My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 460: Dr. Praetorium’s Fudge-a-matorium

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

Today’s episode is ALL about dad-hacks, which is to say, how to hack your dad and make him buy you AS MANY expensive fish tanks as you want. We won’t lie: It’s not gonna be easy. But when you’ve got your hands on one of these big, aquatic beauties, you’ll know it was all worth it. Suggested talking points: We The Fans, Fungus Medicine Theft, Authentic Egg Stink, Ancient Chocolates, The Earl of Earl of Sandwich, Travis Tritt’s Fish n’ Shits, Anarchist Ellen

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother by Brother, being an advice show for the Modular, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy. And my name is Griffin McElroy, the youngest of the three brothers.

I'm so excited to be here because I've been dying to ask somebody a question about Game of Thrones, and I think you guys watched it, right? Oh, yeah. I actually, you know I'm very vocal on Facebook about how I don't watch it because of, you know, I don't like, I don't go so much for fantasy except for the fantasies of babes I have when I lift so much weights at the gym that I fall asleep. You can ask me any question, Travis, and the answer is going to be, we the fans have had enough. Okay, well, I stopped watching about, I think it was like halfway through season three. Oh, two and a half seasons too much, according to we the fans. So I need you to catch me up on what happened, but I don't want you to

spoil anything for anybody who is going to watch it. So if you could just get me from about the middle of season three to the end of the series without spoiling anything for the people at home, just sort of broad strokes. Yeah, just broad strokes for me. Okay, well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you this much, Trav. Uh-huh. For a song of ice and fire, there sure wasn't very much singing being done. Okay, that's why I'm going to let me write that. I'll slow down, I have to write it down. There were like 80 episodes or something in this piece of shit, and as far as I can remember, there was only like one scene with singing in it. So George, don't call it what you're going to call it. I would disagree with you there because he didn't call it songs of ice and fire. You said

there was one scene with singing. Ah, fuck, you're right. Fuck, you got me. All right, idiots. Here's the thing. Ed Sheeran in it. And he didn't sing, which is like his whole thing. Drummer from Cold Play in it. He was in it. Sigur Ross from Friends. Uh-huh. He's in it. Ross from Friends is in it. Sigur Ross from Friends. These problems for you? I've sort of lost the plot on where you're about to give it. Chris Stapleton is a country singer. He in it. Okay. Is that making you mad, though? I do not. Aaron Rodgers in it. So we the fans, do we like that or do we not like that? We the fans are fed up and we've had enough. This is my petition. It's an audio petition. Now, several hundred episodes in the making. Uh-huh. It is an audio petition that I am submitting

for Game of Thrones. To what? Do it again. To do the whole show again. To do it again? Like a reboot or just start all over? Yes, start all over with a fresh take. Some of the things will be the same. The cool shit. If you remember during my extensive, extensive Sardonic recap podcast, Lame of Thrones, and then in every episode in the, I call it the roundup, at the end of every episode, I'm like, okay, there was one fucking cool shit thing. Yeah. Those are the things that should remain the same. All of the things should change. Yeah. There were like three times throughout the series where a dude's skull just got fully fucking crushed by a big man's hands. So super cut that shit together. That's the series for

all the skull crushing. As I said earlier, I've been out of touch with the fans for a while now. Yeah. We the fans miss you, by the way. Oh, I'll come back. Is it that you, the fans, want it to be sillier or hell? Yeah. And fucking sexier and more ads. That's a main fucking problem. I can't even get up to use this shitter because this shit doesn't take a break. Oh, I thought you meant like native advertising. Obviously. I love these dragons as much as I love flaming hot Cheetos. They for sure already have the native advertising thing covered in real as Game of Thrones. So let's, I'll delete that joke. It's circle gets the square. It's a little two on the nose for my taste. What do you mean? There's a scene in Game of Thrones

where they're driving a Ford truck across the like icy wasteland? Well, no, this is just like, you know, the Starbucks cup was very. It wasn't from Starbucks. We the fans thought it was from Starbucks and then we the fans learned it's from a local coffee shop. And also my queen, Danny doesn't drink it. She drinks herbal tea. She gets to be in the reboot, but doing more cool shit. And she didn't have no powers. She couldn't get burnt up by dragons and she had dragons and that's good. Yeah, but she's gonna have powers in the new one. Bad ass. Which ones? Bad ass, dude. Fucking lasers, envies, psychic blasts, plasma blades. Yes. All of them, dude. She's got all

the powers. Yeah, she can give the powers to other people healing factor. All right, let's get so let's put some ink on the fucking page now, okay? Because episode one, these two brothers, sister, they're boinking big time. I would change that, by the way, I would make them not related. Yeah, that's shit nasty. Get that shit right out. I think it would be a lot more approachable if they were just like friends who were boned. It was so fucking gross that the people and so lazy and sloppy that the people, what Dunn wrote the book, George, I think the guy's name is, he didn't even realize that the same people he had screwing when the little boy went to the window to enjoy it with the same people he had screwing were also the brother and sister from earlier.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, that was sloppy writing. And my, my, my sympathies to the careers of the TV show because they had to abide by that garbage. It's like so embarrassing. I would also, in order, if I were going to rewrite the show, along with making it sillier, I would make all the sex that happens in it way more consensual. Yeah, for sure. That's good. I love that. Badass. That part's badass. So they're boinking on this tower, right? And they're boinking and they're not related. They're just like friends, but they shouldn't be boinking because they have other things going on. They're late for a dinner date and they're boinking and people are waiting for them because they

