My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 468: Down the Soda Hole

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

According to our editing software, this one is about 55 minutes long. Which is strange, because while we were recording in the Standing Energy Time Dilation Plane, it seemed a whole lot longer than that. Suggested talking points: Standing Energy, Joe vs. Unassigned Carbon, Jelly Bean Pouch, Secret Donuts, Unfireable (w/ Guestpert Laura Kate Dale!), A Hospital for Humans and Birds

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother made an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin. Griffin, you sound so powerful. I have standing energy. Yes.

My desk has transformed into its most healthful manifestation, and now I have standing energy. I too am standing. We all are standing for this one. I've got full blown Peter Pan arms. I'm doing JoJo poses with my patio door curtain open so the street can see me, and also I've never watched JoJo's bizarre adventure. My lungs are filling with oxygen. My diaphragm feels in line. Is that something? Fuck yeah, it's something, Travis. It's standing energy.

Whoa. I feel like my entire life I've just been whispering. Yes. Do you hear this voice? This is my true voice. I've been speaking with a hidden voice until this moment. This is my true voice. It's just an standing voice. It's my true voice. It's so musically delicious.

Soon you boys will get your true voices. I'm looking forward to my, oh. Your true voice. My true voices come in. Yes, maybe someday I'll get, maybe I'll get lucky and find my true voice. Oh no. Finally, distinguishable voices. Your true calling was to set us apart.

My bones feel so much straighter. It's turning into an Adam Sandler thing. This is Griffin's new character, Prospector, going through a washing machine. Who maybe is possessed by Adam Sandler. Sorry, I had to sit down. That was, uh. You wore yourself out, huh? Okay, well, Griffin is the first to fall.

I hate this. Yeah, actually, uh, eagle-eared listeners will know that I'm still fucking standing up. Whoa. I can't hide this power. I can't hide this just raw. I can't. I can't turn away. I just want to sit down more than anything right now.

When I used to be a professional actor, my go-to acting choice, quote unquote, was to have my character want to sit down all the time. Loving that, loving that, but I used to love that. Now I hate it. I'm a stander. Excuse me, breaking news. This monitor tilts up. I'm going to try sitting down and see if I can tell a difference between you guys and

myself. All right, you do that. I'm going to keep my legs stiff and straight like two big, massive boners. Oh, I'm sitting down. This is nice. Oh, no. Oh, no. You have nothing in the tank.

I'm going to start the program now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. You're all getting- You're so confident. My brother, my brother, me and his true form. We're finally giving you at two-thirds power. Okay, should I stand back up? Stand back up, Travis. Don't be afraid of your destiny.

Stand back up. There he is. Here we go. Time for the program, the real program to begin. My standing energy has also influenced my mind to tell me that we've gotten everything we're going to get out of this bit. We- Well, I feel like we should call this one episode one.

This is the true beginning of my brother, my brother and me, the standing podcast. Speaking of which, I hope this is someone's first episode that you've ever listened to. The standing show you tried to get me to listen to? I don't get it. They just talked for 15 minutes about whether they were standing or sitting down, and this is good. Is that every episode you talk about sitting that much too? They've done this for like 467 episodes?

You know what's wild is it feels like we've been talking about standing for 15 minutes. It's been less than four. I think there's a sort of time dilation from standing because you're further away from the planet or something. That does track. It's impossible. This show is going to feel like it goes forever, but I'm not giving up. I want true facts.

I want to know when you boys sit down, and if you can hang for an entire episode with full standing power. What if we did a laying down show? We'll do that next time. That's the Casper one. We did that already. That Casper one, right, right, right, right. Okay.

This past Christmas, I bought my parents a DVD of Joe versus the Volcano. Nice. Keeps on giving that one. Oh yeah, that's a repeat watcher forever. It is. Me and my friends watching everything's giving. The, no, that's, that's Paul Bart. That's Paul Bart.

It's a brother, isn't it, friends? That too, yes. It was the movie they saw on their first date. All that sweet. Oh my God. There are people who listen to the show whose parents first date was to Joe versus the Volcano. That is impossible. That's impossible.

There's people on this podcast who went on a first date to Mortal Kombat Annihilation, so I'm not going to sit here and listen to your, your nitpicking. I just mean the time. I'm not even saying like the, the content of the film. Just because I, listen, I, I hand to God. I tell you that Joe versus the Volcano came out in the 90s. I don't think that's true, but it doesn't feel not true. I feel like Justin just sat down.

No, with all the fussing and fighting, the standing, my microphone was trying to fall off my desk, but it does not get a break. I don't get a break. The mic doesn't get a break. Let's go. I wound up buying them a few other things and didn't give them the DVD and decided to save it for their anniversary, even more special. I'm now realizing that I've never given them an anniversary gift as long as I've been alive.

So now I'm not sure if this is an awkward idea, especially since I don't know if this year is a big milestone for their marriage or not. And there's no way of finding out. Yeah. I'm considering just waiting until Christmas again to give it to them, especially since the DVD is already wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper from this past December. How do I give my parents this Tom Hanks DVD naturally and that's offensive about parents present in Pennsylvania?

