My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 419: Some Good JPEGs of My Favorite Matrix Characters

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Let this episode stand as a sort of checkpoint for those working their way through the MBMBaM catalog. The episode following this one has become unstuck in time. It is in the ether, somewhere. It will arrive when it decides to. Come home, Episode 420. Come home to us. Suggested talking points: Inside The Writer's Room, Dental Distraction, Automotive Manufacturing, Ruling the School (w/ Guestpert Elsie Fisher!), A Genuinely Scary Haunted Doll Watch, Riddle Me Piss, Art From the Web

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother Amin, and my advisor for the modern era. I'm the oldest brother, Justin McElroy, they call me around these parts. I'm the middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I am the youngest brother, Griffin McElroy. I would like to welcome everybody, all of our listeners. This is rare, we don't

normally open these doors up, but welcome to the my brother, my brother Ami Riders room. Yeah, sort of a bit of a panic. So if you can envision a bunch of papers flying through the air, and some spilled coffee, and there's our interns in the corner like, I don't know, I don't know. I'm like, we started writing on the whiteboard, but we just ran out of room there, so we just started writing on the walls. Yeah, and there's a doomsday clock sort of counting down, and I show up, I'm wearing like a, you know, I got like the Steve Martin arrow through my head, like, is this anything? Is this anything? And man, we're in the shit. I'm just gonna come out and say it, folks. We don't know what to do about 420. I mean,

there it is, right? Yeah, we don't know what to do. And we fell into this weird kind of valley where it was both like for a long time, it felt too far away to plan anything, and now it feels too close to do anything, right? And I don't know where the window was. I feel like I missed it completely. Like maybe it was like during the week where we had to put up like one of the live episodes or something, and that was the week we could have planned. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just don't got it, because we could do a bunch of weed jokes. That would be bad, because we haven't enjoyed the kind herb for many, many moons. And I mean, could episode one of the Trolls2 podcast that we do technically be episode 420 of Mbambeo? Because I think that was probably

all of our last brush with the kindness. Like we could re-air, re-air the broadcast? Yeah, sure. But probably people wouldn't like that. I had an idea where we could do a recap of like our favorite Family Guy episodes, but I don't think that that's got the legs to get us all the way. Like how do you fucking choose? Yeah, that's my number one thing. And the other thing is just like, it is still a criminal crime in a lot of places. And wrestling with that is something, because I don't want to make a joke about something that could get me put in the slammer. What do you guys think about we all do it on mescaline? Interesting. We do 420 on mescaline. That could be something. Now here's my thing about mescaline.

I don't know what that is. Okay, so that was one thing. I always pictured Jello. Is it Jello? Yeah, that's a good point. It could be Jello. I don't actually know what mescaline is. I have a kind of out there idea, and it might be good enough that we could actually do it. And you guys let me know what you think. Next week, next Monday, people hop out of bed, they load up their podcast app, they wait five or six hours because there's ain't no way I'm gonna get one of these bad boys up before noon. And then the episode does come up, and they see episode 421. We skip it? Yes, we skip it. I actually love it. We skip it until we're ready. We come back.

Perfect one. Oh, I love that. We have it. And then that'll be great because we'll be in episode 539, and people, next week comes out is episode 420. How exciting is that gonna be for everybody when we come back? And we're like, oh, wow, they finally fucking cracked it. That's so good. That's an amazing idea. I love that very much. There's a show that's already gone here before that has crossed this treacherous ravine, and it's Family Guy, which did have an episode, had a 420th episode. Oh, good. What'd they do? Nope, never mind. It was just an episode called 420. They haven't done this. Oh, shit. I bet that was a good one, though. Fuck. I bet it was a good one. It aired on April 20th,

so it was not the 420th episode. Oh, man. Did old Quag smooch any bebs? Did my boy Quag smooch any bebs? I don't know if he smooched any bebs. I had a dream of which I had beef with Seth MacVarland, and he dumped some Hannah sanitizer on me. All right. I had a dream of beef with Seth MacVarland, and he dropped some Hannah tattoos on my hands when I was asleep. All right, so the next episode that you hear is going to be episode 421, unless... Unless? Unless? We find it. We do crack it in the next week, and then it will be... We will remove it from its place unstuck in time, and we'll just knock that shit out, but I find it very, very unlikely that's going to happen. So 421 is the next one.

Oh, boy. I'm glad we can settle this. And listen, don't tweet us your great ideas about what we should do for 420, because then everybody will see them. You got to email them to us, and then we'll do them. That way we can do it without crediting you. Yeah, it will be the ideal scenario, and say... Make sure you stay at the top of the email, legally, property of Macquarie Brothers. If you send us an email, we own it, basically. Yeah. If you send us your social security number, you are basically, like, we can be you. All right. We want to take your life. Can we do, like... You know how they did with the doctors who were... They were like... The doctors who... Remember, they were like... One of them we forgot. So this... The whole numbers

have been all kiflui this whole time. Do you think maybe we could, like, find some way through an accounting error that we've already released in episode 420? We missed it already. So it's like, in the past, we don't distress about it anymore? I do know how to backday episodes on Libsons, so that they drop into the feed in the middle. Considering that I get maybe five to six tweets a day about opportunities for jokes that I missed, really, choice nugs, that, like, you know, you should have done this joke, I feel like just releasing episode 420 and making no comment about it would be the excuse to quit Twitter that I've been waiting for. All right. Listen, what if we re-release episode one of My Brother, My Brother, Me, but we just put the opening sort of eight

