My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 475: Edchup

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

For millennia, mankind has searched for what could be universally considered the worst, yuckiest, most profane, most inscrutable condiment to ever exist, or ever would exist, forever and ever. We’re pleased to announce: The search is over. Suggested talking points: Joker Watch, Pennysweets, Flesh Bottle, A New Possum Kingdom, Briefcase Use Case, Hummus Smuggler

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? This is not a special episode. So send in the clown-na, this October the clown-na, the one clown, the clown that we're all so wild about, and America wants to know, where is this guy from? Who is this clown prince of crime? Who is this clown prince of crime from? This guy with his wild clown face and his pinch

for mischief. He's got a bag full of tricks. Everybody wants to play this clown one. Everybody gets one turn on the clown. They realized, okay, we let Jack be the clown of the Joker for a little bit, and then we passed it on, and he did it so good, and then they were like looking at the list of all the actors that are. They're like, oh, fuck, we're going to have to pick this up if we're going to get through everybody. I will say, Joaquin Phoenix wrote the best essay about why he should be the next clown, and so he got to do it. He did a 3,000-word essay, and it was perfect, no more, no less. It was right at 3,000 words, and he even drew some illustrations, and that really helped,

you know, and kind of put them over the top. My brother, my brother, me, this is Joker Watch. Hey, my name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy's Joker Watch for my brother, my brother. This is Joker Watch, but the thing that I want to say about New Joker Trailer is not one good joke in it. No, it's not really funny. It doesn't seem funny. It's weird because it's about a clown who usually does japes. It's funny, but I see this clown, man. He just seems angry. He seems hurtful, and there's a scene in a subway where a bunch of clowns are hurting a guy, and it's like, is this that jackass humor? Because I thought we were done with that. I want to suggest that at this point, it would actually be more subversive and interesting

if a clown was funny. Like, if a clown did jokes and was funny, that would actually be more original an idea than the spooky clown. Okay, here's my pitch for an origin movie for the Joker. It's going to be like an hour and 45 minutes long, right? 105 minutes. And for, let's say, 103 minutes, he is just a hilarious, effective clown. Right. In the last two minutes, he just like sits down for a second and goes, you know what? I think I'm going to start doing crime. Roll credits. That's pretty good. We could just take, or reverse that shit. End of the dark night, Heath Ledger's Joker, we like CGI it or whatever, so that at the very end, the climax, the two boats don't explode or whatever. And he's like, I'm just a dog chasing a car. And then Batman like

helps him up from where he fell down. And he sits down, but he sits down on a pie. Yes. And Batman laughs and it makes the Joker feel good. Everyone just cracks the hell up. Because he sat on a pile like a clown would do it. And he's like, wait, this is more fun. But then he will have a hard time booking gigs at first. Because he'll come in and say, hey, I would like to, you know, maybe do some slapstick jokes at your office Christmas party. And they're going to say, no, you killed a bunch of people. You blowed it up. You blew it up. The last party that you went to. So I don't think so. But then he will also have a hard time adjusting because he'll be doing his set sitting on pie, sitting on another pie. And then he will cut someone's face. He'll be like,

shit, that's right. That's not part of the act anymore. I'm so sorry. Can someone have a pie? Please confirm to me that Jared Leto does not know about this movie still because we all promise we would not tell him. And I haven't personally told him that at all. No, I want to make sure everybody else called me yesterday. And he said, okay, there's people talking about like a joke. And I said, no way. No, you don't have to. And then they dropped the trailer. And I was like, I thought we talked about this. I thought we all agreed we were going to publicize this movie at all. Guys, he got a fucking tattoo on his face that says damaged. And he can't undo that. He can probably change it to like

damaged. Yeah, if he gets really into making jam, sure. Which film by director Todd Phillips, uh-huh. The director of Joker has you more confident about Joker. The Hangover part three or Starsky and Hutch between the two, which one would you say makes you feel better about both Joker? Both is a good answer. Which makes me think that maybe this is one of those cases where the trailer does not do the movie justice. And they just seem to have just picked the least funny parts of the whole movie. Right. And maybe there's like a funny bit where like, there's a part where the Joker is like looking at, maybe the Joker is looking at a bad guy that he's trying to arrest. And he's just saying like, do it, do it, do it. And he's doing like a really

funny kind of Ben Stiller thing. Or maybe there's a part with a monkey. Yes. Yeah. And they just, they were like, we can't put that in the trailer out of context. It won't make any sense. He's at the old man's funeral. And they're playing dust in the wind. And it's like, that's my boy blue. I love that. And maybe he's accidentally taken some cocaine that he thought was sugar. Oh, okay. I'm a pitch. I'm a pitch for this film that it starts out that he's not funny. And they decide he's going to be the Joker. So he watches every Todd Phillips movie back to back. There's like a montage where he's hitting old school, Starsky and Hutch road trip, hangover, hangover two, hangover three, due date. He's hitting them all. And then he's like, now I'm funny.

Cause I know all of these jokes. Those are all Todd Phillips movies. Yes. Okay. All Todd Phillips. I am now honestly, uh, just going to step out of the bit here for a second to say, I Travis McRoy, real person, am confused as to why you directed the Joker movie. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of got at that emotion through humor, but you've gone at it at a different direction with sort of a literal declaration of your Joker movie. I don't do humor anymore. You're as funny as the Joker. Does Batman even appear in this movie? I don't even think Batman's in it. He's not in the credit so far as Batman. He's not listed as Batman. I would love though, if, I mean, we're making it

up, right? Why can't he kill Batman in this one? Yeah. One where he just can't watch out because I did not bang dead. Joker killed him. Joker killed Batman in this one. Yeah. Do y'all think Jared Leto is still going to cut up and send some pranks to the, to the set of this Joker movie? He's not in it. He's going to cut up, send some dead fish and some funny jokes and like a tampon or whatever. He's so fucking nasty. Walking to prep for this was, all right, first you got to go to Jared Leto's prank school and Jared Leto like came and kidnapped him in the middle of the night and took him to prank school. It was nice. It was nice. It was honestly, they have a great campus. The caverns area is lovely and they have teachers with real world experience. So I love that.

Yeah. And you know, tuition, reasonable. I don't know. I'm supposed to find Joker scary if I have seen Walking Phoenix get pooped on in a different movie. That's a good point. That's pretty funny, actually. Am I the Joker? You just become the joke. You'll get your turn. You got away. Everybody you were on TV for six episodes. So like you'll get your turn. Yeah. Let me, I'm checking the list here. Ooh, your turn is not until 2433. All right. Better eat my vitamins. This is an advice show. We help people and we're going to start doing that right now. I work in a bookstore and my co-worker is, I should warn you guys just as an alert because we do like to be honest about this stuff. I am standing for this episode. That's not a challenge. It's not a threat.

You couldn't pay me to stand again. Yeah. I'm letting you know I got the standing power. In case I feel like really, if I'm coming on too strong or too funny, please let me know. I work in a bookstore and my co-worker is by far the nicest person alive. See, I normally would have just taken that a little more low key. Yeah. Since I'm standing, I'm like, but I mean, whenever he is particularly happy or having a good day, he buys some of the 80 cent caramels we sell at the front desk and distributes them to his friends and coworkers. I received many of these caramels from him. And while this would not normally be a problem, the caramels themselves are terrible, but I can't think of a way to turn him down without coming off as an asshole.

He often waits excitedly for me to take a bite and I'm left making excuses, scrolling these not sweets away until I can throw them out in secret. Brothers, how do I tell my co-worker I don't want his caramels without making things awkward and that's for make it stop in Milwaukee. My advice, get Invisalign's like I have. Oh yeah. I can just completely do away with any spontaneous treat whatsoever. That's so fucking good, Travis. Here, take this caramel. That is a really good answer. I can't and I'd have to go through a whole process and take out my plastic teeth in front of all of these human beings and then we'd have to clean up all those vomits everywhere. And guess what? You don't even have to have

Invisalign. They'll walk up and say have this caramels and I'll say I have Invisalign and they'll say I'm looking at your mouth right now and I don't see them and you're like then they're working. Thank you. Thank you. They're discreet. As somebody who just went on a beach vacation with Travis, this line is bullshit. He will leave his plastic teeth literally everywhere. I will. Yes, no hesitation. I'm a monster. But I'm saying maybe you are not a monster and they would say like yes, that is what a conscientious person would say. I just, I know. A sense for a caramel? Back in my day, a penny. Penny for those things. I'm just saying. A penny for caramels? Yeah. Well, when Travis

worked at the Penny Suites factory. Yes. Right. And I'd stole a lot of them. That's probably what raised the price. Yeah. Caramels are the worst candy. And I think we're all on the same page about that. No way. Are you kidding me? Hard caramels or soft caramels are the worst? Well, the ones that really make you work for it. Like I'm not going to work for what is essentially like bad chocolate. Like I'm not going to chew it up and get my fillings all fucked up and you know, just for the, I'm on my juice. I don't know if you know this. I'm on my adult teeth. I don't have any, I don't have any more ones coming after these. You've lost your milk. You've lost your milk teeth. I've lost my milk. Man's teeth. Yeah. I think, well, okay. The worst candy is black

licorice. Wrong. Bored with that. Incorrect. No, you're wrong. I love black licorice. The second worst candy is the black and orange tasteless lumps that you get at Halloween for mean people. Those are very bad. Those are my top two worst candies. Okay. For sure. What do you, but what do you say? Oh, here comes nice coworker. Oh, nice coworkers walking up. Oh, look at that. It's got a handful of them 80 cent care. He spent $40 on 80 cent caramel so he could pass them out to the employees and his friends. Oh, that's so nice. Oh, here you go, Justin. An 80 cent caramel for you, my friend, because I'm having a great day. I would like to watch you enjoy it. Okay. The problem take a bite, Justin. Justin. Bite the sweet. Bite the chewy. I will bite the sweet. I enjoy the

caramel. I enjoy it. You're not going to, you're not going to trip me up on this. I'm loving it. What I'm suggesting is a lot of the time with this show, people come to us after it's too late, because if you've taken the caramel once, then you're right, because the next time, the second time you say, I don't like the caramel, please don't get it near me, you've already taken one. And that, and every time you've done that, you've made this weirder and weirder and weirder. If you had just said the first time, I don't like it, the caramel. Yeah, you keep it. I can't fix this for you, folks. You got to, you got to just tell people when you don't like it, the caramel. I'm still waiting for you to bite the caramel. Like,

yeah, bite that. Yes, I, I bite the caramel out of Travis's hand and lick his palm like a fucking horse. How was it? Chewy and real. Travis, do me, do my, do me. Okay. Al Griffin, I brought you this nice caramel, please do this. Oh, fuck yeah. These are my fake, ah, shit. I dropped it down that storm drain that I'm standing on top of. Oh, here's another one. Oh, thank you. Ah, real bubber fingers over here. I dropped it. Well, that's a dollar 60 so far. Pennywise is like, hell, yes, keep them coming. It's all down here. You could buy all of them before, you know, the building opens or whatever and dump them all down the storm drain. No matter what, these things are going in the fucking storm drain. But then Pennywise starts

using those to lure kids into the drain and that's on you. It's 2019. He will get no kids. It's caramels. Kids are now woke as hell and they hate caramel as they should. They're not going to get tricked. They only like Japanese weird flavored Kit Kats. Yes, that's it. That's what's hot right now. Can I do it again? No, only caramels? Call me when you got some matcha flavored Kit Kats. Yes. How about a Yahoo? Yes. This is what I'm sending by Graham Robach. Thanks, Graham. It's Yahoo Answers user Jim who asks, can you dry a hat in an oven? Obvious answer is no. But is there another answer? Can we turn that into more of a yes shape?

I think if you crank the oven and leave it open, it would probably be okay. I think if you crank the oven up high, it can't catch fire. Okay, wait, let me back up. Okay. We have a lot of fun here and I know we have a disclaimer that our friend Bob Ball did and we've had that for 10 years. Don't do this thing. Yeah. Don't put your hat in the oven. But if you did, I think it'd be fine if you left it open. I don't see how bad things could get if the oven was open, right? Yeah. No, I mean it would still probably be pretty bad. Could you make your house hot if you left the oven? Okay, this is nothing. We can't even begin to suggest. I've had to heat my house with an oven before. Yes, that will work. Okay, it's doable. Cool, cool, cool. Can you just set the

oven to like 100 degrees? Let's set it to half. Okay. Oh, here we go. Hey, plastic melts at 212 degrees. Say your oven at 200. You are golden. Assuming you're wearing a fucking like baseball helmet. Is that Celsius or Fahrenheit, Travis? That's Fahrenheit. 212 degrees Fahrenheit. That's the boiling temperature of water too. Isn't that weird? Why would that be? Maybe because there's water in plastic? Is there? Man, we're so smart. That's when fucking Adams just give up because they're lazy pieces of shit. Yeah. What about an easy baked oven? That would be... Shut up your hat in there. So funny because it's really small. You're never going to get... They have become so safe. My daughter has one. They've become so safe at this point that you need

like a special tool to slide the thing into the thing. They don't open anymore. You slide them into a tray and then use another special tool to get them out the other end. There is no way you're getting a hat in there. Guaranteed. I think I could get a hat in there. Travis, you're not going to get a hat in there. Just let him fucking try. Let me put a hat in your daughter's easy baked oven. Please. Can you bring it on to her? Okay. Run the holidays. Come on down. You can put a hat in there. Oh yeah. I'm going to turn this into the next hot viral video. Travis putting his money where his mouth is. No, I've got it. It's going to be hard because it's not like 1997 anymore. But you need that Ron Popeal dehydrator shit. You got a wet hat? You got to dry that hat?

Dehydrator? That seems like the perfect way to dry a hat because you're going to get the hydrate out of it. This is a fun little setup we're doing where you look at every appliance in your house and then you move their functions one appliance to the left. So like a toaster but to make soup. A toaster to make soup. We're going to need to put some sort of toaster proof bag in there. Yeah. And then we're going to take the waffles. We're going to put those in the hairdryer. And baby, I hope you got some time on your hands. Free your hair. A waffle iron. Hello. Hello. Are you listening? Yes. Waffle iron. Hello, Mayfly for the waffle iron. Are you kidding me? The VCR. Yeah. Okay, now what for the VCR, Griffin? This one's going to be tough.

This is the beta max player. This one's going to be tough. A big magnet? Big magnet. To suck all the movie out of it. A friend who's already seen the movie. That's my favorite appliance. This is my friend, Jeff. I couldn't live without him. He tells me how all the movies end. You can dry a hat in an oven. You can dry a hat in an oven. You can wash a hat in a dishwasher. You can dry a hat in an oven. You shouldn't. You can. You shouldn't. You must. You shall. You can't. You did. I'm saying you can't. Is it up to me? If it's up to me, you can't. No, you have to pan fry it. Now, let's, let's hedge our bets here. Let's hedge our bets here. Can you put a little bit of garlic powder and oregano on the hat before it goes in the oven?

Best case scenario, you get your dry hat. Worst case scenario is still a delicious hat. A delicious, you can put some Cajun season, a nice blackened hat. And it's like, well, that was my favorite hat. It was my lucky hat that my grandpa gave me the day of the big fire. Which is ironic, but I guess now the flavor is out of this world. Not in the first block. What the fuck? I want a munch. I want to munch. I don't know how to follow along.

Boys, Justin is so weird in this one. A munch squad is a podcast within a podcast. Celebrating the latest and greatest in quick service dining. Today, we are going to take a little bit of a pivot. Heinz ketchup is technically kind of a fast food staple, but this is not a specific fast food item. We've talked about a few different permutations of sauces before because we know that the Heinz company, I like it to get nasty. You remember purple ketchup? Who gave them the fucking rights? We're going to get a little bit wider than that today. This was sent to me by Catherine Bonham. Very good. Thank you, Catherine. And here's the headline, folks. Ed Sheeran's Heinz

tattoo is now a limited edition ketchup bottle. Again, again, again. I'll take you one more trip, but it's going to be another nickel. Ed Sheeran's Heinz tattoo is now a limited edition ketchup bottle. Can I squeeze Ed Sheeran's arm and get ketchup out of it? Because that's what that sentence means. If you break this sentence down, literally, what it is saying is that Mr. Sheeran got onto Game of Thrones and then made his tattoo have the ability to distribute ketchup to the people. That is, of course, not what is happening here. What is happening here is a limited edition bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup. Boys, I'm going to send you a quick picture. Anybody who would like to can find this for themselves. I'm sure it would not be a challenge.

Hold on one moment. It will be challenging. Challenging spiritually for you, but not a challenge. Literally, here comes the picture of, and what will be kind of nice is it's just going to look exactly like you expected to. It's going to be 100 percent what you are envisioning when I say a ketchup bottle milked from the tattoo of Ed Sheeran. What you've got is a bottle of Heinz that has Ed Sheeran's skin. It looks like his skin. It looks like what you expect when you see the necronomicon and it's bound in human flesh. It's just kind of his arm sleeve tattoo with definitely pale skin underneath it. This is the wildest shit. Yes, Griffin. Yes, that's a good way of putting him. It is the wildest shit. They didn't make a

lot of these. He only has so much flesh. I should mention also that this comes in a box that looks like an amplifier and it has a little pick in there. I'm sure Mr. Sheeran approves of. This is a great pick, but this is Ed Sheeran X Heinz Tomato Ketchup Tattoo Edition. That's what we're calling this one, is Ed Sheeran X Heinz Tomato Ketchup Tattoo Edition. Ed Sheeran's a huge fan of Heinz ketchup. There's 150 bottles of this across the world signed by Ed and they are already being lapped up. You could win them in a drawing with a charity donation and you could win them and then I guess sell them on eBay. I've seen reports that they've gone as high as $1,800. It's also worth $1,800 for this special ketchup. That better be some damn

good tasting ketchup. It's called Ed Chip. They call it Ed Chip. Fuck man, this is dark. Pretty dark. This is always an extremely dark segment, but he got this tattoo in 2012 to commemorate a tour and it commemorated the tour and his love of ketchup and now Heinz is working with Ed Sheeran to make a bottle out of his tattoo. It's the most recursive thing I've ever heard of. He got a tattoo of the label of the Heinz ketchup bottle and Heinz said, oh cool, we're going to make a label out of your tattoo of the label of the Heinz ketchup bottle and then we're going to put what looks like skin wrapped around a bottle full of what could be blood. So this is the blood of your skin bottle and we're selling it and we're selling it. I want to send

you guys one more picture and you can also find this picture at home if you want to play along. We don't use a lot of visual aids in this show, but this is such a challenging story. There's a picture of Ed holding up his ketchup bottle and clearly it's been photoshopped into his hands because no one knew what the bottle looked like. 100% and I want you to know something, listener, if you don't want to see this picture and I don't blame you, it's fucking gothic. Ed Sheeran's eyes as he's holding this bottle of the ketchup based on his skin are the blackest things I've ever seen. It's whole black eyes like it's all eyes, terrifying, empty, bottomless, pit, soulless. This is a man who has clearly seen the end of the tunnel.

And in the end we are all just ketchup bottles. What's great is that you can zoom in all the way on his face and it crops the ketchup bottle out of it, but you can still see the top of his hand so you can play a game where you imagine what he's holding that's making him have that face. For me, in my mindscape, it's his own tombstone. It's an urn containing the ashes of a beloved pet. This is the worst thing I've seen about Ed Sheeran in my entire life and I heard him sing a duet with Alexa this week. Ed, do you need my help, Ed? I will come for you. Are you doing all right, Ed?

You've gone too deep, Ed. Ed. I know this fame thing was really fun in the beginning. You started to be like, oh man, this is great. Everybody wants to give me money for my music. How bad could this be? And now your skin is wrapped around a tomato bottle, tomato bottle, ketchup bottle, and you probably feel bad. At this point you probably feel like a mockery of yourself. I can get you out of it. I can make you disappear, Ed. Give me a call. I'll get you out of this, Ed. I owe you for that thing in Boca. I'll get you out of this. The what's wild is that Ed Sheeran is not someone whose star is falling. Ed Sheeran is at the height of his powers. This means that when Ed Sheeran was Eddie Sheeran sitting on

his grandfather's lap around the piano, his grandfather said, you know, if you keep playing this way, you'll get to be a big star. And Eddie said, yeah, grandpa. And his grandpa said, what will you do with that incredible power and fortune? And Eddie said, put my fucking skin on a ketchup bottle. And then his grandfather had a heart attack. But you know what? I do respect it. That is an incredible abuse of your power. And I do respect it. Now, if someone asked me right now, would you guys do on my brother and my brother and me theme ketchup bottle, the answer would be fuck yes, like fuck yes, we would obviously this is let's let's divide and conquer here. If you had to have your flesh on the bottle of a product, which product would

you choose to have your flesh on? Hmm. Probably skin lotion. Oh, that's no, is it a sauce? Is that what we have? I mean, it can be whatever man, whatever is a container? I think it has to be a sauce. I'm going to narrow it to a sauce. Your question is too broad. Well, if you think about it, lotion is like human sauce. Yeah. No, it's like a human marinade. That's nothing but I'll allow it because I'm not that interested to hear what else you have Griffin sauce. I'm going to say no, come back to me. Cholula chili lime. Can I go again? Yeah, you can have one more chance. But don't say Cholula chili garlic. I'm taking the entire Cholula hot sauce line. I'm going to take some malt vinegar.

I like to put that shit on my fish and chips, gov. Got an old bastard. Griffin sauce me, baby. I'm going to say an old bottle of Marmite that you don't want to eat. Like you, nobody wants to, even if you like Marmite, this bottle is so old, you're not going to go near it. And then that way you don't have to interact with my flush bottle. I don't want that for you. Did you guys know that the fact that this exists and I can't buy it is the worst part? Did you know that? I suspect it as much. Yeah. All right. If I'm ever going to afford to ball all this stuff, then we've got to head on over to the money zone. We have to head to several money zones if you're going to buy one of these in the black market. Fair, yeah.

