My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 465: It’s Definitely Chodezilla

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

Catching the brunt of cold and flu season, which might be happening right now, we haven’t checked? Sounds like you need to up your daily intake of Vitamin Cheese. GOTTA get that good stuff in your bones. Suggested talking points: BO Doctors, The Fussy Man, Weed Boy, Birthday Role-play, Donuts and to the Left, Pigland, Shaqaroni

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. And I, as always, am your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. Yeah, it's Griffin.

You're probably wondering how Griffin got here. God stepped on a dang bear trap again. Folks, bad news. Kind of a slow start to the summer blockbuster season, men in black, international, disappoints. So far it's pulled in 32 domestic 73 milo. That's not a lot. That's not a lot. That's not a production budget of 110 milo. Of course, you got to remember 50% of that is going to go back to the studios. They got to clear 220 just to kind of get a little green bread. How's Dark Fino doing? Dark Fino, big disappointment on that front. We're talking about so far,

205 milo domestic on a unknown budget, but probably high. What about Godzilla? Godzilla, no dollars. It's a huge disappointment. It's not out for two more days, but Toy Story 4, I'm going to go ahead and call it shit sales. We're tired of it. Tired of it. Are they toys? Are they people? Do they have souls? Are they ghosts? Do they make love? What's the deal? We're tired of it. We just want to be done with them. We thought we were done with them. Rocketman's okay. Rocketman's doing okay. 66 milo on a 40 milo budget. Blasting off. Not great, but blasting off. How's J. Wick 3? J. Wick 3, of course, huge sales. Everyone's

crazy about J. Wick 3. Are movies done? Are movies done? Well, not yet, Trav, because we have good news. We, the box office doctors, Dr. B. O., they call us Dr. B. O., and we're here to break it home. Let's be clear, we find that name. We do not like that name. It's tasteless. It's a tasteless name, but we are here to try to save. We want to save this movie going season. Avengers, it did fine. That means a lot of money. I want to fire up this year in movie making to get some real big grosses in the theater. I'm going to hit you guys with this, Avengers Endgame 2. What is that? What does that look like when they make that one, Travis? Oh, what would that movie look like? Yeah, tell me now. I have a pitch, but I want to pitch you guys on this. All the heroes die.

A bunch of regular ass people died, and the movie skips over that. What Avengers Endgame 2 has the bravery to say is, let's luxuriate. Let's just enjoy the lack of lines at Target, and let's get down deep into the muck and mire and see what it's like when all those people died for a bit. Yeah. So, Avengers Endgame 2 is about the benefits. If the lines are shorter at Target, that's more time for drama. And that's all I'm saying is that you don't have to have, you know how every movie has 20 minute long scenes where people are in line at Target? This movie has the courage to skip those and just give you more of the character action you crave. Aladdin, what if you made a cartoon of that one? Sure. Let's get it out there. I have a pitch for kind

of a different take on Godzilla. See, everybody makes that Thunder Lizard real big, right? Real tall. But what if he was real wide? Okay. So this is wide, Godzilla. Instead of being like 100 feet tall and 20 feet wide, he's 20 feet tall and 100 feet wide. And I'm not saying round. I'm not saying round. And let me step in here because I've already, Travis, I've got the marketing team on the phone and they are saying, what is it? Are you, are you absolutely certain? Okay. Chodzilla. I don't think so. And I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah, but that's what they came up with down in marketing. Yeah, down market recent. Maybe I misheard it because I get weird static. No, it's definitely Chodzilla. Yeah, that's pretty good. I like Godzilla.

Chodzilla. The load is wide. The coast is sourced. Yes. Pretty good. Pretty good. Actually, wait, no, the marketing team didn't like that. They didn't like that. Yeah, they think it clashes with Chodzilla. I don't even know what that means. I don't think words can clash. I have another one too, because they just brought out Shaft. Another Shaft. Okay. Maybe instead, another Shrek. Shrek two. I think it's time for us to finally do it. What's he been doing in the swamp? Who's he, who's he dating? Who's he? I think we might be on Shrek eight at this point. No, I know. This is the reboot of Shrek two. Travis, they were going to reboot Shrek one. And I called them. I said, it's the perfect movie. Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, Camerendi as,

and the third rock guy, both gals in it. He's got the heat, and it's got a dragon, and the dance scene, and Puss in Boots is in two. And that's where it stopped making sense for me. So we're going to reboot two. No Puss in Boots in this one. Just a lot of Shrek and Fiona kissing for long periods of time. And they do wait in the target line for a little bit. And then it's just right back to kissing while Donkey says things like, Hey guys, the movie's going. Should we be having some sort of dragon adventure or shoot? You're still kissing. Can I hit you with you? Travis, I want to hit you with something that you're going to love. Please don't. That would hurt. Rocket Man two. Yes. Except it's a sequel to the 1997 Rocket Man starring Harlan Williams.

It's released so closely to the other one people are going to assume. And maybe for the trailer, you play a little bit of like Elton John music. Oh, that's great. We could also just take the original cut of Rocket Man and maybe remaster it a bit, you know, take it to Weta and get them to touch it up here and there. And we play all the Elton John songs over it. So we could have like Goodbye Yellow Brick Road in that one scene where he farts so much that space dude explodes. Yes. Oh, you know what would be funny is if it was like like a candle in the breaking wind. So we could have him do parody stuff. How about how about people in black, Pibb? That could be fun. Or people in whatever.

