My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 422: The Very Best Stains

Episode Date: August 27, 2018

We have become a hundred and fifty years old since the last time you heard from us! We're certain that, as goes our youthful vitality, so goes a significant portion of our audience. That is fine, because we're just bones now. Suggested talking points: Skeleton Grandpa, Celebrity Misidentification, TCBYBC, Sleepy Skateboard Tricks, Bacon Testing, The Forbidden Jones Soda

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls do you want to just say, hey, I wanna, just say, hey, I wanna. Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, mean advice show for the Modgenera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. I feel like, I don't even know that I can call

myself that anymore. Boys, I got some packages today. They arrived in the mail, and when I opened all of them, when I bought these packages, or rather the things inside of them, I didn't, I didn't think that they created a narrative, but then when I opened them all up and laid the contents out, I realized this sort of through line there. And let me start off by saying, I don't really use Twitter pretty much at all anymore, but whenever I do, dip my beak in. I'm still getting a lot of, you know, memes, teen memes, and weird, weird humor that like. Oh, I love that stuff. I love that weird humor that kind of like, where are they coming from? Who, what do they even mean? Right, sure. And I think I'm getting it mostly

because I'm the, I am the only boy, you two are men now. And I'm still the, I guess I'm still the only boy of the podcast. Thank you. I opened up these packages. They are mostly things I bought in preparation for our Disney World trip next week, as we, as we brave the wilds of Flowrida. And so there was a fanny pack, and I did get that for, it's waterproof. It's waterproof. There's pictures on, I got this one off Amazon, and there's pictures of a guy wearing it. And the guy looks really cool, like a handsome model boy, and he's wearing it, and he's got it, you know, slung to the side. That's cool. He's, where is it? Is it one of the ones that I picked for you? No, no, no, I, you Travis sent me some great suggestions, but I found a, I found

a nice one. He also wears it like a sling bag messenger bag over his back. And it's like, is that even dumber? Because I feel like if I wear a fanny pack, like it was a backpack, that's going to make it seem like a big joke. But I did buy this. I just want to have like a huge laugh at you, and not buy one for myself, because it's a great idea, because God, that'd be very useful. Yeah, yeah. Sort of sort of like certain places I should look for a great fanny pack. I'll show you some links. I'll jokingly send you some links that I was looking at, Justin, if you want. It'll be a funny, ironic thing, but also very practical and useful when we're in the Disney. The other thing that showed up is some Tevas, which is the kind of sandals

that if they were still making like Honey I Shrunk the Kids movies that Rick Moranis would exclusively wear, they're just boys. These are some goof troupe. What are those geek shoes? They're really rough, but they're supposed to be really comfortable. I got these, I put them on, and I instantly felt myself age 20 years. And I also noticed that there's a buckle, I can't strap them on the right way and tighten them the right way so that this buckle that's like on the heel isn't going to rub and give me blisters. And so I did like do some googling about Tevas blisters. A lot of people will recommend that you do wear socks with them. So I think I'm pretty much dead at this. I think I'm a dead old, an old dead man,

bad dad. And I don't think, I just, I just need, this is a quick, I guess, brand update that is I'm old and dead. So you're finally a dad? I'm an old dead dad bones. Essentially at this point, yes, a big walking skeleton dad who loves the Eagles and wears Tevas with socks with his, and when he rides a water ride on Disney World, I'll just ball up the socks, shove it in my waterproof fanny pack. I have it all figured out. I am old bones. That is a definite, I see I would never want to ride a water ride. And I think it's maybe if I was doing kind of a New Jeff Fox worthy bit, if he was coming back for a second, like, you know, you're a grown up when you people say, we're going this water ride, do you think I'm not going to walk around squished your shoes all

the way. No thanks. No way on earth. No thanks. There was another thing I got, and it's a book of sheet music for the adult piano classes I'm taking. And this is in the same package as the Tevas in the fanny pack. And the book is called Adult Piano Adventures. So is it like erotic piano music? I used to watch a blurry version of that on Cinemax that my parents didn't pay for. So just people asking me to like dab on them on Twitter, just understand that like my arm might go flying out of its socket and, you know, land in the crowd of the Doobie Brothers concert that I'm at, because I'm I can't anymore. He just can't. What do y'all's Disney World prep because y'all been I feel like more recently I have I don't know I'm afraid I'm literally I do you Google this

shit and it's supposed to be the most wonderful place on earth and when you Google it all you find is like 50 dad blogs of people like you're gonna fucking die unless you bring these 80 things you need a machete you need some you need twine put everything you own in baggies and then look for this guy named Duke he'll know what to do he'll know what to do once you get there just start yelling for Duke and if you see Duke he's gonna carry you across the front lines and then after that you're on your own you're gonna have this one knife that you can slip in your anus and other than that your life and death is up to you and that has nothing to do with surviving the park that's just something you can do for you I just don't I don't I see the teacups and I'm like the teacups look fun

