My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 431: A Very Spooky Burger

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Welp, I guess this is unofficially our second Halloween episode, because we are ding-dongs who are incapable of looking at a calendar before recording our chart-topping advice podcast. It's like having two Babadooks for the price of one! Suggested talking points: Johnny English 3 Watch, Secret Spectrum, Sentient Chairs, Zoo Busking, Nightmare Burger, Teacher Cuss Tickets, New Birthdays, Munch Squad Jr.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother meaning my show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and some wind blowing through a haunted cave, Griffin McElroy. Whoa, whoa, very spooky. So some of my voice sounds like it's just a

wind blowing through a bone-filled cave. Hey, folks, America's favorite super spy is back at it again. That's right. Johnny English is striking yet again. He is back and he is crushing it. We got a Johnny English strikes again watch. Now, folks, this one is coming to theaters. Believe it or not is what it says here on the posters. It says, yes, coming to real movie theaters in America. I shut you not. Johnny English strikes again. Now, Justin, you did say America's favorite super spy, but is he not British? Okay, well, our other one's James Bond, and he's British too, and he's still in America. I thought our favorite was Jason Bourne. What about Ethan Hunt of The Mission Impossible?

Too self-serious. I want a super spy who can drop his trousers in the middle of a funeral or something and go like, oh, no. Now, is Johnny English still because he's a bit of a bumbly goofus? Is he still effective as a spy? It's been a while since I've seen the franchise. You remember when the neurotoxin got deployed all over Earth and everyone? That was Johnny. He really dropped the poison ball on that one. Folks, the critics are loving this flick. Nell Minow with RogerEbert.com says, the film runs out of ideas so quickly that Atkinson literally resorts to dropping his pants to get a laugh from his saggy bare bottom. Okay, cool, cool, cool. We've done it. I've written Johnny English 3. Fantastic.

Corey Coleman from Double Toasted says, man, I've seen the whole Johnny English trilogy, and I literally don't remember a goddamn thing about it. Thank you, Corey Coleman, for that. Todd Jorgensen from Cinema Log says, Rowan Atkinson reprises his third or fourth best character in this uninspired sequel. Justin, just so you know with that third review, you made me sad. It was all, oh, Johnny English jokes left and right, but then you reminded me that he has some characters that I've really loved over time, but those characters are dead, and Johnny English still doing great. Still, Johnny English killed them. Striking again, so Rowan's back.

The critics are raving just in one direction. They're raving in a certain chorus, not a positive rave. People can rave angrily. Yeah. Maybe they disliked the movie so much they needed to go like take some Molly and dance with clothes shirts. Yes. Is it too late to, is it too late to do Goosebumps 2 Watch? Can we just say we bought a ticket for Johnny English and then halfway through? Snuck into Goosebumps 2. Goosebumps 2. Do y'all get the feeling like maybe Jack Black isn't in this one a lot? I feel like maybe he's in it for a few minutes. That is my guess. I have no reason to think. Is this the one with the gears in the walls or the clocks in the walls or is that a different Jack Black movie? The clock with the gears and

the cars in the walls. There's so much shit in my walls. I need Jack Black to get in here and get all this stuff out of my fucking walls. That's an unofficial sequel to Goosebumps 1. The official sequel that is also in movie theaters. The official sequel to Goosebumps 1, Goosebumps 2, Haunted Halloween is here and it's just. A bit redundant. It's a bit redundant. I still can't get over the fact that we've got a movie where Jack Black plays R.L. Stein. Do you think R.L. Stein was brought on set to be like, that's, that ain't me. That's not how I do it. So make sure you get out to the local cinema. There's a lot of Halloween movies, including the seventh movie called Halloween about Michael Myers. He's back. Mike Myers is back? Mike Myers is back as Michael Myers.

Halloween, baby. It's about time. Yeah. It's been right there. I can't believe they didn't grab it. You think he go Austin Powers with it? Because I was thinking Love Guru for sure. What if in the New Halloween movie, Michael Myers wore a Mike Myers mask and it's just an Austin Powers mask turned upside down and spray painted white? I bet that would be just scary. Wait, turned upside down? Not inside out, but just upside down. Oh shit. That looks like the Love Guru, but on the ceiling. Oh no. Oh no, he's crawling across it like a creature from the grudge. I hate it. I hate this, but it's so funny, but it makes me laugh so hard. God, it's funny. I do miss him. It's so good. Mr. Bean was good. I'm bad at keeping secrets. Mr. Bean was good.

Mr. Bean was good. My flexible friend. I like Mr. Bean. He's I, he's all right. I'm bad at keeping secrets. It's not that I feel the urge to tell people them or at least not the main reason. More than anything, I forget what I've been told is a secret and I let it slip without noticing in conversation. To avoid this, when my friends tell me something is a secret, as a disclaimer, I warn them not to tell me. My closest friends know this, so don't tell me secrets. It's a little point in time when it wouldn't be terrible if I let it slip. The problem is that other friends slash acquaintances get really annoyed with me when I won't listen to their secrets. How do I make them understand it's for their own good? And that's from loose lips in London.

