My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 279: Sad Cabbage Boy's Candy Contest

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

We are absolutely, undeniably on that Christmas Creep -- but who's gonna be the lucky individual who gets to reverse-burglarize our homes this December the 25th? Find out in our exciting, fresh new reality series. Suggested talking points: Cyber Monday, Elon Musk's Tru Santa, Gift Chores, Clownin' Without Cards, Real Estate Tips, Drunk Tattoo, 4D Books

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? What's her bed? What's her thing? Christmas for you? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. You still like that, huh? It's Whack Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Whack Friday is the day after Thanksgiving

when you go shopping for more weed. I guess that is pretty whack, yeah. I mean, do the weed dealers all sort of get together? The problem is, Whack Friday is sort of bled over into, I almost call it Whanksgiving, but that's a different holiday altogether. I hear that they bled over into Thanksgiving, and now they're doing all their deals then, and it's like these weed dealers should be with their families disappointing them. Is this on the show? Yeah, I think we started. Cold open, I'm Justin McElroy, I'm your oldest brother here, my brother, mean advisor from the Modularia. I'm Travis McElroy, I'm your middleest brother.

I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy, coming to you hot and live and loud. Raw and real. It's my brother, my brother and me. Thanksgiving is behind us. Whack Friday is behind us. It was also two days ago, yes. We're on that creep. Now it's, wait, what happens on Monday? Mood ring Monday? No, that's nothing. No, that's not a thing at all. Is there a thing that happens on Monday? Yeah, it's when Monday is reborn from the ashes of Monday, there's a new electronic Monday that has all the emotions of Monday, but new robotic parts. It's called Cyber Monday. It's called Cyber Monday. It liquefied the organic material that used to compose Monday, drank it for energy fuel,

and now it's turning it into, I don't know, a fun robot dance or something. And now is this Monday more effective because it lacks the fear and hesitancy of human Monday? Cyber Monday is judge, jury, and executioner. Yeah. Our only hope is to send Thursday back in time to Sunday to try and kill it before it's, when its mom was pregnant with it. Sunday is Monday's mom. Okay. Do you guys know who really hates Cyber Mondays? I'm going to guess. Is it Cyber Garfield? Cyber Garfield absolutely hates Cyber Mondays. Cross over. Cyber Monday. Cyber. Okay, every news story you see is that everybody's shopping online now, amazon.com. Oh man, I read that on The Times. The true North Pole. That's amazon.com.

I went to the mall on Saturday. Everybody's still at the mall. I think they're getting on Amazon at the mall because everybody's still there. You can't get a planner to save your life. Everybody's still at the mall. You joke, but even like 10 years ago, not 10, like eight years, whenever I worked at Best Buy, people would come in, look at the thing, and while standing there, like holding in their hands, be like, yeah, I do want to buy this. They'd put it back, pull out their smartphones, and order it from Amazon to have it shipped to their house. Amazon changed the game. They have a thing on their app where you literally like take a picture of the thing. Yeah. And Amazon's like, oh yeah, I know what that is. Let me buy it for you. Oh,

I got that way cheaper. I got this. Yeah. And I do that in a small business here in Austin. They don't, they won't allow it. Every time you do that, Jeff Bezos like kicks in the door. It takes a dump right there on that small business floor. You got beat. You just got beat. It's symbolic. You're just opening the door for Jeff Bezos to come in and add an insult to injury or more specifically to add poop to the small business floor. But you think if he was trying to put his retailers, Jeff Bezos would pick a corporate location if only for a time saving maneuver because the word would get out quick, right? If Jeff Bezos took a dump and won Best Buy, all the Best Buys would hear about that. But if he goes to Darren and Steve's

electronic world, he's gonna, like he's got a long day ahead of him of pooping in different electronic mom, but he's like Santa Claus, but for a very bad gift. No, really, that means put a lot of small businesses out of business. Now they're just smalls. Do you think Elon Musk is trying to make all the rockets and stuff so he can make Santa Claus real? That's something that I've thought about a lot. Maybe his end game is to make the dream of Santa Claus like a real thing on earth. Start over. You lost me. Start your idea over from the beginning.

Elon Musk is doing like, um, you know, space stuff. Space like us. Elon Musk is not a, not a perfume scent. Now Elon Musk is like the boss of Tesco and Tesla and not Tesco, British grocery store chain, but rather Tesla. And he's like into like SpaceX and all this kinds of stuff. So my theory is that he's trying to make the dream Santa Claus real. He's trying to become a true, true Santa. Uh, that's T R U S A N T A for true Santa with his different electronics advancements. Uh, Elon Musk is trying to become true Santa and, and actually like do the Santa thing in our life. That's why the hyperloop is exit. That's why SpaceX. That's

why all electronic cars. That's why it's also important to him because he's going to make Santa real. Justin, can I say that theory 100% bulletproof Santa for real Elon Musk. Um, can I also say we're doing a night record, which we almost never do, which opens up the possibility that Justin might be drunk. Everybody wants Santa to be real. Elon Musk, Elon Musk had his time where he's like, I, he took a long look at that deep dark shit from Mary. So I can make Batman real. I can make Santa real. I could definitely get one of these done. Yeah. Every rich person's doing Batman these days. Like that's so cliche. Um, is he gonna put on some weight? Seems important, huh? Like why, why go through all the trouble of inventing a rocket sleigh

and a hyperloop and all that shit and like not seal the deal by putting on those Santa claws within. Well, that's the thing Griffin is like the horrible truth that he has to face is to do all this work and then realize that really what he was doing is he was setting it up for the next person that this was not his, it was not his place to become Santa. It was merely his place to facilitate for the Santaist person. Welcome to my pitch for a new, uh, new web series, the Santaist person. Fuck web series. We can get this on cable. Are you kidding me? This reality show of casting Santa starring your host Elon Musk. I just feel like in this cyber world, we need to move faster than we can with traditional media. And this needs to be like a minute by

