My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 430: Scare's Swamp Thing A-boo-t Scary

Episode Date: October 24, 2018

This is our Halloween episode, I guess? Travis kind of forced our hand a little bit, and we didn't realize that we will, in fact, have another episode up before Halloween. Basically, this whole episode is an accident. Enjoy! Suggested talking points: An Extremely Spooky Intro, Haunted House Guidance, Ghost Cement, Bone Drone, A Very Sexual Spirit, Creamed Corn Surprise, Halloween Shave, Scare Training, Secret Hogwarts, Crunchy Skeleton

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Can't do the Tim Curry thing. Can't do that. Why not? I think you've done it more than once, so why break tradition now? That's a good point. I mean, I'm saying you've already done it more than once, but I can't do it three times. Maybe just skip the intro, because the intro always goes a little

bit long, and just get into the meat of the tune. Here we go. In media res, Tim Curry. Wow, I can't believe I sang the whole thing. Yeah. That's amazing. My brother, my brother, and Mermin? There's nothing spooky about the name. My brother of Frankenstein, Frankenstein's brother. Yes, yes, yes. Actually, I prefer to be Frankenstein's monster brother. I'm Doug Frankenstein. I'm the brother of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, and I'm like, well, I don't know about this. Hey, do you think it was weird?

Okay, Frankenstein's brother. Let's talk about him for a second. Dr. Frankenstein makes Frankenstein, right? Then he makes another one, Frankenstein's brother. Everybody calls the first one Frankenstein, he's like, I called it Frankenstein. So Frankenstein's brother gets made, he's like, bzzzap, okay, oh, I'm awake, hello, what time is it? Oh, cool, this is so weird to be alive, it exists, this is amazing. So who are you? I am Dr. Frankenstein, and who's that? That's Frankenstein. Oh, so I guess you just went ahead and called him. And what about me? Your name? Oh, you're the brother of Frankenstein. Well, that fucking sucks. That's weird. Call me Bill Einstein, please. Bride of Frankenstein? How about we go with Victoria, my name. Victoria,

and then maybe we'll date and we'll see. This would be like if Travis was named brother of Justin, and I was called like Lil Justin. My name is Justin, this is the Justinettes. Welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, or as we're going to call it from now on, Justin and the rest. It's an advice show for the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. Oh, God almighty, give me one of those. I don't think I should have to do a spooky voice because my voice already kind of sounds like bones. I'm Griffin McElroy. I wanted to try a thing where it was like the cryptkeeper, but couldn't come up with a good pun, but that's

still just how he sounds all the time, because sometimes he would have to be like, yes, I would like fries with that. Yeah. And it's like, oh, what's the joke? Like, there's no joke. There's no joke. I'm just a hungry boy. I'm a hungry. Yeah, he has to live. I'm sorry, I don't get it. There's no need to be rude. Just tell me what the, what's the pun? Nope, this is just me all the time, actually feeling really down today and just wanted some comfort food. Doesn't the flop house have a legal copyright on talking about cryptkeeper? Don't they have the all lifetime TM on that particular character? Anything can happen on Halloween. Oh, we're back. Once Justin starts stepping on Travis's toes, on his goof toes, you can

just drop that and he'll get distracted as if a child distracted by a pinwheel or something. Well, that's the thing is that once that precedent is set, once it's established that anything can happen on Halloween, there's no rules just right anyway. Yeah. So this is our Halloween spectacular. Travis kind of, oh, it's a nice way to put it, deputized himself to give us a theme episode because those have gone. Yeah, pretty good, I think. Let me check the books. I mean, I should pass. There you got friends who keep the records on this one, like a baseball statistician. So let me just go back and check where there's a column that says themed episodes

and see how. Oh, it's full of spiders. It's full of spiders. Yeah, so now they're falling on me. I had a good reason, though. I wanted to do this because we got just randomly one good question about Halloween and I thought, oh, that's fun. What have we had more of these? Sort of an anchor, a spooky anchor for the rest of us. Yeah. And you know what? It'll also probably occur to people that this episode is horrifyingly late. And so you guys just gave me too much time to think about it. That's fair. Yeah. This is how Sadlips got started. And now here we are doing a Halloween spectacular. Y'all give me too much time on my own and I just have these ideas, these ideas.

Here we are. Here we are talking about Halloween. This is not a Halloween watch, even though that would make a lot of sense because there has just been a Halloween film and we do do that from time to time. What are you guys going to be this year? Wow, this is weird. What are you guys going to be this year? Well, BB is going as Daniel Tiger. Love it. And so I thought that I would kind of do a complimentary costume and go as Johnny, the evil karate person from Karate Kid. That's fun. Now, how does that sort of jive with Daniel Tiger? Like Daniel, how the kid's name is Daniel? That's fair. My little guy is going to dress up like a lion because you can just do that when

they're small. It's just like, yeah, they're a puppy. Fucking look at them. It's incredible. So he's going to be a lion. I'm going to be David S. Pumpkins. Nice. This 2018, I'm here to say David S. Pumpkins is still in my heart. He still lives in my heart. I've made room for him. He's not a kind of victim. He's in there. We're all doing superheroes because Charlie's going to be Supergirl. Cool. Okay. And there's just, you know, I've always struggled finding sort of more rotund costumes that I can feel great about. All right. But pretty low on that list is like skin tight lycra. Yeah. So I'm probably going to have to do the Superman t-shirt thing underneath like a dress. Like I'm chained. Like you caught me. Oh, that's fine. Now I do like that.

But let me say, Justin, I think you would look beautiful whatever you wear because I know you and I think you would fucking own it. Yeah. But I did order a full Superman costume. Nice. So we are going to try that. Yeah. Maybe a little bit of a kingdom come vibe. Well, we'll give it a, we'll give it a world, worldsy daisy. Anywho. So, but I didn't see it. I saw it. You know, I saw a t-shirt that had, well, I was looking for a costume. I saw a t-shirt that had printed on it the Clark Kent dress shirt with the Superman t-shirt underneath. It was like, it's just a lot of layers. That's three shirts away. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I love that shit. Why don't they do that more? If I go to, you know, J crew and I want

to get some autumnal layers going. Don't make me buy, you know, a jacket, Oxford t-shirt with a tank top underneath it. Just give me one big shirt that looks like all of them for $40. I'm going to get into our very spooky halving questions because if we don't do them this week, we're not fucking gonna do them ever. So let's go. I'm working at a professional haunted house this year. Nice. And I have this problem where people take what I say literally and ruin the scare. For example, my character was right before a train scare. Is that, you just kind of threw that out there like, well, you got a train scare coming up. Well, I think context clues don't make sense as we continue on with the question. Okay. I was supposed to have died on

the tracks. So I would scream, don't go on the tracks. It doesn't happen too often, but every now and then some big is just like, okay, well, let me turn our whole group around and not go obviously forward. Where do we go? I wouldn't go in there. Oh, you obviously had a bit of trouble with the train. So I don't. It does seem dangerous. So I guess I'll, is this way to funnel cake? What can I do in response? I've stuttered and yelled, I want you to go on the tracks. As you know what, go on the tracks. Wanging it in Westland is who that is from. That is a very good. That's a very good quandary. I miss haunted houses. Me too. It used to be fun and easy to go to them before I had children. Now it's a little more challenging. I've worked several

haunted houses in my life. This is true. I want to hear some good haunted house stories from my brother Travis, who I love. Well, one time in La La Land. So he's got a lot of celebs. I actually did. Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill, you got him good, huh? We scared the shit out of Jonah Hill. Oh, good dude. Did he shit his fucking pants? He did. Oddly. Nice, dude. Actually, I don't know that to be true, and I don't want to get sued for libel. No, if it's true, then it's true, baby, and it ain't libel. It's probably true. You made Jonah Hill dukey his shorts. You loved it. Awesome, dude. Now he's the maniac. Here's the thing. He shit his pants, and then he came back through three more times.

Loved it. And each time he shit his pants. Yeah. That's the only way to get it done. And he said out loud, he said out loud, I've been constipated for six years. Thank you so much. I'm going to cast you in my next, my next, my next feature. Yeah. They'll teach him to drop out of the limelight to focus on directing. Yeah. So here's, but I was in one and I fell asleep in a coffin. That's pretty much the biggest story I was in. That must have been anti-climactic for the people walking by. I was in a coffin that I like popped up and scared people. And one night when I was working at haunted house in Oklahoma, I did fall asleep in the casket. Yeah. It was a good nap. I bet dude, the dirt nap.

Sort of designed to be good. The wake up was not great. No, sure. Not a cool wake up. Here's the thing about haunted house. End of the day, it is still a house. And I can't say like, I can't say like, yo, Derek, go to the, go to the bathroom. I can't, you know what I mean? Like, I can't say, yo, Derek, time to go upstairs to the nursery. It's, Derek's going to go where he wants to go. It is still a house and you need to be hospitable. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I do know what you mean. This house? This house. We, unless we forget, that's, you know what? It's a haunted house. What does somebody, it's a haunted home. That's something we need to think about. That's somebody's haunted home that you're traipsing

around in and spilling your hot cocoa that you purchased in line. You're spilling that everywhere. It's somebody's haunted home. They should establish that more. There should be a room that you walk into and there's just like somebody watching TV and they're like, oh, there's nothing scary in this room. This is just the den. Do you want to fucking buy it though? Cause I hate how haunted it is. Yeah. Always. This time of year, it's great. Come back in like May. It sucks. Like it's very fun usually. In May, it's the worst. Yeah. Cause it's still this, but also like I have to go to work. Yeah. Thank you for your like sort of tourism through my life, sort of like this life tourism, but this is my haunted home. Next time you come, could you bring some groceries or something? I

haven't been able to leave the house. There's a chainsaw man by the front door. I can't go fucking anywhere. We live, this is our first Halloween in a new neighborhood that we recently moved to and there is a house down the street that about two weeks ago, their whole front yard became covered in a barrier of, you know, black garbage bags. And you know what the fuck that means that it's about to get really spooky in there. They don't want anybody to see the Halloween surprise. Then they put up a, then they spray painted the bags with a date that you know their mixtapes going to drop and you're so fucking psyched. Yesterday I drove by it and they had also spray painted on five dollars. Is your, is your house, but that's a home hot. You can't

turn it into an unlicensed haunted home like an off track, especially care factory. There's no way it's like OSHA standards in there. I'm like, no way. Someone's going to fucking touch you. Oh, no, no, no. You know what? Griffin call OSHA. Get Etsy a haunted house. Get a license. There are rules. Trust me. I've been yelled at. Here's the way you solve this one because you can do this and you can amp up the scares. So you act like you weren't finished with your sentence. Like don't go across the tracks and then they're like, okay, I won't. And then you turn around like, cause I'm going to eat your feet and then you go after them to like your feet. Yeah. And they're like so scared or like, I'm going to eat your ass because I'm going to get

to the tracks and send a different message. That might be a mixed message. Awesome. Dude, I'm so scared. Shit. Do you guys want to Yahoo? And someone's sending by Ray Gainer. Yahoo answers user Dan who asks if you pump a haunted cellar full of concrete, does it get rid of the ghost? Like if you totally obliterate the ghost's environment by filling the whole cellar full of liquid concrete right up to the ceiling, does it effectively exercise it? Or would the ghost just move upstairs and haunt the rest of the house? Stupid ignorant people who don't believe in ghosts should not respond to this question. I ain't afraid to know ghosts. You're going to call me the ghost buster. All right. So I'm going to fix this one up proper

good. Ain't no fucking ghost going to get out of this boy. Do you have anything you need to get out of the cellar before I begin the extraction process? Well, I think our cat was down. Okay, your cat, good news. Cat's still down there. You know where it is. And you always, I ain't afraid of the ghost. I just reduced the square footage of your home. I'm a ghost buster. I mean ghosts are by definition incorporeal. Yeah. But to, but counterpoint, Trev, I'm not saying that they would be like forced out. Oh, but I don't know of a ghost who would be like, Oh, cool. I'm going to brick. Yeah. I'm just going to sit down here. I guess like the ghost would just like, Oh, okay. I get it. Fine. I get it. You don't want me here. I could have just said or like hung crosses up.

You didn't have to ruin your finished basement, dog. Kill your beloved Mr. Mittens. Like this is going to kill your resale value. What were you thinking? I don't think one third of the square footage of the house. You had a bar down here. Sellers actually a lot of trouble. I'd be fine with just concreting one right up. If I, so I didn't have to deal with all the dankness, the mold. Are you kidding me? And the ghost folks, if it's below ground, it's going to get wet. Yeah. In there. That's earth. That actually is true. My basement just flooded a little bit. I don't know how much water there has to be in a basement for you to call it flooded, but any just any presence of water that cannot be explained. Yeah. If there was, okay.

Imagine that there was a ghost that was extremely terrifying and very spooky. He is not friendly. I cannot highlight this enough. This is not a friendly ghost. Is he like standoffish or no? He's like a scary fucking ghost, right? Like from the movie. Does he kill? No. Ghosts don't do anything. Ghosts really aren't scary, but imagine he's like a scary frightening ghost. And like if you give him a second, he'll like try to push your board game shelf over on top of you. Oh, no. I know. So he's acting out. I just organized those. He will also maintain your basement and keep it dry and spotless. I would guess what I'm saying is if you could have a butler that was also a ghost. A bootler. Thank you. That's unnecessary,

but okay. I suppose. Yes. Fine. We've checked with the judges. They say it's okay. A bootler. No, if you don't say it right, it just sounds like you're mispronouncing butler. You gotta say bootler. Don't think I have to do anything of the sort. So what would you, what would you, hey, whose phone just rang? It's a ghost. Oh, Justin. Justin, did you get a ghost caller or? Don't be scared. I'm very scared of the rudeness that I didn't expect. The rudeness. Yeah, I thought maybe we were all very, very on the same level, but I'm terrified we're not. I thought we've been recording episodes for over nine years. Hey, wait a minute, guys. I don't have a phone.

Fuck. Hell yeah, dude. It's too real. It's really good. Let's get back to Justin's spooky sexy upstairs downstairs reboot. Yes, I would keep, if I had a moody standoffish acting out ghost who wasn't necessarily trying to kill me, but didn't mind tipping a board game shelf over on me, but kept my basic clean, maybe cleaned like the cat box that was down there and like kept it dry. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I think I'd be okay with that. Okay. Thank you, Travis. Thank you for weighing in. I have a second question. Let's say he was just a spooky ghost, not helpful. Okay. He scared your family. He scared your pets. He scared your guests. He made a very scary place to be in. Okay. So you can banish this ghost, but it takes 20 minutes

and you have to watch the entire time and the ghost can talk and stuff. Would you do it? Would you banish this ghost into non-existence? If one, it took 20 minutes, two, it could talk the whole time. Right. And three, you had to watch. What kind of show? And the ghost knows what's going on, the whole time. He knows what's going on. He knows that you're doing it. You're like holding a giant lever to banish this ghost into non-existence, but you have to stay in the room the entire time. Is the ghost experiencing any kind of discomfort or is it just like? Yeah, he's being ban, no. He's being slowly banished into non-existence. He's being nothinged and he knows that you're doing it. Right. I mean, I think I could make a hard case for like, sorry, bud. You knocked over all my

board games. I spent all afternoon organizing those. You did knock them over, so I have to destroy you forever. I have to send you to the nothing place. I don't think that's that. He's going to make a lot of promises here, but there's going to be a lot of like, I will make you board games from now on. I'll suck your fucking dick, dude. You ever had a Ghostbusters? You ever had an EctoStyle? I will. I'll do it. What if that's how the Ghostbusters did it? What if rather than trap, what if when you hired the Ghostbusters, they had to stand in your living room and blast a ghost into non-existence and it took 45 minutes and they could talk the entire time? Yeah. I mean, that's why they kept a slimer around. A slimer was the only one who they felt pity for. This slimer is like

a fucking ghost hospice nurse just talking the ghost into non-existence. Hey, hey, hey. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's okay. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Rest your slimy head on what passes for your neck. It's the slime zone. Ah, nice. Ah, ghosts still got it, man. Horses are done, but ghosts still got it, man. Damn. Damn, Daniel. How do I tell people to give me bones? I collect bones and enjoy getting them as gifts. Best gift I ever gotten was a human pelvis replica. Unfortunately, you nasty person. Unfortunately, it's always a little awkward asking people to get me bones during gift giving holidays or birthdays. How do I ask for bones while being taken seriously and not freaking people out?

That's from Cass. Probably your biggest risk is like asking to get bones and people giving you like DVD seasons starring David Boreanus. Yeah, but really, but then you get it and you're like, oh man, this isn't bones, but then you watch a couple of seasons. You're like, I'm okay with this. Yeah, and it does feature a lot of bones. There's a lot of bones. Sure. That's going to take out your fancy. Man, I need to get back into that show. I fell off at some point. I think I only made it through the first three or four seasons. I mean, enough that I would say I am a bones fan, but not enough that I would say like, I know everything about bones. No one loves bones more than me. I tell you, my favorite thing is David Boreanus is pretty, I don't know. I wouldn't call

him like an uptight FBI agent. I think he was in the FBI, but he wore funny, silly socks and like, that's how you knew like, ah, he's a funny guy. Yeah, he knows how to find the, he knows how to find the bones too, which is so important. And I tell you, I watched that movie, Lovely Bones. There's no, there was no David Boreanus and his friend, Carl, really finding noob skeletons. And I was so fucking pissed off by that. But anyway, if you want to know how to get bones as a gift, there is in a way that's wild. They're all illegal. I think it's illegal to own a bone. Yeah, this is kind of like saying like, I want to get pop tarts from the government. I don't know how you do that. That's sort of not a thing that they deal in.

There's a place in Los Angeles, I'm trying to remember the name of it, but what keeps popping in my head is Cryptonomica because of our stupid RPG show. But there's a place that like just sells like jewelry made of like bird skulls and like pins made of like rabbit skeletons or whatever. But they just want a pure bone experience Travis. They don't want it to be fancied up. If there's a place in LA I know about, it's called the La Brea Tar Pits, full of bones. You just got to know how to get them with my special drone. That's true. Wouldn't you rather have a bone with a story than just like, I bought you this bone? That's not interesting. Now I excavated. I pulled this out of the tar pits with Griffin's bone drone.

TM TM TM TM TM, Griffin's bone drone. It can be either a bone, a drone that retrieves bones or one made out of bones for a special Halloween party. Or maybe both. Bones though, huh? Where do you get them? Who has them? Everybody, but they won't give them to you. Are they at the store? I know that probably if you went to like the butcher counter and asked for bones, I think they legally have to give it to you. Right. Does that still count? Is that the kind of bones you want? I think they love human bones and owning as many of them as possible. You think it's an insurance policy in case they have a kickball accident? Oh, replacement bones. I got a new fibula.

A bone donor. I got a new tabin, Tibia. Got a new tibiran. My owner's new. It's from a guy named Ralph and now I have it. It would be nice to like fall off the bleachers at the big game and then everybody's like, oh no. And you're like, it's fine. I actually have another one of these. Let me just get me home and I'll slap a new one in there right away. It's not polite for me to pop the new bone in and fry everybody because some of y'all get squeamish. But I'll do it. Not you, Doug. I know you're weird. Not you, Doug. I've seen you play operation. Get the fuck out of here, Doug.

I'm trying recently just to be clear. I'm trying recently to transition away from like using Stephen to Doug. That's my go-to friend name. We've gotten a lot of letters from Stevens. Like, please, please, please, fucking stop. Please, God, please, I'm in hell. I think you guys hate me. Derrick's are never going to get off the hook. Derrick's are never. Yeah. But I mean, it's got to be those names. Justin does Vickier Victoria a lot. I do do Victoria a lot.

We do need to retire Stephen though. Yeah, Stevens. Stevens had a good run. God, I feel like dog shit. I wish I had some new bones. I could use a new fucking rib cage at this point. Well, Griffin, if you really want a new rib cage, I know one way we could afford it for you. By doing advertisements of the money, so.

Thank you. Yes, the money bone. I would like to tell you all about Squarespace. Yep. Yeah, that's actually great for me. Yeah, it's actually just a coincidence that then they also happen to be sponsoring us. But even if they weren't, I wanted to talk about them. Because I think that the next wave of the future is haunted websites. Yeah, it's like a haunted house, but you don't need to leave your house or go anywhere, do anything. And it's basically like as you're scrolling through, it would be like a social media platform,

like a Twitter or a Facebook or an Instagram. But as you're scrolling through, every third post is scary. And then just when you start to expect it, then it's like every fourth post. It varies a little bit so that it works up to you. And I'm going to work on building this idea using Squarespace to turn my cool idea into a new website, to showcase my work of scariness and announce an upcoming event or special project, my new innovation, my scarification. Travis, you don't know literally anything about making websites.

Oh, but Justin, I do not need to. My completely infantile brain plus Squarespace equals websites because Squarespace has beautiful templates created by world-class designers, powerful e-commerce functionality that lets me sell things online, which I will. There will be a lot of merch on my scary website and free and secure hosting. So I don't have to worry about anyone hacking my scary website and stealing my ideas. Oh, God, please. You got it.

You just got to go, man. You just got to read it. I mean, get it. You're making a scary website. Yeah. I just want to make it clear the website will be scary. Oh, so scary. Head to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code my brother to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash my brother and enter the code my brother all one word. I got a ghost in my dick. It's me undies time. Whoa. That is their slogan. I got a ghost in my dick.

I'll put it in my me undies to where they're very, very soft and make fun crazy prints. Do you know they also make lounge pants and tees? Well, I've been convalescing for what feels like two and a half months. I've been wearing these lounge pants so much that they have become me. Anyway, fall is here and it's the perfect time to put these cozy essentials to the test. I really do enjoy me undies quite a bit. I tell you, I tell you, I wore them up north. Took a trip up north to the northern most regions of Minnesota.

And these me undies kept my whole business area completely great. And they have the lounge pants. Let's get back to those. They are made from the same three times softer than cotton micromodal fabric as their undies. You can check out their latest Jack-O-Lanterns print in undies socks and bralettes. And they got 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love them, you can keep them. They'll refund you.

It's risk free. They got a great offer for our listeners too. For any first time purchasers when you purchase any me undies, you get 15% off and free shipping. So to get 15% off your first pair of free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundies.com slash my brother. That's meundies.com slash my brother. I would love to tell you all share a special message with you. And it is from Pops slash Fistmaster.

And it's for Alex, Nick, Olivia, and Jill. And that's not a great start, but I'm going to push on through. Thank you for being my good, good kids. I am so proud of you and love you so much. The brothers make life better because they remind me of you, especially the talking over each other's goose. Here's to many more years of fun and great job. Sincerely, Fistmaster.

Fuck yeah. Now, to be fair, that's not a weird nickname. In the 90s, he was transported to an alternate universe where he turned out to be the one spoken about in legend and he was the Fistmaster. Fistmaster, I've heard of him. Travis, you want to read this last one, please? I sure do. My voice sounds like a mud bubble.

It's from Taylor and it's for John. Hi, baby. Turns out your anxious baby got nervous writing this. Anyway, life is a drip and I am so lucky to be writing beside you. You're a strong inspirational man, the very best cat daddy to our very bad beans, and my best friend. I can't wait to watch Peezy and Bean grow old with us. I love you always and unconditionally.

200 mummies. And then there were 200 mummies. Oh, like there's like 200 mummies. Believe it or not, there's 200 mummies. Oh, shoot. The secret is out. I open my eagle officially had a wrestling match. Now, the next Tyson fights, I'm talking all about it.

The rap battles that got us started. And to how I hurt myself in ways I didn't know I could. That day and the day before, I got so many texts from people who really care about me who were like, please don't break your neck. The only place you can get the full story is on the newest episode of Tights and Fights. Find it on maximumfun.org or wherever you get podcasts. You know Yahoo? Yeah, I'd love one.

This is usually the part after we come out in Money Zone where you interrupt me a little bit. Weird. Nope, not on this one. Sorry to disappoint. All right, so here's a Yahoo. This one was sent in by Kyle. Who was it from again? Say it slowly.

This one was, wait, say it slowly. Yeah, yeah. Here. Folks, it's a haunted doll watch. What else could it be? This is coming to us from, actually, this is I think our first repeat seller. It may be that this has happened before, but this person's intro is so wild that I'm happy to welcome back Lacey.

Here's a reminder of Lacey. Today, I will share my story with you so you can get to know me. My name is Lacey, so feel free to call me by my name. That is like a fucking mid-90s hip-hop song. Like, stop what you're doing because I'm about to ruin your day. Today, I'm going to share the story of a scare. She's in a wonderful coven. She brushes the art of magic.

She lives in Harming One, harming none and helping off. I said Harming One. It's okay. If you get out of this life only Harming One, not bad. I believe in harming Beverly Fitzpatrick, who used to be my friend when we were in third grade. She knows what she did. She knows what she did, Beverly. Huge capsule letters.

This is a tangible item. Don't get it twisted. And then right below that, it says, This is a sexual spirit meant for you. This is not a toy. Oh my God. Meant for me? Meant for you, my brother, that I'm selling a sexual ghost spirit.

Is it a fucking toy though? It's not. It's a tangible sexual spirit. It says, it says, this is a tangible item. And then Bramble Ones says it's a sexual spirit. And Lacey, which is it? Lacey? Lacey?

It can be both, Justin. It's 2018. People can be both tangible items and sexual spirits. Today, I present to you the sexual spirit of Kayla, a new undiscovered Miles Davis record. This is a highly erotic spirit. If you desire a sexual spiritual connection with another being, I think everybody does. This spirit is meant for you. Kayla is of, this is underlined,

a very sensual spirit. Yeah. Oh my God, you make it so much worse with each repeated. If you are not aroused by looking into her eyes, then read no further. Let me take a quick check. Well, okay, hold on, wait, let's pause the podcast. I need to send you all the links. Send me a JPEG.

Not everybody is going to be able to continue with this. We're not all going to get through to the end of this because some of us are going to, if we're following the directions, some of us are going to have to bail. But yeah. So we'll just do this. If you click on the JPEG, and you don't get, I would love to send you all guys that lost your JPEG, but new Skype is so fucking miserable that I can't even, here we go.

There is a link to Kayla. I am having zero erotic reaction to this. Yeah. I wish I could come with you, but I'm getting, my, my erotometer is just in the, completely in the red right now. Well, there's no activity. It's completely fair. I do want to keep, I'm going to keep reading just as a public service,

but I think we've all established this is not for any of us. This is not any of our king. It might just specifically be for Dan Ackroyd. And I know we've already referenced him once this episode and might again. Yeah. It just, well, we referenced his character in Ghostbusters, but this is for Dan the man. Dan the human man.

This spirit will provide you with an intense sexual attachment. You will feel Kayla in any room you are in. I mean, after you buy her, I guess that's your right. You will follow. She will follow you around. She is at your beck and call. That's not, that's not, that's not, that's not what you meant to say. She will exist to pleasure you.

This is starting to yuck me out, but I'm going to push on forward. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, it's starting. Now is the time where the yuck. Just from a power dynamics perspective, like I want Kayla to be her own person. And if we have a strong sexual connection, that's like great. But I also wanted her to be able to pursue her other interests. She is ready for you anytime.

All you have to do is call her and she will be there to pleasure you. Oh no. She's a doll. It sucks so bad. It sucks so bad that she's a little doll. It sucks so bad. She will appeal you shit. She's telepathically as a young woman.

Well, you're assuming a lot all of a sudden, aren't you, Lacey? Maybe that's not my fucking thing. She will be in the body of a 20 year old. She has long dark hair. She will be wearing only a long t-shirt. I got to say that. What? Usually with these listings, it's, it's always about like,

it's always about like, you'll feel a general sort of spirit of, Lacey's giving you the fucking craig list ad, right? Like this is how this is her exact description and clothes guarantee. It's, it's so oddly, she'll be wearing a long t-shirt with an off brand vart. Right. Exactly. One, she'll be wearing just a left sock and a slap break. She'll be wearing a big dog t-shirt.

So he's still from your uncle. She, she won't get the reference and neither will you. She will be in the body of a 20 year old. She has long dark hair. She will only be wearing a long t-shirt. She will fall into your arms. You will catch her and feel her body brush against you. Well, I might be back at shit to do today.

She only wants to satisfy you. She will whisper into your ear. She will speak to you in her soft voice. She will nip at your neck. She will be ready. You will dream of Kayla often. You will feel her arms around you at all times. This is not a normal sexual spirit.

You can't just walk into any fucking Costco and buy a regular sexual spirit. She's not like the, the other, she's special. She's very active. Artisanal. She is. I keep waiting. I feel like there should be a twist here and like, and that's when she'll turn on you.

Like this is, where's the twist? She's one of the more active sexual spirits in my collection. So Lacey's keeping the real nasty birds back for herself. But she is pretty nasty. Kayla, give it up. Her only wish is to make you feel pleasure. She is a very talkative spirit. She will only speak if you desire to speak with her.

If you do want a conversation, she communicates best through dousing and pendulum. How's your relationship going, Justin? Pretty good. We communicate mainly through dousing and pendulum. It gets me rock hard. It gets me rock hard and she's always ready and she's always in the same big dog's t-shirt she stole from my uncle.

If you're in need of a pendulum, I have them available at my store. Damn, Lacey, you thought of everything. You can view them by clicking here. Can you imagine buying this sexual spirit? It's like, there's got to be some way we could talk. Anyway, I can't think of anything. I am a reputable seller and I have been for years, which is something that reputable sellers always say in my experience.

All my items are authentic and you will get a tangible item. You'll be extremely satisfied with this purchase. I combine this spirit doll to you free of charge so the magic can begin working before arrival. Okay, so what Lacey is saying is she'll do a spell on this doll to make a horny spirit fly across the country and because faster than UPS could do it, because I need this sexy spirit now.

I will be sending a free gift along with Kayla, which does not seem sinister in the slightest. Jesus. Not a pendulum though. You're going to fork out for that, baby. She's a beautiful spirit and will make a great addition to anyone's family who is open to the paranormal. And I would hasten to say pretty much anything, huh, Lacey?

Who in reading this listing got to that line and would be like, well, I'm not open to the paranormal. Like that was the deal breaker for them. All caps, red text, italics, exclamation points, larger font. Authentic, spirit, magical, powerful. And then just when you're about to nut. Per eBay's policy, I must state that I am not to be held responsible for any paranormal experiences that may or may not happen.

You're bitting on a tangible, all right. Just when I'm about to go nuts. It's like, but it could not happen. I don't think that eBay, I understand why Lacey has phrased it to say I'm not responsible for any paranormal occurrences that may or may not happen per eBay's policy. Yeah, they're taking some liberties. I'm pretty sure that eBay's policy is not.

If an item you buy on eBay has a ghost in it, it's not the seller's fault. Like I'm pretty sure eBay doesn't specify that ghosts items are not the fault of the seller. I'm pretty sure it's just the other one. Yeah, I bought this vintage Mickey Mouse clock off of your eBay site and it's haunted. Well, I don't know what to tell you per eBay's policy, ghosts attached to the item are not the responsibility of the seller. So, I guess. As always, I'd like to close this haunted dog segment the way I always do

by saying if you're the person at eBay that takes calls about shit not being haunted enough, please give us a buzz. Would love to hear from you even though you got the disclaimer I'm betting your phone is still ringing off the proverbial hook and I would love to just touch base real quick, whatever you need a second. Just a couple anonymous transcripts from those calls would just be top notch. Just treat me real good. We'll put the monster voice filter on it before we put it on our podcast for sure. Do you want a yahoo?

Yes. This one was sent in by Griffin, but a different one. Thank you, Griffin. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous. I'm going to call them. Munchy asks, Halloween prank, what would happen if I did this? Say that on Halloween night, I keep several open cans of creamed corn by my front door and every time I get a trick or treat or I open the door, quickly dump the can of creamed corn into their bag of candy then shut the door nowhere it's ever spoken.

What would come of that? I think you'd be arrested. Why? It's definitely illegal. Why? Why? Huh. Because you'd be ruining children's candy in evenings.

I don't know. It's a trick, motherfucker. It's not a good one though. It's a great one. It counteracts all the treats. It's a trick that negates every treat they've received up to that point. It's a pretty good trick. I mean, I guess it's not the most creative. What would you do then to get really trick them?

Yeah, maybe like distract them and then swap their bag of candy for just a bag full of creamed corn. So then you get the candy. Then I get the candy and you know what, maybe I just leave the creamed corn in the can too and I just give them a bag with a can of creamed corn in it. That they'll use to just beat you to shit with. Now the door's closed. All right. You can't get me. I'm never leaving my house again.

Never. I have enough candy to live off the rest of my life. Yeah. Enjoy the Garmin Bosia, kids. I think it'd be funny. I mean, it'd be so bad, right? But like I love that like bad humor. Like me, myself, Irene humor.

Like that bad, like they shouldn't be doing that. Do you know what I mean? The raunchy stuff. Like the super raunchy. There's something about Mary when he comes. It's like so bad and it shouldn't be happening. Hey, Creeper, this one's going to take you back. Is that hair gel?

Yeah. Here's the thing. Try to let him have it. Let him go. It's me, the Creepkeeper. I wrote that joke. What? All right.

Yeah, he wrote the- You did? Yeah. I wrote all of something about Mary. Wow. It's something I called it. There's something about scary. Uh-huh.

Hey, Creepkeeper, that done making you fucking sense, bud. There's tomb thing. There's something about scare. Okay. All right. But it doesn't make any sense. I called it- I called it scare's tomb thing about scary.

