My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 471: Face 2 Face: The Fraternity of Bones

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

We spent pretty much all of last week on Island Time, which means we didn’t have time to record our japes and post them online for you, our dear friends. Instead, please enjoy this VILE episode that we did in Cleveland, a city that we ruined, with our filth.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? I never realized how much flossing looks like repeatedly stabbing yourself in the butt and crotch. Oh my god! Yeah, you are the one who chose to floss furiously. No one, I just said do a dance. You've flossed so hard. I've dislocated every bone in my body. Holy shit. You've flossed really hard. Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother made an

advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. And what a thrill it is to be here in Cleveland. Oh, you've heard of it. We are here and we are so grateful to those of you that bought tickets to make the long journey out. There's like 2,000 of you. Just to make it sound like this is our community theater production that just our dad and friends can do. Thanks for giving us a chance. This is this grassroots live show. We want you, but there's that and also our families are still

grateful for watching Cincinnati. So it's gonna get nasty tonight. We talked about it and we, this is gonna, we want it to be a vile show. What we want from this show is, you know, a lot of your friends maybe didn't want to come because they don't like us. And maybe we were like smelly or whatever, like terrible or not funny or whatever. And we want you to go back to them and be like, you missed. Well, I won't say missed. It was vile. You made the right choice and not coming because it was profane. We've had to not publish a lot of live shows due to like technical sound issues. This one might just be too hot for TV. And if this one goes up, it'll be 10 minutes long. Not that they let us on TV anymore. No, not anymore. I mean, technically, unless you had

some way to connect your streaming device to a TV, we weren't allowed on TV in the first place. That's fair. But anyway, we are here. We do advice. We're brothers. We're nasty. We're nasty. No, we're not. We're nasty. We're three top tier nasty boys. We're nasty middle-aged men. Okay, that's way worse. That's so much worse. No, listen, we're three nasty middle-aged men that bring their dad with them everywhere. We're nasty. We're three dads who hang, three nasty dads who hang out with their nasty dad. Hang out with their nastier dad. With two musician nasty dads who open for us. Listen, we're just a big group of nasty dads traveling the country in a band. I thought that me breaking both my arms before the show started

was a bad energy. This is making it actually way worse. I love this energy. Get comfortable here in the kingdom of the profane where we reign supreme. Y'all about to get slimed. It's gonna be, we're gonna say nasty words. All right, let's fucking do the show. I'm tired of this. Troubling concepts, confrontational ideas, mature situations, adult situations, cartoon violence, cartoon violence, mild drug use. Anyway, it's in an English language. It's an advice show. I decided to apply for a part-time job. One job that came up was for a paranormal investigation group. I jokingly sent an application and I received a phone call from the group because they want me on the team. Here lies the problem. I'm beyond terrified of the dark even though I'm an adult.

Holy shit. This question has now taken two turns. Yes. It is almost back where it started. I made up an excuse that I wasn't able to go to the interview and they stated that they still really want me on the team and I need to give them a call when I'm available to do the interview. How do I get out of this mess? I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be haunted and that's from I ain't afraid of no ghost. Wait. Yes, I am. Are you here? Are you here? Are you present? I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay. First off, let me say I'm sorry about how dark it is out there. Are you cool? Yeah, it's quite dark. Just look at us. It's bright up here. Imagine being us. I would also say two things. Thank you for, thank you so much for writing the question,

but thing one, you didn't jokingly submit a resume. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of work. You were like, ha ha click, like you typed out a thing. And secondly, how good is that resume and what do you have on it that these paranormal investigators like this is everything we've been looking for? I was an assistant manager at Toys R Us before it shut down. I was a safety associate at Best Buy and also I'm an Esper who can see. I would be concerned about any job where the exchange is, Hey, we would want you to come for interview. I'm not going to fucking do that. No, please. We really need people by which I mean bodies by which I mean vessels. Did I say damn? Have you thought? Okay, here's what you do. Okay, you go to the interview on pins and needles

and you say, okay, here's the only thing I kind of focus on day ghosts. Okay. And then if they're like what day ghosts, then you say what you think ghosts only come out at night. That's ridiculous and racist. I catch when the ghostbusters catch their nighttime ghosts and they bring them home and then those ghosts escape from captivity while they're on the road and have nowhere to haunt. Sun comes up. What are they going to do? Call a fucking Uber? No, there's still just ghosts are always there. Where do they go during the day? Yes, someone's saying yes. This isn't a joke. This is my thesis. Yeah. I think that there's a pretty easy solution is you go in, you do the interview, crush it. Of course, you're already halfway in. You're in. You're in. Once someone says we really

need you, they can't play hardball with you. So you go, you do the interview and as you're standing up and you're about to sign the huge novelty signing bonus they have for you, huge novelty check, you say, I just want one more thing. I am a ghost. And then see how they handle that because they can't prove you're not, right? Can't prove a negative. Can't prove a negative. Can't prove you're not a ghost. And they can't say like, there's no such thing as ghosts. You are going to need to phase through the door instead of opening that will be and I have a wiki how article for you that's really going to help you out with that. He was paid $17 to ride it and it was worth every penny. Do you all want a yahoo from the yahoo answer service? Yeah. I have one here that was sent in

by Emma Kant. Thank you, Emma. It's yahoo. They're anonymous yahoo answers user. I'm going to call them a pillop, which is like Philip with LPH. Fun. I've missed a button. I'm going to remedy that very quickly. Oh, no, no, no. Would I tell you sexy? No, no, no, no. Yikes. We got to get raunchy. No, Jesus. Okay, so that's a no. That's going to be a no from me. All right. Pillop asks, how to surprise someone with a horse? What's what's the best way to surprise someone with a horse and what's the best time to do it after dinner or early in the morning? Why are those the only two options? Yeah. This doesn't seem relevant, but BTW, we don't have a

barn and aren't going to keep our horse at our house. This is just sort of a woods a woods horse that comes back and knows it's needed. That is like if I surprised my child with a bike and said, now I'm going to put this bike inconveniently away. This bike will actually be across town. This one's going to be in the basement at church. It is. It's kind of like speed. Once you get the horse, you can't stop with it anywhere. You have nowhere to stop with a horse. You have to keep moving. Okay. It's like a chocobo. It'll run away as soon as you get off of it. So before breakfast or after dinner and no time in between. Do it. Yeah. Do it after dinner. Here's what I would do. Invite the person to a fancy dinner. Make sure your table is near. Wait, hold on. What did you

think you was going to say? People who grown in the audience? Sorry. Invite the person to a fancy dinner. Make sure your table is near a giant plate glass window. After the desserts have been served, or maybe perhaps it's an ice cream. That's a kind of dessert. Yeah, sure. Crème brûlée. Still a dessert. Yeah. All of a sudden the plate glass window fucking shatters and you come riding a horse. Woo. You shatter right there. This is yours. And it's bleeding to death. It's bleeding to death. It's so death. Make your peace. Enjoy it. Quick. Enjoy it. Quick. Surprise. Quick. Get a picture. Fuck. Get a picture. Quick. No, not there. Gross. No, too much blood. Hey, that's a good one. Speaking of, put a horse head in her bed. And then when they wake up,

when they wake up. That's a great surprise. When they wake up screaming, you'd be like, no, I'll psych the rest of it. It's right there. And then you just pick up the horse head and just right back onto the horse's body. It's like, it's fine. It's young. It's a young horse. It's going to be fine. And it regrows. And it's fine. You could also, if you're still at the restaurant, you could have your server come by with like, I don't know, a big cupcake. And you're like, here's a special cupcake for your birthday. And they're like, it's not my birthday. You know, just please, please start opening. Time is of the essence. You must start opening the cupcake right now. Horses inside. Oh, it's a big cupcake. Maybe put a horse at the bottom of a glass of

champagne. Yes. But I was your lover. What's it? Oh, Rodney. And then it's like a very sweet moment. You put the horse in like a big, big jewelry, like claptrap box. And when they reach in to get the horse, you fucking slam it down on their hand. Also slamming it on the horse, killing it instantly. Again, this is, there's very few survivable options for the horse. The horse isn't making it, folks. Yeah, don't make your horse part of a surprise. I have another question. Riddle me, Piss, boys. It's still, I'm still, it still feels like we're beta testing Riddle Me, Piss. Riddle Me, Piss, boys. All right. These, one of these riddles was submitted by Matthew. The other one, I lost the name. How mysterious. Oh, two riddles. Good. Double the link. I do have two riddles.

The first one goes a little something like this. What's clear to the eyes made by your imagination. Weary, weary, weary by hurt feelings escapes only by death. I literally, this frequency you're using. It makes it impossible to remember what's clear to the eyes. It's shutting down my brain. Like my brain is like, don't hear this. What's clear to the eyes. Thank you. Made by your imagination. Okay. Weary by hurt feelings. Okay. Weary. Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Weary by hurt feelings. That's the wording. That's not a coherent thought. Escapes only by death. Can I, I want to, I, you know what sucks about this segment is that I try to guess what the correct answer is that the riddles.com user said. So I'll say some like wild shit thinking it's right and it's even wronger. And what's that

say about me? Right. I'm going to say life. Close. Very close. Dreams. Okay. Very close. I want, I want to remind you of my favorite part of the riddle connected the answer and that is made by your imagination. The answer is your soul. Escapes only by death. Finally. Bye, fucker. This, okay. The second one just, it's, you're not even going to let that one dink around a little bit in the noodle. I love this one so much. It has the best beginning to a riddle me piss ever. Okay. And I'm actually going to say it in the voice because I love it so much. It goes like this. I am something. Oh, good. I kiss my mama before I die. What am I? Okay, right. That's it. Once again, the clues you get are I am something. Right. I kiss my mama before I die. What am I?

So there's just the two clues. I am something. Uh huh. I kissed my mama before I die. Correct. Don't kiss mama before you die from the train. Um, a bit. These, I hate this. It is anti-joke. Like it is the, if the other things that we do are like comedy prompts, this is a comedy sandbag that you drop from the ceiling and poison our show. I know what it is. Of course you fucking do. I kissed my mama before I die. Uh, a baby. I know. I don't. Challenging. Obviously. The answer is a matchstick. Oh yeah. This is actually good. Because here's what it scratches the box, which is like it came out of its mommy and it touches it. And also it is something. And you know how whenever you take

a matchstick out of a box, you're like, time to leave your mommy. Yeah. Yeah. But you know how after you use a match, you say, oh, that match, it's dead now. Yeah. After it kissed its mommy, the box. What a wild thing if you throw a match down, like what happened with that? Like, well, it kissed its mommy and now it's dead. Excuse me? The match? I know sometimes when I'm setting up a candle at romantic dinner at home, I'll be like, you like this? You want some music? Okay. Yeah. Just give me one second. Kiss your mommy. Let's go. Let's get that question going. Yeah. Anything. Anything. I'd rather read my own obituary. I moved. I moved back in with my parents after graduating from college and I'm finishing unpacking.

Promo LeMiz, I have a bunch of anime posters and I'm not sure if I should put them up on my walls. No. Oh, that one was so easy. No. No. Put up posters of other things. What about cool cards or babes or sports heroes? Put up posters of other stuff. Not this. I enjoy these posters. Okay. But I'm worried my family will view me as immature. Yep. If I put them up, it's bad enough I didn't have a job right out of school and I had to move back in here. Should I go ahead and put these away or follow my bliss? That's from posterer Fiend and Philly. You should not. Don't do it. I know this is risky to ask now, but are you here?

Okay. Okay. All right. No, I get it. I get it. Stop. Stop. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. These two thirds just dunked. I'm going to say you should stand your bliss. This is beautiful. Now are you here? No. Okay. Fine. Okay. What about a poster of Scarface? That's now that's a bad. A lot of people have that. It's like a cool. Yeah. It's like the world is yours and it says it on there and people come over and be like, this is Tomy, Montana. I haven't seen the movie. This is a, this poster is a reminder for me to see the movie Scarface. I wrote on the wall above it to do and then I put a colon and then I put the poster from Scarface and I didn't frame it or anything. I just kind of duct taped it up there. I know two

things. It's big gun and he, this dude loves confectioner sugar, I think. Yeah. He eats piles of it. I say, I say you put the anime posters up and then when your parents come in the room, you're wearing like a really cool smoking jacket and maybe you have like a cool mustache and a pipe and you explain to them the artistic value and then if they're like, that seems immature then you say, you don't get it and then blow smoke directly right in their face. It's time for you to elevate anime. Maybe a nice frame is so important and some down lighting. Oh yes. Some museum quality maybe like a stage with a velvet rope. Museum quality framing is huge. Yes. Because that is art, that elevates anime to art and I think that that would be, she's putting some stuff up here, put a

little plate next to it that says like, you know, printing on paper with the artist's name and maybe the piece title and the year that it came out and then just standing in front of it going, can you two not name any anime other than Dragon Ball Z? Yuri on Ice. That doesn't count. I know I think that's you talk right. Can you name any anime I've not joked about on a stage with you before? Gundam. All right. Attack on Titan. Okay. Paul was talking about that backstage. Which also doesn't count. Wait, hold on. Battle Angel Alita. There's one where little kids are detective. That's the adventure zone. It doesn't count. Okay. Let me say this. Let me say this. I'm all for this, right? But that's a lot of posters and you can put up too many posters.

You can do poster over Kale, but you can repurpose them. I know sometimes on Queer either like, I don't want to throw out my dad's old clothes and then they come back and Bobby's like, I made it into a quilt and then they have to be like, oh good because I for sure didn't like them in clothes form, Bobby. That's not overstepping at all, pal. Anyway, make a quilt out of your anime posters. Make a quilt out of your dad's anime posters. Yeah. I want to say I love anime. I think it's beautiful art form. I'm just trying to get myself an excuse to quit Twitter and I feel like I'm nudging my way there. You're getting closer, man. Hey, let's just swing right onto this good vine. Emma Kant also sent this one and it's from Yahoo Answers user We Who Asks. How do I buy an

anime body pillow without my parents knowing? This is great. This is almost the inverse of the last question. I want one, but I don't know how to get one without my parents knowing and how can I get it without my parents knowing? Okay. Here's my pet. Here's the hardest thing to pretend it's something other than what it is. It's so, it's so of itself. Right. That if you were seeing carrying it, you and then would say, what is it? And you had to say what it was. Luggage. It's a dead friend. Like there's nothing. It's a memorial. It's a memorial. Here's what you do. You go to your parents, you say, listen, I've been doing some research. I went on consumerreports.com or whatever. And I was looking for the best pillowcase. And it turns out it's this one,

having nothing to do with the anime bay bar. Nothing to do with it. It is just hypoallergenic and top quality material. The thread count is off the charts. It's just one big thread. And apparently that's what we've been looking for. It hides stains like you wouldn't believe. And that's Oh, we're getting the light. That's our time. No, I love anime. Okay. How can we get an anime body pillow in this fucking house without their parents knowing? Sarcophagus. Now we're talking. Now we're cooking with gas. Sarcophagus. What? Like a shot of Turin kind of thing? What are you talking about? No, you idiot. That's a wrap. I'm talking about a beautiful museum quality sarcophagus. If you can find an anime body pillow on Amazon, you should be able to find a sarcophagus

to fit it. That's what I'm saying, Jeff Bezos. Yes, of course. You could always say it was a shipping mistake from the Amazon factory. I was trying to get one of a cool car, maybe the car from cars that the Wilson brother plays. I can't remember which one does it. And it's, dad, it was supposed to be the car car. And believe me, I've been on the phone with Amazon every freaking day trying to take care of this. And as soon as I can get it corrected, they are going to ship me out a beautiful Owen Wilson. What was the car car called? Can you get an Owen Wilson pillow? Lightning McQueen. They're going to replace it with an Owen. I'm pissed off too, dad. It's supposed to be Owen Wilson. I'm the one who has to sleep with it. Yeah. Oh, if you had to get an Owen

Wilson body pillow, would you get Owen Wilson from Rotten and Bombs or Owen Wilson from um, the... Holy shit. No, let him bomb, let him bomb. Hold on, hold on. Owen Wilson from Rotten and Bombs. Yeah. Or, thank you, drill bit Taylor. It's the one and only time I will accept audience participation when it's trying to help me remember the name of the film, drill bit Taylor. Thank you, my friend. But let it be law from now on, because I don't want this to be a bad habit established in this or any other audience. If we ever ask for a question, if we ever ask for advice, if it's we don't know a rule for Dungeons and Dragons, we can't remember some arcane name of something, just yell drill bit Taylor every time. Right. That'll, that'll always spice things up.

I think I would take the drill bit Taylor pillow. Yes. Because it would be far more inexplicable. Yes. If anybody saw that there is no justification, I could just be like, I don't know either. Griffin what? Which uh, Owen Wilson pillow would you take? Uh, yeah, mine would be Dupree and I could act pissed off every time I came in my bedroom. Like this fucking guy's still here. Justin. Marmaduke. Well, that wasn't an option. Gotta think outside the box. Uh, I decided to apply for a part-time job. One job that came, oh, I got that one. I worked children's birthday parties. Let's take another pass. I think we could. One more again. I worked children's birthday parties at a local family fun center, as it is known.

A big part of my job is doing magic tricks for the kids. Here's my issue. I absolutely suck at doing magic tricks. I've been doing, working this job for almost two years and my boss thinks I'm great at it. I managed to convince her I'm really good by pure luck. Even every time I do a party though, the kids are unimpressed and often see right through my tricks. They'll literally shout out how I'm doing the trick. It's frustrating and embarrassing. What do I do? And that's from mediocre magician in Cleveland. Are you, are you here? All right. Well, a thousand doves just flew onto the stage. Whoa. Thank you. They're all on fire. Oh, shit. I cannot think of anything more demoralizing than having an eight-year-old just yell out like,

the ball's under your armpit, dumbass. I mean, okay. Maybe try theming it for something the kids like, like Fortnite. Just like, you put a, instead of a bunny rabbit and just rename it their favorite Fortnite stars. Are you literally reaching, what's inside the hat? And then it's your phone and you're like, your favorite guys to streaming. Just watch this for 20 minutes. Just watch this. I'm going to sit in silence and smoke cigarettes while your kids enjoy this Fortnite video. Maybe work on your pattern and make it less about, you know, there are a lot of like, comedian magicians out there where the tricks are either like really basic or sometimes even really bad, but then it's actually about like the comedy they do. Yeah. You could do that and just like

full on dunk on the birthday. Just roast on the birthday boy. Yeah. But like, here's two rings. Whoops. Anyways, fuck you, Josh. Yeah. I mean, probably more subtle than the hat. Yeah. I'm not you. What's in the hat? Let's see. It's for you, Josh. Huff my shorts. If you're listening to this later, Griffin just did a flip-off. It was rad. Oh, look at this. I got two hats, Josh. It's two. It's two flip-offs. Are you? Hold on. I'm running some mental calculations. Okay. Are you prepared currently to do any visual magic right now? Oh my God. Be quiet. I can't hear them. I can't hear them agonizing over this question. Are you prepared to let us judge your magical prowess right now? This is not

acceptable. Are you prepared to let us support your magical prowess right now? If not, just say no real loud. Does anyone have a deck of cards? If anyone says yes, they're a plant. Now, everyone be quiet. Do you have a deck of cards? Listen, we've never had magic in a show before. One magic trick is not going to kill us. I guess come on magic. Come on down, I guess. Come on down. Let's get that deck of cards up here. Come on down and let's pass that deck of cards forward. Let's get that deck of cards up here. You'll never get it back. I don't know how you get up to the stage, Paul. I don't either. Can we get a loop? Hello, hello, hello. Welcome. Hello. Come to the microphone. Hello. It's honest.

God, we've never had magic. I'm so excited. At this point in the show, Adonis does a badass magic trick, but their microphone wasn't working, so it's just like three minutes of us going, whoa, no way. So now we take you to the end of Adonis's magic trick. All right, by Adonis, thank you. You're great. You're a great magician. That was incredible. That was amazing. See, that's much, I have to tell you guys, that's much better than jokes. I mean, I just want to know how they cheated. Yeah. I mean, I know how they did it. The worst. Hey, I got a Yahoo. Okay, perfect. Cool. This one's from Adrian Cowles. Thank you, Adrian. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user. I'm going to call

Adonis asks, should scientists give octopi bones? And a lot of other podcasts would turn and just run away from a question like that. Five words, each one so vitally essential. Should scientists give octopi bones? I will say that the word that most troubles me in there, and if I have to pick one, is give. Because that makes it sound like you would hand the octopi bones and they would just absorb them in. Oh, thank you. Finally, someone gave us bones. Travis, it's up to the scientists to figure out how to give the bones to the octopi. I think the problem would be, that's why they're scientists. If you did this, I think that it would be really hard for the octopus to walk,

because its legs would not just be locked in a straight position, and it'd be like, like a tripod. It doesn't have to be one bone per leg, Travis. Your imagination has failed us again. You make me so fucking mad sometimes. I mean, again with this shit, even if it's two bones, if you give it like a human and it's two bones with knees, two bones in every human. I think that it would be a lot of bones in each one. How many? Eight. So it would have seven knees? No, not every joint's a knee, you dullard. So it would have knuckles, oh wait, knuckles. Hold on, are the legs the fingers? There's 50 bones in one big skull. And think about that last one for a second,

because that's the most fucked up bone of all. The last thing? Yeah. What if they give him the skull of, no, that's just attractive Squidward. Never mind. Listen, my fear is this. We give the octopi bones. We're loving it. We don't. I don't know how to. The scientists are going to do this. Scientists give them bones. At first, they're not crazy about it, right? They don't love it, their pants don't fit. They hate it. They can't squish through little holes anymore. They can't squish through little holes anymore. Oh no, my door's only this big. Can't get in my dang dang house. Now they're mad at us, but they do have bones. Oh no. My fear is this. You give an octopi bones. And they'll want a glass

of milk. Eventually they're going to look up from the beautiful brining, shimmery, shiny sea. They're going to look up on land and they're going to say, Gerald, I'm going up to take what's theirs. That's the big mistake you make with octopi is you give them bones and they're going to come on land and want our shit. Yeah. That's what happened in Finding Dory. And I know what you're saying. They can't breathe. Well, we gave them bones. Like long bones. Why, why, no, why stop there? Let's give them gills and get them up here. Let's give them gills and then let's give them skin and then let's give them emotions and then let's give them a car alone. Let them have sex and then it'll be bicentennial octopus. Yes. Let's give them bones. Let's give them gills. Let's give them

training and coding. My bicentennial man joke didn't go very good. Nobody likes it. Octotennial man. No, no, nothing. Let me ask you that. I think that this, listen, science has come a long way. We know that. We've maybe been to the moon. You know what I mean? Don't do this. We've done a lot of stuff. Where's the pelvis going, an octopus? They don't have to have all the bones. They just have to have... Wait, where would you stop? You give them a spine. You give them a skull. You give them some legs. You give them a pelvis. Maybe some ribs. Now they're a person. Now let me, let me ask you this. Does the octopus wear pants with four legs or eight? Or is it four legs and a shirt with four sleeves?

I would actually think two, two sleeves, two pants legs. And then just when they lift their shirt up, just four arms. Yeah, nice. It's fun at parties. Why would they wear clothes? They're an octopus. Oh, well, because they've joined the fraternity of bones. You've got to wear clothes if you got bones. Everybody was in here and would have bones when it's closed. At least that's my platform for 2020. If everybody else can run, I can fucking run with, if you got bones, you need clothes. I'm pulling at two percent. Wait, ribbon has the biggest donations of all time?

I've never used this in self-defense before, but... Here I am. Rock you like the Munch Squad. I want a munch. This is the Munch Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast in its waning ears. Still. Hold on, I need a little sip of my cab before we move on. Wet the comedy whistle. Let's see if I have a way out here. Thanks, Paul. And thank you, Bookhouse Brewing.

This... Okay, Paul's just gonna keep... Okay. I'll just keep doing my jokes. Thanks, Paul. This outrageously... Oh, you don't have to do that. Yeah.

Hey, you guys did really good. Yeah, y'all brushed it. Paul and Storm did so good. Did you guys want to come back out and finish the show? Okay. All right. This outrageously kinky ice cream store is coming to Victoria in July. Wow, I don't like any of that.

None of it's good. None of it's good. This is from Kat. Thank you, Kat, for sending in this outrageously kinky ice cream store coming to Victoria in July. I stopped. I've been on the internet a while. It's gonna take something pretty wild for me to qualify it as outrageously. We used to advertise for a sex toy company for many years.

This is the extreme... No, this is a fun life hack. I still follow them on Twitter. So sometimes I'll be scrolling like, oh, bad news, bad news. Oh, cage for a boner. Uh-oh. I'm just saying, if this ice cream's not going inside me, not mouth-wise. Warning.

This store is not suitable for children and adults who aren't down to get dirty. It says that. Stop looking at my jokes. Victorians will finally... That's what they call themselves in Victoria. Okay. I'm in BC. Victorians will finally be able to get a taste of provocative Vancouver-based ice cream store,

perverted ice cream, by July 2019. Store owner Suzanne Serwatuck confirmed to Victoria Buzz. They'll be opening up a new location at 604. It doesn't matter. All the flavors featured in the Vancouver shop, ranging from classic and premium perverted to royally perverted. Sure. What could that be?

Very, very perverted. This ice cream will go down on you in a theater. Delivering...delivering on the owner's promise to serve delicious ice cream with a twist. And that twist, it's jizz. It's not. It's not jizz. I told you this would be a dirty one. I just think maybe that was a family miscommunication where, like, the grandma was like, let's open

an ice cream store with a twist. And he meant, like, two flavors twisted together. And his perverted son was like, oh, I know exactly what you mean. Twist and dicks, right? I love it. Whoa, no. I just wanted something that was unlike any other ice cream shop out there. Mission accomplished.

Perverted is a beautiful word that can mean so much. A sexual meaning is just a tiny bit of that. Oh, so your ice cream is the different kind of perverted. Yeah. Got it. Hey, everybody. I'm a pervert. That means I like listening to music.

Because it has lots of meanings. We're not here to king shame at all. But also, you can't say that the sexual meaning of perverted is just a tiny bit of it. When I would argue, it's a good 85%. Yeah. It's a bit, yeah. This one ice cream that they have a picture of actually is a big ice cream with chocolate on it, and it's got a condom shoved into it.

Not a joke. Oh, yep. Uh-huh. Yeah. So that, you were definitely going for the sex one on that. Yeah. The sex one. Y'all, y'all, y'all.

Y'all, news update. The condoms in a wrapper. Yes. Thank you. The seductive side is some of your favorite sweet treats. Some of which are served with a condom is one of the toppings. No glove, no love, right? Wrong.

Yeah, but. Incorrect. You've used it incorrectly. It's not supposed to refer to a condom shoved into an ice cream treat. No condom, no ice cream is nothing. That's nothing. Besides being finger licking delicious, pass, hard pass, hard pass. I have never had a press release make me want to wash my hands before.

Besides being finger licking delicious, this ice cream shop works with a local company that supplies the sugar and other symbol base ingredients that staff mix in the store every day with fresh, local, high-fat milk. Oh, sorry. That was from a different place. No, this place, it's perverted, but like, don't get it twisted. It's still great at it. Shop local, think super horny all the time.

They're also known for avoiding fillers. For what? And chemicals as much as possible to create the closest possible natural soft serve. Is that sexy? I literally don't know anymore. I'm afraid of the caveat as much as possible. We avoid chemicals. Oh no, someone got in.

Well, we do our best. They're cool, quirky ice cream flavors aren't the only things that'll make you scream this summer. Pop some of their signature salty balls in your mouth for a delicious surprise. Don't gratify that. No. Don't worry, we're only talking about their soft caramel covered chocolate balls with salt.

Good job. You made it half a fucking paragraph being cool. Yeah. And you had to be born again. Oh, don't get it twisted. We're not going to put testicles in your mouth. No fucking duh, ice cream company. No duh.

Oh, I thought you meant you were going to play some real human testicles in my mouth. Oh, you were clear. I was a guest. I'd made it this far in the advertisement, but I was confused by that because I didn't want strangers human testicles in my mouth, but now you've clarified to me that perhaps you made a confectionary treat. Oh, thank you so much. Ice cream store.

Fuck you. Perverted ice cream also sells t-shirts, sweatpants, candles, lip balms, baseball hats, and of course perverted condoms. So you can rep this new favorite in style. Imagine that scenario. Hey, cool condom. What's it from? It's from my favorite ice cream that I like, and you got the condom to keep us from having

a child or an STD at the ice cream store. So let me get it fucking straight. You pulled the condom to protect us sexually from the ice cream that you ate earlier. Good. I'm going home. Goodbye. Wait, wait, don't leave. Don't leave.

It's a perverted condom. I'm actually out. No. I'm actually done. Who would say, who wants to say that? Let me put on my perverted condom. Anyway, that's perverted ice cream. Come to Victorian July if you're in the area.

Check it out. Or don't. Don't. Or do. Or do. Where are I? Let's leaveushing. Hey, everybody.

This is Griffin flying, flying solo, got my pilot license. So you're on board my plane of advertising Money Zone stuff. And I'm gonna take a carry, if you look out to the right. You'll see the Blue Ridge Mountains. I want to tell you first of all about Kasper. Kasper is not a scary ghost. It's not a scary monster of any kind, it's not a Frankenstein, it's a bed. Specifically, the mattress part of the bread.

The bread. Okay, cut that, make sure you cut that one, Terry. They make beds, but mattresses. They've got these new hybrid mattresses that combine the pressure relief of their award-winning foam with durable yet gentle springs. We all have Casper mattresses, some of us I think more than one. I've got one up in my guest bedroom whenever we have folks over to take a slumber or take it to Slumber Town and snooze the day away, then we always get compliments.

They said, wow, that must be a million-dollar mattress, and then we say we're not supposed to say the price of the mattress in this advertisement, but it's super affordable and it's got luxurious comfort and resilience. We say all of this to them. They've got the hybrid collection with lift support, increased airflow for cooling, durability for all body types, and enhanced edge support, and they also have that 100-night risk-free sleep-on-it trial. So get one, I'm still saying all of this to my friends, get $100 towards select mattresses

by visiting casper.com slash brother and using brother at checkout. That's casper.com slash brother and using brother at checkout. Terms and conditions apply, and then that's all I say to my friends, and they leave. We're also sponsored in part this week by Meundee's. Meundee's is a really slick place that is here to change your underwear, but not actually even if you have made a mess down there, that's not what they do. They supply you with new underwear. They believe that undies should be soft, fit every booty, and offer fun patterns that give

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It's all so good. Right now, they have an offer for our listeners. For any first time purchasers, you can get 15% off and free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee by going to meundee's.com slash mybrother. That's 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee by going to meundee's.com slash mybrother. That's meundee's.com slash mybrother. That is it for the Jumbo Trons.

Thank you all so much for everybody that came out to Cleveland. I feel like we were kind of bratty about ticket sales at Cleveland, but y'all showed up in a big way, and it was a real fun show. That's what you're hearing right now. We are super, super slammed this week, and last week, all the rest of the fan was out on a beach vacation, so this is us filling in, but we should be back next week with a new installment in the McElroy Adventures, in the McElroy Trials. You're going to hear that, and you're going to be razzled and dazzled.

Go check out all our new merch. We got backpacks, we got fanny packs now, covered in sort of McElroy brand iconography. We got new pins, we got new kinds of everything, all at McElroy.Family. We still got some live shows coming up, but I think they may all be sold out, but you can also check on that at McElroy.Family. And yeah, I think everything else we do at the end of the show, so I'm going to let you get back to it. Bye.

Have you ever watched a movie so bad you just needed to talk to somebody about it? Well, here at the flop house, we watch a bad movie and then talk about it. Yeah, you don't have to do anything. We'll watch it and we'll talk it. We do the hard work. Featuring the beautiful vocal talents of Dan McCoy, Stuart Wellington, and me, America's Rascal, Elliot Kalen. New episodes every other Saturday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcast, dude.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Hello, what's your name? Hi, my name is Morgan. Hi, Morgan. That's quite an instrument you got there, Morgan. I love it. Why, thank you.

I appreciate it. My seeking for advice comes from a recent promotion that I got at work, which requires me to talk to a lot of executives at a corporate office and kind of make relationships with them so they can appreciate you. Oh. Share some of your hobbies and everything like that. We get it. My biggest hobby is yucky ice cream from a sexual...

No, I don't want to go there, Edward. No, thank you. Coward. Good ice cream in you. My biggest hobby is Magic the Gathering, which... Yes. Very cool. You all are among my friends and family, clearly, but I don't know if I want to tell a 50-year-old

man that I play a card game for 13 and up, the Asian game show. Most games are for 13 and up. Don't worry about that. True. True. I don't know of a board game that says like, for 50 years old and older. Not a board game, but golf. Golf, yeah.

Okay. I'm pretty sure they like... So you just came up... So you love Magic the Gathering and you came up to drag golf? Is that what we're doing? Okay, good. Oh, 100%. Okay, good, good, good.

It might not be Magic the Gathering that's the only thing keeping you separate from 50-year-olds. Okay. It might also be your junkie. This is true. Okay. But my question is, how do I make that sound cool? My passion is cards.

Ooh. Do you play? Do you play cards? I've been known to get down to Vegas from time to time. Okay. Okay. Would you say that this is the end of our conversation? Yeah, I would.

Excellent. This has gone very well. Here's a great option. Lie. You could lie. What are you into? I love football. I also love football.

Excellent. No, no, no, no, no. Who's your team? The... The plane walkers? Is that a... No. Here's the thing.

The thing is, a lot of people have hobbies that, when they first started out like hundreds of years ago or whatever, were also weird. And the key is now when you say it, like, I play Magic the Gathering, don't explain it. If they said, like, I love to play golf, they wouldn't say, they're like, but golf's fun. It's cool. They wouldn't explain it. That's a dumb thing to say, though, because everybody knows what golf is.

Yeah. That would be ridiculous. Imagine that fucking thing you just said with your own mouth here on stage. Like, I play golf. It's, um... Have you ever seen a very small white ball? Yeah. But that's what I'm saying.

If you say, like, I play Magic the Gathering for fun, and they're like, what's that? I'm like, oh, you don't know. And then with that tiny phrase, oh, you don't know, you've just gained dominance in this situation. Oh, yeah. Oh, you don't know. Okay. And then you explain it to them.

Well, I got a starter deck for you to borrow. Let's just throw down right now and see what we've got. And now you got them. And then if they beat you, they're a natural, and you take them on tour, and you milk them for every penny they borrow. Yeah. That's your Bobby Fisher right there. Yeah.

Uh, you could say, oh, well, I play Yu-Gi-Oh, and they're like, what? And you're like, just kidding. I play Magic. And they're like, oh, thank God. I thought we had a nerd on our hands. Oh, shit. Woo! Scared me.

Um, could you travel? And then you play your trap card, and the dragon eats them or something. And you travel around with a starter deck and say, I play Magic the Gathering. And now so do you. And hand them the deck. And say, like, if you really care about getting to know me, you'll learn to play this card game. And anyways, I don't know what you do, but do you want to buy a card or whatever?

I don't know what your job is. Do you have any expensive cards? Any of those fancy ones? Ooh. I have a few. Nothing like in the, you know, $1,000 range or anything like that. Get some of those. Step one.

Step two is you need to get a lot of those until you're very wealthy with card money, I guess. And then you just show, oh, you play Magic the Gathering, oh, that's, uh, that's the nerd shit, right? And you're like, I guess you tell me, and you fan yourself with a bunch of cards. And then your boss is going to be like, I don't know what that means. These are, these are very valuable. And they always will be.

I have a printout of how these are good. Hold on. These are worth $560. Oh, good. That's good for you. Does that help? Uh, yeah. My wife usually just tells people I'm a magician now.

Oh, that's great. It's not wrong. Yeah. Thank you. I love it. Hello. Hello. Hi.

What is your name? My name is Billy. Hi, Billy. Hi, Billy. Hi. How are you? I'm good. Thank you.

You can adjust that mic if you want. Just point it right up at the, yeah. I'm a little late. I had to run a conference call telling people a lot of boring things. So I got to my house, uh, had maybe five minutes to get ready. So as I am peeing, you know how you have an occasionally have an itch on your head? Okay. You're just like that?

Yeah, I'm aware. Yeah. Well, so as I was itching my head, my glasses, midstream fell off. Yeah. And you caught them? Oh, yeah. I caught them with the toilet and you never, yeah, and you never once peed on your glasses. This is the first time I peed on my glasses.

Okay. I don't know about you guys, but the P breaks did not stop. They just kept going. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just kept peeing. You just kept peeing on your glasses. Sorry. What was your name again?

Uh, that, that, my name is Billy. Billy? So Billy, the speed at which you accepted the scenario was zero seconds. Yes. Um, well, I mean, I don't know how far we want to get into this, but not only did I We're pretty far. Yeah. William.

This is a pretty standard. You're very so far. Can I say? Is it? You lay it on me. I just, I didn't understand what that press release meant when it said that pervert doesn't have to be a sexual word until literally, you're welcome. Just now.

Yeah. I see the light. Thank you, Billy. I am curious. We don't kink shame on the show, but we are allowed to kink question to find out more information. This is not mine. Uh, how, how much of a part of you telling a bunch of strangers that you pissed on your

glasses is part of the kink? Is this part of it for you or is this just Billy? I would just throw him in the dishwasher. That would happen. Then the dishes, huh? Yeah. What about the plastic? You could boil them.

How would you? I don't have glasses, but bad news, Billy. We're past that. Yeah. We passed that station about 25 miles ago. We passed that when you looked at your piss covered glasses and said, that's not a reason to stop. How do you stop midstream?

Some piss is the same as all piss, really. It's a fair question. How do you stop midstream? In that you can do it. No, no, no. You're the first to kick me or something. Against the odds. You want me to go step by step, muscularly.

Okay, stop. Against the odds. I want to leap to Billy's defense for a second. Okay. No one ever says, I just pissed on my glasses a little bit. Right? I mean, you pissed on them or you didn't. Are you wearing them right now?

Yeah. Okay, okay. No, listen. No, listen. You knew he was. You knew he was. You rinsed him off. You used some sort of cleaning product on him, right?

Yeah. Okay. And then you felt, okay, and you put him on. Well, I need him. Okay, right. You need him to see. I actually think you're in the clear as long as you don't tell anyone. Oh, no.

No. Does that help? Billy? That helps. It helps. Thank you. Can I ask one last question? Promise?

So I shit on my watch. No, no. This is nothing that. Can I give you guys pens? No. No. Don't get anywhere. Don't get anywhere near us, Billy.

Billy. No. Billy. Billy. Billy. No. Billy, think about this for a second. If anyone for the rest of our life ever tries to hand us anything and we're like,

no thanks. We took pens from the piss class guy. Yeah. They're pretty amazing. Listen, I believe you, and normally we say don't follow our advice, but I'm going to give you one piece of actionable advice next time, lead with the pens. Just put them right there on the edge of the stage, Billy, if that's okay. Thanks, Billy.

There you go. Thank you, Billy. Hello. Hello. What's your name? My name's Heather. Hello, Heather. My question is, well, there's a little bit of lead up here.

My husband loves tourist traps, and I am a vegetarian. So we... How do you make it work? Yeah. It's a real German Greg situation. They're related, strangely. Okay. So we honeymooned in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, where they are.

Yeah, you did. Nice. Nice. Gatlinburg. Okay. And Airsoft guns. Airsoft guns, beef jerky stores. That punch and laser tag.

That was the restaurant. Yeah. Lit down there. So we went into no less than three beef jerky stores, and my husband is incapable of not telling the employees that I'm a vegetarian. Okay. Unprompted. Yeah.

Have we not gotten vegetarian jerky yet? It seems like we would have gotten there. Yeah. It's called kale chips. It's a fellow mushrooms that's not bad. Oh, that's really adorable. We do not sell it at the beef jerky stores in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Okay.

They do sell shirts that say people eating tasty animals. Okay. Pita, I love that. Yeah. That's fucking funny. I get it. Yeah. So inevitably the employees will then like unload on me.

So I've had to stop going into beef jerky stores with him because he goes into this fugue and he can't help himself. Right. He can't help himself. And I've asked him, why did you, nobody asked. Nobody even offered me jerky. He was like, I don't know. When you say unload, do you mean like they give you shit?

Lots of shit. Wow. I don't understand. You don't like my dry animal. What? It's dry animal. But you just un-chewable beef. You don't like my hard, crispy, tooth-breaking beef?

But you, you can eat jerky, right? Except jerky though, right? Jerky is not even like meat. It's old. It's just like beef paper. So how do I get him to stop? Okay. Is your husband here?

He is. Okay. Hey, cut it out. Yeah. Stop it. Fucking stop. You can get your jerky on Amazon. Stop going into these stores.

They yell at your wife. Listen, now if you want the better question that we can have more fun with, cover your ears. Cover your ears. I'm watching you. Cover your ears. Cover them for real. The real question is, how do you get back?

And the answer is you take them to Whole Foods and you're like, this one has tasted the flesh of the cow. And then someone's going to fucking kill them. So you're going to have to find a new path for yourself. Now listen, it's going to get real messy after that. You're going to have to change your name. Probably move. Part of your journey though.

Respect the journey guys. It's part of your journey. And your new identity might eat meat. Yes. And it's going to be a whole thing. As a cover. Yeah. They'll never suspect it.

If you're going to start, don't start with jerky. Holy shit. No. It makes a bad first meat impression. Some meat is wet and that's okay. That's a Griffin McElroy guarantee. Does that help? Extremely.

Excellent. Thank you. Hello. Hello. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good.

Thank you for asking. So some kids moved in next door, which is fine, I guess. It's not. What's your name? Steven, by the way. Steven, hey. So I have like a pretty tall fence and you can't really see through it from my dog. And I can't normally see the kids, which is a good thing, but then they got a trampoline

and now they keep jumping on it and they keep staring at me when they jump. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it looks like Michael Myers is in the George Lopez theme song. Okay. It's a beautiful mental image you've painted for me, Steven. Are you asking us to help you sell your house?

How do I feel peace of mind in my own home? See, I want to take it. Was it Steven? Yes. Okay. I want to take it back to the first thing Steven said, which was some kids moved in next door, which is amazing. This idea that a bunch of blank checks.

We got a camp nowhere situation. We got an all camp nowhere situation in our hands. A bunch of kids and bought a house together. I also really liked when you said that you had a fence you couldn't see through for your dog, which I imagine your dog just is really private. Like this face. It's the Taco Bell dog. We don't want paparazzi.

Could you next time they go out to trampoline, you're already on their trampoline. Wait, wait your turn, idiots. I'm having fun up here. This is how adults do it and you're smoking. I'll never see that coming. And you always put it out on the trampoline. Maybe lower your backyard. So no matter how high they get, they still can't see.

Cavernous, cavernous. It's very good. Raise your fences, build an extension on the trampoline side. Just right in front of the trampoline. He goes up another eight feet. Nothing. Maybe seal their trampoline and burn it. No, come on Travis.

It's not even a joke. Can you somehow, and I'm not a scientist. I'll be putting bones and fish and stuff. But if I was a scientist, I could tell you some way to weaken the springs. Just to affect the height. Not enough to hurt the kids. Not enough to hurt the kids. But just when they jump on it, it just goes lower and then doesn't raise that cup.

That's a net. So you're talking about a huge round hammock. Kids would love that. They'll appreciate it when they're in their 30s and they need the license to chill. That's true. They'll appreciate that giant round hammock that Steven made for them. Steven, I have one very good piece of advice. But it depends on if you have one particular item.

And it may be uncomfortable for you to tell me whether or not you own this item. Is that okay? Yeah. Okay. Do you own a Babadook costume? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

He based open light. Kids hate this guy. Okay. Yeah. I think the problem there is if I jumped and I saw my neighbor, like my neighbor was Babadook, I'd want to like, I got to double check this. Maybe try. They jump over.

They see you in your backyard doing your taxes really frustrated. And they're like, oh, I feel weird. They go down below the fence and they come back up. You're Babadook. They come back down. They come back up. You're doing your taxes again. Oh, yeah.

I like that. Yeah. It's like muscle confusion, but for kids, it's just kid confusion. It's regular kid confusion. Stephen, does that help? Yes, very much. Excellent. Excellent.

Thank you. Bye, Babadook costume. We can lower the house lights now. It's getting a little scary, honestly, to see all those people out there. Thank you so much, Cleveland, for coming to our program. I want to say a huge thank you to Paul and Storm. You can go to their website. I'm assuming at PaulAndStore.com.

That's right. PaulAndStorm.com. That's the first time you've ever said it correctly. I know. Well, they came all the way out. That's fair. We still have some merch out there. I think the pin sets might be gone.

There may be like one left. I have before since that, I can get their grubby mitts on. Yeah. The poster is no joke. One of the most amazing posters. It's super gorgeous. We didn't make it. There's also Paul and Storm merch out there.

Please go buy that. Yes. Thank you again for doing that. That was very special. Also, listen, I know we made a lot of jokes about like people not buying tickets or whatever, but you all coming out. Yeah, it was all good. This is amazing.

You're amazing. You're incredible. You're awesome. You're a great crowd. Thank you so much. And we will obviously, despite my jokes, we'll obviously come back to Cleveland. We'll just do it in a building that is 30% smaller than this building. And then it'll work.

No, but actually the people at this building have been amazing. Yeah. Keep it in St. Peter. Thank you all so much. This place is wild. Yes. You're so sweet. Thank you.

There's one single piece of confetti falling from the seat. Which kills. Considering the ticket sales does seem apropos. This is all you get. This is all you get. Thanks also to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for these sort of theme song. It's at a part shot. The album is in the days to bed.

Yes. Thank you to Amanda. Thank you to our daddy. Thanks to Maximum Fun. Thank you, Sam. Thank you to our families. Our families for hanging around in Great Wolf Lodge. They're in Great Wolf Lodge.

You don't have to thank them. Here's the final yahoo. It's sent in by Immacont. Wow, a hat trick. Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Oh, oh, oh. Shit.

We have to travel very early in the morning to get back to Cincinnati tomorrow. So we won't be able to hang out after the show. Yes. So right now we're going to take a second to say thank you all of you. Oh, no, you're great. Yeah, you're great. I'm signing. And so we won't be able to see you after the show.

Yes. But hopefully you got a signpost. I'm sure those before. And if not, maybe next time. So also there's voter registration outside. Paul is just testing. Go do that. Vote.

Yes. Okay. Final yahoo. This one is sent in by Immacont. Thank you, Emma. It's Emma Cant. Thank you. Are you here?

No, I've just fucked it up. Oh, you know her. Oh, cool. Tell her things. Say hi. How is Emma? Okay. Stop.

Emma Cant. Con. No, it's Can. Can. Emma Cant. It's from yahoo answers user Sean, who asks, Sean asks, can you milk gushers to make fruit juice? My name is Justin McElroy.

I drive as an acrobat. I'm Griffin McElroy. No, my brother, my brother, me kiss your dad's square on the lips. Hi everybody, my name is Justin McElroy. I'm Sydney McElroy. We're both doctors. Nope, just me. Okay, well Sydney's a doctor, and I'm a medical enthusiast, and we create saubones, a marital

tour of misguided medicine. Every week I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history. Now lately we do a lot of modern fake medicine, because everything's a disaster, but it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday. Right here on maximumfund.org as we bring you saubones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. And remember, don't drill a hole in your head.