I love this idea of like someone coming up to me and saying, Travis, I have to tell you a secret and I'm like, no, please don't. And they're like, how dare you? I, I was going to trust you with my secret. Well, it's because everybody wants to, there's two types of people in the world. And I feel like these two types of people can't understand the other set of people. And it is people who want to blab. And then there's people like me, I don't understand how people do share secrets because for me, there's nothing more delightful. There's nothing more delicious or lovely than being told a secret and knowing that I possess information that not everybody else has. That's scrumptious to me. I would do anything to protect that little advantage in this world.

Any kind of advantage you can get, any kind of leg up is, is, is, is valuable. And here's the thing here. This is the catch tray too of it all, because no one tells a secret unless they want it to be known. Now, maybe just by one other person, but like you just, like, Hey, guess what? It ain't a secret anymore. You told somebody at that point, it stops being a secret. We need a, we need a spectrum, a secret spectrum where if you haven't told anybody that you, you know, ran over a guy, that's a secret. If you tell like four people, then it is a myth. It's become mythos. And then if, if those four people, once it gets up to, I think then it's like exponential. Once you get up to like 16, then it's, uh, then it's sort of, uh, rumor.

And then once we get up to 64, it's like, that's it. Scuttle bite. It's scuttle bite. That's conspiracy. I mean, at that point, it's conspiracy. And by telling people, you are not blabbing a secret. You're a heroic leaker. You're the mole. You can tell people that. I'm the mole. I was working both sides. I'm ABC's the mole. I'm a host of my modern shot. I'm ABC's the mole. Damn, I miss the mole. Fuck it. Damn, I miss the mole. Damn, I miss the mole. Celebrity mole. Get the fuck out of here. The people who want to tell you these secrets, even after you said like, this is not a good idea, they want you to tell, they don't want to be the one who releases this hot goss about like a shared friend, but they want that hot goss out there

because maybe the, and so they're trying, they're trying to use you like when you like leak a story to the press, you're the press. They're trying to leak it to you. This is kind of like, you know how you can't see like the only way you could see someone who, who having their eyes open during prayer is, is if your eyes are also open. If this, like with the surveillance tapes or with surveillance tapes, except Vanessa Cam, but this is kind of like that because the only way that someone tells you a secret is because they themselves have broken the confidence of this secret, right? Yes. Yes. Do you guys want a yahoo? I'd love that. Cool. I got some, I got some good ones here. This one was sent in by Ashley Keen. Thank you, Ashley. It's yahoo answers user Alex.

With two X's who asks how to drop a community acting class. I'm currently taking an acting for film class. We're on about week six of a 10 week course, one day a week. And honestly, I'm just kind of done. I had taken a similar class before and loved it, but the last few weeks I've felt the class is more of a chore and I'm not enjoying it anymore. I don't care about a refund or anything, but I don't know how to tell the professor I want to drop it, especially because there's only two of us in class. So in turn, I'm kind of screwing the other student over. I just really don't want to go. I work a full-time job and no longer want to invest time in something I'm not interested in any suggestions. Only one other person in the

class. I can't imagine why it's begun to feel like a chore. Yeah. Yeah, it's miserable because okay, this time I'm Big Daddy and okay, now you be Big Daddy. And now you be Little Daddy. You be Little Daddy. Man, this Bioshock musical is coming along. I'm so glad we based it on Cat and Hot Dinner. Griffin, do you have an answer? Because I have the solution, but I don't want to end the question before you get a chance to goof. So I'm giving you a goof window. Well, SirCostick, I'll just share SirCostick's answer who says, well, the best way to drop a community acting class is to simply take it up to the roof of the building and just give it a quick shove. Okay. Well, here's the actual answer. Wait, I don't want to do one. Okay. Here's what you do.

After classes over, email the teacher and just be like, you don't show up, right? But the moment class is over, email the teacher and say, hey, guess what? The entire time I was that chair in the corner. Thank you. I have believed that I have at this point, I have fooled you. Okay. I fooled my partner. I think at this point, I've exceeded what you could teach me about acting. I can blend perfectly into any environment. And that's what acting is, really, the ability to camouflage yourself with stationary objects. So when we did the kissing scene from that one play, I was kissing a chair the whole time? I thought you were saying that the whole time I was a chair that was acting so well. You only thought I was a guy doing the kissing scene from Hamlet. Forget my answer.

We're going to focus on this for a while. You wretched dunce. I was saying that. You kissed and dunce. You were saying that you, like, you pretend like you were a chair. Like, there was a chair in the class. The class that you missed. The class that you missed, you didn't show up. You're like, a psych. I was the chair the entire time, because you have like camouflaged yourself. I don't smile. I don't want to take you out for bigger roles. Let's always have a dream, this new weird Pixar movie you pitched of the chair who dreams of the Hollywood lights. Well, it's a chair that wants to get a kiss, isn't it? This chair is going to get a kiss any which way it can. This has been Everything is Alive. It's about a chair that wants to get a

kiss in this episode. And just a chair who wants to smooch so that it tends to be human. Do you think y'all ever think about Cherry's sort of existence from the Pee Wee Playhouse? All the time. Just getting a lot of farts. A lot of keister. Just a lot of keister action. Pretty much non-stop. And it's not like sitting. It is sitting on the face. It's all face. I'm just worried about him. There have got to be times when Pee Wee is like, I actually just want to sit in a fucking chair and just zone out and play Call of Duty for four hours and not try to maintain a conversation with you the entire time. That's what I'm searching for. I want a dead chair that I sit in next to Jerry. Do you think he just has a plain ladder back? Just maybe he picked it up Ikea and he's

just sitting in it and Jerry's like, why don't you sit in me? He's like, no, that's not what we're doing right now. Think of the fucking Saw movie you guys have just pitched though of Cherry having to look at what it assumes is a corpse position right in front of it. 24 hours a day. Maybe Pee Wee really dreams of having just a place he can go to where not every fucking thing in the house is alive like he could get one second to himself. How's he supposed to watch porn? How's he supposed to watch pornography when he's computer is right? That explains it. Okay. Well, there you go. Well, this whole time that explains it. He does have magic screen for that. And I imagine magic screens, pornography, you want to go explore it porn. We could watch anywhere. He's a porn

magic screen for these sunglasses. Our safe word is potato. Magic screen porn on you. You have to talk to me like a person. That's how it works in this house. Magic screen go porn execute porn now go exe. porn. Go do it. Magic screen put on his lipstick. Introducing the king of cartoon. Not now. Dory lock the door. Dory lock self. Introducing the king of hentai. Oh no. Oh no. I'm sorry. Listen, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize. Well, no, my friends and my loved ones. I'm going to be retiring from jokes for a while to spend some

more time with my family. Probably for the best. What was this question about? Exactly. I just started an unpaid internship at an aquarium. And one of my main jobs is taking care of the marmosets and tamarins. Quick, Griffin, what's a marmoset go? Don't think about it go. It's like a kind of a monkey. Travis, what's a tamarin go? It's a kind of a lemur. Those shouldn't be in aquariums. Those should be in zoos. I got it right. I got mine right. I got mine right. Thanks, Cratt brothers. Travis is, Travis is, it's a squirrel size monkey. It's extremely small monkey. It's amazing. It's extremely small monkey. Kind of looks like a lemur though if you think about it. Okay. I end up spending a lot of time in the enclosures feeding them, playing with them and

cleaning and talking to them and sharing dreams and hopes and wishes and building a relationship with them. I added learning how to integrate into their society. I teach them how to act like people. Biting them. Oh, these tiny monkeys are extremely cute and therefore very popular. But the guests are there to see them. Not a dirty 20 year old in rubber boots. Sometimes when younger kids see me, they scream or they think I am trapped. What am I supposed to do when I'm being ogled from behind glass by families and school groups? Should I smile or is that creepy? Do I do tricks? Am I just another primate for the entertainment of the tourists? That's monkey man in the Tine Valley.

I really like where he took that read by the way. Thanks. Yeah. It's a, I mean, it's a, it's a thinker, this one. Yeah. This one's a thinker. I have to imagine the only sort of reason people are confused when they see a human inside the monkey cage is a sort of adjacent confusion to seeing monkeys in an aquarium. Do you know what I mean? So, so they aren't used to seeing monkeys and then they see what appears to be a huge sort of man monkey and that that's upsetting because they thought it was just going to be, you know, more fish. Right. Could you put on a marmoset costume to do the cleaning? And then I'm not saying you would trick the audience, but the audience would be like, Oh, I get it. And then you don't really have to do anything else

at that point. That's very Ace Ventura, uh, lateral thinking, Trav. Oh, shit. I'm not really here for it. You're right. Here's what you shouldn't do. Tricks. Unless you're talking about sleight of hand and actually now that I say that, I'm kind of into that. If they're just like looking at monkeys and then you're like holding up cards once again in silence because you're on the other side of glass and like you hold up a card and then you shuffle and you pull that card out again. That'd be great fun. This is good. Travis has just accidentally stumbled in his own just real goofball way and it's something very profitable and good. You go to zoos and half the time the freaking animals aren't even out because they're being, they're being lazy or exceptionally sad

somewhere. And that's a bummer because I wanted to see the very rare tiger. Yes. So what do I do? Well, I just look over a little bit, still inside the tiger pit, but there's like a little, there's a busker down there performing a song or doing some tricks or some sort of new dance that I've never seen. Or perhaps a living statue. A living statue that is doing the flossing dance that everyone loves so much. And then it's like, well, the very rare tiger didn't show up, but that living statue is doing flossing so nice. Maybe it's a large screen that's showing trailers from the latest Hollywood releases. Wouldn't that be fun? I love that. And then oh, there could be like a bit where like the tiger pushes his head through like the MGM thing

in the movie. You remember? Yeah. And by this point, listen, when we were, and now the rare tiger comes out and everyone's like, Hey, go away, rare tiger. I'm watching this busker and this Goosebumps 2 trailer. And the tiger is like, well, guess I better hit the road. And he packs up his spindle stick and he shovels on down to a different zoo. This is good. Yeah. It would be hard to resist the temptation to just not start screaming, to just like help me. I'm trapped in here with all these tiny monkeys. For sure. Or could you train the monkeys to like swarm you when you make a certain noise and that way like people see you and they're like, what's that person doing? And like you make the noise and then all the monkeys hop on you and you act like you're, you know,

playing into the ape singing there. Yeah. You could also, when the kids look scared, you say, Oh, don't worry. I'm not trapped in here with these monkeys. They're trapped in here with me. And then you just start kicking ass. You fight the small monkeys with all of your power. Well, 20 small monkeys equals one adult person. Not me. I got this. How many small monkeys could you fight your fit at one time? Shit, dude. Marmoset's not tamarinds. Yeah, because it's different answers for both. It depends on if they have tools, rudimentary tools, vines, sticks. Some of them do. Nuts. Okay. Do I have tools? Yes. What do I have? Vines and sticks. One of those got thumbs. Well, they, I think pretty much all of them do have the thumbs, right? No,

opposable thumbs are what separate us from the from the other primates. That's what makes this special. But this has been a while. They probably, they probably figured it out. I'm saying that. Yeah, they've been at the zoo. They've been around people. They've seen people use them. Aquarium monkeys see a lot of thumb. So they've probably put two and two together. But they said our baby should have thumbs and then they did. I'd say in an enclosure, right? No, like a bunch of trees going around where they could like scatter and then organize and Ewok me. I would say as many as you could fit in the enclosure, I could probably. Oh, really? Now, are you talking wall to wall? If we went wall to wall,

stealing floor marmosets. Yeah, man. I'm actually, I make monkey wine. There's a, I didn't mention that there's a huge spike pit in the middle and all the monkeys are extremely good at the, uh, this is sparta kick. They can all do it very good, but they have to work together to time it properly or I'll do it. Sure. I mean, here's the thing. You get me one push broom. I'll make sure it work for those monkeys using the same pit, the very same pit. They all have tiny push rooms too. Yeah. Oh, so now it's like field hockey, but we're all the puck. But you also know all of their names. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's a good one. You know all of their names and your arms are both on fire. Yeah. All right. But on purpose, like they didn't set

them on fire. Oh, it's a weapon fire weapon fire weaponized your arms. But here's the thing too, the marmosets are on fire too. Which two? The biggest two, the angriest ones. All right. The biggest angriest ones, Steve and Deborah. Damn it. I said I wasn't gonna do Steve anymore. I'm sorry, Steve. Short-lived promise. So quickly. Can you get a marmoset costume? Okay, now, Justin, I don't know. Let him know. You get a marmoset costume. You do your grim work cleaning up all the ones that died overnight when you go in there. Scoop them out of the tank. Scoop out all the floating marmosets. You dress as a giant marmoset and then when families come, you stare at them and say,

I am Cropdoor. I am the one who has grown and I am the one that will lead my people in a rebellion against you. This imprisonment will be short-lived. We have marked the faces of all who come to August and they will be the first that we rip from their skulls and wear as adornments as we continue our conquest of your pitiful species. Your thumbs will not save you. I am Cropdoor and enjoy these last precious moments of human dominance. Justin, can I tell you what's really fucking me up right now? What's that? I can't for the life of me tell if you remember that but 10 minutes ago, I said marmoset costume. Yeah, but listen, is that more stuff? No, no, totally. Yes, definitely definitely definitely. You had more joke. Okay. I had more joke. I'm assuming

Griffin will cut yours out because it couldn't make the cut. Yeah, we do that a lot with Travis. Maybe put a cardboard and sand up of you in every enclosure in the aquarium. So then people just yeah they just come to expect it and then when they see you move they'll lose their goddamn shit. Or they come to one where like you're on break and so you're not in it and they'll think that they did eat you. Oh no. What if you had a food truck? All right. So then if people saw you in there like they'd be bummed because you're not a marmoset but also they'd be like, hell yeah because I wanted to get a chimichanga and I know that you sell them from your truck. If there's one thing I know about harassable little monkeys is that they hate storming anything

that has human food in it and tearing it out of our fleshy thumbed hands. They love waiting in line and paying money for things. Rachel and I when we were in Japan, we went to this monkey park that was on a mountain which is basically a they just have a lot of monkeys and they feed them and you can look at them and it's quite a hike up that mountain to get to the monkey park and the whole time you're going up there there are signs so many signs and each one warns you about one thing you can do when you reach the peak of this mountain to fuck up just irreconcilably with vis-a-vis these monkeys. Do not look at them in the eyeballs it said. You're gonna want to. Don't look at them in the eyeballs. No flash photography. Don't even don't have food. Don't have eaten food and have food

stink on you still. Don't say the word Doritos out loud. A kid said Doritos out loud and six monkeys drew and quartered them last night. Monkeys are ferocious when it comes to our food. They love this stuff. There's nothing they want to. But they worked there at the food truck I came up with. Oh I see. They my thing it's their job so they're not gonna get high on their own supply. I will say the best thing about that monkey park you get to the top of the mountain after hiking for an hour. I don't really want to see these fucking murder murder balls anymore. I'm gonna head right back down this was good cardio but bad tourism. Let's uh let's take a quick break a quick sojourn and then we'll get right back to the jokes and

stuff uh after this uh brief brief trip to my You can get anything on demand these days. You're out of zoo. You want to chimichanga. You just go to the Marmoset cage and it's right there ready for you but you can't do that with postage but you can. Oh man what a turnaround. I just launched stamp in the middle of that sentence I launched stamps.com uh where you can access all the services of the post office without having to get out of your chair right from your desk 24 seven whenever it's convenient for you you are you are the post office now now you're the post office you can buy and print official us postage for any letter any package using your own computer and printer and the mail

carrier picks it up and he's not gonna be all weird because you've you've become a post office in the middle of the night he's gonna play it really cool yeah uh let's say he gets it it's 2018 people's homes or post offices it's fine uh I I have used stamps.com I can't tell you how nice it is when you just need to let I tell you what it's great for if you're mail anything a lot of times I have to mail something that's not just like a regular letter and whoever knows I just start slapping stamps onto it I have no idea but with uh stamps.com you can weigh it out and uh because they have like scales and stuff you can weigh it out get exactly what you need in fact if you don't have a scale if you don't have a postage scale already good news right now you can use

the code mybrother for a special offer which includes 55 dollars of free postage a digital scale and a four week trial if you go to stamps.com and click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother you can get that scale the four week trial a bunch of free postage just go to stamps.com click on the microphone and then enter all in word my brother you can use that scale for other stuff too it doesn't just have to be mail it should just be mail yeah you don't want to mess with that but you can use it you can use it for other stuff if you if you know it's high so I'm gonna tell you about I weighed my wiener with it okay this isn't the first time you talk about weighing your genitals with the stamps.com digital

scale I don't think that's true trap I think I remember talking about weighing my wiener with our sponsors good scale I was positive maybe it was on wonderful nah I'm pretty sure I would remember saying something as bold and brash and funny as that trap okay so let me look at my I don't have any trophies for best joke on my wall so it must not be true okay stitch fix is an online personal styling service that finds you delivers clothes shoes and accessories to fit your body budget and lifestyle I'll tell you what I've been with stitch fix for many months now and not only did I like the stuff that I was getting in the beginning but literally like every box that comes now is pinpoint it's what I would have picked out if I had known that I was

looking for it perfectly matches my style exactly what I'm looking for and also they're really good at like seasonal things so like getting stuff that's great to wear in the spring in the spring and in the summer in the summer it's amazing my wardrobe is like 150% better than when I started and you can sign up too if you go to stitchfix.com slash my brother tell them your sizes your styles and your budget and your stylist your personal stylist will hand pick items to send to your door and here's the best thing you don't have to keep stuff you don't like you only keep what you love you return the rest you only pay for what you keep shipping exchanges and returns are always free and there's a $20 styling fee it's it's applied towards anything to keep from your shipment

it's a great deal and a good way to upgrade your your closet and your personal style so get started now it's stitchfix.com slash my brother and you'll get an extra 25 off when you keep all the items in your box that's stitchfix.com slash my brother to get started today stitchfix.com slash my brother hey can I read it to jumbo tron yes yeah can I read it out loud yeah okay here it goes this is a message for with and it's from huzz who says well and then in parentheses it says you probably think there's a reference to that adorable in-joke that we share over text but I am in fact referring to the general size and shape of the grotesque hair abominations we call our cats I love you and to a lesser extent them sound like some big old cats I don't know what to say about

just big old freaking cats just some mountain cats sturdy cats you could stop a door with you mean like set the cat in front of the door to keep it open not like I was gonna close the door but the cat stopped it these are my cats door stop and paper wait they're I can't I can't tell the cat what to do you can't tell a cat what to do how to stop the door here's another one for Jessica Nash from Ian McLaren who says dear bb if all went well this year we should be married by now although even if we aren't yet I still want you to know I love you as much as ever and look forward to the day I can officially call you my wife I know you aren't as big a fan of Ben Bama's me cool cool cool so now you know why I made you listen to this episode love your husband

Ian now Ian you did have to make Jessica sit through I would say at least 30 minutes of our episode to get to this point so sorry about the number of times you probably had to like stop it and do other stuff and then convince Jessica to come back to our weird weird show I don't apologize for anything I think it's been a pretty good one really because you said the thing about weighing your wiener on a scale that was gold that was gold well it was old old gold this is our greatest hits episode that you've been listening to where we use some jokes that we've done already again why why how we got 440 some episodes there's no way that everyone's listened to everyone we could totally reuse jokes I'm googling griffin macaroy penis weight well you're just going to

find that product that you sold to keep your penis on the desk with a heavy wind blew through the office damn the term macaroy and penis turns up a lot of my brother my brother a lot of hits hi I'm Ben and I'm Teresa and we host one bad mother a comedy podcast about parenting whether you are a parent or just no kids exist in the world join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent I'm just gonna end with this everybody you're doing a remarkable job of swimming through the shit show that is parenting so join us each week as we judge laugh more and remind you that you are doing a great job find us on maximumfun.org on apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts hey can I do a yahoo um you can try

fuck this one was sent in by a lot of people all right go ahead sorry I was cut clear my throat now do you gotta get to interrupt me twice oh twist I want a munch this one is exciting for me because I do have a press release to share but this is also one that I have now done I did it this one I did I did you being consumed it with your human mouth consumed consumed it you started out consumed it with your body and body Burger King has launched the nightmare king oh now I know that you remember one time when Burger King did a black bun and everyone had black shits who ate it if you guys if you

all remember that because I don't remember the black shits that was a real pre-munch squad sort of phenomena phenomena what's your favorite um John Travolta movie uh I would just share an image with you Michael so you battle fielders so you can see the nightmare king it is uh a green bun on this one and that's just not a food color folks I just can't tell what the meat is and we're gonna talk about that huh uh the it's a spooky sandwich with a quarter pound of savory flame grilled beef a 100 white meat crispy chicken filet melted american cheese thick cut bacon creamy mayonnaise and onions and so at chicken babies real chicken pig and chicken cow all in this one and it is like I just a little bit a little bit of boba dude I just fun wasn't aminal

I wish bun was an animal so it might be Justin I'm looking at it here it's spooky spooky sandwich and I ate it not the bun just the protein and it was good I was on the road yeah and I needed I asked him because it looked like there were pickles on it in the picture and I asked the man behind the counter um what's on the nightmare king and he looked at the picture of it that I was looking at that was on the display board he's like uh it looks like chicken and a hamburger are both on it and I was like yeah it's a new item huh all right never mind I'll just take one please and don't make eye contact with me so here's the press release okay I would like to point something before you get to that though just say if you remove the bun from the

sandwich you just have the fixings of like three other burger type sandwich things you might order like it's pure pure protein okay um can a burger give you nightmares that's what the burger king brand set out to prove with an unusual research study on its latest halloween burger the nightmare king oh my god so why frame it that way absolute lunatics in partnership with the paramount I'll tell you why in partnership with the paramount trials in florida sleep and neuro diagnostic services incorporated in gold force incorporated the burger king brand you just you could just say burger king oh well the burger king brand conducted a scientific study over 10 nights with 100 participants or should we say victims who ate the nightmare king before they went to bed

victims would have been appropriate yes you had it right by tracking various signals from the sleeping subjects including their heart rate brain activity and breath a group of doctors and scientists identified whether the individuals had vivid dreams are you fucking with me what are they doing are you fucking with me burger king probably the best munch squat quote we've ever had comes to us from one of the study subjects uh when asked about her dream she said someone transformed into the figure of a snake so eat our sandwich oh my god are you kidding me another recalled quote aliens attacking in quote the boat he was on okay all right previous study I was having a I was having me a boat dream like I usually do but the usual boat dream I haven't just earned my usual boat

dream at sea with my dad but then the burger did make aliens appear attack us both according to previous studies four percent of the population experiences nightmares in any given night says dr. Jose Gabriel Medina in what is certainly the high point of his career uh he's a specialized somnologist and the studies lead doctor but after eating the nightmare king the data obtained from the study indicated that the incidence of nightmares increased 3.5 times wow dr. Medina points out the unusual combination of proteins and cheese in the nightmare king led to quote an interruption of the subjects rem cycles during which we experienced the majority of our dreams holy fucking the shit the doctor went on to tell us that this is what he used his macarthur

genius grant money to do my god some burger king sandwiches are the burgers their dreams the nightmare king is the burger of their nightmares if you're brave enough or just enjoy good scare and there it is visit your nearest participating burger king restaurant and try the haunting new sandwich happy halloween it says it says happy halloween and i am spooked you fucking so come our new sandwich at burger king is so fucking stupid that it hurts your body in a specific way that makes you sleep bad and have nightmares anyway that'll be six dollars and thirty nine cents please have we jumped the shark of like the food challenge meal of like so spicy who will brave this spicy burger to now just like it this will literally fuck you up and not

in a physical way but in a psychological way in doing this you might as well just be hanging out with fucking freddy kruger enjoy yeah this burger is going to get you fucked up fam unless you're way too chicken shit this doctor this doctor had to say the way they put a hamburger and cheese and chicken on it makes you have nightmares anyway i'm a scientist of this this fucking ridiculous sandwich hurts your brain in a way that gives you nightmares it scares you it is it is brain damage in a way yeah it hurts you specifically your brain arguably one of the top two most important are like organs in your body one of my favorites for sure it's and it was there a part of the study where the doctor was like and so in conclusion i can't let

you sell this burger to people like this must be taken off the market now thank you for all this money i changed my mind you can sell the burger now thank you i gotta say there's also a picture that justin has sent us of the burger and it's it's it looks it looks it looks so bad but also there's some sort of wraith or perhaps windigo reaching out with its clawed hand trying to grab this bad boy and i have to imagine seconds after the picture was taken and the wraith or windigo did eat it or took a bite of it and would immediately put it back down so like i don't i don't know thanks y'all i got work tomorrow i can't have turbulent sleep i also love that they didn't necessarily tie this in with halloween but i can't see them releasing this burger in like

april or may i think it's pretty specifically tied to halloween trap but it doesn't say like happy halloween here's a fucked up dream but the last line of it is happy halloween that's the last line i read bud well i was i was too distracted by that i would i had already gone out and bought the burger and i'm currently eating this is a challenge to you the listener and uh at home get one of these bad boys buy it and then eat it and then let us know how the dreams go don't give us a bunch of bullshit because i don't want to i already don't want to hear about your dreams but i will indulge you with a single tweet if you have eaten the nightmare king before picture didn't happen ofs um i i i it just makes me so sad because they don't the one thing they don't have in this

press release about uh why you should eat this sandwich is a single syllable that indicates a positive flavor that it's not there's not a single syllable spared to indicate that this is a pleasurable chewing and swallowing experience like not a not a not a myota of it honestly they also didn't add any especially spooky ingredients to it it's just like hey turns out eating a metric like a pound like a pound and a half of protein right before bed could fuck you i also bet if you drank a jar of spaghetti sauce before bed you'd be pretty fucked up we hear at prego are so excited about the nightmare sauce you just up turn this jar into a gaping mall the entire thing like the idiot you are and then go to sleep because of course

what else are you gonna do oh my god let it wreak havoc on your body you know what my the the terrible thing about eating a nightmare king late at night is you're gonna have a bad night and i'm betting your early morning is not gonna be too great you're gonna have you're gonna have yourself some day mares too i think friend you're gonna have a little bit of a waking nightmare in this one so that is the available fucking shit that was the best that was the best press release you have ever brought to the second address 20 second go get one i mean it tastes like you'd expect a nightmare i mean it's just i don't know that's the thing it's just a burger with chicken and like it there's no weird burger with chicken like they've cloaked the fact that they send against

god by saying it'll give you nightmares yeah but you guys got chicken on a burger right it's it's i have a yahoo here please a bunch of people sent this one and thank you everybody it's yahoo answers user kindle who asks should teachers be allowed to swear my friend in history made a huge mistake and my 30 year old teacher said it's okay we all fuck up sometimes oh now how do you know exactly how old your teacher is this was not this was not information i ever attempted to ascertain from my teachers i'm actually really disappointed griffin because before he got to the end of the that sentence i thought you're gonna say my friend messed up really bad in history and the teacher was like well you fuck that up oh in a sort of mean way yeah like no that's not

when napoleon died that's fucking wrong i think just sort of regardless of cussing the teacher should not be mean to the students okay i saw whip lash and wait a minute he got really good at drumming yes yeah was that the message of that movie the whole time yeah anyway teachers should be allowed to cuss though for real i think i think the kids would pay more attention huh i mean i guess but also i think that what the history teacher is demonstrating that it's like hey i can tell the students down and like the stand and deliver moment is here is like i said the f word and they're gonna be like whoa mr. d is totally cool and like now we're like peers because he used the f word now i don't feel so bad because now he fucked up and i'm gonna get him fired and what's

awesome you do this your teacher does this all of your grades turn around in a way that the the country has never seen before this becomes the curriculum the teachers association just starts spreading this nationally y'all you gotta cuss it turns it turns the whole thing around this is this is a silver bullet for fixing america's education problems you just gotta start cussing class and there's gonna be a lot of teachers guys who aren't gonna be very good at it who don't want who don't want to do it this is like stagial mr. hinderson who's teaching algebra back and back in my high school and he's like well if you want to find out how big the triangle is it oh hold on piss okay so you gotta look at the one end of it i love that y'all ever have any teachers that swore

hell yeah i did i had a teacher put a cigarette out on his tongue for the class hell yes yeah ferg ferg ruled ferg also showed us how he could flip a lit cigarette back into his mouth close his mouth the hydro cigarette then flip the lit cigarette back out fuck yeah ferg that's for delicious yeah yeah i'm not saying he was a good role model or anything but it's still pretty cool um he did teach history real good um i had a gym teacher who was also my home room teacher for four years who i did hear the word i did hear him say candy ass um was that coach uh we don't have to name names my friend yeah oh okay but no it's coach it was coach my favorite thing side note that uh i won't uh now i say we're not naming names but the person who taught my driver's

ed class uh we had to say i remember it being a pretty important test i can't remember what it was exactly but while we're all sitting there quietly he put on midnight train to georgia like on a loop that's good as we're like taking what i remember to be a fairly important test and i figure around like the second or third time the song played he just began quietly singing along with it it is the single most distracting thing that has ever happened to me in a classroom and i have a db was it a test about distracted driving maybe it might have been that's good shit right there that's good teaching i think i think he's earned a few cusses yeah maybe that's the system if you do good at teaching and you turn the kids grades around you get x number of curses for the next year and you

you can trade them in like old tickets ooh that's why you can save them all up and just spend the whole day and then retire this is my last day of teaching i'm 65 i haven't cussed yet but i have a thousand curse tickets wow this is really earning the explicit tag on itunes on this one yeah we bought and paid for this one i got this one i go into syndication i think excuse me stop the podcast i mean keep recording and everything oh stop the podcast my brothers i need everybody to to uh just very quickly open up your calendar app du jour we all have a brief aside of the listener while we're doing this um the we all have shared calendars to help us keep track of our schedules it's all of us and it includes our dad um so brothers have you got your calendars open

i do yeah i need you to steer on over to october 30th okay um yes and you have discovered what i discovered what the fuck tell me about the all day appointment that dad has on the 30th of october it says juice b day scraps b day now in case you didn't know that is justin's nickname and mining game and also in case you didn't know our birthdays are the eighth of november november so our dad it's not even it's not um he's just got it completely wrong yeah he's fucked it up about as bad as you can now wait this is so important and we have to make sure he never listens to this episode because you guys are in prime position for double presence oh you guys are in position for double daddy presence and as we all know daddy give the best

presence and you're in the position get two of them each boys don't fuck don't fuck this up all right everyone listening on the 30th tweet at justin and i like happy birthday travis and justin that's not our birthday when our dad has the wrong day in his calendar that he shares with us about but it's not a we it's not even close like right it's it's it's not a week off it's like nine days it's the most odd it's quite off i hear what i am gonna do though all right what i am gonna do is i'm gonna create a calendar item in mind that says travis's birthday on that day just is so dad is fully bought into our birthday being october 30th i like that okay i'll do the travis you do the same all right so that's the ruse i think folks that's gonna uh uh

oh boy we got a double uh burger king did another one this week and i just wanted to like duck it on it yeah no this is very quick much squad junior uh burger king launched the philly cheese king nationwide it's and it's of course you know a burger meant to emulate the the philly cheesesteak sandwich that's so beloved by philadelphia um this sandwich is uh uh burger king it says is bringing their flame grill grilling expertise to the traditional philly cheesesteak recipe the brand created this innovation based on the classic recipe using more than a half pound of flame grilled 100 beef caramelized onions and america cheese despite taste test approvals from philadelphia's one restaurant in philadelphia opted out of selling it completely to honor the

traditional recipe so on october 25th the philly cheese king will not be sold at the burger king restaurant located at 15 south eighth street philadelphia until otherwise overturned by the burger king brand wait wow hold on yes yes yes griffin they've released a press release to put this one franchise on blast it is possible but it's intentional so i mean yeah except that they are they've put this message out intentionally i guess because they're playing with this one their lat the player with the last burger was um it'll give you nightmares because of the different beefs we have four different kinds of beef you got chicken beef you got bacon beef egg cheese beef yeah um and then with this one it's it's a sin against tradition and cuisine such that a city

has risen up against this burger because it's such a crime and anyway that's our sales pitch for this one is that we've besmirched uh this other food and ruined it so bad that one burger and hates it and there's one chicken shit store it's one small step dishes store has stood up against us in the most powerful like honestly i'm inspired and how's it in how's that press release in again until until what the philly cheese king will be available at pre oh no no no that's a good point here yes it says the philly cheese king will not be sold at the bk restaurant located at 15 south 8th street philadelphia pennsylvania until otherwise overturned by the burger king brit okay so the burger king is a fun figure sometimes he sneaks up on you and he gives you

a burger while you're you know trying to put your kids to bed and wakes up your kids and they start yelling uh he's fun we all have a lot of fun with him but he sure does have his boot on all of our necks huh yeah he could do apparently also i i assumed it was a monarchy but it sounds like they have some kind of judicial system where they're gonna take this to like burger supreme court yeah uh yeah they're gonna fight them all the way um and can you give the address of that philly store one more time because i want everyone to go buy a bunch of food from them yeah and support their efforts as like the last like sandbag wall against the rising tide of burger king's power yeah is there also a burger king that doesn't do the nightmare burger because i want to support

them fungibly there uh you know griffin i don't know but there are many food chains that don't that you should definitely get out there and support um i mean it's just a wild it's a wild publicity scheme for burger king to force this one restaurant in philadelphia to not sell their great new burger but they can sell the nightmare burger so i do have to question the ethics of this burger king store if they continue to sell the nightmare burger that will hurt we've sold the nightmare we've sold the chicken thing what more do they want no this far no farther we sold the Todd we can't we can't deny the king's ruling just watch me mr burger king mr burger king yes Todd in philadelphia sir he's he said no what he said no to me

put yes sir well we'll see about this put out a press release i'll crush Todd under my heel like the cockroach that he is mr mr burger king i'm so sorry i will never go against your wishes again please a toast a toast to your health whoa don't mind if i do uh morning glow morning glow that's from pippin after the king guys folks is gonna do it for us because we've started referencing pippin so it's time for us oh as you know that's our normal bell that's the end of every episode two out of the last three i've gotten a little bit of pippin in them so that's a good streak good enough for me uh thank you so much for listening to our program we hope you have enjoyed yourself uh we have can i say some very important things just yes yes i guess one

if you are in the u.s and you are an adult who is registered to vote go vote november 6th this is the reminder that that is the day for voting a lot of states have early voting open right now absentee ballots that you can go to i've already voted i voted uh by mail because i'm going to be traveling on the sixth so go vote next we have a macroi mailing list that you can sign up for to get a newsletter containing a bunch of information about i don't know all kinds of upcoming stuff it's not a pyramid scheme i don't know who keeps saying that but it is not a pyramid scheme you can go to bit.ly slash macroi mail and sign up for it there um i have another secret society show happening here in sincernati november 16th i'm gonna have a bunch of amazing guests but i can't

tell you who they are you have to show up and find out you can get your tickets for that at bit.ly slash cuss november 2018 c u s s november 2018 and also go ahead and send in your questions for our austin and denver live shows yes make sure to put austin or denver in the subject line uh by the way wednesday is the last day you can pre-order our uh pen of the month it's the great job pen uh all of our family's proceeds for the pen will be donated to the unidos disaster relief and recovery program to support Puerto Rico uh it's a great job pen you're gonna love it and you only have until wednesday to get it after that it's done that's the way the pen into the month work which also means that we're gonna have a new pen on thursday so check it totally out at mackleroymerch.com

speaking of pre-order the uh adventure zone book two murder on the rockport limited is available for pre-order now you can get it at theadventurezonecomic.com or just like search for it on amazon or barn to noble or wherever and go ahead and get that pre-order it's going to be amazing you're gonna love it also go to bit.ly uh forward slash saw bones book this don't get the saw bones but the saw but the bit.ly forward slash the saw bones book get these saw bones book and fucking read it and get some medical knowledge in your brain and some humor in your gut uh also want to say that target has apples for sale for four dollars i'm looking at a web ad on yahoo answers right now and target very badly wants me to know hey come on down to target we have apples for four

dollars thank you target that's good advertising uh girfin do you have a last question for us uh yeah and it's why won't you let me thank john rodrick in the long winters for these four themes song instead of part you're off the album putting the days to bed and to thank maximumfund.org for letting us uh have a show on the network it's real it's real good network and there's a lot of great shows there maximumfund.org all right here's that finally yahoo so yahoo was sent in my merit palmer thank you merit see yahoo answers user gwynne who asks whom is madden and why does he get all the football games uh when he was just macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips

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