My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 424: The Fly-Swallow YouTube Challenge

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

We're back and we're so excited about The Predator! Like, unreasonably excited. We're pretty sure that our fear of Predator has boiled over, and crystallized into excitement in our minds. THAT PREDATOR, THOUGH!!! Suggested talking points: Predator Predators, Tooth Box, Accidental Pizza Birds, Secret Scoops of Nutella, Yahoo Fiction Corner, Magician-in-Law

Hey, it's Griffin real quick before we get to the episode because we forgot to mention it. We have some new live shows to announce that we are gonna be doing at the end of November. We are going to be playing here in Austin, Texas at the Moody Theater. On November 27th, we are doing Mbem-Bem and then on the 28th, we're doing the Adventure Zone

here in Austin. And then for the first time ever, we are going to Denver on November the 29th at the Temple Hoyn Buell Theater. And we're doing Mbem-Bem there. So Austin, the 27th, doing Mbem-Bem, 28th, Adventure Zone and then off to Denver for one more Mbem-Bem on the 29th. And yeah, we're very, very excited.

Well, I'm excited that I don't have to travel for most of those shows, but I'm excited to get back up to Colorado. So tickets for this are going to be on sale for the public on Friday, September 14th at 10 a.m. local time to where the venues are. But we are also doing a fan presale for tickets for these shows,

which is going to be Wednesday, September the 12th at 10 a.m. local time to Thursday, September the 13th at 10 local. And in order to access that presale, which runs Wednesday through Thursday, you have to enter a password. The password is mybrother, all one word, all caps. You type that in, you'll get some early access

to a batch of the tickets for all those shows. So that's it in November, Austin, Denver. We're gonna tweet out links to all the ticket sales for the different venues. So keep an eye on our social media channels if you want it. Again, they go on sale to public on Friday. There's a presale Wednesday and Thursday if you use my brother.

Okay, that's it. Here's the show. The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there

will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar. But not too not familiar. It's a new place. And the girls, do you wanna just say, hey, I wanna? Just say, hey, I wanna. Hello, everybody, welcome to my brother.

My brother, me and advice you for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30s. He got me. Oh, shoot, oh, shoot, oh, shoot. Griffin's blood and guts are everywhere. Bang, he got me, shoot.

The predator got me. It's the predator watched 2018. Griffin, can I ask you a question? Did you see it coming? I did not. I did, I had on the thermal goggles that I can use to see the predator when he comes towards me. But the problem is he had just went

to the Cold Stone Creamery and had a gotta have it. Gotta have it, gotta need it. And he cooled his body way down. So he was essentially invisible in every respect. And then he got me with his arm swords. And he got me from just from butt to cheek, butt to like head cheek. And he cut me all the way open, half-wise.

Dancing cheek to cheek. Yep, yep. Folks, as you've almost certainly guessed, we got a predator watching our hands. After thinking that the predator was gone, he's back on this one. And he is not pleased. Okay, let's put it that way.

He is not excited. Take it from me. You're gonna wanna catch this predator. Oh yes. Folks, the predator is not happy. He has been out of the game for a while, but he is back in Full Force in The Predator, a 2018 film coming out this year.

Yes. I believe. Star, now Griffin, a lot of people are buzzing about Glover. Glover. This new predator stars a gentleman whose name is Boyd Holbrook. And he looks like a, you know, tall glass of water.

And he will be playing sort of the predator. No, no, he's the predator predator, the one who predates the predator. And he, but he's playing sort of the Arnold archetype. Uh-huh. The predator, virginity. That, yeah. No, the predator hunter.

Still wrong. Predator consumer. The one who gets the predator, and this role in Predator 2, this role in Predator 2 is filled by Danny Glover and or Gary Busey, depending on how he looked at it. And obviously Predator 1, you had Arnold Schwarzenegger and just a whole lot of just sort of thick armed

gentlemen in that one. The Predators, is important to point out, cast the sort of thick armed gentlemen role as Adrian Brody, which it still seems, that's where we're going, huh? That's where we're going, huh? Just gonna go ahead and get him in the mix, huh? Great, great, talented, talented, great and talented.

Arms? Did he beef up a lot for that? No, I mean, you could still fit about nine Adrian Brody arms comfortably inside of one of Arnold's gloves. You know what I mean? Yeah. Here's two real names of characters in the Predator. Quinn McKenna and Nebraska Williams.

Oh, I like that. Good, very good. I like that. Here's some more names of characters. Casey Brackett, Traeger, Baxley, Lynch, Niddles, Keyes, Debris, Sapir, Coil. There's just a lot of them like that. I've never seen any Predator movies.

Seems like a good one to start out with is the Predators. Yeah, the Predators. I mean, I know, is the Predators, that sounds like a sitcom starring Predators. That would be so funny. Oh, like the Geico Caveman, but with invisible alien guys. They did Predator, good.

Predator two, love it. Predators, I don't know. Where are we at? You've kind of lost me. It's been 20 years. Predators, okay. And then this one is the Predator. So I guess a lot of the Predators were like,

that's probably enough for us. We're gonna go. And then one Predator was like, I'm gonna kick it. And just kind of see where this all goes. So the next one's gonna be just- They actually snuck it out so that people wouldn't steal the film by calling it a Predator.

And people were like, well, I don't wanna just see a Predator. I don't wanna see a Predator. I wanna see some Predators, the next sequel. And this one's gonna come out. This one. A few Predators. And then this one they're gonna go back to, they're actually gonna get Adam Brody in this one. And he's gonna be very sort of sardonic to the Predator

who will spit its acid at him. Oh my God, can you guys imagine? What if they crossed Predators with the Predator? And I think they'd call it the Predators. And I think it might go a little something like this. There's not gonna be an end to this joke. There is not gonna be a middle to this joke. Glomgor, I'm home.

