My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 295: Goofbusters II

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

It's the second week of the MaxFunDrive, and our second week of reviving some of your favorite classic bits from MBMBaMs past. One small problem: We kind of ran out of bits. We're getting more conceptual this time around, meaning: It's time for some serious pony chat. Suggested talking points: MBMBaMily Reunion, Octonutting, Horse Talk!, More Farm Wisdom, Gold Encryption, Baby Mommy, My Very Tall Wife, Bucket List Moonwalk, Barefoot Office, 16' Doll Wife

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? I also request Mubin family reunion. I'll do anything to avoid that name. Mubin family reunion. Oh, look at that. It's Uncle Stuart. Hi, Stu. Hey, it's great to speak to you. You want to play some baggows? Why are you doing this hilarious joke? What are baggows, Uncle Stuart? What are baggows?

Oh my god, is this the show? We're in it. You might call it cornhole. Oh man, Uncle Stuart, I don't know about that. That's not good. It won't be a good joke. Have a bud lime. That does sound like little Stewie. I'm his brother Brewer. Guys, wait, instead of Mubin family reunion, we could do Mumbin family guy. And then like, yeah, same Stewie. Hi, it's me, Brian. I am the one they call Cragmire. Hi, welcome to my brother and my brother and me family guy reunion. What's your favorite family guy?

We're looking back all our fame. We were going to break. Okay, since Max Fudge ever we're going to break. I don't know where to start. I'm so excited. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm your oldest brother. Let's start there. I'm your middle of his brother Travis McRoy. I'm, oh my god, I'm Stewie, quote unquote, Griffin. No, wait, the Stewie should be, I'm Griffin McRoy, the baby brother. And the baby on the show is, the baby on the show is also named Stewie. It's maxfundrivemaximumfund.org. Go donate some money. Oh, not convinced? Check this impression out. Hey, it's me, Lois. I love you, Pina.

I'm the one known as Meg. Please donate to maximumfund.org. Can I even try? Can you not try? Okay, let me try. Let me try. Let me try. I'm Mila Kunis. That's actually pretty good, I thought. It's everybody's favorite joke from Family Guy. Mine's the one where he fights the chicken. Hey, this sucks. Should we start? Should we start over? No, what? Are you kidding me? This has all been hilarious. You're going to leave this gold on the cutting room floor? Yeah, you're going to leave the part where you said we should cut it on the cutting room floor?

How did we even get here? How did we even get to this point? Okay, so let's pull back to Curtin and talk about the evolution of a bit. This is goofbusters too, right? So we wanted to bring back our old bits, but we didn't have that many funny bits to start with and we kind of burned them all last week. So we thought, hey, we should bring back some of our beloved characters and Travis insists on calling it, I'm a bin family reunion. And I said, I would rather die. And then we started talking to the Family Guy. And then off, Mike, we had a good, maybe, what do you think,

45 minutes discussion on how important Family Guy was to us in our lives? Yep. How it changed everything, changed the game. And then when we came back from break or not doing the show, Griffin wasn't earnest in his love for family guy anymore. Now it's all about jokey, jokey, haha. Some snidely whiplash stuff he's throwing out at Seth Farland. Seth, make Farland. I don't know what to say. I guess I'm more of an anime guy now. Let's talk about the Max Fun Drive, which is a pledge drive for money that we haven't earned yet. We're going to get there. I knew Justin was going to say that,

so I tried. I don't know if this is good yet. We'll get there though. You know what? Get good. Polishes turned. That should be the slogan of this show, shouldn't it? It'll get good. Hang in there. You know, so often you just see the funny parts of a show. You don't see the parts where they're trying to make it funny. They're trying to will it into comedy. Anyway, it's Max Fun Drive time. This is the last week, your final chance to get on board, by which I mean you could donate to the Max Fun Fun community anytime you want. But this is the time where we want you to do it. And what we want, this is our way of the highway. We're the presidents of this podcast, listening experience. Anyway, what we do here is

we're a donor supported network at Max Fun Fun. We are part of a family of podcasts, something like what? There's like 24 to a couple dozen podcasts on the Max Fun Fun network. They're all great. They're all free. You can go to Maxfunfun.org to listen to them. But if you like what we do and you want to support us just based on like past episodes, maybe not this one, then you know, think about kicking in a few bucks a month. You can go to Maxfunfun.org slash donate and find out all the pledge gifts that you can get for donating. Just by joining in at the $5 a month lowest level that there is, you can get exclusive episodes of our podcasts and every other podcast on the network. That means extra

episodes of Sawbones, extra episodes of the Adventure Zone, extra episodes of Shmanners and Bunker Buddies. So yeah, we're going to be talking about it all throughout the show. But let's just get into a question. Griffin, did you say that $5 a month was the lowest level? Yeah. Like lowest Griffin tied it back. That's good. No, it's very organic. It's natural. We've really fallen into a quagmire fairly early. Fuck off. Read a question. I hate this show. I hate being a part of this show as soon as

the fun drive is over. You sounded pretty stewy, Griffin. That doesn't even fucking mean anything. I can't wait until this pledge drive is over so I can quit this fucking podcast with good conscience. The family guy, wouldn't it be funny? Guess what city our first question is from? Cleveland. It's not though. Guys, the Skype call dropped off. I can't hear you laughing. The Skype call dropped off. It looks like it's actually from Seattle, which I don't even know. You know the music.

Can we do Frasier instead, please? Oh yeah, run it back, run it back, run it back. It's a mafrim family for Frasier, for union. Rebound the podcast at the beginning and then it'll be about Frasier this time. Listener. Choose your own shitty adventure. Both adventures are going to be completely devoid of comedic value. But if you listen to them at the same time, maybe they'll sync up. I'm a pedestrian in a very populated city.

Fairly not very populated. This isn't fucking fern gully. Read good, read better. We need to earn this. We need to holler for these dollars because right now we are mumbling for them. We're mumbling for these jumblings and we need to holler for these dollars. All right, got it. I'm a pedestrian in a fairly populated city and I've recently encountered a new phenomenon. It's fairies. It's fairies everywhere. It's crazy.

Can you believe it? Tim Curry's a bat. It's bonkers. When cars are waiting to pull into garages or parking lots, I like to wait and gesture to let them by since it's faster and safer for general traffic. Recently, however, cars have been honking at me and angrily waving their hands to get me to cross my section of sidewalk. That's from Nancy Sinatra in Seattle. Whoa. Not so much yet.

First off. Yeah. Not so much a question in the traditional sense. Yeah. Not really. Travis, did you edit up the question part of that question? I don't think so. I think there's just an implied what should I do. I mean, this is the same phenomenon of you're walking down a hallway and another person's walking towards you and you go left and they go left and you go right and they go right.

Except if the other person weighed like one and a half metric tons and was made of steel and combustible fluid. So if you ever did that with Robocop. Yeah. I think the problem here is that cars are equipped with a horn and humans are not. That is. Yeah. Well, I mean, but I take away from this that we need human horns.

Don't even get me started on fucking my whole great job theory again. But I would argue that humans are just busters. It's back. It's back. There's one friend of the family. I would. I would argue that humans are actually equipped with an infinite number of horns, which is to say our brains and our voices and stuff.

Right. You know what I mean? Well, yeah. Well, so they must have more now when somebody honks at you to like cross the sidewalk quicker. Okay. I would go, no, you go. And if I yell loud enough, then it's kind of like a car horn. I feel like the cars should have the right away. Like why are they? They're big and I am little.

Well, no, pedestrians almost always have the right away, but I totally feel what you're saying, Travis. I think I think an easier law to sort of comprehend a more universal law would be the heavier thing gets to go first. Because if we go at the same time, they are having a lot of damage to me. I am not doing a lot of damage to them. Which ever thing could kick the, I'm at a much higher risk. Whichever thing could kick the other things ass.