and it's like the teacups will disintegrate your bones so start eating lots of iron now and if you don't eat iron every day for 60 days before going to Disney World you can't ride the teacups and it's like wow okay here's what they don't tell you is that when you walk into the park they take a picture of you whether you want them to or not and then they try to sell it to you and when you leave the park they give you a grade on how well you were actually prepared for the experience right most people f-minus f-minus well with my taevis and my socks and my fanny pack and my adult piano book if I can at least pull down a seed and what's what's what's the fucking point of all this here's the amazing thing I've learned about myself in preparing for Disney

um when I was a younger uh man I would have called myself oh travis so disorganized travis is is quite uh the messy unfocused boy I find now there is nothing I love more than a well organized itinerary I'm having so much fun making plans because I basically go we go from Disney to uh dragon con and then I go to London Podfest so I'm like making like four different trips in one and I am loving it the Disney planning is really uh smart because I went there uh last fall and it's really smart because as soon as you show up mickey is gonna be like huh you made some plans huh gotta fuck them and then he just fucks them yeah right there in front of you yeah he takes your plans he tears it up into confetti he puts it into a blender he charges you $13 for

it then sells it back to you and force feeds it to you whoa and goofy watches and like I know us and there's there's seldom a week a week run where one of us doesn't have diarrhea and that happens at Disney World and that seems like it might be the ball that might be a death uh it may be whether rare times that those three diaries line up at the same time it's uh only every three years the total eclipse of the fart and it uh it is going to be it's a big it's a big deal and it happened that week man I I can't even imagine Justin are you uh proud of yourself I mean I'm a accomplished entertainer or father of two and you also just said eclipse of the fart that's what I want to know about because I'm very proud of you and now you've said it and for

and then grand scope of history basically said it at the same moment if you if you take a cosmos zoom out on that to all all of human history we said it at the exact same nanosecond now so we're both equally guilty I guess I have a thing to I have a thing to say and it's new it's few words yeah it's new and here at the death of our show well no it's new and good and like I just thought of it and I think it could be like a funny joke and sometimes we like in this behind the scenes but I will warn the boys that I have a joke coming up and I'll say it if it's not good we'll just remove it but I think this is gonna be a good one and it's that I think I'm gonna need a vacation from this vacation I love that can we start doing advice this is advice uh this is a

special email that we're leading off with as a a return our first ever two-parter our first ever like serial style cliffhanger we'll have more on that in the next week's episode we got a version of well I'll read the original question and then we'll follow up from there hi brothers I work at a grocery store deli in a rural area and a few days ago someone came to the counter who I'm 95 percent sure is a moderately famous Hollywood actor the actor is not known to have a house uh sorry no you read that right okay this actor is not known to have a house about 15 to 20 minutes away from the store I have to believe that that not was a whoopsie doodle that shouldn't have been in there right where do you get that where do you get that information like how do you search that

does this person they're not known to okay because what you search does this person have a house 15 to 20 minutes of me driving or walking it's a very specific thing to say he doesn't do yeah it's a what yeah yeah 99.9% of the earth is gonna say no to that sentence is gonna is gonna drive with that okay anyway it's not known to have a house about 15 to 20 minutes away from the store now imagining a radius of like a 15 to 20 minute drive surrounding the store like they live in they don't live in this window they could be 10 minutes away they could be 25 minutes away we literally have no idea I will say that I even Cincinnati I would not say is this is a rural area and even here if someone even if if a moderate moderately famous Hollywood actor even like rents an apartment for

a day like everyone in town knows about it so all right people are people are fucking dying because we haven't said who it is go my question is this should I have asked him if he really was a celebrity and told him I like his work or did I do the right thing by just treating him like a normal customer as well known people yourselves ha do you prefer I thank you do you prefer to be recognized as you're going about your daily business or would you rather be left alone to get your deli meat in peace that's from star struck in the woods and says follow up and here's a job and wait for I'm pretty sure it was Louise Guzman I believe he got some black forest ham thank you I would have sent this fishy right back into the sea if you hadn't said what kind of sandwich they were

looking for so I very exciting I think it probably was Louise Guzman here's okay can I tell you I don't know the accent I hope I'm doing the accent right Guzman you're saying it good on okay here's the thing I strongly feel I am I have think about this a lot that I think there are very few actors performers recognizable people that I would recognize on site without someone saying that is blank I think I'd know for sure if it was Louise Guzman like I don't I don't think I'd have to ask somebody you are so certain of this Travis I am like I'm picturing Louise Guzman in my head and I've got a crystal clear picture yeah I'm just a quick update he does live according to his IMDB page in Vermont with quote his wife and many kids I hear you Louise you and me buddy

