My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 436: Face 2 Face: I Had Charcuterie Today!

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Join us and a rowdy crowd of wild Texans from our live show at the ACL Live at the Moody Theater as we discuss What’s-A Christmas to Me, Modern Day Knights and the art of arranging old, old meats and cheeses on slabs of ancient wood.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new craze, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the Modunera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis Patrick McElroy.

You'll get them next time, champ. I'm hometown boy, made good, and 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin McElroy. I kind of thought I was going to win. We love coming to Texas. And playing fucking Candy Crush while we're doing it. Austin has almost, it almost feels like home to us now, because we've played here so many times. It's like a home to us, like a second home. Austin's like a second home. It's like coming home for me. It's like coming home for us. It's almost like we own property here, and all of our shit is here.

It's, that's what it feels like. You know, you come, you see old friends, old family, old lovers. I thought it would be better. Old lovers, I actually would love to explore. That's tough. That's tough. I've had a lot of old lovers. We saw, we saw Willie backstage. Saw, saw Willie. So cool to see Willie.

Saw Willie, he welcomed us to his street. He welcomes everybody here to Austin City Limits when you come in. Willie greets you at the door. And I know you, I know you're wondering, do they smoke us out? He's actually guys. No, he's very cool about like. Is it more of a character that he plays? He's a character. He's a, please call me Bill.

He was wearing a business suit. He was wearing like kind of a like business jacket over a polo. Yeah. He's also like 36 years old. Yeah, that's the weirdest thing. He's also wearing a wire. And that's hard to lean over to get me a starburst off our starburst table. And I saw it down his shirt.

And first of all, I was like, I'm seeing down Willie Nelson's shirt. This is a life time experience mental picture. But also I saw the fucking wire. I saw the wire. He does this funny bit though. We're like every five minutes, I'm above nothing. I'll just say, I'm not a cop.

Yeah, it's cool. It's really good. He said one thing that was so cool backstage. She's like, I think you guys are going to put on great show tonight. Can I interest you in some marijuana, which is illegal within the state of Texas? Just to clarify that, would you still like some marijuana? And he said, you Travis McRoy.

Travis McRoy is the one who said that. He's reaching into his pocket. He narrated a lot. Everything we did, he said, and now you're walking across the room. Speaking to the flower. He said my huge comical flower. And when I pulled out my gun, he was like, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee.

Just waiting and watching the windows. I don't normally have a gun, but when you cross the bounds into Texas, they give you one. They throw it in the open window of your car as you drive past the city. It was in my luggage, actually, which is so weird. It wasn't, I didn't pack it. It was just in there with a nice some honey, some local honey. Now, one of those is for your allergies.

Keep it straight. Keep it straight. It's not the gun. Well, we have returned to you Austin, and like the Chilean miners, we have reemerged from the ground. Are the Chilean miners known for returning to places? They went back, guys, can I be honest with you? I missed the fucking cave.

Let's go, let's go chug it off. Where's my wallet? Ah, fuck. Yeah, I'm going back to the cave. Chilean miners, too. I don't have to take this. The squeak wall. This time they have to get back in.

Oh, they put up some kind of tape over the front. What are we going to do? We have to go back. Hey, gang, this table is real wet, and I was the only other one to do a show out here tonight. That's a cool mystery. Really? So anyway, this is an advice show.

We are not used to playing theaters where there are people in the round here. So if you feel like you're not getting this is actually a thrust. Yeah, it's a thrust. In the round, it would be behind us. It's a thrust. Okay, Jesus. Three quarters would be on it.

We get it. I know you guys get frustrated because you have useless theater degrees. Fair enough. And you seem like they just came in pretty useful, Griffin. Yeah. What news story will you be writing about this evening's performance? Anyway.

Why is James crying? Because he just got dunked on. So anyway, hi, if you feel like you're not getting service, please let us know. Silently. I don't know how you'll accomplish that, but here's the question. I get monthly massages as a way to de-stress and maintain sanity. Fuck yeah. I have seen the same person every month for a little more than a year.

I noticed about three months ago while massaging my left hand, she seemed to avoid my pointer finger. Your pointer finger? My pointer finger. My punter finger. I thought I'm going to kick it there. I thought, okay, that's weird. She moved my right hand and massage my hand and all five fingers.

I thought maybe it was a fluke and I went on with my month until the next massage. It happened again and again the time after. It always is my left hand and always the pointer. Is there something that could be wrong with my finger to cause such an aversion? I mean, it's a pretty normal finger, I think, and this is now causing what should be a relaxing time into an anxious nightmare. Should I say something? What should I say?

Please help. That's from Sora Pointer in DFW. Are you here? Okay. Hi. What are you going to say? Like, hey, you forgot my finger. If you're ever wondering.

No skipsies. If you're ever wondering if you should ask your massage therapist for a specific part of your body to be deeply serviced. Repeatedly. The answer is yes, obviously. How else are they going to know? How else will they know what you are? There's a 0% chance it's a normal index finger.

I'm thinking, because I was thinking about it, and if you get the other hand piggies, right, and then you skip that one to go for thumb, it's harder to skip it than to just include it. Oh, maybe the massage therapist is super excited to get to that fucking thumb. Yeah, maybe it's not a bad pointer. Maybe it's an awesome thumb. They're on the pinky, like, oh, God, this is the hand. I'm almost there.

Ring finger. Oh, shit. Here, the thumb is on the middle finger. I can't take it anymore. I gotta get to the fucking thumb. How cool is your thumb? It's a cool thumb, probably. Maybe they saw you do something with that finger, huh?

Something evil. Do you legally have to tell us? This is a podcast. You have to tell us if you did something nasty. What did you do with your secret finger? I think you met my finger. What'd you do? No, but really, what'd you do?

No answer, Chloe. No answer. The crime is unspeakable. Terrible crime. Maybe it's just, maybe your massage therapist is just making sure you're paying attention, and they're like bummed out that you haven't mentioned the finger. Yeah, it's a test.

I clearly skipped their finger. This is how these things start to erode, though. They skip the finger. You don't notice they skip two fingers, five fingers, the whole hand, the arm, the whole side of the body. Eventually, you're paying $60, and they slap you on the butt, and that's the whole massage. They say, good game, chief.

Good game, chief. Thanks for the 60 buckaroonies. That's been an hour. I don't think it has. Do you know? It could be accident, though. Your body has so many parts. If you think about it, everybody close your eyes

and try to list out all of the parts of your wonderful body. At the top of your lungs. Just as loud as you can. As loud as you can. Good Christ. We can't say stuff like that. It's happened by my math four times. What?

That's not an accident. You don't miss the exact same part of the body over and over and over again. That's true. If it was an accident, they would miss different things. Like, oh, didn't get my right foot that time. Is your left index finger maybe somehow bad, or the same exact color of the fabric of the massage table? Do you have camo finger?

Do you have one camo finger? Because I would fucking do it. Do you have, like, a real shifty finger where they go for it and the finger just dodges out of the way? And they can't seem to get it off? Yeah, maybe they're trying to rub the finger, but you instinctively pull it away because it's your weakest finger. Did you lose your finger in a lawn mowing accident?