minute live stream update. Like, yeah, like it's more like you're just watching this, the different Santas compete 24 seven until last man standing. I'm just saying the traditional, more traditional advertising models are still the most profitable. So it's okay. Listen, what is the salary? This is a good show. There's a salary on the line of $1 million a year. Okay. And for one day of work. Yeah, I know who's going to cheer me or something like that. I got a, I got a Yule coming up. So he's got a, Elon Musk has got to find the true Santa to your USA and to a true Santa. And is that the name of the show, by the way? Can we go ahead and put our seal on that? True Santa. Yeah. I don't think my obscure channel, uh, acceptable TV reference is going

to be a very good title for that. So we're going to go with true Santa. Uh, and it's Elon Musk trying to find the man with it or woman with the true or in between. It doesn't matter. The gender is not specific to the Santa myth. We'll all compete for the, uh, the right to become the true Santa. And Justin, Justin, are you ready? When we get to season five, we enter robots into the equation. Why? It's only one season because he's Santa forever. He's Santa Claus. Unless, well, Tim Allen has proven that no one gets to be Santa forever. Is it, did they do a Santa Claus four starring somebody else? I mean, not yet. Okay. So you're just full of horse apples that it sounds like. Well, but there was another Santa before him,

Griffin. It's not like he was Santa Claus and it's, oh shit, it's an Auroboros. He was the Santa he pushed off the roof. What would be some of the challenges on Elon Musk's bowl full of jelliness? That's passage. I want, we need to active like a race or something. Oh, like who can fit the most kids on their knees at one time? Yeah. Kid based stealth is definitely going to be like up there. Reindeer, like reindeer acquaintance. Like how, how, how compatible are you with rocket reindeer? Yeah. I mean, the only test that's going to matter right is can you even ride in the rocket sleigh without just liquefying? Oh, is it more of like a G force, you know, NASA kind of thing? Like reindeer is won't be part of the equation. If he could, if Elon Musk could have like figured

out the reindeer conundrum, like he would have had this sorted a long time ago, right? Reindeer aren't part of it. It's Hyperloop. It's Tesla. It's maybe PayPal to a certain extent. I'm not sure what it is. Because other thing PayPal is works in here. You're saying true Santa, once they get one, so in the show, the secret is they hit Santa for real. He hits up LA or she hits up LA or they hit up LA. They hit up LA. Done. Did that, what did that take? Oh God, two and a half hours. Oh my God. That's, I'm way behind schedule to the Hyperloop. Hyperloop, San Francisco. Let's hit you all up. Oh my God, the sun's coming up and then rocket from San Francisco. Well, you have to use the Rndrx rockets. And that is that. That's the reindeer X rocket. I'm

trying to incorporate the mythos into the new show. I love this. Yes. Yeah. You got to incorporate the old with the new baby. That's what this is all about in this ever changing world in which we live in. Okay. Like in a shitty, like modern Wizard of Oz, they would call the teleporter like, this is the wizard. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, just hop on the twister. That's not what we're calling it, Steve. Like that kind of thing. Should we do some advice? Yeah. What the fuck is this show? Yeah. What is this show about? Are we doing it? Is this it? Here's good news. 13 minutes down the toilet. My friends got married in Vegas a few months ago and are having a party because their families are forcing them to celebrate their nuptials. They insist on not

getting them a gift, but all my other friends are getting them gifts anyway. Should I honor their requests or should I just get them a gift so I don't look like a cheapskate? That's from Giffless in the Great Lakes state. You know what I'm going to notice. I mean, you're going to notice and you have a perfect excuse for not doing it. I'm not going to say they don't notice people getting them gifts. I'm saying they won't notice someone not getting them a gift. Well, you know what? The big hiccup is here. Like when people get married, there's a reason you register for shit so people don't all get you like six blenders when you already own a blender. Like, so I get these people who are like, we already have too much stuff. Like when we did ours, we mostly were

like, please just like give money to our like honey funds so we can pay for our honeymoon. So maybe what you want to do is like a gift card that says like, hey, I care about you. Use this whenever you want to get whatever you want. I think a gift card, like rarely do I advocate the gift card because the gift card says, well, the gift card says, I couldn't think I don't know you well enough to have gotten you something myself, but here you go. But I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to say like, hey, I didn't get you something. I got you the opportunity for you to get you something. I don't enjoy gift card gifts, nor I feel like they're giving me a chore. They, every gift card should say, hey, bad news, you've got to go to see your

something. It should come floating. Each gift, each gift card should come floating in a single size serving like a water balloon full of gasoline. And for me, I would need diesel. And I would have that and they'd be like, this is you pop this in your tank, you explode this right in your tank. And you get the amount of fuel that you need to drive to Lowe's and back. He will spend the gift card floating inside the diesel at Lowe's. Now they're going to smell the gift card and they are not going to want to take it. Also, the paint's going to come completely off of it because diesel, she's a, she's a hungry fluid. You have not given me a gift card to Sears. What you've given me is a year of buying things at other stores and then on the drive home thinking,

ah, damn, I should have got this at Sears. I got that gift card and everything. I should have gotten this at Sears. But yeah, the other side of the coin is they've also gotten you the joy of when you open a drawer and you find that gift card and you find that it hasn't expired and a pirate's booty. Well, yeah, the feeling of potential that arises off of a non-expired but forgotten gift card. He's like, oh my God, I could do anything with this. Have you guys ever done this, done the move where you find an unexpired gift card and you think you do the, all right bud, you're coming with me. Let's do this. And it goes in the wallet in like a prominent place. So I'm definitely going to get to an AMC theater very, very, in the very inner future.