I okay so I can hear let us personally address this and I will be and and and I think if you're a list of ours and and on the off chance that you should spot us in the wild at some point I want you to remember this exact thing I'm about to tell you and I I can't speak for everyone I can't even really speak for everybody in our like certain specific class of people knowing who you are because it's a very specific sort of prism through which our light has to be reflected in which we look like actual celebrities like Louise Guzman I would argue but for me if I'm just walking around and about and somebody's like hey you're Justin McRoy I feel like pretty good I feel like kind of a cool dude kind of cool kind of a cool person who's done some cool stuff and has

cool people enjoying what they do it's nice little ego boost and if I'm with my kids some people are like oh you're with your kids I can they can stand aside for a second they're always here they're always here you're not hello hi thank you well Kate Welch recently tweeted that someone had tweeted at her saying I saw you but I didn't want to bother you you're talking to your friends and she was wanted do you know how fucking cool you would have made me look yeah every time like oh just it's so that's what you you hope for there's a lot of things you can do and let's maybe separate this from ourselves so I don't sound you know shady when I say this but let's just say if you do want to approach Luis Guzman there's a few things that you maybe shouldn't do and that is one is to

not approach it but then do tweet later like I saw you that's not good for Louis that's not that's not good I saw you grew Luis Guzman yeah I can as long as where I did it just so it doesn't seem like you're coming down to harm anybody did this exact thing to harm our superstar once guilty yeah guilty solving the LAX bathroom can I say though for me personally I don't if I wasn't a hundred percent sure it's Luis and I would be but if I wasn't I don't think I'd pull the trigger on this one because I don't think there's anything worse than uh saying you think somebody somebody and then they're not that somebody especially yeah the only way to kind of give yourself a little wiggle room out is just say

hey I like your work don't say a name and see how that because if they look at you and go what then you say never mind I thought you were somebody else right but if you say the name hey Luis Guzman and they're like who the I'm not Luis Guzman that is I think that I if you say like hey I like your work and they're like and they're like oh thank you very much then like it's probably Luis Guzman I mean in this specific one you could just go off fuck yeah boogie nights and then if they're not Luis Guzman they'll be like um yeah it's a it's pretty good flick yeah do you want to buy it I've got a copy I have a copy of boogie nights it's for you I once did that with John C Riley I almost called him John C McGinley from Scrubs no way no how I did that I when I met

my now friend um emcee front a lot I told him how much I loved his work on aqua teen hunger force which is emcee chris oh yes a different dude oh I've uh never made this mistake but I've never also talked to a celebrity so I yeah it's going good for me in my life if you're not here's what here's would be my one uh I don't know thing that would hang on this the people that come out to us and I think we're probably biased in this way the people who come out to us are fans of what we make right like because you have to seek out our visages if you would like to absorb them you must seek out our visages so you must be a fan of ours um it sounds like maybe you just kind of know who Louise Guzman is and maybe you don't know exactly what they look like so maybe not the biggest fan

so it may kind of feel a little bit I don't know that may feel different I don't know any people I know what you're saying you're actually famous that we could qualify for this but like if someone's like hey don't I know you from TV or something I feel like that might feel kind of weird like that might be less enjoyable I tell you this is like this is like my number one thing is I see like I've seen so many celebrities that I'm like I recognize your face from a poster but it feels super shitty to just be like let me get a picture with you because some people not me know who you are that's gross that has actually happened to us before when a crowd of people have been around us and someone will be like I don't know who you are but just in case and I feel like we should

apologize to those people like nothing will ever come of this yeah let me save you the memory on your iPhone um how about a yahoo yeah yeah this one was sent in by merit palmer thank you merit it's yahoo answers user they are anonymous wait hold on did we give that person concrete advice on what they should do in this situation should it arise again yeah just yell boogie nights I felt like that was good yeah okay um is anonymous user I'll call him uh Ollie asks I just got hired at Starbucks but I don't drink coffee a friend of mine told me the first day I have to try all the coffees can I opt out welcome to Starbucks motherfucker open up here's the funnel you're gonna hold this in your mouth and your butt and we're gonna start partying here we go now this is the pike place roast this

is very good this is the caramel macchiato you're gonna love this you don't love this you don't love this okay well you work here so love it you have to love all this different that's a lot of different coffee eh it's like a lot of different coffee to try yeah they have like four or five different ones and that's all they have six or seven sure this is a wild mmm this is a there's so many wild things about this the first being like this is definitely there is no they don't jump you into Starbucks by making you drink all their hot hot beans the other thing is why you're working at the Starbucks and I get times are tight maybe this is the only job you could find but I can't imagine walking into a Starbucks and being like mmm so what's good here and the person saying like

nothing coffee stinks all of it stinks it's gross yuck yuck yuck do you want to water do you want to water we do some juice it's okay this is uh this is a fun little language lesson this question because when your friend said you have to did they mean like oh you have to try or like you have to try it oh yeah I hate coffee oh you have to try coffee you didn't listen they're not listening to me is it gonna be weird that you don't like the coffee at Starbucks if you're gonna be weird when somebody asks you what the best one is and you're like I love this one and it's kind of it tastes kind of like dirt and it's like yeah it's like hot dirt water but like in a good way oh so good with just a little there's some pumpkin in there I think oh it's so crunchy maybe

problem is that they drink it really fast like right when it comes out of the pot and they burn their mouth horribly every time they drink it and so in their mind coffee is a bad coffee coffee hurt coffee bad hot and does hurt on the mouth and coffee mouth yeah and I don't think they know that you can let it cool down and you can add ice to it when I see someone drink fucking like right out the air pot coffee love it it's like I am witnessing Superman with bullets bouncing off his chest yeah how so how how do you do I I get coffee and say I'm gonna enjoy this in 40 minutes yeah right I'll have this later this is for later I don't want coffee now but maybe at 10 a.m. I will you know I'm thinking about it and when I declared my

