My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 418: Trial of the Riddlemancers
Episode Date: August 6, 2018GREETINGS, TRAVELER. You find yourself locked within the deepest depths of our Dastardly Podcast Labyrinth! There is only one escape: Solve these ingenious, crowdsourced riddles! We found them on the ...very worst website we've ever been to. Sugested talking points: A Lot of Vasectomy Chat, White Hat Aldi Hacker, Badass Kung Fu Panda Quotes, Riddles.com, Fountains of Pain
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The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.
Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there
will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?
Hello and welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice you for the
Modular. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle brother, Travis McElroy.
I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Got a story for you guys.
All right. Does it have spooks and scares, or is it more like a jokes and laughs one,
like the funny sermons? You know it's funny, it's got both.
Is there any Hug and Lovin' and Kissin' in it? Yeah, what's the rating in PAA-wise?
R. Oh, okay. Some adult content, but educational adult content? Oh, okay.
That's one of those horny edutainment movies with spooks and scares.
What's the educational nudity? All right. This will actually, I'll click for you guys and
tell you it's about my upcoming vasectomy. Oh, so it does, you can see how it all
kind of tracks, right? Oh, my. So just to set the stage, I did not know.
Don't really gotta set it more than that. Well, I didn't, this is the first work here.
This is the first sort of vasectomy-based conversation that I believe the three of
us have had, unless you and Travis are having secret sidebar vasectomy chats.
We all share our calendar and mine has had an appointment labeled vasectomy appointment.
You are fucking kidding, we win. In the calendar, look in the calendar.
Yesterday afternoon, blow it up. Justin, I need to know, do you have any like
big plans for the day before your vasectomy? Oh, just like some final, some just bucket list
things you want to accomplish? I'll be damned, dude. Yesterday afternoon,
you had a vasectomy appointment, all caps. Oh, no, we missed that. I didn't get you a card or
anything. I got to get a vasectomy. I'm just crazy about it. I'm crazy about this vasectomy.
And it is like, if you're a person with a penis, I think that, you know, it's a pretty,
it's like reversible, unlike, and which is the one negative.
There's a chance you could accidentally reverse it. Like you could pick something up wrong.
There's a lot of birth control that is less, you know, taxing or more taxing or whatever,
but I just decided vasectomy is the way to go. So I go in, I waited, I would say for like 45 minutes.
And it was rough because I have no, I mean, like, I'm not in any way like
worried or nervous or unsure about this, but they were showing a video in the lobby on loop
of what it's like to get a vasectomy. So like some person's balls are just being split open in
front of me. Every like 15 minutes, this one clip would pop up. Did it have a little narrator who
would just like, and you're still sure? Yeah, it was like, it's no big deal. You go, we go,
just go in and clip the vest deference. And then we get out in and out. Was it the Jurassic Park
DNA strand? Who's like, there's gonna be less of me kind of popping around. It's pretty close to that.
When I went in, I was so bored, there was like a hearing test kiosk that I sat and took a hearing
test. So I was waiting for it. Now not during, right? You weren't taking a hearing test during.
No, but I go back. How'd the hearing test go? Probably not great.
Bad actually. My hearing is just as suspected bad. But I just don't, I feel like I don't want to go
into doctor's offices every week to get something about my broken 30 year old body, 30 thirties
body fix. So at this point, you've just accepted like this doesn't work. It doesn't work. It's life.
So I get back there and there's a nurse back there to take my vitals. And the first thing she says is,
so you don't want any more kids? Wow. And that's like, um, this is like, if you went to buy a car
and someone's like, you sure you want to pay for gas all the time? I think she's just making
conversation. I literally have no idea why she would decided to pitch it this way. And I said,
yeah, no, I'm for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure.
You should have said to the nurse to ask you that question. You should have been like,
oh yeah, I totally want more kids. Wait, should I not, can I not do that? If I could have,
wait, I thought this was just sort of an aesthetic choice. You're telling me, wow.
I just want to ground with my fast deference hanging out through my scrotum. No big deal.
Now, Justin, were you worried about like a rookie of the year scenario in which you would have
this procedure done? You would nut super hard every time you did fall in love. It would really
amaze Daniel Stern. Yeah. So she asked me what I did for living and that's always a good conversation.
So I tried to muddle my way through that. Oh, by the way, she asked me, you don't want any more
kids. And I said, and I couldn't, I didn't even like monitor my tone. It's just what like belched
out of me was no. She said, why not? I said, got them. Got kids. Checked off the boxes. Got them.
Got a lot of kids. All good. No more. Thank you. I got boardwalk and park place. I'm not going to
eat any more Big Macs. So we, I was, the doctor finally made his way in about an hour after I
got there. And he has me, he said, the first thing he says like, so what do you do for a living?
And I was like, trying to explain. It's like, Oh God, I was like, this sounds so stupid. But like,
I guess like technically entertainer, I guess, I don't know. It's like, it's we're my brothers and
I do podcasts. And then we just like wrote a, we're like, we just wrote a graphic novel that
just came out. And we do like these live, he cuts me off. He's like, do you lift heavy things?