were supposed to meet a couple. Exactly. Yeah. So the boy grappling hooks up the tower and gets up in the window and is enjoying it. He's like, cool, cool, cool. I'm a boy. I've never, I'm a little boy. I've never seen this. And then the one of the couple goes over and kicks the boy so hard he goes flying out of the tower and keep that, keep that for sure. And for that scene, we're actually going to just use the 300 kick because they do in 300. So we'll just like literally take that footage. Every care, every character in the first episode, every character is given a coin. Yes. And they can use the coin eight times to do. To do a 300 kick. Yes. And they get no more. Yeah. Well, I have to make those eight

kicks for the entire season. Yeah. They can trade them to each other for nades and services. They can trade them to each other like in John Wick. They can trade. If you use up all your Spartan kicks, maybe you could maybe sit for your nephew and he'll give you one of his Spartan kicks. But those are the rules. I have one other small change. Well, just let me just say, can I, can I just, just the boy goes falling in and you're like, oh no, he's, he's dead. But then he comes up, he's on the roof of the DeLorean. Pretty bad accent. Oh, I love that. I love that. I was going to say Batman, but maybe Batman's driving the DeLorean. Yeah. With my queen and our queen, the fan's queen, uh, Daenerys Chirigan.

Yes. And also, I don't know, maybe, uh, Captain America's there. Maybe. Stop it. Now you're making jokes. Now you're making jokes at me. Okay. Let's just go back to where Batman was driving the DeLorean and he pulls up and Bran, I think that's the name of the kid. Bran Flakes opens the door of the DeLorean. But this time he doesn't hit, uh, he doesn't hit what's his face, uh, in that face. Like, he just says like, Hey, you accidentally kicked me off the tower. I could have died. Yeah. That was, I was just enjoying. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You know how I get when I'm born.

Yeah. When I'm born, I'm just flailing everywhere. Leg's a Kimbo. They waited a really long time to put dragons in it. So I'm going to have dragons in it from the beginning, except they can talk and use isolances. Cool. Yeah. And I think there's only like three dragons. I would make there be like 500, 600, maybe maybe more. 500, 600 dragons, and they reproduce at an uncontrollable rate. Yes. All the dragons are always pregnant in this one. Yeah. And they have to be hunted to keep the population down. And I'd like to introduce a thing where in the big throne room and the Red Keep,

which we're going to find a way cooler name for, something like Blood Castle Storm Mountain. Battle Gettin. Battle Gettin. What? Battle Gettin. Battle Gettin. Battle Gettin. Battle Gettin. Battle Gettin. Battle Gettin. The castle's called. Battle Gettin. Okay. The castle's called Battle Gettin. And then in the throne room, there's going to be like 16 thrones. And we'll have the cool, I guess we'll have the sword one, but that should play. But they'll be on caster wheels and you'll, the king, whatever gets to like push them and whoever wants to fight them can like push the, and then if your throne gets knocked over

or falls down the stairs, then it's out. Oh, I like that. I love that. Maybe we make the throne a little more comfortable. There would be a plush throne for sensitive bottoms. I also, and this is a little note, but I'd have the snake man beat the big rock man in that one fight. I didn't like that the snake man lost to the big rock man. But the Travis head got crushed and such a cool way. That's the one badass thing about this fucking cool thing that we will have. No, you're right. This one's got 16 thrones, but at the beginning there's 17 people. And then after every round, they remove one of the thrones. That's an important mechanic. Yeah. And if you, again, if you fall down the stairs and

that you get, oh, she'll are out. Sigur Ross plays and then eventually they stop playing. It could take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, but when they stop playing, everybody tries to get into a throne and then they after whoever doesn't have one is eliminated by blood. Yes. I love this. It's good, right? I guess we the people just need, and we the fans need, if HBO would just sign off on it or respond to our emails and tweets and tumblers and stuff. Oh, sorry. One more tiny note. I was going to say more wolves, but what if they're all wolves? What if they all have the ability? I thought, there's a second coin. There's a second coin. There's a second coin. Yes. There's a second

coin that allows you to transform into a werewolf 17 times. Yes. And you could all that's all you get for the whole TV show. Yes. So don't burn it one as a joke, unless it's going to be hysterical. Yeah. If it's a really good joke, maybe it's so funny. Also, I would like to be a character in it. Not. I would not like to play a character in it. Let me be clear. I Travis McRoy would like to be a character in it. Joe Mangelo plays Travis McRoy in Game of Thrones 2. They back. I want to be, I want to make a cameo. I wouldn't mind squashing Ed Sheeran's melon. Hey, listen to this. Hey, listen to this. Here's your poster right here. Here's the poster. There's 500 to 600 dragons. Ed Sheeran, Sigur Ros, Aaron Rodgers, all in armor, loving it. The one guy is beating the other guy,

but on the other side of the poster, it goes the way it did it originally. So both of them are depicted in the series. Both outcomes are depicted. Choose your own adventure. It's a little bit for everyone. Yeah, both of them happen in it, and they all win. And everybody wins in this one. And then at the bottom of the poster, it says, let the games begin. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, again. Yes. It's good, right? Let the games begin. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, again. Yes. Fuck. Yes. It's back. Let's do a question. Yeah, I'd love that. Thank you, Griffin. I'm sorry I got a little lost. I'm in the doctor's office waiting room. They just called my name, but someone else got up and went back. Oh, man, I can't imagine that.

