My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 504: The Nasty Buns

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

In which we find a hero in these trying times: A hero with a cybernetic, socially-conscious snake and a land speed rivaling a mid-2010s Toyota Corolla.Suggested talking points: Look to Britney, Porch-Stable Food, Angel Babysitter, In My Lungs, Unfortunate Grocery Replacements, Burritoing with Gronk, Duck Interpreter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis of McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin. Squeaky clean hands McElroy. Listen, everyone, these are dark and difficult times. They're uncertain, you know, so I think we need to find the silver linings where

we can. And there was a new, I'm going to say historic human accomplishment this week. Yes, right? Let's focus on what humans can do when we believe. Are you two, and I guess our audience, are you aware of Britney Spears? Yeah, I've heard of her and her great music. Toxic is very good. Toxic is very good. She makes the good music, but you know what? She also has broken a record. She posted on Instagram that she ran the 100 meter dash in 5.97 seconds, beating Usain Bolt, apparently, by four seconds. Well, okay, here's the one thing about that. There's nobody in her way. So that's exactly a good. You're saying both have to bob and weave around the whole. It's funny. I was excited that you brought up Britney Spears because

it is Britney bitch, and she is here to sort of rearrange our society in a more idealistic way. She did post something about how we need wealth redistribution right now, and that's pretty cool coming from Britney Spears and her big snake that she is going to use to destroy capitalism. Well, and at this point, she is the fastest human being in recorded history, right? She's so fast. Big snake. She could be a modern-day Robin Hood stealing money and then running just like a modern day. Like if you cross the flash with Robin Hood, she runs up to, I don't know, is one of the Koch brothers still alive? I think yes. She takes his money bags away and then she's gone. She's gone. Nice try. Nice. Good job trying to catch her. It's not

going to happen. She has meccanoid legs. I did not. If you were to ask me which celeb was going to be Furiosa in this whole Piccadillo, I wouldn't have guessed Britney, but of course it's Britney. Yes, she is unstoppable. Unstoppable. Unstoppable. Nothing has ever stopped her. Well, stalled. She had a hiccup. She got a hiccup in her giddy up. Don't we all? But look at her now, the fastest human being alive, redistributing wealth with the help of her intelligent cybernetic snake. Unstoppable. And I can't wait to see what record she breaks next. Maybe it'll be like hot dog eating or perhaps World's longest nap or because after you run, I assume- You've got to lay down for a bit. Yeah, you've got to take a nap because if I ran

the 100 meters in under six seconds, I would sleep for probably four years. Can I read the post that Britney put up on Instagram? I'm just a little portion of it. It was a quote from Mimi Zhu, this whole big block of text. At one point it says technologies like virtual communication, streaming and broadcasting are part of our community collaboration. We will learn to kiss and hold each other through the waves of the web. That's fucking great. We will feed each other, redistribute wealth, strike. We will understand our own importance from the places we must stay. Communion moves beyond walls. We can still be together. Damn. If you seek Amy, I do. And here she is. And she's gonna fucking put it all back

together once it all gets broken down. And it's gonna get broken down a little bit. And Christina, we're waiting. Mandy Moore, we are waiting. Mandy Moore has always stayed out of it. That's the thing about Mandy Moore. She's been in the game forever, but keeping it low key. And I'm like, hey, Mandy Moore, it's time to take a stand on something. What do you believe in Mandy Moore? Jessica Simpson has taken a lot of stands over there. Too many summites there. But she has been willing to die on so many hills. Samantha Mumba, where are you? Right. Thank you. Thank you. Here is a story for you. Britney Spears' boyfriend reveals she broke her foot while dancing. But this is from February 2020. Wait, what? Wait. Hold on a second. Wait. Britney broke her foot

a month ago and now she has just broken the world. What an inspiration. She's the flash hand Wolverine. Yeah. Anyway, I'm glad we have a beacon to look to. I wish we could rename 2020 because fill your life with laughter and love seems like a genuinely irresponsible motto at this point. If it could just be. Look to Britney Spears. 2020. Look at Britney. 2020. Look to Britney. What's that in the sky? That shimmering light. There's a new North Star. It is Britney. What's that up in the sky? It's a snake. It's a flight attendant. No. It's Britney Spears, bitch. Say that right. It's the. There was like a nanosecond too long pause, actually. Oh, damn. And it's, I don't think you can say it's Britney Spears, bitch. Because that's,

it's just you lose the alliteration. I don't think you can say that word at all, actually. Oh, man. Basically, yes. Okay. Can I say like snitch? It's Britney Spears. She has the snitch. She's so fast. She got it. She, she, wait. I'm seeing this right. Britney doesn't have a broom. Oh, she's just kicking it and running so fast that she took off like Mario. Oh my God. Wow. It's Britney. I wish this show. Do you think we've missed a trick by not making the show more about Britney Spears over the years? I'm realizing her genuinely inspirational. Yeah, we could have been tracking this whole thing. Cause she says she started her first try at the 100 meters in her pose was a nine, was nine, which was Usain Bolt. So she did that and was like, well, I'm as fast

as Usain Bolt, but that's not enough. That's not enough. I want to lap this dude. What's a, I was looking at a story now that you brought this to my attention. I did a quick Google and they were saying how on her Twitter, when she posted this, this revelation, several of her followers just post a comment like, huh, impressive time or great time, Britney or impressive time. So nobody fucking knows anything, huh? This is a good reminder that fucking nobody knows anything about what they're fucking talking about, right? Cause like, so you do know that it's a good time. You don't know that she just broke Usain Bolt's world record. Well, they could, I think it'd infer that it's a good time by the fact that she posted it because it was right.