People in clothes. Yes. That's people in clothes. But the problem is that we can't do any nudes in that one. No, not yet. You save that for number two and you call it people in clothes, twos. And it's the number two DE twos. And then that's people. That's the sequel. There's nudity. Fantastic. It's policy nudity. Pokemon bus driver Pikachu. Okay, you can put any job in there and just make it different. He doesn't have to be a detective. Pokemon assassin Pikachu. That's what the games are basically. Oh, someone's trying to enjoy suds and buds. Who's that cracking one? I was it's it's a. Oh, cracking a BL orange. Yeah, dude. We can't have this.

That's what I call Hollywood fuel. That's what keeps the wheels spinning, baby. It's a Coca Cola zero orange vanilla. Nice. I've got it. A prequel. Pokemon unemployed Pikachu. Stop it. And it's just Pikachu going through the one ads, going in for interviews, not quite making it through the interview because he is a Pokemon. Hey, guys, at what point there I want to go inside the bit at what point during this bit did you pivot from this is going pretty good to we've never been funny and we'll never be funny again. I'm not there. You're not there yet because that is sort of the panic that I'm experiencing over on this and that did prompt me to pop open a cold one. See if I can reinvigorate the brain cells

with a little bit of Coke zero. How about I've got it. I guys, I've got it. To two popular movies that could be more popular. Okay, you ready for this? I call it. Thank God for you. Book Dumbo inability to see within and to see without. See, it's not a book smart. They're book dome, but also instead of because then they're applying elephant who like three books. I'm all I'm all I'm all ego over here. I'm all deep within my own consciousness, contemplating my irrelevant as I cat, you know, hurdle towards 40. I feel like my best work is behind me and Travis show yam. And it's about a it's about a yam with magic powers. Oh my God, Justin, they're getting worse,

man. No, see now I'm in Carvel and it's about an ice cream store that's also a super here. He's brought me back in. How do I get my coworkers to genuinely leave me alone before I've had my morning coffee? How do I? How do I ask them to back off until I had a good 300 milligrams of caffeine in me without sounding like an overused caption on a corporate coffee cup? And that's from cranky coffee consumer in Colorado. That's gonna be tough, right? Because if you're like, Hey, please just leave me alone. I haven't had my coffee. The nice one. Yeah, I get it. So anyways, what did you do last night? No, I I really hate you. Please don't. I need this to talk to you.

You've got to start having your coffee earlier. This is good. You can't. You got to be up before anybody. You can't risk this. This is apparently a very real situation for you. You have to be up before in the morning cranking beans. Well, but Justin, there you are cranking those beans and somebody's just going to get into your house to talk to you before that happens. They smell the beans are grinding and they're like smashed into the window. Pretty soon they'll start talking to you the night before. You know what I mean? And then what, Justin? You're just going to crank your beans in bed in front of God and everybody. Come on. What a mess. Tell me where I can crank my beans. I don't even know if it's safe to crank your beans these days in this economy.

What's great about this is it's a self-fulfilling idea because if you do start saying to your coworkers any sort of amalgamation of, please don't, I can't with you right now, Barbara, because I haven't had my good brown bean juice yet. There's a beverage I have to have in order for me to even listen to the dumb shit you say every day. If you say that to a person, great news. They'll never come talk to you again. If you have your coffee or don't, you will be the mean office person. You can have your coffee from the luxury of your home because you will be unemployed. Yeah, just get the coffee sooner. I really don't know. You can't value people less than a good hot bean juice. You know what I mean? It seems rude. What you have

to communicate to them is you're showing them respect and caring and nurturing by saving them from you pre-bean juice. Correct. Does that make sense? You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people. If you want to be an efficient caregiver in any sort of setting, you have to have achieved your coffee earlier than that. I wake up before everyone in my house and the first thing I do is start drinking coffee is the first thing I do. When they wake up, they don't know that man, that lonely man that walks the halls and lurks in the shadows because they never meet him. He's only up from 6.45 to 6.55 while he makes his gel. That's the fussy man. We don't talk about the fussy man in this household. We don't speak of the fussy man.

Nobody ever goes in. I think you could play that out even more and just build up a whole, tell your coworkers, I'd love to stop and talk, but I have to take this coffee to go kill the fussy man and then leave. Do you want to make an appointment with me or do you want to talk to the fussy man? That's it. Because he is here currently and he's got my office. I have an idea. Do you want to hear an idea? Yes. You put a sign up that says this cubicle or office or whatever it is has been entered into a co-working office sharing program. I Dillon, who everybody knows and loves, will be sharing an office with a man named Gustav who does not understand our business and is not to be shared proprietary information with Gustav. Then every morning when you go to

work, you have a kind of festive bowler and maybe a monocle and some sort of mustache. I don't know exactly the get up. It's got to be something you could apply every day. Some spirit glue and a Gustav. A little bit of spirit. A Gustav skin mask. Something. Yeah, you see Mission Impossible. And anyway, Gustav, he is the one who drinks the coffee. He's the one the coffee is gone. He loves coffee. Right. Yes. Yes. He's a coffee taster is what he does for a living. He's using this co-working thing to get out of the house. After he's done, he goes into a broom closet and dies. Dies every day. And then who comes out? It's you looking fresh and ready for the day. And you've killed Gustav again. Until Gustav climbs back into your body while you're asleep.

Shit, Gustav. Gustav's such a messy little fuck. I love him. What happens when your co-workers and your boss start to like Gustav better? That is a huge, they're not going to. He's a fucking dick. But you know what? People like that bad boy sometimes, Justin. If people like the bad boy, your problem is solved. They love you no matter what. Yeah. Get on some backstrom shit. You could do like I do when people try to talk to me about serious stuff before I've had coffee and just cry a little bit. Just cry a little bit, and then they'll probably go find something else to do. Tell me you're having a really hard time right now. It's probably true. Do you want a Yahoo? Yes, please. I got one sent in by Emily.

Thanks, Emily. It's Yahoo Answers user Sayana who asks, what's your weed whacking style like? Whoa. Do you use barely enough gas to cut the weeds? Or are you one of those people that really goes for it? Huh. You know, I've never really thought about it before, but I guess mine's pretty whimsical. Oh, yeah, I would say so. I would say so. I like to stand in one place and kind of swing around in a circle to kind of, I like to make hairs. This is my thing. Don't tell anybody, okay? I like to make patterns in the yard that make it look like aliens are blended. I like to cut Spider-Man in my yard. Nice. How much gasoline do you use? Six. Six or seven. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, man, I have to get some tips from you. I

usually use like 12 and a half. Yeah. Well, I only do half the yard. The rest, yeah, the Spider-Man's a pretty light lift. Just what's your weed whacking style? I have a boy. You what? I have a boy. Like a neighborhood youth? A neighborhood youth. Okay. I have a boy for that job. How do you contact the boy when you need him? He's there when I need him. He just knows? He checks the weeds. He says, Dr. McElroy, I haven't told him a lot about my life. I need to keep him at a distance because I don't trust him. And I say, he says, Dr. McElroy, your weeds are in need of whacking. I say, well, boy, you know the cure for that. You know the prescription? Here's $3. No. And then the boy whacks the weeds for me. No, Justin. You have a lawnmower, right?

Right. Yeah. You have a lawnmower. What's the weed whacker for? For weeds. Yeah. Drama. Drama. That's it. And it's for drama and to sell filament. That's it. That's it. People want to get down and chop their dirt up and kill some worms because it's a perversion. And I let the boy, I let the boy treat his dark passenger to some more murder. He makes $3 off the deal. I never have to hear about this business ever again. It's got to be more than $3 though, right, juice? Four, five. Yes. Okay. Fine. Yes. All right. Two ghosts. Where's the third one to tell me about how I need to give more dollars to the weed whacking boy? I'll buy his family a turkey. How's that sound? Let him whack that turkey. I'm gonna get myself a goat. Pay him $3. Justin,

this neighborhood youth, what would you say his weed whacking style is? The weed boy. The weed boy. What is his sort of, what's his weed whacking style? If I have to spend a single second contemplating weeds and I'm including this time here, then the $3 is wasted. I never want to think about weeds and there need to be whacked again ever. And I've, I have the luxury of the boy who comes to my house to whack the weeds for me. You can't even give him a five or Justin, you'd rather make change. I know you Justin. I know your soul. I have seen the fucking dark heart of you and I know the anxiety that dwells within you because it's in my blood too. It's in all our blood. So I know that you have definitely had the thought of how much do I pay this person

for doing a task I don't want to do. And I know you well enough to know that your brain didn't bounce to, eh, three bucks seems fine. It probably bounced to- He gave me $3 the first time that's what he asked for. If I had offered him four the next time, he would assume that every time he did it, he was going to make an extra dollar. Flash forward to, you know, 2020 where I'm showing out 30 to 40 grand for weed whacking. I've done the math. The boy gets $3 or he whacks no weeds. How old is, how old would you estimate? He's a boy, Griffin. Okay. He has not, he's not a man, he doesn't have the strength to bring me down. He doesn't have the strength to destroy me. When he becomes a weed man, will you pay him more? He will be dismissed summarily.

I need my, I need my lawn tended to by the starry-eyed naivete of a child, a weed child. With the care and precision that only a child can offer. A weed, a weed man is going to be too busy thinking about his sexual escapades. His next drink, his weed taxes, but the boy, to him, his entire world is my weeds. Because to him, they're a bright, shiny new comic book or a soda phosphate, you know, whatever boys spend their money on. Yeah, three quarters of a pack of Pokemon cards. It may not be the same boy every time. I would have no way of knowing about the weed. You don't have his information for a W-2?

How on earth? I can't even summon him to whack weeds if I need him. I don't have a, I don't have a light on top of the house that I flick on that looks like weeds. Not yet. He just comes when I need him. All right, Aston answered. My birthday is today. And I wanted to go out, happy birthday. I want to go out to lunch with some of my co-workers to celebrate because it was during the middle of the week. Many people brought their lunch and couldn't come. So the group was very small and just people I worked closely with, which was fine.

But one of my co-workers who couldn't come dropped what I believe to be some backhanded advice later that afternoon. He said, my birthday is coming up soon too. Coming up soon too, about a week out, I start letting people know about it. It seems very cocky and forward to me to tell people it's my birthday and provoke the attention it brings. I never liked having to do that, but he brings up a good point. How do I let people know about my birthday coming up so they can go to lunch with us and not sound like a narcissist? That's from, it's all about me in Tennessee. Just take your birthday out of the equation entirely.

