My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 509: The Grind Butler (Or: Grutler)

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

At some point in all our lives, it’s happened to all of us: You’re enjoying a nice grind, but gosh! Where are you supposed to put your pocket-based belongings? Introducing: Grutler. (TM TM TM.)Suggested talking points: A Sampler Platter of Failed Introductions, The Music of the City, The American Fanny, Ice Cream Transgressions, Grandmummy

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to another of my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middle-est brother, Travis, of McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin, and we're doing it. This is the recording, we're doing it. I have something, an update of sorts.

She's already the fastest woman alive, fastest person alive, frankly. Fastest being, I don't know, I think a cheetah is probably, but Britney Spears, as we have established, is the fastest human being alive. I'm leaning into it a little bit for my taste, but okay. Since she established it, she has been using it to save people from dangerous situations. Just yesterday, I was doing a live stream from her home, from her home gym, and just casually, casually mentioned, I haven't been in my home gym for about six months because it burned down. There were two candles in there, and yeah, one thing led to another. Yeah, you're really deep in the Britney verse, Trav. I really wasn't.

I was not expecting to return here on this show, because typically, whenever something funny or goofy or zany happens in the world, we'll wring the juice out of it, and then we'll move on. I didn't expect you to get off at Britney Station and spend some time holidaying there. You know, Griffin, a lot of people during this time, the last few months, have found a lot of new hobbies. For some people, they've taken up the ukulele, or perhaps knitting, and for me, it's a fascination with Miss Spears. So Britney's doing okay. Sounds like she's hanging in there. Well, she rebuilt her home gym, I assume, with her own two hands. She actually built it better than Bob Vila and faster than Bob Vila.

Well, it's kind of like in The Batman, The Batman Begins. It's like in Batman Begins, he said, beginning a sentence that I cannot wait to hear all the various clauses of... At first, Bruce Wayne's like, I want to tear it down way, man, or I hate it here. And then Razo Agul burns it down much like two candles burned down Britney Spears' home gym. And then she was like, you know what, I'm going to rebuild it brick by brick. And then she also put a Batcave in the basement, I assume. It's just, what have we turned... This is one of those moments where it sinks in like, damn, shit's different. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. This is what it took... Hold on. This is what

it took for that to sink in, Griffin, me covering Britney Spears for a second time out of 509 episodes? It's not. I think it's just doing sort of news. You know what I mean? Like touching the headlines. It's touching the vein of just like, here's a thing that's happening right now. Usually, when we do the intro, it's most of the time something like, hey, everyone, this movie's coming out. And that's funny because we don't actually... Like we're too cool to care about it. And people laugh because they're like, they're talking about Avengers, but they're too cool to care about that nerd shit. And or sometimes it'll be like one of us has turned into another character or another creature. And hearing you talk about this Britney stuff that you saw

online, it feels... I don't know. It just feels different, man. It feels like you've changed, man. Maybe this is going to be like my model trains, you know? Like that thing of like, oh, I never thought Travis would get into painting toy soldiers or whatever. You know what I mean? This is my thing. I'm going to have a room in the attic that the kids aren't allowed to touch. And it's where I keep my Britney Spears conspiracy wall. I was hoping to spin... I had it penciled in this week's intro to talk about the theatrical release of Scoob. And I did. And I, of course, have been denied that. Good news. Damn, I would have loved to hear that one, Juice. I know. I had it penciled in. Remember to talk about Scoob. Can we start

over at Scoob Watch? Can you include it? Here's the headline with new role exemption, Scoob assured Oscar eligibility. That is a relief for me. So Scoob's coming May 15th. That should fix it. A good cast for that, though. I don't know what it is. Scoob. Okay. I mean, I'm guessing it has to do with the Scooby-Doo. Yeah, it's Scooby-Doo before, in the before times. It's, or every, there's a thing I love in trailers where they're like, every hero has a story and every story has a beginning and this is our beginning and it's Scoob. And it's when they first fell in love with Shaggy and Scooby. Shaggy, what? When Shaggy and Scooby fell in love? No, it's when Shaggy and Scooby, yes, when Shaggy and Scooby fell in love.

Now, don't confuse this with Scooby-Doo, The Mystery Begins. Okay. Which is a 2009 flick starring Robbie Amell as Fred, Nick Pilata as Shaggy. And of course, because he's legally bound to Frank Welker as the boys of Scooby-Doo. That is a different, that is an origin story, but it's a live action one. Oh, and this is animated? It's been 10 years. It's time for a reboot. So I was thinking for my failed introduction that I would do something like talking about, you know, all the drama in the Royal Family without actually knowing what that is all about. Oh boy. Do you want me to try or? Yeah, take a shot. I could try, but do you guys think two bad introductions is enough for what episode or should we try and get the hat trick for me talking

about the Royal Family? There's three of us. It seems insane to stop now. Okay. Yeah, I guess there's something going on over there. They all, I guess one of them, Harry. I want to say Harry and his spouse, they have left. They have dipped out of the family. They said, no, thanks. We're tired of it. And the Queen, who is quite old. How old is she? She's Trav 60. Easy. She can't believe it is what I've been hearing. And a lot of the impression of her not believing it. That feels like it may be pushing it because I don't even actually know how many people over there feel like protective. Like that's my, that's my Queen. Don't do an old voice for her. And you could do like a cool hip voice then. I mean, it didn't have to be inaccurate.