You're a top slot here, Fred. Your perseverance has paid off Lowe's gift card. My faves when you roll it to Lowe's, when you're like, ooh, ooh, ooh, I have a gift card. I mean, I'm going to buy this drill. And you buy it and you're like, sir, there's only 71 cents left on this gift card. And you're like, I know. What? Do I look like I'm made out of 71 cents? A bunch of them? Do it, do it, take it. Shit, I forgot. And the guy behind you who, the guy behind you who is made of several pennies and a couple nickels says, what's wrong with being made of 71 cents? And then the Skittles logo comes up and that's the end of the commercial. I'm doing my best back here. We're running off the rails. This Yahoo was sent in by Brooks Ogles B.

Thank you, Brooks. This is by Yahoo Answers user John, who asks, recurring nightmare, I am on a Nickelodeon game show. I have a recurring nightmare. I am on a children's game show, like you can't do that on television or guts or legends of the hidden temple. I always lose and sometimes drown in the green slime, Prince's Gak. Thanks, shithead. What was that stuff called? I am not a child, but all the other contestants are. I have been having these streams about five times a week for three months. I feel pretty happy in my life, so I'm not sure why I should be having these streams. They children are very mean and mocking and usually cheat to team up. Even with my adult

strength and size, they win, looking for some interpretations or advice on how to not have these streams anymore. I'm sick of them. Was you can't do that on television, a game show? Yeah, I don't think there was a competitive, there was not a competitive element. And I'm sorry, and just another point of water as long as we're getting pedantic. Gak and slime are two different things. Slime is not Gak and Gak is not slime. Gak was a much more non-Newtonian solid. No, if you drop that shit on a child, if you drop like a big bucket of Gak, they might actually die because a slower child probably couldn't dig their way out of that hardy thick cream. Yeah, but slime I think was just like water and flour and like

food coloring. And what? Sorry, Justin. You're saying what they dumped? They dumped Gak on Rosie O'Donnell. They dumped slime on Rosie O'Donnell annually at the Kids' Choice Awards. You're telling me that Rosie O'Donnell walked away, she strolled back down that red carpet back to her limo at the end of each night smelling like Nickelodeon slime farts. And then agreed to come back the next year. And then would come back next year if she liked it. What I'm saying is the farts were in it. Now here's my question. If you guys could get every night virtually transported to the set of your favorite Nickelodeon game show and the only price you had to pay with some gentle mocking from children, wouldn't that

be worth it? I would love to be transported to the set of Double Dare, for example. Let's do this. What's your favorite? It's not favorite. It's not favorite. It can't just be favorite. It has to be which one you think you would own bones at. And for me, it's Legends of the Hidden Temple. Because that show was about a big statue face that would be like, the princess's chambers had three statues. How many statues do the princess's chamber have in it? Yes, Jiffy. Two. No, not two. I'm a giant face. I'm a giant face cleft from stone. You should really be listening to what I'm saying. What else are you paying attention? What could possibly be more interesting in the room than me? Have you noticed that phenomenon if you watch old Nick

game shows? About half the kids do seem pretty distracted a lot of the time. Like, oh, what? Yeah. I do think it's a legit fear, though, because I bet that you did not get very good explanations of the rules. Like, think about how well you understood, like, so I have to dig between the two giant waffles and find a flag. Yeah, whatever kid, get out there. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it. That's like the Santa Claus from a Christmas story just kicking you back down the slide. Yeah. Yeah. Go get them. Go find the flags. That's why I have to time on legends at the very end. The big stone face is like, all right, you're gonna go through the jungle, kick over the third tombstone, climb down under that tombstone,

jump in the second hole. You're gonna want to climb that rope and then turn right and then you're gonna press a button to open up the secret door to the shrine of the silver monkey. And then you're gonna put that shit together backwards in reverse order and then go back the way you came but turn left at the jungle and finally you'll find yourself in the scarabs hiding place. You got all that? Go nuts and they forget room one. They get to the jungle like, well, fuck, that was way too much, too fast. I would bet money that at every recording of Legends of the Hidden Temple, a shadowy figure like Slughorn from Willy Wonka would like sneak into the kid's dressing room and be like, I'll give you a hundred dollars if you forget how to

put together a monkey. Because like, what are the odds that like every kid comes in and is like, wait, where'd the feet go? God damn. Oh, shit. The head in the middle. I don't even, like they had to be doing like, I don't even know that hundred dollars is going to spend so good. Yeah, way better than a Casio keyboard. Maybe this was happening all over. If you were a contestant on the Bozo Super Sunday show, a Slughorn type figure entered your dressing room said, hey, listen, if you take a big chokeski throwing a ping pong ball into the first bucket, I'll give you 20 bucks. You're not going to make it to the end anyway. What do you want them at except for? There's nothing. Mr. Slughorn, can I ask why? Why do you want us to perform poorly

in Bozo's games? Because every time a kid does well, it extends the link to the show and the cubbies are on later and I want to make sure I don't miss any of the game. You're saying the Bozo Super Clown Show was of a variable length and the same could be said of Legends? We're running long. Cubs games sure. Spiffin, you're out. Spiffin, you're not in this one. Sorry, bud. I've been working on my platespin. Why are all these voices that Ghost of Christmas passed from Scrooge? Do you not think that there was like, there have been, like Bozo is a, I agree with you that Bozo is a fixed length, but you know what's pretty rad is if you think about how long that show ran, there was probably a few days like, listen guys, we have seven minutes until the Cubs

game starts and we have nothing. We have nothing planned. You just have to go out there and clown or something. A pie? Is there something there? I haven't, I haven't done that since college. You can do this, Bozo. Oh, look at this, kids. I'm making a pile of whipped cream on the floor and then uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Oops, I stepped in it. Oops, I stepped in the whipped cream on the floor and we're out. Thanks for watching, everybody. He comes back and somebody drapes like a cape and like a thing of roses over his shoulders and he's like, I didn't know I could clown like that. I feel alive. Maybe I'll kiss my wife for the first time in 10 years. What if you did tune into Bozo and it was like 253 and you just saw a man in a clown costume just straying

