to come to Huntington. Do our holiday thing with us. We're going to hang out with you. We'll probably hang out afterwards. We're going to have some beautiful posters, some merch. It was a great time last year. It's going to be a great time this year and we hope to see you there. Oh, don't sleep. Don't sleep on that because we're 60% sold out of that show. We've got

less than a month. So it, it, it, you know, you don't want to miss out on that. Also, if you are coming, we have a special rates for you at the Pullman Plaza Hotel 8666133611 or the Holiday Inn at the Big Sandy Arena, which is right next to the venue 304-523-8880. Those are both 99 bucks. If you ask them for the My Brother, My Brother, and Me rooms. So we got some discounts there if you, if you want to go that route. Also, I would recommend hopping on our Facebook group. Just search for My Brother, My Brother, and Me and see if anybody wants like carpool or like, you know, go in on a room or anything. Cause, you know, maybe Huntington's not super convenient, but you want to go. And if you could find like three other people to ride

with, it would make it a lot more fun. So do that. Also, as long as you're following us and joining the group on Facebook, you should follow us on Twitter at mbambam. And check out our YouTube channel. It's, we have a lot of animated videos on there, a couple of live show clips. Justin put up the Till Death Do Us Blart preview on there, which is really, really good. There's lots of fun stuff on there. And we're really close to like 10,000 subscribers on YouTube, which I have chosen as a very personal goal that will finally make me feel like I've done something with my life. So go subscribe to us on YouTube and be awesome. I want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for using our theme song Into Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed.

This is a really good album. So is When I Pretend to Fall. That's a good Long Winters album. John Rodrick did a Christmas album, a holiday album with Jonathan Colton, which is also good. Yeah, good music all around. I want to personally recommend, I have been listening to Quality Control, Justin, the Polygon game review podcast that Justin host and Griffin is regularly on. No joke. In the last like four days, I've listened to every episode that exists of it. Because not only is it a game review podcast where you learn about games, it also like really lets you in on the review process and kind of teaches you not only about the games, but like how they look at them, how they review them, how they came up with the scores and reviews and

everything for them. And it's really been incredibly enlightening and very, very funny. And even if you're like not a huge, you know, game player or interested in games, I think everybody would really like it. So go listen to Quality Control. I love it. Thanks, Trav. I appreciate it. Trav's got a great podcast, too, called Trends Like These with his buddy Brent, both very funny dudes taking on the news of the day as it pertains to trending materials. And it's a very enjoyable show that I think you would like. So go get it. Go fetch. Sing for your supper, gushy.

It's the end of the show, right? We're done. Yeah, final Yahoo! sent in by the level 9000 Yajujujab in part. Thank you, Drew. It's about Yaju answers user music is life. I didn't, oh god, I didn't read their name until just now and their name combined with the subject matter. The question is, it's one of my new faves. Music is life asks, what celebrity would you like to swim with? Why are you just gushy? I'm gushy. Stop it. This has been my brother, my brother. He kissed your gushy square on the gushy.

The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies. And he says, what do you do adventures? I'm a dragon man. I cast fire on him. It's very good. I address the red dragon to say us. We're the hosts of the adventure zone, a podcast about family playing Dungeons and Dragons. Very good synergy. Commit to the bit. I rolled the charm new listeners. It is very effective against all odds. Everybody wear the macros. We host the adventure zones, a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons together. It's a comedy podcast. We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them. Maybe listen to us. We come out every other

Thursday on the maximum fund network. You can find us on iTunes or on maximumfund.org. I think this promo is a critical hit.