That's you went like you went. If you're in a big old fucking Ford truck, fucking Hemi engine, big old chrome tires and with like the truck nuts hanging off the back. Fucking too big. Like custom made truck nuts, because the ones that they sell sold the auto zone, like weren't big and fucking nutty enough for you. Did your own fucking custom made huge old.

Maybe you got two on the back, two on the front and two on each side. Oh, you got a basically a little, like a been heard chariot of truck nuts. Just octo nutting everywhere you go. Just octo in all over the spot. I forgot what we were talking about, because I started getting bonered up for his cool old truck. I had a driver's ed teacher I've talked about before. He was the, he was the dude that showed us Mr. Holland's Opus,

because he kind of looked like Richard Dreyfus. That was his metric for educational like content. Yeah, he said like you have to check. Like this is what this dude is so great at teaching. You say you have to check this out. I look just like this fool. And he didn't fast forward to that party. He's like, you know, you won't appreciate it.

At least just watch the whole film. So which is pretty great, like pretty cool. But he, the, the driver's ed lesson that I remember most from that class, is he said, you pull up to a four way intersection, and you and a semi truck get to the intersection at roughly the same time. And that truck is on your left who has the right away. And I started to think about it. And he said, you thought too long is the semi truck.

If, if you go and he hits you, you die and his day is ruined. You go ahead and let him go. And I was like, yeah, that's true. Just like always let the big thing go ahead. I don't like that. That implies that he would only be haunted by causing your death for one day. The next day he'd wake up. I'm like, you know what?

I'm not worried about it. Well truck drivers are, they're in a moral lot. I mean, most, most, most of them. And I don't want to cast this person because I'm sure we have a bunch of, bunch of fucking highwaymen. Can you hear some from our trucker listeners? I know. There's gotta be some out there, right?

That should be our new thing. Like let's get into that life. Is that a life? They're hauling across this great country of ours. A bunch of long, a bunch of, a bunch of highwaymen and women listening to the show. I don't want to, I don't want to throw shade on them, but most of them are in a sort of hitcher situation. Are you a lover?

Yeah. Because you're just constantly crossing the straight lines. You're in international waters basically all the time. Anyway, I think that we just didn't do this at all because this person does try to give cars the right way, but cars are like fighting back. Maybe they're thinking they're getting catfished. So the car's like, no, I've been in this insurance scam before

and you tell me to go, I go, you go out. I hit you. Oops a daisy. You just made $35,000 off of me. I'm not doing it. I love that the cars jump to anger. Like I tried to let you go and you didn't do it and now I hate you. That's so funny to me.

Instead of just that play, you're like, no, I insist. You, you go. Yeah, but you have to have, but think about it like if you're inside a car, you do have to have a somewhat like heightened response because otherwise it's like, what is that guy doing? Is he talking to someone on his Bluetooth? I don't understand. This is why you just need a series of like Wiley Coyote signs that are like,

I insist that you go please. Hey, I'm letting you go. Let's bust a goof in this Yahoo. Okay. And it was. Just bust a goof. It was sent in. It was sent in.

Okay, it was sent in. You want it, baby. Just bust a goof. Okay, now go. Oh, no mission. Guys like this. Thank you. Marina Baker who sent this in.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Monica is the best. Nice. Nice. Monica is the best. I didn't feel like my quick sidebar about Monica. I feel like she maybe is feeling, is dealing with some really crazy issues. Like she has to reinforce her bestness everywhere even

and including like her Yahoo Answers profile. Oh, her answer game is strong though because her question is this. How do you politely refuse to let someone ride your horse? Let's tap into that horse vein. I want to follow. We got to take that long ass data needle from the matrix, lie back in our cool ass recliners and have Samuel Fishburne. That's not his name, but let's have him jack us in.

We're in all the horses. Come with me, Joey Pants. Let's ride this horse together. There is no horse. Whoa, that's sad. No, there's millions of horses. Wait, so there's either no horse or two anymore. This is the scene where there's like fucking an infinite library of like

gun racks comes flying at us, but they're all full of horses. And these horses are freaking the fuck out. Can you even imagine? Imagine the noise. Everybody stop and imagine the noise. Now imagine the smell. Bring in the noise, bring in the smell. How do you politely refuse to let someone ride your horse?

You blame it on the aura, baby. I have a friend. Wait, oh, oh, wait. Hold on, Travis, sit on that. Say it as soon as Griffin's done because I don't want that to get passed by. It's amazing. Finish the question. I have a quote unquote friend from school who is extremely full of herself

and thinks she is a wonderful rider. She took lessons for a month, fell off on the second week, and is generally a bloody awful rider. She claims, sorry, a bloody awful rider. She claims to know everything and do everything and has asked to ride my horse. How do I politely refuse to let her ride? I don't want to make an enemies. And I've let other more responsible friends ride with me lunging them.

No idea what the fuck that means. Update, edit. It's not even so much that she doesn't know how to ride, that she is so irresponsible and does not treat the horse as well. She blames everything on them, flops and hits, and is not trustworthy. You gotta blame it on the aura, baby. Okay, so there's the aura line that we're all waiting for on pins and needles, and what does that mean, Travis?

Well, you say like, Mr. Floppington spoke to me in a dream and said that his energy and your energy were mixed well. I'm sorry. I just can't do this to him. He's like a son to me. The moon is in a waxing phase, and Mr. Butterballs, no, that's a terrible. Mr. Trucknuts. And holy shit.

Mr. Trucknuts. He went to medical school for seven years, please. Use is correct, honorific. I'm sorry, you have lupus. Damn it. It's kind of better now, though. Do you think that the word honorific was created by the first person to get one? Like the first person to put doctor at the further end,

they're like, this is really good. You know what? It's honorific. I'm so proud of me. What a great job I did at being the first doctor. I'm hippocrates. Wait until halfway on and then push them off and be like, today's not your day, but don't let them know that you did.

You train the horse to do that thing where you usually see it with people being a jerk in a car, but as the person is about to get on the horse takes one step forward and just keeps doing that until the person gets frustrated and gives up. That's another good thing. Yeah, anything you can do to sort of put the social blame on the horse and not you is going to be good. It's just going to be, how do you tell your horse to only do that to this horrible person and not to say you? You got to blame it on the aura.

Okay, horses don't understand what an aura is. What the fuck, you, they don't. Yeah, you're right. I said it and then I immediately knew I was wrong. I got it. I got it. Oh, boy. I know where this is going immediately.

Roll up. Wait a minute. Let me put some jam up in it. Just put some jelly on your horse. No, hold on because see, you definitely said in. And I don't think Dr. Trattle, that's like in the saddle area. Oh, okay. Okay.

Right. So yeah, you just put some jelly on the horse's saddle and he is, and on like, you know, the, they call it a saddle Narbonne. It's the front thing that's on the front of the saddle to hold on to. Is that really what it's called? Yeah, saddle Narbonne. And Narbonne or Narbonne? It depends on what area you're in of the country.

Yeah, it's a regional thing like soda, popper, Coca-Cola. Or probiscus. Or probiscus or proboscis. It's a different strokes for different horses. And you put some jelly on that and just put some jelly on the saddle. And then when the person goes to hop up on your horse, they're going to put one hand on that and think the horse has some secretions that need to be dealt with emergently. Saddle, saddle word secretions.

It's, his saddle is bleeding. It's oozing exclusively from the saddle. See, I want to actually backped a little bit and I do want to talk about the possibility of putting some jam up in it. I'm talking about creating some sort of equine jaffa cake situation. Because that is going to make the horse very sick. And that horse is just not going to feel like riding that particular day. So every time that, you know, Marcy comes over and is like, let me get up on that.

You're like, yeah, sure. Let me just take them in the stable. It's oats time. It's oats o'clock. But then it's actually, it's fucking jam o'clock. What about an elaborate ocean to like, you bring Marcy to just like an empty stable? And you're like, what? Oh, no.

