My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 499: Right Down the Middle

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

THIS IS A NORMAL EPISODE. Please do not come into this one thinking we’re doing some kind of pre-500 celebration, or something. It’s NORMAL. There is NOTHING that sets it apart from all the other episodes. OKAY?Suggested talking points: No Ramp Up, Soda Bag, Paul’s Finest Grape Cake, Bee Purple, Fall Off The Bone Love, Halftime Korn, Poker Griefing

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome to My Brother, my brother and mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy, and this one's going right over the plate, isn't it? Oh, it's a perfect strike? This one's going to be a perfect strike. Well, no,

because even that sounds like it takes on a lot of effort. This one's going to be by the books, huh? Oh, okay. Second base. This one's going to get you to second base. This is a ground rule double. I don't know what that means. A lot of people are like 499. There must be ramping up, and it's like, nah, we're not evil, can evil. You know what I mean? We don't need an approach game. This one's going to be right over the plate, and then the next one's going to be fucking wild. We're walking this bat. This is the batter. This batter is going to walk. We're going to walk this one because we know the next one's an easy out. But this one, oh, this is the big slugger who scares us because earlier in the season, he got that grand slam off of us to lose the big

game, and now we're a little nervous around him so we might walk him. But what's that? Oh, Travis is coming in here, and he's not ready to walk him. He's got blood in his eyes. He might kill this batter. I guarantee you will finish this episode of the podcast and say out loud. Fun. Yeah. They reported audio into microphones for an hour. Anybody can do that. I don't want to say it's going to be bad. It's going to be fine. It's just going to be fine. It's not juice. Juice. It might be great, but I'll tell you this much. It's going to be a lot like the other episodes. Yeah. This one's going to get, this is the big unit that Travis's analogy was perfect. It's going to,

this episode's Mark McGuire. We're going to pass on him. We're going to let him go on to first so he doesn't do a lot of real damage, but before fucking Big Poppy gets up here on 500 and slams one, this is the thing is like, no matter how well we did on this, this might end up being our greatest episode yet, but I think it would be rare to find somebody who would look at 500 episodes, like the 500th episode even and say, oh yeah, but the most special one was 499. No, that's not, that's weird. Here's what I'd say. Here's what I'd say. Okay. Yeah. 498 perfect episodes. Okay. Yeah. Certainly, certainly, dear listeners, I think you would agree, we've earned one right for us. Not bad. Just for us. It's just, it's go listen to episode,

I'm going to just 361. This one's going to be like that. I just assume it's not a live show or whatever the fuck. Like this one's going to be like episode 127, right? It's just going to be a fucking episode. Close your eyes and picture your platonic ideal of my brother and my brother and me episode. This is going to be it. This is the Venn diagram of normal episodes and this one is going to be one circle. We're going to do yahoos. We're going to have fun, but like don't expect us to set some shit up. No. This is not the Rosetta Stone. You need to understand episode 500. This one's Mark McGuire or MLB former home run record holder. But now you're expectations either. No, no. It's going to be fine. It could be good.

Griffin, you randomly pulled the 361 and I think that this episode, I would like to do this a few times. Yeah. I'm going to just click out a random number generator and return to some great episodes. I don't want to play clips from them. Yeah. I just like this. So in 361, yeah, see if any of this. Hashtag mambo number five. Nope. Nipple nipple shrapnel. No. A frequency situation. Nope. Fondue rules. That brings something of a bell. Navy Beans, Frials and Nasier. It sounds like one of a thing. Oh wait. Okay. Frials and Nasier. That sounds like one we talked about Frasier and that one. Yeah, that's got to be. Yeah. Hey, but we don't normally reminisce on this show. This one's got to be by the Bucks Juice. So. Well, no, I want it to be by the Bucks. Yeah, we've never made a callback

before, Griffin. Never successful. No, no, no, no. See a callback implies that we're just recycling bits. Uh-huh. I want to just return to the randomly selected episode 141, Dan the Man with the flan plan. Oh, no, I know that one. Fun to say. February 2013. So young. Favorite Oscars. Squatting. Okay. Eyebutt. That's probably a fruitful period. Big city livin. Okay. Dansexual. Now that one I remember. How rich. What a rich tapestry we were weaving. Did you say, did you say eyebutt? Was that Lorde's eye big B but like it was from Apple? Lord Almighty, that's good. An eyebutt is one, is one that was in here. That's a very powerful, that's a powerful turn of phrase. What might be a fun game is what is the most recent episode that I can't remember

a fucking lick of a thing about? Because I bet it's pretty, I bet it's shockingly recent. Yeah. Yeah. 466. Just pulled that out of my butt. That would have been 20, it's three episodes ago, right? We'll take a journey back to 466 Griffin. That was the food train. Okay, I remember food train. Okay. Okay. We're good. We're good. So 466. Food train was smart actually. Food train was a smart good idea. But let's go to 439. 439, I bet you know, it's a completely different three boys hosted that show. Okay, 439. Yeah. Well, that was, that was Camel Nights 2018. So you definitely do remember that. The memories are there, the memories. So they didn't probably stay much around like, oh, but this year's number, buh, buh, buh, buh, which is an excuse for us not to do our usual

jokes. 437 to take it back to before that. A silent chug. That's business paintball, wishbone brutality, big candies. Oh, the fast food arms race, Sirius Zapdos, and horny radio Disney. It's just none of it. Okay, I got, I got, I got, I locked that in. Is this fun for anybody other than us? Probably not. It's barely fun for me. Yeah. I work for a food delivery service. Congratulations. We can all agree this is a classic start. Yeah. You know, this is right down the hill. And I tried to follow it up to you by doing the thing where I pretend like, even though I know Justin's reading the question, like it's the Justin is saying that thing about himself. Yeah. Classic. That's classic. Classic. Classic. I'm going to miss these bits in the new