No, no, I don't, I don't. You were in the career path that you're in so that you explicitly never
have to lift anything heavy. And that's all he was trying to ascertain. Like dude did not need my
fucking LinkedIn. I thought you're going to say, he interrupts like, wait, are you taco? Are you
just a McRoy? Oh my God. I'm honored to be working on your balls. What a treat to be working on your
balls. And he, he, uh, he said, um, we can, we can give you, uh, some volume before and the,
another option is, um, you can do the gas that'll knock you out for it. And it's like 80 bucks more.
So I don't know what 80 bucks is worth, but it's that apparently. So like
$80. And I don't know why he knew the amount like right off the top of his head, but it's like $80
if I want to knock myself out with gas for this ball procedure. Um, but then he's like, okay,
stand up and take off your pants. I did, I did, I acquiesced and you tore away your tear away
pants. Yeah. And I dropped my pants and, um, do you say this is too big, man? I can't, I wouldn't
even know where to find the best difference in this thing. He just grabbed, he just grabbed,
grabbed my vast difference, both of them. And he, this is not looking. It was amazing.
He pinched him and I, and I felt like, Oh God. Oh boy. And he said, this is, these are his words.
Can you tolerate that? Wow. I can tolerate it. Look at me.
Some people black out when I do that. If you can tolerate that. And he was like,
if he was telling me that we should be good to go. Some people black out. And then,
but then back, my head was thinking, fuck, if I was on those people blacked out,
I can save myself $80. You can just pinch my vast difference. Also, where's the word of warning?
Like, Hey, I'm about to pin some stuff. You might back out of warning. The other word that I didn't
get was like, you can pull your pants back up. Cause we were like a few sort of conversational
threads into this discussion before I was like, can I cover my balls or tell me more about podcasting.
Yeah. Is there more we need to address? So we go, we finished that appointment. I make my
appointment for the thing. He said, you'll need a driver, which it was a fun, like give it a fun
sort of heist feel. The, the, the theft of Justin's ability to create call, state them.
You need a no baby driver.
So I'm, I'm in the, um, the like sort of checkout area and I'm getting a date for when I, um,
could give my bisectomy. The doctor at first offered me, how about tomorrow? And that was a
part of it was like, fuck yeah, let's go. Uh, and, um, and I told him, it was like, unfortunately,
I actually, that won't work for me because I'm, I don't have to watch both of my kids all day by
myself, but I'll definitely be brave for a bisectomy after that. So let's go ahead and we schedule it
out and as I'm, I'm standing in the, in the checkout area when they're making my appointment
and the lady's like, uh, so there's a couple of things you just need to be aware of.
Uh, for the, when you come, you're going to need to bring somebody to drive you and a
volume to take and a jockstrap. And I'm like, um, you know, I don't have a jockstrap. And she was
like, you can get one in the gift shop and bring it, bring it with you. And she said, you're going
to need to wear a jockstrap. She said, um, you're going to have some swelling for about 48 hours.
Sexual activity will be okay after a week. And you're going to need to wear the jockstrap for
two weeks, um, to alleviate the discomfort. I was like, so really though, sexual activity will
be okay in two weeks. I'm like, let's, let's go ahead. And there, the question of sexual activity
will be off the table as long as the jockstrap is in the equation. Okay. So we got the jockstrap.
And then the last thing, this is wild. You got to come back. She was like, uh,
you're going to need 20 evacuations after you have the surgery and then we'll test your sperm
count again. So it could, and then you'll be sort of like clear for, um, you know, sex without
condoms, but, um, 20 evacuations. So it could be, you know, three or four months before we're ready
to test that in my head. I'm like, yeah, it could be. I was, I was so happy she snuck in
through four months because I was ready to be like, oh, so just, uh, like a six back of Gatorade or
whatever. So do you have a waiting room or something comfortable? Um, 20 is a tall order,
but, um, Jesus Christ. So as, but this is the worst part. Yeah. She's like, at that point,
she gets like really vague, like, upsettingly vague about this sample procedure. And she was
like, so you'll just have the cups and you'll bring in the cups and we'll test them. And I was like,
okay, like where are the cups coming from? Oh, we'll have them here. And she was like, and then
you, um, you want to take them to the, oh, let me actually scratch that out in the form.
See, it says you used to take them here and she scratches it out and she's like, but actually
you're going to take them to the lab and they're actually at this different address and she
scratches it out and writes something else in. Then she's like, and their times are different
actually scratching out and right back again. So at this point, like, I'm going to bring a cup of
juice to somebody. Can we please nail down exactly when and where that is happening? Like, I don't
even know where I get the cups. Like, will you give me the cups here? I actually asked her like,
I don't know how to say this, but, um, will I prepare the sample at home or will I prepare
the sample here? That seems like a small question. It's the biggest difference imaginable humanly
possible. The biggest difference. Like she said, and it could be, it doesn't have to be right away,
but should be within two hours of, uh, procuring the sample. And I'm like,
ma'am, I cannot weigh the social ramification. Please just tell me exactly how many minutes
and I'll do it. I don't want to rush, but I don't want to be late. I want to know the exact
method this is happening. Here you go. Steven. Right. No, you nasty pervert. The cups, you're
different cups. It's only been 10 minutes and it's way too soon. You just cranked off.
