My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 421: Spoonhog

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

We're back with a completely sequential new episode! One that doesn't violate the sanctity of the podcast time-stream. It's got just the normal amount of weed humor in it. Gonna be a good one. Suggested talking points: Bogart My Dad, Muggin' Stuffins, The Dark Knight's The Joker, Twizzler Forensics, The Office Spoon, Butterfly Claws, Teen Financial Advice

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother. My brother me and advice show for the Modgernera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Once upon a time, I was one of the co-hosts of the Joystick podcast, and we got to episode 99

and realized that the week following would be our 100th episode. We weren't able to be prepared enough, maybe is another way of putting it, to actually get it together to do something special for a 100th episode. We released episode 98, episode 98A, episode 98B, episode 98C, episode 99, 99.75, 99A, and then episode 100. We did that this one time. Know why I'm relating that anecdote right now, but welcome to episode 421 of my brother, my brother, and me. We're so happy you've joined us here for our just the regular amount of lead discussion episodes of our podcast. Standard amounts. Keeping it right between the navigational beacons. This is how much regular people like ourselves talk about weed. Not too much. Not

too little. Just sort of the one thing. I think the one thing this episode, Willie Nelson's roll me up and smoke me when I die. Does it count as a living will? Discuss. Are there going to be people when Willie Nelson passes away from this earth and holy shit, we can't really talk about celebrities in this context anymore. We've been doing this show for eight years since Broken Bad on us so many times. Love Willie, keep it up. But when he does pass on, is there going to be somebody who's like, all right, here's a big, big rolling paper, and somebody's going to be like, hey, hold on, this is a dude. And they're like, no, this scene was very explicitly clear in the song. I don't want to do this either. I don't want you

to think I'm excited about smoking your man. I don't want to cheat this dude. He's got hair and bones and the whole deal. It's not going to go well. It's not going to go good, but it's legally binding. Please don't bogart my dad. No, we're talking about it too much. Let me get some of that kind, kind dad. So anyway, that's it. We can't talk about it anymore. Just a regular amount of weed. Because if we're not careful, this will become 420. If we're not careful, it'll be 420, and that'll be bad for us. It's not. We made promises. 421, eventually, maybe we should just put 420 up for sale as like a sponsored episode. If you want us to make 420, we did have a possible situation that we thought would be a good fit for that. That did not come together, did not congeal,

which is fine. That's the biz, as Jesse keeps telling us. It's the biz. He says that a lot. Sometimes he just yells it at us. It's the biz. This is the biz. I never see him smoke cigarettes, except for when he's telling us about the biz after we've gone through a pretty hard knock. He lights up a big long cigarette, and he tells us that it is the biz and that we need to just learn to handle it. He was in there. This was actually really hard for me. I went in to ask Jesse about this sponsorship, and he is in there holding court. It's him, Alex Bloomberg, Ira Glass is there, Kerry Hoffman, the whole gang, all the luminaries are here. The Illuminatiaries? Is that what you're saying? The Illuminatiaries? He's like,

hey, Alex. I was like, hey, Jesse, I wanted to see how that sponsorship was going. Jesse says, hey, Alex, watch this. He takes the ashtray full of cigarette butts because he had been getting stowed for this and just upends them onto my lap. Some of them are still hot, some kind of like I'm just like patting my crotch really fast. Everybody's like losing it. Adam Corolla, everybody's loving it. Then Jesse takes this glass ashtray, which is heavy as all get out and just chucks it right at my head. I black out. There's blood. Alex Bloomberg loving it, losing it. Absolutely in stitches about this. Jesse comes over and he has one more cigarette and he's like, oh, hey, you spilled my ashtray. This is your

problem now. He flicks lit cigarette into my mouth. He says, it's the biz. He makes me leave. How many, in that whole interaction, Justin, about how many cigarettes did Jesse smoke? Eight cigarettes from start to finish. I mean, he's crushing them. Now, all at once? Three at once. And how many of them were in long, very intricate holders? The first three were in long, intricate holders and he inhaled those in one drag. He pulled down three cigarettes in one drag. Then he had a coughing fit that lasted for around 15 minutes, but everybody was like frozen solid. You could tell that this had happened before and somebody

had spoke and maybe it hadn't gone so good for them. Everybody's just like froze in terror. They got two ashtrays thrown right at Adam. Yeah, and not always a lot of ashtrays. What I've heard, and maybe this is just a complete rumor, but I've heard if you record those coughing fits and slow them down, those are full episodes of Bullseye. That's how we do it. That's how we do it. Every WonderSquare podcast come from, there you go. It all starts when Jesse smokes three cigarettes like a cartoon The Devil from the 1930s. And then he sees a podcast that he likes and he's like, oh, God, and he turns into a wolf. Speaking of wolf, it was weird how Scott Ackerman kept asking if he could take my thumbs.

And Jesse was like, no, Scott, no. And Scott Ackerman was like, please. We have the thumbs, Jesse. Take them literally. This was not some kind of metaphor. Oh, no, dude. You ever seen that dude's thorax? Covered with thumbs. Yeah, Scott Ackerman wanted to take my thumbs, but Jesse wouldn't let him. Really? Yeah, really? Yeah. Yeah, you lay him down flat on the floor like he's planking and he just walks on the thumbs. It's horrible. It's horrible to watch. Was the floating entity known as Gumhead there? Gumhead, of course, who started Head Gum? I'm sorry, not a lot of people know this.

