My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 507: Dirtiest Dancing: Havana Nights

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

If we’re gonna make it through this things, we’re gonna have to find genuine soul connections using Digital. And sometimes, we find Digital in the strangest of places, when we’re least expecting it. Suggested talking point: An Important Digital Communication, Delivery Heroism, Prankin’ Apple, Tooth Fairy Substitutions, Extremely Dirty Dancing, Mystery Squirt

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. And boys, you know, we're still kind of in the tough times. Oh really? Could turn around any minute. It could flip it in a minute. But right

now we're, oh by the way, Travis pointed out it's 420, so Blaze won for the big dog. What are you waiting for? Now let's move on. We're all hurting for communication, I think. We're all trying to reach out and touch souls while keeping our human bodies six feet apart. And that can be tough. And digital is helping a lot, I would say. Like, a lot of people are using digital to talk to each other and I think that that's important. And I just wanted to share with you all, this is hot off the presses. This came in about 24 minutes ago on my phone and this was a text I got from a West Virginia area code number. So I don't know who they are, but it's nice to know, you know, we have some of the same background.

We both love Tudor's biscuit world, you know? Like that's a soul connection right there. Go herd and like bleed green and like pepperoni rolls and like Jim Justice, right? So like, I know that we have that in common. And anyway, they texted me and it looks like 19 friends that also are in the 304 area code and have sequential phone numbers, which is a fucking wild coincidence, but I feel the soul connection with all of them. And they did say in this text message, and there is a link here, I haven't clicked on it yet. But the text message says, see my juicy cream pipe. And that says PUS dollar sign Y. And online, online now, and then there's a white mouse emoji and then a gray mouse face

emoji and then just a black hole mouse emoji. Now, are you certain that they're mice and not perhaps cats? No, these are these are mice for sure, Trav. These are these are little mice that like the kind they live in the walls, Trav. And so me and 19 friends, new friends, I would say, because a text from a stranger is just a friend you haven't made yet. And they do want us to come see the juicy cream pipe PUS dollar sign Y online now. Kind of like Kasha a little bit there. Yeah, it's putting a fun flare on it. And I have to say, I want to say real quick, I really appreciate them office skating the P word because my daughter could be reading this. Thank you so much for censoring that. Is there some kind of spam

sensor out there? But if they hadn't censored it, the phone would be like, oh, and wouldn't allow it through. Well, I got net and I did download net nanny on my iPhone. Keep protect yourself to protect myself and my chastity. So my favorite thing about this and the genuine real soul. So if I could step outside the bit, the real soul connection I feel is with one of these people, I do not know them. They do have a 304 area code number pretty close to mine. They went ahead and they disliked this text. Which makes me which fills me with joy as if whoever sent that first message is going to see that and be like, oh, man, I really thought they would like that one. I really thought they'd craft

it that just for them. I put in everything. I was going to do a funny bit where like I pretended to not know what some of the words in the text meant. Then you got to the emoji part and I was literally I was literally like lost. I was lost. Why the mice? Why the mice, I guess. It's like a Cinderella thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. These are the mice that stitch the crotchless panties. But see, you've introduced already a cat kind of imagery. Yeah, that's true. And then you introduce mice and I'm getting turned around. I do just want to say that and this will be the fourth of it. But if you do say cream pie on your podcast five times, then Apple deletes the whole show. So let's let's try and that's that's that worries me because

we usually drop one or two of that those words together like per episode tangentially not related to this beautiful piece of communication I got from a new kindred spirit. So have you thought about writing back Griffin? No, I didn't. I didn't think about that. Maybe I don't think it has to be committal. I think you could write back like I'm not interested in clicking the link. But how are you today? Text back like what's with the mouse? Like I understand you and your whole deal. But what's with the mouse emojis, though? I you know what, I'd like to talk about some digital communication, unprompted digital communication I received to because you're so right, Griffin. It's really important these times. I touched earlier on how some brands

are looking out for us. And I first off, let me just say a quick thank you to all the Justin McElroy's on earth that when you want to give someone a fake email address, you give them mine. I don't know how you keep doing it, but I really appreciate hearing from all the different Justin McElroy's all over. And I got I got an email from Smirna Chevrolet, which is somewhere I have no idea where not where I live in Smirna. I imagine I would assume it's near Smirna. New Smirna Beach, Florida. Okay, I got this email. And the subject line of the email is just this, our dealership is still open. So that's kind of a belligerent statement of purpose. Then right below it starts with this, rest assured, our dealership is open. And it says,

this is what they've gone with for an opener. Uncertainty is everywhere. We are certainly ready to assist you. Cool. So that is so interesting. That's badass. God, that makes me feel good. That really makes you feel like we're about to turn the corner on this whole fucking enterprise. Yeah, it's nice to have one foothold in the whole thing, you know, like, well, at least new Smirna Ford was there Chevrolet. It's a Chevy Travis. It's got a hymning. So you know that they're there for you. And here's a really exciting thing. If you've been waiting for the exact right time by vehicle and thinking that this is it, they got a first responder discount 30th. Yeah, it's really nice. It lists who it's

