My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 498: Single Sleeved Sweater

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

The energy in this one … is difficult to describe. Was it a result of us recording back-to-back episodes during a busy pre-travel prep session? Yes. Was it also the result of a soft and extremely haunted homunculus that now dwells with — and within — Justin? Definitely, yes, for sure.Suggested talking points: Slim Leads, Nutzack, Buzz’s Space Car, Bum Bum, Stink Sniper, Average Erotic Wine Stopper, Living Pinecones

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome to my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. This is your baby brother Griffin McElroy. Are we really doing the intro? A baby? Griffin, don't say yourself short. Baby brother and mouth sounds aficionado.

Sometimes I say things when we're scrambling to think of an introduction, and then there's an earned period of astonished silence, and then we decide to do something else. But you guys are sure you want this one? Well, Griffin, why don't you walk it out, take this horse out for a trot, and see how she gallops? Let's hop in, let's check out the mileage on this bad boy. I was just telling the fellas, and there's a lot going on. Oscars, politics, and this is the one we decided to do. Grow it out. All the ones aren't funny. This one's funny. Well, I got this new mouth noise I can make that I just found out about.

Let's hear it. And you know, I've made such a big deal out of it now that I'm almost certain I'm not going to be able to do it again, and that's going to be hugely embarrassing for me. Oh, absolutely. All right, here goes nothing. Now, Griffin, as you pointed out before you started recording, this is an audio medium. Could you describe visually what we might be seeing watching you? Well, it would be impressive. You'd see just sort of my left cheek convulsing wildly as I

created a sort of wet meat slap sound of my cheek against, nope, see, it's hard to do it sometimes. Now, Griffin, if you were doing foley, what would you say that this sound, because I would say that this sound is recreating perhaps a nude person with a penis skydiving? Yeah, just sort of flipping and flapping around in the wind. Yeah. This is it, isn't it, guys? This is the last thing to joke about. We've joked about all the other things. We've done jokes about all of the things. This is the last thing we haven't done jokes about. It says right here, 499, then it just says Griffin mouth sound.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it might be juice, but can I say something? That sounds like the jealousy talking. No, it seems like this is the end of it. Justin, is this the mouth sound? I gotta say, juice green is not a great color on you, but nope, that's not it at all. Nope, that's not it either. I can kind of hum and whistle at the same time. No, that's not anything. We've done that one before. Episode 302 is all about Travis's whistling noise. Justin learned how to do that funny clicking noise back in 103. This is the last sound. Justin's got a point here. I'm not saying it's the last sound. I'm saying this is the last joke. This is the last one. And I mean, it's not even,

we used a lot of our best material early on and that's fine, but this is it. Yeah. I think it sounds like the inside of a cat while it's purring. You know what I mean? Like if you could really hear in it. Or maybe a thin steak in front of a high-powered fan. That's a good one. Yeah. Or like, yeah, that's probably what it is. Well, okay. Wait, Griffin, I'm gonna, I'm gonna set it up like this is an old-timey radio drama. Sure. And you just cue the noise when you think I'm setting you up. You ready? Yeah. Justin, if you, hold on. And Justin, if you want to play along in the bit too and play in the space with your two brothers who

are out on the playground and having a lot of fun together. My mouth hurts. I have a sore on my mouth. Okay. We've all got fucking sores on our mouths, Justin. You can be, you can be maybe the femme fatale in this radio drama I'm creating. Just play. Okay. I just want to fucking play with you, dude, because you're our brother and our co-host. Okay. All right. Let's get the drama started. I'll do the opening narration, okay? Well, starting out like any other day in my detective office that I have.

And I popped my feet up on the desk and there he was in the doorway making a sound that sounded like this. I can't do it if I'm smiling. Okay. Justin, I'm sorry. Hey pause. Time out real quick. I just ramped up to it, Trav. I know, but Justin, maybe you've never listened to radio dramas before. Rarely is the Foley set up as now listen to a character make a noise. That's actually bullshit. There's a lot of those radio dramas where it's like, and the clumping of hooves was very loud and it was okay. That's fair, Justin, but you've proved my point because what you did not say is

then someone walked in making a sound like the clumping of hooves. No, they were making this sound. My newest client at Slim Leeds Detective Agency, if you let me get to it was the good name of it. And that was my next client. So let me please pick the audio drama back up and yes, this is going to last the entire episode before you ask a lot of jerky to establish the sound. I think that would be good. Hey, can I see if I can do it my right cheek? Yeah. Nope, I can't. No, that's much more of a broken down jalopy. Can we start doing the show? Is that enough? If Travis, if Griffin, making these bizarro

horse noises is making the hair on the back of your neck stand up, we call that nay SMR. Oh no, that was the last joke. That was the last joke. If one might even call it that. So there he was making the sound, see, with his voice. And he said, I have a case for, well, no, he would, you would say, you would say what he would say to Slim Leeds. Hey, I've got a case for you. Um, I do hold on and my dog is sick. And also, hey, I'm here, the guy who set up the radio drama. I guess I'm sweeping the floor outside the hallway. We've been talking to the casting director on this one.