Okay, you're doing what, Harry? Oh, mailed it. This is an embarrassing true story. We were watching Greatest Showman recently for the first time because it's embarrassing. Is this going to be a fourth bad? No, it's tied to the Queen thing. Okay, okay, okay. It's tied to the Queen thing. We're watching the Greatest Showman and there's this scene where they go to visit the Queen and perform in front of the Queen. I was watching this and I was looking at her and I said, she's young, right? In this movie. And I said, you know, it's crazy to think that she's still a Queen. How, Justin? It is a different, that film is set in the 1850s. So that is, that would be quite a thing. And so it is, I mean, it would be weird to think that she's still the Queen, huh? And then

Sidney was like, are you fucking, are you, are you fucking, and I had to do a classic move of like, wow, you didn't get my creature, my cool joke I did. Go blame me, you didn't get that one, huh? Oh, bollocks. Apple's pears. Oh boy. Yeah, I was embarrassed about that. This would, this would be quite the reveal if she finds out that it was not in fact a cool joke she didn't get, but in fact, the fact that I'm an idiot. It is crazy to think that she's still the Queen Victoria. Is it 160 years old and still the Queen? Still kicking it. Still kicking it, still rocking the castle. Oh boy. So this is an advice show as you've certainly guessed at this point. We have to do an introduction. At some point we signed a contract with Jesse Thorne

that said we would do an introduction. What's next episode? Can we just try just fucking chart, like bull rushing that shit and get like getting right into like no introduction just to see how that feels. Just to see how that does. That's scary just to think about it. Okay. There's no table setting though. How people get into the vibe. That feels like a plane doing like a vertical liftoff. One of my roommates recently broke up with their partner a month into quarantine. They're understandably lonely and sad and need a lot of support. This afternoon, they asked if they could take a nap in my bed just to have some company. So I said, sure, it's now 830 and I'm starting to look towards bedtime, but my roommate is still snoozing.

Do I wake them up? How do I wake them up? Do I just go to sleep next to them? Do I sleep on that couch? Please brothers, I work at 7am tomorrow and I'm running out of time. That's from befuddled in bedtime, befuddled by bedtime in Boston. Oh boy. Oh classic friends episode. So I'm assuming Joey sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. Yeah. I'm assuming through context clues that you were not in the bed. Like you were maybe like watching TV or playing video games or like sitting at your computer and they napped to be in the room with you. Yeah. Yeah. Why? Yeah. I guess they are in the room. I don't think you are asleep next to them. I do like the question, how do I wake them up? That one seems pretty easy to answer.

Maybe a poker shake. One of those two. No, you gotta be, they've been through a rough thing though. You have to be gentle. That has to be, maybe open a window and let the music of the city. You know what I mean? It's kind of a soothing jazz coming up from the club across the empty club, the unpopulated club across the street. A kiss of breeze. The red attack of the subway drawn. The smell of fresh croissants at the pâtisserie. The birds going about their jobs. They're doing their thing. One's in the room. Oh gosh. Oh no. Everyone's awake. This bird's in here. Someone get this starling out of here. Why? It's cooking? The bird is cooking? This is incredible. He's got an alto saxophone. Fuck yeah. Really, it's cooking. Yeah. Oh, it's all about

the notes the bird doesn't play. Come on. That actually is the last one, the last time anybody can ever do that. Oh really? Everyone write a new joke about jazz, please. Yeah, so I'm guessing you're in the room with them. They're napping. You're uncomfortable with napping next to them. That's probably a good call unless you want to, and I'm not going to like cast aspersions, but let's just say escalate it. Yeah. This is a bad time for roommates to bump it up or escalate it. I mean, even if it's just like unintentional spooning, right? Don't. Yeah, you're going to activate, you're going to escalate, and this is not the time to be doing that. It is actually do not activate, do not escalate is a very good sort of

rule of thumb for I think everyone in our current situation. That's de-escalation is going to present some serious issues, but also maybe go to sleep in their bed. Yes, no. And then just switch rooms. I'm saying with specifically with a roommate scenario, you are tied to them. You are doing a three legged to five or seven or some odd number of leg race with these people right now, and you cannot escalate that or else you are just like really weighing yourself down. One thing you should do is wake them up and be like, hey, I didn't want to, this is, your circadian rhythms are going to be fucked. Yeah. You have got to get it together. You can't be sleeping right now. Go out and take a jog. I don't take a jog. You can socially distance the