measures of 311's amber as the color of your energy. But wait, we probably did that for episode 311, didn't we? I mean, I know we did. I don't have to transcribe that handy. Let's just do a regular show this time. We don't have to stress about it right now. What number is this? Trumps didn't put it in again. 419. 419. Are you kidding me? God, that's kind of like, man, 420 is really close at this point, huh? Yeah. I went to a new dentist's office today. All of my previous dentists have had TVs in the rooms, but this one has none of that. Close to the end of my appointment because I didn't know where to look, I made slightly prolonged eye contact with the person cleaning my teeth. She stopped what she was doing, sighed, and said, can you please not? Oh my god. No, they didn't. I

don't believe it. The rest of my visit was super awkward. I didn't say anything even after my teeth were cleaned. I have to go back to get a filling soon and I am terrified. I will have the same person. Is there anything I can do? What should I do with my eyes? Was I in the wrong? That's from bad teeth in British Columbia. Holy shit. Everyone was in the wrong. I was in the wrong. I was in the wrong for reading this out loud. Oh, fuck me. Justin thinks this didn't happen. Justin thinks this is a fake. I don't believe this happened. Somebody's trolling our forums, but I think I can totally see it. Imagine a hygienist deep in your, deep in your, your pearly whites and you just lock eyes with them the whole time. That's not acceptable behavior. It's not acceptable, but it's also

not acceptable to not have, if not a TV playing old episodes of, you know, the office or something right above you, a like a baby's mobile just sort of hanging above your head. Something to just sort of attract the eyes. Maybe it's just a small dot that somebody's drawn on the ceiling with a blue marker. Anything, anything, anything to give you a reason to not look into the eyes of my, of my hygienist. I, I, I've never had, Dr. Judy Woodruff does not have any TVs. I've never had a TV, as long as I've ever had dental work in my entire life. I've never had a TV to look at. No one should, you should have to do like I do when I go to the dentist, which is sit, stare at the bright light, think about how my teeth will outlive me until they too are claimed by time. That is what

you should do at the dentist. You don't, you don't need to watch old episodes of French or Friends. Well, no one, no one needs to watch old episodes of Friends, French. Yeah. You fucked up. You fucked up bad. You can't go back. You can't go back. The good news is at least at my dentist, like the dental hygienist is like a specialist they bring in to do, you know, the wet work. And then when it's time to like, you know, rip out one of my terrible teeth and put in like a, you know, a monkey's tooth and they are, then they, they, you know, the dentist, dentist steps in. So it should, it should be a different person. But however, however, you here's the problem. Yeah. The problem is because I always, I, I go to this very

nice dentist here in Cincinnati. And every time I have gone, the person who has, I guess, prepared me for the dentist, who has readied me for the dentist has been a different person every time. But that said, I also have to imagine they get together and discuss which of us like teethers gave them eye contact that day. Like it happened again. Who did you get weird eye contact from today? And everyone's going to know that's all I can assume is like, I spend so much of my life trying not to make eye contact with people. Sure. Like, even people, I think I'm supposed to make eye contact with, because I don't want them to see the panic in my eyes of having to interact with another human being and be present with another human being. And so the idea of

them being like, yeah, I looked right into his eyes. I saw this, oh, he's terrified of everything. Like, I don't want them to know that much about me. Okay. We need something here. And we need something that is easily sort of reproducible in every dentist office. I want this shit to be as commonplace as like, and that if you didn't have it, it would be like going to a dentist and they didn't have any sort of anesthetic at all. And you're like, wait, you don't have anesthetic? I'm fucking sorry, you can't come to this one because we don't have drills or there's no water at this distance. It needs to be that sort of sleep. Sleep mask might be good. I was thinking like, cool, do they make like cool sunglasses that have like a little screen inside of them?

And you can put it on and be like a virtual, not VR goggles, but like, why not VR goggles? Well, expensive, cool sunglasses. I've seen these sunglasses you're describing. Yes. Yes, I've seen these sunglasses. I believe they exist. Like Doc Brown wears and BTTF 2, where he has the sunglasses on and they look like cool sunglasses with a TV and and you think those are less expensive than VR? Well, you could get like the cardboard and put a phone in it. All right, fuck, fine. I mean, there's no way TV sunglasses are cheaper than that. Okay, I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it, folks. Calm down. He's got it. He's got it. Above every dentist chair,

there will be live theater. There will be a live, there'll be a live production of the tempest or a funny thing. Like in the ceiling? In the ceiling, all the actors are suspended and that they're doing a funny thing happened on the way to the forum. And you are delighted and transported. And depending on what the procedure is you're getting, if you're just getting a cleaning, they're probably, you know, they're not going to make it to act, act too. And so they'll get a nice little break. They're like, oh, that's the end of the play. And they'll walk away. And we do, isn't there a more convenient way of doing this? Can you just have them? We're thinking about this all wrong. If you put the performers on the stage, but then you have the

tooth person oriented. Sideways, sideways. No, you have them oriented, sort of vertically, like Hannibal Lecter. And just have the tooth, like give the tooth work. The dentist is loving it because their back was killing them. So they're excited. So now the dentist is just, you're standing and the dentist is standing. Everybody's standing. And you're just having standing dental work. You're having standing. No, you'll be tied to a stretcher. And the dentist will be like, dentist will be like, Hey, listen, I've never seen this before. So please do let me know what's happening in it because I have not seen it. So if anything really cool is about to happen, please let me know. Let me pause real quick. I'll look up from your chompers and I will

watch the sword fight. And then I'm right back in there. The only other thing we can do is put the live theater inside of the patient's mouth so that the dentist will apparently focus on their fucking job instead of looking into your eyes. You know what I mean? Like it takes two to tango. You're right, Griffin. Why didn't you stop what you were doing and be like, could you not? Why did you look at my peepers instead of my chompers? Hey, here's actually a very good question. Thank you, Travis. Why do you look at my fucking teeth? How about that? Since you've got like, whatever in there, like the thing that they pretend is counting your teeth, but it's actually scraping them. Since you got that in there, how about you focus on what you're doing? My eyes are up here,