It was started by a living floating celestial being, maybe? Do you mean former guest spurts, Jake and Amir? Yes, correct. Well, that's Jake and Amir were there. That's their human form. But when they joined together, they become Gumhead. Wow. Did I mention Carrie Hoffman tased me and I was already on the ground. It was uncalled for, but she was like PRXXX and then jam it into my chest. It sucked. She already had the taser charged up. She was like ready for it. It was miserable. Anyway, let's get to the questions. Here's our first one. A couple of weeks ago, I was walking downtown and a guy and his girlfriend asked me for change for a dollar.

We were near a parking meter, so this seemed reasonable to me and I pulled out my wallet. The guy immediately grabbed my wallet out of my hands and ran about a half of a block away with it. Then he turned back around and gave me my wallet back. In the end, I guess he stole my cash, which amounted to about $5. What happened? Was it a prank? No, no, you can't leave. You left out a savory fucking juice. Oh, okay, okay, sorry. You can't. You got to give them the whole trip. I skipped a parenthetical. Shame on me. In the end, I guess he stole my cash, which amounted to $5. Actually, it was $6, but he left me $1. A juicy deed. What happened? Was it a prank? Did he give up? Is this the thing that happens? I mean, it was technically a theft of $5,

but I was so relieved, I went out to cancel and replaced my cards and I'm okay with that. And it says from never going downtown again. This is so dope. This is my shit. This is really nice of the mugger. I mean, what is it? Is it? Where you dress is like the Monopoly man and like the mugger saw you and was like, ah, a juicy target, but what they didn't know is you'd spent almost all of your money except $6 on that Monopoly man costume. Okay. We need to take, you guys are looking at the little picture. You're looking at one green of sand on the beach. I'm going to look at the whole fucking beach because I don't know if this is a mugging. I am not convinced this is a mugging. What are you thinking? Imagine if you will,

you're young and you're trying to show off to a new significant other and you're having some fun downtown and you're having that downtown fun and you're having a conversation about mugging and you say like, I bet I could mug and it would be great. And your significant other is like, no, you won't do it. And then you walk up to somebody and you mug them a little bit. And this is not even a mugging. You got your fucking wallet back. It's a little bit of a mugging, but come on. And then you bring it back as like a jokie joke, but you did take $5 from them. So it's kind of like a cute, like flirty, like fun, flirty dare. Do you know what I mean? Like a truth of dare, fun, flirt, dare. I mean, let's recontextualize this, right? If somebody broke

into my house, but only stole something worth $5, how would I feel? Yeah, was it a flirty dare, though, with like a significant other they're trying to show off in press outside? Like they broke it in my house and they stole the magnet that I got at Kings Island, right? Am I going to press charges? I don't know. You catch them in the act, they spring out the window laughing. They also stole a precious necklace, but they hand you the necklace back through the broken window they smash. And then they walk outside. You see them with a significant other and then they show them the magnet and then they high-five and kiss and laugh. And then they walk off and you're like, oh, fair dinkum. You did a flirty. It's possible that this is the perfect crime,

well, we're describing, because like if you go under Robert Bank and you steal millions of dollars, but you come back seconds later, you hand them back the bags of money and you're like, here's back a million dollars. I did keep $200. And they're like, huh, okay, well, you could have made off with the millions and you didn't. Yeah. So yeah, keep that 200 bucks. Okay, bye. Thank you. Can we just create a system where like, I don't know how many muggers listen to this show, but if we could just all agree on a little bit of etiquette that, listen, you're going to make me cancel the cards, but I'm going to cancel the cards for use the cards. Yeah. There's no need for that. You don't need my license. If we could just

agree that like, you're going to, okay, you got me. Okay, you got me. And then you get my cash. All right. And when you move on, here's a, you shouldn't have cash anyway. For no one, you just refer to the cash in your wallet as muggin' stuffens. Yeah. That's just my muggin' stuffens. It's for when I get mugged and I will deserve it because I was carrying all of this muggin' stuffens. Don't have too much. I have six bucks in there. No, you got me. If we, if we codify this though, Justin, in the way that you're describing, I'm worried, I'm worried it's going to be so easy. Can you say that real quick for muggin' stuffens? Yeah. If you kind of, if you, if you haven't, I mean, if we have two wallets, right? What were you doing today, Bob? Muggin'

stuff? Yeah. We got a right but cheek wallet. And in that one, we have driver's license, easily cancelable credit cards, pictures of our kids and loved ones. And then our left but cheek, we have a smaller wallet. This one is going to contain all our money. And then like, maybe a punch card for, you know, a subway sandwich that you have all the way going. Cause if I was a mugger and I saw that, I'd be like, hmm, hello, hell yeah. That's like six bucks right there. And then when you get mugged, you're like, oh, here, take, just take my left wallet. Just take my left wallet. This is, this is my muggin' stuffens. I'm worried if we do that, Justin, it's going to be kind of flag football. I'm worried it's going to be so easy to mug

people that I might start doing it. Because if the, if you got me. But then Griffin, you, okay, so you mugged Steve, right? But then Jerry turns around and mugs you. What if there's just one, okay, what if we make it, there's just one money wallet and everybody's mugging everybody going, do you have the money wallet? That's socialism. I think the way from the core argument, which is this, if you make mugging a crime, only the criminals will mug. Wouldn't it be more fun if getting mugged could be some, come something of an opportunity to meet new people? Sure, sure. And just don't have too much cash in your wallet. So it's not going to cost you too much. You're just getting mugged and it's not a crime. So the person mugging you is not a criminal. They

