My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 467: Leonardo Di-Zap!-rio

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

Friends! We have a question for you: How many hot dogs did YOU eated last week? Did you do the most, out of everyone? Please tell us if you did the most, so we can give you the biggest trophy. Also, Jesse Eisenberg is in this one. Suggested talking points: Caesar Salad Contest, Viral Mom, Crush the Trash Real Small, Teen Donuts, Pee Mail (w/ Guestpert Jesse Eisenberg), Hermit Crab Distinction, Hair Ownership

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother. Me and advice show from the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis. I need you guys to keep in mind that I edit the podcast, and when you introduce these just

delicious, delectable pauses, it's hell, it is hell on earth. But it's fun for people at home because they get anticipation tingles. They don't get anticipation, they don't get ASMR, they've listened to 500 fucking episodes of this. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm building off of what we have said already about this, so you can't remove it from the show. Griffin, do your thing, baby. Everyone I want you to meet my youngest brother. It'll be really confusing because that sentence is going to sound really normal once I do my sick stuff to it.

This is Griffin McElroy. Can I tell y'all something? Something I just found out looking up. We're recording this on the third, so this is topical when I say that. Of course. Of course. The 4th of July in the United States is in Penis Day. Now it is also National Barbecued Spare Ribs Day. It's also National Caesar Salad Day.

It's a foil to the spare ribs people. That was the one actually organized by Caesar Salads because for a day they could just fucking relax because nobody's going to come eat one of them. Not that day. No one's eating a Caesar Salad. And if you have been tempted in the year of our lord to tweet at me a picture of the Grootie Caesar Salad that you ate on the 4th of July, I am not interested. No. No. Don't do it. No. Wait a minute. Is that the stinky salad? Because I think it is. The one with chokes? You got the stinky salad going? I mean, I don't want to throw your hot dog eating contest in the garbage can.

Pick up Joey Chestnut from the armpits. Lift him into the big garbage can and release him. Squeeze gently because he's full of wet buns. But do place him right in the garbage can because I'm going to have that Caesar Salad eating contest to celebrate the birth of the Statue of Liberty from the womb of independence from those mean Europe ones. I mean, it's all one, right? It's just one. It's just everybody at the table does one and then they go home as friends. Would it be the biggest salad or the most salad? I think that you make a bet on the weight of salad you can consume and then it's like whoever gets closest without going over kind of deal. Yeah. Now you would have to not wait.

Like you couldn't have a weight running during it, right? You'd have to say like, I think I will eat 10 pounds of salad, right? And then you just start eating and then you say, and I'm done. I think that was 10 pounds and make it about guessing how close you can get to the weight that you said. I am getting really excited about this. This year's eating competition is going to be huge. The exact same people win every year. So it's thrilling for me. The same man has won the men's competition every year since 2007. Of course, Joe Chestnut who sort of took the torch from Kobayashi after it was his turn to win and now it's Joey's turn. He exploded like Mr. Creosel and now it's Joey's turn. And one day he'll explode and I'll step in.

2015, sorry. I want to give credit to Matt Stoney who bested Joe in 2015, but that's been it. It's been pretty uneventful since then. This year, Joey is going to be looking at top record 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes. If you guys had to take on Joey and bring him, take him down, take him out, what would be your strategy? Oh, I think you're going to say how many hot dogs do I think I could consume in 10 minutes? Because I think my strategy would be to tap out really early. Oh, interesting. Well, I can't heartburn. And I have stuff to do on the 5th. I would argue that Joey's got stuff to do on the 5th. I would guess Joey keeps a clear calendar on the 5th. He's got a clear calendar.

He's got a clear path to the bathroom. He's got a completely just non-existent Google calendar, I would say from the 5th to the 12th. He's got Clippy like, I see you're trying to schedule something on the 6th. Are you sure? Are you positive? He's got his iPad plugged into the charger in the bathroom. Netflix ready to roll, baby. He probably already has Shazam downloaded. She's ready to watch Shazam, yeah. He's ready to fire it up. Poop all day, I mean. Hey, can I ask you guys a question? It's the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. What? For the worst. What's funny about that? You're thinking about his big poopy? The whole thing. The whole thing is wild. The whole thing is the worst.

So Nathan likes to make people hurt. And so obviously Nathan loves this. Nathan loves watching Joey Chestnut and his weird bad throat just destroy all these dogs, right? And everybody gets so excited from Nathan's when they see this and they celebrate the nation's independence when they watch a man eat 74 hot dogs, which is terrible. In 10 minutes. In 10 minutes. But let me ask this. Do you think the company that makes the buns is as psyched to watch their creation get besoiled in a big nasty cup of grime and then slurped down? That's not even a gnarly enough on a monopoetic sort of creation. It gets down the throat. I bet you the bun makers are like, ah, fuck, that's not good promotion.

