My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 505: Slippery When Voltron

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

In today’s episode, we set a new record for Lack of Commitment to an Opening Bit — a record whose previous holders include … let’s see here … oh, it’s us! The list just says us, like, fifty times.Suggested talking points: Hot Gin, Sonic’s Sacrifice, Timesheet Secrets, Bathroom Investigations, Goldfish Punishment, Large Old Pizza News, Titanic Kaiju

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. And it's been a big adjustment working from home. I miss everybody at the office.

Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, dude. Stanley. Did you say, Danly? Stanley. Stanley, okay. Stanley. Fucking Dwight, dude. Wait, hold on. Is this isolation or did we talk about the office last week?

I feel like we did that again last week. Pan, fucking gin. Okay, wait, let me hit you something. Swipes. I want to hit you with a fantasy. This is a fantasy starter. Okay, everybody, here's a prompt for your nano-ri-mo. Just get you going early, right? Okay. Pam and Jim.

That's something, right? Yeah. But if you change both the sounds to in, you got pan and gin, and you're in like a fantasy thing, just like that. It's a tale of one of the pantheon of gods and a genie recently freed from a lamp. Oh, you went a different way. I thought you were saying like some kind of weird children's story where like a frying pan and I guess a bottle of gin worked together and like ran away with the spoon kind of thing.

See, that's where I went with it too. And I, you know, me, I live in Austin and I haven't been able to get out to all of my favorite, you know, cocktail risseries, some of my favorite mixing labs that a lot of the mixologists down here have been whipping up for me. What with their lavender smokes and scented orbs and shit like that. And so I thought you were giving me the hot new cocktail of the spring, Justin, which is that you pour gin in a pan and make it get it hot. And now we're talking about hot gin. Hot gin, delicious. Hot, detoxified gin. That is some sterile gin right there.

Burn all the alcohol out of that gin before I drink it. I just want the good flavor of that gin. I just want the flavor of hot gin. I just want that to burn me inside and outside. Hey guys, is this anything? Is this a cocktail? Gin and Sonic. Is that a cocktail? So that could be something.

By the way, is this, is this intro anything so far? Because we've tried about six different things in four minutes. Yeah, we'll get there. What do you guys think? I think gin and Sonic is like gin and like blue curacao. Or you just watched the Sonic the Hedgehog movie now on demand. Featuring. Now this is interesting. Okay, Griffin, let's talk about this fucking heel turn. Yeah.

Because because this is a behind the scenes heel turn for everybody. We told Griffin we should do a Sonic watch about the release of Sonic. He quickly poo pooed it. And now Griffin has taken us down some back roads and removed the blindfolds to find that we are at Sonic's house. And he has driven us there. Here's the thing, Juice, you offered me, I was falling, falling down the big tree. I fell off the branches of the big tree where I was having a monkey party up top, right?

Yeah. And I fell down trying to reach a big coconut and I was falling. And then you two apes were like, Hey Griffin, here's a vine. And it's Sonic the Hedgehog now on video on demand. Watch it, catch it live. Yes, but boys, please let me, please let me finish. Just let him, please let him finish. I saw that.

I said there's so many reasons not to grab that vine. I already did watch it. It's an old movie. There's no way to make jokes about it anymore. People have done all the jokes. And also there's a movie coming out next week on demand that I really want people to see. So I don't want them to burn their movie budget. But then I said poo poo to that vine and I kept falling.

And then some more rotten ass vines came along. Rotten ass vines like here's how to make a hot gin and here's the office but fantasy. And now I'm looking up that Sonic vine. I'm like, Oh, that looks pretty fuck. It looks like that one can have a lot of tension on it. That it will hold up my weight and keep me alive. But here's the problem, Griffin, to continue Justice metaphor, not only did you drive us to Sonic's house, but it was like I said,

like Sonic's having a birthday party. Let's go. And you said, I don't want to go to Sonic's birthday party. And I said, okay, so I didn't buy him a present. And then I get out of the car and you're like, we're at Sonic's birthday party and I brought a present. And now Justin and I look like fucking assholes because we didn't bring any presents for Sonic. And you brought the present.

Yeah, but now it's like we've all walked into the party and you two are yelling about how you didn't get presents for Sonic, isn't it? Well, can we say that your present is from all of us? Yeah, sure. Why not? Hey, guys, it's me, Sonic. I'm so stoked you can make it to my bash. Hey, it's good to be out.

I'm glad that we broke the quarantine protocols for this Sonic the Hedgehog's birthday party. Definitely worth it. Definitely worth it. Big fine coming our way, but we did get you all three of us this present together. And we couldn't go to a store, obviously, Sonic. So I apologize for that. It was made at home with a lot of love. I got a text from some...

Wait, are you still Sonic? No, no, I'm Justin. I'm telling you to enter there to entertain Sonic. Hold on one second, Sonic. No problem. So I'll just be over here talking to my other guest. I'm a good host. Yeah, make the rounds, but I will.

But just know that none of them are as important to me as you are. Thanks, man. The fact that, I mean, Mario's here, but fuck that guy, right? Like, you guys are my true BFF. By the way, this is the best intro you guys have ever done, because you're speeding through the topic so fast without even paying attention to them or trying to flesh them out, just like I run through the city as Sonic the Hedgehog.

