My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 432: Hand Dog and Face Cat

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

The time for fence-sitting has come to an end. We must all now decide between the two ghoulish, mind-poisoning animal companions that will bring our hearts and homes one step closer to Hell. This decision is too important to goof up. Follow your heart. Suggested talking points: Choppa Papa, Meats, The World's Two Most Horrible Pets, Big Earther, Cookie Punch, Christmas Doll

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Frank and Stein was the first in line. Wolfman came up next. Dracula wasn't doing his stuff. Breathing down my neck. Jump back, make tracks, here comes a hunchback. Better get out of his way. Phi Phi Phi Phi, foe foe from it was a monsters holiday. Hey folks, welcome to part three of our

Halloween 2018. Yeah. Celebration, the prices. Justin, can I, scullabration? Well, see, I said celebration because we slashed prices on all the late model fords that we've got cluttered up, rushing over on the floor. We gotta make room for the 2020s, people. The 2020s are coming in. We got Ford Cadillacs. We got Ford Priuses. We got Ford Lincoln's.

We got all the Fords. We got the new Ford Prius. It runs on hate. Yeah. That one's coming in. That one's coming in at 36 large. You can walk out of the showroom in it for $34. And then that one's yours.

You're gonna drive that puppy home today. Bag credit, no credit, reverse credit. My credit, your credit. Oh shit, we owe you money. All right, damn. With prices so low, it's scary. Please come in and let us settle our debts with you. Please.

Please, we owe you a car. We feel so guilty. That time when you saved our life, we owe you this car, please. Hey, come on in. We just refilled the soda machine and now we got hot dogs. Please, come in. You froze Griffin in a block of ice

so that you would come look at him. Oh, I'm frozen, let me out. They didn't add a pee hole. Oh no. It's just filling up. You gotta say your fucking name in the name of the show, I am in hell. My name is Justin McIlroy and I'm the oldest

broother. Okay. My name is Travis McIlroy and I am the middleest broother. Come up with your own thing. Well, you didn't really come up with your own thing, so. I'm your youngest broother and 30 big skeletons, Griffin McIlroy.

30 big skeletons sitting on each other's shoulders and driving a late model Honda that's gotta get out of this showroom. We are out of room between all the skeletons and these late model Hondas and Ford's and Ford Hondas. We need you to come take some of them because they're in the bathroom and we haven't been able to use the bathroom for weeks.

Folks, if you don't come by these cars, these 30 tiny skeletons sitting on each other's shoulders just in a trench coat are gonna come take them all and I hate it. I hate it when they're around. We don't know how to drive, but we'll gone in 60 seconds your ass and your full family's ass.

Yes, please, please come. And listen, we'll give you the money directly. No need to go through a blood bank. All right. Okay, well, I think that was a 30 second radio spot. And this is also an advice show for the margin era. We're pumping them full of gas before you take them off a lot.

Pumping them full of gas, that's really good. Do you think people are confused because when they're listening to this, it is November 5th? Yeah, so you do wanna vote tomorrow, but we figure a lot of people, a lot of famous people that you trust are telling you to do that and you should obviously do that

and Future Us is probably telling you to do that as well, but past us, it's the 31st and we're just trying to fucking kick it for like a second if you could just let us kick it. Fuck it, people talk about Christmas for weeks and weeks and weeks. Sure. Before and after.

We're supposed to do, not after that, Trav, to be fair, not after usually, you normally hear people in mid-January like, damn, I love Jesus at his birthday, seeing it all, his miracles. I feel like there is a window between the 25th and the 1st where you can still have some remnant Christmas. The week between. Yes, of course, the dead zone.

Yes. And we have as many late-model forts and Hondas as we need. Excepting no trade-ins. No trade-ins. There's one Mazda on the lot. If you find the Mazda, it's yours. Great.

Please, if you find a red sports car with a giant girl that looks like a mouth, that is a teenager that we are waiting to cool off so he'll transform back. Please don't buy this turbo-team. We were getting so late in the year to make our turbo-team reference for 2018. Thank God we got there.

When the turbo-team transforms back, we always focus on the one transformation into the car. If there's someone driving the turbo-team when he transforms back, does the turbo-team just absorb them or does he? The word is digest, Griffin, when a human being. Well, or is it just like he's standing in human form but he has two sets of every appendage?

Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? A real Zayfahed-Beeblebrock situation. As he transforms back at the end, you're just left with your finger in his mouth. Oh. Yeah, so then it's just awkward, but it's fine. But if his finger is spicy,

if he just takes some Flamin' Hot Cheetos, here I go again on my own. And then you back in and drive it. That's actually the only way to get into boy car. That's the keys. If you're taking a long road trip with your friend turbo-team, you just have to keep sticking your spicy finger into his mouth every 20 minutes.

Are there times when turbo-team regains consciousness and he's naked on a highway with oncoming traffic coming at him because he didn't get spicy foods? Yes. If turbo-team car gets in a crash and transforms back into human, what's he look like? Is he all messed up?