No one's going to see that and be like, you know what? I could go out and eat some regular hot dog buns with nothing on them. Well, that's the thing. I think maybe this will be the end. This is my side bet for the hot dog that Nathan's goes, hey, you know what? This might be the least advertising way to try to advertise our product. The least. It's like if they were, if they were trying to fucking advertise Shazam by showing a movie theater where they have locked in 100 people for four straight days watching nothing but Shazam. And then they walk out of the theaters. I want to hear what their review is. That's the thing. So that's it. Hey, if I was Nathan's, you know what the hot dog eating contest

I would propose is? Watch somebody eat one hot dog for 10 minutes and try to act like they're enjoying it as much as possible and then judge you one by a round of applause. Yeah. Who most artistically savers a hot dog for 10 minutes. Yes. Who can who can dress it with the best condiments? Who can who could savor it the most? And who had the most orgasmic enjoyment of a single Nathan's hot dog? No, that's that's if you moan in the daytime Fourth of July contest, you are out. You save that for Nathan's after dark. Nathan's after dark. We can get pretty raunchy on these dogs and these bugs. I'll have what he's having. And that's my secret. A lot of people focus on dog based sexual humor. Let's talk about that bun, though. Lots of opportunities

for Nathan's after dark, though. Don't get kicked out of the daytime. It's kind of like a butt in some ways. You could say that, but are a fan or whatever. Do you guys know that there is another title held by Joey Chestnut? And the world's greatest lover. World Poutine eating champion. I mean, can you fathom it? Can you fathom those delicious shit? Those those little pillows in the gravy, those little pilly cheese gravy curds flown down a river right into fame and success. He talks to a scheduler. Hey, what day is the poutine eating one on? The poutine eating one is on July 5th. Is my is my will up to date? Am I good? Am I good to go? Could you tell Mrs. Chestnut that I love her?

Here's some other Joey Chestnut world records he holds right now. Grilled cheese sandwiches. He did 47 in 10 minutes. Pulled them right down. Yum-a-dum-a. Huh? Horseshoe sandwich. That's an open face one. That seems a little specific. I think he's just finding some things that people don't probably don't need a lot of. Joey Chestnut's grandma's special goulash. He ate one bowl in 10 minutes. Yeah. He's got the boson record, baby. That's 7.5 bosons in 10 minutes. Oh, I could do that. Could you? No. Interesting. I could do 6.83 bosons. He did 53 soft beat tacos from Taco Bell in 10 minutes. Oh, now that's a day. That is a day. That next day, Valerie clear my week. It's going to be, it's going to be tough.

Yeah. I mean, I think juice, I think we can just assume that he's going to have bad shits for a long time after any of these. And probably has some before, right? Because he's probably taking some stimulants to clean the pipes out a little bit. Where's the like national celery eating day? The national like roughage eating day. That's probably the day before the national hot dog contest, isn't it? Okay. And that's my limit. We hit it. There it is. Oh, wow. We found it. Cool, everybody. Mark it down. We've just broken the world record for yucking out Griffin. This is, as you've almost certainly guessed, an advice show. We are going to help you, the common person with your queries for wisdom. And this is how we do it just like this.

My mom wants to start a YouTube channel about cooking. She told me she quote plans on it going viral. I've tried explaining that it doesn't work that way, but she doesn't listen. She does not even have a camera or a space to record videos, but she already has her channel and she bought a domain name. This is good. She also wants me to edit her videos. I don't know how to edit videos. How do I stop her before she throws a bunch of money into the black hole called YouTube? There it is. They don't have a funny name. They're just desperately trying to get help. That's what the username is for that one. I mean, Chewbacca Mom didn't have a fucking studio set up, did she? Yes. Chewbacca Mom didn't have a, you know,

sure as 500, whatever the fuck, microphone, getting that GoPro 4K shit. I don't know how YouTubers do it, but you know, all she had was a cell phone, a dream and a plastic mask of Chewbacca that talked. Are you suggesting that she wears the Chewbacca mask while she does cooking? Yes. That could be funny. Chew, Chewcooka. That's all I've got. Chewbacca. Damn it. Chewbacca is good. Chewbacca. Where are Chewbacca masks? Chewbacca presents Chewbacca and Chewbacca pays for it and does live music in the studio while you cook wearing the Chewbacca Mom mask. This thing writes itself. That's viral right there. That's viral. That's viral. That's max virality. You don't need a camera because she has a phone, right? So we're halfway there. A space to record sounds like a

kitchen to me. Yeah, like a kitchen. She's gonna film in her kitchen and you don't know how to edit videos. Cut out the curses. It's that easy. Yes. Just take out the boring parts and only leave the good parts. I've seen YouTube. They have tons of edits. You cut out anything where the person isn't talking or making noise. It'll be 30 seconds long. She's making a million dollars. Or leave the curses in. That might be viral. Like if she's like me and burns her hands on the oven a lot, leave that in. That's gold. Imagine you had a YouTube video and it started like this. My mom my mom asked me to edit her YouTube videos. She never said if I should leave anything in besides the curses. And it's just like two minutes of your mom being like, fuck, god damn it.

Shit. Ah, the fucking batter. Ah, these goddamn eggs. Motherfucker. That would be good vid. It would kill. You make a ton of money. It's good to put your vision board out there. You want it to go viral. You plan on it going viral. That's, you know, that's probably half the thing. But sometimes you don't have to plan on it going viral. Sometimes it's a case of like the less you want it, the more you'll get it. Like when I was in high school and for my TV news class, I choreographed a lightsaber fight with my friend Corey Jackson. And then we did a whole sort of light side, dark side lightsaber fights. I didn't think, Hey, in 20 years, people are going to fucking drag me for this so hard. They're going to drag me for this and they won't ever let me go.

