My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 462: The Pork Doctor

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Well, we did the damn thing again. We went ahead and spent a half hour talking about Garfield. We know. It’s done, though. The episode’s already finished, and this is it, and it’s got a full 30 minutes of Garfield in there. Better luck next time. Suggested talking points: Number 38, Pork Scenes, TV Talk, Belly Pudding, 50 Riddles to Defeat Anxiety, The Complete Garfield Dining Experience

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And I am your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. I tried to do a normal one. I tried to think like as a normal person, just say the introduction to a normal happy person. I thought about like

I'm unhappy, just like it doesn't need to be weird, just because I feel weird about doing it. Just like how do you say your name? Yeah, I thought about like what if I did like a howl in the middle of mine. See, it doesn't need to be that every single fucking time. Yeah, or it doesn't need to be that. We're near in 500. We can't keep escalating. Introducing the program. My name is Justin. I'm a person. I got two brothers. We do this show just because I feel weird about introducing a show doesn't mean I have to make it weird while I'm doing it. It's hard to get comfortable in my own skin. What with this weird hair everywhere, this new hair that everybody else is so excited about. But I'm so, so scared about this hair. I think as long as you say it. Pubs and all. Yes. No, we

yeah. I think as long as you say it as a statement of fact, rather than I'm Travis McElroy, right, rather than I'm Travis McElroy, don't make it sound like a question statement. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy and I do hate my pubic hair. Griffin hates his pubes. I want to tell you guys a story. This is, we get, we often get into the email like a weird thing happened to me in the bathroom. What do I do? Am I good mostly? That's like 28% of the questions we get. Yes. And so I would like to share my own and I want to preface by saying it's not blue. This is not, it's not a blue story. It's brown. Okay. Okay, Griffin. Justin, did you hear? Thank you. Play the noise. So when, when Dad and I flew into

the Los Angeles airport for the Dungeons and Dragons live stream. A lot of weird bathroom users in there. Well, this was in, in the LAX bathroom. There was a line, men's room line. And I was at, I was nearing the front of the line, the person in front of me stepped to use the stall and I hope to God, I presume an employee of the airport in a vest, I believe a turtleneck and a, they had a laminated badge stepped up, stepped in front of me, faced me and said, number one or number two. Okay, so hold on. They had a turtleneck on? Yes. Was it like a uniform? Was it like LAX uniform? You have to wear a turtleneck like a Steve Jobs? Oh, God, I hope so. Like, because the other, the other option is just a passerby said, either A,

I'm going to help direct traffic or B, I'm a big old bathroom pervert. It's one of those two. And looked me in the eye. Another human, another human being looked me in my human eyes and said, number one or number two? It could be both. It could be both a bathroom pervert and an employee. It seems like a great job. Oh, I thought you're saying, I thought you're saying it can be both number one and number two as it always is for me. I can't have one without the other. And so I said, number one, like without thinking, because I was so terrified and it was number one. It was, it was number one. And then this person simply directed me as I said, number one, a urinal became open and they directed me towards the urinal.

And all I could think is like, that's what I would have done. Like, what, what purpose? Why did you ask me? But then you look to the left, you saw an old, old man just having a shit in the urinal. That's what you knew. I think what they were trying to solve for is a problem that happens in men's rooms all across this great land. And if you traditionally go to a bathroom that only has toilets and no urinals, you wouldn't be aware of this. When you go in, sometimes there's a bifurcation of the line. So there's urinals available, like no toilets available, and you're just kind of haunting. Because yeah, it's going to be like that. It's going down like that. And you have to like wave other people onto the urinals like,

go ahead. It's, yeah, that's no, I'm just going to go ahead. I'm going to wait for one of the little closets here to understand that. I still stand by that there is a better way to ask that question than number one or number two. I mean, it is, I will, y'all are giving this person way too much credit. This is a profoundly discriminatory, not inclusive thing, right? Like not every big goes number one in a urinal. So fucking chill out, partner. Also, the other thing is Travis, you should have just said like, um, I, uh, I always forget which one they are and I have to, I have to make shitties. So can you tell me, I need to make dirt. I'm making a dirty mess. So can you tell me which one is it? I always forget. Which one do I make dirt in? I already made pissies on the

plane and now I need to make shitties. Can you tell me which one it is? If somebody said number one or number two to me, you know what, you know what number I'd give them? 38. That's my age of the years that I have. That's my number of years. And I'm just going to go wherever I feel like going. You've got a big man with a big swirly gray mustache says, I'm a kindred spirit. I also make 38. I also need to go 38. And let me ask you, how do you get it out of your belly button? How do you polish the tool afterwards? He steps into a stall and just tendrils start shooting out of it like the birthing scene in men in black. You hear steam like whistling through some kind of steam punk device. Uh, Trav, you brought up, uh, the Dungeons and Dragons thing. I know,