Does he get all checked up? If he has a bladder infection and it burns when he pees, does he turn into a turbo car? I don't remember any of this show, but I do wonder what kind of mysteries or adventures they were having since a bunch of teens and their one friend who's a car sometimes are equally as threatening

as a bunch of teens, one of whom is rich enough to own a car. Because that's basically their superpower is they know how to get a car for a second. The only superpower I can imagine turbo-team having is like one of the bad guys lifts him up and while he is above the bad guy's head, he eats a pepper.

He eats a buffalo tender. Squish. Crushes him. This is gonna freak you guys out. Do you know that there were exactly and only 13 episodes of turbo-team ever made? Really? We have probably talked more about turbo-team

it would take you to watch the entirety of the program. The entire duration of the program. From September 8th, 1984 to December 1st, 1984 and that's it folks, that's the ball game. That's all you got of turbo-team, which will be let me run the math, 35 years old. Damn, it's older than me. Now hold on, you said 84?

So I was only about a year old, Griffin was still two years away from being born. How do I know about this show? Just from you telling me about it when you were four, Justin? I guess I was just wild about it and telling this baby that lives in my house about the car that can transform into a person, I guess. I got a reboot and it's about a grandpa

that whenever he eats sour food, turns into a helicopter. That's pretty good. And it's called, can I please let me tie this? It's called choppa-papa. Choppa-papa. Choppa-papa. Choppa-papa. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh boy, that's very good. Or Sky Grandpa. The Sky Grandpa sounds like when you've retranslated it back from the Japanese title. Overseas will be known as Sky Grandpa, but here, choppa-papa. What if we did a crossover event? We set the reboot in the world of Pixar's Cars

and this will be like whenever Mater eats some cold food, he turns into a man. Oh, I would love to see that. I would love to see what just a human looks like in that world. Should we do advice? Cause it's been almost 10 minutes now. I'm starting to get a little antsy

that it's gonna be one of those episodes. My boss and I were working on a project on my computer and she asked me to bookmark a link. Probably for murder.com or ghost.org or something spooky. Something like that. Something like that. Haunted.pizza. Haunted.pizza.

Hey, oh, hold on real quick. Sorry, stop the podcast. You gotta get excited. Hey Griffin. Hey Griffin. Can you stop the podcast? Yeah, I'll pause it. Go ahead and everybody stop your podcasts please.

And that is, yeah. Okay folks, $38. I don't mind if I do, Haunted.pizza is your home. Yes, we got it. We got it folks. Everybody relax. Haunted.pizza is your home for the latest and greatest in podcasting.

Okay, so I got Haunted.pizza, let's move on. How do you do that so fucking fast? That was not edited. Justin really did that that fast. It's wild. Do you just keep it open when we record? Do you just have like the cursor over the box to enter in? I'm just always logged into our domain host

and I know the interface, like the back of my hand at this point. Yeah, at this point I would say. How's that domain host, do they call you now and they're like, hey, are you okay? We're worried about you. No, they're like, you're gonna be rich someday when Team Google pays off.

I'm like, yeah, I know. My boss. At what point did the bank stop calling you for fraud alerts for this exact purpose? Right around this time that I sold them pressxdjson.com to redirect to fifth, third. Anyway. Okay, so, boss working on project computer bookmark link.

When I did the computer gave me the option to put the bookmark in one of the bookmark folders that I have set up. The first folder on my list is labeled meats. My boss saw the name of the folder and said meats, MEATS, by the way, and then chuckled. I didn't think anything of it because the folder was full of links

about different game meat vendors that I had been researching for Christmas present. After a few minutes, I realized that my boss likely thought that my meats folder was a cheekily named folder where I keep all of my porn links. By then, enough time had passed, I couldn't backtrack or explain the name of the folder without looking like I was trying to cover up

having a folder of porn links. So, brothers, what's the best way to casually convey to my boss that I don't have a folder of porn on my work computer without making it seem like he thinks he doth protest too much situation? That's from Not A Dirty Bird in Brooklyn. All right, I mean, you can't fix this. You can't fix this, you cannot fix this

because you could say like, no, no, no, no, come back here and look in my game meats folder. You're going to love it. I have so many venisons and they're just gonna think that you fucking changed it since they were last there. It is because that is a really wild sort of, like, usually I don't take it on this tack with our listeners, but I think you're lying.

I do think you have pornography in there and then now you're like protesting too much that you like had to email the entire universe by way of our show about it. Man, this is tough. You should, this is something that other people can learn from. You shouldn't overthink things.

You should just sort of say whatever the obvious thing is sometimes, you know? You don't have to overthink it. Sometimes if somebody questions something, you shouldn't get too lost in the pros and cons, the whys and wherefores and why not. Just say, I'm going to buy meat for Chris's. And do say that specifically.

Don't say, I'm shopping for Chris's presents for you so I can't tell you about it because that does seem non-legit. Yeah. Hey, why are you bookmarking a bunch of meat for a present? I've never worked this hard for a present in my entire life. How many different options are you looking at that you can't keep track of them in your head?

Yeah, that's wild. I don't believe you. Yeah, it's not true, it's a falsehood. I kind of was thinking about it. I was trying to give you a bit of a doubt with just, I don't believe you, kind of. I don't actually believe what you're saying. I think that the boss caught you.