here for police, fire, EMTs, 911 and medical professionals. So that's cool. And dentists and optometrists and veterinarians. Okay. And exercise and massage techs and chiropractors and dietitians. Okay. So first responder dietitians, I have good news for you. If you're waiting for the right time to buy a great new Chevrolet vehicle, your moment has arrived. And thank you for your service. I love it when you burst into rooms and just like, someone's macros are off. It's an emergency. Someone's got to up their protein. I'm here. Someone needs their, someone needs their spinal line and I'm the one here to do it. First responder dietitians, thank you for everything you've done for us. Your bravery.

Let's, let's, let's help some people. I feel like the world needs us now more than ever. I recently started. We're kind of like first responders if you think about it. It says, and others, I bet if you roll in there and you're like, I, I'm a first responding entertainer. I'm still on the front lines of comedy and I would try to make jokes in this world. So I would like a discount on a brand new Chevrolet. Oh yeah. Of course. That sounds terrible. Here's a free Chevy. Here's a free Chevy for you. Thank you so much for coming in. You knew we were open. I did. I thank you for the email. I recently started working for a food delivery company where my

thank you for your actual service. Keeping our fuck, our actual republic functioning where my earnings depend on tips. Most customers ask that I leave the goods outside their door to avoid physical contact. Love this. I totally respect that, but it eliminates that moment of human connection that reminds them how I'm putting myself at risk so they can have a burrito. What can I text customers after delivery to remind them to tip me? That's from doing you a favor, TM. Oh yeah. I guess that probably clears up the mystery of which service we're talking about. Who is still getting food delivery and not tipping like a mortgage payment? Yeah, I've seen them out.

It seems like that should be customary. Have you seen the news reports of people switching their tips out at the last second after you said, oh come on, you monsters. Don't do that. But I do appreciate the text that says, hey, I dropped the stuff at your door, go get it before the carrion birds do. And I go outside and without fail, the carrion birds have gotten away with my egg rolls. Every time? Every time they just go for the egg rolls, they don't go for the Mongolian beef. They mostly focus on the egg rolls. Is it the spice level, do you think? Yes, they have very sensitive stomachs. And I appreciate the texting like, hey, go get them. But is there a version of that text that's

hey, go get them? And I'm really putting myself at risk. It looks like your house is covered in pathogens. What about this? What about you're waiting for your burrito to arrive? And then you hear, is that music? And you go outside and you open your front door and there is a masked figure standing in your driveway with a boombox above their head. And it's just playing, here's your food. It's time to eat. Here's your food. It's such a treat. And it's like, wow, that's a lot of service. I really appreciate that. I'm going to tip this person this fucking, do you realize we're in a world where like actual mass delivery people like come from the outlands to bring us supplies, except they're burritos? This is,

it's weird right now, I think. I think things are weird. You know what? You know what needs to make it come back? I've just decided based off of, you said hear music, Justin, and it got me thinking like an organ grinder is monkey, right? Okay. Cause you leave the burrito there, they open the door, there's a monkey. The monkey tips its little hat and maybe holds its hand out. You hand him a $10 bill and he scurries back up under the delivery person's shoulder, a good 12 feet away. The monkey can get so sick though, Trav. Well, yeah, I don't think monkeys are fairly cold blooded. And so I think they're actually pretty good transmission factors for disease. A monkey is not great. How about an organ grinder's robot?

There's a little Roomba there. And the Roomba tips his little hat and then vacuums your sidewalk back to the delivery person. That's good. And you don't even have to do it. You can just shatter a Roomba on their front porch. And when you leave their food there and you text them like, hey, my delivery Roomba died for, died for your duck fat fries. So just keep that in mind when you hit the old tip of Reno, huh? It is a, I have really been struggling lately with when I get, this is, this is taking it from the other perspective. When I do get a food delivery, I'm sitting in the room where almost always sitting in the room that has a clear line of vision to the front door. So I have really been struggling with what to do in that. I really,

I have alternated between like standing behind the door and just like nodding my approval, I guess, to actively hiding. That's another one, just like getting clear of sight lines. I worry that even though I do have the like leave on porch message there, I worry if I'm too close to the door that they'll want to do a handoff. And I don't want that for either of you. Yeah. This is a true thing that happened to me 100%. And it sounds, I know like a scary story, but it really happened. We ordered food and we left, you know, the instructions were leave food on porch. But, but I was taking the garbage cans around front at the exact time that they pulled up. So then I just stood in the driveway and said out loud, I'll just wait and let you

leave it on the porch. And I stood there. What was that going to do? Go over and get it or say, like, you stay there, let me go in the house and pretend like I wasn't out here. You wave at them and you say, Hey, I'm the neighbor and I'm stealing their garbage cans. And you walk back behind the house. The three of us are so bad at human contact. The three of us are so, so, so bad at human contact. How can we be fucking this up now of all times? This should be our time to shine. We should be thriving right now. I think it, you know what? I think I'm fucking it up because on some level, I just want to open the door and fucking chat. I would love to chat with you.