era. Yeah, right. In the, in the light of 500 when things change so dramatically that it's scarcely recognizable as a podcast. That's what I'm going to stop phoning it in. 500 is our goop. This is what I'm saying. Yeah. Listen, I want to get back to this question for sure. Although I bet that when I started with, I worked for a food delivery service, there were probably at least 75 people listening. They're like, yes, they did mine. All right, you're going to say 75% and I was going to. That number might also be accurate. Yeah. Anyway, 500 is our goop. And what I'm saying is we're going to transition from pure comedy to more lifestyle brand. I like that. That's where the money is, is a lifestyle brand.

Yep. And then we can, I've got my new bit called Exfoliation Station. Everybody's been clamoring for me to have my own segment. So I'm going to be talking about all kinds of crystalline rubs. I'm going to be talking about peels. I'm going to be talking about acids, abrasive, acidic, just, but your skin is either going to look great or. Be gone. Be completely now your bones. And even that, maybe we can talk about that. Yeah. How to, how to beautify your bones. Everyone's focused on such service level stuff. I'm talking about like what's inside that counts, which is how pretty are your bones? Make those fucking sinews pop. Let's talk about the deep tissue.

That in skin, but dazzling. I'm going to do a new segment called what not to wear and it's W-H-E-R-E. And it's all about which vacation spots are out this season. Loving that. Thank you. I'm going to do a segment called toxic people in the trash for me now. It's about relationships. Oh man. Are you in some way implying that that's Groven and I? No, no, no, not in any way. You guys are bringing some incredible stuff. Exfoliation, the vacation stuff. I love it. Why not to wear, please?

Sometimes when I pick up food from a restaurant, I ask for a drink. Okay, wait, let's run it back to the beginning of the question because we might. I work for it. Okay, but that is actually applicable to me. Sometimes when I pick up food from a restaurant, I ask for a drink. About half the time they just give me a drink, but sometimes they ask for payment. And then I'm forced to pay for the drink because I'm not going to tell them I don't want it out. That's true. They very fucking got you right where they want you. Thirsty. Brothers, how can I get a free drink from these restaurants or decline the drink

after the fact? And that's from no such thing as a free drink. You can't. This is so, this is so fucking wild. This is such a wild, like fast food hacks, keep an empty cup from every fast food restaurant in your car so you go in for free refills level of you asking us how to fucking cheat the Burger King, how to personally cheat and bamboozle the Burger King. Okay, counterpoint though. I get it because like you are getting like, oh, long day, huh? We're both in the food service industry. Yeah, just picking up another order for those bags of bones who can't come in and get it.

Am I right? Anyways, I love them, Mr. Pibbs. But it's, but if that's the sort of spectrum we're going off of when I worked at TCBY, I never walked into the Baskin Robbins down the street and said like, oof, ice cream days, tell me about it. These hot times, oh, when the hot times are here, ice cream days get rough, right, fam? Anyway, Sprite for free please. But what have you had and it worked? That's what I'm saying is this question asker, there's already some proven proof in the pudding here that they have received free drinks. They're not asking, can I go do this? Half the time, this works. Here's what I would, here's what I would do.

When the person, when you're like, oh, could I grab a drink while I'm here? And they're like, yeah, for money, you say, oh, no monies and pull your pockets out and they're empty. And if you can have a moth in there, moth in there, that will sell them back. Oh, no monies. And then you might still get to free drink. But at the very least, it's like, I used, I delivered for, let's say, a sandwich chain known for their rapid deliveries. And a lot of the times people would tip me cash and I was so thankful because I needed that money to put gasoline into my car to get back to the sandwich chain that I worked at. And so like, it's not that far off. If someone was like, it's going to be $2.99 for this large soda or whatever. And I was like, no monies. Like,

I'm probably not lying at that point in my life. And you did have that trained moth that you used for this exact scenario. Well, the moth would wet its beak too. You know what I mean? It would get a little mister piven there as well. Yeah. Here's what I would, here's what I would try. Hey, I'm really, really, hey, I hate to bother you. Thanks for the food. I'm really, really thirsty. Do you mind if I get a drink? And they're like, that'll be a dollar. And you look at them dead in the eye and say, I just meant from the sink in the bathroom, I was just going to get one. I was going to make my hands into a cup and then drink from the sink in your bathroom. Oh, I was just going to laugh up that muddy, dirty puddle outside. Sorry.

Wow. I didn't know. I just meant the puddle water. And then they'll feel so bad that they'll maybe just comp you. Okay, just don't do that on my way. I have a cold refreshing nickels worth of syrup and cardboard and enjoy this soda. Oh, what about this? Undercutting. That, okay, that'll be about 50. And you're like, okay, how about this? How about I give you a dollar and we both shut the fuck up about it? That's like a discount. Okay. Right. That's even worse now that I'm saying it out loud, maybe. Fire chance. That's kind of sprite embezzlement. If you think about it, you could just turn around and resell it to another customer. Be like, oh, shit, really? Okay, hold on. Wait, anybody want a sprite? Normal price? I did taste

it. So you know it's good. Why did I just say like, oh, I was having for an employee discount. And they're like, what? I deliver food for you. I'm an employee. And then if they're like, no, you're not. It's like, okay, and then you take the food and you deliver it somewhere else and you never talk to that person again. Yeah, sorry, I got confused. I thought I worked here because I'm here picking up food that I'm not going to eat and I'm taking it to someone else who is going to eat it and they pay me. I am here more often than you are. Do you know who I am? Do you know who the fuck I am? They say you have to pay for your drink. Just take the bag of food and up in floor. I quit. Take this job and shove your job. Please don't call my boss, which I think is you.

