My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 459: Face 2 Face: You Know, Like Eggs?

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

We’re scattered hither and yon this week, so here’s our recent live show from the Shire-esque paradise known as Salt Lake City. Join us for discussions of homemade knives, skull-based fighting techniques and, hands down, the yuckiest Munch Squad ever.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new craze. And the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Welcome, my brother, my brother, me, and my show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Hey, we're cute. Are the house lights on? Because it seems like I could sit.

There we go. Okay. Little distracting. I'm your middleist brother, Travis McElroy. It actually hurts a little bit. Like, it's so loud. It's like being next to a jet engine. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. These, these facilities are built to make sure the sound is great going from the violins and shit to, to you. And they don't really count on people and be like, help, yeah, fuck you. Mounted butterflies, my shit. This is an advice show. We have been in your beautiful city for all seven hours. We flew in and it is astounding. I think it's the right word. It looks beautiful. The vistas. The vistas, it looks like you are in a fairy village nestled inside of a remote

mountain kingdom. It was like flying into the shire. Yes. And then I said in the, I said in the van ride from the airport to the hotel and it fucking slayed. So I'm really excited. I dropped this on you. Hey, hey, more like Salt Lake pretty. Yeah, very good. Thanks. So I'm like walking, blown away, driving through your amazing city, blown away at these vistas. And then I walked a half mile to get 4% beer. And are you all okay? Because you can tell us if you're not okay. Everyone blink twice if you're not okay. You can come with us. There's room in the car. I hate to be the one to break it to y'all, but there's stronger beer other places. I think that maybe it's not a great fit because yesterday when you love to be

parting with someone who's traveled in from Salt Lake city, they're like, what's wrong with you? I had two beers. Losing it. We were trying to figure out what to do. We have some time to spend tomorrow in your beautiful city. And I was like, there's the big cottonwood cannon looks really, did I say cannon? Looks sweet. It looks like great hiking. And I was saying that out loud, not realizing just what a tough sell that was going to be for the McElroy family. I was looking at it like, and you just walk a bit. Keeping in mind that this is like when we're looking for a restaurant, if it took 10 minute walk, we're like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe we should rub it. Justin literally said,

do you, is there like a store to buy something when you get there? We're all having a lot of fun. It was a good time. It's a good place. Thank you for having us. Thank you for the warm reception. Holy crap. Would you all like to, oh, we're going to do some of our twisted skewed jokes up here for a bit. And then we're going to do audience questions that you all have sent in ahead of time. Thank you all so much for doing that. It may be kind of tricky because this is just, this is just a big square of humans. The whole audience is one solid person. Yes. But again, if you come to see Lobo M, you're not like halfway through like, ah, I've fucking seen this before. I'm out. You're also not like, I'm going to ask him how it's going

to end. I'm going to make a sneaky exit. Yeah. So it's an advice show. Yes, but I'd like to open with a yahoo from the interest. Okay. Riddle me piss. Riddle me piss. Okay. So unprecedented. Unprecedented. Riddle me piss, boys. I've now been interrupted doing a yahoo from both brothers now for their great segments. And it's really taking. I can't believe you're starting with this. I would like to ask you boys a riddle. All right. This one not from riddles.com. Whoa, hey, but from riddles.fyi. Okay. Now this is a real brain teaser. Yeah. I love him. I love his great voice and how long he makes it last. I love how the riddle master has devolved into mini ripperton. I'm really enjoying that. What has wings but cannot fly legs but cannot walk and eyes

but cannot see a potato. The last part is a potato. The last is a potato. Would you like to hear it one more time? Not really. What has wings but cannot fly legs but cannot walk. I legit think I know the answer. And eyes but cannot see griffin. I'm going to say a penguin, a chair, and a potato. What was the last one? Eyes but cannot see. And the first one was wings but cannot fly. Is it a buffalo wild wings? A good guess. But no. I will read it to you one more time. Oh my god. No. I would also like you to remember that on riddles.fyi you can see how many times someone shared it. So remember five different people at least looked at it and said oh hell yeah I'm going to share that. I imagine it's about to go up precipitously. What has wings but cannot fly legs but cannot walk

and eyes but cannot see a dead bird. It's rough. He's not wrong. I didn't write it. Although I do think it opens up a whole new realm of riddle of like what looks like a dog but can't bark. A dead dog. So here's a yahoo that was sent in by Graham Robach. Thank you Graham. It is yahoo answers user. The internet doesn't work on the stage. So I'm going to say bill bow asks is a restaurant a store? Technically speaking. Update. Okay well to clear things up. Whenever my family is going to Olive Garden we say I'm going to the store. Why on earth? To who? Well I said this the other day and my friend looked at me weird when I said that I was excited to eat the breadsticks. I think that

technically a restaurant because they have stock parentheses food and you give them money parentheses dollars. Oh I see. Not coal mining script then. Yes. Uh I mean no no no yeah well yeah actually. But I guess I stand by my question because how often does it come up that you're like hey I got to go to the store and it's like why are you telling me that? It's like well because I'm leaving to go to Olive Garden but like how often do you call Olive Garden the store? Apparently this person every Sunday after church. The only reason you would do that is if you didn't want them to go to Olive Garden with you. Yes I see. You're trying to dissuade them from tagging along. We're just going to the store with my family to have infinite soup salad and

breadsticks. I mean oh no. You could. I think it's unlimited not infinite. It's just it's one long breadstick that is a array without a terminus point. We don't know where the minister only comes from. We open a valve and it just pours out. You could do your grocery shopping at Olive Garden. You go in you get a bunch of Andy's mints. Yeah. You buy a bottle of the dressing. You buy like see if they'll put a bunch of sauce in a vat for you. You get a bunch of the noodles. You can even snack on some of the dry ones in the containers. Yeah if you wanted to. You can even snack on some of those of the way home. Yeah if you wanted. If you were told to. Yeah you probably would. I feel like there's like if I were going

to look for like what is a restaurant most like. I wouldn't say a store. I would say it's like a food vacation. Oh I like that. Do tell. Because you get all the fun parts. Princes eating. Yeah. Without like having to cook it or do dishes or whatever. Yeah. I'm going on vacation to eat the bread stick. Yeah. I don't think you could. I mean you can say a lot of things pretty much anything if you want. Yeah you could call it an interactive snack museum if you want it to. I'm going to the Italian heritage celebration. It's a festival that starts whenever I go in Olive Garden. Travis do you mind if I move your mic up a little bit. I'm not getting the full experience.

There it is. I really want to taste those plosives. They have plosives there. No. Plosives of Zeppelin is one of the new desserts at Olive Garden. A waiter just comes up and opens your mouth and goes. This is actually a wonderful dovetail into this first question. I am a chef at a casual fine dining restaurant. It is a pretty good job but it's a lot of work. How can I continue to be a chef but do less work or even no work? The restaurant is at a ski lodge and all the employees live in the building. If that helps it doesn't. And that's from Sam who isn't even trying to cloak their shit. Sam are you here? Got the night off huh Sam?

Sam might I make a suggestion for a new hire a new sous chef grub hub. I love this. Interesting. How would that work? Basically it's like what would you like a hamburger? Okay cool and then you pull out an iPad and you order it and say I think it'll be here in like I don't know 30 minutes. I need your credit card information. Here's what you do you get the iPad and where it says grub hub you tape over it that says restaurant menu or menu for restaurant if it's a really fancy place and then you just say like here's our menu we have everything and it'll be here soon and at different times and it bags and sometimes not all of it in fact almost every time not all of it and don't order a drink because the ice will be melted yeah it says here you do

awesome blossom and blooming onions so fuck yeah we do yeah we do it's like I said it's a cool restaurant yeah you could also change the hours of your restaurant to be like you're only open from like 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. and like 3 p.m. to 3 30 p.m. yeah and then close and then you won't have to work ever again yeah your restaurant will have shuttered uh you could reach sort of like Jiro's status from Jiro James of sushi and turn your restaurant into just one counter with six chairs in it and you're like yeah that's right it's me Sam I'm so good would you like the awesome blossom I maybe you saw it on netflix's new good cooking show no rules just no rules just right you could do there's a donut store in uh in Cincinnati where I live where every morning

before they open they make a fixed amount of donuts and then when they have sold all the donuts they close yeah which is as far as I know a bad business model yeah because it means that supply and demand demand was high and supply was not enough well you could I'm pretty sure that's bad business the alternative though to that so what you just described Travis is that one they in the day with a lot of donuts they throw in the trash or two they stay open when they're out of donuts that seems that seems ridiculous I don't know why I'll use for the next day we are there shortcuts you could take with your mise en place uh that you could just sort of convince the diner is cool and right like I'm thinking like you serve your dish to the diner

and you say oh fish bones are super in right now it's rustic it's rustic we just leave them bones right oh you wanted your trout cooked at all okay caveman right this is kind of my take on a salad it's a bit deconstructed it's a head of lettuce and a whole tomato oh you're still in a kroger bag you're still eating sauce we're kind of casual acquaintances with chef Mike is the is the chef for mcdonald's and he I don't know why Mike started tweeting at me specifically um yeah I could I can't fucking imagine man but uh you could do like chef Mike does and just like make something once and be like mmm good everybody make it just like that from now on this is a big mac too it's a sequel I made up I cooked

it once everybody else do this I'm going home see you in my work day uh how'd inventor I have a we got so many good yahoo's in the past couple days a lot of them it don't give us much of a runway for goofs but I love them so much and instead of having eight closers at the end of each show I've started to do yahoo juniors so here's here's a yahoo junior uh jack sent this one in thank you jack it's an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm gonna call uh bonobos because there's an ad for it on my screen who asks what kind of facial hair is good for a writer slash poet any anything that's long enough that you can dip it in the ink oh travis I was just about to say the exact same thing damn it now I don't have any jokes for the podcast you stole the obvious one

where they dip their facial hair in ink like a quill what how about you just cut your uh beard into the shape of some of your favorite letters like a basketball number shape to the back of your hands that is just like a in your cheek uh here's a uh here's a big boy yahoo this one is sent in by Sean thank you Sean it's anonymous or no they have a name but it's the inner the wi-fi just won't give it to me so I'm gonna call them uh Bezos because here he is in another ad for time oh no this is news oh it's having a is he okay he's just he's having a rough some marital trouble so just why are you laughing that's america's billionaire Jeff Bezos

