My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 463: Stranger Creams

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

We believe in all our listeners’ ability to enjoy the summer responsibly and jubilantly. BUT. You wanna push that stuff Over the Top? You wanna get wiiiiiiild? Then you’ve GOT to get this episode into your life. Suggested talking points: Summer Preview 2019, Daddy’s Favorite Box, Elephant Heaven, Damages, Demogorgon Desserts, Popcorn Hat, Fried Secrets

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother By Brother, meaning my show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy. I got emperor. It's summertime. And the livin' is easy. This is cool. This is cool. This is cool. That one was pretty f**king cool, Juice, it was a cool song. Man, so it's summertime basically and this is my brother my brother meet summertime preview A lot of people can't even put a fucking t-shirt on until we tell him how to so yeah

It's basically summertime and pools We have been getting so many emails and tweets saying will the living be easy this year And just to just went ahead and gave that away right off the top Some I emailed will be easy hasn't been it's been about three years and change Since the living's been easy the living hasn't been especially easy, but let me just say you're allowed to sweat You don't need our permission to have a good summertime sweat some of this stuff is getting way way out of hand Yeah, I think it is time for us to give our picks for summer 2019 And I'm gonna start with wet chairs

Wet chairs Public pools and private pools out out out out out wet chairs you sit on them the moistness of it comes on to you and If you can do it somewhere where there's a breeze or a fan even better But the chair is gonna be in 2019 the chair is gonna be wet folks So can I can I give you another big maybe this might even be a summer surprise of what's in and what's out the sun's out Wow, yeah, that's fun out the sun's out. Yep, and also guns out Oh son guns have been out. Yeah separate water guns. Even those are on thin ice the family towel Okay, wait, it's 2019. You can't spend

The extra energy to wash a bunch of towels for your whole family. Yep Detergent is terrible the water he uses terrible the electricity uses terrible family towel one day kids Everybody get underneath this massive towel and let's get dry as a family. We're all gonna go into the arcade Together mm-hmm, and they don't like our wet trunks in there. Do they? They are they don't like our wet family and we're gonna show them that we could be as dry as any other family in there With this huge shared towel Take that Billy Bob's or whatever. It's themed to things everybody in the family likes There's a Paw Patrol corner and a bunch of cigars in the middle. Mm-hmm, and that's for a little brother

That's for my little brother who loves to smoke. I Do I do I love that shit man the big cigarettes Now just it kind of sounds like you're describing potentially like a quilt towel It's a family towel and that's not my trend Travis. It's just what's on trend this year I can't your ears. Can I tell you have a bunch of excuses for it? This is another what's out sand buckets What's in sand suitcases? So we're putting sand in suitcases in 2019 folks. Correct Fucking random is that well, but here's what it is griffin here's what we really will you put sand in buckets?

What are you gonna do when it's time to go home? You're gonna take that might spill out of the bucket, but if you put it in a suitcase and zip that closed keep that sand for next time Mmm. I'll tell you what's out popsicles are out get out of here popsicles. What's in their place? Slopsicles Justin Well, you know how they make a popsicle with some sort of fruit juice typically, uh-huh Slopsicle can get a little bit a little bit sillier than that. I guess like what? Well, let me bring this up savory popsicles. What's going on with these things and they don't okay like a borscht I'm a borscht would be totally totally dope

I'm sitting by the pool and I scoff at it and go sit in my wet chair And I'm beating the heat but I could really use a treat but not a sweet treat a savory savory sort of Chicken stock popsicle a slop sickle if you will now we're cooking with summer gas. I like that Hey, hey mom and dad the newest food trend for your family this summer baked steak. Oh Bake it So the grill and let's throw the grill grill at a well throw it in the pool because you're not gonna need either of these fucking things anymore You don't eat the pool

Grill because your family's gonna be so busy eating baked steak. They're never gonna get wet again You know what else is out out this summer cannibalism. It's out. Yes. Don't stop eating the folks Stop. We had a lot of fun with that in 2018, but it's over now done Listen, we know all the celebrities were into cannibalism in 2018, but they're off it now And we shouldn't have endorsed it on our show last year. I feel terrible folks. It is murder It was always murder even if you're doing free-range farm to table cannibalism. It's still bad still pretty bad So let me go ahead and say I hope this one doesn't turn out like cannibalism, but tank tops are out and stank tops are in Now and I know it seems like I'm just adding s to the just common summer things

But this is a tank top that does already have quite a scent To it. Hey, it's 2019 and this year Nobody with their salt is using wild seagulls to give their pool a beachy feel We all had a lot of fun in 2018 using wild seagulls that we had captured in the wild and then then tied to Lawn chairs to give our pool a beach you feel. We're not doing that anymore Stop doing that. Stop it

Go and tie those birds Drive them back to Myrtle Beach in your car They'll appreciate it and everyone will think you're a hero for returning those birds. You know what else is out? What? Slipping sides Slipping sides are out. You know what's in huh? Gripping stands We're gonna put down some of those like things you put in your shower on your slipping slide You're gonna take a run at it, but then oh good

