My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 437: A Silent Chug

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

In today’s episode, we address a long-running audio anomaly that spans the entire history of our show, and in the process, Justin dry drowns, like, a little. Business Paintball, Wishbone Brutality, Big Candies, Justin’s Drinking Noises, Fast Food Arms Race, Serious Zapdos, Horny Radio Disney

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new craze, and the girls do you want to just say, hey I wanna, just say, hey I wanna. Hello already, and welcome to My Brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy.

I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 boy, Griffin McElroy. I got a, I came up with a theme for this opening bit. Okay, go for it. Do it again, sorry. I just, I won't do it if you guys, if you go. No, rip it, no, rip that shit. No, do it. Grip it and rip it. Okay. You got your problems. Whoa, I got my eyes wide. Oh, you got your big G's. I got my smash pipe. This is smash pipe. Wait, it's where we take, it's a smash brother's dispatch direct from us to you. Come, I don't think it counts as fair use,

Justin, if you just change to pass to smash. I don't think that counts as a parody. Travis, listen, there's no amount of licensing fees I would not pay to keep that great joke in the beginning of our episode of our podcast. Okay. Welcome to smash pipe, everyone. Light it up and huff this great news and strategies and cheat codes for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. Can I start it off with a little cheat? That also is gonna include my favorite character to play as. Go for it, please. If you scroll all the way up and the character creation is green, I mean, just keep holding up way past when it seems like there's no further to go up. You can eventually select the pencil from the NES game anticipation.

Fucking great. And I bet it plays the pencil. Fuck, it's so good. Such a good song. What he does is he just, he draws a cube around the other players and then they can escape from that cube. That's pretty good. It takes forever though. You have to wait. That hints the anticipation. Justin, you got any who's your favorite characters and strategies and cheat codes from Super Smash Brothers? I have a cheat code that I'd like to lay out. My favorite character is Seaman. He can't do anything because they won't have pure water stages. So Seaman just lays on the ground and complains at you until you throw him back. But then it's like, ring out. So that's a loss every time. It's a guarantee loss, but it's a

challenging character with a lot of different dimensions. My cheat code is that if you press A three times in a row at any point while you're playing the game, you will get a refund check from Reggie Fusame from his personal checking account. Wow. Does the game self-delete at that point or? The game self-deletes and it wipes your hard drive of any and your memory of all of the Smash Brothers. And it doesn't even give you like an, are you sure you want to do this? No, no. If you press the A button three times, you get a refund check from Reggie Fusame's personal checking account. That's good. Your mind is erased of all Smash Brothers secrets and content and also the middle names of everyone you know and love. Wow. That's good. Well, my favorite character is

Tony Shalhoub in Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. And my cheat code, he's the best first of all, he's a great edge defender and he's easier to wave dash. But my cheat code is obviously the character has lots of costumes, red monk, blue monk. They're all sort of variations on the monk, electric monk. But you know how the switch has amiibos? It's delightful new creation from Nintendo that blends with a toy game alike. If you scan amiibos on it, you can earn unlocks, as we call them in the business. If you can find Tony Shalhoub in real life and swipe his face across your switch, it'll unlock the Antonio Scarpacci skin. Wow. That's huge. My favorite character is the big scary moon from Majora's Mask. Yeah, well, yeah. And you crash into the

whole screen. My favorite character is Bowser the third. He's Bowser Jr.'s son. Bowser Jr. first appeared in 2002, Super Mario Sunshine. He's a team dad. Bowser Jr. is now a team dad, a 16-year-old team dad of his son, a baby named Bowser the third. He's Bowser Jr.'s son, and he's a great new character in the game Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. I like Donkey Donk. I'm just bananas for Donkey Donk. I like Donkey Donk. He's in there, too, from the good place. That character from the good place. All the good place characters are in it. They're in there. They're all in there. They're all in there. Can you play as Mario? No, so we've done pretty much all of the video game jokes for 2019. Sorry, gang. We looked at the ledger. We realized that we had a large budget of video game

jokes that we hadn't told, and now that we've ostracized the sort of non-ludological members of our audience, maybe we get into our core comp. 2019, we're going to get back to video games. That's who raised us, who subbed us at their proverbial breast, and we're here because Mario's literal breast. I subbed on Mario. I drank the game milk. The game milk for the special game cow that we've subbed on grew us to where we are today, so we're really excited. I'd love to get back to my Wii U so I could play more Smash Bros. Ultimate right now, but I can't because I gotta do this podcast. We could do both at the same time. Oh, man, that might be a good streaming thing that people could watch. You know, if we were going to do that, Travis, you know where people could find it.

Our YouTube channel or on our website, themacroid.family. Yes, that's the one, Travis. Our YouTube channel is just called Macroid Family. We finally have a website, folks, and that's just too exciting to wait for the end of the show. We have a website, believe it or not. We did it. We set up our Geo Cities account finally, and that's a partnership with Vox. They are helping us with the website. There's, if you ever watched Monster Factory from me and Griff, that's here. New episode there on our channel, the Macroid Family. For some bizarre reason, there's also the episodes I did of Carry On, a journey through the cinematic career of Jim Carrey starting in the beginning. I begged you not to put that on. This is a bug. This is a bug. This is a bug, and we will get it worked out by

if I get enough positive feedback, maybe I'll record the next one. I still haven't done one spitten. That's the next one in the chronological order. I only got four movies into what I assume is 50-some movies that man has done. If you want me to keep going reviewing Jim Carrey movies, go to themacroid.family, click on videos, watch some Carry On. Let me know what you think. That's the new home of Carry On, Macroid.family. Go check it out. There's lots of other stuff there, but if you like it, we hope you'll bookmark it and make it your home page. The only page, it's also a search engine. As long as the only thing you need is our content. Let's get into some advice because I have missed helping people while I've been busy

joining this hot, extremely stable world of digital media websites. I'm so excited to get into it finally, but let's help some people. Is that okay? Go, just do it. Go. Today I learned that next week, the office team I'm part of is going to be going paintballing as a form of team bonding. I'm very excited by this since I've always wanted to go paintballing, and I'm also very competitive in nature. However, everyone that will be there is either my boss or someone who has worked at my office much longer than I have since I was only just hired at the beginning of the year. I'm worried about getting into the game and maybe shooting some people I really shouldn't. What should I do? Any advice on the best level of competitiveness I should try to achieve?