if we play it cool he might give us something he did the internet bookstore where we get our books uh Bezos asks would you ever betray your soccer team to impress someone or for any other reason if if so give me the reasons I think the only reason I would betray my soccer team is if there was someone on the other team that I was crushing on yeah yeah and I thought oh they're looking if if I were like an open mat yeah they have those shirt yeah and I scored and like oh they'll be angry but maybe if I let them win the big game they'll be so happy but no because they'd want to see your fire your passion no but that's the thing I'll tell them now what's kept us apart

is my fire and passion my inability to bend and put their needs in front of my own yeah they want a real quitter I just need to see that you can't follow through on something I'm thinking soccer has a thing called own goal soccer may be the most sabotageable sport if you really put your back into it you can make it like it's 104 to zero what the fuck is going on out there that is that is true because with soccer the ball could like maybe bounce off of the goal and roll back the other way and accident it's really hard to accidentally score a basket on yourself like oh it bounced off the backboard and across the whole court right into the other basket with baseball you would need to hit it so hard it went around the earth yes and then came back around

in the next inning and then went over the hockey you could fight your own players like oh shit man it happened again I'm sorry with these masks on it's like who knows oh we're in blue okay the everything about how in baseball it's got me thinking about sports a lot love sports um and you were thinking about in baseball they have a statistic for how many times you fuck up like it's a stat called error and it means you fucked up and we wrote it down and there's a number that we associate with your god I'm glad that's not like a real life feature it's a big count oh macaroos up to the wow this guy has errors out the wazoo they didn't even give it like a euphemism it's no error error that was the wrong at baseball

you did the wrong baseball that time friend oh you got the golden glove for no goof-a-mups uh yeah Joseph McRoy uh he goes back to the catch oh that's another bad he did he did a bad job you know the secret is to betray your soccer team but not let them know that they've been betrayed you go you here's the thing you leave your carton your um cooler of little debbies and hug juices whoa over on the other team I haven't played soccer since elementary school so no they do that in the pros too yeah you leave it over there then when you go to fetch one you just trip and you're like oh no all my tiny rolled up scrolls right yeah and then on one of them your accomplice that the other team looks to him and on one of them is written a coded phrase

and when they decode it it says we're gonna try to kick the ball into your goal more times then you kick it into ours so then their their minds in the right place they know exact every move you try there will be a point in the game where it looks like I'm trying to take the ball downfield but then I'm gonna kick it to somebody else and they're gonna do the sometimes you'll guys will have the ball and we'll try to get it with our feet you hear that guys the note just says I won't be using my hands we have a secret weapon one of our people can use their hands you'll never guess which one uh here's another question my dad works oh I think they're talking about being a fan of a soccer team

dad gone some of these folks really like their soccer teams there's three pages of answers why can't we say the word bollocks I think that should be everyone's takeaway for the evening what um we take everything else certainly we could just take that too right um so can I read the next question please okay my dad works at a small company that manufactures meat thermometers it's actually a pretty cool product I've seen it used by Antony on Queer Eye presumably to measure the temperature of an avocado yes but my dad in this season he stepped

up the I'm not gonna stand for that it's a new it's a new Antony season season this time we showed how to make the toast that goes with the avocado but my dad hateful my dad has become borderline obsessed two years ago for Chris's Eve he gave us all key chain size the meat thermometers now when we go out to restaurants he has a habit of interrogating the wait staff about the kitchen's meat cooking methods even though he always orders salads how do I make him understand that there are better times to promote his product than when I'm just trying to order chicken piccata that's from the sins of the father in Salt Lake City are you wait are you here

yes yes okay yes did you bring us one who need thermometers I guess my first question is a key chain meat thermometer for when yeah when does that come on well I have a key chain bottle opener so I can see it having some sort of like outdoor grilling party at like use but it I don't have to wash my key chain every time I use it I don't have to wash my bottle opener every time I use it if you're dunking before and after before and after if I'm dunking my fucking keys into a piece of raw chicken hopefully it's not raw that's raw though certainly not raw listen I've had E coli more than once he's that g coli I've had yeah I've had f coli I mean I need me one of these

when when your dad this is how I assume that the conversation in the restaurant goes like oh I just saw you brought a steak out oh yeah that's our primary I'm not I'm just wondering are you sure it's done uh yeah yeah are you sure huh well now that you mentioned it no damn I was so ready to dunk on your dad but I really have had E coli a couple times and I I'm thinking about it and I know that you're not supposed to like over grill like a burger for instance but I had a ham to burger today at our hotel and I asked for it medium and I bit into it and it was the good pink color inside that you want it to be sometimes but that still had that part of me that's like I'm not a shit I don't know how pink is tubing if I could have had a small apparatus