allegiance to the country's best yogurt I couldn't really eat much of that stuff because of my stomach shame and there must have been times when people asked me my Rex and I had to sort of lie and just be like well the cinnamon swirl is good it's my favorite I eat gallons of it I'm when I'm feeling bad when I'm feeling bad I will eat a gallon of this rocky road and it definitely doesn't give me diarrhea yeah everything about all of this sweet cream is that it doesn't make me tummy sick I like the idea of a tcby employee that just actually mentions that their metrics are in gallons oh uh uh welcome to masses robins 30 what a flavor is work I get you today uh what are you like well yeah last night I ate about a gallon of chocolate so I can highly recommend that

gonna eat a uh just today for lunch gonna eat a gallon of quarterback crunch so I'm pretty pumped right now uh I mean can I ask you a quick tcby hack that I've always wondered I would love nothing more can I just get a cup of jimmies you can I mean is Todd working oh if Todd's working go for it um I can I would say this as an employee of tcby I can have a cup of jimmies in the background I can I can eat I can eat a whole cup of jimmies in the back room in the one spot where the two security cameras don't see and it's right by the jackets I can eat a whole thing of cheesecake top crumbles right there where the jackets are because there's two cameras but they don't see right there where the jackets are so I can hang out there and I can play Nintendo DS and I can eat

my cheesecake crumbles in peace and that's your time and that's Griffin's time that was the country's best yogurt's best corner for eating secret cheesecake fights tcby bc you're right it's a nail place now yeah it's still still that corner though still that corners where the secrets live uh I have recently picked up skateboarding mostly as a way to get around faster I don't know any tricks that's not really my concern that's quibble that is your concern maybe it does not concern you it would be uh under the category of your concerns who this concern belongs to it's certainly not me it's not my concern if it's anybody's anyway however I live in Edinburgh which has a lot of cobbles and and then even pain pavements and pretty much once per day I find

myself completely eating shit um worse than the actual incident is when I have to walk awkwardly uh back to get my skateboard which has shot meters and meters behind me I don't know how far that is sounds far is there any way I can make the situation look any cooler don't tell me not to just fall that's not an option I'm willing to consider all right it's from McFallen in Marchmont I mean I got a suggestion this guys this is this is wild this is like saying I have this bike and I ride it to work every day but at least once a day one of the tires comes off and I flip over end over end and I land on my skull every day is there a way to make my fall look cooler and it's like you don't you can't use this bike any

form of transit that involves you eating shit on the daily is not an acceptable way to get around I don't think here's what you do here's what you do first you're gonna need like uh like a boogie board has like one of those like wrist straps maybe extra long maybe it's very stretchy like a long rubber band so that your your skateboard can shoot backwards and then return to you perhaps fast um and in a painful and fast and in the teeth but what if you feel yourself start to fly off your skateboard I want you to yell I'm so sleepy and then when you land just pretend like you're taking a nap there yeah that's good so your skateboarding somebody's like do a trick and you're like I'll do a fuck bedtime and then you just lay there for a bit and then pop up

and yawn and stretch and then back back to your ride I feel good tuckered all right I would argue Travis as uh we had a lot of fun there but uh that does not get your skateboard back to you in fact I'm pretty sure it gets it stolen and you're arrested as a vagrant maybe tape it to your feet here's what you know that your feet is good you know the child leashes uh-huh that you tape on the kids to oh you don't take you see you said tape and fucks me up but you like you like time to your kids and it's like your kid can run but then you're like yank and they pull them back to you that is literally what I just said what it's literally what Travis said yeah but I have a different one that I'm gonna do different it's a different style oh okay wine's different

go on okay so what if it's like that but but it's it's made of twizzler so after after you do it you could just be like everybody might still laugh at you but then it's like hey can we all enjoy this together over some twizzlers and then maybe they would not be mad at you because you got them that of course it's perfect I'll tell you what you need to do is you need to pop off those little shitty tires I mean wheels that you have on your skateboard and you gotta put on some monster truck wheels yeah something that can really eat those cobblestones the fuck up because if you can't find a non cobblestone route on your way to work then I genuinely think you need either a new foreign transit or just some real

monster truck tires on your skateboard and maybe get an engine on there and get that you got to have power for so four big wheels an engine yeah maybe get a a windshield some seats I'll tell you what help to keep your skateboard attached to you is a seat belt attaching you to the seat of the skateboard car what if you got Nissan on there somewhere right Nissan right on the skateboard and windshield wipers because it gets rainy maybe here's what you do right skateboard on your feet yes yes of course obviously skateboard on your hands and on top of your head so that way as you're tumbling now you're just doing a handstand and skateboard it you're not no that doesn't work I'm hearing a no from Justin can you can you can you can you hire

tony hawk ooh to skate for you y'all listen you feel a crash coming on and you try you can try to make it look like a trick but you make your body go into a big bush and then a bunch of teens or construction workers or students walk in the class are gonna see you point and laugh and then tony hawk wearing the clothes that you were just wearing that you put on that morning comes out of the bush and he does a whole 900 uh and continues the skateboard and then people think like wow you're so cool or maybe after you go into the bush and people start laughing tony hawk just walks up to them and says hey don't laugh everybody falls off their skateboard even I tony hawk have fallen off my skateboard and then they feel really bad and they think maybe we're the accident uh here's one

