My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 427: Face 2 Face: Adult Big Green Reptiles

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

We're finally all squared away after our wild month of travel! As things slowly start to calm down, we've prepared for you one more live show -- this time, from Seattle's beautiful Paramount Theater! It was a surely an evening of tossed friendship and scrambled goofs. We'll be back with a regular episode next week!

It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar It's a new craze, hey good girls, do you wanna just say, hey I wanna Just say, hey I wanna Just say, hey I wanna Hi, hi that was John Rodrick And thank you, hey John can you come out for just one second? You don't have to say anything, but I just, Griffin if you could just say it to him in person I wanna say thank you

John Rodrick in the Long Winters for your sort of theme song, it's a departure of you, I'm pretty desperate John flew all the way to Seattle So honored Just to play that song For the folks listening at home Hello everybody and welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy, if we don't do it we'll forget I'm your middle is brother Travis McElroy

I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30, media luminary Griffin McElroy For the folks listening at home, Justin and Travis and I just spent about 30 seconds shredding air guitars next to John as if we were showing him This is the correct way to rock And for those of you at home, we fucking nailed it We were at the Travis and I and our families Our brood Our brood We were invited

We were at the Salish Lodge and Spa in Snoqualmie, Washington We were in the Great Northern in Twin Peaks Obviously that's part of the history of this place, but it's also like very good And you can tell that the people there have this attitude of like, yes, it was into a piece, it also smells nice And is constantly playing spa music It's like a very spa, there's nice things We just want to realize the size is not spooky Yeah, they really go out of their way when you check in they say, here's your keys and no ghosts

Just, no don't worry about it Now notice that key isn't a weird spirit key, it's just a card Now everything that happens beyond the threshold of this building If you see the tree wizard, it's been a long time since I've watched Twin Peaks I wanted to say that they do lean into it in weird ways There was, you know, the coffee that they have like, this is how fucking fancy this place was, pour over Thank you Pour over coffee

Thank you, don't want to take it Or maybe we've just said that to everyone who lives in Seattle and they're like, there's another kind On the bag it said, Twin Peaks coffee Good start Twin Peaks coffee, dark and mysterious And then it said, the beans are not what they seem That's, okay, that's good Twin Peaks already had a coffee thing

That one had a coffee thing, more than, I'm going to drink this, so why don't you tell me what they are They put beans in quotes Beans in quotes The beans, I was like, mmm, I'm going to put this in my body I'm going to put it in my body, are they, they're beans, right? They're beans though, right, you ain't fucking with me It's fun here, but they're beans, aren't they, okay While you all were doing that this morning, I was flying here at a very early time

And I saw an even better thing than the great beautiful majestic waterfall you all saw Which is the dude in front of me pull out the like entertainment screen Like literally throws his bag up overhead, sits down, rips out the entertainment screen It starts frantically searching And he finds Geostorm and he's like, yes, yes, yes, yes Yes, Geostorm, fuck yes, yes, they have it, Geostorm They were funny, it was the star of Geostorm Crazy for Geostorm

That was so funny It was, I just enjoyed it a lot He almost as much as this dude enjoyed Geostorm, which was a great deal I watched over a lady's shoulder, isn't it the best to be able to like see what people are doing I watched over a lady's shoulder and she watched the Mr. Rogers documentary Won't you be my neighbor? Yeah At 4X speed

I want to find out what the hubbub is on this full anchor spin a lot of time I watched a dude watch Rampage And when he got to the point where the big monkey started fighting the big reptiles He started fighting the big wolf fast forwarded Too scary, too scary I get it, I get it Two, like when it was literally all done and the rock was quipping and he was like, play And I was like, wait, hold on, why are you watching this film?

So this is time for their podcast My mom commissioned and paid for a four foot wide artist rendering of a nude portrait of herself Yeah And now it's hanging on the wall in her actual home where she lives I'm about to move back to my hometown so I'll be in geographic proximity to this abomination Is there any way I can get away with destroying it? How can I convince her this is wrong and that's from Annie Annie, are you okay?

Annie, are you here? Okay, hi Annie I want you to know I hadn't thought of it before this moment But it might be the greatest power move I've ever heard in my entire life That like especially if you have someone else open the front door and then your mom's standing underneath it like this Like the Peter Pan pose Yeah Especially if you have Airbnb plans

For your, that's a big move What's that second cousin Deborah I haven't talked to in forever? You want to stay at my home for two weeks rent free? You got it I guess what Travis is trying to say is Annie, why are you so threatened by your incredible powerful sexual mom? Your mom has power and she's owning it Yes Like a great mom should

And is it, let me just ask this and this is rhetorical Annie Because of course this isn't the eye of the beholder but what if it's a good painting? Yeah Have you looked at it a lot to check for brushwork and stuff? Maybe it's a great, great nude painting of your mom You know what, Justin has made a good point because every nude painting of a subject throughout time has been a nude painting of someone's mom And I bet That's not what you just said is fucking nonsense

Makes no sense What you just said was complete, duty, and toilet stuff They can't make it up No, stop for a second, okay, but think Like think about what you're saying Think bud Think about what you're saying bud Think they're nude portraits of Jesus' mom and everyone's okay with it

No, bud Bud, that's not what you said bud Bud, you said every nude portrait is someone's mom bud I said of a subject, I did say of a subject But they thought about it as I was saying Yeah, as a subject What I need to know Is why is your brother a garbage person?