Okay. Yes. And it's, it's few. It's a few number. It's not a big number of seconds. Yeah, it wasn't like I did my first hundred meter debt and it's like a minute and 45 seconds. But even that, I have no idea how long a hundred meters is. Yeah. Right. Frankly, if I saw that without context, I might be like, Oh, cool. I could jump. But then again, if somebody posted like, I did a mile and two and a half minutes, I'm like, Oh, great time. A hundred, a football field is a hundred yards. Yeah. I think a meter's bigger than a yard. A yard's a meter. A yard is a, a yard is a meter. A yard's a, a yard to a meter conversion is, yeah, it's about a meter. So that's about a meter.

You ran a whole football field and sorry, Travis, four seconds. Well, five, 5.97 seconds. So just a, just a hair under. That's quite, that's quite good. Well, she's been training for it. She like, this doesn't, hey, it doesn't come easy, Griffin. Thank you. She didn't roll out of bed and do this. You know what I mean? People forget this. They, they think of her as a, they think of her as like a performer for, this is like, I think it was recently discovered that like Rod Stewart has been building model trains while he has like been onto it. This is like that. It was like, he doesn't, she doesn't want to be known as Brittany the Reformer anymore. That is her side hustle.

Her main hustle has been becoming the fastest human being in recorded history. Right. How about we do a, I would like to see Brittany Spears race against one of Rod Stewart's trains for ultimate dominance. Oh my God. But a big one. Do you think he's got a big, like a real life side train he gets to ride around in and only Rod gets to ride around in? This is my one for one model train. We for sure talked about Rod's trains. So let's, it was, no, it was a touchstone, but like, I'm wondering how Rod is sort of processing because Rod, I'm sure like everybody else, including some of your favorite podcasters had some pretty profitable shows canceled by this, uh, uh, uh, unpleasantness. And that does, that's very bad

for Rob. Rod Stewart does free him up to work on the trains pretty good though. So I'm wondering sort of where he's at, uh, on this, on this whole thing. Obviously I'm sure Rod Stewart, not a known psychopath sees it as a net negative. There's no question about this point. I'm not right. After the shows were canceled, he did have to start using the trains to transport actual cargo to kind of make up some of the money and the differences. He, he spent a lot of it on glue, Justin. A lot of that money went to glue. Um, I, before we hop into the news, I, sorry, the news on our news, God, no, God, Jesus and God and heaven and Buddha and all that. Please no. Before we hop into like questions and stuff, did want to give everybody a little bit of a good

news. Jimmy Buffett also had some, uh, uh, shows canceled, but he is not stopping. He's doing a virtual tour, the cabin fever, a virtual license to chill the spring 2020 tour on a Wednesdays and Saturdays. He's going to be streaming out a bunch of live shows for everybody would to enjoy at a 8 p.m. Eastern with it on court, 8 p.m. Pacific. You can see this at Margaritaville TV. We're not being paid by Jimmy to say that. I just want to give everybody a heads up. If you want to take a chill little break Saturdays, Wednesdays, 8 p.m. Uh, you got a light, you got a license to chill right there. So now you do not call just at 8 p.m. Eastern Wednesdays and Saturdays and my stories are on. Yes. Uh, my coworkers and I occasionally order in food for lunch. The other day, I gave

a woman $10 for lunch, but she accidentally had it delivered to her house instead of our office. Let me be clear here. These are also from the before time. Right. Yes. Oh, okay. When are we going to start getting questions from the after time, Travis? Well, we had a lot saved up, Justin, because we went on the doko and we had recorded a bunch of episodes and I'm not going to burn good questions just because they're from a long but gotten time. These are shelf stable questions, Justin. Yeah. Well, how, how are we to advise, are we to advise them in the context of the now? I haven't forgotten what life was like. It's not gone from my memory, Justin. I could dream. A man can dream. I'm like the gorilla's an instinct. I think freedom is just something I dreamed.

I fucking love that flick. Anthony Hopkins phoned it in. Good flick. Good flick. Uh, we ordered food for lunch. The other day, I gave a woman $10 for lunch, but she accidentally had it delivered to her house instead of our office. She gave back the money and I thought we were square and that she would just eat it for dinner. On Monday, she brought my food in for me four days after it was delivered. I feel bad that she's out $10, but I'm not going to eat it. Should I pay her for this old food or are we good? Huh. That's from Alex in Minneapolis. P.S. It was a Middle Eastern salad with chicken and hummus. Okay. That ain't going to hang. That's that ain't a four day hang, is it? No, but what it is. I'm not saying you

are going to throw. I'm saying that if you have not been able to witness the life cycle of this food, right? And then it is brought to you. There are so many points of failure along the way. Exactly. Yes. Uh, yes. It was sitting on the porch at least for a while while you were at work with them. And then I guess it was over the weekend and you know Susan got weird on the weekend and you're fucking your Middle Eastern salad may have been in and I apologize, but the splash zone, there's like no fucking way, dude. We, Susan had this food delivered to her home instead of your office. We don't know a lot about Susan, but I can say one thing concretely. She's a careless person. Yes. And I don't think, I don't think this is the sort of person you trust with food hygiene.

