My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 477: Crash Bandicoot’s Wallet Chain

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

If you open yourself up to it, love can find you in the strangest of places. In the meat aging attic. In Crash Bandicoot’s loaded back pocket. Or, in an unassuming serving of customizable, hastily baked authentic Italian pasta. Come, have a bowl. Reconnect. Suggested talking points: Old Beef Jokes, Sporf, Damien Adultduck, The Raw Voice, Brown Sonic, Veggie Extravaganza, Tom Orrow, The Inside of Superman’s Mouth and Butt

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy, your middlest brother. This is your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. I don't know what the intro is going to be, it's Travis's idea. Can you sense the hesitation in my voice,

in my youngest brother's voice, because this is the source. 10 seconds before we start recording, Travis said, I've got the intro. It's not timely. It's just something I've been thinking about. Yeah, so we have now officially, we have an opener for my brother, my brother and me, and it's new experiential stand-up comedian Travis McElroy, which is sort of his twisted view on things. Is it a movie pitch, Travis, because you legally have to tell me or it's fucking entrapment? No. So I'm going to say the broad scope of the intro is we can give some cooking advice, because this is an advice show, or give advice, and I would say the three of us are grown adults who often do cooking, and we may give cooking advice. But the thing that directly inspired

this is shortly before we began recording, I discovered that a dry aged beef is just old meat, just old meat. So this was it, and you thought you had that thought that entered your brain, as so many thoughts do all the time, and you thought, I want to talk about old beef. That's old beef, a rich vein, old beef for my boys. I want to talk about old beef. Here, when you go into a fancy restaurant, and this is like six week dry aged beef, you think, oh, fancy schmancy. But that just means like we put this beef in the refrigerator and we forgot about it for a month and a half, and now we're charging you $30 extra to eat it. If you guys remember Derek Fitzpatrick, his parents had, his mom was dry aging some beef down in the basement,

and I can remember being very confused by seeing that this big hunk of meat just hanging from the ceiling. Right? Were you tempted to punch it like Rocky? It was pretty high up there, so no. But it's just, it is really weird how some food can be old, and we say it makes us sick, and other times the food can be old, we say it's delicious. Griffin, do you have thoughts about old beef? Hold on guys. Oh God. I'm sorry guys. I busted my gut, and it's, it's fucking killing me. The pain's really bad. I'm like, I busted my gut talking about old beef. I'm just saying, it's old beef. We like to call it dry aged. If I said here's some dry aged milk. Oh my God. What if I said dry aged milk, Griffin?

Or like some dry aged chicken. It is some dry aged fish. Shame on me. I mean, let me say shame on me, because I was trying to help Travis carry on, but he was like, you know how with the magic trick, there's the pledge and the turn and the prestige? Travis was just stuck in the pledge of comedy. He was just saying, do you see this dove? Does everybody see the dove? Let's talk about the dove. Do you see the dove I have? Well, okay. The mistake I made is it's if a magician, behind the bed, if a magician decided that their act was going to be heavily dependent on audience interaction. So it's like if the magician said, see this dove, what are you

going to do with it? Yeah, yeah. Because I didn't so much have a prestige in mind when I thought about OB. I'm going to let my brother hold this dove and see if he does anything funny with it. It's your dove now. You have to pay for dove food. And then Griffin's yelling from the audience, doves are bullshit. Doves attacking me and my kids. You guys don't want to talk about OB, but it's not supposed to be. You got to have a funny thought about it. I mean, we can talk about SUVs, but that's just weppy. It's not even observational. Huber, Travis, it's just observation. But you know, sometime in somewhere in there, we can find, we often find the funny and things that

others might call mundane and we make them mundane. But that's your job. You should have found some of the funny before you came to the table. Well, listen, I can't always do all the work. Justin, sometimes I need you to help. I planted the seed and I need you to water it and sunshine down on it. You planted nothing. You told me that they sell seeds at Lowe's and then we'll ran down in the alley. That's more than something we'll do. I expected you, my older brother, who's always been there for me, to then go bind the seeds and then help me grow the wheat and then help me bake the bread. You have just pushed us off of a bridge. And while we're falling, you are yelling down at our bodies. You're not there for me right now.

Yeah. I threw you off expecting you to fly, baby bird. You were too afraid to spread your wings and talk about old beef. Hey, why are you so scared, Griffin? I was ready to take the leap by which I mean push you. Push me off to my death. Yeah. But I guess the difference is I jumped to you, but I knew there was no cord. You know what I mean? Like I think I told you don't look, but there's a cord. But wait, what's that? Oh, I'm wearing a wingsuit. Now I just flew through an open window on a big boat and I landed there. What is that? But what is that a metaphor for in this scenario? That's not a metaphor. It's a cool fucking stunt. That is a cool stunt. Thanks, man. Mastrona. He's right. So this is an advice show that we have never begun well. Oh, but a fixed

amount of time has passed that we can call an introduction. And now the real, the real beef of the show. Cold open, more like cold cuts. You can't harken back to something that didn't work. Yeah. The first time. When you call back, when you call back to a bad joke, it's just a shame reminder. Then it's a deep cut instead of a cold cut. Justin, hurry, please, God. No. Now let's see how this is intriguing. So some forks are better than others, right? But every time I eat, I need a fork I like to eat with. Would it be too weird to just start carrying my own fork everywhere I go? That's from Jensen at Enberg. That's fucking great. That's great. This should be it. This should be it, folks. I love it. I feel like this might have

some of people used to do. I could see an 18th century dandy poppin' open some kind of fur-lined case and drawing out their favorite gilded fork. That definitely seems like something. They're heroin fork. Well, yes. We're all going to have to start doing this with straws, right? Yes. So we might as well get... Because paper straws, by the way, everybody, we all talked about it and paper straws are the fuck. They are absolutely non-functional as both as a straw and as a product to save the earth because I don't want to use them. They are nothing. Nobody is doing the paper straws.

Much like when you microwave a breaded product, you have about 30 seconds to use the thing before it goes completely bad. Right. So those are pointless. So we all need to carry our own straws. And I think once we've made that leap, we might as well just go ahead and start carrying a whole set, right? Our own private forks, our own private cleaning sort of solutions. A knife. A knife. Well, that's not a knife. Fork. Wait, what's it? Hold on, Travis says... Oh, that's a knife. Thank you, Travis. Yes, this is it. Sorry, I had to find my knife. I left it in my other pants. Travis is wrestling, too. Oh, can you imagine if you rolled up to go...

All your friends went out to eat and they all pulled out their forks and you realized you left your fork at home? Oh, no food for you. You eat with your hands, you sloppy boy. But then the other side of that is they pull out their forks and you pull out your fork and it's like a new cool... Like you bought it at, you know, journeys. That's an awesome fork, my dude. Oh my God, Travis. What a pull that was. Travis, you're on fucking fire, my man. Thanks. I was thinking about fossil watches and it made me think of journeys. Yeah. Do we agree with the premise of the question that cutlery choice is important? Oh, yes. Because I have probably thrown away more plastic forks than the earth is jazzed about,

because I just can't do it. I have a fit... People hand me a plastic fork and I'm talking about the cheap ones. You can get a good one, a good plastic fork, obviously, but like a bad plastic fork. I have a fixed number of meals on this earth that I get. I'm not going to sully one with a terrible fork. Well, so I think that it's important. I have forks at my house, guys. I'm going to tell you this. Oh, brag. I have forks at my house. No, no, no, no, no. It's shameful. I have forks at my house. They're too small and I don't like them. They're too small for eating things really well. I hate these forks and I just keep shuffling them to the bottom of the silverware drawer as I dig for my choice, my choice crew. Well, when I bought the set of silverware that we got, it came with big

fork and I guess small or regular sized fork and big spoon and regular spoon. I don't use those little spoons in those little forks. I don't have time for that. I need to maximize bites. I have. And I feel like everybody has those, those shame instruments that Justin has alluded to that I don't know where the fuck I got my boys. I got my butter boys, which is what I call my butternize that I go to when I need something to get buttered. Yes. But then at the bottom, beneath them, almost like they're trying to hide them from me. There's like three or four butter butter buddies that I don't know where the fuck they came from. I got a little one that looks like it's made out of like tiger bone or something. I don't know where the fuck I got that. Oh yeah.

I got one fork out of all of my silverware that does not match. Everything else matches. This one fork does not match. It is whatever the opposite of ergonomically designed. Like it, it injures my hand to hold it. And yeah, I think everybody in their silverware drawer has like a little that like weirdly fancy fork that you don't know how it got in there. Like, what's the beautiful design and imprint? This fork is very ornate, the one I'm describing. So ornate, in fact, that it is difficult to hold on to. There's no, it's weird. There's no, where do you grip it? Where do you hold it that it doesn't feel weird? And so when that fork comes up in the rotation, this is, you know, like your laundry day fork, like I'm so set. Sometimes

I'll just like eat my salad with a knife, like Eric the Red or some shit, you know? That's cool. That's cool. I like doing that too. I stab the bite of steak and then eat it that way. Oh, I like that too. You know, sometimes I like to eat an apple like that, just cutting slices right off of the apple and eating them. I'm pretending I'm sitting on a log. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe on a spaceship telling stories about some kind of space war. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we fucking, can we just eat with tuning fork? And everybody cares around tuning fork of a note that they like, I would go with standard A440 just, and every time I take a bite of my spaghetti, I give them a little, oh, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, I like that. Since my

baby left me. I wish that we could all just do the spork, which is my hit new dance. Kids love. I wish we could just get on board with a spork. The spork doesn't go far enough. Let me hit you guys with this. Spork handle sharp. A sporf, if you will. A sporf. The sporf has a sharp handle that you can use to cut things with. Now, how do you, I know that that's hard because you can't stab them with your fork to cut them like you do usually. So you need two sporfs. Yeah, right. Okay, you're with me now. Two sporfs. But the problem with that arrangement is no problem. No, there's no problem with that arrangement. The problem it could be. Hold on, I'm spinning around a blackboard. Okay, as you can see, here's the problem. Is that arrangement

can leave me with two other less than ideal options, which is two spoons, which makes me look like a yummy child. Bring me the yogurt. Bring me the yogurt. I want to make a big mess. And the other option is two knives, which is not how you eat anything. I've just tossed an entire bucket of water on my chalkboard. All my years of work are in your right grip. No, no, no, grip is wrong. Let me tell you, it's too late. My work is gone. Let me tell you what I like about the sporf. I'm going to the quad to clear my head. You see, the spork is already an incredibly inconvenient utensil. And what you've done is said, I think I can make it more inconvenient. And I did, listen, there's something about that that I really respect. I will not use it,

but I will put it into some kind of museum so that people can look at it in 200 years and say, oh, what could have been, you know what I mean? If the amount of work Justin had put towards the sporf, if he had put that towards something like world hunger, think about how much better the world would be instead of run by evil rhinos like it is now. Do you ever think that you ever see like the old-timey stuff people used to use? Like, you know, we used to have like a thousand forks, right? Uh-huh. We used to have like a celery fork and stuff like that. Things got out of control for a little bit. They one time made a knife that had a divot down the middle so you could put peas in it. What's up? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Do

you think the old-timey people ever made up diagrams and stuff like that just to try to trick us today? Like, oh, they're going to think we actually used them. It's going to be hilarious. But that's the thing is they put these things in museums and it was like one person, they're like, oh, that guy in his weird spoons. Like, maybe the Wright brothers made the whole thing up and they're like, look at the stupid picture we made. It's just a paper. It's a paper in sticks. It didn't fly. What are you talking about? I assume 90% of recorded history is just pranks. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Except the moon landing. No, that happened. That did happen. It happened too seriously, in fact. People kept saying, hey, can we lighten it up a little?

Here's to a Yahoo! sent in by Graham Robuck. Thanks, Graham. It's from Yahoo! who answers user Tina, who asks, why do people name their kid Ryan? Yes. Now, this is not to knock our, we have where my Ryans are at because I love, I love Ryans. I have lots of friends who are Ryans. Love a Ryan. I love a good Ryan. But why are people naming kids this? Right. It's already been done. There's been a Ryan and we've talked about how names should be unique like Xbox Live, GamerTags. Yes. And so I don't necessarily want to go down that road again, but like, what is about the baby and you see them and you say, oh, that's a Ryan.

And I tried to do a Crocodile Dundee. Suddenly we're stargazing. Oh, I see. Oh, that's fine. Because it sounds like we have said, oh, Ryan. Oh, another great goof. Put it up in the record books. I'm going to delist some Ryans. Oh, okay. Justin's going to get rid of some Ryans so we can make room for generation. I'm going to delist some Ryans. I want to run through some Ryans and you'll tell me if they get to stay Ryan. Okay. Ryan Gosling. Yes. Yeah, I think yeah. No, you know what? I'm actually going to say no, because I think he could he could take on another name. He could be a Ryan by another name. Damian. And we'd be like, yes. Damian Adult Duck. Yes. Dan Lynn Ryan Gosling.

Travis, what do you think about Ryan Reynolds? Can he stay Ryan? Oh, the alliteration. It's gotta stay Ryan. But it could also just be Ron Reynolds. Nope. That's not Roman Reynolds. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Now we're talking. Jack Reynolds. Deadpool 2 starring Jack Reynolds. Maybe just calling Deadpool from now on. That's great. That's good. That's how everyone sees him? Ryan Lochte. Fucking get him out of yeah, delist. We'll just call him Ryan Fuckty from now on. No, wait, Travis, you stripped him of his last name. That doesn't make any sense. How about Fuck Fuckty? A lot of fucking busted Ryan. A lot of bust ass Ryan's. Yeah.

Hey, Nolan Ryan. I don't know if you count, but are you cool? I don't even know. There needs to be something. You know how in RPGs, you can like spend a certain amount of things to like respect your character. Oh, I think everyone should get that. Like, change your first name. Want super easy. You can do that. I guess. Yeah. I guess that is the thing. I imagine that anybody can and should change their name if that's what they want to do, but it should be like Travis is suggesting you fucking go to naming way and now you have a new name. Or you're just going to like name.com. You type in three things, right? If tomorrow, somebody with the first name Travis does something super heinous. Oh, yeah. Right.

Maybe you don't want to be a Travis for it. I don't want to be a Travis. Or maybe you don't want to be a Travis for a little bit. Right. It's getting a little hot in this name. Oh, getting his names getting a little hot for me. I think we're going to let it cool off a little bit with a Dylan. I'm going to head on over to Dylan and let Travis cool off of it. Just like you can hold your mail if you're going to be out of town for a while. I should be able to hold my name. Just hold the Travis. Yeah. I'm not a Travis for, I'm going to say from Tuesday to next Thursday. I'm going to be Eric for a while. Just a nice low cool under the radar Eric. No, you don't want to be Eric. No, how about I'm going to be a Justin for a while.

Now we're talking. You're welcome. There's room over here. Well, I'll be honest. Timberlake took a lot of the oxygen. Oh, okay. It used to be a pretty chill scene, but Timberlake took a lot of the oxygen. I'm going to take Griffin then, but with an E instead of an I. You want to be careful about that. Phonetically, it's still the same. And I was on fucking easy street until in like the same year Harry Potter and Family Guy came out at the same, at the same damn time. Oh boy. That's rough. A month ago, my friend came to me and asked me to write music for his lyrics so we could record an album together. God, I miss being young. No one will ever do that for me. Do you know that? I'm 38 years old. It's never going to happen. I agreed to help. A month ago,

we went into the studio to record a demo with the band. Can you imagine hanging out with a band? Just being able to leave your house and go over to hang out with a band. Can you even fucking them? And they discovered something tragic. My friend can't sing. He has some nice tonal qualities, but it's consistently off pitch and off rhythm. He refuses to let someone else sing the songs. What do I do? How do I save all of our hard work? Recording in a month? Please help. That's from the edge. That's so weird. That's fucking wild and mean. It's wild and mean, the edge. Hey, it's really nasty, the edge. Listen, I don't... That's the problem. I am. It doesn't sound good. Yeah, we don't... I don't want to... We try not to be mad at the question

asking. We're trying to really know how. When your friend came to you as I write music for my lyrics to join a band, it wasn't a moment where you thought, I should find out if my friend can sing. Like... Now, Travis. Now, Travis. I want you to walk a mile in those shoes. And your friend has just come to you saying, like, here's some badass lyrics. I want you to write some music for it. And then you say to them, first, you must sing to me so I may steal your voice with my Sea Witch magic. First, whoa, hold on, buddy, my best friend since middle school. Sing for me first. I don't want to sign up for some shitty singer. Listen, I understand what you're saying and I wouldn't do it, but now I'm thinking, like, I don't know if somebody came to you and said,

hey, let's form a band. I'll play guitar and you play keyboard. And then you got together and they were like, oh, I don't know how to play guitar. Like, you would probably ask if they knew how to play guitar, right? Oh, but this is a special case because if you know whether or not you can play guitar, your singing ability is only revealed to you when you try to, when you are at a party and somebody passes you the microphone while you're playing rock band and you get like a fucking 41% on Suffragette City and you're like, oh, shit, maybe I can't sing. Ah, beans. Thanks, Harmonix. And Harmonix is like, we got you. You suck shit. But now you know. Maybe this is a situation where maybe it's kind of like the whole steady swap. You know what I'm

saying about the whole steady? Okay, I think anybody who has ever listened to the whole steady and known that they're a preexisting and well-liked band, the very first time they heard the guy sing were like, well, this isn't right. This certainly isn't right. But then you listen enough and it's like, okay, I think I actually do like this. I've acquired a taste for this vocalist's thing and it matches their music perfectly and it makes perfect sense and I'm way into it. But the first time I heard it, I thought there's been a clerical error in Music City. My MP3 got corrupted. Some of the others made an MP3 corruption at some point in the pipeline. I would also say the counterpoint question asker. You might be missing an opportunity here because

a great example of this is like Kings of Leon where the first couple albums of Kings of Leon, I absolutely adore. And then the lead singer started taking vocal lessons and improving his voice. Oh, you like that raw shit. I do. I don't care. Listen, it's fine. It's just a completely different sound that is very different. So maybe what your friend is offering is a unique kind of sound. Not good, but unique, right? You don't want polish. You want grit. Could get better. It's all about the potential. Bob Dylan, you know, stopped the Vietnam War with his bad voice. But then he picked up that fucking axe. He plugged that shit in and really started shredding. And what did his voice do? It got much worse even still. Worse than people thought that

even could be. But people seem to like this old man. Cool. And these days, if you go see Bob Dylan, he won't even sing the songs to you. He'll tunelessly chant them at you. And so like, anything goes, baby. Dylan's up there chanting for all of us. He gets a fucking negative 16% on Suffragette City and somebody hands him a Grammy. So like, let's do it, baby. Whatever. I can't say that kind of shit. My father-in-law will disown me. Everybody's father-in-law will disown me. I got a quick yahoo here. This one's sent by Adrian. This one's sent by Adrian Cowitz. It's not gonna say how he answers you, I'm gonna call Bob Dylan. Asks. And it's gonna get gamers in here. Oh, finally, that demographic we've never gotten before.

No Crash Bandicoot game for PS3, PS4, or PS Vita. Why has Sony abandoned their mascot? Well, sometimes when you get something right, right away, you don't have to return to it. Huh? I think that that, I think they would probably love to, maybe for the last like, I don't know, 20 years since the last Crucial Bandicoot game. They've thought, hmm, what, but what else could we do? We already had him grab the weird mangoes. He had a mask face buddy. They drove some cars, silly. He jumped on box. He jumped on box. He's been through box. He jumped big, big camp. Throw the apple. Maybe he's been longer. He's what? He's been longer. Maybe he's been longer. He jumped higher? Oh, he's been longer.

Jump higher, spent longer. Okay. More points for spin. Now let's tell, let's tell, let's bring those gene legs up a little bit further. What do you say? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get a little bit of that fuzzy calf on the box. And now maybe if you don't do anything for a long time, he pulls out an iPhone. That's funny. Maybe a nut is hanging out. Maybe just one. One fuzzy nut. Now that's a Crash Bandicoot right there. Hey, I hear something I want you guys to think about in great detail. Can you do this for me? If Crash Bandicoot first appearance had been without pants, all right, you wouldn't have noticed. But if Crash Bandicoot's next appearance was without pants, it would be all that you noticed. I mean, isn't that strange? Yes, absolutely. Now let me