Someone's stolen Dr. Trucknuts. And then you put, when they do find him, he's got jelly. I mean, he's got jelly on him when you find him. Okay, sounds like you kind of. We have plans on plans on plans. What if you try to put so much jelly into your horse, but instead of making it really sick, he just fucking loves it. And then you're left with like one of the most terrifying things in nature,

which is a horse addicted from, like addicted to a bobble from the world of man. What does the fucking jam make him super fast? Yeah, it makes him super fast, but he's like, bring me the gelatinous ambrosia. Somebody put jelly on the sea biscuit and now he's super fast. It's, we all have an ethical responsibility to make sure that horses don't get too comfortable in the man world. Because once they do, like they're, it's kind of like a Skynet situation, right? Like in our studies with AI, frankly, Google, you're towing a fucking fine line.

You're on thin ice with your go bot. I'm worried that we could get that with a horse though, like really easily. It would just tip over and then like, that's it. We're all, we're all horses now. I'm like, I'm sorry, but you have already just described orb. Basically, that's all. Yeah, that's true. He is a horse that's too interested in the things of man and can no longer return to the

equestral plane. That's right. Somebody, somebody wins the triple crown. And by somebody, I mean a horse and they must, and they immediately, immediately like, congratulations, you got three trophies. Like you can't, you can't, you're too big, too strong. You must be destroyed. Not too big, too strong, too beloved.

Are you kidding me? A fucking American Pharaoh like walks down that, that victory lane with a wreath around its neck and just like everybody's just handing it big fucking fistfuls of jam. Like that's it. That's it. That's it. He's going to evolve into like Rapidash and then that's it. We're done.

I bet your horses are very petty by which I mean, I bet if you win a big horse. Justin, you said pretty, you said pretty wrong. Oh, sorry. No, I literally mean petty. I bet like if a horse wins a huge race, like the Kentucky one, then they spend the rest of the day following their jockey around waiting to hear him say, Hey, I won. Cause then it's like, did you, did you win? Cause I, I remember running very fast, faster than all the other horses in a circle.

So you want, I remember you fucking chilling and flipping through your iPod nano looking for a Jodicy track. You haven't heard in a while. We could, we could figure this thing right out right now. If you just want to do a quick foot race, let's get to the bottom of this, which is a quick friendly foot race. What do you say? Do you know, side note, I just found this out the other day when a horse studs, like when

there's like a champion race horse dude and he goes to a farm to stud, it can be like $75,000 for like one mating. For one nut. For one nut. What if the net don't take? Well, for Dr. Trucknuts, it always takes. That's a, that's no problem for me, my man. Let's just leave it at that.

How do you think he got his name? I mean, but you gotta, you gotta imagine Travis, like you're talking about, they are paying for one night with the world's best horse. Uh huh. That's like, that seems like actually 75K actually seems like pretty low. Like, yeah, you're getting that good seed, whatever. You're going to get that good cone, but you're also, we're bleeding a little bit into farm wisdom here, but you're, I mean, but we're also like talking about like one night with

the best, biggest, most badass, most perfect, most like popular, most famous, most successful horse. Like there, I think there are plenty of people that would pay 75 large to bone down with like, what? Like Clooney? That's actually 75 Gs. That's like nothing. Like Robert Redford paid, offered Woody Harrelson a milo. To sleep with Woody Harrelson.

To sleep with Woody Harrelson. In real life. And then they were like, we, you know, we should make a film together. Or they were like, and cut. And then Redford was like, so what do you, what do you think? Oh man, I thought that was just play acting. I thought this, we were just doing a play acting thing. No, I want to, I want to squish that.

Robert. Justin. Yeah. Would you give me a farm wisdom theme song, please? I have something I'd like to share with the folks. Oh, I have one too. Okay. We'll do about it.

Farm wisdom, farm wisdom, plant some seeds to grow some weeds, farm wisdom. I liked it. Um, when horses are like being prepared for mating, they bring out like a prepper due to horse and they like put his wiener in a bag and tie it up to his stomach and let him get the female like all rare and to go with like all the foreplay and stuff. And then they bring the stud horse in. They've covered his hooves with silken gloves. So he does not damage the female horse.

He comes in at the last minute, does the thing and then leaves. So he just comes in for the last part and somewhat paid $75,000 for that. That was a gross farm wisdom. We try to like, we try to foster like sort of an environment of, you know, learning and just just growth, I guess. And to me, Travis, that felt like you were just kind of click baiting, like just kind of getting salacious. The idea of a dude horses wiener being strapped down to his tummy is an interesting griffin.

I think, no, I think you are mostly going for that like raw sex SEO. I mean, sometimes it's max fun drive. We talk about horse wieners. I have another farm wisdom here and this one is not yucky. Let's just call it what it is. I found Travis is interesting. What, where did the first horse come from? He's just like, I think he's just like at the farm living the same horse every time.

Like, does he have like one horse like that's just romance centric? What they do is they get him all charged up with the mare horse and then they take him to like some like not famous race horse mare horse and let him go to town there so that he doesn't get all upset and go crazy on everybody. How does that interaction work? Like, listen, Dr. Trust, Chuck nuts. You gots to trust me on this one. No, are you sure?

Because I'm like, I'm having like a lot of fun in it. No, trust me, trust me. Dr. Trust not trust nuts. That's your new name. I need you to listen. Dr. Truck nuts. I need you to be Dr. Trust nuts right now. I'm a bro, bro, bro.

Have I ever let you down? I'm going to fucking hollow you out, son. That's what they should make him race. Like they should try to clock a time on him in. I bet he'd be like performing really very well. I know how hot. I know in college, whenever I had a big audition, I would always wake to pee until afterwards. So it's probably the same thing.

Just have some sort of barn intern, like standing right behind a finish line with a glossy JPEG of a horse vagina. Come on. I have another one here, and it's not horse related. Unless you can... Are llamas horses? Has anyone ever gotten on the bottom of this? Space horses.

All right. Here's some pharmacism sent in by Tom Harriman. Thank you, Tom. If you want to protect your livestock, such as sheep and goats against predators, add a llama to the herd. The llama will act as a guard for the animals, going so far as to fight off attacks by coyotes, wolves, and dogs. If you go this route, it's important that you only get one llama,

because you want it to bond with the herd it's protecting. It's true, if you get two llamas in there, they're just going to talk to each other. It's like me at a party with like one other person. I know I'm not making new friends at that party. I love this idea, because I've actually seen this happen, not this exact thing, but very similar thing in practice, because Buttercup, my dog, hates pigeons. The other day, I was walking around a park

where there were pigeons and swans mixed together, or maybe it was geese. It was geese. Geese and pigeons mixed together. She started to chase a pigeon and then saw a giant goose, and she was like, oh, shit, it's the pigeon's mom, and she immediately hid behind my legs. Yeah, animals are like wicked dumb, and if they see a bunch of animals together, they will assume anything.

If there was a bunch of rats fighting over a bag of Doritos, an animal might look at that and be like, how come that one rat is orange and plastic-y, and it says Doritos on him? It's Doritos rat. Get that shit up on Buzzfeed. But if you see a bunch of sheep and add a llama to it, I mean, they're both wool producing creatures. It's not that much of a stretch.

It's just this one sheep is like super duper, duper fucked up. I don't want to mess with that. I don't know what that one sheep's capable of. Don't you think that's messed up for the llama, though? It's like an ugly duckling situation. We're like, why am I so big? I mean, they're probably down as fuck, because they're super tall,

and they probably feel like in charge, and they could have any one of those sheep that they want. If you stud out a llama, it's important to do it with a sheep, because then you get double wool. And a medium-sized llama. Yeah. I wouldn't be a bummer to be a llama, and they're like, hey, we got a new one for you,

and they pull up, and you just see a bunch of sheep, and you're like, I know what this is. I don't know anybody here. Okay. I see what we're doing. Okay. All right. I get it.

Okay. Yep. Give me the over-under. I'm trying to wrap my mind around this farm wisdom that Tom Herriman sent in. Thank you, Tom, because I'm trying to like, what's the over-under? Let's put them both in a ring.