Yes, correct. And I would say, Hey, Susan, if you're listening, weird move to bring the food in on Monday, that's a weird one. Susan knows that this is not news to Susan. Now, is she out $10? Yeah. Yes. But that's, that's good. Because you need, she needs to have some sort of loss. She needs to experience loss. She needs to experience a $10 grief right, right now. And then she will be a little bit more careful to press that little button in order food to the right place. I wanted to, I'm confused by another facet of this question. Okay. The order was placed by Susan, and maybe there's more clarity in the question, Charlie, you've edited it out, but the order was placed by Susan. Was it for one meal for Alex? Was Alex, did Alex have Susan order one

discreet meal for them to enjoy? Because there's a, we've, we've added an unnecessary middle man here, a middle Susan, if you will, into this process, because that is an order you could definitely handle yourself. The alternative is Susan was placing a bulk order and she showed up to her home to find a big hot stinky pile of that peranian fared. Oh boy. Just under stoop. If you knew you were coming back to a house with a porch full of really any kind of food that had been sitting in the hot sun all day. Like if I was Susan, I would just like five o'clock closing time. Everybody's leaving. They see me still at my desk working like, Hey Susan, it's closing time. And then I would say like, well, no, I don't have a house anymore. That house is the raccoons house. There's raccoons

and one big bear that I guess is kind of like their dad and they all live together and the bear like helps them, bathes them, keeps them clean. It's really cute, but like I wouldn't survive in there for even a second. Oh, but now I showed up after 48 hours and it seems they didn't touch your salad. Oh, dang. Oh, sorry, Alex. We're all concerned about our health right now. But I don't want, there's food safety, can't go unattended. I do want to remind folks, if you're between 40 and 140 degrees, that is the danger zone. You do not leave food in that zone for more than four hours and then consume it. And I can't, I've been running a lot of different simulations here in a program I have on my computer and even being generous and saying this is an office where they had lunch at

one and then Susan got home by five. It's still been in the danger zone too long. You got to trash it for sure. Trash it real quick. Can we just for a moment acknowledge that there is a delivery person that this food was ordered and they knocked and they didn't answer and they were just like, I'll leave it on the porch. Like whoa. That can't be protocol, right? That can't be protocol. What else are they going to fucking do with it? Steal it? No. What are they going to do with it? Go make it snack? I don't know. Hey, listen, this is me. This is like a living will that I'm leaving here that if you ever deliver food to me and I don't answer the door, it's yours. Or if it's me and you're delivering the food in my house and I don't answer the door, you wait because I will be

there at some point and I will be so hungry. Hey, I have a Yahoo. A few people sent this one in. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to call Yahoo David asks, how did the first parents know how to take care of their children? Wow. I mean, how do parents now know how to take care of their children? Books, internet, other parents that have been doing it. Yeah. There's a lot of institutional knowledge out there. Travis, songs, nursery rhymes, nursery rhymes, old books, old books that are kind of more what not to do. Like Bible is pretty much, there's a lot of stuff in Bible that is just like, hey, cautionary tale, don't do this one with baby. I bet there was a lot of angels showing up

that first time around. God was like, you're on your own. And then I don't even have a baby. I was like, oh, shit. Okay, wait. Do you go down there and tell them not to give them marbles or whatever? Right. There were a few babies before. A guy was just like, no, don't get it. They'll get it. They'll get it. Just calm down. They're going to get it. All right. They're not going to get it. Get down there. Okay, Gabriel. Just real quick. Do you go down there and tell them to cook that food? Do you think that the first people, let's call them Adam and Eve, do you think that the first people who are the first parents, do you think that they maybe started to pretend they got it less than they did just so they could go on dates and shit? Like, oh boy. Yeah, I'd love to watch

the kids tonight, Gabriel. Damn. Let me just put them into the stove. No. Okay, you're right. Damn it. Okay, so we'll be at TGI Fridays. Here's the hospitals number. I mean, it would be tough, because it would be like, God has given us this great baby and we love him so much, but God has also given us a tree stump with a perfectly baby sized hole in it. So I think that that is like the storage unit that we, I think that it didn't come with baby, but I think, I mean, look at, look, perfect fit, like a perfect satisfying fit. So like, if God didn't want us to jam our baby in this log and go out to, you know, the cheesecake factory, then why is the hole that way? Good point. Do you guys think if there was some point where the first people, the first parents

were like, you think this thing eats? I think that that is true. I'm more concerned about just baby just like poops on itself and the ground or whatever. And then the parents are like, hey, um, I know he's like little and stuff, but this baby is not cleaning his butt the way we all clean our butt. And it's pretty fucked up if you ask me. It's gross, right? This is gnarly, right? We can all agree that should we talk to him? Like when I do it, I go outside and we don't have TP yet, but you know, I'll use a big leaf and this baby doesn't even go outside. It doesn't. He doesn't know how to use the clam shells. Nope. I use the clam shells. We have these three shells that I use to clean my butt and he doesn't use it, right? Yeah. He doesn't use mammoth bidet, wear a