Plenty of grip there even though the surface is wet and you're gonna stand confidently and finish your beverage Sight gags. Let's deal with it. The hat with two beer cans Pretending to drink from an empty koozie in Very funny this year very funny out shirt that says FBI Federal body inspector in shirt that says FBI Federal Bible Inspector. Oh Yeah, that's in a shirt that says FBI Federal Bureau of Investigation. That's in it's funny songs Let's do it baby shark out adult dog in That's the new that's the new summer anthem adult dog too many beans in not enough beans out

LMFAO out Lylas in LMFAO is back. Oh shit We just let him back in and that's how fast these trends move folks it's a very fast thing the adult dog died out cucumbers in Newcombers now what are newcomers? I assume you come as I just bought Okay, got it. I got a few cumbers in my fridge and they went bad and they got real soft I had to throw them away and then I had to go buy newcomers. Yep. These are Travis's good new cucumbers my newcomers Those are summer trends for 2019. I'm excited. I hope you're excited, but mainly this is an advice show

So we you know what that's what we're gonna be predominantly doing that's still on trend as on trend as it ever has been and in this this time of Change and evolution Some things remain the same and advice is one of those for us Here's a question from you are listening audience if you've got a query that we can help with Please email mbmbam at maximum fun org. I'm a happily married man and right now my wife and I aren't looking to have kids Sometimes however, my wife will watch her friends kids for them She is great with kids and even though I don't feel I am the kids seem to like me too

So much so that they like drawing us pictures Naturally put them on the fridge like a good adult should how long do I keep these pictures on the fridge? I have no emotional attachment to them But I also don't want to hurt their feelings being parents yourselves I figured you would have some insight in the matter. Help me brothers What's the statute of limitations on kids drawings when you don't have kids? That's from coloring calamity in Colorado Springs All right. Yeah, we can take we can tackle this How many if I were to try to count if

I had one American dollar for every piece of paper Printed out that had a drawing of a bug Let's say a caterpillar or a ladybug on it that my little guy had splotched some not even correct color paint Nowhere even close to this fucking bug not even not even touching not even Accidentally getting within the lines even a little bit I could retire from all work and buy the United States and run it like some sort of mad emperor So like I don't if I hung all of these on the fridge the fridge would fall over with the last one

I hang and kill me so like I can't do all of them. It's see Charlie just finished her first year of preschool and so she brought home Treasures almost every day and my wife and I have had this ongoing debate that I feel like I Can tell when she put a lot of heart into a piece and when she was just kind of watching the clock Yes, take down to 130 and she's gonna dip out and be like, I guess I can't finish my don't care Anyway, bye suckers. Bye. Have a nice nap idiots. I'm going home You got to appreciate it to the face, but then the refrigerator. That's daddy's box

That's where daddy keeps his favorite stuff And if it's gonna go up on daddy's favorite box like, you know, I want to I want to know that I want to know the artist had intent. I want to know that my son didn't just sort of splorged some shit down while he was sort of Absent-mindedly just thinking about Pikachu as he is want to do constantly Because he's my wonderful boy, here's the thing question-asker the next time that kid comes your house He's not gonna be like hey, mr. Derrick Where the fuck is my picture like Unless he is unless he's the kind of kid who would do that

Unless he's a real fucking minkus. It's gonna put you on blast I would say but if he comes back and he's like, where is it? Just say I submitted it to the local gallery for consideration. That's good. Oh, that's good No, well, it's not good, but it's something it's something you can try. It's lying to a child. Yeah, I mean, that's what it is Unless you did I've kind of gotten pretty good at just throwing stuff away Secretly, you know that one scene from now you see me where they're like passing the card all around That shit is so cool. Oh my god. Cool. That's me with like bad pictures of rainbows

Just like slip it it like no one's looking. It's behind you. What's that over there to Reyes? I Have also gotten good at that with eating food off of my daughter's plate that she's not going to eat Oh, but also refuses to let me eat. Oh my god. Yeah, I am like the Harlem Globe Trotters Just like taking a little chunk of meat loaf off Henry's plate and like twirling it around his head So he gets dizzy and he's like wait, what where's it? It's gone. Okay. Who cares? And I'm like, yeah, I care. I care about the delicious Trader Joe's meatloaf flavor. I have now Toria's food thieves the Harlem Globe Trotters. Yes Do you guys want a yahoo?

Did we I mean, I don't think here's what I've ended up doing. Okay? Get a big Tupperware thing just to drag get it just the biggest one you can find and then just keep throwing Into it. I'm making is I'm it's a debt that I'm building against my future self But it's not current my problem, but it's not my future problem It's not because one time like four or five years ago our papa Brought me a cardboard box full of my like first grade bullshit and he said I thought you would want this Okay, but he brought you a box of three percent of your first grade bullshit I don't know the box was full. What if you peeked in though? There's no way

To know you think if I had gone through that and I'm like, oh god, this is good. This is so much better than this shit I'm creating now. I like Travis's old shit Yeah, I like like a turkey hand It was a man ever since turkey hand It's all been so fucking downhill like that a lot of stuff was derivative of turkey hand and these days It's just like our live shows Travis bust out turkey hand. It's like. Oh god, man everyone Travis said knock knock dad said who's there and Travis said

knife mm-hmm and Dad said knife who and Travis said would you rather work nightly or nightly a real joke that three-year-old Travis Charles That's and that's all and you've never done anything that good on It's really excellent. It's subverts It's an excellent joke that I'm still laughing about to this day. I memorized it verbatim It's an excellent joke And do you remember when that car was gonna hit me and you lifted it up from the back of the wheels of it like Hancock? When yeah, I try not to do that anymore though. Just cuz they're my back