could be your neighbor, your best friend, whatever. You are getting mugged though and it's a shake down. And, and here's the one thing about the system that I've created that, which may have some flaws. It's too early to say. If you don't give them a wallet, they will fuck you up. They have a card block. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real mugging. It's a real mugging. Sure. It's just not illegal. Okay. Man, juice, I gotta say, you sound like the Dark Knights, the Joker right now. Like just full of chaos and. I love chasing cars. Really? Can I do it right here? Wait, what? Justin, do you chase cars? I'm like, I'm like a pup chasing a car. I mean, I'm loving the hunt of the car and just going for it. 24 set of chaos too. Oh, maybe. Yeah,

when I get that, when I get that car, I'm going to bite it a lot. I almost finished his famous monologue that I memorized verbatim Griffin. Sorry, keep going. Can I please finish the Joker's monologue? Yeah, please, please, please. I gotta start over at the beginning. Okay. Can I be Harvey Dent? Yeah. Okay. Oh, man, this burns a lot. This, this is a real stinger. Are you Batman Travis? Yeah, I guess if that's the only one left. Okay, but he's not in this scene. So please respect that. I gotta hold my mouth like this. I'm just like a dog chasing a car. Hey, is the Joker in here? Yeah, it's me, the Joker. Sit down. I'm doing a monologue. Oh, sorry. I didn't, I didn't mean to interrupt. No, it's fine. I'll start at the beginning. It's

pretty good. I need an ointment. I'm just like a dog chasing a car for the love of the chase and to keep my exercise fitness at 100%. You gotta get your steps in. I'm starting over. I'm just like a dog. Stop interrupting me, Batman. I'm like a dog chasing a car. Uh-huh. Did somebody knock something out? No, I'm flipping a coin to see if I should blow you goons away. Shoot your asses. I'm starting over. I'm just like a dog. Uh-huh. And I'm chasing a car. And it's my number one, a car. Okay. You want to get nuts? No. You've already answered the devil while you're chasing a car. Yeah, yeah. Well, you sure do lick yourself a lot. Give me, give me your wallet, Joker.

You'll never get it. Okay. Well, now I have to beat you up. I have 100 wallets and I'm gonna set them all on fire. Okay. And scene. That's how, of course, that was not a recording of the famous film Batman does it again. That was us doing it. Weirdly enough. Griffin, do you have a Yahoo? Did you say? Ah, yeah, I do. This one was sent in by Adrian Cowles. Thank you, Adrian. It's Yahoo Answers user Jules, who asks, my stupid brother might have given my dog a Twizzler. How can I tell for sure? Breaking it down. I want to get forensic on this motherfucker and figure out how we can figure out, how they can figure out if their stupid brother did give their dog a Twizzler and how they can tell for sure. If it was a Gusher, it would be easy. A Gusher's would be easy

because there would be dribbling juice down the doggy's chin. And that would be so easy to diagnose you would get near the chin, smell it. If it smelled like, you know, watermelon or a grape. The dog's head would have become a watermelon, Griffin. Of course. How silly of me. That is the joke you were making and I fucked it up. Start it again. Read the question again. Start over. If it was a Gusher, it would be easy. Because it's a fruit head. Justin, any jokes? No, I want to hear the question for once. My stupid brother might have given my dog a Twizzler. How can I tell for sure? Well, if it was an airhead, his head would have blown up real big. It's a shame it wasn't that. All right, all right, all right. If it was a Tizzy Roll Papa,

Owl would have come and taken it. So any other fun candy commercial sort of things. If it was Skittles, Skittles would have popped all over his face and body because Skittles box. Yeah. If it was a fuck, shit. My favorite candy bar, fuck shit. There's probably not a ring pop. It was a great slogan for that one. How they get to me. God damn nuts. It was actually the first candy that was ever discontinued before it was released. So you see a lot of retro sites. Do you remember this? Hey, 90s kids, remember this one? And we all say no. It's like, well, it was discontinued, wasn't it? All right. There was a kid in middle school

who swore up and down that he had had a fuck shit once. But when when pressed, he couldn't really give us any details except that there was a goddamn lot of nuts in it. So he got damn nuts. His uncle, he said, worked at the fuck shit factory. But here's the thing about the fuck shit factory. Nobody ever goes in. Nobody ever comes out. Come with me, and you'll be in this fucking righteous candy factory. We got nuts. Holy shit. Do we have nuts? I actually, one time I got invited to go into the fuck shit factory, but then Mr. Fuckworth came by and he told me that he would give me God, his words, a goddamn lot of nuts. If I would deliver to him the fuck shit recipe and I ran and ran and I'd never

stopped running if I'm being honest. And I think that really has led me to where I am now. So that's the Twizzler. How can we, the dog ate a Twizzler, I think. And so I just want to help this person. So we've had a lot of fun just cussing a bunch, but I'm wondering if we can help this person who dogs might be. Twizzler's sick. If you scrubs want to eat my goddamn nuts, are you sure that you can handle it? Here's the thing about dogs and Twizzlers. They don't like them. You don't or dogs don't. You know what? I'm ambivalent to them. They're definitely better than red vines. Don't at me. But I don't think a dog would like a Twizzler, would they? I mean, my dog would literally eat anything. It's just the gummy consistency's