Are you worried at all that when you give it to them? Your parents are like, wait a minute, this is the wrapping paper from last Christmas. Victoria and I have talked about it and we've settled on a natural Tom Hanks DVD gift. We don't want to give the Tom Hanks DVD in a hospital. How impersonal is that? This is a Tom Hanks DVD. It should be a celebration, an at-home celebration in a jacuzzi. Just goose it out onto this splash pad.

With just our closest friends and family around, perhaps a Tom Hanks doula. Perhaps Tom Hanks himself as the doula. We will accept Colin in his absence. Yes, of course. Which anniversary year? There's like, I think I just did paper. Which anniversary year is polycarbonate plastic? Is it 60?

Well, I think if I'm, let me look it up real quick. Keyboard sounds. Yeah, okay. It says right here, 32 years is the DVD year, but it does specify only the DVD of volunteers. What year, Travis, as long as you're on your computer. What year did Joe versus the volcano come out? Click, click, click, click. Well, no, I want to run a little bit of math here.

Google says the 90s probably. All right, Google. Boy, they sure are shitting the bed on that search engine. Yeah, oh, it's their fault for sure, for sure. It's hard to type when you're standing up, not at a standing desk. It's hot. The hard thing is that I'm not, I feel like as someone who insists on standing, I'm also someone who should be bad at Google.

This movie came out in 1990, okay? Boom, boom, boom, nothing, nothing. 1990 Joe versus the volcano came out. So these parents have been married for, I mean, it could be, they just passed 25. Assuming they walked out of the theater and immediately got married on the fucking street right there, God and everyone. Joe versus the volcano, it's a very romantic movie. Yes.

I'm doing the math now and realizing that you are giving them four years of dating. Is that how long you think people should be together, Justin, before they pop it? It's a wild choice, I know, but it's also the 30th anniversary is so far away if they did get married during the release window in the initial box office. Let's play the box office game for Joe versus the volcano, the week. No, it's kidding. So I would say comfortably, let's say somewhere between 28 and 23 years. Something like that.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, Justin. It doesn't matter. Our question answers parents' marriage. Does it matter? No, it's all important because this union is the reason you're on the fucking planet. Without Joe versus the volcano, you are carbon, okay? You're unassigned carbon without the hilarious work of Tom Hanks and and John

Patrick Chamley and Meg Ryan. The whole family now travels on Google. Now he's Googling things. You are without this film, you're you're fucking carbon. You should be handing it to everyone you meet. You should wear a t-shirt of the film every single day. Every Joe versus the volcano is a reason for celebration. You've waited this one too long.

Give them the DVD and then go get the blu-ray because without this you'd be fucking dust. You should give them the blu-ray every day for a year. Maybe they'll make a Joe versus the volcano too and your parents will get, I don't know, second married. That's what they need to rededicate their vows. Now, hold on, Travis. If you're suggesting the more Joe versus the volcano you give them, the more in love they will become.

I think there's a point where you can reach a dangerous amount of Joe versus the volcano. Absolutely. An eruption point, if you will. An eruption point and I'm worried that it's like three. So don't test this. It is not worth it. Just to pitch how I would if you're listening, Joe versus the volcano versus predator. That's extremely powerful.

Thank you. No matter what happens, we lose. Who wins, we lose, except Joe. If he wins, we're probably okay. We're probably fine if Joe wins. Well, I mean, maybe at that point, Cubers will overtake Joe. Yeah. If there's a human man who can kill the predator and a volcano, I'm not sure.

I want to be walking the same orb as them. Yeah, that's terrible. That's too much. No one man should have all that power. This is true. Can I read a Yahoo? Yes. Here's a Yahoo sent in by Graham Robach.

Thanks, Graham. It's Yahoo answers user Giuseppe who asks, If you had a kangaroo pouch, what would you mainly put in it? Tiny kangaroo. Next. You don't have that. You don't have that. I don't have a tiny kangaroo.

You're telling jokes. I want real shit, Travis. I'm a standard now. I won't stand for lies. Dang, guys, can we back up for a second? Do you need to talk about Joe as a volcano more? Yeah, just for a second. Can we just talk about John Patrick Shanley's Twitter account?

Because it's so fucking fresh. This guy is bringing it every single day, and I don't want to make mention of him and not recognize the fact that he's fucking bringing the heat every single tweet. Bringing the heat with every tweet. John Patrick Shanley, director of Joe vs the volcano. You ready for this? Sure. Every one of us is a hideout for so many strange characters.

Some never speak, some appear once a sudden flash in the eye and withdraw again like a sea monster returning to the depths. The face we show to the world is often merely a convenient pose hiding a multitude. Meanwhile, Justin McRoy's like, New Mario looks good. Nothing. John Patrick Shanley bringing it. Have you ever been blamed for the rain? You have, my friend.

Sooner or later, each of us is blamed for something beyond our control. But remember this. It's a beautiful thing to be blamed for the rain. And who knows? Maybe somehow it's true. Hey, John, it's wicked not, though. Hey, John, you're bringing the fucking heat, John. The heat is hot, John.

But I'm not going to let you just sort of barf out some pseudo science garbage. I did not make it rain. The only time I make it rain is when I do it funny with a bunch of money. That is true. Dang. John's tweeting out a bunch of great pictures all the time. He's got some fucking fresh shirts. Yes.

Get on to this Twitter account. Demons. I'm reading this site unseen because I just know it's going to be fresh. You ready? Demons. They tell you things and suggest that you keep them secret. Never do. A secret kept with a demon is a dark marriage and will end badly.

If a demon asks for your discretion, break faith as quickly as you can. To trust a demon is to distrust humanity. Thank you, John. Is JPS being literal? Are you still like really, really into this guidance, my bud? This is so fucking fresh. A secret kept with a demon is a marriage based off of Joe versus the volcano. Yes.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I think of radio. It finds music in the apparently empty air. Some people are like that too, picking up what is invisible. Do you listen for what is not quite said? Or do you pretend that the surface of life is its substance?

Speak to me of what you wordlessly discern. Super loud bong noise. Thank you. And then it says here, huge bong rip in all caps. Okay. I want to stop, but like get on to this account. Yeah, sure. So.

Get a follow going real quick. If you had a kangaroo pouch, what would you mainly put in it? Justin Travis told a joke. Can you fucking believe it on stand on standing day? Okay. The number one thing I would put in it is tokens and tickets at Billy Bob's Wonderland. Okay. Because you walk around, you have a huge amount of tokens because it only makes sense to buy them in bulk.

You don't nickel and dime yourself $5 or $10 here. No, you got my money. You spend $20 and then you get a lot more bonus tokens, right? You get that and you fill that in one pocket and then you start getting these wads of tickets. If you're like me and you're putting in the money and the time and the hard hours. And the skills. The skill. Thank you, Travis, because it's not gambling.

It's a talent. And you start getting these piles of tickets and where do you put them on? Also, by the way, your kid wants you to hold their Slurpee. What do I have? Three hands? No, you got a belly pouch. I got a pouch. I do have a belly.

Put that in Papa's pouch. Put those tickets in Papa's pouch. I, you know, those times when they used to, I don't think they do this anymore, but casinos used to give out like big plastic cups that you could put all your like quarters and stuff in. They should have those at Billy Bob's. And similar arcades for me to collect all my fat wads of tickets. Or, alternately, slice a big slice in my skin in my belly region. But I can peel away from not leave the, I want to leave the muscle there.

Yeah. Because there's tons of it. Am I right? But just peel the skin away and tuck the tokens into my belly. Hey, Travis, your kangaroo pouch is leaking. And also it stinks. So how long has it, have you done? Did you go see a professional about this?

No, I did this myself at home. Okay. Well, it's, it is wet. It's always wet and it is. I've ruined these tickets. Yeah. They're irredeemable. There's other ruined things that are more like tendons and stuff.

And it did. Yeah, this sepsis. Yeah. Griffin, they're sepsis. This smells miserable too, man. This is, I'm trying to eat a piece of pie. I'm not proud of, listen, I'm not proud of what I've done, but it's too late to go back. Evolution is hard, Griffin.

And a man becoming kangaroo, listen, they said it couldn't be done. And in fact, it shouldn't be done. God, God makes kangaroo. Kangaroo makes man. A man turns self into kangaroo. Kangaroo kills kangaroo. Uh-huh. God kills kangaroo.

Yes. Kangaroo and here at the earth. Yep. There it is. There it is. That's exactly what happens. I think I'd do jelly beans. How many, how many?

Hey, Griffin, don't make up a bunch of garbage. How many jelly beans would you have in there? How many jelly beans? How many jelly beans can fit in your pouch? This is the new hit single from Lizzo. You know what, guys? Technically, I have a pouch for jelly beans already. It just does one of the dang things.

Are you talking about your urethra? No, my belly button. You mean your belly button, but I want to give back to Justin today. Yeah, but I like to eat a bunch of jelly beans up there, but hold in my pee a long time and shoot them all out. Well, listen, I got to do something with the butter popcorn ones, because I'm not fucking eating them. Honey, I got to get home.

I'm about to blast this dang jelly bean clean through the windshield with my ropey flow of urine. I'm going to fucking knock that can of coke off that fence for ol' Ronald Reagan. Got it. I want to go buy your ex-boyfriend's house and show them I got a toasted marshmallow in there because I'm fucking loco. All right. That's just weird.

I don't care to waste the best jelly belly that there is with plugging up my urethra. I don't care. That's how I do it. That's how I do it. Oh, I want to sit down so bad. I know, I know. The show's going so good, though, starting.

It's hard to tell. It's not hard to tell. I feel the power of this show. Okay, don't be like that. Okay, it's only been like 20 minutes. I know that is one thing that I will say. There is definitely some time dilation occurring. I'm saying yes.

Yeah, I know it's like that for the listener. 40. 40. No, they're loving it because the power of our standing energy is being siphoned into the show and enhancing their sitting. Right. Listen, if you in solidarity have tried to stand for the entirety of this program so far, please don't be a hero.

It sucks, yeah. 21, 22 minutes. It's all too much for 15. However much Griffin has cut out. It's all too much for any one person to be standing. I think I'm going to have to do some freestyle yoga over here. That's what will fuck you up though. Think about this though.

There will be moments in that time that we have been standing that Griffin will cut out that will have done nothing for us. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? We just stood for nothing. Yeah, I'm going to have to do some real soul searching about the pudding jelly beans and your ding along. If you cut that, cut that, then what will our next book be titled?

