My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 458: Race Island: A Horse Show

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

A criminal crime happened in front of a breathless nation, and we’re just supposed to sit back and just like, celebrate a weak horse? This will not stand. We will not stand for it. Suggested talking point: A Robbery on the Racetrack, Darth Navarro, Batilda, Big Awesome Bones, Wet and International Hamburgers, Susan Office, A Thrifty Snip

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice you for the Modgenera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin, I'm fucking steamed gang. Whoa. I'm fucking off today. This morning finds me to be owed.

This is interesting energy to bring to our comedy advice show. Well, what am I supposed to do when I'm this piss tickled, Travis? I'm this frustrated and piss tickled that just my world's fucking falling apart, Travis, so I'm really pissed off. Oh. Why is that? Oh, because of all the like really bad stuff that's happening in the world and all the people that are in danger. Yeah, exactly. Pissed off and ticked on, I am, because of the you all saw it, right? You all saw it and it was just fucking nudge, wasn't it? It was just a little nudge. It was a little kiss. Wait, what are you talking about?

Griffin, are you talking about like, you know, how the Notre Dame? I'm not talking about my no, that's covered by all the trillionaires who have nothing better to do. I'm talking about the beautiful, these beautiful beasts, these beautiful Kentucky beasts. And then they bumped and then that got me really pissed off. What happened because of that? Justin, do you hear about this shit? I am so tired of Griffin telling me how over he is talking about horses. And then he gallops back on the show with another equine. This isn't even about me. This isn't about goosebump horses, Justin. This is about this is about the gosh dang sport. And I did. I did read about I just kind of skimmed it. I didn't really like debrief it,

but it's something about one horse would have won, but it humped another one. It wasn't even a hump. It was barely a nudge, Travis. And don't be fucking pure isle with your humor when we're talking about something like exciting and important as sports. So Griffin, I feel like you might be the only one who knows what you're talking about. Okay. So there's this big horse race that Kentucky does sometimes. Maybe you've heard about it. The one with the hats and they it's the most exciting like 90 seconds in sports because these horses get together and they race and we make jokes about it every year. But this time the jokes on us, it feels like because of the viewers, the maximum security,

which is the horse's name. Everybody was like, that's going to win. It's owned by quote, billionaire philanthropist Gary West and Gary West races raises himself a good motherfucking pony. And maximum security won the Florida Derby, which is a joke. It's a joke race that we all like to poke fun at when we're sitting there in our cool hats. And sure enough, maximum security like a fucking car, like two horses. This guy ran and won the big race. And then he crossed the finish line, they poured all the milk on his head and poured milk on the jockies head and everybody was like, yeah, the one who was supposed to win one and everybody got a nominal amount of money, except the people who placed stupid bets on weak horses. But then one of the horses was like,

hey, to its manager, hey, you should say something. And then the team behind this horse named country house, the worst horse name I've ever heard was like, it is a very slow name. Yes. Hey, hey, ref, run back the tapes if you don't mind. And apparently maximum security, a whiff of a whiff of skin, and a little fun out there had a lot of fun out there, a whiff of skin rubbed up against country house, they disqualified the fucking horse country house was a 65 to one long shot. This horse is a fucking joke. I could have beaten this horse in a foot race. But it's it was like, I'm actually, I got touched. And so it was in second place. And then it got the win. And then there had to be something going on because 65 to one, that's so much money if you

bet on that one, even though you're wrong, because it lost because it came in super rich. What were the odds on maximum security graph? One to one, it was supposed to win because it was in prophecy and shit. And then it and then it got kicked out of the race forever for doing that. So Griffin, I want to try to sum up how you're feeling and you tell me you agree with that. No, I'm gonna I want to try to like encapsulate her. So you would say the Kentucky Derby decision was not a good one. I don't think it was a good decision overall. So okay, so you would say it was probably you would say it's like it was a rough and tumble race on a wet and sloppy track, actually a beautiful thing to watch. Yeah, I think that's how I would encapsulate. So you're

agreeing with that. So you would also say that only in these days of political correctness could such an overturn occur. The best horse did not win the Kentucky Derby, not even close. I would say factually, statistically, yes, all that tracks. You're okay. So this entire tweet, you're like completely on board with. Yeah, whoever tweeted it, you're probably like, no, that was that one was was was our cool press. So you on this one, you wanted one. Listen, two parallel light circles screaming towards the wall. Listen, and if they touched the blue ones out, it's the whole point of the white cycles is to make them bump. Listen, fucking rubbing is racing. These horses are gonna touch out there on a sloppy course. I don't understand,

like, I disagree with everything else he's ever said, but this is this is this is factual. I'll take this to its logical conclusion, though. Well, you're like, if one horse was running and stabbed another horse, would you disqualify it? Well, that happened, of course, in the 1996 Derby when Murder Boy lived up to his name. Yes, of course. And do you think he should have been disqualified for that? No, they did book the jockey on that one, which is good, because he was really goading him along. That was the right decision, but he didn't do the stabbing. No, but it was he was accomplice and they everybody knows horses can be led. You can't lead a horse to water, but you can make it murder somebody if you say the magic spell and it's here on the racetrack.

So the thing that irritated me about the president's cool tweet is he said the best the best horse did not win the Kentucky Derby, not even close. I would say considering the second place horse was then awarded the victory. He wasn't in fact close. He was extremely, he was way closer than any of the other horses. So much so that he was the second place finisher in that race. I would also argue that the best horse won and then got disqualified, which is very close. That's pretty close. So in either way, the best horse was very close to winning. Either way, you look at it. I can't believe they did the Kentucky Derby on yesterday. It was, it was free comic book day May the 4th and also Kentucky Derby like Nerdgasm.

You know what I also find weird that it's kind of like a speakeasy thing where they never publicized the Kentucky. It just happens. And if you're not looking, you'll miss it. Yeah, no one knew it was happening until the horses were like halfway around. Here's a quote from Bill Mott, whose country house is trainer that lucky son of a gun. Bill Maher says, you know, here's the thing about the liberals cause I am one, but don't they stink guys? Yeah, cool. No, Bill Mott says, with regards to Luis Saez, who was the, who was the de jockey on maximum security, the most powerful, wonderful horse that ever lived on this earth. And he said of Saez, I think the horse did this on his own. I don't think Luis Saez did, did anything intentionally. He's a friend of mine.

He rides with me. My heart actually aches for them. I've been on the other end of this plenty of times, just not in the Kentucky Derby. Eat my whole asshole, Bill Mott. You know, Bill Mott's like, thanks, Luis. I don't give a fuck. Like what happened? I got the money. I got the money. My horse's nuts are now worth a billion dollars a piece. Everything kicks ass. This horse is, the other horse is going to die tonight. And that's on me. And my good friend Luis Saez, who I did pay $100,000 to kick the other horse. Like he's playing fucking road rash. Horses are dumb. But I don't think they're so dumb that they were interraised and they'd be debating blasting, side blasting one of their group patrons. It's like, I want to win so bad. I want to side

blast this other horse so I get executed in the parking lot tonight. Not like that, but that's so worth it to me. If you think it's the horse's fault, you shouldn't punish that. It's a horse. It's a horse. It's a horse. It has to cheat. It doesn't know what the fuck it's doing. It has to be a horse. Anything that happens out there has to be the human being of the horse's fault. It depends, right? We're talking about nature versus nurture. You grow up in the fields. It's like, oh man, it's all about just being free. And if we find some wild oats, hell yeah. But when you grow up in this environment with somebody every day yelling at you, rubbing is racing, rubbing is racing, get out there and trade some paint, motherfucker, then these, of course, they're

going to just push on the field. But again, again, though, not the horse. This person is offloading blame from the jockey to the horse. It's like the horse has the horse to tell the horse. The jockey's one job is control the horse. Yeah, don't let the horse blast the other horse. Don't let him a side blast the other horse. Side blasts to keep it moving forward, not side to side. Not side to side. You lose valuable time that way if you're a side blast to your enemies. If you wanted to make the Kentucky Derby fun and watchable. Yeah. I make it about 40 seconds in every year. I'm like, which way is the bar? Yeah, too long. Too long. A minute and a half. Come on. Which weapon would you give East Jockey to make the Kentucky Derby bad?

Only jockey to jockey violence, right? I don't want to see no jockey's hurt in horses. Well, more than that. No, no, no. Jockey to jockey violence, right? I would say a net. A net seems fun. I think what would be cool is if instead of weapons, you just, what is there like 30 horses in this fucking race, take 15 of them at the starting line and you turn them 180 degrees. And now we go. And hopefully on pretty much the complete opposite side of the track, there's going to be a sort of collision field. A sort of collision sort of a collision zone. Every half lap, we're going to end up entering to the collision zone. And you really need to sort of get around that. And I think it's just last horse standing.

What about this, uh, tinier horses? That you would now explain. Same exact. It's the same exact race, but like miniature horse, instead of full size horses, I would watch the hell out of it. Give me, give me like 12 little Sebastian's out there. Yeah. Forget about it. I'm watching the hell out of that. We could do 29 little horses and one big, powerful horse that is. And one Clydesdale. Got a mighty, mighty hunger. It can only be satisfied in one dark way. Instead of 30 horses in the same space, 300 horses. 300 horses is really good, Trav.

I was actually going to suggest that when Griffin asked how many horses there were, I thought he was going to like quintuple it and just let him get out there and team. Yeah. What would be tight is if the track was made out of just slick stainless steel, and then it sort of sloped inward, like it's sloped towards the center of the track, so it would collect all the good horse grease that would be generated by these 300 beautiful animals just walking all over each other. Just catch all that grease and a pan in the middle, and then the winner gets to eat it for power. Check this idea out. One island. Okay. 400 oats. Some horses.

Race it out. Race Island. Race Island. I'm telling you, man, if you really want to sell Race Island, you've got to get the word horse in the title. Race Island, a horse show. This fall on ABC. A horse endeavor. Race Island, a father horse mystery. The horse is a priest. Race War, a horsey story. Oh wait, it's not getting worse. Race Island, Helicopters. It's horses though, yeah, but we watch them with the helicopters. How about 30 horses, one of them's a robot, and we're not going to tell you which. All right. And the twist is, they're all robots.

God, that was a lot of horse work we just did there. Good work, boys. You begged for it. Still got it. You wanted it so bad. I mean, Griffin, not you the listener. They've been begging for it too. I'm a part-time artist, part-time nanny. I like to combine these talents and get money for them by offering private art classes to youth. My biggest worry is getting stuck with a kid who I have nothing in common with or just a bummer. How do I set up a screening process to make sure I only had to teach cool kids without them or their parents realizing they are being screened? And that's from an awfully awkward artist. This is like a backwards Mr. Holland's opus

that I really enjoy. It's Mr. Holland's dopus, and I really like it a lot. Listen, if I was going to stand and deliver it, I don't want to get halfway through the semester and be like, no, you know what? I can't help here. I thought I could. I thought you were cool, but it turns out you suck shit. Get out of here. Is it better to teach? Teach a kid to do art and he'll be underemployed his entire life. Teach a kid to hang and he can chill forever. Think about that for a second. Teach a kid to hang art and he might become a docent or something somewhere. That's a job. Now, that's a job. There's a job. That there's a job that can never be done by a machine. No, no. Hang in art. No, no, no. You need a human touch for that.

You need a human. You could dress yourself up like a big child and then see if they bully you, and then if they ride off on their skateboard after doing so, you're like, okay, that seems like a popular and I could be with that. Like you really beg for it. Like you were like a second hand elf teacher. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you walk in and you fall down. And you have like a chocolate pudding stain on the back of your shoulder. Yeah, like shit. Like shit. Fucking back into me bullying.

And if they don't say anything or if they're like, let's get you to the bathroom and clean it. Let's find a teacher and you're like, ah, damn it. You're not the chosen one. I wanted to, the kid in the corner who yelled, is that shit? Everyone look. I've got to find out his parents who they are and if they are interested in enriching his mind with artistic endeavors. It is more fun if you can sort of make the kid be cool, make the kid be someone who is in common with you. That wasn't a good sentence, but I think you got the point of what I was trying to say. I actually didn't. No, me neither. If the kid's not in common with you, get him there. Wait, what does that mean? That one's even worse.

Yeah. So first of all, those glasses have got to go. Oh, wait, are you she's all thatting this kid? I think that's, I'm doing a sort of, Mr. Holland's all that sort of situation. Mr. Holland gets his group back. And boy, I wish I'd seen that movie so I could generate some good jokes here, but just kind of like, you know, you know what that movie's about. And it's the things about it that would be funny to poke jokes about. So you go ahead and do that yourself. Thanks. I mean, you tell the kid, you need to buy some weed, right? I mean, that's how you. That's a dangerous gambit, Justin, because if the kid's not cool, you just lost your job. Whatever. If the kid is you,

if the kid tells you he's a fucking narc, you didn't want him anyway. They can't fire you for telling them that their kid's a narc. Yeah, they can't fire you. You quit. Hold on. Hey, listen, it's not my fault. I thought your kid was cool. I think you need to re-evaluate your parenting decisions. They don't work for a firm. There's not like a service set in them out. They're an independent contractor who wants to buy some weed. Is it weird if you request headshots of them wearing what they think is their coolest T-shirt? Because that's gonna, that's gonna, that'll be a good sort of rubric for you to grade these children. Headshots are good. Headshots are good, but if they just dress up and they're Sunday best, if they dress up wearing

a, but if they dress up wearing a sports T-shirt or an athlete's jersey, then yes, come on in. Well, but I think you might also need, maybe you just like a hundred word essay on the back explaining why the shirt is cool, because like, there is a Garfield T-shirt that I wore unironically when I was like nine, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I saw a nine year old now wearing that, and they were like, this is ironic. I'd be like, oh, okay. Oh, in there. But if I saw them and I'd be like, wait, is that, is that ironic? I'm ironic. Oh, I am. You didn't clarify what kind of artist. So I'm just going to assume you're a film director or a director of photography or something. So all these kids can't have a place in your film. You know, you can ask for headshots. Tell them

you're looking for a bad boy. If you find the bad boy first out, great. But if not, then you just find another place to fold them into, you know, if they're giving off kind of a wimpy, non-energy, maybe they're like behind the bar by the cool kid that you eventually find, and they get like, pull over the bar and like, shout out as a beer bottle on their face or something like that. There's a part for every kid in your film that you're making. Yeah. I'm just saying, if they're wearing a Darth Maul T-shirt, you might be your redneck. But if you're wearing a T-shirt with a badass picture of Dave Navarro on it. What if you're wearing a Darth Maul T-shirt, but Darth Maul is dressed like Dave Navarro?

What if you're wearing a Darth Navarro? Yeah, if you're wearing a Darth Maul T-shirt and you are Dave Navarro, I'm short circling over here, boys. We should, we should make a Darth Navarro T-shirt and see who seizes, because I am curious who would get there first. I got a guy who can read it. This one's sent by Austin. Thanks, Austin. It's anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to call Dave, who asks, how do I make it seem like I need protein powder for school? My dad gave me his credit card and told me to order school supplies. I accidentally ordered over a gallon of protein powder because I had put it in my shopping cart as a joke. What school related thing can I tell my dad it's for? It was $70.

Let's talk about this funny fucking joke first. Was somebody watching you order school supplies on Amazon? Because that's a weird show for them to be taking in. Or was it just a little, what if I did get yulked? I'm just going to add it as a little goof for myself. And I think we all know that you wanted to get completely jacked up, ripped up and yulked. And there's no shame in that, but don't call it a joke. Call it a secret. Protein powder is expensive, especially if you're getting some pure dope keto friendly shit, like the real dope fucking shit that's not just ground up turkey. Yeah. Because a lot of protein powders these days are dried up ground up turkey and they'll flavor it

with chocolate or vanilla, but I know the truth that it's just ground up turkey. I want the ones with weird mushrooms in them that's going to freak my muscles out. Yes, isolates, right? Thank you. I wanted to get really crazy in there. I saw fucking Rob Lowe hawking Adkins. And he's like on a street corner? No, on a commercial. He's like, this is this is the shit that works for me. And it's like, Rob, I have basically Rob lived in your guest house for the past 25 years of your life. You have never needed this. You cannot keep anything from me. I followed you from West Wayne to Dr. Vegas and back like you do. You have never needed this program.

I call bullshit on you, Rob. Robert, if you prefer. So why is Bob Lowe? He prefers baubles. What are we going to say to this guy's dad, though, about this being a vital school supply? Travis has it, Travis has it, Travis has it. Tell him you have a super yoked teacher who hates apples. And this is what you're going to put on his desk day one to ensure straight A's. That's good. That's good. My teacher of philosophy is star of station screen and the WWE superstar, Dave Batista. And he loves teaching me about Emanuel Kant. But when he gets an apple, he throws it back at the child that gave it to him as hard as he possibly can. Now, if I give him this, it'll appease him like an angry god. And I feel like

I'm going to get a lot out of it. Dave Batista, aka trunchable, hates apples and kids and will throw an apple through a kid. Love's Groot. Love's Groot. Love's Groot. Love's Groot. Love's Groot. But if I give him this protein powder, then I'm the Batista and I'm baby Batista. Remake Matilda with Batista's truncheball. Thank you. Do it, cowards. Thank you. It's 2019, cast Dave Batista as truncheball. It's 2020, cast Dave Batista as Matilda and call it Batilda. Cast Dave Batista as every part in the movie. Batista as truncheball, Batista as Matilda in theater 2020. This is a film. Now we're back. Now we're back. Miss fucking truncheball tries to pile drive Miss Honey. Miss Honey, the reverse is it. Pile drives to Miss Truncheball. She

breaks her neck, dies in the first 10 minutes of the movie. Cast the rock as Miss Honey, cast what other big boys are there? Get Vin Diesel in there as Danny DeVito's character, Mr. Matilda. I have a fight. Hey, there's I want you to imagine something, a tri-fold construction paper display. And you know how it's always like what causes volcanoes or like is cold really the future? Is cold really the future? Is cold really the future? But how about this? What if you saw a project that just said on construction paper letters, how jacked is Dylan? And it's just the science fair project is like how jacked? It's just you under a sheet and when the judges walk by you throw out the sheet and yell real jacked. I'm extremely

jacked is the answer. And then when the teacher comes by and is like all right so tell me everything about the science details of your project. You're like well protein is an element that gets you totally wild strong and if you mix it up with these mushrooms which is the middle of the food pyramid then it makes your like your makes your pecs go absolutely crazy in there. So my name's Dylan and I'll take my A plus now or else you're going in a chokey. I can put you there. I can put you there with my huge body. Now eat this whole cake. Eat this whole cake. Batista. I want to watch Dan Batista eat a whole cake. Please. I have a very specific website for you Trapp. Let's send that right along. I got a handful of WWE superstars in my employ and let's just say

the tables have turned on Mr. Goldust who recently announced his retirement and let's just say he's coming to he's coming to me for his lunch these days. So it means his lunch a whole cake. It's a whole cake. Yeah. And I haven't locked up on my roof. I feel like a carrier pigeon. So a whole cake. Yeah. I have another question. Yep. And I've been having the same problem for years now. People think I dig up dinosaurs. It's unrelated. Sorry. I'm an archaeologist. I've been having the same problem for years now in continents and efficiency in my writing. I put in extraneous details like my career. Whenever I ask advice, there's questions about incontinence. Okay. I'm an archaeologist. I've been having the same problem for years now.

People just think I dig up dinosaurs. Recently doing my masters in osteoarchaeology has just made this worse because when I say I work with bones, they say, oh, like dinosaurs. How do I let people know that archaeology has nothing to do with dinosaurs and I dig up people and not plesiosores? That's from fallacious in the Cretaceous. Yes. They were a lot of difficult words in there, Justin. You did a great job. Thank you. I started feeling pretty good around osteoarchaeology, but I didn't want to say anything because I knew I'd fuck up like lit. Yeah. Yeah. You're afraid I mean, I wouldn't just assume you dig up dinosaurs. I would think that you obviously do dig up a lot of dinosaurs. And that's maybe 95% of your work. But the other

5% of your work is fighting with Nazis on conveyor belts and squishing them down into a rock tumbler. Something along those lines. Here's the thing. I would say that if you're an archaeologist, right, you're doing some digging. I am. You might accidentally find a dinosaur. Maybe it's not what you're looking for, but like it's not like if you found a dinosaur, you just throw it away. You know, if you're looking for, I don't know, dead humans or clay pots or whatever and you find a Tyrannosaurus rex, you probably still keep it, right? So if you are in an area, hold on, stop the podcast. If you're in an area where you assume there to be human remains and you instead found dinosaur remains among the human remains, things have gone terribly wrong.

Well, I mean, the other option, Justin, is every time an archaeologist digs for something, it is where it's supposed to be and they find it. And I would say my scenario is more likely than your scenario. You, but like what you're saying is insane. Think about the layers of the earth and we found dinosaurs. Oh, it looks like all dinosaurs were Egyptians. No, I'm not saying like if you dig down five feet, right, and find some old bones, then someone has buried a body there and you're not dealing with archaeology. You're dealing with murder. Right. Okay. Say 50 feet, whatever. It's not like if you went a few miles west, there would instead be dinosaur bones at that exact depth. I could go outside and die on top of where a dinosaur is. And then

a hundred years from now, somebody find my bones and they're like, well, let's keep on pushing. And in the same way, I'm sure this person, when they're digging and they find dinosaur bones, they're probably like, well, let's excavate the stomach because maybe it ate a person and we could find them inside there somewhere and then get a double. I am just making the case that I don't think you find human remains and dinosaur bones at the same depth. Not at the same depth, but once you find one thing, you don't stop digging. You're not just like, ah, femur, cool, quitting time. Like you do the whole area. I think you're probably, I don't think you say like, well, we've had a very good day of other clay pots. I'm going to dig another hundred miles

under the ground and see what I dig up. But I'm saying you might accidentally find a dinosaur next to you. You go a hundred feet to the left. There's some dinosaurs. If the wind sweeps through the desert plains that you're doing your work in and on your way back to the site, there's a whole unearthed Tyrannosaurus Rex. You're not going to be like, ah, the bones are so big. Let's just keep going to where we intended to dig up some boring ass human bones and they've only got like 50 bones. And this T Rex has like a thousand huge radical bones. Right. Yes. Thank you, Griffin. I'm just saying, I guess my thesis is that dinosaur bones are better than our bones in

every imaginable way. They're bigger. They're way bigger and there's more of them. And I want to fix this person's problem. Okay. No, I'm saying like, I'm redirecting your energies away from, are you with me? Okay. Because none of us know anything about what we're talking about. I've seen the Flintstones. Okay. I've seen bones and there's bones literally everywhere, Justin. Do you think that when it's burning? I've got it. I've got it. 100 years from now, 2000 years from now, someone's excavating a museum. They find dinosaur bones and human bones right next to each other.

Right to each other. What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Do you think what elephant is walking? And then they see a person dead on the ground, but they also wanted to die there. They're like, I'll keep walking another 100 feet so our bones don't get mixed up. So foolish. It's so foolish what you said. Okay. I'm, I am, I am, I've found a scientific article here that I'm reading to help with this. Okay. What can we do? If human and dinosaur bones are, yes, if human and dinosaur bones are ever found the same layers, it'll be fascinating to both creationists and evolutionists. So there's a whole rabbinical view of history would, wouldn't be surprised, but we consider certain logical possibilities such as human parties

invading dinosaur lands for, okay. This is from answersingenesis.org. I'm sorry. That's no good, bud. Okay. All right. Sorry. Yeah. So I think you just have to keep telling them what your job is so that future generations don't have to. And I'm sorry you have to bear the weight of it, but it's just tough. It's just tough. When I find out you're a bone getter, I immediately go to dinosaurs because they have the biggest coolest bones. And so just let me live in that fantasy because I don't have the chance. The Indiana Jones thing could help though. That's where my mind goes. Like you never saw Indy digging up bones. So that's what an archaeologist does. So whatever Indiana Jones does.

I'm pretty sure he finds those people bones at some point. I'm pretty sure he makes some people bones with his gunny ass. Do you have a fucking gun? Because I want to know that. Definitely. People don't talk about it, but it's not like Indiana Jones is in highly traffid areas. If Indiana Jones turns you into corpse, that's where you shall remain for the rest of time probably. He also doesn't have a license to kill. Like he's not like James Bond, but that fool has, I know they're, listen, I know they're villains and in many cases Nazis, right? I listen. I'm glad he killed them, but he has killed a lot of people. Just a ton, like a lot. Like a metric ton. Is he sitting there going like, I want to have job security for archaeologists

in the future? So I've got to kill these people now? Yeah. He's investing in archaeology future. Well, I mean, his KD ratio isn't quite as hot as the box full of God's anger or something. Not even quite sure what happened in that one, but he sure did get a lot of those fellas. I think it's just pure uncut God. He just really got in there and really hurt those men. Really bad. I got this one, Indy. Sit this one. Save your bullets, pal. Save your legs. I got this one. You got me last time, Indy. I'll get this one. Hey, what are you, I can't, I can't look at you or else I'll explode, but what are you doing out there? Well, I'm kind of just shooting through a bunch of the lower rank ones, but this big important one got to make his whole fucking

face melt. Wow, that's cool. I was just going to shoot him. No, no, no, don't worry about it. You stay tied up. No, he's a message to the others. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. Don't look, though. It's super cool what I'm doing, but don't look. Don't look. It's embarrassing. I'm melting this guy. Okay, you can look. No, don't. That was a trick. Okay, bye. Should we go to Money Zone? I love that. Hey, can I tell you about Casper? I was away from my bed for over a week and I hated it. I mean, I miss my family. Don't get me wrong. I miss my wife or my child and everything else, but my bed called to me from across thousands of miles because I sleep on a Casper mattress and man, after you've slept on a Casper mattress, nothing else will ever hold up.

It has the benefits of a hybrid collection, meaning it's elevated lift support, which increases airflow for cooling, durability for all body types and enhanced edge support. So you don't get that thing where I flop around a lot while I'm trying to sleep and the edge of this bed doesn't just collapse and you roll off. It's amazing. It's my favorite bed in the world. I can't imagine sleeping on anything else. Well, you did. You just did, so you have to be able to imagine it. Now that I'm not doing it, I try to remember it and it's just a haze of discomfort and pain. Okay. And so you have to check out these new hybrid mattresses and when you do, you can get $100, $100. You can get 100 doilies towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com

slash brother and using brother at checkout. That's Casper.com slash brother. Use brother at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Go check it out. Get $100 towards select mattresses. Casper.com slash brother. Use brother at checkout. It says here Casper. Sleep better. Dream wetter. It doesn't. Blue apron. Blue apron also has a tagline and it's cook better. Sleep wetter. And they wanted to give you a box that has lots of delicious ingredients in it that you're going to be able to use alongside this recipe that is sort of the codex for the produce mystery that they provide. It's like an escape room, but they tell you exactly how to do it. And then once you get out, you have like chicken piccata or some shit. And it is super tasty. We've all

done blue apron. I learned how to cook with blue apron. It's been a lovely experience. They make cooking at home a very sustainable part of your weekly routine. They got like fresh stuff. They got a bunch of menu options that you can pick and choose from that are designed and tested by test kitchen chefs. They use unique specialty ingredients to bring these chef quality recipes to your dinner table. It's a really, really good service. And right now you can start making delicious brag worthy meals at home without the hassle. If you try blue apron, you can check out this week's menu and get $60 off when you visit blueapron.com slash my brother. That's blueapron.com slash my brother blue apron. A better way to cook. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne and justice is within your

reach. My mom refuses to take my phone calls. My boyfriend says I should take our cats with me to graduate school, but I think he should keep them. In the court of Judge John Hodgman, justice rules. My partner's board game collection is out of control. My sister won't stop stealing my clothes. I'm Judge John Hodgman. I'm tough, but fair. I'll bring you justice and I'm only a click away. Tipping, automotive etiquette, siblings, roommates. If you've got a case, go to maximumfund.org slash jjho. Judge John Hodgman is tough, but fair. Subscribe to the podcast today. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Would you guys like to enjoy the Munch Cod segment? Wow. What a polite and calm way of entering the segment. Yeah, hold on. No has never been

an option. Well, in its twilight years, the Munch Cod wants to be remembered for being a considerate segment that tried to make room for the new kids coming up. Not that his brothers come up with segments of their own, but as it sort of dips into the sunset, it wants to be remembered as a segment that made room for the new guys coming up. But the two segments I've done, everyone hates. Yeah. Which ones are they? That would be Sadler's and Riddle Me Piss. Could you try maybe different better ones would be? I'm doing my best. And for the record, Riddle Me Piss has a 100% success rate and it's never died in the vine and everyone loves. It's just harder for you to do so you don't. Okay, that's fair. I'm going to start reviewing,

doing recaps of The Good Fight on the CBS All Access Streaming channel based on entirely on guesswork. This is a very, and it's called The Good Recap and this is something I've been pitch to. And Justin, I guess if you want to step aside and let me do The Good Recap or are you like dead set on Munch Cod? No, I got it. So then I wish I could do it with strings. That would be more appropriate. It's Twilight. Yeah. Oh, like a full-stitch. I want to Munch Cod. I want to Munch Cod. So I have a quick one here that is very good. It's a Munch Cod Jr. kind of

Krispy Kreme is launching a new fruit-inspired donut lineup and they are serving fruit. Yeah, it's actually amazing because they have four new donuts that look that are shaped and decorated like fruit. So there's a strawberry donut and there's a pineapple donut and there's a key lime donut, but they're all, they're donuts, I guess, but they try to make a lot. So if someone was like looking at you through the barrel of a sniper rifle, they were citing you for assassination, they might think for a moment like, wait a minute, I think they're eating fruit. I think we need to call off the hit. They're turning it around. I was supposed to kill someone that was eating a donut, but this couldn't be them.

Look how healthy they are. Or alternatively, somebody's looking for their blind date and they told them, I'll be the one eating a big strawberry the size of my fucking face and then maybe a love connection happens. Maybe my thing is good instead of death like yours. Oh, maybe. So that is, right now they're doing strawberry. Get there. Just kicked off today. I think I want to tell you about, God, I have so many really great ones right now. McDonald's is doing something new. You know, they're sunsetting the signature crafted line. Oh, I know. I know. It's really hard. They were so wet though. Every one of those I ever ate was so just sopping wet with too many ingredients.

I love the way it always gooshed out the back. It gooshed out the back like a guacamole gusher. I'm heartbroken over here. So McDonald's is going to bring worldwide favorites to the menu. McDonald's is where you're going to go for international cuisine. It's an expects thing to travel is just to go over to your local McDonald's. Some of them have been tested stateside. One of the items is called the Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger. I had one of these in Gay Perry, I believe once. The Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger is from Spain. Like MC Xtreme? It's a fresh beef. The McExtreme. Like McElroy, but without the Elroy and at Xtreme. The Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger is a fresh beef quarter pounder.

Top with McBacon sauce. Stop bacon. Okay. Gouda cheese and slivered onions. And that was piloted in Florida. The Spain of America's Southeast. The Stroopwaffle McFlurry features vanilla soft serve with caramel waffle cookies. Now hold on. I'll fuck with this. No, I know you'll fuck with it. I know you will. But what about Canada? The tomato mozzarella chicken sandwich is a Canadian favorite that comes with tomato and herb sauce. And then there's cheesy bacon fries that are I guess from Australia. This is what it says here. So I don't know why McDonald's. The thing that was notable about this to me is this idea that McDonald's would say, oh, you want to know how they do it in other

countries? Well, we can handle that. Here's what they have in other places. But this is the way they're doing it elsewhere. Do you think that there's the same kind of exchange back the other way? Where like if you're like in Australia or Spain or whatever and you go to McDonald's, you're just like, yeah, this is a hamburger. We have this exact, or wait, is this where McDonald's pizza went? Has McDonald's pizza been living in Italy this whole time? That's where, yeah. It can't be in two. Every McDonald's has its own custom menu items, Travis. I'm glad that we finally got a round of the real facts of the matter. This would be more akin to if McDonald's Spain had a paella that they served and they'd be like, just like in America. Has it? Does it there?

I do remember that when McDonald's served bratwurst and they're like, this is from Germany or whatever. It's a German hamburger. It's just they put it in a tube shake. You don't know. Eat it. You don't know anything, idiot. You're never leaving. The McRib is back from Norway. Enjoy. It's like McDonald's is basically betting on people not leaving the country. Is the bet that McDonald's is making here like, trust us. This is Spain. This is how Spain does it. Making streamed bacon burgers. Can I read a Yahoo? Yeah, please. Here is one that was sent in by level 9000. Yahoo, Drew Drew, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's from an anonymous Yahoo Answers user.

Kenneth asks, what would surnames be if they were invented today? If surnames weren't invented until today, what would they be? Like how many people are named after their job? Would they be like Johnny Vlogger, Susan Office and so on? Yes, yes. Susan Office is not. My job is Office. I'm Gregory Timpson. Do you think it's weird that all that son stuff is weird, right? Like John's son. Yeah, that's what our name is. It's the last name. It's weird. McMackerel, I mean son of El Royson. But it's not literally just like Mackleson. What if we were all called Daddy's son? Because we're daddy's three great sons. Okay, well, I wouldn't mind that. I think Griffin Daddy's son is actually not bad. If surnames were invented today,

I would request that you choose an animal that you feel best represents you. Is how you get your last name. Imagine if instead of your brother Justin McRoy, which we can all agree is a pretty hum drum. What if I was Justin Tiger Shark? All right. Oh, wait, hold on. Justin, you are telling me that the animal that best represents you, the best sums up what it means to be Justin, is a Tiger Shark? Well, not right now, but if I knew that an animal surname was on the line, I might try to swice things up a little bit. Oh, I see. So it's more of an aspirational. Exactly. That's every day I want to live in a Tiger Shark faster. I would probably be currently, I would probably be Justin

Sugarglider. I don't know if they upgrade it as they go, but. This would bring me one step closer to my eternal dream of being named Griffin Hellbender, which should be radical. I think it would be really cool. I think it would help me get my autobiography on a few more library shelves. It would also get me closer to being called Chester Cheetah. Yeah. Admittedly, I'd have to change my first name to. Striking distance, yeah. But if I could get that second half, I'm halfway there. But then we also have a lot of sort of long like doctor names now. So it could be like, and I don't know any of them off the top of my head, but just imagine I did know

like the name of what a boner doctor would be called. And so it'd be like Griffin Boner Doctor, but it would be the doctor's name of its profession. If we were going to invent certain names now, I think it would be like, so like my name is Travis, right? Say I had a son named Robert, right? Now that person's name is Robert Travis. And then they have a kid named like Edward, and that's going to be named Edward Robert Travis. And then they have a kid named like Michael, and it's going to be Michael Edward Robert. And it just keeps getting at it on forever. That's how it works. That's how it works. You got to be careful with making it your profession, though, because if it's something like, you know, Jeremy Cannibal, Jeremy Kittenkicker.

If your name is like Jeremy Dude Killer, then people are gonna, people are, you'll be arrested. But then you can also be like, please, Mr. Dude Killer is my father. Your last name should be the number of followers you have on Twitter. That should be the way we do it. So I know if I even want to fuck around. Your last name could be like a Yelp review. So it is your profession, but also with a descriptive word. So it's like Jeremy Bad Doctor. Oh no, Steven Good Sandwich. And you're like, okay, you can kind of get it updated. People can kind of leave a new last name for you. And if you're a shock, shock radio DJ, then your name can literally be Dr. Crankenstein. There you go. I think your name should be whatever

you announce it is in the moment. So like maybe I go to a conference and I have a very professional name, right? But then I'm going out to do karaoke later and I want to be like Jam Jamilton, right? Okay, cool. My name is Jam Jamilton now. You know what I mean? Like, and then I probably am going to need some kind of LED license that I can change to fit the name. But that's my idea. It's just you are whatever you announce. So maybe like if you, when you go out to karaoke, you have different friends there and you want them to call you like Nick. So that would be sort of like your nickname that you have, right? Like a nickname. I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be a joke or just like a good, a good. No, it wasn't a joke. It was just pointing out that you

had just reinvented names. Yeah. I mean, everybody's name should be whatever it's going to be. I'm talking about specifically just the moray of surnames now. Johnson's gone. Johnson's gone. Miller's gone. All of these old ass professions and naming conventions. I really want to dive down deep into if it can they be aspirational? Can I be called like Griffin Blastoff Astronaut? Because I want to be a Blastoff Astronaut. Griffin Blastoff is a, yeah, that's a great name. Yeah. Is that hyphenated? Yeah. I mean, so would Griffin basketball superstar of the 1996 Chicago Bulls. How about Griffin astronaut superstar? Astronaut basketball superstar. Griffin Slam Blaster. Michael Jordan best friend, 96 Bulls game six winner and high point score MVP.

And that's the end of the name. How about Travis just wants to nap? That's not a job, Travis. Holy shit. Get with the program. No, that's aspirational. If I could get paid to nap, that's a job and a dream job, Griffin. I'd be happy with Justin Great Dad. Okay. Well, I mean, we'd all, we'd all like that, wouldn't we? If you were a great dad. Yeah, but I've been, I'm unimpressive. What about Travis Great Butt? Ah, cool. Yeah, Travis has all been about how good he is at his ass. Maybe yours should be the name of your favorite episode of friends. Uh-huh. Travis, the one with the shirt. Your first name is your favorite episode of friends. Uh-huh. Your last name is your favorite

episode of friends. He just put it to death. The one, I like the, I like the one, mine is the one with the neighbor that jerks off space monster. Mine is the one with the took he had who kills everybody. Mine is the one where Joey gets his dick stuck in the bathtub drain clone enemy. My, my preferred name is the one where Chandler gets caught trans silence thought unifier model 11, which is a little bit of a mouthful. You can just call me Danny. You can just call me Joey gets his dick stuck in the bathtub drain clone enemy. I do. Actually, I want the whole thing. Don't show me by my full name. Joey jerked off into the bathtub drain clone enemy. It was my father. I'm the one where Joey

gets his dick caught in the bathtub drain clone enemy. Uh, here's another question. My wife and I are in our 20s. My wife. Congratulations. Because she doesn't want to ever physically birth a child, I got snipped because it was like a hundred bucks. I had a group on you. Yeah, right. I was, I was already in the neighborhood. This guy was just doing them in, in bulk. So I got me and 20 of my friends. He just went down the line. It was Friday the 13th. I got that and a cool 13 tattoo. My dad had to cancel. So I put on a fake beard like him and said, I'm my dad. I'll take his vasectomy if he doesn't want it. You've already cut the knives and everything. I stood around

waiting for a last minute cancellation. Then it says the problem is we haven't informed her parents. Obviously it's our life, but we aren't exactly holding this information secret and don't want them to find out this information from another source besides us. How do we tell them this gently? We might adopt one day, but also that's not a promise. So we don't want to lead with that to get their hopes up for grandchildren. That's from snipped in the south. I, this is a really delicate and sensitive question. We should be very mindful of that while we talk about it. And I think when you are talking, um, when you are talking to, to her parents about this delicate thing, I think there will be a moment where they are disappointed. But then when they find out what an amazing deal

you got on this vasectomy, I don't know. I don't know how that could be upset anymore. Well, uh, we get it. Did you say a hundred fucking dollars? Holy shit. I might go get a vasectomy again. Just because the price is so good. We're sad that, um, we won't have genetic grandkids, but we are thrilled that Deborah married such a trained bargain hunter is yourself, Schuyler. God, that was what a good one. Nice. Hold on. I want to call my office and tell them, is this still happening? You get like a card or anything? Like do we need to refer somebody or just, I mean, here's the thing. I, you know, it doesn't rule out them. You know, you said here, it rules them out being grandparents, but all you've said here in the

question is that, uh, you're not looking like physically sort of do the whole gestation thing. So they can pick up some grandchildren, of course, like obviously, you don't want to promise them that makes sense. And vasectomies, as I understand, are reversible if you do decide to make a $10,000. But that's, yeah, that's how they get you. Huh? That's how they get you. Uh, the first taste is free. The vasectomy is not. Okay. There are, there are so, we are obviously talking completely out of court, but you've like asked us this question. So we're going to do our best. The vasectomy is not the issue at hand. You don't need to look in your wife's dad's face and say, I got surgery on my wiener. What you needed,

your wife needs to tell her parents that she doesn't feel like having kids, she thinks probably forever. And that's how she feels. And that's fine. But like, I don't think the inciting event should be the surgery you have on your face. You don't say like, Hey, I fucked up. Winter Vegas got super drunk. Accidentally got a vasectomy. No, like, Exactly, right? It's like the car, it's, it's a symptom, not the car. You all made a decision. Now tell her parents about the decision you made before they hear about your vasectomy on the nightly news or whatever. This would be like you going to your parents when you're 15 and being like, so just so you all know, I got the surgery to remove that bone

in your arm that makes you go to college. So that won't be happening. Yeah, I already had the surgery. I'm sorry. Yeah, I mean, like it sounds like a conversation that like you all should probably have, but it doesn't have to be a conversation about your extremely personal surgery. In fact, I would almost kind of file that under like, nobody's business, but your own. Maybe to be mentioned later. Yeah, right. Like wait till someone else says the word vasectomy in a couple years. You don't even have to help that much. You can just be the one in the back of the room where they're like, are you sure, Vicki? And you're like, I'm pretty sure. I think we're sure on this one. And then maybe five years later, her dad is like, yeah, so I went down and

I found a great, really nice spot in the marina that was open and just got a killer deal on it. And he'd be like, you think that's a killer deal? And then you tell you are you are going to tell him about your cheap vasectomy that you got in the in the basement of a fucking dick sporting goods, which is funny in a lot of ways. It's very ironic. It's very, very good. You I am a little frustrated with you, friend, because you did miss the window where you can tell people these things and they have to be more concerned about the fact that you're having surgery. You miss the one window where it's like, hey, people need your support. So it's like, hey, mom, hey, dad, can you bring over a bag of frozen

peas for Robert's balls? Something to talk to you about. He needs a bag of frozen peas and a videotape rental with a great film on it. Oh, best of luck. That is a that is a that's a tender situation, but all the best to you and yours. Thank you, folks, so much for listening to our podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Okay, trust me, it is a tender situation. Yeah, no, it wasn't a joke. No, it is. I mean, it is. I'm coming from a real place. Yeah. A lot of inflamed tissue, I bet that hurts quite a bit. Yeah, in the general area. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. How's you hate to see that, folks? So here's the thing, fucking nobody's coming to our Cleveland show.

We really need you to come by tickets, okay, and try to get friends to buy tickets and trick them. We part good things about the cleave. We're excited to be there. All the other places are doing like really good to pretty good. So many, half of their shows are sold out. Only it's the half that we're not doing for a while. And we're doing this one in a week. We're starting to freak out a little bit, please. We've been hitting up Diedrich Bader. We've been hitting up fucking Ryan Stiles. We've been hitting up Kristen Miller, like get out to this show. And then I find out they don't actually live there. And I've been lied to my whole fucking life by the Drew Carey show. Sucks. And listen, hey, if you need added in like reason, Paul and Storm

are going to be there playing. It's going to be incredibly fun. We've never had them open a show for us and we're super excited about it. And they're going to do really good music that you're going to like. And all your friends are going to like. So you should bring them with you to the show. Travis, stop fucking selling. They can smell this bullshit a mile away. Guys, all that stuff Travis said was true, but mainly like, please, we can't all be ruined. Please just buy tickets and bean juice. We've got a lot of them alive. Yeah, it's in a rough. These bugs are fucking good and they make the coffee taste better. But like in completely unrelated news, if you head over to macroemerge.com right now and just suck up on bean juice bugs, you never know.

Yeah, these things are worth their weight in ceramic, which you'll need to craft new stuff in your city. Sure. Bone spears and stuff. They make a great bone spear. We also have a new, I hate you, Ron, pin of the month. That's only going to be available in May. There's a new saw bone shirt about vaccines. There's some Schmaner's thank you notes over there and a Schmaner's tote bag. Some really cool stuff. There's a Rachel's poetry corner from Wonderful that I'm just a big fan of. It's a pin. Yes, the thank you. I want to thank John, Roderick and the Long Winters for these for a theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Just this really, just swanky, snazzy album with a lot of fresh tracks

on it, kid. You're going to love them. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network at maximumfun.org. You can find all of your earthly pleasures and delights. It would probably help if we said that you can get those tickets at macro.family and click on tours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or bit.ly. It's the first show of this Become the Monster tour. It's the first one. Please, that'd be so demoralizing. I was trying to come up with good ideas for like tickets. We'll get good, we'll do some tricks. I don't know, whatever you want. I was thinking maybe we talk about Star Wars for an hour and a half. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. So here's the final yahoo. It's from another anonymous yahoo answer user. I'm going to call Dietrich Bader,

who asks, do you eat celery in the military? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. What are you laughing at, James? I'm laughing at you. What? And me too. Our podcast, Minority Corner Silly. Oh, the one where we talk about topics that cover the queer community, race, feminism, and good ol' pop culture. Yeah, that's it, girl. We are so funny. I was just thinking about something that we did. Wait, wait, wait. Are you listening to me or? Both. Minority Corner. Every Friday.