in a circle singing the Sismiclounen song, come on a clowning, walk with me. Your favorite clown, Bozo, seven minutes of that. Watch how- Watch the silly way that a clown ties his shoes, rip, rip, rip, over and over, under and- Does somebody have a TV guide that I could read out loud? Uh, read us another question, yarn spinner. I'm a college student who is house hunting for the first time in my life. Previously, my parents chose which apartment I lived in, but now the reins are in the hands of my roommates and I. Fortunately, finding a house or apartment that's close to campus and within our budget is a lot more difficult than we were expecting. Any tips for house hunting in a city with an extremely overvalued housing market almost

homeless in Austin? Oh, Austin is expensive, isn't it Griffin? And it's not just expensive, it's like hunger game style competitiveness to get the house. We lost the house that we got. The house we got, we were the backup offer on and they beat the shit out of us. And it's not, I say beat the shit out of us. The only rule of that game is right up bigger number than the other people. But boy, howdy did they dunk, did we get dunked on. But hey, it all worked out in the end. It's rough, man. I can't imagine doing that as a student. Is it rough renting too? Is renting as bad? Oh yeah, dog. When we, the house we moved to this house from, the house we were renting before we owned this house, we were one of 11 applicants that they were considering. And

we had to like sit down and meet them. And then, you know, we wrote them a letter that was, that I made a tasteful new drawing of myself and attached that and just said whatever you want. And that helped to hurt. It, I mean, we got the place, didn't we? Well, I can say we just finished house hunting here in Los Angeles, where it is also quite expensive to live. And I, I mean, we had to go look at like 30 different places in two weeks. And every place we went to, there was like eight other people looking at it at the same time we were. And the key is like, just if you like it, apply right away. Like just get, you know, get your name in there as soon as you can, you know, check out as many places that you can, like have a variable budget. That helps a lot. If you can,

like, don't say, you got to keep them on high, you know, yeah, by those high, you got to liquidate your correct assets. You got to keep in mind that there's a billion other people like you who are doing the same thing. And if you think of the mindset of just like, how can I get around those people or beat those people? Like maybe you go a little bit, just a little bit outside the bubble, just a little bit outside where you're comfortable doing. And you'll find like a really, really nice spot or you get on Craigslist and you refresh that shit every 30 seconds. And you email the people in the place you want, goes up like instantly and maybe a drawing, a noodle doodle. What about this? Yes. Maybe expand your concept of what constitutes

a house quote unquote. Okay. To be continued. It's Perry White. So maybe an affordable cave or parking structure or someone else's garage. Yeah. Yeah, it's mini pizza boxes, mini pizza boxes, mini pizza boxes. I mean, what's your what should I put down? I want to invite you to our wedding. We're getting married in February. Very excited about it. What's your address? Oh, just write mini pizza boxes on an envelope and then give it to a bird. A bird, huh? Yeah, just wish we're a secret to the bees. Any bird will do because they'll smell these boxes. We did not. We were not diligent about cleansing them of sauces and the like. The de-cheesing solution that we bought at the family dollar was not as effective as it

had been promised to be. Super good. In fact, it just added a sort of bird attractive scent that is implacable. We have contacted Ralph Nader and the Better Business Bureau. And the Better Business Brewery, man, they whip up a fresh IPA. In all seriousness, what really helps is pick a neighborhood because things are getting a little bit too funny. Pick a neighborhood that you want to live in and just drive around and look for rent signs because if you go through a service or a website or something, you want to catch something that comes on the market quick. Like maybe it's like Predator. Like Predator. Like Predator. Let Justin, let Justin make jokes. He's bored of his question. Let Justin make jokes.

Go ahead, Justin. Catch something on the market that I just said like a predator. Like catch a predator. Okay. See, isn't that better? Aren't we all happier now? Are we having a good time now? I mean, except for like the three people that were trying to buy a house in Austin and were taking furious notes, but other than them, I think everyone's doing very well. Shoot us an email if you want to know my realtor. She's a man. She's a beast. She'd torch it apart for us. She's a bear. She's actually a living bear and not a dead bear.

Should we go to the money zone? Yeah, we've certainly earned it this time. You say that half the time. People obviously are consuming our product week in, week out, even if it's this time. I climbed into your fucking careening jet of a question and tried to pull up, pull up, pull up. I thought it's some catch a predator jokes. Just try to keep this ship float. Sorry. Is that a ship or a jet? Yeah. Sorry. I said, sorry. My metaphor's got mixed. Maybe if I had some more money, I wouldn't be so distracted. My metaphor's would be more on point. See. Confidence. Confidence. We got a new sponsor to kick things off this week. It's Club W.

So let me tell you how this works. It is a wine club. That's what the W stands for. People get together. They complain about stuff. It's better than that. There's no interacting with other people who like wine. You just go to clubw.com and answer six simple questions, and then they've got an algorithm that creates a palette profile just for you. And then they send the wine directly to your door, perfectly customized to match your taste. Here's the neat thing about that. I went through this process. It's kind of pointless for me who doesn't know a lot about wine to say, I want a Pinot Noir, I want a Pinot Grige, or I want some Chardonnay. I don't know what I want. I have no earthly idea.

