My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 511: A Big, Beautiful Buick Enclave

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

We cordially invite you to go for a ride with us in Justin’s large, lovely Buick on a one-way trip to Jokesburg! (Provided you’ve wiped your feet, of course. Actually, just lose the shoes entirely. Are those CORN CHIPS? Are you trying to bring CORN CHIPS in this beautiful vehicle? What’s wrong with you?!)Suggested talking points: Justin’s Big Beautiful Buick, First Pickles, Big Doctor/Little Doctor, Sexual Arby’s, Garage Sale Sword Fight

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey, you know how we've been talking about not doing an intro? Yeah. Yeah. Read on me, piss boys. Stop. No, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I've been editing this show for 10 fucking years without complaint. I'm not going to, I simply won't allow this to happen.

Like I can, I'm playing the card that I feel like I am owed for that extra work and saying like that this won't, this won't be a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, but read on me, piss boys. Justin, can you make, Justin, will you talk to him? My name is Justin McElroy, my brother, my brother meets an advisor for the Modular, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm the little rhythm master. I'm a sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. And Travis, can I say something? You're obviously trying to be quiet so as not to wake up a young person. And so like, yeah, there's something even fucking worse about him. It's worse, it's worse, it's worse. Read on me, piss.

It's worse. He's like, he's in my ear. My piss needs riddled. No, that's nothing. Read on me, piss, piss me riddles. We've never really got into what that title means, but does the riddle master urinate in some sort of bowl that then we're supposed to splash around? What's up with that, Travis? When you get the answer correct, I piss a little. Okay, sweet, man. Fuck yeah, let's do it. Now I'm on board. This one was sent in by Jonathan. Thank you, Jonathan. If a chicken says all chickens are liars, is the chicken telling the truth? No, next question.

Well, I'm going to say yes. So certainly we've broken your smell, right? Because he said no, and I said yes. So the smell is broken. One of the correct answers is out there. Answer, chickens cannot talk. That's actually a pretty good riddle. That's actually a good riddle. Is it? Is it? Because that seems like, you walk up to two statues and one statue says, one of us always tells the lie, one of us always tells the truth. And I'm like, oh, I think the one on the right. And you're like, no, fuck you. Statues don't talk. Yeah, bud. That's a good solution to the riddle because it's a little brain twisty.

And Trav, can I say something? This bit is fucking dead and you just killed it because that was a good riddle. And now you're the asshole. Because chickens cannot talk is a good. No, I think I want to call bullshit because if you, if you say if in the riddle, you are creating a reality in which this supposition is true. If then, right? So it would be like me saying, if my Buick got into a car, a crash, no, would it still be drivable? And then you like thought about it. And then I would say, ah, the correct answer is I don't have a Buick. And it's like, okay, but we've already established the framework in which the if is true. Thank you. So the if assumes that the chicken is talking. I don't should say is if a chicken says all

chickens are liars, is the chicken telling the truth? Answer. Chickens cannot talk and you should probably seek help like that. Then then when you've established is I know that you think that that chicken said all chickens are liars, but my friend, chickens cannot talk and I'm worried about you. Can I, can I just dip in here real quick to assuage the audience's fears and concerns and say that, well, you're going to switch the audience's fears and concerns. I'm going to go take a nap. I'll be back in 45 minutes. When do you address all these concerns? Justin does have a Buick. He's always talking about his big, beautiful Buick Enclave. And I know people when they said, when Justin said that, you were like, wait a minute, has he been lying

about his incredible Buick Enclave this whole time? And I just want you to know that was, Justin, say, say, Psyche. Psyche. Thank you. All of that fan art would have gone to waste. Of you riding around in your big fucking Buick, hanging out the big, beautiful Buick. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm at the fan art where people drew Justin as a big, beautiful Buick Enclave. Any fan art in which I am not depicted behind the wheel of my big, beautiful Buick Enclave is actually non-canonical. It is only canonical if I'm in the Buick Enclave with tunes blasting. I got the pedal to the sort of halfway to the metal at a safe speed. You have a cold brew waiting for you at home when you will not be driving.

And that's hard to depict of an object that is that far away. But Juice, one time on Tumblr, I saw you driving a Chevy Cruze and I reported it. I reported and the user, the user was promptly arrested. Yeah, I love driving my big, beautiful Buick. We know. One thing I do is that I leave the passenger side airbag inflated so I can sleep in there because I never want to leave it. Yeah, it's nice. Your family does miss you, by the way. My family should be a Buick. But Sydney called me and told me to ask you to please come inside from the garage. You've just been recording in the Buick and eating in the Buick. Well, does Sydney have a hemi? You know, I haven't asked. Does she go Hong Kong when she talk? No. No.

She get 18 city, 26 highway? No. Is she a mid-sized luxury SUV? No. She's not my beautiful, beautiful Buick Enclave. Travis, what would you say just to guesstimate Sydney's towing capacity is? Is it 1500 pounds? Oh boy. Oh no, not even close. There's no way. Maybe 1200? Just another way in which Sydney doesn't really measure up to the 2020 Buick Enclave. I love my children. But what they don't have is a refined powertrain. That's true. It's going to give you a gentle ride. They have very little space for cargo also. But Justin, can your Buick give you a hug? You're missing the point, Travis. You don't understand, Travis. The Buick has the smart slide second row that makes room for all the big groceries Justin buys every week. Yeah.