but my teeth are down there where you should be looking. They're pretty close. And I can't fault you for that. But if you look at my eyes, you will see no holes. If you look in my mouth, it is Shia LaBeouf's holes in there. So like if I went to the like the eye doctor and I caught him staring at my teeth, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? That's not where I look from. That's not your world. That's where I taste to. Stay in your fucking lane. How about Yahoo? Yeah, I love that. Some good ones. All right, Yahoo user. I don't know why I introduced it like that, but it is Drew Davoport. So he does use Yahoo. I think he's, I would argue he is a heavy user. Level 9000, Yadru, Druitt sent this in. Thanks, Druitt. Yadru answers user,

horsey girl 535342534 horsey girl 3534 has 2% best answers. Not very good. But also not the worst it could be. 2% of the time. She's right. Every time. She has 100% the best questions though, because her question is in the movie cars. I watched this recently. I'm excited about this. How would the cars have kids? Me and my friend Shelby are watching cars when she asked this question. So how would they? Now, I know you're probably wondering, is there illustrations of this concept on internet already? And me, Griffin, will say there is, and I'm saying that for you so that you don't have to go and find. Don't do this. Because I went and I find a lot. And some of it is cars cars. Some of it is cars

peoples. There's one with a plane. There's one with a plane. So there's sort of like planes in rescue. That's disgusting. Yeah. Can I say, so I just recently watched Cars 3. It was a very fine movie with a wonderful voice acting, many moments in which tears are brought to my eyes. A beautiful movie. But it does introduce the concept of new models of cars, which I find deeply troubling as an analog comparison to people. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. The idea, I wouldn't look at BB and be like, this is the new model. Ah, so much sleeker and better. Like, huh, the shitty thing is when you have to say that, when you have a second kid, and then you have to say that to your first kid. Yeah. Look at this. This is the new souped up version of you. If you were an iPhone,

I would have traded you in already for this one. So this is baby X. This is baby X, the most powerful baby with the best camera ever. And if I charge this baby, she's good all day. Yeah. There is. Don't worry about cloud saves with this one. You can talk a whole day about how do they have sex, how the cars have sex. And I will question the better question. I want to ask is this, why do they shit? There are so many scenes in the cars franchise where Lightning McQueen says, I have to go take a shit. Yeah. They're long sequences in every one of these fucking movies where they're like, where's lightning? And he's like, I'm in the can. And it's it's like pointless. It doesn't have the story forward. Why was it so important to John

Lassner that the cars shit so many times? I mean, what's weird is that there are no scenes of tomato shitting. And because they went to Larry and they were like, okay, Larry, so in this scene, you're going to, and he's like, what? What are you saying? And they're like, in this scene, your character tomato is going to take a big shit. And then he says, no, I'm sorry, I won't be. That is lowbrow humor. That is lowbrow humor. And it's sort of off my brand. I played Hamlet at Cambridge. So you will remove this scene or else I will not. I am a Nobel Prize winner, sir. I will, if you do not remove the scene, I will not be getting it done. So I will, I will remove your license to use my recorded voice in the cars branded electric toothbrush

that says go for it. Peel grumb, brush those fuckers. I'll make you stop brushing. You're going to get contravirus. I'll remove that too. You will not be able to use either of those sound samples. And if I might suggest a few cuts, if there is a lot of shitting scenes already, not not just my character, but it seems everyone, this whole movie is shitting. I could suggest maybe a rewrite. Yeah, let me let me get in the studio. Okay. Are we rolling? I forgot hair to dookie. So you can just use that and then it extends all the way. I've forgotten all my everything I knew from when I was a human. I don't even remember what my wife smelled like. I only remember how my engine revs.

I'm broken. This is worse than hell. I can't remember my daughter's face. First place I win. I win the big race. Get her finished. Get her finished. Get her finished. What was my favorite food? I don't remember how I ate. Anyway, polish my muffler. What the fuck? Now we are all cars. We're all of us cars. We've become cars destroyer of worlds. Black mayor season five starring Laryl the cable guy. Catch it. Laryl, I have no mouth, but I must I think the cars can have kids if Lightning McQueen and another character wanted to have a kid, they would just sort of I think Lightning McQueen could pop off a headlight. And I think, you know, another car could like drop a tire and then somebody would have to build a car using

those two components. We're like he pops off a headlight and another car pops off a tire and they like try to figure out what to do with it. Did like they dig a hole and bury it. Like is this going to be a kid? We don't know what we're doing, but all the humans are dead. I love the sequel of Children of Men we're creating in this cars world where no one can have kids and they have to figure out a way. Now granted, I have not seen Children of Men, but I have seen cars many times. Hey, have you seen any movies? No, just cars. All right. Here's the thing. Okay, can I tell you the thing that threw me about cars? Okay, you ready for this? The cars are cars. Yes, of course. The planes, the helicopters, they also have faces. They are also living vehicles.

But the tiny bugs we see, they are cars. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, they're just having fun with it. How about a, how about another question? Because of an unfortunate turn of events, I am changing high schools to one with less than 100 kids. I was wondering, how do I become the coolest kid in school? Because of the low numbers, there is a chance for me to be the coolest kid in school. Thanks for the advice to making it happen in Massachusetts. I love that it's not just like, I know this sounds aspirational, but I've run the numbers. It is feasible for me to become the coolest kid in school. The promise is at this point, I literally have no concept of what constitutes cool. I was going to say in school, but like really at all, just generally speaking.

I have no answer to this. I'm at a no. Travis McRoy, do you have an answer to this? I'm a no. Griffin McRoy, do you have an answer to this? I mean, tech decks, but if not tech decks, then no. All right, I'm going to bring in a special, super special guest to help us answer this question. Elsie Fisher, star of the film, eighth grade, now in theaters everywhere. Elsie, welcome to the program. Hey, thank you for having me. Elsie, I'm going to bounce this off you and let me know if it's tech decks. Are they still hot or not with sort of the 13 to 18 age bracket? Oh, they're very hot. They're very hot. Wait, really? I'm not even joking though. They are very hot.

You have to be joking. No, I'm not joking. Get out. I've had plenty of children in my classes get their tech decks through boat. I can't tell if you're messing with Elsie. I genuinely not. I swear. They're very hot. Wow. My collection still has value then. I'm so excited. It's probably doubled. Is this how the statistics of high school popularity, is that even how it works? I guess in any sort of primary school level of popularity, if you clock in in a school with 100 kids in it, are you more likely or is it just if you're super cool, it doesn't matter what the size of the school is, you're going to reign supreme? I don't know. I think numbers can make a difference if it is a smaller school,

because there are just less options to pick from. So you have to do less to be cool. Yeah. Okay. Can I make suggestion and we'll see if this plays, right? Think of it. I've been watching a lot of cars, the movie cars. Think of it like a racetrack, right? You don't have to go from bottom to beat in the first person. You just have to pass everyone along the way. So you need to find the 99th coolest person in school. And beat them up. Well, okay. All right. Okay, fine. You've listened to this show before, I thought, and we don't usually sort of endorse jumping people to become cooler than them. But that's Hollywood. Not since the double digit episodes,

at least. Elsie, I want to hit you with this theory, though. I understand what you're saying about the numbers are better. Let me alternate, though. Isn't it more statistically likely that you could be the least popular child in your school? If you think your kid came back and they were like, I'm the least popular kid in school, they're like, oh, there's like a thousand kids that go to that school. No way you're the least popular one. If my kid came back and they're like, I'm the least popular one out of a hundred? Maybe. I don't know. It's possible. I think it is a risk you have to take if you go to a school of that size and you're on a quest to become the coolest. I think it's too easy to become the coolest if there's just a hundred kids,

so there needs to be a bad side, you know? Yeah, yeah, the danger. We found a school, right? And you know how there are schools for like, we take only the best and brightest, you know, sinister smartest, but like, there's a hundred kids, they were all the coolest kids at their hundred schools, right? And we have brought this, this is cool school. It's only for the coolest kids. They're not even smart or whatever. That's cool. You're literally describing the plot of like 14 different animes right now. I think the opportunity that we're missing here is not the size of the student body. It is that you are a new student at the school. You're changing schools, you are brand new, and that is, that's your ticket. I think, and I think, I think the like new student

mystique is going to penetrate a lot farther with a 100-person student body because everybody there is going to know there's a new student in town and their dad invented tech decks. Because here's the thing. What you want is you want a cool lie about yourself that makes yourself more interesting, that is not easily Google-able. I have two vapes. Yeah, right? Just say that. That wasn't a, that wasn't, that was not a response to your question, Travis. That was Elsie just letting everybody know how many vapes she personally has. Yes, yeah. I like that it's two. It's my vape for me and then my vape for you, my friend. That's the sweet. What's your movie about Elsie so people can go see it or and will want to go see it? I mean, it's about

eighth graders and it's about a girl trying to live her life and maybe that is weird and maybe your life is weird so maybe you'll like it. I've struggled a lot since I've been sort of following this movie in the trades with spelling the word eighth. Boy, it's a tricky one. There's a lot of G's, H's and T's in that one. There's like three of each and I can never really remember how to assemble it correctly. E-I-G-H-T-H. That double H even sounds weird. Yeah, you don't even know it does, but it's not eighth grade. It's eighth grade. Could you change it to eighth grade? Is it too late? I think it's too late. It's already hit feeders, my friend. I'm assuming by the title this is a horror film, right? Oh, yes. My experience in eighth grade, I don't think they could come up

with a scarier name for a film. When I was in eighth grade, I had a tooth come loose and I went to the bathroom and pulled it out and it was like the first or second day of eighth grade. I was on a new floor. In eighth grade at Comac, you were on the first floor. I went to the bathroom, I was looking in the mirror, pulled the tooth out and a door to one of the bathroom stalls opened behind me. A woman did come out because I was in the women's restroom and I didn't know because I was new to the floor and they saw me pulling a tooth out of my fucking head. I was done pretty much after that. I literally can't remember anything about eighth grade, which makes me think it was incredibly terrible. Maybe my eighth grade experience was just an alien abduction and I just replaced those

memories. I don't know. In my eighth grade year, I was a furry and I know this because there are many photos of it. Many photos of you drawing furry culture. I used to wear ears and a tail to school. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have one. That's radical. We love furries. We fully support that. I'm so used to this furry discrimination in my real life. You come to the right place. We are, I would say, reckless in our support of furries. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Thank you for finally heaping the praise on us that our dad continues to withhold. Elsie Fisher, eighth grade is in theaters now. People can go see it even if they can't spell it. I think everybody should go do that, don't you? Are you asking Elsie? I'm asking

Elsie. Oh, okay. Yes. Please go see it. Elsie Fisher, thank you for attending our program. Oh, thank you so much. What a natural way to phrase that. What a good person way of saying that, human statement. Elsie, we appreciate your guidance. Everybody go see eighth grade in the theaters now. But for the moment, we don't have big Hollywood dreams. We've got to earn our money the old fashioned way. Podcasts. Yeah, talking about sponsors for E-Savvy companies on the internet. Let's go to the money's end. Can I tell you all about Casper? Yeah, I guess. Okay, great. So we travel a lot. We do a lot of tours. I go to a lot of conventions and stuff. And there's nothing like sleeping on a shitty

hotel bed to make me miss. I'm going to say it, my best friend, my Casper mattress. Yeah, a lot of these, a lot of these hotels use mattresses from Bastard, which is the evil the evil Casper and they are not soft. They come in a box that's bigger than the mattress and they deflate and they're not soft and they're not made out of, you know, soft materials. And so I hate, I hate Bastard. I love Bastard. Bastard uses like eight middlemen. And so it just really jacks up the price where Casper uses no middleman. So it like decreases the price. And Bastard's like, we can make our mattresses more expensive. They also, Casper combines multiple supportive memory phones for a quality sleep service with

the right amount of both sync and bounce. You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. And right now you can get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com at CASPER.com slash my brother and use the promo code my brother all one word and check out terms and conditions apply. Juice, tell me about quips. I know that you like to have them in there. Yeah, if you have nasty teeth or a nasty mouth even, however, wherever you're nasty up there, quip is a great, great way to finally kind of get things in order up there. It's a new electric toothbrush that's a fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes and packs premium vibrations for a perfect two minute clean. You know, I used to use a

electric toothbrush from one of the big brands. And it took up like a bunch of space on my counter in my bathroom and very inconvenient. Quip is great because it has this like little caddy, basically, that has a sticky strip on it that you can basically stick anywhere. Get it out of the way and your toothbrush just hangs out there. And when you're going on a trip or whatever, you just flip the quip over and put it back into the container. And then it's like a travel case. Like I would say, guide travel, just flip the quip. Just flip the quip. I always say it. And a quip has, it pulses every 30 seconds to let you know, like brush a different part of your mouth. And then at two minutes, I think it's like a different pulse to let you know, like you fucking, you finally did it,

believe it or not. It also helps fix the problem of remembering to change your toothbrush when it's time because every three months, they ship you a new one for just five bucks. So, and it's actually very satisfying because they use the old brush head right before you throw it away. You use that to clean the like inside of the brush. I find it immensely satisfying and then you throw it away and it's all perfectly clean and spolice and everything. But quip starts at just $25. And if you go to getquip.com slash my brother right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush. That's getquip.com slash my brother. Catch it. Catch the wave. I want to tell you all about

this next Jumbotron because yeah, I'm really excited about it. It was sent in by Nick Palumbo for my dearest Andrea, who says, since introducing you to the McElory, I'm done. I quit. If you can't even get the name right, I'm walking. Nick, Nick, Alice. Let me fix your doodoo mess here, Nick. Anyway, since introducing you to the McElroy family of products, it might be an inside joke, Griffin. Maybe it is like their funny joke where they disrespect our brand. Since introducing you to the McElroy family of products, Nick, I can't get past his first sentence, guys. It's just a doodoo mess. But since introducing you to the McElroy family of products was the second smartest thing I did in December 2015, asking you out was the first. I figured it's fitting for me to use

them to wish you a happy birthday. Happy birthday. I love you so much and I can't wait to marry the fuck out of you this August. Yours forever and always, Nick. No, why did you say his name right? You should say yours forever, Nick. Yeah, Ken, which is Nick backwards. Oh, Burnham. Now, they did want this message March 5th and it is August, which is when the wedding is going to happen. So hopefully we're getting in before the wedding so I can let you all know. I hope many happy returns and many more. And listen, we all made some mistakes. We all make some mistakes and I'm really not mad about it. Congratulations on your love and happy birthday a long time ago. This message is for Aubrey and it's from Matt.

Was so excited to get a jumbotron that I didn't plan anything specific to say. Other than I love you and I hope this message from those good, good boys, the McElroy's brightens your day. Can't wait to be home with you and the Snuggle Boys planning our next adventure. Always remain on the smooth tip and always keep it digital. Love, Matt, Max and Henry. Now, I don't know who the Snuggle Boys are, but it sounds like the best and maybe also creepiest, kind of like Hinchman I've ever heard of. Yeah, me and the Snuggle Boys, I could come around and show you who's boss. You think it's an ironic name. You think they're like, you know, knife enthusiasts, but they call themselves the Snuggle Boys, kind of like the wet bandits and it sounds

you know, a harmless name, but really they did try to kill a kid. Yeah. So, Justin, you want to read this last one? Absolutely. This is a message from Caroline and it's from for Joe and it says, hey, Joe, a message to my favorite boy from your Faith Boys. You told me not to spend my money on this, but despite having an econ degree, I'm terrible with money. Fine. Hope you have a great 24th birthday and that all your magical dreams come true. You're an awesome photographer, guitarist and bro. Love your middle of sister. And that birthday did go ahead and pop off a little early this year on May 9th. So we are hoping Joe's still in kind of the celebratory mood. Just a quick cue.

Hello, I'm Oliver Wong, DJ, scholar and journalist. And I'm Morgan Rhodes, music supervisor and stiletto devotee. And we host Heat Rocks, a podcast where we invite our favorite musicians, writers and scholars to talk about the albums that have changed their lives. Morgan, what exactly is a heat rock? It's a record that's like hot fire, combustible, basically just a really, really good album. We've taken a deep dive into Nigerian funk from the 70s. He kind of had like a bad reputation in town as just being like a sketchy dude. And he was just making music that for thousands of miles around him, he was the only person doing anything like that. 1980s teen comedy soundtracks.