I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of you. Because you're not focusing on any one thing for, like, more than 25 seconds. It was almost like we were in the middle of a bit and a skit right there, and Justin just, like, fucking saw a butterfly float by and lost interest in it. That's a reward for your good comedy. I'm going to run around and scoop up all the coronavirus to protect you. You didn't want to come to Sonic's house in the first place.

If I run around the world real fast, it'll create a vortex. It's going to suck up all the coronavirus. I've had the ability to do it this whole time. But I held it back because you guys weren't doing a good enough intro yet. But look at you now. My truly stars. I'm so proud of you. Watch as I zoom around and cure the world.

You came here under duress. Come on, Tails. Let's save the Magleroi brothers. That is not Sonic music. Justin, tell us about your fucking text. I got text. No, I don't even want to do it anymore. No, you have to do it now.

Not at all. Sonic's waiting. Don't. I don't have to do it. You just put your Sonic the Hedgehog on the altar of your supposed joke, and you slit his throat and the blood has run down into the trough. And then Sonic died and you looked at him and you're like, I don't really want to do the sacrifice.

I don't really want to do the Sonic sacrifice anymore. But he's going to come back, right? No. Read your fucking text and we'll see if it's good enough. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Justin. No, things got funny. They weren't funny when I was going to do it.

Now it's less funny than what we're doing. We had a fucking great Sonic the Hedgehog bit. Like it got better, but it was good bones for it. You didn't want to come to Sonic's house. But we're at once we got there, Justin. Why are you on his side? Why are you on his side? I'm not listening.

I'm on nobody's side. Sonic the Hedgehog's house, okay? We haven't left the house. We haven't left our own houses in a while. We're excited to be out and about fucking chilling with our blue friend. I'm just saying we could have talked about listening to Sonic's bedroom. We could have listened to all this. He's just standing there listening to all this.

This is totally tapping. Tell me what your text said. I'm going to have Knuckles whip your ass. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to talk about it. Justin, here comes Knuckles. He looks angry. I'll wait till things get less funny.

And then Knuckles is kind of cracking his, what's the word for it? Uh, his like fist bones, his, his, his, the middle of his hand bones. You know, his hand, his hand bendies. You know, he's popping them. Not the meat in his hands, but the other stuff. It's where it kind of like hand corners, you know, hand hinges. Why does Tails have to take orders from Sonic? He can fly.

Justin, please. If I could fly away from Sonic. Yeah. I would, I would be the boss. I would fly straight into his arms. Yeah. They're in love. Oh, hold on.

Let me look on the internet. See if there's a picture of that. Huh. Oh, no. My computer is melting. Hey, what's a question or the text? I will accept either one. I don't want to talk.

Read the text, Justin. Okay. I, I got a text from some random staffer who was fundraising for some candidate in Iowa and like yesterday and I got this text and I'm not in Iowa. So I don't, I don't like people straight up. Just text me out of nowhere. So they're like, hey, this is me from this campaign. How are you doing today?

And I said, you know, I'm just getting my house cleaned up for a big party before all my guests get here. And then the person, and the person responded, yeah, I feel you. No, I don't know what, I don't know what the proper response should have been. Probably like, give me your address. I'm calling the cops on you. Right. But I did not expect, yeah, I feel you.

Oh, jeez. Sonic's looking up from the blood-soaked glyphs and he's smiling. Oh, you liked it. He's so glad you killed him. Thank you for killing me, Justin. Set me free. To die is the true advent. You've got to go fast into Christ's ever-loving arms.

Up here, everything's fast. Geez, oh, Pete. That's his real name. Got to find the questions. As I work as an editor for, are now, okay, can I clarify Travis? Yes. What times? These are for the current days.

What epoch? These are, these are, I went out and scooped these up from the blasted wastelands. Myself. These are today times. Yes. Yes. Work is an editor for a publishing company. The workflow around here is not very steady.

Some days I have lots of pages to check. In other days, I have absolutely nothing to do. This was never a problem in the office as I'd gotten pretty good, pretending to be busy when my boss went by. However, now that we're all quarantined and working from home, I have to send a detailed report to my boss every day, listing the specific projects I worked on. Brothers, how can I beef up my report

so it looks like I'm busy every day when I'm actually doing, fuck all. That's for misleading in Massachusetts. It is weird to me that we live in a time, and I, listen, I believe you question asked it, but it is weird to me that we live in a time where it was easier to pretend to do nothing at the office surrounded by other people than in your own home watched by probably only your Alexa.

Well, it's because there are a lot of folks out there in managerial positions of a lot of different places that assume that as soon as you leave their line of sight, you are playing Pokemon Go with all of your friends at the park. And that's obviously not true. And it's a very shitty way to think about your employees. On the flip side of that, I did dick around pretty much my entire first couple of years

of working from home. So like, yeah, I'm playing Pokemon Go at the park with my friends, but hey, we're all going through some shit right now. Maybe calm down a little bit. I think that this question asker is not the only person dealing with this. My evidence is your guy has gotten a lot of, how can I put this in a non-increasing fashion? Your guy has gotten a lot of requests for conference calls

in the past couple of weeks with some of our many friends and partners that maybe your boy didn't necessarily need to be on a conference call with. And he has a suspicion that maybe some of our beloved friends and partners are trying to get a few more pips on the old workflow sheet for that night. Trying to like log a couple of, yeah, I did some brand extension with our man Justin over there. I logged a big long call with him. What if you just started listing on your list of stuff that you did,

just like a half hour where you just went dark? And when your boss is like, what's that all about? You say, I wish I could tell you. That's, yeah, 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Michael's private time. And then they'll be like, what did you do in there? And be like, can you fucking read? You don't get to ask me that. It's Michael's private time.

What about just like, you just write like 10 to 3 synergistic planning session? That's pretty good. Right? And they'll be like, what was that? It was like, I was trying to plan how to do some more synergy. If you don't know, you're the, sorry, you're the boss? Yeah. That's weird.

10 to 3, watch reruns of who's the boss. Because I was having a hard time remembering who the boss was. That flips like, you gotta also keep an incredibly detailed log of just like, 8, 8, 0, 1. Woke up, 8, 11. Finished my morning bathroom time, 8, 12. Started cooking the oatmeal. It was a Tuesday, Derek.

And then 11, 51 to 11, 54. Please don't ask me what I did during these three minutes. Please. 8, 45 to 9, made oatmeal. 9, 0, 1. Realized burned oatmeal. 9, 0, 2. Started making oatmeal again.

Oh no, out of oatmeal. What do I do? 9, 0, 5 to 9, 0, 7. Again. I need a secret. Please. Please let it be a secret. 9, 0, 7 to 9, 0, 9.

Again. It might have just been a continuation of first secret. Hey, how about a yahoo? Yeah, I love that. Here's one that was sent in by Graham Robuck. Thank you, Graham. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm going to call. Limba asks, when you go to someone's place, what can you learn from their bathroom?

Everything. Wow. I think everything's maybe exaggeration, but I think you can learn a great deal. And I also think as adults, this is the closest we get to when you're a kid and you stay the night at somebody's house for the first time in your friendship with them. And you like it fucking parts the veil just like, oh, so that's how you do all this shit. That's how you do all this stuff. We've talked about this many times, but it's like Poirot, right?

Where it's all about the psychology, right? That's what I'm saying is walking into someone's bathroom and seeing like putting yourself in their head where it's like, oh, you had to get that close. Like you put this there so you could reach it from here. Now I know what type of person you are, right? Like if you come into my restroom, I don't want to brag, but I have two extra rolls of toilet paper in there. Position.

You are bragging. That started as a joke, but it is an actual brag. It's a little bit, yeah. And maybe a little bit incriminating their hoarders. Well, I have only the two. Sorry. No, yeah. And she said, oh, he's hoarding.

He doesn't need that. I have only two rolls. I've lived with Travis a great many years of my life. And let me just say that is not a lot for Travis. That's a Wednesday morning through a Friday afternoon. Yeah. I get silly in there, you know, and get this Justin. It's one ply, which I am horrified to admit because that's basically nothing.

I've been trying to look for toilet paper online to see if it's a bit because you still can't buy it in stores. Do you all hear about this? And oh, hey, stand back. He's about to like there's a delivery here. I'm waiting for it. Go on. Because I feel like once it's online, it's available.

You can still find the only toilet paper you can buy and I'm so tempted. You can get like a giant, like one of the commercial like three foot wide rolls, single ply rolls that from like that you'd see it like a fucking convention center or something. And I feel like if I found that in someone's bathroom, that would actually tell me a whole lot about them. Mostly good. Yeah.

Good stuff. Good stuff. Mostly good stuff about preparation and economy and just like general ass sensitivity. But I have been tempted to buy the giant roll and just not worry about it anymore. Then I don't have to worry about it ever again. I'll just have the giant roll. What if you walked into someone's bathroom, they had one of those three foot wide rolls, but it was like hanging on a chain that was bolted to the wall.

What is that? That's cool. And you have to like get a key on like a big ladle to go in there and use the bathroom. What's that tell you about them? That you're at a gas station and not a house. Yeah. But like somebody lives there, you know what I mean? And they have like.

In a gas station? In the bathroom. Yeah. Well, I guess the gas station man lives there. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. But that's the only bathroom he has.

I don't, I'm trying to think of the last time I walked into a friend's bathroom and was like kind of shocked by what I saw in there. And it's never a bad, like it's never I walk into somebody's like bathroom and then there's, you know, active shits like in places where they shouldn't be. It's more like I walk into their bathroom and it is like. Like very perfumed and puperine and like very powdered and prim and proper in a way that you don't that you don't always anticipate. You walk in and it's like a mid 90s sort of like grandmother's bathroom.

And that's like dope. Like that's great. That's your that's your scent and that's the profile that you chase down. It's just like I was not expecting that necessarily. For me, it's if I walk in there and there's some kind of poster on the wall that I wasn't expecting where it's like, Oh, Jeff, Jeff Goldblum is going to watch me duty. Okay. You ever seen that trap?

A Jeff Goldblum poster in someone's bathroom. Yeah. Okay. I think I think shower curtain design. Like then you know who your fun friend is. Oh man, I went in there and that looked like fish on your shower curtain. That's fucking hilarious, Jeremy. I went in there and it kind of looked like the shower from Psycho.

Like there was like a shadow on it, right? So if you're inside of it, it's like someone's going to kill you. That's funny and scary and scary. That tickles both parts of my brain. I love that, Jeremy. It's just like critters in space. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Funny and scary. I think it's weird to see unused bath bombs because what are you waiting for? Times are tough. Treat yourself. I think the reason all of the three of us have bidets is so you can walk into our bathroom and just sort of immediately clock what we're about without having to look anywhere else. You see the bidet on the toilet, we could have a poster hanging on the wall that says like,

I like to murder and you would see the bidet and be like, I've seen all a case closed. I get it. I get, I get their whole thing. It's an autobiography on top of my toilet. Here's another question. I have a goldfish named Gibby. Can I just say, I really like this one because I think more than all the questions about being quarantined, this one might best exemplify kind of what everyone's going through right now.

So go ahead. I have a goldfish named Gibby that I keep in my room. Gibby is about to be three and for the past month and a half, he's been picking up pebbles in his tank trying to eat them and then spinning them out very loudly. He does this in the middle of the night, usually at 2am. How do I stop him or punish him without killing him? Okay. I still love my fishy boy.

That's from Nautical Naughty in North Brunswick. What I love about this is this is the kind of thing where like maybe a month ago, your fish doing this, you wouldn't even clock it. You wouldn't even notice. No, no, no, no, not even notice. Yeah. But now you're like, my fuck Gibby, if you spit out one more God to the pebble, my life with Gibby has gotten challenging.

Day 14, things are tense between me and Gibby. My cat, I've had to start leaving on eight hour long YouTube videos of birds for my cat because my cat just can't chill, just has zero chill. So while I'm kind of doing my thing downstairs with the comedy and what have you, the jokes and things, the cat is watching bird vids just to kind of keep her a little bit chilled out. I gave, that's wild. Clearly, my bigger doggy, a like squeaker chew toy thing that I'd been saving, but she was getting very antsy.

And so I gave it to her and the pitch and frequency of it has become like an annoying, like telltale heart, but like if it's out of a heartbeat, it was just a squeaker and it pierced through my brain every time, every 0.5 seconds. My little stinker is always up to no good. This fuzzy fucking rascal is always doing bad stuff in my house, but you got to love them, huh? You got to love your son. Son.

No, man. I'm talking about my little, my puppers or this toe beans. This will stink. This will stinker, guys. You don't remember my puppers. It's just now occurring to me. My cat's always in quarantine. So the only thing that she could be negatively reacting to is our increased presence.

That is what has irritated the cat. That's kind of her time to chill out. Maybe that's what Gibby's doing is Gibby is trying to annoy you out of the room. Yeah, this is Gibby's time. But at the same time, it's like who rescued who, you know what? Thank you. Because I always think that while I look at my puppers toe beads. Can I make a suggestion?

Here's what you do. Nautical naughty in North Brunswick. Get a bowl, get an identical fish bowl and put, I don't know, like some clear edible so that maybe like K-Row syrup, something clear and edible. And then put one goldfish cracker in it. Put it next to Gibby's bowl. And then yell at the fake goldfish cracker like, you've been annoying the hell out of me.

And then eat that goldfish cracker in front of Gibby. Cool. And then kind of slowly turn to Gibby and say, you're next if you keep it up with that pebble thing. That's a cool idea. Yeah, it's a cool idea. No, it's definitely not like really troubling. And it'll work.

The fish will get it for sure, for sure, for sure. Okay, smart guy. Give me a punishment that one could enact on a fish that would not kill it. Period. Okay, put it further away from you. That's not a punishment for the fish once. That then good. It's then both parties win and you can be in the corner and do first.

How fish can't make loud noises. There's no fish unless it is a whale and it slaps its big body against the water after diving out of it. Fish cannot make loud noises. So this is a full blown fever dream that you've got going on. And that's fine. We've all got them. It's tough times out here.

But if you're having trouble with your completely stationary aquatic pet, put it in the corner or outside. There's so many places for this fish to go. Don't put it outside. Don't put it outside, but don't put it outside. Don't put it outside. I mean, there's a temptation to say, just feed him less. But you know, Gibby, he's just getting up fucking shredded and looking great

and shredding those last few ounces that he needed to get to his sexiest fish bod. I'm just worried. I'm worried about rewarding his negative behavior because now he wants to be moved. You move him because he's been, you know, behaving badly. And then what's next? He wants a tiny TV and then he starts yelling at you. You know, ping, ping, ping, spitting those pebbles against the bowl. And then you're like, fine, you'll get a tiny TV.

And then what's next? His own house? A water slide? I think this is where you got to draw the line. You need to establish dominance. You need to get in that bowl. You need to swim better than him. You need to spit pebbles better than him.

Establish fish dominance. Try this. You could get in his head maybe and watch shape of water near him. And then just every few minutes be like, I get it. I get it. Absolutely. I get it. Yes.

Now, is that to scare him into thinking that you might be romantically attracted to him? No, I mean, not. You just just keep him guessing. You're not willing to commit to the bit. You just crafted, Justin. I don't know where your own thing made you uncomfortable. While you were in the middle of it, I can tell you were like, oof, that sucks. Middle of it.

In the middle of it, I didn't like it. Travis. I don't like it. Now, I like it less now, but in the middle of it, I started at the beginning. Let me chart. At the beginning, I like it. Felt very good about getting in there with it. Middle of the road, sort of halfway through the project,

took a little intermission in my Madula Blangada. And started to rethink the whole enterprise. By the end of it, I wish I'd punched out earlier, but I felt like I was pot committed. Hey, can I ask you a quick post game question? Yeah, anything, Travis. I'd love to follow up on this so that others can learn from my failings. Now, if you could go back and do it again, would you change the movie or change your delivery? Okay, so I did think about a fish called Wanda.