Yeah, but I'm the casting director. Sure. But this happens a lot in this business is that you got boxed out a little bit. Damn it. I can't believe I cut myself out of this. It's your look. Honestly, Travis, it's just not right for this one. We had Justin come in and sometimes an actor just really takes a role. Because he was supposed to play the femme fatale and he took over. I was going to be the detective. He took over. Yeah. He's got the look. Yeah. What were these two talking about? I couldn't make a hill of beans out of it. He's so in it. He's so fucking in it. I didn't know what this had to do with me, but I could smell mystery was a case.

So what brings you to Slim Leeds? Cigarette, cigarette, cigarette. Hey, what's our first question? Here's my first question. What brings you in? What's the case? I'm ready to get cracking. You know, in retrospect, I don't think I sent out the questions. Tough guy, huh? Playing tough. Oh my God. I'm about to send out a few questions. Here's my first one. You just punched me in the mouth. That's not a question at all. Yeah, a little chin question and you, you, the smart looking whatever there. You're giving me a hug. What? Now I'm hugging you again. Oh, I feel better. It's less threatening now. Oh, I feel

better. Yeah. See unconscious guy on the floor. Snap out of it. Oh, the noise persists. Hey, it's me to play my game and then you gotta call about your pipes making a funny noise. Can't do it anymore. I formed this callus on my cheek that's made it impossible to make the noise. I'm going to read the first question if Justin doesn't. I don't have the questions. I just sent them. There's a lively security officer at my office who walks around and has a rhyming nickname for everything like Mrs. Brown from downtown or Mr. John who's rocking on. I got too depressed by this person to continue with the great character of Slim Leeds, but Slim Leeds will return later in the podcast at some time. That's a breakdown. We might have to

do a spinoff. When they come to me, they just say, hey, Zach, I don't have any beef with the security officer and I've been here for over six months. What can I do to get a great nickname? That's from default name in DC. Yeah, there's not a lot of words that rhyme with Zach. Yep. Zach, Nick or Zach? Here comes a sack full of Zach snacks. That's pretty good. There's a lot of good ones that you could do. So you want this? Do you want this to happen to you? Hey, do you want this? You want to be nut Zach? You want that? Griffin, why would that be it? The other one or Mrs. Brown from downtown and John who's got it going on and nut Zach? He clearly doesn't like you. I say, hey, I want a nickname too. He's going to be like,

okay, nut Zach and then he's going to give you nuggie and that's not going to be any good. I don't know why you would want that. I had a gym teacher that called me macaroni and I fucking hated that, dude. Yeah, dude. I used to get that so worst. I think that the security guard has come up with mnemonic devices to remember people that he thinks or they think are shady. So maybe Zach just seems like a real upstanding individual and the security guys don't worry about remembering anything about Zach or he's the only Zach. Zach and he's not, I don't want to call you Zach Zach, the only Zach. Right. The prime Zach. Either one of those are great nicknames. If I was called Zach Zach, the only Zach, I would love that. That would be good.

There's a lot of, and you know what Zach? You really should count your blessings because there's probably a lot of people that can't even, that aren't eligible for this treatment. Poor example play. There's a Philip. What are you going to do with that? Yep. Here comes Philip. Philip the tank. There's nothing that you can do with that. So like you should at least celebrate that you could one day earn a nutsack. Hey, Griffin, did my microphone cut out when I said Philip the tank? I'm just making sure because I thought that was a really good one and you didn't acknowledge it at all and I thought maybe my microphone might have gone staticky for a minute. No, I just didn't think it was funny. Philip the tank, right? Because it sounds like you would fill

up a tank. It might just be a like a brain thing that I've got going on. Oh, okay. Yeah. Zach Braff. Now maybe it is Zach Braff. Zach Braff, did you write us a question? That's why he doesn't need that nickname because it would be absolutely wild to think that he wouldn't instantly recognize this star of Alex Anken scrubs. Hey, can I fucking lay it out on the line for you here Zachary? You don't know his name. You wicked don't know the security officer's name or else you wouldn't have called him this is security officer. So that's for damn sure. Okay, Griffin the counterpoint. Zach wouldn't have written an email that was like, Hey, there's this guy's like, there's this guy Ted who doesn't

know my name. He's not going to dox this poor fool. But there's, but there'll be so cavalier about Ms. Brown from downtown. I'm just saying you don't know the security officer's name. If you do say their name is Craig, you can just be like, Craig, Craig to the bitter dregs. And then like, you know that he is that you're safe to play with. Oh, so maybe you're going to initiate play. You got to start the play in a safe, comfortable place so that Craig feels safe to play. I like that. Hey, can I do a yahoo? I wish you would. This one was sent by Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma. It's yahoo answers user Noah who asks, is Buzz Aldrin allowed to climb into the exhibits in the Aaron Space Museum? If Buzz Aldrin wanted to go to the Smithsonian Aaron Space Museum in

Washington DC and climb into the original Apollo 11 capsule that they have on display, could the museum staff stop him? Regular people can't do this in museums, but he's the whole reason it's in the museum in the first place. This question also applies to other situations. Like if Leonardo da Vinci was alive and he went to the Louvre, could could took the Mona Lisa off the wall and walked out with it. Could he do that? Okay, now these are two different questions. These are two different questions. Wildly different questions. Unless once Buzz Aldrin got inside the Apollo 11 capsule and he blasted off with it out of the museum to take it to his backyard, where he would charge children five dollars to climb inside and experience a space adventure.