This soundtrack always felt the same to me as like when I would find a great blazer at a thrift store that I could, I was like, oh, this is going to be me now. We've talked about Prince, boys to men, Kendrick Lamar and everything in between. Heat Rocks every Thursday here on Maximum Fun. Oh, good. Got a haunted doll watch here. It's fresh. Fresh. I'm seeing more people that are not willing to weave the fiction selling a haunted doll, uh, would normally require. What the fuck are they doing? That's the whole thing. That's like the whole- It's a doll, whatever. But I have, as an artist, we must, and our source material changes, you know, the just, if you're an artist, surprised themselves in their autumnal

photography, when winter does eventually come, you have to find a way to adapt and apply those skills to the, the fallen leaves and the frost covered branches. And in much the same way, I have done this thing. I do want to show you all the, oh, it's not that. Let me share my screen real fast so you can see. Okay, there we go. They're, oh, fucking holy shit. Look deep into its eyes, guys. No, could you not? It looks like, okay, this doll, no, that subject line is just, okay, I need to stop sharing my screen. Hold on. Yes, please. This, uh, the subject line on this doll is just haunted doll negative spirit. That's it. That's all you get. The doll itself looks like a baby version of Gene Hackman from Superman. Yes. It's again, it's like creepy,

but in a little bit of a lazy way. It looks like a doctored haunted doll. The starting bid, and there's zero of them, is a dollar. And it ends in three days. So you, you will have expired by the time you, um, you get this. So there's just kind of the eBay user Herma, Herma McDon, maybe, put this description up and it just says this, upon receiving this negative spirit, my cat died. What? Upon receiving this negative spirit, my cat died as I was getting ready to go get Fletcher from the mailbox. That is the name of this doll, by the way. It's, it is great because what is great about this is one of the, this is like, I want to take you inside a little bit now. One of the, the pictures of this doll is the eBay listing from the time this person bought this doll.

So it says haunted doll, Fletcher, terrifying negative spirit, must go now. This person bought this and is like, Oh, actually no way, no fucking way. This sucks. My cat died when I was going to pick up this doll. You were right. I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was fucking with. So they're trying to get it out in a hurry. I said upon receiving this negative spirit, my cat died as I was getting ready to go get Fletcher from the mailbox. Days later, washer broke and you're putting that on the same, same level. I'm going to read you one sentence. I love that washer. I'm going to finish a sentence. So the cat did that. This is one sentence. Days later, washer broke and car accident, hitting a tree, my stepson. Oh my God. How are we rank? How are we ranking these things

by including them in the same breath? Days later. Hey, so how's your life going? It's been kind of a while, a few days. Got a creepy doll and my cat died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay. Oh, and well, my washer broke. Well, that's more of a mild annoyance. I don't know. And also a car accident hitting a tree by stepson. Yeah, I don't really know what that you were driving your stepson as if he was some sort of turbo team into a tree? Or it kind of sounds like you hit a tree and then went on to hit your stepson. A small tree, a small tree, but a big sun. And I went through the first and rammed right down right into the second. Hit my sturdy stepson. Hit my sturdy stepson and fucked up the tree. Sun was fine. I think tree caught most of the

momentum of it. Sun was annoyed. I just want my money back and peace of mind back. It's like they don't want to be haunted by the negative spirit anymore, but they are going to go ahead and get a return on the investment. They're going to get the ROI. And yes, I did buy this negative spirit on eBay. Well, okay, you've owned up to it at least. That's something I do collect other paranormal dolls, but this one carries death with it. Any questions, please ask a dollar. Good luck. I've seen enough. That's the last sentence. Good luck. I've seen enough. Here's I do collect other paranormal dolls, but this one carries death with it. Any questions, please ask. Um, I don't have any fucking questions. I think you summed it up pretty

good with it carries death with it. I think that this is actually everything I needed to know. This is the first. This is the first time I've ever actually been even remotely scared by one of these things because this description, this is just, it's not kidding. That's the end of it. The lack of sort of a three act narrative structure to this, as is usually the case in these, uh, in these sales pitches, uh, and sort of the last couple sentiments that they include in there really sort of drives home the fiction that this is a person who has bought and sold haunted dolls and had, we've had, we have a lot of fun here folks, but this one is really full of death. So I'm going to need this off my hands. It's, it's somebody's like breaking

cafe for a minute. Like, listen, I know I talked about like, oh, he was a doll and he died out here. But my cat did die. I ran over a tree and my son and that washer. I don't even have time to formulate a good sentence. I really, I need, I need this thing out. It's fun talking about like Stephanie and she can make orbs and she changes the radio to the station she was listening to when she died in the car accident at prom night. Like that's fun. This one, this one killed, this one killed McCat and broke my washer and did a car accident with my son, step son into a tree, I guess. Who I love. I love very much. I love him so much. This has been a bat. Yeah, I just need this fucking doll. You are going to have to pay me for it though. But the fact that it is one dollar,

I'm not like, I'm a little bit scared of this. I have, I have, I do have some fear on it. I'll get it for you. No, I super, super don't. Yeah, I don't know. I don't want it. You're buying it right now, aren't you? No, I pray I'm respecting you. I'm old enough now. I've been around the block enough times to know. How about another question? Well, can I ask you guys a question? Sure. This is not really the format, but okay. You're right. Okay. Mini man's scud thumper, maker of wood, worn wood, shrub ruster, sky mokker, rave, poorly pusher, wind slave. What am I? Oh, fuck me. Riddle me this, boys. Yeah, we're sure. We need a stinger or something for the riddles. What am I? A kite. No, dummy. A balloon.

Stop being so dumb. Justin. I wanted to mention our friend Adolfi who plays Chunt on Hello for the Magic Tavern started this great podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a great show where he and two other great improv comedians solve lateral thinking puzzles and it's very fun. If you like riddles, you should check that show out. If you hate riddles, welcome to our great segment. Hey, Riddle Riddle. No, wait, I don't think we should still. Can I get you with Riddle Me Piss? Okay, Riddle Me Piss. That's excellent. Okay. So Travis, let's- Mini man's scud thumper, maker of worn wood, shrub ruster, sky mokker. Can you say the word comma? Can you just say the word Yes. Mini man's scud thumper, comma, maker of worn wood, comma, shrub ruster, comma, sky mokker,

comma, rave exclamation point. What's the last one? What's that one? What's that one? What's that one? Rave? Rave is just the one? Rave exclamation point, portly pusher, comma, wind slave. That's hyphenated, period. What am I? It's not a kite. We've established it's not a kite. I mean, but most of those things you said aren't fucking words, so that feels like a bad thing to have in a riddle. I'm just going to tell you now. Okay. It's the ocean, I guess. Does it say that? Holy shit, Travis. That's the answer. I know. Hickory dickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, then down did come. Hickory dickory dock. What am I? A mouse? No, dumb shit. What is it? The guillotine.