probably not a dog's fave. But regardless, that's, how can we know for sure? I don't want to do an Ian Malcolm Dookie analysis. Actually, he wasn't into it, was he? He hated that they were putting their hands inside the Dino Dookie. So I did a quick search of Animal Hub where I get all my facts and figures. And the answer to this question that was posed by Seth, can dogs eat Twizzlers? Oh, here's the answer for y'all. To specifically answer the question, can dogs eat Twizzlers? Strictly, the answer is yes. Okay. There's no harm done for the dogs to ingest them. Besides, they are known to be safe for consumption as even kids love to eat them. So, wait, here's what it says here. Too much is bad. Twizzlers may be safe for dogs. However,

they should not be recommended to be given to your dogs in large quantity. Fucking shit. Yeah. How many will we eat? Okay. But also, you can't say like, kids like to eat them so it's safe because my kid likes grapes. And if I give my dog a grape, I believe she'll explode. So like, that's not a good metric for that. My kid also loves chocolate. Like, that's not a good metric. And I was not supposed to do grapes. No. Oh, shit, I gotta go. Well, well, I guess I should ask, does anybody know how to make a dog poop now? To get it out. Okay. Twizzlers, we'll give them diarrhea. Hi, brothers. I work at a grocery store deli in a rural area. And a few days ago, someone came to the counter who I am 95% sure is a

moderately famous Hollywood actor. Stop, stop, stop. Let's just scroll through the question and see if they say who the actor is. Because it's not, I don't think it is. And if this is the case, like, how can we approach this one in good faith? On what? Yeah, how we can't, you have to tell us who it is. Yeah, email us email us next week. Try it again. Email us again next week and let us know who it is because we can't. That's true, because like, there are there are Hollywood celebs that if you said they got away to a rural area, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is that this is the first time we've ever sent something back for a second draft, send it in, say who it is, we'll do this one again. But this we can't not not know. Yes. And please include the original

text of your question. We have to know who the person is. It means everything. And use the same sign off. We won't say it here, but that way I can. Yes, and actually reply to your first email that you sent to keep it like thread and send us a Bitcoin for $100. I work in it all. It works. I want a $300 of Bitcoin. I work in an office building that has a kitchen and we've discovered that many of our spoons are going missing at an alarming rate. My boss has personally bought new spoons to replace the missing ones on enough occasions that she dressed up as a spoon for Halloween to remind people of the issue. Sounds like a fun person. She won the costume competition in case you're wondering. I was. I was. Where are our spoons going? And how could I stop this from

happening? That's from burglarized in Baltimore. Oh, I got it. I know. What is it? Up your butt and around the corner. Next question. Okay. Wow. Right. Little intense. I wish this would happen to me because I have a sad story for y'all. I a few years ago was in need of spoons because we were out and we went through them a lot. I was in need of spoons and I got a container of spoons and it was like an eight pack, right? So like eight spoons, eight forks, eight knives. Get home, put them into the server drawer and you'll never believe this. Okay. I hate these. Oh, no. I hate these spoons. What's wrong? They feel. Okay. One, they have no heft. They feel like they're made of plastic. Two, the top is shaped like baby spoons. I can't get four crunches

of Captain Crunchy in here. I can't get. I can't get. Oh, it's a shallow. It's not a deep. It's a shallow, like a shallow, narrow, tiny spoon that is weak and there is nothing powerful about this spoon. It is a weak spoon that I hate and I have eight of them now and I would do anything if someone could give me an excuse to replace these spoons. Please spoon thief. If you're hearing this, come steal my spoons. Yeah, these miserable spoons. Can we all agree? I have not reached into the silver drawer when I needed a friendly spoon to help me eat my cereal soups or whatever, whatever, what have you. I have not reached into that drawer and mindfully chosen a small spoon, a little spoon, I guess a teaspoon over a big boy spoon since I was an eight years old.

That's, it's a wild choice to make. Why would I, do you want to work twice as hard for the same amount of soup? No, I don't. I want, I want to carry a lot of soup up to my mouth with each go and I don't know why the littler spoons even exist. I want, I want the spoon to endanger the corners of my mouth. I will say that with big fork versus tiny fork, tiny fork. Sometimes I look and I'm like, yeah, this is a thin food. I don't need that big fork. This is a conservationist. I'm going to save my energy. I don't need to lift the extra weight of the big fork. But with the spoon, I agree with you Griffin, those little spoons, that's for my baby now. My baby can have those spoons. How cool would this movie be if I was having dinner with the queen and I showed up on my

scooter I rented from the street and I rode into Buckingham and rolled up to the table and then they were like, you're late. And I was like, fuck off and sat down and I threw my backpack under the table. And then they started and they served up a soup and I took like four of the seven sort of implements that were lining my plate. And I just threw them to the ground and they're like, what are you doing? And I was like, gang, you only need the big spoon and you need the big fork and maybe a knife for hard meat. And that's it. And then they all were like, oh, shit, you're right. And then I pulled out my boombox and we had a party and that's the end of the movie. And so this one's called Manners, Schmanners and Travis, I'm gonna, wait a minute. Yeah, no, I'm going to borrow

it. But this is, it's what I believe in really strong. And I think Mike Myers is going to play every role but me. Okay. And to solve your problem, burglarism in Baltimore, what you're going to want to do is much like coffee shops do, you want to get a bigger spoon, chain that to the regular spoons. And so that way people are less likely to steal it because it has like a big dangly, I don't know, spatula or a spoon, maybe just a big piece of wood on there, something so they have to return the spoon back to you. Would it be helpful if this is a thought? What if, what's the, what, you see a big stack of spoons, huge stack of spoons, big sexy spoons with the curve just the way you like. What's the first thing you want to do?