Sup y'all? Out back next Wednesday. Get there. Blooming. Onion. Big steak. Tall beer. Let's do this fucking thing Wednesday 12 o'clock. Route 60. Fucking be there. But they grip the feeling of your co-workers when you get there and you're like, oh, by the way, it's my birthday. And they're like, oh, you got me. They're gonna feel tricked. They can just say lunch is on us and move on with it. Do you just, because the alternative is guess whose big day is coming on Wednesday? It's Ricky. That's me. That's exactly what I do.

This is the thing. I was gonna go completely different direction with this question, that only now I'm starting to think, is this perhaps, you know, because of me, that I would sit there and be like, hey, everybody, it's my birthday next week. What are you gonna do for me? What are you planning to make me feel like the special boy I am? You need a middle person. You need to have someone who is following all your dark machinations and someone who will get the word out, but has that like, that one layer removed where it's not crass. Like you're probably, here's the perfect thing. You probably have a brother who has the same birthday as you, but different years. So if the two of you exchange that,

like Travis and I, for example, like a lot of people were two people who had the same birthday, I would just sort of, and we weren't in the same office. Maybe it sold rubber bands. Oh, I'm so deep in this story. Yeah. And I would tell people, just to sign out, we're looking to expand into orthodontia rubber bands, just to make it clear, like we're trying to merge with another company that maybe Griffin works at. Yeah. Can I work here too? I want to be in this fun little place. Do you want to be in the, do you want to be in the rubber band department or the gun department? Good question. I'll do guns. I'll do guns.

Okay. You can be over in the gun and X or gun X, as we call it. Okay. It's not funny, but you need a little bit of, you know, you're looking for any levity you can find when you're working that rat race. So anyway, you have your brother. What's our boss like? What is the boss like? Does he say embarrassing things to embarrass you sometimes? Would you say that your boss gets it? Good question. Our boss is Chris Christie, former governor of New Jersey, so he does run.

No, then. No, it's the answer then. No, it's the answer. Do we hate our jobs? What's my upper mobility like? We don't love them. I mean, the nice thing is there is upper mobility, but it almost always requires you to switch from either the rubber band department or the gun department. Could I lobby the board of directors to fire Chris Christie and replace me as boss? You can try anything Travis, but these are, these are way back to, these are like old school gun band guys. You know, they've been in the biz for forever.

They're not going to be fooled by some young upstart with visions of guns and rubber band futures. I have a big page though, Justin, about how we can score the big account. How would you make the Cracker Barrel account? Here's the problem. I have two announcements. One, Travis's birthday is next week. Let's all do something. And then, Travis, didn't you have, you had something you wanted to mention? Yes, I have a plan for the big account and how we're going to get it, but only if we fire that piece of shit and hire this guy as the boss. Did you have anything else, Travis, you wanted to do?

And when you do that, I'm going to shoot these rubber bands right into the 21st century. Hey guys, it's me, Crevin. Oh, can I do, I'm in a role play. Travis had one thing, one other thing. Okay, I'll step back. It's my birthday next week. Don't forget. Crevin will wait his turn. No, you go ahead, Crevin. Yeah, I just made a new gun. It's a, yeah, the shape is really cool because you can throw it right down into a sewer drain

and it will fit right in there. Now it's still a gun that fires only rubber bands, right, Crevin? Oh, was that shit? That's crevin. And then it'll, the title card will pop up. Listen, shut up, listen. Everybody, Travis, are you sure you didn't have anything else? Oh yeah, somebody ate my yogurt.

Okay, the, how do we make millennials buy rubber bands? Hey, don't look away from me. Do you fucking eat my yogurt? No, Chris. No, Chris. Okay, yeah. You're fired. You can't do that. You don't have the authority. Oh, don't I?

And then I'm going to shoot a rubber band at him. Uh-oh. Oh, hoisted by my own gun, man. You're fired. Hey, listen, it's me, Justin. I have a question for everybody at the meeting. I think there's seven or eight of us now. Well, how do we make the millennials aren't buying rubber bands?

And I want to know everyone, you were supposed to have, you had two weeks to put together a presentation for how to make millennials buy rubber bands. Travis, you asked to go first. You said you would make everybody. I'm looking at the memo you sent me. You said that your presentation would make everyone, everyone else's presentations, quote,

look like the feudal ravings of a madman. And they should just burn them in a fire right now. Travis, how are you going to make the millennials buy rubber bands? Edible rubber bands that you get inside a tiny house. So you have to buy the house in order to get the gum candy? Yes, or you buy the gummy rubber bands and then you get a tiny house if you buy enough. I call them rubber band points. You got to use those rubber band points to earn a tiny house.

That's pretty good, shit. That's way better than my idea. I don't even want to say my idea. What was yours? No, it was so bad. Griffin, you were, Trevor, Trevor. Wait, who's Trevor? Is Trevor related to Krevin?

Krevin, Trevor. Krevin, Trevor's brother Krevin. Hey, isn't it both your birthdays are coming up next? It's coming up pretty soon. Krevin, how are you going to make the millennials buy rubber bands? It's so stupid. I don't even want to say it all. Say it or you're fired.

Krevin, listen, we've talked about this, Krevin. You've got to have more confidence in yourself. This is what the moment you've been training for in all those montages. This has all been building up to this. Okay. Well, I guess it's, who's hot right now in social media, would you say? Quack. That's right.