I have another question here. Starting last year, I work a seasonal job in the fall. Wow, this is a lot of time. Let me sort this whole right now. We can't fucking do this math. Hi, it's me, Chris Nolan, and my dad in the future went back. Starting last year, I work a seasonal job in the fall. I work in the kitchen area where we serve plain,

sugared and glazed donuts. One day while working, a fellow employee interrupted me while I was telling a customer that we did not serve powdered donuts, saying that it was like a secret menu item. She went in the back and came back with two powdered donuts. I had never seen an employee do that before. I never saw anyone do it again. Brothers, what do I do if a customer asks me for a powdered donut?

Do I go into the back and attempt to make a powdered donut? And that's for do not donut. Hey, y'all. This is Griffin, former TCBY employee. If you go to a register and ask for something at a specialty food store like this, and you say, I want a powdered donut, daddy. And they say, I'll get you a powdered donut. And then they walk into the back room and produce something that's not on the menu.

Do not eat that donut. Because I'm not saying that they have befouled it, but I'm just saying they did not befoul it. The odds of befoulment are rather high. Why would they have a secret menu item at their three donut restaurant? Unless they have many, many donut options, and you just kind of have to guess, and it's like a fun mystery every time you go inside.

Because it means they have the powdered sugar, and they have plain donuts, which means at some point the discussion was had of, do you want to increase our stock options by either 33.3% or 25% Travis isn't sure how that works out. No, I'd rather just leave it for a select few with refined palettes. Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts. It's the name of it.

We just put a question mark at the end of our franchise. Powdered donuts are. You've got to come to our donut shop and see if you can stump us with donuts. See if we can. The answer is probably no. Here's the thing, all powdered donuts are the fucking pits. Yeah, correct. If you're a parent, my daughter is obsessed with these things,

the baby one, obsessed with these things, these fucking little powdered donuts. It's hell. They just start touching it to everything. Their clothes are ruined, the couch is ruined, their mouths are ruined. It's a hell dessert. And it shouldn't be on sale to anybody.

And I'm sorry, I don't even think you should be eating that. What's that all over your hands? Are you grown up? You're not. Not with a powdered donut, you're not. Not only that, but I believe that powdered donuts are the closest I've ever come to being poisoned. Because when you take a bite of them, just like particulate, goes flying into your throat.

And no, it's like a trick thing for you. Nobody's like, I'll be happy to sign the big merger. Let me finish this super sloppy powdered donut. Simply not done. Oh boy, this fucking standing energy has given me success. Because I want to just be like, ask your coworker how they did that. Just ask. I don't know why you're asking us.

Go. If they have sugar and a food processor or a blender or something. Just chomp it right up. Yeah. It just chomps it right up, right? They do like a special thing, a treat. They don't do a special treat. But why?

It's not on the menu. What's the benefit of doing the extra work to make an off menu item for some rando customer? Because you're going the extra fucking mile. For those donut tips. Have you ever seen the movie Big Daddy? Yes. You do ask him. You do ask him every episode, Justin.

I go and have this conversation again, Justin. There's a scene where they go into McDonald's, right? And they've stopped selling breakfast. But his child really wants breakfast. Not his child. A child. As Griffin also points out every episode, he's not technically his Big Daddy through most of the film.

No, no, Justin. No technically about it. He's not related, has no legal play over this child. I think at the end he adopts him, right? No. It's been a while since I've seen the movie. He does not. He goes to John Stewart and lives with John Stewart.

I haven't seen it, but in the trailer for the movie Big Daddy, he wants to get in McDonald's. And the people at McDonald's say, no, it's too late. Getting after this child, I'm calling the police. They won't make it for him. And what I'm saying is if they had said, all right, no problem, just this once, a McMuffin for the boy. If they had done that, this would be out of Sandler's

number one McDonald's spot. So did they have this? He would all of you more work. You would have a customer for life, though. That's how you move up in the ladder. No, no, this is what they don't tell you. Because if you make that McMuffin once for Adam Sandler, you'll always have to make that McMuffin for Adam Sandler.

Are you talking about McMuffin creep? Because he comes in then. He came in at 10.03 the first time, and he rolls in at 10.17. But you made the McMuffin for the boy before. And then pretty soon the whole company in McDonald's has to change their policy to offer breakfast all day. Because Adam Sandler won't stop coming in at like 12.56 asking for a fucking Egg McMuffin.

Oh boy, I love you boys. I really love you boys. But are you both under the impression that every Adam Sandler movie is secretly filmed without him knowing it and takes place in the real world, unscripted. And so when he went to this McDonald's, if the scene, which is to say reality, had gone a different way, then this would be famous actor, comedian Adam Sandler's

new favorite McDonald's. Yes. I'm saying, I'm taking that as a microcosm for treating your customers right. No, but I am saying that this is a weird kind of punked hidden camera scenario where they just keep filming movies around Adam Sandler. Sweet Justin, the alternative is that there would be a scene

in Big Daddy where he's like, oh, it's 10.03. Can I please give him a muffin? No, please, it's for the kid. Yeah, okay. And they eat the breakfast and Adam Sandler walks out the door like, this is my new favorite McDonald's. Yeah, that's a very good point. But if Travis is right, then explain, don't mess with the

Zohan. You know what I mean? Listen, that was the dark guy. That wasn't Adam Sandler. That was Zohan. No, that was Adam Sandler. Okay, but like what if you didn't know he was in a movie? It was Halloween.

No, he was in a movie. Why was he Zohan for Halloween? Yeah. Oh, shit. There's multiple Adam Sandlers like in The Prestige. That's it. Have you ever seen Jet Lee's The One? Because I did a long time ago and it's like that.

The Prestige. That bit felt like it was 40 minutes long. It feels like I should be like, that's the end of the podcast. Thank you for enjoying it. But no, it is time for us to briefly head into the money's end. So let's head over there and see what's cooking. Oh, look at what's cooking. I'm going to go get a soda beer back.

Oh, this is so appropriate. It's what a good transition talking about what's cooking because our first sponsor is Stitch Fix. I gotta go get a soda. Stop talking. Well, Justin, they're trying to stop talking because we need to talk about Stitch Fix. If you're cooking up some clothes for dinner,

stirring up a big pot of clothes. Are you pan frying some jorts? So now you need more clothes because you've cooked. Sauteeing some socks, perhaps. That's a mistake. I'm not here to kink shame you, but I am going to tell you that if you've eaten, cooked and eaten all your clothes,

and Stitch Fix is going to help you get that closet, that wardrobe back on point in an easy, stylish, no hassles way. We all use Stitch Fix. When I see that box sitting on my doorstep after a long day at the mines and I come home and I see that box on my doorstep, I get so excited to see the clothes inside because I know that I have worked with a personal stylist,

told them what I liked, and then they have chosen some stuff for me and it's good stuff and I only pay for what I keep and the $20 styling fee fine in those clothes is automatically applied towards anything I keep from the box. It is a real good, real good service. If you want to get started, you're going to go to stitchfix.com slash my brother.

You're going to answer some questions about your preferred style and then your personal shopper will ship you a box of clothes, shoes, and accessories. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother. Get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box at stitchfix.com slash my brother. Griffin, can I ask you a question?

Sure. You ever bought anything online? That's part one of the question. There's a second part to the question. Yeah. Part one. Have you ever bought anything online? Yeah, man.

Baseball trophy. Okay. Can get one the usual way. Yes. When you bought that baseball trophy, did you perhaps find out later that somewhere else was selling it on a discount and you paid full price for it like a dummy?

I paid $4,500 for my baseball trophy. So like I now know with hindsight that I was snookered. Mm. You know, if you had used Honey, which is a free browser add-on that finds you the best deals online and applies the best deals to checkout, you could have saved money. You could have saved money, you dummy,

because they find discounts and coupons across 37,000 sites, including Amazon Best Buy and more. So if you're looking to buy baseball trophies or really any kind of trophies, bowling trophies, billiards trophies, maybe darts championships, world's best dad, dog show trophies, powerlifting trophies. That's all of them.

That's it. Then look, there's really no reason not to use Honey. It's free to use and easy to install on your computer in just two clicks. So shop with confidence. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash brother. That's joinhoney.com slash brother. Honey, the smart shopping assistant

that saves you time and money when you're shopping online. I feel like I'm sweating so much. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Graham. And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine. We love it here, and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week

on Stop Podcasting Yourself here on MaximumFun.org. We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada. And listen to our show or perish. Stop Podcasting Yourself on MaximumFun.org. Okay, here's one. I work for a large retailer in Cincinnati. And back in November, I was promoted to Assistant Store Manager. I went through training and started at a new store.

I've been working at the new store for the past five months. Today, I received an email that said they reviewed my application and decided to pursue other candidates. Did I just get passive slash aggressively get fired? And that's from, should I go to work tomorrow? You know who I am going to ask about this? Laura Dale.

Let me see if I have... Well, that's going to set a pretty wild precedent, right? I guess we can address it with Laura once she's on the call. Oh, I'm here. I'm on the call. What's happened? Yeah, sorry. I beeped in on another call so you didn't hear it ring.

Laura was waiting by the phone and then presciently knew that her campaign had paid off. Yeah, I just, you know, I had a real sense that now's the time. Advice is needed. Go. This is the moment. What's it like, Laura, to be the only person to get to cash in that chip, to start, to hoist us on our own patard, to get to be on our show?

To be the one person that did the goof of, hey, if the boys can just confidently say they're going to be on a thing and get on the thing, I can do that to get on their thing? Yeah. Here's the thing. It would have worked with literally anyone, Laura. I'm glad it was someone we like and treasure because it wouldn't work with anybody because it's only going to work once.

It's done. This is it. When I did, my Laura K. Buzz will be on my brother, my brother and me. I had a bunch of people tweet and go, wouldn't it be funny if I did that to get on your podcast? I was like, do it then. Oh, shit. That is how it works.

No one, no one does. You have to keep paying it backward. Has anybody done that Joe Rogan won yet? Don't you think? Get on there, plug our show, steal some of his audience. Now wear the Rogans. Laura, did you, did you see the, did you hear the question that I read before you answered?

The question just came into my, into my mind like some wonderful premonition and I have advice for you. I'm glad that you realized I was the person for this. So this person thinks that like that, you know, they've been passive-aggressively fired. I disagree. I think they're unfireable now.

Like, I don't think you can fire someone who you never hired. They're in some like weird, they're a glitch in the matrix now. They are just, you can't fire me, you never hired me. Who am I? I don't know. I have a ghost in the machine. Yeah, just, yeah, you don't have to show up for work. You don't have to do your responsibilities

because if they try and fire you say, fire who? Now, Laura, Laura, there is one issue there and that is if the paychecks do not come. And that was my question. If you're not hired, are you, have you been getting paychecks for the last five months? Because if the answer to that is no, my follow-up question is more of a statement

and it's boy, you sure like Best Buy, huh? You sure like the work there, huh? Well, I'm assuming. Let's say that you have been being paid for the last few months but you haven't been hired. Can you go talk to your bosses and go, hey, you know, Tom who we didn't hire, you know, five months ago when we really, you know,

we thought about it hard and we didn't hire Tom? I think that's a huge mistake. I think we should hire Tom so that you can get paid for doing the job twice. Get yourself hired. Are you saying that you should use your sway as an employee of the company to get yourself hired? Yeah, I think you should use your position

as assistant manager to get yourself hired. You could use yourself as a reference. I actually have a close dear friend that works there already, it's me. Yeah, and then you can be two assistant store managers which you add them up, that outranks the manager. Yeah. You are also then unstoppable

because if you answer only to yourself, like I am my own assistant manager and my assistant manager is myself, then I'm pretty sure you can just like restructure the whole company at that point. And when someone's like, who said you could do this? Be like, my manager. I'm like, who's your manager?

I'm like, me. I'm my own assistant manager. The old manager forged a recursive power loop that I exploited and now have become, I am galactus now. I used to work at a telemarketing place that would have a bonus that you would get paid if you brought a friend in and they got hired there.

That should have been a tip off that that was a bad job, huh? Now that I'm thinking about it in retrospect, that should have been a pretty big red flag. You know, that happens a lot. I, because I have worked so many retail jobs in my life, I still have that retail stink that when I am just walking around any retail store,

no matter how I am dressed, at least once I will be asked, do you work here? No matter what I'm doing. But there's just something about me that gives off the vibe of like, this is someone who should work here. It might be that. There were lots of people who worked at Best Buy with me

whose names I did not and will not know. So are you suggesting that maybe like, the on paper resume was terrible? But in person, Jimmethy showed up and was just like, oh, don't you seem like you would work here? Here's your paycheck. Travis is suggesting that both he and Jimmethy possess a retail-esque frame.

A body, a carriage that just seems to, maybe it's Travis's broad shoulders or thick hands. It might not be my gate. I might have a retail gate. If I saw, if you were a stranger to me and I was at the Staples and I saw your thick hands reaching for a big thing of paper,

I would just assume like, those hands have been thickened by paper lifting and you are an employee here. That is an employee who knows his way around a crate. Look at those hands. Those are crate hands and they would be right. Hey, Laura, is it true, are the rumors true that you have a book coming out this week?

I do have a book coming out this week and I'm mildly terrified. You've all done books before. I don't know how you do it. It's a lot, books. Laura, here's one of the prime ones that I've learned. When somebody says you have a book coming out, that is a good time to say the name of the book

so people can buy. Uncomfortable labels. It's a book about being trans and on the autism spectrum and how that's really common, but no one talks about it. And it's coming out on July 18th and it's in book places and you should all check it out. We've got a book coming out this week too.

Buy them both. Get a two for a condom. I've heard that they are good companion books. Yeah, exactly. If you don't buy both of them, then you're missing out on some of the secret special lore of the adventure zone. You got an ARG that kind of weaves between both of them.

See if you can solve it. Yeah, if you check the same page numbers in both books, you can crack the code and find out who Angus McDonald really is. Yes, that is true. The books do share a lot of similar words. I wish people could say stuff like that on one of our podcasts and me not having actual panic attack. Laura, this book is available this week on July 18th.

Please go buy it. Laura, congratulations on your extensive campaign to get on our show and its success. I'm glad I didn't have to close the door behind you on your way out. I'm glad I didn't have to pull the shout at Sidney until she lets me be on card because that was ready to go. Yeah, I was lined up. Yeah, please lock the door on your way out and then burn it

and then put bricks over the door. This door never existed. This has been great, but never, no one else. Never again. Never again. You can come back through the door, but others can't follow you or me. You know where the door is. It's like the wardrobe in Lion the Witch and the wardrobe.

It might not work the same again. You know, maybe you'll end up on Joe Rogan's show. Joe Rogan is Mr. Tumnus in this scenario. He's a very Tumnus-esque figure as he's been described numerous times. Laura, Kate, Dale, thank you for your time and your treasured insight. Thank you so much. Hey, I've got another yahoo. Is Justin back from Soda Town?

Oh, yeah. Rip it, grip it, and drip it, baby. Write down your soda hole. Here's a yahoo that was sent in by Merritt Palmer. Oh, man, dude, I got a dry soda hole. Thanks, Merritt. If only there was some way I could moisten my soda hole. Yeah, that was a funny thing that I said.

This has been on my brother, my brother and me fancast. Shit, Merritt Palmer sent this in. Thank you, Merritt. It's anonymous yahoo answers user. I'm going to call Ronny asks, was this woman at the vets rude? There's a comment there. Was this woman at the vets rude? Took my cat for his usual injections.

And when I get there, this woman was sat in the waiting room with her two dogs. She looked at my cat in his carrier and said to her dogs, there you go, boys, some nice lunch for you. Okay. That's the end of the question. Was that rude? Was this woman at the vets rude? Because she gave the boys a nice lunch?

Justin, I think the implication there is that she was encouraging her dogs to eat the question askers cat, Alf style. How is that true? I've, cartoons have taught me that the dog hates the cat. Yes. Does the dog want to eat the cat? Because I don't know that I've ever seen or heard that necessarily happen. Yeah, there's never that scene, right?

So what's it, what's the issue? Well, the cat eat the mouse for sure. We know this. Yes. Seen this. Yes. Happens. And I believe in the circle of life, something has to eat the cat.

And it might not be the dog, but I think the dog is just the next size up. And it would be weird if, if it would be weird if in like cartoon shorthand, everyone understood like, well, yes, cats eat mice and horses eat cats. Like that would be weird. There has to be some steps between there, a little old lady style. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. And I'm looking at it now and boy, this feels weird. Because I think we've probably talked about this before,

but she does swallow the dog to get the cat. Yes. Is she expecting the dog to chase the cat out of her? Because I don't think this dog's going to eat the, I think you could have found a better animal. Does she, she saw the spider catch the fly. I don't know why she saw the fly, but she swallowed the cat to catch the rat, to catch the spider cat.

And then she swallowed the dog to get the job. Right. What? What? What? She swallowed the dog for the vine. She swallowed a goat to get the dog. She swallowed a cow for the vine.

Vine too. That was awesome for the vine. And she swallowed a horse. She swallowed the horse to impress Terry Crews on America's Got Talent. This, this old lady loses the fucking plot. I got a fly in me. Let's get the spider to get that. I got a spider in me.

Let's get a bird. So far, so good. I got a cat. I got a bird in me. Cat, get in there. You know what's up. Dog, now it's your turn to go get the cat. All right.

Go, go get this dog. Goats like, are you sure? Whoa. I will say a dog's dog kind of my natural foot. Whoa. Hey, cow, you're bigger than a goat. Get in there and eat it. That's not real.

Whoa. Horse, you're smaller than a cow, but I've completely just sort of lost the roadmap here. Do you think at that point the goat and the cow and the horse got in there and looked at the dog and the dog was like, what are you all going to do? And they're like, we don't even know. She should have swallowed like a shark or a T-Rex or something.

So anyway, is that rude? I no longer have a pet, but I've had this situation, not this exact situation, but like in the waiting room of the vet is there's some weird etiquette that I don't necessarily know. And the number one thing is that I don't give a shit about most people's pets. And that's just the truth.

Yeah, especially mine. I have noticed that, yeah. Yeah. And so that's just the truth. And that's the truth of the matter. But like, if you sit down next to me and you got a little pupper dog and the pupper dog wants to interface with one of your pets,

I don't know how to deal with that because I don't necessarily want that, I think. The only time that I ever get a little befuddled at any kind of vet or any kind of animal daycare thing is when I see something with their animal and their animal is just going bonkers. Just like losing it. And the person is sitting there completely calm

and stoic and like not reacting to their animals just like, get me out of here. Like, and I want to be like, hey, I don't think they're cool right now. Like, even my dog will sit there with me and go like, are they okay? What is wrong? I want to set them free.

And then I'll see somebody bring in like a bird and I'll just look at him like, really? You'll look at the bird? I'll look at the person and be like, really? You need to fix them up? There's a bird. There's lots of- Why sound so serious?

And let's put a smile on that face. I'm just, I'm just saying. There's lots of birds out of nature and they don't need doctors to live. I'm just a dog chasing a car. Literally. I'm just a dog chasing a cat to eat it, I guess. And then the cat is chasing a bird, I guess,

and the bird is going after spider. I'm just a dog running away from a goat. In an old lady's intestine. You want to know how I got these scars? I was eating, I was eating a large turban shepherd. To get, well, to catch. Let me start over. Let me start at the beginning.

So there was this old lady, right? All right, so I'm an old lady. Also, and my nephew keeps egging me on with these vines. You want to see a magic trip? My nephew. Want to see a magic trick? I want to see a magic trick. I have a shitland pony inside.

Because I've been standing for 40 minutes, Mr. Joker. I've been standing for so long and I'm an eight. I want to be an agent or chaos like you, but I had to stay on this the whole time. This sucks, this sucks. Shit. Okay. You think if you're veterinarian and someone walks in with a parrot,

you're like, oh, tell them we're closed. Like I, because here's the thing. No, thank you. You deal with cats and dogs every day. You're good at those. You feel comfortable. You feel confident dealing with a cat. How often do you deal like a session?

Maybe you're like a small town vet. Somebody brings in a big fancy bird and you're like, I'm going to fuck that up. I haven't done parrots in like 23 years. Please don't ask me anything about parrots. Okay. This is my pet octopus. Oh boy.

Okay. I think I can, I feel like I have a little bit of a margin of error. I think, I think it's, I think, okay. Let me make this argument as a vet. Okay. I think as a veterinarian, you shouldn't work on animals that you could feed to other animals you work on. That seems insane to me, right?