Now it's been 20 minutes and I'm the only one left in the waiting room except an old woman who was parked by the nurse's door to yell at everyone who goes in before her. You don't look sick. Do I go tell them that they made a mistake? What if they're just busy? How long do I wait before I become the same as this old woman? I live here now, I suppose. That's from Darned and Dover. This feels like a piece of paper you find crammed between two stones in the doctor's office. That's so hard because it's really hard living in a society. We can all accept that it's a common theme of our program, but it's especially hard when it just, it very clearly broke down on

everyone. We can all agree that it broke down and I don't know how you get out of that. It's hard to admit to another person in the machine like, hey, the machine's broke and there's no recompense for that. There's no way out of it. This fear that I will infer here that you're feeling because I have felt this many times, this fear of walking up and say, oh, I think there's been a mistake. I think I was, and they're like, no, there's no mistake. You'll be back soon. Just sit back down. There's no doubt in my mind that it's 100% verbatim, tone and everything. That would sound like my brother. That's how sure I am. That is the exact response you would get. Just sit down. We're going to call you in a minute. You're like, oh, no, I have to go.

Because it's the doctor, right? If the doctor's like, we just let anybody back there and no matter what name we call, whatever, it's all bullshit. Like the next, like what else are they making up? Right? What else are they just like pulling out of their asses? Because you would think that if they called your name, it was like, Dan and somebody else went back and they weren't Dan, but that mistake would be found out pretty quickly. Are they getting all your fungus medicine? What if there's none left for you? Because they're eating it for fuel. Eating all your fungus medicine and smuggling it out in their bellies. Now, let me say this. The other side of this too is also that if someone calls Dan and someone's

like, well, I'm Jim, but yeah, you know what? I'm going. I'm Jim, but I'm in a hurry. I'm Jim in a hurry. A flip side, there are worse places to live now. There are worse places to live. If you have a whoopsy, uh-oh, you're very close to somebody who can patch that right up for you, I hope. And all the highlights, magazines you could read. All the highlights you can read. There's the goldfish probably, and then there's you have all those beads that you can push around on the little pipes. Gosh, those are freaking fun. The hospital Sid works at has killer bacon. Yeah. And apparently, uh, you have a new friend in a sounds like a very judgmental old woman. Yeah. Let's get there. Let's get there. Let's get to her.

Yeah. What is she doing? Yeah. You don't look sick. That sucks. Well, it might be a compliment. It might be like, Hey, I want you to know you probably feel really bad right now. And oh, thank God you came in to take care of yourself. I listen, I appreciate it. I'm sure all your loved ones appreciated. I want you to know in case you were worried about it, you don't look sick. You're not showing it. You look great. You look great. I hope you get better, because I understand that sometimes illness is invisible. And I hope I'm glad you've taken care of yourself. This old woman is great. Yeah, she's good. I have to, yeah, I'm gonna try this

one. Kick's ass. Did you think that maybe she was a bad egg maybe for a little bit? When you originally thought about it wrong? Yeah. You think that maybe she was kind of a bad egg? Yeah, like the pigeon lady in the Home Alone 2. You can't just start talking about Home Alone. But I'm just saying like when you first, because Kevin for a season, he's like, Oh no, she's a bad end. But then by the end, it's like, Oh no, she's actually very sweet. Right. At the end when she kills two men by throwing birch seed. Have a little question from Yahoo. I'd love that graph. Here's one sent in by Graham. Roboc. Thanks, Graham. It's no, I'm sorry. It's Yahoo answers user Sebastian. Sebastian asks how to make boiled eggs smell bad

quickly for school. Huh? I have to take care of a boiled egg for a week and I broke it. So now I'm trying to make another one and it needs to smell bad. So it's more believable. Why? For school. No, I understand. For school. But is the question asker saying, because I've had it for a week, it should smell like a week old boiled egg? Yes. Yes, Travis. I just wanted to make sure. I didn't even think that part was particularly complex or nuanced. So that, but that would imply that this question asker is afraid that when they turn in this fake boiled egg, this faux boiled egg, that the teacher is going to smell it. Yeah, your teacher is going to get that egg and be like, Oh, that's fine. You can put it in the trash.

We're keeping it not cracked unless unless the teacher is a nasty. Oh, give me that stink. Would you name your son? Yeah, it's Kenneth. Give me that stink, Kenneth. Give me that stinky egg. This one doesn't stink at all. No points. You know, now that Griffin said it, I cannot think of another reason that a teacher would think assigning you to take care of an egg for a week is anything. Yeah, you can do it in a hole in your yard and then dig him up one week later. Here he is. Safe and sound probably. I had to do it. Oh, yes. But what did it prove, Justin? It proved that I was ready to be a father. It is not. Can I say that is the object of the lesson, right? It's hard to be a parent.