Coyote. V llama. Llama has reach, I suppose. Spit? If you want to take it to like, fucking Pokemon attack levels, you can spit in the coyote's eyes, maybe. It seems that would require like a lot of accuracy.

I'm also a pretty sure. I don't think that's Llama's strongest statistic. I'm pretty sure Llama can like, leap like all four feet off the ground, as I said, like, they are very prancy. What are you basing that on? Nothing. Okay.

Because when Spike Lee commercial, when he was staring at a bunch of jumpin' llamas, he was like, it's gotta be the shoes. And the llamas were like, we don't wear shoes. Mostly, I'm basing it on picturing a llama jumping up and down on a coyote. Okay, but a coyote can jump. I do want to just get that out there.

They have feet and like, legs, strength and shit. But which one do you think could jump better? Let me ask you a question, Travis. What would be your least favorite place to be bitten by a coyote? On the balls. Don't say the hog. Well, too late.

I'll let it, I'll let it to make it sound like I said, don't say the hog before you mentioned the crass thing. The butt. I like your butt. If a coyote bit me directly on the butthole. Okay. I would absolutely much prefer that I got bitten on the butt than pretty much anywhere else.

Yeah, because you got a lot of butt. Yeah, I could let that go. Travis is the bony butt boy, though. So, and if his butt gets bitten, it's like, oof. He's breaking that thing off. Yeah, I have lots of, which might be a little trap, right? Like when a bird tries to get a lizard, gets that tail, lizard's like, snip, no tail, fuck you, bye.

My butt will grow back. That's true. Okay. My point was this. It's my favorite Celine Dion song. My point is if you get, if you get one, if you get a good one on the neck, boy, that's just it. If you get, oh boy, the neck, that's just it, isn't it?

And a llama, what does a llama have a lot of? What did God, when he was like sketching them out, when he was whiteboarding the old llama, he was like, let's give him like 10 times as much neck as anything would ever need. That would be a bad matchup, I think. Because again, to go back to the Pokemon terminology, biting type is very, very super effective against neck type.

Do you think if you're trying to protect your flock of llamas, you put a giraffe in there? That would fuck me up. Are you kidding? That would fuck me human. Like I don't go around murdering sheep all the time. That would still fuck me up. I would still see that site and be like,

I am not fucking with those sheep today. And that would be like, why would I, but definitely not going to do it now. Could I take a sheep in a fair fight? Okay, we're done here. Well, not done, but we do need to stop for a second to talk about the maximum fun network. Travis, you're in Los Angeles right now, right?

That is correct. Do you just feel the excitement? Do you feel the energy of this pulsating towards the MacArthur Park area right now? I can say I've been to MaxFunHQ twice in the past week. I've recorded with three different MaxFun hosts this week. And the energy is palpable, Justin. The magic is air present.

Yesterday, I was just doing my jumps to practice. For my fights. And I jumped eight feet straight up into the air. And it wasn't even like the hardest I could jump. I got scared after I did it, because when I fell, I actually did hurt myself. But I think I could have even gone a little bit higher up. My dream, thank you for asking,

is to be able to just jump on top of my house. Is that eight feet from ground to the bottom of your feet? Yeah. Or eight feet from ground to the top of your head? Sea level. Oh, okay. I'm saying the maximum fun drive gave me jumping energy. Thank you.

Okay, great, great, great. I knew that little digression would have a point. I thought I would. Just if we're getting stuff off our chest, I wanted to brag about a good jump I had. I appreciate that brag formation. The maximum fun is a network, a podcast network we've been very proud to be a part of since 2011.

That's about a year after we started doing this show, way, way back, almost six years ago, in April of 2010. But maximum fun has a ton of great shows that we don't make. In fact, those are the good ones that you should be listening to right now. Like The Flop House, Jordan, Jesse, Go, Bullseye, just John Hodgman. Stop podcasting yourself, throwing shade. Like I could go on.

There's a ton of great programs. And your donation, if you can play, is what helps keep the doors open. We ask people who listen to the show and like the show, we don't charge for them. Instead, we just say, hey, if you like this, could you help us make it? That's what we're really saying.

So we ask you to pledge a certain amount of money per month that you can afford and that you feel is right for the amount of shows that you enjoy. Just to break things down before we get into the gifts and levels. Just to break things down, since we've been on the network, the support that we've gotten from you all has allowed us to buy all new recording equipment, upgrading from the rock band microphones that we started out with.

It has funded some tours that we've done, the travel and booking of those places. It's helped out with that. We did what? Like 15 live shows or something like that last year that wouldn't have been possible without Max Fun Drive and donor support. We've launched a ton of new podcasts. Travis, this is his full-time job now because of the support that we get.

So things like the adventure zone would not exist if it was not for the support we get from donors. So there's an absolutely a tangible, I guess if you want to think about it, return on your investment if you like the stuff we do. Why don't we talk a little bit about gifts? Because you're not buying stuff. Justin, it's pronounced GIFT.

It's pronounced GIFTS. Let's talk about the GIFTS. If you can pledge five bucks a month, which is the price of a very cheap cup of coffee every day, or one decently priced cup of coffee once a month, if you get a lot of additives and it's a large size. Like an 18-cent cup of dirt. Well, they always say that for the price of a cup of coffee,

you can feel like you can't. Like I don't know where you're getting this 18-cent coffee, you're going to like a greasy spoon, you're sitting along some other depression era folks. And you're just like scooping water out of a toilet and pouring it on grounds that were thrown away yesterday. That's about 18 cents. If you can pledge $5 a month,

you're going to get the access code to a veritable treasure trove of bonus material. You're going to get just my brother and my brother and me. There's tons of shows on there that have put up bonus episodes for years, and you're going to get all of it. There's literally days of content on there. But just if we're just talking about my brother,

my brother, and me, just to give you an example of what we're talking about, you're going to get one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight episodes of the show you've never heard before. Bonus episodes. Jesus. All of which have like weird- What are those? Yeah, I can't even remember what we've done.

Like this year we did. We did one with our dad. We did one of the... There's not counted in that total, but my sister, my sister and me, which is our wives recorded a podcast together. That's on there. Big Gulp Live,

the one and only episode of Griffin's VOR podcast. Big Gulp is there on... Holy shit. Yeah, that's there. Our friend, Lin-Manuel Miranda, the guy, he's been on TV a couple of times. I'm not sure what for, but he seems to be making a name for himself.

He's got a demo of a song called Ghost Horse that he wrote for us, and the demo of him recording it is on there. The Ghost Horse demo, Fugue for Brother Horns is the subtitle of that. But that's on there. Like there's a ton of crap on there. Including some video stuff.

Some videos. Yeah, we riffed some old training, not training, but in educational films. Short films, we did some jokes about those, and that's on there. And that's like just our show. There's tons and tons and tons of crap. We did a show about ASMR for my medical history podcast Sawbones,

which ends in a binaural, holophonic virtual doctor's office visit that demonstrates the idea of ASMR. And that's on there. There's so much on there that you can be enjoying if you just donate $5 a month. That's just five bucks a month if you got a maximumfund.org slash donate right now.

For $10 a month, you get all that bonus content and you get your pick of one of, I believe 22, maybe 24, somewhere in there, Bandanas, each one styled for a specific show on the network. Then my brother and me one features Torsi, the torso horse along with a lot of other awesome stuff. You can find them at maximumfund.org forward slash bandanas. And that's just $10 a month.

It's a really awesome deal. And you're going to look super cool in that bandana. You're going to look like a tough bike man or woman. Like a biker mouse from Mars. Now, at $20 a month, you are going to get the Maxfun Adventure Necessity Collection. This is a, what, you go camping? What, you get lost?

