My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 472: Public Domain LASIK Voicemails

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

We have been smashed to pieces by our recent viewing of Hobbs and Shaw, which may explain the somewhat punch-drunk nature of today’s episode. It’s also possible we’ve been sprayed with some kind of Jason Statham neurotoxin. In either case: Enjoy! Suggested talking points: 5DXXX, Neighbor Lube, Buying Money, Potential Golf Family, Secret Chicken Debut, Chinning, Fun Facts

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everyone and welcome to my- Hobbes and Shaw! Water in your face. Boom, boom, boom! Get in the fucking car!

Come on, Mike, in the car. Get in the car. I'm Hobbes in this scenario. Get in the car. I'm Hobbes in this scenario. I don't have a fun accent. That was my phone. You threw my phone out the fucking window. Get me ma'am's car, fuck. You can smell my sweat. So we saw- Smell what I'm fucking cooking!

This is our audio representation of what it's like to see Hobbes and Shaw in 40x, which we all did together. Now, if you're not familiar with 40x, and I've found as I've recounted this tale, not enough people are. So remember 3D and we all agreed. It's an idiot way to watch a movie because your chair doesn't beat the shit out of you. Not enough D's, no X's whatsoever. In 40x, your chair moves like a 90s theme park experience where you watch a movie where a guy jumps from train car to train car and maybe jumps like a skidoo. And you're like, I'm going to do that too except just sitting here with my fanny pack on.

It's like the days of Thunder Ride at King's Island except with violence. So we saw Hobbes and Shaw with this so when they would drive a car very fast, suddenly we were driving the car very fast with them. And these chairs are really fucking moving, y'all. Griffin had a full beer when this film started. 90 seconds into this movie, he had a half full beer and not drinking to deal with the tension of being in 40x, but rather just sloshing. I felt like I was doing a challenge on Ellen's Game of Games. They have a, when it rains on Misers, Hobbes and Shaw, they pour water on you. Now you are wet too like the Rock is Wet. You and Hobbes and Shaw are all wet together with this drink.

Finally, you could put yourself and Jason say them soaking wet shoes. There was, just before the movie had started, I sat my popcorn down on the ground and then the chairs moved so violently that popcorn was just dead to me because I dared not reach out for fear of being flung into the row in front of me. Hobbes and Shaw could be talking to a guy and then he finds out he's a terrorist and all of a sudden he's riding a motorcycle on him and you just reached out and grabbed your popcorn. Your leg gets caught underneath the seat and is obliterated. No thanks. There was a point where strongman Idris Elba got slow-mode punched in the face and you see some spittle fly out of his mouth in slow-mo and the programmers of this 40x experience said this is a time to bring them in, last action hero style, and so a little bit of moisture sprayed out of the pipe in front of you. Oh, baptized me in your saliva Idris Elba. My favorite.

Oh, I think we were about to talk about the exact same thing. This is the height of the 40x technology. When the rock or Jason gets punched in the film, you get punched in your back. And man, that sounds like a joke. Funny macro joke. No, no, no. You walk away with bruised kidneys. Yeah.

When we get punched. My dad Clint Emel Macaroy. I say the middle name because it matters. He got punched so hard that he had a kidney stone going in that he's had for weeks, doubling him over in pain, baptized in the fire of Hobbes and Shaw 40x. And the spit. And the spit. Of course. Next day.

Fire nice. He's face timing. He did it. He passed the stone. He did it. That's right, folks. Hobbes and Shaw 40x is a medical procedure. It was a prescription movie.

It pulverized stones within my father's body and fixed my daddy. Hobbes and Shaw 40x fixed our daddy. And let me say this. Even if you're seeing this shit in 2D, 1D, what you got to keep in mind, these boys do not like each other. And there's a lot of fun friction that comes out of that. So I feel like it's hard for me to say because we did the 40x. I was beat the shit out of. I did have a motorcycle trip and I did get spitted on.

And so like I obviously had the full experience, but I think that if I didn't have the 40x experience, I would still watch these two boys not like each other. And have a great, have a great old time at the movie theater. People have asked me since I watched Hobbes and Shaw 40x. Okay, but how is Hobbes and Shaw? I have no way of answering that for you. It would be like if when Buzz, a Buzzy Aldrin got back from space and they were like, so how was the Tang? It's like, I have no metric for that. I have no idea.

I was watching it. I was drinking the Tang in fucking space. Like, I have no idea how that's. It seemed good. It seemed fine. I'm not going to drink some now here on earth after I've had it in space. What terrifies me is that the next step is like 5DXXX and that is like you're just there on set and you're actually getting beaten up and set on fire. And like the rock is like licking you or something like that's the.

That's the XXX. That's where that part. That's the XXX. That's the only logical next step. Like, I can't imagine what is beyond this unless you are actually getting, I don't know, like thrown out of a plane with Jason Statham. You are riding on a motorcycle with Idris Elba. Like that's the only way this could be more real. And that terrifies.

It's terrifying to me. I just kept thinking like I need to be braced the whole time or I could die watching Hans and Sean 4DXX. Let me pitch this for what 5DXXX can be. It's 4DXXX but your hand is inside of a box built into the chair. And while your hand is inside the box, you're going to experience the most exquisite pain that you've ever felt in your life. And what's that at your neck? It's the gumdra bar. And so you're watching, you're getting sprayed with spit and blood and piss and shit and cub while you're watching the movie.

Oh, from Hans and Sean? Oh, from Hans and Sean where you're not paying attention. But the whole time also if you remove your hand from the pain box, the gumdra bar enters your throat and you die. 5DXX. You pass it, you get out of the movie. It's like, how was it? And it's like, well, my humanity was tested and I. I'm not an animal.

No? Which is nice. I'm the queen sex cutlery and I'm very excited about the movie because I was spit on by famous actor, Idris Elba. Also, I enjoyed Ryan Reynolds. You guys are making all these references. I've got to rewatch Avatar. I don't remember any of this stuff. You don't remember an Avatar where everyone dies from having the needle in their neck?

I don't. I've got to rewatch it. Gumdra bar. Man, don't sneeze. Don't sneeze while the gumdra bar is at your neck. That's my piece of advice. That's so embarrassing. Wouldn't that be funny if he pulled his hand out and she's like, is this accident?

Can I do it again? Can I start over? Can we do our first of the questions, the many questions we have? I feel like I just want to talk about Hobbes and Charles some more because it's about family. Here's the thing, you guys. It's not really that much. It's tangentially about family. It is shoe hornedly about family.

Yes. And Helen Merritt's up in it. Anyway, done. Helen, thank you. Let me check my notes here. Thank you, Helen, first and foremost for being in the film. When Helen Mirren was on there, I kind of looked around the theater like, you all thought I was seeing some of a bonehead movie.

But look, Helen Mirren is in it. Everybody else in the theater was like, we are also, you know we're here too, right? We're also seeing the movie. But I threw that song next to you. It's Helen Mirren. That's the 5D. Yeah. People trying to judge you, but then Helen appears on the screen and it's like, it's

all right, guys. They're with me. And now we've got Oscar buzz. A lot of Oscar buzz coming. This one for Hobbes and Charles. Best used to 4DX. Hobbes and Charles and Oscar. Okay.

I was expecting a package from Amazon. So I tore into it only to discover it was lube. Which is what I was expecting. And it was a great transaction. Just wanted to brag. Lube all around. I asked my husband if he ordered it and he said no. So I checked the label and it was supposed to be delivered to our next door neighbors.

It's one of those Amazon bags so I can't conceal that I opened it. We've had conversations with these neighbors. We exchange occasional texts and our kids are similar ages so they play together sometimes. None of that helps and some of it hurts. Can't afford to move away. And we'll have to interact with them in the future. So what do I do, brothers? That's from Slippery's situation.

You have two options. Do you want to hear them? Number one is you throw it in the toilet. And just pretend it never happened. Don't worry about it. Oh, you never got that pack. Yeah, let's package these, man. I don't know.

The thing is your neighbor will never save you. I didn't get the package of lube I was expecting. Your second option is go over to your neighbor and say, hey, I got your lube. It was delivered to my house by accident. And it's a little bedroom friend to help things facilitate down there. There's no need to be. It's 2019.

Lube is so fucking tame. And the Golden Girls reboot that comes out next year, the pilot is going to have a whole lube b-plot. Nobody fucking cares anymore about your personal lubricant. Who gives a shit? What about a third option? There's no third option. He was very clear about this.

This is the third option. You're going to buy a Manila envelope. You're going to write on it from Amazon. Love, Jeff. And then you're going to seal it up with maybe a note inside that's like, enjoy the handmade by Jeff Bezos. This is a signed headshot that says, this is some of my favorite stuff.

What if that was included in every Amazon package for a week? This is some of my favorite stuff. Some of my favorite things, Jeff's favorite things. Yeah. I love the idea that we're always a sex positive show. It feels invasive because you did commit the federal crime of opening the lube. That's the problem where you could go to jail. I would just chuck it up on the porch.

I would just get that bag and zing it right by on a bicycle with a bag full of lube. Lube boys here. Got a delivery for you, governor. Anybody in this house needs some lube? Your lube is all right. Happy to applied, governor. No intimate dryness here. Just yell at your neighbors and come in like, hey, I got your lube.

Do you want me to bring it now or I could probably wait till night, right? You probably don't need it till night time. Do you want me to bring it now or later at night when you need it? Here's what you need in this situation. It's whatever. It's my favorite. My favorite phrase is a nice plausible deniability. You're going to say this got delivered to me and as you handed to them say,

are you also worried about getting your head stuck in a banister on the stairs? Then you sleep with that. Everyone knows what everyone knows, but nobody said what everyone's thinking. Are you also looking for unconventional ways to make your door hinges go a little bit better? I've got you. Yes. Make sure you don't accidentally get any of this on your genitals. Really trying to up your slip and slide game?

I understand. Workplace pranks? I opened your Amazon package by mistake. I'm so embarrassed, but wow, I got you. What is this stuff? What do you even do with it? This is four. I thought it was K-Rose syrup, but it made my waffles taste pretty freaking yucky.

Didn't care for it. But I did learn I could make love to a waffle and it was a beautiful experience. It was a wonderful time. Those nooks and crannies begging to be explored. Hey, how about a Yahoo? I'd love that Griffin. This one was sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt.

It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to call. Coca-Cola asks, If someone was the most wealthiest person in the world, could they buy the money factory where they make the money and the Federal Reserve too? You know what's great about this is completely by coincidence. Yesterday, my almost three-year-old daughter, soon to be three-year-old daughter, told me she wanted to buy some money. Yeah.

And so this Yahoo Answers asker is basically on the same level as my toddler. I think that's what stonks are. I think that's what you're supposed to do with those. With stonks? You just buy money and you hope that they get there more expensive later. But this is one step above what your toddler daughter has suggested, Travis. I want to seize the means of production of the money to get it and have whenever I need it or maybe stop making it.

Maybe stop making it. Ooh. So yours becomes a collector's item. It's just everybody's always talking about how can we get more money, more money. How can we get more money? Country needs more money. We need more money. We keep spending our money on dumb, dumb shit.

We need more money. And I'm like, what if there's just no more money and all the money that's out there is all the money that there is. Good luck, everybody. Better not tear any up or let it go through the washer or use it as toilet paper in the forest. Stop throwing away pennies. Don't throw away pennies because that's it.

You don't get any more pennies, guys. You know, here's what I always say about more money, Griffin. Are you ready for this? More money, more issues. You run into more of them. There's more issues with that. So less money. I think whenever someone hands me a filthy penny, I throw it on the ground.

Yes. Because I'm an old man. I don't have time for that. I don't have time to deal with these pennies. Now, if I knew that was all the pennies I was going to get, maybe I'd be a little bit more precious about them. Maybe I wouldn't want to sneak them into my pocket and hold them for safekeeping. Now, Justin, I would argue that old men are most likely to keep pennies because old men,

let me check. Yeah, that's your number one demographic for metal detectors, a device designed to find pennies buried underground. When I was a child, I had a friend named Mark and I was over at Mark's house with little kids and his, I have a crystal clear memory of this. I was probably like 10 and his Poppy came in. He was a, he was a wily old fuck. He came in and he had three single dollar bills and he said, you know where I got these

Markey? And Mark said, no, Poppy, I don't. And Poppy said, all them pennies you've been throwing on the ground. And saving them up. And I got all these. Now I turned these into three dollars and Markey wanted the dollars because he thought they were his. But Poppy insisted that he'd been the one picking up Markey's pennies all over the ground that

he should get to keep the three dollars. I don't know how it was settled. I'm assuming they're still in arbitration about it. Do you think he got up to one dollar and he was like, I'm going to rub this in Markey's face. But wait, I can do more. I can go harder. That's a long grip.

A pack of socks is three dollars. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait. So the most, well, I just had assumed that something like this had already happened. And we don't know about it, but that's somebody who bought the money factory where they make the money and the Federal Reserve. Yes. And then that was just sort of how we ended up where we're at now.

From now on, I'm calling it the Federal Reserve. And for you to get that, you have to know that this rich person's name is Fred. This Fred Willard bought it. Man, Fred Willard would have some fun if he had the money factory. He would have some fun. Shit. I think we should all rotate it and all get one day where we're in charge of the money factory.

Oh, I love that. And you can decide what it looks like, what it tastes like, where it goes, because it's got a startup. Like, okay, here's me, owning the money factory. Print, print, print, print, print. It looks so cool. It's got, you know, like, Carlary Jepsen and, like, you know, some characters from Final Fantasy on it.

It looks so cool. And I print it off and I have the big box of my new money. And then what? Like, how do you decide, like, are you like, well, I guess this is going to go to Target? I guess this money is going to start at Target and we'll see how it, like, circulates out. You know what I mean? Like, who decides where it goes? I think you're describing Bitcoin, Griffin.

I'm pretty sure I'm not describing Bitcoin. Okay, I don't know anything about Bitcoin. Yeah, this is explicitly my special day at the money factory. You know what I would do? Where does it go? You know what I would do at the money factory? What would you do? So I'd design the bills, whatever they are, but one in every thousand would be a foil,

a hollow foil. Oh, fuck. Like, that's worth a chase dollar. Y'all, money colon the TCG. How fucking tight would that be? Oh, my God. Money the TCG. So, like, coins could be like mana.

And it's like, I'm playing, I'm playing a 10. I'm dropping a Hamilton on the board. And then I'm going to drop three nickels so he can do his super move, which is... Oh, where he teams with Jefferson. That Hamilton, Jefferson team up. If you team them up, then you get... Blue eyes, white wig. Oh, yes.

I was trying to remember what Jefferson. Jefferson's on that dang nickel, isn't he? Yep. No way of knowing. That's 10.05. Man, what's Jefferson up to on the money? It's been so long since I've seen a nickel. I work at a golf course, and a man who comes in on Monday nights for leagues has the same

last name as I do. It's not really a common name, so I worry he might be a relative that I've been ignoring vice versa. Should I say something? That's from Maddie. And I won't put Maddie's last name when I checked, and it is unconventional. That is, it is not an exaggeration that it is unconventional. Give me a different...

Give me an equivalent last name. Like if the name was like Fluffle Ruger. Wow, really? Something like that, yes. You, here is the problem. This is a public service announcement about overthinking shit. Now, we all know that you should try to filter... Hi, I'm Justin McRae.

We all know that you should try to filter your first impulse because it is usually your brain trying to destroy you. This is known. But if you mull it over for about five seconds, and then you think it's an okay thing to say, just go for it. Because the time to tell someone you have the same last name as them is not the 14th time you meet them, that's wild. That is now a wild action to take, I believe.

Yes, because on the 14th time, you're going to say like, hey, did you know we have the last name? And they're going to say like, yeah, I'm your brother. Like we live in the same house. Yeah, yeah, I'm you from the past. Duh. This is Jim and I, man, now. Day one, by the way.

Yeah, you gotta just, I think... Dang, though. Juice, you can say that. I don't think any of us on the call would do that. I've met a few Macaroys in my lifetime, and I've never really buzzed one up to find out if we're blood. If you've met them, you haven't mentioned that your last name is also Mac... If you meet a Macaroys in your life, you're not going to be like, hey, that's my last name too, wild. Okay, it's possible this person did not meet them, right?

They go into a golf course, and there's a man who comes in on Monday nights for leagues. There could be lots of people coming in for this thing, right? It's not like they are playing golf together explicitly. Someone's gotta hand out the tiny pencils, Griffin. What are you saying? They work at the golf course. They're like, there's probably some kind of like, they're selling them the balls and silly pants. Okay, you're right. They do sell silly pants.

Gosh, you have golfed. That's the thoughts of a golfer there. I've golfed. There was a time when I was a young man, and I got really bored, and I went on Facebook, and I searched Travis McRoy, and I friended every Travis McRoy on Facebook. Interesting. How'd that work out? Some of them friended me back, and it turns out I'm still the dominant one.

Wow. Feeling pretty good so far. Hey, thank you. I did have to kill some of them and absorb their power, so I got stronger and stronger. Oh, keep that under your hat though. Don't tell anybody about all the Travis McRoy murders. That was me. Sorry, I just did the exact thing that you said I should do.

I'm doing it now. Oh, no. Yeah. I got a good spread. Some of them look chill as hell. Yeah. Some of them don't look as chill. Every so often, there'll be a Travis McRoy who still, I get a pop up in my timeline about him like blazing a J or something

and having a really cool night with his bros, and I think, cool. Nice. A quick tour of Justin McRoy's. I'm not going to put anybody's locale on blast, but I will tell you some facts and figures about them. This first Justin McRoy result is the boss at, I don't give a fuck to anybody.com. Nice. What a cool person. That is a fucking chill Justin.

I don't give a fuck to anybody.com. Let's see if it's available. Juice, I think it's available. No, I'm not going to get that one. I'll leave that, those bitter dregs. That's for Justin McRoy, but not this Justin McRoy. Any good griffins? I'm not going to put any of my doppelgangers.

I'm not going to promote them. They don't deserve what would happen after that, I feel like. A doppelnamer, really. It's not really a doppelganger. They don't look like you. It's just a doppelnamer. I could do a yahoo. Yeah, or another question?

Yeah, another question would be better. Let's do it. I work in a very small. Go introduce yourself. Who cares? Just do it. People are doing this number neighbor shit. That's no good, folks.

You've got to know not to do that. It's where you text one number higher than your phone number and you're like, what's up, number neighbor? And if I got that, I would just assume there's somebody outside of my house ready to murder me. I would just assume that that is. Don't do that shit, folks. You know, I'm saying in in person, like, I just want to meet you and see

everything in common. You have a hell of an icebreaker. Yeah. Like I actually, I found out when I got my my cellular device when I was a younger man that my number neighbor, my number was one digit off from our daddy's ex boss, who was a real piece of shit. So I would get calls like for him all the time. And I would just say like, oh, he moved.

He's not here anymore. Oh, he farted to death. He farted himself way to death. He farted so hard he flew out in the middle of the ocean and drown. Yeah. He farted on an airplane and exploded. Yeah. I have at least one of dad's old bosses listen to this fucking show.

So they can be like, wait, it might be some shit. It might be some shit. Listen, you know which you know, which one you are and half my shorts. You did. You did my you did my daddy bad. Did him wrong. I work in a very small office. There's five of us and we all have lunch together.

So we've become pretty close over time. Sometimes when we're joking around, I'll do impressions slash impersonations. And they aren't very good. Very mediocre impressions of Muppets, Jack Sparrow and other characters. I really just do them for a gag. And that's it. Folks, quick sidebar. You can't.

You can't just do that. You can't just say it was for a gag. And that's it. You can't do that. Nobody debases themselves to the point of doing a Jack Sparrow impersonation unless there is they have some serious skin in the game. Yes, you desperately needed to do that. Always all the always all the rub and go.

I just made myself an idiot on the internet for that. And I did it for money for this job that we do here. It also sounded a lot like you're Jason Statham. Hey, speak Jack Sparrow getting your fucking car, man. Dead on the window. I really do them for a gag. And that's it. The thing is, my boss thinks they're really funny.

And he wants me to do the company voicemail using my impressions. Yes. You fucked up. I absolutely detest this idea. No shit. Our office is very small and I meet almost every client. And I don't want to be introduced as the guy that does the shitty impressions of family guy characters. How do I tell my boss?

I'm not doing the voicemail cringing in clutch city. I wish that I could put this question in a blender with some gelato and drink the result because it is delicious. I have some bad news for you, question asker. Your boss hates your impressions and is calling your bluff. In the most delectable way. Oh, hey, good impressions, Chris. Hey, I've got an idea. How about we just go ahead and lock those in amber for everyone to see forever?

You need to be honest with yourself right now. And you need to think about do you spend literally all day around this very small office like, mmm, giggity. And then your boss is like, oh, I got a way to put that behavior right in the toyty. Yeah, why don't you get up on the stage, do a quick 10. What do you say? Giggity. Giggity baby, do it. It's so good.

Represent us now publicly as him. Hey, listen, though, side, listen, alternate. I know you don't want to be introduced as the person who does these impressions, but that's a good way to get business. If you're working on commissions and you're that mediocre Jack Sparrow from the voicemail, you've already got a foot in the door. Yeah, you've also made yourself indispensable to the company because as these impressions become outdated, if they can you, and they have like, It's me, Archie Bunker, like, fuck off. Like, that's just not the year anymore. We've got to get a new year.

Well, they'll never stop making Pirates of the Caribbean movies. So, I mean, yeah, that's probably good forever. It's just, I just, I want everybody to go on this journey with me. Maybe we can just sort of sit here in silence for five minutes and like, the three of us can just chill on it while everybody else entertains themselves for five minutes while they imagine what this fucking voicemail would sound like. You can envision any business, any business, fucking Lasik, a Lasik surgery center, and imagine what these muppets rolling all over it and Jack and some of the family guy folks coming in and like, Hey, they're gonna blast your eyes with kind of moping with lasers. Oh, yes, right. Where'd all my bad vision go? Right off the side of my pirate boat.

Uh, Lois, uh, better go get your eyes cut open with lasers. Uh, I'm the dog one, I wish I could get Lasik, but I can't. One day we'll find it, the Lasik connection. Ha, ha, ha. Uh, mother, I'm going to shoot you with my lasers. That's pretty good. Wait, hold on, stop. You're getting there, bud.

Perfect, that's stewie rules. Oh, it's me Orlando Bloom from the Pirates movies. That's Hobbes again. Now you're shot, you're shot. Let me try again. Hey, do you smell what's cooking? Your eye meat from the lasers, but it's gonna smell good, but then you're gonna look good through them.

It's me the rock. Okay. I got a pretty good, uh, Paul Stanley. All right. Toronto! Okay. Are you ready for some Lasik? I have, Eric, we never do this.

I am going to... A bounty, a bounty has been placed on this. With nay demand, friend, you know we've got to hear them. Yes. Go ahead and record a voicemail for... It doesn't have to be your company. Lasik. The company like your company.

Lasik. You know what I mean? Lasik adjacent company. And I'm going to need to hear all of them in a, in a glossy wave file and delivered to our mailbox that we can all enjoy with the listening public. We will, we will continue to hide your identity, but I am going to need to hear these impressions on this. And just, I'm just going to go ahead and widen that scope a little bit

to say anybody on Twitter who wants to tweet at MBMBAM with like a clip or a video or anything doing your best impression of a voicemail for Lasik. And then if you work at a Lasik company and you want to just go ahead and use those, we're going to say they're public domain. And anyway, if you post it, if you post it, these are public domain. These are free.

These are public domain Lasik voicemails. Lasik specific voicemails. Do the same voice, hold on, stop, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. Well, if you start showing up on Spotify and it becomes like the hot new like celebrity impersonation Lasik voicemails, what if that's like, you know, how there was like a big electronica boom back in the aughts, like this could be the fucking genre. And then like, you know, Jamie Foxx is chopping them up for samples

for his new thing or whatever. Do you think the crazy frog inventor got like bank and you think that they made this same mistake and just like put it up for free and then other people got to like steal crazy far. Okay. If it goes, if it goes viral, they're ours. That's ours again. Yeah, it's ours again. So there will be an uncanny valley where they're free.

And then there'll be ours again. I think that's how that's a legal statute right there. So they'll be yours until someone notices them and uses them, which like they're free. But if more than let's say a thousand people notice them, they're ours now. Perfect. That's perfect. Perfect. Thank you. That's rule.

Hashtag Lasik challenge. That's the worst challenge. Let's take a quick break and head on over to the Money Zone. Our first sponsor this week is a company that lets you take all of your great impressions into one domain at a website that you hand built to show off these great, great impressions. A beautiful website from Squarespace can really help them pop. You can have a big picture of Jack Sparrow with a high resolution. You can blog or publish about how you perfected your impersonations.

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And you want to start right now. Head on over to Squarespace.com slash My Brother. You get a free trial when you're ready to launch. Use the offer code My Brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Squarespace. Oh, Michael Caine. Okay. Oh, wait.

No, I'm reading the copy right here. And it does say, after you read this copy, say, as Michael Caine. Squarespace. I'm Michael Caine. Yeah, it's just, it's the rules that they put in there. You have to say it. Hello, it's me, Michael Caine. Do you need to mail it off?

Whatever it is. Do you need to mail off a point? Do you need to mail off some footy? I'll tell you what, Master Bruce. You're going to need to go to stance.com and click on links until you find the one that gets you signed up with stance.com. And they're going to ask you all sorts of questions. Name. Address, probably.

Hype. When you go there, they're going to allow you to print off all the amazing services at US Post Office. Oh, nope. Graves has to come Christian Bale. Right, it's your fucking computer. You never go working this town again, Chefs.com. Oh, no. Use your computer to print.

Oh, we're back. Postage. 247. Any letter, any package, any class mail. Oh, no. He's going state them. He's going full state them. Once your mail is ready, you just drop it in Mail Carrier and drop it in the mailbox.

He's melting. Oh, no. He stayed them with the mums. Most of all, over 700 small businesses already use stance.com. So right now, our listeners can get a special offer, including for a week trial, first three places, and a DJ It's Your Scale without any long-term co-meetment. So go stop. Wait, what was that?

Click on the microphone to top the homepage. It's my brother. It's my brother. Hey Travis, what were you going to buy with the money that Stamps.com was going to give us? I was going to pay off this important surgery that Papaw needed, but now I got it. Papaw will just hope he finds a lot more change on the floor that Marky dropped because... We've never gotten in trouble doing an ad before, but this is the one they wanted us

for. We finally pushed this thing. They pushed the envelope, if you will. It is Stamps.com. Oh, don't you don't have it. What have they got fucking to do? Okay. They're in the post office.

They can do whatever they want. Hello. I'm Lou Johnson-Vigari, and I play a bunch of characters on Mission to Zix and improvise science fiction podcasts on Maximum Fun, and this is our incredible sound designer Shane. Hello. Now Shane makes it possible for me to play a thousand billion characters in our galaxy, such as the Bajarian Shane, Ship of the Stars, and the Info-Sensual Way, prepared to make pancakes.

And wait! Let's get tested out, baby! An emissary turkmatican. Hey, I just got out of the ramp. And the horrible life! Ow! Oh, also there are five other cast members, and we'll give them just all a second to say hi.

Uh, hello. Yeah, that's enough. Okay, so the season finale of Mission to Zix is coming out next week, so it's the perfect time to dive in and catch up with our intrepid crew as they explore the Zix Quadrant. So give us a listen to Mission to Zix on Maximum Fun. Um, do y'all want a yahoo? Yeah, I really do. Okay, this one was sent in by several people.

Oh, my God. Well, fuck off, Griffin. You got me. You let me go so fucking far that time. What? I want a munch. Toronto! I want to munch.

Toronto! You want a munch, Toronto? I want a munch, Toronto. I have, uh, uh, this is the Munch Squad. It's a podcast with a podcast highlighting the latest and greatest in quick service restaurant situation. Uh, I have a- So you're never going to stop doing it, right?