Now you have phantom finger. Oh, shit. Do you have phantom finger? Do you have phantom finger? If so, you have the delis. You legally have to tell us it's a podcast. How about a yahoo? Okay, I feel like we helped enough.

This one was sent by Graham Robuck. Thank you, Graham. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user. I'm going to call them Scalver. Scalver asks, Why are we don't see knights in this day and age? I assume you mean, like, k knights. Yes, Trax.

Now, like, why don't we see beautiful story knights? Homophones, good. Every time they show up as a joke. The homophone tree is a giver. Ripe fruits on the homophone tree. Why are we don't see knights in this day and age? Maybe we do. Okay.

Okay. Griffin? Griffin, it's me, the cops. Do you legally can't interrupt your brother for the next two minutes? Yeah, explain. So Travis, maybe we do go on. Okay, I am saying. Hold on, I'm looking at the timer.

No bullshit. Go. I'm saying that maybe when you see, I'm like a BuzzFeed, like, ah, man climbs outside a bridge to save like a puppy on like the leg of the bridge or whatever it's called. The, the bridge holder, the man saved it. And you're like, oh, well, good person. Just like, no, that person's a knight.

And the person who put the dog there is an evil knight. Okay, time in. I'm sorry. I made it a good 20 seconds to my great credit. So there were a lot of things in there that you kind of showed that you didn't know about. Okay, the bridge one is a gimmie. Yeah. Yeah, the bridge is a gimmie.

I know that there's a bridge pillar. That's not right. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I'm gonna feel right. So the, were they a knight? Did they, did they knight them as a result of their actions? Or were they knights before?

They were knights before. Okay. That's why they had to save the dog. They were walking over in the store. They see the dog down there and like, ah, damn it. And then they had to save the goddamn dog. The evil knight on his Google calendar had a thing that said, get dog.

And then another appointment right after that that said place dog gotten in previous G cal entry on top of bridge leg. And so this hope other night doesn't come along. That's it. Evil knight walks under bridge and just like lifts a dog up, puts it on top of the bridge leg and says, oh, that's good. That's good stuff. That's good evil there.

I hope you're happy, evil Jesus. I've done your bidding. I am Justin. Good job, Justin. I'm proud of you again. So how else does the dog get there? All right. We've had a lot of fun here.

I'm up here turning wine into clamato. Ah, walk on water. No, I walked on your mom's rug. The one that's just for guests. For guests and I wore my shoes. I'm petting evil Jesus. I found Lazarus and I killed him. Some of the miracles of evil Jesus.

Sure. We would like to be fair. Killing somebody isn't really a miracle. Yeah. That's easy. They gave me five fish and three loaves of bread and I scrummed it down on that shit. The electric.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Okay. Listen, we all went to Southern Baptist Church for a long time. We can list out all the miracles. Don't mean to brag. Why the fuck aren't there knights this day and age? Travis's shit was not real, was not in the realm of realness.

Well, there are. Doesn't the like Elton John's a knight, right? Aren't there models? I don't think he's the same kind of knight. No, he is. No, he is. He is, he is, he is. If they go to war, the queen calls him up.

It's like, all right. Shrap up. All right. It's a go time. Saturday night's all right for a fight. You have to fucking do this. You made a fucking promise. It's a go time, Elton.

You're going to space to claim Mars. Rocket man. Prove it. What other songs? You're so tough. A lot of fun songs. You can use your father's gun. So he had another song called my.

Take a crocodile with you. Yeah. Sorry, Sir Elton. This is the circle of life. This is the way these things go from Lion King. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right.

Here's another question. Whenever I'm invited to someone's house to hang out, I always bring some kind of food. This feels like the polite thing to do in exchange for hospitality. The problem is no one ever seems to eat what I bring. My chips and queso go ignored and I'm left picking at it by myself. Oh man, I didn't read that part. That's so sad.

Okay. So my question is how can I enjoy these snacks without looking like I just brought them for myself or what can I do to get my friends to enjoy these snack comes with me. That's from eating alone in Austin. It just seems like a win-win to me. Either your friends enjoy your tasty meal or you get to eat like a pound of queso. Yeah. And are you cute?

Okay. If we're all being honest with ourselves. Then let's. And let's. When you present the queso, are you really selling it? Are you like, anybody wants to get, oh great, this is for me. That's it. Anybody wants to go, no.

Who wants this stinky, shitty queso? Nobody. Yeah, we didn't, I didn't sit. Like I said, I didn't see the part where you said you picked at it. If you're holding it in your arms. The entire time. Come get some queso. Does anybody want some of this?

Who wants to fucking wrestle me for queso? Come in for a chip hug. Yeah. There's some parties that you bring food to. There's some parties that you don't. You can't just decide as a guest that it's a party everybody's bringing food to. Sure. The host won't know.

If I was, okay, there's a lot of foods that you can eat without knowing the contents of. queso is at the very bottom of the list. You start with queso, then you work up from there. If I'm the host of this party, I'm going to see that and walk over to my friends like, Hey, I didn't. That's not my case. I don't know. I don't know where that case is.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't eat that queso. I don't know where it, in fact, I wouldn't even say I'm 100% sure it's queso. It may not be queso. They don't make transparent cheese. What if it's, what if they brought queso and no chips? It's just, surely you have chips somewhere. There's a whole bowl right there in front of you.

Look at it. The gelatinous sauce. Enjoy this cheese flavor. Maybe it's just pre queso. Like it has to be microwaved. Gross. Why is that gross? It is gross though.

No, you don't like cheese. It's raw queso is what you're saying. Did, did, did, where'd you put it? Because there's tables where food can go that it is communal. But if you open the, if you put it under the sink and close it, no one's going to eat that queso. Okay. This is an excellent point because if you walk in and you put it by like the front,

the table by the front door where you keep like your keys and mail, if I walk in and saw queso there, I'm like, well, that's for trick or treaters. Yeah. They are going to a queso party after this party. Right. That's not for the, no, no, that's for later. If I saw it on someone's bedside table, I'd be like, oh, that's their nighttime queso. Yes.

Similar point. What are you serving it out of? Because if you're using it on like a, you know, something from the Martha Stewart collection, like a nice oak tray with polished metal handles. Now we're hopefully a bowl also and not just sort of loose queso slip sliding around there. Now we're talking. If you serve it out of a big toilet that you just got from the Lowe's and you wheel in on a wheelbarrow or something.

Do you remember for a period in the 80s when everybody brought everything in shed spread country rock containers? Is that just our family? I guess. I have a yahoo here. Oh, it's from Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. It's a yahoo answers user Al the pal who asks, why isn't my fruits and vegetable blog getting views?

I made it. Yep. Yep. Oh, dang. Oh, beans. Oh, beans. It's all beans that this. Oh, beans.

I made a blog to talk about how I love fruits and veggies. Spent $150 to get it started. Sorry. Spent $150 dollars somethings to get it started beans. I made a deal with a guy for a cow. Spent $150 to get it started. I even made a recipe involving putting cheese on broccoli. The ultimate sacrifice.