Their questionnaire asks you things that you actually do have a reference point for. Stuff like how do you take your coffee? Do you like it creamier? Do you like it black? What kind of fruit pies do you enjoy? That kind of thing. Have you ever killed just for the fun of it? Yeah, sure. Have you ever killed just for the fun of it? And then it has some fun Monty Python joke references like that whole land speed of a swallow thing that's in there too. It's great. Is that a little bit of everything? That's not. But it is questions that you might actually have a reference point for even if you don't drink a lot of wine. They're leading the grape to glass wine revolution. And that is a fancy way of saying that they actually work with

the people who are making wine and they don't have a mill, man. Just like get it from those people and then they bring it to you. The labels look cool. What I like best about it is that the wine comes with an informational card that explains to you sort of like grapes are in it where it's from flavor profile, that kind of thing. So you can read the card and then if you have a party with people over, you can hide the card and just seem really smart about the wine. And not just that, let me say it like this sounds like one of those like super expensive of the month clubs, right? Where you're like, oh, I'd love to do a steak of the month club or whatever. And then it's like $50 a steak. This is like so reasonably like if I may, if I can let you in on a secret that you

would find by going to the website, it's like $13 a bottle. They have a no risk 100% guarantee they'll love it you send you. If you don't love it, they'll make it right. So don't even, don't even trip on it. Right now, Club W is offering MB&BA listeners 50% off your first order when you go to clubw.com slash my brother. That's clubw.com slash my brother to get 50% off your first order. If you have wanted to get more into wine, I cannot think of a better way of getting, getting your foot in the door. So they've allowed us to do the very first podcast version of the six questions that they ask to discern what your wine tastes are. So I can, do you guys want me to bounce it off you two? Yes, please. Yeah.

It's your birthday. Someone gives you a calf skin wallet. How do you react? Um, I probably stroke it awkwardly, but intensely and thank them. Oh shit. Sheer delight. Oh no. Well, okay. Good news. Travis is an android. Justin is not. Oh no. Well, I'll wait a minute. This is not in form of our wine. My brother. My brother means also supported in part this week by Harry's. They've got a limited edition holiday shaving set. Here's what it comes with. Copper plated razor handle. That's going to look good. A couple of five blade cartridges. That's going to feel good. Shaving cream. That's going to smell good and a cool travel kit to hold everything. That's going to taste good. Probably. Yeah. Hold on. You don't, don't eat the travel kit.

This is not us. I don't eat it. God, no, don't eat it. Just taste it a little. Oh, okay. That's fine. It's a good bag. Holiday shaving sets are all at different price points starting at 15 bucks. Harry's, you know them. You should definitely be getting your razors from them by now instead of buying them in a store for $400,000 a piece. Just go to Harry's. You can get it for cheap and as a special offer. You don't have to get an employee to come over because it's like under lock and key and there's an alarm on it. Oh, I hate that stuff. I'm not a criminal. I need to shave. Somebody's jangling something around in their hands. Thank you. It's a special offer right now. Harry's will give you $5 off your first order

with the code mybrother. You get free shipping for the holidays, although that ends on December 10th. That's H-A-R-R-Y-S.com and enter the code mybrother. We also are sponsored this week by MeUndies, a friend of the show at this point. There's lots of copy here that I'm going to read, but first let me say this. I am such a huge fan of MeUndies. They had, as part of their Black Friday weekend sale, 25% off dunk. I used that. I used that. Damn it. Teresa and I went under pants crazy. We each ordered six pairs because we love MeUndies. When those six pairs arrive, I'm throwing out six pairs of old shitty from the store underwear. Good. Well, not shitty, but you know what I mean. I'm so excited. You moved in them. I moved in them. Listen,

I'm an adult. I'm an adult, man. And I kept them. For reasons we dare not come to play. I kept them. MeUndies is dedicated to creating the world's most comfortable underwear. Every pair of MeUndies is made of micromodal fabric. MeUndies has a ton of different colors to choose from. It's the only place to find styles for both men and women and has a new signature design every month. Teresa and I got a couple matching pairs. It's fun. Do it if you're a couple. What's the end game? What's the end game there? Well, it's a secret that you share with your lover. All right. And you could match everybody. Everybody can match. Everybody can match. If you're in some kind of like polyamorous, you have eight lovers, get eight pairs. Everybody

can match. MeUndies also just launched a new boxer line. It's like wearing nothing at all, only better. And with the holidays around the corner, MeUndies makes the perfect gift. I agree with that completely. That's a good point. Yeah. You can go to meundies.com slash my brother. Right now, you get 20% off your first order, plus all orders in the U.S. and Canada always shipped for free. It's incredible underpants. I guess my question is what is Android need with underpants? Like what do you got to hide down there? Oh, no, it's smooth, but they're so comfortable. I don't even worry about my genitals. Right. But you don't have them. You just got a little battery pack or something. Oh, man. We have a personal spot. It's like a dig dog, though.

Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, colleague. Pack a, pack of a default down there. We also have a couple personal spots here. I would like to talk about before we talk about my smooth genitalia. No, I'm not smooth. They're shaped like a dig. It's still smooth. It can be shaped like a dig and still smooth. All right. Stop and read these questions. Who is this message for? It's for Andrew Johnson. Who is this message from? It's from. I like to think it's for everybody. Well, it's from Eleanor Haskin, but we'll say it's for everybody. Like the duct tape bandit, you've stolen my heart between the Mothman Festival and Disney World. I guess we fell in love, but I still know no one could wish you a better birthday than your favorite brothers. Yeah,

that was some tight ass West Virginia lore. Have we talked about? Oh, I forgot about the duct tape bandit. Yeah, we talked about Kasey Kasey and his perfect crime. No, I was thinking of the sticky bandits. I was way off. No, duct tape bandit was Kasey Kasey. He conducted the world's only perfect crime. Look it up, Google it. To this day, nobody knows his name. Yeah, I know his name because I was him for Halloween, and that was a good slash bad hurtful costume, hurtful to my face, duct tape wise. And we have another personal message. This one is for Matt Always Alone Jones, and it's from Sophie Wellfit Johnson. You wished me happy birthday. Well, I'm about two months late for yours, but baby,