Here's an egg to take care of. Can you imagine how hard this would be? One of the two things is going to happen. One is the kid's going to do a pretty good job and be like, I'm ready to be a dad. I'm a very responsible 15-year-old. That egg looks beautiful. I'm ready to be a dad. That's one option. The other one is like, the other problem with this is it is nothing like that. It's nothing like it. Because I could take an egg home and put it in my sock drawer, grab it a week later and turn it in and be like, yeah, I took it everywhere. It took care of it. But I can't do that with BB. Can't do it with them. Can't do it. Well, on the inverse, you could have a kid who drops their boiled egg and it explodes when it hits the ground.

And then a few years later, someone's like, you ever think about having kids? And it's like, well, no, because I know if I did have one, I would have dropped it and it would explode as soon as it hit the ground. Maybe if our kid wouldn't explode, we probably shouldn't drop them. Maybe taking care of an egg is harder than taking care of a baby. Okay, because babies can recover from a dropper tail. Yeah. I'm saying my baby is surprisingly tougher than an egg. There is also the problem of like, if you get really hungry while you're watching your child, it's probably not going to occur to you to scarf it. It probably won't think to scarf the child. And if you do, you face way stronger punishment than just like an F. So I guess while you're handing it to him,

do a quick burp or fart right on it. Here's what I would do. I would put it in vinegar overnight. The shell will, the acid of the vinegar is going to break down some of the shell. That's why we use vinegar when we're helping to color eggs, because they break down some of the proteins of the shell. So put it into vinegar, it's going to break down some of the shell and it's going to absorb some of that vinegar smell. And it's going to have a real gnarly stink on it, like a real rough stink. Are you worried that that might go the other way though, that when you turn it like, hey, I'm glad you, I guess, kept your baby alive, quote unquote. But also, why your baby stinks so bad? Yeah. If you have a stinky egg, that's out of your control.

That's true. Take it up with the chicken, my man. I don't know what to tell you. Ask the chicken stinky ass why it makes us bad eggs. I'm just playing with the cards I was dealt, chief. Yep. This is the chicken's ass, not mine. It's your nasty assignment, Devin. I'll see you fortnight later. Please, it's Mr. Pearson. I will see you on fortnight later, but please, it is Mr. Pearson at school. Fuck off, Devin. Okay, you're the boss. Another option is you can rub the egg up against your mama's feet. You just got scorch mode.

Boom. About three years ago, a colleague and I created a presentation for some high school students on behalf of the college where I work. The presentation involved handing out little pieces of dark chocolate. Nice. My then boss, who had a company credit card, bought the chocolate. We ended up with a lot left over, but I kept it in my office in case we ever did the presentation again. Well, now it's 2019 and I still have a bag of chocolate in my office that realistically is never going to be used. Neither my boss nor the other person involved in the project works here anymore. So no one else even knows they exist. The chocolates went unwrapped. How a thin dusty

whiteness to suggest they are past their prime. Yummy. I eat them occasionally. Should I stop and save them for a future use that might never come? That's from the cocoa monster in Canada. Holy shit. I love that. Holy shit. Should I stop? The reason is to save them for some future use and not that they're over three years old that they're molting. That white dust before anybody tweets it, I believe it's called bloom. And it's a thing that if you see it on there, it means you're not going to be able to temper that chocolate. It's not going to melt right. It's not going to temper well, but I don't think it means that it's bad. I mean, I bet it has a bad taste of it, the flavor to it. I mean, it seems like that part would be bad. And it seems like I don't know what

role the chocolate play in the presentation. Again, a vital piece of context. People, you have to tell us these things. We can't just guess, but I assume the chocolate was meant to be a positive, right? The chocolate, the chocolate in the presentation is a net reward, I would assume, and not a negative. Oh, you got it wrong. Eat this old ass dusty chocolate. Eat this old fucking baseball card chocolate. This foul chocolate. I do like this ambition scenario that we're like, you, you know, you surreptitiously scarf all the chocolate. And then like six months from now, your new boss is like, I remember when I traded over this job with the old boss, they handed me a file folder that has very important for it. And on one piece of paper,

it was just written, you know, Susan has the chocolate in case we ever do the presentation again. I know it's been four years, but Susan, I assume you still have that chocolate like a responsible employee. And then you have to deal with the ramifications. I, I think it, I, I think that unless someone tells me, this is for my life, unless someone specifically says to me, don't throw this away. I'm trying to throw shit away constantly all the time. I think it's completely valid. This idea that you would say like, oh, I threw that shit away years ago. What are you talking about? That's nonsense that you think I would still have that no way. Yeah, your office is in a chocolate storage company, is it?

Oh, wait, no, unless it is shit. Okay. So now we have a hustle on our hands. People are going to walk in there and be impressed about how long you've kept your chocolate in there. And they're going to be like, well, now I know a safe place to keep my chocolate. And they turn it over to you. And then all of a sudden, um, snack fest. And you know what, maybe that's how you get that big grace you've been angling for is when your boss comes in, it's like, we're probably going to have to spend money to buy chocolate again, because we're doing that pretty, uh, what a waste. And you're like, uh, no, actually, uh, step inside my, my Fujimitorium, why don't you? Dr. Pertorium's Fujimitorium step inside lick the walls. There's Choco stains all over. I see there's Choco

stains. Pretty much a fun brand name. It's pretty bad. The footage states guys, bad news. What? I ate all my bosses chocolate and I don't have the money to buy new stuff. Oh, let's buy some chocolate. If we're gonna buy chocolate, you might as well. Bad news criminals. Oh, yeah. Hey, all you criminals listening. I know you're like, I can look at macroi.family and click on tours and see when Travis is going to be out of town, but bad news for you because I have ring and it's going to let me know if you try to break into my house and then you're going to prison. Yeah. Also, I'm, I'm judge dread. It's also important to note and I've got a big dog and a little dog, but mostly the big dog is what matters here in this context. Uh, because here's the thing

I'm better than a dog. I'm judged. I'm just offended because I was like, I'm judge dread and I protect my brothers and you're like, but I've got a dog, but I have one. Yeah. In addition to brother judge dread, brother dread. Now I have a big dog. Anyways, ring helps you stay connected to your home anywhere in the world. Thanks to HD video and two way audio features on ring devices. It's one of my favorite things. If I'm somewhere and there's like, uh, someone rings my doorbell, which is a ring doorbell or just like somebody walks up in my door, not only do I get a notification from my phone that says, Hey, someone's at the door. Uh, but it also gives me a chance to see who came up. Even if I miss, uh, the notification, even if I miss, uh, the ringing of the doorbell

and I can talk. It's a two way communication. I can say, well, like, Oh, you can just leave that at the door or like, no, thank you or whatever. It's a great way to answer the door. Even when you're not at home, I am a huge fan of it. Uh, I highly recommend it. I, I, like I said, I have two. I have one on my front door and one on my back door. Um, and one in his Parisian villa and dreads all over that one too. So don't even fucking think about it. Yeah. I'm one of my zeppelin. Um, and if you want to check it out, as a listener, we have a special offer for you on a ring starter kit available right now with a video doorbell and motion activated floodlight cam. The starter kid has everything you need to start

building a ring of security around your home. Just go to ring.com. It's R I N G dot com slash my brother. That's ring.com slash my brother. Stitch Fix is the clothes one and they have decided to sport support us again. And so I get clothes from Stitch Fix. I get lots of them. Yeah, I get lots of them. They come in a box and, uh, they have a special person who has an eye out for me and they're in the box. They're in the box. They pick out my clothes and they ship themselves like a normal would do. And then, uh, I get the clothes and I try them on and if I like it, then I can keep it and they'll, you know, charge me whatever for it. And if I don't like it, just put it right back in the bag and then send that back for you charge. No, it is no skin off

my nose when Stitch Fix sends me the clothes. And so I think you should do it too, because I enjoy doing this a lot. Every time I get a little box, it's like a little opportunity for, uh, a fashion statement, a personal change maybe. And also I don't do laundry that often. So it's like, yes, this will get me through Friday. So that's very cool too. So I want you to get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother and you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all the items in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash my brother. One more time in case you didn't pay attention just now, pay attention this time stitchfix.com slash my brother. My co-host here, Oliver Wong, talked to influential guests about a canonical

album that has changed their lives. Guests like Moby, Open Mike Eagle, talk about albums by Prince Joni Mitchell and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again? Hate Rocks, Deep Dives into Hot Records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Y'all want a... Hold on, computer's being weirdly slow for a second. Okay. I think it's better now. I want a munch. I want a munch. There's hope for the munch squad still. I thought it was winding down, but then I remember that, you know, it's not just about current players in the fast casual market.

We've got new people lining up to join every single... Well, not today. That's really weird. No, that would be so shitty. Can you imagine? Here's a quick fact. A Carl Jr. slash Hardy's Western Bacon Cheeseburger is sold every 1.13 seconds. Oh, wow. That's a munch squad quick fact for you. About once a second, they sell one of these bad boys. They did some fries about it. You can Google it. This isn't about them. This is about Earl of Sandwich, a fast casual restaurant Franchise. That was a wild way to say that. I'll say that again. Franchise co-founded by... What? Co-founded by a direct descendant of the actual Earl of Sandwich.

Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In his blood. This restaurant, this new restaurant, is a part of the more than five-acre Fast Eddie's campus on Eagle Road, which already includes a Chevron gas station, a convenience store, a car wash, and a lube shop. The entire complex is under operated by local entrepreneurs Steve and Tracy Eddy, who previously built and sold a chain of fuel and convenience stores in the Treasure Valley. This is in Idaho, by the way. None of this exists here. It's because it's like, it's all in Idaho. Here's a quote. We wanted to find a restaurant concept unlike any other in the area, and Earl of Sandwich fit the bill. Earl of Sandwich appeals to the Monarch consumer. Those who believe that

sandwiches are more than a convenience food. They should be carefully crafted and thoroughly enjoyed. And what? We said, Steve, thoroughly enjoyed. We are thrilled to add Earl of Sandwich to our facility and are confident it will become the sandwich of choice for everyone in the community. Hey, so just so I can get this hunk of shit straight, they said that they said, they said they wanted to think of an idea that no one had ever done. And Michael, oh, we're revolutioning the idea of a quick service restaurant. So we went with sandwiches. Sandwich is made by a fucking king, Travis. Sandwich is made by literal actual royalty. I've eaten at Lord Quiznos. This is one of the wildest paragraphs in the much quite history. The Earl of Sandwich concept

revolves around the story of John Montague, the fourth Earl of Sandwich. He was a British nobleman and avid gambler who, not when to leave the car table to eat, asked for a serving of roast beef to be placed between two slices of bread so he could eat with his hands. Thus the sandwich was born in 1762. Some 242 years later, Lord John Montague, the 11th Earl of Sandwich and direct descendant of the inventor of the sandwich partnered with Robert Earl, not an Earl, but Robert Earl. Robert Earl of Earl of Sandwich. Earl, who is the founder and CEO of Planet Hollywood, to reclaim and reinvent the greatest of all quick food. So you think for like 242 years, everyone in this dude's fucking family is like, can we not talk about sandwiches?

We did it one time. We made up a snack and that's our whole fucking thing. Yes. I'm talking about a lot of Cheetos. But this guy was like, maybe we're going to go ahead and just capitalize on this because it seems to be the best thing that we got going. I think the play here, you open this one in Idaho, it's not very successful, but you have a claim to the yeasted throne in the sense that fucking you invented the sandwich. So sorry, Subway. Sorry, Quizno. Sorry, Jimmy John. Your ass is mine now. There's no more sandwiches for you because I made them. Well, my great-great-granddaddy made them. But still, that's copyright infringement, I think.

Ooh. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Nobody else can make sandwiches. You can't call them this anymore. Breadboats. I don't know. They'd find some way, wouldn't they? Subway would be like, we're serving them in between two butt cheeks. Get on over to Subway now, baby. Do you think that the way- Do you eat ass? It's a $5 ass. Come on, $5 foot ass. Get in it. Do you think when John Montague showed up at this chain, Lord John Montague, the 11th Earl of Sandwich showed up at this chain, he was like, uh-huh, good, good. The Earl's Club. I love that. The original 1762 roasted beef. They say roasted beef. Fuck off. French dip. Very good. The Holiday Turkey. Does this one have cornbread stuffing on it? Excellent. A delicious sandwich.

You've done my family pre- Wait. Wait a minute. Is that- Is that a quinoa chicken salad? A salad? What is a quinoa? I think it's quinoa. It's a salad, just a regular- And he just starts flipping like bowls of salad out the ground. Is this- What's this over here? Pepperoni pizza bread? Macaroni and cheese? No. Get it all out. It is not but takes two slices. I cannot eat it with my hands. Chips of potatoes. Out. Maybe perhaps the chipped potatoes will return two slices of bread. This potato salad claims to be salad, but it has no bearing. I'm just saying this all looks really good and I'm pretty hungry right now. I did kind of like that Holiday Turkey with the cornbread stuffing. Yeah, sounds promising.

This all looks really good. How about a Yahoo? Yep. This one was sent in by- Also by Graham, Robuck. Thank you, Graham. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user I'm going to call. Beverly asks, how can I talk my dad into letting me have a 175 gallon aquarium? I don't know how big that is. I don't know how big that is. You know how when you're a kid, you had like a gallon of water and you like poured it into the like a pool or a bathtub and it was fucking nothing? Like I don't know how big 175 gallons is. Can you guys, can we Google it? I don't want to do that. I feel like that's important because you don't want to do that.

Okay. At Griffin's point, if I picture 175 gallon jugs of water, I would look at it and be like, wow, that's a lot of water, right? But I do have a strong suspicion that if you show me one container that could contain 175 gallons, I'd be like, that's not nearly as big as I thought it would be. I'll tell you, boys. I'll tell you. 175 liquid gallons is 23.3941 cubic feet. Now, how fucking big is that? I don't know how big that is. I don't know how big that is. I just Googled it. It's 100%, 100% coffin-sized, exactly on the nose. This is coffin-sized. Okay. And even auto-filled. As I typed it out, I googled, I typed 175 space G and it was like Alan fish tank. So this is a big, well, it depends. I've seen bigger fish tanks at the aquarium.

They have the one that's just like bigger than my freaking house, man. Not for home use, you haven't. You have not seen one for home use that's bigger than this bad boy. I guess that's a pretty big one. This feels like something that you would need to have at a restaurant so kids could look at it while you waited for your chair. Or alternatively, we're trying to convince the dad, right? We're trying to get daddy on board. So to get daddy on board, you can say, yeah, it's a big fish tank, but we keep fresh seafood in there. And then you, every day, can be like that one, every day, every day. I'll eat this one. Also, think, think of how versatile it is. Yes, yes, you can put fish in it. Of course, yes, you could also perhaps put a reptile in

there. Maybe even an amphibian, but you could also store your clothes in it. You could keep all your loose change in it. You could just buy a whole bunch of boxes of cereal and dump it all in there with milk and have it be like a big cereal trough for a party. Oh, that's cool. You could fill it up with mustard and a single flag and let double their kids rummage around in there. Yes, yes. There's so many things. Like, think about, tell your dad this, say, dad, think about all the stupid shit you've bought that only does one thing and it was really expensive. You dumb asshole. You dumb piece of shit. Like you're a pacemaker. Right. And what do you even do with it? You know, I can't even play with it. It doesn't even do Tamagotchis. But I could fill

this fish tank with Tamagotchis, dad. Just try to stop me. Think about that, dad. I could sleep in this fish tank. I'm going to sleep in my fish tank, dad. This is, you're not just buying me a fish tank. You're buying me a new bed. Come on, dad. Grow up. Get a fish tank finally. I think climbing inside the aquarium and refusing to come out is one way to make your dad buy it. That's not going to make your dad buy anything. You're in the aquarium store and you're like, I want this one. And he says, that is 175, too many gallons. And then you say, oh, okay. And you climb inside and then you say, checkmate, because he's got to buy it. You're in it. He's got to buy his sons in it. You can't just leave you there. That's against the rules. Now it is important.

You can never get out of it because when you do, he'll immediately return it. Now he won't. It's 175 fucking gallon fish tank. He's going to want to get that outside of his house again. It's going to be tough enough to do it with a big boy inside of it. Okay. Well, then let's say you can't get out of it until he's gone at home. Yeah. Can you find a mattress that would fit it? Probably. Because then it would be like kind of a fun bed, novelty bed. And you could just at night, every night you take the water out. Oh, that's a bad idea. No, no, no, no, keep going. I've been one. No, you just dump all the water out, put the fish in a jug, you put your mattress in there, you sleep in there. That's space saving. It's a value. It's not a good idea.

You could get this and say, Daddy, let's just put one little fish in it and think of what a great treat that will be for him. Daddy, I want to get this big one so we can put one fish inside, and that fish is going to be so lucky. And don't only owe it to the earth to do that for, you can't save the world by yourself, but you can make a good situation for just one fish. That's pretty good. I'd like that. Alternatively, you could open up a fish fighting ring in your house and say, Daddy, we'll get 10% of the pot every time. Now you think about it. Your dad says he won't get you a 135-gallon tank. Okay, Dad, you win this one. Will you give me a 10-gallon tank? Oh, yeah, of course. It's no problem.

And then a few weeks later, just say like, Hey, Dad, I need a 10-gallon fish tank. That's still fine, right? That's fine. Your dad's like, Yeah, it's fine. Go ahead. Repeat 17 and a half times. Yeah. Then all of a sudden you've got 10. No, wait, you've got 17 and a half 10-gallon fish tanks, and your dad feels like an asshole because he's paying for all these like pumps and decorations and things. He could save a lot of dough just doing it the right way the first time. If you do the job the right way the first time. And he's had to take you to the hospital a few times because of how you've tried to smash all these fish tanks together to make one big fish tank. And there's been cuts. Your dad feels like the jerk. Who's someone your dad respects

absolutely, entirely, completely? Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean. You say, Oh, wait, do you know about my dad? Yeah. Okay. I guess. If your dad is our dad, then you go to the aquarium store with your dad and kind of almost say like offhandedly like, Oh yeah, I heard Mr. Bean talking about on entertainment tonight that if you're going to get a fish tank, the only fish tank you want to get is a 175-gallon fish tank. Yeah. Yeah. You know, dad, I heard this is the kind of tank that Travis Trittons. There you go. There it is. Travis Trittons is this exact model. Fuck it. All right. Fuck it, man. Get Travis Trittons to just like walk by you behind you. Look at that. That's a badass fish tank, man. That's a great tank right there.

That's a good tank. That's a good tank I got. That's a good tank for a great price. And I want to thank you again for shopping Travis Trittons aquariums and more. Yo, come on back any time. You're welcome and nobody's going to give you a better deal than Travis. That's what's on the side. Thanks for shopping at Tritton and quit it. He's done. Grab yourself a fish tank and then get on out. I have Trittons. I feel that shit up a mustard I would. I often do. I let some kids double down around in there. Double dare. It's always a great day to be alive here at Travis Trittons aquariums and stuff. Okay. Anyways, please move on. Travis Trittons fishing shits.

Hey folks, this is Travis Trittons fishing shits. I just want to remind you that we are working every day to obtain the license that we need to sell fish directly to you, the consumer. We're just weeks to months away. Our lawyers assure us from getting those special permits that will allow us to sell the finest quality fish at the finest quality prices. And please, please do not confuse this location with Travis Trittons fish and chips that is across town. Uh, both are mine and both were poorly planned. Thank you. Now weirdly, I worked at one during the morning and one during the night and I won't answer any more questions about that. That's getting personal folks. And yes, I still find time to make music.

Don't be an asshole about it. And I balance working family. Okay. Can we please move on? Ask me about my love of fish, both retail and dining. Everyone wants to know about the fish. Nobody asked me about the and shits. That's fine. I got CD players in here too, but that's fine. I guess you just want to talk about this. I got back to Gatorade brand gum. It's been inspired for five years. Nobody asked me about it. Let's talk about these fucking stupid fish, I guess. Tim Conway passed. I would love to talk about this complete set of door fish F tapes that I got, but I can't sell them. I guess I can't. Everybody wants to talk about the fish that I can legally sell. God's wettest and worst animal. God, I hate fish. What have I done? I should have thought

this through. How about one last question? Recently, a friend and I popped into a liquor store on our way to do some thrift shopping. Once inside, we noticed that they had a wine tasting label. Sorry, table. And we decided to spend a few extra minutes tasting some wine. That's when we noticed the number seven on the table and looked around to see at least six other wine tasting tables scattered around the store. Y'all, each table had six wines available to sample, and everything else is free. My question is, what is the appropriate etiquette here? What are we supposed to drink 42 wine samples? Or is there a more strategic and classy way to handle this offering? That's for more lows of options. What would you do, Griffin? What I would do?