I want to um here's one you could do you listen yeah yeah all right so I want to make sure because it's really good you could cover yourself I mean really cover yourself in glow sticks that you have to break to make work and then when you fall just be like aw shit folks the party started and you'll be like you can be like um make sure to buy a juicero that's right it's a startup promotion and they pay me to do this all around town and buy a juicero and look by everything it's all glowing and then you can like pass off the glow sticks to people you're gonna be like instant party we're just right there instant party yeah that's good if you if we can invent some sort of um impact sensing boom box that you could also have attached to yourself that when it could sense like a

quick shift in speed or momentum it starts playing lmfao and then like things really really get going um yeah this is good stuff Justin could we also do like pinatas all over at the very least you know wonder wonder balls wait wait wait smaller skateboard in your backpack oh so if you crash yeah you stand up you pull you wait okay okay okay okay I got it this will work this will work you crash uh huh you lie there until people just move on and then no one will still be there that saw you crash initially and then you stand up and pull a smaller skateboard out of out of your backpack and loudly announce well time to start skateboarding for the day

I think I think that could fly now here's what I love most about that Justin yeah what you are envisioning is that I a bystander would see a human fly off his skateboard and then lay still after a few moments I would go huh walk away it's a cynical plan I admit it's a little black mirror from my takes for sure I like to believe I would help the skateboard man but I know deep down I wouldn't and neither would you no I just assume it was a youtube prank you're right uh let's go the money's in wow okay I mean romance me a little bit with it you know you just sound like like like a business like a business man like moving to the next part of this I'll do a segway um okay yeah good no he wasn't riding a segway justin he was riding a skateboard

god in heaven trav no that wasn't money's own worthy no it wasn't fucking money's own worthy bud you have to know that right well like a segway is another thing you can ride and follow I was trying to make it work in my head or if I couldn't and I couldn't I know I was with him too Travis didn't let him slow let that slow him down he just went for it I was trying to make it work it's a segway you know then which is another means of conveyance enough he's explaining it so much like that's gonna save it but it's not saving it because people fall because like you might you would fall on a skateboard or you could fall on a segway I might just fade this out like this might be our first like fade out not hard cut just like fade out what if we what if we scoot on over to

the money zone yeah what if we get more more more more yeah because this is just this is getting quieter and quieter I started Bowlin Branch uh uh one has a special message for you folks they want to unite the world now what do I mean by that it sounds a little grandiose you know uh there's so few things that unite us as a world but you know what into the night we're all going to sleep not batman not batman batman is sleeping though at some point during the day I don't think so batman sleep yeah I don't think so because he's he's Bruce Wayne during the day Justin that's why he's so cranky you'll never miss this honey guess who I met today in a big

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that's bowl B-O-L-L and branch dot com promo code my brother my brother I'm sorry I called you a coward everybody you're not you're not a coward you're you're great do you want a stitch fix add there comes I get I get the stitch fix every month it's a box and inside the box is five different clothes and sometimes the clothes are pants and sometimes they're not it's it's it changes every time uh and you get a stylist and they figure out what looks good on your bod and then you get you get you're gonna get it and there's a little sheet of paper and it shows you how you could maybe dress it up to look like a um you know like a mannequin at a store you know how you see them wearing clothes you're like man I wish I could put something that together looks that good

they send you this stuff in the box and I've gotten so many do you know what clothes like this you know what they do is really neat if you've been a member there for a little while they'll send you um outfit suggestions based on some of the new stuff you're getting uh combined with old stuff that they know that you bought already so like old selections that they already sent along they'll pair with like new things give you some new altogether outfits it's really good I really like my stitch fix uh helps it helps make us you know style attainable even if you're like me and you don't know uh anything at all about anything um so you just go to stitch fix and you just you're going to answer some questions about your sizes what kind of styles you like your budget and then

however frequently as you want these boxes to show up your personal stylist will hand select five brand new clothing items just for you you try them on and you only pay for what you keep and shipping is free both ways so uh go to stitchfix.com slash my brother and get started now if you keep all five items that you receive you will get 25% off your entire purchase that's stitchfix.com slash my brother um I have a message here and it is for eloan and it's from imit imit says hi smelloan oh right out the gate well this seems mean we'll see how it goes I hope hearing from the brothers is a sweet treat for your ear meat as you collect little pieces of the street which I know you do quite often you're my favorite human and a wonderful cat mom to Stacey

even though he's turning purple thanks for being a thoughtful loving emotionally intelligent partner love a good boy okay see right there at the end got very sweet Stacey's cat mom has got it going on all right she got a jumbo oh sorry she got an ad on the jumbo John yeah how many times can we do this song in the year 2018 how many times like three five five I just want to know what the limit is before we I think there's a 10 reference max in 2018 um hey hey just read this next jumbo tron it's a message for Fidel it's from dad says dear Fidel hope you're having a great big day may your chicken always be delicious and your gravy savory will always be there to scoop you into a family sandwich or be a solid foundation that you can sit upon my love for you is only

surpassed by my love for mom burn happy birthday Fidel and some more adventures with Kelsey and I love dad this is all time best first of all it was for January sorry we fucked up but holy fucking shit everything from the ground Fidel I mean if may your may your gravy always be savory the first line y'all hope you're having a great big day I don't know what that means but it's so fucking good Fidel's dad scoop him into a family sandwich yes please a solid foundation you can sit upon oh so nice also I love your mom more than you awesome and awesome sorry fool knew her longer anyway that he was their first them's the brakes without her there is no use I have to like her more I can make more use with her so whatever whatever dude um here's a message for cat and it's

from max who says hello my love I hope all is going well for you I mean I should know since we live together now these past five years just keep getting better and better I can't wait to see what you do next whether it's an entertainment breath breath work or something I can't even imagine like breath work for me um you're unbelievable and make me smile every day I love you I love you just gonna go ahead and look what breath work is I think it's like when people breathe that's like breathing therapy yeah that's good stuff great um yeah I hope things are also going well for you cat and um maybe let's just take this moment in cat's name to just like do a quick one a quick a quick long breath it's nice to give listeners permit you know how to make it a joke

that'd be a joke I learned this on Daniel tiger he said to do this every minute podcast podcast podcast their audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this like this like this but let's face it all that smart stuff can be exhausting that's where stop podcasting yourself comes in it's so stupid it's just too stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes stop podcasting yourself the stupid show that smart people love find it on itunes our maximum fun dot org ju-ju-ju-ju-ju-jun what I said did you hear did you hear me what is this confused filter you put on your chart

so I want a munch I want too much squad this is a short one just kind of got out of my skin Chipotle to start testing bacon in September Fuck, I guess my question about this, we're gonna get into it, but what the fuck does Chipotle get off testing bacon? Don't test bacon? Well, I have two immediate thoughts about that.

First, I think Chipotle should maybe focus on really sticking the landing on all their current ingredients vis-a-vis not making it make people shit themselves to death. Like maybe lock those down. Experiment with not poisoning. Experiment with not mass poison the biggest attack on our country in decades, but also like maybe this is why they have to test the bacon out. It's maybe they started doing the bacon and people started getting poisoned and they were like, I don't know guys, maybe it's us.

This is the same chain that made a bunch of people butt sick and then they're like, this is amazing. This is amazing Chipotle, what are you gonna do next? Like cheese sauce, read it and weep. That's where we're at right now. Chipotle's first big menu test and CEO, Brian Nicholson, your Brian Nicholson must be a new CEO that is against poisoning people. Shane announced August 9th, it's piloting two new menu items and promotions in select

cities nationwide, etc, etc. The first of these efforts is Applewood smoked bacon. Chipotle said the product received a quote tremendous response from customers at its next kitchen in New York City. Sorry, I got test kitchen up there. This September bacon will expand to an eight restaurant operations test in Orange County California before being considered for a full market test. Here's a Chris Brandt, the chief marketing officer has to say in a release.

Customers have always said everything tastes better with bacon and that's exactly what we confirmed in our New York test kitchen. No fucking shit Chris. Yeah dog. Also the sky is blue, sun is hot. We found customers added bacon to their traditional bowls, burritos, tacos and nachos. Hey, Chris, if you give a handful, they would have added it to their Diet Coke. Okay, that's bacon.

And also they enjoyed new items such as the BLT quesadilla with bacon, lettuce, tomato, top three ingredients. I love it at BLT. So totally craveable and grilled and cheese grilled to perfection. Quesadillas are currently only available in the next kitchen Chipotle added. I guess like before you get too excited. That seems like the bigger announcement. Yeah, I know I'm talking a lot about quesadillas right now but they are out of your reach.

We don't offer them and I'm really sorry. Right after that they're going to go with nachos. Nice. Hey Chipotle, why are you testing these things that will work? Do you know what place has nachos? Pretty much every place. You know why? Because they're pretty good and hard to fuck up.

Like you don't need to test it. Just do it. If you want to put bacon on there, people want it. Just put bacon on there. It's fine. But they're going to have, you know, head chef Daniel Sinsen at the kitchen. He's like, let's get some tortilla chips. Let's get some cheese.

Let's get some meat. Let's have some lettuce. Let's have some poison. Time to put tomato. Time to. Oh no. Dang it. I did it again.

Why do we keep the poison right next to the tomatoes? Here's a little sub announcement they snuck in here. Through September 20th, customers at participating in Miami and Dallas locations can now get $2 tacos with the purchase of any drink after 8 p.m. These restaurants will also stay open later until 11 p.m. To quote, satisfied demand for food experiences outside of standard business hours. Hey, does this franchise know how to party or what? They are so fucking afraid to run afoul of anybody at this point.

What I love is that Taco Bell is like, what's up, doobie heads, come eat our trash food at 4 a.m. Fuck the police. And Chipotle can't. Chipotle's your fucking RA. He's like, we're up to 11. Good job. We're going to have marshmallows.