Did you already have your shoes on and your keys on your other hand? What are you doing?
We did a temperature scan on this. You're at the dirty test now. We did it like the fuel.
So we have security cameras. Okay. You can't do that. We did it like the predator. This stuff's
magma red hot. Also, you have no sperm. Congratulations. Yeah, but also, also nice,
but the compuzzle has been solved. So I'm now like worried about there is going to be
a period when people talk about the back catalog of the show, there is going to be a jockstrap
period where I did record wearing a jockstrap for a while. So what's your best word? Maybe that's
yeah, then I'll have to keep it on all the time. It'll get superstitious about it.
But anyway. I do see in the calendar now your actual vasectomy day, the day the vasectomy will
happen. And I know it is because I'm not going to say what day it is because I don't want you to
get tweets from people congratulating you or checking in on how you're doing. So just go
ahead and start sending those in nonstop for the next month. But it does say vasectomy in all
caps with a big exclamation point, which is one nice because it didn't know it's just how excited
you are for this procedure. But it also lets me know that I am going to see you during the
jockstrap period because my seeing you will be within two weeks of this date. So I can't wait.
Oh yeah. Within two weeks of this date, we will be on tour, won't we?
Yeah, we sure will, bud.
I just needed a little bit to process the fact that I'm going to be walking around
Disney World with my balls. You will be at Disney World in a jockstrap.
Small world. It's going to be, oh, rough, rough time. All right. That's going to be a cool trip.
I'm sure I'll be fine by then. So anyway, that's like my sort of situation. That's where I'm at
in my, in my walk. Let's move on to the questions though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. About two
weeks ago, a set of keys was found near a set of mailboxes in my neighborhood. Someone hung
them on a nearby bulletin board, but no one has claimed them. There's a store loyalty card on the
key chain. And I happen to know there's a vulnerability in the company's website that would
allow me to access their personal information, including a phone number and email address.
Is it okay to obtain and use that information to contact them and help them get their keys back?
P.S. I reported the vulnerability to the company months ago, but they don't seem interested in
fixing it. That's from helpful hacker in redacted. Fuck yeah. I'm in. I'm in. I'm doing good. I'm
a white ad. I'm into the Aldi network database. I found the sarin gas. Really sarin gas in all
oldies. Cancel sarin gas, but I could. Why do they even have this command? Piggly Wiggly has
forwarded me 15 bitcoins to release sarin gas in all the Aldi's. Is that a lot or not many?
I don't even know if 15 Bitcoin is that like 15 cents or $15? How does that, is it?
I'm on ballpark it. I'm going to say it's probably about a quarter million dollars.
You could do a lot of crimes to me if it meant I get my keys or wallet back. If I lose my keys
or wallet, not my phone. Losing my phone is annoying and it's going to be kind of expensive,
but like I can spend the money and get like the insurance coverage on the phone to do the thing
and I'll get the phone back. But my keys, holy shit. If I lost my keys, that's my month is just
getting reassembling the fellowship of the key ring of just getting, like I would have to first
remember all the keys I have on my key ring and my wallet, fucking forget about it. If my wallet
disappears, then I'm just going to like start over, change my identity, you know, because it's,
there's no point. There's no point. I could not tell you the cards that are in there. So like I
would let you, I wouldn't mind you hacking the Aldi website to get my info if it meant reuniting me.
Here's what I'm more worried about. I would also love to have my keys back, though I only
have three keys, but I do have a really great like TARDIS key chain on there that I love and I
wouldn't know where to get a replacement. Do you really? Yeah, it's like one of those, like it's
shaped like a hotel room, you know, like diamonds and it's like information about the TARDIS.
Okay, but it's not, it's not three-dimensional. It's not a three-dimensional. No, it's flat.
That's a flat key. That's what I thought is that you had a phone box in your pocket. No.
But what I'd be worried about is the information that you could access here of like Travis went
to the grocery store and like had a week where he really thought he was going to get into fancy
cheeses and bought too much cheese one weekend. Like that's information I don't want you to have
about me. I'm also disappointed in whatever grocery store chain this is that you reached out to them
and was like, hey, there's a back door and they're like, okay, whatever happens. Oh, I mean literally
nobody gives a shit. I think go ahead and hack them. And I don't usually say that. I usually think
the hack is not good. Here's the thing though, it's been two weeks. So my point being is like
this person's probably already working on like rebuilding their key chain. They might even be
like done. And now like two or three weeks later, you're like, here they are. Like they've just
gotten over the fact that they've lost and replaced these days. Can you imagine? I was thinking
when Griffin was talking about how sort of terrible this would be for his keys and wallet,
like it would be unfathomably annoying, like no argument there. Can you imagine if this could
happen for internet? Can you imagine how kind of like, if just one day you woke up and you're like,
I can't, can't it do it at all? I can't. Like you can't, hold on Justin, just to follow.