Quack. Justin Guarini. So we're going to take this, dude. And we're going to wrap these rubber bands across his arms and make it look all lumpy like the Michelin man. And the teens are going to love this. And we call it the rubber band challenge. The rubber band challenge.

How many rubber bands can you get around your Justin Guarini head? How many rubber bands can you get around your head before it splits, like that one watermelon stunt that kids love? I don't know about all that, Justin. Here at Travis McElroy's rubber bands and stuff. I just re-banded it. That sounds... You re-banded it?

Re-banded it. Sounds a little dangerous. How about, how many watermelons can you get around your head before you have to go buy a rubber band? I love it. Put that on the package. Travis, in the words of my niece, you're canceled. Oh man.

Next up to run the company is Crevin. We love this Justin Guarini idea. Cool. Want to know my next one? I can't believe you have another one. That didn't take you all weekend? No, man. I did a big speedball and it just sort of came to me in like a minute and a half.

So... Okay. What's your other one? More real guns. Well, you're canceled. You're canceled too, Crevin. Did you guys ever see that movie Wanted where they curved the bullets? Yeah.

I love that flick. Can we make those? Because that was badass. Okay. You're back to being CEO. Fuck yeah. Angelina Jolie curved it all around town. Are you... Can we get her?

Can we get Angelina? Can we go to the Money Zone? I want to talk about Meundies because Meundies has a new design that I love so very much. It is pineapple and you can get pineapple underpants and pineapple socks and wear them at the same time and feel so cool. And they have multiple style options that you're going to find one that you love. They're, you know, they're that coveted micro modal fabric. It's three times softer than cotton.

Why don't you already have these on your body? You'll love them. They have the softest lounge around the planet. I've got a couple different sets of their sleep pants at this point. I love them so much. They even have super comfy onesies at this point. Yes, that's right. Onesies, you can get 50% off your first pair,

free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee if you go to meundies.com slash my brother. That's meundies.com slash my brother. It specifically says here to say something about the boxer briefs with a fly and you failed at doing that. So now I have to step in and say like you slip your your bing bong through it and you pee right through these things. Okay, now we can move on. I want to talk about a sponsor too. It's Bowlen Branch, who I feel like we haven't spoken on in a while.

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Shit. You're going to love them. Go to BowlenBranch.com today for $50 off your first set of sheets. That's B-O-L-L and Branch.com. Is that a bad name because there's already a thing called a bowl that everybody knows about? Sure, but you have to support them because they need you now. They need your money to buy a better name. It's too late to change it back so they're stuck with this and you've got to help them out.

You see them hurting. The promo code to get $50 off your first set of sheets is mybrother. All one word. So go to BowlenBranch.com. Promo code mybrother. All one word. Do it. Hi, I'm Viz.

And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just no kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. And then that's how my day starts. Yeah. Come on, I'm so sick of it. When is that going to be over?

Like, I want it to stop. Teresa, you're hurting my ears. I mean, that's it. Yeah, no, I just hate it. Yeah, I don't blame you. It sucks. It really sucks. So join us each week as we judge Aless, laugh more,

and remind you that you are doing a great job. Find us on MaximumFun.org on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Go on, Basie. Oh, God, that sounds bad. I want a munch. Squad. Squad.

Jam, jiggie, jiggie, jam, jam. I want some munch. Squad. Trying to make this one sexier. This is a segment about brand eating. I guess is one way of putting it. It's just it's a segment about the latest and greatest in fast food innovations. And it's also a segment about how the fast food industry in this country

through press releases is taking the English language and our culture and dismantling it piecemeal for scrap. There's not even that much left. They're picking the bones. There's not even that much. Thank you. There's not even that much left. And they are dismantling it.

I have this. This one's kind of a contest contest. And I want I want to see who is sort of like playing with fire the most and who's sort of like most detrimental to language and culture. Okay. Okay. So there the one I will tell you about is just egg partners with next level burger to create the brekkie burger.

And that is I need you to there's so many words even in that. There's a company called just egg. Just egg. What do they do? That's a wild ass name for a company because one it's not plural. Just egg. Just the one egg. Just egg.

Hey everybody. This is my new company. Just the one. Oh, someone bought it. Just is the company and the just egg is not eggs. Twist on you. It's made from four thousand four hundred. Okay.

This is what it says. Just egg is made from the four thousand four hundred year old mung bean. Amazing to think those are still fresh enough for human consumption. But here we are. And the baked patty version used by next level burger has more protein than conventional chicken eggs. So this is like a fake eggs with vegan sausage and vegan bacon. I mean on a on a burger. It's the thing is called the brekkie burger.

And I find that highly upsetting. It's not great. It obviously gets third place. Okay. I'm more upset by the fact that they make vegan eggs and they call it just egg. And that seems like it's like it's just egg. Oh, it's not this. It's just egg.

Tony eat it. Go ahead. The Pizza Hut cheesy bite pizza has returned for a limited time. It's just in time for summer. And here's the quote. Only Pizza Hut can bring you a bold creation. An epic pizza eating experience like cheesy bites pizza. Says Marianne Radley chief brand officer of Pizza Hut.

Presumably because the technology is trademarked. But anyway, pizza meets party with this all time fan favorite, which lets you and your friends soak up so much needed vitamin cheese all summer long. Oh my God. I am so far away from my computer monitor when I record my bin bam. And I got a lot of spit on it from that vitamin. It's vitamin cheese, which seems like the kind of thing to me that starts out as a joke and then in 20 years people are like, well, it's got to be good for you.

It's got a lot of vitamin cheese. It's not bad. So Pizza Hut shits on the floor on June 17th today. No, sorry. Yesterday, June 18th as we're recording this, Krispy Kreme announced their stuffed donuts, which will be free on June 22nd, which I'm assuming has passed. Yes, it has passed.

So I'm sorry. But the product is still available, presumably. Okay. It's round. It's glazed. And for the first time in the U.S., it's filled. Right. Introducing a donut innovation fans have only imagined until now.

Krispy Kreme's new original filled donut. Wait. Yeah. But Justin. But this one's a ring, okay? But I... This one's a ring and it's filled all the way through. Do you understand?

Okay. Okay. What they've done? No, I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. You're back. You can visualize it.

Delivering a new taste experience for the donut verse. Fuck off. Krispy Kreme's original, that's my least favorite cinematic universe that will be the most financially successful is the donut verse. Krispy Kreme's original filled is a whole new interpretation of the brand's iconic original glazed donut, featuring Krispy Kreme's classic original glazed donut. This new product is initially offered with a choice of two fillings, classic cream and chocolate cream, providing the perfect bite every time.

Okay. Are you ready? Yep. Yeah. This is a quote from Dave Skeena, chief marketing officer for Krispy Kreme Donut Corporation. Krispy Kreme was at the launch of Apollo 11. Oh, God. Serving fresh donuts to Americans witnessing lift off of this monumental mission.

As America prepares to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing, we want to give our fans a new taste experience that is out of this world. We choose to fill our original glazed donuts, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Oh, God. No disrespect intended, JFK. Actually, it's not hard. It's melt in your mouth.

Delicious. How, how could they? This is the why, why are they doing this for this? Why do they care about the Apollo 11 mission? They were there. They were there, Griffin. They were there, and now they did a donut that's as good as the moon landing. It's the 70th anniversary of the beginning of the Manhattan Project,

and we were there making sure those scientists had lots of donut fuel to blow up the whole earth with. And it's to celebrate. We're going to blow up your mouth with our cream fuck stuffed donut boys. Get in here and just start biting everything you see and just wait for nuclear winter. Here's a courtesy of your pals at Crispy Cream. I mean, it's just, it's unfathomable. You also can't be like, we didn't do it not because it's easy, but because it is hard. It's not hard.

Actually, I messed up. It's not hard. I just thought it would be so fucking funny. If I quoted that beloved dead president that got shot in Dallas. Remember? We were there too. We just don't like to brag about that one, but we were there selling crispy hot, fresh, delicious, crispy cream donuts that day too.

Everyone remembers JFK getting shot, but what do they not remember? Dear pal, Krusty Cream, and the audience passing out all these delicious donuts. God, advertising donuts well spent, huh, Krusty Cream? If you slow the Zapruder film down and you look at the crowd, they're clearly enjoying a lot of delicious crispy cream donuts. But no. That's all I'm saying. No, but what's the talk about that?

They just want to talk about the grassy knoll and the death of our beloved president. It's the second. Yes, I agree. That is definitely the most important thing that happened there. Yes. The second most important thing is we were there with donuts at that time. Anyway, these ones are filled with cream now. So we got that.

Thank God I can finally get a donut with cream. But not where you'd expect. And even less donut to eat because they done cut out the middle of it. Yeah, it's basically a cream hoop with Krust. Let me give you less donut for the money and you'll thank me for it. This shit is thick. Oh, is it? Is this a dummy thick donut?

It's a real thick one. Okay, good. Do you want a Yahoo though? Absolutely. This one's sent in by Brandon. Thanks, Brandon. It's Yahoo Answers user. Thanks, Brandon.

We don't usually do that, Travis. I know, but I felt like I wasn't voicing my gratitude enough, just in general, but also specifically for Brandon. So thanks, Brandon. This is from Yahoo Answers user, Pinfold, who asks. Thanks, Pinfold. What to do for a pig-themed jazz party? Huh.

My friend's kid is having a party with a pig theme. I think she likes them there, her fave animal or something. But also, it's at a park with jazz music? What should I? Styles Davis. What? What? Like a pig sty, but it's Styles Davis.

What should I expect? What gift will fit the theme? Help, I really want to impress her. She's really sweet. Update, the kid is 10 years old and it's definitely not Peppa Pig themed. I know she hates that. Boy, that's a cool brain that this child has. I love pigs, but not the famous one that the children enjoy.

Not that bastardization. That's not how pigs really act. Pigs don't live in houses. Like classic pigs. Yeah, roll around some slop, you fucking nark. I like frogs. No, not fucking Kermit. He does not live in a pond.

Except in that one movie when he does. Update two, I'm freaking out. I think my friend's kid wants me to do karaoke too. Are there any jazz songs about pigs? Blue Styles. You just did style. You just did style. I don't know of any jazz songs that contain something that rhymes with oink.

I don't know what to tell you. List all the jazz songs you know right now. Blue Skies. Let's see. End of list. In a sentimental mood by Duke Ellington, of course. You just googled jazz songs and it's the first result on Google. You're reading them in order.