I don't know what Predator naming conventions are. No, Glomgor is a bit more or less it. Okay. Why can't they give the Predator a name? I mean, most of the one is like, this one has dogs. This one has two swords. And that's kind of sort of, this one is bigger than the other one

and sort of tears his head out. This one has a bad credit score. Anyway, the Predator, we're all very, I feel like this is the first one where you guys really aren't fucking excited about it. I have never, here's what I know. Here's what I know. They got masks and underneath their masks

are faces that look just like their masks. But you know, now that I'm thinking about it, that is generally how masks work. If I take off a mask, it's generally human-shaped. Isn't that true for all of us though? Oh, that's so deep. I know that they can turn invisible, they can see heat.

And so you put mud on yourself and that both is gonna protect you from the Predators and also it's gonna soften your skin up real good. They have, I think, lasers and swords. They hate aliens, they're- Travis, you know, for someone who's ever seen these films, are you trying to hustle me then somehow? Are you about to bet that you don't know about the Predator?

But then you've seen all the movies a million times and you're actually about to take all my lunch money? No, Griffin, I've just watched TV ever. And so I've seen the references. I love the Predator. Okay. This film, I am wild about, and Griffin's right, I haven't been letting my enthusiasm show

through, that's the problem with the 2018 ironic detachment. I'm wild about the Predator. Yeah. The movie, I saw the first one when I was too young to see it, like everybody who saw the first Predator movie, it was too young to watch it. None of us were ready. Got a little spooked, we were all a little bit young

to be seeing this one. Travis, here's the story with this guy. He is not angry at us, he's not disappointed in us, he's just above us. And so he hunts us, like the dogs we are. Wow. The Predator is the first one where we deserve it. And I think that we all should welcome the Predator

and say, we get it. Wait, is the Predator the hero of the movie? It depends on how you look at it. You gotta say, Predator, you take a turn. In this one, the Predator is the hero. He is finally standing up to humanity. Right? In a way that no one else has the guts to.

He's finally putting us in our place. Well, think about how many movies there have been where human beings like eat a burger or have a steak or whatever. And we're all fine with that. So why do we have such a problem with the Predator hunting us? You know what I mean?

We're hunting cows. Can I tell you what happens at the end of Predator 2? Of course you can, Justin. Because it's like one of my favorite, it's one of my favorite things. So Predator 2 is about Danny Glover being hunted by Predator, right? And Danny Glover turns the table

and manages to kill the Predator, right? And then other Predators show up and they're like, aw, shit, nice. And they give Danny Glover an old gun because he did such a good job. Yeah. They give Danny Glover an old gun because he did such a good job and that's it.

Now, he technically becomes a Predator. They're saying like, now you are a Predator. And what's great about that movie is they really wanted Danny to be like in it. So they didn't tell him it was a movie. So when they shot that scene, yeah, Danny Glover got really scared, but he was like, no, I'm gonna fucking fight back.

And they just like recorded it and let the camera roll. It was very real and very visceral. And he killed the actor playing the Predator. And then the other Predators came in and were like, you're the Predator now. And so now like Danny Glover, he'll show up to set on like Angels in the Outfield and be like, how are you doing?

And he's like, pretty good. You know, just keeping an eye out for Predator work because I'm not the Predator, but I am a Predator. And so I will shoot all the aliens I see. I hate them so much. I didn't finish my story. Okay. The gun that Danny Glover is given by a Predator

was given to that Predator 300 years ago by a pirate because the, yes, that's right. This old, old Predator made a pirate friend. The pirate friend gave the Predator a gun. And then the Predator was so impressed with Danny Glover that he gave him his old pirate gun. Okay, wait, what? That is not addressed in the film whatsoever.

It's handled in the backstory of the comics, but it's true and amazing. So Jack Sparrow gave this Predator a gun. That's it. Whoa! I know, let's get into the advice. I think we're ready for it and I think we've all earned it.

My boyfriend likes to buy old, empty wooden boxes and containers from a thrift store occasionally. And the other day, I saw he had a new one. I picked it up to look at it and with a panel click on his face, he said, wait, there's weird stuff in there. So obviously I immediately opened it to find 30 or 40 little rubber replacement earbuds.

While this is an excessive number of earbuds, I wouldn't have thought that was weird. However, he legit panicked and told me it was weird. So I don't know. Help me, brothers, is this objectively weird? Why did he panic? Should I be concerned about his apparent earbud hoarding? What could he possibly even use them for?

I asked why he had them and he said, I don't know. There's a lot of options here and it's gonna be hard for us to fill in the blanks. He could have thought that they were little synthetic nipples maybe or maybe he eats these damn things. He definitely eats them. He definitely just pops them in as he takes these,

scoops them up in a little Ziploc bag and it'll go see the predator at the theater and they'll be like, snowcups, popcorn? And he's like, no, I'm sneaking in some, uh-oh, and they search and they're like, oh, you've got us this little bag of earbuds. And he says, well, I'm not gonna eat those. He does though.

Then he cone heads out and he eats them up. Mmm. Yeah. Maybe, oh, it's also possible that like right next to that box was his box full of like, I don't know, teeth that he's found in the world or something or cause he like tooth fairies teeth away. And like, he thought you were reaching for that box

and he was like, oh, the rubber ears. Yeah, that's weird. Ha, ha, ha. And then like that box on the other side of that box is like, I don't know, magical stones that he's made. He thought it was his tooth haver box where he has all the teeth that he gets. I would love if you like, hey, wait, hold on, wait,

give that a shake. Okay, no, that's not the, I thought that was the tooth box. That one's fine. That one's cool. That one's fine, actually, go ahead and open it. This one's kind of squishing around. Again, don't open that one. Is it wet?

Is that box wet? Nope, then you can open sesame. Go for it. Let's give that a quick whiff. Hey, hold on. Give that a quick whiff. Do you know what a bunch of teeth smell like? You do?

Check that. No, it's not teeth then. Why would you say that? Why would you think it was teeth? Why would you bring up teeth? Why do you keep talking about teeth? Hey, I'm not the one, you're the one having to be about teeth now.

