My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 510: Killer Car Wash

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

Perhaps it’s the months of seclusion that has given us this macabre fascination, but in today’s episode, we debate, at length, the lethal capabilities of an automated car wash. Our conclusion: It���s probably not a great idea to walk into one of these things. (Feat. Special Guestpert: MC Bat Commander!)Suggested talking points: Energy Circle, Nothing Compares to Corn, Car Wash Survival, The EMT Store, Pigeons are Phones, Cake for Life, A New Large Bird, Zoom Vaping

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome to My Brother. My Brother means advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Let's do it. Just do it. Just do it. Nike. We said last week, no more introductions. There's nothing to talk about, so no more

introductions. Well, there's something to talk about, but let's not talk about that. There's something big to do. We're discussing, but let's not discuss that one. I would like to pitch a new way to start the show. We're going to take it way back to our start, really, community theater. Let's do an energy circle. Oh, that's good. Yeah, and then a prayer circle. That's less good. Let's start off, everybody. No matter what you're doing, just put your hands up in the air and just shake them all around. Oh, we're going to feel that energy go into you. Now, me and Travis are going to do a private prayer circle over here. Justin, if you don't want to be a part of that, you can go do something the fuck else. While me and Travis

pray to Jesus to make our show and get your gun go so good. I was not going to pray to Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're going to pray to the theater mask guy. Yeah, I was, yeah. Let's cover our faces. I'll do Jesus. Travis does the comedy tragedy mascot. Justin, pick one. Dionysus. Dionysus. Oh, that's a fun one, huh? Yeah. All right, I'll start. Hey, Jesus, it's me. Apologies for my bros. They don't know what's up. I know that you love musical theater. I know you love comedies. Barefoot in the park is your favorite. Today, we're going to use it. Wait, really? Wait, Griffin. Jesus Christ Superstar isn't his favorite? No, he thinks he's played and he doesn't like rock. He does it. As we all know, he doesn't like rock music. Anyway,

we're about to do any Get Your Gun, and it's really important. There may be scouts in the audience. Just let me shine. Let me sparkle and let me dazzle them. And please forgive my brothers. They're going to pray to people who aren't you, and I know you don't like that stuff. Hey, Thespot. It's me. Just reaching out to you. Let me hit them high notes. I hear there's going to be scouts in the crowd trying to take this all the way. I know I'm just backup dancer number six, but I think I've got potential. Anyways, I love you and I'll see you at home. Amen. I didn't say amen on mine. Dionysus, it's me. Again, Justin McElroy. Yes, I come to you once more, the god of wine making and grape cultivation and fertility and ritual madness and religious

ecstasy and theater. I can call you Dionysus. I can call you Bacchus, but right now, I'm just calling you my last chance. I really got to do good and my role as Frank Marshall in this production of Manny Get Your Gun that we are apparently about to mount on this podcast. I'm having that nightmare, God Dionysus, that I sometimes have where I don't know what the show is, but I have to perform anyway, except it's not a nightmare. It's real and nobody knows what the show is, and we're all in it together. So God, amen. Please, if you're not the real one, if you could just please send this to Jesus, if he's better for this. Please forward, I guess, to whatever to whom it may concern. Yeah, I think we're going to crush it. Guys, this has a wafting aroma of an introduction.

No, it's not an introduction. It's just a prayer circle. This is just a prayer circle, and now energy circle. Everybody hold hands wherever you are. I'm holding on to the two cybernetically linked robot hands that you all gave me as a present that mimic your hand. Oh, you're doing the jerk off gesture. You're both doing the jerk off gesture. That is how I do energy circles. Should we start over again? Let's just do the first question. Yeah, first question. We said no more introductions, and then we accidentally did one, and we can be better than that. We can be better than this together. Tonight while preparing dinner, my husband said we had too many veggies,

so he wasn't going to cook carrots. I said, fine by me. I don't really like carrots. This shocked him far more than I was expecting. He said he felt betrayed, and I should have mentioned this at some point in our six year relationship for now. Thing is, I don't hate carrots, and usually I eat them without complaint because they're healthy. They're just not my favorite vegetable. Should I have mentioned this beforehand? Should I now sit down and come up with a list of things I'm just not a huge fan of or impartial to just in case, or is he overreacting? That's from just not that enthused in Australia. What a fucking great question. I only want to talk about this. Okay. All right. Why?

I just think it's got everything that I like to talk about now. Carrots. Relationships. Maintaining along to relationship and vegetables, and where they are sort of at, where I'm at. Can I talk about my journey with carrots? It's just that kind of an inverse of cheese. Uh-huh. Oh. If you cook carrots, I'm so out. Yeah. If you have them raw, I'll eat those crunchy little bastards all day long. You cook it, I'm completely out on carrot. I don't want to eat it. Is it the hotness? Is it the heat? You don't like a hot carrot? Is it the mushy, the softness? It's the mushy and the sweetness. The mushy sweetness that I really don't enjoy. Oh, interesting. I like it. See, that's what I like about a cooked carrot. Is it like a vegetable