It's on its way out. Uh, it's, this is, it's kind of a farewell tour. You say that, but this is, you're like, like Billy Joel, who just keeps saying he's retiring. He's giving away two million nuggets, guys. Two million nuggets to celebrate the spicy return. Can I tell you something real quick? I thought you said Vin Diesel is giving away, no. Vin Diesel is giving away two million of his own personal nuggets.

From August 12th to August 19th. So this is useful. All you have to do is use the DoorDash mobile app, add the six piece spicy chicken nugget order to your cart, and use the code spicy nugs at checkout. Okay. All right. Um, the, just, this is a Munch Squad Junior, really more of a public service announcement that you can do this, this week.

Uh, Carl Laredo, which is fucking good. God, yes. He says we knew we needed to reward fans who helped make this possible in a big way. So I took a break from being a space pirate to come down and help you all out. We got, we got two million likes. Let's give away two million nuggets. That's how it's done at Wendy's. Fuck.

We could have done three million likes. Yeah. Way more. Okay. But that is a Munch Squad Junior public service announcement. The one I really wanted to highlight. I really wish that that sentence you started out with had ended to one very lucky boy. This is the one I wanted to highlight.

And this is one of those like, a lot of times we're kind of goofing on people, but this is very good. Popeyes is launching a new chicken sandwich that you can't get at Popeyes. Wait. Oh, good. Wait. Okay. So here's the story on this.

All right. In 2017, there was this restaurant called Sweet Dixie Kitchen, which is a trendy brunch spot in Long Beach, California. And owner of that Kim Sanchez was spotted walking through the front door with Popeyes bags. Oh, right. Right. Right.

And it went viral overnight. People freaked out. And the backlash on social media sparked what was aptly named Popeyes gate, hashtag Popeyes gate. So that doesn't mean anything anymore. The gate thing doesn't mean. No, it's done. Anything anymore.

So what does Popeyes do? Popeyes creates its biggest product launch in 30 years, the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich. And it is launching it at Sweet Dixie Kitchen. Yeah. Out of the town. Tonight. They're giving it to them first. You can try it there first.

That's the best thing I've ever heard. Here is the quote from Kim Sanchez owner of Sweet Dixie Kitchen. Be my favorite quote we've ever done on Munch Squad. To be honest, I thought they were calling to sue me. We have a long history with Popeyes, but we've always said Popeyes Chicken is the best fried chicken we ever had. So we are thrilled to collaborate with them, yeah, and serve their delicious Popeyes Chicken Sandwich quote.

And here's like Bruno, oh, another good one, Bruno Cardinale. He's the head of marketing for North America for the Popeyes brand. Wait, is that the guy from West Wing? Yes. Yes. That is very close to his name. And I assume this quote was delivered as he held a wrestling belt that he had fashioned for himself aloft.

We feel honored that the team at Sweet Dixie Kitchen likes our chicken so much. To acknowledge their admiration, we are granting them special access to pre-launch our new chicken sandwich for a few days before we launch it nationally. If you want to try it, be sure to pay my visit on August 8th to 9th. We promise our new sandwich is worth a visit. So good, Popeyes, it's so good. It's by the way, delicious buttermilk battered, hand breaded white meat chicken filet served on a buttery toasted brioche bun with two barrel cured pickles and then some mayonnaise.

This kind of, why can't all corporations show this kind of clemency to those who have wronged them? The world will be a much better place. What if Abba decided to not be mad at us for using their song without permission for several years and instead decided to debut their new single right here on My Brother Made? Take another chance on me. Take a second chance. Give it another pass on me.

Oh God. Okay, Abba Yahoo. This one was sent in by several people, thank you. It's actually Yahoo Answers user Tenazha who asks, I found a picture of my husband's neck in his phone. It wasn't anything on it, but that's so bizarre. Can somebody help me? Oh no.

Oh, you fucking hate to hear that. That's rough. You know exactly what circles he's traveling in. I hope there's no kids involved. Trying to make himself a tribute to a vampire master. That is rough. And that's the worst. Vampire seduction is such a problem in a committed relationship.

You know, things can be going so good, but then Dracula sleeps from the shadows and tears your marriage a fucking part. And I tell you who it's worse for, who no one talks about as the victim here is the vampire lord. I have a bunch of vampire lord friends and they are always getting texts just like, are you thirsty? Cause I am. And it's like, oh.

Oh. Like not. Yeah, it makes you feel so weird. I'm with my kids at Camden Park. Yeah. They're never open at night. And I'm so excited just this one time. You think about it too, like Dracula is not a mosquito or he just like dips his fangs

in there. Like he's kissing that neck. He's licking the neck. Like he's got his mouth in there and he's obviously joining in with all his vital fluids. But like there's, guess what? They're doing more stuff in there, in the mouth. You know what I mean? Thank you.

Yes. And it would be like if you were sitting there, assuming you're a meteor and you get like a text from a cow that's like, chop me up, daddy. Yeah. Oh, there's something about like, I was fine with it till you brought it up. Like now you've introduced the idea. Oh. No.

That's tough. I'll tell you the other thing that it could be. Have you all heard of, have you all heard of giraffe in it? Oh no. This is a really nasty thing that everybody on the internet's talking about now. And I didn't want you to be left behind when your online contemporaries talked about giraffe in it. Thank you.

Let's do a yes, yes, no right here. Okay. Yeah. Giraffe in it. Y'all know because I know clearly. No. It's yes. I guess I'll explain it.

Yeah. It's like this really, really sexual, I assume, filthy, filthy thing where you and however many partners try to eat fruit out of trees, right out of them. And there's, I don't know where the insertion. Yeah. What's the sexual part of this, Griffin? I don't know where the insertion happens. Maybe like after you eat all the fruit out of the trees, you lay down on each other.

Oh. Back and forth. Back and forth on each other and you enjoy the fruity taste that you got on your mouth. Oh, I think, actually, I think I have heard of this where there is a risk where if there's two, like if a second partner, potential partner, like enters the area, you have to like slap your necks together to establish dominance. Is that the same thing? Yep.

Oh. A lot of injuries from that I've heard. Man now, see, I'm kind of, I don't want to get gross or blue, but I'm starting to get it. Oh, wait. That's the part that got you, Griffin, the slap and the necks together? Yeah. I mean, eating a big pear out of a pear tree, just stretching up there and then you, you

know, some contact. Hello. Hello, nurse. Draft nurse. Well, the slap, Griffin, the slapping, the necks, I don't think it's supposed to be the sexual part. Well, you don't get to tell me that, do you? Oh, okay.

That's a good point. Don't try to yuck his yum. Wait. Now, Justin, are you supporting the slapping of necks together? Support everything. You know me. I'm a fucking hedonist. Okay.

Well, now I've come back around and now I don't want to, I don't want to be the one left out of the boat, as they say. Oh, no. You know the other option. He's trying to take a picture of his chin and the thumbs. And he's an idiot. And he's bad at it. Yeah.

Because you know, you know what the chin, you know what the chin, you know what the chin community is all about online. Oh, linoing. I've heard about that. Linoing. That's why you take your chin divot and you scissor with somebody else's chin divot and you talk about old cars. You got to wear denim.

Everybody wears denim. Chin'em, please, Justin. Chin'em. Chin'em. They renamed it chin'em. They renamed it what? Because you put little. Jason Lino.

You put little pants on there. Sure. Put little pants to cover up your chin butt, you know, when you have that cleft in there like a chin butt. Do you think. You slowly pull down the chin jeans just to show a little of the chin butt. Do you think. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I do. I wanna say yes. I think J. Lino ever takes a thing like his index finger from both hands and places it on either side of his butt chin and spreads it out and there's like a little hole in there. Yeah. I do, Griffin. That you could use for stuff.

Sorry, Storzo is Eminem Minis. That is. Six, let's go. That is the single worst mental image I have ever, ever conjured for myself or anyone. Whatever if, I feel like iTunes is gonna have to put this episode in the section of the iTunes store that is like behind the curtain. Dark iTunes. The deep iTunes.

Yeah. And you have to like show ID to the employee there to like go, go there. Yikes. I think he's going in J-Tunes. The sequel. The deeper level of iTunes that only really dirty birds can get to. Listen, listen, he's probably just checking for ticks. Yeah.

Yeah. It's probably just a tick check. Can't get back there, wanna be safe, loved fishing, had a great time with all your friends and Antedracula and you wanted to just make sure there's no ticks back there. Damn. Maybe he's just curious to see like what the back of his neck looks like and he's never seen a mirror before. Maybe.

Possible. What is the cell phone but the mirror of the 20th century? A black mirror. Thank you. A black mirror if you will. Wait, is that what it is? There you got it. Oh.

You know, I'm thinking my phone does make some fucked up shit to society. My phone changed the timeline and made it so that everyone had forgotten about that one time when that giant bug landed on earth and those agents from the men in black had to stop it. My phone did that. Fucking crazy, dude. Yeah, I know. That's so wild, dude.

I have a question. I'm both fucked up. Pig. I don't. I don't think you should do this. Wait, hold on. You gotta drill down on this. Because of your phone, Griffin?

Yeah, man. Okay. I was playing angry birds. The birds are too angry. I'm moving on. I don't think we should address this one, but it is wild that this is in the same episode. I ordered a shirt from my boyfriend, but I incorrectly typed our address and had it sent to the apartment next door.

Immediately noticing my mistake, I spoke with the resident of that address in person and explained the situation. He seemed as interested but said he would keep an eye out. I tracked the order number constantly and the shirt was delivered seven days ago. The same day I asked my neighbor if he'd seen the package and he said he did not receive you anything. Yesterday morning when I left for work, I saw the neighboring question wearing the exact same shirt I was expecting.

That's a wrinkle. I want to mainly mention this as a wrinkle to the first question because there's a possibility now I'm circling back around. There's a possibility that the neighbor fucking knows you have the loop. I asked my neighbor about it on the very same day I saw him using the loop that I had ordered. He said, I heard my neighbor loudly announcing this fence will never squeak again. I knew that he had used my butt loom for his fence and it made me so angry. To fuck it.

Since high school, this is a different question, since high school, whenever I've had to do one of those introduce yourself games, my go-to fun fact has always been that I can lick my own elbow. Inevitably, people ask for a demonstration, so it's pretty much the same interaction every time, of course, and I don't have to panic about what to say. Now that I'm about to start law school, though, I'm worried that elbow licking isn't the most professional way to introduce myself to my classmates and professors. Good instincts.

But I have no idea what kind of fun factor I'll place it with. What are some examples of appropriate fun facts for adults? That's from JuvenileJD. This time, say, because here's the thing, one of the things as you get older is you learn that it's not all about you. So now, let your introduction be, I can lick your elbow. Oh, that's good. I must lick your elbow.

I shall lick your elbow. Look to your left. Look to your right. Before this law class ends, I will have licked one of your elbows. And when I said left and right, I meant look at your left elbow and your right elbow. I'm going to lick one of them, maybe both. It's good luck for both of us. I just, I am thinking back to all the times that I had to do this and the immediacy with

which I was paralyzed. When somebody at, you know, church camp or whatever would be like, all right, just say your name and say a fun fact about yourself. I would instantly, like that phrase is like a magic spell that just obliterates all self-awareness in my, like my ego is destroyed in that moment. And I know nothing about myself. Yes. I remember one time at, one time I think in like college or something, I was doing this

and they're like, say something fun. Well, it's a fun fact about yourself. And I said, I had like a half hour to think about it and it got around to me. And the only thing I could gin up was like, I'm partially blind in my left eye. And everybody was like, fun. Yeah, fun bud. I like that. Oh, fun.

That's cool. He was just talking about how he met Cheryl Crow last summer, but your thing's fun. What would be your fun fact? Oh God. I'm going to put you on glass right now. I knew you're going to. I'm not joking. Like I literally don't know.

I'm asking you, Travis, go. The one that I always used and will always use is that my older brother and I have the same birthday, but three years apart. Not interesting. Okay. Griffin. I own, I own Apple Watch. You own the company Apple Watch or you own an Apple Watch.

I have an Apple Watch. That's it. Well, you see that. Yeah. We can see that's not a fun fact. That is an observable detail. I have computer. That's not a fun fact.

Keep going. I'm wearing. Red shirt. Now, are you just looking at yourself in this moment? Ten fingers, ten toes. Okay. Justin. You did your best.

Yeah. What's a fun fact about yourself? Jimmy Buffett calls me sometimes. Damn. That's really good. A good fun fact. Sometimes Jimmy Buffett calls me on my phone when I most need him, at least expected. I felt last time it was, last time it was, this is not a joke.

Last time it was because he had inserted the macro brothers into Margaritaville when he was performing at River Bend in Cincinnati, and he was calling to demand money for us. That was the last call I received from Jimmy Buffett. And little did we know that's how Jimmy Buffett makes most of his money. That's how Jimmy Buffett invests his money. He plugs people and then demands money for it. And I know what you're thinking. That doesn't seem like a good business model, but he owns most of the Margaritaville's.

So, so you tell me business experts. I know all the words to fast car. That's not even true though. It's a lie. It's not true. Jesus. Is irritable bowel syndrome fun? Depends on how you describe it.

It's more fun than partial blindness. Yeah. I think. If you describe it like you're living on the edge at all times and you know you're a rebel and you never know where you're going to go and you know everything is like a life or death scenario for you. What if I say partial blindness and IBS, I'm broken at both ends. Well, if the two ends of your body that you consider are eyeball and anus, then I think

you're good. Cool. There it is. Done. Broken at both ends. Next. Perfect. Next up.

I want a fun fucking fact from Travis because I just had to wring that one out of my bones. The other problem is that we have been recording the show for the almost a decade now and we've pretty much given you people everything fun about us. Yeah. We've given you everything. You know all the fun things about us and some not so fun things. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

A fun thing about me, Travis McRoy, I can whistle with my mouth open. Like wide open? Yeah. That's me whistling down the middle of my tongue. And your mouth is just open? Yeah. We have no way of confirming that. It's true though.

Ask anybody. I'll do it. While you're whistling, I need you to like talk in a way that makes it. I can't do that. That doesn't work that way. I can also whistle and hum at the same time. Whistle and whistling. Well, we can all do that.

Whistle with your mouth open, but try and say words. I still need the air to whistle, Griffin. Whistle with your mouth open and say happy birthday, daddy. No, I can't do that. I only have the one mouth. It sounds to me like he's full of bullshit. You're full of bullshit. Is that your fun fact?

Sounds like it's not a bullshit. Your mouth is closed to me. That a bolt filled you up with shit? Oh, now the mouth is open. Yapping shit at me and Justin. Hey, Griffin. Hey guys, real quick, Cole. Whistling hum versus Joshua Tree.

Better album. This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the... Take it, Justin Goh. You're not allowed to do this. How dare you? That's Justin's fun fact as he ends the show. I say when? I say when we're done.

Hobbes? We're done. Thanks. I say when we're done. No, that's Shaw. The phone at the fucking window. No, it's impossible to do a rock impression. I am the rock.

Thank you. That's very... Okay, I take it back. Thank you so much for listening to our show, My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show. We haven't recorded one altogether for a grip, so we're so happy to have you here, as always. If you want to keep up with everything that our family does, you can go to McElroy.family. If you do that this moment, this exact second, you'll be able to click on the Merch button

and see a boatload of new merchandise for this month. Most notably, an Adventure Zone fanny pack and a My Brother, My Brother, Me backpack. They are so cool. So cool. There's a new Sawbunz pin. There's our Bean Juice 2.0 mug. It's available there. It's a new rebranding of Bean Juice.

And there's a lot more, so go check that stuff out. Also, while you're a McElroy.family, click on the Tours page and see where we're going to be. Listen, as far as live shows go, the second half of the year is mostly sold out, but we still have some stuff that we added in there that you can get tickets for, so go check that out. You can go to maximumfun.org and check out all the other Maximum Fun shows. They're all great. You can also check out all the other McElroy projects at McElroy.family, and we think you're great. Dad and I are going to be at DragonCon.

We should be announcing the programming for that soon, so pay attention for that. And of course, we'll be there at the same time. We're doing our Atlanta live shows. So if you're going to be at DragonCon and you don't have anything to do on the evenings of Friday and Saturday, why not get yourself some tickets to see my brother, my brother and me and the Adventure Zone? Okay, but we'll be doing it. Yeah, no, I wasn't talking to you, Griffin. Do you all want to final Yahoo?

Thanks to John Rodger and the Long Winters Fees for the instance department. Yes. This one is sent out also by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. Crushed It. From Yahoo Answers User, they're anonymous. I'm going to call them Root Beer Boy asks, Who else is listening to Sad Song all night?

It is a track from Sonic the Hedgehog, but it's a very sad song. I give it four stars. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. In case your dad, square on the lips. MaximumFun.org

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