But the little old lady scenario, Justin, that could be anything. That's anything. Yeah. That's a good point, I guess. When pushed to their limits, any animal can eat any other animal. I think I'm just saying, listen, this is my hot take. I think doctors have it easy. Doctors only got to work on one species.

True. Veterinarians got to work on like all the other ones. Hey doctors, fucking share the load with the veterinarians. Yes, thank you. Veterinarians now do dogs, cats, and that's it. And doctors, you're still going to do people, but now you also have birds. Let's start. You have birds and maybe horses.

Because there is like farm vets that like specialize in horses. True, true, true. Farm doctors. Farm doctors. I'm just saying, first step, the first step towards a more equal sort of situation. Veterinarians give birds to the doctors. Yes. Every hospital is now also a bird hospital.

And you know what? I'll say this, maybe there's some light stuff with humans. You can let vets take care of that. Now I feel like you're losing the spirit of the arrangement we're trying to sell. But then if there's like a really big dog that can go to doctors. We'll find a balance. We'll get there.

So you think case by case, Travis's new job is for every hospital in the country, deciding if the patient is going to go to doctor, hospital, or veterinarian hospital. I'm saying that this is my new hit series that I'm pitching in BC, where it is a combination hospital and veterinarian hospital. And there's some drama, but definitely more on one side than the other. I just want to see the break room where veterinarians and doctors compare notes and like, yeah, I also had a tough one today. A dog ate a Lego man.

Shall we end the show? I feel like that's a tough. It's tough for us to answer that fairly, isn't it? Yes, it is. In this moment. I just rolled my office chair over my toes, so I don't really like to end the show. Think about how good the sitting will be. It's going to be so good.

The sitting will be good and it'll be well earned, I would say. I keep doing stuff, like lifting my shirt up to like vent it and like, you know, scratching. And then I realized that I have a big open patio to over behind me and people can see my stuff and I don't like that. We love it. I had some point in recording and I can't remember why. Put on a second belt, but not through the belt loops.

Just wrapped it around my hip. All right. We're all doing some unconscious stuff. Yeah. I want to say a big thank you to Laura Catedale for coming under our podcast. Bullying her way on. I think it's a healthy way. Healthy bully in a healthy, productive way.

Uncomfortable labels is the name of Laura's book. Go buy it now. Also, if you could this week, please buy our book, The Adventure Zone, volume two, Murder on the Rockport Limited, which maybe the volume two is probably the end or it may not even have it. There's a two in there probably somewhere, but it's The Adventure Zone, Murder on the Rockport Limited. If it helps us the most, if you buy it this first week, because it's, I don't know,

book sales are weird and archaic, but if you could buy it this week, that would be great. And I think it's a really fun book. If you've read the first one, you know that it's good and this one's on a train, so. Even better. Even better. If you can, maybe go to your local bookstore, see if they're getting in, check with them. Yeah. Buy up all those copies, tell them to get more.

Speaking of comic books, this week is also San Diego Comic-Con, which we are going to be at with various different events and stuff. If you want to see the events, I'm sure we'll have it up on macroi.family at some point, but you can also go to my brand new revamped travestmacroi.com and right there. Here you go. There you go. All right. Click on the schedule.

Also, the Cincinnati Underground Society Show, which I don't talk off then about on the podcast, but it's a semi-regular show we do here in Cincinnati. We're now offering Lifetime Memberships for it that come with a bunch of other really cool swag and benefits and stuff. You can buy those also on travestmacroi.com. And I just realized we forgot to talk about, along with the book coming out, we're doing book tour. Yeah.

We're coming to New York, Austin, LA. Portland. Portland's already sold out, but we will be in Portland. We'll see you there. LA, and I think San Diego's sold out too. Go to macroi.family. Click on Tours. There's tickets there for the book tour shows.

Please come to the LA show. Please, please, please. Yeah, come on. Thanks to John. Come on, Coward. Come on. Thanks to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for these for our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed.

Great album, great song, great website. Traveling on it right now looks professional. Thank you. It was done by Eric Inlow, Courtney Inlow's brother. And he did an amazing job. I'm really, really pleased with it. So also thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximumfun.org.

Check out all the great shows there. Shows like the JV Club with Janet Varney and Beef and Dairy Network and a bunch more. All at maximumfun.org. Can I read the final? Yahoo! Oh, one more thing. MacroiMerch.com. Got a bunch of new merch, including Monster Factory merch, brand new.

And I think it's absolutely beautiful. Go check it out. MacroiMerch.com. Madeleine sent this one in. Thanks, Madeleine. It's from Yahoo! Answers user, well, shoot. Darth Beaver, who asks.

Oh, beans. Yep. I went to my first ballet last night. What is with all the ladies toe dancing? Why don't they just hire taller women? Why are you just a Macroi? I'm Griffin McElroy. Is it my brother, my brother, me?

Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, internet. I'm your husband, host Travis McElroy.

And I'm your wife, host Teresa McElroy. And together, we present Schmaners. It's Extraordinary Etiquette. For ordinary occasions. We explain the historical significance of everyday etiquette topics, then answer your questions relating to modern life. So join us weekly on maximumfun.org or wherever podcasts are found. No RSVP required.

Check out Schmaners. Manor, schmaners. Get it?