I know you caught some FaceTime with some famous and I just want to know if you had any, any like interaction. You get that little, you get that Lillard stink on you. I did. He was nice. He was a very nice person that Matthew Lillard. Um, I, uh, had a lot of fun playing the Dungeons and or Dragons, uh, with everyone, people that met. I don't have a shit about that. Let me tell you about Joe Manginello. I want to know about FAMOs or nothing. Yes. I'm going to tell you about Joe Manginello. A mountain of a person. Yeah. Perhaps the, the largest, just square footage wise, largest human being I have ever been beside. Yep. The fridge is what we call him. At one point, he stood in front of me and blocked out the sun. Like he, he's, I'm, I'm, listen, I'm not the biggest

person in the world. I'm 5'10", but I'm a fairly broad 5'10". And I felt like a tiny child in his presence. Like I think he could have juggled me. Um, how many of his, how many of his big D20s just turned into ash in his hand? We just crushed it. Yes. With so many bones. I watched him try to eat a peanut butter cracker and it just turned to crumbs in his hand and then he said, I wrecked it. And he started punching through buildings. Yeah. He's like a, he's a, he's a dad figure. Dad showed me a picture of him with, with, with him. And I said, Oh, two dads. There's my two dads that I have. Yeah. My dad and my real dad, my bio dad. My big dad. My big bone crushing fridge dad. My big strong dad and my regular dad. Enough of this Hollywood bullshit. Thank you. Whoa. I'm going to

go to the bathroom. Wait, really? Yeah, I am going to go to the bathroom. Number one on number two. Number one. Okay. This has been so fun, but I'll just be right back. I visited my grandmother over the weekend and we started to watch a show together. We watched two episodes before I left and promised it's a text about the episodes as we watched them. Problem is from the third episode on there have been many sex scenes, some of which are relevant to the plot. How can I love Seinfeld? How can I binge a show and talk about it with my grandma when folks are blatantly getting it on? That's from Chase in Chicago. And folks, if you don't start sending in fucking relevant information in these questions, I'm losing my mind right now. How on earth would you think we don't need to know

what the show is, right? What if it's mad about you? And I'm supposed to talk about Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt. I've got all this great Reiser material, Reiser Shine, etc. Yes. And I can't fucking do any of it because I don't know what show you're watching. Yeah. There's a lot of I'm going to email them. I'm going to email them. I'm going to email them right now. And let's find out if we get an answer by the end of the show, if it is mad about you. Just send a, just send mad about you? Question mark? Twasit? Twasit? Mad about you? First of all, don't be so close minded. Your mom's mom or dad's mom probably, I mean, they porked at some point and that's why you're here, right? In a roundabout way, their porking led to your parents' porking, which led to

Even if your parents happened to be adopted by this grandparent, I can't have tea, they porked at some point. They probably porked. Yeah, they probably did pork. That's a good thing to say. That's one good thing is like, I'm glad you did this probably. You know what I mean? I'm glad you probably did this because otherwise I wouldn't be sharing this moment with you. Maybe like when you get to that sexy and like text your grandma and say like, I really like this episode, but I was confused by that one scene where they seem to be just slamming their bodies into each other. What's that about? They were really slapping shanks and I'm not quite sure what the purpose of that was grandma. So tell me now. What was it happening there? What's that?

What is that? Did that hurt them? They seemed to be in pain of some sort. I couldn't place it. They seem to be laying down in bed, but very exhausted. So please tell me why it was. Did they run? Are they okay? What happened? Is it a sickness? Justin, are you done drafting the email? Yes, the email has been sent. All right, and now we're waiting. Option two, you text your grandma and she'll be like, I really like this episode, especially the part where they've booked or you can just that's not that's not helpful. Yeah, sometimes you just say stuff that's not helpful and it's a joke of how bad helpful it is. Then what would you do? I mean, unless it was like, you know, skin a max. I bet there was stuff that happened in the episode that was not slapping

shanks. But then you would worry like if you said like I thought the car chase was really good and all that negotiation scene was so tense and then grandma writes back like, what do you think about the fucking? Then you learn probably in the clear and this question doesn't matter anymore, Travis, I would argue that that is best case scenario. Okay, but what if it's a little more subtle and it's just like, what do you think about the rest of it? The winky face and maybe like an eggplant and emoji of two ham shanks that are moving in together to slapping together. Oh, I thought you let like maybe you got like an apartment together. Maybe like, what about this oopsie snack time saying something like that to your grandma when the sex starts like oops oopsie daisy snack

time. I don't know if you're sync syncing up your watch, are you? I don't know if you're live texting it. That was what I imagined. Why else would you text? I just text about the episodes as we watched it. So wait a minute, I'm just going to get a bunch of fuck. I'll be middle of my day and my grandma is going to be like, Oh man, I tell you what, the rock has really got these ballers around his finger. Huh? Anyway, I can't believe he went to this. Wait, is it ballers? Did you get the answer back? No, I don't know. I just to guess, it seems the right. It's it felt good in the moment. Yeah, I hope that Ari and he hug it out. Like I'm betting it's either ballers or entourage. That's my bet. You think it might be on definitely ballers. It feels like it's probably

ballers. Okay. A show that may only exist. I feel like ballers. Okay. I feel this way about a lot of entertainment programming, but I feel this way definitely about ballers where it's, it's like a fake. It's like a facade. Yeah. And if I walked in through the front, like on a sound stage, if I walked in through the front door of ballers, it would just be two by four supports and paint, paint claws and, and, and, and everything like there's no actual show in there. Like you're not actually like they only shoot enough to do like the montage of please don't cancel your HBO because Game of Thrones ended. We got lots of other things. It's like at some point, like somebody said to Dwayne The Rock Johnson, like, Hey, we're good friends, right? Will you come see my community

theater production of cats or something? And Dwayne The Rock Johnson said, uh, I can't, uh, I'm in a new show that I need to film. And they're like, Oh, what's the show about? It's like, it's, uh, called ballers. And it's a real show. And it's definitely a real show. And then they're like, like, I can't wait to see previews for it. He's like, Oh, and then he had to go to someone and say, please help me make previews, but we can't say what day or time it's on. We don't want people to watch it. And so it only exists in preview form. Okay. So just a quick update. I am looking at a vulture recap of season one episode three of ballers, which would be the inciting episode. It's called move the chains. And here's just a little excerpt from their recap. Thanks to this episode, I practically see Reggie's

whole arc mapped out for the rest of the season. While he claims to be looking out for his boy, Vernon, even telling Spencer, he's mostly pissed that he wasn't consulted about the ideas that he had for his friend and his brand. We later learned that that's all bullshit. And then more stuff, more stuff, more stuff, next paragraph. But enough about Reggie, let's get to Ricky smashing Alonzo's mom. So it seems like maybe. Oh, ballers. It could be ballers. Three is the episode if I remember correctly, let me go through my notes. This is the one where Ricky does smash Alonzo's mom. So it could be ballers. Can you just text your grandma about the artistry? Yeah. I'm really believing this. This is appropriate. I love the lighting. Yeah, like that kind.

Oh, it seems like they hired an intimacy director. This seems very realistic. Is that a job? It feels so intimate. Yeah. Is that a job? How do you think I'm feeding my family? Podcasts? Come on. It's like a fight choreographer, Griffin, but instead of the two ham shanks punching each other, you quite grasp the two ham shanks. Stop, stop, stop. You guys know more about movies and drama and theater and the arts that I do because you went to college for some of that stuff. Yes. Is this a real joke, your Tommy, or is this dry Olive Garden pasta? No, this is a real thing. Intimacy director is hired to choreograph love scenes and really any

kind of physical intimacy. Love scenes? Yes, love scenes, Griffin. Not just physical love, but perhaps other kinds of love so that everyone on set feels comfortable and it's realistic. I think that that's important, right? Making sure everybody feels comfortable. I just am imagining something to be like, you guys know what pork is all about. I think that's the opposite of the making everyone feel comfortable. The reason Griffin had a hard time believing that intimacy coordinator was a real thing is because Rob Schneider did not make a movie where he stars as it, right? I mean, because of the absence of the Rob Schneider movie, like the pork doctor or

whatever the fuck, he'd call it. I mean, it would be the sex word, which is unfortunate because that would be our brand, being drugged through the mud. But that's why he had time believing it because it's not a Rob Schneider movie already. Now that you've explained why, it makes a lot of sense. I think it's an important role. But my brain immediately went to, so you guys have ever done kissing? Kissing? How about a yahoo? Yeah, love that, Graf. Thank you. I have a miniature one here. It's not going to be a good jump half for discussion, but when I read it, I laughed for like a minute straight. It made me very happy. Jack sent this one on Thanks Jack. It's the Yahoo Answers user Greta with all caps. Greta

is a very recent member. Greta asks, I have a TV that talk, but no picture. Huh? I have a TV that talk, but no picture. My TV talks. My TV does talk, but it doesn't produce picture. It talks the sound of the show. The thing is, I think it's easy to assume that you're hearing the sounds from TV, but Griffin, well, that's the TV just talks. Okay. Let's get into this. Yeah. I've been watching the Americans and Kerry Russell sometimes speak American on that show. Sometimes we'll speak English. Sometimes we'll speak Russian, but you're saying that it's the TV. Uh-huh. It's just like hello, Greta.

Huh? It could be the TV. We don't know for sure. And you're like TV, because here's the thing, my Amazon Alexa talks to me sometimes. What if this just went a step further and was just like, hey Greta, and you're like, hey TV, please turn on picture. And the TV was like, no. The screen's all fucked up, but they're in the big throne room and the dragon seems very angry. And you know what? I do want actually my spin on the Game of Thrones finale, because it could be a softened sort of blow. Would you like that? Would you enjoy that, Greta? Uh, you know, TV, I think I'd just rather watch it. Could you show it?

This part's dirty. Your mom told me to not let you see the dirty parts. So this part's dirty. It's totally fine. My mom left, but before she did, she said, until TV, it's okay. Don't see the dirty parts. So Greta's watching. It's really dirty though. Greta's watching Baller's episode three and fucking Denny's walking up towards Alonso's mom and starts to pull his pants down and the screen just cuts to black and Greta's like, what the fuck? And then Greta's like, he pulled his pants right back up. He pulled them right back up. He pulled them right back up.

And then he took her out of her ice cream. He took her to Wendy's. They got a frosty together. He took her home. He pulled his pants up and said, I gotta get to church. And then that was the end of the scene. So you have a real yahoo? Yeah, sure. Here's one that was sent in by Jeremy S. Important science question. We're very good at these. Thanks Jeremy. It's yahoo answers user Lana who does ask,

what happens if you eat pudding mix and then drink a bunch of milk? Does it turn to pudding in your stomach? Well, not if you don't shake around a bunch. You gotta shake around a whole bunch. Shake around. Get one of those old timey shaky belts that they have on in like funny TV shows about like how whack old stuff was and get that jiggle and jiggle and jiggle year round and then I guess you'll die.

It's not. Yeah, you'll probably, no, you'll be fine. I mean, first off, I bet it would taste pretty good in that same way that like that dirty way where if you get a big chunk of chocolate milk mix, you know what I mean? You like that through it. Yeah, it's good. I like that. I think that that's good. I don't like it. Really? It's powdery.

Yeah, okay. I like the marshmallows. In chocolate milk mix? Yeah, sometimes they have marshmallows in them. Do they? Seems like maybe you've never had chocolate milk mix Griffin. I thought you said hot chocolate. You did not think he said that.

He's twice. He were repeating himself. Chocolate milk all the fucking time. Child. Uh-huh. When was the last time you had chocolate milk? Now. From a mix.

From a mix. Right. From a mix. Right. Oh, you're having it now. Now you're right now. Should listen. You're loving it.