Yeah. I would go around, I would smell all 42 of these little cups, and I mean huff them deep. And on the 42nd one, I accidentally snort some of my nose and I would start coughing and have to leave because I got embarrassed. Okay, that's what Griffin would do. Justin, what would you do? That's not, let me say, let me say, that's not what I want to do. That's just what would happen. That's just what happened. If I went, I would want to drink all of them because they were there, but then I would assume that I picked the first one up and another, like maybe a human being who worked there or a human being who knew the process better than me would say out loud, that's not what you're supposed to do. And I would melt into the floor.

Yeah, like Alex Mack, sure. Right, right. You know, I love one. I think maybe just pick one of the different varietals that you want to try, like just the cabs, and then just sample the cabs, and then, and everyone will understand that. Say, I'm just looking for high test cabs, just your best cabs. And then once you've tried them all, maybe you're kind of like, hey, listen, I've been thinking a lot about it. I think I'm more of a Chardonnay man now. So I would like to try your shards, see how they're doing. And then you could just go brand by brand, varietal, varietal. That's cool. Yeah. And then you can, you can step outside and shit your pants. And I don't know that we should necessarily endorse that course of action.

No, I don't think binge drinking is a good, do you see anything that's vaguely bucket shaped? Is there anything that looks like a bucket? Because that's, that's, that's supposed to be spit in that. Yeah. It's supposed to be spit in that you're not supposed to be getting a day drunk going at the liquor store, I'm pretty sure. I think you're supposed to, if you don't drink the right one, you turn old and turn into ash and bones and stuff. Yes. That's probably true. So that's important. You're going to have to mix four of them to solve a riddle. Like feel like you're trying to, you got a five gallon jug and a three gallon jug. Yes. Yes. Yes. And 175 gallon fish tank.

I mean, I would just go to the back of the store and grab a six or a bud and say like, this is my wine. And then I'd walk out of the store without paying. I think maybe if I owned this liquor store, I would set this up with like 42 free samples of wine. And when someone walked through, I would be like, yes, it's all free and it's 42 samples of wine. One of the 42 is poisoned. Oh, that's a bad idea. Okay. But then statistically, if you want less than nothing, that one, if you want a free wine, cool. Listen, that's fine. But you have to ask me about each one before you drink it. Oh, okay. So if you don't ask about the one that's poison, then you're the asshole, right? Because you could test all of them and be like, okay,

I have found my favorite one. And then fucking like Ellen comes out and she's like, this is a big social prank. They're all the same wine. And this is proof about how fucking fake America is. And then you're like, Ellen, your brand has changed a little bit. Maybe Griffin should have thought of somebody else. And she's like, I know it's strange for me to put America and sort of their habits and beliefs on blast. But everybody's got their noses in their phones all the time. And everybody's taking pictures of their food on Instagram. And all this wine is the same. So now you're a dumb idiot. And I'm going to dance. I'm going to dance on the store. And you have to watch me. I'm going to dance and pray for the destruction of America. She's a garbage country

that I hate now. Thank you for me, Ellen. I'm going to pray for your downfall. Your God's become dust under me, Ellen. Also, Jennifer Lawrence is in this box. She's going to jump out and scare you. But why even bother? Why even fucking bother Jennifer? America was a mistake. I'm Ellen DeGeneres. It's time to dance. Happy, happy independence to everybody. This is the worm filled carcass of liberty. This is my next guest and your guest for your and your grandchildren's lives. Anyways, here's a kid who can yodel or whatever the fuck is a kid who can yodel about the downfall of imperialism. Anyway, our musical guest is once again for the 70th time in a row. It's Rise Against. Get out here, guys. This is my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice

show for the modern era. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. We have a website. By the way, if you want to keep up on everything related to our family, you can go to McElroy.Family. This is our main partnership with Vox Media. You can see new episodes of our podcast, new merchandise. All of it is all there waiting for you. Bean juice mugs, they're there. Merchandise, you got it. Tours, yeah, they're listed there. McElroy.Family is your one. Stop, shop, pop. That's for my dad. Oh, okay. Also, speaking of tours, just want to say thank you to everybody who came out for Cincinnati and Cleveland. They were both a hell of a show. We had a great tour of it. What? It was great. We slayed is what you're. No, no, no. The audience was great.

We were mediocre. The audience was great. And now we're very excited. Next is Indianapolis and Nashville. And I think there's some tickets left for that. McElroy.Family, click on tours. Yeah, come on out. I want to say thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure. Off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's a very good album, very good song, very good person, very good time that you're going to have listening to it. And also thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximumfun.org, check out all the great shows there. Shows like Switchblade Sisters and Story Break and Beef and Dairy Network and a whole lot more all at maximumfun.org. It's time for a last question.

Griffin, do you have one for me? Sure. I got one here. It was sent in by Sid. Thank you, Sid. And it's an anonymous Yanser's user. Yanser's is a really powerful name for this. I like Yanser's a lot. So this is sent in by Yanser's user. Well, they're anonymous. So I'm going to call them. Gregorans asks. Yahu. It says that. Yahu. If some tell me there is a new moon, what happened to the previous moon? Whoa. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try the Beef and Dairy Network. It won

Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I'm on. There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s. Specialist Bovine Asvet. Both of his eyes are squid's eyes. Yogurt. Buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Farm raised snow leopard. Download it today. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from maximumfun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.