So like, you brought up teeth, I'm pretty sure. Let the record show. So like maybe you're the one obsessed with teeth. Ha, ha, ha. Let's rewind the tape and look at it. What are you talking about? Oh, well that's my box of tapes

that I collect over there. That's my box of tapes. I mean, you have not been lied to in this scenario. They asked if it's a, like, it is a weird thing. It's weird. It's weird enough that you wrote into us about it. You brought it on our desk, so it is weird. And you did ask them why they have it

and they said they don't know, which seems like another fair, non-lie answer. They don't know, they just kept them, because you never know. I mean, that does seem like something that you might have a utility for at some point. Hold on, Jayman, because I was just sitting here thinking about, I don't think you accidentally

collect 30 or 40, because that means that at the very least you have bought 15 sets of earbuds and kept the replacements from them. Well, that just seems excessive. Those gotta go somewhere, because you buy a pair of earbuds at the airport or whatever, and the first thing you do is you throw those extra ear jellies away,

because have you, has anyone ever, has anyone ever been like, oh no, my ear jelly fell off? Good thing I've got this replacement ear jelly to just slop right on there. Or nobody's ever done that. Even if it doesn't fit in your ear and there's other sized ear jellies, it's like, that seems like a lot of work.

I don't, you know, I'm not at the genius bar. That's it. I think in this scenario, your boyfriend has a fear that one day they will wake up and their ears will have shrunk. And they will need, they will need to replace all of their earbuds with these smaller ones. And they don't wanna tell you that,

because listen, the chances of that happening are one in a hundred. So like, yeah, it's like, you don't really need to worry about it, but like, one day you might wake up and your ears will be slightly smaller. That was whimsical as fuck, Trav. I feel like I'm on a,

I feel like I'm on a raw doll story dog. Fuck dude, that's sick. Here's the guy who is from level 9000, Drew Drew Drew Davenport. Thank you. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user. So I'm gonna call them. Playvis asks,

the owner yelled at me. I went to, I went to a takeaway pizza place. And as I was going in, a seagull followed me into the place when I opened the door to look at it. When the seagull flew into the kitchen, the manager burst out yelling at me, saying I had done something wrong.

There were no signs. So I don't think I did anything wrong. I didn't get to order. Why would he yell at me? Did you hold the door open for the bird? This is, this is, this is the mystery I think we need to solve maybe before we go any further.

I opened up the door to, when I was going into the place, I opened the door to look at it. Look at the pizza place or look at the bird. And then this asker says there were no signs. Did you, did you, so you're saying you had the conscious thought of, I'm gonna let this seagull

write the fuck into this restaurant, but because there's no sign saying, hey, no, no big wild ocean birds in here. This is very much like an airbud scenario of like, well, there's no rules against it. So I guess it's okay. How much do we need to communicate to people about what is it?

Can't we just have a big, just a big sign on life that says, hey, don't let birds in here. Or like just wild animals in general. Like, you know, no animal can come in here. Wherever here is, you probably can't let an animal in there. Like, period.

I do want to specify wild animal because if somebody wanted to bring in like their cool pet, like boa constrictor, yeah, you know, or like. I love to see that thing. I'm wild about that. Yeah, I mean, or like a service animal. I guess that's good too.

Man, we all want to see, we all want to see Toby's big boa constrictor, but he doesn't bring them around except at parties and picnics. Well, cause the boa constrictor doesn't like pizza. Cause they can't, they like ball shaped stuff that they can eat, you know? So they love calzones or just like a ball of dough.

But you know, old man pizza Tony won't give him a ball of dough cause he hates Aminals. Yeah. Don't let, I don't think we should let seagulls in it. Like, I tell you, we guys hate more birds or mice. Birds. Mice. All right.

Well, I'll have to hate them equally. It's very rare that I have to worry about a mouse hitting me in the face. Sure. Let's sympathize though for a second because what happens if you do walk into the pizza place, you do let just a huge fucking seal it. Some of these birds guys, they get awfully big.

And so they get into the pizza place and they're scooping up pepperoni rolls and garlic knots and just like mouth them down in one go. And the manager gets mad at you and starts yelling at you and it's like, Hey, this is, this is my pizza place. You've let a big bird in here. How did you handle that energy? You say, this seagull is rich.

Oh. Yes. And like you're their driver, you know, you open the door cause they can't. And then like the seagull pulls out its wallet and like shames the shit out of that old man pizza Tony. So there's one problem is that they won't be able to, you could pull out the seagull's wallet

and be like, I carry the seagull's wallet for them. You understand tribe that a bird can't pull a wallet out. You're sounding a lot like, oh man, pizza Tony Griffin. How far do you, how far do you take this? Like the, the bird. Oh no, this isn't my wall. It's the bird's wallet. You see, I work for the bird.

And anytime they talk to your face, like please, please address the bird. Please address the bird. It drives him crazy. When you talk to me like you're talking to him, please. You could, then you open the door and a pelican flies in. You're like, this is the bird's best friend. And he invited him out for a pizza lunch.

You're embarrassing me. He's also rich. He's also really, really rich. They're so fucking rich. The pelican carries his own wallet cause he's got that big, warbly mouth. So what, they're gonna, the seagull's gonna pay for them both? No, no, what?

No, the pelican will pick up the tabs. The seagull paid for it. You ever gone to lunch with a friend? What's wrong with you? Come on, dude. This job's for the birds. What job? Their job?

Yeah. Yeah, okay, yeah, okay. Yeah, okay, I love it. Train, like translator. God, the fucking holy shit, guys. That was my best joke yet. And you guys didn't like it. That was my best joke yet.

I'm gonna get tweets like, hey Griffin, great episode, best joke yet on this one. And you guys didn't even like it. And I thought you were really gonna like it. I thought you were gonna laugh really. No, I don't wanna try it again. I just, I thought you were gonna laugh really hard at it and you didn't like it.

