My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 466: Food Train

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

All Aboard*! The Food Train’s pulling into the station, and its sixty robot chefs are prepared to meet your every culinary desire! (* - Do not board the Food Train under any circumstances. Your body will be annihilated.) Suggested talking points: Songland, Stealing a Big Lamp, The Scullery, Vacation Clothes, Reba Mayo, Intangible Cutsies

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother and my brother, I mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am, at least according to my birth certificate, your middle is brother Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Summer's here. Hot, hot, hot, hot. The hot season is here, summer. And check the thermostat. The beaches

have sand, and you know what that means. The drinks have ice. Then it's summer stuff all over. And May flowers bring June powers. Sun power. Sun powers. What are the songs of the summer? Well, shit, I mean it's, it's, I don't know that we're far enough in because I like to think that mid-July is when the Black Eyed Peas are finally gonna get their shit together. You think they're finally gonna get it going? Middle of July is what I expect. I think they're gonna get together. They're gonna do the, you know, theme song to a big, the new Spiderman is gonna have a Black Eyed Peas joint as the theme song. And it's gonna be partially about Spire Man, but also about how good it feels when you're together with your friends having a party.

Yeah, something about like let's, let's party responsibly. I have been to try to get the, the pulse of this. I've been enjoying NBC's Songland, a show where the woman who wrote the super bass and the young boy from one republic and another gentleman with a beard and a guitar help young songwriters make the next big hits for today's artists. And I was watching an episode with Jonas Brothers tried to create their song Green Light with a new, a new song named Able Heart, right? And so they had their choices songs to pick, okay? And then this song includes lyrics like just say I got the green light, the things we do past midnight, just me and you and it feels right,

just an empty room and the green light. And it, I just can't help thinking about, so another bit they say before you come around, yeah, I was feeling blue. So tell me if you're down and I'll fly you to the moon. Got me begging you for more. Yeah, it's nothing new. Ain't nobody in the world does it like you do. I just can't help every time I would, they would start to improvise about this song about fucking. I can't help but think about, yeah, that's the thing. It's not about stock car race. No, sir. It's about sex. And every time I think about it, I just think about how these men, these men who are brothers in much the same way that we are brothers are like, well, guys, let's fucking pump that song about sex. Will you harmonize with me,

my brother, on this song about how we get down with people? Can we do that together as brothers together? At the same time, we'll sing the same thing in this song about pure sex. Joe, what rhymes with juices on my fat hog? Let me get my rhyming dictionary. Joe, you know how it is whenever you get, you know, the good stuff. You know, Joe. Hey, Joe, is it, is it four or five R's in jerk? Because I want to get it right for the song. Our new number one single. It's not the thing to get hung up on in the lyrics you just described. But why is empty room invoked there? That's not sexy. In the original version of the lyrics, the gentleman even says like, don't need a bed. Like, we don't need a bed. I think you probably do. If someone said, hey, come have sex with me. And I

said, yes, I am interested. And then they led me into a room that was just ceiling and floor and like four bare walls. They're gonna dexter me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All the lock, star, exterior, green light. I don't think that I could sing that song. I mean, we talk about a lot of adult content here. I guess that's true. Not in an earnest way. When you're writing a song. We're hoping that people will put us on in the background to make love. Well, that yeah, it's not a seductive show. Entertainment Weekly is actually named as four years running the least seductive podcast in the business. Just try to have sex while you listen to my brother, my brother. It's impossible. Can't do it. Can't just can't get the rhythm going. Yeah, that is what control will always be legal.

As long as my brother, my brother and me is legal to be downloaded because it is impossible. But with our fucking with our fucking twisted South Park humor, who knows before they shut us down? That's true. They have been talking a lot about shutting us down lately. They're always trying to come for us. But no one else is coming for us. The preview of the next next week's episode, I'm extremely excited about because the songwriters, the young songwriters for next week's episode are going to be working with Aloe Black to create a song for the soundtrack of Fast & Furious presents Hobbs & Shaw. So that is a massive opportunity. But wait, just a huge opportunity. I would love. It's probably too late to get in on the filming of that. Isn't that movie already done? Yeah,

but at the end, it's just going to be like boop. I don't know. I haven't heard this song yet. There's a song about hugging. Hobbs & Shaw. Hobbs & Shaw. Saving lives by breaking the law. People say that you're fast and I'm too furious. But I know that is claim is spurious. It's the other way around. I am the quick one. And you are the one with a quick trigger on the gun. Fast & Furious. Hobbs & Shaw. Don't know anybody who's not loving y'all in the box office. You're the number one. Everybody come and hold this gun. It takes a village to hold this gun. Idris Elba is in this one. We've done it. Songland Aloe, please call us. We're ready to get started. This is an advice show and we do questions. Do you want to do one?

I would love that Griffin. Thank you. You read my mind. I was about to segue into it because I felt that energy going that way. But of course, you and your infinite wisdom, you sense the energy going that way. Just a split second. Just looking for the question. I have heard it been said that any internship remains unpaid as long as you don't steal enough stuff from the company. I have actually have a pretty well paid internship in an office, but I still want to take the lamp from my desk when I leave the position. Okay. I've done my research and this desk lamp is valued at $50. It's a special brand. Damn. That's a good lamp. It's a special brand that mimics natural sunlight. So artists who work with color have a more honest relationship with their

art by a good lamp. This lamp, if I like the phrasing of that, like this lamp makes me able to date my painting. This lamp does not belong in a cubicle hidden around the computer for the next intern to not totally appreciate. As a hobbyist artist, the lamp belongs with me. How do I steal something this large from my internship? Or is there a more chill way to ask for it? That's from lamp lust and little Saigon. Damn. This person's got it all figured out. I wish I was this confident about any of my life decisions. First off, I would like to address the first sentence. And maybe it's just I haven't worked enough internships, but I have never heard it been said that any internship remains unpaid as long as you haven't stolen enough. Yeah. As has been said by

me here in this sentence, in this question to you. Here's a chill way. Okay. Ask your boss, do you mind if I move this lamp? Oh, good. Oh, that's so good. That's really good and non-specific. Yeah, you leave that one now. Listen, this is risky because if your boss says move it where and you say my home, the jig is up. I think that if you asked for the lamp as you were walking out the door on your last day, it would be so disconcerting. I think for lack of a better word, it would be so jarring that the person might just say like, yeah. Yes. Yes. And then you're gone. Like you're already out the door. But at that point, it's a huge risk, right? Because you're waiting to the last minute with my plan so it may, if they say no there, you're out of options. Here's what I'll say.