I'm late. I'm not praying out, obviously sex is involved, but poo poo poo. I'm drunk. I can't really afford this. Love you. Can't wait to see you in November. Whoops. I hope you're less hideous than when last I saw you. Hashtag drunk versus God. Yes, we should have this is fucking all time. There should be standard. We should have some sort of some sort of maybe a breathalyzer or something. They are going to be. Oh man, I have no return on jumbo trunks, folks. Some sort of confirmation email and they're just driving in their car listening like, Whoa, this person sounds drunk. Whoever this was, I'm sure feel bad for them. Oh, man. Oh, man. God damn it. Definitely balling. I was I was about to say like, Yeah, we should make you like a tattoo parlor

where you come in. You can't get a tattoo of your drunk, except she used words on our show. So it's like she gave us a drunk tattoo. True. They make us say the words. Amazing. It was a tattoo parlor that where you came in drunk and then the tattoo artist had to give themselves whatever that you came up with. Can't do a Popeye, but just the bottom half. What? Okay. Do Popeye, but he's fighting a dragon. And the dragon is my mother. Yeah, but she's got Popeye's face. And it's like, what? Oh, no, I'll know. I'll get it. On underneath it in block letters. I want you to put radio head. But spell it Pearl Jam. And with Sanskrit.

I've sobered up by this point. Listen, I'm dead sober now, but I still I need I've been playing this tattoo for months. And it's for you again, just to restake again. I've looked at tattoo artists where I've been scoping your body out for months trying to think of the perfect tattoo. And I think what we've landed on, which is Popeye's bottom half fighting a dragon shape like my mother and then underneath that in Sanskrit radio had spelled Pearl Jam. I think that we've really split the uprights. Let's be honest, we live in a world with too much media. You need a podcast on the front lines, figuring out what's great. We're here for you. We're Pop Rocket. I am Guy Branham. I'm a comedian. I'm Wintern Mitchell. I call myself a digital

strategist. I'm Oliver Wang, academic and disc junkie. Margaret Woppler, J. Sweet as John Elise. And we watch, listen to and read everything so that you don't have to. And then we tell you about all the things that you'll love to love. Find us in iTunes or wherever you download podcasts. Pop Rocket, every Wednesday from MaximumThund.org. You guys want an yahoo? Yes. No. This yahoo was sent in by Rachel Rosen, formerly Rachel Sperling. The name done changed, but the game still recognizes the game. And it's still a gerund. I think she deserves a new moniker like Game Changer. Game Changer's fine, but I still like but recognize, I still think she wants the game recognized. Oh, Game Changer recognized, no,

Game Recognized Game Changer? Too much, too much, too much. It ain't broke, don't fix it. Rachel Rosen, Game Recognized Game. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Tertha, who asks, How do I make something look like an old man was saying it? What? I am writing a web novel. There is an old man there. I want to make his dialogue to seem like an old man was saying it. Give me some suggestions on how to tweak general dialogues to make it seem like an old man was saying them. So it's NaNoWriMo for the next, when this comes out, 14 hours. How do you write a book? I don't read a lot of books. I mainly just, you know, play Bloodborne all day. So like in a book, if there's an old man in a book, and I know there's

not a lot, how do you, how do the writers of the book make it, like when you're reading it, how do the writers make it, like when you're reading it, you'd be like, oh, that's an old person saying that. Well, I know, okay. So the one thing I know about old people speak, old speak, is they talk real slow, right? They talk like they got nowhere to be. So maybe one word per page. That's too, that's probably, I'm going to go ahead and stop right there. A publisher probably won't approve that just because price wise. How about one word per line? Is better. Meet me in the middle. Two words per page, two words per page, I guess would be meaning in the middle. All right. Still there, all right. I feel like I won this negotiation. Yeah, shit.

How do you make it look like an old man was saying it? Can you make the, oh, can you make the pages where the old man has dialogue in it smell like an older man? Nice. So the book like old man in the sea, they would not even put down in library shelves anymore, or they would put it in a special room that was, you know, hermetically sealed. Wait, because it smells like an old man and the sea? Well, no, it only smelled like an old man, but I imagine there'd be a lot of books that are like old man just all over them. Most Dickens books I imagine would be like, oh, welcome to the Dickens room. Yeah, it's, it smells like the Dickens. Oh man. Yeah, it's not great. It's not great. You just saw like a tiny spider webs between the double L's and the double R's and stuff.

I like that. What about E.E. Cummings? You make the words in the shape of an old man. Like the prose. It's gonna take some doing. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. What do you make it like those greeting cards that play music? And just every time you open to a page where it has old man dialogue on it, that auto plays like just a general moan from an old man like you open, you turn to page 61 and it's just like, and then you know. Make it write a program perhaps in Cubasec or some other sort of software where every five words it would just insert open bracket cough close bracket. Just every five words or so just insert a cough in there because he's coughing. He's old. That works for me. And the webs thing too. What about like just all in caps? Why for that? Well,

he's an angry old man. It's specific to an angry old man. Yeah, but I mean, even when older folks get angry, they're still older and they're like, throats don't work as good. So they can't get. What about all in caps with a smaller font? That's working for me. Gonna lose a little bit of that spider web effect though, I think. I think I'm really just sort of stuck on this idea of stinky books, gang. I guess you really want to introduce that. The problem is I've seen, I feel like it's a slippery slope. Okay, where do you stop when you do like the sun also rises and you turn to a page and it smells like a bullfight, right? Like where do you stop? Where do you draw the line? Where's the line drawn for stinky books? I need to back up for me

because for the first time in literally 13 years, I actually wanted to read a book. What you just described for me is a sensory experience that I would love to have. Yeah, we're talking about 4D books, fellas. This is it. And the 4D stands for smell. Yeah, this is our legacy. The dimension of smell. Listen, I saw Pagemaster when I was a little kid. And those books came to life. It's probably caulking on it. What's that? That smell. No, the movie didn't have it. It was not a 4D presentation. You didn't see it in Sense Around? No, you're getting, no, both of you are getting confused about a lot of things. That doesn't sound like us at all. I saw Pagemaster when I was a little boy and I was like, I want that Whoopi Goldberg becomes a

romance novel or some shit. That's not how that movie happened. I don't think there was a romance novel character that was like, yeah, his dick. Also Whoopi Goldberg wasn't transformed into a romance novel. Yeah, Necromancer did it too. We watched the movie. Anyway, I've never had an experience like that where a book came to life and took me with it to somewhere away from the library. And my mom came back was like, where did Griffin go? Books took him away again. Yeah, damn it. I want that though. And I feel like smell is going to get me there. Yeah, it's like a whole world. My fucking eyes and brain and reading comprehension certainly have not done it yet. Let's get my nose in the mix. That would be a rough temptation though. If you're an author who's

cranking out a lot of books like your Stephen King's or whatever, there would be a temptation to maybe lean on this new technology of it. Listen, I don't know how to spice this story up. We're just going to have to let the smell take it from here. Get our best smell guy on this one. See if he could punch it up a bit because I got nothing. I got no closer. I got no act three. Got no day to moan or rising action. You're putting in too much effort into it and authoring new works. I'm saying we're going to return to classics. I mean, he's with this. 4D Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? I think when Roald Dahl wrote that shit, he was like, this is going to be perfect. Sticky boy, come with me.

Like he wrote that in a fever dream waiting for 4D technology and here I am. But Griffin, what about like, wait, you're so excited because you get to like your favorite book, Three Musketeers. You get to read it in 4D for the first time and you open up and I'm like, oh shit, everything in France and England smells like shit all the time. Why are you only thinking about the bad stuff? Sticky boy, come with me to my book of pure candy smeltation. This whole book smells like oompa loompas. You're thinking of the worst part of it. Chocolate boy, come to town, smell my book and then take it to daddy. One really sad thing is that Roald Dahl thought this technology already existed. So every time

we'd watch him and read one of his books for the first time, he'd just sort of raise his eyebrows and expectation every few pages like that. Tell me about the snozzberries. Roald, your book is a masterpiece. You don't even fucking get it yet. You're not even reading it right yet. Living it. I've been wondering why all the Roald Dahl books I have have a smell disc sleeve right near the jacket. Apparently, he's just future proofing them. Sticky boy, that's yeah, that's gonna be caught in my head. That face all you came up with. Yeah, like we can move on to another question but like while we talk about like, you know, somebody's shitty roommate or something, I'm just going to be thinking of how this 40 technology could completely change the

landscape of book technology. I don't want to muddy the waters by talking about this in movies but for some reason, I've always like had a really intense fear of the scene in Wonka where Gene Wilder gets really angry at me. Yeah. Charlie? Well, it feels that way, doesn't it? And I always get this really intense fear about that scene and I just wanted to mention that like, I'm glad this technology doesn't exist for that because I bet that kid between like angry, heavily acting Gene Wilder and some old suits that they definitely rented from like a funeral parlor or something and like the sets and all the like candy that he has like under his fingernails and stuff. I bet there was like some intense smell action going on for young Charlie Buck at that

day. I bet he did not have to put too much energy into crafting a performance. I doubt Charlie Bucket was a was a shower a day kid. Yeah. I'm about to say, you know, Grandpa Joe has just climbed out of his bed of filth for the first, his bed of filth and by the way lies, he's been fined this whole time. Yeah. Can't talk again about the lies that is grandpa Joe. Okay, but like and he smells bad. I do want to say you're talking about 40 Charlie and the scene you brought up was the scene where Gene Wilder gets mad at some children in a tunnel and not a scene where a little boy and an old man burp on each other for 45 minutes. Don't want to talk about that stink. An old man who we've already been told has been fed nothing but cabbage for like a year. Oh my

God. He's the worst. He's the human embodiment of a fart. Yeah, he's a nightmare. I hate his guts. Everything about grandpa Joe is for it. I hope I wish he would have gotten chopped up in that fan. When he left, I guarantee grandma Josephine and the two other old people in the same bed were like, we can all agree we hate him the most, right? Like, we're so fucking glad he's gone. Yeah. I hope he dies in a fan doll's original title for Charlie the chocolate factory was said cabbage boy praise for death. It's the original thing. He wanted to call it. Sad cabbage boys candy contest. And when did the asterix fix this in editing?

No two self think of better title. Sad cabbage boys lucky draw versus candy king was the original. Also fat kid there stuck in tube? Question mark? Not sure. Blueberry girl goes to juice party was the original name. Very erotic. Very erotic. Very different book. Oh man, I think we should just shut her dad. Yeah, let's wrap it up. My name is just Mac Roy. Nope, we're gonna talk about advice podcast. I got an exciting announcement. If you are a maximum fun drive donor, and you have that link to all of the max fun drive bonus episodes, I'm dropping a lot of knowledge on people. Maybe I should back up. Hi, folks, this is me,

Griffin McRoy from my brother and my brother and me in the adventure zone and tell death to us blart more on that later. We are a listener supported network of podcasts, maximum fun. We talk about them every week. There's a lot of really amazing shows on the network. You'll probably hear some new promos because we just did new promos for all the shows on the network. You'll probably hear some of those on our show. If you hear something, it sounds good, by all means go listen to it. It's all free. It's all really great. That's thanks to you because we are a listener supported network. We get donations every March is when we do a max fun drive. People like you support us and we're very, very grateful. We always do really nice rewards

for folks who are new donors during that max fun drive. One of those bonuses is bonus episodes of our show. We've talked about this for a while and they actually recorded it a month or so ago, but we finally did my sister, my sister and me. By we, our wives, Sidney, Teresa and Rachel. I just finished editing it and it'll be up this week. It's very, very funny. If you're a max fun drive donor, you'll already have the link. Enjoy that content. If you want to get on board, you can go to maxfunfund.org slash donate and find out how. I have also been told, and this is from the adventure zone. Don't hold me to this because stuff changes, but when last I was told, I was told that there's going to be some adventure zone merch

up today, Monday, when you hear this. If not today, it'll be up soon. Some t-shirts, one of my favorite things. There's a whiteboard character sheet designed for us by the guy who did our post Justin Gray. You can write on it and then erase it whenever you need to. That's really cool. It's an amazing thing. I'm a huge fan of the idea. Did the Bureau of Balance thing go up? I'm not sure if everything's going up all at once or if it's being released as they get it done, but if you go to maxfunstore.com, you'll find it. Not only that, we have a ton of other merch on

there, some other, my brother, my brother and me, some Sawbones merch. There's a bunch of other stuff on there. Go check it out, especially with the holidays coming up. Just throwing that out there. Also, we've got our candle night show coming up Monday, December 21st. It's our annual holiday spectacular, Pan Religious, Pan Sexual, Personal Pan Holiday for everybody. No cursing, so it's good for everybody. Bring your grandma, bring your kids, nieces, nephews, whatever. We're going to try to keep it PG. Maybe not like a six-year-old. Are you kidding me, PG? PG-13?

Yeah, bro. There's still mature ideas. There's going to be some mature ideas like taxes and stuff, but come to it. If you're interested and you want to get tickets, go to bit.ly forward slash candle night two. Make sure you put the two in there because candle nights was last year and those tickets aren't available anymore unless you got a time machine. It's in Huntington, West Virginia. It's only 20 bucks and it's going to be super fun in our hometown, all of us together. We really want to see you there. Thanks again to meundies who are dedicated to offering the most comfortable underwear. If you go to meundies.com slash my brother, you can get 20% off your first order. Also, do want to mention

we have another podcast, a new podcast called Tell Death to Us Blart. It's an annual podcast that came out last week. Justin, you want to tell us about it? Yeah, it is a podcast that will last forever. It's released every year on Thursday, but the one that is Thanksgiving only. It's released every year and it will be forever, forever and ever and ever. Right now, it's us and the guys from the rest of the year of all time when one of us beef set will change hosts. I've already announced that when I died, my nomination was to be replaced by Stuart Wellington of the Flop House. I feel like he and I vibe really well. Who did you say, Justin?

I want Lindy West. She's really funny. I think I'm going to do Nora Jones. Well, it might be a tough game, but who knows where we'll be in seven years. It's once a fucking year. You think Nora could help me out once a fucking year, Nora Jones? You can check that out at tilldeath2usblart.com or you can go on iTunes tilldeath2usblart. I wanted to mention if you are a longtime fan of My Brother My Brother Me, you probably remember a guy named Rahi Horror who did some mixtapes for My Brother My Brother Me. Well, big, big, big news. He's coming back for, I think, what is the fourth mixtape, but you can find out for yourself because if you go to, he's on Twitter at HellhousePod. If you want to find the appropriate

links and what have you, he's going to start dropping the old mixtapes, the former My Brother My Brother Me mixtapes, which are like our show mixed with club bangers. It's a really sublime combination and he's got a new one coming out that you'll want to subscribe for. So just go to go search for the HellhousePodcast series on iTunes or follow him at worshipdisguire, at HellhousePod, on Twitter. And you'll be, you'll be. Thanks to Sean Rodgers for the long winters who used to serve a theme song instead of Parcher, off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a really terrific album. You can get it on vinyl if you want to get that for somebody for the holidays. I'm a bim-bam fan or just a fan of

good music. That's a good gift. And you guys want that final yahoo? Are we done? Yes, please. Oh, super quick. To the PO box, I got a gift for you boys that I can give you when you come in for candle lights. I also have, I received a beautiful gift, which is a Blu-ray copy of Men at Work that I now own. That comes from Joe. Dr. G sent us each a book called Second Quest for us to enjoy. And then I have a birthday present for Griffin. Sounds about right. Also from Joe. I don't know why you sent it to me and Griffin, but maybe they're also for Travis to share. I can't help you. That's from Joe also. So thanks. And real quick before I forget on the PO box front, I am moving. I am in the process of moving. I've just moved and I will

be switching to a new PO box address. For right now, the old one is still active until the end of January. So if you've already sent something, don't worry. Travis, you're going to get shitted on that for the rest of your life. Why? Because people are going to say, old episodes of podcasts would be like, yeah. That's why I'm keeping it active, but I am going to set up a new one and slowly transition over to the new one. So just, I'll get, once I get the new address, I will let everyone know on Twitter and Facebook and on the podcast and everything. So just hold off sending anything until then. Finally, Yahoo. Okay. Just send him by Ira Ray.

Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? It's by Yahoo Answers User. Sorry, something has gone wrong. Let's bump it down to Melanie. Melanie asks, don't you hate people who think Barney and Fred are from fruity pebbles? They're from Flintstones, you idiots. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad's skull. Where are the lips? Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

We're Dave and Graham and we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. We started this podcast back in 2008 before podcasts had to have any kind of concept, so we don't really know how to describe it. It's kind of like going to the barber shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show, Elf. It's like a 90 minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person. It's like the monsters of metal tour. Only quieter, no music, and just talking. It's like a make-out session, but without the lips touching they just talk a lot. Download Stop Podcasting Yourself from iTunes or Maximumfun.org.