And I thought maybe something there with Kevin Klein eating the fish, if you remember. Yeah. And then I thought something about the fish man and then from shape of water. And then just the opening was there. I just started going. I didn't have a goal line in mind. You know, I just started going for it. I wish Justin, you had brought up the incredible Mr. Limpit,

so I could have crossed off the fucking wild obscure references, Mbim Bambingo card that I have printed out here. I would love, you know, I thought of something different. Let's go to the money zone. We don't need to talk about my thing anymore, for sure. Sure, Justin sounds good. Thank you, Phillip. Hey, listen, did you just eat a fish?

And you want to get the taste of your goldfish out of your mouth? Good news. You've got quip. Quip, it says here, as the makers of the quip electric toothbrush, that is the best at scrubbing goldfish from betwixt your chompers. Huh. That's weird. It's weird how well that works out.

Oh, get David Blaine over your house. He knows how to do it, but then cancel it out. David Blaine knows how to swallow the fish, but then get it out. And that'll scare the fish. He does get a real fish every time. It's two fish. They're twins. It's twin fish.

Okay. So it's basically the prestige. Well, it's not exactly the prestige. It is. Okay, it is the prestige. David Blaine is a big fan of the prestige. So you've been brushing your teeth and you're like, how long has that been because it still tastes like goldfish?

Well, they have a built-in two-minute timer in the quip electric toothbrush, so that you won't have to worry about if you've brushed long enough to get the goldfish out from between your teeth. And if there's some stuck in there, they also provide floss, which is great, because that will get that hard to reach goldfish out from between your teeth.

And they deliver toothpaste, brush heads, and floss refills every three months because your old ones are going to be caked in goldfish bits, and you can get it with free shipping. So go to getquip.com slash mybrother right now and get your first refill free spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mybrother quip the good habits company slash get goldfish out of your teeth company.

Hey, it's tough to go pretty much anywhere right now, and that includes the post office, which is an extant space in the world. But hey, you need to send out letters and packages. You need your postage. Don't worry, stamps.com is here to help from the safety and privacy of your own freaking house. Anything you can do at the post office

you can do from home at stamps.com. You just use your computer to print official US postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. And then once your mail's ready, you just leave it out for your character, for your character, for your original character. Say you've got a new member of the Sonicverse

and their name is Turbo and they're a velociraptor and they've got a bad attitude. They'll pick up your freaking mail and deliver it wherever you need it delivered. And you can schedule a free package pickup. You can drop it in a mailbox. No human contact required. It's that simple.

You can get great discounts too. Five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off USPS shipping rates. So that's all good stuff. Right now our listeners can get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. Without any long-term commitment,

just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. That's stamps.com. Enter my brother. Stay safe, my friends. They do have that in the copy at the end of the thing. You have to read it.

You have to read it. And it is, okay, we'll say this. As performers and ad copy readers, it is mandatory that we do say, stay safe, my friends. But it does, for a mandatory message, it does make me feel a certain amount of warmth and care. A mandatory amount. A mandatory amount of essential...

Wait, is it possible stamps.com was saying that just to the three of us? Oh, it is maybe. But I didn't know stamps.com thought of us that way. I thought of us as business liaisons. But I guess I do love... I guess I am in love with stamps.com. Every Christmas, they do send me four brownies.

Yeah. What's that all about? Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller. Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast

that's insightful and thoughtful, but like also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of. Yeah, man, sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks every week, myself, and I'm Morgan Rhodes and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talked to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives.

Guests like Moby, Open Mike Eagle, talk about albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again? Heat Rocks deep dives into hot records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Okay. Is that bad?

No. You sounded disappointed. No, I just, it's sometimes... I want a munch. What? I want too much. Now it's bad. That was a punk one.

Like grimy punk. That was really punky. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's really punky. Snack flag. Why did I take it back to... I took it back to more retro because I have an exciting new development.

And this, I have to give the credit. This was not necessarily my idea, but I think it is genius. This came in from Quinn, and Quinn suggested a throwback munch squad that we go back way back to before. And not just like to a few years back, ones we might have missed.

We dig deep. Right? I mean, so I'm putting out the call if you can get some press releases from like wild shit that came before. The Library of Congress to find like when McDonald's did pizza. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

If you find me those press releases, dig way deep. Let's get nasty. In Big, Big Pizza War, will Bigfoot top the dominator? Oh my God. Yes. Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. This is a listen, folks. This is a news story published. It's by Michael Dresser, published in the Baltimore Sun on April 30th, 1993. This is a blow the dust off this munch squad. Man, this is good. I'm really excited.

I've been really excited the whole show to read this to you all. Is that why you killed Sonic? Ostola Pizza, baby. All right. Good start. Ostola Pizza, baby. Here comes the dominator, boasting that it has created the biggest,

baddest, hunkahunkah melted cheese on the market. Oh, fuck me. Domino's Pizza, Inc. Lurched into the Monster Pizza Wars yesterday with a 30 inch, 30 slice pie in the face of its competitor. That's one. Hold up. Each slice is one inch.

Fuck off. This is what it's challenging. Brought to life in Domino's laboratories in Ann Arbor, Michigan, the dominator will grapple with Pizza Hut's Bigfoot and Little Caesar's Big, Big Pizza for the biggest bite of the market for carry out pizza with a gland condition. Okay. Hilarious.

Reggie Fees and Mary. Hilarious. His biggest failure at his time at the Pizza Hut and perhaps his biggest professional failure was the Pizza Hut Bigfoot Pizza. And now Domino's is challenging Reggie's failure with the dominator. Domino's rectangular dominator, so that should make more sense.

Right? It will measure a fucking 1993. Measure a Schwarzeneggerian. Schwarzeneggerian, 10 inches by 30 inches. Okay, 10 inches by 30 inches. So that's 300 square inches of pizza. In 30 slices, each slice is 10. Okay.

I was getting there. Square inches. I was going to get there, Justin. You have to let me do it on my own if I'm ever going to get better at it. Late side by side, it's bigger than my three-year-old. Who I have always wanted to take heat. Dad, let me up.

Said a Domino's spokesman, Tim McIntyre. Later on, my three-year-old. Oh, wait, hold on. I'm reading right here. It says, okay, yeah, uh-huh, okay, okay. This 27, 30-year-old, 30-year-old man just killed his dad. Oh, it was this, and he said, it's because he used to lay me next to pizza.

I lay my kid next to a pizza for a thing I wanted to say. The mine's bigger than yours contest got started in earnest last month when Little Caesars began the national rollout of its 11 and a quarter by 22 and a half inch big, big pizza on the Ides of March. That roused the wrath of Pizza the Hut, which went Little Caesar a step bigger, bigger

by chomping out its big, this- Christ. Big ups to you, Michael Dresser, for putting in the fucking work. Yeah, dude. Putting in the work. You don't see this kind of attention to detail anymore in these press releases.

The Ides of March thing is a goof on the fact that it's Little Caesar's fucking layers upon layers of melted cheese and sauce and bread. Now here comes the dominator. Delighted, Travis. Now here comes the dominator, scheduled to begin hitting the stores in various markets. Whether Baltimore is won hasn't been decided

in about two weeks. In a switch from Domino's traditional emphasis on delivered pizza, it will be available by carryout only. That's right, folks. You can't get this sent to your house. You have to go, you have to come here to do this because it's a crime otherwise. Huh.

We don't even know if our 1993 automobiles could handle a pizza this large. The market that we're going after, the carryout value pizza market, is a very hungry one, said Mr. McIntyre. Why not be the biggest? Hey, Tim, you've said several wild things all together. With very few wild words, you've said a very wild thing,

and that is pizza hungry people love a hungry pizza. Get it big. So you're saying hungry people want a big pizza. Yes. What about two pizzas? What? You can do two pizzas and have both. Somebody could bring them to you

and you wouldn't have to leave your house. But big people with big hunger only have one mouth. Nice try. They drive a car. Come give me pizza. They love leaving house. Hey, guys, I'm not halfway through the story, and I'm not a third into the wildest shit in it.

Okay. But what really accounts for this mega pizza trend? Have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles multiplied? Oh, Jesus. Is President Clinton's White House staff pulling too many all-nighters for ordinary pizzas? Oh, boy. Fucking just keep it coming.

It's like, I know it's written in 93, but I feel like it was written to be read in 2020 to take you out of fucking. I love the 90s. He finished it and sealed it up and then just like buried it in Justin's front yard. It's like, I feel like I'm watching Good Night and Good Gene Shallot.

It's fantastic. This is the quote. It would go a long way towards sating the hunger of the health care task force, set a spokesman in the White House press office who asked to be identified only as assistant to the president in charge of pizza control. What the living fuck?

The only problem he said is security. It's dangerous. Quote. You could fit a lot of stuff on a pizza that big. He said, fucking story. Do you know that originally Prince titled the song Pizza Control? And then they said, well, I don't think

that that's risque enough for Prince. Make it yuckier, Prince. And he said, okay, I think I can judge it up a little bit. This person, this White House staffer was reached out to for a quote about the big pizzas and made a fun joke about, oh, I don't know. We love pizza around here. And then realized like, wait a minute.

You could stick a lot of anthrax in a 30 square inch pizza. And this was pre-911 when they didn't even check the pizzas. Like a lot of things changed on 911. You used to be able to just walk up and hand the pizza directly to the president. A lot of things also changed in the fall of 1993 when these big pizzas came around. Oh God, where to next?

Oh, that's right. Okay. Fuck it, Michael Dress. Are you genius? But futurist Melinda Davis said, this big pizza business has nothing to do with politics. It's about sex. What?

What? Huh? Consider this, consider the shape, she said. Pizza was traditionally a very female thing. It's very round and cheesy and warm. And suddenly it's become pizza as a weapon, said Miss Davis. Creative Director of Brain Reserve, a New York-based marketing firm that specializes in consumer trends.

Also, someday everyone will have phones that are also computers. But are they saying a rectangle is like a dick is like a weapon? Not like women who are round and warm cheese. Yes. That is a profound and hugely wrong statement, obviously. It's like, I don't even know if it's sexist or not, because it's so hard to unpack. Well, I think we can all agree that people who identify as female

give off a certain warm, cheesy energy. Cheesy vibe, yeah. Whereas men who, people who identify as men, often give off this kind of rectangular kind of, why are they so big? Big rhombus energy over here. Pizza was traditionally a very female thing. It's very round and cheesy and warm. And suddenly it's become pizza as a weapon, said Miss Davis.

But why? Quote, because we're in the age of AIDS. We have to look for sensual pleasure that isn't sexual. She said, it's about anger. It's about rage. Consumers are really mad at all the rules they have to follow in the night. What is happening? Sue Cherbow, a spokeswoman for Little Caesars in Detroit,

seemed puzzled by that logic. Our only concern was to offer our customer a great value. We weren't even looking at it from the AIDS angle. Sue doesn't agree that people want to fuck the giant pizza. Sue can't get there with her. What? Justin, this isn't just a, this isn't a munch quad. This is, this is the greatest news article ever written.

This is the greatest interviewing ever, ever done. Saying, Michael Dresser, you fucking genius. Okay, thank you. Michael Dresser, by the way, in case you want to just thank Michael, Michael T. Dresser, excuse me. In case you want to thank Michael, he's retired now, but you can still thank him for his amazing work, which I'm not finished with.

What is the statute of limitations for a Pulitzer, by the way? Is it too late? That's a weird way of asking the question, but in this case, it does apply. Yes. In any case, Domino's competitors have no intention of trying to go at one bigger quote. We think it's the right size pizza

for what our customer is looking for. Rob Dowdy, a spokesman for at Pizza Hut headquarters in Wichita, Kansas said yesterday, quote, teenagers tend to travel in packs in groups. And usually they're a bit short of cash. Cash. So this is the kind of product they're looking for. Mr. McIntyre said he could not say whether the dominator

will be sold in the Baltimore market because the decision on whether to carry the product will be left to individual operators. Now, a spokeswoman at the regional office, Michael Dresser, putting in the work, the shoe leather. A spokeswoman at the regional office said she did not know whether Baltimore area franchises would be interested. I assure you, ma'am, they will be.

In any case, Mr. McIntyre said Domino's will be heavily promoting the dominator in a few months, quote, it's a big colossal humongous pizza. And we're looking at ads that will come across in a big colossal humongous way. Epilogue. Joseph Simone, president of Mama Ilardo's Corp, said his relatively small Owings Mills-based pizza chain

would not be intimidated by its big arrivals, nor will it be drawn into an effort at topping them, quote. You can't serve top quality ingredients in a product that size and not price yourself out of the market, he said. It's like the difference between making sauce for two people and making sauce for the fifth infantry. The end. I guess I've never thought of it that way.

Travis, just let it, just give it a moment, let it breathe. Just give it a moment. The end. Thank you, Michael Dresser. Thank you for this fantastic, fantastic piece. You really put literally tens of thousands of times the amount of effort this story required of you, and you put in the fucking work.

And thank you, I appreciate you, thank you. This is the best new story I've read, certainly in the best few weeks. I would like to think that after this was published, that Michael's boss said, like, okay, we're moving you to like cover homicide. Like, okay, yeah, right. I don't know if Michael Dresser is writing

about current sort of pandemic events, but I hope he does not apply the same level of frivolity to it. I'm sure he doesn't. I bet he matches the tone of the news he's writing. It is not like, holy smokes. It's the disease, like probably. My corona. He retired in December of 2018

as the state has correspondent for the Baltimore Sun. Hell, yes. Got out on top of it. Michael Dresser, you absolutely. I have a Yahoo here that was sent in by a few people. Thank you. It's Yahoo answers user Varsha who asks, and there may not be much meat on these bones,

but there's something here that really busted me up. Varsha asks, I cried more during the death of Optimus Prime than I cried during the Titanic. Is that okay? Updated two days ago. I didn't really care that much. Felt it was so stupid. Would have frozen with him.

Low. Updated again, two days ago. But every time I see Optimus Prime die in the cartoon especially, I don't care if I saw a Kevin Hart video prior. I lose all control. Anyone agree? Third update. How he stab Optimus Prime?

That like our father. That like our father. It's true. That's true and good, and I, you know, I like to cry, and I like to watch stuff that makes me cry. And Graze Anatomy when sad stuff happens on there. Graze is a perfect example, because I could watch 10 Kevin Hart videos before then,

and it would still. That's a lot Griffin. That's a lot of Kevin Hart videos. Yeah, no, I would need to go to Graze Anatomy Hospital, whatever it's called, to get them to sew up the stitches from the splits in my belly that I have from all watching 10 Kevin Hart videos in a row. But then I would cry at the sad drama,

because, you know, a bus would crash into the hospital or something. And it would cancel out all the Kevin Hart videos. Yeah. Can you remember? But isn't that important staying equalized? This really is important. I think feeling the full spectrum of human emotion is key. What in it?

Okay, listen, it's 2020 times they have a changed. And I would like to announce here my change.org petition to remake the James Cameron Titanic. And this time, as the iceberg is coming, the ship transforms to a big transformer. The iceberg turns into this is fucking just slow down. This is fucking cold. Yeah, this is cool.

It's not funny, but it's like, it's like, I feel like I'm at a fucking cool movie. Oh, this is it. Sorry, I moved away from comedy podcast to just like, I'm pitching my new movie. No, I know. We don't do like badass stuff on this podcast enough. So like, let's not do, don't do any more jokes, Travis.

Please tell me why. Actually, stop, stop, start at the beginning of the movie. Shot one. What are we looking at here? Do we get to know that the Titanic is a transformer before this happens or what? No, up to this point, we have no idea that the ship is a transformer. So it's basically the same movie right up until

the fateful collision that one dark cold night. Okay. Yes. But, and then it's like the, the ship transforms and you're like, what, what is that? But then the iceberg transforms too. And the iceberg is the Decepticon. Right.