I said it, I was right, I thought about it There is a possibility that this is all okay Because all that we know is that it's a four foot wide portrait, maybe it's just one inch tall Yeah It only catches the belly button Yeah Please enjoy this magic eye painting of my naked mom Cross your eyes appropriately to enjoy

Oh wait, hold on, were you saying it's squished down? No, I'm saying that not every subject in a nude painting is somebody's mom I don't understand why you're so sorry I don't understand why you're so sorry Sure, if you put your nose on this strip of painting You can kinda see, just like wicked tall, but from the side If you stand on the stairs, then the one painting over here and the other one lying up To make a naked picture of my mom

Don't destroy it, it's art here Art, obviously it's art, you should buy it Here's a yahoo that was sent in by, do y'all want a yahoo? This one was sent in by Raimi, thank you Raimi, it's yahoo answers user Jonathan Who has negative five points this week Oh no! He's been a member since They get worse than not answering

He's been a member since July 6th, 2015 He has eight points and he lost five this week Jonathan's having a tough time with his yahoo career Jonathan asks, no dress code funeral? I am going to a funeral on Tuesday and the family have said there is no dress code Wear something that the deceased would have liked I'm a 19 year old male, what shall I wear? This is how I'm gonna go, this is how I'm gonna go

Wear whatever, toss your peanut shells on the floor No rules just right The people working at the funeral home are gonna say shitty things about you Like you're at Dick's last resort, it's gonna be fucking hysterical Like condom hat on you Yeah, I love it If you think about it, you would think that if we were truly respecting the dead That the dress code would be as comfortable as possible

Because if I'm dead, I think I'm the most comfortable and I would like you to match True Now listen, as good as a choice this was for a live show To talk about death extensively, which I'm loving Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm loving it I do want to get back to Griffin's point of there aren't any rules at a funeral And I feel like nobody's gonna know how to act I feel like it might get kind of silly at the funeral

Kind of maybe, the one thing I'm worried about, I'm sure you very guessed it is pranks That's the problem with no dress code is it makes people feel like So is this a prank encouraged environment or they didn't send out any rules about pranks I feel like it kind of left the door open Man, let's bail Let's bail, let's get out of this question No, it's good I do want to read this comment from my favorite Lucy who said

You said the family said where something the deceased would have liked You have told us nothing about the deceased So how the hell are we supposed to know? 19, you sound 8 Whoa! Their friend just died This is actually a much deeper question is who's to judge that the deceased would like Like is it like where something that maybe finally will get like

That's oh that they've got a Ouija board set up No, no, no Yes, yes, love that That's how they decide who gets in I got a bouncer at the door with the Ouija board Here's another question Our neighbor built his kiddo a tree house over the summer It's very nice

It has a spiral staircase, cedar siding, a flat screen TV It's own Wi-Fi network, couches, chairs, and a big nice window That's a house This is a house that a tree got up on A house that does not fear the flood It has a big nice window that looks directly into my nice Small window in my bathroom It looks in at just the right angle

That's it! For what? Here's the question Is this my problem? So far I've treated it as theirs Is a bold stance Healthy is I'm not making eye contact You are an acceptable solution

That's from you looking at me here in road G And the first thing I would say is You can treat it like their problem It's still your butt When someone was designing your house I'm like you're gonna put a window there But then people can see into the bathroom I'm like yeah, but what are the odds?

Shit man I do like the tall windows so we can all dream as we poop I wish I was out there like a bird I can't poop unless I wishfully watch a butterfly go by You know this And I think about what it would be like to be free So where do you want the window? Well, I need to see my wishing star

When I'm sitting My special My one song I gotta be able to pray to the man in the moon, don't I? Yo, this is bad It's bad One thing is curtains For them or for you?

You were there first, don't listen to him It's again, it's your butt You have everything to lose It's just their eyes And it's your butt And it could be an attack Like it's not good for you to have your butt If they see, that's curtains

That's metaphorically speaking It's your butt is on the line They have nothing to lose You have to put up curtains Can you And wait for me to finish before you like chide me Chainsaw Go to the tree

Let me fucking finish You cut it across Maybe in like the midsection of the tree And then you go a few feet down And you make another clean cut Karate kick that section you've just cut out The tree falls down again Breaks the sight line to your toilet zone

I'm okay with the tree dying after that actually Are you okay with the neighbor dying? No, absolutely not But then it would just become a shed at that point, right? If tree house, no, no, no, tree house fall down Become shed But it doesn't fall down like cuckoo cuckoo Okay

Tree house fall down like a Donkey Kong Become shed Tree house and shed You could tell the neighbor if you don't get some curtains I'm gonna spin kick that goddamn house at that tree And the thing is nobody knows how hard anybody else can spin kick They don't know if it's a hollow thread or not You could be one of the rare people that can fly off your roof

Jump off your roof, spin kick the house on the tree I've never seen him spin kick before, he might He might be able to, I don't know how hard he can spin kick He ran a half marathon last year, I don't know Came in 29th I have a yahoo here that was sent in by Merritt Palmer Thank you, Merritt Thank you, Merritt

It's yahoo answers user Catley who asks What happens when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles become adults? Are they just mutant Ninja Turtles? You always hear about the last three words in the title Is there anything about their whole shit that would change If they, I don't think of them as being between the ages of 13 and 19 They're gigantic muscular green monsters And is it in turtle years?

Who even knows at that point? They're two? Or they might be 200 because tortoises go forever This is the argument that I would make Once they are at a point along their lifespan Where they are no longer comfortable being called Teenage Well for one, they may love it I know that I would love if someone must look me for a teenager

When I get carded? Yeah, so flattering But they may not necessarily like any of it Like, they may not want to be mutants or ninjas I'm obviously not a turtle How about this? How about instead of mutant Ninja Turtle How about Donatello?