Yeah. We also had a fix. I did a boot. So scare's tomb thing, a boot, scary. I think that's all of them. Scare's swamp thing, a boot, scary. It's a fucking, it's a fucking bad podcast. People have been listening to this podcast for almost a decade.

I'm just saying the hit film, Scare's swamp thing. A boot, scary. A boot, scary. Yes. It's the perfect joke. It's a Halloween- It was a horror comedy. There's nothing wrong with that.

Shit. With Cameron Diaz. Like, oh, shit. I did one too many, didn't I? I have so many questions to get through. I know that we barely touched on that Yahoo, but I gotta move on. Hey, bro.

Hey, no, please. I never dressed up for Halloween, super religious parents. But this year is my year. My wife and I have an invite to a Halloween party, and we also have all the components for the perfect Bob and Linda Belcher costume. The only issue is that I've had beer for three years now, and this costume would require shaving down

to just the mustache. My question, is it worth shaving away all my hard work for my first ever Halloween costume? That's from Spooky Stache and Surrey. Why don't we lightening round through these last questions? Because Justin's right. We are not going to come back to these ever. For sure, for sure, for sure.

They are Halloween themed. I am going to say probably not, because it's one night out of the year, and your beard is going to take you a while to get back, I think. Halloween costumes are about having fun and playing dress up. And maybe you don't know this because you haven't done it before. It's not about tricking your friends

into thinking you're the beloved burger man. They're not going to be fooled. They'll know it's you. So you don't have to make it a complete route. You don't have to be in character all night, I guess is what I'm saying. The Halloween police aren't going to send you home because you didn't do it.

Now, if you're going to go compete in some sort of Halloween competition, maybe. What's the prize? I mean, I said I was doing David S. Pumpkins earlier, but really, I'm just putting on a nice blue suit that I own. Then that's good. But then I'll say his favorite stuff.

What's the worst laziest Halloween costume everybody here has ever done? Where it's like, still, you try to do a costume, but it's just bad. You did a bad job. I've never done a bad job. Okay. I put on a striped sweater, and I said,

I am Harry Potter. I broke a stick. Well, I was on my way to the party. This is not a joke. I broke a stick off of a tree, and that was my wand. It was awesome. I once wore a green pair of ladies' sweatpants and a white dress shirt, and said I was Peter Griffin.

I remember that. It was not a good costume, but- It was dark time for all of us. Good sweatpants. They were good sweatpants. See, I've done Dexter, and I did a good job. I did Quail Man, and I did a good job. You're done.

I've done Wolverine, yes? Quail Man. You know the best one Sid and I ever did was Phil and Lil. Those are adorable. That was good. They were good costumes. Anyway, let's move on. I hope that helps.

Just keep your beard. Don't shave your beard. I work at a scare farm every- Is that a pun or- A scare farm is probably like a haunted house, but more rural. Got it. Every year, where I get to run around and terrify children and adults alike.

But every year, without fail, there are a couple people that end up fighting rather than fleeing upon being spooked. So dope. How should I prepare myself for these situations? And what types of defense tactics should I employ when dealing with the easily-scarred common folk? That's from blood curdling and bruised in Branshburg.

So awesome. It's so awesome. Oh, it's a mummy. A real mummy. I got him. Punch, punch, punch. Oh, shoot, that's right. Oh, no, that was just a 20-year-old.

Damn it. Do they go see Lion King on Broadway, and they're like, Yeah, everybody get the fuck out of here. That's a hyena. So wild animals. Fucking awesome. I've only been struck once doing some spooks, and I was doing a haunted house.

So I worked with this company that set up haunted houses at people's houses, and they did it for this seven-year-old's birthday that happened to be three days before Halloween. And so it was the same 10 kids, and they all came through the party of the haunted house over and over again. And so I was just sitting in a fake electric chair,

doing a jump scare, and this little girl just came through. I jumped. She stared at me for five seconds, and it hauled off and smacked me across the face. And I instantly turned back into an adult, and I was like, how dare you? And she ran away. It was, and I never did a haunted house ever again after that.

I guess it's a good reminder that you're not so tough. You may be Mr. Scare. Oh, I see. Mr. Scare that night, but people will still fight. People can still fight you, I guess is what I'm saying. So you should be careful. And you know what? That's also a pretty hopeful message for humanity.

I was like, yeah, it'll be scary when the army of vampires attacks, but some of us will fight back. Listen, some of us will run, and as I'm sure I've discussed in this podcast before, the time I got scared by a werewolf, I did run away. And listen, I'm a runner. I get it.

You have done your part, I think, in keeping these modern-day Spartans, keeping their instincts honed to a razor's edge. So when the real creature for the black lagoon shows up, this guy will be ready. He'll have practiced on you, so he'll be ready to save your bacon. And you'll appreciate it.

Yeah. That's what you should do is mark them in some way, and then have someone outside of the haunted house when they get out. They're just like, I see you're a fighter. Come with me, son. I'm going to recruit you to a very special organization. You're going to help me fight monsters.

But then really, you just like, I don't know, sue them for striking an employee. I'm going to recruit you to a very special well over here. I'm going to push you into your dingus. You know, Travis makes a great point. If you're being struck, that is still a crime. A haunted house is still a house, and in house, you can still do crime.

You know what I mean? Like, we don't suspend our laws just because we're trying to lark a little bit. You know what I mean? Why did you hit that? Well, he was dressed like a werewolf. OK, but werewolves aren't real. Yeah, you know, it's a guy.