I don't think that that's the same thing, though. Now, could Buzz Aldrin go in and just take a moon rock? That's like, this is my gift to you. I'm going to take this back. Let y'all hold my moon rock for a while, but I need it for a project at school. Was that an option? Do you think that he had like one for them and they had like another one bulging out of his space pocket? And he's like, no, this one's for Buzz. I want to keep this weird moon rock for myself. Okay, first of all, he doesn't. Buzz Aldrin would swallow it if he was trying to smuggle it. Come on. Yeah, that's true. And that's how he became moon man. Now, great hero. This is the, here's why I think these are two wildly different questions,

because if Leonardo da Vinci was alive today, I think he could do whatever the fuck you wanted. Yeah. Right. He's Leonardo da Vinci, maybe, maybe a zombie, but at the very least, he's Leonardo da Vinci and he's like 800 years old or whatever. Right. Right. Buzz Aldrin, he's only 90. So, right. Nice try. I don't think, like, do you think, like, say, Tom Banksy, the street artist, walked into your museum and said, that's mine. Give it back? No. Okay. But this is, this is foolishness and I'm going to curtail it right now, because we're not talking about stealing. I've been to the Air and Space Museum. It's pretty radical. You go there, you see these big spaceships and there's only like one of them that they let you actually like

get in. Yes. And it doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't let you go anywhere. You can't touch the steering wheel or the go pedals, like it's dog shit, but whatever, like it's the closest you get to that big, beautiful, starry sky. But if you're Buzz Aldrin and it's your essentially space car that you drove to outer space and landed on the fucking moon. Yeah. Yeah. And I do not see, I do not see, okay, putting us at the question of legality, is there anyone working at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum that would have the fucking gall to say, hey, Buzz Aldrin, get out of the rocket, the rocket ship, Buzz. No, and I can tell you right now, all Buzz Aldrin would have to do is to say, while looking in the eye of this person,

I'm allowed to do this. I can do this. Smithsonian said I could do this. And you would say, I don't even think you would need to invoke the name of some stuff. I think you could just say, I'm allowed to do this. And no living human being would say, no, you're not Buzz Aldrin. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not stealing it. I left my wallet in here back in like 1969, when I plonked this shit down on the lunar surface. So like bad news, you little dipshit, I got to go back. I promised. I promised the moon lords. Oh, I didn't shit. I should have mentioned that actually. I checked the book out from the moon library and I need to return it. The fines are piled up. You could use any excuse. And that's why you don't have to use any, I don't

think because they're just going to assume you have moon books that you need to return or something like that. Yeah, they're just going to assume you got a hankering for some moon chow. We are telling a lot of fun jokes about the moon and space right now, but I do not believe there's somebody working at that museum that would tell 90 year old Buzz Aldrin to get the fuck out of the space. This is what I'm saying. Yeah, but you are going to need to see ID, right? Because you probably have a grip of old men trying to get in that rocket all the time. You are going to need to see ID. I'm Buzz Aldrin. I heard you. Haunted doll watch. Hi, Haunted doll watch. I feel good about it. It's been a little bit bum bum. In sort of the closest we're going to get to a Haunted

doll named after our show, bum bum. Oh, okay. I didn't know. I thought that you would just sort of said like a fun little on a monopoetic sort of like a drum leading us into the bed. It's called I thought it was like a new sound like bum bum. Like that. This one's called bum bum. Okay. Is this Tom Green's Haunted doll or what's up? No, he's bum bum. The Haunted clown doll vessel. Super freaky. And I have a actually, before I get into this, I do want to ask you guys, there's nine bids. There's 26 minutes left. What's the highest bid? What do you think? 1750. That's not bad. Should I try to get in here? Well, let's see. Let's hear the descriptors. We have time to read. Okay, we'll make a decision at the end. This is like a, we've tried this into a reality show.

Oh, don't even bum bum. The Haunted clown doll vessel. You're purchasing a tangible doll. He is a 21 inch plush doll. Meet bum bum. The Haunted clown doll. Can I, I, we've done a lot of haunted dolls. Is this our first plush haunted doll? Usually they are like a porcelain. Porcelain. Yeah, creepier. This one's pretty bad though. This one's pretty creepy. So bum bum is a Haunted clown doll. And here's the description. I know this will sound so weird, but I can honestly not tell you where in the world this doll came from. Okay, good start. I have asked everyone that comes in and out of my house if they brought it and put it in my office as a joke and everyone denies it. I bet you're a fun, I bet you're a fun person to talk to.

Excuse me. Do you have a second? I have a couple questions for you. I don't know how we got here. That's what it says. Okay. Not how he got here. I don't know how we got here. Neither do I. Trisha, neither do I, but I definitely want to get rid of him. Okay. I think you may have been passed around a lot. I don't enjoy that verbiage at all. He is not in perfect condition as you can see from the pics. Take that bum bum. Someone has rode bum bum hard and put him down wet. Yeah, bum bum is what I would describe as a challenging life. Bumbum is not in perfect condition. I have given him, or the spirit that resides in him, the name bum bum. Because I hate it. I named it because I want to be murdered in my sleep. I named him that because in the middle

of the night I will hear a sort of chanting and a very low weird voice saying bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum and then laughter. So fucking maybe Tom Green actually. Yeah. Yeah. This is like why son's original name was just because that's the sound he likes to make and that's how names do work sometimes. Yeah. Almost every morning when I come down into my office, he is on top of one of my other dolls. Do you have any kids in your house, mayhabs? He has also pushed things off the shelf and has made strange laughing sounds when I'm not in the room. Well, you didn't call him ha ha, did you? No. And also made strange laughing sounds is maybe the wildest way of saying laughs. Yep. Like we're just okay. Not an efficiency of language. I honestly don't think my other spirits

like him very much. Oh. I just need to be honest about that. Wait, hold on. I honestly don't think my other spirits like him very much. I just need to be honest about that. Finally. I'm going to get this off my chest. Yeah. He seems like kind of a predator. I don't really enjoy bum bum. I don't I can see Trisha doesn't either. I'm guessing that if you had time to spend with him and figure out what the backstory of the spirit that resides in him is, then he probably would settle down and act better. Yeah. Trisha, it sounds like you're taking some pretty fucking big logical leaps to get this thing out of your house. I also, I love it in these haunted dolls when you can see where the seller real remembered like they're trying to sell something where they're like, yeah, this doll really

be like, do you want someone to buy this? You know, if you really took the time with bum bum, I bet he'd come around and be a great friend. A great friend. At this time, I have too many dolls and cannot spend enough time with all of them. I hear that though. I hear that. That's a tough, that's a tough scenario. Most of these dolls do not need so much attention, but for him to settle down, he will need it. Handle with care. And then it has a thing about. This is fake bullshit. This is fake bullshit. Now, here's what's up. $17.50. Let me go ahead and crank $20 down on it. And you all can tell me when to, okay, that was not high enough. I've been instantly outbid. I can do 24, 25, 26. What do y'all think?

I think you should do 26. Because frankly, Cooper's birthday is coming up. Outbid. Outbid. 30. Wow. People, you think 30. Don't let bum bum sit through your fingers. Cut your losses, juice. 30. No. I've been outbid again. I am driving up the price of this. Yes. This doll. $36? Yes. That's got it. What are you gonna? Oh, wait. I don't, I don't want it. Oh, no. Well, it looks like we got ourselves a new mascot. That was so fast. It should be here before our show in Cincinnati. Okay. So I can, I can throw it into the crowd, throw bum bum out there, uh, into the crowd.

I'm just going to raise my maximum bid because now I really want them. $5,000. eBay just emailed me, your bid's winning now, but watch out for competition, for bum bum. That's all super freaky. He is super freaky. He's a nasty little doll. He's a nasty little doll. Yeah, nasty boy. And you don't take home to mother. So I just raised that bid one more time. Now I'm, now I feel comfortable. I just don't want to get an email during the show that's like bum bum is gone. And I have to get out the entire show to go to it. Hey, how's the show going? Bumbum died. You and your brother's tall and fun jokes.

You'll never see bum bum again. I miss bum bum already. Can you read the next question? It'll get the taste of all of that. I love that, Griff. I work at Duncan Donuts. They put donuts in parentheses. Have the strength of your conventions. You're just called Duncan now. Yes. And I have many customers that I see every day. One of my regulars is a guy, maybe late twenties, that smells really fucking good. Every time he walks in, the whole store suddenly smells better. How do I compliment him on his good smell without it being weird? Could I at least ask him where slash how he got this good smell? That's from good smells in

the Smoky Mountains. I recently got a new cologne from like the service that like kind of tells you what cologne would be good for you. And I'm not, I'm not going to fucking name them because they didn't pay, but like basically I did this. And the first day I put it on, I was signing my daughter in at school and there were several parents gathered around. And one of the moms walked up and was like, hmm, somebody smells good. And this woman next to me has the fucking audacity. See, has the, the sheer gall to announce that it's probably her body splash. Is it Trisha? Is it probably your body splash? She's fucking sniped your stink, bro. Wow. Is this, or is it the fucking heat I am bringing today with my new perfect stink?

No, it's not you. It's not your body splash. It's my amazing aroma. The point of this is I knew that compliment was for me and my ego dined off of it for the rest of the week, just feeling like a cool, good smelling person. I think, Jamie, I think that that was a win-win scenario for you because I think everyone knows it wasn't her and everyone knows it was you. So not only did you smell great, she sounded bad. Yeah, that's great. I would argue that if somebody walks into a room and changes the entire aroma dynamic of that chamber, it doesn't matter how good or bad that smell is. I think that smell is probably too assertive. Especially a bakery. A bakery has its own cologne. Well, are we calling duck in a bakery? I mean, it is a lower case B

