My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 425: Bigfoot Meat

Episode Date: September 18, 2018

Human civilization has long pondered the question of Bigfoot's existence. But have we, in searching for the Bigfoot, avoided confronting the far more pressing concern: Which kind of dipping sauce goes best with Bigfoot Meat? Suggested talking points: Iron Deferens, Mork Tipping, Demons in the Dugout, Failure to Fish, Harry and Fieri, Not Brave

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis Patrick McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, and 30-30-30, I'm Griffin McElroy. A lot of busy lives, it's been a busy couple of weeks in the interim of when we've spoken to you

directly. An exciting time out of a sac to me. And I want to say, then came up here to Cincinnati, to the Great Wolf Lodge, including the water park. I watched that fool in a wave pool, and I don't know that I've ever seen a more unhappy human being. Oh, okay. There was a displeasure. I experienced a displeasure. Hmm. Is it maybe because you chose a pool to swim in that kind of goes for your zone? And more than a regular pool won't sort of come at your zone, won't come at your zone like a wave pool will. I didn't choose it, my daughter did, and I wanted to be a great dad. Okay. And I don't know how much you, I do want to talk about one vasectomy related thing, but we've exciting new feature here on the show where we're going to let you, the listener vote

live as we record on sort of like what you want to talk about. So my vasectomy is one of the options. Trab, what do you got? Well, I went to London for several days, and I came back with this new accent that I just can't shake. So I want to hear it so bad. Two things about that is that the what to, let me take, if I could, excuse me, if I could do two things. One, we've done that exact thing before. And two, you've already talked with without the accent. So I feel like even the cafe bay of the bit. It comes and goes. Also, I did realize other thing we could talk about. No, no, no, no, no, we all get one. Quit trying to fucking stuff the ballot box. Speaking of cafe be, I did, I went to wrestling

last night. I went to heck in a sack down in San Antonio. And it was pretty, pretty good. Pretty good. It ended with a big title match between just famed big man, Bron Strowman, and other big other big man, Roman Reigns. And the fight was going very bad. And then the third big man Brock Lesnar came in and broke this broke the sec, kicked the sec door right in and hurt them both. And that was the end of it. So I was thinking like I could do a funny bit about how like if this episode doesn't start, it just starts sort of flagging, then I can have Brock Lesnar come in and beat all our asses. And then they would just stop the show. Now I have a suggestion. And this is a little radical, but maybe I could do my accent while we talk about

how bad it would be if Brock Lesnar attacked Justin's nuts right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we need to vote on though, maybe it seems a little shock, shock radio to refer to the would have been better if we said testicles. No, strap, because I knew that you were going to say something that would also be bad that you would enjoy. That would be like a fun sort of like a way that an old prospect to refer to. Oh, my testicles. Yeah, sort of like an accent, by the way. Yeah, I enjoyed it. That's good. It also it also kind of sounds how like goofy would say the word, which I actually am very, very into. My testicles. So none of this is usable.

All the video, all the votes are in and I'm just going to talk about my face real quick. If you I don't understand some people are uncomfortable with surgery talks. So if you want to skip ahead, 23 to 27 minutes. He's no, please don't get clinical about it. Just tell us what happened in the way clinical. So I they told me that for $80, I could have gas that would make me all silly for the whole time if I gave $80. So I do want to start off by saying, thank you so much, Max fund donors. You should know that I did spend a little bit of your money getting high for my testicle surgery. Hold on. That's a weird upsell moment. I'm like, Hey, you've come in here for a vasectomy and you're going to be here and very present for

every second of it. Unless you want to give us $75, no $80. $80. And then we'll take you to town. So I give you the undercutting. You want a bigger? So I told Sydney, okay, so I went in, I had the gas. I had the gas once before when I had wisdom teeth surgery. And my memory of it was count backwards from one to 10, 10, nine. Oh my God, it's done. And I wake up at right. And it's like I had, I had gone completely out. And I thought that's what I was in for for the surgery. So they give me the tube with the gas in it and tell me to hold it. And they said, are you a nose breather, which is a wild, like I can. I do both like humans. Well, the times when you wake up are when you let go of the tube or when you breathe through

your nose. So don't do either of those. Cool. Right. So I'm doing this and I realized like after a while I'm really huffing on this good stuff. And I realized like I'm not blacking out. So in my head, what I thought was it's not working. Oh my God, I'm going to be awake for my testicle surgery. Oh, please don't let this be the case. But I guess this kind of anesthesia is patient led where they don't want you to go too deep. They want you to be in sort of like a twilight state. Interesting. Yes. So I basically spent the entire time high. And when you're high like this, what you want is a nice drug sherpa who's not high, but is going to make a pleasurable drug experience for you.

I was in the literal opposite of a good place to have a drug experience. Here are two things. Here are two things that I heard while I was in this weird twilight state. The first one was this. I don't know how the vast deference ends up like this, but some are just gnarled and impossible to cut through. Like tree bark this guy's deference is. Hold on. I don't know how some of them. Is that a real thing that was said or just something that you were? That was a real thing that was said. Okay. That was a real thing that was said. The second real thing that was said was I started giggling because I was on laughing gas. So it struck me as funny that I was awake

while somebody was like, I would realize like how bad it was for me, right? So I got kind of tickled that I was awake for my testicle surgery. And I was just like high on this stuff. And it was very funny to me in the moment. So I started giggling a little bit. And I heard one of the nurses as the doctor, have you ever had anyone laugh during a vasectomy? And he said, no. Okay, good. So, so just to be clear, this incredibly routine surgery, we're in uncharted waters, huh? What was your, what was your iron deference and your jovial constitution? Holy shit, juicer. I was still extremely high. I cannot, I mean, because the whole time I thought I should black out. So I was huffing this good, good stuff even harder and just huffing and

huffing, trying to black out because I didn't want to be so present for my penis surgery as I was. And I real huffed it. So when I got done with the surgery, I was still extremely high. And the first thing that my doctor says to me is, now remember, you're still fertile. What? And I was like, then what the fuck are we doing here? How could you say that to me, a high person? And he said, well, and he didn't clarify it. Of course, what he means is like, it takes a while before, you know, everything's like all the little spermies are dead or whatever. And they've cleared the pipes. Is that what he said? Is it spermies? He said, and then he said, your vas deferens is very knotted and hard to cut through. And it's

like, I'm high. Yeah. I don't know how to process what you're telling me. So he said, there's a lot of torsion down there. And what I said to him in the moment was, my wife and I don't do weird stuff. But that's fine for people that do. And he looked at me like I was a moon man. Like an astronaut. I can't imagine why. I can't imagine why. I love that you are still sex positive in your life. Yeah, for sure. I didn't want, I mean, I have, I have firm beliefs that I need everybody to, to get down with. The, the after, then after that, they sent me home with 30 per cassette. So I don't know why we have such a problem. That's the end of this, this segment. Uh, I'm recovering. Well, I'm in a decent amount of pain. I'm still wearing a jockstrap,

which I may never stop because it is. It's really nice. I'm always ready for sports too, which is great for me. Well, we got a racquetball at noon. So let's get rolling on the advice. Here's our first question this week on the show. My waitress reached her hand out to take my plate, but I thought she was trying to shake hands. So I shook her hand instead of giving her my plate. Should I dine and dash now before she brings the check and have to face her again? That's from, I fucked up in Texas. Um, why did you think contextually in that moment that your server needed to congratulate or meet you? Which is so clean. It's so I've never seen one this clean before. It started off as a black plate and now it's a white plate. How did you do that?

You dang lick the decorations right off this fancy plate. Oh man. Uh, I don't think that dining and dining and dashing means you've done two terrible things to this other sentient living human being today. And, and I think you got to try and with your second act, try and counter the very bad first thing you did. I think paying double for the meal or tipping 500% or something. Cause if you dine and dash, it's going to, it's just going to ruin their day even more than it already, it is already ruined quite badly. And I want to drive that home. You did fuck up pretty bad because here's the thing that I, I can't, I have to point out someone reaching for a plate versus reaching for a handshake,

they are not instantly going to transition their mind to, oh, it's a handshake now. So there had to be at least a second of like, as if you were trying to dock a space shuttle, like with, with a, with, with the space station and it turned at the last second, you're like, well, here we are. Like there had to be a moment of like, what is this? That's what you've got to, that's what you've got to unpack before you do anything else. You need to look in that mirror and you need to take a, take stock of your own shit because I am guaranteeing there is no way the trajectory of the plate reach is the same as the trajectory for that a handshake attempt would have been. They were reaching downward towards a table to pick up

a plate or a tray or whatever the fuck. That is not the same as a hand coming at you. Like I level straight towards you as if to say handshake. You saw this hand reaching for a plate and you wanted it to be a handshake very, very badly. I'm trying so hard to picture it. Like, I need like a whiteboard. I need some dry erase markers. I have to diagram it. It's funny. You know, I think when tipping was created, it was obviously to reward good service. I wish, I have found myself wishing multiple times recently that I could tip at the beginning just so they knew that like, if you say I'm going to tip generously, you should know that up front, then they'll, maybe they would see you as some sort of like good hearted, bumblebrained

eccentric and like all these things would just kind of go away because they know at the end or that they would be getting a good tip. But you can't actually say like, I'm going to be tipping well at the end. No one does that. You can't do that. So you have to tip. Well, well, hold on, hold on, hold on. Assholes do that, I bet. Yeah, but I wouldn't be doing it for like asshole reasons. I would be trying to buy myself just like, I know I'm going to fuck up some things here. Listen, I know I'm going to make, I had, okay, I'll give you a good example. We were in a Great Wolf Lodge this past weekend and we had friends there and we had like eight people and then four of her other friends decided they want to join us for dinner. And I was like,

we're going to have to drag another table over. How could that possible? This place was empty of it than us. And in my head, I could not see a way to get four more seats that adjoined to our seats. And I was so terrified to ask somebody else had to ask. And I tried to will the server to know like, I'll give you a good tip. Please don't be mad at me. Please. I know that this isn't good. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best here in a bad situation. I just wish that I could communicate to people that I'm not an asshole. I really am not a monster. I promise. That's why I think here's my new plan. This is what I suggest to everyone. Tip very well, one, but also do so in like all 50 cent pieces. So then they're like, oh, not only did they tip very well, they're clearly an eccentric

bumblebrained kind of person as justice. And it's like, oh, so this is both a good tip and fun. And let's me know like, okay, that's why they shook my hand when they're reaching because like they're the type of person who tips in 50 cent pieces. So if it's a big, but if it's a big table, you're kind of an envisioning them carrying home $15, 15 pounds worth of coinage as sort of a reward for a job well done. Yes. Now that is true because like say it's like, oh, I don't know, a large party's like $500 meal and you tip, let's say 30%, right? You have just tipped $150 in 50 cent pieces. So yes, you have just also granted them probably at least some muscle soreness if not like a dislocated

shoulder. Another good option is when they reach back their hand from the just really inexplicable strange handshake you've given them. They looked down in it and there's a single egg in their hand. And then they look back up at you and you say Nanu Nanu because you're a space person. And it's the only, and they'll say, oh, you shook my hand because you're a space person. And now I understand because of the egg and that it's a more, it's a whole more thing and I love it. No tip required. I love the more thing. How about a Yahoo? Shazbot. Shazbot indeed. This one was sent in by Emma Roden. Thank you, Emma. It's Yahoo answers user Cassie who asks, stepdad playing with black magic. Oh no, that's right. Yesterday my stepdad was in

the bathroom and the lights were turned off and only a couple lit candles. There's was weird spiritual music going off and he was whispering something over and over again. I don't know if he was doing black magic or just relaxing by back. I'm kind of freaked that he believes and diabolical shit, I guess, for asterisks. What do I do? Wait, hold on. So in within the question, the question poser says it's either black magic or he was just like relaxing or it was Terry's special time and he had an audio book going and he had the scented candles going. He was either listening to a nice audio book or speaking with Buffo Met. So what do I do? It's one of the two. It was either listening to the new Dan Brown novel on audio cassette or it was Buffo Met.

It might be both. True. Multitasking is huge. It's 2018. Yeah. And you know, in Dan Brown, there is a whole book called Angels and Demons in the outfield. In the outfield. Oh, that's a good one. I haven't seen a demons in the outfield. Maybe just in the outfield waging war for our souls. Oh, yes. A remake of Angels in the outfield that's about like a literal holy war betwixt Angels and Demons and the demons support, I don't know, the Baltimore Orioles. It's just the first team that came to mind. And they're led by little. They're probably led by little Nicky, when you think Nicky's probably the only. Oh, it's time. It's time. Holly weird. Get Emmy for little Nicky to Angels and the demons in the outfield. Demons in the dugout. Demons in the

dugout Travis with the slam dunk pitch green light. What do you do though with you? What do you do when your stepdad talks to Buffo Met in the bathroom? Oh, you know what I would do? Tattle to mommy. Well, yes, but I would also like before stepdad went in there, I would get like a dry erase marker and like draw like a smiley face on the mirror. And so that way when he tries to like look in the mirror to talk to the devil, he sees that smiley face and he's like, Oh, you know what? Maybe not today. Maybe it's just a day. Maybe today I'm just going to go outside and smile. So it's just a situation where he was going to commune with the some sort of elder God or whatever. But then he saw a picture of a smiley face like you might have seen on a t-shirt in

the 70s. And he said, Nevermind. Well, my only other suggestion was to make a real stinky poop in there for him. So then the devil won't show up. Yeah, or he does. And he's like, Oh, Terry, you've completed the run. Oh, Terry. Oh, Terry. Oh, Terry. Oh, Terry, no. He's just is it has he ever done anything good? It's just like always just you whenever you hear about him, it's always bad stuff most of the time. I don't know, Griffin. I'm off to mind, you know. Oh, no. Because the devil, he seems bad and don't get me wrong. He is. He loves to rock. But without the devil, would we really appreciate the angels? Because if everybody was good and angelic, Griffin. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Then maybe nobody is. There's a user named Leviticus on here,

which is already great, who says if your stepdad wants to play silly games in the bathroom, then leave him to it, which really should be the motto for 2019, I think maybe like 2018 was collaborating. And I don't know that we've been especially good stewards of that. But I do think that 2019, if your stepdad wants to play silly games in the bathroom, then leave him to it is something we could actually honor pretty easily. Let your stepdad do whatever he wants in the bathroom. Yeah. Just the silly games. It's fine by me, Griffin McRoy. Here's what's hard for me. I'm trying to walk the right path. Sure. Trying to be good to my fellow man, trying to tithe 10%, trying to worship, trying to keep the Sabbath holy, all of it.

Yeah. And then I feel this little creeping presence sneak up from behind and say, Justin, I'm sure you shouldn't go down to the bedding parlor or what have you. Put some butts on the ponies, steal your, steal your brother's big screen TV. Steal that big basketball from the Dick's Sporting Goods you've always wanted. Yeah. You know, you can never afford the big basketball that they say is just a picture of a basketball. They hung up at the basketball section, but you know, it's a real fully formed basketball that would be so fun to play with. And the devil is the one who's always telling me to do these bad things. And I just want to try to live a righteous life. How about another question?

Yep. I like to take my family fishing, but we haven't been fishing for very long, so we're not very good at it yet. When we go fishing, we feel like people are watching us. They're watching us be bad at fishing. We want to keep fishing, but we don't want to endure the withering gaze of more seasoned fishermen. How do we go fishing without other people looking at us? That's from Self Conscious 6 in Salt Lake. PS, we haven't caught a single fish yet. I think it is, I think the hardest pill to swallow in this sort of situation that you've ginned up is that there are people for whom watching people not catch fish is a very good thing to watch. Like one of the things, like we have phones and stuff, like definitely,

probably they're not going to watch some people not catch fish, I think. There are TV shows I could watch where very good fish catchers catch fish like, not stop. And I'm talking about big fat fish of all shapes and sizes. And I don't even want to watch that. And there are whole TV shows you could watch where people aren't catching fish. Like there are whole episodes of Law and Order SVU where no one catches a fish. Yeah, there's so many shows where no fish are caught. I love Tara's House, but there's only been like one or two episodes where they catch fish. I feel like I wouldn't, I mean, I feel it because I would not know where to start with this. I definitely could buy a rod and I think I

could find a place around here that sells worms. That's as far, yeah, that's as far as I could get. Do I go early in the day? Do I go late? I understand this sort of anxiety, this person's experiencing because I feel like it's such a narrow window in which you could catch a fish anyway that there's a real good chance so we see you fishing out there and just know that like, it's definitely not going to work for you. Maybe, maybe this is like an expectation thing where like when you get to the lake, I assume, question mark, you like loudly announced like, I hope I don't catch any fish today. Loudly, loudly, I know it won't work. I do know. Okay, here, let me chime back in. Loudly won't work for fishing. I know that because they hate that.

They hate the sound. They hate our human noises. They love their own fish noises because I watched fishtails and they were always singing and dancing around in that flick, but they hate our human sounds. Then maybe like a sign, like hanging on your both, it's like not trying to catch fish. Like, I know how this looks. It looks like I'm, but I'm just trying to soak these worms. I feel pretty confident. Just sucking the worms. Let's get these worms. He's wet. I'm just trying to rehydrate my worm friends. I feel pretty confident of one thing because I've eaten fish. If I were to somehow look into catching a fish, right? So I get the fish on the hook. I zoom in my boat and I have him there. I do feel pretty confident that the look you lose would then be treated to me bewildered

watching a fish die. I think that is the next thing that would happen is I would watch a flapping fish look around in panic for hoping against hope that an adult would rise from the sea to deal with this situation for me. The best I could come up with, I'm thinking in the moment, I think I would probably drop it back into the water until I came up with a plan. I think this is the best that I would be able to chin up in the moment. Okay, hang out here. I'll be right back. I just like de-fish him. I think would be the best that I could probably do is like return him to the ocean and hopefully he found a way to like free himself. That's the best I could come up with and that's monstrous what I've just said. I would most likely throw the rod in after the

failure. This is yours now. Yeah, I'd say my great fear is that it would be I would go out on the boat and I would start fishing and I would fall in the water and become an incredible Mr. Olimpet because the fear for me there is not obviously like the trials and tribulations that he went through as a sea creature in that movie is that I am happily married and the father of a beautiful son and in that movie the Mr. Olimpet is also has a similar like life situation where he falls in the water becomes a fish and instantly falls in love with a lady fish who I think he calls lady fish and I don't know. I guess I'm scared of sort of like the infidelity that I think I guess goes along with being a fish guy. So I never ever get out there on the water because

I don't want to be tempted. I don't want to be unfaithful I guess like Mr. Olimpet was. Do you know what I mean? Because here's the thing there are plenty of fish in the sea and that's scary. And that scares me that scares me that scares me because I would never I'm not tempted in my human form. You give me a fish brain and it's all instinct I don't know. I don't know. Sure. It's instant he falls in the water he's like oh no and I guess he sings a song or something and then there's a lady fish he's like hello and it's like there's a lot of ethical questions about that Mr. Olimpet. Hey just quick question because I think there's a marks the 100th time we've referenced Mr. Olimpet. When was the last time any of us watched it? Oh never is my answer.

Okay because it's a solid at least two decades for me. I've been waiting because Jim Carrey was supposed to remake it and I just keep hoping that that's going to come together eventually. So I guess he joins the Navy in his fish form and fights Nazi U-boats. Yeah I remember him said it I think I think he sets off like ocean sea mines I think is a thing that he does. All right. Yeah he forms like a fish Navy. It's like a glorious back Finn glorious bastards. Oh no I guess two Navy officers reach out to Mr. Olimpet in the sea and offer him a commission in the United States Navy. It's unknown what becomes of the conversation for the movie ends with a question mark. That's pretty fucking cool way to end the flick. That's kind of like the

Brock Lesnar coming out and beating the shit out of Mr. Olimpet ending of the flick and I'm very into that. Man I would watch that movie. Yeah sure. What do you do when you catch a fish? You get Brock Lesnar to come punch you a bunch. He doesn't really he doesn't paint with punches. That's not really on his palate. Is he more of a kick man? He's more of a throw man. Oh no I see. All right fellas this has all been great but we need to take a quick surgery on the blue apron. Two words. Seems so simple don't they? They are because blue isn't the danger folks if you start talking before you really decide what words you want to kind of string together into ideas. Listen I've only got the one method Justin I don't know what you want from me. Sometimes

when you're building the plane underneath you as you fly it you add in like um you add in like I'm gonna add in some big big speakers and then I'm gonna make sure that the paint color is blue and you realize you have not put in wings or a chassis or a yeah and you're making a jeep. That kind of thing. Yeah you're making a jeep. Yeah it happens um so blue apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone and they do they do it by delivering farm fresh ingredients and step by step recipes to your door. I'm a big fan of blue apron um it makes me feel uh well I you know when I started doing it I felt like I could cook and now having done it for a couple years I will say it has actually improved my cooking abilities and

Blue Apron is dedicated to supporting a more sustainable food system setting the highest standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Um they just did a Bob's Burgers like a partnership. I thought you could get that. I loved it so much and I got to make the I got to make the Bob's Burgers. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash my brother that's blueapron.com slash my brother to get your first three meals free Blue Apron a better way to cook. Uh can I tell you all about quip? Yeah I hate quip. Did you know it's opposite day? Did you know it's opposite day? Oh I think that could be a really fun way to start doing these ads. Do you know what I mean? Do you like about hating them? Yeah I'd be like oh it

it doesn't brush my teeth really good and make my teeth look white and beautiful. Just it's opposite day. So you have to keep saying that over and over again. Why don't you do an opposite day for this one and see if they still give us money? Okay good test run. And I'm also I'm worried Griffin that if you say it's opposite day on opposite day doesn't that mean it's not opposite day? Ah shit birds. Okay anyway I like it's not opposite day anymore I love quip and it's because I was brushing my teeth wrong because I was using the wrong toothbrush and now I'm using a quip toothbrush it's sleek and stylish it's modern it is discreet and it is an electric it's a new electric it'll keep my mouth shut while I'm brushing it in and out in there and it's an electric toothbrush that's a

fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes and it packs premium vibrations for a perfect two minute clean plus their guiding pulses remind you when to switch sides and they'll deliver new brush heads on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars including free shipping worldwide it's great I have one it sticks to my bathroom mirror I pop it in brush it pop it back out and then I can travel with it it's super easy anyway quip starts at just twenty five dollars and if you go to gitquip.com that's uh git q u i p dot com slash my brother right now you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush spelled g e t q u i p dot com slash my brother I got a jumbotron here uh I want to tell you hey do you like people playing video games

with a twist check out this youtube channel espresso steampunk there are no x's in the word espresso by the way as you can tell by the way I say it espresso he plays scary games while recording his pulse and pupil dilation kind of like blade runner um he plays dating sims while giving comedic dating advice with his girlfriend he just wants to entertain you while he chills out what could be better so once again that's youtube.com slash espresso steampunk I uh it's been too long since I've seen blade runner I don't remember Harrison Ford like playing fortnite while but maybe that happened did that happen did Harrison Ford do a lot of live streaming in blade runner yeah and he gets his ass completely wracked by these fucking handroids because they have

hands at our keyboards and they use all the cheat codes oh they have like the turbo button they have turbo buttons built into their freaking you know fingers and thumbs and elbows and they always play odd job and the only game I can beat them at is dance central because they got no rhythm but I do can't teach a robot rhythm I always say that I have a message for Chris and it's from Anna and it says sub handsome can't believe we've been together for 10 years already I'm not very romantic but I figured if I got our favorite brother street this message to you my love would come through am I good looking forward to many more years of eating titinos hanging out with our cat Sam and watching dumb internet videos much love Anna and this is for on or after January 22nd 2018

so wowza did whoo whoo that is bracing that is a bracing amount by which to miss this uh happy occasion so thank you so much it's been basically 11 years so let's go back and fix it okay hi I'm viz and I'm Teresa and we host one bad mother a comedy podcast about parenting whether you are a parent or just no kids exist in the world join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent I'm just gonna end with this everybody you're doing a remarkable job of swimming through the shit show what is parenting so join us each week as we judge less laugh more and remind you that you are doing a great job find us on maximumfun.org on apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts uh yahoo sure yeah it sounds great

so this one was uh sent in by matt brown thanks matt yeah who answers user star five who asks if you were bigfoot would you reveal yourself to humans like a flasher probably not a flasher probably like a you know an announcement hey I'm bigfoot it's it is me let's do this thing me and you together humanity let's fucking let's roll if I was going to you'd have to pick the right moment to make maximum impact right so it have to be 2020 election yeah and like announce yourself as like a candidate oh I think it just the bigfoot endorsement oh okay see but that's the thing is like I would want to do it just when I felt like people stopped believing in bigfoot and that's when it's gonna make the biggest impact because if everybody already believes

you're there big deal right then you're like I'm bigfoot everyone's like yeah we fucking know but it just feels like if you could wait until like the tipping point where most people are like yeah you know what there's no bigfoot and then you're just like boom I'm bigfoot uh that weird guy at the grocery store was right that would be good um I'll tell you the problem I'll tell you why I probably would this would be a firm no for me if I was the bigfoot is I would step up and I'd be like hey uh I'd do a press conference hey a bigfoot uh big and Harry and I live in the woods and um I just want to chill uh so I just wanted I just wanted to say hey because I know y'all have a lot of internet fights about me I want to put that to bed I'm is me the bigfoot uh Jack

Lynx don't appreciate your whole thing um I'm pretty chill so uh Harry and the Hinnerstons is the best is a great movie best movie ever made uh that they actually got it the closest to right so uh well well done so uh anyway I'm gonna go back to the woods and there'd be a lot of people who would watch Jill Stein 2020 okay Jill Stein 2020 just wanted to get that out there and don't have a bunch of debates about sort of who I'm gonna support because Jill Stein 2020 bye 2020 bye uh there'd be a lot of people who would watch that press conference who didn't have particularly strong feelings about the existence of bigfoot who would then see it and then say wow I want to eat that thing oh yeah do you know what I mean like they like I like there'd be people who like don't

particularly have feelings about but they would see the bigfoot do the press conference and say like hey I'm bigfoot I'm real Jill Stein 2020 uh legalize it and then wander back off in the woods and there would be people who would say like I wonder what the the meat and flesh of that animal would taste like do you know what I'm talking about I want to wear him like a jacket I want to wear him like a jacket there's only one of them and I'm sure the meat is maybe tough and gamey but it would be the only one to ever have it and there'd be lots and lots and lots and lots of people we could not satisfy we'd have unless we did like a real oak just situation like we would not be able to fully satisfy uh the the the hunger for this uh for this being's flesh and uh Griffin

who do you think is the most famous person who would want to eat bigfoot uh how famous is Ted Newchin because that's 100 guaranteed yes um I bet maybe Gordon Ramsay would want to eat bigfoot oh the entire the chef the chef community would be uh I mean certainly there there are chefs who would be like more into like sustainable sources of meat but then there would be like Wolfgang Puck would like format uh like a militia to get to get to get the to get to bigfoot I have a think piece for you I have a think piece for you uh here that I'd like to craft in this moment I was looking up a study and right now according to the best research that I could find my research around 20% of Americans one in five uh believe that bigfoot is real okay one in five

if bigfoot goes on tv and does a press conference about how he is real that is broadcast across all the major news stations the next morning what percentage of Americans believe bigfoot is real this is what like what I'd like to pause it is has it changed at all to see is that is it less or do fewer at that point how many people would watch bigfoot talk on tv and say hi it's me bigfoot I'm real Jill Sun 2020 legalize it how many people after that press conference the next morning wake up and then believe it is real this is an excellent point jesson because there are many people in the world that I know are real but at any given moment when I'm not looking at them I don't believe they exist what's the number uh I think bigfoot goes on tv does a press conference before

this press conference one in five Americans believe bigfoot is real what is that number after the press conference well fuck jesson there was a hologram of tupac who just like performed at a thing and they've got the green screens and the cgi's and boy you are really working so hard to dodge 15 what I think it drops that's about oh interesting that's actually where I was because I feel like there's a percentage there is a not insignificant percentage of the bigfoot crowd for whom seeing bigfoot given press conference on the uh the national media uh would probably lower their chance of believing in bigfoot I believe what there was a percentage of the human population there would definitely be someone who would see it and be like oh no that's not bigfoot

yes that's just that's just a large talking ape man but that's not bigfoot I mean if I draw on bigfoot and he looks like this and he has ripped pecs and he has just like a 12 pack and he kisses real good and that's not him I mean if the last few years have been any indication if it does appear on the news there will be people instantly on facebook like if they don't look that big to me like anyway I would want to eat him yeah I think we'd all want to sliver that but not all of him no no no no just enough see now I'm picturing like some kind of like a movie a buddy comedy of like bigfoot comes out and announces themselves then the whole world wants to eat him and it leads to this like worldwide hunt for bigfoot and like he has like one friend who like helps him and it's

like Guy Fieri like and they team up and Guy Fieri has to like protect him from all the other like chefs in the world and they just go on adventures together yeah maybe it's more of a sitcom maybe it's like a an hour long not really sitcom so much just a humorous drama yeah so and at the end you're envisioning sort of a departed style ending for this one because really Guy Fieri is just trying to find a deep fryer big enough to get the entire bigfoot in it at once like that at the end bigfoot dies of a heart attack but as he's dying tells Guy Fieri like you're the only one it's okay yes please do it and Guy Fieri's like I don't want to so bigfoot climbs inside of his mouth and makes him chew him up and it's really touching he jams his huge hairy fist into Guy

Fieri's huge hairy mouth and just makes with his other hand just kind of forces Guy Fieri's jaw to go up and down and up and down and as Guy Fieri cries donkey sauce yeah yeah he cries donkey sauce directly into the mouth to add the flavorings and take it to the straight to flavor town it's basically like the um the arm cutting scene in 127 hours it is long and it is brutal and you see all of it but it's cathartic if anybody can get bigfoot and Guy Fieri to commit and we know which one of those is going to be the most difficult yeah then I will kick start that project and then after credit scene guys hosting the the triple g guys gross your games and one of the contestants runs back down the aisle and he's like all right what'd you get he's like well I got some

Tabasco sauce um I got some panko breadcrumbs and I got one pound of bigfoot meat and then it cuts to Guy Fieri's shocked face and he's like where did you question into a question mark got a haunted doll watch okay it's a brief one but this is a kind of a unique approach that I'd not seen before so I wanted to highlight uh this haunted doll named Goldie who I will say Goldie does not look all that creepy kind of a sweet doll if I'm being honest kind of just like uh just looks like kind of a sweet doll to me um I want to send you all the link so you can enjoy Goldie you're not going to be able to find Goldie when you're here this episode because Goldie's only on sale for another 26 minutes zero bids on Goldie currently starting bid is $38 which is

kind of a buck wild starting bid amount just kind of seems like you snapped that one out of midair but anyway this is oh my god Justin what just the this supplemental images it's kind of a sweet doll that's all it's just kind of a sweet doll anyhow this is Goldilocks this is quote Goldilocks quote I've been working with her for a while now and discovered she died a horrible death I took pictures of the response I got when asking her several questions about when she died and who killed her other things that came up were quote violence hand hell and copper I can send you pictures of these words on my device if you like I was limited by the number of pictures I can post what's the describe the device Justin it is I just thought it looks like

okay it's a phone definitely it's a phone and it looks like there's like meters and stuff at the top and then below it there's like the NES font basically like Mega Man NES font describing I guess what the doll is trying to communicate I don't know if this is a program or what but it is amazing here are the images like the text on these images is inside you that's the first one and it's the best one I wish you had started with another one because it's the best one what possible what possible question could you have posted this hounded doll that the response inside you would be an acceptable getting said well next seven followed by light and then believe him oh my god okay October these are all discrete images gorging maniac not brave if only there

was a word that meant not brave afraid is the next image Griffin afraid not brave not brave I know there's one that's like easier hey you have a limited number of images you can share and you're going to do both not brave and afraid last one is cremate by the way so you do have that going for you I don't know what I'm putting out a bounty on this fucking program please someone tell me what it is it looks like an iphone app and I need it desperately so here's the lesson it says right here Justin if you have any questions please feel free to ask yeah what app is that please I do I want to say that this is this is the reason I'm I'm reading this and not just because of this these great great uh uh ghost communication app that apparently exists um the after all this

at the end this question this uh lister says I also ask that you place her in a room you use most so you can connect spirits take time and the more time you spend with her the more she will show herself to you please be patient she is an amazing fine so it's not just like I'm gonna get one of these as like a novelty it's like I'm gonna put this doll in my home in a high traffic zone so I can really get comfortable with the ghost that's in this doll I wanted to be somewhere where a company's gonna see it I wanted to be somewhere very prominent I've never seen uh uh that that sort of requirement on a ebay listing I mean it's word of mouth marketing isn't it please talk about the doll to all your friends to give them the web address of my ebay shop of uh of haunted

items this person's this person's on some some next level multi-level marketing shit I do want to warn you that as you connect with her more and more she will start to send you that inside you message more and more and then it's time to sell her um uh folks that's gonna do it for us this week thank you so much for uh listening to our program uh I want to say real quick I got a new podcast it's a meditative show about cereal uh I made it for anxiety sufferers and people who like cereal and people who fit into both categories uh I made it with the creator of a cereal blog called Serialously named Dancubare and Dan and I uh record this very relaxing show that you could find at bowl dot rest it's just an opportunity to zone out um you can also go to bowl dot rest to

support the show uh and all proceeds from the show will go to half will go to keep the lights on over at seal serialously and the other half will go to uh food pantry in the Huntington West Virginia area so you're helping support two great things and uh I hope you get a lot out of it and I hope I'll help you to relax because I use podcasts a lot to relax uh when my anxiety is at its peak and I hope that this can be the same for you so that's the empty bowl bowl dot rest is where you can find that and uh hope you check it out Justin how many times now have you told people about this and had to clarify like breakfast cereal not like the podcast this is the reason that I don't have cereal in the title Travis so I would not have to repeatedly have that conversation

okay um also real quick I'm doing a Cincinnati Underground Society show here in Cincinnati on the 23rd so this Sunday uh get your tickets for that and also for my upcoming New York Comic Con events uh those are on macroi shows dot com slash tour um tours so check those out um and just in general we add stuff to that tourist page quite often so you know check it on the reg um anything else oh we have the the podcast merch on macroi merch dot com including our generic podcast merch dice and a portion of that goes to benefit uh Huntington West Virginia charity that is working to combat uh drug addiction so check that out at macroi merch dot com I want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the

days to bed uh it's a fantastic album and uh you should you should support john in the long winters by uh by getting it at I don't know a sun coast or whatever but uh also thanks to maximum fun for having us on the network you can go to maximumfund.org check out all the great shows there shows like friendly fire shows like switchblade sisters uh shows like one bad mother and so many more all at maximumfund.org and you can check out all the shit that we do at macroi shows dot com y'all want that final though yeah yes of course I do uh here is the final yahoo it was sent in by Catherine Green thank you Catherine it's by an anonymous yahoo answers user we're gonna call them sharky asks

why is everything at my grandma's house moist my name is Justin McElroy I'm Travis McElroy I'm Griffin McElroy he's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported we've all made mistakes in book club right you drink a little too much you don't actually read the book and if you're under the bubble in fairhaven your individual will get subsumed by the collective hey maybe I just let him go and whip us up some guac we do not require guac we require only nutrients and expansion you will become book club you will eat pray and love with us

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