All right. We got one sent to us actually by Matthew McGravy. Thanks, Matt. This is the riddle. You go into the woods to get it, then you sit down to find it, then you go home because you couldn't find it. I have no idea. Fish? You go into the woods to get fish, then you sit down to find fish, then you go home because you couldn't find fish. Maybe. A place to sit. No, the answer is a splinter. What? Yeah, you go into the woods to get a splinter, and then you sit down to find the splinter, then you go home because you couldn't find this. I can't find this fucking thing. I'm going home. Okay, here's a good one for riddles.com. You don't see me unless you heat me. You don't smell me unless you make me. You don't know I'm here until it's too late. I have seen countless

generations and light parchment always magnifies my presence. What am I? What? They were trying to write something. They got halfway through when they were like, this is fucking nothing. I just want this riddle to be over with. I'm going to read it again. You don't see me unless you heat me. You don't smell me unless you make me. You don't know I'm here until it's too late. I have seen countless generations and light parchment always magnifies my presence. What am I? I don't know. It's invisible ink, but like, what the fuck? Wait, that's it? It's just invisible ink is the thing on this one. What the actual shit? I, okay, I love this one because I'll just read it. I run, it runs. I stop, it runs. What it it?

This is, I'm imagining like a wizard sitting on top of a mountain and I've climbed the mountain and I've come to get his orb because it's the only thing that will heal my wife. And I fought many sort of, you know, skeletons along the way, but I've made it finally to the top of the wizard's mountain. And then he says, I run, it runs. I stop, it runs. What it it? Ah, fuck, I fucked it up. Man, you came a long way for my orb and I fucked up the riddle. Just take the orb. What it it? A car? Nope. My heart? Nope. Okay, let me, I'll, I'll, I want to read them all together. I'll read you the clues to the answer. I run, it runs. I stop, it runs. My watch. My watch. My watch. All right. I think the rule of fives is that has carried us to the end of the

riddle segment. Hey, this is the end of Riddle Me Piss. I did just want to say real quick before we go, what is the best thing about Switzerland? Okay. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know. Hey, it's a riddle. What's the best thing about Switzerland? Chocolate. The mountains are beautiful. There's skiing. There's a lot of alpine sort of activities. I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. Wait, is that on riddles.com? That's for riddles.com and it's okay. What's the rating? What's the rating? It's actually just a joke. So it's not technically a riddle, so they still fucked it up. Should we do it? We've done one question and one yahoo and that doesn't seem great. Eight riddles because this show loves riddles now. We're a riddle podcast now.

This is a riddle podcast. It's a riddle podcast. We're riddlers. The only fun thing on earth is riddles and I love riddles. I have a good yahoo. You all want to hear it real quick? Sure, yeah. This is sent in by Emily Mercurio. Thank you. It's from yahoo answers user Ravenhill asks, how to get over losing important JPEG pictures on your PC? Years ago, I had some really cool pictures I got from some website in 2012. I can't remember if the pictures were on my Windows 7 laptop or my Windows 7 desktop PC or even my old Windows XP desktop, which crashed and broke. But I've checked my laptop and Windows 7 PC and these cool pictures of demons are not on either. I'm not sure what happened to the pictures because I have so many files and pictures,

but I put it down that they are likely lost forever. I can't remember what website I got the pictures from either and the website's probably not around now. How do I get over this? I love art and pictures from the net. Okay, one more time. I'm not going to read all that again, juice, but the pictures that I had on my PCs, there were some cool pictures of demons that I downloaded from the net. And I don't know where those went. I had some cool demon pictures. I had a bunch of very, very cool skeleton pictures with guns. And then I had a few pictures of some of my favorite matrix characters. And they're not on the my PC anymore. And I don't even remember I got them off the net. So how do I got this person? Because you could come onto my PC and

delete like 23 to 27 of my pictures of matrix characters. And I wouldn't even notice because I have so many saved. All right, my friend Dylan has a 56k and he downloaded it all for me for about $4. You can put them on a desk. What I do is I'll save like Neo and then also like Neo one, Neo two and just save the same JPEG a couple times just because you got to you have some backups in there. So it's like just try to delete all of my NEOs. You won't even find one because some of them I named Morpheus. So I have a cloud account that I upload most of my matrix stuff to and I feel guilty about that because it feels kind of counter to what the matrix guys were all about. Yes, they mean all the matrix characters like if Morpheus found out

you didn't let Morpheus be like, oh, yeah, I put pictures of him on the cloud. It's like if I was in the matrix and I, you know, was on the cool sewer ships that they were on because I got real, I would be like, I hate the cloud. Yeah. Yeah. So I have that and then I have one just to be safe like a flash drive, but it's a big one. It's like 300 megabytes or something. And it's full of like JPEGs I downloaded off the internet in the early 2000s. And I put that in a sort of Faraday cage in my garage just in case like if there is the big one, then the pictures will, I can still look at them on, ah, shoot, I'm not going to be able to look at them on my computers. This thing gets, you know, fried up by the big one. But the good news about the big ones

is it's going to kill all the AI. Yeah. Can you, can you imagine anything that make you happier than being at your local library and seeing someone sitting on a computer scrolling through the Google image search results for cool pictures from the matrix and just like, yep, good one. You're coming home with me. How much is it? How much is it to print each one out? Yeah, that's fine. Like 10, 10 cents. Okay. Just can't have a credit card like keep it running. I'm going to be open a tab. I'm going to be printing out a lot of these bad boys. Do you have three hole punch? Okay, thank you. Can you keep a secret? Don't tell anybody how many of these I'm about to print out because it's going to be