Put them right in my butt. Yeah, put it around your pocket. Exactly, stuff right in your pocket. What if there's just one spoon for the whole office? And it's like, it's a member of the family. If somebody steals this motherfucker, it's on like, and you know it because you are waiting on it. You were waiting on the spoon. You cannot get that spoon out of the break room. No way. Someone else needs to stir their Cremora into their, their decaf. They need a spoon. I'm just going over your yearly review here. Your numbers have been good. Your customer service reviews are way up. Now, I do see here that you hog the spoon. Did you hog a little bit of a spoon hog, Victoria? You're fired. Spoon hog. It's my favorite, James Bond villain. It's a good one. So what if we

have everybody in the office? Say there's enough spoons for you. Never enough spoons for you, spoon hog. Never a fork will do. Why not a spoon of 2,000? Spoon hog. What if everybody has their own spoon? Oh, I gotta, I gotta point out, I was doing, I was doing kind of a parody cover of Soundgarden Spoon Man, but Justin took it and ran with it in such a different direction. I made a parody cover of Chris Cornell's theme from Casino Royale. Yeah, but I mean, Skyfall would have matched sort of the, the Skyfall spoon hog. Or like Goldfinger, you guys had like Spoonfinger. Mine was not a parody, it was a pastiche. I was capturing that guy. Oh, an homage? It was an homage. I was capturing, it's like a, it's like how,

you know, that weird song, everything you know is wrong. It's sort of like a toned parody or a pastiche of there might be giants. That's kind of what I was going for. A sound light, a tone, a tone parody, a pastiche. Yeah, maybe if we say pastiche 80 more times. Can we just go to the money zone? We've never done this before, but we're just going to go back and forth on this one. Amp versus Amp. Yeah. Okay. All right. You know, folks, hiring is challenging, right, Griffin? Yeah, I hate doing it, but there are lots of, well, there's not. There's really just the one way to make things easier, huh, Juice? Yeah, that place is Zip Recruiter, isn't it, Griffin? Yeah, they make hiring simple, fast-hand smart in that right, Travis?

No. Yeah. Yes. Zip Recruiter sends your job to over, how many, Griffin? 100. Travis? Of the webs, Justin? Leading job boards, but it's true. They don't stop there with their power from matching technology. Zip Recruiter will scan your DNA and your blood, and they'll steal your DNA and your blood, and they'll legally force you to take whatever job they see as the right fit for your genetic pickup. Anyway, it's like the giver. It's kind of like the giver. Like basically the giver. With your boring Zip Recruiter assigns you a job. Do you feel a chip in the back of your neck? That's Zip Recruiter. You are to have it. Now, can you see colors? Do you feel emotions? Good news, Zip Recruiter has designated you

as a giver. Okay, I have to tell you legally what the gene splicers at Zip Recruiter actually do is they scan thousands of resumes using their latent psychic gene powers to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply to your job. That's what they actually do. All right, now we can go back to goof arounds. Right now, our listeners can try Zip Recruiter for free at this exclusive web address. Folks, that's underlined and bold and italicized. So, Zip Recruiter really wanted me to say out loud, exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash my brother. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash M-Y-B-R-O-T-H-E-R. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Advertisers don't keep advertising with you if it fits the direct response like this, right? The

way this game works is advertisers take out an ad and they have something like that, that link that you're supposed to use to try Zip Recruiter for free. And if enough people use that, it's called direct response. They know that people are using that thing. They heard it on our show and we did a good ad and so people are using it. Zip Recruiter has been advertising with us for years. So, shockingly, at some point, apparently at many points, our listeners of my brother, my brother, and me have been listening to the three of us chuckle fucks and thought, ah, these are the guys I should turn to for hiring advice. I'm going to do what they told me to do. Like a lot of you do it and thank you so much, but it's very shocking to me. This is how undeniable

the Zip Recruiter service is. Is it sounds so strong and powerful that even three dum-dums cannot fuck it up. It's so good. It's Zip Recruiter. You got to. Can I tell you about Squarespace? Please do. Yeah, okay. Okay. But in doing this, I'm actually going to promote my own project that I use Squarespace to correct. You can go to ButtercupIsAVeryGoodGirl.com to find a website I made on Squarespace in about five minutes that is just a slideshow of nice pictures of my dog Buttercup who is very cute. It's, I think it's a very good website. And like I said, it was really like maybe five minutes. And that's what Squarespace does because you could, let's see, let me run through what I did here. Create a beautiful website too. Turn your cool idea into a new website.