Could you let in an animal that is a natural enemy of the seagull as a recompense for your misdeeds? Like the octopus? Could you let in an octopus to fight the seagull and take him out? Oh, but then what if that, what if that octopus is translator's there

and it's like, this octopus is rich. And then, oh man, Pete's is trying, he has to decide which one to kick out. He's a pacifist. He's not gonna, he's rich, this octopus is rich and he hates fighting people. And this octopus and the seagull actually have like a Romeo and Juliet,

star-crossed lovers kind of thing going on and it simply cannot be. I mean, you got a little lady who swallowed the fly situation which I, you just make a problem with the little lady who swallowed the fly situation. At some light, her, at some point, don't you gotta just kind of stop. Don't you gotta stop.

Like you swallowed a dog to get the cat and you gotta be like, I swallowed a dog, I'm done. Swallowing the cat, the cat was tough. The cat was tough to get down sort of physically and emotionally and ethically. And then I tried to do a dog and I got there and I think I just gotta walk away because there's not too many.

First of all, what am I gonna, I'm gonna swallow a horse to get the dog and that doesn't even make sense because the horses don't eat dog. Like they're not natural predators. You can't, it's like, it is like, I swallowed a dog and it's in me. And I guess that that's it.

That is the end of it is I have swallowed the dog and the situation is at least contained to me. I have more rows open to me, vis-a-vis a horse, but I just really, really, I really think that's a bridge too far even for me. I tell you the real problem with the little lady who swallowed a fly story and this is the reason I'm not buying it

is whoever the bystander is who's observing this and ruminating that perhaps this old lady will die. Yeah. Hasn't taken the two seconds it would take to explain to this old lady how digestion works. Yeah. And she don't need to worry about it. Yeah.

Fly's long dead. That fly is so dead. You're so fine, little old lady. But see, this is the problem with today's YouTube culture is that they are filming it for their channels. They're gonna put it on the Vine and they're gonna put it on their YouTube channels and they're gonna get a lot of subscribers.

This woman swallowed nine animals. It's great. Please like this. Hey, this is Brofist69. I'm doing the little old lady challenge today. Um. All right, here we go. Fly first.

I went to a pet store where they don't ask any questions. Let's go. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. I guess for the Vine. Hey, it's me, the old lady. I'm back again. Today I'm swallowing the sickest shit yet. Yeah.

Film this. I want to know in case anything happens to me, I leave everything to my great-grandmother, who's still alive. She's been swallowing her whole life. It's for you, GamGam. Today I'm gonna swallow the Constitution. Don't at me.

Today I'm swallowing the predator to get the human I ate last week. But that's it, because nothing, and then I'm gonna get Danny Glover in there. But then that's it, nothing can. That's the end of it. Nothing left. That's the end of the whole thing.

I've eaten everything that can do. And then I'm gonna start streaming. Hello, bro. And then the stream will begin, after I consume Danny Glover. Maybe Fortnite? I don't know. Today I'm playing Fortnite.

I don't know if all, I'm all fucked up on Danny Glover energy. And I'm fucked up on it. I feel crazy. I'm getting the best head shot to my life right now. And I have to eat Danny Glover before I restream. I've never played Fortnite, but Danny Glover is quite proficient at it.

And he's in there sort of controlling the gizmos and gears like a meat, Dave. How many spoonfuls of Nutella can I steal from the pantry before my roommate notices? The jar's about six inches tall from memory. Can't go measure right now, cause he'll see me. That's from the Nutella Bandit in North Carolina. I picture you like in a closet right now

whispering this into your iPhone. Yeah, right. Okay, activate speech recognition. Is there anything better than a fucking food heist, y'all? Is there anything? Cause we all, I do this literally every day where I go into the kitchen, maybe me and Rachel are playing with Henry

and I go in the kitchen and get a glass of water. And I think, you know what would be good right now? Also a secret Oreo. And so I just kind of dig down and I'm like, ooh, where's my, where's the, hey babe, where's the nails? But I like get the Oreos instead of the nails. The nails?

Yeah. The nails. When I babysat, I babysat for a summer, two summers actually when I was living in Heinten, and that family always had gushers. And they were the kids' gushers, but I made them mine because of my actions. The Smerls at their new house that they've lived in for a while.

Of course they always had like, cause Riley was just growing up. They always had great kid freaks. Their pantry was, you had to go through the guest bathroom to get into the pantry. Oopsy-Daisy, did you just let me lock the door? I can like, I can get rid of fucking fingerprints, y'all. Like it is the perfect, it is the perfect crime.

Are you sure? You wanna leave me? He's been in the bathroom for four hours. Yeah, he has. He's scrubbing the plates. Sticky from gushers. When I was a kid, man, I've never felt as guilty. No, that's not true,

but this is one of the things I feel very guilty about. I used to steal mom and dad's Weight Watcher desserts. Oh, me too, bud. Oh my God, sick. Because I feel guilty because I was like 12 and literally could have eaten straight lard and been fine. Yes. But it was the very idea of mom and dad

would bring them home and say, don't eat these. And then I would think like, well, I'm definitely gonna do that then. I got to. And I would always like try to figure out like, okay, well there's four in a box. They've had one.

So the box is already open. So if I take one, maybe mom will think dad did it and dad will think mom did it. And that's why our parents got divorced. Oh, that's not funny. This is what is integral about this question. And then this is the key fucking part of a food heist is, well, you need motive and opportunity.

The motive is, I mean, to snack down. And the opportunity is however you can get in the kitchen alone. But then there's a math. There's a math to it. There's a Indiana Jones replacing the idol with the bag of sand. You got it.

There has to be a stealth aspect of they don't even know it's gone. And this is how they, is there an amount of Nutella they could take that is? There are some stages at which you cannot eat the Nutella. Here, like the primary stage is it's closed. It's sealed. You definitely will notice the difference

between unopened Nutella and open Nutella. That's huge. There is also another bite that is completely off limits. And that's it. That's the bottom of it, the end. If you have the last bite and leave an empty Nutella jar in there, that's the biggest difference, I think, basically the world.

