My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 368: The Sun Shines On Our Dark Planet!

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Justin, Travis and Dane are back again to talk about the few blissful minutes of sun our world received on this blessed rotation. Justin also pitches a very, VERY whimsical story about food that isn't rocks!!! Can you imagine!?!? Suggested talking points: The Sun Day, Time Chunks, Personal Pan Immunity, Pizza Daniel, News Spoilers, Pancake Trap, Doober Dads, Kevin James' Height Correction, Principal Theft

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin T. Lawn McElroy. I am your babyist brother, Travis Patrick McElroy, and I'm your Uncle Dane. Uncle Dane, welcome to the show for your, wow, is this your 300th episode with us?

It's my 300th episode and my brother's children, I'm so happy to be here with both of you today in the studio space. Such an exciting place to be with you, my nephews. So I guess everybody was able to celebrate today, the brief time at which our son was uncovered, happened around two o'clock my time. We got to see sunlight for once every 100 years. Now, I missed it because a bunch of mean school kids locked me in a closet. Yeah, it was a real fart in the face, but 2024. Those kids at Bradbury High are so fucking cold. They're such ding-dongs. But anyway, did you all see? You're a teacher there, Uncle Dane. You shouldn't let the kids treat you like that.

I know, but my body's so small. So I heard a thing on news that said that when the sun came out, there was a weird sort of radio interference and everybody pretty much across the world was hearing what they call podcasts, which sounds like our data orbs, how we project the show out on a data orb. We were receiving a lot of podcasts and they suggested, I heard this thing called Radio Lab, and then this one podcast called Serial, but not like the food stuff. And they suggested that ours might also be projected out through the sun using the sun as some sort of weird con to it. Did President Jerry O'Connell make a statement about this? Did he have anything to say about it? He's our go-to science expert. Yeah, and he did a lot of Sliders references,

and I thought that that might be a fun vein for us to tap into as well. I thought it was a little bit weird that he used Twogger to just put it out there. I guess it was about 38 Twogs. It's weird that he's not taking to a stage or something more formal rather than using social media. Frankly, it's weird seeing anybody use Twogger for anything other than just complimenting each other and being really, really nice to each other, which is, of course, in this world. And I don't know why I said in this world, but in this world, just sort of the way that everyone uses Twogger. To be fair, though, President O'Connell has never been a traditional, I mean,

after he broke the country up into eight different countries, at that point, using Twogger to make announcements isn't really that big a deal if you think about it. So, boys, the question on everybody's mind is, how did you spend the sun period? Locked in a closet by bully children. I literally just said it. Okay. Obviously, Uncle Dane is on one of his cantankerous rants. Dane's drops that he does. Dane's veins. Listen, I'll be the first one to go against the grain here. This is one of Dane's grains where I'm going against it and rubbing up against, because I know everybody's always saying how great millennials are. I'll be the first one to say

that I think there's some issues here. And I'll be the first one to highlight those. Some downtown Dane. I can't even get on board with you, Dane, because think about all the things that millennials have saved. They've saved the napkin industry. They've saved the housing industry. They've saved the magazine industry. They've saved everything. This might be a weird thing to say, because we're literally just saying things that happened today on this very special day where the sun came out. And we're just saying the truth, right? But for some reason, I feel this thing in my gut where this bit isn't working. And which is weird, because we're just saying the truth. We're just literally talking about what our day was like.

Hey, wait, but did you guys see Better Off Ted last night? Every season gets better and better and better. Every season gets better and better, and they've been going for so many seasons now. And you would think up against Firefly, they'd never be able to stay on there, but the two of them work together. Really, that's the thing. Interestingly, I love the crossover episodes between Better Off Ted and Firefly. And I remember the first time they did a crossover episode, I think it was the first of like 20 at this point. And it was like, what is ridiculous? But once you explain the matter transference technology that they had developed, I was like, oh yeah, okay, totally get it.

All right, listen, we've talked about banal things that are a very common place for us. Oh, we haven't long enough. I feel like we didn't really hit on an intro topic, though. Should we do like a watch? We could talk about the Pushing Daisy's movie that's coming out. Yeah, we're all very excited about that. Travis, all of our intro bits have always been so great every time that it seems like one clunker is not really going to upset the orange cart, I would say. I would love to talk to you all about this new tentacle moistener I've been using for my tentacles. I actually like I kind of like my tentacles scaly and dry, frankly, but different strokes.

My friend and I were hanging out one day and I asked her for the time. She said, oh, it's almost seven in the afternoon. I was confused and said, oh, you mean seven in the evening? She said, no, it's seven in the afternoon. She even said that her friends also call it seven in the afternoon and prove that after 7 p.m., it's technically always afternoon. Well, after 12 p.m., it's what the question says. After 12 p.m., it's technically always afternoon until 12 a.m. Am I in the wrong or is she? That's from stuck in time in California. Now, this is very interesting because for me, without the sun, it becomes very hard. I don't put a lot of value in this one. We're playing Calvin Ball. There's something wrong with our categorization of time chunks because it goes

morning and that can go from fucking 12.01 a.m. to like 11.59 a.m. That's literally half the day. And then it's noon for one minute and then I guess it's afternoon until like what, five? And then it's evening and then it's night. And it's not efficient. It's not efficient enough, I don't think. There are some periods. See, I would argue that 12 a.m. is not morning. That is not morning. Like that is not the morning. The morning is, I would argue at 5 a.m. Now, if you talk about like three to five, that period I think could go either way. If you're still up, it's the evening. But if you have like a really early gig, it's the morning. So that's very confusing. I think what we need to do is we need to start designating that time as like a zero. Like that is a nothing

time. That is a time during which nothing should occur. 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. should be left blank. Yeah, shouldn't exist. That is like, if you see that, there's an episode of a Twilight Zone where they somehow got out of time and they could see the people building the next minute. That's what 3 to 5 a.m. is. 3 to 5 a.m. is the time at which nature reverts back to nothing to build the new day. You shouldn't be there. Have you ever noticed at 3 a.m. to 5 a.m., if you see like a raccoon or a deer, they give you this look like, can we not? Yeah, this is ours. Right now, can we have a second, please? Let me hit you with this. Breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time, sleep time. Those are the new categorizations. I just wish that science would have broken time down by now into

like smaller chunks, like 24 chunks that you could much clearer say the time rather than just having to say afternoon or even like if only we had some sort of system that everybody pretty much universally understood that we could use that was very specific and even within maybe those chunks you had even smaller chunks that allowed us to know what time it is. We do have those. We do have those and they did say it in the question and so I'm confused like... No, no, I know. Sorry, that was not an alternate joke. That was sarcasm. That was... See, I got confused because I thought it was an alternate. I don't always say alternate because it's our truth or reality. I think we've edited the past two minutes out anyway,

so I think that we're fine. I've been developing a new skill set called sarcasm. It's never been used before. I've just developed it. Sounds really funny. That was great. How about a yahoo? Do you know how everyone here is sincere all the time and like just says what they mean and is very direct? What do you mean by here? That's confusing. Like, you know how everybody says what they mean all the time? What if they didn't? I call it lying. Here's a yahoo from the really successful and widely respected Yahoo Answers service. It was sent in by a few people. First one to send it and I think was Aaron Palmer. Thank you, Aaron. It's from Yahoo Answers user Bill who asks, Could the police still arrest me if I had plans to get a pizza delivered to me?

If the police show up at my door and arrest me for a crime, I did. But at the same time, I was waiting for a pizza that I ordered that didn't come yet. What will happen? What if I tell the police that I need to wait for my pizza to be delivered and if I had plans for someone to come over? Would the police still be able to wait for me before arresting me? What if I really need time to do something important on the day I am getting arrested? Anytime you've ever seen someone run from the cops, they're usually running to pizza. That's if they have got a pizza in the oven, they don't want their perfect pizza hot record. You know how pizza hot keeps a record of everybody whether or not they come to get their pizzas and it's like

they have the streak board up where it's like Justin has picked up his pizza when he said he was going to every single time for the past like 20 visits. You just don't want to lose your pizza streak. So you're running to go get the pizza. Everyone knows that's not necessarily a way for the cops. Sir, you are under arrest. No, I'm sorry. My boy Dylan's coming over just ordered a pizza. We were gonna play Mortal Kombat. Oh, sounds like a chill hang, sir. Sorry, we didn't. We'll just come back tomorrow. You have the right to have a chill hang and play with Sub-Zero and Scorpion and all their friends. Everyone knows if you are standing on a pizza, you have personal pan diplomatic immunity and that's just straight up. That's just straight up and then because like

first of all, you have to ruin a pizza to do it or at least two footprint shaped parts of the pizza are going to be no good after that. You could eat around the footfalls. But yeah, if you're standing on a pizza, you're untouchable. Can't do it. Can't do it. That's in the Constitution. That's in that's why the New York police were never able to arrest the Ninja Turtles. You know what I mean? They always tried to. They're like, oh, we have to get these vigilantes. Oh, damn it. Hey, they did do a lot of vigilante justice and probably ran afoul of some some statutes. They murdered a lot. Could they arrest the turtles even without their personal pan diplomatic immunity? First of all, they'd need big wrist cuffs, big, big handcuffs as some people call them.

They would need big, big wrist cuffs to get around their big meaty wrists and hands and palms and stuff. But they would also have to be very fast, Griffin, because you go for the wrist and they're inside the shell. You know what I mean? Like, oh, get those arms back out here. In a recent live show, we talked about my realization that you cannot arrest a dog for a crime and therefore furries are just running Griff's 24-sev. Right? I think the turtles are on a very similar vein because it's like, you have the right to wait. That's a turtle. Jerry, Jerry, we can't arrest a fucking turtle. What are we talking about here? What are we put on the paperwork? Gorillaz are so smart. And the thing we got to be careful about when we're teaching them sign

language, which I love and is adorable. I loved watching that gorilla sign about how sad it was that it's cat died. Oh, yeah. So good. Classic. How tripped out would you be if one time, like, you were signing with the gorilla and just going over the basics of human society and the girl was like, so can I get arrested for stuff? And the person signed, no, I guess not your gorilla. And the gorilla's like, I'll be right back. And you can't, you can't arrest the gorillas. But, but big turtle gets arrested for nunchuck crimes. Do maybe they go to zoo. Okay. All right. Well, that is more, yeah. I think zoo is animal jail. Maybe I'm just still working on this. Can police, can police still arrest me if I had plans to get a pizza

delivered to me? Arms, hands up. Here's my badge. I'm showing you my badge. She'll let you know. And it's like, okay, here's my Domino's Pizza Tracker. Fucking chill for a minute. Can you chill for a minute? That's the trick, Griffin. You can do this, but to pull this off, you have to time it so that you call for the pizza, then commit the crime. Like you can't commit the crime first because then. Double jeopardy. Yeah. Cause then clearly, like, no, we get to arrest you first. You didn't have, but if the pizza was already like in the works and then you committed the crime, you can't be arrested till the pizza consumption is complete. And that's the, that's how you get them. Cause they're like, all right, your pizza's here. Fucking yummy down. And let's go to the

pokey. And you're like, okay. Ah, little bite. Oh, it's so hot. Oh, gotta blow on the cheese. Gotta blow on the cheese. All of a sudden you're at your fucking, you know, your daughter's wedding and you're still holding the slice with a detective right behind you. And you're still blowing on that cheese and that old stinky pizza. And then the detector's like, oh, you're done. And you're like, oh, no, still got the crust. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. The Domino's Pizza Tractor used to say who was making your pizza. And for a period of about three years, um, back when this service first debuted, uh, every time we got Domino's, and I was younger than, so it was a lot of times, uh, every time I got Domino's, it was made by Daniel.

Pizza Daniel. Pizza Daniel. Thank you. Yes. Pizza Daniel. And we got pretty obsessed with the idea that this guy Daniel is working there all the time and making all the pizzas pretty much. And then recently, like fairly recently, uh, I got a Domino's pizza order and knock, knock, knock, open the door. Who is that delivering the pizza? But a man named Daniel. How did you get that data? How did you, hi, here's your pizza. Cool. What's your, what's your name partner? I had a name tag on talking about, yeah, I had a name tag on. And I was so, I was so sort of like, I couldn't tell if it had been a promotion or a demotion. It doesn't seem like a good resource to take him out the oven, right? Like, yeah, like, but, but maybe writing the oven is like

being a desk jockey for cops. Like, in the field, unless you're getting out there slinging crust. Daniel, you're so good at delivering pizza. You got to hear so fast. Why, why haven't you been doing this the whole time? I shot a kid. Okay. The first of all, like, what you shouldn't be allowed to be in public, you should be, you should be in, in, in zoo, I think, because he did a really bad job. I don't think that the pizza delivery people, this isn't fucking snow crash. You don't, you shouldn't have a fucking samurai sword. What are you talking about pizza, Daniel? I'm a junior in college and recently, while in a math class, I was talking with some fellow students about some political news.

Mistake. Mistake. This is when things get real wild. The girl sitting a few desks over turned us and said, no spoilers. I haven't watched the news yet. After recovering from uncontrollable laughter, I tried explaining to her that there aren't spoilers in real world events. All evidence to the contrary, I will say. A lot of spoilers out there. But she said she would just put in headphones until class started so we could continue talking, and she could still be surprised by the news later that day. Am I good? Is she good? Have I been having the wrong attitude towards news all my life? Or should I try to explain this person that discussing actual political events doesn't qualify as a spoiler? Please help.

That's from politically perplexed in the Pacific Northwest. I am, I do not know what's wilder. That this person thinks that people can spoil the news for her before she watches it, or that she willingly sits down and says, I'm going to ingest some news now. The news has got to fucking find me. News has got to track news. You got me again, news. It's all news. This person's a sentient Portlandia sketch, I think. This is, this is like, there's no such thing as news spoilers. If you, if somebody is talking about current events near you and you hear it and receive it, it's just more news. That's news. That's what news is. I would like to acknowledge and then move away from the possibility that this person just

didn't want to hear you talk about politics. And this was like, they're out of like, oh, well, yeah, we need to always skip over that. We always need to cognizant of the fact that somebody might just be very funny. Let me tell you why you are both wrong. Oh, and I'm going to connect it very simply. You wouldn't find this weird if this was a big sports game. No, but I'm not affected in any way. That's a real life event, Griffin. If there's a real life event that people don't want spoiled for them, that's only two steps away from a new bill getting signed. Yeah, but I mean, if I'm not affected by like, the Buffalo bills scored a cool touchdown as much as I am by the fact that fucking Steve Bannon unzipped his skin suit and revealed he was a

fucking toilet literally the whole time, a toilet with arms and legs. Now that actually did happen, Griffin. And we didn't really delve into that in the introduction. Yeah. That was strange. You arrest a toilet. I think this person is just very funny. I think this was a very funny joke, right? This seems like a very fun. This seems like a person you should probably try to hang with. Especially if you are being literal about your uncontrollable laughter. If you laughed uncontrollably in this person's face and they still continue to be like, well, better put my headphones in so I don't find out about what happened this morning on CNN, like that's a very funny person, I think. Yeah. How about another Yahoo? Hit me. This one was sent in by Nick Potter.

Thank Nick. Thank Nick. It's Yahoo answers. Yeah, it's from Yahoo answers user Oscar Smith. And Oscar Smith says, my neighbor is cooking some pancakes next door. The aroma is overwhelmingly wonderful. Would it be rude to knock on her door and ask her for one? Okay, first I want to acknowledge something. And that is the sheer bravery of using what is potentially your real name. Yeah. Either that or you're so clever that you have used a nom de plume that sounds like a real name. A nom de pancake. These are amazing. There was actually recently, I saw a commercial on the Hulu that was like the pancake Sunday is how apartment 4B makes friends and it's just like someone putting flyers up in their apartment building like stop on by our apartment for

pancakes on Sunday. No, that's a trap. No way. Yeah, that's a trap. It's literally the most perfect bait for me. Like literally if I smell pancakes and I walked along that stink line through the air, you know, at the end of it, there's going to be a fucking cage held up with a stick. I'm on knockdown the stick and all of a sudden I'm in zoo. And I don't want that. There's a moment in this commercial in which a adorable little girl carries a plate of pancakes, sticks them on a welcome mat of an apartment of a man who has done pancakes Sunday yet. And that is what pushes him over the edge to go 10. If I opened my door to find an uncovered, unwrapped, completely unskilled plate of pancakes.

On ground. I call the cops. I call the police. I'm the victim of something and I need you to get down here now. This is an unspecified threat. We've talked about neighbor anxiety for a while. I kind of know my neighbors, but the the the chasm between where I'm at vis-a-vis my relationship with my neighbors, where it's basically a rear window situation where like one of my neighbors had like three U-Haul trucks parked outside and then the next day the U-Haul trucks were gone, but they didn't move. And I'm like, what happened? I have to know fucking everything. The chasm between where I'm at now,

rear window style to knock, knock, knock. Let me get one of those good flapjacks. I'm sniffing is so wide that I cannot believe that me and this person are like members of the same society that we are the same like species. It is wild to me. I would actually be very relieved if this happened. I would never take the initiative to go ask for flapjacks, but if someone did open up the door and say, well, let's hope they didn't open up my door. Let's say they knocked. You want the flapjacks? Flapjacks! Oh, god. It's me, Flapjack Nicklesack. I'm going door to door. Ask the people for flapjacks. So if Flapjack Nicklesack knocked on my door and was like, hey, you got pancakes? Because I would love to get into one of those bad boys. I would actually

be kind of, I don't think I've ever made exactly the right number of pancakes. Like you always have a couple of crusty boys that sit out on the plate and then you may be like, maybe around two in the afternoon, you're like, well, you're still here, huh? Let's see what you got. And then you're like, ah, this is a mistake. And I'll throw these away. Everybody loves room temperature, cold pancake. But mom used to make the kind that had like apples and cinnamon in them. And those were extremely edible. Those got a good and they got a good and powerful stink to them. And you're going to smell those and need them. I need these. The problem that I would have if someone did this would be this. I would say, okay, yeah, no problem. I'll go get some pancakes for you.

And then I would think like, okay, so do I put them in a Ziploc bag or do I wrap them in a paper towel or should I just throw some loose in a grocery bag? Should I syrup them on a paper plate? And then do I have to give them paper? If I give them like glass and plate and silverware, are they going to stand on my porch and eat them? Like what I would be paralyzed, they would have to come in and I would just say like, I'm going to lock myself in the closet. Yeah, take whatever you take, whatever my fucking plasma screen, my laptop, do just do whatever you need. I think what everyone should start doing is much like if you're going to throw a big loud party and you like go around your neighbors and you're like, Hey, I'm going to have a big

loud party. Feel free to stop by. If we get too loud, please give me a call before you call. I think you should do that with everything like, Hey, I'm going to make some pancakes. Feel free to stop by. If it smells too loud, please don't call the police. And like, I'm going to be playing some Overwatch. You know, you'll hear me yelling because I got fucking frozen again. Yeah. And please don't call the police about my freezing. But if you want to come over and you want to do some like land, that's fine. What if there's an, what if there's an alternate reality to our own where somebody knocks on their doors? Like, can you please turn down the smell of those pancakes? My family and I are just trying to watch our, our veggie

tales. And we're having a really hard time doing so because just the stink is just so hard. My cheat day is tomorrow and you're killing me. I have a true life, neighbor anxiety, tale, a horrifying true story. If you guys want to hear it this week. We've never talked about our anxieties before on this show. So yeah, it'll be an exciting new segment, maybe. The, my neighbor who lives across the street is a very pleasant older woman who seems to always be on her porch smoking. She comes over and knocks on the door at eight PM a few nights ago and says that her phone has stopped working because she shares it with her family. And she needs to make a call to Nate to ask him to recharge her booze mobile phone. This is exactly how she puts it to me,

by the way. And here is where it gets terrifying. I say, sure, fine. That's no problem. But my daughter has just gone to sleep and the front door is about four feet from her bedroom. So if I hand this woman my phone and close the door, then she will have to take some baby waking action to alert me that her audio transaction with Nate and the refilling of the boost has taken place. So I without even thinking, I hand her my phone and then realized I am trapped on the front porch standing here while this woman talks to Nate and tries to explain the boost mobile situation. And she is repeatedly telling Nate that it's telling her she needs to find a place to charge her boost mobile phone and download this app that tells her where the boost mobile hot spots are to

recharge the phone. And this is all far, far beyond this blessed woman's capabilities, technologically speaking. This is all Greek to her. And I'm just standing here for the whole conversation while she talks to Nate. And it went on so well. And I was like sitting there, trying to think like, what do people do? What did people do when they just stand in a place and listen to a conversation? What have I ever done? I've never done this before. I should get on my Oh God, she has my phone. Yeah, I can't even look at my phone. I started like looking at the plants. Yeah, you started I was about to say you started gardening. I did. I started like, these are. I'm a gardener now. I became a gardener. I take care of these plants.

This got so bad guys that I actually like open the door and grabbed the first thing that I could reach because I didn't want to risk her ending the conversation and yelling because she doesn't give a shit. She'll wake a baby up and I grabbed the first thing I could wish was one of Sydney's medical journals. Oh my God, Justin. I just stood there on the porch perusing like cool new rations that people have just found out about while this woman tries to explain the situation to Nate. And eventually she thanked me profusely and went back to her home. But this is the it was probably the most terrifying two and a half minutes of my life. This Nate sounds like a real techno wizard. I would love to get him over here to look at my printer. It's been axing up lately.

And my computer. Your new printer. Yeah, I can't download any pictures of my nieces and nephews anymore. I ran out of space. That's so weird because all printers always work and are great. So it's so strange to hear about somebody having problems with a printer. And their print juice is so cheap. Yeah. McDonald's doesn't exist. Hey, should we go to the money zone? I mean, in our world, money doesn't. We're going to need some more clamshells and shiny stones to pay for things. Yeah, clamshells and shiny stones. Let's go to the Barnard post. I would like you boys to imagine a box and this box glows and you can put different pictures

in this box and then other people can go to these pictures and using some kind of controller they can access these pictures and actually do things with them. I've just now invented this and I'm calling it a website. Okay. Now imagine you want to make your own website. Right? I mean, I just learned that this thing existed. Can you give me time to process this concept of how I jump into it? Can I collect the spiders? No, no, no. What I'm thinking is they're all connected to each other like a big web, but there are no spiders in this scenario. Where's the fucking web come from, genius? You are the spider. Oh, I hate it. So I'm a Spider-Man? You're a Spider-Man. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, somebody write that down.

Spider-Man. We'll circle back to that. But so all of these websites are connected and I know what you're thinking. It's got to be hard to make my own. No, no, no. I'm going to partner. You know that brick-and-mortar store down the street that, you know, they make just pictures and they tell you to poke them a bunch. I think, and it's called Squarespace because that's the shape of the store. It's just a Squarespace. I'm going to talk with them about taking their pictures and putting them in these websites. And I think they'll be able to provide award-winning 24-7 customer support. There's never going to be anything to install, patch, or upgrade. And I don't know what that means, but they already have award-winning templates when they won all those

pictures awards. And they have that one platform that you stand on. That's an all-in-one platform. And I think it's going to offer a unique domain experience. That's what we're going to call the name. You call your website. It's fully transparent, easy to set up. And so I'm going to talk with them about making a deal that's a free trial and 10% off your first purchase by visiting squarespace.com. And .com is going to be... Yeah, what's .com? So I'm calling the box a .com box because you communicate to each other with it. So squarespace.com slash my brother. So once we get that up and running, free trial, 10% off your first purchase, squarespace.com slash my brother.

This electric web sounds like a really efficient way to send and receive pornography. Exactly. You don't have to go and buy it at the corner store anymore. Your old mom and pop pornography store, where they send them in data globes. Now, you guys know I love eating rocks. Any type of rock, sandstone slurry, limestone pie, all kinds of rocks I love. Well, you're only slumming. Yeah. Well, imagine a world where agriculture was possible. If the sun shone, this is silly. I'm getting into some twilight zone territory, but imagine a world in which the sun shone most of the day and agriculture was possible. Well, we don't burn off the face of the earth. Yeah, I don't understand. If the sun hit us, it doesn't make any sense.

This would be so exciting because I could... How exciting would it be to just eat as many beans as I wanted to? Just all day beans. Instead of just one bean every 100 years. Well, in this reality, our skin wouldn't be translucent and our eyes would not be 18 inches in diameter. How would we examine our own organs to make sure we're healthy? Listen, it's just a fantasy, Travis. You don't have to pick everything apart. So in this world, imagine you could just send the vegetables and I guess there would be creatures that would eat the vegetables that we could kill for fuel. And we could... And to feel alive. And to feel alive and horny. And we could put all those parts

and let's call them vegetables and stuff into a box and send them to people. And that's what this imaginary service that I've just invented called Blue Apron. And it would cost less than $10, which is roughly 30 clamshells per person per meal. And Blue Apron would deliver seasonal recipes. I have no favorite reference for that. Along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals. Can I ask you a quick question? Yeah. What is blue? Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot. There's actually too much lore. So let me just kind of get through the main thing. And there's like a codex you can go and check out on a com box if you want to. I'm just going to imagine some foods right now. I'm spitballing here.

Garvelax with Sloan fleam. No, that's nothing. Grimbulon with pumsel juice. Is there rocks in all these though? Because that's what confuses me now. There's no rocks because we wouldn't need rocks. Basil pesto chicken. That sounds good. That sounds like a real thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With summer, huh? Vegetable panzanella. Well, that... Salted shrimp and green beans with globe tomatoes, spinach, and orzo pasta. I know I'm inventing that again, there is going to be sort of a novella prelude to this story that'll explain a lot of the concepts. But you can see if you want to see, I've set up an ARG for this thing. If you want to check out this fantasy story. An actual reality

game, of course. An actual reality game. Three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. And you will love how good to read about it feels and taste to create incredible home cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash my brother. The box not included. Blueapron is a better way to cook. I just went to the corner shop and I got myself a com box and I plugged it into my vision cube so I can receive and send messages and I did grab just a few pornographies from the store also. But you have to at those prices. And so here's some messages that have come through. Here's one for Joe and it's from Emily who says, grab a glass of your finest whiskey. Cheers to our 17 year friendship and the

podcast that has kept us in touch for the last six. Podcast. Podcast. This may not be for us. Remember in 2010 when the Macroys advised you to give your girlfriend half a dog? Glad it ended with a marriage to your beautiful wife, Ginny. Here is to making more memories. Mabin Bam or otherwise. That's terrible advice. I don't remember saying that which is the weird thing but I guess 2010 was a long time ago. We've all been through a lot since then. And we haven't existed for 17 years. What are they talking about? Now that's a weird thing to say. Can you back that up? No. Here's another message that I just got in the vision cube. Oh god it's so hot. It burned all my tentacles real bad on it. But that's what happens when the messages come through. Here's one for

Bess. My totally kick a little sister. Although I read it at first as my totally kick a little sister. I don't want, no. It's from Tori, the bestiest big sister ever who says, I wanted to get our favorite brothers to send you a non-celebration related greeting. Also to publicly point out that yes, I could have blocked but when I have no lightsaber training and you went to college, maybe you should not start with a slash to my face. Wait what happened? I could have blocked but when I have no lightsaber training and you went to in college, maybe you should not start with a slash to my face. And yes, most still beautiful even with my roguish cauterized wound. So it sounds like they were just having a fun lightsaber

fight as we all do from time to time. Maybe things got a little bit too real. They weren't using the training sabers and this can happen. This is such a common thing. I wish people would exercise a little bit more caution when they're sparring. Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfunstore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch maxfunstore.com because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. Recently I have been smoking pot with my dad. Totally normal. We shared some kick-ass times together, but I became too greedy. I would sneak out to enjoy a joint every couple of days,

but he started to notice now he smokes alone and the cats in the cradle in the seal spoon. That's a beautiful song, Travis. I know I just made it up. Yeah, you should make up the rest of little boy blue with the man in the moon. I don't know what a moon is. Yeah, or what blue and when you coming home, dad, I'm spider, man. I'm just trying to work him in. Kind of a transmedia character. I love to eat non-rock food. It's just getting very dark side of the moon. There's a lot of fantasy elements. Now, what's the moon and why does it have a bright side, dark side? I don't understand. How does Dylan make it up to their dad? Well, weed is everywhere. Yeah. You can go get weed at the corner store. Now I'm just sad. I don't understand why this would hurt your daddy's

feelings. You just had a couple little sneaky doobers. As a bonding activity, that's the only way I could read it is like, ah, doobers are our thing. You can't do doobers by yourself. Maybe, Dane, maybe Pops has been buying all the doobers. Oh, no. This is like, we'll doober together, but I don't want you doobering by yourself. I will doober together because I'm a responsible dad. Then you got greedy and you snuck some doobers and I was like, now you're grounded from doobers. Yeah. If you blaze it once with your dad, I think that would put a lot of this behind you. Yeah, because when I doob up, the last thing I want to do is hold any grudges. I just want to bliss out and listen to Greg Matthews' band. You just need some social doobricant

that's going to smooth everything right over. Okay, okay, okay. I mean, there's so many ways to make things up to a dad, isn't there? Making a sweet post on Facebook with a picture of the two of you and posting a sweet picture on your front of your house of the two of you just like, I love this dad. Then people will come by and see it and I think he'd really appreciate that. Maybe get him a nice Squalark card that says, number one dad best to doob with 24-7, 420 blaze it. Nice, nice, nice. What if he's one of those grudge dads though, where you buy a big bag of pot for you to share, you're halfway through it, it's ripping through it, it blows, it just takes a huge rip and he's like, this changes nothing. Yeah. Well, great. Now, this is just perfect.