Check. Showcase your work. I took these pictures of Buttercup. Check. Announce an upcoming event or special project. This is a special project. Check. And more. Check. What? This website sucks. No, Buttercup is a very good dog. But I'm looking at it now, man. There's no fucking games. There's no like flash animations. There's a slideshow of good dog pictures. There's like six picks, but no games. I have a frequently asked question section. I've got about Buttercup section. Why exactly did you put your credit card in so many of these pictures? You could make it out in literally every other one. Can you fucking update the homepage at least to have it say like games are coming? Yeah. I will add games on the way under construction. I haven't finished the website yet,

but please come back to it. I'm sorry. There's no games yet. I'll add some. I'll add some flash dating games where you can date Buttercup. Is that weird? No, it's just one of them where she's running around grabbing bones and her barks turn into fireballs or something. But just think about it, bud. That'll come in. Buttercup is a very good girl.com 2.0. Okay. But if you want to make a website dedicated to your pet, you can do so. And you can do it very easily because Squarespace has beautiful templates created by world-class designers and powerful e-commerce functionality. So if I want to start selling Buttercup merch through my website, I can. Free and secure hosting. So I'm not worried about people like, you know, hacking, Buttercup is a very good girl. Oh God, now I'm

worried about it. And there's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. So head to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain that Squarespace.com slash mybrother and then enter the code mybrother all one word. This message is for Vriska and it's from the Dirk John Hive mine. And they requested this message and it's their money. So whatever. Vriska did nothing wrong. So there is the message that you paid money for. Maybe it's your ringtone now. Maybe it's your text message alert. I don't know. But there's Taco saying the thing that you said you wanted him to say. Maybe it's gonna be in court evidence. And they'll

play that in court. They'll be like, shoot. I'm gonna do another one. Okay. That one was short. This is for Daniel. And it's from Future Daniel. It says, Hey, Daniel, why did you spend $100? Time to macarons read this message you dingus. Stop being fiscally irresponsible just because you're feeling sad at the moment. Oh, well, I suppose it didn't hurt. Things are looking better over here in 2018. But we can't keep doing this. And that's for Daniel. And it's from Future Daniel. And that's very meta. But it's very meta. I also don't think that's how that works. Yeah, I don't think that there's any way that things are looking better over here in 2018 is true. But you never know for Daniel and Daniel's world. Alexa. What did Alexa do? She was telling

me about the encyclopedia Britannica for some reason. Oh, now my Alexa is going. Ah, fuck. I wish Alexa would cuss. Here's a jumbotron for Brian. And it's from Michael who says, congratulations to my chemical engineer is brother on your impending bundle of joy. Hopefully by the time you hear this, I'll have convinced Ali to let our dad be called Peepums. But I'm not sure that'll work hearing this in the resonant tones of the brothers will take the sting out of the disappointment from your band director is brother. And this was for me. So almost certainly the baby is is here. Hope everything's going well. And it's kind of fucked up how grandpa's grandmas get to pick their name, right? They get to pick their their

chosen sort of nickname. Like that is like I'm Peepums now. And it's like, I feel like I should get a choice in the matter. Because that's a that's a word that is uncomfortable for me to call you my real father. Yeah, but you're stuck with it. Welcome. Thank you. These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Reliability is big for me power. I'd say comfort. What do you think of this? That's Jordan Jesse go Jordan Jesse go they came out of the floor and down from the ceiling. That can't be safe. I'm upset. Can we go down soon. Jordan Jesse go a real podcast. No, Travis, please don't please. What were you going to do? No, I was going to do something.

What were you going to do? Do we have too many segments now? No, we have just enough segments. And I'm going to do my segment instead of Travis's. Okay, so can we do both of them? I don't know if we'll have time to do both of them. All right, can I can please start kind of vote? I think I should be a tiebreaker. Okay, what do you think Griffin? Oh, I don't know what your segments going to be. Well, just let me do my sake. Can I just please do my segment that I've been preparing it for like half the episode, please? I have to. I know some questions. Guys, please, please, please. Just let me do my segment. Riddle me, piss. I have a new riddle for you. Very good. Riddle. Wait, where did he go?

Who? Who? You're riddle me. Riddle me, piss. The like sort of fun and sort of renaissance. The greatest riddle. Yeah, I went to Dagobah a little bit. Here's my riddle I have for you. In which month does money grow on trees? In which month does money grow on tree? I don't know. Well, it's a riddle. What? Um, it's a riddle. Yeah, sure. In which month does money grow on trees? Yeah, a march. Never remember. Oh, my God, riddles.com, you're off the fucking chain. And it's actually

N-E-V-E-R hyphen, M-B-E-R. So it's not even member. It's just an unpronounceable never-member. Oh, God. Never-member. That one made me, dude, that one made me really sleepy. That's weird. A riddle's never hit me before and then like made me really like want to just go straight to bed. I have riddle for you. All right. A boy was born in 1955. He just had his 18th birthday today. How did that happen? Because of the leap year? Was it a leap year situation? No, Domo. Well, then there's literally no other. 1955 was not the year he was born. It was the hospital room he was born in. Fucking holy shit. Or did you not like that one? Okay, let me try this one. No, it's just like any clues would have been good riddles.com. This has to be fucking fair.

Let me try this one then, Griffin, because it was a completely separate riddle on a completely different page of riddles.com. A man was born in 1898. He is still alive now at the age of 33. How is this possible? Leap year. No, he was born in room 1898 in the hospital. I have one for you. I have four wings, but I am not a windmill. I have clawed feet, but I am not a bear. I have scales, but I am not reptile. Who am I? Who am I? Justin. Who am I? What am I? Maybe makes more sense. I have four wings, but I'm not a windmill. No fucking shit. There's no way. Are those called wings? On a windmill? Are those called wings? I have four wings, but I'm not a windmill. I have clawed feet, but I'm not a bear. I have scales, but I'm not a reptile. Who am I?

