My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 362: Travis McElroy Presents: Waffle Friend

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Okay, so, you're going to hit a point in this episode where we start talking about who would win in a very real war between horse-mounted humans and centaurs. And we want you to know, right now, before getting started, that this will be the remainder of the episode. Just managing expectations, here. Suggested talking points: Preparing for Buffett Battle, Driving Test Cop Friends, Body Exploration, Sisterhood of the Stolen Pants, Garofal-O's, Humans & Horses vs. Centaurs

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Pupa Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy, not sure what the theme was. Not sure what that is. I'm sweet, baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Justin, explain yourself immediately.

I am but a pupa that is snuggling into a chrysalis right now and have been so for 36-some-odd years. Is this a low carb? Why are you a French pope? Is this a slow carb thing? Is this like one of the phases of the slow cart? Like you eat a bunch of beans and then you turn those beans into a chrysalis and then you become larval. It tears up strips of newspaper, smears his bean goo upon them, you know, form his house. It's nothing like the dumb thing you guys said. Today is Friday, tomorrow, July 8th. I'm going to go see Mr. James Buffett live in concert. In doing so, I will have completed my development as a person and will emerge like a butterfly. Ah, we're in a blister light situation. Yeah, that's what I was just about to say. It sounds

like we're maybe Justin's going to come back maybe a new character on the next episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me, which I'm very excited about. Can you tell me how you've been preparing your body? Is there some sort of powder that you apply? I went through every Hawaiian shirt I owned and that all the ones Amazon had to find the perfect one. And I've been re-listening to some tunes to try to pick out some nuance and maybe reading up on some trivia that I can kind of spout during like, hey, Joe, you wrote this one wherever. Lauderdale, you know, I haven't read much yet. So there's still time. No, Justin, there's not much time. It's tomorrow. You think this is like your fucking, your capstone project. You think

you can just fucking buffalo this one in at the last minute? No. My question is this, will James Buffett witness me? Will he witness me? Will he since I am there, like, and this one goes out to Island Boy or something like that? Yeah. Do you want to back-channel this? I mean, that's kind of a crest. It'll work, but I mean, you really want to leverage your limited media power for this one. But the answer is yes, of course, you want to do that. Yes, obviously. I mean, I think there's also a lot of tried-and-true standard options here. You could just try singing along with all the songs louder than anybody else, the loudest. Oh, that's a good idea. If you do the loudest and good enough, they don't tell you this. When

we're up on stage doing our jokes, when you do our jokes the loudest and the best out of anybody, we see you. There's recognition there. Maybe if you yell the trivia to James Buffett and you're like, hey, you wrote this one in Key West. He'll be like, thank you for reminding me, Island Boy. You know how to fly a plane. Yes, I did. I do know that. Thank you. Is that Island Boy? Come up here. Now you do one. Island Boy, did you know I was also a restaurateur, right? Yeah, a restaurateur and pilot? Yeah, an author. Now have you considered? I hope the answer is no, but I need to know if you've seen all the angles of this thing, rushing the stage and attacking James Buffett. Now, what would that accomplish? How would that get me closer to the goals of

my vision board? Well, he would certainly, I mean, he would definitely know, he would definitely know Island Boy. He would witness me. Well, maybe he's just been waiting for a challenger. Maybe he's ready to hand over his blown out flip flops. This is a bad plan. I'm not endorsing this plan, but it's working the past. You're suggesting I rush up on stage. I rend my Hawaiian shirt in twain. I toss Jimmy Buffett a bat left and I battle him for supremacy of Island Lord. You'll lose. You'll deaf, deaf, deaf lose. But maybe he'll, like Mr. Miyagi, you take you under his wing. No, he'll kill you. I see something in you. No, he'll kill you right there on the stage. How high up can you jump? Because I imagine this stage is going to be four or five

feet up off the ground. It's at River Bend in Cincinnati, Travis, I don't know. Have you ever been there? Oh, okay. You're in an amphitheater situation then. So the stage, I believe, is lower and you might be able to jump. That's great. You can just parachute right down onto that thing. Yeah. Bat lets out. Yeah. And it just, it just really attacked Jimmy Buffett. I want to attack Jimmy Buffett. He has to make the first move. You really need to pick the right song. What's the bet? You're at a Jimmy Buffett concert. What's the best song to get the drop on Jimmy Buffett during? Because like, if it's something, I think like Margaritaville, I think he pretty much, that's just muscle memory at this point, like he will definitely see you coming. Is there more

of an emotional ballad where he's maybe thinking of like a long lost friend? Or maybe one of his new songs? You're thinking like a, he doesn't know how to play very good yet? Yeah, it's a new song. He's really nervous about like whether the crowd's going to love it and he doesn't know how to like play the instrument good enough. And so he's like really focused on that. And then all of a sudden you're behind him with a baseball bat with a bunch of nails in it. And then you took, you do toss him also another baseball bat. So you're suggesting James rips into something from the third Canon, which is what we call songs after like 2005. He rips into the third can maybe like a math sucks, or I will play for gumbo. Sorry, there's one called math sucks.