They're going to drag me and drag me and drag me until I'm bones. Right. And it happened for me. So it can happen for your mom. Have her do a lightsaber fight. You said this happened to me. I got on the, I was at the Huntington Pride parade last, last weekend. It was a lovely, lovely affair. And I was filling in on Mamma Mia. And I was wearing one of those fun big costumes, you know, the ones they call them super suits. I don't know, the Abba costumes. You know what I mean? Sure. And I had a pair of gold made pants on and it made the front page of Reddit, which is so exciting. Yeah, that picture means in these pants. I mean, the front page of Reddit, I went viral. Then I just went ahead and took a cruise on down to the comments.

And pretty much two thirds of them were, Hey, I can see this guy's whole dick. Hey, hey, your pants are too tight. We can see your entire penis, Justin or stranger, because I don't know you. They just, and they made fun of me because my pants were too tight in the crotch. And I think that's why I did good on Reddit. I don't actually understand Reddit that well. Where's the bad butt? Just looking for this. Just going to find it. Just finding it. I'd rather. Oh, wow. My mansy. Wow, bud. Hey, bud. Now I've got to look it up. Hold on. I'd rather you guys not look at my hoggy recording, but that's okay. Yes. It's an unconventional podcast. Should I just search like gold pants, Reddit? Cool hog. It's going to be searched.

Justin, there it is. Okay. I mean, the pants were tight. The pants were tight. The pants were tight. The pants were tight. I see your whole dick, dude. Yeah. It's like not a good. It's fun. It's all fine. It's a good look. Hey, it's good. All right. I got to get it. It's all fine. I got a Yahoo here sent by Adrienne Kells, thinks it's Adrienne. It's an anonymous Yahoo answers user who I'm going to call. Tim asks, why don't we just crush our trash? Why don't we just crush our trash? We got all this trash. I've seen it. It's bad. Wally, but real. Can you imagine? And it's taken up a lot of space, right? Yeah. Well, when I have food on my plate,

and I want, like if I have a big piece of bread and I can't fit it in my mouth, what do I do to it, Travis? You crush it up. I crush it in my hand. And I put it, I squeeze it as hard as I possibly can. I make a little bread gumball. And I just just pop that in there. So let's do that with trash, except we do not eat it. Do you mean Griffin? I'm sorry. I'm going to save you from having to get this on Twitter. Do you mean like Wally? No, because that was a fun, I think you're confused again, because I literally just said this, but that was a fun movie. This would be a real crushing of trash, a real trash crush. Yes, they do do the truck does this. Yes. We don't need to do this in our

home. The truck does. Well, that is true. I live in fear of that. That's the thing. But we can say that it's sort of a, oh boy, it's sort of a Schrodinger's cat, because nobody's been inside to confirm that the trash is getting crushed inside the truck. But if somebody did go inside to confirm it, they wouldn't be able to get out. That's a catch 22 and a Schrodinger's cat. Yeah. That's what happens with Schrodinger's cat is until you look in the box, you don't know if the cat has been crushed or not. But when you do look, it's made it crush. Okay, it's not a Schrodinger's cat. It's just a catch 22. I take it back. I think a lot of things. It's just a crushed cat. Yeah. So don't put your cats into trash. This is obvious. Thank you. The trash truck, we don't

know if it's doing what it's supposed to be doing. It makes a lot of noise, but nobody actually gets in there. But here's the problem. If you crushed it, Griffin, and then you delivered it to the sanitation workers all crushed up already, they're like, what do I do? What are we gonna do? I love making the trash a small. Yeah, like, that's gotta be the best when you get like a gnarly crotch from like, I don't know, a big bag light bulbs or something. Yeah, I threw or like, they left some of those air pocket packing materials that Amazon does sometimes. I mean, oh, yeah. Left Joey chestnut in the can. He got made real little. Oh, I forgot to get him out. Oh, no. I mean, try to answer your question. You squirt and shit up, get it tiny, better for environment.

You ship it on off to your garbage town. What do they do? They crush it even tinier, man. Whoa. Can you imagine eating Joey chestnut? This is a wild gastrointestinal episode. This episode is just sort of journey through the GI tract. If you ate him, it would be an unreal. Okay. An unreal. All right, I'll explain this game. It's 9 p.m. tomorrow, July 4th. You eat Joey chestnut. I would net, there's no way. Okay, no. Wait, let me finish the question. There's no way I'm eating Joey chestnut when he's all fucking full. Let me finish the question. If you did it in nine minutes and 59 seconds, you automatically become the winner. Are you now the winner of the, yes, thank you, Travis. And this is not a bore thing. Shut the fuck up. If you ate

Joey chestnut at 9 p.m. tomorrow, have you now eaten 71 hot dogs? We've discussed. Yes. 71 hot dogs plus all the hot dogs he's ever eaten to become the person he is today. He is more hot dog than man. That's what I'm saying is like dry aged. He is foie gras aged. It's like corn fed except it's poutine and girl cheese sandwich fed. Okay. So can we crush our trash though and make it littler better for you? You know, I'm pretty sure that the big bang happened, right? And then everything's expanding out and then eventually everything will retract back in. So let's help it out by excursion our trash down. I don't think there's a reason not to. I'd rather risk it being true and not need it. You know what I mean? And it's better for me now to squish my trash down

because I don't have to take the freaking stuff out as much. So it's better and better and better. But then when I do take it out, it's going to weigh about 700 pounds because I've crushed it down so tight. I do this with milk cartons. Oh, Lottie dog, Justin. I do this with milk cartons. And then after I squish all the air out of them, I put the cap back on so they can't reinflate. Yeah, these fucking tricky milk cartons always fucking and the trash us millennials will try and the trash people love to make balloons out of these things. Justin won't let them with his eye. I do what I do. I use my milk cartons to make bird feeders. And then when the birds are inside it, I crush them. Okay, not gonna stop talking about crushing