inverse that, Justin. If his first appearance had been without pants, and then his second game, he had been wearing pants with that retroactively weird you out about the first game. It's a very good question. He's not wearing a shirt. So we already know this is one rude dude with piles of teeth. Piles of it. An overload of it, some might say. I can probably walk you through the exact design process of our beloved Crash Bandicoot. And it was that they made this game for PlayStation. And PlayStation was like, we love this. And they were like, this is the mascot now. What are you calling? And he didn't have pants. And they were like, we call him Brown Sonic. And they were like, oh, shit,

we're going to mix this up. What's in right now? Jinko Jeans. We're off to the races. Yes. Was there ever a moment where he would use his wallet chain to smash boxes? No, the wallet chain was always decorative and non-existent perhaps. Does he have a wallet chain? Oh man, I can't not pick it. I don't think he did. But it's hard for me to not pick it. I see what you're saying, Travis. When you do try to visualize him in your mind's eye, wallet chain is there before anything. Those textures pop in before anything else. I'm not looking at a picture of Crash Bandicoot. I think he's wearing fingerless gloves. Jinko Jeans. Yes. And a wallet chain. And maybe some like Converse shoes.

Converse shoes, tribal sleeve tats. Yeah. And like a weirdly placed ear piercing. Like, not where anyone would have a piercing. Right on the tip. Everyone, draw Crash Bandicoot for memory. Right now, draw Crash Bandicoot for memory and just tweet them at Travis. No, Travis. I got stuff to do. Everyone, draw Crash Bandicoot for memory and tweeted at Obama police. No, don't. Justin, this is going to be the thing that gets you kicked off Twitter. I think he would appreciate it. I think he's OG Gamer. I think you'd be like, oh, that's my man Crash Bandicoot. Someone's drawn him for memory. I bet he's playing Crash Bandicoot right now. If you are a retired president, wouldn't you play

Crash Bandicoot? Probably, probably. And I've just revised it. Tweet it at Travis and Barack Obama. Yeah. And then that way, you know, they can spend a little bit of time together in a weird Twitter space. Yeah. Finally, we'll have something to talk about at our weekly luncheons. You and I have something to talk about right now, Travis. Oh, what's that? The money's up. Let me tell you about Squarespace. Yes, please. I love this thing. Squarespace is like a magic button on the internet that you push and a website comes out. There it is. I've got one. It's called Buttercup. It's a very good girl.com. And it's a website dedicated to my dog. Now, should I make Lily as a very good girl.com to celebrate my other dog? Yes, I should. But

Justin owns it and won't give it to me because he's my older brother. That'll be for the serious finale. Yeah. It will be a very dramatic episode. Now, here's the thing. You can use it to showcase your work, uh, to blog or publish content, to sell products and services of all kind and more. And here's the best thing. Here's what I love about Squarespace. You don't have to know anything about building websites because they have beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers that are optimized for mobile viewing. It's a new way to buy domains and choose over 200 extensions. You can do that right through Squarespace. And it has built in search engine optimization and 24 seven award-winning customer support. It's really user-friendly.

Build you a website in no time. That's what I always say. So go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code my brother, all one word, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Stitch fix. Whoa. Yeah. I imagine me busting out of a box. Hold on. No, wait. I'm in a box. I'm talking to you about stitch fix. This is the scene. You don't sound like you're in a box. Personal style is like a fingerprint. Everyone has their own. Griffin, get out of the box. Stop. Wait. Hold on. Whatever your style, the expert styles at stitch fix are ready to help you express yourself. I'm a bust out of the stitch fix box wearing all my new clothes. Oh,

no, I'm sitting on the box. I can't. It's getting a little hard to breathe in here. So I'm just going to bust out. I'm still sitting on it. Stitch fix is an online personal styling service that delivers your favorite clothes brands right to your door. I'm wearing all the clothes at once. It's really hot. To get started, go to stitch fix.com slash my brother. Answer some questions about your preferred style. Okay. Now there's a snake in here. I don't think stitch fix put the snake in. I don't think they send your snakes and your personal shopper will ship you a box full of clothes, shoes and accessories. There's no commitment required and you only pay for what you keep shipping exchanges and returns are always free. And the $20 styling fee is applied

towards anything you keep from your box. Now, Justin, what can people do to capitalize on this great offer? So right now they're going to go to stitch fix.com slash my brother and they'll get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box. That's stitch fix.com slash my brother. Stitch fix.com slash my brother. And I walk out of the closet. The prestige. Oh, you were in the wait. What? Yeah, I did a teleport. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Graham. And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine. We love it here and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week on Stop Podcasting Yourself here on MaximumFun.org. We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada and listen to our show or perish. Stop podcasting yourself on MaximumFun.org.

Toronto. I want a munch. Squad. I want a munch. Squad. I'm getting a little jazzy here with it these days. This is Munch Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast, kind of winding this one down, this particular bit. You say that and then you do it every week. Well, it's still, you know, it still comes out of retirement from time to time. It's sort of in a pre-retirement phase, then it'll pop back in out of retirement. But this is just a good old fashioned press release. And the item is not that strange. I know it's normally at the heart of the munch squad. But this press release

was just so darn earnest. I couldn't not share it with y'all. And I also think that if you aren't aware of the brand we're talking about, it is possibly the most insane collection of words to ever form a headline in recorded history that if you did not know the source of this information, you would be literally unable to parse this information. I'm going to put this in the Skype window without any of the other information. And Griffin, if you could just read it for me, please. Sure. I would love to. Oh my God. This is like razzle dazzle. Like I'm trying to read it. Yeah. Right. Your pie launches baked pasta nationwide.

So my pie has gained sentience in its blasting baked pasta all across this great country. Congratulations. That is one interpretation. Yeah. Yeah. Your pie is a chain that lets you make a pizza pie very fast. And it's a quick service pizza offering that you can get into. So but there now they're getting in the baked pasta game. Build your own pizza brand. Your pie has added baked pasta to the menu. It's more than 65 locations nationwide. The new menu features classic pasta offerings like Zia's meatball marinara and cheesy Alfredo as well. Fan favorite items, blah, blah, blah. Quote, this one's from the president drew French as the world's first fast casual pizza franchise. Innovation has always been part of

the your pie DNA. More than 10 years later, we've never stopped challenging ourselves to improve, invent and evolve. We developed our pasta menu in response to guest and store feedback. And we look forward to seeing how it amplifies the your pie experience. Both in stores and within our catering offerings. So I want to dig into one thing that they said is based on store feedback. So basically this person is in your pizza restaurant and they're eating their fast casual pie. And they say, I wish this was spaghetti. Can you get a manager for me? Someone high up enough that they could get this feedback back to corporate. But I wish this pizza was spaghetti. Listen, I don't want to say this to you because

it's gonna seem like it's coming out of nowhere. I'm enjoying this pizza that I requested all the individual pieces of. But is there a way? Is there a universe in which instead of being pizza, it was baked pasta? Then I think it would be perfect. I wish you'd let me drive a pasta car in the same way that I'm driving this pizza here. This is a quote from Pat Landon, who's a franchise owner in Augusta, Georgia. We're excited to offer guests yet another fresh, great tasting menu option. As one of the first your pie groups to begin carrying pasta, we got to see firsthand our guest excitement at having a new experience. Just like I requested daddy. It's here. It's here. The your pie is doing pasta now,

just like we asked for. Guys want to hear the saddest sentence in the English language? My wife and I have had a lot of fun crafting our own custom pasta creations like spicy buffalo chicken, chicken cordon blue and veggie extravaganza. Finally, the romance is back. We're making love like never before. We're making love in pasta. This veggie. Hey, Carol, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, Dan, that was fucking fun. Let's do it two more times. It was so fucking fun when you put the spaghetti sauce on there with all the spaghetti and shit. It was so fucking fun. No one else could have thought of chicken cordon blue pasta, Dan. You've done it again. No one ever gives me you animal. That fucking veggie

finanza got my dick rock hard. Let's get home to our marital bed. Here's the great thing. They're crafting these custom pasta creations. So this is his name for him. He came up with these names because they're his custom creations. So he ate this and he said, you know what, Carol? I'm going to call this one veggie extravaganza. She said, you fucking animal, take me right now. That's such a funny fucking name, dude, because of all the vegetables. Yes, Carol, that's right. Got me. That's exactly why I called it that. I love you more now than when I met you over a pizza that we made together. Only now do I see the true you deep in the pasta. So the spicy buffalo chicken chicken cordon blue veggie extravaganza. At your pie,

it's about everyone getting to enjoy exactly what they want with no need to compromise or sacrifice. You'll never need to sacrifice it. We won't judge you for any of your dark pasta desires here. All are welcome. Our new pasta offering supports that experience. Human flesh. Plus it's perfect for catering. How could you do catering? A bulk order that matches everyone's pasta desires. Infinite catering. This is one last quote from French. At your pie, we believe that food can be fresh, fast, delicious, and experiential. We want to be the go to fast, casual restaurant where families, friends, colleagues, and groups who we have to assume are neither friends, family, or colleagues. Just gatherings, random samplings of humans can gather, dine, and create shareable

moments where when we began this journey, we offered guests a new way to experience pizza. Now we're excited to introduce a new way to experience your pie. You know, traditional oven baked pasta like Italy has never done in 60 seconds like Italy does. How about a question? Yes. Earlier tonight, I went to a housewarming party for a friend expecting a fun night of casual conversation. Lots of alcohol and maybe that's italicized and underlined and bolded. So this person really, lots of loves to party, loves to party and maybe a trip to the club. What I did not expect was to be greeted by my friend at the door in a very not throwing a party closed and inform that the party I spent hours preparing for is actually tomorrow night. To

make matters worse, instead of turning around and running away as fast as I could, I spent the next 10 minutes trying to make awkward small talk with them after they invited me into their house. I told them I would go to the party for real tomorrow, but right now that's the last thing I want to do. Brothers, should I go to the party tomorrow night or should I stay at home and try to pretend the whole thing never happened? That's from party to hearty in the PNW. Oh, it sucks. I'm sorry. I know this is too late, but you just shouldn't have left. Oh, you should have showed up a day earlier when they're like, oh, it's not till tomorrow. I'm like, I know. Let's kick it. Let's start decorating. Yeah, let's put up the stirrers. Someone needs to hide the unleavened bread.

The offie Coleman. Let's start. You got to find a good spot. I'm imagining it's a Passover rager. This is a shitty, shitty. Being inside the house for 10 minutes is probably the worst nightmare I'm going to have today. That seems probably the worst. You should have crossed. Yeah. You crossing the threshold is the worst mistake anyone in human history has ever made. It is unfathomable to me that you would cross across that door jam. Unthinkable. Especially since that and everything about this question without any other detail lets me know that you are not close enough with this friend for it to not be weird, right? I have friends that if this happened, it would be like, what a funny thing. Yeah, we'll hang out for a while and I'll be back tomorrow.

This ain't that. The fact that you got ready, went to their house. If that were me, I could see that being like, well, check mark. I have committed my social taunt. I went to the, oh no. There is no party tonight. What have I done? There is no relief in my life greater than dreading about going to the social function I'm going to that evening. And then finally like getting there and being like, okay, it's here. And sometimes it's a lot more time. It's fun. And I'm like, oh, okay. I got over the dread of that. And it was work. It was work, amping up the courage to actually attend this event. And then you get there and get told that that was for nothing. And then you have to do it again tomorrow. I do not think I could go to the party. Okay, so let's flip this around,

right? Let's look at it from the point of view of the party thrower. Do you think they'll come back? Because if it was me and they didn't show up the second time, I think it would be hard for me not to be like, well, yeah, like they were already here. Like, I get it. I think what's the line? What's the line? Let me get to ask you this. What is the line that would have gotten you, they opened the door. They say the party is tomorrow. What is the lie that you tell in that moment they can get you out of that situation scoffery? Because it ain't, I thought it was today. Because that's the truth. That's not good. That's the truth. And that's not a lie. And that's never helped anybody. How about this? Well, I'm all booked up tomorrow. So I thought,

why not get it in today? And then just start asking for them to put out some crudité and some snacks and, you know, stay for an hour. And then start calling your friends and go, oh, I gotta go. And then head out and thank them for a lovely time. Very bad, groovy. Say, you just drove there from the hospital and you needed to know what the shortest route from their house to the hospital is, because you just like to know, and that this was a dry run practice in case things are bad at the party tomorrow. I feel like that still makes you have to go to the party the next day. Well, you want to go to the party because you want to make it okay for you to go to the party. I don't think that's the problem. I don't think it's about being embarrassed. I think it's

about the, as Griffin has alluded, the amount of mental preparedness, the psyching up one has to do to convince yourself to leave the house to go to a thing. But if we're dealing with the embarrassment, I think maybe you get there and you say, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't allergic to your new house. Possible. I have a lot of allergies. Yeah, I'm allergic to the following, pine, carpets, sealing fans, free toes, ugly curtains. Now, if you want me to come to the party tomorrow, I'm going to need you to tear that down, rip that up. Maybe there's hardwood under there. You don't know. As long as it's not pine. Maybe there's free to get question masker. Are you sure the parties tomorrow? Oh, my God. Are you sure? Are you really,

really when you heard about this party? Did you maybe overhear about this party? Is that possible? Are you sure it's tomorrow? Here's what you're going to do. Okay. You're going to show up. They're going to say parties tomorrow. You're going to say, Oh, okay. 10 minutes later, ding dong. It's you again. You say, it's tomorrow. They're like, no, it's not. They're like, well, who's supposed to know? And then you never have to go back. Oh, that's great. Or what you could do is they say it's tomorrow and you say, okay. And then you go to their outdoor fuse box and you shut off the power of their house and then you turn it back on and all the clocks are going to be fucked up at that point. Yeah. And you come in and you say, now you don't know what

time it is. Let me in. I'll beat up all the cheese that you got on your shelf. Oh, oh, here's the, okay. You show up, right? They say the party's tomorrow night. You say, oh dang, you go home, then you wait 48 hours and you return to their home. And they say the party was last night and you say, oh dang. And then you never get invited to a party ever again and you never have to worry about leaving your home. You could also just say parties tomorrow and you say, now what is Tomonro? Who is Tomonro? Can you explain Tomonro to me? And you have to basically be 11. Yeah. From the show, from the Hitch Netflix drama, Stranger Things. You could also just say it's five o'clock somewhere and walk in.

Yes, sir. He's suggesting that the first, the, in Stranger Things, the first time it got dark and then bright again, 11 was like, what the fuck is happening? Well, she hadn't been outside just and did you watch the fucking show? She was just like, oh, this is probably when the sun goes down and comes back up. So just when I tell you all about all my fan theories and you were like, said you were really deeply invested, was that just bullshit to you or what's up, man? I thought you cared. I thought you gave a shit about me and all my great Stranger Things fan theories. Because a lot of Griffin's theories have to do with 11 being afraid of the big burning ball in the sky. Right. I didn't listen that closely because Griffin's fan theories conflict with

myself published novella. And so I was worried that the two continuities couldn't simultaneously exist. Yes. Your novella, Stranger Things. Here's a guy who's sent by Zoe Kinski. Climb that ladder. Thank you, Zoe. It's anonymous. It's no, they are not anonymous. They're AFR Prince 77 asks, if Superman is invulnerable, does that go for his private parts too? Hmm. Huh. Well, huh. Is it? Okay, let's talk about this. I shoot the bullet at Superman because I fucking hate that guy. Yes. Yep. And it bounces off of him. No harm done. Is that because of his skin? Or is it because the muscles underneath are fucking super, super strong? Or is it he's got good, powerful skin? Because that's what we're talking about because guess what? His genitals

does not have a bunch of strong pectoral muscles behind them. Or maybe they do. I've never, DC is too chicken shit to show that what it is because maybe he does have big pectoral muscles behind his wiener. I don't know. He's got big muscly wiener. Who knows? Who knows? They won't show it. And now here's the thing. Well, we're really, I might be getting my verbates wrong here, but I think it's the difference between invincible and invulnerable. Like he cannot be, like his skin cannot be pierced. But I imagine, you know, you see him getting in fights with like the big bad guys with like Doomsday and stuff, and he gets hurt. And he's like, ow, that hurt. He's not just like, you know, so if you- Maybe Doomsday's only punching him in the

genitals in the butthole in his open mouth. If Doomsday punches Superman in his super nards, is he like, ow, does he say ow? Like maybe it won't kill him, but does he say ow? He's out. Punch me a few more times there, my butthole in open mouth, and I'm going to die. Ow, that hurts so much. Listen, I'm not going to bleed from it or anything like it won't bruise, but ow. Oh, fuck, I just punched my open eye. That's no good. Yeah, you poke me in the eyeball. Ow. What is it, Jim Curtsey said? You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't punch Superman in his exposed butthole. Maybe that's his one week's life. No one's tried shooting him in the butthole before. No one's tried shooting his open mouth, I think. Try it, Lex. Give it a go, Lex.

Maybe that's like where Lex Luthor draws the line where he's like, listen, I'm an evil villain, but even I wouldn't shoot someone in the butthole. Oh my God, I'm just now thinking about it. Superman teams up with extreme restraints, gets things to plug in all the precious holes. Oh, now he's safe. That can be hurt by Doomsday, and now he's safe, isn't he? He puts a cage around his dick. Yeah, some kind of lead lined cage. That's great, so he can't see his own stuff. So he can't see his own wiener. I mean, if my wiener had pectoral muscles in and around it, I would be pretty distracted by that dang thing as well. Indeed. I don't know what you expected to get when you pledged an hour of your time to listen to this podcast, but I bet ways to kill

Superman wasn't on the list. And a lot of talk about his butthole. A lot of talk about Batman versus Superman versus Griffin, dawn of justice again. Because you know Batman's butthole is weak. I mean, all of Batman is weak. All of Batman's skin is like Superman's inside of his cheek's skin. I'll fuck that guy up. But I bet Batman has made Alfred kick him in the balls a lot of times just to toughen him up. That seems like something crazy Batman would do, right? I'm just like, just kick me again, Alfred. I need calluses. Well, that's going to do it for us here on my brother. My brother may. I really appreciate you. Everything you've done for us and Lucius. I need extra padding in the butthole and like more, more padding. People keep going for the

butthole, Lucius. More, more. Lucius, I'll tell you when to stop. More padding, Lucius. Okay, well, it's the end of the podcast. I mean, six inches between the bad guys and my genitals. Yeah, I know it looks like I have a big, full dypey. I know. But it's way better than getting shot in the butthole, Lucius. Trust me. But anyway, it's my brother. Maybe just around the whole, like maybe just waist down all six inches of Kevlar. Do you want to buy some merchandise? Well, we have it for you at McElroyMerch.com. You can find all our merchandise. We got a great job, a polo hat that you can buy. And the proceeds are going to go to the Northern Manhattan Arts Alliance. So that's

cool. And there's still some tickets available for our upcoming Washington DC shows, but it's really limited. So go to McElroy.Family and click on Tours and you can get those tickets as well as tickets for everything else. We added another Brooklyn show. We added a Milwaukee show. Yeah, go get tickets. We got a, us and our dad wrote a Marvel comic book called Journey into Mystery. It's technically War of the Realms Journey into Mystery, which is a pretty nerdy title that I think about it. But they just released a trade paper back of it this week. You can get it at Barnes & Noble on Amazon if you want to read. It's a self-contained story. You don't need to know anything else. I hope you like it. Thanks to John. Oh, fuck. Dad and I are going to be at New York

Comic-Con. We'll be posting schedules and stuff soon. But if you're going to be at New York Comic-Con, plan on seeing us. Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for using our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. If you want to know where to find that album, get it and find it and get it. And thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Great shows there like Beef and Dairy Network and Stop Podcasting Yourself and a whole bunch more at MaximumFun.org. Should we end it? Yes, heck yeah. Finally, Yahoo is sent in by several people. Thanks, everyone. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to call. I'll still bob Dylan asks. Why can't humans love on the moon? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin

McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad, square on the lips. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Joe Firestone. And I'm Manolo Moreno. And we're the hosts of Doctor Game Show, which is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners regardless of quality or content within studio guests and callers from all over the world. And you can win a custom magnet. Subscribe now to make sure you get our next episode. What's an example of a game, Manolo? Pokemon or medication. How do you play that? You have to guess if something's a Pokemon name for medication. First time listener. If you want to listen to episode highlights and also know how to participate, follow Doctor Game Show on Facebook, Instagram,

and Twitter. We'd love to hear from you. Yeah, it's really fun. For the whole family. We'll be every other Wednesday starting March 13th, and we're coming to Max Fun. Snorlax. Pokemon? Yes. Nice.