Here's another way to ensure success here. Ask it like this. And it's cool if I take this lamp, right? So good, Travis. Damn. And you don't even need something to come before the end. But the implication is like we've had a whole conversation about the cool things that will happen when I leave. And this is one. Even better, just sort of hold it up in front of your boss and say, it's cool, right? You know what? Let's shorten it and just say, eh? Cool? Eh? Yes. You could say, hey, I'm going to steal two of these lamps and your boss is going to be like, no, you're not. And you'd be like, you're right. Just the one. Can you maybe go with like, I loved that this job was sort of like the best things that

were happening to me. And I really treasure it and want to remember it. And I'm going to go ahead and take this lamp to remember all of you because you were a light that lit up my days. Yes. You're the light in my life. And this is now the light in my apartment. Maybe just say like, I brought this lamp from home. And when your boss is like, but it's like all the other lamps and you say, that's why I brought it in because it reminded me of all the other lamps. Oh, see, I was going to say you could bring in another lamp and just swap them, Indie, Indie style, swap them. But they would notice that you're taking the lamp that looks exactly like all the other lamps and you left a Garfield light up lamp that you found in

your sister's room. That's not great. So you're going to need to start bringing a really large felt puppet to work with you now, now and start getting everybody comfortable and not only comfortable, accustomed to the idea that you always bring this huge, huge felt puppet with you that keeps you company in your cubicle, that you have conversations with it when you need it, you know, to blow off some steam or talk about the new episode of Game of Thrones that HBO is sending directly to you. And then once everybody sort of appreciates the fact, oh, well, that's just, you know, their big, big felt puppet. You'll know, by the way, the key there will be when you don't have the puppet, if someone says, hey, where's the puppet? Now you know. Now you know you're in the

clear to stuff that fucking lamp right up in that puppet and carry it out. And it's never even been a thing. And you know what the, you know why that's such a good idea? Why? Because there's nothing else you could put the lamp in. I want to describe a bit of prop comedy that you could do here to get away with this. And I want you to really don't interrupt me, but I want you to close your eyes, even if you're driving, especially if you're driving and really imagine this. Okay. As you're walking out, they're applauding. As you're walking out in your last day, say, I just want to let everybody know that this internship has given me a really bright idea. And then you hold the lamp above your head about what I want to do with my future. And then you keep the lamp above your head

and slowly back out the door. And they will be so confused as to what is happening. Or laughing their asses off. Laughing their asses off. Thank you, Griffin. Yeah, absolutely. Like losing it with this great prop comedy you did, that they won't even think like he'll, they'll assume that you'll bring it back. That will be the assumption that's made is that you'll be bringing it back at your earliest convenience. Also get a big parachute, tie it to the lamp, throw it right out the freaking window. If you're on the first floor, this isn't great. If you're on the first floor, it's not great, Justin. Thank you. You kind of do need it to get to terminal velocity. But

if you're on the first floor, it's not a problem. Yeah, I would say the first floor is probably fine. Second, third, and fourth, it's probably an issue. But fifth, you probably have enough. Yeah, there's four floors there where it's no good. Or you really need the wind to sort of pick up. Maybe tie the lamp. Use fishing line so that they can't see it. Tie it to your belt buckle so it looks like it hopping behind you. And just keep saying like, come on, come on. And they'll be like, the lamp wanted to be with them. The lamp chose them over us. Okay. I know this internship has given me a really bright idea. Then you hold it above your head, right? And then you put it back down and you say about what I want to do with my future. I'm going to be a lamp repair man.

And I'm going to start with this guy right here. And you just yank it out of the wall and walk out the door. And they'll be like, he's going to be the greatest lamp repair man ever because he's really dedicated to his craft. There it is. One of these certainly has to work. Certainly one of them. I got a Yahoo answer here that was sent in by Jack. Thanks, Jack. An anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to call Theodore asks, would I get laughed at if I call the living room, the drawing room, and the dining room, the morning room, and the kitchen, the scullery. I watch a lot of movies from the 40s. So I've started to pick these things up. And yes, I'm aware the living room was called the parlor, but I don't have a mansion.

There's so many things there. Well, I mean, I would rather have a drawing room than a parlor, right? Because I, you know me, I'm always sketching something. And that's true. Yeah. So my plants, my birds. Is that why it's called the drawing room? Maybe it's more like the drawing together of new ideas, or perhaps where you might draw cards for a game. No, dude, it's sketching doodles and doing fun cartoons. Yeah, people love that shit back down Naby. They're always just whipping up little, you know, ziggies. Just that little doodle where it looks like the guy with frizzy hairs poking his nose over the horizon. What's his deal? What's he hiding? What's he even doing? Here's the thing that I think threw me about the further details of this question, Griffin.

The question asked her saying, you're just picking up things like, yeah, like it's, I don't know, like you traveled abroad for two years and came back with a bit of an accent. Yeah, also the 1940s is really when these words came to power. The 1940s during, you know, World War Two is when we really started calling shit the scullery. I, I'm no historian, but I'd be willing to bet that basically for as long as you've been dining in it, I think the dining room has been called the dining room. No, it's the morning room because you only eat in there in the morning. Anyway, we're dodging the question and the answer to it is you're going to be made full of, so savagely, you may actually die from it. Yes. You may actually experience death from

how bad the making fun of you is if you say, if you call your kitchen the scullery and there's no amount of explaining a way that I feel like you can do to get over this one. That's the big one because I think if you called your living room the drawing room, even your family who loves you the most, they would be like, hmm, that was weird. Okay, that's fine. And then you call the dining room the morning room. They're probably going to say, do you mean the dining room? But the second you say, scullery, it's done. Yeah, it's done. Fetch me my pizza chips from the larder. What are you fucking saying? What do you mean? I look at houses sometimes to kill the time until I die. And I was on Zillow and I saw one house that had room that was labeled popcorn room.

Oh, yeah. I tried to Google it and Google it never heard of it. So I don't know. It must just be this person saying. So explanatory. Did you look with your photos? Nope. No photos. Just one label popcorn room. I don't know if there were doors or not. I guess there was a door, but it was just labeled popcorn room. You put in an offer, right? I mean, did you go in a little bit under asking? Oh, shit. No, I did almost buy a house one time that when I was very young, except I didn't have the money to do it, but it did have a door hidden behind a bookshelf. I've always really wanted that. What do you think would be the hardest room to pull off saying that you have with a straight face? Because I think it's conservatory. Oh, yes. I think that

would be the one that would be the toughest to say like, oh, this is the conservatory. That or I think the ballroom. The ballroom is tough. The ballroom is tough. If you say you have a conservatory, though, it's just to murder someone in hands down. That's my main sort of familiarity with the room, which is weird because you're not conserving something. You're snuffing it. It should be called a snuffatory. Probably sex dungeon. Yeah, that's tough. That's tough. You know, they also call conservatory solariums. That's even worse, I think. I think you could get away with solarium only because people would like, if you walked into, you know, sometimes people like screaming in their back porch or they like, you know,

have windows in their back porch or whatever. If you walked in and said, this is my solarium, I wouldn't know that you're right, but I also wouldn't know that you're wrong and I wouldn't say anything. You could get away with that. But if you walked me back there and you said, this is my conservatory, I would say, no, it is not. The solarium is a room where you watch the George Clooney vehicle Solaris. Yes. That is the main purpose of that. The laser disc looping. Don't even fucking think about eating popcorn while you enjoyed the movie. There is a separate room for that. You should know better. You have to go into the other room if you want a salty snack. My favorite is like how it differs by country. Like if you're in London and you say, where's

the water closet? They'll be like, oh, it's right over there. But if I said that shit here, I'm getting booed out of town. People are just going to make fun of me till I cry water down my face. I didn't know this when I first, the first time I traveled internationally, I went to Cologne, Germany for a games conference and I didn't know, I didn't even know what water closet was. So when I saw the restroom sign with WC on it, I thought like, this is where WC fields goes to shit. I think they are dead. And then I remember asking somebody like where the where the toilet was. And when they corrected me, I felt like such a boob because that must be like somebody over here was like, where do you keep your shitter and pisser at where I can make where I can make my dirty

trash in a hole because I didn't say the good way to say it. I guess WC must stand for worst conservatory. This is the worst conservatory I've ever seen in my life. If I ever end up stealing my house, I'm going to walk people through it saying, and this is the bed conservatory and this is the bath conservatory. And this is kind of the living conservatory. And this is the scholarly. I work in the office at a factory and we have random spirits days with themes. I rarely participate. Yeah, that sucks. But I woke up this morning and put on a floral tank top, Hawaiian shirt, shorts and hula girl dress socks for vacation closed day. Hold on a second. The name of that is fucking chilling. And I have to put my head

between my legs. That's grueling. Can you even imagine what it would be like if you had to wear these for their intended purpose? Now you will wear them as a cruel joke. I even made a mockery of your vacation clothes. Couldn't we just call it vacation day? No, because then they might not show up. No, no, no, we have vacation days, but they're pretty much just for going to your Nana's funeral. They're not for actually like fucking relaxing because you get four of them. Vacation closed day. As I pulled into the parking lot, I had the sudden realization that I only glanced at the theme schedule once, jotted it down on my calendar and heard no word of it since. I'm now second guessing myself. What if today isn't a spirit day? Should I call

in from the parking lot and go home? And that's from floral in Fort Wayne. This took a chronological turn that I wasn't quite expecting. Like it was it was not a perspective shift as much as it was like a time shift. I think this question asker is a time shifter. I like questions where people send them to us and the answer is only applicable for about a five minute window several weeks ago. It gives you the sense of urgency, but not. You're right. It's like simultaneous urgency and the complete lack thereof. I think it is completely legitimate for you to put on vacation clothes and then drive to your workplace and then look in there and look at what you're wearing and think, this is so fucking grim. I'm going to actually just do the vacay. I'm already dressed

for it. This is what this person is debating, right? Right. Should I just take a vacation day? Like, yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah, you're already dressed for it. Just fucking piss off all day. This is the start of at least two different movies that I can think of. Joe versus the volcano in office space. We're going to this moment of like, you know what? I'm just going to wear my Hawaiian shirt to work. Oh, also, I fucking hate this place. This place sucks. Also, you know, it all comes out in the wash. Sometimes you'll be out on spring break and you'll wake up and you'll put on some khakis and you'll put on a nice Oxford and you'll be like, oh, I guess my body wants work and then you'll go to work because it's what your body craves at that moment. You got to go

or the clothes make the person is what I say. It makes them go to the places that they need to go that day. The traveling pants, the ice cream suit, all of those things. Ice cream suit, you know what you're doing that day. You know you're going down to Cold Stone and you know that you're robbing it. Oh, no. Why did I put on this ice cream suit? You put on the ice cream suit, you pull the hood over your face, you say, I got to have it. I would say have no fear, walk into work wearing it. And if people are like, why are you dressed like that? Just say, it's a spirit day because here's the thing. It's a completely arbitrary thing. And if someone says, no, it isn't, then you say, well, point me towards the spirit day authority and we'll find out.

That's good. You could also look at the calendar and be more diligent about that. It's a one step. I know, I know, I know. I'm just saying in the future it would be cool to do whatever tomorrow's spirit day is going to be just to give people a sneak peek of what it's going to what, how big a jackass they're going to look like. Hey guys, why are you wearing pajamas? I'm just saying next week, this is what you're all going to look like. So really think about it. It is interesting to think that it sounds like there's a really loose grasp on what day is what. You could just wear whatever the fuck you want to work any day. And if someone sees you be like, why are you like, oh, I thought it was, and it's like, okay, cool. Like just wear whatever you want.

This is, it sounds like wild west. You're speaking as someone who has worked out of their home for the past several years. You have lost perspective. That is true. I have worked many a job with many a, a dress code and man, it's, uh, you started, I hate khaki pants so much. I can't, I've worked so many khaki pants. Can't get me in them these days. I've turned mine into fun t-shirts. I watched, I watched a Facebook video where you cut the, uh, crotch out of it and you can make them into cool t-shirts. You just put your head through the crotch hole and you wear the legs like sleeves? Now you're getting it. I mean, good to get a little, uh, crop top action going. Folks can see your Bebo. My hairy Bebo.

Hey, have you been reading, uh, the belly button book? The fuck you haven't read in the belly button book? What do you think I am? Hell yeah. So to show my hairy Bebo my hip bones, cute summer look, people like it. And then I have a zipper for my chest hair to get stuck in. Uh, Jesus, this is so, I can't get over how grim this is. It's, I can't get past it. Like, I, I think you should quit probably, but like, you didn't list that among the options. That's a privileged position to take, but good God almighty. I, listen, I am not saying that all like jobs suck and working at a factory is bad or anything like that. I think somebody saying, Hey, you know what would be fun if you,

our workforce, pretended like you didn't have to come to work today and you wore the clothes that you found enjoyable and relaxing while you had to do your job. Like, right, that's mean. We never get to, we never get to see you on the weekend, Tyler. Show me, show me Saturday, Tyler. I would love to see who, uh, I would love to take a walk in his mind. Can we, should we give them a job? Yes. Welcome to your new gig. You got the job, uh, here at my brother, my brother, me industries. And that job is to follow us to the money zone. It's not a very good house. How else are we going to provide for our burgeoning staff? Hey, I'd like to tell you about Casper. Okay. I love Casper. There. I said it. I'm not afraid.

I'm begging you. Here's the thing. You tell me not to talk about it every time, but I'm in love. I'm in love and I don't care who knows it, Griffin. I love it. It's the way, it's the, it's the fucking full blown Oprah's stank that you put on set these words. I'm in love. Okay. I like when I sleep on it and they have a brand new hybrid mattress that combines the pressure relief of their wood winning foam with durable yet gentle springs. I can't wait to sleep upon it and fall in love all over again. Oh my God. And you can be sure of your approaches with Casper's 100 night risk free sleep on it trial. So get $100 towards select master's is by visiting Casper.com and using brother and checkout. That's Casper.com slash brother.

Use the word brother and checkout terms and conditions apply. Justin do bowling branch. You like to sleep right? We've already proven that conclusively with our extensive meditation on beds and okay. I'm in like with these great sheets. Hey, soften your heart. Let down your walls. Soften your heart and soften these sheets. What's that? You don't need to because everything that BNB makes is designed with your comfort in mind from their 100% organic cotton signature soft sheets, the cozy throws, their plush towels, bowling branch products have thousands of five star reviews. People are at the heart of everything they do from the farmers who grow their organic cotton to the people who vape their organic cotton

in the vape room that they have set up there on the process because they're a considered employer. They also offer a no risk 30 day trial and free shipping in the US. You can return them the stuff you buy from them if you don't love it. Thank you. I have their plush towels and this is this is 100% true. When I'm drying off after my shower, the bowling branch towel, dry my hair, dry my face, dry my arms, dry my chest, dry my tummy, dry my back and then I fold it up and I use another towel for the downtown stuff because I don't even want to risk it. You can get started with their products right now. Our listeners get $50 off your first set of sheets at bowlandbranch.com promo code my brother. Now, when I say bowlandbranch.com promo code my brother, I'm not talking about the regular

way of writing it. I'm talking about B-O-L-L and branch.com. It's a bad name, which I'll continue to say in every bowling branch ad because I'm kind of curious if they listen. So don't tell me. Don't tell them. Don't tweet. I'll know. I'm just going to keep saying it's a bad name. They should have picked something different and they should change it until I get an email from maximumfun.com. Until I get you off from maximumfun telling me, Justin, stop it. Stop doing that. They're extremely angry with you. I will continue to mention how the sheets are great. So good. The name is rad. And the promo code there my brother is all one word. You think greatsheets.com is taken? It has to be, right? It has to be, right?

Greatsheets. Yeah. Okay. What about greatsheets.pizza? I'm going to fix this for them. Greatsheets, Z is trademark. Someone said greatsheets.com. That is trademarked. Well, but do they just want to be sheets? What about greatsheets.ghost? Great soft. Great soft stuff. Greatsoftstuff.com. Let's see if that's taken. That's available at $12.99. Greatsoftstuff.com will take you to Boll and Branch. So you don't have to remember it's B-O-L-L anymore. Greatsoftstuff.com. And you can use that same promo code, my brother, but just with a different website that doesn't require you to remember that Boll

is misspelled intentionally. I listen to reading glasses because Bria and Mallory have great tips. You're a comics reader and you want to use a library connected app. You can try out Hoopla. I listen for the other interviews. I'm mad at myself that I waited as long as I did to start reading Joan Didion. They give me reading advice. I didn't even know I needed it. If you go in person to an event and go up to an author or a filmmaker or anybody and tell them what you don't like about their work, you're a trash baby. Look, I understand you didn't like Heroes Season 3. That's fine. I don't actually need to know that information. I'm Bria Grant and I'm Mallory O'Mara. We're reading glasses and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Would that let me absorb the luck? In parentheses, if you want to see the clover, it's on my Instagram and then they've provided their Instagram handle. Here's the thing. If you hold the clover, you get a little bit of luck over time, right? Spread out over time till it's all used up. Interesting. Eat the clover. You do get one big burst of luck. Yeah. One big good luck for eating the clover. Right. The question is, what do you have planned for the day? If you're like, I've got the big game coming up, yeah, eat the clover. Eat it. But if you're like, I was just going to sit around, maybe hold the clover and you find like a dollar in the couch. You know what I mean? I'm saying, Griffin, would you eat it?

Well, if it's for the big game, as you know, when you eat it, you get about four seconds of super good luck. So I would need a whole big old Ziploc bag full of these things, which I probably have to crowdsource. You could do like, okay, you got two strikes. It's the bottom of the ninth. You're down by two, right? You're at bat. You got two players on base already. You see the pitcher wind up real quick. You pop it in your mouth, chew it up, and then you swing. And then if you satellite, a satellite falls from the skies and destroys the pitcher, which of course counts as a home run for the batter, which is a weird rule. I don't know what that allows. If the pitcher's destroyed mid-pitch, it's called interference and is

automatic home run. Here's what they don't tell you. This is what leprechauns won't tell you. I'm going to pull the curtain back. What leprechauns won't tell you is the good luck you get from four-leaf clover is because that four-leaf clover has siphoned luck away from someone else and given them bad luck. So in that circumstance, you're getting a burst of good luck and the pitcher is getting a pretty solid burst of bad luck, right? Like what are the odds? Because if you're going to have good luck, someone else has to suffer. Just remember that. Yes, and then right when you're looking at it, Traff. Yeah, I know. Listen, I'm telling you what those leprechaun bigwigs won't tell you. I'm ready to give you all the secrets

that the leprechauns don't want you to know. Buy my book for $2,999. Buy my book. You guys like the critic? So like... It's been our new segment. You guys like the critic? It's a pretty good segment. It stinks, Justin. It stinks. Oh, I love that. It stinks, right? If it's in you, you're still making content. Does it have to be physical contact for the luck to get on you or what's the story? Yeah. I mean, you have to be in possession of it. That's nine-tenths of the law. Read a book. But the thing is, is when you consume it, your tummy acids start breaking down the luck molecules. And so that's when their energy is released, right? Big burst, but then they're gone. Can my tummy tell if I've taken a three-leaf clover

and glued a fourth leaf onto it? Now, if you have four three-leaf clovers, you do have three four-leaf clovers. So that's another thing the leprechauns won't tell you. The people working in your tummy factor are like, oh, shit, we got a lot of four-leaf clovers coming in. One, two, three, five, 12. Okay, yeah. Whatever the fuck. Oh, man. They don't know. This job's so hard. Uh oh, corn, corn, corn alert, We still have to figure out what to do with this shit. Oh no! Okay?

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. I want a munch! What? Squawn. Squawn. Squawn.

Squawn. Squawn. Squawn. Squawn. Squawn. For some reason, that one gave me the feeling of a janitor rolling in in the middle of a meeting. Just like, hey, don't wanna meet us here to empty the cans.

I want a munch. I want a munch. I want a munch. I want a munch. Carly, incidents of -... Aaagh! scarescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescaacescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescarescaresca. Punch! Punch!

Oh uhhhhhh! Yeah. It was really good! Good News! For Dirtault一定 most modern haha Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Karzy Z Z Black Cave She does say what is going national, baby!

following the limited time launches of..... Pickle fried chicken, Kentucky fried chicken and waffles and Cinnabon dessert biscuits, the KFC Cheeto sandwiches. Another example of how KFC is continuing to take food innovation to new heights. After an overwhelmingly successful test earlier this year, Kentucky fried chicken and fan favorite cheetos are giving fans nation, they should just say Durbags, but okay, giving fans nationwide

access to the sought after Cheetos sandwich for just four short weeks. Beginning July 1st. This is a special twist on the KFC crispy kernel sandwich. This, and I think this is literal in this case, dangerously cheesy combination is made by coating KFC's juicy, hand-breaded. OK, I'm not going to tell you guys, we're going to do much called quiz. How do you think the KFC Cheeto sandwich is constructed? Give me your recipe for if I come into the meeting and I'm like, boys,

we got to do it. KFC Cheetos, make the sandwich. What is it? I'm going to say it's hand-breaded, including. Did you say hand-breaded because that you're on the right track? It's hand-breaded with a mixture of Cheetos dust. OK, I think there's Cheetos dust in it. And then maybe some kind of like cheesy sauce.

I'm going to Cheetos has to be a part of every whole ass Cheetos right there on top. I think whole ass Cheetos are on there. I think Cheetos, I think they will call it Cheetos milk. Cheetos blood. I think they'll just call it. It's it says hand-breaded and I love how they say it's hand-breaded as if I care about the fucking like TLC that went into this fucking. Yeah, I think it's Cheetos all the way down.

And with each sandwich, we put just a little bit of irony in every hand-breaded filet. Yeah, ironically, KFC, the dangerously cheesy combination is made by coating KFC's juicy hand-breaded extra crispy chicken filet with special Cheetos sauce. That's what it says, special Cheetos sauce. Get that regular Cheetos sauce, the fuck out of here. This is for Jeremy. He does the best.

This and placing it on a toasted bun with a this is a quote that I fucking cannot parse with a quote pinch of the thumb index and middle fingers layer of crunchy Cheetos. Huh. I don't know what that means, but that's what it said. I guess it's like how many you can get with three fingers. If you imagine that grabbing motion, like that amount of Cheetos out is like on there. And then it says with the Colonel's Mayo.

And I don't know if we can hold that, but I would like to not include the Colonel's Mayo. Just waiting for an expose, doesn't it? Yeah. What did you think the Colonel's Mayo was? This is why they keep going through the actors so fast. It's because Reba steps in and she's like, gosh, I'm excited to be the Colonel. And they're like, okay, so we do have to tell you the company secret. They opened up the briefcase and she looks at it and says, no, I'm done.

Y'all to find another one. At the end, you are processed and turned into the Colonel's Mayo. I haven't seen Reba in a while. Where's Reba? Reba's gone. I love the new barbecue flavor of the Colonel's Mayo. The Colonel's Mayo is Reba. To celebrate the nationwide launch of the sandwich.

Chester Cheetah will be murdered summarily. No, he doesn't say that. Chester Cheetah will be taking over Manhattan's 14th Street KFC restaurant. Can't the police do something on Thursday? He's going to be taking. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you, Travis. I'm excited.

Yeah. Well, it's going to be an exclusive all orange everything pop-up event where customers can try the sandwich for the first time and advance the restaurant in restaurant availability on July 1st. Why does that stuff always happen in New York? It just doesn't seem fair. I'm not there. Um, both cans KFC and Cheetos have dedicated and passionate fan bases,

which if you have to say it in a press release is probably a lie. So it only made sense to merge these two iconic brands together to provide an irresistible and flavorful sandwich that offers the best of both worlds. Oh my God. Planet, Planet Cheese and KFC Hell. Best of both worlds. Fa, um, it's, uh, they're creating delicious menu items that flant fans flock toward, which is accurate because they are sheep.

I am looking at a picture of this sandwich and what I want to discuss now is the textural difficulties that this thing is going to provide. First of all, it's bigger than any human mouth. Like you are going to have to attack this thing from the side. Good, good news. The people eating this can only loosely be described as humans. Okay, so that's fine. Let's just go through it bottom to top and talk about the textual experience bottom bun.

That's soggy as fuck at this point. There's no way that buns get into you with any amount of crisp toastiness left. Then you just have wet. That's the kernels mayo and you know how I feel about that. Then you have whole ass fucking Cheetos. That's going to be, you know, they're too some, they're a two some bite and they're are, they're going to flop all around. They're going to be loose.

That's a challenge. And then you have very, very heavily crusted fried chicken. You get the more crunch meat crunch on top of that and then another wet bread. There's like, that's, that is going to suck. There is no way that you pull your mouth away from that thing with what you would call a good bite of it, a good cross section, good representative bite of this fucking thing. This looks like a real aggro crack.

I would eat the hell out of this. Oh my God, Travis. Listen, Travis, I wouldn't be proud of it, but I'm saying that given the opportunity to try it, I wouldn't, I don't think I'd come away. Well, I don't think I'd walk away from the experience at all, but I don't think I'd walk away from the experience saying like, this is it. This is the new taste sensation. But if you gave me the opportunity to eat a Cheetos, you know, chicken sandwich

or whatever, I'd probably do it. I like Cheetos. I like fried chicken. If we can hold, you know, the Colonel's mess, then I would totally check it out. The Colonel's made such, the Colonel and Chester have made such a big mess. They're selling such a big, big mess. And also Quick Munch Squad Junior just so people don't send it to me. Arby's made carrot out of meat.

Get it! Yeah. It's just a fucking, they're not going to sell it. I'm only interested in things that they think that you, a human, would consume with your, but want to consume with your body. Um, so yes, that also happened. It's called the merit because it's made of meat. That man, they sure do like meat there, huh?

I've noticed, I've noticed a thread, a sort of common thread with all of their sort of messaging. They sure do like meat and you know what they hate? Fucking vegetables. Yeah. They don't like vegetables. They do love meat. This next question that we got, we don't normally do these like help

me like make a judgment call here, but this one just baked my noodle so hard. I had to include it because I want to know what you guys think. Oh yeah. This is, this is an important subject. Uh, Justin, would you please read the question? I would read it, but I think that would weird people out because it's just not what we do. At a gaming convention last summer, I needed a gaming convention.

Uh, last summer, I needed to quickly grab lunch between panels. I was moderating. The line at the food truck was huge. So I walked to the person who was first in line and offered to pay them for their meal if they ordered for me too. Oh, my friend says this is the same as cutting in line and was bad. I think it's more like postmates where I paid someone to get lunch for me. But on the other hand, I recognize that this increased the weight in line for

the time it would take to cook my order. I'm worried my friend might be right. They are. So I haven't done this since then. Brothers, was I cutting in line or no? And that's from genuinely concerned at GenCon. Let's. Yes.

This was bad. Can we obviously back? Can you've run the numbers already? You know it was bad, but run the numbers. Can we, can we tweak it? Can we tweak reality just a little bit? I got the, I got one of Thanos's cool stones and I snapped my fingers and the thing changes.

Okay. What if instead of going to the person in the front of the line and saying like, Hey, it's like postmates. You work for it. Hey, look, you work for me now. Instead of that, what if your buddy is like, like in the middle of the line or close to the front of the line, you're like, Oh shit. Hey, can you go ahead and get me a burrito too?

Is that bad? No. This is what I'm saying. I don't think this is bad. I think what it is, is it's revolutionary and sometimes when something is revolutionary, it can seem bad. It can seem scary at the time, but then we look back on it in the future and it's like, wow, on that day, they changed the game of ordering at food trucks.

Now here's the problem. If everyone starts to do this, there's going to be one person in line who's ordering 500 meals. Yeah. Yeah. And the 500, the 500 of the person's going to have to get stuck with the bill, which is too bad. Have, have you guys noticed that I, I would, my hat does go off to this person in

one regard that I have found with food trucks that you are either ordering and getting your food in like a few minutes or spending a good amount of your life and missing your daughter's high school graduation as you wait for a slimy taco. Have you noticed this? Like there's a immense amount of variability in food truck speed that we've all just decided to accept. Yeah.

Yeah. What's, what's the deal? Can you say it like that? Can you do it again, Justin, but do it like, what's the deal with food truck? Jerry never got to do that. Do you ever think about the, the jokes that Seinfeld didn't get to do? I bet he'd have some stuff to say. I bet he'd have some fun with that.

What? No, but can I just say, but for real guys, what is the deal with food trucks? Is it a car? This sucks. Uh, it's, it's obviously cut seas if you put your body in the line. Yes. But it's like psychic cut seas. If you just put your desires in the line.

I would argue that it's only cut seas if you are adding one more sale between like if, if I, if someone said like, if someone said, I'm going to get a burrito, right? And someone walked up and said, make it two burritos. The order time is the same. Now, if someone said, I'm going to get a burrito and they say, cool, let me step in behind you and obviously the, yeah, obviously, obviously we're talking about the other thing.

I have, I have a new, I have a new. Plan stand at the front of the line with a stack of 20 US dollar bills. As people have received their order in the moment in the flush of victory upon receiving their order, you offer to buy, Hey, can I have three chips? Can I just have three chips for this $1 bill? You won't want those three chips by the time you're done consuming your dish. Just give me three chips. And then I think you can just sort of give me one bite of your burrito.

It's like food antiquing. You know, you're just, you're just getting a little bit off the top. You're at the sampler table. You're getting your points on the back end. Exactly. Exactly. Hey, here's, here's the deal. I'll stand in line with you and massage your back.

I'm just going to need 10 points on that burrito and merch rights to that burrito. Did I say merchant munch rights on your burrito? Just three chips. I'll make it. You can have the first bite because I know how that I wouldn't like it. But I get the second slice me off one fifth of that Kit Kat bar and I bring me off a well measured piece of that Kit Kat bar. Now I'm off to dessert.

Now you don't want my mouth on your food. That's fine. I got two buckets here. One's full of quarters. One's about to be full of little slices of food that my friend, my new friends whittle off into it. And then there's a third bucket. That's for cleaning the other two buckets.

Don't look at that bucket. It gets so fucking nasty. And don't put the food in the quarters one. I don't want that metal stink all over my falafel. This is time theft. Don't fucking do it. I think it's fine. Don't do it.

Your friend was right. Don't do it. I think your friend is just afraid of the change you've made in the world. The ripple that you've begun. The bad ripple. The ripple of people eating their food. Maybe Justin, you're a doofus. Maybe.

Maybe it's bad. Maybe it's not. Sometimes change is scary. We are fucking hanging on by a thread. We are hanging on by a thread and waiting in line for food is like ground level society. Do not start dismantling what little fabric we have left as a people wait in line for your fucking churro and then get it like everybody else. Okay.

We're hanging on by a fucking thread and we're all just going to wait in line and enjoy our burritos. All right. All right. You know what? You've convinced me, Justin. What if there was 60 windows on this? What is now becoming a sort of food train and you have to catch up with the food train?

Food train is better because that's the problem is there's just the one window and no one's talking about that. No one's talking about food train. No one's talking about how if you had 60 windows, we could all just get our food the moment we want it. You know what's it? Thank you. You know what's a kick ass spot that millennials love to go and nosh down at is

Amtrak stations. Get there after the big game. Head over there after church. Get to the Amtrak station. Hit up the food train. Okay. Listen, can I hit you guys? Stop the podcast and let's talk about food train for a second, right?

What if there was a single train track that wound its way through this great land we called America and their food train stops wherever like all throughout the country, right? But it's just the one train and the one train track. And then when you started to get a lot, you have like a single car, right? And people are lining up there at the carnival because it's in town for the carnival that you're having. All events will take place on the food train track.

Okay. So you if the line gets to be more than two people in line, another car on the food train comes and joins that one. And all of a sudden you got twice as many windows. No one is waiting. If those people dissipate, the food train goes to the next station where it is needed. Do you understand?

It's infinite capacity. And it only does hamburgers. You can't special order it. Yes, there's just the hamburgers on your phone. What is it? They are good hamburgers. Not the best hamburgers. It's not Burger King.

You can't have it your way. You have it train way. That's it. That's the only way available. This train way. This idea beats so much ass that it's going to become the only legal way to obtain food. Now we've entered into a program that I would like to call snack piercer.

And in this one, we have to, we, you have to live on Burger train. You know, you never tear about how these dystopian societies start with a kick ass idea like food train. They all like, maybe it was supposed to be like dope. Like wouldn't it be cool if we could just watch everybody big brother happens? You know what I mean? But at the beginning it was like, that would be cool.

Like we could watch everybody and just make sure they don't get into trouble. It would be so sick if some of us started eating the other ones of us and then it's like walking dead. It's like, oops, you took it. I didn't mean, I didn't mean all of us. Ah, shoot. Uh, dang it. I stand by food train though.

I feel pretty good. We just need to close the food train. The oils, they have hot oils inside and when it takes a turn. That's why only automatons can work on food train. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so now you're giving away American jobs, Justin. There, I'm create.

It's a zero sum game Travis. I'm not taking away any jobs. There isn't a food train right now. It's just a zero sum game. You aren't taking away hypothetical jobs. Dystopian jobs. Yes. Now what I do like, you're also creating American jobs because someone would

need to build both the train and the automatons. I like that part. And destroy so many buildings to make way. Food train tracks. It, I, I estimate to have a train track that it weaves its way through our entire country will take, let me just check my math here. 783 years. So there is that.

Especially because, especially because it's going to purposefully weave directly through every McDonald's and Burger King that already exists in America. Also it's on roads. We got rid of roads and it's just food train. What about my car? You don't drive cars anymore. The earth is dying.

The train. There's no cars. There's just food train. Solar powered hamburger slinging food train is the future. Get on board now. Literally. But don't get on board because it is. There's a hot grease in here.

There's so many moving servos. If you just like, that's what I'm saying. Don't get too close to food train because you will be caught up in it. Like an old timey industrial worker. Every surface on food train is a broiler. We couldn't afford to just have single board. This is a hot, wet robot train and it will annihilate you. Now you might want to get on because we have bulldozed every forest

in America to make way for this train track. We get that. You want to get on because it's bad out here. It is a. If the robots are made of metal, why do we need discreet grills? Correct. Do you understand what I'm saying? They're cooking on their grill.

These hot sexy robots are grilling the burgers on their chests and peeling them off for you. A delighted carnival. They're peeling them off each other's chest. It's sexy in there. We get why you'd want to get on the train. But you gotta resist the siren song of the robot food train. If you get on this sexy, hot, wet, greasy train, you will die.

I don't know why the scientists made them all look like Mark Ruffalo. I don't understand. Guys, this sexy burger train will fuck you up fam. Listen, the Ruffalo bots are grilling hamburgers on each other's chest and delivering them to your town, whether you like it or not. Do not get on this train or you will die. But also do not miss the train because it's the only food opportunity you have left.

This train is delicious and it is uninsured. There will be no one to care for your family. No recompense will be made for your death. We did use all of our resources to create both the food train and the Ruffalo bots. Nothing is left for healthcare. We are so sorry, but please enjoy this burger. That's $5.99.

It's all of our budget goes to food train and war because everybody else hates us for our food train. Everybody wants our food train. Now in the case of a foreign invasion, the Ruffalo bots will will militarize. So they will continue making hamburgers though. So do not fear, but it's sort of a they just see people situation. Yes, that is going to be bad.

That's also going to be bad at that point. You want to stay away from the train. We are still working on some kind of way of letting you know whether we're in a approaches train or stay away from the train situation. We haven't figured that part out yet. We'll get there folks. We'll get there, but but not this episode.

Unfortunately, this one has come to a an end a screeching halt if it were. Thank you so much for listening to it. We hope you have enjoyed yourself. If you want to come see us live this here in the next few months, you still have some opportunities. You can see July 16th. We'll be doing some first off on the list of Taz readings of

our new book murder on the Rockport Limited. The Avengers and one of the Rockport Limited. It's a second graphic novel and we're going to be doing some readings. Me, Kerry and Griffin are going to be in New York on July 16th. Travis and dad are going to be in Portland on July 16th, July 17th. You can see me and Griffin in Austin and you see Travis and

Clint, our dad in Los Angeles. Please come to that show for sure, if possible. And then July 19th, we're all going to be in San Diego, California with dad, me, Travis, Griffin, dad, Kerry. Everybody's going to be in that one. It's July 19th in San Diego. Tickets to those are at bit.ly forward slash become the monster, I believe.

Or you can just go to macro.family and click on tours. We're also doing some Mbem-Bem and Taz shows. Our July 20th Taz in San Diego may be sold out. I do not know. August 30th and 31st. We're going to be in Atlanta with Taz Mbem-Bem. Let's see, September 1st, Orlando with Mbem-Bem, September 25th, we're going to be doing the adventure zone.

Yeah, there's a lot more throughout the fall. Just go, that's in Washington, by the way, but there's a lot more going throughout the fall. Go check out bit.ly forward slash become the monster or go to macro.family and click on tours and hopefully you can come see us. And Justin mentioned the murder on the Rockport Limited. You can pre-order that book, whether you're going to those

bookshows or not, which I highly suggest. We're really proud of this one. It's really good. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. Go to theadventureszonecomic.com. Pre-order it today. It comes out, I believe, July 16th or 17th, one of those.

Don't be the last person in the world to get one. Go order it now. I heard a rumor that everybody on planet has gotten it, but you. Oh, no. Thanks to John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song and to departure off the album, putting the days to bed, sick album, killer tunes and killer

riffs, great beats, and it's great. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the networking. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows. They are shows like, you know, Can I Pet Your Dog and Baby Geniuses and Beef and Dairy Network and a bunch more. And like we said, we got other stuff at macroi.family, including New Merch and just all kinds of just good stuff.

Everybody ready for me to end the show? Yes. Here's a final yahoo that was sent in by Emily. Thanks, Emily. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user. I'm going to call Scrange asks. How is it? We had 45 presidents and 52 Super Bowls,

but George Jefferson was elected before Super Bowl. Conspiracy? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. Doug Griffith McElroy. He's been my brother, my brother, and he used to do that skirmish. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try the Beef and Dairy Network? They won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I'm all. There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s.

Specialist Bovine Arsvet. Both of his eyes are Squid's eyes. Yogurt. Buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Farm raised. Snow leopard. Download it today.

That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from Maximumfun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or, weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.