animals. We just got to talk about here. Let's talk about. Hey, don't crush animals. Let's make a rule. No more talking about eating Joey Chestnut or crushing animals in this episode. If we can just go for the rest of them. I try. I take my soda cans and I cut them into shuriken. Okay. Okay. So shurikens. Yeah, when I'm done with the shurikens, they will also get crushed. I was at work at a donut shop when a customer that was a seamless transition. I thought you worked at a donut shop and I never knew it. No, I was at work at a donut shop when that's a wild way of putting that, by the way. That's like you work and you just happen to show up at a donut shop and say, I'm going to do the work here today. I was at work at a donut shop.

When a customer asked me, what is the best donut for a 14 year old? After spending the menu a long time, I said the first flavor that came to mind, blueberry. But I'm afraid I made a lead her astray and not giving her the correct recommendation. Help me, brothers. What is the best donut for a 14 year old? As from donut to lima in Dallas. Blueberry's not bad. Yeah, I appreciate that you think we know what the best anything for a 14 year old is because I think you can look at our body of work and know that that is not true. I don't think we know, as evidenced by the fact that we keep making these fucking fortnight jokes, and there's nobody playing this thing anymore. Everybody's back on Minecraft again and ding dong

ditch. It's Minecraft and ding dong ditch now. Sorry, I stepped away from the computer for 35 seconds. How about a fortnight donut? Maybe a joey chestnut flavor. Damn it. Damn it. Christian, good dog. This show sucks. Maybe that's an ironic donut. Yeah, maybe blueberry's really good. I just 14. Starting high school. Body. I'm trying to put us in the right headspace to talk about the donut. Everybody get everybody. It's Griffin. Get 14. Body's changing. High school. Things are changing on the body. And driving a car soon. Scared of that. But not yet. Not yet. And friends going away. Friends coming back. And what am I going to where they come back from? What am I going to be? And the changes are so... There's just changes on changes of the body on top of

changes. And real quick, what's the best donut? Donut holes. Joe, I didn't get you in the right headspace, did I? No, I don't. I mean, I liked them all. I liked them all. A Pokemon donut. Okay. Collect them all. You know what? I got it. I fucking got it. Donut stick. Some kind of one-handed stick-based donut. This is the donut that teens are going to crave. It is easy to hold with one hand. I'm like your ringed donuts that make me exhausted to eat with both hands. This is one sleek, pocketable donut. A donut you can start working on and then maybe you want to talk to your friends over FaceTime, like the youngs do. Then you slide the donut right into your pocket and you don't even sweat it. It has a cap. Yes. It has a cap on it

and you can save it for later. Don't worry about it. We can all agree. No jelly filled. That's just going to get on your Jinko. No, of course not jelly filled. The Jinkos are going to facilitate pocketing this big donut. Sure. It's got millennial flavors like paprika and coriander. And there is bacon on it for certain. Chocoblock with CBD. Gotta get it in there. Oh yeah. Gotta get it in there. Oh boy. And maybe they're collectible. It looks and printed on it is the face of Billie Eilish or Eilish. I've never heard someone say it out loud. Nailed it. Yeah. One of those two is on there. That's cool. That's cool. And maybe inside of every 10,000th donut is a ticket and you can exchange that to FaceTime with Billie for one minute

because everybody wants to get a touch of this new kind of fame that's been going around. A touch of the Eilish. And that's all. That's good. So that's a good donut. Is it going to taste good? Who the fuck cares? No, it's ironic. Teens are not tasting things these days. It's about being seen. They've burned their tongue on all their lattes. No, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what's going to help get this get this over is if we have a promotion with every teacher in every school ever and like school superintendent, president, all the faculty that these donuts are not allowed in the school. Yes. Bant them like pogs. Bant them like pogs and more recently little vapes. But let's do pogs.

And then these are going to be so fucking hot. You're going to be in the bathroom taking a whiz and you're going to hear pop. And you know that's the donut cap coming off. And you know somebody's breaking the rules in there. Oh, that's fucking cool. That's so fucking cool. Man, there's a cool donut. I wish I could eat it. Also, it's a tech deck. It's got wheels on it, this donut. Whoa. It's tech decks. Are you kidding me? It's gigantic. They're so over. No, tech decks are over. Tech decks are back. Minecraft's back. Fortnite's out. Vaping is out. Roller skates are in and being not. I'm going to try to buy a tech deck right now. Okay.

How Griffin is soap carving in or out? Soap carvings way in. Candle making is out. Damn it. I like both of those things equally. Yeah, they're on Amazon. You're right. Are they back? They're back, motherfucker. Grind one out with your fingers and eat my cool donut. Are you buying a tech deck right now? No, I Googled it. It said our tech decks worth money. I mean, they're worth something. There's some amount of money. There is a story from as recently as March 14, 2019, titled our tech decks cool again. So I guess they are coming back. Fuck yeah. There's a chance. Yeah. Instagram fingerboarder spookyfb said fingerboards are not toys. They are professional things.