Cause you've taken the person from like, I have Nutella too. I have no Nutella. That's massive. The other thing you can't do though, and you have to be very careful about this, if they've tucked in the jar already, you can't take the person from,

I have plenty of Nutella. I don't even have to think about Nutella for a while. Too, dang, I'm kind of running low on Nutella. Cause that, they will feel that as well. You cannot make that change. You have to leave them feeling fat and happy as Visa V Nutella. Okay, wait, I have a suggestion.

You could also though, you could leave them if they are already at, oh, I'm running low on Nutella. You could still have a couple of scoop rules and they'll still be like, I'm running. Yeah, I'm running. I really need to go to the store, really, I'm running low. It can't be 100.

It can't be 50 or it can't be 0%. You operate in the gray area between those checkpoints. Here's what you do. Every time your roommate has some Nutella, and once they leave the room, they leave the kitchen, you go in and you're gonna get yourself 10% of however much Nutella they just had.

Because most likely, because what you can't do is they don't have Nutella for a week and you keep kind of skimming a little bit, they might notice that. But if every time there's just a little bit more missing than when they had it, either that or you need to mix some mud in there to re-kill it.

Mix some mud in there. Get it back in. And once I said that- It's always on the good as it used to be when I was a kid. I realized you could have maybe done peanut butter and I said mud, but where are you gonna get peanut butter? No, this is great, Travis.

So you tuck a little peanut butter in there with Nutella and then you get out a Sharpie and then you're very best handwriting you right now with peanut butter on the label. And you try to make it look super, super, super a fish. And people come back and be like, I don't remember, I have a peanut allergy and I tucked into this and be like, huh,

better go to a hospital. I'll keep an eye on your Nutella. I guess you don't really have a peanut allergy then. Yeah, find out what they're allergic to and tuck some of that in there. So you can be like Nutella. Now with cucumbers and you write that on the label and they'll be like, oh shoot,

I didn't notice this when I bought it. Oh well, do you wanna eat all this? And you say, you're already eating it. Or you can't go invite the person from like across the hall over just for like a couple of minutes and then they're gone. But so is the Nutella. I love the secret ingredient thing.

All you need to do in your whole life is always carry with you a tube of toothpaste and a sticker that says now with more toothpaste. You can basically eat anything you want to at any time. You just relabel it. You squeeze some toothpaste in to cover your tracks and then you slap that sticker on there. You're done.

That's really good. Travis's idea was promising of bringing in a ringer. And what I like is you can really play it up and be like, this is my old friend, Stelen, the sticky chocolate boy. And he was a foreign exchange student. Stay with my family for two years. We love Stelen.

And almost as much as he loves sticky chocolate. And y'all hang out for a bit, watch the Big Bang Theory or whatever. And then when Stelen leaves, the bottle of Nutella is gone and it's in your bedroom. But your roommate's like, what the fuck? He'd be like, oh, I should have told you.

That's one thing about Stelen. He'll get that chocolate, man. It's not even a question. Don't worry, he won't be over here again. No, we won't invite him again. Okay, do we need another person for this? Or do you just need a very good disguise? Oh, hello, hello, it's Stelen.

Hello, it's Stelen. I'm here, do not leave from me near our chocolate. It is a warning, and they will. Kitchen inspection. Maybe I'm French, maybe I'm Belgian. It's hard to tell. Do not mind the sticky chocolate on my head and fingers and face and mouth and cheeks.

Au revoir. Au revoir. I mean, that dude didn't cross my front door, but I feel like he stole my Nutella. Yep, he did. Damn it. He did. God almighty, he's good.

Oh, we just take all these ideas of maybe the simplest option is just slap a sticker on there that says, now with less Nutella. I mean, the other thing you could do is like, hey, movie night, and they're like, hell yeah. And then you put in the predators, and then you're sitting there and you're watching it,

and you'd be like, hey, do you wanna eat some of that Nutella? And they're like, ooh, that's a good idea. And so they'll start eating the Nutella, and you'll be like, hey, let me get a scooper roll. And then all of a sudden it's not a crime, it's like a friendship activity, but you know it is still a crime.

I love that. Hey, y'all mind if we take a brief sojourn in the money zone? I would love that more than anything in the whole world. You know how I like to start my day? I slide it all into a pair of meundies. Wait, what's all of it? All of it. All the goods.

And I slide them into- Like your butt and everything? As you're hearing this, I've had a vasectomy, and boy was I happy to be able to slide on- And boy are my arms tired. These micromodal fabrics are the best place to put all of it. They release multiple fun prints each month, meundies does, in matching socks and brawlets.

I like them a lot. Hey, thank you Justin for specifying that it's not your bits that release fun matching prints. That means a lot to me, thank you for clarifying. If your bits release fun matching prints, please see it, doctor, as soon as you can. Meundies just launched a brand new membership. You can take your top drawer to the next level

with new undies every month. Don't take your top drawer to the next level. It's already the highest level it could be. It's your top drawer, you know what I'm saying? Why do you have no next to top drawer? No, see, you don't get it. Members gain access to exclusive prints and special member pricing on every product meundies makes.

Get 15% off your first pair, free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee. Just go to meundies.com slash my brother. That's meundies.com slash my brother. I wanna tell y'all about bowl and branch. Please do. Yeah, they make it super, super, super comfortable, soft, luxurious, loving things.

And those things include bedding and blankets. And they are made from 100% pure, the finest organic cotton. Oh, which means they start out super soft and then get even softer as time goes on. And you're gonna get older, but these beddings never will. Wait, no, no.

It doesn't say that at all, group. It says they're chrono time locked. And that you're gonna get older, but they wash these sheets in the Tuck Everlasting Spring. So they're gonna be forever, forever young. And they have thousands of five-star reviews. Forbes, Wall Street Journal, Fast Company are all talking about these everlasting bowl

and branch bedding items. And shipping is free. You can have them. You can try them for 30 nights if you don't love them. Then you send them back for a refund, but you're not going to wanna do that because of how fucking soft and immortal they are. So to get started right now,

our listeners can get $50 off your first sheddest sheet. What the fuck, Twister, isn't it? Oh, geez. 50 cents, $50 off your first set of sheets. Gosh, he got me with Bolinbranch.com. That's B-O-L-L and branch.com promo code, my brother. All one word. All one word.