And that's from Concerned and Competitive in Calameza. Well, I mean, you got your squeegee? You got your squeegee ready? Oh, no. Griffin. What's wrong? Is that your... My watch just heard the entirety of that question and would love to weigh in on it. Sorry, watch it. It said, I'm not sure I understand. Yeah, no shit. Watch it. Calm down. Daddy's trying to record, okay? I think that you should go full... Yes. Poor. I think that like this is... We as humans, many of us have been fortunate enough to not have to taste of battle. And this is a time to find if something will be awoken within you that

may be the person that gets the sandwiches can then be the Lord of Murder. So much blood on their hands and from then on, when they get their sandwiches from you, they will know it's from death himself is coming, is getting the sandwiches today. Do they make blood balls? Just like half two. Full blown just blood balls. Cow's blood. So that the feeling of the war horniness, you can really feel it. The wariness, please. The wariness, so it can really just kick in. All you have to do, this is easy. All you have to do is make sure you're on whoever the head boss is on their team. Like, because then you go hard and they're like, one, I appreciate your commitment. Two, I appreciate how you just paintball murdered everyone in the counting. You just spend the entire game

leaping in front of your boss and yelling no. Eventually, eventually, someone is going to shoot you while you're doing that. And they can't... Legally, they can't fire you at that point. You know, can I say something? It is wild in this particular climate of 2018 where it's like, I feel like, and rightly so, people are a lot more plugged into how to make everyone feel comfortable in a working environment and where those lines are because they had been so very blurred for so long, except this Saturday, we're all going to fucking blaze each other with extremely painful guns. And there will be people who feel targeted because they're literally 100% being targeted by our extremely painful yet non-lethal weaponry. That's crazy.

Do you live in the one state where like, I don't know where Calamessa is, probably in California, it seems? Like, do you not have laser tag within a hundred mile radius of you? Because it's like painful, but with like nachos and no pain? No, no, no, no. You gotta feel it, Trev. Yeah. I can't feel a laser. And they try to make the vest vibrate. And that does not set off my war horniness. I need it to be... I need the feeling. Can I make a suggestion to you that's different from the suggestions we've put forward so far? Please do. You're on your team and there's an enemy team. Maybe you're playing capture the flag. Maybe you're just playing a good old team deathmatch. You leave your team immediately, run away from as fast as you can, head into the woods.

In there, you're going to find the ghillie suit that you planted the previous night. And you're going to climb into that. You're going to find the, you know, $500 sniper paintball rifle that you bought on the dark web. And then you're just going to start taking people out, sort of agnostic of team, just sort of away from team. You are going to be... You're going rogue. You're going to be predator. You're going to have two long sort of paint rollers that are going to shoot out of your wrists, like, you know, wrist mounted blades that you're going to cover in paint and hit people with them. But when they turn to look at what hit them, you're already gone. And then they're going to call a ref and be like, is this legal?

Is this legal? You hit me with a paint roller. You should tell people you're not going to come. Tell them that you'd love to make it, but you're going to be on vacation in Petaluma. And send them pictures, like, set up your phone. You can probably get, like, an automated script to do this or thing. Like, text everybody at your office mid-match, like, having a great time here in Petaluma. Wish you were here. Wish I could be there. Hope y'all are being safe out there. And then, like, while they're checking your text, dead. What's that? You're triangulating the signal. You used it. Oh, you heard their message tones go off. You come up from the ground. You just

splatoon them from the inside out. I love it. Add everybody in your office. Say, hey, listen, I'd love to keep track of the fun. Can I add you on Find My Friends? Before, I'd love to keep track of all the fun everybody's having. And then, like, how does he know where I am? Oh, that's great. You send them that picture, right? And then they text back like, looks great. What's that? It sounded like that message alert came from right behind me. Good. Hey, can I read Jolly Yahoo? Yes, please. No, but do just have fun out there. Yeah, just have a lot of fun. You won't, because it's the most exhausting activity you've ever done. Yeah, maybe just let yourself get

shot and go to, like, the concession stand and have, like, an ice cream cone or something? Something. Addie sent this one, and thank you, Addie. It's a Yahoo answers user who has chosen to remain anonymous. And I respect their choice, so they will get no name. They ask, if I break a wishbone by myself, right hand versus left hand, will I get my wish? My husband always gets the larger part of the wishbone, always, and consequently gets his wish. He's wished for and received Tripp's cars, money, even a dog. What? Let me start over. He's wished for and received Tripp's cars, money, even a dog, which magically showed up after he got the bigger part of a wishbone. I, on the other hand, have gotten nothing. So I've decided to

break the wishbone by myself. The right hand will have one wish, and the left hand will have a different wish. My, my, my husband says it is, the means of distribution of the two wishes to your two discreet hands is something I'm very curious about. If you whisper it into your closed fists and try not to let it escape. Anyway, my husband says it is totally against the wishbone quote rules, and I'll end up putting a hex on all our future wishbone endeavors. Can anyone offer any insight on the wishbone dilemma? I sure can offer insight. Your husband wants to buy himself Tripp's and cars and dogs and stuff, and he's already done it. And then he rigs the wishbone so that he wins.