Okay, if I could back up for a second. I'm sorry that I got so suspicious of you. I thank you for your support over the years. I assume that you're going to maximumfund.org slash donate and give me money to the show. And I so appreciate that, thank you. I'll believe you if you do that, that's easy. Yeah, that's an easy one, slam dunk.

I don't know that your boss necessarily thinks it's a porn thing because that would be wild to have a folder on your computer called Meets and that's for porn. That's like very close, that's barely, that's a semi-cloak. That's not even actually cloaking it.

Everybody's porn links are in the same directory and it's labeled Productivity and a Finance. Spreadsheets for business, it's definitely not. Or simply media. Because that's not a lie, it's not inaccurate. It's not an inaccurate sort of filing mechanism. The only reason you would label the folder Meets is if you're trying to be sneaky

but also you know how forgetful you are, like you also make your password, password 123 and you're like, well, I want to hide my porn links but I don't want to lose them. Yeah. I don't think there's anything you can do except, oh my gosh, if you get your boss some meat for Christmas when you give them the gift, you say,

this is gonna sound wild but do you remember when you saw a directory called Meets on my computer? This is assuming you haven't been summarily fired. You remember when you saw the directory, that was what this was for. I couldn't tell you back then but because then it seems like commitment, it doesn't seem like you're backpedaling.

It seems like you are committed to surprising everybody with some great meat. And they're gonna say, this is hillshire farm sliced roast beef that you got from Kroger's. It was pornography, just own it, own it, be it, it's fine if it was. Can I offer a very drastic solution to this,

even more commitment? You're gonna have to go into work tomorrow, quit and announce that you're leaving to become a butcher. I think you've been dreaming of this for months and it's time that you finally committed to your lifelong passion butchering. Perfect. Yeah, that should work too.

Either one, we've given you a lot of good stuff to go on. How about a yahoo? I'd love that, thank you so much. I got a good one here and it's from Alex P. It's from yahoo answers user Akash. And we've never really done one like this but I thought it'd be a fun sort of conversation starter on this light and loose

third Halloween episode of the year. Okay. Akash asks, would you rather have a cat with a human face or a dog with human hands instead of paws? Mm. A cat with a, a cat with a human face? Mm-hmm. Or.

Still meows, should we assume? Let's just, let Justin finish because that Travis just brought up something that's gonna really change the dynamic. A cat with a human face or a dog with human hands instead of paws? Correct. A hand feet or four hands?

Yeah, that's, that was another question. Yeah. Yeah, it just says hands instead of paws. So I was assuming two, but it could be four. No, it has to be just two. I can almost wrap my mind around that but there's something about it having four hands. Yeah.

That's real because I could see the dog then maybe walking on its hind legs and having hands a la like the funny dog from Family Guy. But like. I love him. I love him. I love the way he drinks. But the idea of four human hands

plotting along on the ground. It's too many. It's more than I have. It's more than I have and therefore he would pose a threat to me and my family's safety. I mean, he's going to with two hands, four hands like we're all done, right? Yes.

This is so tough because it's like the face cat is gonna be no good especially if it talks human language. That's no good. That is so bad. Sometimes I'll be like peeing, right? And like the cat will be in the bathroom because that is where her food bowl is.

And like she'll look at me and it's fine because she's a cat. But now imagine that was a human face. Yeah, that's rough. It is rough. It's gonna look and the thing is the law of doppelgangers says that it will look exactly like somebody on earth and you don't know who.

It could be anybody. What if it looks like Hugh Jackman? What if it looks like my brother Justin? What if it looks like Justin dresses Wolverine? Yeah. It's impossible to say. I want to give a counterpoint like because this is actually a very good question

I think at this point. Yes. The problem I have with dog with hands is this. You've created this crime, right? This crime against the natural order that's sure to live in a lot, I mean, a lot of spiritual and sort of existential pain. And what you've done is in addition to making it monster,

more monster than canine, you've also given it all the equipment it needs to use a gun. And that I hate, that I hate. I hate the part that it can now use tools and including tools, one of those tools being a gun that can use to take vengeance on you for willing it into existence.

And I hate that part. Face cat, you have not made more lethal by creating. There's no choice. It is face cat. You must choose face cat. Hand dog will kill you. Hand dog will kill you for making it face cat. We'll try to kill you

but we'll have no like enhanced lethality. Not only that, like face cat's gonna suck to be around and you gotta be around it because you can't throw it out because it has a human face, right? But hand dog, if it doesn't kill you, it's still gonna get up to no good. He has a dog's brain. So maybe he won't think to kill you.

Maybe he still loves you because he's got a dog brain but he also has a dog brain. He has a dog hunger. So he's gonna go in the kitchen and, you know, eat all of the lunch meat. And you can't tell him, no, that's like telling a roommate, like no, no, you can't eat the lunch meat but they have human hands.