absolutely ludicrous. If work gets out, I'll, I'll never be able to show my face in city council again. Yeah, there's, it was a two for one at Michael's. I just had them all taken care of. This one's kind of my pride and joy. They've cut the pictures in the shape of the letters M A T T R I X and they've cut the photos out like that. And I did have a talk with them about the spelling thing because that is hugely embarrassing for me. I can't even have my nephews over because he makes such terrible fun of me. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to be proud of their uncle, but I'm so embarrassed, but not so embarrassed that I won't display it in my home because it is a treasure. I didn't pay to have those printed out at the library. So I'm thinking

of turning my, changing my name to Matt just so it makes a little more sense. Right. Then people will at least be like, Oh, it's a thing, but you didn't use to be Matt and I'll say, or maybe it's a glitch in the matrix and we'll have a good laugh. Anyways, that's why I didn't see that parking meter and I didn't pay it. Please, please cancel this ticket or whatever you need to do. I know I haven't seen the matrix movies. At this point, I feel like I have though. You understand your art. I got a lot of collectible stuff from like McDonald's and such. And at this point, I pretty much pieced it together. Um, quick side story. When I was in seventh grade, I was in our middle school library where I did

spend most of my lunches and the story is not going to be sad the whole way through, but just sort of during this part of it. And you know what? It might be sad the whole way through, depending on how you look at it, but I did print out a game facts walkthrough for Pokemon Golden Silver. And I didn't realize when I did that that it was going to be about 290 pages long. And um, yeah, I did get, I got in a lot of trouble and I was, I was sort of a volunteer at the, at the middle school library and I was not invited back the following year because I, I did get a stern talking to, because this is not a good heist because it, it was a dot matrix printer. So that was like two days. Yeah. It was a good, it was a good long time.

I did not get the full print going. I think I got about 60 pages in before the librarian came over like, you've been printing for a long, what's a Cubone? And I was like, uh, folks, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. Uh, Trab, did you have some, some things you want to talk about? I know the big one, the big, the big thing. We'll start with that. Yeah. So a lot of announcements, but all of these, uh, at least all of like the, the dates of appearances and stuff that's all going to be on macroichows.com slash tours. So I want to move through it pretty quick. But the big announcement is at the end of September, September 26th through the 28th, we are coming to Seattle and Portland on September

26. Uh, we're coming to Seattle with my brother, my brother and me September 27th. Uh, it's the Adventure Zone, both of those at the Paramount Theater. And then on September 28th, we're going to be in Portland at the Schnitzer concert hall with my brother, my brother and me. Those are going on sale this Friday at 10 a.m. local time. So it'll be 10 a.m. local to Seattle in Portland. Um, on sale Friday, the 17th at 10 a.m. Pacific time. Yeah. Pacific time. 10 a.m. Pacific. I'm just reading the thing. So you'll have some time to get ready. Uh, so we have a couple days, but this Friday, 10 a.m. Pacific. Um, now I'm going to run through these really quick. So dad and I are going to be in Lexington, Kentucky this Saturday, the 18th at 2 p.m.

at Joseph Beth Booksellers to sign copies of the Adventure Zone graphic novel. That'll be the day after my vasectomy. So make sure to ask both of them how it went. Um, we are doing the tour at the end of the month, uh, in Orlando in August or sorry, Orlando and Atlanta. So make sure you send in your questions. Um, and then while I'm there, I'm going to be doing some stuff at DragonCon. Uh, I've already announced the photo sessions and I'm also doing some other stuff that we haven't nailed down yet, but I'll be at DragonCon. Uh, Schmanner's is going to be at the London podcast festival September 8th. Um, you can get tickets for that on McRoyshows.com slash tours and also Schmanner's and friends. We're inviting a lot of cool people to join us to the show

are going to be at New York Comic Con October 6th. Like I said, all of those links, McRoyshows.com slash tours. Also the Adventure Zone graphic novel is on sale now. The AdventureZoneComic.com or at any fine bookseller. If you've already read it, go buy six more copies or just like tell your friends. Um, and the Saw Bones book is available for pre-order on Amazon. Go pre-order it now. Or get a bit.ly for it slash the Saw Bones book. Podcom, the Indiegogo is going on now. We're going to be there, but it's full of amazing shows. You can go to bit.ly slash McRoy Podcom to support the Indiegogo now, help us fund it and bring out as many amazing people as we can. Um, I want to thank John, Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song.

It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's such a good album. And, um, I really like it a lot. And all the, all the Long Winters albums are really dope, but this is the only one that has our theme song on it. I also want to thank Max Fun for having us on the network. You can go to Maxfunfun.org and check out all the great shows there. Shows like, uh, Bubble and, uh, Bullseye and, uh, any other ones that start with B, Beef and Dairy Network, that was fun. There's a lot of shows on there. So many that you can do like alliteration. There's Brenly Byer. Brenly Byer is great. Um, yeah, all at Maxfunfun.org. And if you want to hear other stuff, we do it at McRoyshows.com. All right. You know what that, that final?

You know I do. Yeah, sure. This one was sent in by Mike Eckert. Thanks, Mike. See how he answers user Essex asks in all caps. What kind of milk do chess player drink? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, have you checked out the Maxfun store recently? If you head to maxfunstore.com now, you'll see a bunch of cool new stuff in there, along with your old favorites. We've got a colorful retro inspired bubble shirt, plus stickers, buttons and a poster. Reading

glasses fans will love their new library book inspired shirt. And if you're a fan of beef, check back Friday for the debut of our Beef and Dairy Network merch. We've got all that and more from a ton of Maxfun shows. There's even a Rocket Logo skateboard deck there. So go click around, see what we've got in stock and buy yourself something fun at maxfunstore.com.