Casper is the bad one that has a spooky name for Halloween, but don't be afraid. Lay on down. It's comfortable. What's that a skeleton? Just kidding. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McRoy for my brother and my brother and me, and I'm here to talk to you about Casper, the mattress one. They have new hybrid mattresses that combine the pressure relief of their award winning foam with durable yet gentle springs. Here's the problem. Their foam did win an Oscar. It has nothing to do with sleep quality. I just want to get that out to say that clear. And the durable yet gentle springs won a Latin Grammy. This new innovation offers the best of both worlds, luxurious comfort and resilient support. The hybrid collection offers elevated lift support.

That's in quotes and I don't know why. Increased airflow for cooling durability for all body types and enhanced edge support. You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. That's a fun play on words because it's a mattress. I get it. The reason Lift is in quotes, Griffin, is because one in every thousand will make you float above the bed like in Ghostbusters, but they can't say that because they don't want to disappoint the other 999 people. What happens to this? They just call it lift action, but that's what the increased airflow is. There's too much air. So get $100 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com slash brother and using brother at checkout. That's Casper.com slash brother and

use my brother at checkout using brother at checkout terms and conditions apply. You can also use it if you need me to help you. Do you need a reference for your Casper purchase? Because I know you're good for it. Yeah, I can help you check out. Now listen, you bought yourself a new mattress. Nice. What are you going to do? Sleep on that mattress with nothing on it? No, don't be absurd. You're going to get some bowl and branch sheets because everything bowl and branch makes is designed with your comfort in mind. And I'm pointing directly at you. They're thinking about your body and how best to make you comfortable. They use 100% pure organic cotton. They're signature soft sheets to cozy throws to plush towels.

Oh, I love their towels. Their towels are amazing and like a good bath towel size. They're really nice. I use another towel for my butt. I've talked about this before. I don't want to use my nice bowl and branch towel for my butt. I'll use this nickel for its towel for that one. The bowl and branch products have thousands of five-star reviews. People are at the heart of everything bowl and branch does from the farmers who grow their organic cotton to people who sleep on their sheets at night. Cotton, they have a no risk 30 day trial and free shipping in the U.S. Return them if you don't love them. I'm thinking about it now

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Cotton boy is nothing. Cotton vine brings up the plant. I think it's lost to time. Are we the only one? No, we can't be the only ones who remember it, right? We may be the only ones who ever it may just be us who saw it in our joint mind. God, I miss vine. Boy, I miss vine. If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try The Beef and Dairy Network. It won best comedy at the British podcast awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I love. There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s. Specialist Bovine Arsvet, both of his eyes are squid's eyes.

Yogurt buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Farm raised snow leopard. Downloaded today. That's The Beef and Dairy Network podcast from maximumfun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or weirdly episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show. Here is another question from our dear listeners. I'm a wildlife technician with a pest control company. Customers hire me to remove wildlife from their property. I don't believe that possums are a pest species,

so I've been keeping the ones I catch and releasing them in the woods behind my house. I've been doing this for so long that there's a noticeable increase of possums in my neighborhood. There are so many that my neighbors have recently called my company to hire someone to come remove them. It is now my job to remove all the possums that I've been bringing home for several years. The bad hunter has become the hunter. What can I do with all these possums? That's from Possum Protector. I gotta say, I really struggle with really science-heavy ones like this one. Like this question. And I think we're all out of our league vis-a-vis animal biology,

uh, possum anatomy. While I call up a dear friend and creator of XKCD, Randall Monroe, on the horn, and we'll see if, okay. He did give us his business card, he said, in case of possum. I was trying to type. That's Griffin Scott keyboard. Oh, hey Griffin. Oh, hey Randall, hold on, I'm gonna patch you in. Shh, shh, shh, shh. You're on, you're on with all of us now Randall. Thanks for joining us for this, uh, this, this

query. Oh, no, thanks for having me. Randall, we got possums again. Yeah, we got the possum problem we talked to you about several times. We always come to you with possum issues. No, I'm happy to help. What I don't understand, it doesn't, it doesn't sound like there's a big problem here. Randall, why don't you think this is a problem because it seems very serious to me, someone who hates possums. Well, so it seems like this person has a company to remove possums from areas and they've, and they've moved possums to a neighborhood and now the people in that neighborhood want them to, want to pay them to remove the possums so they can just do this again. Move the possums to a new neighborhood. It kind of sounds like

embezzling. I'm not like a one to one kind of thing, but definitely some of it, there's some sort of embezzling going on here and let me first say, listen, both because it needs said and because I don't want to get the tweets. Yes, possums are great. They help with pest control. They look a little freaky, but all in all, they're pretty chill and they're not there. Listen, there's way worse out there. Don't get me started about armadillos. Am I right? Travis, list off all the animals you hate and think should be gone from the earth. Randall, what's worse, rodents or spiders? I don't know. I think if you're walking down a hallway at a very poorly kept factory and you turn to the your left and you see one, well, okay, one very big spider and sort like a rat-sized

spider because I don't want size to figure into it. So you're a rat-sized spider and a spider-sized rat. Oh, now I like him. Which way are you running? Are you running towards the rat or towards the spider? The rats can bite through things. True. They've got those giant teeth. I don't know. You know, I think I feel like my one thing is I worry about rabies, but I can't remember off the top of my head if rats in the wild ever carry rabies. So I think I would stand there trying to google on my phone, do rats carry rabies? And I'd still be doing that when they both bite me from either side. I don't have great service in here. I'm just gonna hold up my phone into the air to try to get a better signal and google. This is great. So your left leg gets bitten, bitten, bitten by

the big spider. Your right leg gets bitten, bitten, bitten by the big rat. You have time before you inevitably die. Like your heart explodes 11 seconds later. Make sure you yell as loud as you can. Like, the rat one hurts more. Yes. Oh, yeah. Like that guy, like that guy who got stung by all the different insects and made a scale for how bad it was. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Important data to contribute. You, you asked, like, you, there was possum, you went and caught the possum and you're like, come back to my house. And then you drove the possum to your house and you're like, here, you can hang out here. And then you come back later and you're like, hey, get back in the box. I was wrong. Yeah. You can't stay there. Am I not a roommate, Doug? Huh? I'm, I might have the rent.

No, those are just like pine cones and like dead bugs. Yeah, it's not good. It's not mining. I feel like I was trying to think how many possums are in this, uh, in this, there are in this scenario and whether or not he, you know, the, the question has to, could just set up a, like an area for the possums and be like, well, I guess I run a possum sanctuary now, where it's like cordoned off from the neighbors. To save them from poachers. Yes. The one making all their possum skin hats. Yeah, they want their, they want their precious tusks. I think that, that what this question illustrates for me, uh, and I'd love to get Randall's thoughts on it as a, as a, uh, a web comic author and regular real author of all,

of a different, of real books who I'm assuming is very busy. There are people who have enough free time to really impact and interact with the outside world in a way that is kind of bewildering to me. Do you know how many possums I would have to see confronting me in my day to day life before I'd be like, I've got to do something about this. If I see eight possums outside and be like, oh, fuck, damn, okay. Well, I'll stay in here. Fine. It's so wild to me that people would notice a statistical uptick. Possums would be like, I gotta address this problem. Really? Do you? Yeah. Well, I think that in an area like a, uh, a smallish neighborhood can probably support, uh, I found a thing saying that the usually get like five or 10 possums at most per square

kilometer. So like a medium neighborhood is probably not going to have more than five or 10 possums. So if this person has released like 200 possums, I mean, not even, not even to mention like, Randall, you would have a better idea of this, but with your science knowledge, the disruption to this, you know, fragile bio that is in this neighborhood. Like it's not just that there's 200 possums. Like now it's, I mean, I don't know, less. What do possums eat? Snakes? Apparently everything. They're not mongooses. They kind of are. Possums are immune to most snake venom. So cool. Yeah. So they'll eat plants, garbage, meat. I was checking the, the, to see how much, because they don't eat as much as, uh, mammals. And so, uh, but it looks like the,

the, uh, an adult, like the possums they have here in America will eat about a like half a Snickers bar worth of calories a day. So what a fun metric. How many Pringles worth? You, what Randall, you, what you have suggested with your back of the napkin math here vis-a-vis, uh, uh, uh, the possum population density is that maybe when you go to take one of the possums, the other possums will be like, fucking thank you. There are Snickers for me. There's so many of us here. You've put so many of us here, fucking take Reggie. He sucks. Goodbye. Oh yeah. We need to turn this into a survivor-esque, like, poll the possums. You, you're incredibly friends with them. Which possums should I get rid of? And they're like,

you know, stink eye Joe, stink eye Joe is bad news. So we don't like him. Uh, he brings down priority values. We're going to get him out of here. He never mows the lawn. Yeah. Apparently they have trouble walking too far, um, because they run out of energy. I mean, they need to eat more Snickers. Yeah, exactly. Well, so they'll need a Snicker, they'll need like a Snickers every, I think it's like kilometer and a half, or they just, okay, or, or else they're just not themselves. We got it. We got it. We got it. Fun size Snickers. And you're going to lay them out in a radial fan-like pattern away from the core cluster of, of, of this, uh, this new biome that you've created. And each one, each possum is going to follow each beam, if you will, each Snicker beam,

and you're set. And then it's, then it's God's problem. And why is there this weird migration almost explosion of, they're going to have to call us a Snicker bar removal technician to come and take the Snickers right away? I think that is just a possum. Um, Randall, now that we've solved this problem, uh, tell us about your new book. Oh, uh, my new book is a guide to, uh, it's called How To, Absurd Scientific Advice for Common Real World Problems. And it's a guide to really bad, but scientifically interesting ways to solve normal household problems. Like if you're, uh, if you're moving, uh, packing is a lot of hard work. So I work through the calculations on how to attach jet engines to the side of your house, lift it up into the air and fly it to its destination.

What was the verdict on that? You, uh, probably can't make it for more than, uh, about 100 miles before you're going to run out of fuel. I mean, I'm just moving across town. Yeah, yeah, then, then sure, go wild. You don't need the wide load permits either. So that's one of the advantages. Well, I do, I do for planes. Yeah, well, but you've just got to deal with the FAA instead of like every, you know, place that has a bridge. Yeah. Now, did you include in there a script of how to call the FAA? Because I'd probably need to deal with that. Like, hey, look, I'm looking, I'm looking at my house. Okay, we're not the right people. I mean, maybe it's one of the situations where you're better off asking for forgiveness than permission. You're seeing up because I'm kind

of doing a more badass version of that. Uh, that book will be out September 3rd in fine bookstores everywhere. People can pre-order it and nasty and the nasty bookstores and all the gross. Yeah, the scummy, the scummy bookstores like B Dalton. They're not excellent. Uh, Randall Monroe, thank you so much for, um, uh, coming onto our podcast. And I think everybody should buy your book. Oh, thank you so much. And thanks for having me. I'm a huge fan. Thank you. You should have opened with that. It would have changed the tenor. Should we try it again? Because we've been, there's been a little hostility. Yeah. Sorry? Uh, thanks. I wish everybody ended their guess for a segment with sorry, thanks.

Uh, I have a yahoo here I would love to do. Do it. Okay. This one was sent in by, Come on, do it, Coward. I'm trying my best. This one was sent in by Michelle Smith. Thanks, Michelle. It's an anonymous yahoo. He answers user who I'm going to call, um, Jarblon. Wow. That was a struggle, huh? Jarblon's Andy asks, is there an appropriate time when you should carry a briefcase? I'll make this straightforward. My almost always is my, is the, my favorite is the intro to a question where it's like, I'll be honest with you or let's get to it. Uh, also they are not straightforward fucking at all. I'm 22, a college senior at a big university. Anyhow, I'm currently doing part time because

I'm working full time to pay my bills and stuff. I recently got into YouTube and apparently my channel is quote, blowing up. Anyway, I managed to buy some hardware and finance some other stuff for my video editing. I bought an aluminum briefcase, which I thought was pretty cool and I placed everything in there. I play gaming competitively with whatever time I have free for actual money. So I carry my controllers in there. Anyhow, this lady in my classroom asked me why I carry a briefcase. Am I business person? I told her, nah, I'm just carrying my notes slash laptop in there. I'm not a big YouTuber yet. So I don't want to sound like I'm showing off, which I wouldn't anyway. Anyhow, she said it was kind of weird. I don't really care because I like it. It fits

all my needs, but at the same time makes me question, is there a rule for carry a briefcase? Is it only for quote, business people? Thanks. I feel like if you're not business people, and you carry a briefcase, people are going to assume nefarious intent. Indeed. Perhaps there's money in there, maybe documents, could be documents, could be drugs, could be, this is a less nefarious thing, but it could be an affectation. Yes. That you're doing to get attention. That is where my mind went immediately is that if you are not a business person and you're carrying a briefcase around, you probably look like fucking Jason Schwartzman and Rushmore, like guaranteed you look like some sort of boy prince or something. It's just not, it's no good.

Here's the thing. Here's your, may I say, question asker. Your mistake here was when they asked, are you a business person? You should have simply said yes. What is business? Because that's what I'm saying. That could have been anything, right? Maybe you're business. It's playing video games and business is good or whatever. You don't, when someone says are you a business person and you say yes, you then do not have to answer any follow up questions. I mean, though, here's the problem, Travis. The way I play video games, smash, smash Bandicoot, and big, big gunfight, and magic wizards quest. Yes. That's art. It's not business, is it? The things I do with Master Chief and all of his cool space guns, that's an art, I'm afraid.

You're right, Griffin. I'm sorry. Are you a business person? No, I'm an artist, and then you pull out your controllers and just start waving it around in the air. Yeah. They're like, what are you doing? It's like, why don't I have my stuff hooked up? So like, I can't play a video game in front of you right now, but this is like a rough sort of simulation of like- You get it. You get it though, right? You get it. It would be kind of like, watch how I hit this button. Boom, right? And that's, I just score, I just beat the bad guys. Yeah, I might hit this button and imagine that that tree like jumps up in the air and explodes or something. Can you do that? Yeah. Close your eyes.

I'm not even sure business people are using suitcases anymore. I think they're all using backpacks. We all agreed the backpacks go in your back and they're pretty easy to carry around. So I feel like you're being sort of willfully masochistic if you're carrying around a briefcase. Yeah. I think the only reason to have a briefcase is for like, for dramatic effect in a courtroom. That's it, right? I was just thinking that. Yes. Well, dramatic effect in a courtroom or like some sort of, okay, if you have a briefcase, here's what I'm going to expect, Nate, demand from you during our meeting. At some point, you're going to need to open it by flipping both of the metal clasp open authoritatively at the

same time, flipping it up and pulling out documents that make me realize, no, I haven't been an adult this entire time. I've been fucking playing at it. And here's the real adult shit that's in here. Here's the real shit that the real adults have been fucking with their entire lives. And you have to say something like, I would like to submit before the court or then how come this timeline proves something, even if I just said like, I think I want to go to Chili's for lunch and you say, then how come this timeline proves that you've never gone to Chili's for lunch? Right. Or you could do it in a business meeting, like some sort of like trying to hatch a big, big acquisition deal. And you could use it then, but you have to not talk for a long time.

Like you have to let the briefcase talk for you. So like you walk in and the door's like and step, step, step, step, step. And the other people in the room who are now your fucking subordinates because of how cool you look are like, oh, hey, it's good to see you. And you don't say anything. And you're just like, click, click. You got papers. I'll just make this straightforward. Damn, I got, I got fucking energized even making pretend. That's amazing. I just got psyched out of my fucking mind. I got to give myself a briefcase. I always have too many hands free. It's especially good if you like, if you like answer a question in the class and the professor's like, uh, that's incorrect.

I mean, you pull out some papers and like, that's not one of my documentation shows. Let me check my documentation teach. Click, click. I'll be straightforward with you. You're wrong. Oh, okay. Well, then you get an A. Cool, cool, cool. I'm gonna teach you now. Look at me. I got, hold on, let me walk back up. I got to close the briefcase up because I have to do it again up on the lectern. Hold on. Is there a good another question? Yes, I have a quick one I'd love to touch on. Touch it. I'm currently at a block party and my neighbors are hosting and there's a potluck

table filled with snacks. There's a delicious hummus that I've been dipping carrot sticks in and now I don't think I can leave without it. However, the container has no label. So I have no idea where it came from. Okay. I think they, okay, wait, hold on. Just fucking finish it. Is it okay to take the hummus with me? Will I be breaking some sort of block party taboo? I don't know about that's from potential pillager in Portland. So this person says that they, you know that you can't take the hummus.

Yes. I would argue that there's a block party taboo you do know about because you are writing us for permission to steal this hummus. It's not, you know, there's a taboo. It's not like when you're at a block party, it now it's the hunger games. Now it's the, just, Hey, everybody, thanks for coming to the block party. We're going to have fireworks six and we're going to have a Johnny's band get up here. They're going to play some covers of your favorite googly doll songs. Anyway, this is the purge. No rules, just right. All human decency and etiquette and laws are hereby suspended. So just have a ball and there's some really fucking good hummus over there.

A good way to figure out stuff like this is to extrapolate out. If the block party began, and then you arrived with a shopping cart and just went from table to table, chucking an unopened items into it and said, Oh, thank you. This will save me so much work. I didn't want to go to the grocery store anyway. And then went home. How do you think, do you think that the taboo would have been violated at that point? Do you think that that would be approved of? Okay, but here's the thing, you guys. No, this is really good hummus. Yeah. Yeah. Life changing comment. This is, you've never like, you thought you lived before this moment, but then you had this hummus and you cannot be without it.

It has no label on it. You're going to pick this container of hummus up and you're just going to fucking walk away and someone's going to stop you and be like, what the fuck do you think you're doing? This is a block party. Human decency still applies. You're going to say, here's the thing. I'm in love with this hummus. I want to eat it every meal, every day until I turn into just a big like pile of just hummus. I want a pretty high BHC. So what I'm doing, there's no label. So I can go shopping and find it. I can't go shopping and buy it. It makes me pretty sad. I got to get this back to the boys in the lab so that they can analyze it. And then I will scoot on back down to here as soon as they get the samples that they need.

I love that. The other thing, similar idea, you could just hold it above your head and say, for the love of God, who brought this? Who brought this delicious hummus? Wait till someone finds you and says, can I take this? It's just really good. Or tell me where you bought it, but can I take this? I've been double dipping carrot sticks all day and everybody saw me and nobody wants this grubby hummus anymore. Can I just have the hummus? Can I just have it? This would be better for everyone. Just like, just make a big deal out of your fingers going in the hummus when you dip the carrot sticks. Oh, what a mistake I've made. Oh, that's what I'm gonna do. If we want to get technical about it, if people put it out for a potluck, they expected you to put it into your

mouth. What no one expected though was how much you could get into your mouth at any one time. So I'm saying you're gonna have to smuggle a lot of hummus out in your cheeks. Just like Andy Dufresne. Just like Andy Dufresne. Why, every time. Smuggling hummus out. In what way did Andy Dufresne smuggle hummus? No, he chipped away at the wall and then he put all the rocks and dust and stuff into his cheeks. And then he got inside and spit the dust everywhere. I've seen the movie. Andy's no hummus smuggler. I know that guy. Oh, we can trust him. Hey, we didn't even have a mouth full of rocks. No. Andy would never do that. Um, folks, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. We, um, we love you. How's that? Okay. There, I said it. Wow.

There, it's out there. And now we wait for them to say it back. If you want to know more about us and the stuff that we do, the best place to go is McElroy.family. You can find all of our programs there. Uh, I make one called the empty bowl that's a meditative podcast about cereal that if you need to relax a little bit, it might be pretty fun. Oh, um, we have, uh, we're going to be doing some more dates. We've added some dates. And a city. And, and a city. Yes. So, uh, we're going to be adding, uh, a show to the Brooklyn, uh, the Brooklyn stint. We're going to be doing another night in Brooklyn, October 19th. That's a Saturday. Um, and we are also doing another one. We've added a Milwaukee show, um, on November 17th. That's a Sunday. Uh, and those tickets will be going on sale

this weekend, this Friday, actually, uh, at 12 p.m. local time to the venue. Uh, so get those tickets. We'll tweet out links and everything so you won't miss it. So another Brooklyn show on the 19th and, uh, we're adding the Milwaukee show, November 17th. Uh, those tickets go on sale Friday at noon p.m. local time. We'll tweet those tickets. Come hang out with us. Don't do it at noon a.m. That's called midnight and that's noon's evil twin that lives on the other side of the clock. Uh, thank you to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for these for our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Uh, great song, great song. And I, sorry, I dropped the ball in the title. It won't happen again. Thanks to Maximum Fun also for having us

on the network. Check out all the great shows there. Uh, like, uh, stop podcasting yourself and, uh, Mission to Zix and all the others at Maximumfun.org. And like Trav said, McRoy.Family's got all our junk. Uh, you want the final? Oh, yeah. This is sent in by Ethan. Thanks, Ethan. See how he answers user Peter, who asks, I poured Gatorade into the bleach hole of a laundromat washing machine. What now? It was for a music video. When he was Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

Well, Alexis, we got big news. Uh-oh. Season one. Done. It's over. Season two. Coming at you. Three years after season run up, technically almost four years. All right. And now listen, hear it. Can I pet your dog? The Snapchat podcast. Our seasons run for three and a half years. And then it's season two. We come at you with new hot co-hosts named you. Hi, I'm Alexis. Dog tech. Yeah. Dog news. Dog news. Celebrity guests. Oh, big shots. Will not let them talk about their resume. Nope. Only the dogs. Only the dogs. I mean, if ever you were going to get into can I pet your dog? Now's the time. Get in here every Tuesday at maximumfun.org.