My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 474: OutSTANDing Deals!

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

Throw on your largest, most profane novelty T-Shirt and crack open a cold, fresh bottle of Old El Paso — it’s jokes time again! Suggested talking points: Gridiron Wisdom, Feature Length Texts, What to Wear to Cave, Big Johnson, The Great Coupon Heist, Travis’ Falsified Book Report Service

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, how to hut. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy, huddle, huddle, huddle, huddle. Hey, this is grid iron field, gold McElroy. Yeah, that was perfect. Grimoire's team was. Thanks a lot. Thank you very much. You know

what they go tell you? A lot of time when the footballmen are like in that big circle, they're just saying huddle, huddle, huddle, huddle, huddle, because they don't know what to say, they don't know what to do most of the time. Well, that's how they're not even coming up with free complaints. They just wanted a snug. They wanted a quick snug. They wanted to get snug as a bug because they've just been hit so many times. Yeah, they're just trying to, they're trying to be, you know what they should do? They should make that circle, but turn their backs inward and look out so they can all be looking out at the same time so no one sneaks up and. Or listens in on their big plans. Yeah. Hey, it's fantasy football time. Just anything, man. Football don't really give

a shit, but I'll look at it. I'll look right at it for a while if that helps. Listen, I don't want to jump back at this, but it's just occurred to me. I should be able to watch football in 4DX. Yep, you should. That's a good point. I want to feel, I want to feel what it's like to get just a human being thrown at me. I like the idea of a 4DX theater where there's a guy controlling all of it live, like an old organist at silent movies from the 30s. We can't go back to talking about 4DX. We cannot do that. No, but I want to. Fantasy football season is here. What if when they dumped, they dumped the Powerade over the football coach and they dumped Powerade on you? Spray it on your face. Yes. Okay, Justin. Yes. Take away. Go. This is your bit. I'm so sorry. This is Justin's

bit and his idea. It's your time to shine, baby. I didn't, I didn't suggest it, but it's a football of a time here. My brother, my brother, and me. We're ready to run it to the red line and talk about our fantasy football strategies. This episode is going to be exclusively fantasy football. Yes. Some picks, some hot picks for the best kickers, mainly kicker focused, because that's the differentiator. Everybody knows you want a good QB in there. You want a good RB, but what about the K? You know what I mean? I'm, I'm saying a little special K in there. My recommendation, and listen, this is a bit of a sleeper pick, right? But I'm saying Steve Bigfoot Jones, because he's got that big old foot. Right. Yeah. He cannot miss. He cannot miss the football. Yes.

His foot is 19 inches long and he basically can just lift up the ball with his foot and just kind of drop it. It means I want to share my fantasy football strategy for the year. I'm employing for touchdowns and Abby, the same strategy that I've been employing since that name was funny. And that is this. I don't have, this is the league our dad runs. I don't have the login for my account. I don't know how to update it. Now, is this negligent? No. Why? Well, I feel like the computer probably did a better job of drafting than I would. It is so presumptuous to me this idea that I'm going to get in there and do a better job than a football robot. That seems fair. Absolutely insane to me. Mine and Justin's approach is, is the same. I don't,

I don't even think I have that account anymore, but somehow I'm still robo drafting all my guys. So we're, we've essentially ripped the bay blades out of our bay blade guns. And now for a whole season they're going to spin and dance around each other. And we're going to see who the last one spinning is probably mine. When it comes to trades, our teams are going to play hardball. Okay, so I'm looking at last season's standings. Yes, please. In the league. It is a 10 team league. Now Griffin, he did finish ninth. That's bad. With two and 12. That's not great, but there was somebody below me which is great. And that would be Justin with one and 13. All day. I bet one of those w's was Griffin, right? Most likely, yeah. Most likely, we only beat each other. All right,

well, it's, I should change right team name to Bi-Week because that's basically what you have if you're playing me as a, is a week off. Now I will say back in 2017, Justin finished seventh and Griffin finished ninth, beating many, Justin beat many people in 2017. But that's like a control group. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like this is baseline of football and then you can do better than this. If, you know, if you'd better than this, you get a win. But there's like, that's just the baseline of football trends that year. The predictability of football is what that was sort of ranking. The problem that I have is deaths. If there are any deaths on my team, the computer cannot account for it. Right. When players are, as they are frequently killed. Exploded. Field of

play. Exploded. From having full grown people thrown at them. Right. A member of the mutant week comes in and blows them up with a hand grenade, whatever the cause. Uh, Mike, the computer does not redraft dead players. And that's a problem that I had because I would love it to fill those goal, fill the gaps, you know what I mean? But no, no dice. And that's why I made a mistake when the last time I played, I drafted Brian Brittlebones. It's a dog ruined it. The dog ruined my joke. The dog ruined Griffin's football joke. Tell the dog it ruined my football joke. I made a good football joke and the dog ruined it. Send it to the glue factory. Okay. Back to

their jobs at the glue factory. My problem in fantasy football is one of my players will get your dogs. No football jokes will be made while the dogs are going. Justin, real quick, while he's doing that, let's tell some good football jokes. Okay. I, I, they could have changed the rules to make points different. And I still wouldn't affect my play. Yeah. I'm so disconnected from the world of football. It's going to be another, I, what I can't leave is the text chain about football. So I'm getting a lot of updates about the draft, about people's unawareness of the draft, about people missing the draft, a lot of guilt trips from my dad, about people not giving it their all. I have, it should be known Griffin and I are not negligent