How about there's only four of us We're all named after painters Fuck, just learn our names and say like Raphael, you are cool but rude That's easy to remember And he would say, yeah I have a lot to work on Yeah, I have been talking to somebody Yeah, it's my struggle

Pizza, are you kidding me with my acid reflux? No thanks You know what, I wish people would pour down the sewers More is bisque Drop that down in the sewer, yes Shredder in the foot clan or terrorizing the city? Call the police It's past nine o'clock

It's after nine o'clock Are you kidding me? Survivor's back What? Survivor is back by the way Tonight, catch it I tell you what I feel bad for is the group that sings the theme song Because you know, it'll take them a bit

There'll be a lot of like Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutant Ninja Turtles Damn it, Ryan! I just know the old way, so I'm good Look at their place, two syllables, they need two syllables I mean adult but that's not good People who are doing their best

People who are doing their best They are those people Turtle power, fuck That still is good Do you think that the name built as they got older Or that it was aspirational That Splinter found them and said Someday you'll be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

What about after that? Let's listen Three of you Survivor's are terrible And you fight a guy that's made of swords Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? You should be Honestly, you were raised to this point by a rat

You should be pretty fucking gized about getting to Teenage Your dad's a rat, okay? Hey, hold on a second Why do they wear masks? Who's gonna be like Who are those anonymous crusaders? I saw them at the market just the other day No, couldn't be them

I'm friends with four human turtles that have ninja skills But they can't be you Not without the mask You're in a suit You can't be the brave crusaders Here you are applying for a loan Couldn't be you Nice to pick you up

The lift app says Donatello Wait, you're almost ready Your ninja training is complete First, my students, I have to hide your identity The jig is up at this point The ship has sailed I had a Bigfoot encounter in high school The problem is, now that I'm 30

I've noticed people start to get weird when I talk about it Even when they brought up Bigfoot And how they believe in him This happens a lot at the office Is there any way not to sound crazy when talking about my BFE Or should I retire this story? That's from encountered in East Lewis County Are you here?

Bigfoot here? I thought it was worth checking Does the conversation go like this? Over here people talking at work Yeah, Bigfoot, I saw him cross five cars And you're like, yeah, I saw Bigfoot too I walked around with him and gave him some beef jerky And he got real mad

Wait, hold on, huh? You didn't mean the monster truck did you? Okay, I'm sorry They, listen I hate to be the one to break this to you But they tricked you into telling your Bigfoot They pretended to believe in Bigfoot So you would tell your Bigfoot story

You got catfished, yep, Bigfushed It happens But they tricked you into telling your story Which I'm sorry, but that's what happened Is it possible that when you started telling your story You're like, yeah, I met him I met Bigfoot, August 12th, 2001 And they were like, no way

I was with Bigfoot, August 12th, 2001 And you were not there Is there more than one Bigfoot? Yeah Alright, that's a consensus Well, there's only one Bigfoot There are many Sasquatches There aren't

And this, I think, is the heart of the problem I don't think I don't think, maybe It's not because you used to be a teen And it was adorable It's that When you were telling the story before It was the odds, and everything was fucking chill

And everybody was like, yeah, man, Obama's president Maybe there's Bigfoots, I don't know, anyway That's so funny, that's kooky Now it's 2018, and somebody's like, hey, there are Bigfoots I feel like I have to be like, no, there aren't There aren't Bigfoots, stop it You're embarrassing yourself, stop Comfort breeds whimsy

Comfort breeds whimsy, I can't hide it You can say it, stop it There aren't, move on, next thing We're dealing with Bigfoot hook right now We're in, yes, 1990, early 2000 We were young Peter But now we've gone on to be a lawyer And we've forgotten what it is to believe

And now we can't accept there's a Bigfoot Because that means dreams come true And as we all know, they do not So we need We need Bigfoot Bigfoot to come, kick in the door of our British grandma's house Yes Where we are staying with our wife and children

And there's a strange thing going on there And then the Bigfoot just beats the shit out of us Uh-huh It's been a while since I've seen hook, but yes He beats the shit out of us, and then he takes my glasses off And he's like, there you are, Griffin He squishes my face for like 10 minutes Yep

Do you know how he does? Do you remember how he does it? Do you want to do another yahoo or should I do a question? I can do a yahoo, this feels like a trap Is it a trap? Okay This is a yahoo that was sent in by Tim Hall Thank you, Tim

Oh no It's yahoo answers user Angela Who asks If I get to the subject of the yahoo You're not allowed to jump in with one of your bits I wouldn't jump in with any bits Okay Angela asks

Why are human babies more foolish than most other animal babies? Other animal babies like kittens, pups, etc Can survive even if they're orphaned or injured But human babies are sure to die if they get no help Why is that so when humans are actually more intelligent? Parentheses have the sixth sense than other animals But Hold on

My baby does have a bit of the telekinesis A baby wolf is still going at him up This baby? Yes that baby The baby wolf Not even a contact The baby wolf or a court case The baby wolf

Baby wolf ate my psychic baby How come my human baby is so weak compared to the powerful horse baby? What? Giraffe, land on feet, walk walk walk Yeah Baby Take like two years It takes like a long long long time

I will also say I like that they use the word foolish in the subject line Yes I don't feel that's what they're going for Not accurate You know how babies are so foolish and can be eaten by a wolf? Yeah, babies are always wild and out You know those trickster babies who can't fend for themselves Always getting silly

Do you guys remember when the baby hippo Fiona was born? Yes I remember it vividly sir And we all thought as a nation That thing could really kick my baby's ass If there were ten human babies versus one baby hippo Fiona A hundred, how many would it take? One brave baby

That's why I've been training baby accordingly Every day I show her picture of Fiona and go, not today You don't know that the animal would eat the baby Like, I think that all animals would If I've learned anything from books is that the animal would raise the baby Yes A hundred percent of the time A hundred percent of the time while the animal finds free baby

It's A sick free baby Well, I'm not going to waste this Eventually he'll be able to explain to other humans to not colonize my land Or whatever it is animals do in Tarzan books Or happy feet Happy feet, whatever One exception if I can jump in

Do you remember the good joke that's like I didn't go like my baby Do you remember him? Yeah, that was a scam Because the dingo raised the baby To adulthood But then was embarrassed that he hadn't brought the baby back He realized

He realized that he should have And then later Meryl Streep was like At Starbucks and the person was like Anyway, do you want a drink? Woof, woof, woof And she was like, you look like exactly like my baby's son And the guy was like, no, I was raised by dingo's actually It's like, it's pretty chill

So what you're saying is there's a circumstance in which someone came to where the baby had been And there were dingo's there And they were like, hey, have you seen a baby? And they were like, no? Dingo ate your baby Yeah, one of the dingo's ate the baby And then the baby dingo's like, indeed Yeah, they totally did

They did, check out my whiskers anyway Wait, how old is this baby? He's 17 years old Always be my baby Yeah, dingo ate your baby or whatever They let me watch MTV Yeah, I get to have dingo mom Let's me have fruit roll-ups basically whatever I want

So I'm just gonna stay with dingo mom I haven't had to go to Driver's Ed in a while now I did not think that dumb dingo ate your baby Reference was gonna give us so much material One could argue it didn't Ha ha ha So you're gonna have any more yahoo's? Let him have this

Start another yahoo girl Say anything I've got a yahoo here that was sent in by Woo! What? I want a bench I want too much. This is Munch Squad, it's a podcast with a podcast.

About the latest and greatest in fast food interventions. You guys know Dunkin Donuts? No more. Sorry, they're closing all the Dunkin Donuts. No, just kidding. Are you for real? Nah, bud. They're changing the name of it.

And this is not when IHOP was like, we're IHOP, and everybody was like, fuck off. Can we brief diversion? That was real, right? And everybody was like, hey, that's really bad. And they were like, yeah. Can you imagine? J.K. Simmons, no.

Can I also just say, I also like the way that you started it, because it made me think, what if there was like a fast food agent who's like, you know what, we're done. Oh, are you going bankrupt? Now we're doing great, but you know what? You don't deserve us. I was going to say, we've done everything we could think of. Yeah, creative.

We can't think of any other weird donuts. Nah, this is Dunkin Donuts is no more. Welcome to stage, not to this stage or the world stage. Dunkin. All brands are so bad. Do y'all have Dunkin here? See, you don't have a fucking horse in this race. You don't give a shit.

Man, I wish I had a tiny piece of paper that I could just write down what I think their explanation for the thing is, seal it in an envelope, and then open it back up when you're done reading. In recognition, OK, so America runs on Dunkin. That's the tagline. And with customers around the world naturally and affectionately referring to the brand as Dunkin.

In recognition of this relationship, as one of the many steps to transform itself into the premier beverage lead on the go brand, the company today unveiled its new branding at its global franchisee convention. I bet that's a fucking party that officially recognizes its name as simply Dunkin. So when it says beverage lead, is that bullshit?

The cups just say DNKN on them now. It's like a fucking social network. In case the coffee is so delicious that you want to buy their stocks. Somebody probably does buy the stock of Dunkin donuts. The brand tested the new logo extensively, including on exterior signage at Dunkin locations, featuring this next generation design

concept of the past year. So let's check in with. I've never heard you so defeated by a munch squad before. Let's chuck in with Dunkin brand CEO and Dunkin US president, David Hoffman. Hi, I'm David Hoffman and I'm the president of Dunkin. Damn, that is a good title, though. I bet this was his call, right?

I'm so good on the court. I want to be. Yeah, I want to be the officially recognized as the president of Dunkin, not Dunkin. Dunkin, our new branding is one of the many things we're doing as part of our blueprint for growth to modernize. You shrink it. You shrink the name to modernize the Dunkin experience

for our customers from our next generation restaurants to our menu innovation on the go order and value offerings all delivered at the speed of Dunkin. I don't know what that means. We are we believe this is good. We believe our efforts to transform Dunkin while still embracing our incredible heritage. Hey, you know when they stop, what do you think that means?

When they discovered the Dead Sea donuts. Remember our proud heritage of selling dough to people after we fried it? Do you remember? Do you remember when we found that Dunkin donuts in a gas station last January and it was still called Dunkin doughnuts? What a proud heritage that was.

Do you think the CEO of the Yoyo Company does this reading this going well? Hold on. Hey, hold on. Aren't we still Dunkin? Are we Dunkin? We're Dunkin. Are we Dunkin?

Fuck. So they've, oh my god, this story, they are doing so much apologizing for this. Like they know how bad it is. There's literally a segment on here of this like very long story, probably the longest I've ever seen on QSR. Dunkin to remain sweet. It's a quick search for the publication for sure.

Sure, sure, sure. Dunkin to remain sweet on doughnuts, although the word doughnuts will no longer appear in the logo or branding. Donuts will remain a significant focus of the brand as the number one retailer of doughnuts in America, selling more than 2.9 billion doughnuts, along with local favorites. So guess know they'll be able to find the top selling doughnuts

and fund seasonal varieties no matter which Dunkin location they visit. So here's what I see what they're going with sort of, where they want to sell other things. So they want to change the name and they want to expand the brand. I think it's weird that they're like, what's the best way to sum up what we do?

It's kind of like the number one thing, more or so than doughnuts, is we want to keep the proud tradition of taking one thing and putting it in a liquid. The one thing that we want people to know they're going to come in here and do is take a solid thing and put it in a wet thing and then consume the result of that action. That is still a big part of our heritage and our brand.

Sure. Also Dunkin, and that still sucks to say it like that. And the fact that I'm going to have to do it for the rest of my life bones me out in a huge way. You can't say, but we still love doughnuts, though, when you've just struck doughnuts from your name. When you like erased the fact that you ever made doughnuts in your entire life.

If the old spaghetti factory was like, we're just the old factory now, but our spaghetti is still good. But we still love spaghetti, it's crazy about this stuff. I just like this idea of like somewhere like the CEO who was like, well, we're number one in doughnuts. So we beat that. We beat that.

Now what we haven't beaten is the moistening of dry things. Oh, you cards. Boy, howdy. That was a lot of fun. Hey, baby, I hear the blues a call and a salad and scrambled eggs. We didn't do. Hey, we didn't do that at all during the show.

And I just edited it. And I felt like such a piece of shit because we didn't do. And everybody needs that joke at a Seattle live show. And we didn't fucking give it to them. And so they all left, you know, with blue, blue balls. Quite stylish. Quite stylish. So our first sponsor is Casper.

Casper is wonderful. They make quality mattresses. Hey, baby, I hear the sleeper calling, a salad and scrambled sheets. Yeah, there's a sleep brand that continues to revolutionize its line of products to create an exceptionally comfortable sleep experience one night at a time. They are really great mattresses.

We have one on our guest room that I've slept on a couple times every time we have guests in town, they sleep over. And we always get just rave reviews. Their mattresses combine multiple supportive memory phones for a quality sleep surface with the right amount of sink and the right amount of bounce. And you can be sure of their purchase, your purchase, rather, with a 100 night risk free sleep on it trial.

So get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com slash my brother. Use the promo code my brother. Check out terms and conditions apply. Our next sponsor this week is Wink. Hey, baby, I hear the booze are calling. Toss bottles and scrambled grapes. OK.

Wine is basically scrambled grapes. Oh, Griffin, you're done. Gave it away. It's wine, folks. This is a wine one that we're talking about Wink. You tell Wink what you like and the kind of flavors you enjoy. You don't have to pick out varieties of wine or specific orchards.

Wink will just take your choices, your flavor preferences, and they're going to create a great box of wine, not box wine, but a box of wines just for you. I think you're really going to enjoy it. And it's all from Wink, W-I-N-C. Each month there are new delicious wines. There's a really popular summer water rose which, of course, is red and white wines mixed together

in one bottle. There are no membership fees. And if you don't like a bottle, they send you. They'll replace it. No questions asked. Discover great wine today. Go to trywink.com slash my brother. Or you can also go to trystink.com.

It redirects to there. Boy, I can't believe we're still pushing that, huh? You get $20 off your first shipment. That's T-R-Y-W-I-N-C.com slash my brother. For $20 off, that's trywink.com slash my brother. Got a jumbo tron here. This one's for Shane from Caitlyn, who says, to Shane, happiest of birthdays to the love of my life

and the sunshine of my everyday. I can't wait for all the things 24 will hold for you. Man, I heard the new season's gonna be so tight. Jack's back. And this time, he's got three guns. Here's to the first of a lifetime of birthdays together, because you're the plan. I love you, your cute face, and your cute butt.

That is all. Namaste. P.S., we're dogs now, and I can't stress that enough. Bow wow for now. I don't even want to say when they wanted this birthday message, but we fucked up. But don't focus on that. Focus on the really good 24-bit that was in there,

because Jack's back. That's what people are going to leave and talk about. Yeah, it's Jack's back. Jack's back, baby. Jack's back, baby, on this one. I got a message for Lovebug, and it's from Sweet. It says, hey, Lovebug, it's sweet. I wanted to say that I love you.

You're so dang cute. And I can't wait to see you again. I hope this sweet message read by some of our favorite brother just brings a smile to your face next to be able to. That is very cute and beautiful. But I am now obsessed with the idea that across the nation, hundreds, perhaps thousands of lovers just looked at their partner and said, oh, yeah, that was me.

That was me for you. That one for you. That is for you. I also love how it says some of our favorite brothers reflecting the fact Travis is not here because of the parachute accident. I miss Travis so much. And folks, please, don't try to eat an entire parachute.

It's bad for you. It's bad for your body, your human body. I can't wait to get back to this fucking show. Yeah, for sure. Before that, though, thank you to everybody who came out to our shows in the Pacific Northwest. It was super, super fun. We had a really, really good time on tour this time.

And hey, baby, I hear the fans of Colin toss tickets. Let me try again. Oh, yeah. Hey, baby, I hear the fans of Colin toss tickets and scrambled bits because we do different bits. Yeah, we do. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorn, and justice is within your reach. My mom refuses to take my phone calls.

My boyfriend says I should take our cats with me to graduate school, but I think he should keep them. In the court of Judge John Hodgman, justice rules. My partner's board game collection is out of control. My sister won't stop stealing my clothes. I'm Judge John Hodgman. I'm tough, but fair. I'll bring you justice, and I'm only a click away.

Tipping, automotive etiquette, siblings, roommates. If you've got a case, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Judge John Hodgman is tough, but fair. Subscribe to the podcast today. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. I want to do a yahoo, it's sent in by everyone, and it's not like, if Sears say I got this from like 30 different people,

I don't know that it's going to be the richest like conversation vein for me, but it has 82 answers, which is by far the most I've ever seen on a yahoo before. I want to explore some of them. Thank you for sending this in. It's an anonymous yahoo user. I'm going to call them. Duncan asks.

Duncan asks, how are you able to be on yahoo every morning and not work for a living? Now, that is, of course, that's an email that Griffin gets daily. It took me a bit to decipher this question, whether it was saying this website is so delectable. I sit down at my desk at work, booted up on my computer. Oh no, it's five o'clock. I've been on yahoo all day looking at all my great friends

telling great answers to each other. But the other side of this is like, how can you be on yahoo and not be inspired to have a job? I think, or how do you all have time? Must be because you're unemployed. Any of them are bad. Yeah. Let's start digging in.

An anonymous yahoo user top answer says, because poking fun at this shit show of a liberal circle jerk is my job. I'm Damien Yahoo. Jake McClake says, not every morning, but many. I'm on sick leave because of an operation and blood clots. Retired old Sarge. Retired old Sarge says, because I was military for almost 33 years and I was smart enough to start my own business

and hire people who I can trust to be there and take care of it for me. What? I built a successful small business where I could hire trustworthy people so I could be on this fucking tasty website. Back in 1970, I started my own business because I knew one day I'd want to be on yahoo all the time.

Can we go back to the person who said this is their job? Because how far does that get to you? I'm like, that was Griffin. Oh, yeah, that is Griffin. Yahoo answers B says, OK, yahoo police. He's doing it. This person is your boss. Like, this person's not trying to narc on you.

They're just making conversations. Yahoo answers user E says, it's not the morning everywhere. Time zones, bruh. What? I only get on this website at 3 PM. Jeffrey says, I'm happily retired. And there's Jeffrey's picture, so like, you know he's legit. Y'all can't enjoy that, but it's good.

A lot of people are retired. I broke a few bones, got shot a few times, just a few bad days at my office, and I do it again. Also, my bit, I love this one, too, because there are people who don't understand, like, you can post something and then see it hours later. Someone responded, news flash, it's the afternoon. EIEIO says, I am largely retired,

except for some board of directors work in investment management. No, it's not true. What that was was a lie you said. Oh, this is a good one. What is that? Lots of people on here still work. Justin Time says, I run heavy equipment, go to work at 7 AM.

Yeah, that's what they said. I don't even comprehend this question. All right, we're running short on time, we should do the audience questions. Yes, we have audience questions. The way we do this now, please, don't move a muscle. There are asps everywhere. Under each of your seat is one discrete asp.

Some of them are lazier than others. We have some submissions that people sent in, we got some just sort of one sentence briefings. We're going to call out names and seat numbers and then you're going to come up to these microphones. Can we get house lights turned up, please? I don't know who I'm looking at. Paul, please, yeah.

Can we turn boy lights down a little bit? Hey, what's up? Over there. Hey, what's your name? Sam. Hi, Sam. I use they, them pronouns. Thank you so much.

And my question is, well, so on the way here to get to my car, I walked through a giant spiderweb. Not for the first time. Were you home right now? I was trying to do a fucking no doubt joke, but it didn't come to me in time. I apologize. Can we get the audience mic turned up a little bit

so we can hear Sam better? Thank you. Sorry. Oh, no, so to get into my car, my car is often like surrounded by spiderwebs, and usually I'm pretty good. But sometimes. Can we break down that too?

Yeah. Just hold on. Hold on. Why? Why? And what are you good at? Are you in the forbidden forest? Is there like an incommiserate amount of spiderwebs

compared with like other cars near your car? Or do you just only work one day every 1,000 years? Anyway, I disappear like Brigadon, and um. No, it's like a parking spot and a sign spot, and like there's like a pole next to it, so spiders will like just drive their side door. They'll strip on it. Is it a sign?

It's gross. Is it an assigned parking? Yes, I cannot escape. I've tried. So today, to get here after work, I went to my car and walked right into the biggest one I've ever seen. And people started laughing, because apparently a family had been like watching from their apartment,

and I heard one of them say, she walked right into it. And so. Wow. So I'm just wondering, like, can I pull it off somehow, or is there something I can do to mitigate everything about that? Maybe just like, um, um, um. Yeah, like cotton candy.

That's where my mind immediately went. To eating it? To eating the web? To make it look like this is where I left my cotton candy yesterday, and I'm just picking it up. That's good. No matter what move you do to, like, to react to the web, if you come up snapping, it's going to look very like you

were starting a dance in a bad way, but then you're, like, back with it, you know? Maybe as you run into the spider web, you just loudly announce, I'm helping him move. Yeah. Come with me. What I did is I backed up, and I looked at the spider, and I said, oh, sorry.

And that was really nice. Right. Did, do you have an ongoing relationship with this spider? It's hard to say. They all look alike. Do they, do they, whoa, hey. Whoa, Sam. Whoa, Sam.

Whoa. Does the spider ever leave messages, like, some Jetta? Stupid. You could start carrying devil sticks with you to your car, and then before you get in, just give it a quick, like, and that'll usually clear it out, and you look super fucking cool doing it. So cool.

So cool. That's, like, nine really good suggestions. Does that help? Yes. Does that help? Thank you so much, Sam. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Hi, I'm Jessica. Hi, Jessica. Hi, Jessica. This is my question. Sure. Oh, I like that, Jim, to lead in. In case you didn't know.

So I know that some or all of you have had GI issues, and my question's related to that. Not me. So my husband seems to be developing a problem with dairy. He loves pizza, and it destroys him. Sure. We have a two-year-old, and when I come home with a two-year-old, and I say, go find Daddy, the first place she looks is the bathroom.

Kids do the most hurtful things. Kids do the truest things. To avoid any possible future embarrassments, what can I do to pizza, to make my husband, pizza lover, never want it again? Oh. Okay, one, wait, hold on, sorry, most and more question. Is your husband here? Maybe.

I saw a hand go up. I appreciate you wanting to give him agency and putting himself on blast to that moment. That was very kind of you. Before you said maybe I watch hand go, like a super excited, like, that's me, I'm pizza mistake person. Jessica, I gave him fair warning. Okay. I guess I was kind of hoping your question would end with, so what are some great fun

time-tested dairy-free recipes for pizza? Your question was, how do I ruin pizza? Which is, I guess, another approach to it. And also you did phrase it, not like, how do I ruin a pizza I make for my husband, but rather, how do I ruin the concept of pizza? Do you ever see a, hey, y'all ever seen that video? It's a new segment on the BNB. Hey, y'all see that video?

And it's like a security camera, and it's the pizza delivery person, the pizza falls out of the box, and you really quickly scoop it back up and put it in the box to give it. What if we opened a chain of pizza restaurants that did that 100% of the time? And it was specifically catered to people whose partners had lactose intolerance for some sort of GI issue, but still loved the pizza, but they won't after they see what we do to it. There have to be pizzas without cheese on it, right? You gotta be able to make a pizza without cheese.

I mean, Diachee's is legit, but that's not funny. Alright. There's so many options, but you want to hurt pizza, and so that's where we are. Have you? Oh, yay. Gotta eat it all in front of your husband, sorry, go on. Pizza the hut, space ball. Too scary.

It's very disgusting, made of pizza, a man of pizza, no thank you, I can't eat pizza again, I hate it. And he'll order out for you, which I still don't know what that means. Was that kind of a fun space balls? Yeah, reference. It seemed like it went over super good. And now we know next time you want to make a space balls reference to put it right back in your pocket, it's good, we have to trot those out, because I didn't know when I was

curious. Yeah, I had 18 throughout the course of this episode, and I thought I didn't know. And then you tested the waters, and I appreciate that. You can't, I just got to know you that well, you're not powerful enough to ruin pizza. None of us are, I'm not, they're not, none of us are. But maybe if we all work together, everybody clap your hands to kill pizza forever. I mean, hey, y'all, why are you clapping? It's forever.

We don't have much left. This, a rat got famous for dragging it, and that fucking afternoon, all of America was still like, I'll have a pizza. I'll have one pizza. I'll have what the rats having. For sure. And you know what, I'm willing to bet sales went up. Jacked through the roof.

That rat made people hungry for pizza, but you're going to destroy pizza. Doubt it. Some mutant Ninja Turtles made pizza cool. Hey, Paul, can we get some pizza out of here or what? Yeah, I know. I'm dying for it. Does that help? Probably not.

Because we went pretty aggro on you. No, but thank you. Thank you. And then let's get one more lined up. CJ Mezzanine 34 row X seat nine. And jazz, jazz, hello, jazz. Hello. How's it going?

It's going. It's going alright. I'm having a good time. Go good. Glad you're here. What's up? This is a question about my great-grandmother Dolores. Awesome.

Okay. Oh, thank you for clarifying. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And her relationship with Ryan Stiles. Okay. It's not sexual. Oh, shit.

With A, Ryan Stiles, or with whose line is it anyways, Ryan Stiles? All funny one. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So they both live up in Bellingham. And she used to be Ryan Stiles' neighbor. And we used to go over on 4th of July, he would go whole hog.

You buy a whole pig and roast it right there. I was about to say, ooh, I bet she has some stories, but it sounds like she actually has some pretty good Ryan Stiles stories. And just one year we stopped going. And I asked Grandma and she was like, well, me and Ryan kind of had a falling out. Oh, no. But tell me everything. That's the thing is she kind of refuses to go into it.

Like, I think it was really bad. But it's her fault. It's probably her fault. Because I have to say, if it was Ryan's fault, she'd tell you. Yeah. You gotta force her. Hey, Dolores, guess whose line it is? It's yours.

Hey, Dolores, I got a question for you. Whose lie is it anyway? Interesting. One more. What? One more. Okay. Grandma, you've made a call in mockery out of your relationship with Ryan Stiles.

This is so good. What a talent. It's an honor to share the stage. Thank you. Thank you. You're going? Thank you. I'm done drew carrying the show.

I'm going to pass it back to my brothers. Yeah, for sure. Sorry, you just yelled where it proofs at me. Okay. Sorry, Jess. So give me literally all details available about your grandma's relationship with Ryan Stiles. Go.

How close were they before? How close are they now? And what happened as far as you can piece together? She was a lot closer with Ryan's wife, Pat. Okay. Damn, Pat Stiles is a good name, though. Oh, shit. He's a good Pat Stiles.

Pat Stiles is so much better than Ryan Stiles. Pat Stiles is dope as hell anyway. But she's, you know, she's 91. Right. She's kind of a party animal. Like every time I'm up there, she's always got the crown royal out. Like hell yeah. The grandma.

She's good. She's choice. And she's here tonight. It just feels like Ryan, it's not Ryan's fault. But I also feel like by the time you hit 91, can you really hold a grudge against a 91-year-old? I'm confused as to how this beef came about. I kind of feel like she just got pretty salty that he didn't like invite her to a party or something.

Because that sounds like something. Really a small slight. Yeah. Yeah. But like he'll still run into her like in Bellingham and be like, do we can't keep meeting like this? All right. Hold up. Hold up.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Have we gotten into fan fiction territory? No.

It was her birthday in August and I like brought it up again just to see like if she could tell me anything else about it. And she was like, I'm still mad at Ryan Stiles. Okay. By the way, wait, this is just one thought. Do you have a twin that Ryan Stiles is the grandmother of? Because maybe you two could switch places. Oh.

And then they would have to get back together kind of with that. Is that? Do you? I'm an only child. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't actually know in that movie until she found out.

Nothing we say is legally binding. Oh, don't say what you're about to say, bud. You need to put Ryan Stiles in a life-threatening situation where your grandma. Does that help, Jazz? Has to rescue him. Hold on. You can't let Travis go on. Then your grandma rescues Ryan Stiles and their friends again.

Okay. Thank you. So much. So much. Thank you, Jess. RJ. Hey, what's up? Thank you for buying a poster, RJ.

If you'd like one of your very own, if you got great taste like RJ, you can pick them up out in the lobby. Let's see the posters. Who's got posters? Ah, thank you. That is not enough of you. Everybody needs them. It should look like a snow bank out there.

We're on the posters. Bye, too. What is your question? That was so fucking gross. What just happened on the stage? I just want everybody to buy a poster. Nice posters. Hey, what's up?

So somebody from my college got signed by a British hockey team. And in their press release, they're like, hey, we don't have a lot of money. If you buy the jersey for us, we'll give it to you at the end of the season. I was like, yeah, sure. After it got stinked on? I mean, I hope they clean it. I think they have washers in England. Okay.

They have a fun name for it, though. Clashers. Clothes like clothing Lou. Or scrub-a-dumbers. All right, sorry. But then they email me back and say, all right, so what do you want on the jersey? And I don't have a business or anything that I can advertise. Even if you did.

Even if you did. Come to my Seattle-based haberdashery. Or what if I just sat on the front RJs? Ooh. Yeah. I'm assuming you're asking us what to put on the fucking jerseys. Okay. Or just said mine.

Ooh. That's definitely a joke from Talladega Nights. So we're getting somewhere. It works for them. What about basketball? Whatever you did. I mean, what would you do if you saw a hockey jersey and said basketball? Oh, referee.

That's really good. Black and white pinstripes like a referee for hockey wears. And then you can blend in stealth. Make it like ice colored and the pants too. They'll never see you coming, which is probably extremely bad for hockey. Duncan is good. Duncan's good. For sure.

This is one that's just fun for the announcers. Each one has a different player's last name on the front. So it's like, if it's like, I don't know, Stevens, it says Johnson on the front. I love that. Johnson. Wait, no. Fuck. No, wait.

Johnson has Stevens. Shit. Hold on. Hey, how about a bunch of like bubble wrap? Because it's dangerous. RJ, do you have any favorite Bible verses? I had something I wanted to ask you to talk about why I try to come up with an answer for your question.

So get chat about it. Do you have any gut feeling? Like what are you actually going to do when you ignore all the bullshit? What did you actually do two weeks ago? I was thinking of just putting my Twitter handle for like the internet cloud. Fuck, that's so much better. Way better than any of us. But in your defense, you had way longer to think about it than we did.

Ew, okay. I'll top that, your PayPal link. And maybe on the bottom it says like, this is the mistake. And they're like, no, it wasn't $5. Is that help? Cool. Cool. Thanks.

Just happy to be here. That's RJ. That was an easy one. Hello. CJ? Yes, CJ. Fantastic. Hi.

Hey. So my grandparents have a big ranch. A lot of grandparent based queries this episode. I know. I was worried about grandparent, CJ, RJ. Yeah, I know. Sorry. Yes.

So they have big ranch and the county has told them that they're just going to build a road through the middle of it. Eminent. Yeah. That's bad. I mean, we're not leaving here tonight until we fix it. Sit in. Everybody, chain yourselves to your seats.

We do need to leave though because we have another show to watch. We will, yeah, we'll be headed out after the show, but you all hang in there. And you're the real heroes. We're here with you in spirit. Sorry. Well, the consolation prize is that they get to name the road. Oh, okay. And my grandparents have asked me and my brother and sister, what should we name our road?

Because their only idea was Rabbit Road because they own rabbits. That's fine. What about Route 66? That's fine. That's good. Fuck this local government Boulevard. I don't know if they'll let you say fuck on a street sign though. Why not?

Why not? Do you have any favorite Bible verses? There is another road down the street that is named Matthew's some number, I don't know. So it's like already been taken by someone else. What if the... Wait. What if it... Wait.

Are you fucking with me right now? Are you telling me that I am suggesting Bible verse and you're like, no, the people next door actually did Bible verse. So... Montana has very lax laws about what you can name roads. Okay, okay. So maybe fuck the local government Boulevard. That means it's not bad. What about Stop Road?

Oh shit. Or a 90 mile an hour road can be super fun. Street Road Avenue. How do your grandparents feel about mojis? My grandpa loves emojis and he is very active on Snapchat. Oh, what just... Get that handle out. Let's everybody follow your grandpa tonight.

Yeah, I'm gonna need actually that grandpa's handle. Let me get that... Hey, give me that grandpa handle real quick. Just into the microphone is fine. Yes, pull out your phone. Look at it. I saw you. Yes.

Take the time. Everybody else? I don't know how to access Snapchat, but we're all gonna follow this grandpa tonight. Get your phones out. Get your phones out, follow this grandpa. Definitely make it as Snapchat handles Avenue is extremely good. All right, so to give a little bit of context for this...

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I am trusting you to use your best judgment as the one that you should go sit down right now. I actually am not his friend on Snapchat because I don't want to know what he does. You should go sit. Thank you. Thank you so much, CJ. We have to protect you and ourselves and maybe your grandpa from this... And maybe the US.

Yes. Does that help? A little bit. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right. Hey, everybody. All right, folks, that's gonna do it for our show.

We'll be... Return the old House Sites. Bring that House Sites. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much to the Paramount for having us. Yes, this theater is absolutely incredible.

Thank you, Paramount. Thank you to John Roderick again. That was so fucking cool. We have been fans of his music for so long, and it's so cool that not only do we get to know him, but that he has played for two of our shows. That was the fucking coolest shit. Unimaginably cool. Thanks to our daddy for helping us.

Thank you to Sawbones. Go pre-order the Sawbones book right now. How can people pre-order the Sawbones book? bit.ly4 slash the Sawbones book. I have a copy. It's fantastic, and I hate books. Thank you to Seattle, I believe it's called, for having us. Thank you to our various family members.

Without him, we would not be able to be here tonight. Yes. They are backstage, or they are at a home. Thank you, Max Fun. Maxfunfun.org. Yes, thank you, Max Fun. We will be... Thank you to Paul.

Thank you to Paul. Paul. Paul. We are not going to be hanging out after the show because I've been up for a really ridiculous amount of time. Five a.m. for me, kids. Time zones are no joke. Daughters don't belong.

Well, we will be here tomorrow for Taz. And I hope to the folks who got to take us to that can have a good time. There are the posters out in the lobby. Posters are in the lobby. Yes, okay, fun. Sarah Grayley designed those. Thank you, Sarah.

They are beautiful posters. Here is the final yahoo is sent in by Jack Bannon. Thank you, Jack. It's yahoo answers user Theo, who asks. I accidentally ate the do not eat packet inside my shoe box. Am I gonna die? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, making sure to have square on the lips. Maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported is there a dog in a car at a bar on the street. I'm a leg wringo, a small dog owner. My dog pistachio howls when she's excited and I'm ready culvert a big dog owner. My dog tugboat tips over when he's sleepy and we co-host a podcast called can I pet

your dog that airs every Tuesday we bring you all things dog yes dog news dog tech dogs we met this week we also have pretty famous guests on but legs we're not gonna let them talk about their projects no just want to hear about those dogs we don't want to hear about your stuff only your dogs so join us every Tuesday on max fun