My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 502: American Psycho 2: The Squeakquel

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

(Note: This was going to be our kick-off episode for the MaxFunDrive, which has been postponed. We've cut most of the drive-talk out of the episode -- hence the shorter-than-usual runtime and occasional pauses. Hang in there, y'all.)Join us as we open up the My Brother, My Brother and Me book to a brand new chapter; one celebrating lifestyle brand innovations and, well, cool orbs. Suggested talking points: Gotta Touch These Orbs, Justin Clears His Conscience, The Last Beheading Day, Ancient Grains Ready to Rip, Please Don’t Tell Pigeons About Farms, Snack’n Bac’n

Hi, it's Jesse, the founder of Maxfun. We promised you a Maxfun drive this week, but things haven't exactly gone how we expected. So given the pandemic, we're going to postpone this year's drive. Events are still fluid, so we're hesitant to give you specifics about new dates. Right now, we have late April penciled into our calendars. We'll keep you posted about that. As it stands, a lot of our drive machinery was already cranked up. So for one thing, you might hear a reference or two to the drive in our shows, which might have been recorded before we made this decision. And here is some good news. There's a bunch of great bonus content available for all of our Maxfun members. If you're a member and you missed the email with

instructions on how to listen, check your spam folder or log in at maximumfun.org slash manage. Also at maximumfun.org slash manage, you can change your membership if your circumstances have changed. We know this is a tough time for a lot of people and we understand. You can also go to maximumfun.org slash join at any time if you'd like to become a member. During the next couple weeks, what would have been the drive, we're going to do our best to be extra available to you. We've got some streaming events planned, some social media stuff. We know a lot of folks are isolated right now and we want to help provide comfort in the best ways that we know how. You can follow us on social media and we'll let you know what's up. During this tough time, I have been

feeling really grateful for my community of colleagues here at Maxfun and for you, the folks who make our work possible. Goofy as that work may sometimes be. Stay safe out there. We're thinking of you. The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new place. And because you want it, just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to, hold on, let me open this book to a new chapter. Welcome to a new era of my brother and my brother and me, a lifestyle experience guide. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm your oldest guide. Hey, this is Griffin. I go second now. And yeah, I'm all about just sort of these orbs, guys. Hi, I'm Travis. All right. Yep. See, it's so weird. I will wait for three hours for Griffin to do his now. Hey, it's me Griffin again. Just checking in about these orbs. You touched these orbs yet? No, you got to get with these orbs, man. Hi, I'm Travis. I'm kind of the CFO of our lifestyle brands. I'm not so much on the creative, but I make sure everyone gets paid and that their health

insurance stays current. He's afraid of these orbs. I keep telling him nothing to be afraid of unless you drop one on your foot. I appreciate the orbs, but I am looking at the books, and it does say here in our ledgers that we still use for some reason that it is time to pay the paper. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, boy. Thank you, Travis, for bringing up this awkward. Now, listen, we begged Travis not to do this. I didn't beg that. We said it. Creatives over here that were saying like, we're focused on this, on these artisanal paper and artisanal glasses, artisanal air? Griffin, you said at one point, which I didn't get hit. Well, it's the orbs, isn't it? I guess. Something's going to be in there. There's a paper here. There's an artisanal

paper that you guys ordered, and someone needs to pay them. So we're going to talk a little bit more about it later in the show, but should we just start telling people about what kind of a new body slime we're into and what kind of acupuncture needles we're all about these days? Do you know what's way in, Griffin? What is it? It's getting wet and rolling around in sand, and then just getting dressed over that and going about your day. It's like a natural exfoliant. Just having a little gritty time in the city. Yeah. I like this. And then to the end of the day, your boss is riding your freaking jock trying to get you to file those reports. You get home, you take a shower, Pearl falls out of your butt, crack. Yep. It can happen. It does happen every

day to people like you, and now can happen. I'm afraid Justin died. We're going to start out with kind of a retro vibe and take a question from our listenership, and then we'll ease into some of the bigger changes. We should point out, and you know what? We should also point out we are recording this for the first time ever weeks ahead of time, which is why our first question is about Valentine's Day, which will seem weird when you hear this in like mid-March. I collected money for Valentine's Day singing gram for one of my professors and got $1 from one girl and $2 in quarters from a guy. The gram is $5. Then I got so dang busy, I didn't find the time to buy the gram, and their money is sitting on my desk. It's been three days. They haven't asked,