Just you get lost and you wander into the woods sometimes and you have to survive a night out there? The Maxfun Adventure Necessity Collection's got you. It's got a multi-tool with the Maxfun Rocket logo on it. It's got a hot chocolate packet. Actually, if you're like surviving out in the wilderness, that probably would be low on the, although I don't know,

that sugar would probably give you the burst of energy and you need to like fashion a hut out of a tree. A paracord brace that you can use. I think turns into a rope or something. There's camping toilet paper, which would absolutely be my number one necessity. I poop a lot. Anyway, you can get that at $20 a month,

but you also get the stuff before it, like the bandana and the bonus episodes. Not like, that's specifically the stuff you'll get. But what you also get is the smug satisfaction of knowing that you donated to support the things that you love. And we also understand that not everybody can do that. Sometimes you find yourself in a position where you can't afford to give money every month,

and we totally get that. If that's the case, make sure you go on Twitter, you go on Facebook, you tell your friends that Maxfun Drive is going on, you share that link, maximumfun.org, forward slash donate, and you say like, I can't,

but you should support the things you love, maximumfun.org, forward slash donate. We'll talk more about what else you can get in the Maxfun Drive and how you can help support us, but I think we should get back into the fucking flow. Yeah, dive in. All right, here's another question. This one comes to us from Gmail.

It says, one of my closest friends has recently gone a bit off the deep end. Over the past few years, he's spent a lot of time on the internet watching conspiracy theory videos and YouTube Dr. Benderese. Usually when he starts into some weird Illuminati talk, I could change the subject to something more normal,

but not today. We're stuck in a car together for a solid half hour during which he expanded upon a variety of crazy government slash cult theories. I realized that he was spending way more time on this stuff than I thought. He even got pretty worked up at a couple of points.

How can I talk to him about toning it way, way down? My fear is there's a point of no return. He may be fast approaching. What should I do? It says Gmail here, but it sounds to me like this is actually from the G-Man. The G-Man.

Trying to put this back in the old data vault, the old black crypt, and put it back buried underground for the lizard men to feast on. Lizard men feast on truth. And if you bury truth underground, that's how the lizard men get to it, and they can eat it.

That's true. There's one way. Griffin, Griffin, how do I stop? How do I fight the lizard men? I'm glad you asked. Gold, you need it. You need it. You need it.

You need it. Go get it. Oh, go get that gold. Oh, my God, you need the gold. It's so very important. Also, if you put a llama in with your sheeple, it'll protect them from the lizard men. That's 100% true.

But not everybody's going to have that luxury, because llamas are a rarity. You got to get a llama and a human being to bone down, and then that's a tough. That's how Lorenzo Lamas was born. Jesus, that's a good joke, Travis. Thank you, Griffin. I literally got sweaty from how good the joke was.

I got chills over here. I got chills for days. A lot of people laugh when they hear a good joke. For me, it was instant sweat. The laughs came through your pores. Yeah, in the form of perspiration. Anyway, gold. Oh, my God, you need it.

Lizard men are afraid of it. It's the worst thing about conspiracy theorists is that they've made pirates seem like conspiracy theorists themselves, because every time they open up a chest full of gold, they're like, oh, my goodness. It's like, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, we're safe. Come take this, Obama.

Just kidding. Hey, guys, can we encrypt this somehow? I don't know what that means, because I'm a pirate, but we'll figure it out. Like a pirate who's a big fan of national treasure. I mean, for a pirate, if you bury treasure, that's encrypting it, technically. I mean, that's true.

It's hard to hack a treasure chest. I got another question. Well, no, we didn't even help that person. Yeah, so what? I got another question. OK, open your eyes. Your friend is right. Open your eyes.

Your friend is not right. Obviously, this is the way that their anxiety manifests. They should don't try to hear. Here's your real advice. OK, your real advice. Don't try to talk a person like this out of conspiracy theories. That is reinforcing their conspiracy theory. Trust me on this one.

This is beyond both our and their pay grade. And if you want to help them out, then give them a talk to somebody who it is their pay grade. Yeah, it ain't ours. My best friend treats me like I'm her baby daddy. Now we're talking. She even went as far as to tell some of the people who asked who the father was while she was pregnant that it was me.

Wait, what? This is biologically impossible, as we have never slept together. And I, like her, am a woman. It stopped being cute and funny around the fifth time she said it. I don't even want kids of my own. How do I get her to stop stamping my name on that belly button? And that's from Jenna. Like Jenna.

What? Jenna? What? Jenna? Just tell her to stop. Jenna, this is a grounder. Tell her to quit doing that. But no, is there anybody who honestly thinks that this is a-

Oh, that are fooled? Yeah. Huh. I'm actually sitting here thinking, two women? I mean, we are- They're actually working on that technology. Yeah, like we're getting close to that technology. No, I know, but we're not there yet.

Yeah. But I tell you what though, I'm not so plugged in that if someone told me that, like, I'm so embarrassed, I'm so terrified. Oh, yes. Seeming out of it. I'd be like, yeah, I've heard a lot about that lately. Yep, that tracks. That tracks me.

They would say that. The nightmare scenario that Jess is proposing is they would say that to, let's just use us as an example. And I would say, I would go, good one. And they'd be like, no, they took my stem cells and her stem cells and just like did a, did a hokey pokey and then like, wow. This is, this is meat, meat, Marsha. And like, oh, fuck, I fucked up.

I'm so sorry. Your love is beautiful. I didn't mean to laugh. It's just like, I thought it was, I'm so sorry. And then they double back on the goof. And they're like, no, I'm just kidding. We don't have that tech yet. And I'm like, oh, I'm really sweating over here.

The whole time I knew it. But you know what? Here's what it is. This is what I think this is a matter of. Your friend probably did this goof once. And like people laughed and maybe you kind of laughed too. And then she was like, oh, okay. This is a good response joke.

When someone asks, like, who's the, you know, like, who's the father? Which is also a weird thing to ask anybody. That's a weird thing to ask anybody. Oh yeah? Who's the father? Why, why, what the fuck? Fuck you. Hey, who'd you, who'd you bone?

Who put that in you? Hey, who'd you bone today? That's a weird thing. I think that's the bigger problem. How often is this coming up? Or is she volunteering this, like she walks into a party and she's like, my friend, Jenna, put this baby in me. That's also weird.

That's a weird opener. It's not as bad as mine. I just walk in with my phone up and be like, have you guys seen this damn Daniel kid? What's up with that? Yeah, that's good. It's really good, I think, because it connects with everybody, you know? And it'll never not be topical.

Can I read a yahoo? Yeah, for sure. Kind of a classic bit. This one's sitting by Raiden High, Zoey Kinski. Thank you, Zoey. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Shau Cat, who asks, taller wife is blessing or curse. You know how they have like,

like quotation marks is, and then, but they also have like single quotation marks and describing height. Which one's foot? Which one's inch? One is foot two. Okay. My wife is three meters.

Okay, my wife is three feet taller than me. I've become a divided, I've become a divided man. In privacy, I am a staunch admirer and lover of my taller wife. I love, let me fucking finish. I enjoy her height, dominance of her physique, and her overall supremacy.

While in public, I am a scared man, feeling myself overwhelmed and pressurized. Please provide me some genuine solution. Being pressurized is great, because if it starts raining on you, like you don't even have to worry about it. The difference is in the answer to this question. Dependent on whether he meant two type,

one apostrophe mark or two are an ocean. They are a vast ocean. It's a gulf. Separating two continents. Let's assume, how can we, how can we talk about the, are we talking like a Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman situation or?

You mean Danny DeVito with two Rhea Perlmans standing on top of each other's shoulders situation. The average male American height is five foot, 10 inches tall. I say we start there. The average person. All right, let's take a foot and a half off that, four, four, we'll say four, four,

and then we'll do, we'll add the three feet on the other end. For what are women, like five, six? So a good six, 10, four, four, and six, 10. That doesn't add, does that? That doesn't track, no. Doesn't track, do it. Four, four, and seven, four. The tallest woman.

Oh, this shit, that's so tall. The tallest woman held the get, according to Guinness Book of World Records, seven foot, five. Okay, so he's not a record, he does not have a record breaking, or like record encroaching. No, that's what I'm saying, seven, four, and four, four.

That's what we're talking about. Run her up for my very tall wife. My very. Oh, wait, sorry. The actual, the tallest is eight foot, one, and three quarters inches. All right, so let's- She's not even really that tall at seven, four.

Yeah. All right, seven, four, and four, four. That's what we're talking about. Um, I enjoy my tall wife. I enjoy my very big spouse so much. I love my big wife, guys. I don't know what to tell you. I'm not ashamed of it,

except when we're in public, I feel like a scared man. Feel pressurized. But Danny DeVito is five feet tall. Correct. You're four feet. And Rhea Prowlman's five feet tall. That's amazing. I love these two.

That makes me so happy. My wife is three feet tall. I love my big wife. Please, what do I do in public? I get so scared and pressurized and overwhelmed. I mean, she's so much taller than him, is the only thing about it. Let's, should we assume, would we be more easily equipped

to handle this if she was three inches taller? Because, God, that seems just like so much more likely. That doesn't seem like worth writing into y'all. Okay, yeah, all right. It's about that, does it? Like, that's like not that impressive. I mean, do they feel like they have to explain to people, to passersby?

I love my very big wife. And I like her, if people are like, wow, is it hard having that three-foot divide? And you would have to explain like every time, like I enjoy the dominance of her physique. But I do not like being pressurized. Well, that's just a public thing. That's just like, he's worried

what the public thinks about them, which is like. Maybe he's less worried about what the public thinks and more worried about those two eyes. He has a glowering down on him from above every time someone gives them dirt looks. You know, it's like, oh, listen. I see what you're thinking there. And I love my tall wife.

I love my very big wife. I don't know what. It's gonna be really embarrassing when he finds out his wife is just two wives stacked on top of each other in a big trench coat. Yeah. And when she finds out that he's actually, he's actually eight rabbits.

Or he's, the whole time he's been one Tim Conway on his knees with fake shoes in front of his knees. Absolutely. I love my big wife. I don't think there's any grounds for discussion, for the discussion here. I'm happy to put this one to rest. It's just guys.

My wife is tall and I love that in her. I love my big wife. I'm a man divided. At the end of each workday, my husband and I arrive at the entrance of our apartment complex to check out our mailbox before heading back in. For the past three weeks, like clockwork,

white-haired elderly gentleman around the age 75 to 80, exits the mailroom and literally walks backwards towards his own apartment. A good five to seven minute walk. Damn, Daniel. It's a very surreal thing to watch. He always has a grimace on his face. And worse, he stares right at us as he's doing it.

We've been trying to figure out why you would do this. Is this a new exercise for the elderly? Are we in an episode of Twin Peaks? And most of all, why in God's name must he stare at us when he does it? Is there any chance you might be able to shed some light on this? We'd love to hear your thoughts and conclusions on this matter.

That's from Alexis. He's definitely a ghost. Like 100% definitely, definitely a ghost. Like that's not even a question, which is another one of our bits that we're bringing back for Goofbusters. But just because he's a ghost doesn't mean he's not gaslighting you. That's true.

That's true. Sometimes ghosts just need something to keep him going. For all you know, he's locked the ghostly plane for like 400 years. And he's just like, I need something to keep me going. And it's messing with Alexis and her husband. The strongest argument for gaslighting in my opinion is the repetition. If you had seen this once and you had thought,

oh, that's weird. And then they never saw it again, that could have been one of life's many coincidences. Since it has happened multiple times, he is trying to get you to question his sanity. If it happens more than once, it's you're being gaslit. Yeah. He's definitely has some sort of lizard man

like surveillance situation on you. Just to make sure you can time that. Like, guaranteed if you went up to him and said, hey, didn't you just do this? He would say, no, I don't think so. I think this is the first time I've ever, ever done this. Yeah. Another possibility.

Can I put this forward? Hit me. Well, if he just has a great ass and he just always wants you to. Does he have truck nuts hanging from his belt? No, we're putting truck nuts away. Put it back in the drawer. I'm the teacher.

I'm going to take your fucking prank. Pranky whoopie cushions. I'm going to take your truck nuts. I'm going to put them in my drawer. And then later on, the principal's going to find them and be like, Michelle, what the fuck? You can't have, you can't have nuts at work. This is.

Nut your band. Anyway, maybe he's got a great, oh, just a juicy little rump. Oh, a juicy little old man bottom. And he just wants you to, he wants to greet you. Hello, good day. This is me. He just wants you to like see it with your eyes. Like first thing.

Maybe learn to moonwalk is on his bucket list. It's possible. He's made it to a lot, huh? I mean, he's trying to turn through the first few pages already. He started way too early. He started doing his bucket list at like 40. But now at like 80, he's like, I'm like, I'm down to the dregs. I've got like eat crackers hanging from a pole and walk backwards.

Do that thing with a dollar bill on a rope tied to a stick to a little kid to make him run around the block. Gas light, gas lights and 20 somethings. Next time you see a moonwalking, just see if he's carrying like a coffee can full of the ashes of his best friend who is knocking that list out with. Because that's that's a telltale sign. We didn't get this.

We didn't get to this one together, Peter, but you got there. You're moonwalking with Jesus now. I'm going to put you see that one pair of backwards footprints. That's where I carried you backwards. I'm going to throw your ass down on the floor now to reduce the friction. Thank you, Peter. Peter, your burned up body helps me dance again. Shuffle flap, shuffle step.

Peter, with your dusty permission, I'm going to try to do the lean over thing. Nope, dad. Someone come burn me so I can lubricate your moonwalk. And then you can carry this burden backwards for a whole of time. Peter, I want our bodies to do sand art together. I want it. I want a board teenager on a boardwalk somewhere to pour us both in a jar and then poke a straw through us to make weird angular shapes.

Set me free. What do we got? Another Yahoo? We should talk about the Max Fun Drive. I think let's talk about the Max Fun Drive one more time and then do a couple more and then bounce. Maxfun.org relies on your donations to keep the network going. And it also allows us to do other shows.

When we started Maxfun Fun, it was just my brother and my brother made it. Well, we didn't start Maxfun Fun. When we started with Maxfun Fun. Thank you, girlfriend. That preposition was essential. We started with Maxfun Fun. It was just my brother and brother and me. And then when we decided like, hey, we could take time away from other things

to do this podcast thing because folks seem to like it and we're making a little bit of money off of it. So why don't we do more? So that's why we spun off. We did the adventure zone and we did a big gulp. And we did shmanners and saw bones and... Bunker buddies. Bunker buddies.

Trends like these. Can I pet your dog? Yeah. That's when we started Bullseye. Still buffering. Yeah. And we did all those podcasts because you find folks supported us. And it allows us to do less that.

Like we said, Travis made this his full-time job. I work less at my day job now because I need more time to make shows for folks. I also want to say I love Maxfun and I love the Maxfun Drive because basically it's a two-week period of people talking about how special Maximum Fun is. And I agree because sometimes the internet can get really bogged down with really terrible people who just complain about the things they love, which is such a weird thing to do. But everyone, like they love something so much that all they can do is complain about it

when it disappoints them. It is the most supportive and inclusive community basically ever. Every time we get out to a Maxfun con, it's like just the best time ever hanging out with the best folks ever. Speaking of, if you want to hang out with other members of the Maxfun community, whoa, oh my God, Rachel's spraying off the window of my office. She just scared the shit out of me. Rachel did?

Yeah. I'm spraying off the window. I think you said spraying off the window. Yeah. Rachel's doing some fucking- I can't woman shed as she's pulling. Yeah. She's well, she's training for the Ninja Warrior.

Anyway, I've told her not to do it on the glass. You know what I mean? The course is not going to be made out of glass. Anyway, I forgot completely what I was talking about. Oh, there's meetups next week, next Tuesday. If you go to Maxfun- Or this Tuesday, tomorrow. This Tuesday, that's right.

Go to Maxfunfun.org slash meetups and you can see where everything's popping off in different cities across these United States of America. Is there something happening in LA that you're going to, Trav? Yeah. Theresa and I and basically all of my co-hosts that live here are going to club TG, T-E-E-G-E. So yeah, go hang out. Seriously, everybody I've ever met through these shows has been fucking radical. There's also a special promotion going away where Maxfun is giving away a Breville product,

a kitchen appliance and favorite of John Hodgman. If you tweet a link to the donate page, which is Maxfunfun.org slash donate along with a statement of why you love Maxfunfun or why people should support it. And you use the hashtag toast to Maxfun. They will pick the one they like the best and they will get Hodgman's favorite Breville product. I'm assuming it is a toaster just based on the hashtag. Anyway, let's talk about what other gifts people can expect at the higher donation levels. Well, we talked about the bonus content for $5, the bandana for 10, and the adventure kit for 20,

for $35. You get all that stuff and you get a really beautiful Maxfun emblazoned vacuum thermos. Keeps your hot drinks hot, your cold drinks cold, your medium drinks medium. Hides your gold from the lizardmen who can't see inside of vacuums. And can I tell you a secret, folks? What's that? Maybe you are already a donor. That's awesome.

Thank you so much. You're looking to upgrade. That's the secret. You're a donor already. You didn't know it. We've been hacking your account. And you're a $35 a month donor and you're looking at that $100 a month level and you're like, I don't know.

There's a secret $50 a month level for upgrading donors that you can move up to if you're not quite ready to make that jump to 100. So don't worry. If you're not already a donor and you just listened to that and processed it with your brain, you're a criminal technically. Now you have to become a donor. But above that, there is a $100 per month level if you maybe you're flush and you really, really like our shows and you want to help support us.

There is what's called the Inner Circle, which is our monthly culture club. You get all the other stuff, bonus episodes, the thermos, all that. But you also get to be a member of the Inner Circle. And every month, a host of a Maxfun show picks some cultural thing. Maybe it's a book. Maybe it's a movie. Maybe it's an album. And you will get a copy of that as well as a sort of written explanation as to why it is so

special to those people. Last year, we selected the album Music Evolution by the hip hop jazz funk band Buckshot LeFanc, which is like literally one of my favorite albums basically ever. It was very formative when I was a child. Thank you to the men in black soundtrack for pointing me their way. If you really want to go hog wild, we have a record. If you really want to go hog wild for $200 per month, you can get free registration for Maxfuncon 2017, which again, like I just said is a blast.

It's full of the coolest people ever. Get to eat a bunch of dope ass food on top of a mountain. Get drunk with your favorite podcasters. So yeah, we don't expect that people are going to like a lot of folks are going to come in at those levels. That's kind of a big ask. But if you have, you know, if you really enjoy our shows, if you enjoy Mabimbam and The Adventure Zone and Sawbones and Bunker Buddies and the rest of the shows that we do and you want to support us,

just go to Maxfunfun.org slash donate. There's a questionnaire about like which podcasts you listen to. Just fill that out and we really appreciate your support. And what's really special and what's really special about that is the shows that you say you listen to are the shows that get funded by your donation. So it's a very direct one in one kind of support. So it's not just like spread throughout Maxfun and you don't know where your dollars are going. The shows that you say you listen to are supported by you.

We are recording this a little bit early. So but at last check, we're about halfway to our 5,000 member goal and obviously like we want to smash that goal and keep going higher and higher. So I don't know where we're going to be out on Monday, but please, you know, help us meet that goal, help us crush and destroy that goal, help us embarrass that goal, help us humiliate that goal. And that goal is new and upgrading. So if you've been a donor for a long time and now you went from listening to like one show to 12,

maybe consider up in that donation and supporting even more shows. Because if you don't update the shows that you listen to, they're not getting supported by you. And if you want fucking more reason to donate, oh God, I hate doing these early stops. Let me think. Sometimes in life, you want to buy a boat. But you don't have the money that salesmen require for boats. But that's the is calling to me.

You got a gift to the maximum fund drive, maximum fund drive, maximum fund drive. Maximum fund drive. I thought what I liked about that was that I want a boat and I don't have the money needed for the boat. I'm going to take another stab at it. I do. I'm going to focus on this boat because gang, we didn't mention this in the notes, but I really. You can do more with the boat thing.

Okay. Oh, what was that? That was a weird mid mid bar key change. What do you do when you've got a little boat? And your friends at the marina, they all make fun of your little boat. Well, the answer is clear. Give me both money this year. It's time for the maximum fund drive.

Maximum fund drive, the maximum fund drive, the boat was an allegory for my penis. Beautiful. I'm talking about penis enlargement surgery. The men at the docks make fun of my dick. I wish that the boatman would stop looking at me in the bathroom. It's supposed to be private place. Hey Griffin, what's the number of donors we need to hit to bring back jingles permanently?

A million, a million donors. Hold on. If we hit 5,000 donors, I'm getting an adventure zone tattoo, but it takes you a million donors to do jingles. Birthing these creations wrote a song a day. That's that's Jocoh. That ain't me. A song a day.

Go to maximumfund.org. Now while you're thinking about it. I don't play this acoustic guitar anymore. It stinks. I don't know what's going on. The strings actually stink. They actually smell very bad. I don't want to be touching it anymore.

That's all I was saying. Like I'd love to read it back. A, I like listening to them. B, it's a nice sort of like half time for me in scraps. Yeah. Just like play Galaxy of Heroes on our iPhones and fucking show. I did three hearthstone matches in there. Yeah, that's awesome.

Cool. A coworker of mine brought some delicious bone-in chicken wings to work for lunch. And offered me one. I gladly accepted, but fumbled the handoff and dropped the wing. Rather than let said wing go to waste. I removed the skin from the side that touched the carpet and ate the wing. Now everyone in the office thinks I'm a dirty floor eater. Am I good?

Germs can't make it through the protective skin instantly, right? What was I supposed to do? Let the wing go to waste. And that's from five second faux pas in Dallas. This is horrible. You can't, it's not about, everyone's so worried about germs, right? And germs are bad. Don't get me wrong.

Germs are very bad. I've watched Contagion, okay? They took Gwyneth Paltrow from us. I hate it. Germs aren't great. I really want to make my position known on germs. I think they stink. But there's a sort of social germ that is invisible and intangible.

And it won't make you sick, but it'll make me sick if I let you eat a wing off the floor. Especially a sloppy, sloppy wing. A wing is the worst possible. It's like you engineered, like, got to have meat on it, got to be very sticky. And got to be like... You know only the worst is if you dump soup on the ground and vacuum it up through a straw. Yeah. No, I think wings actually worse than that.

Then carpet soup? Yes. I tell you who's really at fault here. Who's that? It's the co-worker. The co-worker who saw you drop your wing and did not instantly say, I will give you another. Please throw that wing away.

This was not your one and only wing opportunity. I will present you with another wing. Please do not do this. That's what I had. I think that's a bigger problem than like the germ aspect. It's just like the the sneeze that you immediately have is like person who doesn't know where people are buying wings all the time. Like where did you find this?

This is the only crack I have at this. I just, I'll just, yeah, whatever. I may never wing again. This is a barefoot office. Ugh, like Google. God, wait, what? No. What is that?

What is it? Like Google or Pixar, where everybody's like on razor scooters and bare feet. Or just the beach because you're a surf instructor. The whole world's my office, man. As long as it's a beach. As long as it's specifically a beach. I cannot work in like a suburban area. Yeah.

And honestly, if we could try to keep it in the just sort of the Malibu area, that would be. I have lost my license. Yeah. This more like this. If I go a hundred feet that way, that's sort of a surfbergs territory. And a hundred feet the other way. So like surfing, Dan, surfing glass territory. So like if we actually, my office is actually this office.

Now that I think about it, this is pretty much the only place that I could teach surfing. It's amazing to me how contentious and territorial surf instructors get. Yeah. Man, we've lost too many people too young to surf instructor beefs. This is my beach. Like this is an Arby's. There's a, there's a, there's a small fishing pond, three and a half miles away. This is not, this ain't your, your beach.

This is your beach. I thought you said this is our beach. And then I put it together and you said Arby's. You know, another, another funny thing you could say about this. Oh no. Oh no. Just back to back. Back to back.