Yeah, it's called math sucks. How much did you, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick. It's with a K, by the way, no C, just a K, S-U-K-S, perfect, perfect, real quick, quick, quick. How much did you pay for these tickets? Not much. We're on the lawn. So we're just kind of kicking it. All right. That's actually, that's how it should be. I would be amazed if anybody actually bought like the actual seats to sit like everyone's just like, Oh, there's lawn. I can just sit on grass. Yes, please. That's the vibe right there. Who wants to sit in a chair? That's fine. You know, you could pay for a chair, but you're not going to need it. Once he tears into some of his first can and hits,

you'll also be too stoned to sit down. You won't remember how to do it. And that's a bad place to be because that's, that leaves you very few options. Have you considered, if you do powder yourself up just right and you get, he witnesses you, however you decide to do it, what you might do, because you're growing with your family, I imagine, right, as a family experience, what if he wants to kiss and make love to you? Because you like. There's plenty of hours in the day. I'll make him take me to the plane first and let me fly it a little bit. Like, you know, wind me down, make Jim. Just so you know, it's real. Listen, that's, I'll report back next week. I was actually trying to engineer a way that I could record an episode

at the concert. I couldn't come up with anything substantial though. You realize how shitty that would be for me in Travis though? Oh, the worst. My idea was like, I would barely pay attention to what you guys were saying and just check in every few minutes. Like a live correspondent, while you guys kind of held out on the fort. But I really want to, this isn't about work. And it's, and you know what, in a way, it's not even about me, this concert, it's about James and him connecting with his fans. He's getting up in years and any tour could be the last one before he retires. And I'm sure he's been saying that forever, but you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity to finally go see Jim Live. Please let us know how it goes. Oh, well, here's our

first question. Hey, Mabin Bam, about two months ago, I got pulled over during my driver's test for pulling out in front. You got pulled over during your driver's test? That's a bad beat. That's a ouch. I normally don't drive this poorly, but the cop who is giving the test made me nervous. How do I stay why they got pulled over? Everyone's going to be like, well, how do I stay chill next time I take it? Wait a minute. Okay, okay, okay. I think the cop, the cop that was giving the test, I think made them stop the test because they pulled out in front of it. Yes. Sorry, are there places where cops give driving tests? That's terrifying. That's a fucking lie. Are you kidding me? You pulled out in front of traffic during a left turn,

not to protect, I assume not to protect the left turn. There's people honking, which is just terrifying. And there's a cop that is going like, nope. It looks like you pulled out in front of traffic. Also, is that weed I smell on you from two years ago? That's right. Never mind the barking dog in the back. Yeah. That's fucking terrifying. I don't know that I could recover from this. I don't know how to move. Is moving to a different, is packing your bags and moving to a state where you can just like take a test from just like some fucking, who usually administers these tests, big fucking old nerd

is like, well, looks like you didn't get the brakes a little bit fast enough, but that's okay because I'm afraid of you. And so here's your license and not a cop. And then you can move back to Arkansas, I suppose. Can you try to drive past a crime? So the cop is like, hold on, hold on for a partner. And he tosses you a shotgun. And it's like, let's get this done. You've got to stop this crime. And afterwards, he's the rock. Yes. He's the rock. And this is the rundown too. And also, like after that, there's no way he's going to fail you. No way. No way. You've been through some shit together. Oh, oh, oh. Okay, wait, marry the,

you got to marry the two situations. The next time this happens, marry the cop. If you pull out in front of traffic, right, you make another infraction and he's like, oh, that's an infraction. You say, no, I saw that person in that car was doing something bad. They were, they were going to go murder someone and I had to stop them. So what seemed like an infraction was actually me doing like a citizen's driving maneuver to stop a future crime. It was a citizen's wreck. Yeah. You don't understand. I had to do it. I had a print. Listen, I had a fucking premonition. Okay. Get off my case. Are you biased against psychics? Here's one you could try. Psych could talk his way out of this, by the way. Psych could do anything.

Psych could talk his way out of this. With the help of his best friend, Dulay Hill. So could Monk and also White Collar. Characters, welcome. Is there ever a crossover episode between Psych and Monk? And maybe White Collar pops out of the end? Got to be. Oh God, I want that so bad now. Please, please bring it back. Make the psych movie, bring Monk back. Bring him back. Burn notices there. At the end, yeah, they try to solve the crime. They're like, we need one more hand then burn notice shows up. What's up on burn notice? Characters, welcome. See you guys over on Royal Pains. That's a different Royal Pains is there. Could you tell like, I think the problem that you're having here is the pressure to succeed.

You need to find a way to release that. So I would say start going to these driving tests, deciding to fail. And when you get into the car, tell the cop, hey, this run, this is a burner test. I ain't going to pass this one. Hang on. I've already got a second appointment scheduled. Yeah, there's a confidence booster. I'm going to do some really going to explore the space out there. And then you pop in your headphones, you play some music, baby driver, this shit, which I still haven't seen, but I assume this is what happens. There's all seem like good options. I'm glad we could help so much. Or just like when you fuck up, just look at him and go poverty's nerve and go for a high five.

