My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 473: Spooketti

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Hey, Summer! Come over here for a second! We want to talk to you about … the beach. All the beach stuff we want to do during you, Summer. What’s that bear trap doing on the ground? Why’s Autumn hiding behind us with a big net in its hand? Don’t worry about that, Summer. Just … come over here for a sec, will ya? Suggested talking points: Backpack Shopping, LASIK Check-In, Master Chief Lessons for Baby Boomers, Ghost Rider vs. Everyone, Pasta 4 Life, Ranch Mouth, Get Sticky Off It

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. And I am your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm the baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Shhh. That was me stabbing and deflating your beach ball because summer's fucking over.

Oh no. Well, I could have, Griffin, I could have just pulled the plug on the beach ball and then I could have reinflated it another time. Shit, you're right. Yeah, we could have reused that. That's waste. Yeah, you kill. That was my grandma's beach ball. She just let me borrow it. Shoot, bud. I'll buy you a new one, okay bud? No, it was vintage. It was vintage. It was from Jimmy Buffett's pirate looks at 40, looks at 40 tour where the album of pirate looks at 40, turned 40. Summer's fucking over though. So put down the beach towel that you had ready to go to the beach and put down those sunglasses. You're not going to need them where we're going, which is autumn because summer's fucking over. Time for back to school shopping. Just as we bring in the

summer and we cover all sorts of summer activities here, it's up to us to kill the summer when it's summer time's over and it's done. Well, what backpack are you guys going to get this year? Oh, I'm getting a really cool one where it looks like Spongebob and like the rectangular shape of his body and it has, it's got arms and legs on it. So it looks like him and it's the perfect size to hold my bong. Cool, cool, cool. My school, let me clarify, my school bong that I use at school. Oh, sure. Yes, of course, yes. Not your home bong. No, that's way too big to fit my Spongebob backpack. I don't trust my tastes anymore. I don't trust my own ability to buy a good BTS, BP, because, you know, last year I bought the Thanos one and then the new movie came out this

year, it turns out he's kind of a stinker. Yep. So here I am with a bad guy backpack and people see me walking around the classroom and now that I know what this Thanos guy actually did, I don't want people to associate me with him and believe I'm a stinker. I love zombie humor and I was going to get a backpack that said zombie apocalypse response team and that was going to be my backpack for school this year, but they were sold out. So I had to settle for one that said skeleton fighter and that's not as good. It's not as good. It just makes me look like somebody that wants to fight a skeleton, which I could do at any time. You know what I would love to get? I'd love to get one of those backpacks that has my initials embroidered

on it, but who even knows where to get that? Yeah. Right? But Dylan's got it and God, it looks fucking cool and I'm like, Dylan, where did you get that embroidered? And he said, oh, my parents did it. I don't know. Sure, you don't know Dylan. Way to keep your secrets locked up again. That's too bad. Dylan's initials are D. U. M. That is unfair. Never. Here's the end of it. What's Dylan's middle name again? Umbert Griffin. Yulm Lodge. Dylan Yulm Lodge Makaroy. Wait, is my brother? Yeah, he's our. Yes, we got your brother. We got your brother. This person was backpacking

because we love him the most. Look, can I get one moms and dads? Sorry, bud. The guy who made it. You blew your embroidery budget on Dylan again. Yeah, the guy who made it moved away, bud. The skeleton has boxing gloves. It doesn't even make sense. Wait, so wait, are you the skeleton who is fighting or are you fighting the skeleton? I have no idea. Because the presence of the gloves on the skeleton makes it seem like you are on a team with the skeleton fighting other people. I love white claw alcoholic seltzer. And I wanted to get a backpack that said ain't no laws when you're drinking claws, but my dumb ass principal won't let me have anything about beer at all. And I told him it's like

baby beer pretty much and he still won't let me have it. He's probably just jealous of how cool you are. See, I've got one with Shonic the Hedgehog on it and his dongers hanging out. And my principal says no to that, but he'll say yes to Thanos who's much worse than Sonic the Hedgehog. What I did is I got a backpack that has a picture of my principal on it and he can't decide if it's sarcastic or not. So he's still not sure where to land up. Because there's no like quotes or anything on it. It's just a picture of him and he can't tell if it's like a tribute. What? What's his name again? The principal? Yeah. Dr. Principalson. Well, that's your problem right there. He's not real. He's a spy. No, he was just kind of born

into it. He comes from a long line of principals. He's both the principal's son and Principalson. So I like that your backpack with the principal's face on it says cool guy alert. So when the principal sees it, he like gives you a thumbs up. That's cool. But as soon as that principal's out of sight, you pull the drawstring and the letters change and it says poop guy alert. All your classmates are like you gotta fucking nail that motherfucker to the wall. Parker Lewis helped me design it. I love superheroes. So I got one that has Mark Ruffalo on it. Let me try again. I love superheroes. So I got one with Paul Betney. Now is it Paul Betney as vision? No, sir. Paul Betney from DaVinci County.