You're going to have a $2 taco experience outside the normal business hours. Make sure you buy a drink. Meanwhile, Taco Bell is like robbing the Wendy's next door, like kicking in the door and stealing their money for weed. I thought we'd get a little wild tonight and maybe at 10.30 p.m. We'll put a handful of bacon on those nachos. Just something new, a little risque. Oh, my.

Oh, my. It's anyway. This is a good one. That's a good one. Chipotle's up to you. Can I ask you guys a quick question? Sure. Just real quick.

Travis. Uh-huh. Just say the riddles. Just start doing the riddle. I guess I was just wondering. I'm like a dog with a tail that wags and all, but I am not a dog. What am I? Yeah, I mean, dog's the only one with tails.

So shit. Ah. What am I? What? I am a puppy. That's pretty good, yeah. So like, got you. Very good.

Very good. That's a good riddle. Uh, current score on this one is 490 upvotes, 1379 downvotes. What can be heard and caught, but never seen? Hmm. Hmm. What can be heard and caught, but never seen? A cold?

Hmm. Interesting. Griffin, do you have a guess? A butterfly. It's a remark. You can't see a remark. I guess it's one thing. Okay.

Like many spoken things. You can't see it. So like any spoken thing, really? Pretty much anything you would say. I guess any audible thing too. Like, yeah, like any, pretty much any audible thing. I guess. The sound of a bell perhaps.

Um. All right. I'm done. This is the new Yahoo. Exactly. This is the new Yahoo now. Okay. Bring us a new Yahoo.

I just have to say one more thing. I passed before the sun yet make no shadow. What am I? The wind. I'm pretty sure that's not accurate. I have to get Bill 9 here, but I'm pretty sure none of that makes any fucking sense. All right. S Kirby sent this one in.

Thank you. Here's user Megan who asks. And maybe this is a riddle. Which soda stains car seats the worst? The car seats are light gray and I want to mess them up. This is not to avoid. This is. Oh.

I see. Yeah. I want to, I want to mess these gray seats up with some soda. So how do I stain these bad boys up with the most stain, stain worthy soda? Hawaiian punch? Do they still, can you get Hawaiian punch to drive through? I mean, maybe, but it's not a soda. And the, the fact that it was ever available in that context is wild.

Then it's Mountain Dew Code Red. You think Mountain Dew Code Red is highly stainable? Well, it's got the dye in it because it's not a natural red. It's a good point. If you do, if you use like a brown, that could almost look distressed. If the person had like a talented hand in the cleaning up of it. It could just look like character. Whereas like Hawaiian punch, definitely it's going to look like, like red.

It's just red, very obvious. But the brown could also look like Duke. And that's it. We got to talk about what's the worst stain. Because if I, if they make sort of a, an opaque white soda that you can put all over the seat. I don't think you know what I'm calling with with this one come. Do you know what I mean? And you can make a, if you get a bit, if they make an opaque white soda,

and I'm thinking about it with what they, what this would be, and you spill this. Like squirt. Uh, yeah, maybe, yeah, squirt might work. And you spill this all over the back seat, but like a huge amount. Then it's going to look like a truly just epic amount of jizz. I think, I would say, I would say squirt is probably going to stain the most. Unavailable. Unavailable in any context.

That's also fair. Here's where we, can you read the question again? Are we going through a drive-through in this one? Which soda stains car seat? Nah, baby. It's just so. The world's our oyster. It sounds like this is maybe some kind of fun prank on a,

or terrible prank on an enemy. Yeah. I would say way more disturbing to me is if you found a way to, one, also let me tell you this, don't Google squirt to try to find out what color squirt is. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Really? Good word on the internet. Yeah.

Just the word squirt? Just the word squirt. But what I will say is if I periodically went out to my car to find that not only was there a spill in my car, but a spill that stayed wet, no matter how much I dried it or how long it sat there, that would bother me the most. So you're going to have to like just repeatedly pour soda on the seat until the person gets rid of the car. I just, we got to take a brief aside.

Cause if you Google the word squirt, I, Griffin, I told you not to. No, I did. It's, it's, it is mostly pornography on the front page. And it's like, what if a child is looking for a new super soaker, but they get anxious and they, they get over eager and they don't fill out the whole phrase. And they do that. That has the word squirt really just sort of has the word squirt is just gone. I've never really seen a word go before.

Whoever is like the PR manager for squirt, whoever's supposed to get in the word out needs to do some brand of management online to try to get that higher up on those search results. The weird thing about it is though, and this is very rare, I think in language, but if you add gun, it gets a lot more kid friendly. I don't know how many things you can say that about honestly. Squirt soda is not even on the first page of results. It's not.

Yeah. All, all, all, all, all of it. All of it. All of it. Coke black has not existed since hot five or hot six, but that has to be through history. One of the most highly staining sodas because it is like, like half coffee, half Coke. Should I buy an empty bottle of it on eBay? The shrink wrap knew it.

It's empty. It's empty. Yeah. But the shrink wrapped it means like it looks really nice. No. No. $12.99. No.