Wait, what is happening? This is sonically. This is the sonically the worst part of my life. I don't care for this at all. This one afternoon. This one May afternoon when I was 38 was sonically the worst thing that ever happened. Oh, that's weird.

I thought you liked chocolate milk mix because that's the sound it makes. That's weird that you fucking said that. I've read the instructions for pudding a lot. I've made my fair share of pudding. Not to brag. I made my fair share of pudding. But you prefer British pudding.

The proper, the Queen's pudding. Oh, a pudding. A delicious pudding. Listen, I love a pud. And I love. We all do. I love to make a pud. No, actually, judging by the leftovers

I have every Christmas, empirically, we don't all love a pudding. Oh, I see. Some people would prefer to leave the pudding where it is and maybe the store bought Keyline Pie. I bought two anyway. I don't want to get hung up on a lot of Christmas angst. But not once have I seen in the directions

and also include a bunch of fucking stomach acid and bile into the equation. That's not part of the recipe. Just because you have two of the components doesn't mean we're not going to whang it with some extra ones. I also would say, while I appreciate the scientific nature of this question,

you're missing out on the enjoyment of the pudding. Like, if this did work, you wouldn't mix it together in your tummy and then like, say like, hmm, like, but it does. It would not become pudding now I have put it. Right. It wouldn't become pudding at the point at which it is important that it is pudding,

which is just, if not more so, prior to going in your mouth. Have you had pudding today? Not yet, but give me a second and then I will have had pudding. Let me throw myself down this set of stairs and then I will have had pudding. Let me shake up my tummy. Right.

Roll me down this meadow, this buttercup covered hill and perhaps at the bottom of it, I will have had pudding today. Put me in this big barrel and roll me over the falls and then there will have been pudding the whole time. Put me in coach. I'm ready to make pudding today. There are very few foods where the flavor or texture of it isn't designed for the mouth.

You guys ever think about that? Wait, what? There are very few foods where the flavor isn't designed for the mouth. With a flavor and texture of it. Uh-huh. Is designed to be enjoyed once it's in your belly. Like, that's the peak of it. All right.

Yeah. There's booze. Yeah, that's one of them, but I wouldn't say that's a food. And I think if you do think that's a food, that sucks, but. I would say any carbonated beverage, where once again, a beverage isn't a food, I get that. But where you almost guarantee. You guys are already throwing up some real fucking airballs

right now, some real bricks. You fill a person with milk. You fill a person with pudding mix. You shake them around, they're full of pudding. You know who I bet wishes that worked? Bears. Bears and sharks. Fuck, it got to.

What are you eating, dude? Well, it's a guy, but it's also fudgy gushers. It's a guy. It is a guy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's delicious. You ever have this in them? This is so nice.

Oh, this is a pudding boy. Did you guys not have pudding in yours? Careful, Kevin. I know what to do. Stand perfectly still. No, Kevin. Here's what you do. All right.

So you're going to take all these job pudding bits. You're going to eat it up good. Trust me, Kevin, it's the only way. It'll really drive me off or whatever. Oh, I hate what you're doing. And then the milk, Kevin. All the milk. All the milk.

All the milk. Keep going. Now shake it. Now do I stand perfectly still? No, Kevin. Quite the opposite. You're going to shake it like a Polaroid picture, Kevin. Jiggle and jiggle.

Bring all the boys to the yard, Kevin. But can I go? Yeah, Dylan, you can go. You're not what I'm looking for. I'm out of pudding mix. Yeah, this is the only pudding mix I need. Munch, munch, munch. Munch, munch.

Yeah, and then the boy gets eaten. I wanted to jump over that part because this makes me sad. That part's sad, but the boy, but at the last second, the bear doesn't do it. Oh. Because he's got diet because he remembers he has diabetes. Oh, the last one that he remembers. Oh, oh, no. All right, Becky.

Do you want a yahoo? Another or let's do another question real quick. Now that we are third yahoo, it seems a little bit unnecessary. Maybe we'll do six yahoo's in a row. Let's do another question then. Here's a quick question. Whenever I get my hair washed out of salon, I close my eyes because I don't want to make eye contact with the stylist.

Oh, perfectly normal. I'm worried the stylist will think I'm some perv if I close my eyes, but I'm also worried it'll be worse if I look. Oh, man. I sometimes close my eyes while getting a haircut for the same reason. Is that weird? Am I creepy? If you walked into a salon and saw someone with their eyes closed

and getting a haircut, what would you do? That's from Eyes Wide Shut in Shanghai. Cool. I don't know that we've ever had a question from Shanghai before. Yes. That's neat. I think, and I don't know, maybe I'm in the wrong here, but I think it's way weirder to be sitting there with,

because you have two options if you keep your eyes open. One, stare straight ahead, which is after a long period of time, weird. Two, track what they're doing with your eyes, which is even weirder. All right. Hey, everybody. Eye contact, unbroken eye contact. That's no good. Yeah, if only there was another way.

Here's everybody, on a monthly basis, you have to come to me and sit down in front of me, supplicating yourself to me, while I touch your hair for a half hour. In this situation, there are infinite imaginable vectors through which things can become uncomfortable. Right? I think that's fair to say. Right?

This scenario, getting the haircut, it can be very uncomfortable, which is why for me, I have had the same hairstylist now for a few years. It's one of the longer streaks I've had with the hairstylist. And she does a great job cutting my hair, but the reason I decided to stay is because I had found comfort there. I had found a routine that was comfortable. It's a huge selling point. So I don't think this is not a travesty, right?

This person closes their eyes when they get a haircut. I'm sure that your hairstylist has seen weird things because it's an inherently strange human flaw that these weird, sticky, itchy things keep coming out of our heads and other parts of our body that we wish they just would stop for like a minute so I could get a handle on it. I think you've just made... This is, I think, a fun thing that you could do to break the ice

with a new hairstylist as you sit down. There's a little bit of tension because it's new and you don't want to talk about it. The first time they cut hair, screaming pain. Oh, that's interesting. And then you're both going to have a good laugh about that because they're going to jump or you say like, okay, can I have a minute?

And then you say an individual goodbye to each hair they've just cut. They make the second cut. That could be good. You do it again. You repeat that over and over again. What if you have a bunch of little bones sticking out of your scalp with your like mixed in with your hair? Oh, that's fun.

Just to mix it up like you're King Koopa from the Super Mario Brothers movie. Maybe you have a few double-deer flags in there. Cool. And so as they're digging around, they find one. You're like, you're on a space ship. Oh, maybe like as they cut it shorter and shorter, you've written a message on your scalp. That says like two short.

Two short. Oh, no, start over. Try again. Maybe one thing you could do would be to as the haircut progresses, continually compare yourself to other celebrities. Like, oh, nice. Just like Eddie from the Monsters. Nice.

Or oh, nice. Just like Patrick from SpongeBob. Like just continually, he doesn't have hair. So that wasn't like ideal, but you get the idea. That's really great. Just like Lance Henderson in Aliens. I think giving the hairstylist an activity to do while they're cutting, as we are suggesting universally here,

giving them something to occupy themselves like a child on a road trip is definitely the right way to go. So you can just close your eyes and have a good anxiety nap. Here's all I'm saying. I used to talk a lot on this show about social anxiety, right? Before you got cool. Now, no, now I think there's, I don't think of people who have social anxiety and don't know what to say.

I don't think those people just see more. You know how I label them now? People who haven't memorized 50 riddles. Oh, if you have memorized, hear me out. If you've memorized 50 riddles, you'll never be in a conversation or social situation where you don't know the perfect thing to say. Because it's probably a riddle. One of your 50 riddles, yeah.

One of the 50 riddles, you know, one of them is probably somewhat applicable to the situation. There's no such thing as comfortable and uncomfortable socially. There's people who are comfortable socially and people who haven't memorized 50 riddles. So then. Because if you've memorized 50 riddles, that is going to be the perfect icebreaker.

It's fun. What a fun brain teaser while I'm cutting hair. I get to like, you know, try to unravel your mysteries. I think it would be great to memorize some riddles. And then. An added benefit. If you find somebody who has memorized the exact same 50 riddles as you, you marry them.

That's another option. That's how you know. If you see your hairstylist for long enough, that when they finally solve that 50th riddle, you can take their hands and look at them and say thank you. And then you transform into a wind serpent and you fly out of the salon. And you never go back. You're back a month later.

With 50 more hot new riddles. And you also bring their aunt back from the desk. That is yes. But only if they get the riddles right. You don't get the dead aunt back if you get 49 of them. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

For each. It stays dead. For each one you'll miss, another aunt's gonna go. Because that's the wind serpent's curse. And you should have known that before you agreed to take me on as a client at this supercuts. You work at supercuts? That's day one in the orientation. You work at supercuts.

Don't lose a few aunts to some cursed wind serpents. That's just in the manual, man. That's what they always say. You can't work at supercuts without losing a few aunts to a wind serpent. And it's terrible curse. Unless we want to get a second job at supercuts, we're going to need to head to the money zone. Okay.

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$100 off select giant's hands. Terms and conditions apply. You guys know about stamps? These things are like very, very, very small sticky hands. When you put them on a letter, it lets the post office know that this letter is good to go, baby, and they will take it where you need it to go. But only if you use the right small sticky hand like you might find on a rat in a sewer. Every stamp that you get from stamps.com is like a rat's hand from the sewer.

And you put it on your letters and it's great. Stamps.com is a very wonderful time-saving tool for your small business. We own several of those. Stamps.com eliminates trips to the rat hand store, which is what I call the post office. And it saves you money with discounts you can't even get at the rat hand store. So rathands.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. rat hand store right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices or an online seller shipping out products or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, stamps.com can handle it all with ease.

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Probably just stamps.com, though not the other one. It was a joke and a pretty freaking one if I'd say by myself. Welcome. Thank you. Nice. These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Reliability is big for me.

Power. I'd say comfort. What do you think of this? That's Jordan Jesse Goh. Jordan Jesse Goh? They came out of the floor and down from the ceiling? That can't be safe. I'm upset.

Can we go now? Soon. Jordan Jesse Goh. A real podcast. Nice back good. What? More theremin-like. Now there's just a bug in the studio.

Yes, let me get that. I want a munch. Bugs. First off, it was dead to me on Netflix. Cool. Cool. I'll just say cool back. Oh, okay.

I don't know. This is a weird situation where I heard about this when it was first making the rounds and it was such a munch squad that I had somehow assumed that I had already done it. Once I'd heard about it, it just seemed like, oh, certainly I've already done this. Right. Certainly I've already done this.

But I haven't. And so it's Garfield Eats. Is this the concept of the orange cat we all love? The orange cat is in it. And it's just the concept that he does consume food for calories and power. Yes, he's in it. He's in this one. Okay.

And it's Garfield Eats. Introducing, it says here in the subject line, the world's first Garfield mobile app restaurant. Wait, what does that mean? Feed me at Garfield Eats. It's the world's first Garfield mobile app restaurant. So that means that when they decided to do it, they had to see has anybody else done a Garfield mobile app restaurant?

I can't believe the answer is no. Oh, gosh. I know they were the first ones to pioneer this at Garfield Eats. Did you say love me, feed me? Love me, feed me at Garfield Eats. Does it say that? It's still the subject of the, it's the headline of the press release. The headline of the press release says,

like Frankenstein would say, love me, feed me, Frankenstein eats. Or like Audrey too, from Little Shop of Horrors. Another option. You all are getting, it's not that you can't see the forest for the trees. There's like a big sign outside that's like trees ahead and you stopped there. Like you need to come with me, okay? Garfield is, this is how this press release fucking starts, okay? Garfield is the most red comic strip in the world.

You know that Garfield eats. Holy shit. I do know that. That's the first. Garfield is the most red comic strip in the world. M dash. You know that Garfield eats. I remember that about him.

A lot. Oh. That's a whole sentence. A lot. The fabulous, funny, that inspired. The what? Certainly they meant to say feline. Certainly they meant to say feline, but they don't.

They say the fabulous, funny, that inspired books. Movies and TV shows. Feed the fabulous, funny, love him. The fabulous, funny is about to mark its 40th year. It sounds like how John refers to Garfield. If they are like old Victorian lovers. Oh my fabulous. It's about to mark his 40th year on the comics pages.

So it's apropos that Garfield eats a new innovative mobile app for entertainment and ordering food will make its debut in the world. What the fuck do you think apropos means? What do you think apropos means? That 40 years of Garfield being on comic pages is apropos to do a whole restaurant about it. Garfield eats is a new food experience.

Brought to you by the world's first intergaging app. Stop. What? Stop. You're the Garfield restaurant. You don't get to make up that word. That also once again sounds like some of the most steampunk shit I've ever heard. It is going to fucking.

We must apply force to the intergage if we want to power our steams that way. I don't want to do anything else other than this press release. This is the first sentence of the second paragraph of the sixth paragraph long press release. It's the world's first intergaging app and it is an entertaining and engaging app. It's entertaining and engaging.

It's both entertaining. This is an entertaining me but not engaging me. It's an entertaining and engaging app that replaces the quick service restaurant with the quick mobile restaurant. Oh. Okay. Not a QSR, a QMR.

The app immerses the user in a complete Garfield experience. Holy. Wait. How much longer do we have in this episode? Because I'm starting to feel like this may be it. Now, Justin, before you continue on with any details, they're just kind of. Oh, I'd love to take a break.

Trevor, let me hold on. Let me pull over the car. Okay. They're just throwing out that word complete with a lot of bravado, huh? Because to me, a complete Garfield experience does involve like a costume and maybe a giant house that makes me feel like the perspective of a tiny kitty.

Maybe even a box of dirt I'm supposed to shit in. Yeah. Unless I can experience this app through the Oculus Rift, I don't think this is a complete Garfield experience. I'd love that to be true but I don't think that that's accurate. It's a quick mobile restaurant. The app immerses the user in a complete Garfield experience, offering cartoons and augmented reality.

Holy shit. Cartoons and augmented reality and food. Because it's a restaurant. Remember how it's a restaurant? Because it still is and it's got that, too, because it's inter-gager. Yeah. Garfield eats, by the way, is stylized.

No space. Eats is all caps. So that's powerful. Fucking cool. It's very fucking cool. It's like a very punk rock of spelling Garfield eats. So on the menu, delicious, healthy, farm two plates, and here they have in parentheses F2P.

This is a free-to-play AR Garfield experience. You can fucking have this fucking fresh kale that just came from a half mile away while you put on your Google Glass and have Odie's big, powerful feet step on and crush you, baby. Now, we should warn you there are micro transactions. I didn't even finish the clause. On the menu, delicious, healthy, farm two plate lasagna,

of course, and pizza, shaped like Garfield, and baked in a wood fire oven ordered through the app and delivered quickly to anyone in Dubai. Oh. Justin, you just, I have never been so quickly deflated. I know, I know. I can't fucking believe you.

What you just did, what you just did was treasonous. It was treason. Order through the app and is delivered quickly to anyone in Dubai. Also, this is a sentence. Also, because Garfield loves his coffee, enter the Garfuccino, made with 100% Arabica coffee from Italy. It's an international affair.

The word Garfuccino is the greatest thing I've ever heard. Like, if you told me that was a euphemism for vomit, I would be like, oh, man, I gotta go garf. I have a Garfuccino all over this place. I've got a running list of substances I would least like to drown in. And Garfuccino has just rocketed up the list. Especially when you consider that one of my favorite, like, abomination words,

Dunkuccino is such a great word that I love saying. Yeah, they were so close. Garfield eats co-founders. Oh, no, are they okay? Oh, man, that's too bad. Sorry, Garfield eats co-founders Nathan Masary and Pascal Heider. We're born well after Garfield's rise to fame, but both were fans of the cartoon growing up.

What the fuck could that possibly matter? Knowing Garfield's pinching for a touch. These aren't your bandwagon, Garfield. No, they know. They're going to get the brand right. Knowing Garfield's pinching for Italian food, they thought Garfield would be the perfect pitch man for their brand of scooter pizza, I guess. I don't know that he's a fan of Italian.

We never see, like, we never see scenes of him, like, at a fancy restaurant enjoying, like, a, like a bolognese or something. Like, you're going to let, you're going to lose this because his favorite food's lasagna. All right, you're going to lose. No, I know that, but his favorite food's lasagna. That doesn't mean, like, he's a fan of Italian. Just means he really likes lasagna.

Yeah. Their vision is to make the ordering of food fun and easy, utilizing modern technology. You can use voice recognition to order. Here's the thing. How frequently do you have to order from the Garfield Eats app before you're like, I don't have the time to type this every time I want lasagna? I'm going to need to start speaking. It is rolling the dice.

If I could have a button like one might get from Amazon, then I would have that with just a picture of a Garfield-shaped pizza on it that I could push. No, I sold my phone. I got an Amazon Dash button for Garfield Pizza. You know what really sucks about that is when I'm watching my television stories and one of the characters on the show says, boy, I'd love to have a scooter deliver me a Garfield-shaped pizza in Dubai, which happens in most of my shows.

Yeah. It's going to send off a false. That's going to have us eight time in Ballers episode four. That's a false positive. That sucks. And maybe I don't want to go. Of course, I am always going to want a Garfield-shaped pizza. That shit's hilarious.

By the way, if you're wondering, I looked it up. Garfield-shaped pizza is like the outline of this face, which looks to be an impossible shape to roll a pizza out into. So every one of these motherfuckers must be like hand shaped into his face. Nice. So, OK, so Garfield eats will adhere to. And I'm sure this is everyone's concern here to strict F2P guidelines on supply sourcing, guaranteeing no GMOs.

That doesn't matter. No preservatives. That's Garfield-modified organisms. Yeah, he hasn't he hasn't fucking licked anything. No artificial no artificial colors and no fertilizers. I mean, I should hope not. That would be a weird topping as these things go. They'll also use rechargeable electric scooters to deliver the food

in Reebok's packaging that can be repurposed. OK. Anything can be repurposed. What's the thin diagram of people out there who are so excited about like, is there is that how big is the overlap between like, yes, listen, of course, of course, I want to eat a Garfield shaped pizza or maybe even Garfield shaped lasagna, I'm not sure. But only if it is sustainably sourced and eco-friendly.

Farmed to table. Otherwise, yeah. F2P. Free to play, no loot boxes, no pay to win. Here's something that's just a hole. You guys know what a nut graph is? Sure. Griffin, you probably know that from Jordan Liesbauer.

I'm trying to read a nut graph. It's the paragraph in a press release that's so good that you can't not have a come. Nut graph is the thing that you like. If you're a reporter, you like save. It's like anytime you need to talk about this thing, like you can put this in a nut right there. So the nut graph for Garfield, and this is a paragraph I'm assuming is in everything Garfield related from here to attorney.

Nearly 40 years ago, on June 19th, 1978, Garfield was born on the comics pages. The mastermind of cartoonist Jim Davis, that's not what that means. Garfield is a humorous strip. Let's entertain the possibility. Jim Davis not exist. Jim Davis was the fictional creation of the orange lasagna cat Garfield. Whoa. Garfield is a humorous strip.

And you know what, humorous is just about right, huh? That really gets, it doesn't say riotous or funny humorous. It says it's a humorous. It's definitely not sad most of the time. It's this unsad strip, except sometimes it is very sad though. I will say that. Most of the time. It is very sad.

Garfield is a humorous strip centered on the lives of a lazy, cynical orange cat who loves lasagna, pizza, coffee, and his remote control. His owner, the long-suffering John Arbuckle, and Odie, a sweet but dumb dog. So. Can't you, here's a thing, Travis. Here's a thing. This is fun. Here, grab a thing.

Here, grab a thing. This is fun. I mean, aside about this idea, I cannot wait to find out who this Garfield character is. Right. Who the fuck is Garfield? This is so good. I love all of it. F2P lasagna for sure.

I cannot wait to find out about this lasagna cat. I want pins and needles about who Garfield is. That's the one thing. My checkbook is out. I'm loving it. But who's Garfield? Here's the answer first. It actually ends on an even higher note.

Garfield's creator, Jim Davis, said he was delighted with the concept. Here's a quote. In 40 years, no one has ever come to me with a better thought out plan to deliver great food in a fun and engaging way. Holy shit. Really? So Jim Davis, and Jim Davis' life, one component of it, is people frequently come to him with plans to deliver great food in a fun and engaging way. No, no, no, none of you. He can't even look at his Twitter DMs anymore.

It's just fucking. So here's the thing, Jim. It's called the Gar Ferrari. No. It's Garfield shaped Ferrari and you bring in kids love it. Listen, when I created Garfield, like a half a century ago, I did so with the dream of one day turning it into an F2P home delivery food, intergaging experience. And you have not found it yet, sir.

So you take this garbage and bury it in a box of dirt where it belongs. So you can go to garfieldeats.com and find out more about that. I'm very disappointed because I wanted to get the Garfield Eats app on my phone. I think it's only in the UAE. But if you search Garfield on the App Store, here's what you get. Garfield Rush, Garfield, My Big Fat Diet, My Talking Garfield, Garfield Survival of the Fattest, Garfield Snack Time, Garfield Go, Garfield Food Truck, Garfield Daily, Garfield Walk. This is all the Garfield apps that there are.

So there's a lot of them. Wowzy Bowzy's, my boy. This website, garfieldeats.com is a good one of the websites. This website, Justin, this website, it's a good website. In this website, you've seen lots of websites, folks, because the internet's been around for a bit. In this website, they do have a picture.

And it's half just Garfield's face. But then the other half is what looks like an asparagus and broccoli pizza. So it's almost like he is a, I'm going to say pizza morph, which is a new series from Scholastic that I'm very excited about, in which famous cartoon cats do turn into pizza. This website is so fucking good, Justin. I'm losing my mind. I think we've been looking, we've talked behind the scenes a lot

about trying to find that perfect excuse to do a Dubai live show. And maybe this is it. Maybe this is, maybe it's not, we don't go to the live show and happen to eat some Garfield shaped pizza. We go eat some Garfield shaped pizza and happen to do a Dubai live show. There is on the website, because they did it in Canada too. It is in Canada, so it is-

Well, we're never going to Canada. Let's admit that. I went to Canada. What's that? There's a video on the website that has 371 views. It was released May 2nd. So this is off the presses. It is on the Garfield Eats website and is a three minute

and 44 second long video of Jim Davis talking about Garfield eating while he holds a stuffed Garfield and cartoons of Garfield. Wow. That's a video that you can go see at GarfieldEats.com if you want to scoop that up. Griffin, if you could edit in 10 seconds of the audio from that, I think we'd be cleared to it just to get a little bit of that heat. Okay, don't tell Jim.

Garfield eats. I think that's been pretty well established. His lifelong love affair with pasta and pizzas is legendary. In fact, if Garfield could dream up the perfect restaurant, it would feature lasagna and pizza. Well, Garfield's dream has come true and it's in the form of a new innovative concept restaurant. Take care of the cat and the cat will take care of you.

And I'm on the website now. There is a little chat box where you do want to talk to customer service. So I did ping them hoping to ask, like, are you planning to spread to the States anytime soon? So I said, hello. And then the bot responded, oh, it's you. Thanks for chatting us up. One of your friends will be happy to reply to you in a few seconds.

Give us your name and number. We'll call you back. And then I panicked. Hard pass. I panicked. I said my name's Derek. And then customer service immediately responded, we are experiencing large volumes of chat messages.

I'm sure, yeah. Please leave your mobile number or find our social media page called Garfield Eats app for updates, offers and more calls any time by clicking the call us icon for every order. You will get free pause to unlock guys. You will get free pause to unlock Goop bonds and Garfield Exclusive Series.

I don't think you meant to do that. I don't think you meant to do that. Guys, I don't think this is Groupon's misspelled because why would they give out Groupon's? I think this is Garfield. Coop bonds is an experience that they have a currency that they have titled Goop bonds. There is a fucking.

OK, guys, this is going to sound like a joke, but it's not a joke. So this Reeboks thing, you can and not it's not Reeboks how it sounds in your brain. When I say the words, it's R E hyphen, B O X, right? Reeboks is a thing where you can reuse the packaging that your food comes in and they have videos for how to do it on the website.

And there's a video that is 20 seconds long that says how to transform your Garfield cup, your Garfield eats cup into a pencil holder. Wow. And here are the instructions. The instructions are this. Number one, use this as a pencil holder. That's that's it.

Boy, that's it. Oh, boy, that's it. You've made me very happy Garfield eats. Thank you, Garfield eats. Please come to West Virginia. I will start a fucking. I will start a branch here. I will buy a scooter.

I will just you can franchise here. Please, please. I'll do anything. This has been our program. My brother, my brother, me an advice show for the modern era. We hope you've enjoyed how long we talked about Garfield eats. If you live in Canada and you don't get Garfield eats, you're a criminal.

So I want to thank John Rodgers and the Long Winters for these for a theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. You can find a link to that. Well, shit. I always do that. You can find that. I mean, you can find it anywhere.

You can find that album on Spotify. You can find that album on Amazon. You can find it on coolalbums.fart. You can find it wherever you get your albums. I don't know because I'm not watching you. And also thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. They have a bunch of great shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Beef and Dairy Network and Can I Pet Your Dog

and a whole bunch more. All good shows. We have other stuff at McRoy.Family, including some still some tickets to some live shows coming up, including a tour we're about to do in Nashville and Indianapolis. That's coming up in just a couple of weeks. So if you live there, come see us.

We're doing Movim, Amantaz here in the middle of June. So you can find links to that at McRoy.Family. And you'll find all our other shows and video shit there too. While you're there, also you will see other shows we're doing for The Adventure Zone, graphic novel book two coming out. I believe it comes out July 16th, 17th, one of those two days. And we're doing a book tour like we did last year for it. We're going to be in New York City at the Town Hall Theater.

Justin, Griffin, and Kerry are going to be there. And on the same night, July 16th, Dad and I will be in Portland, Oregon at Revolution Hall. And then on the 17th, Griffin and Justin will be in Austin, Texas at the Paramount Theater. And Dad and I will be in Los Angeles, California at the Ace Theater. And then on July 19th, me, Dad, Justin, Griffin, and Kerry will all be at San Diego Comic-Con at the Balboa Theater.

You can get all those tickets as well at McRoy.Family. And speaking of the book, even if you can't make it, go to TheAdventuresZoneComic.com. And you can pre-order book two now. TheAdventuresZone book two, Murder on the Rockport Limited. It's really, really good. And you're going to love it. I hope you like it.

You will. You will. There's no hope about it, Griffin. It's even better than the first one. And, well, it's great. You're going to love it. Angus is in it. And Angus is great.

Everybody's got a different taste. They're going to love it, Griffin. Okay. So everybody likes different stuff. That's just a fact. Here's a final yahoo. And this one was sent in by... Oh, also merch.

Merch is there. Check out our merch, macromerch.com. Merit, Paul Merch sent this one in. Thanks, Merit. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous. So I'm calling Garford, you know. Asks...

If you cared at all... What episode of the Flintstones do you think I should watch? My name is Justin McRoy. You have his McRoy? I'm Griffin McRoy. You're my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad, square on the lips. Listener supported.

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It's all an elaborate lie. And when you get on a plane, they purposefully fly you farther than you need to go. It's disgusting. It needs to be stopped. And if you listen to Ono Ross and Carrie, we will tell you the truth behind the lies. I just get it.

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