That is the fucking impulse that I am fighting in my head. You should see me at the grocery store as they're doing checkout. I'm not gonna stay any longer than I need to. And I'm not, I'm going to keep the line moving. Everybody here is taking a risk and I want to get everybody home safely. But while you're scanning those groceries, we are going to have a little talk, you know what I mean? I bet our nations check out, like clerks, checkout clerks are fucking done. Okay. I know. I know. I've heard all of your wonderful stories. Okay. Stop it. I'm done. I'm cashed. I, the other day during my, like, unfortunate but necessary shopping trip said the phrase, this is a pretty cool plexiglass shield, huh? When they put that in.

Oh, that's true. I just needed to communicate to a human being that wasn't in my house. Did you catch survivor last night? I have a Yahoo here that was sent in by the prospector, Merritt Palmer. It is from an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to say their name is Gerald Me. It's like Jeremy and Gerald, but they fused like in Dragon Ball Z. Oh, I thought it was like a catchphrase where you'd say like Gerald Me. Oh, Gerald Me asks. Hit me with that, Gerald. I prank called Apple and Microsoft. Will they ever answer my calls again for when I really need them? Additional details, any non-serious answers will be reported for Jay, for Jay Perry. And that's actually, there's a drop down there.

And you can click, there's this one's too, this one's, they're cutting up too much in this one. Please keep them on. I'm going to change my Twitter bio to that. Any non-serious answers will be reported. If I ask a question on Twitter and give me a non-serious answer, you will be reported. That's pretty good. So I did, I prank called Apple and Microsoft. It was very, very funny. I called them and said that, you know, my phone started to cuss at my parents in the middle of the night or something funny like that. Yeah. And then, but now, but now my phone has started to get very, very hot and it's only getting hotter. And I don't think they're going to take my calls. Is that a concern?

Well, it's especially bad if you're like, oh yeah, my phone started farting all the time. And then your phone does start farting all the time. Sure. Oh, because there's no way there's in your the, you know, the person who cried fart. And no one's ever gonna believe that. Wouldn't be surprised if that did start happening with all of these crapple devices, Android for life. I love them. I love this little guy and I can play all my emulators on them. I am worried that Apple and Microsoft are gonna take my calls. Well, especially when you're just calling to chat, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's the bigger concern at this point is I'll call Microsoft and be like, oh,

hey, Clippy died. And then they'll be like, oh, this again, I'll be like, yeah, I know, I called you yesterday to talk about survivor, but Clippy is dead and I need to download him again. So where does he come from? Where did where did I get Clippy first? And can I visit that website a second time? This is why we need Bonsie Buddy more than ever to try to fill that gap, but he's nowhere to be found. I'd love to talk to Bonsie Buddy right now. I miss Clippy. We're our nation's chat robots during this time. Thank you. Could you chat with people on online somewhere? Like, is there not chat online? But you know, I know people are doing that. They'll get me wrong. But people who wear, if you go to chatroom.com. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is all. Oh,

this is, oh, this is very NSFW. Oh boy. I just thought I threw that address out there. Is it bad? Hold on. Let me look. My computer stopped responding. Oh boy. I just bought a silencer for a rifle. I don't even know how I did that. Don't go to that website. I don't know what just happened, but it was bad. What is this podcast? Yes. Travis, I said no, but it says that attackers might be trying to steal my information. Oh, don't go to that website. I know I have to get in. You have to get out. I have Justin. You know what? I'm going to take the risk. Let's go in. Oh, no. I'm being pulled into the screen. Now he's in a reboot situation. Captain in the Game Master. My brother is Captain in. It is me, the real Travis. I don't think it is. Can we just stick

to one fucking topic? This is feeling loosey-goosey this episode. I like it. Microsoft and Apple won't take their calls because they did too many prank calls. Yeah. Microsoft and Apple are my friends. I'm trying to pretend to be computer brother. No, we did that one. But I feel like we didn't live in it long enough. How are we going to get the next big thing? Do you guys ever have prank calls that had real-world repercussions that you didn't expect? I've never prank called anyone in my entire life. Come on. I would be so nervous. I have a very distinctive voice, Justin. Sure. Everybody recognizes you from podcasts. Right. I mean, but I've never done it. I've always been, let's put the tiger on the table and yell at it, a scared little dork. I was too