Or the app. Can you call an app? It would be if they say, try to charge you. Just pull a sandwich bag out of your pocket and say, I don't actually need a cup. I don't know if you have a cheaper rate if you just fill up this soda bag for me and then I'll be on my way. Just fill up this soda bag. I have a Yahoo here. This one was sent in by Daisy. Thank you, Daisy. It's a Yahoo answers user Anthony J. Who asks, you know such flavors? Huh? You know such flavors as chocolate cake and marble vanilla, strawberry, lemon, and such, right? Yeah. Like cake flavors. Take flavor. I know such flavors. Would anybody be interested in a grape flavored cake? The last thing I want to do is relitigate hot grapes. That is the last sort of predicament I want to get into. Can I say

something? Yeah. Cross my mind until you said it. Okay. Well, maybe my bit recall is actually better than I'm giving myself credit for. But let's talk about this. Where's the grapes cakes? Well, here's the thing, Ditto. Yeah. There's two different grape flavors, as is true with a lot of fruit flavors, I would say. We have the grapes that one might eat off of fine, and then we have the grape flavor that one might get and say a pouch of big league chew, right? That doesn't taste like that. They don't taste like each other. It's purple. It's purple flavor. It's purple. It's purple flavor. Yeah, but if you taste that weird big league chew grape, you're like, that's grape. I know what this tastes like, and you'll eat a grape, and you'll be like,

this tastes like grapes, right? But the twang do not meet. There's really not a good middle ground of both grapes, is there? And if you made a flavor that tasted like grape grapes, it would be weird as fuck. It would be really good, though, right? It would be good. Grapes is good, though, actually, Travis, I'm coming back around. Not saying it would be bad. I didn't say it would be bad, so it'd be weird. But they're not making cakes of this stuff. Yeah. They're making cakes of virtually every other flavor, right? I've had more lemon cakes than you could shake a freaking stick at. I don't know. I could shake a stick at a lot of cakes.

And I've seen a lot of shows where they're making stuff like this. Oh, yeah. They make weird shit. I've seen it on the Nailed It, on the Grape British Bake Off, on the Zumbos. But where's my Grape British Break Off? My Grape British Break Off. Let me fuck. My Grape British Bake Off. Where is it? I want to take a second. I went ahead and googled it. Grape cake, right? I googled grape cake, and the first result is a Food Network offering from chopped judge Alex Gornichelli. Yeah. And here's what she has called this, warm grape cake. Okay. And Alex, that's, don't tell me the temperature at which this cake will arrive to my guests,

because I would say you probably have a, at best, 10-minute window of warm, right? Before you hurdle past out of hot into cold. Now, it just challenges us. Why does she say, Alex knows this? She's a foodie. Why would she call it warm grape cake? And I think it's because Alex wrote the words, grape cake at the top of the paper. And thought, that looks fucking crazy. I can't call it grape cake. That's insane. It's absolutely can't do that. It's also entirely possible that Alex included. Well, you're at, in some point in the recipe. So at some point, you're going to have to cook these grapes. And then she was like, I got to warn people about what they're getting into before this is a sin against God. I got to

give them a heads up before they start mixing flour and what have you. Okay. Here's what I think it is, boys. Here's what I think it is. Wait, wait, hold on. I want to say something else. The second recipe is from once upon a chef. And it is called harvest grape cake. Fuck off. They need something. You got to get something in there because it's okay. Martha Stewart is the third result. And hers is called a winemakers grape cake. Just have some strength that you can stand on its own merits. Okay, to be fair, Justin, right? Someone walks up to you and they're somehow balancing three trays, right? And they say, this is a chocolate cake. And you think, ah, I know what that is. This is a strawberry cake. Yes. Yes. I understand. And this is a grape

cake. It's the next result after that is from kitchen and it's called fresh grape cake. Just I'm having to go to the second page of Google now to see if there's somebody who had the power to just stand in their fucking truth. Okay, fine dining lovers, soft white grape cake. So the cake is soft and white. It's weird how not every other fucking cake recipe has to say it's soft. Hey, how was the cake? Soft, warm, harvest, winemakers rock. Rock recipes has a sunken grape almond cake. Oh boy. Come on. That sounds bad. That sounds haunted. Okay. Picture this, right? The cake I described earlier. I hand you a strawberry cake. You cut into it. What color is it? Pink. Okay. I hand you a lemon cake.

You cut into it. What color is it? Yellow. I hand you a grape cake. You cut into it. Is it purple? But grapes aren't necessary. Oh, shit, trapped. Yeah. You better be prepared to stand next to your cake for each person that comes up and they're like, what's this? And you have to tell them, it's a grape cake. I know it's not purple, but it's not a purple cake. It's not purple flavor. It's not purple. It's great. This is a grape cake. Yeah, but shouldn't the bread be purple? No, grapes don't dye things purple. Like cut open a grape, rub it on something. It doesn't make it purple. It's kind of clear on the inside, isn't it, Paul? Yeah. Come over here talking smart about my grape cake. I don't think this flavor is going to be good in your cake. Well, Paul Hollywood,

have you ever had a fucking grape cake? No, actually, why are we making cakes out of these little guys? You win. These little nature's gushers. I love these things. I love these guys. I eat them all the time. You're right. I've never even made a cake with these guys. I make lots of cakes. This is weird. But then imagine Paul Hollywood gets on TV and they're like, so Paul, what are you making for us? And he has to say grape cake. Paul's grape cake. So it's just grape cake, Paul? I mean, it's a Paul's fresh, harvest special cake featuring also grapes. I bet that there was in history at least once that someone said grape cake. And they said, did you say grape cake? I hope so. I was like, no, grape cake? Oh, thank you. I just bought

it at the Cape Store. No, I didn't say grape cake. What? The grape cake? Okay, just call it Paul's grape cake. Just call it Paul's finest grape cake on the market today. I work at a hardware store, specifically in the paint department. I worked here for four years and I am a seasoned veteran, so I know my way around the color spectrum. I can make over 30,000 different colors. Jesus. Yeah, I mean, come on. How many colors do you two think you could make? How many can I make or how many can I name? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Right. Who is that? Who is that? Is that fucking Ross Perot? That is Ross Perot. Fuck, that's funny. Fuck, that's funny. But today, a customer asked me a question I've never heard before.

Which color is best? Well, brothers, what is the best color? That's Trent from okay, Cupid, Oklahoma City. Yeah, okay. Did you get, oh, you got a little confused. It's okay, say. Yeah, it's okay, say. I know, I know. Yeah, your brain got scared and confused of the truth. Blue. Blue? No, blue's a sad color, green. We got it, okay. If we sit here and talk about our favorite colors. Not our favorite best. Okay, but I'm talking about what we're currently doing, which is talking about our favorite colors. It's not going to be fun or entertaining. The bias has already, like we've been at this for 0.0 seconds, and the bias has already fucking crept in and polluted the game. So let's take a step back and we'll take blue and green

off the table for a minute until we can talk about it like scientists and adults. Okay, I will be a scientist then and I'll tell you. The answer is, unfortunately, in the context with which I imagine this question is being asked, which is like paint for either the inside or outside of a home or office or business of some sort. The answer is like eggshell or off-white or something, right? Yeah. Because then it's like, hey, we're not going to make a choice with this color, but it's not going to be white either. Oh, we're not going with white. It's going to have a little light to it. No, you are, right. You are though, right? What do you mean? You're saying, I just wanted to clarify that you're saying white's the best color. I'm not saying what I'm saying, off-white

or eggshell. Yeah, but those are white. So you're saying like the best Travis McElroy. No, I clarify. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Says white is best. I said in the context of paint for a room, inside or outside? I don't have room for that, my tweet. Listen, I love all this stuff. I think that's really going to help with the like the TMZ article and everything, but what about pale gray? How's that? We're getting close. All right, I'm going to take it in a different direction. With red, you can scare a bull. Yeah, but imagine a bull is charging. Okay, Travis, let's play in the fucking space for like a minute, scientifically. Okay, let's hypothesize in the space. Bull is charging at you. What color you want your little handy towel to be?

I mean red, but I don't think the customer's asking what color should I buy to paint my handy towel. Griffin color. The color Griffin has said the bull is scared of red. So is what we're is is the way the bull fighting works is the seas red and the bull has to be like, that's really fucking scary, but I'm not going to be cowed by this. I want to show that and he's boss, even though I'm fucking terrified of this. Yeah, you know, red was the color that every bull's gym coach award is the thing. And so the bull is like, I will not be bullied. That's where the term comes from by the color red again. Yeah, that's so I'm trying to think of like practicality, right? Yes. I think what about this camouflage? That's a few colors though, isn't it, Travis?

Well, you say that, but I see those videos on Facebook where people like dip dip dip a helmet, little dick a helmet, that'd be weird. They dip a helmet into water that has like camouflage paint sitting on top of it. Those are dude, and those videos are badass. Like we can all agree on that, but it's so far from being the way they said that and the ones where people dig out like a pool and a house and stuff. And they just like live there. Whoa. I can watch that with the sound off for four days. What about the ones where they make cakes, but they're like clear jello cakes? Oh, yes. The ones where they slowly make stuff out of like colored pencils and you know, it's like, oh, look, I'm going to recreate like a thing to sharpen pencils and I'm going to do it in like

a thousand steps. I fucking love that, dude. That's a good color. I think so far, if we're doing it with an unbiased stance, my Red Scares the Bull argument is still sort of in the lead because it's the one, it's the only color you're going to want if a bull's coming to get you. Okay. So unless anybody has something that can beat the Red Scares the Bull. The Red Scares the Bull. What's a color that bees don't like? I was just thinking about bees, Travis. Yeah, you were thinking about bees? But I don't think they give a fuck about color, do they? Well, what if you painted your whole house to look like a big bee? That's multiple colors. I don't think it's too big. Yeah. Do you know that bees can see colors

we can't? Oh, so it's probably the answer is probably whatever color that bee is seeing. Bee perfect. Bees can see UV. Fucking tripping. 24 seven. That makes me mad that there's a color I can't see. Thank you. I'm glad they're gone. Well, it's when you look at the color spectrum, right? And let's put on let's do it. Sometimes boys, I like to be a little bit nerdy and I like to really geek it up. It's like just past like indigo purple ultra violet, right? So like I just imagine it keeps going and then it's like ultra ultra violet. It gets purpler and purpler and purpler. So like bees, they see all the cool colors that we can see, but they can see the dankest fucking purples

that are so purple, like our brains can't even think about it. What if you guys, what if one day all the bees looked up and God had written in like ultra violet in the middle of the air, everything's fucked. You guys need to get out of here, but we couldn't see. Yeah. And the bees did and they're like, oh, we better go. Can I talk more about bees? Yeah. For one second. Yeah. I'd love that. Bees, bees cannot distinguish red from black. So I think if bees could talk, the first thing bees would say is you have got to explain checkers to me. What the fuck are you guys doing? Come on. You're just moving these tiny plates. I don't know, y'all, but it is wild. That's why we left because y'all are doing checkers so much. We're like, this is fucking nothing.

Okay. So just to clarify, bees can see colors that we can't, but they also can't see colors that we can. Yeah, maybe it's a trade off. I hate that. That's why we're so different, huh? It takes all kinds, doesn't it? It takes a whole village to pollinate a flower. Everyone should have a bee paired with them. The bee will tell us about all the ultraviolet stuff we can't see and we can be like, hey, let me explain to you why this can of mountain dew red looks so cool. I'm gonna make a point about bees. Everybody's pretty upset that so many of them. Let's just real quick. It's red. This scares the bull away. And now let's go. It's red. It's red. It's settled. Everybody's complaining about the bees leaving and they're upset about it. And I get it, right? And it's

because bee pollinate flower, right? Yeah, bee flower. Here's what I would say. If bees care about us, they would probably just tell us how to do it, right? How to pollinate a flower? If the bees would tell us how to do the pollinating, we would do it. We could do it and then they could leave. Like they could have told us before they left like, here's the secret. You give it a special little billy tickle and then you slip the pollen. I'm guessing. I don't know. Well, the answer would probably be like, well, you rub your bits on it and then you take your bits and you rub it over here on this other flower. She's a lot of bit dipping. They could have just taught ants, right? Like what are ants doing? They're not flying, Justin. Listen up ants. First things first,

you gotta get out of the ground. Sucks to live down there. What do you do with it? It's dirty as hell. Second, I want to talk about having a wank in the garden because that's how we do things around here. You're bees now, ants. I'm just saying bees could be ants. Well, yeah, obviously. Obviously. But without wings and the bees like, you gotta get up there and you gotta rub your bits on that flower. Every time the ant gets out there, it's like, all right, let's do this. And it's got to like climb up the flower stem and then it gets out there and it's like, why don't remember my bits on that? Or maybe it gets out there and somebody's already rubbing their bits on the flower. And it's, I mean, also ants are just so strong juice. So when they get up there

and they try to crank off, they're going to rip their members, dude. Yeah, dude. That's actually true. Yeah, dude. Hey, let's, let's take a break. Right. Punch a hole right through their thorax, dude. These ants are going to be cranking. Let's go to my zone. Yeah. So we forgot to record the freaking ads, man. And I don't have an excuse for it. If you're looking for excuses, go somewhere the hell else, because we just forgot. We recorded like a bunch of Mbem Bams. This, no, you know what, this, this ain't over the plate. Is it? This one's pretty far off the plate. So I'm just going to do the ads real quick. And we'll pretend like this never happened. I mean, pretend like you heard the ads and act on them because that makes us look like

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AwayTravel.com slash my brother. That's AwayTravel.com slash my brother to start your risk free 100 day trial with Away. We are also sponsored by Warby Parker. Warby Parker. I know it's a scary name, right? It's got war right in there, but you don't need to be scared because it also has park in there and parks are great. They have grass and birds and trees and stuff. Warby Parker doesn't deal in grass and trees. They deal in glasses. They do the home try on program where they send you five pairs of glasses and you try them on for free for five days and there's no obligation to buy them. They ship for free and they include a prepaid return shipping label. You just go to warbyparker.com slash my brother. You take a quiz and you order your free home try on kit. They've also got new

contact lenses, daily contact lenses. It's called Scout by Warby Parker. It's made from a, and this is in the copy so I apologize, super moist material that resists drying for lasting hydration and comfort. Order a trial pack that includes six days worth of contacts for only five bucks and then receive five bucks off your next Warby Parker order. Learn more at warbyparker.com slash my brother. Just do it. Warby Parker does it right. They get you the glasses right. They start at 95 bucks and they include prescription lenses and those lenses have anti-glare and anti-scratch coatings. It's good stuff. Warbyparker.com slash my brother. Hi, I am Laurie Kilmartin and I'm Jackie Kaysha. Together we host a podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show. We're both stand-up comics.

We recently met each other because women weren't allowed to work together on the road or in gigs for a long, long time and so our friendship has been unfolding on this podcast for a couple years. Jackie constantly works the road. I write for Conan and then I work the road in between. We do a lot of stand-up comedies. So we celebrate stand-up and we also bitch about it. We keep it to an hour. We don't have any guests. We somehow find enough to talk about every single week. So find us. You can subscribe to The Jackie and Laurie Show at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, bye. I'm standing up. Whoa. Right down the middle. This is one that's usually here and now it's here again. Munch Squad. This is a little late. So we may have missed this promotion

folks but I'm sure plenty of you took advantage of it. Boston Market selling baby back rib bouquets for $29. Oh, $99. Holy shit. Yeah, I think we missed it. I don't think they're gonna do it on Easter. No, then they just sell crucifixes. It's two ribs and a crucifix. Same price. Same price. Still $30. It's all about the experience. It's experiential eating at Boston Market. Hey, we're kind of taking kind of an avant-garde approach to what it means to be Boston Market. Boston Market is bidding farewell to flowers and chow to chocolates this Valentine's Day with a new one of a kind gift. A romantic bouquet made of its newest menu offering fall off the bone baby back ribs. That term has never sounded good to me. I need it to be on the bone at least

until it reaches the mouth quadrant. Well, and certainly if your plan is to deliver a bouquet of them to your lovers, he would want them to stick to maybe maybe they're stick to your ribs ribs with a pile of meat on their floor and a bunch of bones. Hey, this Valentine's Day, how about a dozen fall off the stammeroses? Right. It's beautifully assembled with one dozen Tinder Boston Market baby back ribs. The limited edition and sure to be coveted. Fucking pull up an imaginary store and then get a seat belt on your imaginary store and strap yourself into it because this is about to blast you right out of the water. Are you ready for this? The sure to be coveted. Bay B. A. E. Be back ribs bouquet. The Bay be back ribs bouquet

will be available for purchase on Friday, February 14th in all Boston Market restaurants, nationwide, while supplies last for $29.99. Hey, fuck, it's one day. So there are people, other humans, you know, like us people on earth, they had to spend their life minutes learning how to make a tasteful rib bouquet for this fucking punchline of a promotion the last one day. Hey, Justin, can I just dip in real quick for a second to touch on that thought? Because when you say like beautifully arranged, tastefully arranged, the idea to execution gap that exists there for me is insurmountable. I'm going to take these dozen bones with meat and drippings on them. Right. And arrange them so that a human being would look upon them with

their eye jellies and say, beautiful. Well done. Well arranged. These have certainly been touched more than the usual rib. I'm crazy about them. And even more so than another human being with their eye jellies would look at the new human being holding this and say, I wish I had that. And imagine, imagine the light in your lover's eyes and the shame in yours when you admit to them it costs $30 for this fucking punchline. When we first toyed with the idea of adding baby back ribs to our menu, we knew we normally do baby back ribs. It's a newer offering. When we first I love the phrase toyed with the idea like playful. Hey guys, wouldn't I just want to put the tiger on the table and fucking just yell at it? Wouldn't it be so

funny? So cute and sweet. Oh my god, baby back ribs to our menu. We knew we wanted to focus on flavor and quality, says Chef Tony Fialho, director of culinary innovation at Boston Market. That's why we had to put him in a fucking crazy shape. Nothing says quality like pretending like baby back ribs or flowers to try to sell them. That's why we're slow cooking our ribs to fall off the bone perfection again before smothering them in sweet baby raised famous hickory barbecue sauce. We just launched baby back ribs a few weeks ago and our guests are loving them on their own. Our baby back ribs are short of the light barbecue enthusiasts everywhere. But when packaged in a delectable bouquet, they're the picture perfect

Valentine's Day gift to help anyone delight and feed that special someone. That is the one of the things is you have to sit there and watch your lover consume the entire bouquet. That is part of the gift. Boston Market is also inviting guests to celebrate their day over a shared plate of baby back ribs, making it the perfect date night spot for some Valentine's Day loving. Oh my god, wait, read that last sentence again, but slower and deeper. Boston Market is inviting guests to celebrate their day over a shared plate of baby back ribs, making it the perfect date night spot for some Valentine's Day loving. Yes, friends, Boston Market is encouraging you to fucking the booth. Come on in. Eat some cornbread and fucking, you know, never my most ready for a sexual intercourse

then after consuming a bunch of ribs and bread in public at a Boston Market for $30 on February 14th. Pork isn't the only pork at Boston Market. It's a double entendre on February 14th. Couples can enjoy a romantic dinner for two featuring two half orders of ribs, two sides per person, and two pieces of cornbread for only $20 with a coupon available online at Boston Market. So you're telling me I can get a dozen ribs plus extras plus some bonuses and then arrange them myself and saved a 10 spot is what you're telling me. Yeah, I don't know how much you're in the portion. 10. A half rack is like, it's got to be more ribs for 20, but they're upcharging you.

Although you know what? This is the $10 question. How do you arrange these ribs? Well, that's a great question, Griffin. I'm going to share with you an image of what it looked like and it is troubling. And this is a promotional image. I'm sharing it in Slack now. It should be noted that this is not an image of like someone at home got this or this is what it looked like in there. Perfect. I wish I'm going to need to tweet this one out because the way these ribs descend to the stem does not make sense. It can't. It can't. It also kind of looks for this promotional image like they took kind of like big hunks of like wet newspaper and dipped it in like mud and chocolate and said, delicious.

This isn't, this next part isn't germane to the story, but it is they've thrown it in here. Boston Market fans can also spread the love even further when enjoying the new baby back ribs or any of their other favorites. Thanks to the recently launched rotisserie rewards program. The loyalty program available via the new Boston Market mobile app for iOS and Android online at bostonmarket.com or in restaurant. Are you doing that intentionally? What? The Ellen Barkin restaurant. Bostonmarket.com or in restaurant allows customers to earn one point for every dollar they spend in restaurant or online. Can you guys, can you guys imagine what it would be like to order your food at Boston Market and then say,

hold on a second. I'm a member of the rotisserie rewards program and I want to make sure I'm credited the points for these ribs I'm buying. I'm not eating these ribs for my enjoyment. This is work to me. I need these points. You probably recognize me. I'm part of the club. So anyway, Boston Market is making a truly delectable Valentine's Day mistake. I'm sorry we missed it. I'm sorry we couldn't get out there and warn people about it ahead of time, but here's a quick yahoo. And this one was sent in by Toasty Feet. Thanks Toasty Feet. It's anonymous yahoo answer user. I'm going to call him Blaze asks, corn with a K, future Super Bowl halftime show? Oh boy. Will corn with a K ever be selected to

do a Super Bowl halftime show? And then a first response here three days ago, Conley 39 says, it's possible, but unlikely. Well, that's true of anyone being announced. They could say we're doing a live, my brother, my brother and me for the, it's possible. I just, I know I'd rather see corn. Yeah, no fucking kidding, man. Corn, corn rips ass, dude. Okay. Here's what it's like, here's what it's like. A corn halftime show. Here's how it would go. The first two or three minutes, you'd be laughing your fucking brains. It'd be so fucking hysterical that corn was doing the halftime show. And then like five to seven minutes in, they'd probably do like a really obscure cover of some cool song. And I think by, I feel like by the middle of it, you'd be like,

hey, this kind of rips ass. Hey, weird. Maybe I fucking love this. Actually, this kind of fucking rules. Like this kind of rips ass. Does it? Hey, wait, did we all forget that maybe freak on a leash wasn't like a bad song? Like this, it's kind of fun to, with your friends, when you're all palling around and having a few laughs to be like, well, when he does it in the context of this song, it actually kind of beats ass. Okay, this is a real Yahoo for adults. Gray Synodin, it's anonymous Yahoo Answers user. I'm going to call JJ asks, what would happen if I trolled a poker game in Las Vegas? Say that I'm in a Las Vegas strip casino and I go to the bar on the casino floor and order the largest beer they have. Then I walk over to the poker room where people are

playing poker and I fling the beer out of the mug at the table. Then people are playing poker one moment and all of a sudden a tsunami of beer comes splashing down all over the table, the cards and the chips. Then I make a run for it, be lining for the nearest exit. And in some casinos, the nearest exit is not far away from the poker room. Lori, what would come of that? Okay, can I just say I love that this person asked the question, what would happen and then describes what would happen. I throw it and then I have to run away because I assume people will be chasing me because I'd be very much in trouble. Lots of people play poker. Lots of people play poker and it's a pro sport and a lot of people are playing poker these days. But I feel like

there's a lot of room left at the table, the gambling table where they play poker, for advanced stratagems like this one. Obviously, this is like 90% of what poker, people will tell you it's about like how you bet or how you play the card. No, it's about the showmanship. It's like maybe you've partnered with the beer-throwing person. Oh, this person's on a hot streak. I got to ice him. I'll signal to Bobby to throw some natty light on the table. Oh, what's that? This person has obviously unlocked the door for us and ushered in a new era and that's great. But I can think of like 100 different ways we could just go ahead and bump it up. We can escalate it to the next level. So you're playing

and you've got pocket rockets, baby, and the flop comes out. It's like two, two, three, and you're like, fuck, yeah, I got this all in. The other person's like, I'm all in. And then they flop before of a kind. And you're stuck there with your pocket rockets like a real dipshit. And then the poker umpire. Yeah. Devilfish. Well, the umpire, you're playing against devilfish. And the poker umpire's like, I just want to make sure he's in the middle. Yeah. Devilfish is there. And also Richard kind is there. Richard kind is there. He's having a fucking great, he's losing a lot, but he's having the time of his fucking life. Yeah.

I lose to devilfish from my pocket rockets and they're like, oops, sorry, Griffin, you lost with your pocket rockets. I think I should be like, but like, I don't, but, but like, I'm not going to give you my chips this time. Yes. Because the hands I had, the cards I had was, the cards I had were really good. And the hard cards you had were really good also, but I'm going to hold onto my chips this time. And like, I don't think there's much you can do about it. Well, this is where the old double or nothing maneuver comes in. Oh, nice. Because you lose, but then you just yell double or nothing.

And no one really knows what that means. But if the person agrees and you win, then you don't have to give them anything. I think I thought, or you get double. I'm not really sure. Can I tell you what my go-to maneuver is? My go-to, cause I, you know, I, I play the rooms, you know what I mean? I'm out there, I'm on the felt, I'm kind of a felt jockey, you know, I'm playing the green field. You'll flip the ponies. You'll flip the ponies. You know what I mean? Like I'll, I'll dig with the spades, you know what I mean? I'll, I'll eat the clovers. I'll break some hearts. I'll cut some diamonds. You get it. Well, these are all card terms. These are what people say.

You'll put some dice in your butt. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Griffin, right? I'm a, I'm a chipper. And if I, I look at my cards, right? I've stuck in. I've, I've called every bet and then I realized I'm losing and there's no way I could win. I pull a deck of cards out of my pocket and I start dealing them. Oh man. And I deal them out to everyone else, right? And now we're playing simultaneous hands of poker. And maybe they've forgotten which cards are going with which game, you know what I mean? And I can just flip flop. And that's where the term flop comes from. Exchange my cards for other cards from my other hand and I win both hands now.

There's a lot of silly stuff you could do at the table to get everything all scrambled and mixed around. Yeah. You know, you could also, a big fan, a big fan guys. Like no one's even thought of a big fan yet. And you don't even need electricity. It could be like one of those, like big just hand fans. Yeah. And you could blow, you could blow the game away. Sometimes I also will just take my hand and all my chips and I'll put them up the front of my shirt and pretend like I'm pregnant. Yeah. Or I'll like, I'll dribble someone else's chips like behind their head. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, what's that? I've got to stick it. Do you ever palm a real chip and then raise one of the poker chips to your mouth and then secretly eat that

real chip and just be like, get it? And that's a great strategy. You could also just like, when you're the short stack, you could just be like, I'm all in. And then you pick up all your chips and you throw them into another player's chip pile. And then you point and say, hey, some of those are mine and they don't know how many. Yeah. And here's the thing. If anybody gets too mad at you about any of these stunts, there's a new, there's a new secret life hack I've been working on right here. Okay. If anybody gets too mad at you about any of these stunts, here's a foolproof plan. I'll get you out of almost any situation once you look at them and you get embarrassed and you say, I'm sorry, we're filming in Sino man too. And then you point, see, there's the camera

over there. And when they look at the camera, you run away. That would work pretty much any time you've done something embarrassing. Because like, of course, is K-Fan. I mean, I've barely laid the groundwork for it, but yeah, unless I guess, unless I imagine this, Justin, you do something embarrassing and you say, I'm filming in Sino man too. Oh no, the person you're embarrassing in front of is Brandon Fraser. And he's like, I know you're not filming in Sino man too, because I get first looking in Sino man too. No one show me a script for it. Or he's like, what, or he's deeply wounded. Wait a minute. Are you, you, wow. Okay. Ouch. This one hurts. I guarantee he got last or right refusal on that one. Right. When they tried to book him originally there,

we got Sean Aston, we got, uh, the weasel. And now we need to get the phrase. And he was like, I'll do it on one condition for any future in Sino mans. I get right of last refusal and last rights. I don't think poker players should get to think that there is that they're cool as they are. I think poker players where the upside down visors and sunglasses, and they smoke big stoke is, and they have cool names like devil fish and they drive big cool loud cars and, um, they're, they think they're so big and cool, right? Hey guys, you're playing board games. Uh huh. You're basically playing a board game. Like, you know what I mean? I mean, yeah, but we have a whole show where we play Dungeons and Dragons and I like to walk

around with those sit down visors and sunglasses inside and stuff. I'm just saying. Polly Shore wants to make Encino man too. Oh, I found this story from 2014. He's in. Oh, okay. We got the weasel. Dammit. The weasel wants to do it. It's probably so picky too. Encino man too. Let's do it. He said, my agent and I are talking about it. It looks like the the writer Sean Shepes of the 1992 original quote already has an idea for the story, but hasn't written it yet. So that's the roadblock. Do you think the idea of the story is there's a caveman of some sort and he's doing something in Encino? He's got kids and one of them is half caveman. He's given the kids caveman disease and he can't live with himself. I'm sorry, Justin. If you remember correctly at the end of the movie,

there's also a cave woman who appears and she and caveman appear to be happy together. Maybe. He's Encino man caveman. The first of the Geico caveman. So it sounds like we've got an idea for the story and haven't written it yet. So one might say our little small corporation also is ready to make Encino man too and is as close as Mr. Shepes. We've been talking about it. Can we start the episode over and just make it kind of storyboarding Encino man too? Just really nailing these beats down. Now we know what episode 500 is going to be. Sure. It's just going to be us perfecting our pitch for Encino man too. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself and we hope

that you are having a good day. I don't know. We never say that, but I feel that. I feel that. I hope you're having a good day. I don't know when this episode is posting, so it's kind of hard for me to articulate much more than that, but gosh, I hope it's a good one. I can do big general announcements. Yeah. One, tickets went on sale last week for our new live show tour. Maybe they're sold out, but if they're not, you should go to Macquarie.Family and click on Tours and get tickets there. A bunch of shows, some stuff in Norfolk, Virginia, stuff at Fox with Casino. It's all there. There's a bunch of dates. Go check that out. Also, the Adventure Zone graphic novel, three pedals to the metal. It's coming out in July. If you haven't pre-ordered yet,

what are you waiting for? It's going to be our best one yet. I'm not just saying that to be cute. It's really good and I'm really proud of it. You can go to theadventureszonecomic.com and pre-order it now. That helps us a lot. Everybody's so supportive of the book and when it comes out, people are always showing their support and showing that they got it and shared it with their friends, but the pre-order stuff really does help us out in a major way. So think about it if you haven't done it yet. You can also always go check out macquariemerch.com to see all of our fun merchandise stuff there. It's great. Thank you to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the theme song. It's a departure off the album

putting the days to bed and that one's been there for us. That one's right down the fucking middle. Like that one's right across the plate and we are just so appreciative. Maximum Fun is also on the play and we love them. Speaking of, Max Fun Drive is coming up, middle of March. We're going to have a lot of cool... Can we say what our episode was? I feel like we should talk about it. Yeah, go for it Griffin. You know what? I'm going to make the call and say yes. I mean, we do crank calls. Yeah, we do crank calls. And it goes super good. Yeah, we're really good at prank calling. It's not, you may hear that and think, but these boys wouldn't be good at that. That'll be a rough

listen. It's y'all, it's a fun time and we can say that. If we say it's crank calls, really we're just having fun and you'll like it too. And you can get that if you are a donor or you can become a donor during the Max Fun Drive or you can be an upgrading donor. All those things, middle of March, we're going to have a lot of fun bonus content, both for donors only and a lot of stuff. Like that's just going to come out on our YouTube and in our thread and yeah, it's going to be great. We're going to have a great time. I haven't told you boys this yet, but I edited our crank call episode and it did, we did it record, we recorded quite a bit and it did end up being about 35 minutes long. It's about the hit rate we were working with. But it's 35 minutes of pure,

good cranks and how about a final yahoo? Yes. This final yahoo was sent in by a bunch of folks actually. Thank you everybody. Another anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm going to call, Schneider asks, why are chihuahuas so expensive when they're so little? Not really getting your money's worth. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips. And I want it.