How could you? Wait, goodbye pork pie hat by Charles Bingers. Is that close enough? That one writes itself. But that's really more about Charles just throwing his hat away and being very sad about it. It's not so much about the pork. Pigland. It's like Birdland.

Oh. So what should I do for my pig-themed jazz party? The kid likes pigs, but the park is jazz, I guess. Let me tell you this first. Right off the bat, don't bring any kind of pork food. That's a misstep because you're going to think, oh, this is fun because it's like pig. But if the kid likes pigs, my bet is that that does not extend to consuming them in a fun way. Henry's very into superheroes right now.

But if I brought him a nice flank cut of Iron Man meat, he would be pretty p.o'd, I bet. Yes. BB is really into petting zoos and aquariums and I fear the day when she puts two and two together. Get the giant keyboard from big. Get a pig. Sprinkle corn on the piano. And then that pig is going to play jazz. It will be a very avant-garde form of jazz, but it is going to be jazz and it's going to be hard to deny it as jazz.

Now get a stand-up bass. Put some corn on it. That pig is going to play some jazz on a stand-up bass. Now, here is his dumb. A trumpet. Travis, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's got to be cream corn that you sort of slop down the fretboard. Ah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Or else it's not going to stick. You're right. Think before you speak. If you don't have any corn, you can use dead cowboys because that's what they do in Deadwood. That's the only thing I know that pigs really love eating is dead cowboys. What would you get? Something, maybe something peppa pig? No, fuck.

Shit. Hates that one. Maybe a pet pig. Maybe just a big old pig that they are now in charge of. That does autographs and photo ops. Oh, get on pet pig and name the pig, you know, Herbie Hancock or something sweet like that. Or Stiles Davis. That one's still bad.

Let's do another question. Do you guys know Shaq just started buying up Papa Johns's? Huh? This is unrelated. It's not only much to come, but do you guys know that Shaq just started? Papa Johns is like, we are in this huge chamber. We cannot get out because of the bad John. Everyone hated it.

And they went to Shaq and they said Shaq, if you say nice things about Papa Johns, we'll give you $4 million and 87,000 shares of stock. And also some Papa Johns's. So he just started buying up Papa Johns's. And he just started. Justin, the boy with the girl is actually Papa's John. He just started acquiring them like wild. He just started buying up Papa Johns's.

There's a Papa Johns in Atlanta where the number to get it is 470444 Shaq. Nice. Call that number right now. That's going to give you a Papa Johns. They are probably getting a few calls. So please only call if you're in the area. But this is like he bought seven of them. And it's like, these are the good ones.

These are the ones that are okay. Cause Shaq is Shaq owns these are Shaq's Papa's John. I would much rather eat it a Papa Shaq's Papa Shaq's slam dunk city. I would be there in a fucking heartbeat. If they renamed the restaurant to Papa Shaq's, I would frequent it again. Probably. There is a Papa Johns and a Hager Boulevard here in Huntington. And you know how they have like the sign out front with like where they put the specials and the deals.

The one in Huntington has had the same message for the past eight months. And in huge letters, it just has locally owned. We will not bend the knee to Lord Shaq. And well, I think it's part reference to Papa. To shitty John. Not to Shaq, their new savior. I thought he was saying, this is the house of John. We are unbent and unbroken.

Do not even approach us with your golden coins, Shaq. We know you have many of them from the movie Kazam or Shazam, whichever it was. Shaq owns an Atlanta Krispy Kreme in Las Vegas. He owns a fast, casual restaurant called Big Chicken, a fine dining place in LA, and he once ran 27 five guys franchises. That's 135 guys. Damn it, Travis. You did the math so much faster than I did.

Yep. I was a math elite. Just real quick, the perfect name for jazz pig is Fats Waller. Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. Thank you. The press early says broadly it could ignite interest out broadly. It could ignite outside interest to garner additional franchisees into the system.

What? How? Okay. How are you making life choices where you're like, I know what I'm going to do for a living. Open the restaurant that Shaq has some of. No, no, I want to get me some of that Shaq buy. I heard a lot of press about Papa John's.

Wait, what's that? Shaq bought some. Huh? Just rename it Papa Shaq's. Oh. Okay. I'll take two. Two Papa Shaq's, please.

With the extra Shaqaroni. We got all the food you want. We do have Shaqaroni. Shaqaroni and cheese. Yes, Shaqaroni and cheese. We got Shaqaroni salad. It's an expansive side dish menu that Shaq himself insisted on. And also we do sell basketballs now, which is wild.

Make sure you get to dip all that shit in our free throw stink water, which is what he has renamed the garlic dipping sauce, unfortunately. We banked it. Oh, it's sold out. He's a genius. Wow. This whole time we shouldn't call it free throw stink water. You don't even know that stink water.

Just call it Papa Shaq's. Please. I can't even do Papa John's shit in Munch Squad anymore, because there's like the preamble it would require, would use up all of our hilarious movie box office joke time. So if it was just called Papa Shaq's, one, all those would become 17% funny or fucking instantly. And we could all feel good about eating at Papa Shaq's.

Yeah. Buy up Jimmy John's while you're at it. Call it Shaqie Shaq's. He's on the board, by the way. He's on the, he's on the board of directors. Of Jimmy John's? Of, yeah, of Papa John's, one of the people that sits at the big table to make the big decisions about whether or not to call it Papa Shaq's is Shaq himself.

He will almost certainly be the tallest person in the room. Certainly he can take the saucy throne for himself. Do it. There is a vacuum of leadership, a vacuum of power that Shaq is prepared to leap into. I, there are, on the ones that he owns, there are size 22 footprints at the front door. So you can kind of see how you stack up to Shaq. That's fun. When the pizza chain announced his board placement in March,

chief executive Steve Ritchie said, organizational decision makers cheered. Well, certainly what other response are you going to have to Shaq? Shaq has thrown in his lot with us. The powerful man is here to save our terrible pizza. Wicked John is gone and Shaq is here to deliver us. He demands fealty is the one thing about it is that he demands your fealty. Please Shaq, act as our shield, our Shaq shield O'Neal.

Part of the agreement is that Shaq will be made available for 60 minutes of total interview time promoting Papa John's. He will be trained ahead of time for each talk. Wait, so there's, there's one hour of Shaq spread across all of the time that they could use. Shaq will, he's got a little chest clock, a little speed chest clock. He's like, okay, go. Shaq, I'd like to start off talking to you about your career. Fuck no.

We've only got 60 minutes. Talk about pizza. What is it about pizza that drew you to Papa John's? Pizza's awesome. I've said that in interviews before. You've just wasted 14 seconds of my precious interview. Next question. This is wild, guys.

For the affiliation announcement between Shaq and Papa John's, Shaq will provide business and consumer PR interviews, including two broadcast TV and three print or online media interviews in New York City, two approved photos for release, one at a Papa John's restaurant and one making pizza with Richie, a social media post, a social media post, a quote for a press release, a business headshot, and business bio. That's what Shaq is providing.

Just to be included in the, in that Papa John's heat. Just to get a little bit of Shaq's light to shine on this, this terrible pizza person. Who's Richie? Like the guy who run Steve Richie's chief executive, Papa John's. And he had to put in a contract, I want to make pizza with Shaq. I bet that that was the, that was. He did add in the contract.

Yes, we can assume safely Steve Richie, chief executive of Papa John's, put into a written document that part of the deal is you have to make pizza with me Shaq. And that's how I met Shaq. They have to take one picture of it. You promised. You have to be my best friend now. You promised to come make pizza with me Shaq, you promised.

Yeah, but you, you can have one of my tickets for the big concert Shaq, but you got to come over to my house and be my friend for the day. All right, so Shaq owns seven Papa John's. Folks, that's going to do it for us here on my brother, my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Please only eat at Shaq's Papa John's. Don't get it twisted. The brand is still treacherous, but the ones that Shaq owns are probably okay.

I guess. I don't actually know how that all works. I'm not a scientist. You're better off sticking with Domino's, the shadowy cabal that runs that place has not been uncovered for its evil yet. So go for it. Let's see. What do we need to housekeeping Travis?

Yes, please. First off, we got our book tour coming up. It's for the Adventure Zone graphic novel book two, Murder on the Rockport Limited. We're going to be in on July 16th. Justin and Griffin will be in New York City and Dad and I will be in Portland, but I'm pretty sure the Portland show is already sold out. And then on July 17th, Justin and Griffin will be in Austin, Texas, and Dad and I will be in Los Angeles.

Oh, and I should mention Carrie Peach, our amazing artist, is going to be at the New York show on the 16th with Justin and Griffin. And listen, that LA show isn't so in as much as we would like. Maybe because it's like a day before San Diego Comic-Con, we don't know. But if you have friends in LA that like the show, tell them to get tickets. I think it's just they're all jocks, you know? And then they're all just such jockey, you know, cool kids in LA. And then on the 19th, we are doing a book tour show in San Diego,

during San Diego Comic-Con at the Balboa. And then the day after that, on the 20th, we are going to do an Adventures on Live show at San Diego Comic-Con. And you can get tickets for all of that if you go to macaroy.family and click on Tours, as well as other upcoming tour shows at the end of August. We're going to be in Atlanta and Orlando. Get your tickets for that. Also want to tell people we have some new amazing merch up there.

We're trying to add new merch up every month. So if you haven't checked in a while, go to macaroymerch.com. Oh, and before I forget, speaking of the book, that comes out July, I believe 17th. So if you haven't preordered a copy yet, go to theadventuresoncomic.com, preorder that, and go ahead and I'm very proud of it. And I just want you all to see it. So preorder it and you'll like it a lot, I promise. I can't do any more of these.

So thanks to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song and set of harcher off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. I highly recommend you get it. The tunes are great and also the disc can't be burned or melted. And anyway, the disc is fully heat resistant and you can take that to the bank. Thanks also to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. They have all kinds of great shows on there like Switchblade Sisters and Beef and Dairy Network. And Judge John Hodgman and Jordan Jesse Goh and a bunch more.

Maximum Fun at Oregon. We have other stuff at McRoy.family. Anything else? I think that's it. I think that'll do. Okay, here's that final yahoo is sent in by Adrienne Cowles. Thanks, Adrienne. It's yahoo answers user.

They're anonymous, so I'm going to call them Zippy asks, Does it seem like ticklish feet are less common now than they were 40 years ago? Hoo. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and Culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well researched, and your podcast hosts to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah, and what's your deal?

I'm Emily. I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions, and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts.

We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping. Join us on Baby Geniuses. Every other week on Maximumfun.org.