So now they're fighting. Right. And meanwhile, Jack and Rose, who are together and spoiler alert, they're both live, they're inside of Titanic's head, right? Talking to him. And they're kind of the buddies, right? And they're working together. And then Voltron shows up and Voltron's there.

And they're like, Voltron. And he's like, yeah, I got to stop these Kaiju's. I don't like it anymore. Wait, it comes back around. It's not gonna come back around. And then what's that is the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Stop, it's not. It's done.

They were inside the car. The cars were inside Titanic's belly. Oh, hold on. I'm coming back. And they were like Titanic's baby. And then we have a long birthing scene where the... I'm describing. I'm not done.

I'm not done. I'm not done. Iceberg is a trained... Listen, I'm not done. Iceberg is a trained OBGYN. And enemies become friends when Iceberg the Decepticon helps deliver Titanic's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers babies. And let me get you with this, Travis.

If you don't mind, we can bring in the dyno aesthetic from that. And it can be called... And the Iceberg Decepticon can be called Gyno Bot. And he is a dinosaur. Yes, yes, yes. But he's gonna help open up the cargo bay, I guess, which would be like the, you know, the fallopian canal. It's been a while since I've rushed up on that stuff, but...

No, you nailed it. And then Voltron uses his Mighty Space Sword to cut the umbilical cord. I don't want Voltron there. We got... You can't cross. But he's a doula. I know Voltron's a trained doula, Travis. It's just, he would be so useful in this time, you know?

I know. He's a doula. He's a doula. I think that's cool. And then after that fight, wait, do they keep fighting after the birth? Yeah, once the Megazord is out. Right. Yeah.

Then they keep fighting. I assume Transformer wins. Okay. Yeah. And then do we see the ship continue its journey on for another couple hours until it docks in America safely? Yep. Yep.

All right. But then America turns into a Decepticon. No, stop. It already did. But that's how we set up the cliffhanger, Griffin, for Titanic too, Titanic. Is there more pork in, then, in the back half of the movie? Oh, yeah. Okay.

But yeah. There's a long scene where Titanic and Voltron very... That's not what I want. Sensuously make love. I don't like it. No, it's cool. Is there one where Voltron and Billy Zane... I want Voltron and Billy Zane to figure out how that would work even.

Oh, yeah. Well, that happens actually at the beginning of the... Sorry. There is now a new scene at the beginning of the movie where Billy Zane draws Voltron like one of his French girls. So then when it's referenced again later, now it's like, oh, you stole that from Billy Zane and Voltron. Yeah.

I would love it if we could get Kathy Bates to have some sort of private scene with a huge robot. That would be fucking rad, dude. Yeah, dude. This version of the movie is way better. Do you think that Voltron is the last one of the great roles that Kathy Bates has yet to play? Like, she's done so many of the great roles

and it feels like Voltron's kind of the last one. She could film that one. If my agent called me with your pitch, Travis, I would be the whole time, pretend I'm Kathy Bates, I'd be like, yes, yes. Loving it, loving it, loving it, yes, yes, yes, yes. I will play Voltron. Like, no, no, no, Kathy, you're actually a character in it.

Kathy Bates is in it as Kathy Bates. Like, no, absolutely not. I will play Kathy Bates. And then sort of in Norba style, I will also play the Voltron in it. I will be the Kathy Bates and the Voltron. Now, not piloting Voltron. You're saying Voltron is Kathy Bates.

It is a big, yeah, Kathy Bates. And we'll dress her up in like cardboard boxes. That's not our department. That's not our thing. The whole bit. The whole bit. I should mention, Jack doesn't survive once they get to America, but it's for completely unrelated reasons.

He falls coming off the ship like it did shit. Well, Griffin. Sorry. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, I don't want to spoil it. But he falls coming down the ramp and he slips, he falls and his whole head pops off. And everyone's like, what a fucking idiot.

Yep. Did you see that? He made it all this wet. God. And we put up signs that said, be careful. Slippery. Slippery, Wind Voltron. Yep.

That's the name of the movie. And it's episode. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We very much appreciate you. We hope you're hanging in there and doing all right, you know, all things considered. We are well, you know, all things considered. So we hope that you can find a way to be so, too.

Promotioning things, anything in the tank. Oh, this is less of a promotion and more of like a, may I call it by a guess, but DFTBA is, of course, a big building filled with people. And so they have been quarantined as well. And people have been sent home. They don't work. So products might be delayed reaching you.

If so, we're sorry. It's completely unexpected and how do you even plan for something like that? But yeah, we'll eventually get to you. We're sorry for any delays. But there's really not. I mean, thanks to John Rodgers in the long winters for these for a theme song.

It's at a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a great song and it's a great dude and a great maximum fun for having us on the network. They've got all kinds of wonderful shows on there and we're so excited to be a part of it. And yeah, let's wrap it. If you're bored, if you're bored,

we've been trying to put out more stuff on our YouTube channel to try to create something, anything for people to think about beyond just being stuck at home. So you can check that out, MacroFamily on YouTube. Yeah, let's wrap it up. I got a final one here.

This is a fun one. OK, good. This is one I'm going to send in. Also by Graham Roebuck. Thank you, Graham. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Well, it's WEWE, which I assume is just Wewe asks. Wewe.

Turtle pregnancy. How do they do it? My name is Justin Macro. I'm Travis Nakaroy. Like the shell can't get bigger. So where do they go? How do they even play it again? I'm Griffin Nakaroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org Comedy and Culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.