blaster butt with his big gnarly trunk. I mean, it's a living. It's a living, but like what? I think it's kind of rude and I would actually like to ask him to leave. Can you go ask Fred Flintstone what he did to get his kids to use their bidet? I mean, Fred Flintstone's kid beats the shit out of him all the way. That's Barney's kid. No, that's Barney's kid beats the shit out of him all the time. Man, that's rough. Fred's kid's got a serial deal. She can't be seen to. Yeah. Doing that kind of thing. Here is another question for you, my brothers. I'm pretty sure my neighbor sells weed and I really want some. Okay. All right. Okay. Yeah. I've only ever smoked with friends who had their own weed, but I'm an adult now and I have to get it for myself. I know

very little about him since he's a few years younger than me and we didn't talk when we were in high school. I don't have his phone number and we're not friends on social media. How do I find out if he actually has the good kush for sale? Please help me. I really want to blaze it, but I don't know how to get weed. That's from wannabe loner stoner. And boy, have you ever come to the right place? I think it's important that we do a question like this every year or so annually or so just to remind people that we don't fucking know. We don't know. If it would be, hey, everyone alive, it would be pretty fucking cool if I knew at this junction. It would be pretty cool. I'll take it one step further and clarify for those listening. Not

only do I not know where to get weed, I don't know how to ask somebody where to get weed. So like I am now in a position where it's like, I don't know where to get it and I'm too afraid to ask because I'm pretty sure if I walked out to another human being and said, from whom might I purchase marijuana, they would be like, oh, you're a cop. Can you not, Travis, can you not buy it? Well, I mean, listen, hey, you want to cut through the bullshit, Justin? Yes, I can buy that medical shit and I do. But I'm saying that's not cool. That's not a cool feeling, right? I think it's pretty cool. I like how you can't be arrested and it's not weird. No, that is cool. Listen, that's cool. But I never had arrested because the federal statute term changed. It's just a state

of state. I'll explain it. It's the whole thing. Listen, if they weren't paying attention before, they sure as fuck are paying attention now, okay? So go ahead and just go nuts. As long as your weed dealer isn't selling to nine other people at the same time, I don't think they can, I don't think they can touch you. Maybe there's one of those scenarios where you can just say like, hey, do you sell weed? Because I bet if they do, they're happy for the customers, right? Like, if you're someone who sells weed, you like selling marijuana to people, right? I think that's, you're probably looking for new customers, right? Right? You can't know, here's the problem, right? No, this is incorrect. You're actually wrong because if they're, I thought I was onto something.

No, you're wrong because if you, if you're wrong, then you're going to put them into a position where they're like, what am I putting out there? Right? In my day to day, where it makes it seem like I'm a person who's selling weed. And that's not a bad or a good thing. But it is like, that's not my identity. I don't think like, I don't know that that's my vibe. It's a weird vibe to put out in the world. If I'm not, should I? Like, should I? Am I missing an opportunity? Well, but here's the thing. In this day and age, everybody's selling something, Justin. So maybe it's not weed, but you're like, Hey, I'm, I'm, do you sell weed? And they're like, no, but I do make, you know, handmade hacky sacks or whatever. And I'll sell it to you. And you're like, oh,

okay. So now I need to find somebody who's looking for hacky sacks to trade for weed. But then you find somebody who's like trading hacky sacks for like crochet patterns or whatever. And eventually you will find somebody who will take your, I don't know, your antique waffles for weed. Antique waffles is gross, Trav. Well, I meant like from an antique waffle maker. I didn't mean like they were super old waffles. You were just, I think, I feel like you're, you're also risking falling pretty deep into a multi-level marketing thing. Yeah. Like, do you sell weed? No, but I got some fucking choice, Lula Rowe. I'm so glad you asked. Let me open my sample case that I always have. And you thought was full of weed, but actually it's Lula Rowe.

Here's the thing I would warn you about question asker. You don't have any connection to this person. It doesn't sound like you had any interest in being their friend, even though it sounds like they live next to you. And so I think maybe get to know them, or if you don't want to do that, don't, don't open up the relationship with one of a bartering quality, because I think that would put some strain, no pun intended, on the neighborly relationship. I guess, of course, you should hold off on sort of bridge building for a little bit. Why? Just want to get that out there. You could set up though, like maybe a pulley rope system between houses, would they send over a little so the coronavirus little amoebas can fucking mission impossible zip line from one house to the

other. Oh no, Jeremy fell. It's okay. There's a billion of us. Go, go, go. I forgot. You're right, Griffin. I forgot because I had watched Osmosis Jones the other day and that is how that works. Just get it. Just get a trench coat. Turn on the in your eyes and stand outside their window with your bong above your head. In my lungs, I need some weed in my lungs. Yes, indeed, in my lungs. I hate to interrupt our program, but we do have to take a brief sojourn to the money zone. If you guys would be so kind as to join me. Okay. Here, hop on my back. Travis, you hop on my back. Okay, here I come. Oops, I jumped all the way over the two of you. Oh, and I cleared you by like three or four feet. Let me try again. Whoop, I did it. Oh,