I don't know. A house, no. A tub, no. Whatever you're taking, it's ours. Is that a dragon? A butterfly or a dragonfly? What? Butterflies don't have fucking clawed feet? You can't do it like that, riddles.com. But also, no one's ever been like, be careful, that butterfly will claw you. It doesn't work that way. You can't try this at the point. You can't have a riddle, where it's like, it could be a couple different things. Take your pants off. The knife was made out of ice, or the chandelier fell on him, but it's one of the two. Is that all? Have we gotten that out of our system? I feel like this segment can never

last longer than four minutes. I feel like this is like, we get in, we do a riddle, we get out. I just feel like if I hear too many of these riddles, I might literally die. I think that one riddle made me sleepy. That was my body saying, okay, a few more of these and we're dead. How about a Yahoo instead? These always wake me up and make me feel amazing. Yes. Here's one that was sent in by Nick Waterstrat. Thanks, Nick. It's Yahoo Answers user Jaden. Jaden asks, I'm 13 and have $82. What should I spend it on? Don't say to just save it. Hmm. So $82, the only restriction Jaden has provided is that this money must be spent. Well, I mean, there's lots of restrictions. You cannot buy anything cool. A cigar or a

or a porn and you can't buy, you can't vote, but that's not a money thing. Can't buy a car, I guess, with $82. I feel like this is why, for me personally speaking, trading card games were invented so that this question would always be answered for me from ages like 10 to 17 is that I would always know where $82 should be spent. And it was magic or Pokemon or Hero Clicks. And then I did it and I didn't have to stress out about my earnings. I just knew where it was going to go. Candy? You could buy $82 worth of candy. Travis, they're fucking 13 years old. Come on. What do they need with candy? They're basically adults. I don't know. Pocket knives? Is that, can you buy that at 13? Pocket knives? Travis Patrick.

I'm trying to think about what I would have bought at 13. Okay, that is fair. Yeah, that's legit. I would have bought candy or pocket knives. Didn't you buy a nice steamer trunk for our bedroom? I did have one of those, yes, but I believe I got that for Christmas. That is a cool gift. I wanted a place to keep my secrets. Yeah, not a very hidden trove there, Captain Jack. Not a very, not a very, not a very, you didn't really bury that one. It was kind of a big steamer trunk in the middle of the room. Wasn't it there, Captain Barbarossa with your buried secrets? Now, maybe with $82 at 13, invest in some real estate. You're not going to be able to get much. That's the same as saving it. No, no, no. You buy it because here's the thing, Griffin.

You buy $82 worth of real estate by the time you're 21. That's like $82,000 worth of real estate in this economy. In this economy, yeah, which is either good or really bad, but. It's one of those. Justin. What if you're going to, what if you, if I only had $83 in my pocket, you don't know. It's 82. It's 82. So like that may ruin your idea. Oh, good. Oh, you mugged someone. If I only had $82 in my pocket, you know where I'm going to go. I'm going to be looking for a come up. I'm going to pop some tags. Oh, good. Oh, all right. Yeah, I'm going to the thrift shop. I'm going to go in there. I got $82 in my pocket. I'm going to buy some leopard mink. Cool. That I should have washed. All right. I would just go to the thrift shop with my $82

and pop some tags, look for a come up. Okay. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Velour jumpsuit maybe. Some house slippers. A dookie brown leather jacket that I found digging. Hmm. I think I would get 0.0001 bitcoins. Oh, that'd be good. Okay. Can we keep me toys still around? Oh, they don't sell toys anymore. Nobody sells toys anymore. Did you guys go to, did you guys go to a, a Toys R Uses before they closed? Yeah, I did. Sad, yeah. Yeah. This isn't funny. No, it's just bummed me out. I just, I used to work there. $82. I never had $82 when I was 13. The first time I had $82 just after I had my first job at the country's best yogurt when I was 18 years old. And then even then I was making,

you know, $2.50 an hour or whatever the fuck minimum wage was back in 2005 in, in Huntington, West Virginia. $82 is a princely sum. Are you kidding me? I would have gotten my own apartment when I was 13 with $82. Here's the idea if I was 13, $18. I would buy a clear bag and as many full sized candy bars as I could afford, put them all in there. Then at Halloween, I would roll around with this bag and then direct people who asked me about my hall to different addresses in my neighborhood. And it would create a lot of confusion and a lot of chaos about where the cool houses were. And then I could just kind of like do my thing. And I would be out there because they'd be looking for these fake houses that I created with my fake hall. And just to, just to finalize

all the deeds of the plan here, Justin, what would your thing be? What do you mean? Well, you're like, you would do your thing. Okay. So I pick, I would make up a bunch of addresses. And so people would be like, where are they doing full size? And no, no, no, I get that. I get that. You got to get yourself to the 16th Civil War angel lane. And then right, that's their thing. As you have a salad, she would send them off to do their thing. Yeah. And then you would just be out there doing your thing. Yeah, which is what? So in this circumstance, my thing would be I roll up at each house at about 825. And I'm like, listen, everybody's off looking for the good houses. You've got five minutes left. You don't want to leave that candy bowl lying around your house.