but I know they didn't get a singing gram. Do I steal their $3 or awkwardly give it back? Now, I just want to clarify, because Justin used the wrong word there, they know that the professor didn't get a singing gram. So the two people that this question asked are collected money from are well aware that that money was not spent on a singing telegram. Okay. Is this not why Venmo is invented? Or PayPal? Or whatever. Someone just, Sharon just sent you $2 with the note, I fucked up Valentine's Day. Yeah, like yes. It's how you send money when you're embarrassed. It's how you pay for things you're scared about, you know? You could call it an investment in next year's gram. Thank you for

your early support of a building on a layaway plan, a layaway gram. There you are. Listen, it's been a while, I've been out of the game for a while now when it comes to singing telegrams for professors, but $5 seems awfully low, doesn't it? It seems like not very much money. I don't think you can buy, this may be the only thing you can get with $5. Yeah, a human being is going to have to use their mouth to sing in public in front of another human being who is looking at them for $5? You could uncut Jim's it and put this 3-ski on the horsies, on the ponies, let it ride, and say like, if they come to you like, hey, I do need those quarters back, you can be like, listen, it's all, it's not liquid right now. It's tied up in the ponies, isn't it?

Tell them it's not liquid. I gave this $3 to the singing guy as a deposit for him to start learning the hit song you wanted to sing, Tropes of Jupiter by train, but he's, because he's one of those planet professors, you know? Oh yeah! Planetology. He gets up there day one, he's like, my very energetic mother just served us nine pizzas. That's the acronym, and I'll see you guys next year. Do you know what's weird about that, Griffin? It's not pizzas anymore. We can't talk about fucking Pluto, I know he cares about it. It's a planet. I like it, it's small. It's a big rockin' space, guys. There's lots of them. Not enough. You could do guys like a singing telegram? Like, would you like that?

Not for me right now, but like, if you got one in your day to day. I would feel threatened if that happened. If someone came up to me and said, hey, I have to tell you something, and started singing at me, I don't know that the feeling I would feel would be one of love or gratitude. Like, this is the thing, right? Can we all just be honest with ourselves that this kind of thing, or like delivering a big bouquet of balloons, while part of it, yes, is sweet and thoughtful, the other half is like, I want to embarrass you. I want to fucking shame you. Right? Like that, I'm gonna make a big spectacle, because if you just stand there nodding like, yes, I deserve this, and I appreciate it. Like,

that's not how that's supposed to go. You're supposed to kind of cover your face and be embarrassed by this thing happening. Why is that how we're choosing to show our love to one another? Yeah, for $3. Let's see what we can... Huey, what can we do for $3? We can dump a bunch of paint on them. Do you want that? We can accidentally squidge some toothpaste on their pants and make it look like they did have a naughty accident. Do you like that? This is embarrassing. About a... Probably... Oh boy, it's been about 16 years ago. So, for the first Valentine's Day, we were together, my now wife and I, then girlfriend, Sidney. My now wife? No, you can't. I didn't even open the door to it. That's actually a bad...

You have to turn around three times and throw salt over your left shoulder or more, I don't kill you in your sleep. For Valentine's Day, there was this group that was doing these sorts of things, but they did a... They called it a VLQ or a very large quartet. And basically, just a grip of the oldest fellas you've ever seen in your entire life show up at a place and sing a song, right? And it was beautiful. It went perfectly. Sidney was at rehearsal for a play and they showed up at rehearsal and just dazzled and it was very romantic and it was really lovely. About six months ago, I started thinking, did I pay those guys? It was not a money up... Hold on. No, don't rush to judge it. It was not a money up front kind of deal. It was,

you do it and make a little deposit and then we'll do the singing and you can make it right later. And then I realized... That's not good. Yeah, but they're so old and trusting. So I did this and I got to thinking about six months ago, I never paid these fucking guys for this thing. And then I started thinking like, I gotta make this right. You know, I can get it liquid. I can get it liquid. Get it wet, dude. Get it wet. I can get it liquid however much it costs. And then I started thinking this was unpleasant to consider, but most of those guys are probably, a lot of them are probably dead. And that is when I started to feel really bad because at this point,