that I just had in my wallet or something and it's not just for measuring your consumable meat if you have a friend it's like well I'm not feeling very good you just be like well hold on a second roll up your sleeve job would you 98.6 looks okay to me yeah and would you say that you're undercooked though yeah raw would you say your arm is similar to a pork loin hey ma'am well done I'm called for here's the thing I would say your dad sounds like a closer to me yeah that's how you govern being a small meat thermometer business yes to a successful large meat thermometer business well the the meat thermometers would still be small let's not get it twisted because it is key chain size he could go and he'd go on Shark Tank and when they're he's like doing his pitch he can

be like I've annoyed over 30 apple bees yes I'm the man you've heard about from the stories of apple bees employees lost cruises apple bees I've annoyed them Urbana apple bees both yes they hate my guts I've been banned from several apple bees I have a yahoo junior here that was sent in by Riley thank you Riley it's from oh I got it yahoo answers user Trouble Gum who asks is it safe for me to lick my Himalayan salt lamp every now and then every now and then yeah more than that though and you don't have a lamp anymore that's a good point my Himalayan salt lamp is freaking delicious better than table salt I give it a lick every now and then maybe once a day or two and it is the most gratifying taste why are you a deer

would there be any trace minerals in it that could harm me or actually improve my health I can answer the second one and it's no well well my allergies and eczema have vanished the air stays cool dry and comfortable what because you licked the lamp sounds like you're adding some minerals to it also can I can I lick you sounds like you've got choice minerals it is weird to say it is more delicious than table salt unless you are just licking table salt by itself as well uh somebody does point out you can buy Himalayan pink salt and that just buying salt lamps is not a very cost effective way of doing it then sprinkle it on the light bulb it would almost be yeah eating that would almost be better than eating one with

wires in it if you think about it um here's a here's a big yahoo from Peyton thanks Peyton it's yahoo answers users spike who asks why do people think my fighting stance is weak this is the best first sentence I have three weak points on my body my nose my jaw and my stomach and my crack my neck my back my solar plexus yeah my right fist my regular my right fist is in front of my nose my left fist is in front of my jaw and I keep my chin low so I'm looking through my eyebrow well that's nothing like I'm a carrot like I'm a character and fall out three who's just like clipping bugged out I have a slight bend in my knees to hunch my stomach can one of you like

yeah I'll do it start at the beginning we'll probably cut this out so this is just for you guys hold on demonstrate your weak points your nose jaw and stomach yes nose jaw stomach thank you my right fist is in front of my nose my left hand's on blue my left fist is in front of my jaw and I keep my chin low so I'm looking through my eyebrows I have a I have a slight bend in my knees to hunch my stomach back bend the knees though keep them bent you gotta bend those knees and I bob and weave my head back and forth to be ready for a dodge and counter I bob and weave my head back and forth to be ready for a dodge and counter

the only part of my skull the only part of my skull that is exposed and hard enough is hard enough to break your hand hell we headbutt for a reason right that's all Justin thank you there's there's more there's more to the question but that's all the demo we need in my mind this is the perfect stance but for some reason when I show this stance my friends think I can't fight seeing it I can't imagine now we are full grown adults but we don't dare find out it could get ugly fast and tbh I don't have much fighting experience so I'm just hoping to get perspective from fighters is my stance actually bad or are they playing mind games because I kind of let them mess with me a little bit because they're my buddies

sometimes I want to kick someone's ass just to prove I could other times I'm not sure I can I've always had the perfect demeanor in life to avoid all conflict never the victim and never the instigator something about me makes people not want to test me but I sure as shoot don't test anyone either so I just avoided so much fighting by simply not having to it's a strange feeling to not know where I stand the Kelsey grammar autobiography is so much weirder than you think it's gonna be I is it possible that your friends don't think your physical stance is weak but rather your metaphysical stance on fighting yeah I don't know I don't want to test you weak I've never been in a traditional fight but if the only part of me you can hit is the top of my skull

I'm basically an ankylosaurus at that point yeah you're just you're just getting my my plating at that you know here's the thing though I feel like saying I only have three weak points is a strong stance when I'm thinking about my own body and I can list up at least 27 yeah like I'm too high on the earth and I feel weak Travis has altitude poisoning like that that I woke up bad from sleeping and I guess yes I have inside weak points that sometimes I eat some angel hair pasta for the cheesecake factory and then I spend a whole live show thinking about how excited I am to poop as soon as it's over uh how did how did it no one of my big weak points is um time yeah just my physical yeah time I'll get you is he I like that we can all agree this person's never

been in a fight yes yes correct I want to know who we headbutt for a reason is referring to a team he's on maybe a club I like humans in general humans in general headbutt for a reason I don't know this is a answer a response from yahoo answers user all hat who says best way to learn about that is to enroll in a boxing gym or karate school uh there of course you actually do spar and it's legal and so forth I love that because I would I'm this person and I show up to karate school and I say well you think about this and then they're like and they're like it's bad and nothing and you could say thanks for the lessons you know what I'll come back when I have something better when you do it

griffin it kind of looks like you're playing like air saxophone it did a little bit I felt that way yahoo answer you know all about that is big jazz fans yes sure we we we are in your airport and there is a room labeled jazz room and travis is we're walking past that said it's all about the rooms you don't go into it's a very good joke asshole jenna take it jenna jenna jazz it jazz it up for us then just a good idea you guys love jazz that's pretty good jazz right uh I want a munch

I want a munch welcome to munch squad it's a podcast within a podcast that covers the latest and greatest in brand eating uh this week we have a big story for you heinz cream egg mayo wasn't an april fool you can try it for yourself cream egg cadbury cream egg mayonnaise because I was about to say mayonnaise is technically a kind of creamy egg substance we were a little wary when this story comes to us from uh mack sure what day was it posted uh april third fuck yes this is right this is happening we were a little wary when we first

heard cadbury cream egg mayonnaise was a thing I can't imagine why yeah a little wary you've been dulled by the past few years I think mainly because it was announced close to April Fool's day and it wouldn't be the first time this product was announced as an april fool but actually the news is true we regret to inform you we regret to inform you that this day that will live in infamy your loved ones close uh near my god to thee the creamy kind of it does exist you can actually try it heinz and cadbury have partnered in hell to create this it's called the heinz seriously good cadbury cream egg mayonnaise fuck yes what's up we're coca-cola we made a broccoli flavor we called it seriously it's good

uh try it once coward this unusual concoction is going to be available for a limited time thank christ at a unique heinz x cadbury cream egg installation which is a bad place at the truman brewery in london sadly from uh april eleventh through the thirteenth gotta buy some playing tickets there's a caption the caption of the photo says the mayonnaise which was is a pot of mayo mixed with pieces of cream egg hold on it's a cadbury aioli i can't believe they've they'd give away the the yuck juice family secret like that a lot the next sentence from this publication is wild though we're pleased that this isn't an april fool why we're not sure it will taste all that nice god haddy that is the most generous sentence i've

ever heard in the english language and what a weird swing of a sentence of like we're glad it's real but also eugh gross i know people are always talking about uh ethics and condiment review blogs but it's that kind of like sticking it to the man that i really appreciate on the launch martina davis who is the brand manager for heinz seriously good mayonnaise said oh what a short time career yeah and and i just bought a house and war criminal she said uh we have had so much fun creating this unique cream egg mayo because we're sadists uh for easter with our friends over at cadbury we absolutely cannot wait for people to try it the um the photo that they've distributed here is uh the tub of heinz seriously good cream egg mayonnaise with a little cadbury cream egg

leaning next to it in a jaunty fashion and then behind in the back blurred out out of focus is a jar of good old fashioned good mayonnaise and it's got a real egg leaning against it as if to say like you know eggs they both got eggs it almost looks like the the wayward boyfriend meme and he's like looking at the cadbury cream egg like oh it's except they're both it's like that photo except if everyone and it was vomiting yeah um the quote from martina continues it's unlike anything you've ever tasted before i should sure the fuck hope so uh a true it's a true taste sensation if everyone loves it as much as they do then who knows we might have to roll it out nationwide one day don't fucking threaten me please don't like it as much as we do it says

and then it says i swear god it says watch this space so i'm assuming that martina just spread her butt cheeks at that point uh rafael capitani the brand manager for cadbury cream egg added fuck if i know right anyway uh no uh rafael says product you only think about once a year anyways yeah we're so excited to announce that our hinds seriously good cadbury cream egg may a collaboration is actually happening and we can't wait for people to try it for themselves because we're fucked up and nasty to the max it says here we're looking forward to seeing cream egg and hinds fans head down to the installation to taste this deliciously gooey sprint oh god oh god i can taste it now you know what i will say it is evocative writing

i will say anyway that's that's this week's munch squad hey everybody this is griffin i'm going to do the ads myself uh because everybody's kind of scrambling right now we're about to kick off the become the monster tour 2019 coming for you cleveland gonna gonna just eat you up and so i'm gonna do the sponsorships uh sorry about the the audio quality of this one uh i tried to tweak the the knobs and the dials that i have on the big switch board that i have in my production studio that the doobie brothers let me use sometimes and i did my best anyway square space has given us a sponsorship and i'm gonna tell you all about them starting right now have you ever heard of square space they're the ones who make you do websites

they're the ones who give you the tools to do websites that's better uh they have all kinds of very handy stuff like uh i don't know man they got like templates they got these templates they were made by world-class designers so you know that they're not shit and then they also have powerful e-commerce functionality dollars and cents makes the world go around and they also have 24 7 ward winning customer support so they basically have everything that you need to make a very successful website um not uh a pets.com that one is gone that website died but a very good website pets.com too maybe even if you wanted to so go to square space.com slash my brother and get a free trial when you're ready to launch use the offer code my brother and you'll save 10%

off your first purchase of a website or a domain get out there pets.com too is waiting for you i'm also going to tell you about me undies me undies has a very exciting scientific development they've been working on in their underground underwear lab um and they do horrible experiments down there horrible horrible experiments and involving elastic and somebody gets that they did super elastic because they were like our um fabric is super soft so let's do uh you know maybe even a tighter elastic band when you know it someone got cut right in half i don't approve of that but if it gets us this new development which is boxer briefs with a fly using the same micromodal fabric that's three times softer than cotton it's a life-changing revelation i don't have to pull my

you know my pants all the way down to my ankles whenever i have to pee in a public urinal and that's what i've had to do traditionally and there's people who say griffin you don't have to pull them all the way down and i said yeah dribble on these Levi's i don't think so um and but now i know that that's wrong you can get 15 off your first pair of me undies you gotta get these boxer briefs ones uh you can get free shipping and a 100 satisfaction guarantee go to meundies.com slash my brother that's meundies.com slash my brother uh i'm gonna let you get back to it if uh if you haven't looked at uh our tour the become the monster tour go check it out macroi.family see if we're coming to a city near you near you uh actually about half our shows have sold out at

this point uh there's still plenty available for uh Cleveland and Cincinnati which are this week so if you live in the Ohio area come say hi and i think that's it enjoy the rest of the episode bye. Hey i'm Janet Varney and like many of you some more recent than others i used to be a teenager in fact just about all of my friends were too including wonderful women like Allison Brie. I'm dead center on the balance beam and this is like a big gym all the kids parents are there watching i have to stop like you know when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move and then i just go i just pee right in the middle of the high balance beam so join me every week on the jvclub podcast where i speak with complicated funny messy humans as we reminisce about our

adolescences and how they led us to becoming who we are find it every thursday on maximum fun yes hello howdy hey what's up who are you what's your name who are you you said my name man i just called like four people who's your what's your name elie hello elie elie you're leaning on the door this is such a chill vibe yeah oh believe me i'm incredibly nervous okay good uh your question do you need a reminder of what your prompt was uh no i think i know it okay you can read it if you want someone else knows it uh your prompt what your teaser is and it was we struggled with it but we couldn't not know more was if i made you guys a knife would you accept it and we want to walk through this with you all right so i make knives as a hobby cool and you

guys want one not necessarily the fertile once you've made a sale stop selling the answer is yes obviously sweet cool good talk all right elie now wait wait wait hold on what first off holy shit paul really but this is the strongest drink i've ever tasted in my life in salt lake city yeah okay it might be the strongest drink that exists in salt lake city okay elie are we talking about cooking knives are we talking about stabbing knives are we talking about larping knives uh whenever you want bean would sell a stabbing knife depends on what you guys want cool knives to order you really put me on the spot um i mean how would here's the question

what's the delivery process gonna look like thank you because if the answer is into your torso then then hard pass um if you want me to stab you i mean no i don't no i knew you i would say that yeah i got shit to do tomorrow oh my bad i would like a like a really tiny knife all right oh fun look at my daughter i'm sentimental i'm being careful here really like because one time during a live show to be funny we said that someone should mail their uh decommissioned hand grades the hand grenades to us and they did yeah we got those and then they did and i threw them in the trash because it sucked no you are coward sir also also one time during uh taz i yelled uh does anybody have a pin and people started throwing pins at me from the

audience so obviously in this scenario that would be a knife bad and less than ideal so i guess thank you for the knives in advance i have so many more questions can it be made out of a cool sort of substance and not just necessarily metal no uh do you forge them do forge them yes i do actually okay sick how sharp we talking uh my first one wasn't that sharp but i can make them sharper but which which wait are you wait wait no no no no stop i don't want your second knife are you telling you make knives as a hobby and so far your tally is one uh and it wasn't that sharp that's called this shitty spoon elie no no no hey don't step on elie streams how many knives have you made elie uh one all right

you don't make knives as a hobby you make knife as a hobby no no no listen i mean i plan on making more i'm i'm jealous plan on making more i'm jealous of your hobby it's very cool and very i like watching a good knife getting made on youtube and that's not a joke i have weird algorithms now alex steel i watched a facebook video today about a new kind of cement mixer that's where i'm at um i don't want your second knife elie i'll make more and then i'll send them i want your 20th knife all right i want you to stick with it stick with it never give up chase your dream get boutique on this shit and send me your 20th knife you know we we're making we're giving elie a hard time but not i'm sitting i want you to chase your dreams we wouldn't blow up luke skywalker this way right

like this is only my first life save right there doesn't i don't know make that one like you didn't even pick the fucking kyber crystals he was just like well i'll take my dad's i guess anyway elie does that help yes thank you elie i look forward to receiving your 20th knife excellent work elie excellent work house left what's up hello hello what's your name camera in camera in now you go dean uh the prompt that camera provided was how do i parentheses non-lethally a good start booby trap my kitchen all right so here's the story behind it so i have five other roommates including me well

i'm the sixth so i have five roommates do you live in terrace house i live in a college house okay um and we share one kitchen and so at the beginning of the year we divvied up all of the drawers and cabinets and everything and i have my cabinets and they have their cabinets uh-huh my cabinets go the stuff in there goes missing a lot even though i said hey can you keep my stuff in my cabinets so my question to you is how do i non-lethally booby trap i got that much yeah all of mine yeah maybe rather than physical harm because that's bad what about emotional harm hear me out hear me out hear me out they open the cabinet you've installed a mirror and just you've written on it look at yourself yeah

or you may have to really live with what they're doing or under your under your package of ciabatta bread you've stuck a picture of you like holding your tummy like so hungry i did something to that vein i i took my silverware out of the drawer and i put a piece of paper in there that said i know you're taking my stuff stop nice and that didn't that didn't work so yeah that seems no no no because if i saw that i would feel like well now i'm going to become like more of a gentleman civil rarity yeah it's more of a challenge but if you just said like oh here's what you do put up the silverware back and say you must need this more than i do oh yeah gil oh very good now you're like the priest from lame is oh take my loaf of bread valjean take my half empty mustard uh camera

and i got some but you forgot the half empty ketchup um i got something you could try so here's what you're gonna do you're gonna go into your fridge and get yourself a little jar of jelly and then you're gonna go to half of the handle and you're gonna absolutely fucking code it in jelly just half and now it's important to come up with some sort of mnemonic device like cameron has an r in it an r is the first letter of right and i can grab the right side of the handle because there's no jelly on it and then they go for it full meaty paw grab oops sticky fingers yeah because of the jelly i put on it idiot and this important cameron that you be in the kitchen all the time yeah because this is an easily wipe awayable sort of trap so you need to

be ready if they do that you have to throw the jelly at them yeah they can't come away unjellied from the experience yes right so important does that help yes it does thank you cameron good excellent let's should we queue up one more yes uh let's get sydney e uh row e i guess 10 five i that may mean you're up on the balcony okay okay it worked sydney uh hello hello what's your name i'm grace hi grace is leading in the door frame even more casual so many casual then he likes if grace is waiting for an informant yes what's your question grace tells the truth about richard dixon okay uh grace your question the prompt how do i assert my dominance at the home depot what do you got grace tell us more uh i am an electrician that is my day job

holy shit how many electricians are in the house tonight yeah so often i have to go to you know home deeper lows and pick up random parts because men don't know how to order things sure am i right oh you're right i i'm wrong actually i don't know where to get like a switch true uh the electrical aisle yeah that'd be a good place to start probably yeah when i moved into my house i discovered that there was a light fixture that was just always on and so i went to the home depot and i bought all the pieces to make a switch and that was a year and a half ago and still on yeah travis's house is a motel six essentially is what he said you probably just have your switch leg and your constant hot mixed up uh you can ask somebody about that if i did that's the

realization i came to as i thought he would pass away yeah the ability to do it uh so what's your question well my problem is i am sadly very adorable so right i i saw yes when i am in the home depot it is very hard for people to just let me be and get my things yes how do i assert that i am the boss of the trade goods do you know here here's what i would suggest if somebody comes up to you and they're really patronizing without saying a word just rewire the whole store it's good usually i just smile maintaining constant eye contact yeah just raise your hand like and all the lights go out i i have this crystallized memory in my mind uh at my old house the first house i owned it

needed some work and one of the things it needed to work with is that like the drippings that came out of the ac unit upstairs uh the previous owners had to come down some pvc piping into a sink in the garage just a plastic sink in the garage that emptied out into nothing it emptied out onto the floor which we for a long time just put a cooler under that we had to dump out every two days but then i was like i'm gonna figure this shit out i'm gonna get some pvc pipe i'm gonna figure out how to cut it and make a thing and so i went to the home depot and i was like uh it took me 20 minutes to fire the pvc lives and i looked at all of the wonderful sprockets and joints as just employee after employee just looked at me and said he knows what to do and that's never

been true when i'm at uh home depot or lows or what have you i have always adopted the most helpless look possible yeah i cannot get assist i'm wandering around with my hands in the air like help me i literally crawl on my hands and knees like a baby i supplicate myself in front of the vest wearers hoping that one of them will shine their light on me uh can you wear a shirt says my name is gray some crazy about wires or uh clothes that you've made out of lights and wires and robot parts and you walk in and you be like that's very good that's for christmas yes yes can you dress in more of a steampunk fashion that says i know about technology i mean that all probably help could you no actually i don't i usually just make eye contact and make a point

to not smile that's that's good that's off yeah that's good a lot of social situations i feel like it sounds like you're better at intimidating people than we are absolutely yeah we'll come to you advice we'll come to you for advice the next time that we need we need to you'll also make eye contact yeah yeah with a person no are you sure maybe with a dog on a good day uh does that help tremendously that's okay thank you oh yeah over here let's yes you've been waiting for a long time hello what's what's up what's your name uh my name is jared just making sure jared jared i just want i want you to know i saw that when we complimented grace on standing cool in the doorway i watched jared go

oh even cooler this is the jared is the most chill position jared jared's at about 55 degrees yeah he's doing the uh the the thing from smooth criminal where they've nailed his shoes to the ground jared jared what's up not much guys cool cool good hang griffin your prompt was how can i stop being a picky eater and i just really want to dial into this because so what do you eat hey frontier buddy what are you into you know i do like a lot of foods there's like some specific foods that like just i can't handle and then roll out sort of like a lot of meals for me that doesn't sound like a picky eater that sounds like every one no no no no no no no give us some of the category unless that pickiness is like grain well that's gary and meat and anything

that casts a shadow i am get get right up on that microphone jared what's what's your faves my favorite foods or the more fearful what are some of your favorite things okay um how do you feel about raindrops on rocks okay okay all right we're gonna let jared talk jared what don't i just my question ignore them what don't you like soups that's okay come on you lost me already beans uh tomatoes tomatoes onions okay uh i feel like my fiance could tell me a lot of things i will say seafood seafood is so broad though that's so many things you know the ocean very large covers most of the world any other big ones uh broccoli a lot of vegetables yeah so when you said some foods you meant most yeah a lot of things you don't like here's the thing i'm with

you on soup what a waste what a way salty water gross soup is a drink oh no i like them i expect my wife to just repel on to the stage like is somebody talking shit about soup except for a real chunky soup or a stew oh all right oh fuck with a stew stop everyone be quiet that was the weirdest experience in my life it sounded like an exact clump of 30 people yeah like a when travis said stew there were like like a club like there's like a stew club okay there's like 20 people you're sitting together that loves stew what's happening are you in a really specific club all right the stew crew very good Travis very good one time uh a very long time ago there was an episode biggest loser where there was a boy on it named bingo and he had two eyes in his name

and bingo his mom wanted him to eat vegetables so she blended them up and like shoved them into like meatloaf and hid them like a secret and then he ate it and he hates vegetables so bad and then she was like well bingo bingo guess what you just ate a bunch of vegetables i hid in there and this 10 year old boy looked up at his mom and went and she was like didn't it taste good and he said don't ever do that again so you could try that just blend them on up but then shit then it's soup one when i was a kid uh my mom told me this fish was chicken all right yeah i'm into it were you eating it like long john silvers because that confuses me too sometimes there's lots of

food i feel like if there's like even if you don't like half of food the other half is still like pretty good a lot yeah i'm alive to this point so yeah sure uh you know life is short eat what you like everybody has a salad point jared everybody has a salad point and that's the point at which you're hungry enough to eat salad and my my problem a lot of time is i wouldn't let myself get to salad point you know what i mean i'd get to like hamburger point or cereal point but i wouldn't let myself get to salad point and then one day his arm got pinned between a rock and a mountain face and i after 128 hours i would eat a salad yeah if he would free me from he was trying to cut his arm off with a bowl full of salad and he was like i don't eat it um does that help

kind of yeah thank you jared but i'll take it tough but fair all right our final our final audience question hello hello what is your name sydney sydney hello what is your question so i'm an actor and i have recently branched into narrating audiobooks cool as part of the hustle and um i've been mostly doing YA fantasy dystopian novels and that's been great but i've been all of them all of them all of the books and i've started to be approached by authors of erotica novels who nice pay a lot of freaking money cool yeah and i'm totally fine with doing it here do you have a question my question is is if i'm an actor auditioning for a shakespeare festival i don't want the director to google my name and say diddling the duke by sydney fulmer so i need a

pseudonym yeah i'm wondering if you guys would help me out that is a that is a tough line of work i want to help but my friend chuck tingle i don't once read um the book slammed in the butt by my handsome laundry detergent pod and um to my wife i read it to my wife i should have mentioned that earlier that's that's tough uh but fun so i envy you and i guess this is my way of saying what about mod horny that's pretty good my top one right now is anita dixon okay yeah i mean that's a little you know here here's what i'll say sydney is i think we've all kind of been in this position like you know i'd love to be an actor but i'm worried that a potential director would google me and found out i did a dumb podcast with my brothers yeah which is i would say in a lot of ways worse

yeah yeah or that is tv show only less than six episodes yeah so far yeah who knows don't torture yourselves no that's nothing it's weird i have the opposite situation where i am widely known as a narrator for sexual audiobooks but i don't want fans of that work to know that i do a podcast with my brothers which is why my real name is jeremy badbone wait hold on that would be the worst erotic pin it bad bone it's just my fucking name dude and my thing is i don't want people to know that i'm related to the guy that eats amoebas for sexual gratification it's my fault true i want to end on that joke does that help yes thank you okay cool it was you have a very skewed

view of what i do as my fucking artist we can bring the house lights back yes thank you so much salt lake city for being so fun and welcoming and kind uh you're the best make them go away please they're terrifying me um i'm just gonna close my eyes until they're gone because i'm getting real freaked out thank you for coming to the show we really appreciate you uh thank you to uh paul so please turn off the house lights please not do anything paul saborn over there on the ones in town make sure you check out mix master paul we call him makes master paul paul and storm is his band go listen to all their music it's on spotify so you can get it for free you're welcome paul thank you to uh saubones and schmaners who crushed it

thank you to our uh our dad our dad and our daddy um um thank you uh thank you to amanda and alice yeah for helping us out and thank you to this beautiful venue whose name we would certainly goof up if we tried to say it out loud so everyone count of one two three thank you that's it you got it i guess you live here also uh thank you kayland cleveland for the absolutely beautiful post wonderful posters there may be some more than a lot there may still be some more um thank you to john rodrick and the long winters for these for our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed yes thank you maximum fun dot org our podcast home uh we are we're not gonna be hanging out after the show because we are

going to go home to our fam well our back to the hotel where our families are um yes i know because we love them we do and people and we're tired we love you too but in a different way yeah so we seriously we've never we had no idea what to expect playing here because we've never played here before and you all have seriously been amazing thank you all so much thank you here is here is a final yahoo that was sent in by alaina thank you alaina it's yahoo answers user richard d who asks is long john silvers generally a good fish experience i'm travis i'm gripping mackerel my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

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