And like, he'd be like, oh, you know, you fucked up, but that's really charming. Okay, you're fine. You're fine. You still failed. I have a yahoo here, but I was sent in, it was sent in by a couple of people, level 9000, you have import and Nick Potter. Thank you. Thank you both. It's from your answers, user questions lost in time. Oh, the question is true or false. You have fully explored your entire body at least once. Oh, I will say, can I just say right off the bat, think it. Yeah, really think about it. No, I'm just going to say just form out of the question. I'd like a yahoo answer that's like, listen, you only got two answers. You don't gotta get eloquent here. This is a yes or no

true or false question. It really makes you confront like, this is my body. Obviously, we've been through a lot together, swimming, walking, scrubbing, scrubbing it in the shower. But is there parts of it? I just don't know about. It's like when you're out in the woods and you like, you know, you think like this square foot of land I'm standing on has any human ever stood here before. Yeah. Has anyone walked as a foot to trod this mountain or am I the first? And I think about that every time I touch the back of my knee. Have I touched this inch of my body? That's what I'm saying. I don't think I don't know that I have. I'm thinking there's probably untread ground somewhere there. My body is like an urban area. By and large, there's a lot of

culture and exciting development. Yeah. But there are some places in town that you just don't go. There's some places in my body. I'm just not get free places. There's angles of my body. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if that's that one's for me. Mine has a lot of sprawl. Let me say this. There's bodies, there's parts of my body that are so mysterious that Roman Mars has done an episode about them. It's pretty well hidden from the, it's like, it's at least 75% invisible. I would say that. It's rough out in there. I just think about it. Hey, here's something weird. You guys ever think, I was thinking about this yesterday, that there's organs in your body that you won't see, but you've been carrying them with you forever, but you will never see

your heart or whatever. Maybe through x-rays or MRIs or whatever, but you're just been hauling those things around with you and they could be weird or cool and you just don't know. They're just kind of along for the ride with you forever locked away. This is a thing I've thought about before, Justin. We're like, I've never had any kind of open my body surgery. I've never had any surgery. And I thought like, what if they were to cut me open at like 45 and be like, what is that? Yeah. And I just, like I, I'm like an x-man. Dude, your liver's all weird. Oh man. I've got a whole another organ in there that they've like never seen. It's just like, well, this is new. He's got stomach too. The sequel, the stomach. This is why you could eat all those bagel sandwiches. That don't make

sense. Look at cow stomach in here. There's a lot of chambers. I could have a perfect liver. I might have like the perfect liver and I'd never know. I don't know. You like Tennessee a lot. That's true. No, I mean, not anymore. The slow carb business, it's not compatible with pounding the Hennessy every night. Now, Justin, I'm pretty sure at this point, as long as you've been doing slow carb, if you ever did have some sort of surgery, it would just sort of be like a bean bag situation. Just like a lot of pentose would just come just spilling, spilling out at you. I hear the pentose shuffling around when you walk. I'm just saying. It's gotten a little distracting for sure. A little bit. It's sort of a Maraca

situation. Are there parts of your body you haven't explored? Listen, we're all thinking about it. We're all just, we're all dancing around it, but there's probably a part of the, I mean, the tank, right? I mean, it's the tank for everyone's thinking about the tank. Everybody's thinking about it. Here's something, here's something kind of fun. I could, I would be willing to bet $100 that 100% of the people listen to this episode have in the past three minutes, visualized their own tank. And they have probably thought about the last Taint experience that they had, and they're all visualizing their own Taint. If you visualize your own Taint in the past three minutes, please tweet. I just visualized

my own Taint hashtag in BNBAM. If you want to throw a link to the iTunes page, well, that's all the better. Oh, this will also be fun because we also often get questions about this. If you're like, in like a public setting, maybe like on the subway, or you're just like walking down the street, right now, if you visualize your own Taint, just raise your hand. And if you see someone else, like, oh, they raised their hand for no reason, just walking down the street, you'll know. That's how they'll know. And like, yeah, you'll know like, oh, okay, you're listening to my brother, my brother and me right now. And you thought about your Taint. Cool. I maybe high five them. And not only visualized it, thought about your history with it, for sure. Have I been all over

that? Have I, have I Magellined my Taint? Thought about the intricate setup of mirrors you once did. It's gotta be, it's gotta, you know what? No, I've seen everything my body has to offer. Next question. I picked up a pair of jeans one day and couldn't remember where I had bought them, but they quickly became my favorite pair of jeans. After wearing them a few times, it hit me that there's a chance they were my roommates and they ended up in my laundry by accident. She hasn't said anything and there's a chance I just forgot I bought them. I checked and we don't wear the same size, but I also know that those are just justifications I'm using to avoid possibly having to give up my favorite pair of jeans. What should I do? That's from

Potential Denim Deviant. You're good. You're fine. I really don't know what else to say. They're traveling pants. It's good jeans. Your roommate doesn't care. It's not in the same size, you're good. Traveling pants is the way to go there, Trav. If you are ever caught, like I thought we were in the sisterhood together and they may travel back to you at some point, if I get some cheese stains on them, but right now, they've wandered long enough and they found respite and shelter and we got to let them embrace that. This is something I wish you could do with a roommate, which is like, if I'm traveling to Italy to go to a friend's wedding and it's going to be a difficult time for me, so I stole some of your fucking pants,

because these are my traveling jeans. I think that's what that movie, I think that's how it starts. And this is our traveling wallet that I stole from you. The sisterhood of the traveling identity. The traveling social security number, what's the problem? Listen, I'm going to a wedding, it's going to be tough. I bought a bunch of shit with your Amazon account. I had to live in my dad's place. So they're fine, right? This is an easy one. But I also think that there's a third more mysterious possibility here of like, you don't remember buying them, but they're not your roommate's size. So like, there is a third option that it's neither yours nor your roommates and like, where the fuck did they come from? Sentient alien pretending to be jeans to give a touch,