They're professional things made of wood, big trucks, and professional wheels. Big trucks? Fingerboards are not toys. They're professional things made of wood, big trucks, and professional wheels. Are we talking about different things? This is like the fucking fushigi contact juggling thing again, I bet, where we talked about fushigi and a bunch of dope contact jugglers were like fushigi is bullshit. They tried to steal our whole thing and brand it. Yeah. And maybe that's how tech deck did. You know what I'm saying? Oh shit. Maybe it's that same situation. I also am really excited because this video I just opened

starts with a person sitting there with two tiny skateboards in front of them and what appears to be a miniature rail that one might grind upon. Hey, folks at home. This is Griffin. This is the edit. I just want to hop in here and say that I cut out 45 minutes of us talking about tech decks and tech tech tech technology. So I'm just going to hop forward and drop you back in at the point where Justin has just spent $150 on tech deck blindbacks. So here comes that. I just don't know what I do. I mean, I have a family to support. I can't be doing this. Just to prove a point. That was your grocery money for the week, Justin. To prove a point. I'm going to buy $150. I'm going to have a lot of fun. Sure.

But you can't be your family with tech decks. You can. Wait. There is one thing I could try. What's that? We could go to the money zone. Hey, I did a funny thing on Wonderful with Zipper Cruder this week. Can I try and do it for you guys? Sure. Zip it. Sure. You remember? Oh, Rachel hated it, but I was like, Zip it. Did you say that to your wife a lot? Would you say that? I would say that to her. You said that to your wife, who you love? Yeah, I love her. And she didn't like it. The mother of your child, your life partner? Hated it. Hated it. Hated the thing. And you know who else I don't know if they liked it or not? Zipper Cruder. I don't know if they like

that heat of me yelling, zip it and have a suckle of my zipple to the love of my life. I don't know if they like that, but you know what they do like? Fucking helping you hire good people for your jobs. That's cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool. If you have a job opening and it's hard to hire people because you have to go through a billion resumes and check out all of these different job boards all across the globe and you have to fly to the boards and sucks. Don't do that anymore. Zipper Cruder will send your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards and then they use this powerful matching technology created by the HiveMind AI that actually controls all the world governments. And it scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right

experience and then it invites them to apply for your job. It is so effective that four out of five employers who post on Zipper Cruder get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. Right now, our listeners can try Zipper Cruder for free at this exclusive web address ziprecruder.com slash mybrother. That's ziprecruder.com slash mybrother, ziprecruder, the smartest way to hire. I've just had an idea for a superhero that is Leonardo DiCaprio as himself, but now he has electricity powers and I call him Leonardo DiZaprio and I would like to promote this new superhero and I'm going to need a web presence to do that. So I've decided to set up LeonardoDiZaprio.com using Squarespace. Hi friends, my name is Justin McRoy and I'm a

podcaster on the popular podcast Sawbones. I'm here to talk with you about an important problem facing the internet today and that's Squarespace. Squarespace started with the noblest of intentions but now enables any idea no matter how dumb to have its own website. Squarespace randomly and without any sort of background check will allow anyone to showcase their work, announce an upcoming event or special project, even a very stupid one or promote their physical or online business despite the fact that it may be really, really stupid. Leonardo DiZaprio is free. They'll let you sell things from their website. They'll help anyone 24 seven. They've got award-winning customer support that again does not check for the sort of stability of your idea, the

advisability, anything. They'll just let anyone make their own website and I hope that you'll take the chance to speak out about this to anyone who will listen. If you could, please go to Squarespace.com slash my brother. You can do a free trial and then put up a website that's not dumb, a good one to help counterbalance some of these real turds that my brother's posting up, these these utter bricks. Use the offer code mybrother when you're ready to launch and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Squarespace, they must be stopped. I purchased it. Hey folks, this is Griffin, just another edit point here. Justin and Travis had a really nasty argument about Leonardo DiZaprio here and I didn't want you to hear it because it lasts a long time

and horrible words were exchanged. So I'm just going to cut you in and drop you back in at the point where Justin now loves Leonardo DiZaprio. It thinks it's the funniest shit in the world. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Listen to this. He loves fast food. He's the craviator. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Hey, I'm Janet Varney and like many of you, some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager. In fact, just about all of my friends were too, including wonderful women like Allison Brie. I'm dead center on the balance beam. And this is like a big gym. All the kids parents are there watching. I have to stop like, you know, when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move.

And then I just go I just right in the middle of the right balance. So join me every week on the JV Club podcast where I speak with complicated, funny, messy humans as we reminisce about our adolescences and how they led us to becoming who we are. Find it every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Here's another question. Some drunk lads just peed through the mail slot of my front door and into my living room. I live alone. So opening the door and confronting them was not worth the life risk. Very smart. What door modifications should I make to ensure this doesn't happen again? And that's from Camp P. tamed in Ireland. Now that I'm reading this, you know who would be perfect for this is Jesse Eisenberg. Let me see if I can get him on the line. You always just have the

just the right, the perfect person just at the front of the line. He's got a real Romano ring to that. It's so strange. Is that him? Hey, Jesse. Yeah. Hey, everybody loves me. Yeah. Hey, everybody loves Jesse coming to crackle this fall. Jesse from the Art of Self-Defense. It's such a pleasure to have you here on our show. I introduce everybody that way from their next feature film project. It's really polite. This is also we introduce my family at Thanksgiving. We just go around the room and talk about our next feature film. This is Justin's demo reel for for the next late night host spot. And so far, I think it's going fucking great. So Jesse, this listener of ours,

someone peed in their mail slot into their living room and they didn't want to open the door so they didn't get beat up. But they want it. Do you have any ideas for how to keep people from peeing in your mail slot? I bet this happens all the time in Hollywears. This has got to be... Yeah. It's a major deal over there. Yes. Well, a few things. The first thing is get an external mail box. Have it out by the street. Don't have this kind of immediate access to your house. The other thing I wanted to say is, well, first of all, you don't really need mail anymore. You can do everything paperless. That should go without saying. And the third, though, this exact thing happened to me, but it was not peed. A guy used to kind of defecate outside my house in New York

City almost nightly. And I didn't know what to do. I knew who it was because I would see him. I didn't know how to confront him. So I was so nervous. And then my friend came over and we were looking out the window and I saw that was the guy. So my friend said, oh, hold on. I'll go out there and talked to him. I was shocked. So I watched from the safety of my window as my friend walked up, shook this guy's hand and started talking to him. He was like a homeless guy in the area. And he needed some new shoes. So my friend came back in my house and said, hey, you still have that pair of shoes because I had a pair of shoes that were given to me because actors sometimes get clothing. I said, I do. So he brought him the shoes. They talked for like 15 minutes.

And the guy never did again. And also my friend was able to help him out and met up with him again. It turned out to be this, you know, from this kind of scary situation to this really beautiful reconciliation with somebody who I would not have otherwise spoken to. Jesse, do you find, because this is something I find in my day-to-day life, I find that people who can directly communicate with other people about issues in their lives in these sorts of situations seem to have a sort of superpower that is unfathomable to me. The idea that you would just go out and ask the person, it would be great if you would not do that. It would be excellent for me. So this is my best friend, Lee. He's taught in the juvenile

justice system for kids who are incarcerated for the last like 22 years, just celebrated his 22nd year of teaching. And he has this magical way of speaking with people. Now, this is a guy who's like my level of like social confidence, which is to say like not soaring. And yet when it comes to like talking to people who are in need of some extra help in society, he is unbelievable. Like he couldn't even teach in a regular school because he kind of felt like intimidated by the kids. But working with incarcerated kids who are in need of some extra attention, he thrives. That's amazing. Now, see, this is good because my answer is going to be put some fake teeth on your mailbox to make it look like a monster. Some people won't put their genitals near it,

but yours is nice. Yours is nice. Yeah, my answer is better. Yeah. So just to summarize, the two answers, the advice here is exterior mailbox because nobody can pee in that. And then I think just not I think the mail slot in the door is just that that era is over. Doors are there for a reason we can't put fucking holes in them. That's my that's the fortress gate. And then the third thing is when some drunk lads come and pee right into your house, you the first thing is pay it forward right then and there. That's right. You have to have an extra pair of shoes on hand. That's important. Jesse, I'd like to talk about that your new movie, Art of Soul Defense, we've all watched it, which I know people in these sorts

of situations are always just to say, but we really did. We actually did. We really did because we talked about it afterwards. And we just we just adored it. It kind of reminded me of the first thing I ever saw you in, which was Roger Dodger, which was in and of itself sort of this exploration of like masculinity. It's about an uncle teaching his nephew how to quote, be a man unquote. And I would say it subverts it towards the end somewhat. But I think in in the art of self defense, the underlying sadness. Yeah, I get into the sadness of it. I feel like this is a much harder subversion of the idea of masculinity. Yes. Wow. And thank you for putting my uvra into context. I actually never thought about it that way, but you're exactly right.

It does. Yeah, that other movie, Roger Dodger is kind of like a naturalistic kind of funny drama about that. Whereas this movie is like this very subversive, harsh, blunt kind of take on like a kind of commentary on masculinity. I mean, the movie is hysterically funny, but also displays like men talking about masculinity in such absurd ways. I feel like it almost has to be as a sort of outlandish and nearly surreal as it is. Just so the people that took Fight Club seriously don't watch it and be like, yeah, this is good. I'm loving this. This is exactly how I should act. This is the way I want to go. Right. I'd be really surprised if somebody took it as a kind of sincere how to guide on masculinity. Just 2019, bud. Yeah, so much. Take it for sure.

All that smart stuff is real cool. I get it. It's good. It makes the movie good, but also, dude, there's some badass fights in here. You kicked some, dude. Jesse, bud, you kicked some major tush in this one, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for censoring yourself right at the end there. It's a martial arts movie, so there's amazing. We also have some of the best martial artists in the world acting in the movie who also happen to be actors. There's some amazing stuff, but we were kind of just like shocked every day that these people can do this. I was watching like a like watching like Cirque du Soleil in front of you every day. Yeah, the ass dance. Unbelievable. Jesse, as you certainly know, I have a I am a blue belt in Taekwondo,

and I have to say it is it is unnerving the extent to which a lot of your experience, especially in the early parts of the film, not so much later as the story unfolds, but like certainly early on, it did reflect some of my experience walking into a martial arts class. How method did you go for this? Did you go take some classes and try to experience that for yourself at all? Yeah, I have like very strict classes for the movie because karate in general is just much more strict than I'm used to. I was like broken down after 20 minutes. I mean, it was incredibly rigorous. And then I'm only a yellow belt in the movie, which I kept trying to tell her, you don't understand, I'm not supposed to be that good. And but she was so intense on,

you know, making us as good as possible that it was exhausting. The only thing in my experience was that I did have to fight the kids in I spar. I had to spar against the there was not an adult white belt class. The adult white belts fought the child white belts. I would spar against children. Wait, really? It's the worst. It's the worst possible scenario because the kids just kick you in the nuts. It's the only move they know it works 100 percent of the time. And there's not a reality of what you would you could be like, you know what, I'm going to punch this kid in the face. I want to give him one good slug. You can't it's simply not doable. It's a terrible fight to be in. This is such a surreal experience to talk to you guys. It feels like one person is interrupting

himself. It's such a surreal experience. You've discovered the joke, the entire the entire conceit of our podcast. Jesse, this film, The Art of Self-Defense will be in limited release July 12th and then wider release on July 19th. Do you think people should see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is like my favorite project I've gotten to do. So like, I'm so happy I got to do it. And I the reaction to it has been like kind of like beyond what we could have imagined. It was like a kind of modest movie that is now by virtue of the movie being really good, but also by virtue of like kind of people talking about masculinity in the same way the movie talks about it. It feels like it has some relevant thing to say. It is a roller coaster of a film.

Travis was texting me like, holy shit. I said, did you finish it? He said, no, I got about 30 minutes until the end. I was like, you have absolutely no frame of reference for how wild things are getting. So, Jesse Eisenberg, thank you so much for coming onto our podcast. We really appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. How about a Yahoo? Yeah. Okay, this one is from several people sent this in. Thanks. It's an anonymous Yahoo answers user. I'm going to call who asks, how do I tell my hermit crabs apart? I got two hermit crabs around the same size with similar shells, but I can't name them because I can't tell them apart. Paint them. Paint them cool colors. The shell part of the skin part. I mean, the shell part, right? That's gotta be...

But they can change shells, can't they? That's a good point. They could swap on you. You thought you were going on a date with me, but actually you're going on a date with Paul, the crab. We switched. Sorry, rinse. That's the name. The name of the character is rinse, R-E-N-C-E, rinse. Okay, cool. He sounded like a hermit crab owner. He would want to date his hermit crab. Yeah. I mean, can you get a witch or wizard to turn you into a hermit crab and get to know these things a little bit better? You know what I mean? Thank you. Get in. You can hear their laugh and know them apart inside. Yeah, get to know their mannerisms. Like, oh, he's being a little standoffish. That must be rinse two, rinse junior, my son. That must be rinse junior.

He's the one who prefers romantic comedies, where Paul likes comedies that have an element of romance to them. Yeah, that's how I tell him apart. Hermit crab's a strange pet, yes? It is. Yeah, it is. Good if you have too many bugs lying around. Do they love these things? But they love bugs. That's what they eat, they're bugs. Or maybe leaves. Hermit crab's on leaves, huh? Alexa, what do hermit crabs eat? They eat high quality commercial hermit crab food. That's not at all helpful. Okay, there's vegetables and non-citrus fruits, mango, spinach, carrot, coconuts, papaya as treats. Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, this is turning into sort of a hermit crab caretaking podcast a little bit. Not so much one. I mean, how about

like 100%, not a caretaking podcast, how about 100% complete guide to hermit crab ownership? I'm done now. There's seashells that come to life and eat the coconut that you leave them. End of story. They are magical wish pets. Yeah, I think you probably have to get rid of one of them. If you can't tell them, well, because you can't have two identical hermit crabs. And to be fair, it's a lot of responsibility. Two hermit crabs? A hermit crab, first of all, is totally fine if you just set it outside and say, go with God. They will find their way. They can eat apparently all vegetables, all non-citrus fruits, and all bugs. So they're going to find their way downtown. Don't worry about it. If something big predator comes in, what? Oops,

my hard shell can't get in there. What are they going downtown for, Griffin? Find a love in the big city. But anyway, you can't have two identical hermit crabs. That's like having two dishwashers. It doesn't make any sense at all. Do you guys want to know the red flags of owning a hermit crab, the things that really should make you sit up and call your veterinarian and say, hey, I got a real hermit crab emergency? I don't think I'll ever need to know this information. But now that I've said that, I will need it at some point and feel like a real dickhead. The first one is lethargy. You know, this hermit crab used to have a lot of get up and go. Yeah, nice dragon ass. He must be dying.

Second one is abandoned shell and doesn't return. Which, yeah, I would think that would be a huge red flag. Since they don't even have an ass, as far as I know, and they're just going to crawl around saying shell. They have no ass. Here's the last one that they have listed here at the Petco website. Loss of limbs. No shit. Yeah, these are not good tips. Really? Loss of limbs is a problem. What are the signs that they're about to become lethargic and run away and lose their limbs? Because I need to know the step before that step, ideally. There is no warning before that. They will just seem chill and happy and then they'll abandon their shells. It's life, huh? I guess in a way, Griffin. I guess it is. Hey, I want to do another

Is that okay? Sure. Evan sent it in. It's Yahoo Answers user JoeyZ51 who asks, A hair salon used my cut hair for a wig. If they sold it without telling me, is that legal? Huh. Ooh, okay. Would you know? You're walking around downtown looking for love in the big city and you turn the corner and who greets you? It's, how can you be me? I'm me. But no, it's just your hair on someone else's head because you got your shit got wigged. I would definitely know and I would definitely love it. I would love it too and I would definitely know if it was Travis's. And I think I could honestly tell if it's Justin's. My hair is the most nondescript bullshit. Like, my hair is just like, it's just in the dictionary. It says hair.

It's not fun. This is hair. This is the default choice on the character creator. When you turn it on. I don't know. There's some hair. You know how on all the Bethesda games, like the hair just looks like hair and there's not much character or excitement to it, but you can make your dude have hair? That's kind of what I'm dealing with. And I don't think that it's going to be recognizable in any way. Yeah, who knows how the hair and video games in the character creator always seems to be floating like a half an inch off their head. That's kind of like Griffin. If Griffin turns his head too fast, his hair doesn't keep up. That's true. But if you saw your hair, Justin, on the street, on someone else's head, what's you do?

This person knows. Like, they're for sure that they saw their hair on a wig. The question is, who has the legal ownership of that hair? My argument would be if at the end of your hair cutting, you don't get down your hands and knees and scoop it all into a Kerger bag. Right. And that is then the legal, the legal, you know, property of the barber. Yeah. Once it's off your body, man, that's trash. And another man's trash is another man's treasure is another man's wig. That's what they say. Used to be one of my favorite prank calls when I was in college to call barber shops to ask if I could come by and collect all the hair for an entire day to keep deer out of my vegetable garden

because I had read that that worked. And it was a very pleasant, there's no punchline to it. It was just a pleasant conversation where I would try to see if they would let me come in and scoop up all the hair. Cool, man. And what did they say, Justin? You've got me on the hook, reel me in. They wouldn't let you from what I, they, a lot of them wouldn't let you. One guy did suggest that I add a little lime in there. I remember him saying that. I mean, maybe if you add a little lime, that would probably work pretty good to keep the deer out. Do you think that he meant like the fruit? Yeah, probably. I don't know. Mix some fruit. I don't have any. I don't have it. I didn't have a real deer problem.

Yeah, actually. I wasn't even a homeowner. A funny sketch like mad TV. That's how mad TV found me, actually. I actually called the mad TV barber and he said, I've got to get you in with Alfred E. Newman and the whole gang. Hair donation is a thing. It's cool, right? And that's, that's, that's a nice thing to do. I'm, I just can't wrap my mind around. It's that, is the hair, at what point does the hair stop being mine? Because it's, is it, is all the hair on my head fucking forfeit from the moment I walk into the barber shop? I think you have a window before they scoop it up. That's what I'm saying. You have a window. If their broom touches it, it's theirs. Oh, if you can, no, how about this? If

it touches the floor, it's theirs. So now it's like you're in one of those money whirlwind machines at the mall. And it's like, they're buzzing it, buzzing it fast and you're like reaching out with your fucking great dexterity, snatching all the hair up and putting it right in your big pocket or your fanny pack that you've got. Then they see what you're doing, start trimming it even faster because they, you know, they want to get some of that fucking hair. That's where the money is. Hello, my name is Travis McRoy and I'm here to pitch an invention to you this evening. It's like an umbrella, but it's upside down and it fits around your head. And then when it cuts the hair, it catches in the umbrella and then you just walk right out with it. So I need eight billion

dollars. Yeah, yeah. To turn some umbrellas upside down and punch holes in them without losing the sort of umbrella-ness of the machinery inside. That's what I love the most about that, Travis, is that you're going to have your own deadass hair all over your mouth, chin and nose for a bit there. Yes, but it'll be worth it to know where my hair is at all times. Hi, I'm Travis McRoy and I've invented the 360 degree full wrap around beard. This, you're going to wear this motherfucker like a necklace, but it's a beard, only loose and awful and no food, no food. Forget about food. I feel like we set a record for introducing ourselves and each other.

Probably number one in terms of internet. I'm so sorry. Folks, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for listening to the program. I want to say a huge thank you to Jesse Eisenberg. Holy shit. That's wild. Yeah, it's fun. Go see the art of self-defense and you can see that, I guess, in theaters. I don't actually know. I should check on that. That's going to be in theaters, the select theaters July 12th, average July 19th, the art of self-defense. Go check it totally out.

Thank you to gosh, John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Cool track, cool track, man. And thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. They have a bunch of great shows like Beef and Dairy Network and Reading Glasses and Switchblade Sisters. Check them out, MaximumFun.org. And we have a bunch of other stuff at McRoy.Family, including a new Monster Factory episode that is just fun. I think is really funny. We played a game called Bless and holy shit, it turned out wild. And we have a bunch of new merch too, including new Monster Factory merch for the first time. So, very true.

All right, folks, that's going to do it for us. Griffin, do you have a final yahoo to kind of take us out on? Yes, let's load that up right now. This is sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. It's yahoo answers user Lamberto who asks, did you cry when your plumber died? I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother, my brother, and they kissed your dad's square on the lips. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Listen, we already know that you love genre movies, film craft, and female filmmakers.

So, if you love all those things, then by transitive property, you love my podcast, Switchblade Sisters. Hi, I'm film critic April Wolk. Every week, I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their favorite genre film. Each episode covers the filmmaking process, working in the film industry, and just like general geeking out about awesome movies. I've had such great guests like the big sick writer Emily Gordon. To me, indie movies, as of late, have come to be a catch-all term for a movie that kind of defies genre. Billy Madison and half-baked director Tamra Davis. When a comedian comes and enters onto my set, they're just there to be funny,

and we're all ready and waiting for them to be funny. Horror industry veteran and actor Barbara Crampton. That's where real drama lies for me. What's between you and I speaking right now? Where are we meeting, and what's the energy that we create between us? And so many others. So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.