jog. I don't care about the jog though. They just need to be up and out and I'm worried about their rhythms. Oh, the circadian rhythms, they're going to mess themselves up. You shouldn't be napping till late 30. That's when did the nap start? When did the nap start? I don't know. We don't have the information. Fuck. But here's the thing, unless the answer to that is 815, it's gone on too long. 830 is like the best fucking time. 830 is like my favorite time of day. The kiddos must see it. That's my time of day is 830. That's must see TV right there. Must see TVs on, kiddos in bed, had your dinner, belly full, maybe having a little cocktail, something to wind down the day, and it's just started. You're not like bumping up against

bedtime just yet. It seems like you could do anything. We have time to, we could start a movie at 830. Oh my God, that's exactly what I was about to say. Why would you want to be asleep during the 830 times, which is the best fucking times? It is, it was literally, I did not see the Star War, the new Star War in the theaters. It came out literally, it was out for, I believe, three weeks before we finally timed it out. It was like, we have time to watch this entire Star War. We finally got the kids to bed early enough to watch the Star War. Still started to fall asleep, hour in, did have to break it up into two showings. Sleep at 11 PM, nap at 1 30 PM, nap at 1 30. Yeah, there's nothing fucking going, nothing good going on. Nobody's doing shit. 830 is bumping,

baby. That's when the music of the city is really hitting its zenith. Oh yeah. That's where you get like the wheels cross across like, you know, the greats and you get that boom, boom, boom, boom, that's the cars drive by, you know, rhythm of the city. Yeah, get it. We all know what the rhythm of the city is. Yeah, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I got a yahoo that was sent in by several people. Got hot dogs here. I got hot dogs here. Umbrella, umbrella, umbrella, umbrella, umbrella, umbrella, umbrella, umbrella. Get off, extra, read all about it. Extra, extra, read all about it. He's bleeding. He's bleeding. It's everywhere. Get off my bus. Hey, get off my bus. Hey, I dropped all my eggs. I dropped all my eggs. There goes the baker with

these tray like always. Marie baguettes. Here's a yahoo that was sent in by several people. Thank you, everyone. It was an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm going to call. This one's just named John. Oh, is it spelled funny? No, J-O-H-N. That's what it says in my mind. John asks, where do... Sorry, one sec. Can we just talk about the Martian man for a second? Of course. Okay, Martian man. What? Okay. His name is John Jones. I want to talk about this. Finally. Finally. Someone created... Hey, Tim, I need you to create a new superhero by the end of the day. Okay. So, did you finish your assignment? It's actually Joseph. Joseph Sandwichen. Did you finish your assignment, Joseph? I did, yes. This is the Martian manhunter.

He's an alien who manhunts. Oh, cool. That's very good. Does he have a secret identity? Because that's what he's right now. Yes, he does. Okay, so what's his secret identity? John. Oh, is that like a human name he took to blend in? J, no, it's different. It's J, apostrophe O-N-N. So, John is his name. John? Yes, John is his secret identity. Does he have a last name? It's Jones. Is that just like regular? It's actually J, apostrophe O-N-C-Z. So, hold on. Let me just check real quick, Joseph. It's John Jones. It's real weird and alien. It's really different. So, it's weird and alien? I came up with it a long time ago and not now. So, Joseph, you're telling me that it's weird and alien, but they

still use letters like J and O and N? It's John Jones. The letters are the same even in space, Travis. It's the constant universal language is letters. So, I'm sorry. Okay, so sorry. Go ahead with the Y. Yeah, that was a fun little detour. John asks, where do guys place their valuables when grinding? Thank you. If I'm grinding with a girl, I'm wearing jeans and think that it would be more comfortable for both of us if my front pockets are empty, makes the dance feel better. But then I will need my wallet and phone with me. So, where do you think I should place them? I know about the back pockets, but what about other places? I'm a guy, lol. Okay, first of all, it's 2020. You can

grind with anybody. Like anybody can grind with anybody, all right? So, I don't think that this has- It's actually, let me, if I could just, nobody can grind with it. Oh, right now, no. Just nobody can grind with anybody. Right. Grind yourself, baby. I feel like the problem with this is like there have been so many numerous innovations that have been designed to fix this very problem and the problem is society has turned their back on them. I'm thinking mostly of the fanny pack. The fanny pack was there. You're saying the fanny pack is not gonna- I guess the fanny pack when deployed above the fanny, the non-sort of British terminology, the American fanny. The American fanny. When deployed above the American fanny for the, let's say, the top

in the grinding scenario, then it would be out of the way. I guess the bottom in the grind could be wearing the fanny pack in the British sense. Yes, and you know, as long as we're talking about it now, what about grind butlers? Oh, that's cool. Yeah, butlers deployed throughout the dance floor with trays who will take and hold your valuables and, most importantly, protect them while you get your grind on, as the kids say. So you can be like- Hi, I'm pitching. I'm looking for a $10 million investment from my idea, grind butlers. So I'd be like, Grimsby, I'm finished. And you're gonna come over with a silver tray that had my phone and my inhaler on it after I finish grinding. Correct. Okay. And here's the thing, if someone tried to take your

inhaler, Grimsby's like throwing elbows. So he has to be strong. Oh, yeah. Okay. He's a burly butler. I have a lot of questions actually about this, Travis. I'm glad you brought it up. So Grimsby, the grinding butler is not- He doesn't participate in any- We can just say Gruntler, by the way, if you want to shorten it. I do. Grimsby the Gruntler. Grimsby the Gruntler is gonna watch- Does he watch me do? Oh, yeah. He needs to be there because he need him. He's not just- Okay. He performs other butler duties as well, but his prime directive is to collect valuables while grinding. So he's there for you. But I do- I think I want him an ear shot but not eye shot. So if I could, I place like a little mask on his eyes. Like, I'll hand

him my inhaler, I'll hand him my phone, I'll hand him some of the toys that I have in my pocket, and he'll put them on a tray. And then I can slip a little mask, like a sleep mask over his eyes so he doesn't see me do what I'm about to do. Do you put the pieces of trash that you mean to throw away? Is that weird to give Grimsby the Gruntler? No. In fact, he gets kind of offended if you don't give it to him because he's like, that's my job, sir. Now I have a question. Here's a different question. Yes, yes, yes. Will he be monitoring my text messages for information that I might want? Yeah. Like, am I gonna be grinding and Grimsby's like, excuse me, sir, but there's a text here from stinky D. He says, Stumblers 2 is bumping. Get down here. Can't miss that.

Yes, indeed. He will also remind you to hydrate. Okay. Because, I mean, that's very important. Now, he will not get you the drink. Let's be clear. He will not get you the drink. He's not a butt lover, but- No. That is not his job. Don't insult him. Now, I guess just another question, Trav, for this product, which is a man. Wait, before I move on, sorry, Griffin, I do want to hear that question. I do want to ask something. If I go to get a drink, will Grimsby take my grinding spot and hold it? I don't want that. Now, here's the thing, not with your partner or partners, right? But he will kind of spread his arms to create a perimeter so that he can maintain the hold you have created

to do your thing. And I want him to maintain the rhythm. I want to just hop right back into the rhythm. Oh, yes. No. He will definitely, he will act as an avatar for your grinding. Perfect. Cool. So, my question, just since I rudely interrupted it, is I've given Grimsby my valuables to hold. Yes. And then I'm grinding, and I do pass away while I'm grinding. Yes, they are his. Yeah, they're his now. I'm not sure I want that to happen, Travis. I want him to be able to, like, those would still be sort of like under my will. When you hire Grimsby, you have to do it with the executor. You have to study. Correct. It's so hard you die. You will settle your affairs.

And he will also, I should, this is an, okay, I'm glad you asked, because this is in the French print, he will not only take your valuable, he will take on your whole personality and continue grinding. Because our slogan here at Grind Butler's is the grind goes on. One other thing to bear is the circumstances of your death are in any way mysterious. Grimsby will not rest until the crime is solved. That's true. Even if he committed it, that's the intro, like he will hunt himself down. Right. And there is, okay. He checks that first though, because the Butler did it, the Grutler didn't. Yeah. So you don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, that is the point. And now there is one thing, just we've done a lot of product testing. Sounds good so far. Thank you. We've done a lot of product testing, and there is kind of one big pitfall that you need to be aware of. You need to be careful that you don't fall in love with Grimsby. That happened. Because he's so reliable and like dependable. And you know, you're out there on the dance floor trying to make a connection, and he keeps falling apart. And who's always there for you? It's Grimsby. And after a while, like it becomes, it becomes sexual. And you have to be really careful there. Love. I'm just going to come out and say, just like bathroom stuff, is this going

to be a problem for Grimsby? Does he have the sort of biological needs as I understand them? Well, maybe he's trained. He's highly trained in tantric peeing. So he can like kind of, he can go all night and then just pee once. He's always peeing a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Do you mean he holds his feet or do you know, clarify, please? Well, you have the option. It's up to you. I'm thinking about how much it's going to cost me to keep it in. He has special pants that tuck into his boots. And so he can pee a little bit the whole time. Or if you would prefer not to have to replace the boots every night, because that is on you. That expenses on you. Then you can take a classy place. Yeah. Then he

does need a 45 minute break just once a night. Once a day, frankly, if you're partying, partying straight, like if we're like in a Coachella situation or something and you never want to leave, then he can do once every, he can go 72 hours, but then he does need four hours off. It's like a camel. Yeah. And Trav, I'm glad you answered that, because I was wondering if maybe you could address the rumors that have been circulating that Grimsby does emit just a constant kind of foul odor that no one seems to know exactly where it's coming from. That's not with every Grimsby. Sometimes it's just a weird humming noise. Yeah. Yeah. And the odor, okay. So it's actually the odor and the humming noise,

but usually the odor and as weird as this is to say, drowns out the humming noise, if that makes any sense. Yeah, sure. No, it's a chemical smell, which is worrying. Yeah. No, it's very upsetting. But so far, I mean, listen, we're still in early stages of testing. At this point, the Grimsby model's only been on the market for a couple months. We have no idea what the long-term issues are, but for right now, still looking for that $10 million investment. So it's yours for zero percent of the company. This sounds great. That's a great deal. Yeah. If Griffin wants to make good on this incredible offer, he's going to need to start building wealth. And the only way that we know how to do that is to take you with us to the bunnies.

I like everyone else of good moral fiber. I'm trying to limit my visits into the outside world as much as possible lately. And one of the most convenient ways I've found of doing that is utilizing stamps.com. If you need to mail stuff, you need to buy postage mailing stuff. Yeah, mail stuff. Post office stuff. You can do it with stamps.com. And it's not just U.S. Postal Service rates. Stamps.com also offers UPS services, with discount rates up to 62 percent. And with stamps.com, you don't have to pay UPS residential surcharges. So it kind of like turns your home, you're bored with your house. Why not turn it into a post office space? Not for public usage. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Don't do that. Don't do that. But it can serve all the same

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enter my brother. Stay safe, friends. It's it's actually my friends, Justin. It is important that we hit that every every time that we do talk about stamps because and I think this is fucked up. And I won't say this. I wouldn't say this to stamps. So I hope they're not listening. They're not. But I think it's fucked up that stamps only wants their friends to be safe and not fair. You know, they're not wishing ill to their non friend. No, no, no, no, no, but they are just saying, Hey, my friends, stay safe. Everyone else. Everyone else do what you're going to do. Yeah, it's fine. Listen, I can't control my not friends. You know, I don't I don't know them. Hey, do you know what has been really helping me through these tough times is my underwear

that I didn't even give me time to guess. Well, yeah, there was no point because you knew what the answer is because we're looking at ad copy together. But I was going to say something like, you know, the love of family and friends. No, like your your brain man's or like, no, no, no, your child's laughter. No, man, it's it's my it's my Goodyear wear, bro. It's talking about me on these. Yeah, because they are comfortable as hell, whether it's whether we're talking about undies, whether you're talking about loungewear or them onesies, which are so soft. They got all kinds of really comfy shit. I like their t shirts. Oh, the t shirts are fantastic. You could you can also get a membership from the undies and it is very, very handy. Imagine this every month,

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Since 1984. And I do the road like a maniac and don't have a cool writing job, but I have four albums out working on a new album. We talk about stand up. We talk about all the different parts of stand up comedy. So that's the Jackie and Laurie show. And you should subscribe on maximum fun if you want to hear that. And I would encourage you not to. I want to munch. Welcome munch squad. It's a podcast within a podcast. I'm trying to take you back to 2007 with that, uh, uh, introduction, because it is the munch squad. What would we call it? Munch Squad Retro? I think you've called it a different fucking thing every single time.

Yeah. Let's, let's keep doing that. This is throwback munch squad. We're going back into the archives for some classics. Uh, this one comes to us from Jacob. Thank you, Jacob. And it's, um, Coldstone Creamery. And this is really like peak. I don't know if this is peak wildness, but this is, this has to be one of the earliest examples of absolutely wild press releases I have seen. It is from 2007. Coldstone Creamery unveils new frozen treat innovations for the love of it. Huh. Huh. The love of the, the love of the game, the ice cream. Y'all, this one's the, y'all can't get hung up on this. Okay. This is a wild one. Okay. If there were an encyclopedia definition for passionate ice cream lover, it would read something like this. Oh boy. A passionate

ice cream lover is one that is unapologetic about their obsession with ice cream. This, why did you kill that man? I don't need the answer to you. This person craves the highest quality ice cream made just the way they like it. I mean, ice cream, right? Just making it in the ice cream way that results in ice. There seems like a pretty narrow band of things that will result in ice cream. I like it in a ball shape on a cone or a cup. This person craves the highest quality ice cream made just the way they like it. And at one time or another has crossed the line to get it. Sorry. What the fuck are you talking about right now? What are you implying? What line? The thin blue line? Oh boy. What line? The ice cream red line? Listen guys,

I worked at TCBY for a, for a summer and a half. There's a fucking line and you do not cross it. Maybe it's the picket line. Was there a big strike going on in 2007? I don't remember. This ice cream flavor scab, Cold Stone Creamery's taste master, Ray Caram, understands this desperate love for customized super premium ice cream and even has a story or two about crossing that line. Oh my God. Luckily, Caram harnessed that passion, enthusiasm for ice cream. It's a developing array of innovative frozen treats available at stores throughout the country starting June 1st. Thank God he harnessed his passion before it could destroy him and those he loved. Can you imagine that kind of ice cream line crossing passion out just in the streets?

Well, to be fair, he harnessed it while in ice cream jail. Like it was estate mandatory. In his quest to incorporate ice cream into every part of the day, Caram has developed French toast ice cream, Jesus. And no flavor would be complete without a custom creation combination. In this case, it's French toast with the most made with French toast ice cream mixed together with apple pie filling pecans and cinnamon. Now, if only ice cream would become an acceptable breakfast food, ice cream lovers around the world would rejoice. So this has been a pretty long press release so far. And so far, I have learned that there is a dude out there who really does like and enjoy ice cream a lot. And they do have they do have French toast with some

mix ins and it has taken like seven paragraphs to get there. This this next line was good enough that I stopped reading the press release because I decided that even if it was just what I've read so far in this line, it would be fine. It would be acceptable. I have no idea what comes next. We're all going to find out together. After developing French toast ice cream, you can imagine the taste master became parched and in need of a pick me up. I'm spent. I can't imagine that. No more. That's precisely what I imagined. It is finished. When I heard that, I thought, man, that dude must have gotten mad thirsty after thinking of that ice cream flavor. You can imagine that. As a result, the already exciting line of smoothies, which is a I mean, I don't know what

they seem to know what they're talking about. The smoothies now has a new addition that packs a punch. The new Mountain Dew smoothie called do iced delivers amazing tastes combined with an exhilarating boost. Fuck yes. With do iced appealing to the heart. Sorry. With do iced appealing to the young at heart. Kerem thought it was best to honor next honor those ice cream sentimentalists that love a good old fashioned Sunday. And that is with a capital S and the A at the end. So, you know, it's fucking fancy starting June 1st. Cold soon creamy. We're off of three new Sundays that feature indulgent rich ingredient layers together as such. This is the fucking I'm not messing up the words anymore. This is just the wildest.

Okay. They didn't think anyone would keep reading this boy. Yeah. I'm not going to list these. There's no way they're available anymore. Quote this this time of year always makes me smile. The warm weather is warm and families are spending time outdoors. I bet it does make you smile. You greedy fuck you ice cream pervert. You ice cream pervert. I bet you do get horny when the weather is warm and families are spending time outdoors making it the ideal time to enjoy ice cream together. No fucking shit, Kerem. Damn. Inspired by my own summertime memories. I sat out to develop several new innovative frozen treats that add to the merriment of the season. We've been doing this a long time.

I'm not sure I've ever seen someone in the press release. It's like fucking I did it again. Get on me. I really I did it again and I'm so proud of myself for doing it, crushing it once again for those ice cream lovers that want their ice cream in the comfort of their own home. Coldstone Creamery now offers a line of grab-and-go creations available in the store display freezer. Ice cream and fish and yinatos across the country are raving about the new grab-and-go flavor shaka cone made with crunchy sugarcane pieces. Uh oh, it sounds like Justin needs a frozen Mountain Dew pick me up. Oh, he's parched. Yeah. I'm parched. I'm parched. Hey, I'd fuck up a Mountain Dew smoothie.

But not a slushie. To be clear, a smoothie. Yeah, that means they got yogurt or kale in there. Yeah, I don't care for that idea at all. At the at the tease, we used to offer an item where we would mix like a sherbet with sprite and blend that up in the mixing machine and serve that up. And one day I came in and I did have like a one liter bottle of the dew and I was like, hey, what about this? I mixed that shit up and I drank it and then I was just at a land party. Like I just was at a land party after that. Amazing. You got, just real quick, I had something, I hate to butt up against Justin's thing, but um. Then don't, then wait. Oh, hello. Did you see it come in? You haven't done it yet. You haven't, fuck.

I was just about to give my brothers a bit of a quiz, but if you'd like, you're welcome to play along at home. I don't want, hey, check this out. Hey, I've never done this before. I don't want to. I think you'll really enjoy this one, Griffin. I've tailored questions for both of you. I think you'll really enjoy this. No, but check this out. Check this out. I'm not going, I'm not gonna. Okay. Well, Justin, I'll start with you then. Great. Looking forward to it, Travis. Give him my, give him my questions too. Oh, okay. You got it. In the Carly Rae Jepsen song, I really thank you.

She sings about really, really, really, really, really, really liking someone. What actor is featured in the music video for this song? This baby bullshit. Um, let me remember. Don't look it up. Do not look it up. I'm not looking, I'm not looking it up. Let me think. Judd Hirsch. That's right. The answer is Tom Hanks. Nope. It's Judd Hirsch. Justin's right.

Now, Griffin, I'll go ahead and give you Justin's. Where did you get? I don't know where you got your information, Travis, but Judd Hirsch was the subject of Carly's affection in that video. So Griffin, excuse me. I'm winning, Justin. Do you hear that? He's dying. Do you hear it? In the 1996 FMV classic, The Seventh Guest, you play a disembodied consciousness that moves through the house, solving puzzles and observing the events of that mysterious night

of Stalf's house as they unfolded long ago. What is your character's name? Dave Thomas. Is that Dave Thomas? It was a Wendy's only. It came in the Happy Meals, I believe. No, the comedian Dave. The comedian Dave Thomas. Oh, the comedian Dave Thomas. No, the Wendy's one. It was the Wendy's one.

Now, what do you think is the real answer, Griffin? Shimothy. I don't know. Travis, fuck. Justin, do you know the answer? Ego. Ego is correct. Justin, in the song Boy Problems, co-written by, among others, Sia, Jepsen reveals that she has very recently broken up with her boyfriend. In the music video for the song, what iconic hairstyle does Jepsen sport?

Bob. Griffin, do you know the answer? No, I was asking my friend Bob. Hold on. He doesn't know. Griffin, do you know? I mean, she had the short dark hair in that one, like the Liza. The Liza mid-nilly hair. It's a mullet.

A mullet? A mullet. Yes. Okay. This feels wrong, too. That's correct. Now, man, mine was right, and Justin, so far, Justin, I'm giving you Travis's points,

which I don't even know how that works, but I'm still hung up on Judd Hirsch. All right, Justin, one last one. Yeah. One last one here. The 2018 Jepsen Bob Party for One became an instant self-care slash masturbation anthem. The music video begins with... Those two are synonymous, but go on.

The music video begins with a hotel desk clerk performing what strange act? Masturbating. Incorrect. Griffin, do you know? There's nothing strange about masturbation, Justin. Well, it would be straight. I mean, anything could be strange given enough context, Travis, and I think that a hotel clerk in his little cap and a uniform,

masturbating would be quite strange. Well, you say that, but Darling Nikki was in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine. So there, Griffin, do you know the answer? It's masturbating, and it was Judd Hirsch, the first answer. It is incorrect. They face plant into a loaf of bread. So I think the winner is Griffin. All right.

What? Well, maybe it's Ty, because you knew ego. And he got... I'm giving Justin one of my points for that Judd Hirsch answer, man. I still think he got fucking ripped on that. All right, the winner is Justin. Yeah. I won.

Hooray. Here's another question. No, here's another question. Do you want to do y'all hear? This one was sent in by Michelle. Thanks, Michelle. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user, because everybody on Yahoo is a chicken shit these days, I guess.

Back in my day, people would put their fucking name on shit, but Denise asks, Is it possible that someone has looked at a mummy or skeleton in a museum that was their great, great, great, and so on, grandparent? I went to a museum some time ago, and there was a couple of mummies that were buried together in the Stone Age or so. I know it sounds weird, but I felt a really strong connection to them. They felt like family. I got so sad.

Is it even possible that they were related to me? Huh. Is it possible? Is it possible? Yeah, it's possible. I mean, Stone Age mummies are not possible. That's probably not right. That's not right.

But back in mummy times, there were only a hundred people on earth. Yeah, there weren't that many. Yeah, right? Like chances, because you got Adam and Eve, right? Yeah. And then you got Cain and Abel, and then it's a little fuzzy for me for a while. Yeah. How that worked out.

I really enjoy the idea that this question asker is in a museum, and they're looking at some mummies, and they're like, oh my god, I feel an incredible, incredible connection to these mummies. I wonder, I think that I might be related to these mummies. I wonder when these mummies are from the plaque is three feet away from them. Fuck, I don't know. Probably the Stone Age or some shit. Anyway, I got to go get on Yahoo about this one.

And if you look, see how they kind of have like a head and body. I have a head and body too. That's just like me. We're the same animal. So like, I know that they are probably my great, great. Let's figure out how many greats it is. Because I want to say, I want to say like four or five. It's not as many as you think it's going to be.

And I think it's fucked up actually that there are mummies in museums, because that's a dead body. Sure. No one ever talks about that. But like, do you think that docents at museums are like, when kids come in, they walk up to the kids are like, hey kids, you want to see a dead body? Because it is a dead person in there, I'm assuming. I mean, the more museums should advertise,

like when they have those mummy tours, they should just have a huge banner that's like, hey kids. Dead folks. You guys want to see a dead body? Back in my day, I didn't want to go to a museum that had a mummy in it for fear that it would come to life and suck all of my vital organs out of my body, like the movie showed me that they could do. When really, I shouldn't have gone to see them because it is dead bodies.

I hope nobody digs up my dead ass and puts me on- I disagree. Okay. Here's the thing, what, they're going to leave me in the ground? For no one to even think about? Or an enjoy? Or an enjoy? Listen, I don't want to be one of the ones that gets eaten to cure rickets or whatever.

I want to be one of the ones that's put in a well-lit, Frank, gotta be well-lit, like wing of a museum for people who be like, dang, I bet he was important or else he wouldn't be here. That's a good point, Travis. You're enjoying it. If you want to enjoy you, you want to be enjoyed. And you know what? No case.

Let him touch me. Yeah. Let him find out. No case, good lighting. That's the thing I see the mummy now and I'm like, ooh, I want to touch it. A limited engagement to come experience Travis McRoy the way he was meant to be enjoyed. Touch Travis while he lasts. Good lighting, no case.

Listen, the oils on your human hands are going to wear away at his old, old bodies. So like, come and get a touch. First come, first serve. All the flash photography you want, baby. Don't worry about it. Be there while at last. Travis was a limited engagement, but he's back now for a little bit, for a little bit. No food and drinks in the Travis.

All right, you can bring your food and drinks. Fuck it. Spill some Mountain Dew on him. Fuck it, man. You be waking up. Dump a dew ice on his head. See if it's enough to invigorate him. He's back.

Do museums have skeletons in them? I don't think they do, right? They do. They got dinosaur skeletons, but they don't have human, human skeletons, do they? What dinosaurs are the humans of their day, Griffin? And they're not skeletons. It's like rocks saying what they thought the bones looked like if they remembered correctly. Whoa, Justin, that was fucked up what you said.

It's the truth. I have recently, as I've been playing Animal Crossing and Dig Up Fossils, and PB's been like, what are fossils? And I've been explaining to her, and then she asked like how the dinosaurs died. And as I was explaining, you know, meteor hit the earth and all that stuff, she started to get very upset and not because of the idea of that. But like when I said, like, you know, the sky's dark and then they didn't have food to eat, she was like, oh my God, I bet they were so hungry.

And she was like really upset on the dinosaurs behalf. And you know what? I've never thought about it that way. But it's pretty fucked up, right? They were just like, yeah, they're dead. Could never happen to us. Yeah, I'm glad they're fucking gone. Think about how sharp their teeth are and how powerful the towel is.

I guess that's true. Do I need that? My life's hard enough with the quarantine and all. I don't want to get stomped on by an apatosaurus or something. Do you think, wouldn't it be cool if the dinosaurs were like, hey, I hear this is all over blood. You guys should come back out. It's totally cool.

It's a fucking hoax, dude. Come on out, it's fine. We're loving it out here. Dinosaurs are immune. I know that. No, no, no, I had it already. It wasn't even that bad, really. It's not even really that bad.

It's like as bad as the dinosaur flu. You all died from the dinosaur flu. No, no, no, no. That was the best history. Listen, man, it's ancient history. It's before history, in fact. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you've enjoyed yourself.

We hope you're hanging in there, staying safe the whole bit. We got some new stuff on our merch store, I think. It's McElroyMerch.com, in addition to our ill-advised 10th anniversary commemorative plate, new t-shirts. We've got some stickers to get that summertime vibe going, and a t-shirt for Griffin and my video game podcast, The Besties. So that's worth checking out if you're so inclined. Real quick, I wanted to mention the podcast I do with my wife

called Schmanners. Last week's episode is a special all about video conferencing and teleconferencing etiquette, and we got a bunch of questions about it and did our best to answer those. So if that's something you've been worried about, you can check that out. And the week before that, I talked about a historical figure named Joshua Norton, who is a dude who proclaimed himself

the first emperor of the United States in the mid-1800s in San Francisco. And it's one of my favorite topics ever, and I was very excited to talk about it. And so if that sounds interesting to you at all, either one of those. Make sure you go check them out. I think they're great. Thanks to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the Use for a Theme song. It's a departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Groove on those funky tunes.

Nice. And thanks, it's speaking of funky tunes. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. All kinds of great shows on the Maximum Fun network. Shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Story Break and Switchblade Sisters and a whole bunch more all at MaximumFun.org. And like Travis said and Justin said, we have other stuff at McRoy.family and at the McRoy Family YouTube channel.

And if you are a fan of our podcast, The Adventure Zone, The Adventure Zone Graphic Novel Book 3, Pedals to the Metal, is available for pre-ordered now at TheAdventuresZoneComic.com. That's coming out mid-July. So don't wait. Order it now. Give yourself something exciting to look forward to. Is that going to?

That is it. I am going to read the final Yahoo now. Thank you to everyone who sent in Yahoo's. Jack sent this one in though. Thanks, Jack. It's from Yahoo Answers user negotiator who asks, Is it safe to say that the 1880s were just like the 1980s but with less technology? My name is Justin McRoy.

Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. I want to say that I want to.