Go to Bolinbranch today for 50 bucks off your first set of sheets, B-O-L-L and branch.com promo code my brother, Bolinbranch.com promo code my brother. I would like to, I got a personal message here, and it's for Jet Sam, Rivian Chillstep, Ernest P. Braxton and Mudd. And it's from Felicia Silver Tongue.

Thank you for ushering me into the world of tabletop gaming and into the McRoy universe. My life has become infinitely better since we joined forces on our first campaign. I'm so glad we could take on Nashville to see the brothers, search for the Quinta Central Meadball and meet Mayor Kobe Bryant. Say strong, Denim Warriors.

I need to know how much of this happened in the real world and how much of it is it. What was the Tom Hanks movie where he got like so into his D&D campaign that like went into a cave and tried to do like spells and shit? Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm worried that this is that

because I don't know if Mayor Kobe Bryant is like a major, major, major news item that I missed out on. It's possible. Here's the thing. The thing that's messed up about maybe my brain and I think collectively all of our brains, all of these jokes, like the Quinta Central Meadball,

Mayor Kobe Bryant, Denim Warriors, we could have said these in the Nashville episode. Oh, fuck yeah. But like I have no, that's all sent up to the cloud now. I have no idea. You're saying so many jokes. That's in the cloud actually. How about this next Jumbotron, Justin?

Yeah, you know it. Don't even test me. It is a message for the Islanders and it's from Jason A.B. It says, dear Islanders, ever since joining the group, I have met so many wonderful people. Every day brings joy to my life

and interacting with you all has made me a more confident and better person. Here's to more meetups, selfies, jokes, and friends and helping each other navigate through life. I can't wait to meet more of you in real space. Is there a chance that this message is for the New York Islanders hockey team? Y'all have really made me feel a part of the team

because I am on it and thanks for batting the old puck around. I can't wait to meet you. No pucking around. I wish I could meet the rest of the team. But you won't let me. I'm only allowed to meet one of you at a time in case it doesn't work out.

Here's one more Jumbotron. This one is for Future Sarah from Past Sarah who says, happy birthday. You did it. You survived a year in Florida and you're about to move back to Texas where you know you belong. I don't know if you're in Austin or D'Fouvre.

I should believe it's Dallas Fort Worth but what matters is you're back in the Lone Star State with your friends and family. Past you is proud and a little jealous. Okay, a lot jealous. Enjoy that dry heat and bubba queue. And it seems like this happened this past summer. Congratulations Sarah, welcome back.

And like we say here in Texas, we left a light on for you. Hello, are you looking for a new comedy podcast? In which case, can I draw your attention to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast? It's a fictional industry podcast for the beef and dairy industries. It won Best Comedy at the 2017 British Podcast Awards

and it features wonderful guests such as Greg Davis. To my knowledge, it's the only cow circus that's ever existed in this country. In rural Russia, every small town has a cow circus. Josie Long. You should have a beef, have a beef with them. I have a beef with you, I will have a beef with you. Come round my house and I'll have a beef with you.

And Andy Daly. That virus never existed. There was never any such thing as a mad cow disease. That was all an illusion that a big lamb came up with. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Find us at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts from. And I would recommend starting at episode one.

Bye. Do you guys wanna, Yahoo? Yeah. Yeah. This is kind of a new segment idea that I have and I'm gonna bounce it off y'all and if it goes over like a real lead balloon then I'll put it right back in the toilet.

It's sent in by Graham Roebuck. Thank you, Graham. It's an anonymous Yahoo! Answers user but I'm gonna call him. Let's just, Sturm asks. Will the Marine Corps check my tattoo in detail? Long story short, I have this tattoo that I don't like. It's not going to be offensive by military standards

but it is, how should I say this? A little embarrassing. I once went to the place to get a tat on my back. I picked out a real beauty. An American eagle, really awesome. Anyhow, I get it done and I see it in the mirror afterwards. I noticed there's some words

in the circle surrounding the eagle. The words are small and I can't make it out because the mirror makes everything look reversed. The artist guy says it reads all American spirit. Okay, cool. I didn't ask for lettering but it's a nice bonus. Three weeks later I'm playing basketball with a bunch of guys.

It's four on four at the park court. We do shirts and skins. I am a skin. So this guy reads my tattoos, we're taking a break. He really busts out laughing. Can't figure out why he's laughing at an eagle. My friend comes over and starts laughing too. I say, what is so funny?

They tell me what the tattoo says. Turns out, it doesn't say all American spirit. It actually says, I love to masturbate. Can you believe it? Update, so I go home. I still can't believe. My uncle is there so I ask him to read it. He confirms that it says, I love to masturbate.

I still think it is some type of joke so I ask my sister. She says the same thing. Update two, I look in the mirror with a big magnifier. Sure enough, they are right. The guy, sure enough, they are right. The guy really printed those words on my back. Update three, later my uncle says, wait a minute.

Did you go to Ed's to have that done? It's not. Wait a minute, did you go to Ed's to have that done? I say, yeah, so what? My uncle tells me about the run and he had with Ed a few months ago. Ed told my uncle that he would get him back one way or another.

Update four, Ed said, I don't know how, but I will get you, or your nephew, or one of your relatives. My uncle confirms that Ed fucked me over because of my uncle's dispute. Update five, so my uncle and me go down to Ed's tattoo parley. There is a sign on the door

that reads, permanently closed, filed for bankruptcy. We later learned that Ed had a criminal warrant and fled to Mexico. Update six, so my question, will the Marines let me in with such a tattoo? So I figured this could be like a new fun fiction corner just to see the sort of fun slice of life of the gene-ass shepherd stories

that the Yahoo! Answer Service can produce for us because this one is so rich, put it right in the Reader's Digest. I don't know if you can say the masturbate in the Reader's Digest, so maybe we'll have to like switch that word out and I think they say fucking here somewhere, but I read this and I, obviously it's not true,

but gosh, it was such a gut buster. Yeah, and what a journey. And it takes you on a journey. I did not see it coming. I did not see it coming that Ed would be a criminal who fled to Mexico, but I really feel like that was a necessary component that really tied everything together.