here. We have begged, we have begged to be freed from this football league that we cannot keep up with. Begged. Our father, our papa will not let touchdown and Abbey and a grid iron and wine die. Just, I, and I've told him like, I haven't watched a football game save the Super Bowl for like, like two and a half years, like recreationally. I'm not up on it. I'm not, I'm not up on it. I tried to draft, I was trying to draft the old QB for dolphins. I ended up drafting Ken Marino from party down and burning love. He did a good job there. Veronica Mars, he did a good job considering he didn't play any games, but shit, man, let me go, let me free. I, this is not, by the way, the sort of like, uh, sports ball, blah, blah, blah. Like it,

the idea that I would be able to predict with literally any accuracy on my own predict how a football team would perform in a given outing is just beyond comprehension at this point in my life. I have two kids. I have a lot of kids. You can lose one. I was just thinking about this. You can lose points in fantasy if you're a player for like fumbles and like stuff like that. So I'm willing to bet somewhere out there is a, an NFL, a professional football player who ended a season with negative points, meaning I did better in fantasy football than they did. Interesting. Yeah. My stats, my fantasy football stats are better than theirs. You gotta get Travis. You gotta get Travis. He's not going to, he's not going to bring you down.

Nope. That's my promise to you. You'll end it with exactly the same amount of points you had if you left the slot open. That's the Travis McRoy promise. Just write me in. That's, they'll recognize it. Let me be a writing candidate for your, for your fantasy football game. Please let's do some show. I'd love to. This has been show. This is all part of the program. Let's do more show then. My father will not stop making his own. I don't want to do this. Hold on. How do people say you should pronounce this word now? GIFs. GIFs. My father will not stop making his own GIFs. After discovering how the app store works, he downloaded some GIF making apps and use them in incredibly appropriate areas such as work group chats and emails. If they're

not good or funny GIFs and they are never good quality videos, he keeps trying to get me to download and use these apps. And he's even thinking about getting one that costs actual money. Brothers, how do I stop my father? That's from GIF gulogged in Grand Rapids, Michigan. You gotta stop my dad from using these GIFs. Yeah. This is, you've made me worried that our dad is going to figure this out. You've like spread some sort of viral curse. This is what I love about. Can I tell you what I love about your dad, question asker? I love, let me tell you what I love about this person's dad. Let me tell you. Travis, will you tell me what you love about their dad? Let me tell you what I love about your dad. He's thick. Dummy thick. I love, he's domes like a

child. Is that your dad could just use GIFs. But instead, your dad said, I'm going to learn how to make my own. And it's that kind of can do attitude that's missing from the world today. Are they good? No. But Bill Gates, his first GIFs were bad too. When Steve Apple started making his GIFs, they were bad, right? But you practice, you practice your GIFs, and now you're making a PlayStation. Now, why Travis was talking? Griffin has been sending us some of his own GIFs, three of the minions so far, which one of those little bastards is holding a banana and saying banana? One in a Magus too. Yes. One, I literally, it's just photocopying his butt cheeks. Thank you.

And now two of Crash Bandicoot doing different things. I don't want to receive any more if I get Yoda. Okay, we got Yoda. Now there's a Yoda. That Yoda one's pretty good. Oh, okay. Okay. Now here we have Samwise Gamgee saying potatoes. Good, another good GIF. Another good GIF from Griffin. You got to take the phone away. You got to throw it in some hot water, boiling water, because if it's regular water, he might dive his hand in there to try and grab it out. The boiling water is really going to be a nice scare tactic. Now, Griffin, you've sent us one here of a minion's ass. Can you guys just please focus on the fucking show? Yeah, but like, I can see his whole asshole. Yeah, I'm closing this app. I don't need any more updates. I got my

haircut today. My barber said he, he just announced apropos of nothing. Well, looks like I'm finally going to get me one of those smartphones. Go on, do tell. And apparently his son got it for him. And after spending a long time teaching him how to use it, he asked a week later, he said, I don't think this thing's working. I haven't got any calls for it. And he was informed that he had to charge it to keep it working. Ah, beans. Oh, beans. I said, so you're not a big technology fan. He said, no, I don't, I don't, I tell people I don't like to have anything smarter in my house than I am. And I'm down to just the toaster and even that's borderline. That's a good line. It's a good line, man. It's a good haircut. Good. Well, okay, haircut, but a

good one. An affordable haircut. You, GIFs are tough because once you learn how to use them, plain text just doesn't cut it anyway. Right. Well, that's the thing, right? And then you start, like, you're like, I want to find one, somebody like giving a thumbs up and you're like, Oh, no, there's a bajillion of them. And what if I pick the wrong one and all the other kids laugh at me? The answer in case you're wondering is there's one where Fred Savage, and I believe one of you just gives a really slow, dramatic thumbs up. It's one of my favorite. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay. But this, we've been, we've spent a while now talking about GIFs, which is maybe the most base, low form of comedy that exists. Oh, there he goes. Yeah. And so like, we got to step in. My

wife. Yep. Never mind. Anyway, the kids are going to figure out something else next. And then we're going to be doing GIFs and they're going to be off doing the next thing. We need to skip forward a few generations here. And we need to start texting each other full feature length films whenever we have something that we want to say to another person. And I'm talking and it's like, Hey, what do you think about, uh, we go out and we get some, uh, you know, we get some burgers down at Shake Shack today. And then maybe we go, uh, go to the arcade. How does that sound? And then I send them Driving Miss Daisy, the entire movie. Just extremely good. I guess I'm, I would, I thought you were going to go more like, and you send them the entire movie of like, yes,

man, to symbolize that you were saying, yes, man, but you, et cetera, saying, how about instead, you watch all of Driving Miss Daisy? Yeah. And then, you know, the next day I'll be like, what the fuck, man? You didn't pick me up. We were supposed to go out for burgers. You didn't watch the entire movie because then you'd understand the point of what I was trying to get across. You have to pick me up and drive me to go get burgers. I was trying to tell you my car's in the shop and I need a ride. Obviously. Don't tell me you don't understand full length feature films. Hey, you sent me the full length feature film of Clueless. Yeah, man, I want to go do an escape room. I thought that was obvious. Hey, um, I know this is cowardly to do over text,

but I just feel like we've been drifting apart lately. And I know that you feel the same way, too. And I think pride is stopping us from realizing what we actually need to do here. So, um, I think it would probably be good if we, if we split up. Here's the animated movie, Megamind, and I feel like when you watch Megamind, it's going to be like the closure that you need. Mm hmm. Justin's just answered back all of my great texts with the entire movie Three Ninjas that he found on YouTube. It's also kind of a PSA to you that like you can watch all three ninjas on YouTube if you want. Man, every movie released before the year 2004 looks like such dog shit. Are you just watching the film Three Ninjas right now? Is that what you're, how you're

spending our podcast time? Uh, you sent me Three Ninjas, Justin. Yeah, what are we supposed to do? Not respond? Okay, it's loading. It's playing now. Okay, some treat. All right. Uh-huh. Still haven't got our, wait, Justin, are we the Three Ninjas? This is poison. This is poison. This is poison. I sent Three Ninjas because we're the Three Ninjas that are beating our careers to death with this audio poison you're making right now. All right, I guess I'll respond later. How about a Yahoo? Yes, thank you. This is a very good Yahoo. I'm very excited. Lots of people sent it in. Thank you all so much. It's from Yahoo Answers user. Sorry, something's gone wrong. Let me get a refresh in here. Oh, it worked. Tina asks, what should I wear to a cave? Oh, good question. I'm

going to a cave and I'm wondering if there is proper attire. Like, should I wear sports clothes or just normal? Whoa, what kind of cave? Are we talking about a cool cave? Are we talking about scary cave, big cave, small cave, dirty cave, clean cave, maybe a cave that has like a pop-up store in it, maybe a cave rave? I've never been inside a cave where I wasn't like, hey, this is pretty scary. Hey, being in this set of places is a little bit scary. I've watched a lot of Planet Earth, so I'd also say, look out for things that have, like, they've lost their eyes and have turned into tiny demons that live in the cave and will consume the flesh off your bone. They need the flesh. They need that flesh. You are bringing something that they

really, really like into their house. So, like, think about that. So armor, I guess, to cover all that good skin you have. Yeah, cover the flesh. Cover the flesh. We should have, there should be a thing on Planet Earth that is, like, at the bottom of the screen text that's like, you'll never fuck with one of these. It should be a thing at the bottom where it's like, I'm watching it. I'm loving it. I'm starting to get freaked out. Yes. And then the text pops up is like, don't even trip on this. You'll never fuck with one of these things. Don't worry. There's like eight of these things. We can't believe we saw what you'll never fuck with this. Do not even worry about it. I know we filmed it real

close and it looked real big in real life, real tiny. Don't even say it. What we need is, like, before the deep, deep, deep sea monster episode, we need, like, Julia Roberts to come out for, like, five minutes and be like, hi, Justin. Listen, I need you. It's me. I know some of these guys are pretty spooky. They have weird lanterns on their head and sharp, sharp needle teeth. And you can see through their bodies and there's electricity in there for some reason. And also they don't have any organs. That's some scary shit. I know. But you're not going to have to mess with one of these. You're not even going to see one of these in an aquarium, Justin. So it's fine. Listen, if they come for you, I'll be there. These are basically pretend. And you

know what, Justin? You can just skip this episode. Spend the time that you're going to spend watching this episode and go watch something else on Amazon. Go give a full metal alchemist to try. That's right. I'm a big anime nut. Julia Roberts. So Julia Roberts is going to have me watch. I'm on Amazon and Julia Roberts is not staring me towards homecoming. Well, she knows you've already watched it. She watched you watch it through the TV and said she's going to say, skip this planet. Skip the devotion. Go watch that one about lemurs. Go watch the lemur ones again, Justin. Remember? They like to move it, move it. You know? Remember? If I was going to a cave today at four o'clock and it's 2.38 right now and as soon as we hang up, I gotta go get dressed

real quick, hop in the whip and get to the cave. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to put on my body. Jeans? Your oldest jeans. Oldest jeans. Don't put on some new jeans. Oh, jeans. I have old jeans. Do I want to? Is it hot in there? Is it cold in there? Well, it's going to fluctuate, Griffin. Is it wet? The deeper you go, you're going to hit a period of cold, but then you're going to get close to the middle of the earth where it's all lava down there. So I need something that goes day to night. Yes. And then back. Something that goes crust to mantle. Exactly. And then you're going to see, oh, who's that? It's Brandon Frazier. He's heading to the center, too. He's always down there and that's a great hang. Oh, and once he got on, a neckerchiff.

Have you talked about a neckerchiff, Griffin, to collect all your neck sweat? He gives me one of his enchanted spears just in case the demons come back. They will, Griffin. And we fight them together. Why can't you guys just answer one question? What are you wearing? A cave suit. Just what do you wear? A cave suit. Thank you. It goes up a Green Bay Packers jersey if you like them. Yes. Maybe something that glow, a glowing shirt, a glow in the dark shirt. A glowing shirt, obviously, except now you're messing up the cave experience for everyone else. No, that is true. One time I went on a youth group trip to a cave to Carter Caves in West Virginia

and they had a moment where they were taking you on a tour where there was a tour guide and they said we're going to turn off all of these man-made lights so you can see how dark it really is in here. And they turned it off and like three different people had on glow in the dark shirts and the effect was ruined. Because like suddenly there's a cool Skeletor over there. Cave is an interesting thing for anxiety. If you're somebody who loses the anxiety, I mean I've done a little spulking in my day from time to time. And what I found is that I remember the first time I got fairly deep into a cave, I had the thought like, man my anxiety is really good in here because like the number of things that could kill me has been

drastically reduced. To one big, big one, which is the cave. Well that's the thing, right? The probability wheel has been thinned to a razor's edge, but that razor's edge is terribly real. I have escalated the chance that I will die by something, but I have like very much narrowed the number of things that that could be. Right, you don't have to worry about car accidents in the cave, right? That's gone. I'm always saying this, it's a problem with the cave is when you're in the cave, you're extremely inside the cave and there's just no way around it. Can you wear a big shirt that has a cool logo on the front of it? And maybe we can like, you know, tinker this up in the old lab, but a big shirt that says bear poison on it.

I like that. That's good. Yeah. That's good. What about, I've just picked this from Griffin you saying you're extremely in the cave. What about some kind of harness, right? That is very bungee-esque, but the bungee is very loose until I hit a button and then it just whoops, gets you right out of the cave. Like I'm walking through the cave, maybe I'm like 200 yards into the cave. I've gone through a lot of narrow passages. There's been a lot of low hit. Oh, and what's that? A bear hit the button and I'm out of the cave in like three seconds. Or a bear like noise, which could be anything. Yes. If our dad takes too deep a sigh. Or it could be the Balrog, you know, could be the Balrog. What about a very fucking funny

big Johnson hoodie? Oh, because then if somebody, if you die in the cave and then you die in real life, if you die in the cave, you do die in real life. And if somebody finds your skeleton, they're going to see that hoodie and be like, oh, nice. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. And then when Gollum sees your shirt, he's just brilliant. Okay, how many fucking fantasy creatures live in the cave, Trav? The Balrog and the Gollum. I think they're in that same cave. And the ghosts is Godzilla down there. Do you guys want to hear some slogans from big Johnson t-shirts? Do I? Only cave related ones, please. Yeah, make them cavey. Okay, let me see if there's any big Johnson cave t-shirts. Big Johnson's full of D.

You always go deep in the hole when you got our big Johnson. I just like when the big Johnson shirts got less and less on Tondra and more and more like with big Johnson, you've got a big penis. Yeah. This is like, yeah, the arc is like the big Johnson fishing shirt is it's easy to reel him in when you've got a big Johnson. Okay, the beer pong one is you always get your balls wet when you whip out a big Johnson. Oh, boy. Why would I want that? Who's like, for whom, maybe that happens during whatever you do in the love making act, but for whom is that the fulcrum upon which your sexual desire rests? Oh, man, I just got to get these balls wet. There's also nothing, there is no correlation in beer pong that relates to any kind of big anything element. Yeah. Like

what is the Johnson supposed to represent there, except unless you're saying, while playing beer pong, get your genitals out and put them on the table. You know what I like is big Johnson and it'll have you in a cave and it'll be very hardy boys and underneath it'll say, I still ag might have a big Johnson. That's really good. And that one leaves some room for cause now it's a little mystery as some suspense and they say that that's good. Like if you're trying to meet meet people, you got now you got a conversation started, they come up to you and they say, what the fuck's wrong with your shirt? But why the fuck are you wearing that? You want a mysterious confusing shirt. Did they ever have like an Ouroboros big Johnson shirt that was like a giant

penis wearing a big Johnson shirt that said you might like you always have a big Johnson when you have a big Johnson. And then it just kind of was a stank eating its own shirt. It was just Johnson eating its own Johnson. I want them to be more, I want them to be more confusing and challenging. I want one of the giant from Twin Peaks that says that big Johnson you like is going to come back into style. That's what I, that's what I want. I want them to be real thinkers, you know what I mean? Maybe a shot of like people getting boarding a plane and it says like now boarding zone big Johnson. And you're like, wait, why isn't that first? Wait, what zone is big Johnson? And it's the big Johnson is the last zone. I've read one right now that says big

Johnson landscaping call us when it's time to trim a little bush. Now let's dive in. Let's dive in to what you mean there. Are you like, I would love to edge up shape and manage of some pubic hairs with my genitals, I guess they're still available on Amazon. By the way, fully, you could just just get them, just buy them legally for sale. Big Johnson T shirts for legal sale on, on Amazon. I'm always so happy to be reminded of big Johnson T shirts just so I can think about big dog T shirts as being the tasteful option. Tasteful. Yes. Those are just for big people. That's fine. How, how well do you think big Johnson T shirts are selling these days? I mean, they're selling Amazon. So not great because I can't imagine they're also manufacturing

them, right? They can't, they can't still be, still be making them. I mean, here's another beer porn one that says whip out your balls and let's get foamy. What could you possibly, what could you possibly mean? No, that's, that's for when you go to the doctor after getting your balls wet at the first game and now you're at the doctor like it's foamy. Now it's foam and I don't know. It's all kinds of confusing doc. You have to help me. So the big Johnson boat one, there's a big Johnson boat one. I just want to, this will be the last big Johnson T shirt we talk about. I doubt that that is factually true. That's probably not true. It's okay. It says big Johnson party on my deck, but there's a man standing in front of this, the E with a little

beach ball above his head, who is sort of manufacturing an eye party on my day. One, that is a real stretch. You have abandoned word play at this point to like rebuses. There's someone on the t-shirt that also has a huge confederate flag which is like, why do we have to bring racism? Why can't I just brag about the size of my genitalia? I don't understand why it has to be a racist thing as well. Big Johnson shirts are still out there. This could be a whole fucking show, man. I just found one where it's like a guy, it's the guy and he's carrying an umbrella on a beach and it says, and there's a woman right beneath him and it says, Big Johnson's beach service. We bury that pole where the sun don't

shine. Do you think you're going to put that umbrella in that poor woman's butt? What are you talking about? Oh no. All right, last one. Listen, it's 2019, folks. 2019, the year of our Lord, 2019. You can spend $21.95 of your own good money and get a big Johnson bait shack t-shirt off of Amazon. It says, Big Johnson bait shack. You'll catch a beauty when wiggling a Big Johnson. I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I'm going to lure in the love of my life by wiggling my Big Johnson around. That is a specific kind of person. Easy. It's easy. This is also upsetting. I'm not going to talk about Big Johnson stuff anymore, but it is. Okay, I just found the most specific one I've ever seen. Okay, good, because I got another one. This is for Johnson deep socket

wrenches. Okay, this is the same one I was looking at. Thank you. You'll always get a big nut off when you've got a Big Johnson. Okay, now I want to twist it for you with this same one. I have Big Johnson extra deep socket wrenches, and it says, you'll get your nuts off faster when you're cranking with a Big Johnson. What are you bragging about? I don't understand. The pun is flimsy at best, but like, I don't even know what we're insinuating at this point. Oh my god. Well, hold on, because that contradicts the one I just found that says Big Johnson pizza delivery guaranteed to come in 30 minutes or more. So which one is it? Are you taking over a half an hour to come, or does your dude get your nuts off faster with a Big Johnson? Mine specifically says

when you're cranking it with a Big Johnson, which says to me, the nice thing about this one is you can masturbate very quickly and then get on with your day. You've got other great things to do. Now, I found one here, it's Johnson punchy courts, where it appears that the man in question has tied his Big Johnson to the bridge. And then it says, well, there's certain things you shouldn't do even with a Big Johnson, which I like. I was like, hey, let's, hey, let's draw the line. Don't use your penis as a bungee cord. Or do if you're thinking about buying this shirt, just go ahead and do that. Can we go to the fucking money zone? Yeah, let's go. My first sponsor this week is Big Johnson T-Shirt. This is a sponsored ad, a sponsored

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that look really good. They look really stylish. When you put them on, sometimes they help you see better if you get a good prescription in there. And they have those. They do have prescription lenses. Their glasses started just $95 and those are going to have the good lenses inside of them. You can also get anti-glare, anti-scratch coatings. They got blue light filtering lenses, which is important because blue light is, it stinks. And every time you buy a pair, Warby Parker distributes a pair of glasses to someone in need also. And if you don't know what kind of glasses you like, you take a quiz. And don't worry because it's not like a school quiz. You can't fail this one unless you put in a lot of the wrong answers on purpose and you

get glasses that aren't right for you. So don't do that. Just answer a few questions. You can fail this. Okay. Actually, this is, this is tough. If you don't answer correctly, it's not like one of those Buzzfeed, which Harry Potter are you? This is really do your best. Just answer a few quick questions. They'll suggest some great looking glasses that are personalized to fit your face and your style. I had some Warby Parker glasses in the past and glasses shopping in a store is a fucking living nightmare because you, it's a very important fashion decision and people are going to look at you do it. And that's not great. Warby Parker, you get them? You try them on and you get five pairs of glasses. You try them on for five days. There's no obligation to buy

them. You can just ship them right back if you don't like them or keep the ones you like. It's awesome. So head to warbyparker.com slash my brother. Order your free home try on kit. Again, get five pairs of glasses, try them on for five days. There's no obligation to buy. They ship free and include a prepaid return shipping label. And take the quiz to find out the pair that is perfect for you today. Listen, I'm a hotshot Hollywood movie producer. You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea. Go. All right. It's called who shot you a movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. I'm if you want to wait the new host of the show and a certified bbn bbn buff black nerd. I'm Alonso Duraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who

wrote a book on Christmas movies. I'm Dray Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota. Each week we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. It's like guess who's coming to dinner meets cruising. And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode. I'm sorry. This is a podcast. I'm a movie producer. How did you get in here? Iffy quick, start flexing. Bicep. Lats. Chess. Who shot you? Dropping every Friday on maximumfund.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. I recently moved to a new apartment the other day when I checked my mailbox. I was met with an accordion of coupons for the fancy grocery store in town that I normally don't shop at.

Coupons were addressed to a person who I presume to have been a previous tenant. One with a closer look, I found these are special coupons that contain outstanding deals and are awarded to shoppers who spend a lot of money at the store. I try to live an honest life, but brothers, I want to use these coupons. Is it wrong for me to reap the locally grown fruits that have been sown by the stranger or is this a victimless crime? Should I try to contact this person about their miscellaneous, or have I stumbled upon a gift from the cosmos? That's from grocery gifts in Seattle. It's not a gift from the cosmos. It's definitely not that it is stealing. It's a victimful crime. But here's the thing you have to weigh. And it has nothing to

do with the great deals, the outstanding deals from these special coupons that you've got, that you're really excited about. Don't weigh that as part of the thing at all. The question you need to answer is, do you or do you not want to call the old tenant of your apartment and say, hey, you forgot your coupons. Hey, come on back, though. You forgot your coupons. I moved to North Dakota. No, that's going to be a long way to drive to come get these outstanding coupons. Hey, I just went through all of your coupons. These coupons seem pre-touched. They seem far more outstanding than your average coupon. Now, you got to get back here, man. I will say, though, Griffin, I must disagree in that it is somewhere between a victimful and a victimless

crime. It is like victim neutral, I would say maybe, because I would say, unless there's a mechanic here that I'm missing, when you use that coupon, I don't think there's any way that this previous tenant is going to be like, oh, man, I was going to use that coupon. So you're saying Travis, you're saying some really wild shit, but I want to figure out exactly what flavor. Are you saying that the victim, I don't know better word for it, which doesn't go well, the victim will not get a text message when you artificially use their coupons against the law? Is that what you're saying? Yes. And I'm also saying if that person still goes to the store, I doubt very much that they're going to be like, hey, was I supposed to get any cool coupons?

Okay. The sort of person, you don't watch TV much, but the sort of person who is going to get a huge accordion of super great coupons is the exact person that will go to the grocery store and say, hey, I was supposed to get a bunch of super good coupons in the mail. 100% guaranteed. But I get like bullshit coupons all the time that are just trying to suck at me. These are outstanding deals. Outstanding value, Travis. Well, so just so I'm clear, for you, victimless crime means the victim will never catch you. Well, that's what you're saying. I'm saying, listen, here's why it's a victimless crime. They don't get their super cool coupons. They call the store and they say, how is it supposed to get some super cool coupons? And they never came. And now

they got coupons, you got coupons. Okay. Zodiac, Zodiac murders, victimless crime. Nope. Zodiac murders. Never. Very, very victimful. Did you put that one together? No, I would say, you can't call the store to get a new Zodiac killer victim. So I would say that that qualifies as a victimful crime. You rob a bank, you take someone's money, they're ensured they get the money back, victimless. You're assuming a world where this person's been like, I mean, watching the count, like checking the mail every day for the coupons they think they might are supposed to get. Well, I'm saying if someone sent me a surprise, like a surprise envelope, I was not accepting

with a hundred dollar bill in it, right? But before it ever gets to me, someone confiscates it, takes it, steals it. But I didn't even know I was gonna get the hundred dollars. Did they really steal it from me? I'm in the exact same place I was before. And I didn't even know that there was a hundred dollars coming. I'm just saying it's not the worst as opposed to walking up to someone who's holding a hundred dollar bill dreaming of the things they will buy with it and how it's gonna change their life. And then you pull it out of their hands and you run away with it. I think that's worse. The morality of it isn't determined by how sad it makes someone. Right? I mean, I don't know, Justin. Is it? If there's a trolley heading towards five people on trolley track, but you

can flip a switch to make it go just hit one person. Uh-huh. I feel like Travis would just like not be around that situation. And then it's a victimless crime. I just want to get on this trolley and I'd say no. I'm gonna take an Uber. Yeah, no thanks. Flip this switch. Hey, I want to do the trolley problem to you. And Travis is like, no. No. How about you flip the switch? Yeah. I don't want to flip it. That's a huge decision that I can't possibly make. So, I won't be deciding. But feel free to flip it however you like. I'm just saying, if you take that trolley problem and you say, here's five people, right? And they all suck. And here's one awesome person who does like really cool shit every day. It seems easy to me. I'm not literally gonna