but thank you just fucking perverts. I'm so sick of these genome. Thank you. And thank you, Philip K Dick for giving aliens the idea to do that. I want to go ahead and give Griffin a bit of a moment here because usually it's mine, but Griffin did just say genomorph. And like, I really want to hang a lantern on that. Nothing. I've been there, Griffin. I know how that feels. I know, Travis. It felt bad. I'm sorry I do that to you so often. You put up pearls before swine so frequently and it just felt so shitty. Yeah, no, that wasn't it. Genomorph was great. And don't get me wrong. I'm going to keep doing it to you, but like in that moment, it just like is weird. No, when you got a rhythm like we have, it's okay if you shit on me from

time to time. By the way, genomorph is a really great roller derby name. If anyone wants to use that and be kind of like alien themes. I mean, I'm already TM'd it so. Oh, well, never mind. How about another question? Yeah, I recently discovered that my brother eats toaster waffles weird. Instead of eating both waffles separately with some kind of spreadable food stuff or syrup, he immediately takes the waffles after they've popped out from the toaster and eats them without any accompanying butter, jam, marmalade, etc. Furthermore, he holds them together as if they're sandwich slices without any actual filling, taking large bites out of both dry waffles at a time. How do I communicate to him that he's doing this wrong? Or is it weird that I find this weird?

And that's from whacked out by waffle weirdness. When y'all started this show, when we started this show, did you think it would turn into a internet forum for us to learn about all the different types of perverts that there are in the world? Because I didn't think it would be that, but that's certainly where we are. I'm into this. I've done exactly this. I enjoy, if I'm going to make a toaster waffle, I just want to wrap it in a paper towel and go to town. I don't want a bunch of accoutre mal. Here's what it is. Here's what it is, Justin, because I felt this way as well, which is I think the brother in question here has recognized like I'm not having a gourmet dinner.

I am getting two frozen toaster waffles because if I don't eat, I'll die. And this is function more than form. I just need to consume this food as quickly as possible so I can continue on with my day so that I don't get cranky around 11.30. Now, I want to hit you with this, Griffin, because you were sort of turning your nose up at this. Does it change the math at all for you? I don't eat plain waffles. If I'm going to eat a toaster waffle, I like them with some fixings. So right now, I've got Spiderman waffles, and they have blue and red berries in them in their shape like webs. And full of spiders, just like lots of spiders. One bite, spiders in your mouth. That's fantastic. And spider in every bite. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. So does that change it

for you if it's like a sweet treat with berries in it to just eat it dry? Does that bother you? If it's, I wasn't imagining just like a flax fucking plain flavorless waffle. I'll tell you what freaks me out. It's the combination of no accoutrements, no syrups, no peanut butters or jellies or jams or butters, and also eating them two at a time, like to quote this amazing turn of phrase from the question, sandwich slices. I just like that, doing both to me. Eating it like it's a sandwich with nothing in the middle is ludicrous to me. It's beyond the pale. I can't, I cannot forgive it or get over it. What if I told you that this brother Griffin was an EMT who had to get out there and save lives and doesn't have time

to put butter on the waffle and syrup and enjoy it like you, like you, they're out there saving lives. You could eat a, you could eat two, if you're going to eat two waffles and you could eat them both in a time it takes you to eat one for stacking technology, it seems irresponsible not to. Yes. I mean, you're fucking, but now you're on some like bullshit Silicon Valley stuff of just like, you don't know got time to eat. You got a program Facebook too. So here's a protein slurry that we can shoot into your mouth with a big gun. Like, no, you got to take time and enjoy your life. You're an EMT, that's fine. Get out there and save lives, but save your own life first because what's life worth living if you don't eat your waffles one at a fucking time with syrup and stuff.

But aren't there some days, aren't there some days where a scientist like knocked on your door and said eat this pill and you won't need to eat for the next 24 hours and you'll get all the nutrients you need and you'll feel totally full and satisfied and you'll like be able to like really focus on getting shit done today. Not every day. Not every day. Eating's the best. Eating's my favorite. I saw that in an episode of Garfield when we went to the future and everybody was eating food pills. And what was the lesson he learned? What was the lesson he learned? Because I bet he was like, what about my lasagna? That's what he was like. He was like, fuck this, I'm going back to the past. And it was the first time that the F word was used on TV and it was very unscripted. It was live.

Griffin, you have to remember and I don't know if you're old enough to remember this. I once, I grew up in a house like where I once watched my dad eat a pop tart with butter on it. Like he put butter on a pop tart. So it's like very hard to sort of trip me out with breakfast methodology. I guess it's just, it's just slow down, y'all. You only get one go. Put some syrup on some shit. That's it. That's all I'm gonna say. We get one go. YOLO. Syrup your shit up. What if it was a syrup sandwich? What is that? What have you just said? Two waffles, syrup in the middle, squish it together, syrup sandwich. It's gonna be a mess, but it's better than nothing. What if you made syrup infused butter?