Internet? I can't internet. And all my internet is gone from me, right? I can't get to it,
but it is gone. Like it's not going to, not like some weird hacker is like, it's gone. Like your
internet is like you're like a physical thing in the world and you just can't get into it.
So you can't check your sites? Can't check your sites. I could do this now, right? Just log off,
go to a cabin. But what if people start talking shit? Oh, okay. What if people are asking questions
about your vasectomy and you can't be there to answer them? Yes, I won't be there to answer them.
So I do have, I can't do that. It's like, I don't know what the, I'm having trouble sort of like
conceiving this. I was just thinking about how like, it would be really nice, it would be almost
kind of nice with a wallet, because there's like, you get a lot of cruft. And it's like, okay, well,
I just need like, all I need is like a license and a card. And like after that, I'm just,
I don't care. I'll figure out the triple A's phone number, like if I need to contact them,
whatever. No problem. I do have a lot of junk in my wallet. It's just a lot of junk. And I just
kind of wish you could do that with like, internet. We're like, I just need this email address.
Just empty it out. What if I just empty it out my internet? Fuck yes. Okay. I've got a fucking
lick ice cream frequent ice cream buyer card. That's all the way punched out. Hell yeah. I get
a free fucking pint of ice cream. Are you kidding me? What else is in here? What's in my wallet?
Let me see. Anybody? Hey, this is a funny, hold on, wait, this can be like a funny bit.
Anybody got, anybody got a Jimmy cup? Anybody got a, anybody got a, a rubber?
No. Yeah, I don't either. All right. Here's a Yahoo. This one was sent in by Adrian Cowles.
Thank you, Adrian. It's Yahoo Answers user. They're anonymous. I'll call them Cody asks.
Well, people think I'm tough if I talk through clenched teeth and wear sunglasses.
They might, might think you have to go to the bathroom really bad.
No, Trav. I think it could be pretty badass. I think you can try it. Okay.
Can you show me which way it is to the rallies?
Do you know, see that sounds different like you need to shit or you're angry at rallies.
Let me try. Where's the closest rallies? If you sound like a representation of,
like a physical manifestation of anger, like the Lewis Black character inside out, is that tough?
Or are you just kind of fuzzy? Is there a way to talk through clenched teeth and not sound angry?
Like if you were like, oh, I love rallies. No, that still sounds like you're pretty pissed off.
Okay, let me try again. Let me try again. I love rallies.
I don't know how to diagnose that one, Trav. Okay, okay. Can it be inspirational?
Like what? It always seems impossible until it's done, Nelson Mandela.
That kind of sounded a little bit like the Joker and Batman had a raspy voice to baby.
Yeah, but I do appreciate the quote. I found it uplifting.
Was that somebody speaking to Nelson Mandela or did you include that?
Hey, Nelson Mandela. It was both. It was someone quoting Nelson Mandela,
two Nelson Mandela's Nelson Mandela big. Okay, you got me. That's great.
Nelson Mandela thinking, wow, I'm uplifted and that person's tough.
Yeah, that's a very tough person. I'll say this, the sunglasses are gonna go a long fucking way
to look and tough. Let me offer a similar but different option, sunglasses and your teeth never
touch. So you say like, let's go to the rallies. Has anybody seen my viral?
Yesterday's history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's where they call it the present.
Nelson Mandela, actually Kung Fu Panda.
Okay, I found a page of 10 life-changing Kung Fu Panda insurational quotes.
Ah, cool. Let's figure out which one is the toughest.
Yeah, give us some more. Which one of these K and P quotes can Justin
make sound the most hard ass? Okay. That was Master Oogway, of course.
Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that does not make you who you are.
It is the rest of it, who you choose to be. Not exactly pithy.
No, it's a little wordy. Hey, do you have sunglasses? Do you have sunglasses?
I know you have your fucking gun ours, but those don't make, those have never made anybody look
tough ever in the history of time. Okay, here we go. I got my sunglasses on now.
Tap them so I can hear it. Yeah, tap them against the mic. Okay. He could be tapping anything.
I believe him. Master Oogway says, there are no accidents.
Can't wait. No, that was bad. That was fucking hard ass, dude.
There are some though. That one's. But there are accidents.
There are accidents. If I knock over my cup and I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry. And you're like,
there are no accidents. There was an answer on this and it's from an anonymous user who says,
do you have a jaw issue? And then follows that up with sunglasses are way fucking tough.
Yeah, for sure. Me and my family like to go out and eat every weekend. And one of our favorite
places to visit is a local Mexican food restaurant. But recently we've been avoiding the restaurant
since one of the staff there keeps asking us riddles while we order. Oh my God in heaven.
He won't even ask us if we want to hear them anymore. He just starts asking us riddles until
we've lost our appetite. It was even an instance where the whole night he just kept trying to
get us to invest in Bitcoin. And that's not a riddle. That's different. Well, is it a riddle,
Justin? How does Bitcoin work? I love this restaurant since it has amazing burritos.
But this guy repels us from going back. How should I confront this burrito riddler so that I could
enjoy a nice meal without being forced to listen to his musings? That's from Gmail.
I just if meat and cheese wrapped up by bring to thee, you must answer me.
It's just I saw the riddles. Mexican food based or are they just anything goes?
Okay, what do you guys think about this? I just read these on Reddit about riddles.
Oh, what was it? So there's like a guy and it's a puddle of the foot. Oh, what was that? Well,
like, how does he just have these riddles ready to go? Is he reading them from a book?
What's his deal? And why does he want you to invest in Bitcoin? I just don't see.
I don't want to do a riddle then, but sometimes I do. And that's the problem with riddles is you
can never get a nice brain tickler when you need one. And I don't really want to do that when
I'm trying to eat Mexican food. Where is this guy when I'm on a long car trip with my wife?
Because then we could really use a nice little cerebral diversion to sort of ponder over.
Especially when it's time to order, which I think we can all agree. No matter how confident you are
in what meal you want, as soon as someone asks you, it becomes like the most high stress.
Oh, please let me go last. Why would that be the time to ask me some riddles? I'm barely keeping it
together. Ordering from you. I googled taco riddles because I did want to have one where you
could like. Okay. My grand plan was what if you twisted it back on him with a taco riddle?
Like that would really knock him for a loop. And the what I found an online riddle database that's
crowdsourced. So the quality of the riddles, specifically the one I found, and then as I
continue to prove the site, all on this site is questionable. So I don't have, I wanted you guys
to know that when I don't have anything to add to this, it's not for lack of trying. I tried a few
things. I looked and I just couldn't bring home the bacon this time. Hold on, Justin. Let us hear
them. Don't just assume that. Hit us with those gems. Okay. Well, here's the one riddle on the
internet about tacos. Riddle. This is for riddles.com, which is funny. Fucking homepage.
I have 10 tacos. My friend eats three of his. I eat 11. How many do I have left by tomorrow?
Wait, what? Okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. I'm going to read this one more time. I have 10
tacos. My friend eats three of his. I eat 11. How many do I have left by tomorrow?
You have negative one taco. No, I've got it. No, Travis. Riddles are all about sort of
sort of open-minded sort of way of thinking. The answer to this one is the doctor was his mom.
Oh, they don't bury alive tacos. They all fuse into a piece of feces in my toilet. Yum.
Holy shit, Justin. It's not here. It's just saying, hey, guys, here's the riddle.
What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
Cereal with blueberries? No. No.
Boo berry pancakes. Invisible eggs. Dreaded wheat.
Oh, man. Damn, dude. Great riddles that get fries down through the ages are very challenging,
and riddles.com is where people can come and just sort of do whatever, just sort of play around
and explore the space. Oh, I'm deep in the guts of this website right now. Here's one.
I got one for you. I'm neither liquid nor solid or gas. I'm used to create famous things,
but I do not get any fame. If you merge solid and liquid, you will find the other part of who I am.
What am I? I am paint. Hey, paint's liquid. Hey, what are you doing?
You're not. You're not paint. What are you doing? I am not water or soda or beer or wine,
but I am a wet liquid that you drink and I'm not milk. What am I? I'm water.
But a different kind of water than what you were thinking of.
That's a good riddle. Damn, could this be advice is played? Yeah. Can we all agree that advice is
played? Riddles are where it's at. That's where it's at. Okay, you can carry it everywhere you go,
and it does not get heavy. What is it? I don't know what. Okay, one, we can spend the next 45
minutes listing things. In that clarification, the answer is your name. Okay, but also a light bag,
a balloon. There are lots of things. A grain of sand. Hey, guys, I'm big as an elephant,
but lighter than a feather. What am I? You know, the wind? That wind's as big as an elephant.
This is riddles.com. This should be brain teasers.fart, not riddles.com,
which should be the web address of the internet's premier riddle source.
Here's one for you. Which of these words is the odd one out? Apple, care, or strawberry? Care?
The answer is not care. The answer is strawberry, because apple and care in with an e, but strawberry
doesn't. Okay, bye-bye. Okay. That's not how any of it works. You can't. You simply can't.
Okay, you ready? I like this one. The hand sews the eye harvest.
That's the riddle? Yep. The hand sews the eye's harvest.
I ask again, that's the riddle. Yep. Answer, to read and to write.
Okay, we gotta go to MoneyZone. We could do this all day. This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen.
This is worse than Yahoo Answers and it's riddles.com. This should be a fucking honored website.
I want to do one more just to like get us into the MoneyZone.
Help me solve this. Is the name of this one? Riddle, I have six legs, three eyes,
five tails, 20 ears, and half a head. Who am I? Answer, I don't know. Please help me solve this.
Are you kidding?
All right. Well, the hunt is on. We have a considerable- I've got the beginning of a riddle.
I feel like this is a riddle. I've started. We have a considerable platform here, boys,
that we need to use responsibly. We are now crowdsourcing the hunt. Give me the numbers again,
juice. I have six legs, three eyes, five tails, 20 ears, and half a head. Who am I?
Yeah, so get out there, get looking, friends. Write in your theories, work together. I want to
see this on the message boards. I want to see people helping this person figure this one out.
Oh my god.
Oh, I had such a great dinner last night, y'all. It was meatballs in like a soy glaze over rice
and peppers. Very delicious, very quick to make, very satisfying. And the fancy restaurant I got
out of that was, what was the name of it? Oh, that's right. My kitchen.
From Blue Apron, where you're going to get delicious, high quality ingredients that you will
make into absolutely stunning meals that you will not be able to believe that you yourself cooked.
If you thought like, hey, I should learn to cook a little bit better or get into some new recipes
or try some new ingredients that maybe you've never messed around with, Blue Apron is a great
way to get started. They've got chef design recipes and exciting partnerships. Some of the
recipes they're going to be in coming up in the next few weeks are hidden right now because
they're going to be determined by MasterChef. It's exciting. There's even a Bobs Burgers-themed
meal coming up soon. So get out. I'm serious. So check out this week's menu. Get your first
three meals free at blueapron.com slash my brother. That's blueapron.com slash my brother.
Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Can I tell you about Wink? Yes. Wink's real good. Wink will
help you figure out what wine's good and then bring it right to your door. There's a guy,
his name is Todd Winkles, and he will come to your house. He carries the box and he sets it
down really gently. And a lot of these wine delivery companies, they won't set the box down
gently. And at that point, you don't got nice bottles of wine that have been tailored for your
taste buds. You got a wet door mat, a wet wine stain door mat. Wink won't do you like that.
They got online ordering. They got quick shipping. They got personalized recommendations. The only
way that Wink can make wine discovery, the act of it easier is if they drank it for you. And a lot
of other wine delivery companies will do that. They do do that. They insist on that. It's always
two for you, one for us. Thanks for buying us this wine, they say. And Todd Winkles will really want
to. And if you invite him in for a glass, he will appreciate it. But he loves this red stuff and this
white stuff sometimes. It's pink and bubbly. But he won't do it. He will resist the temptation.
Anyway, it's Wink, W-I-N-C-E, W-I-N, it's Wink.
What a riddle. W-I-N-C, this is my riddle. What is the wrong way to
dispel a company's name and then not get paid for a commercial? Wink makes it easy to discover the
great wine. Why am I capable of reading and talking at the same time?
It's all of the greats. What's happened to me? Jesus Christ. They match wines to your taste and
ship them right to your door. They got no membership fees. You can skip any month, cancel any time.
Anyway, go to trywink.com slash my brother. You're going to get $20 off your first shipment.
That's T-R-Y-W-I-N-C.com slash my brother for 20 bucks off. Trywink.com slash my brother.
Oh, thank God. I got a message from Jamie to Mount. Happy anniversary. Since we have one in
August and one in December, I have a higher chance of getting this message to you on time.
I'm thrilled that my relentless onslaught of making you listen to Macquarie podcasts worked
and that we can enjoy them together now. Thanks for 13 years of loves, laughs, and video games.
I love you and I like your back. Nice. I like your back. Oh, I thought you said I like you back,
but it's your back. I said it right. I can read and talk at the same time. All right,
no need to get like that about it. Yeah, I like I enjoy good back. This is a message for B and it's
from your Tom. Oops. Fuck. That's right. From me to the Macaroys to you. Thanks for showing up
to the club fair, dining to Monster Factory with me, and all the other more serious and mushy ways
you've changed my life for the better. You electro cutie. No matter when you hear this,
I know I can't wait to see you. Ernie and Brian are okay too, I guess.
Was the intro to that message Tom realizing that they have to actually write something?
Yes, I do think that Tom maybe didn't know that Tom was going to get through and Tom just decided
that they were going to make it up kind of on the spot. I love that. You did good, Tom. You did
good. You did prefer for this to pop off around March 2nd, so we are not accommodating you there
on that note, but still, here we are. Here's a message for Jonathan Cain. It's from May,
Andrew, Artemis, and Machi who say, Hey Slippery Boy, thank you so much for existing and we're
so glad we met you. You and the Cain Clan are always in our hearts, especially Papa Cain.
You're the most special garbage boy in bigger than life itself. We love you more than the world.
Keep filling our lives with 69 jokes. Oh wait, 69 jokes? Or maybe exactly 69. You've told us 57
jokes and eight jokes were done with you. Love the sin siblings and the other ding-dongs in
underwater pisciotopia. So there's a lot of stuff in that one that I didn't quite understand.
Is this underground wrestling? Because I've been trying to find a foothold in that world.
I think we might be talking about some real backyard shit, boys.
Hi, I'm Allie Gertz, and I'm Julia Prescott, and we're Everything's Coming Up Simpsons.
We're a Simpsons podcast on the Maximum Fun Network, and we've got some exciting news.
Tell me, we are going to be doing some live podcast shows in some of our favorite cities.