Dude, did my kids get called by US News and World Report a car? They did it, right? So no, they're not a car. They're not my big, beautiful Buick Enclave. I guess that's true. The saddest irony is I bought this big, beautiful Buick Enclave to tow my family around. But the Buick Enclave became a found family for me. I have connected myself to it in every available poor hole and sort of a car orifice that it possesses. I am turning myself into a matrix-like human hybrid. Now, it is not a Toyota Matrix, Justin. It is a beautiful Buick Enclave. Right. That's a good point. Thank you. So this is like in lawn mower, man, except instead of connecting yourself to a lawn mower, you're connecting yourself to a car. It's not a lawn

mower. It's a beautiful 2020 Buick Enclave. Now, what if your children asked to get in the Buick with you? Oh, there's a whole delousing process. It's like the Andromeda strain. They have to walk through a sort of antiseptic goo and wade through that. It's a good one. Because I will say about this about the Buick Enclave, the interior stains like hysterically easily. Like I sneezed in there and there's been a sort of beige spot on the passenger seat that I just can't, I just cannot get rid of. Now listen, if my kids want to sit in my big, beautiful Buick Enclave, they're going to have lots of options. There's three roads, first class seating in this bag. Wow. Yeah, with a chestnut interior. I love that. Yeah, it's really nice. It's a beautiful, I mean,

they have so many options, except the option to come into the car and sit in it. They can't sit in Daddy's new wife, is I guess what I'm saying. Oh, okay. But wife is so reductive. Yes. Because it's also like my father. And it's like yourself. This car is everything to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what you can't get with a Buick Enclave? What? Within six feet of me. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I don't get out of the Enclave. Okay. Oh, I see. It's a large, it's a large vehicle, I think. Once the dining room is reopened at McDonald's, I'm just going to drive Enclave straight into it. This is probably a bad time to mention this, but this week's episode is- There's no bad time in my Buick Enclave. Tom has no meaning. Let me open the

sunroof so I can use the included sundial to tell what time it is. And then I'll tell you if it's a bad time for this. This week's episode is sponsored by Ford. Wow, that is uncomfortable. Yeah. I guess we better start. Well, anyway, I've got this new 2016 Ford Explorer. That's really, it makes me want to barf seeing good things about Ford. I can't do it. I really want to do a, I really want to throw up the 2019 Ford Fiesta. Do not throw up in the Buick. No, I would never. It's got this, I can't, guys, I can't stop talking about my beautiful car. It's got a 3.6L V6 S-I-D-I with V-V-T. I don't want to tell tales out of school, and maybe I'll have to cut this out. But I feel like if the, if you're a big beautiful Buick Enclave-

Oh boy, you're saying it makes me happy and sad. Just get it out your mouth. Yeah, the, if it drove right at a 2019 Ford Fiesta, in a parking lot even, you're backing up, you're not looking where you're going. You're going to crunch one of these like a big foot monster car. So this is it. This thing's a tin can. It won't protect your family like the Buick Enclave. The Buick Enclave will die for you and your family. The Buick Enclave. I'm talking about 0% APR for 84 months, guys. These days they're wild. That's a steal, Justin. You're basically taking the Buick from the dealership at that point. And Justin, tell me about the curves and what they do, how they satisfy you. Oh boy, they got, you can get a personalized look. They got enhanced

functionality and utility. There's assist steps if you want to go that route. They got universal tablet holders to rear seat entertainment. All kinds of great options to keep the kids occupied, not that my kids are allowed in it. Right. I don't, I, listen, I don't want to burn myself out talking about the Buick. Cause listen, we have a lot of weeks of us talking about the Buick ahead of us. They got, listen. You buy accessories for this thing online. You're going to get free ground shipping. You know why? Cause everybody at Buick loves driving around the Buick so much, they take it as a, as a delight. As a treat to drive to West Virginia to hand deliver it. Cause that's more time they get in the Buick. I do say, I will say, I know I just set sponsor the idea of moving on,

but I will say I love it when you buy a Buick at the Buick dealership. And every time you do, everybody celebrates because they know how happy the Buick is going to make you. Cause it makes them so fucking happy too. They said, they get, I had a bris the first time, a traditional bris, the first time that I bought a Buick. And then when I came back three weeks later for another Buick, they said, it's time for another bris. Now, wait, and I said, I don't know how we're going to do it twice. That's, I'm, I want the Buick for sure. They said, okay, so you do want the Buick. You can't have a Buick without the bris. That's what I, that's what I have been told. You're just kind of dropped the piece of information, Justin. Do you own two big,

beautiful Buick enclaves? Two in the East Wing. Yes. There are two East Wing Buicks because one was lonely. Okay. Yeah, of course. And I am buying them a son. So there's a third one. A Buick son. Yeah. Yes. It is their adopted son. They, sadly, cannot reproduce independently. I have to buy a new Buick to suit their needs. So I guess just like, I'm fucking disappointed in you for saying you didn't own a Buick. Like, how could you even joke about shit like that? Like, there's nothing funny about Buicks as we've proven. I just, I just love this big, big car. So this is an advice show. And we help people. And here's our first question. Brothers, I am 25 years old. I have a college degree and I have never eaten a pickle. I haven't

been actively avoiding pickles. I've just never gotten the urge to chow down on one of those tiny, crunchy guys. At this point, I want my first pickle experience to be something special. How should I spend it to make my first real picking pickle eating experience something to remember? Keep in mind, I'm allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, gluten, milk, and bees. I mean, the good news. Gimbals. The good news is that none of those things are traditional pickle components. Oh, wait, they say bees. Never mind. Shit. Now, I'm glad they got out ahead of those allergies because my first suggestion was obviously going to be a milk dipped pickle. Yeah, because that is covered in nuts. Cover it. Cover it in nuts.