I don't do that much syrup on my shit anymore, actually. I'm more of a peanut butter and jam kind of man because one time, it was just when we had gotten Cecil, our cat, I put some syrup on a waffle and it slipped off my plate and landed on the cat's syrup side down. That cat fucking hates my guts still. And it's because of that. And I don't blame him like, yeah, I don't blame him. What a shitty day. Waffles are kind of bullshit. The first time the inventor of the waffle, Ed Waffle, invented it, the first time he tried to spread butter on it, he should have gone back to the fucking drawing board and just said like, this, this didn't work out. I just tried it and like, this didn't work. You guys, are you ready? Are you ready for my new

invention that I just come up with? Waffle iron, smooth on one side for the butter, waffles on the other for the syrup. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's just like, yeah, choose your own adventure. That's so good, Trav. That's so good. You spread the butter onto the flat side and then you flip it and dip it and then you fill every one of those crannies with that golden juice. Yeah. Oh my God. This is good, Travis. I'm so, wow. Wow. That's good. Name it so you can TM it real quick. Uh, the waffle. Okay. No, it's a flat waffle. No, you fucked up. Oh, damn it. Uh, let's, how about, can I, can I just breakfast, breakfast friend? Breakfast friend. The name of the tool is the breakfast friend. A little general, like I, if I buy something

that got a breakfast friend and it does this one thing, it's not a great friend. It's just sort of like a very, very single minded friend. Future waffle, future waffle love sounds. Yep. Travis McRoy presents waffle friend. A Travis McRoy joint. So what about a waffle box, the pancake blow? Yeah. A waffle box, the pancake blow is really, really good. Okay. Spiderman waffles. Those are yours. Groot waffles. I am Groot waffles. Everybody loves that little guy. Groffles. Groffles, Janine Garoffelos. And it comes with a cereal, like Cheerios and that's the O's that you pour on top of.

Why didn't Janine Garoffelos ever get her own cereal? It's not too late. Janine Garoffelos, tasty waffles. And it's just like it's waffles flavor and cheering. Can we call him Mark Garoffelos? She's just wearing a chef's outfit. Hi, I'm Mark Garoffelos and this is my partner Janine Garoffelos and we want to present to you Garoffelos and Waffles Waffles. Coming, coming this fall, look forward to it is my new potato chip brand and it is just called Ruffelos. It's not as good. I came up with it early and I'm in debt. Janine had been talking about it. I think that's all the jokes.

We're going to have to fund these new inventions somehow, so let's take a trip on down to the money town. I would like to tell y'all about our sponsor this week, one of them, Squarespace. I have on Squarespace right now, I think four or five different websites I've set up there. It's so easy and convenient. Just started a new project with my friends here in Cincinnati where we're doing like a puzzle bar crawl where you move from bar to bar and get different puzzles to tell you the next place to go. That sounds fun. Yeah, and I set up a website on Squarespace with the registration. You can pay the registration fee through there, find all the information. I even was able to set up puzzles where you have to enter the answer to get to the next page.

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meundies.com slash my brother. I'm wearing those. I don't know if y'all are down on this experience. MeUndies lounge pants right now? Fuck me. It's just like a big pair of meundies that are pants also and they're real good. Hey, can I tell you about Wink? Please do. I'm going to do it real quick. Did you hear that? That was the sound of my, that's the sound I make when I wink. Oh god. Yeah, they say to do it, do that. Good to a doctor. Formerly, you may know this project formerly as Club W. It gives you access to exceptional wines from around the world. They base the wines that they send you on your taste preferences and will introduce you to new custom wines that are not available anywhere else. We've gotten a few bottles from

them before and I'm not like a huge wine drinker. I enjoy drinking wine. I just like don't know how to get good stuff. Like I don't know what is good because I'm a child, but all the stuff they send has been like really, really great. You can join for free skip any month of deliveries that you want and cancel anytime and they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee. So you never pay for a bottle you don't like. You can just go to trywink.com and that is spelled T-R-Y-W-I-N-C. It's wink with a C.com and take a brief palette profile quiz and Wink will recommend wines customized to your palette to be shipped directly to your door every month. And right now they're offering listeners 20 bucks off your first order when you go to trywink.com slash my brother. They'll

even cover the cost of shipping. That's trywink again. T-R-Y-W-I-N-C.com slash my brother to get 20 bucks off your first order now plus complimentary shipping. Trywink.com slash my brother. We've got some personal messages here. First is for Geeklycon. It's a weekend long gathering of friends who love podcast, tabletop gaming, video games. I like those things and generally having fun. In 2017 Geeklycon will be in St. Louis from July 20th to the 23rd. Geek me in St. Louis, Louis. It's a little joke. Very little. Geeklycon is an open-minded and welcoming group and we invite you to come and meet your new best friends. Now tickets are selling fast so you're going to want to go to geeklycon.com to order one before they are sold out. This will be a

great event and I think everybody should go. Michael, one of the guys who has done so much web design for us over the years, puts it on and he's a real sweetheart so you should go check it totally out. Geeklycon.com. I have a personal message here and it's for Adam. Happy birthday to my favorite husband and it's from Tabatha, your favorite wife. This is the first time I think anybody using a Jumbotron has ever snuck a secret message into the name field. It's like that great 1-800-collect commercial where the guy's like, we oughta baby it's a boy. You remember that one? Yeah, I do actually. Oh god, why do I remember that? We oughta baby it's a boy. I can't remember my wife's phone number but I can remember that commercial. What's wrong with me? It's so funny.

Anyway, Adam, Tabatha has this message for you. Thanks for sticking with me through all my podcast obsessions and even joining me in some. I couldn't think of anything better than to have the brothers wish you a great year. You're always supportive and kind even with a grumpy, that's just my face, face and a sigh, winky emoticon. It's the sound it makes again, I'm sorry. PS, I'm buying this on my B-day since they opened 2017 today. Now that's love. What a love. What an exceptional love. Buying somebody a birthday present on your dang birthday. That is such an amount of foresight that I cannot even comprehend. I do it every year. We oughta baby it's a boy. So good. I'm so glad you bring that great gag to a new generation. Hello, Amita Patel. Hello, Sean David Johnson.

What's going on? I think a friend of mine may have chronic pop culture deficiency syndrome. Oh no, PCDS. What are the symptoms? Well, she doesn't know Wakanda from Westeros. Shameful. And she keeps confusing Aziz Ansari and Riz Ahmed. Oh my gosh, so sad. Kind of racist too, but what did you tell her to do? I told her to listen to our podcast, Inside Pop, of course. Fantastic idea. A weekly dose of Inside Pop will help anyone discover the best in TV, film and music. Suffer from PCDS? No more. Inside Pop has you covered every Wednesday on Max Fun. How about a yahoo? Please. This one was sent in by level 9000, Yadru, Drew, Drew Davenport, thank you, Drew. It's from Yadru answers user Max Tyler. Sometimes I can

sense a smile in you when you begin to read these and I always get very excited. They're just really good. In a war between centaurs, why did I say it like that? I figured it was misspelled and you were giving the person shit. Centaurs. You're saying them centaurs and unicorns in a war between centaurs and men on horses who would win. By the way, it would be in a fantasy world with swords, spears, bows and arrows and such like thanks in advance. This question is fucking on point. Okay, I really, I'm not going to just start, let's not do the thing we always do where we just start running our fucking mouths before we actually think about it. We're going to take, I'm sorry listener, perhaps you have a 15 second skip button on your player. Let's give

ourselves 15 seconds to just fucking think about this for a second. I have a bit of filler for the audience to think about while we think about it. Do you think the first time a centaur sees a person on horseback get off the horse, they just start screaming in terror? That would be very scary. All right, shut your fucking gob and think about this. Okay, think about it. Ready, go. I've got my, I got my answer. Okay, okay, I think I'm ready. I'm ready too. Three, two, one, men on horses. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. And here's, here's how I came to this conclusion. Centaurs is one big beautiful beast and don't get me wrong, big beautiful beast love

it. And there's certainly a thing you put in the pro column of just like full synthesis, full integration, full integration. You're going to have, there's going to be even the most beautiful domesticated horse with the most beautiful like connection with a jockey, even if they're in the fucking drift together, there's going to be, yeah, you've petted them every time they've turned left or stopped for you at the right time. You know what I mean? All the hearts exploded around their heads. There's a breakpoint there of just how good that relationship can be. There's a loss of control there somewhere. But the thing I just can't get over is centaurs have one hit point and a man and a horse have two. Yeah, it's hard to deny that if you take out a centaurs legs,

then it's done. If you take out the man on horseback's legs, he's got another sort of methodology he can employ. I was thinking of spears, right? You throw a spear through a centaur. You've hit the centaur. You would have to throw that spear really good to get it through dood and horse. You know what I mean? Now, here's the question though, Griffin, in that case, if the centaur takes out person, is the horse like, I'm going to keep fighting? Or is the horse like, thank God, bye. Wow, this is actually a fucking great point because this gets back to that animal rider's synthesis. If the man is killed, does horse continue the fight? I think that it takes a special kind of horse. Like a really, just a murder sea biscuit, a murder biscuit, if you will.

What is the horse going to do? Well, Daryl's down. I guess he'll go eat all their oats, so they won't have any for later. I'm going to burn their homes. Whoa, horse. What you just said is racist. The centaur's would eat oats. Actually, you know it's not because I eat oats sometimes. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, everybody likes oats, except for me, who only eats beans. Now, if the horse ate all my beans, then we'd have a fucking issue. Yeah, you'd have a real problem. This is a fucking good point. I think this might change the equation a little bit because if you get a centaur in the horse meat, then I think they might be able to keep going a little bit, right? If you get a man, there's very little meat I have

that if attacked with a big spear, I could keep the fire. You know what I mean? But a centaur, there's a lot of extra stuff on there. Shit, because if you take me out, my horse is done. My horse isn't going to do anything to his centaur. Yeah. And also, you do have to get into the question of where the centaur is keeping their vital organs. Because I have no idea. If it's all in the human section, then you could just keep taking arrows to the horse meat and brush it off. Your horse takes one arrow. He's going to be like, actually, I thought about it. Fuck all you guys. I'm actually leaving. Goodbye. I'm sorry. I know we're two souls intertwined in the most magical relationship possible, but I actually am going to go ahead and dip because this sucks.

This sucks. I'm out of here. Here's who answers user Robin, whose profile image is just the word Irish, says centaurs would win because they can use the bow and arrows better than humans can. That's if there was a real war between centaurs versus human, they would all be dead. Now I'm thinking about the fact that centaurs would be better with the bow and arrows. That's you cannot bring in those facts. We do not know what kind of training anybody has in this. That has to be a zero something. Is there something about the integration of human and horse that makes them inherently better at archery? I'm confused. I know that I know that like lore-wise centaurs are amazing archers, but I'm talking like we're talking about a real war here. You

know what I mean? Not some fantasy. We're talking about real centaurs, okay? Yeah. I think I've changed my answer. Okay, wait a minute. We're talking about a war, not a battle, not a skirmish, a war. You cannot like look at the civil war, right? Look at how important like predicting troop movement was in that war and it led to several lopsided battles and sort of predicting where the enemy was going to be. I'm sure that's true for any war. I've just read more books about the civil war. So if you can assume that centaurs are going to be more mobile and going to be able to sort of be in other places like faster than the humans, then like in terms of like troop formation and sort of moving your resources around, the centaurs might actually

have an advantage there. Oh, not only that, Justin, but speaking of resources, you only got to feed a centaur once. Yes, exactly. You got to feed a dude and a horse separately. That's double the food. Fuck. Okay. And centaurs are probably just eating apples. So whoa. Okay. Whoa. I mean, yeah. And I terrain, I was going to say something about terrain being an issue for a centaur, but like you've got to bring your horses. So it's like, can't be, that's equal. But there is the issue. Now, okay, you do have to imagine though that the caloric load of a centaur, it's tremendous. It's tremendous. I mean, it's not going to be one to one, but there are certainly some efficiencies. Strike it, strike it from the pro list. It's gone.

It's gone. Is there something to be said about the styles of combat that humans beings have that centaurs do not have, right? Like a centaurs essentially, it's all cavalry, no infantry. And so like you, the human beings dismount the horses and you put those like poles to the spikes on the ground, sticking out towards the horses. You could, you could build a, you could build like a centaur barricade pretty well, I feel like. Another thing is that centaurs, very little stealth capabilities, I feel like, very little gorilla combat available to them. You go into woods and you, they're playing on an ambush and all you hear is like, you know, like fucking centaurs here. Everybody stay frosty. Let's just open up the big book that nobody is willing to look

at, but I'm going to pull it off the shelf, blow the dust off, and it's a big book labeled espionage. And that's going to be extremely difficult for a human, but feasible. If you got the right costume, you could maybe pull it off. If you're a centaur double agent, no one is fooled. There's just no, you just draped some, some fucking jeans around your torso. And it'll be like, that's a weird way to ride a horse. Like, don't you judge me, me and this animal? Where's your horse's head? Don't worry about it. It's in the jeans with me. And Justin, I'm sorry, but I'll tell you who's fooled. A horse. Yeah. The human might not be, but the horse is like, Hey, I'm going to come hang out with you guys here. You're all horses.

What's that tranquilizer, tranquilizer, tranquilizer. Let's go. Right. And you're in there. Also, here's the thing. We can't separate. I don't think it's fair in this discussion to talk about human separate from horse versus centaur. Because like, that's not the question. It's person on horse. That has to be it. That has to be it. That's the only fucking thing we got going for us in this fight. And you want to tie a hand behind our back? No way. It's a plus and a minus. Well, but then the centaurs are going to partner with some fairies and shit. And like, they're in there. No, come on. You're confusing this fucking conversation for no reason. My ability to get off a horse is the only thing separating me from centaurs. This is their ability to factor in.

And their connection, their deep connection, is the advantage over us. It's the one defining fact. Now, I do, I will grant Travis that I think that allowing for humans to sort of build traps and what have you is against the spirit. I think it's against the spirit of the question. I think the assumption has to be anytime these two are fighting, it is definitely man on horse. Who's fucking sight are you on in this thing? Because it sounds like you're like anti-human now. I'm just torn about it, Griffin, because the thing is, if they do separate and can separate, it also lends the centaurs an advantage. Because if they get the drop on the humans, it could be a massacre. I mean, I could fuck up a centaur. Hold on. This is fucked up. This is

fucked up. Can we agree? Like, I think what we have to all accept now is the ultimate is a person centaur team up. Hold on. Right? I did not expect this West Side Story bullshit. This is a love story that blossoms here. But imagine that. Think about riding a horse and being able to also strategize with them and be like, you go left, I'll go right, you pick me back up, and then we're like, I have a short, I have a very short list of people in my life where if I was a centaur, I would be okay with them riding me. It's very short. And boys, I don't know if you're on it. It's really short. Give me a bit more time on this low-carb diet, we'll see. It may be a little more valuable. It's not a weight thing. It's not a weight thing. Because first of all, if I was a

centaur, I would have the most beautiful, strong, proud back, and I can carry anybody. Why do you not think that your centaur form would be a reflection of your current uber-fragile, no hot food allowed human state? I don't see why you're crying yourself. No, no, no. Stomach acid all of a sudden. Big, beautiful, proud, strong back I can carry anybody. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with my pride, I guess. Wait, who would you? Well, who's at the top of your list? Who's number one? Yes, yes, yes. I mean, it was in our vows and you guys were at the wedding, so you know Rachel. I mean, my son, but after, I mean, it's dangerous up there, big, strong back, and he can't really sit up so good yet. I'm going to say Joe Biden's at

the top of my list. Joe Biden's up there for me, too. I mean, that goes without saying, just because I think he probably does have some sort of equestrian experience. And he'll call himself Joe Ryden, which is like, oh, Joe, that's so good. Now, are we assuming that the first time they meet, there is no period in which the centaurs are sort of swept up, or sorry, the humans are sort of swept up in the majesty and beauty of seeing centaurs for real. We're going to lose a lot of humans just from that sort of shock factor. Oh, see, I think the opposite. I think humans, what we know about humans in, you know, now is like the immediate distrust of like, no, we're just going to go ahead and just start the war. I think humans start the war. I think