I'd be paying money to like their sons, their singing sons. Right. Their estates, right? Kicking in a few bucks here and there. Or it might be a taunting situation. Yes. But the very large quartet has just been saving all the money that they make and the last one kicking, which will probably be the bear's own, let's be honest. The only source of income that these surviving members of this group need to worry about is Justin's unpaid deposit plus the juice. Oh yeah, the juice has been flowing. My man, we're talking six figures, bud. Their page is still active. I mean, their website is still active, but there's no online option. So I would have to come,

I would have to make a phone call that's like, hello, this is Justin McRoy. You probably know me from how they talked about me at the meetings for a decade. But like, how's the juice? Right now. Do you want to sit here on the phone on their call with you while you call them? Like we'll be here for emotional support if you want. Oh, that could be really good. That would be like a really special thing for the Max Fun Drive episode. Yeah, okay, hold on. All right, but hold on. This can't be like our prank episode. Travis, you and I have to button it the fuck up, dude. You guys talk about that for a second while I do this. And let's have Justin do a very good phone call while me and Travis really button it up.

Hello? Hi, I had a question regarding the thunder tones. Yes, what would you like to know? Well, okay. I didn't think anybody would answer, but so I'm a little nervous, but in I think it was no reason to be nervous. Well, you haven't heard. Okay. So in 2005, you all did a singing telegram for my she was my girlfriend then. And she was my she's my wife now. She was very touched by it. And I realized about six months ago that I never paid for it. And I feel really, really bad about it. And I have for quite some time. And I know that there's juice on it. I know the interest has been collecting for many years. I'm sure you all been talking about it a lot. And I just wanted to make it right.

It's up to $3,000. No, that's not true. We I don't I was not in the group at that time. And I don't even know what kind of record we don't have any records. I don't think that go that far. If they're due there, they we do they're so buried. I will tell you this, if if you want to make that right, just so your conscience will be sued, you may send a check. Let's see 2005. I don't you remember how much it was for? Because it's now $50. I don't know what they were back then. I mean, $50 sounds that sounds more than fair. There was a whole lot of people there. I mean, there was a VLQ, they called it a very large quartet, which is a good joke. Okay. And $50 sounds fair. But if you want it to be more, I mean, I feel so terrible, you really got me

over a barrel on this one. No, not at all. I appreciate your honesty. And that is no problem at all. Why don't you just send a $50 check to the Thundertones, make it out to the Thundertones. Okay. And just send it to my to my address. I'm the president of the group. My name is but you don't need to know that. Just just make out the check to the Thundertones. And then my address is as follows. I will thank you so much. I really appreciate you letting me get my conscience clear. I feel like a new chapter has begun. And I'm ready to move forward with a clean conscience. I mean, for this, there's lots of other things, but for this one thing, I was going to say,

I was going to say now you can go back and return all those books that you checked out the library that you never returned. So thank you very much for your patronage. By the way, we just finished that up and we, we did 38 Valentine's this year had two quartets go out. It was very successful. Keep us in mind for next year. And I'm sure that she wouldn't remind I reprinted on something like that. I love that you can trust me again. I history, you know, it's not on my side. I'm impressed that you're willing to forgive and forget. But that is no problem at all. I wasn't expecting it in the first place. And like I said, we don't have a record of it. So don't worry. You almost must be rolling in it now though,

38 times 50. I'm loving that math. Well, I tell you what, it is, it is our largest fundraiser. Even we make more off this than we do even our annual show that we do in the fall. Is that one spookier kind of scary, scary thing? Lots of like haunted jump scares and stuff like that. We did know. No, we did one of those. We did a show that was kind of had that theme. But no, it varies from year to year. And recently we've been going with, with songs that are songs that everybody's familiar with. This last one was the British Invasion and we did a bunch from Beatles and and Herman's Hermits and stuff like that. So it's a lot of fun. And if she's saying, heck, come by and see us. Okay, I'll give you just

a sample and let me know what you think. Stay a while with me. Just stick around and see what happens. What will be, will be. And we can work with that. Yeah, we can work with that. That's excellent. Hey, Rick, you've been so cool. Thank you so much. My brothers put me up to this. I told them this story and they forced me to call for our podcast. And you will, that check will be rolling your way here in a couple of days. Tell me your name. Justin McElroy. Justin McElroy. Well, thank you very much, Justin. I look forward to that, that check and, and, and that amount. And also give me, give me your contact information as well. Yes. I'm at, now you're, this is for the lawsuit, isn't it? Cause I've had the juice running too long. All right. Thanks, Rick. Take,

take it easy. Okay. You too. Thank you, Justin. Appreciate it. Bye-bye. No, no, no, no, no. You just got pranked, baby. I can't believe they had forgotten about it. No, Justin. They didn't. I can't believe Rick acted like he had forgotten about it so convincingly. Yeah. And did you also hear how when you gave him your name with a little bit of a smile as if he was going to be like, Oh damn, Justin McElroy. And then there was no recognition at all. And I didn't think it was down my spine. I didn't think, I didn't think he'd be like, Oh shit, Justin McElroy from podcast. I literally thought it, but he was looking for a list of like shitheads. I seconded him to remember me from the shithead list. Yeah. When he said Justin McElroy. What do you think

he's a fucking things I bought at Sheets fan? I was expecting Rick to be a fan of my, my YouTube series. Come on. When you said Justin McElroy, he just reached over to the notepad in his passenger seat and marked off your name under people I need to kill. Yeah. There's also, he's from Huntington. If I said my name, it was not that he would know me. It was probably that thinking that he'd know my dad. Yeah. I would say like, Oh, this fucking figures. Yeah. Hey, you're going to like bleep out his address and stuff, right? So we don't know. I hope so. I hope so. Oh, I hope so. But sometimes I don't pay very close attention to these, don't I? Hey, maybe this could become like a new segment where Justin just clears his conscience like one thing.

Laws it. I like that. Only bad thing I ever did though. That's the only one. Okay. Hey, I've got a yahoo here. Do you want to hear it? Sure. Send him by Jeanette. Thanks, Jeanette. See how who answers user. Oh, they're anonymous. They're not Rick. It was Rick asks, should the queen move to America to get a new experience? Yes. Thank you. I know, I know so very little about the monarchy or anything, really government, to speak of, worldly speaking. So this may be coming from an uneducated place. In fact, I can confirm it is, but it seems like maybe if the queen came to America, she could have a new experience and not just came here, not only not just came here to visit, got a flat, you know.

Took a lift, but we call him elevators. Lift. Oh, well, I thought you were talking about rental car, but yeah. Oh, no, we call those cars. Yeah, or buggies, lorries, whatever. That's maybe, yeah, maybe she start calling different shit, right? Yeah. So yeah, what if she went back to Britain and was just like, Hey, from now on, we're calling them elevators and apartments and shrimp. Enough of this shit, right? Yeah. Sorry, I bumped my shopping cart into your shopping cart. And that's what we now call them. Look, there's a truck. Bring me some cookies. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm going to behead you. Hey, can I ask you guys for real serious question? Yeah, I'm sure that there's like, you know, some courtesies extended to her and like

diplomatic immunity and stuff. But if the Queen were to come to the US of A, yeah, and I were to offend her, she's got no power over me, right? Like she couldn't get me in trouble. She could, I mean, okay, she could get you in trouble, probably if she told an adult or a teacher. Okay. But I'm like in Britain, where I didn't bow right, and now I'm going to go to prison or something. Right, right. You know, I made that joke about the Queen having someone beheaded if they're not knowing what cookies are. And maybe you start to think about something. Okay. Back like several hundred years ago, the Queen could definitely have someone beheaded if she felt like it. No doubt. We agree on this, right? Yeah, definitely. Today, the Queen would say like off

with her head and everybody be like, I don't think so, right? So my question is this, the last time that happened, do you think there was a sense of like, been a good run? But I think this is the last one. I think we're wrapping up on being able to do this has been extremely satisfying and fun. But I think we are wrapping like the last one must have felt pretty bad for everybody to be like, I don't think we do this anymore, actually. I don't think it was a switch flip, Jamie. I don't think it was like, oh, you know what? I don't want to do it. I think it was more of like a fade out. I'm just like, over time, people were getting less and less okay with it. And then there was one where it was kind of a squeaker, where I was like, oh, are we gonna? Yikes. The person's in the guillotine

and they're like, this feels unnecessary to me. You all agree, right? We probably shouldn't. We should do jail. Hey, what was guys thinking about jail? We've got them. It's not perfect. But I think it might be better than this. I think instead of a fade out Travis, I think it's possible that there was a sort of crescendo, where there was one day where they just beheaded like so many people and they're like, it's not even fun anymore. You know what's fun? It's like jazz, you know? What's fun is the beheadings you don't do. Right. Because that's that think of the joy on someone's face when you get them into the guillotine and like their blindfolded or something and you go like, do it. And like, you have the sound of a leather like a lever going and like a sound of a thunk

over there. But then you're like, Hey, guess what? You're not going to get beheaded. Right? That person's never gonna do something wrong ever again. It's basically the premise of an undercover boss. Yeah, it's exactly like undercover boss. A friend and I often work together during class and I want to ask for his number. So if I have any questions, I just text him. However, I don't want him to get the wrong idea and think that I'm getting his number for any sort of romantic purpose or ulterior motive. What is a completely normal way to ask for someone's number without perpetuating the wrong idea? That's from Gmail. You cannot do this. Don't even try. Griffin is right. You just can't do it. It's not. It's not. This is very relatable because I had

this exact scenario and it's just it's not. It's just not possible. I don't think right. We cannot agree that anytime you've ever had to say to another human being like, can I get your number? It's yeah, it's so hard and it's so much. I would argue harder to say when it is not for romantic intent, right? Because then you worry you have to then explain yourself and say like, in case you want to play video games together, I don't want to smooch. Do you know what's fucked up? And this is I genuinely cannot answer this. If I asked for, you know, if I was in college or whatever and needed to get in contact with somebody that I was like working with on something, I would feel zero pressure to ask for their email address.

But it's still like, it's still like talking in it. So like, why does that, why is phone just like the sexy one, I guess? Yeah, I don't know. I think it's because the connotation of like, can I get your number? Yeah, but I think there's more to that in this modern era. I think that it's because it's so private. Like, I don't even know your guys' phone numbers. Like, it's extremely private. I definitely gave you my phone. My phone knows it, but I don't know. Yeah, my phone knows it. I don't know it. So it's private to you. You know what I'm saying? It's a private thing. Yeah, but I'm going to stick with my point because I've never seen a movie where somebody like looked at their friend across the table at a bar and like

cockily said like, she friended me on Facebook. I mean, that's what you've got emails about. So what are you saying? And the second thing, maybe it's just that the phone, with the phone, it is intimate because you're saying, give me the buttons to press on my phone so that I may gently nestle your warm voice close to my face. There's really no way to talk to somebody on the phone without confining the fact that you're doing whispers into each other, like directly into each other's ear. Now that's fair. That is fair. You also, I think there's an immediacy to this of like, give me your phone number. That's like saying like, hey, if I need help with school, I want you to,

the second that it crosses my mind, I want you on fucking call. I don't want to send an email that you'll respond to in a couple of hours. I want to know that you know I need you then. Here, it's 2020. It's 20 funny. Can I pitch an idea that you've just given me, Justin? Every phone. Wait, hold on. You didn't even let me think about it. Yeah. Okay. Every phone should have two numbers, one that you can call and one that you can text, and you should like only give out the one that can text and reserve the one that can call for like, if you are dying, you are allowed to use this number. That's great. That's great, Travis, because you set jobs with Jupiter by train as your ringtone, and then you're out at dinner with

your friends and you hear, now she's back in the app. And you got to be like, oh shit, something happened with my uncle. Oh shit. Oh no, my dad, I got to go. Yep. As I understand it though, this is already how people are using phone. No one calls on phone. This draws the line though. Instead of getting a friend's number to work on homework, you got the number all at once. What if you did it in stages where you're like, okay, I'm comfortable enough with you to so far give you my area code. Yeah. We're doing it, right? That's good. That way it doesn't feel like a commitment yet. The real answer to this is, you got to reel in a third person into this and be like, hey, we should all exchange numbers. That's great. That's powerful. Maybe just playing a big

group hang to all go see that new movie together. We'll work on the paper at some point. Hey, you guys like Outback Steakhouse? Yeah, maybe we can work on it. I was just walking by. I'm not even in your class. We should all exchange numbers, the three of us equally. Who are you? Here is the best advice. Okay, I've got this. Okay. You need to give them your phone number and give them a reason to reach out to you that is non-romantic. Okay? Make sure this. If you ever need a birthday. You stick to the toilet paper. You walk up to this person, you be like, hey, listen, I'm not spreading this around, but I got a fucking choice, sourdough starter that I would love to slice you off a bit. Yes. Here is my phone number. Here is an empty jar.

Let your imagination run wild. How a little sourdough starter would look in here. The price, let's not, that's not between friends. We're not going to worry about that. But you go ahead and give me a text to Rusky and this beautiful bread baby could be headed to your house, a media mentee. And then the cool thing about that is you get their number and they owe you for the sourdough that you hooked them up with that one time. Okay. Justin, just to clarify, just so I don't do this wrong when I attempt this, do I need to actually have a sourdough starter to use this? Travis, if you do not have a sourdough starter, they will assume you are American Psycho II, the squeakle. There is no reality. Would you cannot also have a sourdough starter on hand,

ancient grains ready to rip, ready to turn that beautiful sugar into carbon dioxide and crank that bread up to its maximum fluffy potential. Now, here's the thing. I do have a sourdough starter. I just don't know if I'm ready to give it away. Like that just seems like such a big commitment. I think this works on the platonic level. Yes, Justin. Can we tweak it a little bit for a different person who wants it for a romantic level at the bar hanging out? Someone catches your eye. Can you wander over there with an empty jar and a promise of fermentation? I think in that case, the sourdough starter has to already be in the jar. And like you just say, I'm like, if you want to know more, give me a call. My number is written on the sourdough starter. They're not going to buy

the baker when they got the starter for free, you know? Maybe you have nine out of 10 of the sourdough starter ingredients in there and you're like, the missing piece is me. Give me a call and we'll start something together and feel the power of sour and let the dough flow. Not how sourdough starters work, but okay. I don't know anything. Yeah, that's kind of thematic. Yeah. Yeah. How about a yahoo? Yeah, this one was sent in by Level9000. Yeah, Drew Drew at Drew Devonport. Thank you, Drew. Yeah, Drew answers user. They're anonymous. So let's call them Jamethy asks, why do Siberian tigers need to be so huge? Their prey seems much smaller. They need to fight Kodiak bears. Huh. So I don't know enough about I think animals in general to answer why

the Siberian tiger, like what environmental sort of like challenges they had to overcome by becoming just fucking jacked, these Siberian tigers. But I'm extremely here for the idea that the Siberian tiger, big and powerful and beautiful, could challenge itself a little bit better. Like, oh yeah. Like it's going after small rodents and rabbits and probably unlucky birds, unlucky slow birds. Yeah. Or just like sleepy birds. Sleepy birds, unfortunate explorer, adventurer. Whatever beef it finds on the ground just laying around. Just random beef. Ground beef. Yes. But you know, you know what, and am I thinking about this all the time with Gryven? The panda. Well, okay. Well, hear me out. Okay. The panda is just eating bamboo.

It's not built to do that. It should be eating meat. It is a bear, huh? That's why it's sleepy all the time and does so very little and doesn't really have the power or the energy to make love because it's so sleepy all the time. And so at some point, a panda must have been chasing like a bird or a rabbit or something and be like, this fucking sucks. That plant is just sitting there. I'm going to eat that from now on. There's so much of it everywhere. What if that was food? I'm just going to sit here and do shit all and eat this stick and not bone anymore. And that's the problem. Pandas aren't boning. So the numbers are going down. If we could get one just fucking battle horny, come back from defeating the huge Siberian tiger,

which there are billions of probably, you know, an unlikely victory and it comes back home and they're like, oh, shit, Ron, what's up? You look like heck. And then Ron could be like, oh, I'm different now. Who's ready for Ron? And then they would fucking pork like they've never porked before. And then like all of a sudden pandas are back and they are too many. They're like pigeons and squirrels. Squirrels, pigeons for all that you can talk shit about pigeons, but pigeons are out there, aren't they? The pigeons are working out there and they are up against forces that are so hysterically beyond their control. Like what ass can a pigeon kick? Probably not any. So they go and they like sit on like the third rail of a subway and they get like totally

just bamboozled out there. And then they fly home to their nest and it's like, oh, shit, rough day in the city. And they're like, yeah, it was a rough day in the city. I'm battle horny. Now let's now let's go. Has anyone told pigeons that like 10 miles that way is probably just a bunch of corn that they don't like have to just be there in the middle of New York City? Do you think of a pigeon like heard someone mention like they're just fields of corn? They'd be like, what the fuck? I have been like mistaking cigarette butts for food for the last like 30 years. For the last 30 generations. Travis Farmers are listening to this right now like sweating like, please don't tell pigeons about farms. Please don't tell pigeons about my farm. Hey, where did all the tomatoes

go? We had them last night. Let's look outside. Uh oh, it's two million pigeons. They're all just here now looking for statues to sit on. Do you think pigeons in the city regularly get letters from their country cousins? They're like, well, shit still sucks out here in the country. Yeah, it's a way nothing to eat. I wish I was living it up with you eating one fourth of a hotdog bun out of a gutter. God, that sounds good. Anyway, yeah, it's all bullshit out here. Anyway, yeah, I gotta go. I gotta use the bathroom. I mean, look for food. Yeah, that's all I get to do. Man, I'm just gonna be thinking. Everybody's talking about unlikely animal pairings. And when they say that traditionally, they mean

friendships. I'm thinking about it like top 10 anime battles. Because Kodiak Bear versus Siberian Tiger, boy, that would be one for the ages, wouldn't it? It'd be pretty good. The problem with Jamethy's question is like once you start going down the road of like, why is that tiger so big? You do that with pretty much every animal. But like if that animal is smaller, it could eat less food. Yeah, that's a good point. Hey, why is the blue whale eating krill? It should be eating like smaller whales. Oh my God, we need a worthy challenger for the blue. We all need to team up and breed something for the blue whale to sharpen itself against. It is time for the killer whale to live up to its name. Yeah, you've got it. You don't have it in size, right? But you've got it

in ferocity for sure. You are an X-wing, like going up against a star destroyer at that point. But this star destroyer, guess what? It only eats like little weird barnacles. You are totally good. This is my pitch for Free Willy 6. Yeah. We're really just goes ham on a blue whale. Right. And it's two hours long. And it's really hard to watch that. But then what's that? The blue whale and Willy team up to fight a giant squid. Animals are great. I love nature. Yeah. And we know a lot about it. I love nature too. Yeah. Yeah, we're very smart about them. Okay. I want a Munch Squad.

I want to Munch Squad. I'm sorry, I got a cold and I realized it sounded weird, like Alfredie Newman. I kind of loved it. I kind of enjoyed it too. I got a Munch Squad mini and then a full Munch Squad for you. I got Combo. Duncan adds snacking bacon to the mini. What? Please tell me they used apostrophes in there. Oh, yeah, they did. Duncan snacking bacon. Is bacon apostrophe? What is it? Two? No, bacon's not. That'd be wild though. They missed the trick, huh? Yeah. So Duncan adds snacking bacon to the mini. This one's bacon in a little bag, my friends.

It's just bacon in a little stinky, greasy bag. I'm glad it's not just loose bacon though. That is better. It is basically loose bacon Travis. It's as close to loose bacon as you can get without being loose bacon. Without going to prison. Yeah. Here's how it starts. Sack the sad snacks with the new snacking bacon. Oh, God. For anyone who's seeing a satisfying snack, seeking a satisfying snack, but this one seems designed to fuck me up. I see you, Duncan. We got him. For anyone who's seeking a satisfying snack, but is stuck with a sad selection at their desk, office, kitchen, or vending machine, Duncan is adding some extra sizzle to its menu. Hey, friends, if there is a sadder snack than bacon from a greasy little bag that you bought at the store and carried

to your office, I don't know what it is. Duncan Wednesday unveiled new snacking bacon and with sweet black pepper seasoning to help on the go customers conquer nothing. It's not help. Help is the wildest word you could have picked. You're not helping them to do anything. They say they're helping their customers conquer their cravings without settling for tired and typical snacking choices. Hey, Roger, what are you snacking on out of that bag there? Bacon? Just bacon in a bag. Come on, Roger. Are you okay? Hey, Roger. Yeah. The only thing that you have to mention with this is actually walking up to the counter and they're like, what food do you want here at Duncan that you've gone into willingly? And the person says, I want to bag a snack and bacon for the road.

I actually think saying for here would be worse. That would actually, I'm going to sit in the corner and listen to a podcast. Here's the full one. Einstein Brothers is going to launch a bagel and burrito mashup. Huh? Is it, is it just going to jam it in the fucking hole? Basically, they announced it. Einstein Brothers announced it's launching a first of its kind bagel innovation, a bagel burrito. A bagel and burrito mashup, the bagel burrito was available at five test locations in the Denver area for a limited time in October 29th. And it's going to shock you all, but it fucking cleaned up. It's sold out within hours of its announcement to the world. Why did you announce it to the world? Let Denver get a fucking crack at that beautiful

bastard. Do the wild success of the test launch and countless requests from guests who wish they could try the bagel burrito. Valerie, how many requests have we got about the bagel burrito? I can't count them. There's too many. They're pouring in. They're throwing them through the window. The bagel is broken. It's like it's just exploded everywhere. Can't count that high. It's like the end of Miracle on 34th Street in here. Why did we set up a complex system of pneumatic tubes from every Einstein Brothers location into our home base? So the Einstein Brothers bagels is making the game-changing breakfast item available to guests across the U.S. at participating locations. And the tone of this announcement is that they think they're ready for bagel burritos,

but they're not fucking sure, okay? They're on the very edge. Quote, we heard our guests loud and clear, says take a O'Rourke VP of Marketing for Einstein Brothers bagels. They always have to clarify what company they're the VP of marketing of. It'd be wild if the VP of marketing at Ford is like, they got nasty new bagels. This place got nasty new bagels. Cars are still cool, but check out these nasty bagel tubes. Given the popularity of the bagel burrito during the Denver test, we knew we couldn't keep this breakfast innovation from the rest of the country for too long. We just needed a bit of time to ensure our bakeries are set up to meet the volume of orders we're expecting. On February 27th, we will be ready. Constantly pushing the

boundaries of the classic bagel. Einstein Brothers bagel has taken it to the next level with the bagel burrito. It has taken it too far. Too far. They've crossed the Rubicon and made a shame before God. It's loaded with two cage free eggs for that, for, you know, you know, for that animal cruelty conscious consumer that also wants to eat a bagel shaped like a fucking tube and it's got thick cut bacon from I'm assuming inhumanely raised pigs and turkey sausage. Let's get them all in there. The pigs watch the chickens run around. Come back here, Cal. You don't get out. We need three cheeses from you and potatoes. Your non sentient state will not preserve you. There's hash browns in this bad boy and salsa and green chilies and a flour tortilla all hand wrapped in an Ozzyago

bagel dough and baked fresh. And what a relief that machines aren't involved in this process. I'm glad humans have to use some of their time here on this big blue globe to roll these bagel tubes for me. It's substantial size, high flavor and portability has earned it. High flavor is a good term. I like high flavor. The high flavor and portability. Folks, thank God bagels have been so cumbersome up till now and burritos too. Yeah. Yeah, friends, I'm here to ask you, what is the last item that you bought at a fast food place where you're like, well, I can't take this anywhere. Look at this. Look at this heavy. I can't carry. What am I supposed to carry it to another location?

The high flavor and portability has earned it its slogan, big, bold and easy to hold. Oh, boy. Who are these people that have a regular bagel and they're like, whoop, drop the damn thing. Oh, it's rolling away again. Again. And hey, hey, friends, I'm looking at this thing. It's a big loose tube full of garbage. This is not a portable solution. Just as close at the bottom, you're going to have bagel juice slipping out. Anyway, that's the bagel rito. Looks pretty good. I would probably eat one and it's available at Einstein Brothers now. Next time I'm out to eat a restaurant, I'm just going to silently open up the salt shaker and dump it all over my meal. And then when Rachel asked like, hey, what are you doing? I can now

confidently answer, I am turning the flavor too high. The flavor, the flavor is not at high right now. I need maximum flavor. It's what I deserve as a consumer. I deserve no less. We rarely go out. It's hard to find a babysitter. I deserve regular flavor. I deserve high flavor. Well, we'll get out of your hair now. Once again, maximumfund.org slash join. It sounds like we're like backing out the door. We've been trying to sell you some brushes and combs. All right. Well, you've been a gracious host. Maximumfund.org slash join. Thank you so much. And thank you to John Rodrick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song into departure off the album, putting the days to bed. And we're about to put this episode to bed

because fish and friends go bad after three days, right guys? I don't know. What is that? Are we fish? Griffin, do you have a final Yahoo? We're friends. This one was sent in by Yohannes. Thank you, Yohannes. It's from Yahoo Answers user T. Who asks? Dude, I just recently discovered a new way to eat oats. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Comedy and Culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.