Now, here's, here's, this is a good, okay, 25, right? 25 years of built up pickle energy. Yeah. You don't want to just like pop open the, the like jar, sit down at your coffee table by yourself, crunch into a flasic, and then just like, I don't know, doing nothing, right? It could kill you. It could kill you. It could actually kill you to do that. But I'm saying like, is that really what you've been waiting 25 years to do? Or is it like we've built, this moment is 25 years in the making. Yeah. How are we going to make sure that you set it apart? Because listen, after this, when you have your second pickle, that can be nothing, right? Your second pickle can be like, oh, it was on the burger and I didn't even notice.

But your first pickle, that's special. Can we, I want to, I want to raise a red flag on this one just to sort of get it out there. You're allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, gluten, milk, and bees. Are you real, real sure you're all allergic to pickles? How confident are you that you're not allergic to also pickles? See, I was going to say that you might not like them, but your point is way better. Yeah. Yeah, you won't like them. They're foul, but whoa. Sorry. Last episode, we talked a lot of mad shit about vegetables and I was willing to let that slide. But pickles are great. Now, not, not whatever those sweet pieces of shit are, but a nice dill, a nice crunchy dill. That's heaven, my friends. I think one thing you could do, make a ruling and that we all have to

abide by. About whether or not pickles are good. Yeah. I like a little pickle, but like when I get served like a whole fucking pickle spear with my sandwich, I'm like, this is wasteful. I just want like a bite of pickle. Okay, okay. Okay, stop the show. Stop the show. I need to talk about this. All right. Oh, I stopped by recording. Isn't it weird as you get to be an adult, there, you learn about this secret class of food and it is between foods that you like to eat and foods that you don't like to eat, right? There's this weird subclass where it's like, I can eat a bit of this food, but too much of this food and I don't like it anymore. That's wild, but I get it, right? Like, I feel that way. You know, the one I feel that way about

mayonnaise. If there's a thin kiss of mayonnaise, I do enjoy the little bit. I go crazy for it. The wet is crazy for it, but if somebody just slops it on there, it starts to make you wonder like, maybe I don't like mayonnaise because it's very present and very assertive in this sandwich. That is one of the hardest things about getting my toddler to eat is she's like, I don't think I like this. And I'm like, oh, what I want to say is like, that's fair. Like, okay, yeah, that's sure. Sure. Human being with thoughts and feelings all your own and it's it's okay if you don't say enjoy. I don't know. Celery, that's fine. It is weird. It's weird. I feel, I always feel compelled to give my kid a pass on like, Charlie wouldn't eat cooked carrots

a few nights ago. And she was like, do I have to eat these? I was like, absolutely not for foul. They're gross. They're so gross. I don't like a cooked carrot. I don't care, Travis. You're not her father as I have to tell you weekly. I don't care how you feel about cooked carrots. I'm just saying I want to pitch this and this is actually this is a pretty good blanket solution to a lot of I don't like food. I don't like ex food or drink questions that we get. And it's you get this is one of those but go on. That's kind of one of those. It's they don't they they're pretty sure they don't like them or else they would have eaten them at this point. They're afraid of pickles. So like, let's start there and move on. You get a big jar of pickles and just that and you go out

bouldering in the lovely picturesque canyons of of Utah State. And then you have an accident and fall in a ravine and get your arm trapped by a very heavy rock that you can't move or free yourself from the situation. And you're going to spend some time there. I'm going to say slightly more than 120 hours. And what's that in your pack? It's it is the big jar of pickles. And after a while, like you are good, you and that jar of pickles are going to be fucking road dogs. Do you think if Aaron Ralston had a big jar of pickles and didn't like pickles and was trapped in that fateful canyon, he would be like, Oh, but I don't like these pickles. He would smash them to the ground. Probably not. He would probably get their nutrients and like them.

What you're saying is you cannot say you don't like a food if you would eat it rather than starve to death. No, I'm not. I'm not putting labels on it. I'm saying this is a good way. And then you get saved by the park ranger or you you do remove your arm with like a credit card or whatever the fuck. And then you you will be so grateful to pickles. Pickles will now be your your favorite food. Five years from now, we get an email like, Hey, I can't stop eating pickles. They saved my life in the picturesque canyons of Utah State. And by the way, did you guys did you guys know if you Google 120 something hours to figure out the name of the movie, you also you will find out it's 127 hours, and you will see the top Google question, which is is Aaron Ralston's arm still

there, which is so cool. I love that. I love the idea of park rangers, like one of them, like they're just like two of them standing under a ravine looking up at this arm, just like, Ah, fuck, I don't know, take your hat off. Can I throw your hat up at it? Nope, that didn't work. Shit. Yeah. I do you think at an hour 126, he started to get sentimental. Like, I'm going to miss this. This hasn't been fun through a lot of it. But I can't believe I've only got one hour left of this. Because he knew he knew he got trapped in there. And within seconds, he was like in 127 hours. The timer starts now. I'm cutting my way out of here.

And you know, if he had made it to 128, he would have won that boulder. I want to dig into I haven't been actively avoiding pickles. I've just never gotten the urge to chow down one of these tiny crunchy guys. I feel like pickles more than I mean, literally any food. Pickles are the food that are like, I opened something getting ready to enjoy it. And a pickle's like, I'm here too. Oh, yeah, everyone. I've already, I already got your so much a little puree, more sound. Come on in. The water is fine. Like the pickle is, I cannot tell you, there are so few foods that I can't think of actually any others where like you get a food and it's coming to you and then you open it. And then a pickle is

like I have, I have also joined. I have come along for the adventure of my lifetime. It is like every restaurant when they were opening, like every accidentally ordered some pickles. That's what I always think when someone like brings you your sandwich and chips and a pickle. It's like, okay, but this wasn't listed in the menu. It wasn't like it comes with a random pic. I see your, the plate has chips. You would not want to forget me. I'd love to insog in some of those beauties. There's just, there's just no way that you haven't had a pickle confronting you. We're just like, I don't know what to do with this weird salty garnish. You don't know what a pickle is and you've eaten a pickle on a sandwich, but you didn't know,

you were just like, that's just wet cucumber. I'll have that salty cucumber. Yes, please. Maybe they watched that funny Rick and Morty episode and they think that the pickle has to be able to walk and talk and have a face and be funny. Is it weird that it's not called Rickle? That's funny too, Trav fucks. Yeah, I know, right? What a generous concept, pickle Rick. Can I do a yahoo? Yeah, I just do want to say there's no fucking chance that pickle Rick is not the new Tony Hawk remake. Just a hundred percent. Right now, definitely happening. Do you think playable character or? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. Like an NPC, you get a quest drum or I've never played Tony Hawk. Pickle Rick, baby Yoda.

I don't know who else. Jared Kushner. Jared Kushner is in there. He's playable. And he's bad at all the tricks. Bad at all the tricks. Fucking Billy Crystal. He's doing crystal enough. Graham Robuck sent this question and thank you, Graham. It's yahoo answers user Savannah, who asks, and this is a good question. How do surgeons remember each step during surgery? Thank you. How do they remember each step when they perform a surgery? Updated one day ago, but sometimes your brain can forget things and you can't always remember everything. Really walking us through the concept of the question there, but taking our hand,

I appreciate that. In the last two weeks, I have baked six loaves of sourdough. Yeah. And each time I have had to check the steps of the recipe. It's fucking same sees with literally everything I cook. I have cooked a curry out of a box, probably close to a hundred times at this point in my life. Every time still though, I get out that box like, how much water you put in it? I should I know it, but I'm so afraid to ruin dinner. And this is like ruining a pancreas or something like a human pancreas. Now, Trav, you said you make six loaves of bread and you still have to look at the recipe. Correct. If a surgeon told me this is the sixth one of these I've done, I don't need to look at

anything. That wouldn't fill me. Six is not like a lot. Okay. If you think about it. Just in counterpoint, if you go in and like before you go in, the surgeon's like, I do need to set up a little like music stand here with some step by steps on it. I don't think you'd be like, cool, cool. Let's do this dog, man. Awesome. Cool. That's why they have the fucking earpiece in. What? You never noticed that? I got a earpiece every surgeon has. And then I got it. There's a boss surgeon telling them the different things they have to do and occasionally ribbled jokes. Oh my God. And the mood is never. Here's the problem. Justin's married to a doctor. I have no idea if this is true or not. Yeah. All right, Dr. Bibbin. It's me, your favorite supporter.

Dr. Bibbin and I'm here on support. And this time I thought I would deliver the steps to you in the form of a very fun rap that I have written. So it goes a little something like this. Tracheotomy, not a lobotomy, cut that throat and cross the moat. That's what I call the river of blood. If you've made a river of blood, clean it up, get it out. They've died. Oh, I skipped a step. Oh, no. That has to be a moment, right? Even if it's like your 300th time performing that surgery that maybe you're like, it's like after you've driven a route a lot of times where like suddenly you're just home and you're like, huh, like. Absolutely not. I hope to fuck you wrong. I hope to fuck you wrong. You know, I know what you're saying, Travis, and like

point taken, but I absolutely fucking literally hope you are 100% correct. Guaranteed. The last thing I need is the dudes like, hey, I know this golf ladder is giving you problems, but I'm putting this bitch on cruise control. That's the thing, right? There has to come a point where like it's an hour later and they're like, I did that one thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, I definitely did. It's a terrible picture you've painted, Travis. If I was a doctor, if I have to drill a hole in my house, in the wall of a house to like put in a drywall anchor or something like that, I check my shit 100, like I will have marked it with a pencil and have the drill bit up against it and stop and be like, let me just do the stud finder. Let me just check this again. Let me

check this again because once I put this hole in my wall, that is going to be a hard thing to undo. I'm imagining me with scalpel on somebody's like arm or whatever, just like, and it is this arm, right? They wanted it on arm. There's something bad with arm. Okay. Imagine waking up, you were like, you were put under for a golf ladder search and now you're waking up for the anesthesia and you're like, how did it go? And the guy was like, you know, I didn't do it. I think I just need a little more time to get ready to just get in the right headspace. We're going to do it tomorrow. I fucking check it out. I'm sorry. I got in there and everything was so wet and wet. It was just bailed. I'm sorry. I had a tutorial up on the YouTube, but our internet's being so weird

today. It was really laggy and I was so and then I got a pop up for like how to make the best pesto. And I was like, I do want to find out about pesto. And one thing led to another and I went down a deep rabbit hole and now you're awake. Oh, let me sew you up. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, shit. But they can't get mad at you. It's like, wait, you didn't know how to take out a golf ladder. And it's like, well, I sure as fuck knew better than like you would have done it at home. Yeah. Like it's definitely better than that. I did a better job than you would have done. It's a thing that like at some point you are some surgeons, let's say third patient. Not their first because like that's scary right there, but they've practiced.

They've done this. They had like their every surgeon has to have their first time without training wheels, right? Yeah, sure. Sure. I guess. But anyways, trust doctors, that is very important. Trust doctors, it is important, but there has to be a first time, right? Here's a here's a fix. No, but we can, I want to talk about this. Okay. The first time, I think basically the way it works is like this. You have a big doctor and there's a little doctor. Right. And at first, the little doctor is like standing on the big doctor's feet and the big doctors holding their hands and doing all the cutting for them, right? Yeah. And then they keep doing surgery after surgery. And then then just one time they like look behind them and they realize that the big doctor is now

in the bathroom. Now they're the big doctor. They slipped away in the night. They're dead? You're the doctor now. They were never alive. Oh, they were actually in this one. In this one, they were guys, but like that's a basic idea. It's basically like the like the bicycle, like learning to ride a bike, like the big doctors holding your waist. And then you are doing the entire surgery and you realize like they let go already and you're just like still doing it. But if you're not ready, then you just kind of scalpel just rip. I can't do it. And then you fast forward to the big doctor walking the little doctor down the aisle and giving them away at their wedding and then their first dance. And once again, the little doctor stands on a big

doctor's feet and they dance. Oh, that's good. Let me hit you guys with this solution to this problem that this Yahoo Answers user has pointed out for us. I think doctors probably forget the steps of surgeries all the time and need cue cards or whatever. And I think one way around that is if each procedure that could be done had just the one doctor that could do it and they're the only they're the only one. So like if you need your tonsils out, they would call Dr. Tonsil, Dr. Tonsil's and Dr. And it's weird that it's a it's a weird coincidence that that was doctor's name. But she would just roll up and be like, Hello, I'm Dr. Tonsil's. I know I look like Ms. Frizzle, but let's get those bad boys out. I've done this 659,000 times. I have a big

sack full of tonsils that I carry around with me. If your heart if you have a heart attack, it'll be like, Oh, call Dr. Heart Attack. And he would roll up and be like, I do the heart heart attack surgery. I think that this is why you have to be unfunny for a moment. Highly trained like nurses and other doctors in the room said that when you skip maybe step six and seven, there's somebody going, Hey, you're gonna tie that off, right? I mean, you probably you were going to you definitely were going to I just wanted to say you're gonna tie that off, right? A bit of a bit of a doubt. Listen, we're not doctors. We have to make our money the honest way around here. We can't rely on. I consider myself a bit of a podcast doctor. Okay, that's

interesting. Oh, you handed me a business card here. Yep. So it says podcast doctor. That's a little bizarre for a while. Let's say doctor podcast, but that was misleading. I'm something of a joke surgeon, aren't I? I get in there with my with my precision and my scalpel. Justin, anything you'd like to add? Just any sort of funny joke. I'd like to say this. Let's go to the money. I'm a comedy anesthesiologist because my jokes put people to sleep. Hey, that's good, Tram. I mean, it's not. I wish they didn't. It wasn't something I was aiming for. I want to tell you about stamps.com. Can you get a little bit of enthusiasm? I want to tell you about stamps.com. Yes. No, this is cool. Do the whole thing like this.

For all our sakes, we need to avoid crowds. Who's this? This is the guy who loves stamps.com. Come up with a name. His name is Roger. Don't say Dr. Stamps. Roger. Yeah. Rabbit. Okay. No relations, spelled different. R-A-B-E-T. Rabbit. And Roger is spelled. This ad sucks. Okay. Okay. Listen, we need to avoid crowds. Listen, listen to me. Listen to me. Are you listening? We need to avoid crowds at all costs. Anyway, we can right now. But what if you need to go to the post office? What if you need postage to send out a letter and package? Don't worry. Stamps.com is here to help. I'm smuggling this message out to you so that you know that Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your own home,

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Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother, all one word, that Stamps.com, enter my brother. Stay safe, my friends. What'd you guys think? Good, man. You got the job. Got me fucking hyphy. I want to tell you about Stitch Fix. It's a box of clothes that will come to your house and you're going to work with a personal stylist who is real and you're going to tell them what looks good on you, what kind of shapes you are. Hey, Griffin, can I give you just a quick note? For my ad, I created a rich fiction of what the situation was, what my character was. You could picture me in a foxhole. But that's your thing. The reason people like me and what I bring to the show is that my guy

doesn't give a fuck. Could you play that up then? I'm saying there's a type of overachiever that really goes for the type of vibe that you're laying down, but then there's a bunch of kind of cool slacker, stoner fucking skeezy weirdo. I think you could slack more then. Could you give me a little more slack, please? Yeah, okay. I'll start over. Oh, clothes. I get it. But Stitch Fix is great for this. You're going to tell a website what kind of shapes you are. Ugh. No, it's cool. It's whatever. And then a personal stylist. And that sounds so like grown up. I get it. But it's, trust me, it's cash. They're going to set you up nice colors, styles, budget, and a $20 styling fee. But it's credited towards anything you keep.

Anyway, there's no subscription required, which is cool because we hate subscriptions, don't we? And they have shipping and returns. So you can get started to... So you can... The shipping and returns and exchanges are easy and free, like everything should be. Listen, because I'm going to get real now. You need to get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother. Let me hold your shoes. And you will get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. You didn't just say 25%. I'll tell you, you're fucking lying. No, I'm not going to say psych on this one. Go to stitchfix.com slash my brother for 25% off

when you keep everything in your fix. Fam, it's just one URL. You got this in you. Stitchfix.com slash my brother. Oh, we all use it. And that we all, I might say we all have personal experience. I'm wearing stitchfix pants right now. Wow. And I'm wearing Travis's stitchfix pants also. What? I'm in this pocket. Oh, hey. Hey. What's up? I'm also wearing your pants. Cool. Hey, Max Funsters. It's Jesse Thorn. This week on my public radio interview show Bullseye, I'm talking with Tina Fey and Robert Carlock about creating unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, and also just kind of why they're the best at everything. There was a window of time when we would just go to awards things and pick up our prizes and party

with the people from Mad Men. You can find Bullseye at maximumfund.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. Just search for Bullseye with Jesse Thorn. Huh? Open your pocket. Oh, okay. I want a munch. Squad. I want to munch. Welcome to Munch Squad. It's podcasts within a podcast. Within a pocket. Within a pocket. This is a throwback munch squad, which is a podcast mini series within a podcast and a podcast where we talk about the real latest because they're very old.

They're very old ads because no one is making new food anymore. The ones that are are depressing and not funny anymore. They used to be very funny. Fast food chains, kids don't remember, but fast food chains used to do silly things and they just do boring things. If I go to one of my old sources, here's the one of the one of the headers. Brewster's Real Ice Cream adds sweet and salty treats to menus, right? That seems fine. Very first sentence of this press release is with the effects of coronavirus, COVID-19, still top of mind, creating new routines and traditions can be restorative. Hey, are you just selling ice cream? Are you because I think you need to calm down. I'm trying to have fun over here with the munch

squad. So we are going to head on back, get in the way back machine, April 16th, 2001. This is from Oliver and I very much appreciate it. Arby's has appetite for adults. This is maybe the sexiest munch squad I've ever done. So hang in there with me. With its adult positioning now established by Arby's is testing an advertising approach designed for mature audiences. The quick service chain is once again tapping the star power of R&B crew and her Barry White. Only this time as a new character, the company refers to as appetite, man. Shit, yeah. Aimed at touting the crave appeal of the chain's menu. Arby's created, see these days we say

craveability. That's how far we've come in these 19 years. Arby's created a character that thought would represent how, quote, passionate, seductive, and discriminating a person's appetite might be. I know what you're saying. Is this the same person that's driving into Arby's? And the answer is yes, it is. The appetite urges you to act on your real desires and not settle for ordinary fast food because your appetite wants the best. They don't finish the sentence, but I'm assuming it ends with thing that is available at Arby's. The best thing that they have on the menu of Arby's. So what better personification of what the company refers to as, quote, passion, love, and seduction than Mr. White? The singer was also a natural choice since

the company already had good results using him in its 99 campaign. This is fucking so wild that someone's like three years after the fact like, can we try Barry White again? And this time we call Appetite Man and that person got promoted. So is the idea that you watch it and his singing makes you horny, but because you're watching Arby's commercial, it's kind of a coin flip of whether you will feel like wanting to have sex with a human being or wanting to go eat a beef in cheddar max. Or both. In this specific situation, I have the only, they describe what the ads they're making for test markets are, right? Okay. And these are, there's only one actual ad that they made with Appetite Man that I could actually find. So we're going to take 30 seconds to listen to that

and then I'm going to describe the other wild ones that they had in store. So here's this first. This is your Appetite Talking and this is a tasty alert. You're not gonna believe this, baby. Right now, five Arby's roast beefs are just $5.95. All that slow roasted beef. So tender, so juicy, and those sauces. That's what you want, baby. Get five Arby's regular roast beef sandwiches for just $5.95, but not for long. If you want to taste it, you gotta be hasty. Give in to your grown-up taste. That's cool. I think that it is nice to know that for under $6, I could potentially permanently halt my entire gastrointestinal process for the rest of my life. Five Arby's, five of those bad boys. Five is, and you're done. Hey, Barry, five is so many. Oh my gosh, it's a lot.