We're so excited, and we want to let you guys know out there in the Maximum Fun Universe that we
are coming to you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. On Saturday, September 15th, we will be at the North Star
in Austin, Texas. Yee-haw. On Saturday, December 1st, we will be at the Alamo Draft House,
Sloan's Lake in Denver, Colorado. There's no basement in the Alamo. We'll find out.
Friday, December 7th, we are going to be at the Vera Project in Seattle, Washington.
Oh, got Nirvana. Yes. And Saturday, December 8th, we will be at Mississippi Studios in Portland,
Oregon. Hey, Matt Groening lives there. Yes. I have one slip there. He still lives there in our
hearts. So make sure that you mark your calendars for those dates, and we will be posting the
ticketing links on our Twitter that is at SimpsonsPod, and we will smell you later.
I have a friend who plays live music in bars and restaurants as a primary source of income.
He has a great steady gig at a hotel restaurant, except for one tiny problem.
Every time he plays... Why? Why is this true? Every time he plays a solo show there,
he is contractually obligated to play Stacey's Mom by Fountain's Lane.
Not a joke. He did not rate his contract carefully enough before signing, and now,
legally, it's required for him to opine for fictional mom at least once a week.
Brothers, it's been almost a year of this, and my friend now hates this song more than anything.
Is there anything I can do to help him get out of the situation? That's from Sick of Stacey's
Mom in Southern Maine, which actually almost kind of sounds like Fountain's Lane. Very good.
Let me get something out of the way before we get into this question. Fountain's Lane is a good
band, but I can understand how there are very few songs that I think you would play them
every single time you played a gig that you would still feel great about. Now, I bet even
Fountain's of Wayne, if they had to do this, would be like, okay, we feel like...
Hey Travis, I am...
Do you think maybe in 2003, you think maybe they might have done that around that period?
Um, hey buh buh buh buh boys, I don't know if Fountain's of Wayne is actively touring.
I'm gonna bet Fountain's of Wayne don't get to leave the building if they don't do Stacey's Mom.
I'm sorry.
Yes.
Yeah, they're gonna go ahead and bang that one out for everybody every single time they perform.
Of course, they're making, like, big coin off of that. Like, they... I don't know,
maybe they don't have to do Stacey's Mom every time. I would think they would probably
have a hard time not doing Stacey's Mom.
Before we talk about anything else, we need to talk about why this was in a contract,
a legal contract that a lawyer probably helped do.
I have two guesses. Guess one, that the bar is, like, called Stacey's or the owner or, like,
the bartender's having his name Stacey and it's, like, a fun thing. Or two, at their audition
for this gig, this musician friend played Stacey's Mom and they were like, oh my god,
that's the best part. I love that song. Guess, but you gotta do that every time.
And he was like, okay, you got it. And then didn't know that it was, like,
that was actually in the contract because that is the song that got them the gig.
Or the bar is owned and operated and themed after Fountains of Wayne.
That's also...
Now we're talking about it.
That's also possible. Maybe a Fountains of Wayne themed bar.
Soda Fountains of Wayne.
Soda Fountains of Wayne.
There's also not, there's no alcohol served at this bar.
No, it's a strictly Christian stuff.
Straight edge Christian Fountains of Wayne themed bar.
It's profoundly unpopular.
Oh, I'm there. I'm there. And it's just one big, and it's not a soda fountain in the
traditional sense. It's a literal water feature in the middle of the floor,
but it's sort of a caffeine free Mountain Dew feature. And all the teens just come around
and they stick their head over the jets and get just the blast of that fresh mountain flavor.
While they do just dance and just enjoy the night to the music of Fountains of Wayne.
And it's nice because you can drop your kids off there and you know it's safe.
Like, you know there's no alcohol.
I just, I liked Fountains of Wayne before Stacey's Mom happened.
And I felt very vindicated.
But then they won Best New Artist, the Best New Artist Grammy,
which is so baffling to me because they've been operating for like a full decade before
that actually happened. But anyway.
Yeah. Stacey's Mom is 15 years old. That's wild.
That song is. The song is.
The mother in the subject of the song.
Stacey's Mom is in the Guinness Book of Records.
Youngest Mom with a Teenage Kid.
Doesn't make sense. Her daughter's one year older than her.
Is there some stank you can put on the song Stacey's Mom to like freshen it up?
Stacey's Mom a look back. And it's like, you know what?
I realize now that maybe it was just a childhood crush.
I think Griffin is more thinking we take it to the islands
with a reggae cover.
No, that was actually wasn't. That was the opposite.
Griffin wants to take it on to the islands.
No, I think that'd be hugely problematic.
But I would, you know, like a nice boss in Nova might be okay.
Maybe redo it, but in a minor key.
Oh, that's fun. Stacey's Mom.
Let me look up the chords.
Stacey's Dad is back from work. He's doing his best with the ship collection.
Grills are a real good steak and can fix the lawn mower.
I know it is pretty much equal, just normal.
But I think Stacey's Dad is a good guy.
He's trying his best.
He doesn't know how to relate to his teenage daughter, but he's doing his best.
