My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 433: Fred Savage, Piss Warrior

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

Hey, sorry about the title on this one. We really don't have an excuse. All we can say is that it's not nonsense words -- we have a nice, long discussion about the topic described. There really was no other option. Suggested talking points: Talkin' Dino, Pizza Water, Sprayzer Tag, The Fate of Davis, Claw Malfunction, Workplace Sound Pranks

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-ish brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 Griffin McElroy. Now, Travis, I'm looking at the show notes that you submitted for potential items of discussion for the opening of the show, and it says here,

you like a tucadino? I would like a tucadino, Justin. And Griffin, you like a tucadino? I like a tucadino. It lets a tucadino. I'll talk in a dino one second, Travis. I'd like to talk a dino with you. Ah, yes, thank you. Let me talk a dino for just a second. I watched, finally saw that new Jurassic Park 2 movie. The second one that did come out like this year and is kind of relevant? Yeah, Jurassic Park 2 slash 5, depending on how you're counting them. And let me tell you something, they're at it again. Yeah. I need to know how, listen, I have respect for all of the creatures of Earth. I think that, and there's an undercurrent in the Jurassic Park films of films, of these are animals and they should be respected. I would argue that they were created

because of man's meddling. They are the children of men and we may do with them as we wish. They're products of our hubris. God has nothing to do with them. They are our products. So why, at the beginning of Jurassic Park, I guess five? Why is the first scene not President Barack Obama to Jr., Barack Obama's son, because it's in the distant future. Why is the first thing that happens, not the president saying, kill all these fucking dinosaurs? Hey, everybody, kill every dinosaur. We're not doing it anymore. Everybody kill all the dinosaurs. You can't have them. How are we so good at extincting tens of thousands of species every year? Accidentally. We can't wipe out these fucking dinosaurs. I would like to remind everyone that we've been- I'm sorry. Sorry. I had just the

doorbell rang, sorry. Oh guys, John Hammond. He's come to claim. He heard us talking. I spared no expense in doxing you, Griffin. I hit a bag of dog poop. I bled it upon your stoop. It's on fire. I gave you a flaming dog poopy bag. That's T-rex poop. I heard you talk a dino. You should talk a nicer dino. Griffin, did you ever have a flea circus? I've had six. Spare no expense. Griffin's still gone, eh? He's been drizzled in amber. Yeah, okay. I will talk about this because Griffin's not here, so I get to talk about it. John Hammond says the first attraction he made when he came to America from Scotland was a flea circus, right? Uh-huh. Can you imagine how bored you have to be to see an old man playing with a tiny circus and be like, I would love to pay some money

to watch this old man play with this tiny pretend circus. He's just on a corner? Like, what is he doing? All right, I'm back. I'm back. He's back. We're talking about John Hammond's flea circus. John Hammond's flea circus, Griffin. Wait, were you guys doing the podcast without me? We were. Just a little bit. What the fuck? There was definitely lacking something, so I'm so glad you're here. John Hammond said he came over from Scotland. The first attraction that he had was a flea circus. Right. So here's what I'm trying to figure out. Did you just walk up on a corner and see all John Hammond playing with a pretend circus on a corner and he's like, wait, if you're going to keep watching me play with this pretend tiny circus, you're going to have

to give me a quarter because this is business. And that happened eight billion times until he had four billion dollars. And then a wealthy investor with a monocle did come up and say like, this would be cool. Have you thought about doing it with dino sours? This is the thing that really floored me watching JWFK is that me, Travis Magger, I live in a world in which once we cloned a sheep and people talked about that motherfucker for like 10 years. And in JWFK, everyone has acclimated to the fact that there are not dinosaurs to who per quickly. Everyone's just like, yeah, I get it. Yeah, I'm over dinosaurs. But like, yeah, me too. Doesn't that parallel us as the audience? When Stevie Spielberg first unloaded his boat full of beautiful robot dinosaurs, we all lined up at

the shore to wave our hankies at them. These conquering heroes, give us your thunder lizard, Stevie. They look so real. And now Stevie's back for a fifth time with a fifth boat that has Chris Pratt as the captain of it. And we're like, uh, is Deadpool on there somewhere? Because if not, we need a different boat. You're going to need a bigger boat with even a dinosaur on it to the point where here's how bored everyone is with dinosaurs. And I mean the audience that Jurassic World has to make up new dinosaurs. They got to keep getting more visceral. We're so bored of these fucking dinosaurs. They got it. The next one they got to get like, they have to have abs and dicks and stuff to like. Listen, these dinos, fuck, there's one thing we can all agree on. They can get

it. And they do. The last thing was that they're bored dinosaurs so they make a bigger, angrier dinosaur that can kill more people. And you're telling me they do that again? Yes. You know, you don't fucking stinks. That bark looked dope. They had roller coasters and Flynn attractions that didn't have shit to do with these killer, awful monsters that I'm so bored of, get some abs and dicks and butts and, you know, exposed, you know what I mean? Something to really catch the eye. But there were fun roller coasters for thrill seekers like me who don't want to be eaten by big dinosaurs. You could clone Abraham Lincoln and have him at your park. I think that'd be pretty cool too. Like, okay, wait, stop. You understand that you would need to get