And there is no point in that commercial where he's like, and share them with a friend. Like, it's just for me, I think, to eat these five sandwiches. If I put five of them in me, the organs inside me that make the poop happen would look at each other like, that's it. In the commercials, the soul singer invades people's lives with a Pavlovian timing to personify their hunger pains, first as a voice, then appearing in miniature in the amazed person's stomach. This is so fucking unfair that I don't have the, it's so, quote, there's a little Barry in all of us, says Scott Lipit, exec VP group account director on Arby's. In one spot, a man is driving his wife obviously in labor to the hospital. Suddenly he hears Mr. White say,

hey baby, we're in the mood for something tasty. The expectant father looks down in his stomach and sees Mr. White, who says, this is your appetite, baby. You got to give him the love. The dad to be now asks, but do we have time? The appetite man has the answer, drive through. The spot closes with the wife driving while the husband eats. Wow. Oh, wow. Do you know how wild it is that in this spot, there's a man whose wife is in the passenger seat with a small baby in her stomach. And then this man discovers that a small Barry White lives in his stomach. He's grown up. How is that played out? Do you think what he looks, the fate, like, is it just CGI'd in or is it like Barry White's face is the stomach? It's practical. I bet it's Barry White

in a diaper, just like a big baby Barry White. A second effort takes a direct shot at McDonald's where Mr. White asks, which is very good. Mr. White asks, hey, baby, why are you eating that clown food? Oh, wow. Yeah. Get him. Sick burn, dog. So appetite man is a campaign that I'm guessing they just chicken out on because everything's on YouTube and this is not. So that seems unfair to me personally. So I don't think they ever actually went through with it. Will you read the first line of the presser again? Sure, bud. I'm happy to. With its adult positioning now established. By what? Like what? What the fuck did they do? Did they establish their adult positioning with the headline of this press release or were they doing or they like sex in and up a little bit?

Oh, actually, let's drill down on the first second. Yeah. With its adult positioning now established, Arby's is testing an advertising approach designed for mature audiences. So what what is happening? Are you saying that adults love it so much that we're just going to make sexy ads for adults now? Is that the way it works? If I may take it one step further and go before the comment. Was there a time where people were like Arby's? That's only for kids. That's kid. That's a three quarter pound pile of meat. That's just for kids. Arby's is for kids. That's kids stuff. What kind of grown adult would eat Arby's? Us grownups like thick slices of beef. These tissue paper thin. Give me a slab. What are you talking about? Thanks. I want to find

a food restaurant that sells cigarettes. My five year old nephew, Gordfus, loves Jamoka shakes. Those curly fries too whimsical. They put them around their fingers. That's why they make them curly so fucking kids can do that. I want adult food for a man. Give me some horny food. I have horny adult food cravings and Arby's with its thin slices of meat can't satisfy it. I have a dark passenger crapes, then meaty slabs that I can really bite into. Fucking Mott sticks. It might as well be pacifiers for babies because I'm an adult and I don't eat that kind of shit. Now what's this? Barry White likes it? Well, hold on now. Hold on. If my favorite singer, if my favorite singer in 2001, Barry White likes Arby's, maybe he wouldn't throw in with

some fucking kid food. This is food for grown adults. I trust him. He knows sex. This is a passion project by Mr. White, emphasis on the passion. There are lots of places to fuck this. Look at it. Put it anywhere. Barry, that weighs a stick to the coffee, Barry. Listen, when you stack up this many slices of delicious roast beef, the odds are somewhere on it, it will look like genitalia. All right, Barry, if you could just read, it's the guy's driving his wife to- I got one of the sesame seeds from the buns right in my pee hole. That's not sexy. Baby, I don't know. Slather it up. Slather that up in horsey sauce and- oh, nope, the tanginess of the sauce does not feel good. No, Mr. White, please. It just says drive through,

baby. Let me rub your feet in au jus. Okay, now you're actually doing that to me? Oh, yeah, baby. Mr. White, I am very comfortable. Sexy Arby's food. Arby's is still for adults and kids alike, and I really appreciate them sponsoring this episode. It's a co-branded episode between them and Buick. No, we couldn't get Buick. Couldn't get Buick. I would fucking put a stick of dynamite in my car and blow it up and never have it again to eat one beef and cheddar right now. I'm looking at a picture- I'm confronting an enormous picture of one right now. I have a cheap kill-bill replica sword. My friend got me at an anime convention a few years ago, but due to neglect slash terrible craftsmanship,

it has started to fall apart. It's not sharp, but it is a real sword. Are swords recyclable? Is there something better I can do with it? That's from Katana Katie. What kind of maintenance is one supposed to be doing to the kill-bill sword that their friend got them? Because I have- Sword oil. Oh, I have not been doing that. That's one thing you learn about being an adult, is that almost everything that you take, like anytime you start googling about how to, almost every adult thing requires some sort of regular oil and lubrication that nobody's doing. Yeah. There's a really narrow window in your life where being allowed to have a sword and wanting to have a sword are happening at the same time. Because when you're young, of course,

we all wanted swords. I would ask, we would go to anime conventions, by which I mean almost exclusively Mid-Ohio Con, every year with our dad. And I would say, father, father, will you buy me one of these big cool swords? And most of the time, the answer was no until I was old enough to get a sword. And he got me a replica buster sword from Fountain Fantasy, which was unwieldy and difficult to use. But then I did get high once and chop a watermelon with it and forget to clean it. I forgot about that. It got sticky and rusty and bad, but then also I didn't want swords anymore. So I threw that in the garbage can. Like I threw it in a dumpster. The answer is the only way to throw away a sword is a dumpster, illegally dumping a sword right in there. I would

worry that if that happened, someone might find it and use it in a murder. Oh. And there's my prints all over it. All over it and your watermelon. And I would say you would have to melt it in some kind of ceremonial fire. That's cool. And then maybe forge a new sword for your children so that they can carry on your, you know, wondering, warrior ways. I know people are probably wondering, was it the coolest fucking thing you've ever seen when you cut a watermelon all up with a buster sword? And the answer is yes, it's unimaginable. We did it indoors in a kitchen. It was so fucking rad and the best thing I'll ever do in my whole life. And it's bad to have peaked at like 20. Is it advisable, Griffin? Like if somebody right now is eyeballing that watermelon they

got from the store and their buster sword replica, would you recommend that they do it? This was my, I want to say sophomore year of college, which means I was terribly high. There was no part of this. You hear me, you hear me say, I cut up a watermelon in a big omni slash in our kitchen with a replica, very, very heavy buster sword. And you think, well, that's only the kind of thing that a very high person would do. And then you think, uh-oh, but they shouldn't be. How many people were around you, Griffin? Everyone was around me. I'm not, I knew it was a one time thing. Everyone was around you. Okay. Yeah. They were supporting me. They all had a hand on me as I did it, channeling, carrying energy into me. Melt it down is a good

one. And you can turn it into something like weak. And then you're fine with about the murder part of things. That's fair. Just take it to goodwill and be like yelling a sword. They probably will say yes. Fuck yeah. Yeah, we'll take it. Take a sword. Should I have a garage sale? And it's just a folding table with one sword on it. When someone does the body, you're like, oh, I can't, I can't just sell this to you. That I can't sell. You have to prove yourself. Worthy. Let me get the owner. And by the way, they're yelling this at you from six feet away. So you just sort of arranged this so people could come and look at your sword? Well, prove you're worthy. I'm charging a mission, by the way. You owe me $15. Now, the stuff for sales in the garage,

but you gotta get past me first. Go get your, so go home and get your sword. We'll cross blades. Oh, shit. Is yours a real Atari Hanzo? Fuck. Yeah, it is. I got some cool VHSs in there that are going for a fucking song, man, but you do have to duel me right here from six feet away, which is going to be tough, man. One of you, one of you, bro. Go outside. Go outside of your yard. Get a big fake rock. Okay. Jam the sword down into the big fake rock. Now, are you just assuming that in my yard, there are big fake rocks? Yeah, Travis. You buy a big fake rock. Oh, okay. Why would there be, if it's in your yard, it's a real rock. Yes, that's what I was going to say. A big fake rock. You jam a sword into the big fake rock. You wait for people to pass by.

They see a sword in a big fake rock. Of course, just human nature. You have to try to see if you're the one. Yeah. So they go to remove the blade from the rock and guess what they've discovered? Just a moment too late. Oh, no. Just the wrong moment. One second too late. You've fallen in my trap and you've touched the jelly I put all over the sword handle. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Now you're like, what do you have on your hands? Excuse me. I'm going to sue you. I have jelly on my hands. Why do you have a jelly on your hands? Is it trying to take the sword out of the stone? Well, that's fucking idiotic. You're the idiot. You got jelly on your hands, you wear that, you own it. That's my sword. It's in my yard. It's my sword. You don't have the right to take

a sword that's mine on my property. Would you just walk up and try to take my bird bath to see if you're the one? No. I bought this house to try to give myself time to get strong enough to pull the sword out of the stone and you think you're just going to walk up here and take it? That's why you have a jelly. That's why there's little bees all over you right now. They're swimming around your hands waiting for them up in a strike. Now, do you want that sword? Because I will sell it to you. Now you've bought it and your prints are all over it. No, you know what? I'll say this. Go and try again. And if you can pull it out, you're right. You got jelly again. Why? And you fell for it. I knew there was jelly on there. You knew there was jelly. Thank you so much for listening to our

podcast. My brother, my brother, and me. We hope you have enjoyed yourself here. We've certainly had fun chatting with you. If you are so inclined, you can head on over to McElroyMerch.com. We've got a t-shirt with our new art on it, t-shirt with our old art on it to protest our new art. We have some fun summer magnets and there's still, let me just check a few left of our 10th anniversary commemorative plate. So you do want to get, get, I can't even. It's tough to even. It is there. I'll just say it's there. I'll just say it's there. I also want to say, if you go to, this is just a little secret between friends, between you and me. If you go to theadventureszonecomic.com, you can pre-order the Adventure Zone graphic novel book three pedals to the metal. It is,

and I'm not just saying this, our best one yet is absolutely gorgeous and good and you will like it. And it is coming out in July. So don't wait. Pre-order it now. Theadventureszonecomic.com. Thanks to John Rodger and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Great tunes, man. Crank them up over the cooler that you have by yourself outside and at a safe place. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there, including The Outer Reach, a new narrative podcast, a short, short engagement, limited engagement. That's really, really slick. And yeah, y'all want that final? Yes, please. It was sent in by Nicole. Thank you,

Nicole. It's from Yahoo Answers user Krabby who asks, what is the next big ring pop flavor? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, me, Kiss Your Dad. Just go wear on the lips. Maximum Fun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.