They didn't have vision. So I got Paul Betney as the saint of masochistic monk from DaVinci County. I'm so glad I had another Paul Betney. I was flying out in some thin air up there. Love that guy. Yeah, he's great. Should we start doing it? Yeah. So this is my brother, my brother means and if I show for the modern era, normally we take your questions and turn them advice like into wisdom. We are going to do that. I did have a special, we never do this. We never follow up on previous episodes. So if you're listening out of sequence, I apologize. This will seem strange.

But we asked you fine people to send us your best celebrity impressions of celebrities doing the voice mail message for a Lasik office. Now I don't remember why that was the prompt. I do not think the original question asker who admittedly said their impressions were bad. I don't think they sent one in. But many others of you answered the call with the Lasik challenge hashtag. Yeah, I am not listening to them. I'm just like quickly scrolling through. There's way more than I would have expected. Yeah, y'all really went for it. So I'm going to play these for some of my brothers. So once they, we're going to turn into a little bit of a game. When you guess who the celebrity impression is, just buzz in and Skype. Let's

do that. And I'll pause it so you can chime in. Does that sound good? Yes. Okay. You can buzz in with the thumbs up emoji or any other emoji you so choose or anything else. All right. Okay. Griffin has buzzed in. Griffin, what's your guess? Nice testing it. Testing it out. Okay. Here is our first impression. We're going to play this as a tester because you guys already know who this one is. And away we go. Thank you for calling Lasik Vision Institute. For hours and operations, please press one. To schedule an appointment, please press two. To speak, to a qualified. Griffin, you've buzzed in. Who do you think this is? That's Sir Michael Cain. Correct. That's Sir Michael Cain courtesy of

Weston Gaylord. They're Michael Cain, which is so good. It is extremely good. It's very good. I saw Lasik Hoboken. I saw Lasik Hoboken. There's no one here to take your call, but just you wait. Just you wait. Good morning. Good night. It's Lin-Manuel Miranda from Broadway. Yes. Griffin, you buzzed in first. Who are you going to guess? Lin-Manuel. Yes, obviously. But who is that? Eric. Eric. Holy shit. Eric. Good. Shool Miller. Here comes another one. This is Lasik eye surgery. I'm Roman Mars. As early as 1300 AD, people have done spectacles to help them see better, but before the craft of glasses was something much simpler.

Travis, now I'm going to say this feels like a bit of an easy, a gimme, but I'm going to say Roman Mars. Wait, they go on. They continue. Hold on a second. From WBEZ Chicago, it's this American life. I'm our glass. Today's show, eyeballs. What are they? All right, everybody. All right, everybody, calm down. Sorry, that was from, I don't think I identified that was from Tom. Okay, here's one for the kids. Oh, boy. You're going to get your Lasik surgery. Yeah, see? Yeah, your eyes don't look so good. See? Yeah. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian, they're having a sale on eye surgery. Isn't that great, Brian?

That was from B'day Poster. It looks like, it sounds like they were still driving. And most of these sound like they're driving. Hey, folks, priorities, maybe. This one is from AminalPlanet on Twitter. Yeah, hi. This is Patrick Warburton for Dr. Angelo's Lasik Eye Centers of the greater northern Virginia area. They'll, no, do a good job burning your eyes. That's so good. What a wild pull. What a wild pull. It's extremely powerful. Here's something from Alex, it looks like.

Deborah, there's people on the phone they called. Oh, gee, Ray Romano, it's okay. Don't worry about it. They can leave a message for us. And when we get it, we'll call them back as soon as we possibly can. Oh, gee, Kermit, that's great. Thanks so much. Yeah, no problem. We're so happy to help any customers we can. Blast your eyeballs back into the right shape so you can see again. See everything. The splendor of the morning, the dew as it drips down a plate of grass, the smile of her child. Kermit, you're so poetic. Thank you, Ray. Thank you for calling Kermit and Ray Romano's Lasik Surgery 24-hour-a-day Lasik Surgery Place. Leave a message. It's an answering machine. Geez.