And then he's like, I didn't buy it, I need the wishbone, brought the car. It's a complicated pulley system that he has attached to the back of his belt. He wins the wishbone. He starts walking backwards. The pulley releases the dog suspended from the ceiling. Miracle dog. Thank you, wishbone. And your husband knows that if you were to break it yourself, you would blow this whole thing wide open. Yep, yep, yep. I am not a vegetarian, obviously. Love meat. We are time to make this kind of revelation, Justin, but go on. This is one I'm not sure I could explain to turkeys. If turkeys did decide to ask me, like, are you sure about this? About the whole thing? I would say like, yeah, I get it. Like,

I need to eat you for sustenance. And they're like, okay, but what about the part where you wait for my dad's neck bone to dry and then you, you and your dad grab it and fight over it and break it in front of me and then make a wish on my dad's dried bones? As you said. But I can only call like a macabre sacrifice to your hope that I don't know your favorite football team wins or something. It's ghoulish. I would have a hard time. So, like, you didn't even call it by the bone that it is in the turkey. You're calling it a wishbone wink. Nope, it's not. It's not that. This, I couldn't stop thinking about this when I was looking at this yahoo, this thought of like, you know how in like cartoons and like some

fantasy shit, there's like ogres or like, um, like the Urukai and the Lord of the Rings movies where you look at them and they like just fucking tear a little goblin apart and start gnawing on its bones and you see that and you're like, mmm, barbaric. That's kind of what we do with the turkey's neck every year, it seems like a little bit. It's kind of maybe now we're the, we're the barbarians. I mean, there was a moment, this was my first year making a turkey roasting a turkey for Thanksgiving and I did at one point put it on my hand like a muppet and I thought that was very funny, not thinking about the fact that at one point it was a living being. It was a guy, it was a guy, yeah. So does the wish come true if you do it by yourself?

Let's, I want to return to the idea of individual wish deployment. Do you write it on your palms? Do you hold it in your hand like a little butterfly and try not to let the wish go away? You have one wish that you clearly prefer, right? And maybe that's how the wishbone magic continues is one of the wishes is like, I get a check for, you know, $10,000 and the other one is like, you know, I don't lose my car keys for the rest of the year, which you want the money, but either one's a wish. It's got to be a blind, a double blind kind of thing where like you put a whole bunch of wishes in a bowl, you draw two out, you put them in your shoes, you put the shoes on, you don't look. Maybe. Right? You can't like literally the right hand can't know what the left

hand is doing, right? Or and, but here's the thing, what you do, and this is what they don't tell you, you run the risk of the wishbone splitting perfectly in half and you die. Yeah, that's what it would do. Wow. The gene comes out strangles you. Yes, if that kind of power was unleashed, there's a genie just sort of writing around inside of every turkey's neck just waiting for his chance. Yep. I have a wish. As long as my neck can grant wishes, you know, the wish that I have, can you guess? Do you think if a turkey like has an accident and a skateboard or something and breaks its neck, it gets its wish? Oh, wish I don't die. Oh, shit. Whoa. I'm fine. That's how they discovered it. Then we started harvesting them for their wish powers and then we found out they were also

delicious. They're awesome to eat. We should do something with the rest of this bird and not just waste this one bone. You're right. Thank you, Todd. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking this is extremely wasteful. We're just digging this magic bone out. There's gotta be a better way. Well, I mean, it definitely, if you got to think of this Occam's razor style, they see a turkey doing rad skateboard tricks, it has a tragic fall, snaps its neck, but then it gets back up, a wish has been granted. It's fine. I don't think the next step is eat it. I think the next step is let's explore the magical possibilities of the rest of the bones in this creature. That's like if, you know, if you saw Superman be invincible, your first thought wouldn't be

let's eat him. You would get there eventually, but you'd probably be like we should study him. Can you use your losing bone shard to stab your husband right in the neck and then you claim his winning bone shard and the wish he wanted. What if his wish was to lose at the wishbone? Oh, damn. I know this riddle. You have to ask one of the wishbones what the other one will say. Yeah. How about a question? I would love that. My boss and I were talking one day and she told me about her favorite candy bar, which she said is very hard to find. The next day I discovered that my local grocery store

happened to carry said candy bar. So I bought her one as a surprise. I gave it to her the next day and she seemed genuinely excited, but then she stashed the candy bar in the freezer at my work station. It's been a week and the candy bar is still in the freezer. Can I eat it? Oh, I didn't expect a question to end like that. I expected to be like, hey, what should I do because she's not enjoying my gift the way I envisioned. That's from a clever, alliterated name in New York City. Huh. Yeah. No. Justin? Yeah. Split the wishbone. No. Yeah. To be fair, when I said yeah, I was referring to the stumpedness of you two.

Not me saying yes. Because if I gave someone a lovely candy bar and they put it on a shelf, perhaps to display it, I wouldn't then say, well, you missed your window. It's mine again now and eat it. It is, I will say two things. One, it's not necessarily a dunk on your candy bar gift. Some people do like, like, listen, there's a lot of candy I love and I could secure because I'm a grown man. But I'm not going to go out and secure it because if I eat that kind of sugar, that's my week. That's it, man. A Snickers bar would put me in the fucking hospital. I love your candy gift. Are you trying to kill me? Because I'm going to eat this and then I'm going to go home and be like, well, that's my whole day and eat an entire box of Lucky Charms.

And then I'll say that's my whole week and that's it. Yeah. Well, let me tell you, I would like to take this one step further, right? Your boss said it's hard to find. You found one. What's she supposed to do? Just go ahead and eat that on any old day of the week. No, it's special. It's got to be hard to find candy bar. She is saving it for when you guys, I don't know, land the big account or whatever and save the business. Or the big meteor. The big meteor is going to fall. When the big meteor is going to fall and you land the big meteor and save the business. You blow up the big meteor and save the business and everybody else on planet earth. And they're like, Hey, you did it. Digital media startup

company. You say you destroyed that meteor because it was easier to train you to be astronauts than train astronauts to be digital media executives or whatever. And then you, I'm not done. You blow up the meteor and then candy bar time. Okay. Now I'm done. I have to share with you all this visceral reaction of having to this question. I can't explain why it's so powerful, but since we have started discussing it, I can't, I can't stop thinking about and imagining and envisioning so much so that I feel like it's actually happening in my actual mouth and body. The thought of eating a three musketeers bar, like now, like a king size three musketeers bar now is a 31 year old adult. Just the feeling of

calming down all of that sweet nougat and like what that would feel like taste like. Is it a pleasant feeling that you're experiencing? No, no, no. It's quite bad, quite bad. I'm saying, in trying to ingest that truck bed full of nougat, I'm just envisioning what it would, like, it's obviously, it's a fancy fantasy land. If I actually tried to do that, like I would need to be standing in front of my own open grave. So I could just kind of topple over into it. I'm just thinking about trying to get all that nougat down. It's like a fucking survivor challenge. Sometimes I think about this how I do this where I'll open a candy bar. I will eat, let's say a third of it and then kind of fold the wrapper back over it and place it somewhere. And I just

picture like nine year old Travis just like crying and weeping at what I have become. Like, you can't finish a candy. Like we took BB trigger treating, which means I got a lot of candy. And like the fun size bars, I was like, oh, thank God. Not even, but for me, those are not even fun sized anymore. Yes. It would be fun sized. It's like a little amuse-bouche of Snickers served out of a tiny spoon. When I, give me that technology, Mars. When I was a young man and I was selling candy for a fundraiser and I sold a packet of Skittles to my Spanish professor, Senora Berry. And I, upon the next arrival at the class, the beginning of class, she told me how much she enjoyed the Skittles. Then she told me she had to cut the Skittles in half because they were so

extremely sweet. And my friends, I'm here to tell you, I'm saying this with a lot of shame in my heart. I laughed, I laughed in her face that day, that Dia, if you will. And I feel a lot of regret about that because at this point in my life, I get it, Senora Berry. I'm sorry if you're out there listening. Thank you so much. I'm sorry for laughing at you. Now I'm experiencing deja vu because either we've talked about that explicitly on this show before or somebody just changed something in a matrix. When I was a kid, I sold candy bars for band and they were those kind of like, not name brand, just kind of silver with a white wrapper and some kind of like, it just said like crackle. But I, out of like the 30 bars, ate 20 of them myself. Hell yeah. And then I had to go to mom

and dad and say like, Hey, I need to borrow $20 to cover my debts. I fucking high on my own supply gang. And like, I think about that now. And like, I might as well have eaten 20 rocks as far as I'm concerned now as an adult. Now a Kit Kat I can fuck with. Kit Kat, you can, the catch phrase, give me a break. For me, that is prescriptive in a way. It's pre-portioned. Yes. Sometimes I cut the Reese's in half. I can't eat a whole Reese's cup. What is this? Christmas? Let's step out of the candy corner. Okay. Can I do a quick yahoo? Let's do a quick yahoo. Okay. I don't think this will give us much room to play in the space. I want you guys to play with me. I just don't think it's going to be possible. I just really want to explore this. It was sent in by Ian. Thank you Ian. It's

an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm going to call Poppy who asks, Is it possible to drink water without making any throat sounds at all? Huh. I don't want to name names. I have edited at this point approximately 520 maybe plus hours of all of us. Out of this episode? No, out of all of the podcasts we've ever done. I just thought about that number and my butthole puckered up deep, deep, deep down up inside of me. Some of us, I don't want to name names, make pretty bad throat noises when they drink. And it makes me think that the throat is- Is it me? No. Is it me? It's not Travis. And it makes me think your throat is doing extra work. It makes me think your throat, like when the water hits it, it gets panicked and every muscle in your throat is like,

get this shit down to the tummy. Maybe one of us is drinking chunkier water than the rest of us. It's possible that West Virginia water is maybe it's got good, it's got a lot of protein in it. It's got a lot of minerals. It's possible. So part of it is if I work up the nerve to drink some water, I feel like I better make it really count because I'm already here. I better see how much I can get inside. Yeah, sure. So what can we do so that just, I don't, I actually like the noise, Justin, to the point where it's like, you know, I use, I can't sleep without my wife's snoring situation. But is there anything we can do just to make the edit a little bit easier to make that water go down completely silently? Okay, well, I have a bottle of water here.

And I'm gonna, I'm gonna turn up, I'm gonna put my microphone right at my throat. Yeah, just put your sort of your glottis like right up against the microphone. Just to see if you're like full of shit. Give me the bass. I'm just gonna give you like a bass line. A big, a big swig too. Don't take no baby sips. Oh, yeah. So that's, this is, this is the sort of heat that I have to touch with my special gloves every, every week, sometimes twice a week. Justin, how would you feel about if we installed within your throat some sort of sluice situation? A sluice would be good. We could completely bypass any swallowing muscles. I saw it. You would just pour it down a wooden track. Saw an episode of ER once. I think it was George Clooney did a tracheotomy with a ballpoint

pin. I think you might be thinking of scrubs. Yeah. Or the good doctor does a lot of possible. It's hard to say, but I might be Gray's Anatomy. I'm saying if you could do that with a pin, you could certainly do that with a Capri Sun straw and just kind of hook you up to Capri Sun, right? I mean, we could get less gory with it and just hook you up with a proboscis and then it's up to you whenever you use it. Well, but then you might have to deal with this kind of noise. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, dip dip dip in. Do you hear noises when you're drinking a full drink with a straw? Not usually. What about just like a beer bong, but the end of it connects to his belly button and just goes straight inside his tummy. This is obviously the best imaginable scenario, Travis.

Yes. I was about to suggest that I could try to do it silently, but I feel like if I succeeded, that would be not great for me because then if the noise ever happened, it would feel very intentional and threatening. Is it possible that you could just sleep not in your bed where you traditionally sleep, but in like a kiddie pool full of like water with a little bit of glucose in it or something and you absorb through your skin like a froggy frog all the water that you need throughout the day. And that's going to be actually juice, pretty fucking efficient if you think about it. That would be nice. Or, you know, it doesn't even just have to be at night. If we could build some kind of like pod where your head is out and you're able to speak into the microphone,

but inside of the pod is just your body osmosising water all the time. Oh, shit. Flip it. Flip it. Flip that shit. Flip that shit around. I'm imagining a sort of beanbag sized apparatus or perhaps a like a punching bag that boxers use to get, what are they doing with that thing, getting stronger? I don't think so. Just toughening up their knuckles. Yeah, I guess so. One of those, it's about that size, but it's full of water. And we hang that up next to Justin's desk. And then whenever you need to take a drink of water, Justin, your whole body can enter it and you just drink in there. And I guarantee you, no sound's going to escape. Oh, I like that. What if, beginning of the week, like a train, Justin moves under a big water tower, we open it,

it pours down his throat and he has all of his water for the week in one go. That works too. So juice, you get to pick now. Yeah. Boy, we spent a lot of time sort of criticizing the old man. It was fun. I remember distinctly it being fun for a second. I think the easy fixed juice is just put some water in your mouth and then sort of tilt your head upward, but don't do anything with your muscles. No muscular workout. Yeah, just let the water, just let the water fall down your neck. Do you know what I'm saying? And that's going to be better for you. It's going to, like when you have a sore throat, like no ish at all because the water just kind of falls down you. Give it a, give that a spin now. Okay. Give that a spin for me.

There's no swallowing. No muscle movement at all. Yeah, you're going to, you're going to, now juice, juice, juice, wait, before you do it, the water's going to want to go down your lung holes. Okay. Close those off. Close those up. Think about not doing that. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Okay, here we go. It got worse? Yeah, this is worse. It's worse. It's worse. Let's go to the money zone. I don't want to talk. Yeah, sure. I imagine you've done a number on your most human body back in order here. Your vital organs. Hey, I want to tell you all about Squarespace. Bad timing. On this one, whoops, the baby. Squarespace is fantastic. Squarespace allows you to build a beautiful website you can use to showcase your work, announce an upcoming event or special project,

promote your physical or online business, and more. True, yes, we do have a new website elsewhere, but I still use Squarespace for my personal website. It was super easy to put together. Travis is set up, Buttercup is a good girl. Buttercup is a verygoodgirl.com. Yeah, that's the Squarespace joint. If you want to make a website and you want to make it fucking now, you want it to look awesome, and you want it to have e-commerce functionality and analytics, and built-in search engine optimization, and award-winning customer support 24 hours a day, I mean, you got Squarespace. Squarespace is tops. Let me say this. We have got ourselves a second dog. Her name is Lily. She is also a verygoodgirl.com. As soon as they get enough pictures of her,

I will be building another Squarespace website called LilyIsAVeryGoodGirl.com. I should go buy that now before this episode goes up, and just go ahead and sit on that. I mean, the real competition, I think, is you need to do it before Justin does it. Oh, no. Yeah, the juice the race is on, if you've recovered. He's got to be way faster at it than me. So go to Squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother, all one word, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Oh, sorry, I'm racing Justin. Yeah, I can't wait to see the results of this. I'm just going to lose it. He needs this. I need it. I don't need your charity.

I need your charity. Okay, then you read the next one while I get it. All right. Yeah, you grab it, Trav. Go for it, bud. Get it, Trav. Get it. I don't have it. Oh, no, did you already get it? You have any troubles getting it, bud? Did you already get it? Oh, bud, I got it three weeks ago, bud. No, I got it when you adopted the dog, bud. You shouldn't have texted me that you were getting a dog before you got to the URL of your dog, obviously. So Justin can now hook that up to whatever he wants. I'm going to read the next ad because you guys are taking too long. It's Quip. Quip is great. Everybody, I think all of us have a Quip toothbrush. I certainly do, and it's my sort of main bathroom bud. I use it, and it

fits in the mouth quite nice, and it gets all the nasty stuff off there, and it's fun. I tell you my favorite thing about it, we travel pretty much nonstop these days, and it is so easy. It's got this little case that you stick onto your mirror, and you put your toothbrush in it, and then whenever you want to travel, comes off the mirror, and then the case covers up the sensitive bristles, and so you can just take it right with you. It's a great toothbrush. Also, it's an electric toothbrush. Yes, it's an electric toothbrush, too. I don't know if I said that, which is great. I would not fuck with an analog toothbrush at this point. Anyway, Quip is the gift that keeps refreshing with brush heads automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just

$5. I just got my first refill, and I am never that diligent about re-upping my toothbrush game, and it's so nice just getting those stiff bristles. You know what my favorite thing about it is? When you get the new one, you pop off the old one, and it says in the instructions, use the old one to clean it up to make it feel like a new toothbrush against genius. I'm also on the plan where I get a AAA battery with it also. They don't recharge. You don't have to fucking worry about that. You just pop one AAA into it, I think. It's weird flags, but okay. Lily is a very goodgirl.com is taken. Quip is, it looks like a big ticket tech gift with a stocking stuff for price starting at just $25. Go to getquip.com slash mybrother and get your first refill pack for free with a

quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at GETQUIP.com slash mybrother. So now I assume, Justin, I'm going to have to pay you or maybe a bidding war off Mike. We'll figure it out. Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well researched, and your podcast hosts to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah, and what's your deal? I'm Emily. I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses and its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping.

Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on MaximumFun.org. I want a munch. Squat. I want too much. Squat. This is a little bit different from a munch squat because it's not about a menu innovation. And it's not even a lot of bizarre PR speak. I just want to give it up to Burger King for going so hard. Two in a row. I'm going to give you the first one that's a little less amazing. Burger King introduces the dog purr. You need to say that again. I need you to really hit the consonants a little bit harder. Burger King introduces the dog purr. Dog purr. Dog purr. D-O-G-P-U-R. Instead of wah, there's dog. Oh, Lord, take me now.

Take me into your blessed kingdom. It's a special flame-grilled bone for your dog. Oh, thank you. If you get it through Door Dash, then you're going to get a free one because they're going to bring it to your house. They're going to bring your food and then it got a little something for your four-legged friend, a little BK for a little Burger King for your king, Rex. Yeah. I don't have one of those. So what am I supposed to do with this? You eat it. No, stop. Stop. I want you guys to stop. I want you to really use your fucking noggins. I want you to think about this. I would bet that a lot of people don't have dogs. I would say that if you're the type of person that has to order Burger

King remotely, you're probably not in a place sort of in your life where you can support a dog. And so with that in mind, Burger King will deliver their hamburgers to you and a bone. This is fantastic news for me. Yes. It is good. I do question. Most fast food hamburgers are inedible before you leave the parking lot. You have about a 30-second freshest window to enjoy them and pretend you're eating food, but I cannot imagine it's like, well, it's been my trunk for 20 minutes. So happy to be here. Please enjoy your food. Adjacent to a bone. They are not saying where these bones are coming from. Yes. Now, here's the thing, Griffin. If you don't have a dog for your dog purr, you can save them up and build an anatomically correct, edible skeleton. Did you

know that? For who? And I don't think they're delivering skulls. For the king. Yeah, they're not delivering. If you have two dogs now. No, you have to find this skull in a whimsical cross-country adventure. I have a second. So like that, they came out with that, right? Legit. And then this just came out yesterday, or any before. It's the Whopper Detour, and folks, I fucking love this, okay? Do you already know about it, Griffin? No, it's just the name makes me think that you're taking a, you're on the Urail, and you're taking a trip through the Mediterranean. So here it is. You can get a, from now until December 12th, you can get a Burger King Whopper if you order it through the Burger King app. You can get a Whopper for one cent. The trick of it is, though,

you're going to love this. The trick of it is, you got to order it at McDonald's. What? What? You have to go to McDonald's, activate the Burger King. What? You have to go to McDonald's. Yes, turn on your Burger King app, and you're, if you're within 600 feet of a McDonald's, you can order a Whopper for a penny. It's so fucking good. I would, I would please, do go through the drive-thru. You have to go through the drive-thru. Like, what do you need? Like, just your GPS coordinates, I guess, because I'm getting a Whopper for a penny. This is, this is very, this is, did the Jackass crew become like the new marketing team for,

for, they seem like pranks to me. It is a prank. It's a prank. You can order it at almost all of the McDonald's 14,000 locations you can get yourself. They, the poster for this is extremely good. It's the McDonald's sign kind of blurred out, and it just says, billion swerved, because they fucking got you. Oh, shit. They got you, McDonald's. Holy shit. That's really good, actually. Yeah, we're enjoying this in a very, very direct and unironic way, which I'm not super comfortable about, but it is, I feel like McDonald's and Burger King have a sort of mutually assured destruction, sort of stalemate demilitarized zone between them right now. This is clearly an act of organized aggression that like, I am terrified of what this, the repercussions of this, what McDonald's is going

to do to answer. Oh God, you're right, Griffin. This is going to escalate. It is going to escalate. That's true. This is the beginning of an arms race. If you burn down a Burger King, you get free McDonald's for life. No, don't say that, Griffin. I want to, I'm not done. I'm not done. The swerve's extremely good, but this year, and this one's already coming gone, this year, Burger King also opened whoppershopper.com. What's whoppershopper.com, you ask? Well, it launched for Black Friday and went till Cyber Monday, so it was real great, is a quick deal. It was a site heavily populated by banner ads from different brands, and then you would put in the name of the brands that are being advertised there, and then you, because you had, every time

someone would click on the site, Burger King would earn money, and then they would give that money direct to free whoppers. So you would go to whoppershoppershopper.com and demand that brands buy you hamburgers in exchange for clicking on their banner ads. Thanks, Dick's Sporting Goods. Thanks, Dick's. Just the presence of a munchquat in this episode mean we are not also getting That's a Christmas to me? It does. My wife and I have not had time to craft a new Hallmark film. I'm sorry. Let's answer another question. How does that sound to y'all? Yeah, is it? Yeah, regular question time. Recently, my close friend texted me asking if I still had Pokemon cards. Of course I do. Specifically, she wanted to know if I had a holographic

zap dose. Don't pretend like you don't know the word. I don't, bud. I don't. I never even finished one of those fucking things. And if so, if I was willing to part with it, I immediately and excitedly told her that I did. And of course, she could have it for free. After a brief eBay search, I've realized that the version of the card I have is actually worth a good amount of money. What should I do? Do I still have to give it to her? Do I ask for some kind of payment? Or do I sell it on eBay for all it's worth? And this is, that's for Pokemon Master and Medford. This is actually a good one. Let's, let's, I, hey, can we, I hate to ask this this close to the holidays. You guys behind us, if we send jokes out of the room for a couple minutes to really

just pass through this. Oh yeah. Jokes. Jokes. Jokes. Get out of here. Jokes. So I have a sandwich. Just have a Burger King on a, a Burger King whopper on us jokes. Let's take away, let's abstract this. Okay. I think about that if my memory serves, I'm not as plugged into the market as I once was, but I think street value on a holographic zap dose. If it's first edition, we're talking about $75 to $100. We said, we said jokes out of the room. I'm just going to check the bay. I'll just check the bay. Yeah. See, see, see if I'm, see if I'm close. So if that's the case, if your friend says, hey, do you have $75 to $100? And you say, yes. And they say, are you willing to part with it? And you say, yes,

you can't really walk that back. I feel like there is a sort of wild variance on this. It looks like there is a Griffin. Just will you look Griffin? Because you could probably like decode this a little better than I could. What did you search for? Holographic zap dose. Okay. Yeah. I mean, we got some pre-owned ones that look a little dingy, a little beat up. They could also be fake. Some of them are from Sun and Moons. They're not first edition. Those are the ones you're looking at that are like $1. Then you start getting into the base set first gen holographic zap dose. You're talking about $65. Here's a buy it now for $275. Here's a $200. Here's more. Here's more of what I was looking at. About $85, $84, $95, $100. That's about the,

that's about where you're going to. So there's some core. I mean, there's some serious coin on the line. Yeah. Okay. And some, and you know what? Some serious zap dose. We can't just sort of look at the monetary value. We've got to look at the strategic value. This thing can play, this thing can do thunder. That's 60 damage. You can also use thunderbolt for 100 damage. It's like, this is a, this is a fucking powerful car. It's a powerhouse. Yeah. I guess the thing that I'm left wondering and Griffin, maybe you can give some insight to this. Why would your friend call and ask you for zap dose? If not because either A, it is a powerful card that they wish to use in playing the game. Yeah. Or B, they know it is

worth money. Those are the only two reasons. The only third is some kind of art project that specifically means that zap dose esk flair too much. Well, and boy jokes has been out of the room for such a long time. I'm starting to miss them, but like it could also be a collection thing, like where they, they just need a holographic zap dose. I mean, it's also kind of a cool looking card, isn't it? Look at this big bird, this big scary bird with a, with a holographic background behind it. It's, it's, it's a powerful object. Like sometimes you just want, you know how people are like really into crystals because of the power that resides inside of them. That's kind of what's going on with this holographic zap dose card. Okay. What, what do you owe this person? Assuming

it's monetary, what do you owe this person? Because it seems weird. We have to, we have, there's no fucking way it's monetary for the, for them to email you and say, do you have Pokemon cards? Do you have a holographic zap dose? I need that. That's a wild way to get 85 bucks off your friend, huh? It is wild, but they didn't say holographic, didn't they? They, that's not for play. You could play. You could play a non-holographic zap dose, Dan and Justin, you're right. This also means Griffin, if it's for a collection, they've looked it up and said, hmm, $85. No, thank you. I'll just see if they have one. Just call my idiot friend, Jeremy. Yes. They know exactly what they're doing, Griffin.

They're, they're trying to catch them all and by, um, I mean you and by all, I mean in a trap. I'm also pretty sure that zap dose isn't allowed in like league play. It's legendary. Okay, let's bring Jokes back in the room. This is like a really rich- Hey Jokes, thanks for coming. I'm, I'm afraid of Griffin. Fart, fart, fart. Oh, what would smell like if zap dose farted? A one-man play, sorry, coming to Broadway. Yeah, what if you had sex with zap dose and it was pregnant? Do you guys feel better now? The Jokes are better? A little bit, a little bit. That is actually very good. I think you have to ask them. Nope. Sorry, you, you agreed to it.

You were so, you were so excited about someone being interested in the collection that you just agreed to it. I think you gotta live with that. Yeah. Yeah. Damn it, I wish I still had my fucking Pokemon cards. Damn it, I wish I was playing any kind of TCG right now. Boys, you gotta stop me. I'm an adult with more money than I had when I was a teen. I could buy a bunch of TCG shit right now. What happened to all your Pokemon cards, Griffin? Yeah, I did sell them. I did all right. Made a little, made a little scratch. Do you think you would have made more money now if you just waited? Yeah, pal. Does that bother you? Let's spend, actually let's spend the rest of this podcast,

just me looking up cards that I definitely did. Oh, Holographic Blastoise, that's 175 bucks. That's about what I made for my entire collection. So that, that one hurts. What about mute, what about the promotional mute too from the, from the movie that got released? Here it is for $249. So that one really shrinks the old nuts. All right, I can't find anything else anymore. How about the yakuza, Griffin? You needed the distraction. Yeah, sure. This one was sent in by Nick G. Thank you, Nick. It's a yakuza user anonymous. What's weird is that it's an actual user who has made their name literally anonymous, which is a strange way of going about it. And it's a, is this Radio Disney song about sex?

Heard this song on Radio Disney the other day while my little sister was listening to it in the car, started listening to the lyrics and there seems to be a ton of sexual references in them. Show me yours and I'll show you mine. You be the lock and I'll be the key. W-T-H. What do you, W-T-H with? What the hell? Why is this on Radio Disney? What do you think? Am I interpreting the lyrics wrong? The song is Midnight Romeo by a band or artist named Push Play. This was on Radio Disney where Goofy lives? Where Goofy lives? Goofy is trapped inside Radio Disney. So some of the lyrics include, my lips touch your lips. My hands is on your hips. What's it gonna take for you to give me my good night kiss? Man, they went for that, huh? Instead of the lyric, you'll be screaming

for more and more and more of me. Yeah, so that's in there too. They turned it off. Where Goofy lives? With his friend Donald? In my home? We're singing this next to Mickey Mouse who's 90 years old. His fucking heart can't take Midnight Romeo. Gonna make you sweat. Gonna feel it head to toe. The orgasm. Right after that line though it says, I'll be your Dr. Jekyll, your Mr. Hyde, which makes me think that Push Play might have a fundamental misunderstanding of the story of Dr. Jekyll. Or of sex. This is a good song. There's also a line here, tonight's about to win. What's that mean? What's that mean? Hey, you sure you got that right? You guys don't say that right before you make coitus? Tonight's gonna win. Tonight's gonna be epic. I say that as I'm stretching, preparing

my body. It's about to be epic. I'm just saying, Uncle Scrooge is gonna have to have a talk with Huey Dewey and Louie who live inside of Radio Disney because this song is their new neighbor. And it's talking about, you know, sweat. I do believe even if there were no other references, something about the word sweat in a song of like, I don't know how to explain this to my kids. It's never been used in a non erotic sense when speaking about music. If you're even gonna make you sweat, that could be referring to dancing or perhaps working out. It could also be, you know, a reference to working out that boner. Maybe we go through line by line and see if we can make it sort of, we can interpret it in a Disney way. Okay. So, meet me at my door. I'm also looking

at the lyrics by the end. Meet me by my door at the, by the end of the night. That's okay. That could be something you say to a UPS driver. I have a pizza for you. You'll be screaming for more and more and more. Okay. Already we've hit a considerable road. This is a pretty big bump. That's challenging. I also want to say though, the next line is tonight's a big night, so let's make history. Okay. Which must imply that the sex is going to be so good. People will write about it for years the year of our lord. So, what if they finally figured out sex. Let's take this first stanza and we'll say that it is actually about a pizza being delivered and it is sung from the, from the perspective of the pizza. Okay. You'll be screaming for more and more of me.

More pizza, please. That goes with my lips touch your lips. It's like, oh, your lips touch my pizza lips. That's what pepperonis is. Pepperonis, this pizza lips. Now, my hand is on your hips. Now, that could just be my pizza hands are kind of on your, like a moment on the lips lifetime. Oh, like you're, oh, yes, yes, yes. You're putting on the LBs from eating so much. What's it going to take for you to give me my good night kiss? Like a late, late night. I thought you were done. Again, back for more. Perfect. Oh, have you guys ever left? I've done this so many times recently. I hate to admit it. Have you guys ever left a pizza out all night in self-defense? I've gotten to the habit of like, I gotta let it rot. I can't put it away. You gotta let it rot.

You got it. Now this fits our pizza theme. It's so good. Because the next line is, oh, whoa, my heart is being fast but my hands are moving slow. I think this person's having a heart attack. They ate it too much pizza. Yeah, sure. Now their heart is being fast and like their hand, you know, they're having pain in their arm. Okay, so this one's tough. Late night, gonna hit the town, gonna take you out, gonna make you go, whoa, whoa. You would not do this. Wouldn't do that with pizza. I can't. You could take your pizza out on the town like, hey, pizza, I'm gonna show you some of my favorite hot spots. I don't think pizza can be like, this one's on me. Let's go. I'm driving. Is this a switch in perspective to the driver maybe? No, if that's the case, then it's gonna

make you sweat. Here's the problem, boys. I'm looking three lines ahead. We got gonna make you sweat and it's gonna be tough though. We've got that and show me yours and I'll show you mine. And then it's just hard. That's just tough. And I'll tell you, there's no reason I've eaten so much pizza in my life. The next line is literally the title of the song, Midnight Romeo. I've never said anything even like close to that. That's the name of the pizza company. The pizza company is Midnight Romeo's Pizza delivers very late and they want you to know you can get Romeo's at midnight or a Midnight Romeo as they have called it here. If you will. I'll show you mine. That's easy. They've got a pizza exchange program where, give me your old pizza. I'll give you this new one.

Exactly. Alternatively, you know how every PG-13 movie you can say fucking it once? Maybe this one line is referring to genitals. Now, we do get to Dr. Jacqueline Mr. Hyde. Do they work at America's Pizza? It's gonna make you sweat, gonna feel it from head to toe. That's jalapeno on the pizza. It's very spicy and you're like, oh, I can feel this through my whole body. It's so zesty. Oh, and it says here a little later in the song, tonight your dinner's free. So like, they probably got there after 30 minutes. Let me just say a problematic push play lyrics. Tonight your dinner's free. What's in it for me? No, sometimes you just buy the pizza because you want to buy the pizza for someone. Yeah. Hey, Goofy's in there. So watch what you're doing there,

push play. I played my little one, my four-year-old. We were talking to her about Kesha, and who Kesha is. I think she came up because you had, or your wife, Teresa, had discussed Kesha with her on tour. And I wanted to play a song of hers to familiarize with this concept. So I picked Tiktok. The concept of Kesha. The concept of Kesha, the very idea of Kesha. And I picked Tiktok because it slaps. But I noticed that luckily there's a kidsbop version of it because some of the lyrics are challenging for a four-year-old. I just want to hit you guys with it. Yeah, what does she brush her teeth with? Okay. So grab my glasses. I'm out the door. I'm going to hit this city before I leave, brush my teeth, and then I go and pack.

Because when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back. Well, that's very responsible. You're going to go maybe spend the night in a friend's house. Spend the night in a friend's house. And then later we got drop top and play in our favorite CDs, pulling up to the parties, trying to get a little bit silly, which actually sounds more like drug use than tipsy. Tipsy sounds like I'm going to have one drink too many because I've earned it. I've had a hard day at work. I'm going to have one drink too many and then wait and sober up before I head home. So here is a weird, a weird change. I didn't see coming. Don't stop. Make it pop. DJ blow my speakers up two night. I'm all right till we see the sunlight. So that's again, perhaps not. I'm

going to fight. No, they're all right. Like this is more disturbing kids, Bob. This is someone who is only okay when it's nighttime and they're in a darkened club. Then when they see the sun come up at five in the morning, they're like, well, time to get back to my terrible kids. I guess I hate this. And then is the best part of a tick talk. The kids about version is that's all the words in the entire song because they can't make any of the rest of the song is unselegable. So I hand to God for 90 seconds. They do the chorus fight. That's it. That's it. They can't do it. They can't like boys want to touch our junk and all that stuff. Nope. Can't figure it out. Can't figure it out. Can't do it. Just going to do the chorus five times. Kids Bob. The kids Bob version of Sleazy

is just an instrumental. Thank you all so much for listening to our program. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Again, our new website and YouTube channel is Macaroy Family. If you're subscribed to MB and BAM on YouTube, one, sorry about the years long neglect of that. Thank you for your patronage. But it has been resurrected as Macaroy Family. So here I subscribe, but it's worth it to go check. And macaroy.family is the website. If you would go check it out and follow, there's a Twitter account too, at macaroyfamily. Honestly, don't know. It might just be a good like catch all feed. We don't exactly know what we're going to do with that yet. But if you could go subscribe to that channel and bookmark that page, we'd sure appreciate it. We're really happy

with it. And we think it came out real neat. And that's going to be for the future, like where we've got, we're going to have the Macaroy Mail or mailing list that you can get stuff through. And also, the website is going to be where all tour information and there's a merch link there and I'll link to donate to the show, all that stuff. It's all at macaroy.family, M-C-E-L-R-O-Y in case you're curious. And also, go check out macaroymerch.com. You can see some of that at macaroy.family as well. The fucking December pin of the month is so fucking great. It is real great. There's ornaments on there too. There's some good stuff that you want to get all your family and friends. And you know, that coworker that you drew their name for the Secret Santa gift exchange,

you're like, I literally know nothing about them. Get them some of our macaroy merch. It's as good as anything else you would get them. Fair. The December pin of the month is my job application electronic sign that says, you know, it's so fucking choice. It's really good. Anything else? Start setting in your candle nights question. Yes, please. I want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parture off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It's a fantastic album, fantastic dude, and hey, good holidays gift, I bet. Also, I want to thank Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Definitely want to shout out the JV club with Janet Varney has joined the network very recently. So if you've sampled the

other shows on the network, go give that one a try because it's fantastic and much better than any of the shows that we make. So that's something that we're going to have to struggle with. Do you guys want the final? Yes. Yeah, this final Yahoo was sent in by Graham Robach. Thank you. It's Yahoo Answers user Al the pal who I'm almost certain I've gotten the last question out of before. Al the pal asks, I know cows have udders, but do they also have breasts? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

I'm bailiff Jesse Thorn and I'm Judge John Hodgman. If you live on the west coast of North America, we're coming your way. That's right. Judge John Hodgman is taking justice to the west coast on tour starting where Vancouver, British Columbia, January 15th, then to Seattle, Washington on the 16th, Portland, Oregon on the 17th, San Francisco, California on the 18th, and Los Angeles, California, the City of Angels on January 22nd. Tickets are on sale now. You can find links to all of the shows at Maximumfun.org. And if you're going to be in one of those cities and you have a dispute, we can try on stage. Send it to us. Just go to Maximumfun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at Maximumfun.org. I'm ready to judge you on the road.

Take that Jack Kerouac, author of On the Road.