wow, even higher that time. Wow. Damn powerful jumping. These damn powerful legs of mine. If Brittany had my height with her speed, she could she could uppercut the sun. She actually just got a call to hear about how high you're jumping and she's like, I can beat it. Hey, I know we're trying to go to the money zone, but try to hop off there. You're going to hurt yourself. Okay. I know we're trying to go to the money zone real quick, but Travis Menchaw is Osmosis Jones. That brought something in my mind. There are movies trending right now like Contagion and Outbreak and the like. I always see it like in my trending shit on streaming platforms or whatever. And I don't know why a person would watch one of those at this moment. But why isn't Osmosis, why, how is Osmosis

Jones not crept in? Like how is this not the moment we need Osmosis Jones and his funny uptight pill friend to like come in and kind of provide maybe even a little bit of a how to like a funny joke and animation and loving that. But like also maybe there's something you can take away there that would be helpful at this junction. In that movie, does a white blood cell and one cold pill beat? Is it SARS? It's something like that, right? Something pretty bad. Yeah. I bet Griffin David Hyde Pierce has begun every morning just firing up that trending and be like, let's see, is it? Oh, no. All right. Okay. Not right this second. All right. So now. Yeah, Travis get back up there. And then I'm gonna get, I didn't jump high enough in that

time. Oh, you're laying around my back. Let me try again. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go get a step ladder. You guys start without me. Honey, where's the step ladder? Oh, no. That's in the, oh, man. Did we? What a vibrant palette. Oh, shoot. Here in my neck of the woods, restaurant, like a lot of places, I think, dine in restaurants aren't, aren't, aren't keeping it going right now. Can't, can't, can't kind of do that dining in thing. So it has been a actual genuine huge relief to have DoorDash available in our neighborhood. And what I have really appreciated is it gives us a way to support local restaurants here using DoorDash. It couldn't be

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to get 15% off your first order free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee that you're peepee is going to feel like it's in the spa, go to me undies.com slash my brother. That's me undies.com slash my brother. Uh, you know what I've been doing fellas? It's really helped keep my spirits up. Cause I've been getting dressed every day, uh, even though I've worked from home and I could keep my PJs on, I put on some new clothes and let's be honest, a lot of those clothes are coming from Sitchfix and it makes me feel like I still have, you know, purpose and things to do. And then I'm capable of doing that. I hadn't thought about what a hard adjustment this must be for you Travis. I'm sure you miss your, your crew at the office, something fierce.

Well, it's just that, you know, Dwight's always making jokes and, you know, Jim's so serious. He doesn't think anything's funny. Uh, you know, it's just, I miss them. I miss them. Are you still in love with Pam? Oh yeah, but I don't know how to tell her. Uh-oh. Travis is Roy. Travis is cast as someone's Roy in the office. But in my version, I'm the hero. I'm the blue collar worker who everyone respects because of my heart of gold. And Jim's a real bully. He is. He is in the real, we can't unpack this right now. Now we can talk about this later, but he, why is he so mean to Dwight? Okay. Not all close. Now I'm just going to start the beginning. So Sitchfix is a styling service where their

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will send you a box of stuff. There's no commitment required and you only pay for what you keep. Shipping exchanges and returns are always free. Plus the $20 styling fee is automatically applied towards anything you keep from your box. So get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother and get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash my brother. Hi, I'm Dave Hill from Before. And I'm very excited to bring Dave Hill's podcasting incident back to Maximum Fun where it belongs. You can get brand new episodes every Friday on MaximumFun.org or, you know, or ever. And one of my partner, Chris Gersbeck and I might lack in specific subject matter on our podcast. We make up for in special effects. Chris adds something cool right

here. Also, we have explosions, animal noises, and sometimes even this. Dave Hill's podcasting incident every Friday on Maximum Fun. Chris, do another explosion right here. Real quick, I just wanted to clarify. Sorry, guys. It was anthrax that Osmosis Jones. Was it really now? Was it really? It's Laurence Fishburne voices Thrax. But we know what that means. According to the Wikipedia, a tall, extremely virulent pathogenetic agent. And just also real quick side note, Kid Rock makes a cameo in Osmosis Jones as Kidney Rock. Oh, I thought you were going to say, like, good as a nasty little amoeba man, because that's sort of how he presents himself in real life. And I'm not fucking afraid. And I'm not fucking afraid

to say it that I think Kid Rock is a nasty man. Yep. But maybe before all this shit broke bad, like the before times Griffin would like keep his mouth shut because he knows how many people out there love and respect Kid Rock. But I think that like now he could be listening. I mean, but now I've been emboldened by these by this tough time. I've been sharpened and honed, like a katana or something. And I'll just say that Kid Rock sucks shit. And he's a nasty man. Yep. There it is. Come on. Come on. I have a yahoo here. And it's part of a beautiful trend of yahoo that I've been noticing since people have been sending it in. A lot of people sent this one as well. And it is yahoo that have been sent in during the during times.