You know what I was three You were so and you know how fucking cut and handsome you were at five Yeah, you are like just is just a shambling bet mess of bones and skin. I know remember Yes, remember when you wrote the treatment for Hancock Yes, and you sold it and it sat on the blacklist for 20 years But you made like a ton of fucking cash I remember that and I also remember and I don't know why they didn't credit it as based off a true story Like it originally said on the manuscript when I wrote it of like this is my life

I would I've got my oil changed and the place that I get my oil changed at I was started to sit down in like the the hangout area where you wait for your car to be healthy and ready for you again And they did have a TV that was showing Hancock And it mystified me that that was the choice that they had made for film to watch in 2019 in their waiting room So I called a lift and I came home where there was no Hancock Do you want a yahoo? Yes Here's a yahoo that was sent in by Emma camp. Thank you Emma. It's yahoo answers user Cuddle punch who asks

What would a heaven for elephants be like? What would a heaven for elephants be like? Let's get this out of the way peanuts not funny next answer Not not funny. I think that what if in elephant heaven everything was scaled to their size Because like right now if an elephant tried to go into an office building It would just be a fiasco, right the hallways would be too narrow the doors are too small It'd be a mess. Yeah, but this is like a world in which the elephant can get in an elevator You know what I mean and then an elephant an elevator. No, no one makes that joke because it's fucking heaven Griffin for elephants

No, there's probably some elephants that would find that pretty funny. They go to hell. Here's all I'm saying elephant never forgets Okay, and elephant will be in heaven for eternity so an elephant in heaven Is simultaneously living the entirety of existence as it understands it at all times Not only is there an eternity ahead of it

There's an attorney of moments that are in its past that are inescapable. Huh? Yeah, right? Think about that for a second and never forget So probably they would need some way to rectify that I imagine I think elephant heaven is the ability to forget. That's what I'm saying It's like they just want to be able to forget something. Welcome to heaven. Wait, what did you say? That's awesome I'll tell you one thing about tell you one thing that I know for certain about elephant heaven And it's that the clouds have to be extremely thick

Thick clouds they're very very very thick clouds or else these bad boys are just gonna Right through them because of their uh considerable weight thick thick clouds well You know what would be cool is if as eat when you die when you're an elephant Um, which is the saddest thing I can imagine but then you're up and elephant you die when you're an elephant you die in real life Did you know that? I think you get walked into the the Well, it wouldn't be pearl because I think that's a little too close to ivory would be made out of some badass shit that uh elephants like

but elephants uh elephant st Peter or st Peanut is like oh, we're right this way and I'll lead you into elephant heaven and on the way in you have to go through the the border here and the border is um It's just thomas edison and he has his nuts up on a table and you get to step right on them You step right on them as you go in and everybody gets to do one So that's what would be one thing you get is that thomas edison's hell or heaven

Thomas he might be listen We're not here to kink shame anybody. We're you know, it's accepting as the next one, but like That's a pretty intense It's a fun kink, but you can only do it once it seems like well unless that's all right. Yeah, that's a good point That's a good point. Is a groin just reforms and he's ready for a number another rumba if you know what I mean Yeah, uh, yeah, I don't think he would like that. I think that would probably be his hell Do you think that if you're an elephant and you're like sick or getting a little old? And like you suddenly realize that you've just walked to the elephant graveyard. Do you think you're like oh damn it?

And then you die Ah shoot, why did I do I shouldn't have come when think about that like if every time a human being was about the dying We just found ourselves walking towards a cemetery and you're like, oh, well, I guess this is it I'm going this way for some reason. Well bummer I wish I could turn around but uh I guess I'm just like I was walking a quiz nose just kind of lost my train of thought. Nah farts

But then you get to stomp on Tommy Ed's balls and that's pretty righteous for me Shoot man, I'd want that to be mine. I'm not a fan of the gentleman. I would like that waiting for me at the pearly gate I think we all get I mean, we're gonna be up there for a while We have there's time for everything so every week get over there and step on those balls No problem You get a little bulletin slit under your door every week and it lets you know a schedule of who's gonna be there for ball step And then also like you got to be separated into teams So like I'm on the indigo team travis and justin you're both on the blue team

So you get to like share the experience and you guys get to go at 415 And then you do you do get to go stomp on Tommy Ed's balls. It's it's it's always is it always thomas Edison No, there's gonna they're gonna cycle people in and out. Yeah Okay, are they all going to be inventors? Most of them are inventors. Yeah Like the guy who made guns his nuts are dunzo Uh the devil the devil gonna come up there because boy his works are pretty naughty, I think so let me get on those nuts Crap here's another question