My guitar is open tune, so I can't play this, but it's just E-A-B-A.
But so it'd be E minor, A minor, B minor, A minor.
And you could probably do a good.
Why are you open? Why did you open tune?
You know, I like to get tender on it.
Yeah. I think you're just lazy.
You wanted to sound good when I hit.
Do you got your guitar? Do you got your guitar on you?
Yeah.
Give me an E minor.
Okay.
And then A minor.
A minor? Is that A minor?
Yeah.
B minor.
Haunting.
You're in the major.
You're in the major.
We can hang around by the pool.
Did your mom get back from her business trip?
We're back to major.
Listen, I know you want to play the major because it sounds so good, but it's got to be minor.
Is she there or is she trying to give me the slip?
Why, Stacey's mom has been dead for over 50 years.
Oh, now, see, the pre-chorus is already slightly minor.
Let's just judge the pre-chorus.
Oh boy, that used to be.
Stacey's mom has gotta come on.
It's all I want and I've waited for so long.
Stacey, can't you see you're just
a G7 minor girl for me?
She's a sharp minor.
I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Stacey's mom.
Oh no, God bless.
Yeah, so you do that and it's like if your parents have you mow the lawn all the time
and you mow the lawn super bad once, you don't have to mow the lawn anymore.
Justin, I thought you did a great job at doing a bad job at that song.
The problem is that I was bringing the melody into the mix because I don't know,
I can't transpose that in my head on the fly.
So I was trying to eyeball what that melody would look like in a minor key.
No, I know, it's a fun song.
It's a fun song.
I don't blame you.
It's a fun song and what you did to it is a perversion.
And so that was your body reflexively trying to sing the fun song.
That was like sneezing.
It was like sneezing, Justin.
It was just like sneezing.
Folks, thanks so much for listening.
We hope you have enjoyed yourself aside from the music part there.
Sorry about that.
It was good.
It was good.
You did a good, bad job.
I, you know, I did my best.
We've got some, if you want to come see us, we're going to be out and about this,
this nation of ours.
Trav is going to be a new port, Kentucky on August 11th.
Dad and I are going to be in August 11th.
At Barbersville and then Travis and Dad are going to be in Lexington on August 18th.
And those are all signings for the Taz graphic novel.
So come on out to those.
You can find the detours at macroshows.com slash tours.
We've also got, and I think there's a few tickets left for our show in Orlando,
August 31st at the Walt Disney Theater.
That is also at macroshows.com for our tours.
You may be able to get tickets for the Atlanta show that's on September 1st,
but that may also be sold out.
I'm, I'm, uh, I'm not exactly clear, but, uh, you know, there's a,
there's a few seats for that if you want to come.
So come see us Atlanta.
That's going to be fun.
It's going to be a really fun one.
I also think maybe we might, I would like, I think I might be doing some stuff at
DragonCon that same weekend.
I'll let you know.
But if you are going to come to those shows, please send in your Orlando and Atlanta,
Yahoo's and regular questions.
Make sure to put that in the subject line.
Also, PodCon, uh, the fundraiser Indiegogo for PodCon two is going on right now.
Help us fund it so we can have an even better second PodCon.
One of my favorite conventions I've ever done.
And Justin and I helped found, uh, you can go to bit.ly slash McElroy PodCon two,
to become a donor.
And that's a good way to go ahead and get your tickets.
Um, and our graphic novel is on sale.
You can get it at, uh, theadventurezonecomic.com or at many fine booksellers.
Thanks to John Rodgers and the Long Winters for these for a theme song.
It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed.
It's a very, very good album.
And we're so, uh, we're so fortunate that we get to use that song as our theme and have for,
for many years now.
And thank you to Max Fun for having us on the Network.
You can go to maxfunfun.org, check out all the great shows there.
Shows like Story Break.
Shows like the Beef and Dairy Network.
Shows like Tights and Fights.
And so many more at maxfunfun.org.
Do y'all want that final?
Oh, one more thing.
Shmanners is coming to the London podcast festival, uh, I believe September 8th.
Whoa.
Um, and the, the, we're going to have a ticket link for that on macroshows.com slash Tours.
Here's that final.
It was sent in by, uh, level 9,000.
Yeah, Drew, Drew, and Drew Davenport.
Thank you, Drew.
It's yeah, Drew.
Drew answers user Matt85.
Matt85 asks, have you ever bought a burger from a burger van?
Why don't you just macaroy?
I'm Travis Macaroy.
I'm Griffin Macaroy.
This has been my brother, my brother, me.
Kids, your dad's square on the lips.
And I just say, hey, I won.
Rebunking.
Regular sized bunking.
Boaty McBoatface.
Do any of these words make sense to you?
Then maybe trends like these is the podcast you should be listening to.
We put an episode every week on maximumfun.org.
Hosted by me, Travis Macaroy.
And me, Courtney Enlo.
And me, Brent Black.
Trends like these on maximumfun.org.
Because with trends like these.
Who needs any memes?
Ah?
Ah?
Yeah, that was great.