This one is from March 20th. So I think we can safely consider that the during times. And it's Dylan. And Dylan asks, my dad bought the nasty hamburger buns. So like everybody is suffering from this in in their own ways, some like much, much worse and much more serious than others. And we would encourage you to find ways to support the people out there who really need your help. But the good news is that none of those people are on yahoo answers. Because Dylan says, my dad bought the nasty hamburger buns. I hate when he does this. I hate when he does this. When he grills hamburgers, there's a specific type of buns I like him to buy. They are small, light buns.

I like light buns when I cannot lie. I like the way he's put in commas here, because it says they are small, comma, light, comma, buns, comma. These buns are buns. Since the burgers are never too big, they get smaller when you cook them. That's just burger physiology. He bought the freaking big dark buns. The bun is bigger than the entire patty, which means when I bite, I will be biting into the bun and it's dark, which I don't like the dark buns he buys. What should I do? I hate to see that. I think it's important to be not necessarily conservative, but thoughtful about the food that you have and the food that is able to be circulated among the community. But at the same time, biting into a big burger and getting

worse, and where's the beef? Oh man, is there anything fucking worse than that? My heart goes out to this person's father. The supplies or the selection is pretty slim. I went to the grocery store recently and brought home whole wheat tortillas, and you would have thought that I had vivisected a baby deer in front of my family, because they were met with such disdain and utter disgust these whole wheat tortillas that no one wanted and sit untouched. I brought home a big pack of Uncle Ben's dirty rice instant and instant pack, and Rachel was like, what the fuck? I was like, yeah man, maybe we're a dirty rice family now. Maybe we're going to have a season of Jambalaya, and that is how we

will look back on this. But the big buns, guys, is there anything we can do? Obviously, we can cut the buns, but then the edges aren't bigger meat. No, that compromises the integrity. The daddy can't make bigger meat. The daddy knows how to make one type of burger. It's like you can't un-program that. And you know what? Me like a slider. Oh, Travi like a slider. Travi like a slider. Makes me feel like big man. When Travis first went to Applebee's and they were like, hey man, we got sliders. And he's like, what's sliders? The show? I love that. Jerry O'Connell, kick ass, dude. And they were like, no, no, no, it's like three burgers that you eat instead of one. And then Travis was like, that's my whole life now. Three burgers instead of one burger? Okay. Where do I

sign up? Is there some sort of license I need? Some sort of registry I join? No, but if there is some kind of slider agency, I would love that. Did you say bigger burger already? Did I miss bigger burger? We talked about bigger burger. Yeah, I just want to make sure I got in with bigger burger. But we talked about bigger. We said, yeah, but I don't want people to wonder if I thought bigger burger was a good idea because I hadn't agreed, you know, vociferously that like bigger burger is a great play. Okay. I because at least I did the whole me like a slider thing. Bigger, but the slider is a smaller burger. So I think you know, but that's what I'm saying. But I don't want a big, no, Justin, sorry. Can you step over here, please?

You guys go do that. Wait, can I close the door? This is going to be bad. Yeah, you close the door. I'll keep doing the podcast while you guys sort of talk it out. Let me look at the camera real quick so they know that it's like, oh boy, here we go. Justin, what I was saying is I don't want a bigger burger because I like smaller burgers. I was specifically, I was specifically saying that making a bigger burger would make me angry because I like a slugger. Do you understand? You get it? Do you fucking get it? It's not helpful. You're not helping. No, but I was going down an avenue, Justin. I was looking. I'll clean out my desk. I'll clean out my desk. Thank you. I'll clean up my desk. I'm tired of doing this. Oh, hey,

hey, hey. No, hey, you can eat them. You can eat them. You can squish the fine. You don't have them. How did you get in here, Griffin? The powerful ball. I closed the door. You heard me virtually close the door. Why are we creating so many audio escapes in this episode? It seems like we're leading on audio escapes more than normal. I want a Munch Squad. My feeds are filled currently, not with menu innovations, which is a cornerstone of the Munch Squad. But just a lot of restaurants that are trying to do something. I mean, a lot of these brands. Can we livestream the taco? Is that anything? But you're not that far off. Actually, Travis, you must be reading ahead. Rob Gragowski is going to join Chipotle for Thursday's virtual

hangout. So everybody's kind of wondering what they can do, right? And there's a lot of brands that are just like, how do we Bojangles step in and try to do something about this? What is Bojangles role in all of this? And I can safely do that because they closed the Bojangles in Huntington so nobody can get me. You can't do anything to hurt me, Bojangles. We will learn to eat Bojangles and hold each other through the waves of the web. Rob Gragowski is going to join Chipotle for Thursday's virtual hangout. While people face ongoing challenges of spending time apart, Chipotle wants to connect with its fans and deliver some much needed positive vibes. Chipotle is teaming up with famous brand super fans to host Chipotle Together. Yes, they're both in caps. Chipotle