discuss the trolley problem. You're literally not gonna do the trolley problem. I'm saying someone should use these coupons. Someone should use these coupons. If the here is the the fucking silver bullet for this question. It is a single sentence that goes like this. Should I try to contact this person about their missavings? Yes. Like, yeah, that part's yes, right? Like, yes, you should definitely do that. But how hard should you try then, Justin? Let's put it that way. One and done. But what if you don't have the person's contact info? So, you contact your landlord or whatever, and you're like, hey, I need your information. And the landlord's like, I'm not giving you their information. Are you done at that point? Well, you could call the store

if they're really that close to the person. You call them and be like, Dylan's missing. They'll probably know, you know, a family member or somebody who you can get a hold of. If you call and you blow the whistle on yourself, like, I have these coupons that aren't for me, they're just going to deactivate those coupons. You're going to come in and there's going to be a picture of you on every register. It's like coupon thief. Don't let this fucking coupon thief use these coupons to get two cents off of each grape. I want to salt this, salt this stew a little bit and point out that by opening these coupons, you have already committed a felony. Okay. At what point are coupons opened?

I mean, they're open that this person has investigated the outstandingness of the deal. It probably wasn't wrapped up in an envelope, is what I'm saying. So, like, unless what? Unless what? So, you're saying that they got just got mailed a loose pile of coupons? It's an accordion. It's an accordion of coupons. Here's what I'm saying. An unsealed accordion of loose. Here's what I'm saying. It was less. It did not travel through the U.S. postal system. This person is such an important customer. It was hand delivered by a courier from the grocery store, delivering them to, like, important customer by hand, leave it, like, transfer it from a velvet pillow to the mailbox and there's like a coupon for,

like, 125% off your entire order. That's how important this customer is. They will make money by shopping at this store. One organ from any employee. Yes. Take your pick. And just, just letting you know Dillon has the best organs. Dillon's got great. Everyone agrees Dillon is the big Johnson of organs. But by the way, Thuriam was a federal crime. Oh my god, he's right. Pretty sure that using the coupons is a big, a big one. Okay. So if you went to federal prison for illegal use of coupons, just a heads up from me, Travis McRae, don't tell anyone what you're in for. Yeah. Or if you really feel like you can sell the outstandingness of the deals, you may be able to win them over. Just how great. No, you don't understand. I'm talking about 70

cents off Velveeta. I'm talking about two for one lucky charms, all varieties. Like these were outstanding deals. When I get out of here, man, I've got a lot of ketchup waiting for me. In a Watt-U-Nay-Ho. Me and Andy Dufresne are going to have all the ketchup. Every week I've been stealing a little bit of the wardens Velveeta and shipping it to myself. I've been chipping away at a hole in the prison that I keep behind a giant coupon that I had blown up and hung on my wall. That day on the roof, touring, touring it up, I'll never forget listening to music and drinking a big bottle of Old El Paso Salsa. That was 10% off. That was 10% off. It was so delicious. 20% sweeter.

I need a six pack of beer for my men. Okay, fine, I'll go get it. Well, not so fast. Hold on, let me look at my book real quick. Hold on. How do you guys feel about corona? Do you guys like corona? Do you guys? Ooh, you guys like lacroix? I know it's not alcoholic, but how are you? Okay, no lacroix. Okay, go, go, go. Okay, it's 5-5-5. I have a yahoo here. Teresa Senedin. Thanks, Teresa. My wife? Don't, don't, don't. You've got this griffin, don't. It's asked by yahoo answers user Alexis who asks, what happens if you don't do your summer work? Oh, I'm going into eighth grade and it's already three-ish weeks until school and I really don't want to do my summer work. And I don't think I can finish it before school anyway, so I just wanted to know

what would happen if anyone else experienced this. It's a great question and it's also a harrowing sort of look into the past of like what my life would have been like if I had internet access all the way up through primary education because this would have been me. I don't want, I don't want to read the things they carried, so what happens if I don't do that? It is unfair, by the way. Here I am, Travis McRoy, full grown adult, looking back on summer reading and thinking that is mean. That is like if I like, I had like a day off of work and the boss is like, but also you have to work at home. Like, no, it's my day off. It's my summer. Don't make me do homework during summer. So what happens if I don't, if I just say, eh fuck no, no. I'm going to play Fortnite

instead. That's my, that's my summer work is grinding it out and getting some, some boxes with my butts. If you do that, you just have to write a really, really cool report on Fortnite and the teacher's like, listen, I know this wasn't the assignment, but you really blew me away with this Fortnite report you wrote that you titled report night. And I feel like you really poured your heart and soul into it and you're getting an A plus. And from now on all day during class, you can play Fortnite. You could also, and I've seen this and it gets big hits on social, is you're like, go read Red Badge of Courage, write a report about it. You don't have to do that. And your report can just be one line on a piece of paper and say, I'm doing a protest against

war in this, in the book. So I'm protesting the war from this book and you hand, you hand that in. Also, I'll write your report for you for 10 bucks. Travis will just fucking do it, man. Yeah. I'll write it for you. I've read most books that eighth graders had to read. Yeah. Not lots of books, but I'm saying most eighth grade level books. Travis sliced me off a piece of that brave new world. Well, they were at this old world and it sucked. And then they were like, you know what, let's go check out. I heard about a new world. Is that stop, stop, stop. Is that really the opening fucking paragraph of your report? You

dunce. No, I'm going to start with like some kind of hypothesis. Okay. Hello. My name is Phil in your name. I'm not going to write my own name. That's very good. And I would like to tell you today about a very important work that really, and I'm going to go on and on like that for a long time. And that's going to kill like two paragraphs about the impact it had on me. Yeah. Like it really made me think about life and how things could be different, but also the things to stay the same. A lot of that, that's going to kill a lot of it. And then I'm going to give you basically like a two paragraph synopsis that's based off of what I read on Wikipedia. Sure. And then I'm going to come back to you

with another paragraph about like maybe things that, you know, it's made me see that I could do differently in my life. Oh, that's good. How to strengthen my walk with Christ. Give me that paragraph. Yeah. Reading Brave New World really made me think about how I could strengthen my walk with Christ. Because of what in the book? Because I want to be brave in this new world that we call the 21st century. Anyway, here's a full page picture of Aldis Huxley. And the end. There you go. That's basically it. Bridge to Terabithia. Okay. So there was this girl, right? And like, I remember when I met some cool kids that made me think about fantasy worlds, a little thing called Fortnite. And Fortnite was like a bridge to a fantasy world for me,

where I could be myself and scream obscenities at adults. A living vacuum cleaner with a rifle for an ass. It really made me think a lot about, I don't know, I think she was sick in the book or something. But anyway, she beeps it. Like she definitely, she definitely beeps it. And she didn't come back unlike my character in Fortnite. She she beefed it. Not unlike the 99 competitors I had in that one very special game of Fortnite that I won this summer. That finally made my older brother proud of me. Ironically, one of them did fall off a big bridge. Take it to the bank. Georgia Orwell's Animal Farm has the courage to ask us, what if animals could play Fortnite? It's a metaphor, but nobody knows what for. Hello, welcome to my book report for 1984 at night.

Oh, God. Okay, well, we're done. This is a podcast. This is a podcast that you willingly listen to. We can't week out. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry. There's, there's 36 of these dang things. That's what she found in her study of the stars called number the stars for Griffin McElroy. The Giver, more like the taker of points from kills in Fortnite. Each word is on a different page that meets the member requirements. I will take my A. Hey. Hey, Eric, can I talk to you in my office for a second? Oh, yeah. This is about how I wrote all my papers about Fortnite. I guess. Hey, Eric, can you be honest with me? Have you ever played Fortnite? I love Fortnite. I love. Hey, Eric, it's just you and

me here, buddy. You can be honest. I read the books. Yeah, man. You collect all the diamonds and you get to go into, you turn into supersonic. I love books. I love books so much. I love books so much. I read little women twice. This is, this has been our podcast. We're Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy, but we have a lot of podcasts that we do. You can find them all at McElroy.family and there's lots of other stuff we make, merchandise and tours and all that good stuff. So if you, if you like what you hear here, go check that website out, bookmark it, check it out frequently. Real quick, also at McElroy.family, you can check out our upcoming tours. Now, listen, folks, this isn't me blowing smoke or bragging. Here it goes. Here it goes.

Most of them dang things is sold out. I believe the Adventure Zone show in Atlanta is now sold out, but I believe there are also limited seats available for the My Brother, My Brother and Me show in Atlanta on the 31st and the MBMD AM show in Orlando on September 1st. And then we have some tickets left for the September 25th Washington DC Adventure Zone. And then I believe the rest of the dang things are sold out. So get your tickets for those shows I mentioned if you haven't already. Also, speaking of Atlanta, this weekend when you hear this, Dad and I are going to be doing some events at DragonCon. We're going to post links to that and schedules for that both at TravisMcElroy.com and at McElroy.family, but we'll be there Thursday, Friday and Saturday. So

come to those if you want to and I'll see you there. Thanks to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for using our theme song It's a Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Great jamms, great tunes. Going to love it. Going to get it. Go get it. Buy it. And listen. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to MaximumFun.org. Check out all the great shows there. Mission to Zix and freaking Switchblade Sisters and Jordan Jesse Go and stop podcasting yourself and Flophouse and a bunch more on Maximum Fun.org. Oh, I just did. Last week I did an episode of Titan Fights where we talked about the new season of Glow. So if you want to talk about Glow for like 45 minutes, go check it out. How about that final yahoo? Yes. Yes. Every week on Mumbin Man,

we have a final yahoo that we talk about, then we come back and we, you know, solve it. Several people sent this in. It's anonymous yahoo. Nope. Their name is Graham. Graham asks, Who invented paper? It's great. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Where on the lips? Hi, I'm Dave Hill from Show Business. And while I'm not from Canada, my grandfather, Clarence Vincent Blake Sr. was, and he wouldn't shut up about it. My grandfather moved on to that great penalty box in the sky way back in the 80s. Still,

all these years later, I can't help but wonder, what do we really know about Canada and its people? Which is why my friend Chris Gersbeck and I decided to make So You're Canadian.