So they're gonna do what the fuck they wanna do. But that's assuming that then hand dog is capable of utilizing the hand because right now it's not like my dog with her paws is walking up and trying and getting frustrated because it doesn't work. They can shake them. They can shake, they can sit on their hind legs

and use the hand to shoot a gun. No question. No question. But you've just made me, that sealed the deal right there. The idea of doing like shake with a dog and a human hand, a full meaty sailor's hand just extending out and taking ears. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't have a cat with a human face though. I don't want that either. You can't. Eyes are human eyes. Okay, can it talk? Yes. It has to talk. I'm out, I'm so fucking out.

I'm actually, I have less of a problem with that. It can't talk and it sounds exactly like Lorenzo music. Yes. I love that. Now I'm back in. Does it eat cat food? I'm back down again. I don't wanna see that.

If the cat can talk, then at the very least, I can A, apologize, and B, I get that. But if it just has a human face that meows, I'm always gonna be looking at it thinking, do you understand, like, do you know? Do you know what's happening right now? Like, are you watching me? Do you hate me?

What's happening? And I don't wanna see what the human face looks like when the cat makes brown in the litter box. I don't wanna have to confront that. Catches a mouse? Or catches a mouse and, oh no, Trav. Yeah, or licks itself. But you can put sunglasses on it and come on.

But you can put mittens on the dog. The only reason I'm going face cat, face cat sucks unilaterally, but it won't try and kill me like hand dog. I'm done. It's face cat for life. Okay. I can't, you Griffin, you have to,

you have, okay, the dog won't want to kill you, probably. The cat will have the face of Rush Limbaugh, definitely. And it'll just be waiting for you in the dark, all the, imagine Griffin, imagine that you wake up at three o'clock in the morning cause you need to get some emotium, and you walk into the hall and who's that waiting for you? It's the face of Joe Pantlione who's trotting towards you,

sashing back and forth from your cat's body. And what if it can talk, but it can just say, hey, in a human voice over and over. Always, no, don't try to take a leg down from this. It talks, it talks human. I can have a conversation with it. I work from home, I'm lonely. Now I want face cat.

Now it's not, I don't want hand dog. Now it's I want face cat very badly. Science, make me a face cat. You want a cat, it's just like other cats. It screams, why am I at the top of its little lungs? Have you done this creator? You'll scream that for a bit, but then we'll be into it. Then we'll be fine.

Deceptance therapy. Is it like a full human head or just the face? That is great. It looks like a cat, like Mario in a tanooki suit, right, for sure. Yeah, that's pretty good. Now, hand dog. Can this guy play a guitar?

Ooh. I don't think the hands would be, maybe you could lately. Is maybe the best. All right, now we're coming. See, now I'm trying to frame this, like which one do I want very badly more? Not which one is the least bad. And if you look at it that way, I'm kind of torn.

What's his words per minute? Does he know how to, can he edit a podcast? Can he edit a podcast? Yes. Can he use Squarespace? Probably, it's very user friendly. Now, hold on though. When he cranks it, does he use his human hands?

I'm back to face cat, hi face cat. Welcome back Griffin. See Griffin, what if his voice wasn't that like beautiful baritone? He's still not gonna jerk it with human hands. I'm good, I'm good, face cat. Can't face cat for life. I'm gonna have to, I think I'm going hand dog.

Hand dog plus mittens, I'm okay with that. See, that's cruel though, that's cruel because you've not only transformed him into a complete monster, you've sort of taken away the only like agency that you have given him in this monstrous form. That's the most fucked up option Travis. Okay, the mittens won't be an all the time thing.

Well, when it's cold, right? Just like a human. Sure. God, I feel like I felt such strong conviction both ways at this point and I feel, I mean, I'm glad neither, but I'm sad both. You know what I mean? I do.

Like, it seems like if the world is gonna make one of them, it should have to make both of them. Like they should have to be friends or in the same house or whatever. Where are we at? I mean, let's just take a vote. I could love hand dog. No, let's just take a vote.

I want to take a vote right now. I already love face cat. Griffin votes face cat, Travis. I vote hand dog. Tiebreaker. And the other one dies, so. Yeah. The problem is I already have two faces

that are very dependent on me in my journey. And I don't know that I need a third face, no matter what it's attached to, truly. I don't need a third face that's sort of dependent on me and sort of needing my guidance and expertise and wisdom and coddling and what have you. I think it's very beautiful, Justin, that you're counting your children's faces,

but not your own. Well, nor my wives, because they're not dependents. I'm saying that I have two babies that live in my house. I mean, your face is pretty dependent on you. Yeah, you do need to feed your own face, my pal. Yeah, but I'm saying that these faces, these two, it's like a third child. I get what you're saying.

You hate my fucking precious baby. I get what you're saying, Justin. Go ahead and say it. I'm a hand dog. It's just like I'm an introvert kind of by nature and I'm like trading away those precious moments of solitude. Okay. Have fun getting strangled by a dog, you two jerks.

Have fun getting strangled by a dog. You don't have human arms. Yeah, that's fine. No, no, yeah. I'm still stronger than the power of human arms. I don't even think that it could bend them in a way. Like, I don't think it could flex the hands. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he could totally, yeah, just inject poison into your neck while you're asleep or there's a lot of different ways. Where's he gonna have poison? No, have fun. I'll just do the podcast by myself because you two have been killed by your dumb dogs that you wanted to get

instead of my cool face cat who looks like Joey Pants. You stinkers. Joey Pants face cat could talk anyone into murdering you though. Like, it's a cat with a mouth and that mouth, like, pet is mightier than the sword kind of thing. Like, that cat could lead a rebellion. It could create sort of a crang suit around itself.

Oh, absolutely. I'm as surprised as anybody, but we're gonna have to take a break at this point and go to the proverbial money zone. I want to tell you about Zipper Cruder. You got higher people for stuff. Look around you. You have all the cubicles set up.

You bought the coffee. You have all the spreadsheets ready to be filled in, but what did you forget? You forgot to hire people. And you know what's not smart? The way hiring used to be. Or like job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resume.

I'll tell you what is smart? Going to zippercruder.com slash my brother. Zipper Cruder is powerful. Matching technology finds the right people for you and actively invites them to apply. You're not just waiting. Not just waiting. They say, hey, you're perfect.

Get in here. So it's no wonder that Zipper Cruder is rated number one by employers in the U.S. and this rating comes from hiring sites on trust pilot with over a thousand reviews. And right now our listeners can try Zipper Cruder for free at zippercruder.com slash my brother. That's zippercruder.com slash my brother.

Would the face on the cat age in relation to the cat's body? The cat never dies, nor does the dog. Okay. Just thinking about it getting old and wrinkly very, very fast. Just kind of bum me out. But if it's eternal, then that's better.

Can I tell you all about Casper though? Yes. They are fantastic. They have the mattresses. They have the mattresses that you need. They're the mattresses that you want. They're the mattresses that you crave. Delicious scrumptious mattresses.

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because they cut out the middleman and sell directly to you. I think all have Casper mattresses at this point. And my guests, when they stay at our house, get rave reviews while they give them. But they also get them. Before they lay down on the bed, I say, listen, here's how good this bed's gonna be.

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How about another message here from Jenny and it's for Peter. And it goes a little something like this. Happy meet a verse repeater. Now this one I'm gonna be real clear and say it's M-A-E-T, anniversary Peter, you're so wonderful

and every moment with you is pure magic. Thank you for introducing me to Babim Bam Saw Bones and wonderful. I'm super excited for our next lofts adventure and cuddles in the coming years. I cannot wait to marry you. I love you to the moon and back. And that is so sweet

and was supposed to be read eight months ago, but it's still so sweet is the thing about it. And you know what else is sweet? Like Saw Bones is good, wonderful is good, but have you tried shmammers? And that message comes to us from Travis. Yeah, pay me in just $100 right now. I will in kisses.

No, Venmo me $100 fucking dollars right now, you creep. You know what, I'm gonna do the other one too. Cause that's how I'm gonna do it. It's for Dylan and it's from your cat, special boy. Oh no, no, no, no. Meow. Hello, I love you. Sorry, I don't understand soft paws

and break the no slapping rule constantly. Also sorry for running out the front door all the time. The hallway is just so interesting, but also scary. So please continue to rescue me. Meow. Oh no, no, no, no. That's great. How did the cat get the money to,

can face cat get a job in like customer service? Yeah. I'm all about that. Love this crazy cat. But then hand dog could totally be a typist or an electrician. For sure. This is what I'm saying.

Not enough people are interested in manual labor jobs like mechanic and plumber and electrician. Hand dog could fill in that form. It is started to raise the question of which one could move out, which is usually desirable. Which one could become autonomous and not my problem. I feel like face cat is gonna be able to get a social security number much easier

than hand dog would, right? Hand dog could drive. Nope, here's what it's gonna be in the eyes of the law and this is it. This is a dog with human hands. This is a human with a cat body. Oh, oh, you're right. Oh shit.

Yeah, it's true. He has a passport now because he's a human with a cat body. We can't discuss, but I'm not gonna give a passport to a fucking dog. Note this far no further. I'm Riley Smerl. I'm Sydney McAvoy and I'm Taylor Smerl.

And together we host a podcast called Still Buffering where we answer questions like, why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleek? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about butts. No, we don't. Nope.

Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was too. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. No. Well, you change your mind for too many times.

Over and over again. Over and over again. My husband and I live in a small, haunted apartment building with just six units, mostly occupied by other couples and also some ghosts. We've lived here for seven years and have become friendly with some of the other tenants, occasionally having meals or cocktails

at each other's places. Here's my dilemma. When I've had another tenant's place and I have to use the bathroom, should I use the one there or leave and use my own mere steps away? Oh, huh. Of course, I want the sweet, sweet security

of my own porcelain haven, but is that weird or even insulting? So far, I just held it and waited till I got home. That's the right answer. Usually when we socialize with other tenants, it's just us, the other couples. So it's not like a party situation where I could just slip out and back unnoticed.

Help me, there's no place like home in San Francisco. This one, this is so easy. Can we just move on to the net? Because you can give a nearby guest your pee-pee but you can't give them your poo-poo. If it's a poo-poo, you have to go home and do it there. If it's a pee-pee, you do it wherever you want. I'm so glad we agree, Griffin.

Yeah, because we've dealt with that with our hotel rules. If you're like hanging out in a friend's hotel room and yours is 20 feet away, you can give them your pee-pee but you can't give them your poo-poo, that's it. Next question. Huge problem, huge problem. Do you have to explain that? What you're saying is the accepted law.

And from your tone, that is, it seems to be settled law from what you're saying, then we are creating a culture where if you say, excuse me, I have to go to my apartment for approximately five to 10 minutes. You are then announcing your intent to have a bowel movement which is not necessarily like part of the culture is not like announcing I'm gonna go shit. Like we just, it's simply not done.

Well, another part of the culture is not dropping a big one inside of this domicile when yours is so very close and they're definitely gonna notice how long you've been in there and they're also gonna notice the bad smells that you did make with all of your process. It's not necessarily arguing that. I'm arguing that if you have this standard where I pee pee at your house, I poo poo at mine,

you are making it so people can always track if you've left to go poo poo, which is not great. This is why we need a social understanding. We need something like, like how Pyro said like the black spot where you just like slide a card onto the table and everyone knows what that card means but in using that card, everyone is also agreeing like if this was me, we would all pretend

like this wasn't happening. And let me also say, if I know that the two of you left my house or room so that you could go and poo poo somewhere else, when you come back, I will have a Harry and David cheese basket waiting for you as I speak to you. I don't know why you think this is an embarrassing thing as much as it is me knowing that you've done me

a great service this day. I cannot tell you how many times every single one of us on this call have been on tour with the other ones and they've been in their room and they say, well, I'm gonna wreck your bathroom real quick. I'm in the bathroom of my room. It happens constantly. Yeah, but now we must put away our childish things.

Please do not poo poo in my hotel room anymore. It is so bad. I don't know what you two do. Well, because here's the thing. It's especially why you're doing your favorite because you could wreck their bathroom and leave three minutes later. Like you're basically saying like this is yours now.

You know what I mean? Like no, no, no, no. And if they don't notice right away and pin it on you, they're gonna pin it on somebody who uses the bathroom at some point. It's just so bad, poo poo at home. Can I do a yahoo? Yes, please.

Here's a good one. This one's sent in by lots of people. It's from a yahoo user named Jack who asks, do planes, do planes move faster, slow? When I look at a sky plane, look slow. I run faster than I see plane move like what? How plane look like move so slowly? Well, it's okay.

So, and they won't teach you this in school because they're afraid, but basically the plane hovers in the air and then the earth turns underneath it. Okay. And then the plane lands back down. Yeah, they're part of that's probably right, Trav. So like, I would say the plane moves probably

about as fast as question askers running, but then add to that rotation of the earth and that's why the plane gets to Phoenix slightly faster than if you ran to Phoenix. Okay. Yeah. So if I could jump up super high like a Mario brother, I could be in Phoenix right now.

I wouldn't like, it would be like that movie Jumper, but quite literally. Yes, that's why skipping is faster. Huh. Yeah. Here is the problem. Yeah. Sky is big.

Oh, damn. And plane fasts, but sky is big and not like ground. Ground is small and you can walk around pretty much anywhere you want to, but sky is so big that it take plane long time to cross. So that is the main kind of issue is that sky is so big. But less to move around. Less to move around, Travis is right.

Ground, building, mountain, tree. Now the problem is I go in house and sky go away. So it can't be that big, can it? Fickle. Yeah, it's a fickle baby. Well, sky is sneaky. Also, let's also remember, hold your thumb up and look at plane.

Plane very small. It's so fucking small and I don't know how they do like the shrinking machine inside of it or when, because I've been on so many planes and I have never felt the shrinking machine go off, but I know they're using it. Maybe that's why you're not allowed to stand up when the plane's like going up

because it's shrinking very quickly and your bones aren't good and you might fall over. Griffin, you dullard. The earth is getting bigger. That's ridiculous because it would have to get bigger for every flight that's going on. Yes.

No, Travis, no, come on. You're getting kind of silly, Travis. We were all- No, I'm telling you. No, hey Travis. I know it's a little out there. We were all just having a lot of fun. I'm a big earther.

I'm sorry. That's a real hand dog way of thinking about this situation. I was telling you, earth get bigger. I'm the one who looks at the glass and says face cat. Do you think this has been our weirdest episode of like 2018? Oh, it's our spookiest one for sure. So I have a co-worker who took my cookie. It was a wrapped cookie.

Like you would pick up at a gas station. So it definitely was obvious that it wasn't for sharing. It was meant as a treat for me between doing work. Another co-worker told me he saw him take a big bite out of it and set it down like it was his. When confronted about the cookie, he said, oh, my bad, you can punch me if you'd like.

With no offer of recompense. Brothers, what do I do? I just wanted a sweet chocolate chip treat that's from Lost Munch in Midland. That is- Fuck, that's good. That's amazing because what it has said is like, I can't make it up to you.

I don't have another cookie, but we're square because I offered you the chance to do violence to me. Yeah, I'll shoot. Well, beat my ass, I guess. Hey, no, it's not my kink. I don't know why you- No, it just, I eat your cookie and you beat my ass.

It's just a regular thing. I don't understand. Yeah, so this is how we do the cost of doing business. I knew when I took a bite of that cookie, I was running the risk of getting my ass beat. And that's why I justified it and thought it was an okay thing to do to unwrap a wrapped cookie.

Unbelievable. You fucking murderer. That is definitely the other calculation that this person did, right? Like, if I bite this cookie, they're probably gonna wanna punch me, but I will have gotten a bite of the cookie. You shouldn't work at this place anymore.

That's obvious, right? We were all agreed on this. You have to get a new job. You can't work with a person like this. No way, no how, no where. This is step, maybe two, maybe three of like a 10-step path in which they end up probably killing you.

Now, can you punch them so hard, they go through the glass of the vending machine and then you can reach in and get all the fucking famous Amos that you want? Mmm. A victimless crime. A victimless, well. There's two victims actually, as far as I can tell.

It's a double victim crime. The person you punched in Amos. And Amos. Amos Lee. Yeah. That's why he calls himself famously Amos Lee. What would they have done if you had just fucking laid them out?

They might have. What if you had punched him so hard that he died? What if you punched him in his appendix and at first. Like you're meanie and he died. And then you had, oh, happy Halloween. Okay, but then you had to go to court. Yeah.

And the judge was like, so what happened? And you're like, well, long story short, he took a bite of my cookie, so I killed him. Yeah, the jury would find you guilty, but then the coroner would run in last minute and be like, hold up. We just finished cutting his tummy open. There is a bite of cookie in there.

And then the judge is like, okay. And then note in his pocket that says, if I took a bite of someone's cookie, they're allowed to punch me as hard as they can. Did you do it though? That's what I need to know is if you did it. Cause you didn't say if you did it or not. Because if not, what you need to do

is you need to wait. You need to hold that and then one day punch him. I mean, he's like, what the hell? You're like, that's for the cookie. Yeah. And he didn't specify where to punch him. You could punch him on the crown of his head and he wouldn't like that, I bet.

Ooh, wait till he's eating a cookie. This could be years later. Oh, yes. And you punch his hand, knock that cookie right out of his fucking hand. So it shatters on the ground. Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's fucking good. Punch his butt so hard as wallet comes out and you get cookie buying money from it. There's a lot of options actually. Depends on how accurate your punches are. Can you punch a wallet out of a dude's butt pocket? This week on Mythbusters. This week we brought it back for this one special

and it's a McRoy Brothers special. Can a cat have a face? Where should you poo poo? Where should you make poo poo? We tried doing it at our friend's house. He didn't like it. Myth confirmed. Dodge, dodge, dodge, dodge, dodge, dodge, dodge, dodge.

I got a Haunted Doll Watch. Because yeah I know that's what that song means. It's a Halloween episode and I thought this was perfect to help us bridge the gap between seasons so I was very excited to find it. Got a Haunted Doll Gloria Active Paranormal Winter Slash Christmas Spirit Dolls. Ooh.

I am sharing my special Winter and Christmas Spirit Doll collection. Meet Gloria. She was 22 years old when she passed away. She had high ambition to accomplish a lot of different things. She was an activist and often would protest against issues that she felt were unjust. I'm not sure how she died, but she has strong willed, independent spirit. She will speak up when she sees someone lying or treating someone else badly or unfairly by slamming a door or turning their lights off to get your attention. I have heard her yell no before when she didn't like something. She will talk to you through a spirit board

and in your dreams. She is a loving, compassionate spirit who really cares about what happens to others and will watch over you and your family with protection and care and will stick up for you when needed. Do you know how bad your self-confidence has to be for you to be like, don't let my doll hear you talking that way because she's got my back? Yeah. The doll itself is 16 inches high and has brown curly hair and blue eyes. She's wearing a beautiful dark blue velvet dress with white fuzzy trim and has a matching hat. She has bloomers, socks and black boots. She is also holding a silver gift. Gloria will make a wonderful Christmas gift for you or someone you love. I don't know what is wilder.

The idea that you would say, Merry Christmas, it's a doll with a dead activist inside or that you would say, Merry Christmas, me, surprise, I got you a haunted doll for yourself. Maybe you need someone who's going to give you that little boost of self-confidence every day. Who's going to be like, here's you like looking in the mirror and you're like, ugh, I don't want to, I'm such a loser. Then you hear a door slam and you're like, hey, thank you doll. You're right. You hear the door, you hear the doll yell, no. Is that what it sounds like? Can you imagine being anywhere at your house at any time of day with any number of people there, with any like level of security that you feel in your heart of

hearts and just hearing yelled out loud, no, that's bad. That's bad. That's not good. What if a face cat did it Griffin? Then I would know. I would know. I would expect it. I would anticipate it. Yeah. I mean, how is this doll boosting my self-confidence? Is it like a Teddy Rock spin where it's got a cassette tape of Wilson Phillips's hold on in it? Because I could be for that. I could be all about that. It's just there is never going to be another doll that Justin, you've jumped the fucking shark. You cannot shock me anymore with this segment after the very sexual, very sensual spirit. You can't do it anymore. Yeah. I'm going to have to go back to the woodshed and chop up some of these dolls, glue them

back together and see if we can find something a little smoother than a sexual doll. The thing is that this doll, I just didn't know that dolls had seasons and trends because if you look at this doll, it's the like its dress is blue and it looks kind of like it has like that frosted, it's kind of snow like trim and it's got like silver holly on it. And it's definitely a yuletide haunted doll. A question for you. If you had this haunted doll that was very Christmassy, would you feel okay about packing it up? Yeah. 10 and a half months out of the year. How would you feel about that? If this thing's yelling no in my house, I believe it will find itself packed up 12 out of 12. No, but that's worse. I actually I'm more okay with the doll randomly like from

a shelf somewhere yelling no instead of no. Yeah, for the. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We're talking about the maybe the most effective form of elf on the shelf imaginable because it's not just like, oh, don't steal a cookie because it's a sin, I guess, and the elf will tell Jesus and you won't get any presents or heavenly reward at the end of your life. You do you also have this doll as maybe backup for this elf who literally will chide the child just chide them so good and so loud and so scary. Oh boy. It's kind of sad this one. Oh no. I just got a sad doll. You know, I don't know. All right, I bought myself out with this one because somebody is gonna buy themselves a haunted doll for Christmas. Oh, yeah. Now that bombs me out. I shouldn't have thought about that.

Well, maybe it's could be like a Christmas shoe situation. And it's like if mama meets Jesus tonight and needs a ghost to guide her up the spiral pathway into the crystal heavens. If mama meets Jesus tonight, I want to have a doll for her spirit to leap into. I'm channeling my mom's ghost into the special Christmas doll. Do they sell husks on eBay or is that just can I go if I go into any like American Girl's Store? Is it just husk city, baby? Husk husk city. The way this population is expanding daily, we are soon going to have two designations dolls and not haunted dolls. Those would be the two different things there are because it would be such a rarity to find where it doesn't have a ghost inside of it. Yeah, it's like trying to find an apartment,

you know what I mean? You're gonna have to find a real like when you die, you're like, I'd really like to, I can't find an empty doll anywhere. Jesus. This is how um, this is how like Polly Pocket and all that shit came about. This is just sort of efficiency just that you get a big box full of Polly Pockets. You fit like, you know, 60,000 people in that one. You ever see that Matt Damon movie? It's awesome. He gets shrunk down and he gets put in a hell box full of just a bunch of writhing flesh. It's really, it's funny. It's a funny movie. Honey, I shrunk the mat. I believe it was called. Meet Matt because he pilots a giant Matt Damon. Hey folks, that's gonna do it for us for this episode of our podcast,

What Brother My Brother Me. We hope you've had a deliciously spooky time with us here. We would remind you though that you should please go vote. Please go vote for good people, please. Did I go vote? Did I go vote? Did you please go vote? We got a mailing list that is uh, gonna get rolling here. Uh, the first one may have already gone out possibly. Is that possible? May have, but uh, you, you'll want to sign up for it. Go to uh, bit.ly, m-a-i-l. It's not a pyramid scheme and a lot of people uh, uh, have been buzzing about that. I don't know who keeps saying that. It's not a, it's not a pyramid scheme. It's just a regular mailing list. Uh, I have something to say. If you are anywhere near the Cincinnati area,

I've got one of my underground society shows coming up November 16th. You can get uh, tickets for that at bit.ly slash cuss November 2018. Uh, we've got a lot of fun guests and you can come out and hang out with a bunch of cool people and uh, you'll find out who the guests are once you get there and join the society or whatnot. I want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of a theme song, It's a Departure, off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, Fantastic Song, Fantastic Album, Good Band, Great Band, Great Dude, Good Times, Great Oldies. I also want to thank Max Fun for having us on the network. Go to MaxMomentFun.org, just start clicking on shit and you will find so many good shows and you're gonna love listening

to them. We have other stuff at McRoyShows.com. Anything else boys? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, we've got exciting new stuff at McRoyMerch.com, including I believe some like Candle Knight stuff. You should go check out. Um, and also, uh, we've got our shows coming up in Denver and Austin. So please send your questions in for that with Denver and Austin in the subject line. And the Adventure Zone graphic novel book two is available for pre-order now at uh, TheAdventureZoneComic.com. How about a final yahoo? Yes, please. It was sent in by Adrian Calz. Thank you, Adrian. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm gonna call Julian who asks. If I can catch a scorpion, does it become my pet?

My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad, square on the lips. We've all made mistakes in book club, right? You drink a little too much. You don't actually read the book. And if you're under the bubble in Fairhaven, your individual will get subsumed by the collective. Hey, maybe I just let him go and whip us up some guac. We do not require guac. We require only nutrients and expansion. You will become book club. You will eat, pray, and love with us. Join book club. Bubble, the sci-fi comedy for MaximumFun.org. Just open your podcast app and search for bubble.