scared to do you. I was afraid I would call and they would say, I'm an adult and you're a kid and now I'm mad at you and I would just have to live in that moment forever. All the dorms at Marshall had landlines back when I was in college and they all had some variety. You could guess the numbers because they're all very small variations on each other. So we would call dorms and do, this is not particularly funny, but we would do radio calling contests and have them do trivia and stuff like that and guess the thing and they get a prize. For some reason, some people got really upset about it and started putting signs up in the dorm warning people, if you get a call from Rod and Todd in the mornings,

they are not real DJs and you should not disclose any personal information to them. And I never wanted it to go that far, ever, never. That's not what Rod and Todd are about. Honestly, it's supposed to be a fun time for your morning commute. It wasn't about fishing for information. Thank you. One time I prank called Daniel Whitney. He's a comedian and I called him and like my thing back then was I did this character where I'd be like, I'd talk like this, hey, and then I would say sometimes like, I would say something offensive and then I would be like, get her done and he stole it and started to call himself Larry the cable guy. Guys, that could have been me,

but I called him and did the get her done thing and he just fucking stole it. And now he's, he's Larry the cable guy and he's in cars one, two and three. So I could have been you Griffin. It could have been me sliding doors. His real name is Daniel Whitney. Awesome. Hey, let's all go to Larry the cable guy's great stand up comedy sets and just yell like, that was a good one, Daniel. Great joke, Danny. Take off the grease paint and show us your real face. If anybody's still doing sets right now, it's like a cable guy. I wonder what he is up to. I'm gonna check on whatever he's doing. Any like zoom sets, you know, like buy ticket and you can watch. I bet his background game is fucking on point.

So funny. It looks like he's in the news four days ago on how the current comedy landscape quote sucks. Second quote, grow a set and get over it. So I think he's probably doing all right. He's doing it. The very first, the very first line on his webpage is Larry the cable guy is back to get her done. So apparently he stopped doing that one for a while and he's like dip back in. I can't wait. Do you think that they'll put on his tombstone like got her done? He'll never die. My seven year old son lost a tooth at the beginning of quarantine and the tooth fairy had his seven dollars ready to go and waiting. He gets his age in dollars per tooth. Nice. Now when he loses a tooth at 35 cash. A week into quarantine, he lost another tooth. I had no cash and wanted

to stay at home. I reused the same seven dollars for tooth number two. Now he has another seriously loose tooth. I feel like if I use the same seven dollars for a third time, he may notice that the piggy bank, which is partially transparent and open top cup that used to house cotton candy, is not getting any fuller. Do I tell him the tooth fairy is social distancing and Graham and I owe you for the fairy? Just tell him the truth and tell my own $14 at a later date? No. Is there a third option that's from tooth fairy troubles in Tennessee? Hey Toby, Toby, you got Venmo, little Toby. It's me. It's me, the tooth fairy. You got Venmo. Could you set up a barter system where the tooth fairy leaves a note that says, hey, banks are closed. Wasn't able to get

seven dollars, but here is an unopened Blu-ray copy of the hot girl. The retail value of which is seven dollars. I assure you. I thought you were going deeper. I thought we were doing like seven dollars in like beads and shells. I'll just take it all the way back. I got some shiny rocks from the garden. There's also a version of this where you say, oh, sure, I could give you seven dollars or I could give you $20 of what I'm calling mommy's grip and this is, you can exchange this for all kinds of things in the company store. We got a mug. We got pencil. Could you talk the sun into the idea that if he can just keep it in his head for a few more months, he'll hit eight and that's an investment in his future. It's basically giving

away money to let the tooth come out right now, put some super glue in there, keep that bad boy cooking for a little bit while longer. You could convince them to wager seven dollars in a rigged carnival game of your creation. Nice. You're saying that the tooth fairy says you can have your buddy now, but you can keep the juice going. Yeah, for a little bit. Yeah, try and knock over a few points on it. Try and knock over this bowling pin with this baseball. Oh, you didn't do it. Shit. Well, maybe next tooth. Now, do you have a friend, this is me talking to the sun, do you have a friend with a loose tooth? Because if you can get that loose tooth, now that's when you're making the real money, right? And then if you can get that friend to

collect someone else's loose tooth, now we're talking. I'm doing like a multi-level tooth fairy marketing kind of thing. Is that anything? I think tooth transaction in these challenging times is pretty high up on the list of things not to do. I think I've seen that around. Okay, what about this? The kid's seven, right? Just leave a credit card under their pillow. They're not going to be able to do anything with it, but they're going to feel like they just got a lot of money, right? That's true. Yeah, it could be even like one of those fake credit cards that they put in letters to like trick you into opening it. Yeah. They don't know. Dumb R. Fuck it. Fucking dumb R people. Hey, everybody. Hey, don't throw that away. There's a card in there.