that's kind of pretending a little bit to be a fruit? There is almost no vegetable. I'm sitting here trying to think of it. There's almost no vegetable that I fuck with equally in a hot versus a cold. I mean, like right, like raw carrots down, raw celery, better than cooked celery, basically. Oh, flip that, though, for broccoli. What the fuck? What the fuck? No one. No one. No one. No one. Call a flower? Fuck you. Suck shit. No. Get that shit off my veggie tray. If there's no one on a ranch. If there's no one on a ranch. Veggie tray, listen, the cherry tomatoes are gone. Boom. Everybody loves those little guys. Cherry tomatoes, they're gone, cleaned out. I don't fuck with raw tomatoes. Okay, Justin, we can't talk about,

it's not even broclivity. It's like your anti-clivities. So the things you don't like. That should be a better word for that. Yes. But like cherry tomatoes, I'm going to say your cherry tomatoes, your raw carrots, your raw celery, these things, they are flying off the shelves of the veggie tray. Those can stay. Those can stay. Oh, and maybe I'm going to speak up for like a sugar snap pea. Okay. Oh, so he's got to speak at Travis's, the fucking Lorax. Somebody wants some stringy garbage in between their incisors. I like that. I like, it doesn't have the crunch of it. It's just got, I mean, it's right there in the name, a snap. It's got a snap. Yeah. I like that. So crunchy. So if a vegetable, and this is good, it's really good

that we get this taxonomy going on the show because chefs don't know what the fuck to do with these things. Yes. Thank you. If they're crunchy, let me munchie. If they're, if they're, soggy, give to doggy. You're saying if the vegetable gets wet, feed it to a dog? Well, I mean, not all vegetables. You have to, I, you have to do what I do, which is ask Echo. I'm not going to say her real name because she's listening. Okay. Got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. If they're crunchy, let me munchie. If they're soft, cook them off. But what about broccoli and carrots? Those are soft. Oh, wait. No, carrots are crunchy, let me munchie. Uh-huh. If they're soft, like broccoli, cook them off.

Cauliflower? Is soft. Cook them off. Asparagus? You roast those, roast those bastards. Gotta roast them. You gotta roast them. I, I have come to, I, I like, there's a few things that I, even in my adult years, I'm like, nope, absolutely not. And I kind of enjoy that because I've come to eat so many different vegetables and be okay with so many different weird things that I'll kind of treasure the things that I'm still like, absolutely not. And my wife knows those things. Like she knows, like, don't put a water chestnut near me. Oh fuck. Disgusting. They're so gross. What is it? You're not a nut. Why are you bringing water? You're a, this, okay. Fuck the first person

that was like, I just found this. This tastes like a, well, I'm trying to come up with a name for it. It kind of tastes like a wet nut. Is that anything? Oh, I got it. I'm going to put it in salad and vegetable bags and many Asian dishes. The fuck water chestnut. The fact of matter is there, there's like nothing, no food stuff that I just like will absolutely not eat. Like if other people eat it somewhere, chances are I'll eat it. But there are plenty of things that if you like give me the option that I'd be like, oh, I'd rather have that than that. Like, you know what I mean? I just, I'm saying, let me, let me get through the thing that why I married to the woman I married to and why we are still together is that almost without fail,

except for olives, which we both despise, the foods that I can't deal with sitting indoors. So it's like, slide those water chestnuts over here. I'm way in. I'm deep into it. Oh, you got a pickle that you don't want. Slide that pickle over my way. And I think that that maybe is what your husband is like, all of you are not into carrots. That's a lot of carrots. I could have been scarfing this whole time. I could have been enjoying them if you're not enjoying these, these vitamin packed weedies. These sweet little orange honey cigars. Or potentially your husband also doesn't enjoy carrots and was making them thinking you enjoyed them. Yeah. I never have to buy these fucking things. Take all the money we could have saved on carrots. If you are, if you

are a person who has never eaten a vegetable in your life and you come to me and you're like, man, I've never eaten a vegetable in my life. I would probably look around the grocery store. I'd be like, um, well, here, try this. This is called a carrot. This is the best. Carrot is the vegetable, right? Yeah. If you eat carrot and you're like, gross, I'll be like, well, then there's nothing, there's leave the produce section because it's all down here, man. I'm not even saying carrots, the best vegetable, but like nobody eats a carrot is like, fuck that. No way. Now, what about, I might, I might say corn is maybe like a better like entry. Yeah. Veg. But there's nothing that compares to corn. Like you can't be like corn and now here's some lettuce. Now here's like,

if you go carrot, you can go carrot to celery. Easy. Love that Shanae O'Connor song. Can I do a yahoo? I'm saying, I got a call weird out. Okay, that was good. I'm saying, I think your husband overreacted. Okay. This yahoo is sent by Graham Robuck. Thank you, Graham Robuck. It's yahoo answers user Ray who asks, this may be a short one, but I think it's worth talking about. Would I die if I walked through a car wash? Huh. Huh. Okay, hold on. And we're talking about an automatic car wash. I don't think if you walk through a, if you walk through a self-service car wash and die, some, there has been foul play. Well, there's a logic puzzle in there, right? That's a murder. Yeah. There's a puddle of water on the

ground and a man is dead. What happened? Yeah. But if you, I'm talking about you're behind the Senoko and you've gotten the, and let's say just to again, make the rules as firm as possible, the most premium wash they have available. The most possible things. The most possible, I'm not talking about the $3 splashing soap bullshit where your car is dirtier. Don't fucking talk to me about the $3 splashing soap. My car is dirtier on the other side of that. I want the wax. I want the rainbow foam. I want all that shit, but I want it on my body and I want to live through it. I want to drive through a super powerful dryer that never works and has never worked and does not drive cars. And I don't know why they're always there.

Just pushes the water kind of around and it looks cool, but it's functionally useless. But I want that on my body. Would it kill you? Okay. Let's go through the process. Okay. So you're walking through, you're going to get sprayed with water. We have to assume, you have to assume if you're a manufacturer of the car wash, you have to factor in a first step that is non-lethal to account for people that did have their window rolled down or just like, what the fuck? This is how it works. Okay. So the first step, the initial rinse, I got to say, that's almost certainly non-lethal. Not lethal. Yeah. Well, it's not lethal. Isn't the same as, because I think what you're also assuming there is a lot of damage will be done, but now you've figured out you need

to roll your window up because then there are other steps down. And I feel like maybe if you get blasted in every step of the way, it compounds the damage. Interesting. Your weekend, your hit point. Yeah. You're definitely, you're bloodied. You know what I mean? Like, oh no, why didn't you roll your window up after you were sprayed by the high-powered foamy water? We're not going to be able to sort of arithmetic out the PSI of these nozzles, yes. But we can say, I can say pretty confidently, you blast yourself with a power washer, big rips, big rips up to Gizzo, you're done. But it's not power washer pressure in the car washer, so it would like rip the paint off the car, right? And if it's not ripping the paint off the car, it ain't going to

rip the flesh off my bones. So I do not think the spray pressure is going to get me there. So next step, foam rollers. Well, those crush my petite body. I don't think they're- I mean, weird way. I mean, you can push on a car harder than you can push on a person, Justin. They're not engineered, though, to squish a person. I don't know that they would get- No one goes through those things on their motorcycle, right? Like, they're not supposed to come in so far that they could crush a man. No, I agree with you, Jamie, that they did not design them to squish a person. But I'm saying- And they designed them to not squish a person.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a toughie. I don't know. I- Well, you have to make a ruling on it so you can't just sit back on your fucking ivory throne and say, it's a toughie. Okay, I don't think the foam rollers are going to kill you. I think that they're going to be unpleasant. A hugely unpleasant. Because I'll tell you, what about the tourney ones? Yes. Because that's the ones that are, like, vertical. And it's like a cat of a million tails that is going to, like, just rip the flesh from- That would suck, actually. That would suck the shit. That would actually mess you up. And we haven't even gotten to the undercarriage wash. Like- Oh, boy.

Oh, my beepest, no! That's going to spray up through you. That's a terrible thing, because first, you'll have the most profound and prolonged orgasm of your life as you discover your kink moments before you are killed. That is a tough one. Then there's also the wax. The wax is where I am. I'm fucked up now. Before we get to wax. Before we get to wax. We need to establish another rule, which is, do I have to stand still and let the rollers come at me? You mentioned the vertical roller, okay? The horizontal roller that comes in, I can duck under that, the vertical rollers. I like, would it even be possible for me to stand still while these two rollers

crush me from either side? Or would it, like, sort of squirt me out one end? I think you have to keep feet planted. Because otherwise, you could go hide in the corner and this experiment is null and void. I think there is a way that you could say, like, this is a training session for American Ninja Warrior, where I'm going to avoid these things that will kill me. But I think in the spirit of the question, will it kill you, you are committing to the experience. Yeah, you want to go on this ride. Okay, now we can return to hot wax. Yowza. Don't really have much else to add. I think the wax is quite hot, right? It's, I don't know. I mean, I really don't. Because again, like,

I kind of feel like any spraying, they have to take a chance that somebody has accidentally rolled their window. Like, I think that you have to be able to withstand some of the spraying. I don't know if the wax is hot. Like, sometimes this has hot wax and that, that I get. Absolutely. I'm just not sure it's like murder hot. Huh. Yeah, but once again, Justin, I'm talking about a compounding, like you've just been slapped all over by a thousand. I don't even know what that's made of, but it makes a thunk when it hits my car. Like you are, I think a thousand tiny cuts, a thousand tiny welts, and then you're getting sprayed by wax, even if that wax is not like flesh melting, even if it's not boiling. It's warm. It's warm. It's not going to be a pleasant

experience. Nobody's saying it's going to be a pleasant experience. No, but I'm saying it's all compounded. They're cars going through it and it's like, that's a pleasant experience. Mama Mia, that's a pleasant experience. I'm saying that by this point, you have been so tenderized that when you get to the dryer, the, even that pressure of air is just going to force all the skin off your body. Oh, wait, are you going through nude? That's too many variables, because then I can wear like, you know, I find out I'm going to be on this really fucked up high stakes episode of Fear Factor and I can dress for the occasion. Yeah, I think you have to be nude. I think you have to be nude. I think you need to be nude.

I think you want to be nude. Yeah, listen, you're not doing this, if not to be nude. Uh, there's no news about a person being killed in a car wash that I can find. Oh, so there's not like an update on this? What? Well, wait, no, never mind. That's a different thing. I don't like googling deaths. Okay, I'm going to quit googling deaths. I'm out. How about another question? Real palette cleanser. I hope this email finds you well. Thank you. So many people forget the pleasantries. It doesn't, but if you could turn it around, that would be neat.

I've recently resolved to dye my hair in dark red after seeing a fellow co-worker rock a bright red. I work as an EMT and colored hair isn't super common in the field, so it's going to be super clear that I'm copying her style. Ah, my question is, how do I dress the crimson elephant in the room? Do I just rock up one day like nothing's different? Do I have to profess my envy of those ruby locks? That's from hair color conundrum in California. This is actually a very challenging question. Yeah, I'm having a difficult time with it. Because there is no like, oh, is yours red? Like there, there you can. There is no actor on earth that could deliver that in such a way.

The flave has been copped. You've copped the flave. But I also think you couldn't, in lead up to yours, be like, I love, I love that color. That's so good. Because then when you do it, it's just so like talented, Mr. Ripley obvious. It's so creepy. It's so creepy. You have to address. I think not addressing it is not possible. So the question has become even more challenging. How do you say, is it okay that I have chomped this flave so, so completely? Do you do you address it? Okay, let's answer this first. Do you address it before or after? Because I can't imagine the before would be like, I mean,

hi, I just wanted to say that your hair is so beautiful. And I just want to take it for my own and allow my ascension to the complete me of the crimson dragon that I and God are supposed to, I'll just take your hair and glue it to mine. Is that okay? I'm getting scared now and I don't like feeling scared. Why do you make me feel this way? I don't think that's going to go. That's a worst case scenario. No, but the post, the after credits asking, Justin is like, Hey, I did this. What do I do now if you say no? Like, Hey, was this okay that I did this? No, shit, you, I got it. I got it. I got it. You go to them, you say, Oh, man, your hair looks so cool. I've actually been thinking about dyeing my hair red for a while. Can you tell me like,

you got any tips? Long before you ever thought of it? Well, no, you don't have to frame it like that. You don't have to be the world's biggest jackoff. But you can make it feel like they are doing like they're letting you in on the cool red hair club. Oh, you know what I mean? Help me like pick a shade. I really think your hair looks cool. And I have always wanted to do a look like that. And what better time to do it than now? Will you feel the sense of pride and satisfaction like a mama bear in the club in teaching me how to make my hair like a cool punk rock EMT? And then we can form some kind of band of adventurers together. Saving people. Every time. Every time you want to go in like a fantastical Mr. Fox bullshit direction.

Well, oh, sorry, I forgot that you guys don't have dyed hair. So you'd oh, yeah, you don't. Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry. Yeah, that definitely doesn't happen when you dye your hair. The important thing is that you keep dyeing it. And as soon as new people come and get hired by the EMT company, you welcome to EMT code. We don't know what it stands for either. Remember, it's $5 for medicine, $10 for bandages. When they ask if they need to be intubated, that's $15. Don't forget to give them the menu. And if you sell 10 bandages, you get a bonus. Don't forget to wear your hair net while doing EMT. And always smile. No matter what's happening. I'm giving you a promotion. Now you're Captain EMT. You get to drive the big van.

And could you drop off my dry cleaning while you're out? I'm going to tell you guys my smart thing I was going to say. Oh, the EMT van's driving by. Does anybody need a bandage or medicine? Do you have any inhalers? Sorry, kid. Just sold my last one. We are plum out of inhalers. They go fast, man. It'd be better than our current medical system, am I right, fellas? Wow. Wow. Wow. Dennis Miller. Wow, guys. Anyway, should I do a Yahoo? Yeah, it just make it, I think Travis actually, I don't like the way this shields my mouth, but I think Travis had the best

solution. Just enlist them in the process. That's very good. I don't think that was my solution. I think that was mine, but that's fine. I guess here's a Yahoo that was sent in by several people. It is a Yahoo Answers user named DJ Donnelly who does ask, and I don't know if it's DJ Short for Danny Jean or if they grind it out on the ones and twos, but DJ Donnelly does say, how to live to 75 by eating nothing but cakes and milk? This one is cool because I like that they are targeting 75. 75 feels like, listen, I only want to eat cakes and milk, and I want to stretch this, I want to ride that train as long as it will take me. I do not think it will get me past 75. 75 is best case scenario. There

are no 80-year-olds eating just cakes and milk out there. Now, I like too that they are not asking if it is possible. They are saying, how do I do it? It's not like, has anyone done this? No. Someone's done it. Someone has to have done it. Now, this has introduced via a train of thought, has pulled into a station to tie this back to an earlier question. How do y'all feel about carrot cake? It kicks ass. Because it's got the carrots in there, so that's like a vegetable cake. Justin, what are you doing? Nothing. Thinking. Think out loud. Okay. Well, it kind of depends on the kind of cake. I just wanted to say something good and useful here, but it does, cake is a very open-ended word. Yeah? Yeah. So, there's like healthy cakes, but is that healthy or

healthy or? Everything's healthy in moderation, Travis. It's what I keep telling you. That's why I have all these deal-a-meal cards spread out everywhere. It's called Deela Cake is this new program. You have like a breakfast cake, probably coffee cake, right? And then you have a sumptuous evening cake, like a crab cake. And for lunch, there's urinal cakes. Oh, nope. No, no, no. What is that do? What's that do for your health, Justin? Tell me now. That I was just a different kind. I was trying to come up with different kinds of cake. You two have made me hate this question, and now I'll do a different one. Healthy milks too. Hemp milk. Milk that gets you high. Nice. Now I'm back in. Oh, we talking about hemp milk. I'm back in. You know, me, I'm a major weedhead

these days, and I won't touch nothing if it hasn't been rung out of some hemp. Should I do a yahoo? Do you think we've earned the right to go give some money from this episode? I think I want to get some money from this episode. All right, guys, we promise we'll do it real quick. You know what you should eat? What's that, Trav? You should eat blue apron. It's like the cakes of boxed, pre-packaged, pre-proportioned beels. Did you say beels? Beels of Jessica Beels. It's a full crate of beetles delivered right to your home. Blue beetle apron. Good. That's dope, because I'm Timon and Pumba. Love them juicy bugs. They love eating juicy bugs, but no, they're not going to send you juicy bugs. They probably don't want us saying that. They're going

to send you fresh quality non-bug ingredients delivered straight to your door, and you can cook delicious, easy meals in the comfort of your home. The premium recipes take it a step further and give you a truly unique experience. It's like bringing the restaurant home. Which restaurant? You decide. Even if there's, what? I made one of these, and it had a thing in it like I was making food that I've never even heard of before. It was amazing. What? Yes. I'm going to embarrass myself if I say what it was, because people will probably be like, you never had that. I have that all the time, but it was like a potato thing. I can't remember what it was called, because it's like so great for a while. French fries? What? French fries?

No, it was... Was it a sweet potato? No, it was a potato rosti, or rosti, perhaps. This sounds like you're talking about like a roasted potato, but you're also like a really fucking cool surfer. No, it's like a rosti. You're coming with me to the potato rosti, shaka bro. This is taking too long. I'm just saying that it's a rosti. It's like a potato pancake. It's good. And swish, swiss. Fuck! We go into the potato rosti, swish bro. Anyway, find comfort in the kitchen with Blue Apron and enjoy delicious home cooked meals. Visit blueapron.com to check out this week's menu. That's blueapron.com. Blue Apron, feed your soul. Oh, no, I don't understand you.

Well, you would. If you had learned that language, I just made up on babble. See, I was babbling, so I was hoping that that was it. No, I got that. No, I've been doing babble, which is a great way to learn a language or even re-learn a language. If you had one back in high school and you kind of lost it a little bit, babble will get you sharpened up real quick. I have really dug that it's more conversational than a lot of other foreign language apps that I've tried before. And baby, I've tried, I'm all. Did you get so enthusiastic about that that you uppercutted your microphone? I can always tell when it happens. No, there's a dragon punch. It starts with conversations really early, so it's not just vocabulary, you're discussing things. The words are organized by

sort of ideas and conversations you might have rather than just vocab, so it's a really cool, much easier way to learn a language. And right now, babble, B-A-B-B-E-L, is offering our listeners three months free with the purchase of a three month subscription with promo code My Brother. Go to babble.com and use promo code My Brother on your three month subscription. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com, promo code My Brother. Babble. Language for life. Welcome. Thank you. Thanks. These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Reliability is big for me. Power. I'd say comfort. What do you think of this? That's Jordan Jesse Goh. Jordan Jesse Goh? They came out of the floor

and down from the ceiling? That can't be safe. I'm upset. Can we go down? Soon. Jordan Jesse Goh, a real podcast. Here's another question. I have always wanted to hold a pigeon. The city pigeons seem like such funky little docile guys, and I'm curious to see if they would let me get close enough to let me scoop one up in my hands. However, my girlfriend does not think this is a good idea. She's worried I get attacked or contract some sort of disease from said bird. Please either help me to convince her that this is a safe plan or talk me out of trying to snatch a pigeon next time I'm in a city. That's from the pigeon pal. I don't actually know. You know what? I actually have... Let me make...

Who could possibly possess a level of expertise about this exact subject? Oh, I bet it's the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2. Is it Brenda Fricker, Justin? Do you have Brenda Fricker? It's a lot of numbers. That's too many numbers. It's still calling. Still calling. That's the MC Bat Commander, the lead senior of the Alkabats. Hold on, let me see if he's... Wait, you're going to use our one token? Yeah, he gave me this token whenever we're in need, and I feel like this is pretty dire, so...

Hello. This is the Bat Commander. What can I do for you? Hey, it's us. We're using our token. It's the Macaroy Brothers. Do you remember the token you gave us? You said it for anything? Sure, yeah. Who is this again? The Macaroy Brothers. We did your show for free, and you said that there'd be money, but then there wasn't money, and so instead you gave us this token that does have a token that he's on it. How are you guys?

We're doing good. Bat Commander, where are you at on pigeons? Well, pigeons, pigeons. I feel like pigeons are our friends. Like many of the animals we are friends with, pigeons are some of them. Where do you sit on scooping up animals in the line of duty, protecting earth? Have you had occasion to scoop up animals? What's your track record on animal scooping? Yeah, there has been a few times where there has been some necessary scooping of animals, scooping them out of the street, catching some baby chicks before they get run over by a stingray Corvette. Things like this. How often does that happen? You wouldn't believe how much baby chicks are attracted to stingray Corvettes. They love those 70s muscle cars, yes.

You might say it's kind of a chick magnet. Oh my God. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Here's the deal with the pigeons. Let's just level with this. Let's just level with this. Finally, let's cut through all the bull crap. Human relationships are important. His girlfriend is scared of the pigeons. Okay, pigeon attacks are on the rise. It is true. I mean, there's thousands of pigeons out there ready. I mean, and right now they're desperate. That's right. Anyone do it. That's right. So hungry. Can you imagine how many French fries they're not eating every day from street cafes? Those potato chips and chickpeas off of salads like they can't eat. Pigeons are starved and they are pissed off. That's right. Pigeons are angry. So I can feel her pain, but

at the same time, any man, woman, whatever that feels the need to scoop an animal needs to get that scoop off their chest. If you know what I mean, get that scoop right off your chest. But it feels like there could be like an oils on the hands. You know how you're not supposed to touch stalactites or stalagmites when you're in a cave system because your oils will forever leave an imprint. Right. I've heard that. I've heard that. Yeah. If the oils on my hands somehow like coat the pigeons wings in some sort of anti-flying juice. That's true. Is that a concern? You know, pigeons are remarkable, remarkable animals and we have to respect them and get our oils on them. Right. Essential oils, human oils, whatever it may be. Olive oils. Essential worker oils.

All of those things. But here's the thing. Pigeons are the ancestors of our phones. Let's face it guys. I mean, right? Pigeons are caveman phones, right? Oh, we tape messages to pigeons and they fly and deliver messages. So we have to respect the pigeons and that's why they live in the cities. That's why we give the pigeons the licenses to live where they do, right? Maybe instead of just staring down at your phone all day like all of us are doing like Banksy said in that one piece of art, maybe look at the pigeons because they're, they were phones and we used to just stare at pigeons and I would love to go back to that. Let's go back. Let's go back. You know, I tried to use a pigeon as a cell phone once,

but the only game that would work on it was Angry Bird. That's two. It's just fucking full of them, man. Incredible. That was really good. Hey, we were on the Aquabats show and I'm assuming that's available on YouTube now as people are listening to this. Yes. Yes, that's right. It came out. The Shrinky Bats episode of the Aquabats Super Show just came out and you guys are so fine in it. You're great. You're acting skills, the pigeons that surrounded the hot dog cart that Justin was, you know, soliciting people's businesses, the essential business of selling hot dogs to people on the street. It's fantastic. It's fantastic. Watching and enjoying that episode, I don't

think anyone will appreciate the level, the amount of discomfort that was involved with the shooting of this. It was cold. It was blustery and I had to pee so bad that I thought my brain was going to melt. You really sacrificed for your art. Thank you. Yeah. And there was no porta-potties. There was honey wagons, as we say in Hollywood. There was just, you know, there was a lot of fun looks. Yeah. There was a lot of fun looks. People were like, what are you guys doing? Imagine how I feel. I have a fake mustache all the time. What? It's fake? It's a real mustache. It's just not real hair. That's a perfectly sensible distinction. MC Back Commander, thank you so much for joining us. Yeah. You guys are on the episode that just came out and we have a new record coming out

called Kooky, Spooky and Stereo June 20th. So look for that. Look for that, you guys. It's going to be great. We're listening for that. And what's the advice that we're going to land on with Pigeon Pal? I feel like you have given every bit of advice on the spectrum from respect to pigeons to pick them up and get the scoop off your chest. So I feel like the question-asker, Pigeon Pal, can really just kind of choose their own adventure as far as that goes. They could just sort of go with whatever advice suits them. Thanks to MC Back Commander. We're even now. We're square. Well, I still owe you lunch. So, and a port of body and a hot dog. Hopefully not all at once. That would be an uncomfortable afternoon. It could be fun. It could be fun.

Hey, I got a yahoo here. That was also sent in by several people. So that's why yahoo answers user Negotiator, who I think we've done a Negotiator one recently. Wow. They're big in the scene right now. They ask, is it possible to discover new large birds still today? Huh. Yeah, sure. I know that Justin's sort of the birdhead among us. Okay. Because he's seen, he's seen, well, you've seen most of them, if not all of them. And you're always talking about that. Always very excited about that. But I guess my question is like, we've, we got satellites in the sky. Yeah. Let's start there. Are they spreading, are they spreading the coronavirus? No one's quite sure about that.

But we got these satellites in the sky that are definitely spreading coronavirus. But they're also, they have taken pictures of every square inch of this planet. And so we've seen all the land that there is. You're not going to, you discover a new island, you know what I mean? But what about a large, like a new large bird? Well, the thing is, it's like, this is assuming that all birds look like birds, right? That you'd see a picture of like, that's a bird. But what if a bird looked like a bush, right? And you're like taking a satellite picture and you're like, that's just a bush. No, no. Oh, cool. That's a bird. Or like, maybe something weird, like this whole time, camels have been birds. Like we just didn't

put it together because they just don't look in any way like birds and don't have feathers and don't lay eggs and don't do bird tricks. Well, it'd be, it'd be two birds, isn't it? Each camel would be two birds. And like hiding inside. If we had thought about it for like a fucking second, we would have realized that all camels are two birds. And you know what, maybe there's just a big bird that we've all been seeing a lot, but like taking for granted, right? Like there is, it's a new species of bird. And we've all seen a bunch of them. And everyone's thought, definitely someone like categorized that bird, right? Catalog that bird, right? And we, but we've just been taking for granted that everyone knows that bird, right? I could have seen

a, that's a great point. I could have seen a new bird many, many times and it would not have crossed my mind to think like, Hey, I don't know what that one is. Maybe that means it hasn't been discovered yet. I thought that while whilst on the Joko cruise last year, you know, we'd sail past a tiny spit of land. And your thought is like, definitely someone owes that land. But what if they don't? What if I was the first person to see that and it's full of weird big birds that I could be riding on or talking to? And that's the fucking dream, isn't it, man? Don't get me started. Just saying. There's probably a fucking diesel ostrich out there that I could choke a bow, right? There's probably like a fucking jacked ostrich that

I could, that I could just fucking mount and ride across the. I understood what you meant, but it also sounded like a fun way of saying you wanted to choke an ostrich. I mean, if that's part of the neck to not want to choke it is what I'm saying. No, we've talked about this for sure. Yeah, we've definitely talked about this, I think maybe in the context of geese, but ostrich that ball still plays. And if the choking is part of this sort of riding process, then that is a price I'm willing for the ostrich to pay. I'm just saying that show me eight birds right now and say which of these isn't catalogs. I got no fucking clue. I could go one day without Travis Dimani to see a picture of eight birds. I'm saying, why has no one shown me these eight

birds? I don't feel like if eight birds exist, where's the proof? Where's the proof? Wait, you're saying eight birds? You're saying there's fewer than eight birds? No, I'm just saying if there's more than eight birds, I haven't seen them. I yesterday had a cardinal outside my front door. That's what? That. No, listen. I'm going to list all the birds I've seen. No, this cardinal would fly in front of my glass door, kind of poke it with its beak and then fly off to the side. And then 20 seconds later, it would fly back over and be like, Hey, what's going on? Hey, can I come in? This is weird. Okay. And then fly back off to the side. This bird did this for 10 minutes. Guys, I've never seen anything like it. And I'm not a superstitious person, but like,

I thought it had to be important for something, an omen of something. And I don't know what it meant, but this cardinal just like looked in the door for 10 minutes. Why was it doing that? Now, was there a point in there, Justin, where you thought maybe this bird wants me to follow it? Okay. That's one option that it knew where some sort of treasure or cool plant was. Okay. According to the, a very cursory Google search, apparently, there's a lot of symbolism attached to red cardinal sightings. The Choctaw people believe that the cardinal's an omen regarding relationships. If you're single, it could mean that your status is about to change. If your relationship is in trouble, the cardinal may be a warning that things need to change. I'm not

saying that your relationship with Sydney is in trouble. But if you did walk up to her and you're like, babe, I got a split, saw a bad-ass cardinal outside, got a split, you know what that means? No, but at one point, Sydney's mom told us that it was an omen of pregnancy and my hand turned into a hatchet like T2 and I just chopped the thing in half. So without even thinking about it, it was insensual people. It was just instinct. Yeah, there's a lot of us talking about hurtin' birds in this episode. Well, what are they? That's what they deserve. I'm not, I'm not, I don't mean that, but it's like hurtin' birds. No, Justin, I know when you're, I know when you're being serious and I know that your hand turned into a hatchet and you killed a bird with

it and that's fucked up, dude. I know your joking voice and I know your serious voice and that was your serious voice. Be better, Justin. I don't condone bullying. No, only against birds, right? That's not, that's not applicable to this thing. You can't just say a good thing to counterbalance the fact that you killed a bird with your mercury shifting hand. I'm currently dealing with a dilemma. Is it okay to vape while in a Zoom class? Can I get in trouble? It's not like the professor can get mad at me about it because I'm doing it in my bedroom, but it still feels like there's something morally wrong about whipping the jewel out on camera from everyone. And if it is okay, how do I go about it? Should I try to be subtle or just act like I know what I'm doing? Am I

overthinking this? Vape shy in Vermont? I love that those are the two options. Should I be subtle or just act like I know what I'm doing? I'm gonna, I'm going to vape. I will vape. I will vape. I might chief it and blow it back into bipolar, but I will vape. It is gonna happen. Here's a subtle way you could do it. You could take a bit, like wrap it in your fist, right? So it just looks like you're like, hmm, thinking. And then act like you're taking a drink of water out of a glass and blow the smoke into there. So it like blows out the sides and then just like look at the glass quarterfived and then begin to change into a monster. Okay. Every day I pray, I wake up and I pray that it'll be the day I'll see someone vaping through a mask. And I haven't seen it yet. I just

pray, pray the sweet, sweet Lord above that one of these days I'm going to see it. And I, you know, I go, I drive by the Walmart just assuming that'll be the spot if I'm going to see it, but I haven't seen it yet. But I'm, I'm still holding out hope. And you know, the irony is if they remade the movie, the mask today, he would definitely vape. He would definitely vape. Vaping. He would say that instead of smoking. I hate that I had to explain. I hate that I had to fucking explain that joke to you, to assholes. Vape, why? I wish they would make another rest today. I would love that. That would make me so happy.

Today? Right now? Yeah, he can't get close to anybody. They should remake the mask shot for shot, but nobody can get within six. No character can be within six feet of any other character. He has no respect for social mores, but lots of respect for social distancing. That's fucking great. Jim Carrey plays this like nerdy banker and Cameron Diaz rolls up and stands six feet away from the desk as she does her bank business. And he's like, boy, I sure would like to kiss pretty Cameron Diaz, but I can't because of social distancing. Then he puts on this mask and he's like, I'm going to get within six feet of you. And you're like, dude, that's too crazy mask. Somebody stop me. Not physically.

We're not going to take this. Nobody touch me. Yeah. That'd be badass. B-A-R-T-Y because I'm lonely. Zoom. Zoom suit, Ryan. Oh boy. All right. Boy, I need to go watch the mask. It's an extreme, extremely powerful desire right now. I'll watch. I'll settle for son of the mask, baby. I don't give a shit. Now, honestly, though, don't fuck around with that. Don't joke about watching son of masks because it's got some scenes in there. It goes places. It goes places. There's an extended urination scene.

There's an extended urination scene. There's this scene. It's I just double checked the length on YouTube. It's four and a half minutes long. And it's just the mask lip syncing to too good to be true. You're just too good to be true, right? But he does like a rap version and a country western version. And it is absolutely horrific. Why did they give the Jamie Kennedy mask hair? That's all I wanted to say. And we'll put it to bed there. I cannot believe how little we talked about this incredibly pure and beautiful question of how to secretly vape in Zoom calls. I cannot believe we didn't because you can't just keep turning your video off every time you want to rip it because everyone's

going to I feel very, very self-conscious anytime I have to turn the video off on my thing because I think people are going to assume that I'm fucking cranking a jewel up. That is what I assume when you do it. Can you keep pretending to drop things? Just have a pin on the side of your desk that you keep? Ah, fuck! This damn pin again! Can you pretend like you're on fire? Maybe your garbage can is on fire and you keep dipping down like to check in on it. Like, I think I got it this time, guys. And then there's more smoke. Can you sit down when the class starts and have like a Walgreens prescription bag that you pull your vape rig out of and then you can rip it? No questions asked. If somebody's like, what are you

doing? You'd be like, did you see the prescription bag? My doctor said I need to. This is medicine. And also, I should remind you to save this option is to quit vaping now. There might be, we're starting to see some research emerge about connection between coronavirus being more severe in people who vape. So I do want to just put this disclaimer on here that although we don't really understand the dangers of vaping, it's probably best that you stop vaping. Also, it's just not cool anymore. No, it's that's the problem. It's just cool. It's never been. It's still fucking cool. Now, listen, if you don't do jewel and you do your own rig with your own oils in there, it's probably fine. No, actually, that's what Griffin has just said is inaccurate.

If you're doing it from a big business like jewel, your health is going to be affected. But with your own extremely powerful unregulated rig. Don't let the government regulate your ohms. You are in control of your own ohms. And if you make the fluid at home, you know what's going on. If you empty out your sister's fog machine and dump some apple juice in there and just go to town and vape again. I'm not saying you're definitely in the clear, but you're probably fine. It's probably fine. It's organic at least. At least organic. Organic means things you make yourself, right? It's organic basically. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother, me. We hope you have enjoyed yourself. We've got

some new stickers over at McElroyMerch.com. Not for sale. Justice is bragging about some bad stickers we bought. It's got Squidward. Here's fucking Lightning McQueen. I got one. It's Calvin. And he's pissing on the coronavirus. It's Calvin pissing on a smaller Calvin. It's so cool. That one's pissing. You get the idea. But that's at McElroyMerch.com. I traded some Heathcliff the Cat stickers for some Beyblade stickers. So that's a major glow up. I also want to, if you are looking for some, I don't know, fun video content, you can check out the McElroy YouTube, the McElroy Family YouTube page. We got a lot of fun stuff over there. I think it's real good. There's Monster Factory stuff. You sound like a fucking cop. You say that every time. Maybe I am. If you're

one of those cool teens that likes to skateboard and vape drugs, we have a cool channel for you to watch. Also thanks to John Roderick and Along Winters for these right theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Find that in Fine Music Retailers digitally everywhere. I'm this Thursday, the 14th, I believe, yes. I'm going to be doing a live stream event with Janet Varney where we're just going to be funny for a while. And it's not to raise money for anything or anything like that. It's just a fun time of me and Janet Varney hanging out May 14th, 9 p.m. Eastern Time, 6 p.m. Pacific Time, bit.ly slash McVarney, M-C-V-A-R-N-E-Y. Come watch it and have a good time. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Check out all the great

shows there, like Stop Podcasting Yourself, Switchblade Sisters, and so many more all at MaximumFun.org. Do you guys want that final? Oh yeah. Okay, here it comes. This is the final Yahoo! Answer is again sent in by many, many people. Thank you. It's from Yahoo! Answer's user, Drew, who asks, Is it safe to flush grapes down the toilet? I need to get rid of them somehow. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Let's go air on the lips. Curious technology and a fantastic vision of the distant future featuring Martin Starr. So we're going on day 14. Shuttle still hasn't come. Aparna n'Cherla. The security system

provides you with emotional security. You do the rest. Echo Kellam. Can you disconnect me or not? Hurry, Cundabolu. I'm staying. From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jeffrey McGiver. Could you Cindy Lauper's girls just want to have fun? It's the outer reach. Stories from beyond. Now available for free at maximumfun.org or anywhere you listen.