So it was a guy. You hit him. Please follow me to jail. This way to jail. Please. I want to dress up for Halloween. Log behind me, honor system. I want to dress up for Halloween,

but my office at my new job doesn't seem to celebrate the holiday at all. How much of my Hogwarts uniform can I put on before it stops moving? Business casual. That's from Bailey. I can say anecdotally, if you put on some jeans and a striped sweatshirt with a stick,

people aren't going to know your Harry Potter. So that much, approximately. What if just like every time the boss walked by, you were a little more magical? Oh, I see. I like that. Yeah. So over time, the boss walks by like 455,

and the boss is like, have they always been Hermione? Have they always been Hermione? Where did they get the owl from? What the fuck's going on? Have you always had an owl? Yep. Hey, have you always been Voldemort? Yeah, I have always been Voldemort.

You know this. Always. We talked about this at my quarterly review. Have you always been a ghost that lives in the bathroom? Yes, I have. Yep. There's been no that. There's always been a bathroom, a crying bathroom ghost

at your office. Last one. Okay, so for Halloween, I'm going as a skeleton with a jack-o'-lantern mask. Fuck that's scary. But the ones that my mom got me is just so barely crunchy. Like I just slightly moved my arm in the fabric paint that was used to paint on the boat.

Just crunches so loud. Did I fix this? Can I make it not so annoying? Can I try to make it sound like the crunchiness is on purpose? That's from Matt. Thank you, Matt. Matt, you just have to jump out and say like, I'm the crunchy ghost.

Yeah, crunchy. I mean, you're essentially able to scare in two senses. And I think you could rub some stinky onion or blood smell on yourself. Go for a hat trick. Maybe like a bitter taste. A bitter taste, like a spray. In case anyone accidentally licks you.

Or just a bitter spray that you put on people. And then what feels scary? Ooh, you could say like trick or treat, close your eyes. I'm going to do like the egg on your head. And spiders crawling up your back. Spiders crawling down your back. Folks, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for joining us.

We hope you're going to have a very spooky Halloween time next. And a safe Halloween time next week. We definitely have an episode that's going to go up before Halloween. Oh, why is this a Halloween? Timing wise, I guess you're right. I wanted to have more of a build up to it. So people could listen to this over and over again. We definitely can't do another Halloween episode on the 29th.

You've condemned us to. We have to do a curse this episode next week. That's what you've done. How could you do this? That literally just occurred to me for the first time, as I'm saying it. I know. It's a stop. It actually occurred to me yesterday and I still went ahead with it

because I've already gotten the questions ready. Monstress. Thank you so much for listening. Happy Halloween. Yeah, I guess so. In 10 days. If you want to be the head of the neighborhood, you should go to Amazon and buy enough copies of the Sawbones book

to give to all the different trick or treaters that are going to show up. I would really appreciate it if you buy that. And if you already buy it, please review it. My wife, Sydney McRoy, and I worked really hard on it. And we hope you really enjoy it. And also, go ahead and go to theadventuresowncomic.com and pre-order the second book, Enough Copies, to give next Halloween. For that second book of the graphic novel, Murder on the Rockport Limited.

It's great. And we think you're going to love it. This isn't a plug, but just wanted to remind everyone that Election Day is November 6. Please get out and vote. You can get an absentee ballot or vote by mail. There's also, I think, Lyft and Uber are running deals where they will get you to the polling place and back. And there's a lot of different options.

So please get out and vote. Vote or die. Remember that, guys? Do you remember that? Damn. He was like, here's your two choices. You can vote or you can die. Why was that the name of the thing, huh?

Yeah. That's a good question. Do you guys want to thank John Rodger in the long winter for the use of our theme song that's had a part drop of the album putting the days to bed? Yeah, thank you. Absolutely. Check out all the other amazing shows on MaximumFun.org.

Oh, also, I think Sawbones has a book signing coming up on the 27th in Charleston at Books of Million. Yeah, it's the Dudley Farms Plaza Books of Million. If you want to get your book signed or whatever sign, you just got to buy a copy of the book on the day of at that locale. I am such a dummy. We almost forgot. So we're starting a Macworld Newsletter.

Thank you. Oh, yes. Yes. Because we keep having more and more stuff that we're working on and stuff falls through the cracks. And we don't want it to end up being like a 10-minute plug at the end of every episode. So if you go to bit.ly slash macroe mail, M-A-I-L,

and I don't know why I keep feeling the need to clarify that, but macroe mail, you can sign up for that newsletter and you'll get a lot of information that you'll only see there, including the date and link and stuff for the candlelight show. I'm sure we'll announce it later, but you'll see it first in the newsletter. So if you go to bit.ly slash macroe mail, you can sign up for it. And it's not a pyramid scheme.

Even though people keep talking about that, I don't know where that got started, but it is not a pyramid scheme. It's just a regular mailing list that's not in any way should perform a pyramid scheme. Here's that final incident by Michelle. Thank you, Michelle. It's Yahoo Answers user.

Come on. Load. Load. Load. Damn it. It's from Yahoo Answers user. I'll call him Cedric. Cedric asks,

Does Oscar the Grouch have legs? And, furthermore, a ding-a-ling. I hate this macroe. I just... macroe. I'm Griffin MacRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, Kiss Your Dad's Square on the Lips.

Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. All right. This one of you is about some books. One, two, one, two, three, four. Hi, everybody.

My name is Justin MacRoy. And I'm Sydney MacRoy. And together we're the hosts of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. What does that mean for you, the podcast consumer? Well, it means that you're going to get a lot of stories about how we used to do weird stuff to people in order to try to fix them.

Do you know that we used to think diseases were caused by bad smells? And that we used to eat mummies for medicine. That's super funny. I can't even like it. Well, thanks. And we hope you'll kind of like our show, Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine.

It's available every Friday, wherever fine podcasts are sold. Or at its beautiful picture as comb at. Maximumfun.org All right.