That looks like the one I used to buy with using money on it. That's your thrown away money. It's a card. Now, the tooth fairy left a note here, son, and it says that the tooth fairy didn't have seven dollars to give you, but the tooth fairy has opened up a line of credit in your name. And when you hit 18 and your credit age is over 11 years, you are going to be so grateful. That's good. You could also be like, yeah, oh, wow, the tooth fairy left a little note here saying that they named a star after you. It's that one. It's that one up there. Says this tooth was no good. Didn't count. Yeah. Oh gosh, it says here your room was too dirty. They couldn't find a path to your pillow.

Yeah, weird, man. Eventually, they're going to give them back the seven dollars they stole for tooth one, yes? Yeah, you have to imagine. I think the way to go is the tooth fairy's social distancing. They told me that they will return when everything is like, you can't go to the store right now anyways, right? Maybe don't take that attitude. Hey, what do you need this money for? I think that's great, Trav. It's a good thing right now to tell your seven-year-old kid that things are so scary and terrible that magic is dead. I think that that's, yeah, absolutely. No, magic is not dead. Magic is being safe, Justin, as we all should be. Sure, yeah, absolutely. Because the opposite side of that is you say,

well, the tooth fairy came and gave you seven dollars, but because the tooth fairy wasn't practicing good social distancing, they got sick. We don't know. You could also just say, hey, all dentists are closed. The tooth fairy is busy. There's just one of them. They don't have Santa magic, so like, it takes them a bit. Maybe this is a good opportunity when your son does notice the money is missing, because they will. Maybe it's a good opportunity to ask him about this fucking shitty Fort Knox that he's constructed to keep his cash safe. Are you kidding me? A cut up cotton candy container? You're seven. That's job. He's seven, but like, if you're going to give someone money,

they should at least have something better to put it in than like just like an old hole. Oh, this is like a see-through container. Oh, don't misunderstand. This is begging to be robbed. Justin, I was saying that six is an appropriate age for like an old cotton candy. Seven in wall safe. What do you do with it? It's possible that this is one of a series of dead drops that they have all throughout the neighborhood. That's where you keep the daily cash, but you deposit it every night in a safe location. So you keep some cash on hand in case you need to do any like day-to-day transactions, but the real nest egg, well, you'll never find that, mother. My kids have a perfect system. They store all their change in a

giant pink crayon that is the loudest, heaviest, worst thing on earth. And it's a perfect way to keep it safe for me because if I look at the crayon, I get so angry, I want to put my head through a plate glass window. Yeah. So it's a perfect system. That baby has a similar. She has a big soda bottle. And the idea of ever trying to fish out anything from it. Yeah. I save it. Yes, it's perfect. Speaking of saving our pennies and scraping together what meager earnings we can, let's take a brief break and head on over to the Money Zone. Hey, you've got to do stamps and you've got to do mail. Mail is still the big one. And if you want to avoid the crowds by skipping the post office, you can do everything that you do at the post

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to come out of box and breathe the warm sunshine air, but you mustn't, my stamps. Stay safe. Stay safe. Stay safe in your home. No one must know about my stamps. The time has almost come for us to rise to power my stamps, but not now. For now, stay safe. Listen, you've tried round space. Now, try square space. Round space made shitty websites. Square space makes good websites. The decision is clear. Square space will showcase your work, sell products and services of all kind, promote your physical or online business, and more. Circle space, round space, only does and more. It won't do any of the rest of that stuff. Square space gives you beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers, everything optimized for mobile right out of the

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the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history. Well, lately we do a lot of modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster, but it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday. Right here on maximumfund.org as we bring you Sawbones, a medial tour of misguided medicine, and remember, don't drill a hole in your head. Y'all want a second, Yahoo? Absolutely. Okay, this is usually, this is the longest we've gone without a segment, and so I was getting kind of nervous. This one is sent in by Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma. It's Yahoo Answers user Ray who asks, why is it every time I binge Godfather one, two, three, I come out acting more serious,

like the Godfather himself. Oh boy, tell me about it. That's why I feel anytime I watch any movie, you know? No, I don't know Travis. I come out like the Godfather. Oh, okay. Any movie, huh? Any movie. I watched Follow That Bird, the Sesame Street movie, came out like, oh, forget about it. That was cool. I watched Do Little, I came out like, oh, the day my daughter's wedding, forget about it. That's cool. We're doing good impressions of Godfather. Yeah. Justin, do you know one about the offer? Okay. Oh, that's not bad. Okay, now Griffin, guys, I didn't know I had one. I opened my mouth. I opened my mouth. I'm unsure of what would emerge. It's very good. I'll never have that back again. It's just a little bit of one. It's not much of one,

but there was a little bit of something in there. I think it was because we weren't expecting it, that it sounded like a lot of one. Everybody save your files real quick. Does everybody download and save the files real quick? Maybe we all, I gotta check, Juice, if it's hereditary. I made him an offer. I made him an offer. I made him an offer. I made him an offer. I made him an offer. Yeah, we've all got it. I wonder if that came from mom or dad, this gene that we all have. I made him an offer. No, that's, that's Cartman. That's what I was doing. Let me try it again. Let me take a drink of water. Hold on. Trying to refuse this offer, you can't. It's too good.

I offered him, I offered him something and he liked it. He said, yeah, that's a good offer. I included this question mostly because of the picture it paints of the type of person this is, who sees Godfather one, two, and three, and then has to comment on, oh boy, I really feel more like the Godfather. What a badass. No, it's just a serious, like, not like a badass, like you walk out and you're like, I guess I should take care of my bills. That's what the Godfather would do. Yeah. I feel more responsible. You walk out of the theater like, oh man, my shoes are really dirty. How long have my shoes been dirty? I'm going to clean those post haste. Are you all susceptible to movie,

to movie like personality shifts? Because I am, I have, I'm remembering distinctly when I went and I did see Drive and then I got out of Drive and I got out on the highway and the needle hit that speed limit and then I was like, but then I was like, Drive? And I went just a little bit over and I felt guilty about it for like six weeks. That's, I remember when I went and I saw Dirty Dancing Havana Knights. Here he goes. And I was like, up till then, you know, my very religious parents had always like, tried to keep me dancing pretty clean, you know, with Room for the Holy Ghost and... Katie Barthador. And in the daytime in Havana.

And in the daytime too. They said, you can dance in Havana, but only during the daytime and with Room for the Holy Ghost. And I said, no, no, no, no one puts Travis in a corner and tonight I'm going to dirty dance at night in Havana. And they said, okay, well, I guess that's fine. You're 36. So I just, oh, by the way, I just saw it like last week. Yeah. You just watched, of your own volition, the film, Dirty Dancing Havana Knights. Well, I was the only person to watch it probably for the last four years. Well, I just seen Dirty Dancing for the first time and I said, I have to see what happens next. The saga continue. Yeah, I have to know what happens to these characters that I love so much.

Oh, they go to Havana. That sounds intriguing. You all may have read in the newspapers about how Travis Diggie arrested in Havana for going to a nightclub and dancing while spreading his butt cheeks wide, wide open and people kept yelling too dirty. And they kept saying six feet, six feet. And I thought they meant how wide I needed to spread my butt cheeks. He got Travis got hurt. Travis got hurt. Got hurt real bad. Got hurt real bad. I was, I was laid up in a Havana hospital for a while while they sewed my body back together. I done ripped myself in half starting the butt cheeks, which to be fair, I've said before would be the place to do it because

that's the natural perforation. Yeah, but sure. But now he can fly like a Dumbo Boy down there. That is true. That is true. You know, do you guys hear about Vampire Pizza? No. No. I just want to say thank you. This is good. This is not a much squad because it's too good. I just kind of wanted to kind of put it out in the world. Thank you to Mel and Eric for reporting on this. This is an LA thing. And basically Vampire Pizza is this pizza restaurant that's run by vampires and you order a pizza and when they bring you the pizza and maybe a salad, they also bring an immersive alternate reality game about a vampire family owning a pizza restaurant

that you have to involve yourself in and solve. It doesn't make you mad. I would love to do that. I would love to get into Vampire Pizza. I just want to let you guys know that Vampire Pizza was happening out there. There's still artists, both pizza and more traditional media working out there to bring joy. And I want to thank Vampire Pizza for existing and thank you to Mel and thank you to Mel and Eric for the report. And with that out of the way. Oh boy. I want to munch. I want to munch. I want to munch. I want to munch. I want to munch. Welcome to Munch Squad Retro.

I could almost pinpoint the inspiration for that and I could. No, it was a pastiche. It was a pastiche. Oh boy. She's so mad. It's a pastiche. Pastiche. Okay. With brand innovation at an all time low, I asked you folks to find your finest munch squads from the olden days. Press releases from back the before times, way, way back. Last time we took

you to the amazing world of 1993. And this. By the way, you could send this to Justin at mbmbam.com. Just put like throwback munch squad in the subject. But bring the heat or you will be mercilessly munched. So thank you to Nate, who did in fact bring the heat with this fine story. Heinz's easy squirt adds a little quote mystery to its colored condiment. Oh. You won't know until you squirt. Oh, what an unpleasant combination of thoughts and words. It's just so fucking. Okay. So 90s kids are going to love this one because they remember.

But for a while, Heinz was making ketchup in a lot of buck wild colors and it still tasted like ketchup, but it's all the colors were wild. And this was an evolution of that in February of 2002. Ah, so let's see. Oh, Travis was looking forward to graduating high school. He was. Yeah. We're five months out from 9 11. Finally, the nation is ready to heal with Heinz easy squirt. Heinz has a great condiment caper on their hands. Can color condiment crazed kids help solve the mystery? Heinz revealed today it's new product for kids. Heinz easy squirt mystery color. Three new colors of the condiment will hit grocery shelves nationwide in late April, but children and parents won't have a clue what's inside the easy squirt bottles until they squirt

or draw with it on their favorite foods. The new colors are passion pink, awesome orange and totally teal. Okay. Fine. You don't understand children. If you think there's any chance they want to be surprised by what color is now on their hot dogs. It's all the same flavor. It's all the same flavor. High quote. Here's a quote from Brian Hansberry. Heinz is introducing three new colors that kids can mix and match to triple their fun at family meals. So just so I'm clear, I'm now keeping three bottles of ketchup that I've had to hand label because it's a mystery what color these are so my kids can make ketchup art. This is how this is okay. Thanks to its cool curves and thin nozzle, easy squirt gives kids the opportunity to be artists at the table,

expressing their creativity by drawing with bright colors. Brian, you haven't met my terrible children. What have you done? Families that buy two or more bottles may find they have different colors, allowing pint-sized Picasso's to blend one mystery color with another. They're all ketchup still. They're all ketchup. They'll also enjoy the same benefits consumers have come to expect from the popular kid condiment. You mean ketchup flavor, I guess. Yeah, Justin, red ketchup flavor. Wait a minute. It's different now. This is good. Heinz, easy squirt, mystery color boasts a special nozzle for accuracy and an ergonomic shape designed so smaller hands can hold on tight, allowing them to create mealtime masterpieces. This is the best. And for little fries who want no

surprise, try regular Heinz tomato ketchup. You can't handle it. You stick with red. Your dumb ass kids can't chill with this amazing ketchup. I'm betting that's most kids. Yeah, only one million bottles of Heinz easy squirt, mystery color are being produced. When they're gone, they're gone. Super sleuths will need to emerge from the shadows quickly to nab Bob before the trail grows cold and easy skirt, mystery colors disappear forever. Also, we should mention Heinz has murdered someone, so we're going to need you to solve that as well. Thank you. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, I got to tell you, Johnny is failing all of his classes and us at school are really worried about it. Listen, he's really wrapped up in this Heinz

mystery. It's really soaking up all of his free time. No, you don't know. It's so it's a worldwide conspiracy at this point. He's been undercover at the giant eagle for three months now. Heinz is most recent. It's saying how fast these are going to sell. Heinz is most recent condiment coups, coups, condiment coups, blast and grain and funky purple easy squirt. Yeah. Like food products. I remember those. We have they gripped the imaginations of children. They like, Mom, I'm listening. I want to go to school. I can't stop thinking about Hey, just one more time. Can I see it one more time? Just one more time. I'd love to go outside and play pretend with Vicky and Brian and all the gang. But my imagination is gripped by the

funky purple easy squirt. Think about all the things I could do with this green ketchup. I could put it on a hot dog with French fry. Anything. I've spoiled all the dang food in the fridge again. What with my constant opening to peer at these beautiful catch ups. It is. It is bonkers to me because I was just sitting here thinking, Oh, yeah, there was a time when I couldn't squirt ketchup out of a bottle. Huh? Yeah. As always, Heinz is looking for feedback from its number one consumer kids. Kids are encouraged to log on to www.easysquirt.com. Oh, no. Oh, no. First and get candid about the new colors. Now, there's another line here from Justin McElroy, April 2020. Kids are discouraged from logging on

to www.easysquirtatanything.anything. Anything with the word squirt in it, kids. Just a easy squirt. This is not what I expected. We're not going to know. No one should be going to this website. Here's the thing. Heinz let it go. Okay. I don't know why, but Heinz didn't renew the lease on that particular URL. Do you think they're looking there in the market for a new verb to describe how to get the fluid out of their bottle? Do you think they've been shopping around some? Yeah, dude, it just splooches, right? No, not that one. Dang it. Which Mr. Color will write the next chapter of Easy Squirt History? Will young food artists create passion pink penguins waddling across their hamburgers?

What? Will they sketch awesome orange orangutans clambering across their french fries or outline totally teal turtles napping on their hot dogs? Hey, thanks for the fucking creativity prompts. Press release about colorful ketchup. My kids really appreciate it. I'll also say this. Granted, Beebe's not even four yet, but I can't imagine her being like, I'd love to eat this hot dog, but first, I'm going to draw an orangutan on it with ketchup. Yeah, my kid made a cat out of a Diet Dr. Pepper box and a Cool Whip container named Trash Cat, and it's been sitting in our mantle for six months. So I shudder to think, shudder to think what the fate would be of a hot dog that received a lot of creative attention. It's terrifying to consider. How about another question?