centaurs will definitely start the war. The humans will be more upset by the sort of like fear of the outsider here. Then centaurs are going to be about the blasphemy of humans riding horses. That will disgust them. And here's a here's a factor we've never considered in this argument yet. What makes us think this war gets going, this war is popping off? What makes us think that the horses are going to stay on our fucking side? Oh, fuck. You're right. I think that's the deciding factor here. I think maybe they'll stick with us for a while, right? Just because it's what they know, we give them sugar cubes. But after a minute, they see this other way of living. And they're like, Hey, you know what? You keep me in a big jail and feed me sugar

cubes only. Bye. If that happens, we're fucked. If that happens, we're done. Like we're done. The only way to get a grasp on the situation is to tighten the grip. And I'm fucking uncomfortable with that. I don't want to win like that. No, Griffin, I think we need to build more trust with our horses now. We've got to promise them liberty. We've got to promise them freedom if they help us win this war. Well, this is like the beginning of a Planet of the Eighth Snoopy. We're like us working with horses is what leads to centaurs. And then we have to fight our own like that's the future. The centaurs. Okay, Travis, are you suggesting and I think you are and I'm just going to pretend you are if you aren't, are you suggesting that over that this

water takes quite a while? And in an underground bunker hidden from the eyes of centaur and more faithful humans alike, scientists decide that we have to the only recourse is to breed our own race of centaurs in the exact way that you think that that would happen. Yes. And then we send them back to start to like fight the war for us at the beginning. This is like a Terminator situation. Boys, I'm thinking about those early centaurs. There's going to be some whoopsies in there, huh? Oh, wait a minute. It's just a fucking horse body for hooves. And then just like at the armpits, it starts right at the end of the top hose. And the dude's arms and head just hanging down like, Oh, yes. Oats me, dog. Can you imagine a centaur with horse body, horse neck, human

head, no torso, just human head on horse neck. Imagine horse body, no neck or head, but then the human torso and arms and human head are coming out of the side of the horse body. Oh, no. He's just always stunting off the side. This is true. Centaurs are always seen with like upright, you know, spine from where the neck would be. What if it's just straight out continuation? There's flat looking downward. Travis, I'm going to go with your plan. We send the centaurs back in time to begin the war, but we send them back too far. And what do they do? They continue to breed. And then what do we find out? That's right. The centaurs that we're fighting in present day are the descendants of the

centaurs that we ourselves invented and sent back in time. When will we learn? It will be on hubris. Someone needs to stop us. We need to stop making mix ups in God's Chipotle and just kind of accept what we have on earth. Stop throwing the beans and rice around in the good Lord's good Lord's Chipotle. Yeah. Try to be satisfied with what we get. Appreciate every day. The every day is a gift. That's why it's called the present. Maybe the centaurs deserve to win. I think the centaurs deserve to win. I think it's time to give someone else a shot. Yeah, we had a chance. We screwed. We've already screwed this pooch. I think it's time to give somebody else a chance at running things. I'm talking about these centaurs. I cannot stop thinking.

I cannot stop thinking about a side saddle centaur. That is the most grisly life I could ever ever envision. Horse head human body. I mean, good. That's good. It's good. Yeah, you never really think about that. The perfect blend probably took quite a few generations of experimentation. Well, folks, that's going to do. That's going to do it for us. Oh, shit. That was like 25 minutes of horse. That's our whole episode. We hope you enjoyed this discussion because it was half the show and the ones before it also were there. Hey, listen, I'm going to be doing Saw Bones live in Philadelphia and I would really like it. It's going to be next or this coming weekend, I guess by the time you listen to this, if you could come out and

What day is that? That is going to be Sunday and you can get tickets. The 16th or the 9th because this is coming out on the 10th. Yeah, it's the 16th, Sunday the 16th. It's going to be at 2 p.m. at the Trocadero Theater. Tickets are like 2450, I think, Sunday, July 16th. That's part of the Philly Podcast Festival. Saw Bones is going to be live and you can get tickets at bit.ly.com. Come out and say hi. It should be fun. It's the middle of the afternoon. It's an all-ages show. No swearing to the best of our ability. Fobhouse is going to be there too. Get tickets to see them and come out and see me. We are also, of course, doing our live shows at San Diego Comic-Con

coming up in just a couple of weeks. If you have questions for my brother and my brother and me show, make sure to send them in with the subject SDCC live show. Maybe we'll see you there as we're walking around and stuff. I want to thank John Rodger and the Long Winters for these for our theme song It's a Departure, which is a song off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's a very, very good song, a very good album. We're very grateful. We're able to use it here on this show. I also want to thank Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximumfun.org and check out all the great shows there like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Lady to Lady and Dead Pilot Society and One Bad Mother and all the great shows there. We also do a bunch of other

podcast and video stuff that you can find at McElroyShows.com. That it? Yeah? Yeah, I think it's going to do it. This finally, Yahoo! was sent in by Zoe Kinski. Right in high, Zoe Kinski. It's from Yahoo! Answers user, Christian, who asks, Is Minecraft based on a true story? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, school, wear on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. How many times has this happened to you? Oh man, if only I knew whether it was better to be too hot or too cold or who the best James Bond was, that girl would have gone out with me.

Now you can with We Got This With Mark and Hal, the podcast from Maximumfun.org every Tuesday. Hey, Lois, it's Joey. The best James Bond was Daniel Craig and it's better to be too cold than too hot. Thanks We Got This With Mark and Hal. Only on Maximumfun.org or wherever you get fine podcasts.