Are you positive? Yeah, I'm positive. Is a haunted doll. Watch folks. And it's coming to you live from eBay, the electronic bay. It's bringing word of haunted dolls from all over the world. This one is a haunted vintage doll, paranormal spirit, vessel, active EMF. A lot of SEO, not so much the name.

Do we need a vintage modifier on that? Is anybody like bringing home a fucking like, oh, this is Susan. She's a new American girl. Ah, fuck. She's haunted. Damn it. I just spent $300 on this. I can't believe it got ghost all up in it.

Yeah. Haunted dolls found in the storage after grandma passed away. I'm having paranormal activity after bringing these dolls home. At first I was very scared, but now I'm spending more time with each doll in order to sense it, get a sense of their energy and give the buyer as much information as possible. That's nice. You got to really spend some time with your dolls to get to know them.

Yeah. They're really filling in the blanks. The next sentence of this eBay listing is I am what they call a sensitive. Oh my God. I'm not sure if karma is real or kismet or what have you, whatever sort of higher power you believe in, but boy, isn't it lucky how people who are sensitive to these spiritual comings and goings often inherit

large doll collections from their dead grandmother. It's funny how those, you don't find a lot of guys, like just like dudes named Carl, inheriting a bunch of dolls from their dead grandma. My sensitive friend told me that these dolls were haunted, but I swear, I get nothing. Why are you cursing with this lack of sensitivity? Damn, I wish I could commune with you beautiful babies.

I love it. Damn it. I could tell it behind each ears to dead porcelain eyes. You each got a story to tell, but I just can't hear it with my dumb, non-sensitive ears. Damn it, Carl. Therefore, I'm able to use all my senses and feel spirits. My grandma was a kind loving spirit.

My aunt Angelica was a healer, and that baby from Rugrats, and a psychic in her country. I was taken care of by my aunt. So I learned how to perceive and work with energy from an early age. Fuck, you are such a good pick for a huge old doll collection. I cannot believe how lucky we are that these two things don't work out.

Jesse, you don't hear about the 100,000 other times that people like, those people aren't going to get an event and say, I've got a shitload of dolls possibly haunted. I have no fucking clue. History is written by the sensitives. Yeah, and also I like that at first this person was scared. It's like, hey, hey, you spent your whole life training for this moment.

This is sick as hell. Are you sure you're scared? This is like the best. Well, maybe it was like, you know, moving up to the big show scared like the first time, like, you know, you're the backup quarterback. The starting quarterback goes down with like a broken hammy, and you're called in and he's like,

now you're quarterback now. And you're like, I'm scared, but I'm ready. So maybe that was it. Like he inherited the dolls. He threw open the storage room door, like on storage wars. He just saw a bunch of dead black eyes staring back at him. And he was like, I'm ready, but I'm scared, but I'm ready. Don't you guys want to know at all about this doll?

Yes. Do you want to know about it? Yeah. I mean, typically this is the part that is kind of sad. I perceive a very spoiled rich girl who grew up without her mother. Her father was a businessman who traveled all out of the country and left her alone with her nanny and hired help to care for her.

She was homeschooled and didn't develop good social skills. Therefore, she'd girl presentable and untrusting of others. She does not respond when I ask her name, but I keep getting Gretchen in my head. I keep getting Gretchen in my head as my favorite Johnny Cash song. And it's a sad, slow ballad. And I love it. She has a stubborn and very determined strong personality

that I am not comfortable with. Okay, shit. The lights have flickered on and off, and I feel a pulling sensation from her as if she wants to draw me in. I would advise caution in establishing boundaries with her. Well, how stubborn can she be if she's trying to pull you in, doll? She wants to engage.

This sounds like a frustrated parent giving their child up for adoption. This is like, it's not my fault you didn't break this puppet spirit. I'm bothered by the fact that this judgmental turd who is making this starts off by saying she's very spoiled. She grabbed without a mother. Like you, like right there, like you, like you know what's up and you're still being a turd about it. This is the ending.

I have left her and gone to bed and it felt her hovering over me. It's just what I feel, very disturbing energy. Her face, arms and feet are porcelain with a soft body. She measures 16 inches tall. Oh, see, don't breeze over that. That's what I, that's as a collector. That's the stuff I want to know.

I mean, the spirit, the living spirit that lives in cyber, that's great and everything. But I've got like a, I've got like a dollhouse thing going on and I don't want some big ass doll. It's like too big for the tea set I have set up. I'll say that this seller is not really good at selling. I got this doll. She's creepy as shit.

She's going to hover over you. I do not like it. Please take this creepy doll and give me money for it. Holy fucking shit. You guys are not going to believe me, but this listing actually ends with, and I just said it to you so you believe me, her face, arms and feet are porcelain with a soft body.

She measures 16 feet tall. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it can't, can't be. She measures 16 feet tall. No, no. I love my tall doll wife. I am a doll wife. I am 13 feet tall.

My haunted doll wife is 16 feet tall. I love how big- I fell her hover over me, but it does not match up one in one because she is three feet taller than I am. She's 16 feet tall. I love how my tall, haunted wife physically dominates me. I feel so pressurized by my tall doll wife.

I love her haunted physique. She does not feel like I am public. I feel such judgment. This is a full blown, like, yes, 80s horror movie. Like, hello daddy. Like, oh fuck no. Yeah, the last line is also,

this is viral marketing for the new Ghostbusters movie. Check it out in theaters. It's coming soon. Leslie goes in and she's hysterical. This is actually viral marketing for Goofbusters too. This episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. This has been so much fun to revisit

some of our old classics. Not as many, maybe not as many as we thought there was gonna be. So if you're about to tweet us and ask whatever happened to blank, this is your answer. Thighed here. See you again next year.

Hopefully not. Hey, I also want to remind you, maximumfun.org forward slash donate. You know, even if $5 is the most you can do, if you can carve out $5, that's great. That means the world to us. Every bit you can donate really does help a lot. It helps to show that this is a thing that you love

and this network is a thing that you love. And it helps us to make more things that you can love. And be sure that when you donate, that you tweet at us and let us know so we can say thank you because we really are grateful and it means a lot to us that you decided to support the show. Oh, and before we forget, the Maxfun drive is gonna wrap up on the 25th

with a live streaming, Jordan Jesse Goh from Maxfun HQ. I'm going to be there and be on it. And a bunch of my co-hosts here in LA are gonna be there and they will probably be on it too. But make sure you check that out. Follow at Maxfun HQ on Twitter to get all the details and everything. And you should just be following the hashtag Maxfun drive anyways

because there's so much awesome stuff going on. There's random giveaways happening. There's people like talking about why they love Maxfun and planning the meetups and all that stuff. So follow hashtag Maxfun drive. Let us know that you donated. Watch the live stream. All that stuff.

I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off playing the days to bed. It's a wonderful, wonderful album. And a great song. We're very thankful to John in the Long Winters for letting us use it. Yeah, thank you.

And we're thankful to you. And we're so thankful to you. Yeah, so thankful. You guys want that final Yahoo? Yes, please. I didn't pick one. Shit. Well, we'll just do this one.

Send him by right and high. Zoe Kinski, thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Sorry, something's gone wrong. I'll go one name down. Sorry, something's gone wrong. One more name down. Sorry, something's gone wrong.

One more name down. Nope. My face in the rain. Asks. Why are calzones called calzones and not pizza sandwiches? Oh, my name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss for dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, I'm Barbara Gray.

I'm Brandi Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. Together, we make up the Maximum Fun podcast Lady to Lady. Each week, we welcome a kick-ass lady guest. We talk about our lives, our dreams, and the terrible decisions we've made that's so hot to us. Mm-hmm. We've had on great comedians like Aisha Tyler and Margaret

Tro, plus screenwriters, doctors, authors, you know, anyone who's willing to be as open as we are. It's all a lot of fun. That's us, Lady to Lady. Can you give us a good? Neither.