I haven't fixed anything and all my good pot is gone. Maybe one free back rub. Back rub coupons, very smart. I wish I had more here. I don't know what to say because no longer- Apologize? Apologizing is good. Oh, that's good. That's good. I don't know why we didn't think about that first because everybody always says so directly how they're feeling, you know what I mean? Hey dad, I'm sorry I snuck doobers when doobers are supposed to be our thing. You know, I'm impulsive and I'm so sorry, let's doober together. What if you got a new thing with your dad and you started doing huge lines of coke? No, stop. It's no longer the thing you do with your dad, the thing you do with your dad is coke. Or like most dangerous game.

Okay, you hunt people for sport? That's the thing with your dad? Yeah, with your dad. You know, just dad stuff. I think just dad stuff. You know, you laugh, but we already do that with fish. So, you know, but it'd be fair. In many ways, fish are the least dangerous game. Not piranhas. Hey, you can take, you get a couple tickets, get a couple hot dogs, take them to a game of our national rock dogs, and then you take them to our national pastime Yu-Gi-Oh tournament. Hey, I've got a yahoo here. It's sent in by Seth Carlson, the deliveryman, take you Seth. It's a yahoo answers user Robbie Rayfull who says, on IMDB, why was Kevin James' height changed from five foot eight to five foot nine and a half?

He got taller. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I'm confused by this because obviously, Kevin James is six foot 11. Yeah. For me, a rock ball player. Let's just pretend though, just for laugh that this is all legit. Yeah. It's kind of alternate. Give me percentage odds that this was Kevin who stepped in and said, I can fix this. Let me fix this. I got to boost this. People are telling tales at a school about my size and I'm the only one who can do something about this. I'm five foot nine and one half of one inch. We all know that Kevin James is the most powerful man on our dark planet. I'm pretty sure that if he wanted to, he could just change how much an inch is.

You know what I mean? So he's like, and now it's 1.1 inches or 0.8 inches, whatever the math works out to. I don't know. I didn't go to math school. Then suddenly he is taller. Just because of how an inch works. This is nice. I think this would be neat if Kevin would do this for all of us because then we'd all be just a little bit taller. That's true. If I convince a bunch of rich people who had presumably seen Paul Blart Mall Cop 1 to make Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, I would probably stand a little taller myself. And 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and Hitch 1 through 15 and Paul Blart Mall Cop Knights and Paul Blart Mall Cop Origins and the Barter Furious and the Blart Files with his daughter and all of them.

And here comes the boom and there went the boom. The sequel that I love so much. Has anyone seen the boom? I got the boom was the new one. Which way did the boom go? The new boom kid, which was about his daughter from Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 getting into MMA, which is weird. The death of the boom, which was many thought the end of the series, but then the boom comes again, which in many ways I thought was even better than the original. And boom for 2 where he cloned himself. I thought that one was a new high point. Guy Richie really outdid himself. Here's another question. I'm in high school and a lot of kids at my school don't lock their lockers when they leave to go to class. There hasn't been an issue

before, but recently someone's been going through people's lockers and stealing an item or two. This happened to me and I decided to go to the school office to check the lost and found. I asked if they had seen an iPod to which as if on cue my school principal came around the corner very dramatically and handed it to me and said, next time lock your locker. What? Excuse me? What? From the clues I could gather, I think the principal was trying to teach the kids a lesson? How do I tell him that he's making an issue that isn't there? Is it okay for him to do so? Nora from Victoria? That's wild. That's a criminal crime maybe? Do principals have immunity? Can they just steal and steal and steal and it's cool I'm the president of school?

I don't think that's how it works at all. That's definitely bonkers, but I have to and calm me old, but it's also weird to me that you're keeping things. If I just had books in my locker, I don't think I'd worry about it, but if you're keeping like electronics and personal stuff in your locker, why aren't you locking it? Yeah, you know what? I went to high school in like the early 2000s. I locked my locker then and are you under the impression that things have gotten better everybody? Are we like under the impression that like, hey, it's way better to leave your locker and locker now. Unlock now. Let's stop shitting because obviously this is some sort of utopian society where theft doesn't exist and so this principle is trying to introduce the

concept of theft to this society. It's wild to me. That's so next time and he just steals and he opens it and he steals. He's like a reverse Robin Hood. Do you think he dresses like a team? This would be my big question is if he's going to go in for this, is he going to like put on just to remind yourself later, go find out what teens wear and then edit it into your file before you send it to Griffin and he's wearing and then he's trying to hide his identity. So the kids are like, I don't know. I saw a really normal looking teenager open the locker and run away with your iPod and he definitely wasn't the principal. All I know is like, how is there not one bully who's just like, all right, cool. And just like walks the halls,

just like pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. How statistically is there not just one kid who's like, cool, you got it. There is. And they call him Mr. Jeremiah, the principal of the school. Because all bullies have to grow up and go somewhere. He did not track this question asked her down. He did not track Nora down and say, Hey, got your iPod. He is just hoarding this stuff until they notice it's gone. There is no way he is going to return all these items to their proper owners. Not going to happen. And although it would be a pretty amazing end of your assembly, or if he was like, all right, Victoria, pull back the curtain and she opens the guys like, look, this is my life. It's the greatest crime of the century.

You open a closet in Mr. Jeremiah's office and just a wave of fidget spinners comes pouring out. Why do you leave your iPod? Just sitting on a throne of Pokemon cards. Why do you leave your iPod in your locker? I want to know. So listen to the good. It's the portable entertainment device. Do you not have backpacks? How is your iPod the thing that's weighing you down? Like, oh, I just can't stand to have this six ounces in here. I can't remember high school. You guys, I honestly just had the thought, did I have a backpack in high school? And did I carry it to classrooms? Or did I put it in my locker? Where did my lunch go? I'll never. I don't remember in high school. I do remember middle school because I had a

The Wiz. Guys remember The Wiz? Yeah, I had a leather messenger back because I'm had so many friends. The weirdest thing about the fact that I had The Wiz is that I don't anymore. So that means there was a period at which I was like, this backpack is a locker and I don't need it. I cannot imagine that happening in my daily life. I'm sorry. I must have been confused because you kept saying The Wiz and I thought you meant the musical. No, I just googled what the Wiz was. And that was a good backpack juice. It looks very spacious and rectangular. It was a rectangular backpack that had a built in shelf and was basically a portable locker that you carried on your back. Oh, shit. Yeah, I know. It was The Wiz locker backpack. And I had one of those and I

don't anymore. And that's very strange to me. I'm looking at it The Wiz on my cube right now, on my com box. And this one just is pitch black and across one of the surfaces, it just says Batman on it. Which is very cool. I would love one of these. Now I'm looking at one that has Wiz Khalifa on it. And that's just funny. That's pretty good. Do you think this is a real grab bag situation for everybody goes to the principal and is like, I lost my keys to a Hyundai Sonata? And he's like, all right, here it is. You're like tight. I got a Hyundai Sonata now. That would be a really epic rewards program. If it's like, oh, you got straight A's. You can come into my theft closet and choose any one thing.

This is how they inspire students to sell candy bars. Sell the most candy bars and you can have his shoes. All right. Well, that's going to do it for us, folks. Thank you so much for enjoying our program today. Presumably you enjoyed it. I hope you made it this far. You're enjoying it. Everyone has always loved our show. We've never done a bad one. We've never done a bad show. That's a great point, Travis. I hope everyone made the most of the sun time. I know I got out there and got a base tan for 50 years from now when it happens again. I'm pretty excited about. Thank you to John Rodger and the short winners for the use of our theme song.

It's a departure off the album, putting the days to sleep. And it's a good song. I hope you enjoyed it at the beginning and end of our program. We also want to say thank you to minimum fun.org for all. All their shows are bad and you shouldn't listen to them. Now it's like kind of getting a little bizarre. Yeah, I think it's hard to parse that one. Ah, fuck. I just fucking realized because I was locked in the closet by those awful children that I didn't have time to charge my calculator. And now my calculator is not I can't do any math for 50 years. Ah, beans, whatever those are. We're going to be doing some shows in the near future. We, October 20th through the 22nd,

we're going to be in Atlanta and Nashville. And there are still some seats for those because they're very large venues. And we hope you'll come out and join us for those shows. And then November 18th and 19th, we're going to be in Minneapolis and Milwaukee. Minneapolis is almost sold out. Milwaukee is not anywhere close. So we're not very popular in Milwaukee, but please. It's because somebody tweeted us is because the Packers are playing a home game that day. And it's not my fucking fault. Well, no, it's Jordan Rogers' beautiful arms fault. But maybe we can just skip this show and go. Maybe we can take a rain check and just go to the big football game. Also, hey, everyone at the show at the game. Oh, it's fun. There's a chance.

There's a chance Aaron Rodgers will be at our show. Oh, don't you can say that? Well, I mean, there's a chance anything will happen, Griffin. Okay. But legally, I think like FCC is going. He could be on a scavenger hunt that day that leads to our show. Exactly. Yeah. He could have accidentally skateboarded the wrong way and instead of skateboarding to the arena, he accidentally skateboarded to our show. By the way, when I said Packers, I was of course referring to the card Packers, the Yu-Gi-Oh team. Thank you. Exactly. Also, if you are going to be at our upcoming shows in September, be sure to send in questions, whatever any of that jargon means. I think that's it. Yeah. Yeah. There's a final Yahoo! send in by Seth Carlson,

the deliver man. Thank you for the new delivery. It's Yahoo! answers user cute curiosity, who says, this one's not really funny as much as it is eye opening. And the website crashed. This is weird. The first time the website crashes is usually such a good fucking website. If Buzz Lightyear truly believed he was not a toy, then why does he freeze when humans are around? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Uncle Dane. Keep it silly, y'all. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the cheek. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm comedian Emily

Heller. And I'm cartoonist Lisa Hanowalt. And we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses. Do you want to learn weird new facts? Do you like hearing successful creative women talk about their poop? Do you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony? If you answered yes to any of these questions, our show is for you. We interview people like Paul if Tompkins, Kristen Shaw, Michael Chay, and more. So check us out on Maximumfun. And let us mess up your brain. Yes, please.