I think it's amazing that both fled to Mexico and filed for bankruptcy. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't even need both if you think about it. That could have been the end of the story either way, but I think that does the detail it really. I don't think that's how updates work. No. That's one thing I will definitely say,

that that's not how, it's not chapter headings. Right. I know this is an outline for a book that this person's writing. Okay. Yeah. Are there people responding to it who are kind of saying like, that's lying?

Yeah, Mercury says, sounds like a made up story. Does it? Gunji says, nice story, now prove it. You don't want them to prove it because that means they have to go get a tattoo that says I love to masturbate. Oh no, they challenge me. Well, I guess I made my bed.

And then Ed Wiener says, and you believe your basketball buddies? Find somebody to look at your back and tell you what it says. Eventually you'll hear repeating answers. That's where update two came in. Yeah, Common Sense says, current guidelines are more liberal.

You should be fine if it's not in your hands, face or forearms. I think it'll be fine, nothing to worry about. Marines are like, yeah, we actually like that too a lot. It's a good tattoo because it's not on your face or forearms. No one got to see that. You got it backpack on. I'm getting married a little over a month

and I recently made the grave mistake of mentioning to my soon to be father-in-law that I was kind of a magic nerd when I was a kid. And then I often said I wanted to be a magician when I grew up. He said that I should put on a magic show for his birthday in a couple of months. Oh no. Yes.

And thinking that he was obviously joking. I said, yeah, sure. Brothers, he was not joking. He kept bringing up how excited he is for this magic show. Out of pure social awkwardness, I kept going along with it. It's important to note, I have no idea how to do magic.

What do I do? That's from whatever the opposite of a prestige is in Pittsburgh. I want to get a mason jar and collect the air I'm breathing right now. So I can, I just remember everything about this moment because it's so good to me. Oh, you fucked up so bad.

Oh my goodness. Unbelievably bad. Unbelievably bad. You can't let in-laws know about any interest you have because that will become in their mind the only interest you have. You have the very least. Like the best case scenario

is you are setting yourself up to receive magic kits every Christmas for the rest of your natural life. Now that I say that out loud, that sounds pretty good. Extremely good. That actually doesn't sound that bad. I would lock myself in a box as part of the trick. And then inside there, I've got an itty bitty book light and a novel.

And I'm gonna stay in there until everyone goes away. I catch up on your Bible. Where it says you're not allowed to do magic. What if that was your thing is like, I used to be way into magic, but now I'm just super fundamentalist. Oh yeah. Sorry, dad.

Yes. Suffer not a witch. Sorry, my dude. It's in the book, the good one I say. You have fucked up so incredibly badly that I don't think that we can help. What if you just did it? Yeah, just do it and rock their fucking socks off.

What if you like cut the dad in half, really? That's so bad. Can you even imagine how bad that would be? No, don't murder. Yeah, it would be for magic. It would be for magic. How many times do you think people have tried that defense in court of like,

you cut this person in half like, yeah, but I was trying to do a trick and it went really badly. Like, it's not my fault. It's not my fault that I'm bad at magic. They moved. I want to let you guys know that I just found the website for sfcm.org.

That's fcm.org, the Fellowship of Christian Magicians. So they're going to call you on it. If they go poking around at all, they are almost certainly going to, as I found, the very first result being the Fellowship of Christian Magicians. Their 2019 convention is coming up pretty soon. So make sure you do check that out.

Well, next year, right? They're not doing it this year, are they? Because that would be a pretty cool trick. Guys, I just want to tell you all, I'm not going to read it all because I'm sure it's actually pretty fascinating. There is at least 1,500 words screened about whether or not it's okay to do magic.

So make sure you do check that out. Oh, God, I just got itchy, Justin. I got itchy with the urge I need to read this. I know, I know. Can we take a break from the show or what's up? While you read it, Griffin, I've got a solution to this problem, how you get out of it.

You're also going to drop on your future father-in-law that when you were a kid, you also were really into prosthetic makeup. Like you guys love stage makeup. And then you're going to hire a member of the Fellowship of Christian Magicians that you kind of look like and show up and they're going to do the show.

And then you're going to like pull off your prosthetic makeup once the show's done, you do the bit, you know, oh, it's you. And then you're like, that was me. I did the show and I did it so good. I could never do it again. Please don't ever ask. Sorry, I was not listening and you had to know that. I was reading this Constitution, my friend.

Because it's genuinely interesting. What Travis said, I'm sure was the right answer. That is almost certainly helpful. Probably. How many tricks does a magic show make? I mean, if you have one really good one, I think you're safe. No.

Sorry. Okay. If you do one magic trick, that is a trick that could happen in Promptu. If someone asks you to prepare a show, I think you need a type five. I think you need a type five to be able to call it a show with a straight face.

It's got to be a good five. What is a magic show though? Because yeah, so like, because everybody has different ideas of it. Some people do cards, some people do the rings thing and some people just hold their breath on Oprah for 20 minutes. And so you could do maybe that.

You could say like, okay, here's the trick and you turn on the TV and then Oprah is back, which is a trick in and of itself. And then you walk on and she's like, the show's all about people holding their breath a very long time now. And then so you go in the big tank and you try to do it, but you're not, here's the thing.

You don't have to do it because you can be like, oh no, I ate a big hoagie right before I came here, Oprah. So I got the cramps. Can't do it. But I tried dad, I love you. Maybe you let someone punch you in the stomach like Houdini. I can withstand it, not die like him. So now I'm the better magician.

Yeah, right? Or maybe, oh, just eat that big subway sandwich right in front of them. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. What do you think, dad? Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. I'm gonna do the whole thing, daddy.

I love you. Can I call you daddy, by the way? Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Maybe you do a special show with the lights off. Oh, erotic magic, you're romantic. I do erotic magic and it's sensory magic. Okay, so it's not gonna be able to be seen

with the naked eye, so all the lights will be off. And it's gonna have, the magic will happen all around you in the, you don't need to see magic. You can smell magic. You can taste magic. Oh my God. And as you're saying all this stuff, you're slowly making your way towards the door.

And by the time that you put a chair underneath the door on the outside. Yeah, you casque of a Montalado'd your dad, your new dad. And let me say this, all of his friends. You just, and no, your dad is probably gonna eat his friends at some point, unless they eat him first. Oh, definitely. And that's kind, and then, and then after two weeks,

you go and you remove the door and you open it. And their skeletons fall out, you say, ta-da. So you think after two weeks, your future father-in-law will not only have resorted to cannibalism, but everyone else in the room. Clean to the bone. And your future partner's gonna be like,

what the heck? And you'll be like, no, it's like that fucking, it's like the social magic. You know what I mean? Cause my dad was clearly only a hair's breadth away from cannibalism. You don't understand. I'm on that Darren Brown shit, it's social magic.

I made your dad eat all his friends. With the power of suggestion and hunger, I made your dad turn all his friends into skeletons. I'm like Darren Brown. There was another door he could've walked out at any time, and yet he didn't. Why? The window's open.

He wanted to eat his friends, the window's open, they could see everything. Hello, I'm Darren Brown. Today, on my new Netflix special, I have a theory about people I'd like to prove. We all wanna eat all our friends and turn them into bones. To accomplish this, I'm going to lock my father-in-law in a closet for three minutes.

Oh my God, like a pack of piranhas. He has boned his friend. Oops, little magician joke. I'm Darren Brown. Hey, push that guy off that cliff. I can do anything. No jury in the world. This is my wife, Plumeria.

I love her very much, and she loves her dad. And you're gonna love her dad as you watch him eat all his good friends. And why am I doing this? I don't know. Someone, please help me. I'm just topping myself over and over again. I don't know why I pretended to be a magician

to my dad in turn. That's right, this is all for his benefit. Let's wrap it right up. Folks, thank you so much for joining us. Kind of a weird one. Poor Travis has been home for about 24 hours, and then he's gonna get back on a plane and go over to London.

So expect a lot of really good accents coming up. Oh, yeah. Before too long. All right, so everybody, real quick, some plugs. We just launched a bunch of new stuff on macroemerge.com, including Schmaner's t-shirt and a Schmaner's pin set. But, and I say this as one half of Schmaner's,

even more importantly, we launched our generic podcast merch line, which is like the silliest, and my new favorite thing. We've had the idea for a long time, and it's finally happening. And you can get a mug that says, don't talk to me before I've had my podcast. You can get a poster that says a journey of 1,000 miles,

begins with a single podcast, and you probably should get all these things. There's a beer-cousy that says podcaster on it, with like three frogs saying it. It's very great. And our proceeds for that are going to an organization in our hometown of Huntington, West Virginia, who is working to help combat opiate addiction.

So it's for a good cause, and it's fun and dumb. So you can go to macroemerge.com. I'm doing another cuss show here in Cincinnati, bit.ly cuss September, 2018. That's September 23rd. Get your tickets now. I'm also doing a show at New York Comic-Con with Janet Varney and Jean Gray and Miles Luna

and Samus the Rapper and Patrick Rothfuss and The Devil Clicks, Paul and Storm, Jonathan Colton. It's an amazing lineup. And Schwaners is going to be there as well. You can get tickets for that at bit.ly slash macroi NYC. There's also a- NYCC, NYCC. Thank you, macroi NYCC.

There's also a Taz panel at New York Comic-Con, which we'll be previewing book two of the Taz graphic novel. You can get tickets for that at bit.ly slash Taz NYCC. Also, go get the Saw Bones book. It's a great book. We got hooked up with some early copies of it, and I was enjoying it very much on the flight home.

And there's some juice. There's some gnar shit in there, bud. Oh, thanks, bud. I'm glad you like it. It's pretty gnarly. We had to write all of it. It's pretty gnar. There's a huge picture of a dick on page too.

I don't know if you're at the back page. It's so awesome. I'll flip that open on an airplane, but where can people pre-order the Saw Bones book? Bit.ly slash the Saw Bones book. And Travis has a new show out called Positivity that comes out several times a week. Yes, Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

It's a message of hope, joy, and inspiration in 10 minutes or less with me and my friends, Amy Dowlin and Erica Ishii. It's just a little positive thing, and you can find it on all your different pod catchers. Positivity. Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for our theme song.

It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a very good album that you should just have. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. Shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and The Beef and Dairy Network and Switchblade Sisters

and so many more on maximumfun.org. And we have other shows that you can find at McElroyshows.com. How about that final? Yes. Yes. Finally, yeah, who is sitting by Nick Burns. Thanks, Nick. It's a Yahoo Answers user who has chosen

to remain anonymous, so I'm gonna call them Beverly. Asks? My dog doesn't want to go on walks with me anymore because of the owls. Does the dog know? Hi. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. The girls didn't want to say what I wanted. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Listener supported. Hello, listeners of Maximum Fun. I wanna tell you about our newest podcast that tells you all about the truth of the Flat Earth. Have you been looking out over the horizon and you've been thinking, wait a minute, this doesn't look round. I've been lied to my whole life.

What is NASA doing with $52 million a day? Uh, uh, come on. We explode the myths. Just kidding. We're Hono Ross and Kerry and we investigate extraordinary claims. That's right. We investigate extraordinary claims firsthand.

We go undercover in fringe groups. We get alternative medicine treatments and we hang out with people who have unusual beliefs like Flat Earthers, 9-Eleven Truthers. We do ghost investigations. We've joined Scientology and we got baptized in the Mormon Church. If it goes bump in the night, then so do we.

Hmm. Why don't you check out Hono Ross and Kerry at Maximumfun.org?