bakery. Very stuff-baked there. Is that, do you know that to be true? I don't think you do. I don't. I don't. Now that you mention it, I assume so. Something's baked there. I'm sure I've seen an oven for my sandwiches. So let's just try a few things. Okay? Okay. Okay. Hey, that smells good. Is that you? Nope. Nope. I don't think you say that smells good. Hey, what's that good smell? Is that you? Hey, choice aroma. That's getting closer. Why don't you just say that? Just say it, folks. YOLO. Just tell somebody they smell fucking good. Okay, let me try something. Let me try something. What cologne are you wearing? It smells great. Presumptuous. What is your scent? That's bad. You obviously know that you've ranked into a bad sort of a scent. Tell me about your

musk. Enumerate your musk. Let's play a fun game. You've got a lot of great notes. Let's try and say an innocuous thing in a terrible way or a terrible thing in an innocuous way. I don't think either one is going to get you there. Okay, let me try. This is going to sound a little weird, but I would love to eat your smell. Now, which one was that, Justin? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So obviously, don't say that. Let me try this. Is someone wearing perfume? YUMMY is not going to get you there either. No. Hey, I was just huffing what you're bringing, and I love it. Hey, can you walk a little closer? I'd love to get another huff. Ooh, I like that. I think what we're hitting on is it is intensely personal. A comment on another person's aroma, right?

Yeah, but it's intensely personal. Unless they wouldn't put on an odor that waffable if they didn't want to get waft. I don't know that that checks out. If you walk into a room and change the scent matrix of that room, which you should be doing, you put on a scent hoping it would be just hectic by others. Yeah. I tell you this, sometimes I'll get ready in the morning and I shower and maybe I put on a little lotion afterwards and I'm feeling very cute, and then I go to join my family and my daughter's smell says, you smell great, and that makes me feel nice. Yeah, she's a child though. But here's what I'm saying, maybe the problem is you do not have a previous relationship with this customer. Maybe you smell

great needs to not be the first thing you say to them. Yeah. So you're saying you develop a relationship so you have a pretext for complimenting their smell. Correct. That seems backwards to me. That's weird. I'm not saying like you date for six months before you do it. I'm saying maybe it's not the first thing you say. Maybe it's like, hey, thanks for stopping by. It's good to see you again. If I could get some people to co-sign my legislation mandating that the only smell people are allowed to put on their body is Old Spice's Pure Sport, the default smell for human beings, we wouldn't be running into that situation. We'd be working at Duncan and someone would come in and be like, who smells like Old Spice Pure Sport and everybody will crane their necks? Why that's me

because legally the only smell you're allowed to have is Old Spice Pure Sport. I have some challenging news here. Nobody wants to get behind this with. Nobody wants to get behind this with me. I'm not giving fucking free plugs to anybody. It's 2020. I'm going to fill my life with laughter and love and fill my wallet with that fucking advertising dollar. And get down to business. And no, you can't. You shant, you can't. I have a troubling alert. There's 13 minutes left in the race for Bumbum as I've come to think of it. And now Bumbum, I've been watching the bidding price creep steadily up to just refreshing the page and it keeps jumping up by twos as someone tries to get to what my reserve is. And it's 66, 68. And now I've seen it go to 70. And now,

now we're at 72 and they're just fucking chilling. And I'm so somebody who wants this fucking doll terribly. They want it terribly. What's the reserve? That's not the important thing. The important thing is that it's for the bit. That's huge. There's someone with a W at the beginning of their username. And they just, they just, I'm looking at the history of this now. 60, 62, 65, 67, 69. Nice. 71. And I'm still sitting pretty. And apparently at 71 they're like, that's too much for this. Too rich for my blood. Here's the thing that is tripping me out about this. I want to talk about right now. If you're going to bid 71 dollars for a very bad doll, you believe that it is haunted with a ghost, correct? You must on some level,

unless you're doing a competing podcast, let's rule that out. You must on some level believe this is a doll with a ghost inside it, right? Yeah. So what is it in your psyche where you're like, I'll buy a ghost for 71 dollars, but I'm not going to buy a ghost for 73 dollars. That's too much. Justin, I'll tell you, I've been doing a lot of budgeting and I think the problem is we're only halfway through the month and they're worried that they're going to use up all of their haunted toy budget early on in the month. And then at the end of the month, they're going to see something they really want for 73 dollars. Yeah. And oh no, they don't have it left in the budget. Relatable. Speaking of budgets, let's go to the money zone. Yeah, I'm going to need to go to the money zone

after I just raise this fucking reserve again. I'm going to brush those two. Now let's talk because I was excited about mine. Okay, what was yours? Because it's probably better than mine. I'm going to brush those teeth with quip. So that's like saying, that's like me planting my flag in the ground like, hey everybody. Oh, okay. Can I try mine? Yeah, sure. You gotta quip it. Quip it good. Ah, shit. That's pretty good. I feel like you're both good. You take this thing. It sounds like just wants to get a hand in the ball. Justin, you want to, I put my hand up on your hip. When I quip, you quip, we quip. Fuck. Is that, I think that's the end of the ad. Thanks, quip. Quip. Quip, it's tooth.

Quip, it's tooth is pretty fucking good, man. I quit my hair back and forth. I quit my hair back and forth. These people make toothbrushes. Can you believe it? What? In this day and age, the audacity. These are toothbrushes with electricity in it. That's right. The stuff from Lightning and they, you do it. Quip, ride the Lightning. It's still for two minutes. It's got sensitive sonic vibrations with a built in timer and 30 second pulses. Are there tiny people in there who are shaking the toothbrush? We don't know. The science isn't back yet. Is the electricity hurting the little toothbrush people? Probably. But your teeth are

going to be so clean. Your mouth's so fresh. Go to getquip.com slash my brother right now. Get your first refill for free. That's a new. Stand in defiance of God and hold electricity in your hand and let it touch your teeth. Quip is the prometheus of tooth brushing. You will harness the power of the cosmos. Go to getqyp.com slash my brother and that's quip. That is the Good Habits Company. Hold on just one second. I need to email Max Fun and just figure out when we're going to reschedule this ad that we're going to have to make up. If you just give me a second. Oh, you know what? I don't have to email them. I could send a letter because sending a letter can be as easy as sending an email when you can do it at home. Fuck off. With stamps.com.

What? You know, it could be if you got a busy day ahead of you and maybe you don't have time to get to the post office. Well, good news. You can do the stamps for yourself. Everybody do the stamps. With stamps.com, you can save five cents on every first class stamp and up to 40% off shipping rates. That kind of savings really adds up, especially for small businesses. If there's a business listed in this, hello. Hi business. Hi business. You sent me it weirdo. Why are you listening to podcasts? Get back to earning capital. Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer, whether you're a small office sending invoices. That's impossible. You can't be a small office

and a person listening to podcasts. It just doesn't make sense. It's that small an office, Justin. The office is inside one person. You don't need me for this. It's a computer that lets you print stamps. Okay. Oh no, don't give it away. A lot of businesses use it. Stamps.com. It's a website that does stamp. Right now, our listeners can get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment, except the commitment of telling people it's not for drugs every time they see it at your house. That is a commitment you are making. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. That's stamps.com. Enter my brother.

Hey, everyone. It's I, John Hodgman of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. And I, Elliot Kalen of the Flop House Podcast. And we've made a whole new podcast, a 12 episode special miniseries called I, Podious, in which we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called I, Claudius. We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star of I, Claudius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-Sir Daniel Stewart. Don't worry, Daniel. You'll get there someday. I, Podious, is the name of the show. Every week for MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks.

Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Reach for the stars. All right. I got scared there for a minute. No, it's the only one of my bits that's any fun. Reach for the stars. I'm going to give you reviews from the service Amazon. I'm going to tell you the number of stars in the review, and you're going to try to guess the product. Okay. Now, this is one out of five stars. The subject line is dirty and looked used. I bought this as a gift for a friend. She liked the thought, but when she opened it from the

shipping package, it was dirty, sticky, and looked gross. I wish I had opened it first because I would maybe have been able to clean it up and make it look new. Hmm. So, I was going to say some sort of funny prop, like a fake. Well, hold on. I feel like my best bet here is to always lead with fake poopy of some kind. So, I'll start with that. I will say along that vein, you are in the right ballpark. These are all gag gifts. Okay. I'm just saying this bit's going to get awfully easy if it's always fake poopy or throw up or pee pee. It's not always going to be fake poopy or throw up. They're just the reviews for them are so good. X-ray specs. Oh, good guess. Good guess. Okay.

This next one, there's another one out of five stars. Subject line, not cute. I bought this for a gag gift, but it wasn't funny. It was just ugly. Hmm. Hmm. Maybe like a nasty face. Like a mask that makes your face look like a nasty face. Hmm. Hmm. Fake teeth, like funny, fake teeth. Oh, that's a good guess. Okay. One more. One out of five stars. Hollow plastic, not durable. Got it for a gag gift for the wife. Knocked it off the counter before ever using it and it broke. The plastic is hollow and is not durable for drops and use. With wine, dot, dot, dot. Things will be dropped. Dot, dot, dot. Eventually. Okay. Okay. Wait. Okay. Is it a giant novelty wine glass? No. Damn. It's a wine glass, but it's kind of supposed

to be a wiener. Oh, so close Griffin. It is the sir perky, novelty bottle stopper where the stopper is his penis. Shit. So it's like a guy, but his dick's out and he puts, he fucks your wine to keep it fresh. Correct. So someone got that and they're like, this isn't cute. I don't know what I'm doing. Now this isn't cute. This next product, I normally tend to stick to the one star reviews or the five star reviews, but I've found a new plethora of fun in the three out of five star reviews. The nice middle of the road. This is three out of five stars. Not sure how good it is going to be. What? Is that it? Yep. Three stars. Not sure how good it is going to be. Uh-huh. This is a kind of preemptive review. Right. There's literally nothing I could use. A preview,

if you will. This one's another three out of five stars. Subject line, no. And the text is, no. You know we can't guess it from these clues. Oh, I know. Don't worry. I've got one at the end here, but here's another one. This is another three out of five. Subject line, fair. The text, not a bad product. So kind of the perfect three out of five star review. It's not bad. That's like life minutes you don't get back. You know what I mean? I sort of like this. Okay, I'm going to go let everyone know. I'm going to go spread the word. Now this one I think is going to give it away. This is a four out of five star. Uh, both is, and it's going to give it away because it says what it is in the review, but I like the direction the end of the review takes. Both is for a random gift

exchange with friends. Cute, easy to use, held up well over multiple uses in the microwave, and enjoyable for most people who love s'mores, even when not camping or near a fire. Otherwise unnecessary. Just use a plate on top of the s'more on top of another plate. So prevent the marshmallow from pumping up too much rather than melting properly. Is this a smoker label s'more maker? That is crags, but this person just chose to just undermine the whole industry by giving away the secret of just use another plate on top of it. Yeah, wait a minute. You don't need this. No one needs this. Wait, what am I doing? What are any of us doing? How about another question? Yeah, how about a yahoo actually? Whoa. Oh, sure. I have a hole in the armpit of my sweater that I've

just found. Oh, is this the yahoo? No, this is just like my day. I got him, by the way. I didn't want anybody to. Oh, yeah. Cincinnati, bum bum is coming for you. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is my home where I live. Well, now bum bum moves there too because I'm going to hide somewhere in the rafters of the city. Are you ripping your shirt open like the Hulk? What did you do? Did you just live on camera destroy your shirt? Griffin has now. Griffin has now. Boy, I'm glad I'm recording this call. Griffin has now ripped his shirt sleeve off. He's ripped his shirt sleeve off and is flexing for us. Which one do you guys want? The bear? Barracuda here? Or this guy that's still in a big long sweater sleeve? What are my

options again? Why did you ruin your sweater just now? What are my options again? Do you want this guy who it could be? You know what you're going to get when you go through this door. This door you don't know. Maybe it's weaker. It has to be weaker than this one because this one's fucking huge. But maybe it's not, right? Right. Yeah, that's true. I'm half intimidated right now. Good. You should be. The sweater was already ruined. It had a huge hole in the armpit and that's no good for me. I got to get this big intimidating picture of Buzz Aldrin off my fucking screen. Okay, here's a yahoo. This one was sent in by Michelle. Thank you, Michelle. It's by Yahoo Answers user Carol who asks, as I turn my video off,

woollahd, you like pine cones more if they were alive and could crawl around. Huh. Huh. You know, okay. I have been looking for a way to like pine cones more. Yeah, I don't dislike pine cones. I certainly wouldn't say like if we were walking through a pine forest, somebody pointed at one of these little spiky bastards on the ground and said, do you like that? I think I would probably say like, yeah, it's fine. I'm pretty like, it's okay. Yeah. Now, smear one in peanut butter, roll it in bird seed, hang it up on my porch. I love the thing. Who's that ever, who's that been for? I've seen, I've done that before, I think. I did that at like a church camp almost certainly at some point, but like even when I was doing it,

I was like, who's this for? Like, is a deer going to come eat this? It's for birdies. For birds. Oh, do birds like peanut butter? That's wild. I think the, I think that peanut butter is just a means of conveyance for the bird seed treat. Right. I, we had a bird feeder out back of the house and we had to get a little ladder and we filled it up, right? It was the little ladder for the birds, Justin, because they have wings. These fucking birds ate it in 24 hours. So then it was just like, I had this smell where I was like, I'm not going to fill these, these guys are obviously starving. And also, I'm not going to get into this fucking codependent relationship where I am like every 24 hours getting out the ladder

to go feed these birds. And before you tweeted me, yeah, it might have been squirrels. I don't monitor it. Okay. They're the same to Justin. It's the same outdoors animal to Justin, essentially. Here's the, this is the problem with bird feeders in general. And I'm sorry to get up on my cell box again about this, but I am providing food or one of the like the top three most important things for living beings. And I guess maybe they're helping with, I don't know, pollination or bugs or whatever, but I don't notice that. They don't bring your newspaper, they don't pick up your newspaper and fly it in. They certainly aren't making you fucking dresses so that you can go to the ball. And I've asked them. Yeah, that's some bullshit. Holly was trying to shove down our

throats. And here's the thing. I feed my kids. They do cool stuff. I feed my dogs. They do cool stuff. Feed my cat. She sometimes lets me pet her. What's this bird bringing to the table? Then I'm going out there. I'm getting its seed. Yeah. Let's, what do you want a bird to bring to a table, Travis? Like a scrap of hair at the small twig? I read about these birds who are bringing shiny rings and lost camera lenses and stuff back to people. Where's my army of birds? So let's, I mean, I've had some time to think about it while you two have been talking a bunch of bullshit that doesn't mean anything. I think it'd be pretty badass if pine cones were just scuttling around. What if they did it whenever you weren't looking? That's a fun little toy story

thing. But I think, you know, it would be better if they did it while I was looking so I could see it and be delighted by it. Yeah. I do think though, if you go to a Michaels and they have craft pine cones, those shouldn't move around because Michaels is a place of business. It's not the forest. That is, that is true. In 99.9% of cases, that is absolutely true. But you know what would be fucking funny guys? What? What? When like kids make a little turkey, like craft turkeys out of pine cones. Would those move around too? You would never seen it? Oh, that would be cool. They use it like the body of the turkey because it looks like a turkey's body. Oh, okay. So it would be like crawling around and it would have sort of turkey paper stuff on it.

I like that. That would be great. But then why not just look at turkeys? What if the pine cones were turkey sized? What if, okay, here's a fun thing that Travis just said and he didn't even know it because that's not how his brain works. If pine cones could move around and put turkeys now could not. So you just shifted it all one to the left? I think, yeah, I think that, and just to keep things fresh, I think we should probably do that every once in a while. Now, does that mean that eventually human beings won't be able to move around anymore? Yeah, like in Wally, while we're sitting on scooters? Well, no, it'll be more, it'll be more sort of just like, we can't move around anymore, tulips can. And it's like, well, it's our turn to cycle out.

I just installed Pluto TV. I'm basically there right now. Yep. How am I supposed to get out? They're showing guts. Oh, really? Yeah, dude. Do you think if pine cones started to move around, then we would start eating more of them? Huh, huh. Like if you're, well, would they develop a meat sort of sinew and a meat? Yeah. And an attitude that would make you feel kind of superior when eating them. I mean, what we're saying is basically how hedgehog did happen. That is true. I would have you guys been imagining pineapples this whole time, then you just not realize. What's a pineapple? No, that's different. No, no, you mean the fruit pineapple? Travis, did you just forget the word pineapple?

Okay, but to be fair, you said it like it was two separate words, a pineapple, as opposed to pineapple. Hey guys, lean in. What have I been picturing? Yeah, is like hermit crabs of the forest carrying them pine cones on their backs. It's funnier to me though, if it's just the pine cones. Yeah, you're describing Travis as sort of a natural phenomena that could Gryffin the video's back on accidentally. Accidentally, your video's back on and I see you again. And I can see a nipple. I can't see a nipple. I could just see it in one, if you could just It's way down the side. God, Gryffin, somebody got a light dusting of cinnamon on your armpit, Gryff, you should try to get that scene too. I got it. I got it out. I don't want to do this show

anymore. See, the problem is we did one Monday and this is Wednesday. We did one two days later and here's the problem. That's the fucking grand reveal. Okay, just we didn't have a lot of good jokes saved up and I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry, but it had some good jokes. Just go tweet about other episodes. If you didn't like this one, we'll do another one in a week and you'll like it more, okay? The next one's gonna kick ass. Yeah, that's what we have to tell ourselves after they're ever recording. The next one is gonna kick ass. Hey, can I give everyone a little reward for sticking around? Yeah, we're gonna announce our new tour dates. Oh, well, shouldn't we have done that after a good one? I think we may be. Yeah, let's not announce that. We're going to be at the

Orpheum Theater in Boston, Massachusetts, April 1st with my brother, my brother and me and Sawbones and then April 2nd with the Adventure Zone. And then on April 3rd, we're going to be at the Grand Theater at Foxwoods in Manshan Tuckett, Connecticut with my brother, my brother and me and Sawbones. Then, believe it or not, three weeks later, we're going to be in Baltimore on April 22nd at the Hippodrome with my brother, my brother and me and Sawbones and the 23rd with the Adventure Zone and then on April 24th in Norfolk, Virginia at the Chrysler Theater with my brother, my brother and me and Sawbones. So that's a lot of April shows and they bring May shows. May shows, yes. May shows, probably. They will probably have some shows as well.

Yes. Oh, but. And also just so I know, we're really excited to see everybody on the Chococruise. That's not a thing you need to buy tickets for or whatever. I'm just excited about it. That's a thing you can't buy tickets for. One might even say. I don't even know why we're talking about it right now. I'm just so excited. We are going to need questions for that, by the way. If you're going to be on the Chococruise and you would like us to do questions, we're doing two of these bad boys on there. So you can go ahead and start emailing those in Chococruise questions. Is that the email address? No, just in the subject of mine. And if you know, like if you're in the red group or the gold group, let us know.

So thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. MaxFun drives coming up soon. We got a fun bonus episode ready for everybody that we all had just a squealing good time on, I would say. And thank you to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. You can find a link to that online. You can find a link to that in your pocket. You can find that song for sale. You can find that song for sale. This is the end of the episode. Yes. I do have a final yahoo, this one. Oh, wait, hold on. Mother. Sorry, there is one more thing. If you're listening to this, on Monday, the 17th,

we still have a couple days before the Cincinnati shows. Go to macroi.family, click on tours. We're going to be at the Taft Theatre with my brother, my brother and me on February 19th. On February 20th, we're doing the Adventure Zone. I assume Sawbones is performing on Monday, all right, on the 19th as well. So go get those tickets and check out all the merch, macroi.family, hugs and kisses, Travis. All right. Here comes the final yahoo. Yeah. This one was sent by Adrienne Calz. Thank you, Adrienne. It's yahoo answers user Disco Stew asks, is it me or is the purge totally implausible? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy.

It's been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips. Hey, you've reached Dr. Game Show. Leave your message after the beep. Dr. Game Show is my favorite podcast and the only podcast my parents let me listen to because I'm 12, but even old people of this show, basically you call in, play games and have fun. If you win a game, a baby will send you a magnet in the mail. I have so many magnets and put them all over my locker and pretty much everyone at school is jealous because they are very cool custom magnets and it also means that I'm really good at winning games. And they even let me practice my record live on the air. Listening to this show is like going to a real doctor, but pretty much

kind of better. Dr. Game Show Rock. Listen to Dr. Game Show on Maximum Fun, new episodes every other Wednesday.