a sample of Abraham Lincoln's blood, right? Yes. Is that really harder than getting a dinosaur, Justin, because Abraham Lincoln was around more recently. I bet you could find a mosquito that ate on Abraham Lincoln and then got frozen in some carbonite or whatever. Find a bayonet down Gettysburg. Yeah. Has a bit of president blood on it. From his great fight, he did it in Gettysburg. He led the troops and stabbed like nine dudes, definitely got stabbed in return. Find that one. We got ourselves an A, Bruin. Or what if just a random dude? Like, I'm sorry, I think that would be enough of an attraction if you're just like, this is, you know, Sam, and this is Sam B, and this is Sam C. And like, we just clone Sam over and over again. And you

can come to Sam Rassock Park and see like, it's all Sam's everywhere. You know, it'd be dope, as if instead of tightening up the security protocols of the Jurassic Park, if they just got a little clone DNA sample from every visitor who came in. And then if you get all that up by a stegosaur, then it's fine because your heart will go on in this new clone. You're taking this to full black mirror territory. I love it. I think what you should do is say like, I am going to get killed. And then let me go ahead and get this clone a cooking. Yeah. Okay. So I have my clone done, and then I'm just going to go in here and run through the dinos at the time of my life. Meet Jeff, meet Sam. The whole gay is got Laura Dern. I'm going to meet all of them. And I will get killed

by a dinosaur. And it's like, I know my children will have a papa tomorrow because of the clone. And it's like the prestige. You never know whether you're going to be the new clone Griffin or the one inside the dinos, you know, tummy. Yeah. You never know which one you're going to be. I'm just saying, hey, let us write the next Jurassic World movie, please. Like, I think that that would be way more fun of like, we cross this dinosaur and a chair. Like, okay. All right. I can sit on that T-Rex. Okay. Like, that's interesting to me. Make them smaller. I've talked about this before. This is a pet project of mine of people being like, they want bigger, scarier dinosaurs. Like, no, no, no. I want a small T-Rex, like a Pee Wee's

Playhouse. What they need to do is cross them with some animals that are a lot more spin kickable. So cross them with the flamingo. Huge, stupid neck, long, dumb legs, pink. Like, you could just spin kick, so pink. So many kickable zones on a mingo. Or just give me like a T-Rex cross with a penguin where it kind of waddles a little bit and is literally like football size. Can we? I love animals and I would fight to protect them. And I do every day. But if you had to spin kick a flamingo, what would be the most viscerally satisfying zone on it? I actually would love to get it right in the middle so that it, as I kicked it, it kind of vede to the side. It would wrap around your foot. It would wrap all the way around your foot. So that like the feet and the head would kind of trail

behind it. Like, you were throwing like a nerve football that had a tail on it. Like, that's what I want. I would like to kick it in its head, but then it moves its head the last second and I miss and I fall to the ground and I punch it in its nuts. So wait, you want to try to kick it, miss it. Maybe it laughs a little bit at you. It's like, yeah, because I want that like, I want to feel better about it. You know, he's like a, he's like a real jerk. You want a redemption story? Yes, exactly. You know how the boy who can fly when Fred Savage shoots that skirt gun full of piss at the bully? Uh-huh. The bully says, sorry. It's just this one scene. I need that redemption, bully redemption moment. I need that Falcor soaring over the flamingo. And peeing on everything.

And peeing out on everything as I punch him in the nuts. Was it his piss? It was Fred Savage's piss. I can't grip it. Both options are the worst. Well, you're right. If it was the bully's piss, it'd be probably better for the bully, but how'd he get it? It's dinosaur piss. That's how it all comes back around. It could go like full psychological terror. Like, this is the piss that I rung out of your sheets when you wet the bed last night because I screamed in the middle of the night and I know you pee yourself. Anyway, we have got, we've had like, I don't know, seven or eight Jurassic Park movies. Let Fred Savage play Batman. Let Fred Savage play Batman. How have we gone seven Jurassic Park movies or whatever? And there's never once been a scene of a dinosaur peeing on

somebody. Like, come on. It's right there. Y'all, I'm not going to be able to think about anything, but Fred Savage's piss gun. And I was googling it just to make sure Justin wasn't lying or having a fever dream. And I couldn't really find like, hard, firm news about Fred Savage's piss gun, but I did find a quote on IMDB that says, bad boy. So you thought you could make it around the block? Lewis pulls out a water pistol. Bad boy. Oh, so now I'm supposed to be afraid of a water pistol? Lewis, there ain't no water in this gun. Bad boy. So what's in it? Lewis. Piss. Now there's also a scene in Little Monsters, though I'm not mistaken, where Harry Mandel and Fred Savage pee in a bully's coke. Okay, so everybody, if you could find Fred Savage

pretty much anytime. Okay, here's your challenge. Can everyone just find all the scenes of your own assault, the Fred Savage's perpetrated in cinema history and just tweet them out to us. I'm not making calls like this again because the birthday one got really annoying really quickly and I regretted doing it. So I'm not doing this again, but like, maybe a supercut? Maybe a supercut of all the times that Fred Savage has weaponized urine. Yeah. If you just search Fred Savage piss on YouTube, it's the very first result. And then lean back and maybe close one eye and like, just be careful. There's probably a joke about like the wizard, but not on this show if there won't be. No, we're not here, but we don't work blue. Can we do the show? It's been so long.

Well, can we just watch this scene? Because everybody in the audience is going to do it, so I want to give them a time period where it's 25 seconds. So if we could just watch this one scene from the boy who could fly real quick, starting now. So you thought you could get around the block. Go ahead. Make my day. Oh, I'm supposed to be real scared of a water pisser. We ain't no water on this gun. So what's in it? Piss. He gets him in the face.

Classic. This is culturally important. He gets him in the open mouth. It's fucking good. And you know what the best, the best fucking thing in this entire clip? And Griffin, please put the audio into the show. Griffin is with the audience. The best fucking thing though, you do have to go watch it because the last thing that happens, Fred Savage, I should mention, is like eight and on a big wheel. The last thing that happens, he sprays this bully with piss. The bully rolls, falls on his own baseball bat and trips, and then Fred Savage chucks his gun into a neighbor's yard. Yeah, ditching the evidence, like he's just done a, like the police are gonna, yeah, execution. It's amazing. It's wild. Holy

crap, the boy who could fly. And that's not, here's the thing. That's not what this movie is about. You would think it would be just about building up to this exact moment when Fred Savage blasted this bully with pee. So this is an invite show and we're gonna get right down to it. My office has an annual Thanksgiving potluck. People take this very seriously. Years ago, someone brought a half store bought pie that person was soon after fired. I'm sure there were other contributing factors. There didn't need to be, that's a joke. Yeah, people still bring him and his half a pie up in regular conversation. But here's the other important fact. I don't really want to put a lot of work into this. What should I bring

that will be good enough to not get fired and also require minimum effort? You are playing with fire, Jason. Yeah, is a tricky one, right? Thanksgiving is, because I know there's a lot of people who maybe don't like cooking. And so maybe you just do want to swing by the, you know, Kroger get some pecan cups or something. And I think that's fine. I think that's okay. But the whole thing is like, I worked on this for you to eat it. And that, that's, I don't know, that's what makes it such a nice gesture, you know, but here's the thing about it, Jason is like, I wish, listen, I know that the jobs that Justin Griffin and I have now are very non conventional, but there were some times

where I worked some fairly conventional jobs. And I wish that there had been opportunities of like, this one day, you know, exactly what metric you're being judged by. And if you just deliver like a banger of a dessert, you might get a promotion. Like, because it's got to work both ways, right? Like that's a shitty, you brought, I'm sorry, person in the past, we got fired for this. You brought half a pie. So like the other haven't already been eaten. Oh, you deserve to be fired. For sure. But you bring like a banger dessert and it's like, you get the Johnson account. It ain't gonna, it ain't gonna be a dessert. It's got to be the whole Turk, doesn't it? It's got to be the showstopper Turk of the century. If you want to get the boss's job,

I think. Here's, here's what I would recommend. I have made a lot of different dishes for a lot of different purposes, and I'm not going to get into the ins and outs of baking. Here's my, here's my fucking slam dunk, easy, everyone will love you recipe. Here's what you do. You go pop a couple bags of popcorn, you buy like chocolate bark, it's over in the baking section, like chocolate bark that you melt in the microwave, literally melt the microwave. And then you buy a bunch of candy canes, you crush up in the dust, you pop the popcorn, you put it on a sheet, cover it in the chocolate, turn the chocolate, stir the chocolate, then stir the crushed up candy can into it, lay it down on a sheet, let it cool and harden. People will be crazy for it. It's the easiest

shit in the world to make, and people will lose it, they will lose it. And you'll be a grand slam person that didn't put hardly any work into this at all. Turkey's easy, too, though. Turkey's so easy, you just got to wait. No, salt it, pepper it, and get it hot. I don't see why people always complain to have this special hotline. You just put it in the oven, which makes things hotter once they're in there. Get the bird hot enough, the flesh turns good. I don't see why everybody freaks out about this shit. That's pretty clear, Griffin. Here's the problem, Jason. You've asked this question, but you didn't give us what kind of budget you're working with. Yeah. Because you could maybe get a Wolfgang Puck-esque figure to make individualized turkeys for each person

you work with. You don't have to do it. Wolfgang's making them, and every turkey reminds them of their favorite childhood memory or whatever. And then, like, now you own the company. He definitely has a rat in his hat telling him how to do shit, though, huh? Wolfgang Puck? Definitely. He's probably got, oh, wouldn't it be funny if he actually had nine wolves telling him how to cook in the kitchen? And that's how he got his name. And maybe one Shakespearean fairy. You could tell your boss that you will bite the bullet, you'll make the turkey for everybody. You'll be in charge of turkey to bring in, but you listen, you're going to have to stay home and babysit this bird. You got to babysit the bird because you never know when it's going to be done.

So you got to stay home from work. Come in at lunch because you got a turkey baking at home. So this is like you get the day off, but you do have to bring in a turkey, and there is that stress of being sort of the centerpiece. And then you be the centerpiece and let them eat the turkey off of your body. That's what's good is you don't even have to cook the turkey. You come in with it on your head like in Friends. I want to tell everybody a fun, a quick sidebar, cooking sidebar. I feel like this is going to be this sort of episode with a lot of sidebars and fun blind allies. It was my in-laws 40th anniversary this weekend, and they went up to Lexington at the, I believe you've been there, sorry Louisville, at the, I believe you've been to the Brown Hotel

Travis? I have, yes. Okay. That's the name of it. It's not, it's not like I can't remember the name. And I'm just telling you the color is the Brown Hotel. And they decided to stay in the last night they were there, just enjoy each other's company and get a nice pizza delivered by Grubhub. So they ordered this pizza from Grubhub, and when it shows up, they finally, they understand, they come to realize instantaneously that they have ordered, that my father-in-law, Tommy, has ordered a pizza from a take and bake pizza place. Oh goodness. So you get, you tell them what ingredients you want, and then you come there and pick it up, and then you bake it at your house, which I guess is a restaurant concept that I was not aware of. But at no point during this exchange

of ideas, did anyone say like, this is not going to work. You're not going to be able to bake this, this pizza in your hotel room. It just isn't going to happen. And I asked my father-in-law, because I know him very well, well, you didn't throw it away, did you? And he said, no, I didn't. We had bought a beer cooler with us, and I put it down sort of sideways. Yeah, yeah. To the core. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And kind of put ice down at the bottom of it, and kind of left it standing up inside the cooler, buried in this ice. But then I went and checked on it the next morning, and it just collapsed. Yeah. But good news, I invented pizza water, which is great.

Can I throw it into the trash? Can you imagine being the maid queen? It's like, what the fuck were you all doing? What kind of wild party happened in here? What was your strat? Did you make the pizza and then decided the last minute? No. It's wrapped in plastic. Oh, man, that's good. Hey, how about a yahoo? Yes. This one was sent in by lots of people. Thank you, everybody. It's asked by a yahoo answers user. They're anonymous, but so I'll call them. Boris asks, can you be naked in a laundromat? Can you wash the clothes you have on and be naked in a laundromat while they're washing? Have you guys ever cooked laundry in a laundromat? I've cooked some laundry,

both in college and post college. Living in LA, I've used several laundromats. I understand why you can't just be fully nude in public most of the time. I mean, I can't, but I understand why folks get up in arms about it. But in a laundromat, it does feel it doesn't feel fair, does it? It's like if you did go to a pizza hut, but they stopped you from eating the last slice of pizza every time. Do you know what I mean? I need to cook all my laundry, except for this one last little bit. You will never know the experience of having all your clothes clean at the same time. It does kind of feel like when you get to the laundromat, they should like hand you a robe and like invite you into like a changing room. They should provide

that for you. Like I get you don't want me nude with like my business out. So give me an alternative. You know what I mean? Give me like an airlock that I can walk through, change into the robe, and then walk through the rest that I'm in the laundromat in my robe. Or just somebody's old, cruddy dungarees that they left behind. Oh, like a cycle? Like we cycle through the clothes? Well, kind of. Just I was thinking of one communal pair of dungarees and we don't have to cover the top, just the bottom, because that's where the worst stuff lives. And so we could just have one crusty old pair of dungarees that, you know, you can use as needed and they can be pretty big

and you just cinch them up. Could you have a place that is a combination laundromat spray tan place? Okay. So you go, you want to get that sun kissed look here in early November. You go in, you throw your clothes in the wash and then they give you that, that great look. But here's the one thing about it is that it needs to do a place that does it all or else it's not going to be complete. The process will not be complete. So it needs to advertise itself as like, yes, we do the butt too. Oh, okay. Yes, your butt will be tan. I guess I think you get paint. Justin, there is no way on earth that that doesn't already exist. You think? Yeah, like a spray tan slash laundromat. It just seems to me like not that wild of an idea. It has to exist somewhere.

Now let me hit you with this. A spray tan laundromat where you put your body in the washing machine and they spray tan all your clothes. Okay. Just to give them a little sun kissed color as we move into the long, long winter months. Or what if it's like a combination laundromat spray tan where you walk in in your clothes, they spray tan you, you're still wearing your clothes and then you take a step forward and then they wash your clothes while you're wearing them like a car wash. Okay. So you're getting the spray tan and then they wash the spray tan off your clothes. How about a combination laundromat spray tan Taco Bell? Okay. Okay. So then you eat the Taco Bell, you shake your pants, you throw it right into the wash. And I mean, you drop all their messy,

nasty lettuce all over yourself and it's got sauces you wouldn't even believe of that paint the front of your shirt. Just a beautiful spectrum of hot colors. And then you're going to have to wash those off while you get a sweet sun kissed look. And I think you can just knock out all your needs in one go. What about a combination spray tan and laser tag place where the laser tag guns shoot spray tan? That's really good, Trav. Wow, Travis. That's excellent. And oh, also you're nude. It's good point that you are nude. So bunch of nude adults running around with spray tan guns and then when the match is over, yeah, there's a judge who meticulously figures out what percentage of your body has been spray tan and that includes hair and eyeballs. And they're going to figure

it out. They always they're very accurate with their measurements. And it's called sprayzer tag. Sprayzer tag is the best. And then we're going to get a Taco Bell in a laundromat in there somewhere. Well, yeah, you got to get some celebratory tacos afterwards and you're going to have something to do with your clothes while you're playing sprayzer tag. So that's what you do. You get there, you pop your clothes in the laundromat, you all look around, you have a moment of discomfort because you're all nude. But then someone comes and hands you a squirt gun and they say, oh, I'm simply afraid of a squirt gun and say, well, there's not water in there. And they say, what is it? And they say, it's it's spray tan. And so then you say, I thought it was going to be pissed.

So wait, you're going to say piss. And they say not this time. And then you kind of give them a weird look and they chuckle and they say, I'm just kidding. It's never piss. And then you run through like different obstacles. And some of you are on one team and some of you are the other. You shoot at each other. And then you get scrutinized at the end by a judge who determines how much spray tan stuff ended up on you. And then they say, you do great. And you either get celebratory tacos or like, uh, like, consolation. Yeah, consolation tacos. And then, oh, also your clothes are clean. Have a great day. And then they put a punch under your punch card. And if you get 10 of those, you get a free time. Hey, speaking of the piss soldier,

Fred Savage, uh, I still have his IMDB page open and his, uh, bio on here is a trip, man. It is wild. It says the following at the age of 12, he was cast the lead role of the series, The Wonder Years, 1988. It became a good show. And on the pilot, he got his first kiss. It became a good show. This is the beginning. Oh, okay. I thought you just fell off your desk chair. This is what The Wonder Years theme would sound like if the singer was pushed down a well. Anytime Joe Cocker is singing, he is always about to fall out of his desk chair. That's the secret, too. He's sitting on a yoga ball.

He's getting through the bathroom window. Joe, be careful, my friend. Can we go to the money zone? We're already there. This is an ad for Joe Cocker's bargain desk spraiser tag. Lightly used, complete spraiser tag with Joe Cocker. Just lightly used desk chair. This is an ad right here. This is an ad for ring. I, uh, love ring. Ring is a little robot that is attached to your front door and it looks like a doorbell and it is. If someone walks up to your door, they can press this thing and you'll get a notification on your phone so you can answer it from anywhere in the world. They have service, of course, and you can answer their, see what they

want and, you know, hey, what's going on? And it's usually the FedEx person, but sometimes, uh, it's, you know, it could be anybody. I don't know who's at your door. This is why you need ring. Well, let me tell you. Purpose. Here's the amazing thing about it, right? Yeah, it gets the people who ring the bell, but it also just, if you are worried about like packages being taken off of your porch, you get motion alerts even if they don't ring the doorbell or, you know, I actually just found out recently that there's like a neighborhood tab in the Ring app where you can post or other people will post like videos of people doing shady stuff and be like, hey, keep an eye out for this person. Imagine a social network that is strictly comprised of people in

your neighborhood capturing people being sneaky criminals. It is worth the price of admission, I think. And I think, you know what, surprisingly affordable price. I think you should check it out. We have a special offer on the Ring Starter Kit available right now with a video doorbell and motion activated floodlight cam. The Starter Kit has everything you need to start building a ring of security around your home. Just go to ring.com slash my brother to check this offer out. That's ring.com slash my brother. I would like to tell you something amazing. I am very, very excited because I have just received two day moments before sitting down to record my first pair of Meundee's lounge pants. That's what the doorbell was. Are you telling me there's

fucking lounge pants in this bag I got? Yes. And here's the thing. They look like flannel pajama pants, but they're made out of Meundee's material, that micro modal fabric, which is three times softer than cotton. And if you've never felt this fabric, get ready to experience pure bliss in underwear form. Like I am a little worried honestly that if I wear this micro modal pants with my micro modal Meundee's, I will be so comfortable that I will Alex Mack into a puddle. I'm very excited about it. But yeah, this holiday plaid I think is real cute. And also for the Halloween holidays, I had some like cool like jack-o-lantern underpants. I just got some great underpants and now shirts and like sweatshirt. Meundee's is they've got you covered.

Get it? So go check it out if you haven't. Maybe order some like presents for friends and family and loved ones for the holidays. And they have a great offer for our listeners for any first time purchases. When you purchase any Meundee's, you get 15% off and free shipping like 15% off pair these super soft undies and free shipping. That's amazing. And they have 100% satisfaction guarantee. So go to meundee's.com slash my brother. That's meundee's.com slash my brother. I got Jumbotrons. Jumbotrons for sale $1 each for Justin and Travis. What do you say? Pony up. I'll take it, but I'll have to owe you the dollar. All right. So this one's for Sarah and it's from Sarah. That's where they have the same name. Just kidding. They're the same person. Here it goes.

Sarah says to Sarah, surprise. Is it? Is it? Well, Sarah bought this while like hopped up on ambient. All right. Maybe surprise. It's a random self appreciation day. Push the clock ahead an hour to put the kids in bed early tonight. Pour yourself a glass of wine and dig out the Oreos that you've been hiding in the grape nuts box. That's a clever move. Ain't nobody gonna fucking look in there. You work incredibly hard and you deserve this. Great job, P.S. You just blew up your secret cookie spot. Remember to find a new one. Not gonna be as ironclad as grape nuts. Those things are awful. Sarah, I love this full blown grift you have planned on your kids of like moving every clock in the house forward an hour so that you can be like, oh, it's bedtime and the

kids like the sun's out and I do not feel tired at all. And you're like, well, it's eight and they're like, I guess you're right and they go to bed. Can't argue with the clock. Here's one that is sent in by Benji and it's from Shredds who says Ben. And then I have to wait because I scrolled up accidentally. Ben, you are the kindest, most selfless person I've ever known and I'm proud to be your best friend. Thank you for baking such good pretzels and donuts and always being there to watch Jeopardy with me and being the best travel buddy imaginable. You're the coolest astrophysicist and the best boyfriend ever. Love you. Did you boys know they have Jeopardy on Netflix and that's not a joke? What? Why? Why? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Griffin, why, bud? Yeah. Like,

yeah. Unless it's like the only like the wildest too hot for TV Jerry Springer episodes of Jeopardy that they can't show in syndication, we're like, you know, a dude wearing shorts gets excited and a nut comes out. That one's got to live on dark Netflix. Since the dawn of time, screenwriters have taken months to craft their stories, but now three Hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible. Break a story in one hour. That's right. Here on Story Break, I, Freddie Wong, Matt Arnold, and Will Campos, the creators behind award-winning shows like Video Game High School, have one hour to turn a humble idea into an awesome movie. Now, an awesome movie starts with an awesome title. I chose The Billionaire's Marriage Valley. Mine was Christmas Pregnant

Paradise. Okay, next we need a protagonist. So I've heard Wario best described as libertarian, and of course, every great movie needs a stellar pitch. In order to get to heaven, sometimes you got to raise a little hell. Check out Story Break every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. How about another question? Absolutely. I am pregnant. Several of my friends are pregnant as well, and are due close to the same time as I am. Our kids will be around each other enough that having the same names will be annoying and confusing. Do I announce my potential baby name to stake my claim or keep my mouth shut to avoid poaching? That's from, should I name it Bramble Pelt? No one would steal that.

Yeah, this is not an issue, I feel like. There's so many names, aren't there? There's so many freaking names. So many names these days. I don't think it's going to be a big problem. And I think that your friends will understand that if you're like, I'm going on with Dylan, and they're like, well, now I'm going with Dylan. They're like, okay, well, we can all agree that that's not okay. Like, we can't. Yeah. Yeah, it just, but at the same time, if they had poached the name that, like, I have friends who have babies around Henry's age, if they had said, now we're going to do a Henry right before we announced our name, that would be a big bummer, huh? Really take the wind out of my sails. I, maybe you do need to

stake your claim. Now Griffin, you've got me thinking like saying the name out loud is more important. Yeah. Or what you could do is you could do what like movie studios do and come up with like a fake name that you, you know, you send out all the film canisters listed as like, oh, like Blue Harvest. What? Blue Harvest was a Star Wars empire, I think. Damn it. That's what I was going to name my next kid though, for real. You're going to name your kid Blue Harvest? Blue Harvest McRoy, middle name Jonathan. Blue Harvest is the first name all one way. Here's what you do. Pick a name that you love and you're excited about and say it's Davis, is a great powerful name for a child that calls to mind Jim Davis and all his great jokes.

So you pick Davis and then your friend, you don't announce it, but your friend says, proud to announce coming 2019, the boy Davis, my boy, my boy Davis. And you say, well, shoot, but you want to get revenge on them, but you don't want to be so on the nose that you give them the same name and do a rhyme. Oh, like Travis. Like Travis McRoy. Oh, you know what you do? You don't announce it, but you're like your friend's like, I'm going to go with Davis and you reach in your back pocket. And what's that? It's an envelope that you mailed to yourself, where you've written the name Davis inside and they're like, ah, damn it. You could do an arm wrestle for it. Arm wrestle for the fate of Davis.

I'd solve most of my problems these days with a good arm wrestle. That's great too, because you get exercise. You get exercise and you get stronger arms, which is good because arm wrestling is fun and usually pretty low stakes, except for this one example. Usually it's pretty low stakes though, but when you have an assailant coming at you and you need one strong arm, that's not going to be low stakes. That's the real deal. That's the big show there. How come there aren't more fight scenes that are just arm wrestling? Yeah, or them just using their one big strong arm to fight everybody. They got huge inject from

arm wrestling. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah, I do actually. Thank you. Okay. So this one came in from cool Ocelot. Thank you. It's yahoo answers user Abby who asks, can I trick somebody a Walmart into thinking I had a prize in the claw machine and it got dropped by the claw machine and I want to have it. That's really good. That is a perfect scam. Yeah. What would be the utility of this? Do you think? Get stuffies. Maybe it's one of those claw machines where there's like vouchers inside. Oh, or an iPod Nano and the claw picks it up, but then it falls before it goes in the hole. And then you call over a Walmart employee and say, Hey, just so you know,

the claw had the iPod Nano in its grasp and there must have been a malfunction or a glitch or some sort of hardware flaw because it fell. It fell out of the hand before it could go in the prize hole. So I'm wondering what my sort of like recompense is. What's our next step here? What's the next step? You tell me, do I write a letter to the claws company or is this a manager that can come in and just fish that iPod Nano out of there for me because the claw fucking had it. I don't know what to say. If you watch the tape, it was there. Like it was locked and it dropped it. I didn't. Let me clear. I didn't drop it. I didn't drop it. I did my job. I told the claw where to go and it went there, but then it fucked up by dropping it. Yeah. And it had it. And you know,

here's what I would tell the Walmart employee. If I was going through the checkout line and the person checking me out dropped like my carton of eggs. I feel like you all would get me another carton of eggs. And this claw machine is your employee and it dropped. This is still a shop, isn't it? I bought a stuffed animal for this vending machine and just when the claw was over my selection, it dropped it and this machine is defective. Listen, if this was a gun ball machine and I put my quarter in and I turned it and no gun ball would come out, you would open it up and give me a gun ball, right? How is this any different? Sure, it's got a few more moving parts, but it's a vending machine, isn't it? Like at this point, the person has definitely given you

stuffed animal, right? For sure. Yeah, but now it's a principal thing, Justin. Now I have to continue explaining my, yes, listen, I appreciate that you've given me this hilarious Mart Zimson toy, but I need to continue explaining to you why I was disappointed by this interaction. I bought that Spongebob in there with my own quarter and made the claw go where it needed to go, but then as it was retrieving it to the prize hole, a large boy did bump into the machine and made the claw drop. So is that an act of God for the insurance purposes or what's the deal there? I had promised this to my nephew, William, and now you will be so disappointed if you do not get me. That's Spongebob. Also, have you seen my nephew anywhere? I got distracted by this vending machine.

I'm very concerned. Y'all ever see those boys? Oh, no, William's inside the machine. Well, I was just about to say, y'all ever seen those boys that do get inside the machine and it does happen for real? It just seems like the machine shouldn't be built in a way that would allow that, huh? Yeah, it also seems like they should have a way to get the kid out without using the claw. It's fucked up, right? That kid's going to have claw-based nightmares for the rest of its life, what with all of its grasping and grabbing at the child, trying to lift it into the prize hole. And also, you start to get in and you're like, well, I put $5 worth of quarters in and I still haven't gotten that kid out. I'm out of quarters. I don't know what to do. How fucking tight would

it be if David Blaine was like, y'all, I got a new stunt. I might get up in this claw machine and that'll be my new house for four years. And then you just point to which toy you want and I'll drop it down the street. I'll just drop it in, baby. This is not a big deal. David Blaine, get out of there. I can't. I can't, sadly. But do you want, I don't know, what do we got here? Oh, is that a copy of Grand Theft Auto? Do you want that? Here you go. My adult body's too big for the small claw, unfortunately, so I live in here and I will die in here. You can maybe fish my individual bones out of here in what, 50 years or so? My magical bones. Oh, nice. I got David Blaine's skull. That's the big one. I'm going to scry with it. Excuse me. I had David Blaine's skull

in the claw and it dropped and fell. So I'm going to need you to get that from me. Thank you. Kevin, do you have any yahoo's? I thought we didn't do a yahoo. I literally just did one, but we can do another one if you want. I'll do a question. You're right. I forgot that we had spun off a yahoo. I work in a trendy tech startup. I just got back from vacation to discover that the owner of the company has installed speakers throughout the office to play elevator music in an effort to combat our noise problem. It has only made things exponentially worse. However, we discovered that we have access to the audio input for these speakers. Brothers, what music or sounds can I play to cause enough chaos that the owner removes the speakers for good? That's from

disgruntled employee in Florida. Can I ask a question? When you say noise problem, do you mean employees talking to one another? Yeah, they say our noise problem is that we at some point have been clued in as to what this noise problem is. This is our first time hearing about it, so I am not sure what exactly they're referring to. When we took BB trick or treating, we got into the car and we were driving to a friend's house where we all went together and took our kids together and Theresa said, you know, oh, there's a Halloween station on on SiriusXM and she flipped to it and it was just spooky sound effects. It wasn't like music, it was just spooky sound effects. Now that's good. Play it all the time, not just the Halloween

because things can be spooky even when it's not Halloween, y'all. I, we had a great this great cat over at Vox in the olden days who I believe was on our video team and they had a system like this in the bathroom that they had rigged and they actually recorded their own their own radio station for people to enjoy in the bathroom called bath bath tunes, if my memory serves me correctly, and they would record interviews with people in the office and play them at this bathroom radio station. And they of course had their own songs that they had programmed in to this radio station that they were sort of running, but they had also put in a lot of different interviews with different employees that was for bath tunes.

So I think if you want to get a little more creative with it, you can always run your own private radio station about the office comings and goings. And you know what I found? I actually have a pretty good experience with, if you do things like this that make your, especially like a tech startup that make it, or like a tech, you know, like a Trinity tech company, if you do things like this that make your office seem like fun and quirky, like a cool place to work, sometimes it can get you out of doing real work. When I, when I was at Best Buy, I used to try to sell karaoke machines by setting up a playlist and doing karaoke by myself in the middle of the Best Buy. Just like doing whatever tunes I felt like, try to sell karaoke machines and the ill-fated

music streaming service Rhapsody, if memory serves correctly. So I would try to sell the two karaoke machines that we had in the store. I would open one of them, completely void its worth, and now I just do karaoke. But you know what? It made it seem like a fun place to be and a fun place to shop. And I got out of work for like four hours. So maybe you could swing something like that. Have you thought about a fart? But hear me out. It would start out really quiet. And so people would look around and be like, uh-oh. And then the next day, you'd bump it up like half a decibel and you would keep doing that and see how long it took for people to realize it's coming from the speakers above you. And maybe you record it with like a binaural

microphone. So it sounds really realistic. And you could maybe choose which speaker it kind of favors. So people are like, uh-oh, it's definitely accounting. But then the next day, it really sounds like it's coming from, you know, customer relations or whatever. That's my first funny joke. My second one is what if it played the pizza music from Spider-Man 2 that it played the game and it just constantly got faster every time it finished. And that would help with your efficiency as a company because everybody's going to be working so fast because of the fast pizza music. Griffin, can I take your idea and spin it a little bit? Classic. What if you took the fart idea, right? And what you did is you started- Oh, you're going to do the pizza idea.

That's a better one. Either one works really for this idea. You start it at a like really, really incredibly low imperceptible volume and it's a constant. And then you just slowly, and I mean slowly, this might take weeks, increase the volume little by little by little until eventually everyone's so used to it that they don't even notice it until they leave the building. And now the outside is too much for them to bear because of the eternal quiet. I miss my wife's farting noises. I can't sleep with Adam. I'm feeling embarrassed about the farting noise. So I feel like it's below me. The Spider-Man 2 1 was like a funny idea and like a really good reference. Yeah, yeah, everyone was crazy about

it. Oh, I've got one. The farting one. Can I save it from your fart? Can I save it, Griffin? I mean, I kind of already did with my good Spider-Man 1, but go ahead. What if you made it just a recording of different voices of people in the office calling out your boss's name? Oh, they're all over the place then. Yeah. That's amazing, Travis. Good job. I thought that that was going to be so much horseshit, but it turned into something. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. Or just get a recording of whatever the noise problem is that you have in your office and play that. Play that over again over the speakers. What is the noise problem? Can we get some clarity, please?

Playing the pizza theme music outside so loud. The only way to cancel it out is to play the opposite of it. Could you play the opening four bars of Amber by 311, but every time it gets deeper? If you play Santoria at full volume enough times in a circuit, eventually so many people will quit that you will be the boss. Is the enough times once? No, listen. That's not allowed. Hey, we don't joke like that on this podcast. That's not allowed. Have we done an hour yet? Yeah, folks, that's an hour. Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of the podcast. I want to say stop, I want to say happy birthday to both my beloved brothers. They turn

ages tomorrow. Thank you. The day we're recording this. Was it going to be 37, 34? Nope, close, 35, 38. Oh my God. Okay. That's so high. All right. Thank you. I really like 35 as a number. Yeah, you can finally go for president, which apparently anybody can do and happy birthday boys. Thank you. I love you both so much and I'm glad that you just are here with me and just doing a great job every day. So celebrate one. Pour one out five days ago when you hear this for Justin and Travis. Titans among boys. Wow, what a beautiful tribute to us, to me and Travis. We appreciate it, Griffin. Thank you. I must have very excited. Stop. Do you maybe want to say something about me?

Do you maybe want to say something about me? Happy birthday to Griffin. An happy birthday to Griffin, of course. Can you say remember, can you say I'm a tight among boys? You're a tight among boys. This is the end of the podcast, of course, where the words are sure to stop any second now. We promise. We can assure you of this. I don't want to. I don't have anything to promote. Okay. Okay. Was that just it? Oh, I thought you were going to. No, all right. By the Sawbones book. My wife and I wrote a book, bit.ly4 slash the Sawbones book. That book, too, of the Adventure Zone graphic novel is available for preorder now at theadventurezonecomic.com. Say, sign up for our fucking mailing list.

Bit.ly slash McRoyMail. Oh, yeah. Sign up for that. The one thing I will say real quick, we got tshirts up now at McRoyMerch.com where you can decide between a dog with human hands or a cat with a human face. Oh, yeah. They are so good. Louis Zong made them. They're my favorite shit ever. But you're only going to have till the 15th to order these shirts is a very limited run, because the joke won't be funny after them. That's about how long the expiration date is on this. So go get it. And also coming up November 16th, there's a Cincinnati Underground Society show. You can get tickets for that. If you're going to be anywhere in Cincinnati, come out. You can get tickets at bit.ly slash cuss November 2018 and come see me and all our super fun guests

and join the society. I just want to apologize for being sick for a month and a half now. On every recording that we've done, it's not a permanent thing. Eventually, my body's going to beat it. You say that, Griffin, but I've known you since you were a child. Yeah. I've had some nose issues and it must be bad to listen to. There's one episode where everybody thought I had been replaced and I'll never tell. Do you guys want the final yahoo? Yeah. I didn't pick one, but I'll use one of the other ones. Yeah, this one's pretty good. It was sent in by level 9000, yahoo drew a Drew Davenport. Thanks, Drew. It's yahoo answers user Ghee who asks, when is Santa's birthday? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy.

It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad's. We're on the lips. How does this sound? A weekend on a beautiful mountaintop in California. You wake up, eat a tasty meal with some new friends, some old friends, maybe the host of your favorite podcasts. After that, it's a couple of inspiring classes, spectacular podcast tapings, a hilarious stand-up showcase, a dance party, and more. And s'mores. All of this can be yours at Max FunCon, returning to Lake Arrowhead next June. Tickets go on sale Friday, November 23rd. Put that on your calendar because Max FunCon tickets always sell out. Get a head start planning your next summer vacation and go to maxfuncon.com to learn more.