No, that's not a good thing to put money on. Yeah. That's a good point. I just wish it was full of Coke black because I love some of that wonderful stuff. Coke black has stayed in a lot. I feel like full sugar root beer would be very bad. I tell you what's going to really get us there. You know, Joan's soda.

They don't want to abide by the fucking laws that the rest of the soda companies have. No, Joan's soda has like a cummy soda for sure. Why is it so narrowly focused? It's just the wildest. It's just amazing to me how Griffin is quickly going back and forth between judging the internet for taking the word squirt, but also is obsessed with finding the cummy soda. It's just the quits the wildest stain, isn't it? Orbits.

Orbits. Orbits would be good. It's got chunks. It's got chunks right in it. Are there any sodas that you would be happy? I think if someone spilled crystal Pepsi. Well, because they had it, then they would have some. Yeah, then I could have some of it.

But it's back. It's back in effect. Do they make a soda where if I spill the cummy Joan's soda in the backseat and get the funny stain back there? But it lowers the resale value of my car. And then if I spill, is there another soda I can spill on it that'll clean it up? Like one that has like some... Oh, what you were saying? Yeah, it'll...

Club soda. Like an oxy-clean soda, which again Joan's soda might make. Those guys are fucking out of their gourds. I do have to say again, club soda, please do not add us. Okay, thank you. Club soda. You remove stains with club soda. It's not funny, but it's a thing that I think people would have said to us on Twitter.

No, you're right. You're right. I don't think it's going to be powerful enough to get rid of all these cummy stains there. They're pretty deep in there. Let's see here. Just like a Jackson Pollock painting back there. Yeah, great. Oh, fully so good.

Folks, we've so appreciated your patronage here at my brother, my brother, me farms. We hope you enjoyed yourself. And we hope that you're taking care of yourself and everybody around you that is within your power to take care of. If you want to go see Schmanners at the London Pod Festival, you can. That's going to be happening. That's a great picture, Trav. Hey, thank you.

Who's with that picture? I don't remember off the top of my head. That's great. Thank you. You can get tickets for that at bit.ly slash Schmanners London. Yeah. And there's also a cuss show happening next month, bit.ly forward slash cuss September. That was the sound of three Ss.

Yeah. Cost September 2018. Who's going to be at that? Well, I can't tell you because that's the whole thing, but I can tell you it is my favorite, maybe my favorite lineup so far. Oh, don't do that. It's like going to make people feel inferior. Well, it's really great.

It's one of my favorite lineups of all time. All right, great. I launched a new podcast last week. It's called Positivity and it's messages of hope, inspiration and joy in 10 minutes or less. It's me and Amy Dallin and Erica Ishii. And it's just like, you know, short episodes every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to start the day off with some like positive energy. Positiva.

Tini. T-E-E. T-E-E. Yes. Tini. It's a teeny positive show. Every Monday. No, I'm sorry.

I stepped on a thumbtack. Okay. That's why I made that noise. So in at the New York Comic Con shows, I could tell you who's going to be there now because we've announced that some of the guests include Janet Varney, Paul and Storm, Jonathan Colton, Jean Gray, Samus the Rapper and more and even more. Clint McRoy is going to be there. Brent Black, Courtney Inlow, Miles Luna.

It's a pretty sick ass lineup for the Travis and Friends show and you can get those tickets at bit.ly slash McRoy NYCC. And we're doing an adventure zone preview of book two. It's me, Dad and Carrie and that's hosted by Jean Gray. You can get tickets for that at bit.ly slash Taz NYCC. I'm going to be at DragonCon here in Atlanta. So like basically when you hear this next weekend and I also am doing a couple, doing a couple of panels there and stuff, you can find all that information on McRoyshows.com

as well as information about the Sawbones Book Event on McRoyshows.com. Yeah. Sit. Okay. Send in your questions for Orlando and Atlanta, please. That's coming up this week. Go to macroemerge.com to find all of our sick ass merch and you can order the adventure zone graphic novel at theadventuresomecomic.com.

I want to thank John Rodger and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It is so choice. 10 out of 10. And I also want to thank Maxfun for having us on the network. Maxfunfun.org. Go check out all the great shows they have there like Stop Podcasting Yourself and the Beef and Dairy Network and Switchblade Sisters and so many more at Maxfunfun.org.

Do you all want that fine? Oh, Yahoo. Give it to me. Yes, please. This one was sent in by, well, a few folks. Tommy Travis. Send in first. Thanks, Tommy.

It's Yahoo Answers User. Aris, who asks, is it true that some vegetarian won't even drive through a city if it has the word ham in it? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. My brother, my brother, kiss your dad, square out the lips. Maxfunfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. It's new promo time, James. Ooh, what you got, Nekke? How about this? You need more black friends, minority corner, every Friday. Okay, but girl, that doesn't say anything about how we're a podcast.

I talked about queer issues, race, politics, and pop culture. No, it does, because I've already hit record. Oh, girl, you so sneaky, you be linen tripping me. Minority corner. Learn, laugh, and play. All from a perspective that's black, queer, and ladylike. Because nobody puts minorities in the corner. Every Friday.

Hee hee.