You poor cheese. Oh, I hate to do this to these good veggies, but it'll get the clicks. I can't believe I ruined the broccoli for this. Sleep now, my sweet green prince. My grandma's broccoli. So look, it's been in my family for years. It's an heirloom. It's an heirloom broccoli.

An heirloom tomato. Yeah, sir. I am not getting supporters. How to get popular. They spelled it super wrong. Alert. I'd like to say something. Yes.

It's this. S-E-O-K-R-A. Okay. Justin didn't know how he was going to get that one in. I just wanted to say S-E-O-K-R-A. Thank you. Because S-E-O is search engine optimization. These people got it already, so you all don't listen, okay?

Y'all go to the lobby. Get yourselves a snack and come back in 10. Okra. Take it back. Hey. How the fuck did you spend $150 on your vegetables website? My friend? Maybe it wasn't buying the vegetables.

What are you supposed to do? Have a vegetables website without any vegetables on it? Come on. I'm imagining somebody with a van of potatoes. Just- How many potatoes can I get for this many? Just taking them and placing them around the modem. Like.

There's something. Go, go, go guys. Go, go. Maybe they like vegetables too much. Screaming at the modem. I like these. These are good. I know.

I guarantee this person paid like, I don't know, the cool neighborhood kid, like $150 to start them a vlog. Like I said, they were. And they're like, how's the website doing? And they're like, not a lot of clicks. I think I'm going to need another 20 bucks. Can you give me another 20 dollars? Maybe they like vegetables too much on the blog.

Have you all noticed when you read a recipe for vegetables- Do you want to do this at the stand mic? No, they love vegetables already. Do you ever notice when you read an online recipe for vegetables, after they write 3,000 words about how supportive their husband is? You get to- You get to the part where they talk about vegetables, and it's always like, these taste exactly like hot butter popcorn.

It's like, I don't think so. Actually, I don't actually think that. But it doesn't even feel guilty for not enjoying vegetables as much as they do. So maybe this blog is like making people feel a little bit put on the spot. I would pay $150 for a vegetable website, where like the headline of the recipe is like, do you want to make vegetables palatable? This is fun.

This is as close to good as it like- It doesn't taste like hot butter popcorn, but it doesn't not taste like hot butter popcorn. You all are missing the fucking point of this artist's website. Then I'm going to get a blog about how to make tasty vegetables. I made a blog to talk about how I love fruits and veggies. It is a little narrowly targeted. Hale-Hale-Wary Internet Traveler, Greg again.

This time, Asparagus. Love, love to eat it, but my pee. What? Ha ha ha, little, little joke. Like and subscribe. Like it, I like this post as much as I like Asparagus. Next week, Kiwi Fruits. Spoiler alert, like them.

Like them. How much? A lot. A lot. Teahee emoji. That's the whole post. Damn it. I used all my content for next week.

I've burned it already. Anyway, support me on Patreon. Thanks. I need to recoup some expenses. Necessary expenses. Necessary expenses. Kiwis don't buy themselves. That's right.

Not yet. Read on. I'm Jeff Bezos, and these are my new self-buying Kiwi fruits. Why isn't anyone liking this blog? This is when I started to compete with Amazon. All right. All right. I don't know why I said that.

All right. It's your turn to read a question. I am a first-time plant dad. My hanging ivy has lived for about a year and a half so far. I'm not sure how because I have not changed its soil since buying it. All right. I was waiting to see what the reaction to that was because I heard no gasps. Yeah.

I actually don't know if that's something or not. Can I get a quick, actually before you can move on, can I get a quick round of applause if that's something? Thank you. That wasn't enough for it to be a thing. Wait. Now stop. Can I get a quick round of applause if you have no fucking idea?

Okay. Perfect. So it sounds like it's something. If I add those two together, I think that's literally everybody in here. Okay. I've not changed its soil since buying it, and I often forget to water it. Potting soil is expensive and difficult to move when you walk everywhere. They put that in parentheticals, does not address the watering issue,

but okay, fine. That's fine. Also, water is expensive? I have nothing. No. However, on my route home, they are building a bowling alley, a bowling alley with a few trees and planters. My question is, how do I steal some of that sweet brown stuff

for my struggling plant son, Dirk Bandit and DFW? Are you worried that someday your plant will find out? I feel dirty. Well, hey, are you here? This is the best fucking short story I've ever read in my entire life. When the bowling alley showed up, who here was like, okay? Twist. Are you taking the plant?

Bowling? Fuck yeah. Isn't there a Denzel Washington movie where his kid is sick and so he robs the hospital? This is like that, but the stakes are like down here. Way lower. You could, I mean, here's an option. I mean, steal the dirt. Don't steal the dirt.

You only go around once. But one option would be to bring your plant son back to the bowling alley and plant them there. If you love something, you got to let it go. And maybe this is, you clearly are, if you'll excuse me, a delinquent plant parent. I understand the soil expenses you fair enough. The watering thing is hard to get past. But maybe there's a bowling alley employee out there with a heart of gold and a thumb of green who can step in where you have so clearly fucked up.

I would also say if I was a landscaper who was like putting stuff in and I saw someone doing it, I was like, hey, what are you doing? And they're like, I'm planning to complain here. I'm like, well, that's 10% less work for me to do. Perfect. Sounds great. Excellent. Thanks for the help.

Appreciate it. I mean, don't steal the dirt. If you knew it would be the worst thing you go to prison for, by the way. No, it's not. You wouldn't go to fucking prison because it's dirt and you can't own that. God owns it. But also, we've all watched Pocahontas. It is weird how if it's dirt is on the floor, it's like, God, clean it up.

If you put the dirt in a bag, that'll be $8. It's like, why? Yeah, good point, guys. You wouldn't go to jail for it. What would happen would be way worse. The stigma associated with somebody seeing you rob dirt is some next level shit. Hey, what are you doing? And why?

Taking a sample, we've had reports in the area of ash beetles. You're doing a really good job at this. I'm testing this at home. No, wait, my lab, my lab, my lab, my home lab. Do you really need that much dirt for your tests? You're taking a good wheelbarrow full there. Hey, listen, if you are an expert on ash beetles like me, Dr. Ash, Beetle, Steam, then you can do the rigorous testing.

Well, that all tracks. Yeah, anyway, another suspicious here. Sounds good. Sounds good. Anything I can do to help? Do you need any money? I just want to walk away. Are you peeing your pants?

It's a different test. It keeps the beetles away. It's a different test. It's a base level for the pH balance. I have to, it's the control. Hey, why are they building a bowling alley? Hey, yeah, wait, huh? It's 2018.

All right, I guess people here want more bowling alleys. I'm not saying it's bad to have more bowling alleys. I'm saying, aren't there enough bowling alleys? To be fair, we do come from a city in West Virginia where there is at least two empty waiting for someone bowling alleys. No, no, no, they closed down colonial lanes, didn't you hear? But it's still there, right? I mean, yeah, you can fucking bust in the windows.