You're just going to scarf it this week. Hit me up and you'll be the only game in town so you can get all the candy. That's good. Okay. And then you light the black candle and you reawaken the Sanderson sisters. Yeah, that would be my thing. Yeah. You're establishing what our things would be. That would be my thing. Yeah. I mean, that's fucked up because they killed a lot of people, Travi. Listen, I don't want to do it. I'm trying to impress that cool new girl. No, that would just be my thing. Okay. You know, because like, I'm trying to scare my little sister. Sure. And I'm trying to impress that girl that I just met because I moved to this town. I'm not saying there's reasons not to do it. I'm just saying they killed a lot of people, Travi.

Yeah, but then I would also stop them, Griffin. You know what I do at $82 at 13? I would buy a bunch of marbles in a big coat and I would fill the coat with the marbles and I would go to the principal's house and get inside of it somehow. And then I would open up the coat and let all the marbles fall out. Nice. Yeah. And then I'd tell them the, you know, you know, huff my nuts or something like that and I'd get out of there because then the marbles are their problem. I think I'd just go to Cracker Barrel and just buy a bunch of those talking parrots. That's fun. And then you set them up at your principal's house and you'd be like, huff my nuts. And then I'd be like, huff my nuts. And then I'd be like, huff my nuts.

Huff my nuts. And then keep going forever and ever. I love that shit, dude. You ever seen a viral video like that? I'd probably do that. Yeah. Or I'd buy like a bunch of harmonica. It's just cussed. Put them in my steamer trunk. I do jawbreakers at Cracker Barrel and I would put those in my coat and empty them out of my principal's house because I really want them to slip and fall. I hate that fucking guy. This has been our podcast, my brother. Where does he fucking get off? You know, same meaning detention. We hope you enjoyed it. Unless you're principal Daniels, in which case you could huff Griffin's nuts, apparently. I would spend $82 to get principal Daniels a tattoo that says huff my nuts against his will. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Thank

you for indulging us with another hour of your precious life. We sure have had fun hanging out with you, our beloved, beloved listener. We are part of the Maximum Fun Network. There's a lot of great podcasts on there and you certainly should go and enjoy... I'm going to recommend Bubble. If it's a limited run sci-fi series, kind of like a Buffy with a hipster slant and we were on one episode as like craft beer fans, it was very good. So go listen to Bubble and I think you'll very much love it. I'm going to run through some quick plugs. We're recording this before we go on with the tickets, but just in case we do have shows coming up at the end of September in Seattle and Portland, you can go to macroisshows.com. The tickets should be on sale when you hear

those unless something has gone horribly wrong. You can find those ticket links there. Also, I have another Cincinnati Underground Society show coming up September 23rd. The link is also at macroisshows.com. I'm going to be at DragonCon doing some photo ops. Link at macroisshows.com. Shmanners is coming to London September 8th and I'm also doing a Shmanners show at New York Comic-Con October 6th. Links to all of those things are at macroisshows.com slash tours. And oh, we have a graphic novel. It's at theadventuresdomecomic.com and thank you all so much for buying that. Those who have, helping us get on the New York Times bestseller list, it's very cool. PodCon round two is coming up in January. The Indiegogo for that is still going. You can go to

bit.ly slash macaroypodcon2 to donate there. It's not just donating, it's also like buying your ticket or getting, you can do remote viewing. So even if you're not able to make it out to Seattle in January or not remote viewing, excuse me, there's recordings of it that you can relate to. Viewing is the psychic thing, right? Yeah. Hey, if you want to do that. If you want to astral project in, it's going to be so good. But please do pay. If you astral project into the PodCon, please, please kick in a few bucks. Because we'll know. We'll know, obviously. That's bit.ly slash macaroypodcon the number two. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for these four theme songs. It's a

part of the album. Putting the Days to Bed is a super good album. John's a super good dude. He's got a new podcast here on Maximum Fun. It's called Friendly Fire. He does it with Adam and Benjamin from the Greatest Generation and Greatest Discovery, the Star Trek podcast. And it's great. It's like a thoughtful look at old war movies where they talk about the history of cinema about war and sort of geopolitical history and all kinds of stuff, a deep dive into those movies. It's called Friendly Fire. It's a super good show. And John's a super good dude. Thank you, John. And do you guys want that final? Hit me. Yes, please. This final yahoo was sent in by Drew Davenport, level 9000, Yadru Druid. Thank you, Drew. It's Yadru

Answers user. Unholy, who asks, does anyone have the problem of croissants tasting like blood? What? Why are you just a McRoy? I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. Who's been my brother? My brother me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Listener supported. Beloved Maximum Fun Star Trek podcast, the Greatest Generation is going out on tour. We are bringing Greatest Gen Con to a bunch of cities in the U.S. and Canada. It's our big tribute to slash send up of Star Trek 2, the Wrath of Con, and we have a big leg coming up. Yes, we are raising our legs on a number of cities in the coming weeks. We're going to Washington, D.C. on August 23rd, the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on August 24th, Mass Mocha in North

Adams, Massachusetts on August 25th, Pittsburgh on the 28th, Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater on the 29th, Atlanta, Georgia at the Earl on the 30th, Ferndale, Michigan at the Magic Bag on the 31st. Those are some great big rooms and some great big city spin. And it's a really fun show. It's accessible even if you haven't listened to the podcast yet. We can't wait to see you when we're out on tour. Check GreatestGenCon.com for dates and ticketing information.