Yeah, pal. That's going to be hard for anyone at top. Yeah, especially because we can't do this bit ever again. And it was the best ever. That's the best. That Ray Romano sounded like somebody who took a lot of stabs at a Fawzi Bear and eventually was like, you know what, fuck me. I'm just going to call this something else. Yeah, it would make a lot more sense for Kermit to be talking to Fawzi Bear, but I don't have a Fawzi Bear. I have a Ray Romano, and I have to be honest about that with myself. Geez, that's so good. Let's do some questions. Yeah, I'd like that. And then I'll randomly, at opportune moments, just play another Lasik

voicemail and sort of pepper them throughout. I think everybody will really dig that. Here is our first question. I live in a third floor apartment and share a porch with my neighbors. Sometimes they're a little kid or their cat want to onto our side, but like whatever. Yesterday, though, I was hanging out in my living room, which looks directly on the porch, and saw one of the grown up neighbors come over to our side, lean over, and look into the window. She apparently didn't see me because she said out loud, oh, hey, they've got a game system in there now. I've never talked to these neighbors aside from a quick hello and previously thought they were decent people. Now, 100% convinced they've been viewing my living room like a TV sitcom for the

past year. All right, talks to landlord. What else can I get them to do from due to keep them from peeping? That's from nervous neighbor north of Boston. There are many transgressions taking place here. Yes, we have a lot. We have a lot we can do to help a lot of people with this one. So it's kind of for us, it's like a salad bar. We can all agree that if they just peeked in the window and said nothing, that would be weird, but not as deeply troubling as making such a detailed observation as, oh, hey, they've got a game system in there now. Right. Yeah. That's the now that sucks. Because you think that they're like viewing it like a sitcom. My own media assumption would be they're like, they're scoping the place for a robbery. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I feel if you want to,

I do not pity you, question asker. I pity the person that this person was talking to. Yeah. Because like, what the fuck do you want me to say to that statement? Nice. Good for them. Cool. Why are you saying this? Words mean things. Don't just burn my time like this. Also, don't just say game system. Is it a Wii U? Do they have what have they got in there? Unless. Unless. Unless. Maybe they're trying to set up an apartment wide land party. Maybe they're trying to set up an apartment wide land party and they were checking to see if you have an original Xbox in there that y'all could play some fucking Halo 2 on, run the cables between every single. Now listen, you're going to have to team up with them and you're going to have to go

door to door evangelizing like, hello, oh, Mr. Spieverson. Yeah, I know we haven't talked before. How did I know your name? The mail. Don't worry about it. Anyway, do you like Master Chief and his guns? And do you know how to play it? Because we're trying to get a thing going here. You should dress as the chief for this. Yeah. For this, you should dress as the chief. Mr. Spieverson, it's me, Master Chief from the Halo games. Call me John. It's me, Mr. Chief. The Halo games, it's a Microsoft gaming franchise like Microsoft from computers. How far am I going to have to walk you here? Where do I start? Okay, you own a television. To begin with, yes, these are milk cartons that I colored with a green magic marker. Now, you know, Bill Gates' cool computer company,

Microsoft. Well, they do games now. And phones, but we'll get to that later. We'll get to that later. Anyway, I'm one of them. I'm an army guy from space named Master Chief. I need your help. Do you know aliens? Some are good. Some are bad. You don't know aliens. Okay, where'd I start? Okay, look up. That's the sky. Now keep looking up past the sky. And there's big rocks out there. Yeah. Now just think of some dudes up there. Yeah. And that's aliens. So we got to get them. Take this Xbox. Let me come in your apartment for like five minutes, run the LAN cables. It's going to be tight. Do you have any dude? Do you have any Pringles? Can you plant something? Okay, let me, I'm going to say something without any judgment, because I want you guys to judge. What is like the thumbs up,

thumbs down. I'm faking your own death in there. What is the, what is the yes? Yeah, how do we feel about it? Because then they bust in and they're like, wait, why did you fake your own death? It's like, why are you looking stinker? Yeah, this is not you. I feel like it could break bad in a lot of ways. You know, you fake your death. They placed a phone call. Now the police are there. You have to continue being dead. Now you're in that tiny morgue drawer that you always see on CSI and your board. Now this does have, this has the makings of a badass sequel to Rear Window, except we would call it same porch. Yeah. Front window. Shared porch. Shared porch. That's very good. Yeah. I mean, talking to your neighbors is, God, wouldn't you say some like foolish shit like this though,

if you thought nobody else was around? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. See, that's for sure. That's the dilemma. You need to make yourself. We'll take a quick peek. Yeah, I don't want to blame you in this scenario, but you need to make yourself more seeable. Yeah, maybe next time, if they, if there's something like this ever happens again, and they're like, oh, hey, they have a game system in the air. Yo, like, you know I do. What a shame that you didn't just like slowly pop up while they were peeking. God, that would have been so good. Like, fucking swamp thing emerging from his titular swamp. Or you come in and you're holding like some medical equipment, like an IV bag or something, that you plug into the game system, and you're like, oh, yeah, you thought that was a game system?

How embarrassing. It's medical stuff. For my condition. For my stuff I got. I got some things. God, that was Rasmus so fucking bad. Yeah, you really burned me to the ground. I don't think there's anything else to say here. Oh, yeah, you've reached the voicemail box for Lysik. Make a short to leave a message after the beep in order to schedule an appointment. That's what I really love, Mario. The impressions are good, but also they just had the voicemail for Lysik. For Lysik. I love, listen, I love all y'all so much. Thank you for making these boys It is very clear the time that it went from you hearing us do the bit to you going, I have an impression to record again without thinking at all about what you're going to say

is so heartwarming to me. Yeah, it's like they worked on the impression and didn't work on learning what Lysik is. Yeah, that was Kevin. Sorry. I got one and check this out. I got one from The Prospector, Merritt Palmer. What do you think? Merritt's always put in the work in the shitty hills of Yahoo, finding like the gold and all the gems. The Prospector, Merritt Palmer, meant to. I love that. I love that. Thank you, Prospector. It's Yahoo Answers user, who asks, Ghost Rider versus everyone who wins. Wait, all at once or one at a time? It's up to us to decide our stratagems to go against the motorcycle riding flame skull having man who is known as Ghost Rider. He does have his bicycle, his motorized bicycle and he's riding

on it and he has chains. His head is a skull and it's on fire and he can be Nicholas Cage, like in the movie. He is up against me and you and you and you listening at home, all of you, all of Mbem Bam Nation. It's up to us and everybody else living on the earth and it's up to us to figure out how we're going to get him. Are we assuming that this takes place in a world where Ghost Rider is the only meta? That we're Ghost Rider is the only person? Because lots of people could be Ghost Rider if there's other metas, like Iceman, Godim, Magneto, Godim, like just one-on-one. Bigger Ghost Rider. His brother, his older brother. Ghost Rider, you have to look out changing lanes because Ghost Rider might be in your blind spot. I would say, Justin,

that even though you're correct and in a world with other metas, lots of people would be, I would still say that the majority of people would not, right? So let's say 10% of the population is meta, which feels generous. This show means 90% of the people would lose. If we were looking at this like a street fighter kind of like bracket that you have to move down the line, yeah, right? Or perhaps that's moral comment, doesn't matter. You get it. I think he would make it surprisingly far down the line. Now, alternately, if there were 7 billion people in a tight circle around Ghost Rider and they just all swarmed him at once, I do not think he would last very long. You think that? Yes. Okay, but let's put it this way. 7 billion people all swarmed

Ghost Rider. Realistically, only like 16 folks are going to be able to get hands on him. I cannot see a situation where more than that, like he's only got 16 hands worth of like body mass. Maybe bump it up to like, you know what? I'll bump it up to 30 because hands on a hard body, like his bike is part of it. Okay. But his bike's on fire. Yes, precisely Travis. So you tell me how people are going to quote, get him. You tell me how that's going to happen because he's mostly fire, mostly fire. Well, then perhaps it's a little bit more of an organized approach. Maybe instead of just like on, maybe it's like, we're going to put our strongest out front. And even in this world, if you remove medals from the equation, right? You just say like, here's all of our Olympic

athletes up front. Yeah, I don't think he's lasting very long. Now, don't get me wrong. I think he could probably take one Michael Phelps, right? One Michael Phelps, but Michael Phelps and Apollo Oh, no, I don't know. More like, Oh, no, he's not going to make it. But the only Olympic athletes like a pole on a moment's notice. Yeah, I mean, Chrissy Yamaguchi would fuck Ghost Rider up probably. Tara Pinsky would kick his ass. Yeah. Here's, I just think Ghost Rider is going to take this one, Phelps. I just think Ghost Rider is going to take this one. All the way to the top. Have you seen him? Yeah. Unfortunately, everybody look at a picture of Ghost Rider for me. Let me look it up. Oh, oh, I can ball in. Yeah, he's pretty cool. But one thing that would work in Ghost Rider's

favor is if his history and film has taught us anything, it's that everybody on earth will lose interest after a little bit pretty quickly. So if he can just like go undercover, we may have been threatened to be kicked out of a movie theater for how hard we were laughing at the movie Ghost Rider, which was the first time that's ever happened. Ghost Rider versus everyone. I'm trying to think of the logistics of seven billion people trying to fight one dude. And it's tough for me to, if we did maybe like a phalanx position. We could dig a big hole. Yeah, I imagine like World War Z kind of like big piles of people just dolloping on. Ralph brings the internet. We all climb up on each other's shoulders and turn into one big guy. Yes. Yes. Like the agent. The agent. Oh,

the agent. Yeah. And then we can smash him good. Yeah. Or I'm going to go back to dig a big hole because I feel like we didn't really give dig a big hole. Okay. Okay. Okay. Travis keeps trying to stand some bullshit. Okay. Let's role play. I'm Ghost Rider. You two are everyone else. Go ahead and set your traps and your ploys and I'll tell you how I get around. I'm going to dig a big hole and I'm going to put something gooey in the bottom of it. Okay. I on my badass motorcycle steer around it and give you a flaming finger. It's a really big hole Griffin. Yeah, it's mine to really cool bike. And also while I'm doing that people dug this hole while I'm doing that, I use my chains and I like, I've taken out like half your army at this point. Next.

Next. A bunch of dry ice. A bunch of dry ice in a box labeled Ghost Rider Chow. You don't even know about and you see it and you're like, hell yeah. And then you upend it under skull and obsidazy. We can't beat him with brawn. He's, he's stronger than, we must beat him with brains. Get me the magic markers. It puts it out. I get scared. I drive away on my motorcycle just to put some distance between the army and me. And I do say I take out like another half an army and I find an alley to hide in until my fire comes back. But you did do 10 points damage to me. Oh, okay. Okay. This is good. That's a good start. We know we can, we know we can be hurt. Yeah. Now you're down to like one and a half million, billion like folks. So

Oh, Griffin. Oh, look out Ghost Rider. It's our buddy Godzilla. No, no bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. What? You can't say bullshit. Yeah, it's everyone. It's human beings. Come on, play along. Don't you, you're changing the rules because you're fucking scared because you know I've got you on the ropes. Okay. We all hide. Okay. Now the, now the rider becomes the hunter. Yeah, and we let him die of old age. We form societies, prudent new societies on her ground. It just weighed him out. He dies. We make a new world beneath this one. The top land is Ghost Rider's now. The top world belongs to the rider. Okay. Okay. And probably some will, some traitors will leave the sacred underground to go to the top world, which is the land of the Ghost Rider to

try to join his flock, but they'll be dead to us. Yeah. You don't have a husband. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you do that. I die. My motorcycle falls over and crushes all my skeleton bones and that takes away the rest of my HP and I die. And y'all come up, the scouts, the, the mole scouts come up from the ground and they see what's happened and there's rejoicing, there's a celebration, there's a mass orgy, and then y'all come up and start civilization over again using the desiccated husk of humanity's machinations. And 30 years pass and an arrow of peace has settled onto the land. And then what's that on the hill? Oh, is it a beacon of hope? No, it's Ghost Rider Junior. It's my daughter and she is back and now she has all my powers because I

fell in love up here. Well, in the top world. That's all I've got. I wish I, I wish I'd seen that coming. I know. I'm out of traps. Yeah, for sure. We go, I have one last one. We asked Ghost Rider nicely. So let's cut it out. All right. Ghost Rider, a season to heaven. You figured it out. Yeah. Just manners. The solution was manners. The solution was manners. Let that be a lesson to you all. Sometimes it's manners. I have a question here and it comes to us in the form. I think it's time to go to the Money Zone. I'm pretty sure that's what he was setting up. That or he's got to play another voicemail. Which do you guys want? I want to go to the Money Zone. Let's go.

I want to tell y'all about Stitch Fix. Stitch Fix has revolutionized this guys and I'm putting to myself clothing game. Let me tell you why. You describe yourself to them. You said this is the kind of stuff I'm into. They even have a thing where you go through and they like will put up a shirt or some pants and say, would you wear this? We got to say, you fill out like a internet survey about your taste and it's thorough, but you don't, as Travis just said, describe yourself to them. You don't have to write them an essay and be like, okay, so hi, my name is Griffin. I am, my body is pretty average, I guess. I'm eight? Yeah, I don't mean to brag. Face 9.3. My fingernails are getting a little long. I don't know if you need to do anything with that.

But here's what I really love about Stitch Fix is you would offer feedback as you go through and so like, whenever we transition to a new season, as we are doing now from summer to fall, I will say like, hey, I need some more like fall kind of clothes and I'll get shirts that have like bears and trees on them that feel very fall-tastic. Maybe some orange colored pants. It's great. And I think you all should start doing it because you only, you pay for what you keep. So they send you the box, you try it on, you say, oh, I don't really like these shorts. You send the shorts back, you only pay for what you keep. And plus the $20 styling fee is automatically applied towards anything you keep from the box. It's amazing. Returns are always free. Shipping

is always free. It's incredible. So get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother and get a extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash my brother, stitchfix.com slash my brother. Justin, do you want to do Squarespace or you want me to do Squarespace? I'd love to do Squarespace. If you have a big idea that you'd love to turn into a website, this is the place to do it, not here in this podcast because it's audio file and not Squarespace. Squarespace, what's the difference? Well, an audio file you listen to and Squarespace helps you create a beautiful website to showcase your work, blog or publish content, sell products and services of all kinds and more. How you ask? Well, by giving you beautiful

customizable templates created by world-class designers that are optimized for mobile, they got built in SEO. Great. I thought you were going to say SEX. SEX. They got, Squarespace got built in SEX. You can put SEX in your Squarespace website if you want, a tasteful amount, they don't give a shit. Get as nasty as you want at squarespace.com slash my brother for free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code MYBROTHER to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace, get nasty. They don't have to be nasty porn websites. There's an asterisk. It says get nasty asterisk as nasty as you want it. Within reason. Yeah. Okay, I have a quick one more voicemail. This one comes from Eric and I didn't want to miss it

because it makes me laugh and then we'll come right back after the break with a Munchquat. Yeah, that's right. I'm teasing him now. Batman, you merely adopted the dog. I was born by it, molded by it. I didn't see the light of day until I got Lasik eye surgery. Over that time, the lasers were all but blinding. You know, until a few days when my eyesight, when my eyes healed from the lasers and then I could, I could see really clearly Batman. That's why I was, that's why I was able to kick your ass, Batman. I broke your back. Thanks to Lasik Eye Surgery, Batman. Leave a message out to the tone if you also want to break Batman's spine.

It's really good. You're the best. I'm Riley Smerl. I'm Sydney McElroy and I'm Taylor Smerl and together we host a podcast called Still Buffering where we answer questions like, why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleek? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about bugs. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager and I was too. Bugs, butts, butts, butts, butts. Right on. So, I want a munch. This is more of a junior because it's, it's, it's,

you all know the pasta pass, right? Your boy is a two-time pasta pass holder and one-time pasta pass user that is a never-ending pasta pass that keeps you going all summer long. One delicious bowl of pasta every day at Olive Garden for as long as the pasta pass lasts. Or as long as you last because that's a lot of carbohydrates. Well, that's an interesting, interesting, you should bring that up Griffin because here's the deal this year. The, the, the card, the never-ending pasta pass will be available to 24,000 diners for $100 each. But the first 50 guests to complete their online transaction pay an additional $400 are going to receive, oh my god, you guys aren't gonna believe this. What? But sign up for this starts at 2 p.m. ET, August 15th. Is that today?

That's right now. That's literally. No, that's not today. That's right now. It's literally right now. Go Justin, go. Justin, go. Justin, go. Come with me if you want to eat. Just fucking go, Justin. Stop the bit and go get this fucking card right now. Go. Didn't get it this year. It's sold out. Maybe next year. The pasta pass is a pasta unique pasta all, all summer long. But this year, the first 50 people to complete their online transaction pay additional $400 got a lifetime pasta pass. That's, that's a long time. What if a baby? Well, it's such a long time. What if a baby buys it? That's a good point, Griffin. It's ironic because by giving the lifetime pasta pass, it is actually sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy

that they'll have to give you less overall because you are someone who is eating olive garden in theory every single day for the rest of your life. So it will sort of curtail. It's a limit. I'm saying it's not as, they have a thing on their website that says, if a lifetime pasta pass holder ate one bowl a day for the next 60 years, the line of bowls would stretch longer than 98 leaning towers of Pisa. The assumption that you have made here, this person is, here's my two things. One is I eat, I'm going to eat one bowl of olive garden every single day. And the second thing is I'm going to live for 60 years. This is the most useless chart anyone has ever created. It imagines a fictionalized situation in which you are going to kick it for more than,

I mean, a decade at that rate. I mean, some, not great. Olive Garden, their vice president of marketing, Jennifer Arguello said, it's important to us that our biggest brand fans have been with us through all of their special occasions. With the introduction of the lifetime pasta pass, we're able to continue making memories with them for a lifetime, which could be eight, nine years, tops, she says. Oh, here are the pasts this year, by the way. We got weekly ones. We got tough ones. Ones that look like worms. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But there's a lot of different combos. You can get grilled chicken on there if you want. I beg of you, please get some grilled chicken. You can get grilled chicken on there and you can get garden veggies. Please. I beg of you.

Please get the grilled chicken and garden veggies on there at least a few times. Please stay with us. Please. When you hear your family, obviously they care about me very much. If I owned one of these very expensive lifetime pasta passes. If I out, if I'm out of state away from my home, OG and I tragically pass away, are they going to know and come to my funeral and be like, oh, we are so sorry. We're so sorry. We're so sorry. We do need that card and they pull out a big pair of scissors. That is, and they throw it in the gasket with you like a faro. They placed them over your eyes, the halves of the card. The terrifying thing is actually one day you'll just be holding your pasta pass and suddenly in your hand, it will shrivel and blacken and you know.

Yeah, it's like the blacks. Yeah, today's the day. An expiration date will magically appear on and you know that that ain't the cards. You go into Olive Garden to use it. They're like, we're sorry, sir. This is no longer applicable and you look around and you're a skeleton. That's when you'll be getting the pasta man and only you will be able to see him. Is that what creepypasta is? I've been wondering about it. Is that what it is? We've got a new selection this year at Olive Garden Creepypasta. Or as I call it, Spooketti.

What a missed opportunity. About once a month, I go to a couple's house to play board games. We usually play right after work and then they often invite me to join them for dinner, which is so thoughtful and generous. But, but, but and anyway, that's the end of my thing. No, it doesn't say that. It says, unfortunately, I don't like any of the salad dressings they provide. Should I be rude and shun the salad or would it be okay to bring my own dressing? They sell little packets at work so I could grab one on my way over to play games. Is that rude? And then it says in parentheses, just in case there's any daylight left here,

I really hate their dressings. That's from dressing with disaster. They really hate the free dressing. If there's any point, if there's any question up to this point as to whether or not this couple knows that you don't like their dressing, pulling out your own bottle of Italian is going to solve that. Now hold on though. They're not talking about full bottles. They said there's packets. A packet could mean anything. You could wear a sweat band around your wrist and tuck a packet in it. And then maybe once you could excuse that away as I just happened to have a packet of salad dressing on my person, but two or three times Griffin. I mean, you throw a noisemaker snapper into the other room. They look over really quick. You can just like,

shit man, you could lower your salad bowl beneath the table onto your lap. And then when it comes up, it's fully dressed. And the optics on that aren't great. But the flavor is going to get you there. And then you won't have to worry about being invited to dinner anymore. I sympathize with this person. I genuinely do. I have a very narrow band of salad dressings that I actually like. If you were to make a pie chart of the salad dressings I don't enjoy, it would resemble Pac-Man trying to keep a secret. It's a very small portion. It's basically just pizza sauce that I like. Is that a traditional dressing? I like pizza sauce. I like buffalo sauce. Neither of the Sriracha. No. And olive oil. You're getting closer. Gwacamole. Nope. That's not a salad

dressing. That's not even a sauce. Gwacamole is mere a salad. It's more of a plasma. It is. So I get it. It's a non-newtonian. You go in with the best intentions. You're going to try to eat a salad. You've made this decision for yourself. And then it's impossible. It's rendered impossible by these creamy ranch-based dressings. What's the deal with ranch, everybody? I don't get it. I mean, it's the stinky sauce we all crave on our nuggets on our salad on whatever. I can't stand this stuff. I think it's a joke everybody's playing on me. I don't get it with ranch. I don't get it. I like a nice balsamic. Yeah, just go ahead and keep showing off. You fucking hot shot. I like a nice raspberry vinaigrette. You like a lot of different

salad dressings. Congratulations. I enjoy a Thousand Island. I don't. The reason I'm surging in the polls is because I like the fucking stinky, zesty milk that we call ranch dressing, like real America does. So you guys talk about your balsamics and your pizza sauce, like a fucking couple of, you know, Einstein's. And I'm down here eating the real shit, the stinky milk. I like that Griffin McRae. He's the kind of guy that you could just get a bottle of ranch dressing with, you know? I bet he both eats and works on a ranch. That's me. Yee-haw. That does explain why there are so many pictures of you sitting on a horse drinking ranch salad dressing. Yeah. So don't do this thing. You're going to look like fucking morc from Orc.

I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Okay. One of those really nice, like, gift bags that you would put, like, a bottle of wine in. Only you've gotten a bottle of fancy dressing that you like. And you're going to gift it to them as a present. That's nice. Okay. But that's very tasteful. Here's a gift. It's the dressing I want. Go ahead and crack that puppy open. No need to age it. Could you get the packets and slip them into your mouth before you go to dinner? And then as you're chewing the salad, just nudge a corner up from your gums and just distribute it in media reds, as it were. Now, Bond, what we've got here is a molar filled with vinaigrette. When you need to deploy it, simply bite it out. So during

game night, you're like, okay, I'm going to move my troops from South Africa over to Madagascar. So I have six stars. Let's go. Is anybody hungry? Can we please eat? Maybe just sour the salad? I couldn't use your apple salad. Someone put one leaf of salad in my mouth all the time. And do you have any scissors? Safety scissors, preferably. I have a yahoo. Can I do it? Yes. Yeah, sent by Graham Robach. Thanks, Graham. It's yahoo. They're anonymous yahoo answers user. I'm going to call them. PD asks, what is the best way to get sticky off it? This is in maintenance and repair section of yahoo. So this is not some troll doing a bad

joke on the internet and trying to confuse me an internet user. This is a real honest to God ranch chugger. And they want to know how to get the sticky off it. Off of what? Whatever. Does it matter? It's probably not, but it's hard for me not to imagine a penis. It's in maintenance and repairs, Travis. You have to do maintenance on your penis, Griffin. Unless this person's a fucking urologist, they're probably not trying to get sticky off it. And that's a gross place that you went. And I'm over here trying to do an episode that's clean for the ranchos out there. No, wait, that's a different thing. No, that's a different thing. What? It is sticky. Help. Is soap it? Is soap soap? Soap will work on most of it. Soap will work on

I've defeated 10. I've removed 10 hit points from the sticky stuff. Now, here's the problem. Here's I'm going to break this, but then fix it because we're maintenance repair. I could say Gugon, right? A product specifically designed to get sticky off of it. Oh, Gugon. Yeah. But, but what if this is a sticky thing on another sticky thing and you want the big sticky thing to remain sticky, but get the small sticky thing off? What's the best way to get sticky off it? How do you get sticky off sticky? Yes. So like you've got a sticker on your window decal, you know? Yeah. Uh, shit. Hey, what is Gugon? Nobody's ever talking about this, but it's the only thing that gets sticky off it. And it works. It works every time.

What's the anti goo made out of though, Travis? No, it's made of pure anti goo particles. You know, like there's matter and anti matter. There's goo and anti goo. There's an opposite, an equal and opposite to everything Griffin. Read a book. Okay. So you're telling me they just worked out of the large hadron collider and just got one little drop of Gugon at a time out of it, risking the annihilation of existence with each, with each shot. Yeah. But it was worth it to get sticky off of it. Yeah. We did get sticky off it. Yeah. There's not sticky on anything anymore. Oh, I just tried the Gugon. It didn't work. Fuck. Oh, fuck. This is some serious sticky. Oh, pull on it really hard. Well, no, thank you. Maybe scrape at it with your thumbnail.

You'd probably started with that. Oh, yeah. Maybe you're trying that first and then you're like, I'm going to go to yaho. That didn't work. I'm going to try yaho. Maybe a gentle use of a paint scraper. Hmm. Cobra venom, freshly milked cobra venom, and it's got to be fresh. So you're going to need the, you're going to need the animal there. You're going to need the cooperation of a cobra. Yeah, but we all have cell phones. So that's not a problem. So you can call a cobra? No. No. Why do you have to say stuff like this? Why do you have to say shit? When I say cool shit, like we all have cell phones to distract cobras and you swing in there like fucking Georgia the jungle and smash it into my,

my erudite joke tree. And you leave a Travis shaped hole in it and now nobody likes it anymore. It's what I do. I get sticky on it. How do I get Travis off my tree? He's just clinging up there. He's just stuck up there. Wait, I have one more from Kyra. We can't stop the show yet. Hello, darling, you need a lasing, darling, but we cannot come to the phone today. No, no, no. It's the weekend. So please leave a message at the tone and darling, we will fix your eyes. Darling, we will fix your eyes. Darling, we'll fix your eyes on Monday. It would just be so good to call a place and get something with that kind of

verb and energy because you could kind of could have ended it on like one like we'll finish but instead they went back there for that reprise, for that coda and fucking nailed it. That's dedication. Justin, into the show. Yes. Now, I will end the show now by saying that thank you for listening to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. We have had such fun making this episode. We hope you have had fun listening to it. If you want to find other shows that we make, you can go to mackleroy.family and you're going to end just click on podcasts and you're going to find a bunch of them there. And we think that there's some quality stuff that we think you're

really going to like. If you want to buy something based on the things that we make, just click on merch and you're going to see some new pins. You're going to see a adventure zone fanny pack. I'm a bin-bin backpack and a bunch of posters, t-shirts, whatever you want. It's all available for you there. If you're going to be at DragonCon, dad and I are going to be there doing a bunch of stuff, but including a photo op where you will be there Friday and Saturday. You can get those in advance so you can take a photo with me and dad with a professional photographer. Now, here's the bit.ly. It's a little long, but it's bit.ly slash McElroy DragonCon Photo 19. Wow. That is not saving anyone anytime.

I didn't make it, but it's bit.ly, McElroy DragonCon Photo 19. You can also check TravisMcElroy.com and I'll be posting our full schedule there and where you can go to, but come get photos with us and we'll also be doing live shows while we're there in Atlanta. So one, go get those tickets, McElroy.family, click on tours. Two, start sending in your MB&BA questions for both Atlanta and Orlando if you haven't already. Make sure to put Orlando or Atlanta in the subject line, and that includes Yahoo Answers as well. Thank you. Thanks to John Rodger and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Classic tunes, classic summer hits. It's good in the fall too. Thank you also to Maximum Fun,

for having us on the network. Go to MaximumFun.org. Check out all the great shows there, like Mission to Zix and stop podcasting yourself and Switchway Sisters and a bunch more at Maximum Fun. Sydney was on Judge John Hodgman this week. She's an expert witness. My wife, Sydney, is in position. All right. Thank you. So here's my final Yahoo. No one did a Borat impression. And just like that, a thousand people all grab their microphones and their fake mustaches. This one was sent in by Harold. Thanks, Harold. It's Yahoo Answers user. They're anonymous, so this one is named Robbie Asks. How do we get to Mars if it's on the other side of the sun? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother,

my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Go wear on the lips. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bee,

my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.