No, what that's what I was saying is you don't need to build a new bowling alley if you want to own a bowling alley. You can clear away some of the ivy and bowl in there, I guess, if you want. You can have last of us bowling. But if I say, like, this is my bowling alley now, I feel like it is. Do you would like, do you, do you, do you would like a yahoo? I'm becoming a yahoo answer. Um, yes.

Unless you want me to... The fucking audience even knows you're not gonna let me get through it. Throw your clothes onto the bed. Oh, okay. And wave for me by the tree. I'm gonna swing, sing Jingle Bells to your head. That's a Christmas to me. That's a Christmas to me.

That's a Christmas to me. Making love in the light of a tree. Okay, I was gonna ask. That's a Christmas to me. Okay. Pass me a glass of that mulled wine. Been 20 years since we've been like this. And yet it feels oh, so fine.

We're under the mistletoe, let's kiss. That's a Christmas to me. That's a Christmas to me. You and me and a little bit of holly. That's a Christmas to me. So this is a segment. This is a holiday special. That was a fucking journey.

I want to explore, before we get into this great segment, that's a Christmas to me. Let's explore what happened in that. Because I was a little thrown at the beginning when you said throw your clothes onto the bed. Yeah. So you first take out and I'll see you by the tree. Yeah. Paul, I need another drink. Paul, if you can hear me, Paul, I need another drink.

Let's throw our clothes, not just on the floor as we prepare to make love, but do scoop them right under the bed. By the way, we haven't done this in 20 years. Thanks, Paul. It's been 20 years since we've been like this. You don't have to, you don't have to Tom Cruise and cocktail before me. I'll just blend it myself. Thanks, old friend.

Okay, I'm just gonna ride it out. So in the segment, in the segment, that's a Christmas to me. Travis, don't look at the iPad. Don't look at the iPad. It doesn't matter, you wouldn't be able to tell. In the segment that's a Christmas to me, I read the description of two Hallmark Christmas films that are real and one that I created in my mind's eye. Now, if you are a listener, my brother, my brother,

we're not familiar with this segment. It's because it's one episode old, so don't worry that you've missed a lot. Technically speaking, it's one day old, but it's only a holiday segment, so I got to get a lot in. Yeah, he can't do this and say, I don't know any other months of the year. Right, okay, so here we go. And by the way, we're gonna take a poll. If you actually know the answer, please don't vote because it will spoil.

Okay, unlike a lot of elections, if you know the right thing, don't vote. First film is switched for Christmas. Switched? Switched for Christmas. Not a switch for Christmas. Just because they are identical does not mean these twins even like each other. Estranged twin sisters played by Candice Cameron Beer. Get together, that's right.

Say that last name on the line. Candice Cameron Beer, okay. That's Candice Cameron's new name, Candice Cameron Beer. Estranged twin sisters get together for an obligatory pre-Christmas lunch a year after their mother's death. Sorry, both women are unhappy and frustrated with their own lives, though not close, each is envious of the other's life. It's a nasty Christmas movie.

What's a twin do but to take advantage of this? And who would be the wiser? They do what any identical twins in need of new outlets would do. They swap lives until Christmas Day. That's a fucked up thing to say about identical twins. And by doing so, each woman discovers the true meaning of her life and gains a deeper perspective and appreciation for what she already had. That's switched for Christmas.

That sucks so bad. The plot of it sucked and the way it was written was quite bad. So I hope that one wasn't yours. Also, I would say if that movie is real, 100% chance there's a scene with a husband involved of like, Hey honey, let's make love tonight. Oh no, it's my twin sister's husband. And that's in there, right?

Also, no disrespect. But nobody has ever said, we're making a movie. I would love to get Candice Cameron in it twice. How is that supposed to be? No disrespect. It's pretty disrespectful. Fairly disrespectful. Can I move on?

Yes. The next film is called A Shoe Addicts Christmas. As Christmas approaches, Noel, played by Candice Cameron Bure, is at a crossroads in her life when it seems that love, a connection with her father, and her dream career are out of reach. When she stays late at her job in a department store

on a snowy Christmas Eve, she accidentally gets locked in after closing. She isn't too concerned about the prospect of spending the night in the store until a quirky woman appears out of nowhere in the shoe department and tells Noel that she's her guardian angel. Soon, Noel finds herself

revisiting Christmas's past, present, and future. She must work with her new neighbor, a handsome Christmas-loving firefighter, to plan the annual... How would you describe yourself in three descriptive terms? If they were to... There's a fucking Christmas tree in that apartment, no! Not like this, Jesus.

Not like this Jesus God who I love for Christmas! The annual Christmas Charity Gala. Will visiting the holidays of yesterday and tomorrow help Noel take new chances and discover the true spirit of Christmas? And in realizing the only thing standing in her way is leading a fulfilling life as herself, will the love she has longed for all her life

be the best surprise gift of all? And that is A Shoe Addicts Christmas, starring Candice Cameron Bure and, as her guardian angel, Gene Smart. Last film. A Tailor Made Christmas. New York fashion designer Grace Preston, played by Candice Cameron Bure,

isn't thrilled about spending the holidays in her tiny hometown of Charity Falls, Wisconsin. But when the dress, her step-sister Anna's Christmas Eve wedding, is lost in shipping, Grace is guilted into crafting a last-minute replacement by their overbearing mother, played by Mary Margaret Hume. You don't remember, of course, from Dawson's Creek. Ah.

Grace is making the best of a bad situation until she makes the best man at a pre-wedding luncheon and learns it's none other than her high school boyfriend, Brad Phillips. After college football injury ended his dreams of going pro, Brad turned his attention to Tailor Made, a charity that provides handcrafted business, sorry, handcrafted business attire

to homeless men and women heading to job interviews. Brad is kind, caring and intelligent, but he's also put down roots in Charity Falls as Christmas Eve approaches. Grace must choose between a life with Brad and following her dreams in the fashion industry. These are three films. I can't fucking believe one is not real.

One. Those are all so good. They're all a Christmas to me. I mean, not good. No, they're quite bad. Okay, listen. They're all a Christmas to me, but I want to know which is the one that is a Christmas to me.

Should we take audience poll first? No, I want to hear you two before they bias you. The first one switched to Christmas has to be real, because I know there's more than one of that exact movie that exists out there. So if there's more than one, this is probably among the crew. I have my guess. If I found two Candace Cameron Bure movies,

boy, a good punchline would be a movie with two of her in the same film. That would be a good punchline. No, no, no, no, I'm okay. I've got mine. I got mine. Okay. I'm going to shoe addicts Christmas.

Mine is also a shoe addicts Christmas is fake. Shoe addicts Christmas is fake. I think there was a lot of diversion in there. Like you say, oh, and it's got a Jane Jane this morning. We're going to take a quick poll from the audience. The first we're just going to do just by cheers. First film was switched to Christmas. Round of applause if you think that's fake.

Okay. Second film was a shoe addicts Christmas. Round of applause if you think that's fake. Okay. Thank you. Our third film was a tailor made Christmas. Round of applause if you think that's fake. The film that I made up,

well actually Sydney made up mainly, but I helped is a tailor made Christmas is a fake. Switch for Christmas is real? Switch for Christmas is so fucked because one of the women has two children. I can't deal with these idiots. I can't deal with these idiots at Christmas. Bye.

Bye. I'm living at my sister's Debra's apartment and loving it. Hey, idiots, mom's gone. Bye. Enjoy my kids for Christmas. Have you and Sydney thought about pitching movies to the Hallmark Channel? She's got a gift, honestly.

There's a lot of this is like, you know, you know that scene where Sally Aries like throwing the music around like, how does he do it? That's me typing these down when Sydney's like, and then Candice Cameron Bure is like, she was this woman was the mother of my children was dictating scenes to me that would be in the movie. And she filled it out to a spec screen.

She was like, there would fully be a scene where her company is like, good news, Bloomingdale's loves your new collection, but they want to see more by New Year's Eve. So we need your back here immediately. And she would then have to choose the city with charity falls, right? Charity falls, Wisconsin. Yeah, that should have been the giveaway.

No, I actually thought that was so Hallmark that it was about a charity. Bro, it's not a giveaway. The woman in the last film is called Noelle. Yeah, like it's not a giveaway. It's they're all like this. Half the towns in these fucking movies are Christmas. Christmas sound or Christmas.

I live in Christmas Eve Town. Hello, party people and welcome. Thank you for listening to this episode. Oh, Travis. You've heard so much of it already. Oh, help me, Travis. Oh, no, Griffin, what's wrong? I busted my cut laughing at this great episode

and all the great jokes that we had at Austin, Texas. I've heard of it, yes. It's my favorite. And so now we are going to tell you about our sponsors. The tragic thing is I've clicked away from where the list of the sponsors is. What can I say, Griffin, if you have injured yourself,

might I recommend laying down on this Casper mattress? No, no, gotta go to the hospital. Did you not hear me when I tummy busted open, Travis? I got sepsis. Because I have found that when I am injured and want to rest and recuperate, well, there's no place better to do that than my Casper mattress.

This is true the other day. And listen, I'm not a doctor. The other day, my hand hurt really bad. I think I'd injured it signing posters and books and stuff at the Austin show. So fucking bougie. And I laid down. I took a nap half hour when I woke up.

My hand was completely healed. So I attribute that to you. Christ, Christ like these mattresses are. That's what I'm saying. They're the Holy Ghost of mattresses. Oh, that's great. Thank you. And you can check them out now.

They offer affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to the consumer. Casper brand mattresses combine multiple supportive memory foams for quality sleep service with the right amounts of both sync and bounce. It's eight sync and 14 bounce.

That's it. Well, if you gave away a secret family recipe. And you can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. So get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash brother and using the promo code brother at checkout terms and conditions apply.

Can I tell you about some shops? Yes, please. Can I tell you about a little bit of Stomps? Please tell me about Stomps. Listen, it's the holidays and around the holidays times is when you must use Stomps the most on your boxes and your letters.

To Santa. To Santa Claus. He loves receiving your letters. If you don't put stamps on them though, he shreds them. He shreds them you get put on the naughty list which is just a short walk to the hell list. Yeah.

And also the no fly list. Add the no fly list. But if you put it on the, if you put a Stomps on the letters to Santa, you get TSA pre-check. Just like that. So Stamps.com is great. It's very convenient.

I hate leaving the house for virtually any reason and Stomps.com is there for me because they have the, you know, technology that they give to you so that your house technically becomes a post office. You gotta be careful because people are gonna come to you wanting to buy, wanting to buy stamps. Yes.

And I think that's illegal for you to open up a secret stamps resale market. So maybe I shouldn't even mention that possibility in this, an advertisement for stamps. It is convenient though because your bread box will become a P.O. box. So that's nice. It is nice.

Anyway, Stamps.com can help save you a bunch of time during the holiday season. You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer then the mail carrier picks it up and you don't have to go to the post office. You're gonna save a bunch of time,

you're gonna save a bunch of money. Stomps.com is the best gift you can give yourself. This holiday season, you can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments. Go to stamps.com,

click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother, all one word. That's stamps.com, enter my brother. This message is for Michael and it's from Rebecca. Michael, Felix says, Hi, which in Bubba speak means that we both love you

and your poopy butt bones a whole lot. Hey, come on. It's what it says. Listen, some of us suffer from poopy butt bones and you don't gotta make it sound jovial. That was a sad sentence Travis. Love you and your poopy butt bones a whole lot. Thank you.

Thanks for letting me harass you all the time, you sweet birdie. Now please remember to freeze the bathroom when you come out. I mean, There's a lot in there. Yeah, a lot about his poopy butt bones and sort of the issues that Rebecca has with them.

But I guess now Michael's gonna take that stuff a little bit more seriously. But who's Felix? Who is Bella? Who are these characters? Don't matter. Here's one for Lewin and it's from Taylor and Ginger

who say, Happy 22nd birth from your... Whoa, 22... That's it. You beat the Duggers, right? That's a lot of births from your two best buds. We've spent 16 of your birthdays together but I'm still sorry I missed the first five

and Ginger the first 16. You're a strong, beautiful, bespectacled bear and one smart cookie. Thanks for sticking with us in life and D&D even though you forced Ginger to flirt with you as a Southern fantasy sheriff. We love you. Been there, done that, huh?

Wait, was Ginger the fantasy sheriff or was Lewin? I think all of them were. I think they're doing a Deadwood but they're all playing the handsome man. You know, him? Yeah. I just think I would like to see this game

where a fantasy sheriff is like, flirt with me. Come on. Deadwood was just sort of a bunch of nasty men looking very sort of bedraggled but then the one handsome man does come to town and it just goes around being all handsome. I haven't seen all of the show

but that's where I remember. Are you talking about Timothy Amundsen as the handsome man? I'm talking about Timothy Oliphant as the handsome man. So anyway, this is for nobody. We can debate that later. Sure and Travis is going to read the last one.

This is for Gabriel and it's from Kelly. Happy all events and holidays that fall in the first half of 2018. Well, we missed that. There is no one else I would want to share this crazy life with. Whether it's going to Taiwan, a train trip to Texas for the Cotton Bowl

or yelling at the Lions every Sunday. I love you more than anything. Oh no, they got Lions outside their house, Griffin. I know but they've got to, they read the right books because yelling at them is the best way to fight the Lions. You got to yell and you got to make yourself look big. Yeah and you got to yell stuff like,

oh hey, I hate Lions. I hate them. Oh, Lions smell like poopy butt bones. Can we not? I'm so sorry, Griffin. So I hope you enjoyed these Jumbotrons because they are the last. Oh yeah.

They are the last of the Jumbotrons. Yes, we're changing shit up and it's weird that we're doing this without Justin here. But yes, we are going to stop doing Jumbotrons both on My Brother, My Brother, Me and Adventure Zone. We're going to continue doing them on our other shows because the reality of the situation is that selling them on our shows

has become a very, very un-tambly difficult and competitive and a disappointing process for virtually everybody involved. And yeah, we've enjoyed doing them and it's been a fun way to interact with y'all as we keep going on. But now we have lots of fun ways to interact with y'all

and so we are putting them to bed. Now the Money Zone is going to be a little bit tighter, which I'm sure a lot of people are going to be also excited about. And yes, big programming update. Also, thank you all for listening to the show. You won't hear us again. We have some big things coming up this week,

so make sure you pay attention. Oh shit, yeah. Yeah, dude. To the My Brother, My Brother and Me Twitter account so you don't miss it. For real, we say shit like that all the time. It's going to be a pretty big week. Again, I can't believe Justin's not here.

Yeah, so make sure you keep an eye on that because there's some stuff coming up and you can pre-order the Adventure Zone graphic novel at theadventureszonecomic.com. We did a lot of this shit at the end of the live show. Let's just get back to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well yeah, keep your eye locked on the Tweetos

and we'll catch you later. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is wonderful. It's a podcast that we do as we are married and how's the ad going so far because I think it's going very good. We talk about things we like every week on Wednesdays.

One time Rachel talked about Pumpernickel bread. It was so tight you cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown bread. We also talk about music and poems and, you know, weather. There is what? Weather. One time Rachel talked about Baby Beluga,

this song for like 14 minutes and it just really blew my hair back. So check us out on MaximumFun.org. It's a cool podcast with chill vibes. Amber is the color of our energy is what all the iTunes reviews say. They will now. How about a Yahoo answer?

Yeah. This one is sent in by a lot of people. Thank you everybody who got a hand on this ball. It's from Yahoo Answers user. No summertime. Who asks? Oh wait, for Justin. Why the hell don't I like potato salad?

I love potatoes, baked, french fries, mashed, hash browns, grilled side dish things. But the potato salad tastes like ass to me. WTF is wrong with me. It angers me and once we make you want to punch someone in the face. It's the mayonnaise. Justin says mayonnaise.

I buzzed in first. It's the mayonnaise. Mayonnaise tastes bad and things like that. It's the mayonnaise. It's the reason you don't like it is because mayonnaise is a weird thing to bind something with. And the reason you don't like it is the mayonnaise.

Come at me. You didn't leave, didn't leave us much air to breathe in the bit zone. Maybe it's not mayonnaise. I mean, I do want to pitch this from Yahoo Answers user. Who says there are lots of ways to make potato salad. The one you have tasted probably wasn't very good. No big deal.

Punching someone because you don't like potato salad is a bit over the top. The only one at fault here is you for not liking it. Punch yourself if you must. Anyway, that's my new SNL character, the guy that takes Yahoo Answers literally. Well, the question answer really liked it because they decided this was the best answer.

I love the idea of like tasting some food and being like, I don't like this. Like, don't blame that on anyone but yourself. Yeah, I will say that Yahoo Answers user no summertime does not like potato salad. They do like a slice of humble pie. Because that's what they were served up. They gobbled it down and said, you're right.

You know what you're right? You're right. That was over the top. I'm the asshole. I'm the one who tastes like ass now. It could be the coldness of the potato. You don't eat a cold potato most of the time, huh? It's probably the mayonnaise.

It's just, there's nothing else. It's just that it is definitely the mayonnaise. It's probably the mayonnaise. mayonnaise is like a fish song. Now, hold on. Listen really carefully because this part won't be in the show because it won't be funny, but it's true. mayonnaise is like a fish song.

If you listen to Kill Double Falls or Free or any other great fish track on the album and it's three minutes and 30 seconds long, you're like, that was great. Great song construction. Great recording. Fantastic. You see it live.

It's 30 minutes long. That's enough. Thank you. If you have a little bit of mayonnaise on a thing. I don't remember sandwiches being this wet. That's fun. Welcome to the, welcome to the- It's not like sloppy, sloppy, but.

It's a little bit wetter than I remember. It's a little bit indulgent. And then there's like a line. And it's the seven minute mark of the Kill Double Falls, you know, Sioux City Falls, Iowa version of the song. They've got them all on Spotify. And you listen to it for 17 minutes and it's like, that's enough mayonnaise.

Hey Juice, are you reeling to fish? Because what the fuck, bud? You got to tell us this shit. It was improvisational comedy. It wasn't. You knew a lot about fish, friend. You knew a lot about fish. All right.

Here's the tip-off that I pulled out on my ass. I was talking about Kill Double Falls and I said Sioux City Falls, Iowa. Okay. Okay. So that was, that was made up. Anyway. After the, after the old Jimmy Buffett thing,

I don't know who to trust anymore. Okay. I work at a local coffee shop and over the last couple of months, we've had a regular customer who comes in, sets up his personal home office in the shop and very loudly takes phone calls for his dental practice. I recently noticed that he has four cell phones on him

at all times and uses all of them to take these business calls. Should I be concerned? Is he involved in some sort of black market dental operation? That's from Leave My Teeth Alone. Being a dentist isn't like writing a screenplay, right? That's hard so that you can't just like post up at a Starbucks and do it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

You know what? What do I know? Yeah, I don't know. It's 2018. Maybe they're an at home dentist. Thank you. They do house calls. They'll come.

Do you have a chair that reclines? And a good, bright flashlight and teeth hooks. I don't really have anything. I don't have any. Do you have a toothbrush? You have a toothbrush. This is how I know you guys aren't dentists because you can't just buy a dentist store and then go in there.

And go in there with your chair and the light and the metal thing and open the door and say, I'm ready for teeth. Yeah. And then expect people to go. You have to build your client base through networking and and patreon and patreon and entrepreneurship. And you have to build your client base before you have to say, would you be interested in a value-priced dentist who's just learning

and cutting his teeth? If you will. But I won't. Hey, but I won't cut your teeth because I've only been in dentist for a week, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that. I know you don't. I don't know much yet. Yet.

Yet. But I don't think I'm supposed to cut your teeth. I do know this. Teeth are mad hard. I don't think you can cut them if you try. I've heard a lot about drilling. And I play on YouTubeing that later to see if I can find some tutorials. I went to Home Depot.

The drill seemed pretty big. So if I'm being honest, I wouldn't want that. If you know of a, this could sound silly, but like a dentist depot. That would be funny to me. I have the dentist come to your house for the fourth time and say, good news. Got my own place. You could come visit me there from now on.

I've got lots of old highlights magazines. That would be the day I stopped going to that dentist. Like, what would be better than a dentist who comes to your house? A dentist who doesn't come to your house. Fair. I'll grant you that. So we have some audience questions. I want to keep talking about this fucking dentist.

Are you serious? Yeah. We can't leave this guy alone. Okay. Four. Okay. For a lot of those, because what he's doing is illegal. So we should keep an eye on him.

What? Okay. The four cell phones. Let's talk about that for a second. One's for his mistress, probably. Yeah. And then the other three we can talk about the, I feel like he's probably calling other people and saying like, this is your dentist.

Um, I, um, I've got a resident forgetting drunk in the job and, um, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do the teeth drill. Drilled, uh, drilled right clean through someone's whole head. So he's probably finding a new dentist sitting here. I'm scared of teeth now. I'm really scared of teeth. I've got a Furby and L and I've got to go by.

They have one phone that they call other dentists with and they're like, hi, this is Timothy Gentist. And I was asked, I'm doing a book report about dentistry. Can you tell me where you get your tools and also how you do every part of your job? No, maybe that, maybe they're dental practice. They're dental middleman and somebody calls them that you got it. And then they call a dentist and then they just hold the phones together. Are you guys done yet?

Okay, it's all right. For 10 minutes, he sits in the corner and makes his phone 69 and I don't know why. What's that? Oh, you need an orthodontist? I got a third phone. Put it on the party line. Okay. So we will, well, let's do audience questions.

Yes. We have some picked out. We're doing it in a new way probably since the last time we were here in Austin. Yeah. We're going to call some names and some seat numbers. You're going to come on down to the microphones. Can we get the spotlights down on the microphones in three, two, okay. Hey, what's up?

Hey, who are you? I'm Brooks. Hi, bro. I'm Brooks. So my question is my boyfriend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing handfuls of fettuccine uncooked. I would hope he's not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine, Brooks. In your pantry.

And eating them raw and he keeps calling them chips. Okay. How do I make him stop? Is your boyfriend here? Yeah. You're a monster. Words mean things. Does anybody remember, I haven't been to Olive Garden in many moons,

but they do have like a little like fettuccine bottle that you can just grab them out of and shoot. Hold on. Was this a prank you guys pulled on me when we went to Olive Garden as kids? No, stop. Everybody shut up. Do they give you raw fettuccine to chew on in the lobby of the Olive Garden? You fucking bastards. The prestige.

And now you have IBS. I did. We got him. What I need you, Brooks, we'll get back to you. What I need you to understand is that was not the only time I went to Olive Garden. There were, were there never employees around like, I, I wanting to seem like an authentic metropolitan diner would always grab the fettuccine and walk over to my friends like, yeah, I'm a little, a little peckish.

I fucking can't believe, I can't believe you did that. I can't believe literally I'm finding out in the worst imaginable thing. Speaking as a former Olive Garden employee, there, if I saw a little kid eating raw fettuccine, the odds of me stopping them are negative 1000%. Okay, Brooks. Brooks. Yeah. So I'm going to sit this one out, Brooks.

Brooks, is it possible that your boyfriend has been laboring under the same delusion as my brother for all these years? Oh, wait, wait, they sell this for you to take home? Okay, a little fancy for myself then. Brooks, is it possible your boyfriend does not believe these are chips? But instead likes to annoy you by calling them chips? A thing I, not exactly that, but similar due to my wife all the time. Is it possible your boyfriend loves chips and you never have chips?

And this is his way of passive aggressively sort of guilting you into go, these are tasty chips. And as a raw fettuccine eater myself, I can tell you it's not a, it's not a good chew. You do it and you put it in your mouth and your six-year-old brain thinks it'll turn a fettuccine in the heat of your mouth. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that. It just doesn't work like that.

Brooks. Yes. Did you eat all your boyfriend's chips? No, but he does bring that up every time he loudly crunches on them next to me. Wait, brings what up? That I don't have any chips. Okay, then Brooks, that's the answer. All right, all right, Brooks, we've got to buy this, we've got to buy some chips, Brooks.

Somewhere in this audience versus boyfriend's going, yes. And now I shall have chips. Follow up question. I don't know where to get chips from. Have you ever seen your boyfriend with a pot of boiling water cutting the bristles off a broom into it saying we're out of fettuccine? Oh, Brooks, here's what you do. Brooks, here's his boyfriend.

Plug your ears. Okay, go buy a bag of chips, dump them all on the garbage, put some raw fettuccine in it, put a chip clip back on it, put it back on the pantry, and wait. And he's going to think he's in like a weird Twilight Zone episode where there have never been chips. There's never been chips. Wait until you- And then what's that?

You're boiling Doritos. Yes, yeah. Wait until your boyfriend starts making fettuccine if you're real and walk over and smell the pot and say, hmm, chip soup. My favorite. Delicious. Does it help? Yes.

Okay, good. Excellent. Thank you. Please go ahead. Luke, what's up? Luke. Hey. Hell yeah.

Get casual. I really enjoy your question. Thank you. First of all, Luke Baker, sophomore at school of mass communication and journalism at Texas State University. Is this your LinkedIn? I gotta tell you, that shit's broken bad for us in the past. I thought you were going to be like, my SoundCloud is-

Just ask the question, Luke. I will warn you, if you're about to do that, the last time it happened, the person was booed so hard they sunk into the mantle of the earth. Let that be a lesson to all of you. It was fucking brutal and I loved every second of it. We will do nothing to stop it. We will do nothing to stop it. Thank you for warning me.

So, my question is, what is charcuterie? Because- You don't need to clarify beyond the relate. I would be interested to see why. That word's been kind of haunting me for the past month. I've just heard it so many times. Where? I just, I don't-

Just like in passing just- I was like, menus though, right? I'm not just like on park benches and stuff. I don't do just like in casual conversation. I've never really had the heart to like be like, okay, what is that? So, I figured you guys would do the perfect- Do you have any glit- Don't you fucking lie to me, Luke.

How much do you actually know about charcuterie? Literally nothing at all. Okay, Luke, let me take a crack at it. It's cheese and meat. All right. Well, but also sometimes it could be almonds. And it could be almonds. And it could be a pickle.

And it could be jam. Honeycomb. Honeycomb is sometimes on there. It could be crusty bread. I think it's whatever the fuck they got laying around. Yeah. It's a fancy word for leftovers. That are easy to make.

If it took work to make little ones, that's an appetizer or an hors d'oeuvre. If they just cut up something from Pepperidge Farm, you got charcuterie to go with, my friend. What's the one with the little vegetables? What's that called? A plate of little vegetables is called... Crudité. Crudité.

Crudité is vegetables. Charcuterie is cheese and meat. Charcuterie has vegetables on it too sometimes. Listen, let's dial in. Let's start with what isn't. What isn't charcuterie? A car. A child's laughter.

Child's laughter. Then here we breathe, the stage I'm sitting on. A dream of your grandparents. Yes. A memory of summer's past. These things, well, wait. A memory of summer's past could be charcuterie. Yeah, I think you can remember charcuterie in the past.

Also, your grandparents might have dreamed of charcuterie. And a child might be laughing at charcuterie. Okay. When... That's a funny charcuterie, they'd say. When a bread becomes too hard to safely consume, it is now charcuterie. When a thin meat is deemed too flavorless, it has become charcuterie. And room temperature.

When a cheese has been deemed to be too flavorful. Now it's charcuterie. Are you following me? I get it. There's, imagine, when you go and you have to work at a restaurant, you go get your food handlers license, you learn about the safe range of temperature. Yes, the dangers of it.

There's a secret gauge they don't tell you about, and it is, when does bread become so hard, now it's charcuterie, baby. And also, it should be clear, these can't be loose things. One piece of bread is not charcuterie. One piece of cheese is not charcuterie. You put them? No, put it all in the same area. Maybe it's like a hunk of wood.

Maybe it's a stone slab. Maybe it's someone's face. I don't know. Now it's charcuterie. Another big determining factor. If it costs $30, that's a charcuterie. That's a charcuterie. If it's complimentary.

At the $6 offering at Applebee's is a ham party. Or as it's called on the menu, a ham slam. A ham slam. That explains so much, because the reason I was pitching myself earlier is because I'm not worth $30 yet. So, yes. No, no, no, don't all that. That's a fucking goal.

That's an aspiration. I remember the first time I ate charcuterie, I went, that cheese is, wow. Taste that, taste that, taste that. It's really pungent, huh? But I've made it, because it was $30 that I had. That's the thing, charcuterie is like the noted excess of food. Because it's literally like, hey, do you want a delicious appetizer

or like a plate of actual food you're gonna eat? No, no. Give me a big hunk of wood with some leavens on it. For $30. For $30. If you run, if you own, if there's, I know there's a food scene, Austin, I know it, because I live here. If you're a restaurant, tour restaurant owner,

please Christ do this, because it's the best idea I've ever had in my life. If your restaurant sells charcuterie and costs $30, it's got flavorless ham and stinky cheese on it. It should also come with a sticker that said, I had charcuterie today. They put that on you. You go to any job interview in the fucking city. What are your, what are your qualifications? I have, I have $30 to throw around.

My teeth are hard enough to chew through the firmest breads. Luke, does that help? That helps me immensely. Thank you so much. Excellent, excellent. Thank you, Luke. All right, and thank you. Yeah, we got one more.

Yes. Hello. Hi. Hey, what's your name? Camille. Hi, Camille. Camille. Hi, so my question, I guess, was at work a while ago,

we were all kind of like reminiscing about how fun college was and fun stuff we do with our friends. And I told my coworkers about the inside joke, me and my best friend who we lived together for three years had, where when one person would come home, whoever was already at home would pretend they had died. And when you find your best friend's dead body, you have to react like you felt, excuse me, John's been murdered.

Camille got worked up for a second. It's hilarious. Yes, sure. My coworkers did get really weird though. Well, because here's- No, what's your question? I just, I know they think it's weird, but they tried to laugh it off like, oh, yeah.

Well, that also might be because human beings are awkward. Oh, yeah. Camille, let me say this. I don't think the game itself is weird, but the thing that struck me about it is the chance that you would get halfway through doing a very dramatic like, oh, oh, no. Oh, God, wait. Oh, uh, fuck.

That's a game you win until you lose. And then you ain't going to win it again. But you will get A's for the rest of the semester, which is nice. Is that, I've heard that. I don't know. I just heard it in a movie. I mean, it's like a fun game between as we both know- Well, I'll say this more than one.

In your defense, everybody here, when you heard about the rules of this game, you may say out loud, oh, ghoulish. I want everybody to just round of applause. If your mind didn't immediately start racing of the scenarios you would concoct. Yes. Right.

Yes. So maybe Camille, the reason that your co-workers reacted like that is because they were distracted thinking about how they would fake being dead later. Yeah, how they wish they had done it because it sounds fun. Yeah. Whew. I would just wrap myself up in mummy stuff.

That would get a good scare, wouldn't it? I would put a whole pile of me underneath the magician's trick, like the prestige. You've taught me again, Justin. It's a lot of expense, and it's worth everybody. I'm going to have to talk to Nikolai Tesla. I would get one of my bones out of my body and just sort of put it on the kitchen counter

and then stay at a hotel for a month. I would slowly, over many months, collect some pints of my own blood until I have enough to fill the whole house. I would stab myself with a knife, but a bat's tab. Wait, bat in... That looked good. That looked like, oh, he dead.

But I wouldn't be dead, and it would just be... I would miss the liver. I would kill my twin. Yes. Androids. That's the end. Camille, does that help? Your game kicks ass.

Congratulations. Congratulations, Camille. Your game is awesome. And you, Austin, are awesome. Thank you so much for being so kind to us. We really appreciate it. You can turn the lights off because it's terrifying. You want to just shut them off?

A couple of things real quick. First, if you haven't already, there's posters on the lobby that... Listen, we have a lot of really amazing designers that we work with for the live shows. This is one of the live shows. It's fast. It's fast. It's so good.

It's so good. I'm sure it rolls. They did a great job, and you should support her. Similarly, there's some copies, if you haven't got one already, of both the Adventures on Graphic Novel Book 1 and the Sawbones book out in the lobby. Maybe. They are signed.

So if you want to check those out, you can do that. Thank you to Siri. I was commenting on this backstage. I do not know that I've ever performed on a stage where I have seen so many shows beforehand. This theater and ACL in general fucking rules this city is so lucky to have it. I am lucky to live in Austin because of this place. I've seen more concerts here than any other place in my life.

So the fact that we're performing on the stage is buck wild. It's a beautiful theater. Thank you all so much for having us. Thank you to American hero Paul Seborn. Thank you to Paul. Paul. Please enjoy the music of Paul and Storm. Thank you, Rackontour, Clint McElroy.

Yeah, for your great work. Thanks to Wonderful, a fantastic podcast that you should enjoy if you do not already. And thank you to our various family members who weren't included in the two previous things we just said for being here to support us and travel with us and do the shows. I have one last one. Every year our listeners get together and there's this list called empty stockings

that Huntington, West Virginia newspaper, Harold Lispatch puts out. And it is all the people who have things that they wishes for Christmas for kids that aren't going to have anything. And every year our listeners look at that list and burn it to the ground. They fucking destroy it. Generosity. And we that was a weird way of putting it. But if you if you could help with that, I'm gonna fuck that list up.

If you could help with that mbambangels.com is the place to go. You can claim a gift. You can donate money, whatever you can do. And when we say when we say wish list, we mean stuff like they need socks. Yeah, socks or a mattress or something. I wasn't going to get into it because it's kind of like a live show. And I want everybody to have a great time. But yeah, I mean, it is very sad.

Thank you, Travis. Poverty is sad. Hey, it was a final yahoo. It's a real ripper. Yeah, fart it out, bud. Well, they did. We think they're John Roderick and Max Fun. Y'all got it. Good work, y'all.

Let's rip it up with a funny fucking final yahoo, baby. James Cockwell sent this in. Thank you, James. It's yahoo anonymous. Yeah, yahoo. So I'm going to call him. Bill asks, is buying calcium-enriched milk like bone insurance? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother with me. Kids, your dad's square on the list. Hey, it's Janet Varney of the JV Club podcast, and I am so excited to be joining Maximum Fun. If you're not yet familiar with the JV Club, it's a podcast with me and some of my favorite women and, in the summer, men, as we explore the highs and lows of our terrible teenage years into our adult lessons. For example, hear about Alison Breeze humiliating moment at a gymnastics competition.

Experience the shame of a knocked out tooth with Jamila Jamil, or drop in as John Hamm imagines what would happen if Bambi met Godzilla. So join me and all my once awkward, often still awkward friends every Thursday by subscribing to the JV Club on MaximumFun.org.