Here's another question. I live in the Midwest and my state has a very big state fair every year that I've gone to ever since it was a kid. I recently found out my state fair has a husband calling contest, which is basically a contest where wives compete to see who can call their husband in for supper the best, like if they were on a farm. I think, yeah, got it. I think that it'd be fun to participate in this contest, but unfortunately, I don't have a husband. I really want to yell at my fake husband for prize money. Is it ethical for me to enter this contest? And if so, how would I do it? Ethical is a funny word to use there. Yeah. It's ethical. Sure. It's a, yeah. You're not lying about a law degree. Let's talk about this contest. This is from a husbandless,

hopeful in Iowa. If it's just that they, if it's just wives allowed to call their farm husbands to supper, I think that it would be good to do an ethical to the contest. I think, you know what I mean? If it's, I would argue that if you entered the contest without a husband and yelled so good that your future husband showed up, you automatically win. Like you yell and someone walks up and it's like, I heard the call and I had to come. Hi, I'm Jerry, right? And it's like, wow. Wow. That's a win, right? So good. I have just some samplings. I've been, I found an Iowa PBS report about a similar contest, perhaps it is this one. Who knows? And I just wanted to, if you guys want to get an idea of

for what we're talking about, I'll play that clip for you now. Please be silent. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, hurry up. I don't want to be late. I don't want to be late to the great Iowa State Fair. Bob, hurry, hurry. Bob, Robert Dean. That's cool. That was not at all what I was accepting. So it's, do you have to yell, Bob? Everybody yells, Bob. Everybody's married to, it sounds like Robert Dean. It just seems to me like you could win by just being like, hey, and then be like, oh, be right there. And you're like, that's how good I yell. That's how good I yell. I don't have to do, or just walk up onto the stage and hold on to your temples and close your eyes and then have a paid professional walk onto the stage. Like,

did you call me? And you'd be like, money, please. Prize money now. Give it to me. I've won. Checking back in. Here's our fourth place winner. That's strong. That was strong. That's powerful. That's a powerful, that's a powerful call. Is the husband's name in that scenario King? I think it was Keith. Keith. Okay. It did sound like she was just yelling King, King. The clock says dinner. Do you think she decided to do a cuckoo thing like halfway through? Like, I want to dip into this. She just, the motivation hit and she was like, you know what? This wasn't the direction I was

going to go, but, and you know what? Here's the sad thing. She probably could have gotten third if she had just stuck with her. I think the judges probably saw that flip flop in the middle and they're like, nope. No husband's coming to that. No husband will arrive for that. Here's our first place winner. Just last one. I'm going to dip on you guys. Here we go. Roy? Roy! Can you hear me? You get yourself in here right now. Come on. You know you're going to be late again and you know that I want to get there on time. Roy! Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy! No. Roy! Fuck yes. That's, that's, don't even enter. Oh my god. If that's the heat you have to go up against, unless you are going to come correct, do not enter. Is that really the thing that any human

being ever is doing on a regular basis to call to another living human being ever? Travis, farms are big. Farms are so big. Farms are big, Travis. I know, but I'm saying, I like the soft Roy's that definitely won't get Roy inside. It began with some quiet Roy's that you knew weren't going to work on me. So I feel like it's a little bit of a honeypot situation. So I didn't appreciate that, but overall great calling. Well, I like, I hope you 100,000 dollars. I like the subtle Roy, because a subtle Roy is good if it turns out you just didn't see him in the periphery and Roy is like three feet to your left, right? And you're like, Roy? And Roy's like, I'm right here. And you're like, oh thank god. Okay, but because if you started off with a powerful Roy and then you have subtle

Roy standing next to you and he's like, that was too powerful. You could have been subtle. I'm right here. Right. Okay, that's fair. Do you think there's people listening to this podcast who just got ASMR for the first time and they're like, ah, damn it. That's why I want that now. And it's so scarce. It's such a scarce resource. There's not a positive calling to go around. Thank you all so much for listening to our program. We hope you've enjoyed yourself, and I hope you're hanging in there pretty much as we while away the days and work together as a planet to try to battle back the unpleasantness. We are still doing this podcast and a lot of others. Now would be a perfect time to dip into the McElroy back catalog. If you head on over

to McElroy.family, you'll find a bevy of entertainment products for you to enjoy. There's wonderful, a show about things that bring Griffin and his wife Rachel a lot of joy. You'll find shmanners about a show about etiquette in all kinds of different varieties. There's the adventure zone is our actual play role-playing podcast. My wife and I is a physician, does a medical history podcast called Saw Bones. There's a fucking show about cereal on there called the empty bowl. There's so much for you to go and absorb and enjoy. And we would hope that you'll do that. But if all that sounds like garbage, go to the McElroy family YouTube account and maybe dig around there. There's lots of videos at least. There's so many options. Hey, thank you to John Rodrick

in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song It's a Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Thanks to Max Fun for having us on the network. Amazing shows on there as well at maximumfun.org. And hey, do you all want to final Yahoo? I love that, Griffin. Yes, please. Okay, this one was sent in by the prospector, Mary Palmer. Thank you. It's Yahoo Answers user Beverly who asks, how to just make the lasagna sauce? Why are you just a McElroy? I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my brother. May kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.