Together, a series of virtual hangouts for fans that feature celebrity appearances, exclusive content and free entree giveaways. Folks, before I go too much deeper, I want to say, if someone says, what are you doing today? And you say, well, I'm going to hang out with Chipotle and Rob Gragowski virtually. That is very much a second month of quarantine answer. Like, we will accept that and say, I think Chipotle thinks people are a lot more desperate right now than they are, maybe. It's been like a week and a half. We're hanging in there. This is for spitball and new hobbies, right? Like, you've just taken up knitting or painting. But by April, the knitting stuff's in the fucking garbage and you're fucking burrito-ing out with Gronk. Yes. Now, here's what

I will say. If the pinch was, we have overstuffed this burrito and you're going to watch Rob Gragowski try to navigate it. Yeah, that might be a third week of the quarantine thing. Yeah. I feel like they've jumped the gun a little bit. Thursday's Chipotle together. It's scheduled for 2 p.m., so you missed this one, but I'm sure there's going to be another. It's going to feature football legend Rob Gragowski and wrestler Mojo, who will host a 30-minute at-home workout for fans on his Instagram, participate in a Q&A, and give away 5,000 free burritos. Now, I'm going to assume it is a coupon and not some sort of elaborate, maybe drone-based burrito delivery system. Or pneumatic tubes. Or orbital cannon.

Gronkowski has the nuclear football, which he loves, and he will use the orbital cannon to blast big, big burritos right down your chimney like a Santa Claus would. Chipotle has rolled out a series of innovations to elevate the delivery experience for its fans, which is a wild way of saying this. So they've got delivery kitchens, which feature dedicated teams and ingredient stations to prepare digital orders with care. Good. The second thing it says is new tamper evident packaging seals to help ensure food is untouched during delivery. Can we stop for a second? Has this been, hey Chipotle, can we talk over here? Has this been an ongoing concern just now alerting me too? Have you been aware of a problem with food being touched during

delivery? You should have shared this information with her. Right. Yes. Right. We, I just hope so we're clear. I'm not loving that during the coronavirus pandemic. I'm also similarly not loving it before and or after. I really, if you had the one knowledge of this problem and two ability to stop it, it's morally delinquent that you have done nothing about it. We have finally, we have finally begun encouraging our employees to stop slapping the sour cream when they open it to test the surface tension. That's the thing. Unless you can offer me a tamper proof like thing that lets me know it wasn't touched while it was being made either. I think there is still an opportunity for contamination there because my concern

wasn't that the person driving it would be like, I want to see what they got on their burrito. Yeah. Let me pop this open real quick and get a real quick touch going. I'm just going to take stock of whether they got the pico de gallo or not. Like no, I don't think that's the concern. I want a tamper evident burrito where if you open it, it just fucking explodes and showers you in refried beans like a bait bag at a bank or something like that. This is our bait car, but it's a burrito. And if you even touch it, the cops will swarm. How about another question? How would that treat everybody? Yeah, it sounds good. Good, good, good. A duck has recently set up shopping laid eggs in the

bush directly outside the only door to my apartment. Nice. The problem is, every time I come home, the duck flaps away panicked and stands in the parking lot staring at me until I go inside. Aside from the near heart attack this caused me the first few times, I feel bad for repeatedly alarming this duck and interrupting her egg sitting routine. How do I convince this duck that we're chill and I want nothing but the best for her and her future ducklings? That's from duck disruptor in Tennessee, a very considerate human being. How do you know for the duck? Damn, I wish we could talk to ducks. Damn it. Right? Think of all the things we've learned. Think of all the things we could teach them. Damn it.

Our two societies, the duck and the human, would improve by leaves and bounds. If only we could break this damn communication barrier. I see a bunch of ducks hanging out at the park. I'm going to tell them, like, guys, no, go home. You need to fucking chill right now, ducks, but they don't listen to me. I bet there's a lot of ducks out there that are like, man, I miss bread. Yeah. You guys remember? We didn't appreciate it when they would throw dumb goldfish crackers at us. I loved that. I should have told them when I had the chance, and I could speak English this whole time, and I should have told them. What if the only word they know is quack? We just haven't taught them other words, right? Because they say quack,

and that's like a word in English, right? Quack. Well, there's a one duck that says Aflac. He is a goose, but they're the same animal as we've just got. No, he's a duck. Is he? Yeah. He's a duck, isn't he? Yeah, read a book. Well, geese and duck. Justin, are you with me on this? They are the same animal. They're the same. One's the stretched out duck. If someone's taller, Benedict Cumberbatch is taller than me. I don't say there goes a human too. You know what I mean? Just because his body's a different place. That's fucked up. There's no proof that he's human. But what I'm saying, Griffin, is that you could maybe convince me swan is big duck, but goose is not big duck. We can't relitigate this, Travis.

I'm just saying swan is like attractive big duck. It's the bridge. A goose is a whole other thing. It's the genetic bridge between these two incredible birds that no matter what, we can't talk to either of them. So there's no point arguing this. Well, what if we could find, we can talk to Parrot, right? So if we find a Parrot that can speak duck, that could be the in-between. Here we go. Here we go. Wait a minute. Travis, that's a big idea that we need to just move that off for a second. What Travis is suggesting is Parrot speaking human. Parrot speaking bird, is this the missing link that we've been needing? We just haven't asked. It's a really good point, actually. So I go to the park with my pet parrot and I say,

Parrot, you've got to warn these ducks. And then I hear the parrot make incredible bird noises that my stupid human ears can't even understand. And then I just kind of see one of the ducks' eyebrows go up like, oh, and they scoot on home. Thanks for warning. They tell their friends, all ducks are now just fucking safe and in lockdown. Who's this parrot? Who's this sea biscuit parrot? Is it just all parrots? Do we need to start a network? Well, no, because you wouldn't one, not all parrots speak duck, but also do you trust? That's saying I would let anyone translate for me in an important negotiation between two countries. We're going to need to find an even tempered trustworthy parrot. I know that this parrot isn't taking liberties in the translation

and isn't like, he told me to tell you he's cool, but he's a real turd. Yeah. You know? How do you trust a parrot? There is no good answer for that, except for you don't. You can't. You would have to find a duck who spoke human that the parrot didn't know that the duck spoke human that you could be like, all right, duck, what did he say? I mean, I've never asked a duck to honk into my phone using Google translate. Oh, shit. Like I haven't tried it and it probably, I'll be the first to say 99% chance it doesn't work. But if there's a 1% chance I can get out there and just sort of ring the the the klaxon for these incredible animals, I'm going to, I am going to risk it. Now Griffin, if a scientist came to you and said we figured it out, but we only have

enough power to generate one message to the ducks. Get out of there. Okay, but in in one context, get out of the bush. I mean, it's like, get out of there wherever they're at. Yeah. Well, then where do they go? Are you just saying get off the planet, ducks? Okay, fine. Come to my house, ducks. You'll be safe here. But I don't feel like that is going to like, you need to say like, trust me because now come to my house. Trust me because I have some breath, not a lot. But all ducks, please report to Griffin McRoy's house. This is mandatory. Or you know, we're gonna or let me finish. Okay. Thank you. Dear all ducks, please report to Griffin McRoy's house address here. And immediately and I'm not even worried about like putting that address out there because

this will be in duck language. So like human beings won't even understand it. And come to my house. I do have bread. This is mandatory. If you do not come to my house immediately, you will be punished with duck punishment. And that's the worst. And you're saying now, and this is a long message, but you didn't say how long it could be, but I haven't put a period in yet. And you may be wondering how Griffin knows what duck punishment is. Well, the ducks who do come to his house are going to tell him. And then he will turn that knowledge against the rest of you. So it's time to choose your side. The line has been drawn in the sand. Which do you want to get through this thing and hang out with me and have a kick ass duck party and eat some cool bread for like a day

before I run out? Or are you going to do duck punishment? The choice is yours. Love Griffin. And if that doesn't save these fucking, these beautiful, beautiful beasts, then they're not worth fucking saving, are they? Okay, well, it's all clear to me now is that you want the ducks to social distance away from humans. Or I've been social distancing. So it's cool if they come. If I'm understanding correctly, the doctors online and the ones that like come on the TV now and talk at me all the time, they did say it's fine. If you're isolating, go ahead and have a billion birds over to your house and you should be okay. Well, that'll be good because up till now, ducks have been so aggressively social with human beings. They have no idea that they're not supposed

like go to the movies or anything. A little too friendly. Yeah. If you ask me. So I think that answers the question, right? I mean, it's pretty well fucking answered, Travis. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me. We hope that you are staying sane, and hopeful, and home, and still managing to keep your spirits up during these challenging times. We're glad that you've chosen this entertainment product as your as your constant companion. We're so happy to be here with you. Normally, we'd plug something here. But we won't. I'll plug John Roderick in the long winters who let us use their theme song, our theme song, into departure off the album, putting the days to bed. So yeah, go get that now.

I mean, get it digital. Get it digital today. Get it digital today. In months and months from now, when I'm sure everything will be back to normal and fine, the Adventure Zone graphic novel book three is going to come out. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. Pre-order that at the adventurezonecomic.com. Just take care of each other. Yeah. You know, wash your hands, take each other, take each other. 2 p.m. Thursdays. Tune in for Gronk's Burrito Hour. Yeah, I'll be there. And he had started 23 minutes as we were recording. So I gotta get I gotta wrap it up. I gotta get my tuxedo on. Oh, and real quick, so we're doing our first ever live streaming Cincinnati Underground Society show. Usually only people in the Cincinnati area can come, but now anyone can

watch. It's going to be this Friday, the third, April 3rd, 8 to 11 p.m. Eastern time. And we have a huge lineup of guests. It's like 10 or more people, including some people who you might recognize from some macro shows. And it's a surprise lineup, but I promise you they are all incredible. Take it start at $5, but proceeds go to charity. We have chosen a charity that provides equipment and supplies for healthcare workers responding to COVID-19. So it's a great cause, and it's going to be a super fun show. You can get your tickets at bit.ly slash cuss live. That's bit.ly slash c-u-s-s-l-i-v-e. This Friday, 8 to 11 p.m. Eastern time. Be there. It's going to be super fun. Thank you so much for listening. Griffin, you have a final idea for us.

I don't know who sent it in, though, because it got the that part got deleted. And we're holding this thing together with twine and tape, but I apologize. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user Yeet, who asks, how does one spoon an angel? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. You Maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported