My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 434: The Crimes of Grundlewad

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Aw DUNK it's time to make it magic at the movies again. Grab your favorite pizza and all your favorite DVDs and come on down to the movies with us, as some of our favorite wizards tally up Grimbleward's crimes. Suggested talking points: The Boy Who Wasn't In This One, Hard Livin' Jeans, Worldwide Broadcast, Community Dessert, Pizza and a Movie, Boring Ballet, Dream Aquarium

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother Meena, the device show for the Bontranera. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother Travis McElroy. I'm your youngest brother Griffin McElroy, I forgot what I say. Babiest.

Yep. Folks, check your calendar. I'm sure it's probably beeping, and it's like, you're like, what did I set it for? And it's because it's time for a fantastic beast, the cries of Grindelwald watch. That's right, it's Grindelwald. Grindelwald is here, folks. Can I tell you the weird thing, Justin? My calendar is beeping, but it's a paper wall calendar. Yep. It must have one of Grindelwald's wild enchantments on it. Yes, it must be a Grindelwald creation. I love it. Johnny Depp was like, I'll only play a character named Grindelwald, because that's what I am, IRL fam. I like this series of fantastic beasts, because it gives me the opportunity to feel what it must

have been like to be a grown-up when Harry Potter was extremely popular. Yes. They're all wizards and witches, and it's all nonsense to me. What's happening here? What is this? They manage these guys, Grindelwald? They split the uprights of me, Griffin McElroy, who waited in line for a midnight release of not just one, more than one of the Harry Potter books, to, now in 2018, having disdained for Grumbelgord and his curse. That was me,

and now it's so not me, Grumbelgig. I just don't care about the works of Grondelgig. What's he doing? And also, where's a little love for the mediocre beasts? All your favorites are not here. I should have, I misspoke. None of your favorites are here. Nobody knows the names of any of the characters. Nobody cares about this franchise, and yet it continues to trundle along. I'm sure making buckets of cash. I just don't know who's... Justin, now I do want to say there are some Harry Potter series favorites in this one.

I'm pretty sure that Lord Voldemort, and I know that's Taboo, but I'm not afraid of him anymore, because I saw Harry Potter kick his ass. He's in it, I think, somewhere. Looking forward to it, to Got My Tickets for Release Day, which I don't know where what that is or what it is. I just want to know where these are. All these people are so worried about their beautiful beasts, and I just want to know what are you all doing to preserve the life of Lily and James Potter, because we have a chance, folks. Yes. You have one opportunity.

Oh, shit. And then J.K. Rowling could just follow her dream and do a completely reimagined Harry Potter series where she starts back in book one. Oh, and this time Lily and James totally alive, totally part of it. They're there. Everything's cool. That's so close, fam. How is this flick two hours and 14 minutes long, fam? The boy... Hey, y'all. Hey, y'all. Gather close. The boy ain't in it. Yeah. The boy ain't in it in this one. That's actually how he's known in this one. The boy who doesn't appear. This is 134 minutes of boy-free material. The boy didn't saddle up for this ride, folks.

It's just Eddie Redman opening up his suitcase and letting out, you know, I don't know, a dog with a, like, I don't know, with a tail, like a fishtail, or like, I don't know, like a big bird. I just... I haven't seen the first one either. I did. I watched it on a plane when I was three deep in the window, and like, y'all, there's no way they're going to top the Buckwild twist ending of that movie, which was this character has been disgraced, shithead, Johnny Depp the whole time. Surprise! He's had a charm cast on him to make him look like someone else, but it was the whole time, disgraced, piece of garbage, shit, Johnny Depp. Gotcha! Yeah, you did get us, I guess, Grimblewald.

Grimblegust. He's chest. Rumblegust. John, Jonathan Depp called David Yates and dredged his way. Hey, it's me, uh, Johnny Depp. Bad news. Here, what is it, Johnny? You're gonna have to add some more minutes. Do you remember those beasts that you said were too fantastic? You're gonna have to include them. Does Grimblewald eat the beasts? Is that his fantastic crimes? Is that Eddie Redman opens up his magic briefcase and the, you know, fairy hippopotamus comes out and Grimblewald eats him? Like, is that the fantastic crime? Just him slowly devouring every animal? I want to take my Nani to the movie theater, make this her first exposure to the Harry Potter series.

So good. I want her to get on board with the HP franchise from the crime of Grimblegust. Let's start it here. This is her window in. This is where it starts. We're gonna sit down for two full Christian hours and 14 Christian minutes and watch the crimes of Bingabus. They stroll across the screen doing magic, hithering yawn, and get these beasts all riled up. If you timed it right, you could go while the sun was out and then get out in the cover of night and think that the end times have come. And then you can just say, like, no, but then listen, there's two characters who are married that you haven't even met yet. They die, but their son doesn't. He goes on a great school adventure for eight years. I'm sitting here looking at the rotten

tomatoes on this one, and I kid you not, it is sitting at 50 percent. Hollywood Glitterati, they're our critics of this great industry we call showbiz, could not even be bothered to form an opinion. As one collective hive mind, they all shrugged and said, I don't know, the boy's not in it, but it is extremely long. This is like if you put out a Superman movie that was about when his dad was in high school, or even worse, like when his dad's math teacher was in high school, and you're like, wait, you call this, why is, where's the Superman like? Well, Superman's not even born yet. Why the fuck am I watching this movie? Well, the math teacher, well, his dad's math teacher wins the science fair. It's like if the Star Wars prequels are about Emperor Palpatine's

childhood friend. I don't know how Rotten Tomatoes does their system, but the last review on here says, a strangely charmless and excessively dingy film, too long and static for anyone but the most diehard, with neither a richness of tone nor color. This is a film guaranteed to sell tickets at the cost of its own soul, and that's a positive one, apparently. Rotten Tomatoes said this is a thumbs up from this particular critic. This is a plump, juicy tomato you can definitely include in your Putinescah. Hey, let's do advice, huh? We've dunked on this dumb movie a lot. Okay, don't come see that movie. Don't go see the film. Don't go see Grimm of Grim wall, but I don't have to tell you that, because you didn't go see the first one, if you're me. Now that it finally feels like차winter,

my boyfriend has finally packed away his summer wardrobe. Turns out, he only has maybe three three pairs of jeans and three sweaters. So over the course of a work week, he mixed and matches different combinations to make five outfits that are all close, but different enough that no one notices he's re-wearing a sweater or a pair of pants by Friday. Today, he wore the same sweaters yesterday

with a different pair of pants. I told him people were gonna notice. And if anything, he should wear the same jeans with a different sweater because people are less likely to notice. He disagreed wholeheartedly and wore basically the same outfit as yesterday to work today.

So what's the official ruling, brothers? How close can you wear things without people noticing and probably thinking you're a little weird and maybe gross? That's from Brisk in Boston. Is this like an SAT prep test? Here's the thing about this question that I think is missing.

Like, when you say no one noticed, what you mean is when your boyfriend walked into work, nobody like pointed at him and said, that's the same sweaters yesterday. Just because no one did that doesn't mean they didn't notice. Well, yeah. And we're not in grade school anymore.

You can't convince yourself that your shit is cloaked just because people didn't bring it to your immediate attention. Now, it depends on what the sweaters look like. If it's like a nice gray pullover and like a red cardigan and maybe just like a nice blue knit deely, then maybe you could switch those out

and people won't notice. But if one of the sweaters say like, I'm a real pizza puppy and it has a picture of a dog eating a big slice of pizza on it and giving a thumbs up on a skateboard, whenever that one comes up in the rotation, people are going to notice that it's pizza puppy shirt time again.

Damn. Now, okay, see, hold on. Now I gotta send an email to the FTBA to get this pizza puppy designed into the store. We gotta get this fast tracked. And make sure you include all of the false starts of like sort of the beginning articles of the pizza puppy that I sort of dropped and ate back up

into my mouth. Maybe we're in like a Doug scenario where it's three of the same sweaters and three of the same jeans. Let's talk about jeans because I think you can wear them shits many days in a row. And I think that you boys would be inclined, especially in the cold months,

it's the cold months, fuck off. Like right, like I'm just trying to survive. I'm gonna wear the same jeans a lot. It's not like I'm doing anything nasty to them. I put on a pair of raw shrink to fit Levi's on the day that we started filming my brother, my brother and me, the television series, September 17th of 2016.

And I have worn those jeans every day since. Not every day. What? Pretty much every day since. Wait, they've been your, hold on, wait, I do know what I said. I do recognize that I said this, but that seems excessive to me.

That's where you do it, Denim. You live in Denim. No, wait, hold on. Yeah. I've seen how you live, Justin. And then you have two small children that help you live in those pants. I would argue they do not help you live in those pants.

They hurt you live in those pants. They contribute to the living you do in those pants. And make the jeans strong. Okay, he's got one strong pair of jeans. The jeans get strong. He's a powerful jeans. Like Krusty, maybe like builds up an exoskeleton. Krusty, if you've lived in your jeans long enough,

they tend to, you get a- If you've lived in these jeans- You live in these jeans. These are like the sisterhood of the traveling pants, except I'm the one doing the traveling, not the pants. And you're the whole, I'm the whole sisterhood. The whole one man sisterhood in these beautiful pants. I just, if you get good denim and you wear it out,

ask Jesse about this, if you get good denim, there are denim heads that'll pay $10,000 for some old jeans they dug out of a coal mine. Somebody died in. They'll like buy the jeans to get them and just wear them every day. And you're not supposed to wash them. You wash them, not at first,

because you're gonna lose a lot of the indigo. What you're trying to do is wear some lines into them and then you wear, you will lose a little bit of the color, but you're also gonna get some of those good wear lines. I'm saying jeans, you wear every day. And stink lines. You fucking junkyard baby, what are you doing? Travis, hey Travis, go, I want you to right now

have a Minto style flashback of all the times you've told me my jeans stink in the past 18 months. And when you come up a little bit short there, Christopher Nolan, you're gonna realize that you don't have any B roll to put into this montage because there ain't none, there ain't no time. He does got you there. What's the appropriate to make this more relatable

because like, I feel like I've thought my position was extreme and then Justin came shrieking into the room with his jeans that stand up on their own. So like, let's come up with a more relatable rule, which is what is the appropriate ratio of tops to long pants to have for like every day wear to a workplace, I'm saying if you, or school or whatever, like I don't give a shit,

I work from home, I'll wear like me on these lounge pants every fucking day, I don't care, I have nothing. But for me, it's like, for me, just going by like my own closet, it's like six to one, six shirts to one pair of long pants, maybe even more favoring the shirts. Yeah, I would say somewhere between five to one, as far, especially when we're talking jeans,

there's something about like a khaki or linen that's maybe two days, but jeans, I feel like you could do jeans for a week, but the thing is, is we're not talking about wear, we're talking about you're going to work in front of other human beings. You need as many shirts as you have days of work. Yes. You need as many shirts

as you could wear in a work week. And you probably, if you have just one extra, then you're mustard proof. But currently you live in a world, I don't want you to live in a world that can be upended by mustard. And that is the precarious situation you find yourself in. Right now you could lose 33.3% repeating

of your wardrobe to a mustard incident. Yeah. There's no peace of mind there. The stakes are way too high, you could never eat. When you're eating steaks, the steaks are too high. How about a yahoo? Yes, yes. This one was sent in by Merritt Palmer, thank you Merritt, it's yahoo answers user.

Kimmy, KimmyD Cricut, what's wrong? Nothing, I'm just excited about it, it sounded good. All right, KimmyD Cricut asks, if you could talk to everyone in the world at the same time, what would your message be to them? I.e., don't use abusive comments. Okay. All right. You all realize, Bruce Almighty,

you can talk, you can shoot out one message, you've grabbed the grocery store, like check out Mike P.A. microphone of the planet and say something into every human being's brain all at the same time. Let's say just for argument's sake, it is the babble fish translated into every imaginable language simultaneously.

You get one message to just blast out there, but one sentence and you can't get, we oughta maybe eat some boy with it. What is your, what is your message? I know. How what you did, no. No Travis, you made a joke and you didn't even think about it. You came up with that

before I even finished reading the question. This is important, we could solve some shit here. Okay, well, I mean, my honest answer would probably be something about myself. Okay, give me that, give me that answer. It would probably be something like, I am Travis, you belong to me now. Something along those lines are like.

That would be cool. I am Travis, protector of man. Or like, something that really establishes like my Godhood, I think would be how I would use it. See, I was trying to think of like, if we could get eating closer to world peace, but your solution might have a sort of like, watchmen like effect where everybody

would become so scared of the God voice, Travis, that they would all band together to like defend themselves for when these judgments descend. It could go the other way, Griffin, of like, they all feel so embraced by God, Travis, that they're like, what's the point of even fighting when we all know and love Travis? It's too dangerous, too dangerous, too dangerous.

Your tact is too dangerous. I feel like whatever the message is, it has to start with, everyone be chill, I know this is wild, but, and then you can say whatever, like, I really, hey. I got my Insta. Here's my fake, here's my new mixtape. This is my sound cloud.

My mixtape is on fire, it's WW. Oh no, I ran out of. Go to buttercupisavagagirl.com, check out pictures of my dog. This is Travis, by the way. Teengoogle.com. Oh, I still have more. Bring back taste stations.

42420. How long is the message, what is the length of the message? You'll know, you'll get a little light that blinks when it's time to wrap up. I think mine would be like, everybody be chill, I know this is weird, but, and then I would just write, Beekman, greater sign,

pointing towards Beekman and Bill Mai. Cause I want to get it out there that I think Beekman was the superior show, Beekman's World, was a lot better than Bill and I, The Science Guy. I've been watching a lot of it on TV and I just want to say that Beekman was better. But there's going to be like,

there's going to be like a four year old living in like, Turkey, who's like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, God voice. No, unless it was, no, not in Spain though. In Spain and Latin America, they're going to go nuts for it. Cause they love, they love Paul Zolim, they love his world that he created.

It's not, it's not a message that just reaches Latin America, Justin. It's the world and I got to have something for everyone. What about everybody leaning to the left? And we see if we can throw off like the world's rotation. It's fun. That can be cool. Everyone, hey everyone, I know this is weird,

but be chill about it. But just give a freaking hug. And that's the love language that spreads across all the world. Not everybody likes hugs, Griffin. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, you're right. Maybe like a knowing nod.

Hey everyone, nod at your friend. This is weird, it's so sorry to intrude, but give a knowing nod to a nearby person. I worry though, if we end up with like a simultaneous worldwide nod, that would also throw off the world's rotation. I'll tell you what. Everybody pick a random number of seconds

and then nod at each other. Yeah. That way we can stagger it. You know what could be really cool? If you could be like, hey everybody, I know this is scary, but everything's gonna be okay, but listen, a sprinkler says what? What about like, hey everybody,

I know this is weird, but be chill, party at Derek's. And then everyone, the world would implode. Like there would be a sinkhole at Derek's house, cause all, what, there's like eight, seven billion of us? Which Derek, Griffin? They would know. I think they would know your intent. You're right, I would have to say like, party at Derek F's.

I am, okay, you know what guys? I'm probably thinking too much about this because I'm starting to come around to this being an extremely good question. Yeah, no for sure. I don't know what I would, if you have the ability to sexy, it's not like, you know, there's this concept

of if you point too much traffic at a website, they're not ready for it, you're gonna like melt the whole site. I feel like you could do that to anything with the world's attention. Like there's nobody individually that's going to be able to withstand complete like world attention,

which is what you would get, I think with this sort of like, awareness bombing. We could not accomplish anything specific or explicit is what you're saying because anything we directed the world's attention to. So it has to be some sort of general message of mental well-being.

And I think it also feels like it would have to be an inception kind of thing. I don't think we could say like, everyone be nice. I think it would have to be like, for example, maybe you have like a product that you wanna go viral. Like you want the next Pogs or you have the next like Beanie Babies. Oh, let's say like Pet Rock.

Pet Rock would be a great example. Like you could send everyone a moment of saying like, haven't you always wanted a pet that doesn't wander off? But this is gonna, Travis, you'd like really not listening because this would destroy the pet rock industry. If all people on earth got horny for it, like we run out of pet rock. Yeah, so it has to be,

can I give you guys maybe the answer? Cause this is, my mind's almost threatening in a way, which is kind of like, it's like good for the spirit of threatening, which is like kind of like a deity like, but you can just be like, hey, everybody I know this is weird, but be chill about it. But listen, mean people suck.

And then people hear that and they're like, wow, well, we know what not to be. And then they put a little love in their hearts. Okay, I think I know what I would actually write. Okay. I think I would write, hey, it's God. Whoa. I'm out.

Okay. Whoa. Hold on. Here's what I'm saying. I would say, hey, it's God. I'm out. Yep. I was real the whole time, but now I'm done ski.

Y'all got it on your own. Y'all got it from here. I was real, but I'm out. So y'all got it from here on out. Y'all got it. That seems like a bad, a bad one to do. Yeah, that seems like that's actually the beginning of revelation.

Yeah. It kind of seems like maybe you accidentally did the apocalypse. No, I think that mine, if you're coming at things from like, like, I think God would say like, hey, y'all be good to each other, keep it chill, but it isn't your individual hands.

So please try to keep it sexy down there. Either way. Either way. We'll just say that. You don't have to pretend to be the Lord abandoning his sheep. You don't have to pretend to be the king of kings abandoning his flock.

You can just say, hey, keep it sexy down there. No, no, no. I don't want people to try to continue to interpret my will. I want them to know that I was real for a while, but now I'm going to leave and they should try to keep their fucking shit together for a second.

Well, then why not leave some ambiguity then and say like, I am God. I may or may not be leaving. This doesn't really matter. Okay. This is untenable. I am God. I'm out.

I'll be back in 25. Keep it. Oh my God. I'm God. Hey, it's me God. Climate change is real and I can't fix it because that that would be a powerful. Now we are talking.

Yes. Yes. It's me God. Climate change is real and it's out of my head. And so am I. So am I. Here's two things that is real. Climate change to me and here's something else is real.

I don't know about this with gang, honestly. I don't know what to do. Y'all fucked up my world. I made it so good. I thought I made it so good you couldn't break it, but look at this. You done broke it. Yeah.

Anyway, check out my SoundCloud. I messed up. Here's another question for the haters. This is just for the haters. I recently went out for dinner with my girlfriend and some friends. We shared some appetizers and I split an entree with my girlfriend.

When the waiter came around and asked if we wanted dessert, everyone said no. Brothers are really wanted that chocolate lava cake, but I didn't want to be the only one eating dessert. What could I have said or done during the meal or after to prevent this tragedy? And this from over-ordering in Ontario, Canada, I presume. This is maybe the best question we've ever gotten.

So thank you for sending it in. Wow. There's a lot of like dining etiquette with your friends. And a lot of this has been solved with technology. Stuff like Vin Mo or Splitwise or whatever. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel, right. The appetizer you order,

maybe not everybody gets a hand on that ball so they don't have some of that. The entrees, maybe yours was more expensive than them. You have apps to deal with that. If you're the only one that wants dessert, now it's also a time issue. And I've been in this situation a lot. I just don't ever get the dessert.

And it's my fault. It's my fault because I am not friends with the sweet tooth gang. I need to make sweet tooth friends. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, Griffin. Here's what you are doing wrong as well as I wonderful. I appreciate them so much, question asker.

And that is you think you're the only one who wants dessert so you didn't speak up. Every one of the table is that. Oh, okay. Every one of the, I have never, I've never been in this scenario where I said, you know what, I would like dessert. And everyone else hasn't gotten one like.

Well, if you're gonna do it. What? And in every, here's the real bellwether. Pick the dessert you want and say you want however many forks are for the people at the table. Watch those motherfuckers not be like, oh, none for me. Thank you.

No, they're gonna have a fork. And you know what else they're gonna do? Guaranteed 80% of the time someone at the table is gonna be like, well, if you're getting that, then I actually want the other one. Eventually you will have every dessert in the restaurant brought to your table. Everybody's got a fork.

They're loving it. They're enjoying like, you're having a meal with friends and now you're splitting a delicious dessert. That's what we're on the fucking planet for gang. This is what we are here for. And it's to reach out and grab this dessert that we're all here for. Let me tell you, here's the trick.

What you do is you ask the server, the waitstaff person, to list the desserts out loud. Because when someone's looking at a paper, right? That's not a shared communal experience. Just ask and as they're listing them out loud, you make odd contact with everybody at the table and kind of nod a little bit like, ooh, ooh, ooh, that sounds good.

Before any time has passed, you're having like a full on like, hedonistic dessert party. Have you ever been to a restaurant where they do the thing, where they bring out like fake desserts for you to enjoy? And you can like pick them from the fake ones? I've never done that before. But I always kind of wondered what it would be like.

That's pretty good. It's pretty boss, dude. Yeah, as good as I imagine it would be. I've also been to a place where they brought out my steak, pre-cooked, showed it to me, and said, this looks good, right? And then went and cooked it. Here's a little teaser trailer for you, Trav.

Well, this one is plastic. We will throw it away. Why don't we do this with a whole menu, where they bring out, there's just sort of like a very strong sort of Lou Ferrigno type who's carrying many trays out and it has every possible thing you could eat. And he kind of walks it around the restaurant constantly,

sort of like somebody announcing the rounds at a prize fight or something like that. And then you can pick it off. I'll have what Lou Ferrigno is having on his left pectoral muscle. I believe that's the lasagna. I think we can all agree, like the second most exciting thing

when you go to Red Lobster is the big tank of lobsters and you pick your own lobster. So good, so good. The first most exciting thing is when the best business come out. But the lobster in the tank, what if we just did that for fucking every, like you went in and said like,

and that's the broccoli I'll be having. Yeah. With like that potato, like the control you would feel. But the potatoes floating in a big fish tank. Yeah. He's got googly eyes on him. There should be a,

they all have name tags. There should be a combination of groceries to a restaurant where you go grocery shopping and then you take your bags of groceries and you just up in them in the kitchen. So here I can't, I've picked the freshest, all the finest and all the freshest and the finest.

I picked the freshest and the finest. Please make this into dinner for me. Please. You know, some chopped heads though would go in there with like some gummy bears, some jasmine rice, some surge and pork tummy and say like, do it, do it, ha ha ha, you have 30 minutes. Those LOL dolls are clearly for my daughter.

They weren't part of the meal and you know it. You've shamed me. But they are delicious. This is very, yeah, this is very good. Do you guys ever do that thing where you know you need to go to the grocery store and you put it off for so long that you end up coming home right at dinner time

and you're in hell because all of a sudden you have no dinner and all these groceries just unload and no way to get dinner? Have you guys ever done that? Cause I think that's a great time to order pizza. Who is this guy? Who's this character?

So if I'm following you Justin, what you're saying is the problem is when you bring food home, you're faced with, well, now I have to do something with the food. No, I'd rather not. It's pizza clock. Yeah, I'm just saying that's a great time for my family, for us to all order pizza.

Honey, let's make it a night in with pizza. But you just went to the store. You have brought, I'm tired. Travis, quit fucking contradicting this incredible character Justin has said. Justin has created a new character here who I'm very enthusiastic about, which is time for pizza.

Okay, that's okay. We've got the pilot of Justin sitcom, time for pizza with Justin. I'm exhausted. I went to the store and I've bought all the freshest of friedest and I don't want to cook any more honey cause I'm so tired from buying the groceries.

And I just was thinking, how about you and me and the kids, Rhett Paddington too for Red Box? Wait for Red Box, you're already home. Are you going to go back out to get the Paddington too? They're riding across the street that doesn't have any good groceries and it doesn't have a pretty good Red Box lecture

and they're going to rate Paddington too and we're going to get a pizza tonight. Right on the special requests of the Domino's Pizza Tracker, could you just grab me Paddington too on the way? He can't even stop my ride, that'd be great. They should have a, they used to have, you remember for a while some chain had a deal

or they'd bring you a DVD inside your pizza. I just remember they had a Drop Dead Fred, it was one of the options. So you could get Drop Dead Fred delivered to your house. And that was last year that they offered that, which was weird. The problem is that FBI saw that as domestic terror

so they had to very much stop. Should we money zone? Yes, let's. Yeah, let's do it. The Pizza Hut was giving away the films available or Bill and Ted's Bogus journey, all dogs go to heaven too. Mr. Mom and Honeymoon in Vegas, are you fucking with me?

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like taxes or like when you get home from the supermarket and you have all your groceries and it's like, well now I got to make dinner. Oh, time for pizza, right? And also you have to get life insurance. And it's not super fun. Like Theresa and I just like did our wills which is like a huge bummer.

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to find the best policy for you. They also compare disability insurance, auto insurance and home insurance. So if you care about it, they cover it. So if you've been avoiding getting life insurance because it's difficult or confusing, give policy genius a try. Go to policygenius.com, get your quotes

and apply in minutes. You can do the whole thing on your phone right now. Policy genius, the easy way to compare and buy life insurance. I got a message for Walt and Liz and it's from Knick, Ram, Will, Max, Julia, Miles and Dave. It says, Walt and Liz, congratulations on your engagement. All of your D&D pals are wishing you the absolute best

the next year at D&D Destiny and whatever new venue for hijinks we can imagine on behalf of Max, Will, Ram, Nick, Julia, Miles and Dave. We couldn't think of a better way to say it than with the help of these brothers. You rock. And that's for April 17th. That's my birthday and your engagement day.

Congratulations on this wonderful commitment and... It's also seven Gregorian months ago. That's fine because they wanted a good year at Destiny and I gotta tell you, it's been great. All my pals on there have been getting the best and biggest guns and I did find Master Chief in the game and Bungie sent me $500. Whoa!

There's another message here and it's for Alyssa and it's from Madeline or Madeline perhaps who and Alyssa says, happy birthday to my friend, my style icon, my favorite buff baby and my fellow trash person. Thank you for introducing me to Tasman, VimBam and a countless, clever turns of phrase that I have promptly stolen.

Being friends with you has made me a better person and I love you. This is a, that's one of those word thieves. And I think we gotta crack down on this. We've been letting word thieves off for too long. I don't have an end to that sentence. The problem, well that's because someone stole it. Shit birds.

Yeah, you were gonna have an end to that sentence and someone just swiped right in. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Graham. And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine. We love it here and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week

on Stop Podcasting Yourself here on MaximumFun.org. We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada and listen to our show or perish. Stop podcasting yourself on MaximumFun.org. There's a yahoo, can I read? Or Justin, do you have one of your great segments? No, I don't have a segment.

I just wanted to say that Papa John's did the movie thing too. And their offerings were seen it, Junior. The best of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends. Durango Kids, or Weekend at Bernie's too. Jeez. You know that last one was just because Father John thought it was the funniest flick.

The funniest shit. When they made this promotion, is it cause they like found a box of DVDs like out of landfill or something and they were like, well, we've got these. I bet you a copy of the Papa John's cuts of Rocky and Bullwinkle's got to be worth like a good 10 large these days.

This one was 10 large pizzas? Yes, this yahoo was sent in by Adrienne Cowles. Thank you, it's an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm gonna call Father John, who asks, is it normal to be bored in ballet class? I want to be a ballerina, but sometimes I get bored or don't wanna go to class. Is this normal?

It's a great question. Can you want to be a ballerina extremely badly and also be really bored by ballet and learning it and you don't wanna do it? Tough. Griffin, I would argue that that is how like revolutionary ballerinas are born. I see.

Right, cause you're dancing there in class and you're like, so boring, but then maybe you make a friend and the dance that your friend does is like, really like, what you're doing out there, dancing, I don't know on top of trash cans or whatever, like that's the kind of dancing I should be doing. Let's dance together down the sidewalk,

but I'm gonna combine my ballet dancing with your like cool new dancing. Yeah. And now we've got, I don't know, good dancing. Look out, Bob Fossey. We're good dancing. Bob Fossey sees it and explodes. Oh no, we've killed Bob Fossey.

I tried to go to ballet class once I showed up and they were like, where are your special shoes? And I said, I have no idea where you're all getting these, these incredible special shoes for ballet. And they threw me out and I never, they never let me take a class there. I've been to plenty of pay lesss. In my day, I practically lived out of a pay less

through college, never saw a single one of those kinds of special shoes that they said that were everywhere. Yeah. I've seen a lot of movies and as far as I can tell. Thanks, Trev. That's a great point. Well, I'm not done. Yeah, I know.

I thought it'd be funny if I pretended like that was all you were saying is about how many movies you've seen. I've seen a lot of movies, mostly through pizza companies. And I've seen a lot of movies. Gang, all the movies I've ever seen are from pizza. And let me hear, I'm here to tell you, movies aren't good. I don't know what all the hubbub's about.

Movies are really bad. And sometimes they make sequels without making the original movie. And I think that that's- They didn't introduce any of the characters. I didn't know what was going on. But I'm pretty sure you get ballet shoes when you ask your papa and your papa says that,

like your family can't afford them. But then your papa, like, I don't know, either strikes it rich or like, I don't know. Sells his magic pocket watch to afford. Something like that. And then like, happy birthday, ballet shoes. Helps make them. But that's, we're dodging the question,

which is that the class is so fucking boring. I wanna be a ballerina so bad. God, I wanna be a ballerina so bad, but I hate the dancing that they do because it puts me to sleep. God. I need to see other people in the class. You know, maybe it's not the dancing, but rather like there's just no drama happening.

That's possible, yeah. It could just have a boring teacher. You could have Ben Stein up there. But like, if I was you in the dance, you know, good dance. Oh, gotta do that. And then I looked over and it was like, I wish that those two people were gossiping or I wish I hated them.

You know, something like that just to keep it spicy. You saw Black Swan and thought that it was gonna be cool like that movie where all that cool stuff happens. I did once on a bus trip to New York with my choir watch center stage like six times in a row. And it gave me, I would say a skewed perspective on what the professional dance world is like. A lot of backstabbing.

A lot of backstabbing, a lot of love triangles. My only exposure, excuse me, teacher, teacher, my only exposure to ballet before this, my first ballerina lesson was Suspiria. So where's the witch who lives in the mirror? Because that seemed like an integral part of learning, you know, the different positions and stuff. What was the one with Julia Stiles?

Save the Last Dance. Was that that one? Isn't that the movie you were talking about for a long time? Yeah, for what it was for like two years. Yeah. But I couldn't remember the title. Yeah, it was Save the Last Dance.

Uh-huh. Mm. They should make a prequel to that. Justin, please save us. About the first dance. Justin, please save us from this. Save the pit old dance. He saved it.

Well, damn. Or what if it was just called use up all the other dances? Yeah. Waste the dances, but save the last dance. So how about another question? Bring a Game Boy. Bring a Game Boy to ballerina class and you can play Tetris and Pokemans and Bubble Bobble

and Kicks and Cubert and all of the real games for real gamers. The flash while you learn how to step on the tips, tippy tips of your toes, like gravity doesn't apply to you like a beautiful bird. Justin, what's the next question? My boyfriend and I were traveling in New Zealand and we happened to be there for our anniversary. So we decided to go to the local aquarium to celebrate.

We were in a small town. You don't have to make excuses for going to the aquarium. Aquariums are great. However, upon entering, we realized it doubled as the town's movie theater. And in order to get to the showing, you had to walk through the aquarium. Tickets to the movies were about half as much

as tickets to the aquarium. Even though the aquarium itself was so small, you could basically see the whole thing on your way to whatever movie you were seeing. But staff told you to keep your eyes down and not to linger if you needed to leave the theater to use the aquarium's bathroom. Holy shit.

My question is, which is less morally depraved? Sneaking into a movie or sneaking into aquarium, especially when they're in the same building that's from still confusing Cape Cod. This is a great question, but I would have to say for this question to apply, they would have to both be in the same building. Yeah, this is an extremely deeply not relatable question

because this is the only building on earth where this situation will ever be an issue. I do gotta say it's a challenging one though because you're in there, you're watching Grimblewood's Crimes and all of the great acting makes you wanna just piss your pants. And so you stand up and you go and while you're about to go to the bathroom,

you're walking on your way there and you're hustling because you don't wanna miss any crimes. They're blasting off a crime of men in there. You do hear two excited teens saying like, that shark is really fucking the shit out of that other shark. But you can't look at that because you didn't pay to see this love act?

What if you like, do you think that there's like, I don't know, like a hundred workers who are just waiting to see if you look up so they can charge you like, you look to the shark fuck, that's $20. Yeah, ha, gotcha, 20 New Zealand dollars too. Who knows how much that is. Nobody, here's the thing, here's the good news about it.

If you head over to the Picton cinemas at 10, 15 a.m., 2, 45 p.m. or 7, 15 p.m. and get comfy for the next two hours and 14 minutes because you are going to be able to pay one price to see all the crimes of Grindelwald. And then while you, when you get bored, you go over to the aquarium. You got them both there in one.

And you can book online too, which is huge. But why would you get bored while watching the crimes of Gumbaba? Is this the exact building that you, did you find it? Yeah, I've traced it to the Picton cinemas. Do you think that there's another cinema in town that their tagline is, we don't have any, we don't have to have any fish?

Don't be tempted by these rad fish. You don't have to pay for it. We're just Grindelwald over here. Oh, I said it right. No, you're saying free. Now he's out there. I don't understand. Why is anyone coming to the movies?

I've got it. And they just go and like buy a beta fish and like a little like, you know, bowl and they just put it on the concessions counter to try to try it. Don't look at the bowl though. Don't look at the bowl as you pay me a dollar. But it's right next to the popcorn spray.

Nope. Nope. No. Eyes down. Piss eyes down. Eyes down. Don't linger. That's my bowl.

Piss somewhere. Don't linger. What if all aquariums did this and they were like, come on in. You can use our space for a birthday party or whatever. If you look at one fish, so help me God. And then it's like a fun game. We should do that.

We go to aquariums every time we travel because I don't know we're big marine life fans, I guess. Next time I go in, I'll pay the admission price and see how long I can go without looking at one sort of aquatic creature that God made for us to enjoy in the ocean. Because I bet I can't go very long. No, they're right there.

It's so tempting. Who could say no to that? I could do it for all the boring fish except for the one big window, which is the only cool part of the fish, part of the aquarium. But then as soon as I get to Penguin Town, it's that's the ball game

because I got to see these guys. It is. What are they up to? It's weird the sort of like, you go to the aquarium and it's weird how quickly you go from like, oh man, this is amazing to like, what are I carrying? It's just another tank full of fish.

Wake me up when you got something better. Oh, it's swimming. It's swimming, big deal. My ideal aquarium, it is all those walkway tunnels where you're inside because you can make believe that you're the fish now and you can do some light limpid play and then you do get into one big room

with like the big like panel that's open into the ocean. And then there's a quick funnel cake break and then you're this Penguin Town baby and the penguins will see you out. I would like one room where it's just like thigh high water that you actually wade through to get to the other side. Okay. And then again, you're wet for the rest of it,

but like also, listen, I spend all day in the aquarium and I'm looking at fish and water and I'm like, I'm here in the stupid air. Yeah. I wanna be in water. I'll tell you what I also need in my idealized aquarium is at any point during this like very linear pathway, there can be like a little offshoot hall that you can,

and the hall is like three quarters of a mile long. And then at the end of that is like the petting place because I don't want to see, smell, experience that in any way without giving my explicit consent by making the long journey to it. Cause that part of the aquarium always makes me quite sad. The horseshoe crabs don't wanna be touched there, Richard. This, and they smell not great.

So like, I'm trying not to be mad at the horseshoe crabs for their bad smell. Cause I know they're not going through a great time either. What with all of their Richard touching. I would say if I worked in an aquarium, I would take special care, well, of the fish, but also like whenever I'm making the little plaques that go next to the tanks,

I would add some like fun details in there that maybe aren't super true. But I've also been to lots of aquariums and I've never seen a human being read those plaques before. Absolutely not. Tell me about this fish. This blue, it's got a stripe and it's about the size of my hand.

Yep. I'm good to go. I figured that one out on my own. I would add into the plaque something like, and if you listen really closely, you can hear it speak English. And then just like watch people like lean into the glass like, what really?

I mean, that panel could just say like, hey, shithead, you're a piece of garbage. You're an idiot because you're not, I bet you're not going to ever read this. Oh, we can combine two bits from this episode. Let me pick which fish I want to eat as I walk through the aquarium to the rest of it. No, I think you got to catch it.

I think it's up to- I love my bare hands. I think it's up to you to catch it. Well, I mean, this is an aquarium, right? So you can pay more for a tool of some sort. Would that change the way you feel about the petting area, Griffin? If you just reached in, picked up a starfish

and then threw it in a deep fryer? Only if I would not feel comfortable doing that because he would be flopping in a way that would sort of mean like, it's not my time to die, Griffin. But I will say- No, no, please. What's going to get me over the hump is if there is,

and this could be like a person in costume or maybe just the actual guy made flesh, but the chef from Little Mermaid who's singing his great song about killing all the animals. A plus song. Yeah, him, if he's doing it, then I feel like I would get into the spirit of his fun sort of murder song.

And I would throw this, I'd pop the swordfish right down in that hot bath. Yeah, and you know what? Maybe like, maybe ease my morals a little bit and tell me that all the fish in this room are super old. That could be good. Maybe they're all jerks. Maybe there's another long tunnel

that the fish can swim through and it's a one-way trip and it ends in the fish kitchen at hand. Then they know, I've had a lot of fun entertaining children. I've seen a lot of noses pressed up to glass. I'm ready. It's time to make the doughnuts. And it's time to make me doughnuts.

And then they know, and then they know. And it's like, it can be fun. There can be like, and then they can play music on the tunnel and they can have pictures of their friends and kids on the tunnel. That's nice. Like an elephant graveyard kind of thing.

It's like the end of Big Fish, which is great and appropriate. Folks, that's gonna do it for us this week. Thank you so much for joining us. We always love having you here. And we... I also want to say thank you to J.K. Rowling for paying for the sponsored episode.

We should have mentioned that, but your support means a lot. Yeah, we've done sponsored episodes in the past, but none where we've explicitly said not to patronize the product that has given us money to sponsor it. So this is a unique way of doing things and thank you, J.K., for the support.

We also want to say thanks to the Maximum Fun Network for having us as a part of their extended podcasting family. We have a newsletter you can sign up for at bit.ly for its slash McElroy mail. It's not a pyramid scheme, which is really important. A lot of people have asked us about that and it's not. We're not sure who keeps saying that. We've seen buzzings about it in the blogosphere.

Not a pyramid scheme. Not a pyramid scheme. Oh, hey, we will have another episode of our annual eternal podcast. Son of a, son of a guy. Until Death Do Us Blart will arrive on American Thanksgiving as it has every year and will continue to until the end of linear time.

It will be the fourth episode of the show, which means that we're going to be watching the film Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 with our friends Tim and Guy. Y'all, I bought it on Blu-ray this year. I'm excited. I'm still renting it. Straight up, Guy is in India.

I have no idea how we're going to get all this together, but it will be there on Thanksgiving Day and we hope you enjoy it. Till Death Do Us Blart is the name of that. I didn't give the hard pluck. Till Death Do Us Blart, subscribe now. There's four, sorry, three episodes to catch up on. Yeah, let's see, what else?

Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for these sort of theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed, great album, great song, great dude, great vibes. We've got our shows coming up in Austin and Denver, so make sure you send those questions in now with Denver or Austin in the subject line.

Let's wrap it up. Wrap it up. That's it, we're good. You're the one who does it, though. So like, what are you waiting? So here's a final yahoo. This one is sent in by Bree McNeil. Thank you, Bree.

It's yahoo answers user Sierra. Who asks? Explain Keenan and Cal. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother, and may kiss your dad's, where are the lips? Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. So Max FunCon tickets go on sale this Friday, November 23rd at 11 a.m. Pacific, and I'm trying to write a promo. Okay, so what do they need to know to look forward to? Inspiring classes.

Live podcast tapings. Standup showcase. The s'mores party. Making new friends. Don't forget about the dance party. Oh, and it all takes place on a beautiful mountaintop. Okay, got it. Anything else?

Well, if we missed anything, they can find all the details at maxfuncon.com. And we'll see you in June. June. I think that went really well. It went really well too. Yeah, that sounded good. Great job.