I had a party at my house tonight and everyone is left except two people Now I'm laying on the floor waiting for these two people to leave so I can go to bed They said they need some time to sober up, which is understandable We don't want people to drive drunk, but they both just opened another drink. How do I get them to leave? That's from drowsy and denver That's why he just go to bed candy. Can you just go to bed? Just go to sleep? Um Yeah, I mean that's one rude option

I mean Symmetonic didn't do all this work for you not to play their song for people for this exact sin This is this exact sin Such an emulation And what's what's great about that song is not only is it directed to the point like hey It's closing time But it is of such a quality that the more it is repeated the harder it becomes to listen to Like the first time you hear it you get this like nostalgic like oh closing time and then the second time you're like

Oh closing time and then by like the third fourth fifth time you're like I have to get out of here Like it is it is an effective tool Uh as well as being a direct message I can listen. I could hear that track about five times. Yeah before he even started to irritate me though No, I think I would be into it for about the 15 minutes. You're a strong man It's a good fucking track though. It's a great track. Symmetonic's one of semi sonic's best I'd argue. I think you need to bump into them to make the drink spill Because that works for me most of the time and

You're laying on the floor now. So that's gonna be a tricky situation You are gonna have to get up and walk directly over to where they are probably on the couch And wow bumping into somebody while they're sitting on a couch is gonna be pretty tough. I'm not gonna lie to you Uh, maybe our earthquake Can you simulate an earthquake or say you have vertigo and just sort of spilled right into their four locos or whatever? Call them an uber maybe but that's expensive Hmm call them names No, I don't think you want to be mean turn on

Some tv show that you're watching right now to the episode that you're watching, right? Oh, that's good That would get me to leave any right. Oh my god. Yes. Somebody turns it on and they're like, uh, what are you watching? Watching and it's like, oh, this is season four episode three of damages I'm like, okay Goodbye I don't want to you know the first three seasons a change of damages to be spoiled for me So i'm gonna just go ahead and go I might I might have watched damages I would leave a room where rufus from bill and ted was reading winning lotto numbers

If it was playing a tv show that I had not seen in the middle of the series Hands down no matter what no matter what the show is. I may never watch it doesn't matter Might never watch it like me and that's boys. That's why I said damages The thing is is like I know myself well enough to know that there is no show on earth that they're a zero percent chance I might accidentally sunday start watching. Yeah, I don't get nasty That habit I was on an airplane and the person next to me was watching an episode of lucifer and I thought All right, and I've since watched three seasons of lucifer. See that's how they get you. Yes They they see the people all over airplanes to watch it glin close is gonna get me when I'm not watching with her damages

She'll do that to me the thumbnail for damages on the amazon app I will go there and watch my americans show or my mr. Robot and then the whole time it's gonna be like Hey, we recommend damages and damages has a woman's face only it's cracked in half And peeking out in the chasm there is glin closest face and she's given a shh And so in my mind, which has never absorbed any damages whatsoever This is the scariest show imaginable. This is where glin close nests inside of your brain and smashes through your face It's like some sort of hr gear creation. So you have picked up some of it I guess I've seen some there's some I guess I have yes

I feel like scandal scandal's been trying to get me for years Scandal has been like laying like there's boxes popped up on sticks with like treats underneath them for me That are just labeled scandal. They're all over my house. Yeah scandal will get you too. Hey, let's take a brief Uh pause can we do that to go head on over to the uh the money's in sure? Uh, sure. Yes Hey, Justin, what's a trap? What's a website that you use frequently? Uh, a website I use frequently. Um eBay ebay. All right. Well, why don't you start ebay 2 the newer better version of ebay? What's stopping you? Nothing, I guess. Thank you. That's a really good point. Okay Maybe use squares. Wait, I did think of one thing. I thought of one day

I the uh, I don't know how to make one. Oh, okay. Why do you should mention that? Um, oh, I'm seeing here in the copy Just is uh that uh one of our sponsors is square space Using squares. Yeah, you can use it to build a website like ebay 2 Or fuck this is a good commercial I couldn't hear Griffin over the sound of him signing up for squares Yeah He's going to use it to showcase your showcases work using on like instagram too or promote your physical or online business Like ebay 2 or announce an upcoming event or special project

Uh like fire festival too. Um and square space does this by giving you beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers powerful e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online and everything optimized for mobile right out of the box Analytics that help you grow in real time and 24 7 awards winning customer support Make us stand out stand out with a beautiful website from square space so Head to go to or check out square space dot com slash my brother for a free trial And when you're ready to launch use the offer code my brother all one word to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain I just want to take everyone inside the the show for a second in the

The there's sometimes there are certain sentences you have to say in these ads And in the in the ad here, they're called a call to action and in the square space call to action It's head to slash go to slash check out square space dot com slash my brother and tram is just Do them all I couldn't pick one let you the listener kind of sort through I couldn't pick one just choose your own call to action. You know, maybe you like to head to stuff Maybe you like to go to stuff. Maybe you like to check out stuff I don't want to make that decision for you. I try to say check out. You're like, I've never checked out anything in my life How dare you sir?

I'll head there, but certainly not check it out. I might go to if the circumstances are correct I just got an email that a very special box is coming my way and that box is going to be full of Huntsome clothes that are going to look slick on my bod And that is because I am a user of stitch fix And I think everybody should be because you get really nice looking stuff You can expand your sort of style palette if you want and it's exciting to get these boxes And then if you don't like what's in the box, you know, you only like a few things you only pay for the stuff you keep It's really really slick and you also have a personal stylist

It's going to help you like figure out like what looks good on you Uh and and they have all kinds of good clothing brands and it's super easy and super fun We all have a bunch of stitch fix. I think I'm wearing let me see and we're in a stitch fix shirt right now It's a handsome button down Uh dark blue oxford with some pineapple or pine What are the palm trees on it? So that looks good summertime. I'm wearing a palm tree stitch fix shirt too Ah shit. Whoa so it's good shirt and the clothes are great and uh

Shipping and exchanges and returns are always free. So get started today at stitch fix dot com slash my brother and get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box. That's stitch fix dot com slash my brother one last time stitch fix dot com slash my brother Well, like this we got big news. Uh-oh season one done. It's over season two coming at you hot three years after All right All right, I know it listen here. Can I pet your dog? This is a shit podcast our seasons run for three and a half years And then in season two we can match you with new hot co-host named you. Hi. I'm alexis I'm a field trip dog tech. Yeah dog news dog news celebrity guests

Oh big shots will not let them talk about their resume. Nope only the dogs only the dogs I mean if ever you were gonna get in to can I pet your dog now it's the time get in here every tuesday at maximum fun dot org I have a yaku here. Can I read? Oh, what did you do? No, thank you. Did you want to do a question? No, I wanted to do one of my patented bits. I do it then. What's stopping you? Well, okay Well, I I just don't like to interrupt with them. I feel like that was really irritating everybody So I stopped trying to interrupt with them. Who's that irritate? I mean, I we were the people you interrupted and I thought it was Did it

I want a I want to Nailed it Do I'm so excited to Got me Still on the farewell tour for munch squad As we continue to sunset this great bit

But before the sun goes down sun's coming up because it's summertime and I've got two great ice cream related news For you the people The first up is a quick hit of munch squad jr. If you will Uh, baskin robbins has stranger things inspired flavors who for Ego waffle waffle Very good griffin 11's heaven is a waffle cone flavored ice cream with chocolate coated sugar cone pieces And chocolate icing flavored ribbon

So that's called 11's heaven because the character on that show Is fictional and lost waffles. Can I guess one there's up? I guess one. Yeah Dead person dead Dead team very dead team. No very close upside down pralines Chocolate ice cream with praline pecans and chocolate caramel flavored ribbon. I don't know why that's from the upside down. Yeah What's thematically? How does that? I don't understand. We're not we're not done The press release here says

Um, because after all even demogorgons love ice cream. No, fuck you They don't Here's the items that they have because it's not just about flavors. It's about it's about items And some of these are just stuff. Okay, so there's an upside down sundae There's a demogorgon sundae. Hey, all right There's bryer's house lights pauler pizza ice cream treat. Shit. Yes. What? Yes. You can't say like an object That is an ice cream in your ice cream name Byers house lights pauler pizza ice cream treat. What?

Byers house lights pauler pizza ice cream If it was just pauler pizza ice cream, that would be a lot remember when run remember when Hey 90s kids remember when Remember when on owner rider hung up a bunch of lights to contact the ghost of a dead son in the demon dimension Well, good news. We done made a polar pizza about it. Come on down to vascular ovens uss butterscotch quarts What you have watched every episode of this show. No fucking idea. I no fucking idea 11 aid freeze 11 aid because fuck it. Fuck it all

We're done. We're we're we're sitting in this show into the fucking ground Exclusive stranger things merchandise including a one-of-a-kind steve funko figure. All right Now, okay What they mean is a funko figure of the character steve Well, what they have done is combined two words a very close close proximity to make the name steve funko Which sounds like the owner of the company um, there's a There's also collectible containers

We wanted to give fans a taste of the new season stranger things and are thrilled to partner with netflix to give customers across the country And experience straight out of falcons indiana Whether you love the show that says carol austin vice president of marking for baskin robbins Whether you love the show or just love some seriously delicious ice cream creations We've got something for everyone because those are the two kinds of people that are on earth Uh, and that is that was supposed to be much quite junior, but it's so wild. I don't think I have time to do the other one Um, which is perhaps wild. Well, I gotta hear it, but keep it tight Dairy queen has unveiled a line of of box of happy subscription box

Box of happy Listen to this because it's really challenging dq box of happy dot com You go there. You know, you know how dairy queen's a place that has chicken tenders and blizzards, right? Uh-huh. Okay. Well, now it's a place where in partnership with coca-cola You can get a summertime subscription to three different boxes of happy and in the box of happy Oh my god

It's three months of summer themed kits Each bringing to life a quintessential seasonal activity with a delicious twist quote Although subscription boxes are hugely popular today's families are seeking unique experiences instead of more stuff so What maria, uh, hookinson the executive vice president of marketing at american dairy queen corporation is saying Um, is that people do love the boxes But they hate that the boxes are full of things that would be of use to them that they would want to keep in their house

So what you're gonna do is you're gonna give them 45 dollars for a subscription that will only last three months definitely And in the let's just use the june camp inbox as an example It's got a built-in foe non flammable campfire. I'll decide what's on the side. It's flammable Exactly right everything's flammable if you try hard enough It's a non flammable campfire designed to work with a smartphone to create a warm glow And crackling sounds of a real summer bonfire

I can't I can't imagine any version of what you just described that isn't tremendously shitty. That isn't extremely extremely shitty There's a d and there's also a d q camp in shadow puppet storybook and two flashlights Create handmade critters and imagine stories I'm doing it yourself. Shut up Thank you dq A ten dollar dq gift card to try the june blizzard in the month now the arc of this Parent of the year award goes to this guy that said hey kids, good news today. We're gonna sit around a fake campfire

It's powered by daddy's phone And then when you get part of that you'd say you hate me and you want to go back to mom's house I do have a ten dollar dairy queen gift certificate to you So we will just bail daddy shines the flashlight daddy shines the flashlight on this page It makes the shadow of let's see here dilly bar dug on the wall I don't know what the fucking dilly bar dug is dad This book sucks and you suck dilly bar is ron It's that no it's that please

And so look at that it's the shadow of blizzard bill i'm walking i'm walking to mom's house Mom's new friend kyle makes his own shadow puppets and he doesn't have to buy him from an ice cream store He can do a fucking monarch butterfly with one hand dad This is the july box is a waterproof box that opens to reveal a built-in twisting sprinkler In the box In the box Don't care for that

Oh man, I just can't believe I can't believe it includes a splashdown activity book How many other ways are there to moisten? Like children in a play setting it's it's out of control Out of control, but anyway, you can get that Uh, you uh derek queen is not part of the equation in in the obtaining of this It is literally just you go to dq box a happy you subscribe and I guess you have to come in to redeem your um Redeem your gift certificate man. Happy tastes good Happy do taste it tastes good though

Uh every yahoo here a bunch of people send in thank you everybody. It's yahoo answers user walton who asks How do I get a better grip on popcorn? I have an issue where I drop popcorn all over myself and it's especially embarrassing in movie theaters When I first met my wife, I would always avoid eating popcorn around her and say I'm not hungry even if I was Oh, that's so sad. It's pretty sad. I don't know who is scratching hunger itches with popcorn though I feel like that's why the concession stands uh sort of Huskier options like a hot dog are available

But that's obviously not the main crux of the question. It's that popcorn is very very hard to eat The I mean the irony is like if you eat one piece of popcorn at a time It's no problem, but it is also the most unfulfilling eating experience on earth Yeah, I need at least six to seven kernels at a time. I need to yeah, I need to ruin this bag But I keep dropping them and they do fall on my pants and penis where Then the butter makes things that makes people think that I've done it Down there. Just put your put your face in the hole of the popcorn

Yeah Just put your face in the hole Put your face in the hole. Just put it put your face in the hole. So wait put your face in the hole That's what I'm saying. Just put your face in the popcorn hole. Oh No, I and if people look at you funny. Just look I'm like I'm trying to avoid making a mess I'm trying to be hygienic here over here. But then while you're talking the popcorn falls Your mouth lanes still on the pants penis and then it's horrible horrible embarrassment What if you get a piece tucked up in your glasses that way juice?

Oh I don't wear glasses. I have perfect beautiful vision. What about in your nose? You got a nose, don't you? You're saying if I get popcorn stuck in my nose, what respite will I have? Is that what you're saying to me? Is that what you're asking me a 38 year old man? Let me ask you this about your fucking great plan, Justin Do I need do I have to take my glasses off to do this because I how it because follow up question How do I see a dog's purpose on the screen? Put your face in the bucket

Dear liza Glory to god, you just put your face in the bucket. Do I take my glasses? Yes answer the fucking if you're wearing glasses I would say go eat some carrots and grow up Wow Now how do I eat the carrots without embarrassing myself? Justin Put your face in the bucket of carrots and what if I get a carrot stuck in my glasses Now that doesn't make any sense Travis. You're you're trying to do a joke. I have very tight glasses I have very tight glasses

That's what I tell everybody when they ask me the number one thing about you I say tight tight glasses that that has good carrot grip They touch tight glasses wet chairs. Yes totally in They touch his eyeball meat and he likes it like that. Yes Not not contacts Don't confuse it for content. It is just very close to the eyeball Keeps the eyeball in glasses. Can I can I can I invent something? Sure Can I invent something right here right now? Do you need to stand back? Yeah

Give me give me some room to breathe here because you're cramping me a little bit. Sorry like tight glasses What about a big popcorn spoon that you can bring into theaters with you? And it's it would be ladle like so that when you lift it from the popcorn bucket, you know What's going on in there? You can scout it out You can figure out the angles and get the perfect amount of corn with each scoop and then you bring it up to your mouth and You know tuck it tuck into it there and this is like a halfway point between Justin's sort of monstrous wild beastial suggestion and um

You know a good suggestion I think travis will agree with me and that and that's garbage right Jeff. It's close now. What do you what do you think about this? A popcorn shovel Okay, and it's kind of vaguely spoon-shaped and you use the popcorn shovel to just pile the popcorn into your mouth What do you think about that now if I may Justin? That is garbage alone But if you include a popcorn funnel to go with the popcorn shovel Now you're turning this into a fucking double dare challenge in a while about it. Yeah, so like and maybe maybe

The popcorn. Okay. Here's what you need. Hey folks buckle in this is just become a two person operation You have the light just let me finish griffin You have the popcorn funnel on an apparatus that it has positioned above your head You have a plant you have a compatriot of some kind sitting in the row behind you. They're slightly raised They have the popcorn shovel They will shovel into the funnel for you while you look up and the and then it funnels Into your face from there I had such a good thing and you guys are trampling all over it. Okay, griffin. What about smaller popcorn?

You call them shredoms. Yeah, just tiny Oh, man shredoms would eat the butter up so much better. Yes. Holy shit shredoms would be tight trap. Yes Are we talking about big popcorn that we have put in a food processor for approximately 0.2 seconds or The corn kernels themselves were smaller when they got baby popcorn. Yes. We take baby corn We throw this motherfucker in the microwave Now now we're killing it. Yes. This is why like if you looked at it up close You'd be like, oh, that's normal popcorn and then you're like zoom out idiot and then you zoom out You're like, whoa, shit. That's very tiny compared to that quarter. You've put next to it

Those are kernels of popcorn sitting on You know the surface sands of a desert and then you pan out and you realize that's my hand And that's how little these guys are. Yes Oh, little popcorn would be good I would still like my spoon to be in there somewhere, but little popcorn is really good guys and what's good about little little pop Yeah, little pop what's good about it You could do my second invention with it, which is the popcorn tube And with this you could it turns it into a game because you can kind of siphon

You could siphon baby corn off of you know, your neighbor or other people sitting in front of you Like a powerful elephant trunk and then we can make a game out of it And you get a certain number of points by how much micro corn you you snooch. Oh, okay. Are you ready for this now? We've well, we've put out micro corn tiny corn's been out for a long time now, right? Maybe like 20 years But now we're starting to get complaints of like I have to eat so much of it before I feel full right now We introduce giant corn And one popped kernel is gonna like sit like that's a handful is one helmet

It's a helmet that you wear and the person you're way out of They'll know the person sitting behind you gets to enjoy it. Yes. So um, and then after 20 years of that people are like Well, yes, this is a lot and then you're like, here's a regular popcorn and then you reintroduce popcorn classic I'm a genius. Would you do seeming like how like what? Like remember this popcorn shovel that people used to hear back when it was just regular plain old boring popcorn For our popcorn hats that we ate off our neighbors It had a secret lives of pets too logo Each girl. Oh, okay

That's that's badass, man Now I'm on it. Okay. I'm back on board now Well, I just think that I just think that your fun thing for me and my kids. So like branded shovels Yeah And here's one thing I've got is your special Secret lives of pets to ear plugs that you can wear So you are not distracted by the sound of the person sitting behind you eating your hair hat basically Now you're right, but you won't be able to hear the film that way

No, it plays through the headphones place through the headphones and maybe you're just watching it on your own private screen Like you have just like a smaller screen in your hand So that way you could ignore all the popcorn eating going on around you I have a question for you guys Okay, if I'm if I'm dq box of happy order number 1 2 2 3 Does that mean that only 1,222 other people have done this insane thing? Can that be right so many people?

It's so many. I think how do people even hide out about it? I kind of expected more more or less I don't know. It definitely wasn't that number. That number is definitely not what I had in mind Yeah, you expected it's 2019. So you expected either 500,000 Or three right one of the two. Yeah, I hear you What if you just corn on the cob Popcorn on the cob is great. No not popped Oh Just well just just raw corn on the cob do it yourself popcorn

uncooked unshucked I have a secret air fryer I live in an apartment with two other girls and the house shares most things tv dishes game consoles Et cetera, but recently I bought an air fryer and I don't want to share it I've used it once home alone and smells very strongly of food So much so that using it in my room might be a hit that I have it Should I just suck it up and share? How do I better hide that I have this in my room? Have you all noticed that once a week it smells like chicken in the house?

Have you ever noticed vicky smells like chicken in a room and you open the door and You see a flash of blanket and then there's just this rectangular smoking object in the middle of a floor It burns down every time You can't hide an air fryer It's an electrified stink maker is what you oh that that's my really terrible humidifier It's a bad broken humidifier that I bought Why can't you share your fabulous fried goods with everybody else? Did you get burned in some other appliance? Like did they you share game consoles?

Did they like delete your witcher save and now you're all all upset about it? Because I can pretty much promise you that they're not going to delete your air fryer safe I don't think you're gonna lose your progress on air fryer Maybe one of the roommates is like a real food experimenter Like I tried to make s'mores in the toaster and I think yeah, but you ruined the toast And so maybe they're worried like you tried to air fry like an ice cream sandwich you destroy What were you fucking thinking you ruined my air fryer? It's just seasoning it. You're just seasoning it everything is a little bit of the story

Of this air fryer and it all adds to the flavor. That's an air fryer's purpose That's the new movie that I've been writing about the life of an air fryer when it was adopted by a young boy And then it ends up being used by 16 generations with the same family I haven't seen a dog's purpose, but I assume that that's I would never guess Yeah, you have to imagine when one robot dog works its way to become inhuman by replacing one part at a time Yeah, until it finally receives a boner from the good doctor Dr. Dr. Dr. Light is Mega Man X6 The boner one there's a boner

But people in shorthand online communities will call it the boner one. I do kind of love the idea. I will say this I love the idea that You know kitchen counter space is always so limited I love that one of my roommates would take it upon themselves to to save that counter space And uh, just keep it in their room. I do like that part of it. That's kind of you I will say if if I had a roommate who said you can use it, but you have to come ask me every time Uh spoiler, I'd never use it Fair yes, let me let me pitch this. It's another of my great inventions

And this will be like my own seasoning sort of like old bay Uh, just like a new sort of blend And when you put it on food, it makes it taste just like rancid shit And then you can you you can cook you you say hey, I got this new air fryer. You cook it for your Roommates, but you do season it with griffin special stuff And then when they eat it, they're like wow this tastes so bad and you're like, hmm I guess the air fryer sucks And then they won't want to use it because of the bad taste I put on it with my powder

I see I mean, I guess here's the thing griffin. I'm having a hard time coming up with jokes because that's such a good idea And then there's other uses for for griffin's rancid shit powder is like, uh, uh prank against a school bully Uh-huh Convince your dog not to eat something convince your dog may keep a hand tongue off for the doggie prank against the school principal Justin, what would you use griffin's rancid shit powder on? What would you put it on?

Tiny popcorn. Well, what yeah, here's the thing. There's definitely got people drink my lord There's definitely some people who would want to eat griffin's rancid shit powder. It's not made out of actual shit It's synthetic Chemical I would not make people eat poop as a joke It is because that's a crime, but I you would make you would make them eat it as a bet, right? No, no It's not poop. It's not poop. But yeah, but the principal Oh my god I hate him so much

And uh, I would love it if what his lunch could have a bad stink on it. Here's the thing. He's so uptight He's so uptight man Yeah, and you know what before you feel bad about it. He's been embezzling from the school I just want to I didn't want anybody right against saying like I'm a principal and someone made me eat rancid shit powder And I felt terrible about it for days like well, you're probably not an embezzler. So it's probably fine Justin what else would you do with my shit powder? Uh, I that folks this has been a great episode my brother my brother me an advice show for the modgen era We hope you've enjoyed yourself as much as we have

Uh, we've we've had uh, so much fun this week. Um a quick announcement if you are in the area I think we still have some tickets if you want to come see us in indianapolis Or nashville and here in like a week and a half or so or rather a week and a half couple couple days Because this is going up on monday. Correct. Yeah, so that'll be what the What the tenth so here like five days? We're gonna be at uh in nashville be at the ryman on june 14th and 15th That's the adventure zone of mobin band respectively then june 16th. We're gonna be in in anapolis at claus memorial hall um

And that's june 16th. You can get tickets at bit.ly forward slash become the monster and uh, we got a bunch of other shows up there Uh, we're doing a book tour this july and then we got a bunch more shows you can go buy tickets for um, a lot of them have sold out So if you haven't bought tickets yet, uh, please Uh, come and come and do so. We'd love to see you and also, uh, we are actually adding two more adventure zone stops on the On the the grand cross country trip that we're taking We are going to be doing taz In san diego during a common con at the balboa theater on saturday july 20th Uh, and then we are adding a show uh in washington dc at the constitution hall

And that's gonna be wednesday september 25th Both of those are going to be taz shows and tickets for those go on sale this friday june 14th at uh, noon Local time local to where the shows are taking place. So uh, don't don't sleep on those either We've got merch you go check out the merch Yeah, there's new merch. There's a don't do a hit pin there's uh There's one bean juice mugs are still available if you could just please for the love of god Just please we bought so many you bought one for someone you love and they got it and they loved it

And maybe you accidentally knock it off the counter and it breaks and you gotta buy a new one Huh? Have you noticed you don't see people talking about bean juice as much as they do about other classic my brother my brother my big Yeah, us too. Yeah, and we bought so many of these fucking bugs you didn't really catch fire the way Well, we were uh, financially anticipating Forecast isn't great So maybe you know, maybe we need to start like a hashtag save bean juice We're like you buy mugs and you send it to network executives to save bean juice

Uh, don't explain it to i'm don't explain to mbc why you sent him a bunch of bean juice mugs But that might be the key to saving bean juice So thanks to john roger in the long winters for the user team song into departure off the album putting the days to bed Great great great stuff there and thanks to max when fun for having us all them great shows too at max when fun.org And if you haven't already pre-order book two of the adventure zone graphic novel murder on the rockport limited It comes out uh mid july. I think the 16th or 17th something like that You can go to the adventure zone comic dot com and pre-order that now. What are you waiting for go? Uh, here's our final yahoo. This one was sent in by uh, joseph. Thank you joseph. It's yahoo answers user

Sorry, something's gone wrong. Uh, i'm going to call them Uh cragamy asks It has been revealed today that kelsey grammar is going to be the new doctor who? Why don't you just I'm griffin mackleroy. This has been my brother. My brother me kiss your dad school We're on the lips You Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported