My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 519: The Grandma Tesseract

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

The stakes are awfully high this episode, both for the continuation of our podcasting empire and also for the many cigar-laden orphans Travis has taken under his wing. Did we mention the MaxFunDrive is on, by the way? No presh.Suggested talking points: Mr. Reggie Bigshot, One Chance Trick Shorts, Knife Improvements, An Intolerable Bitcoin Segment, Creamy Creamz, Mall JobsMore resources on anti-racism and fighting police violence: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Consider becoming a supporter of the MaxFun network: https://maximumfun.org/join

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm a Hollywood hitmaker, Griffin McElroy, the youngest brother. Well boys, just got back from another meeting with the producers and director.

Of our podcast? Of our podcast. They have some big notes, especially as they're heading into Max Fun Drive. Last week, it was my heel turn. This week, they want more storylines. They said not enough storylines. Some more, it could be behind the scenes, it could be in front of the scenes, it could be in the middle of the scenes. Well, this is great news because I've just become like a sexy doctor. Like I've just become a sort of sexual doctor. That feels like two different things, Griffin. A sexy doctor versus a sexual doctor.

Well, I don't know. Okay, so yeah, that's good, Travis. I don't like diagnosing, give medicine to help people sexual. Do you know what I mean? It's just like my body looks good and all the patients are like, please. And I'm like, I can't. I am happily married. But I'm also, I'm pretty darn good at it. Like I can do an IV. Oh my God, guys. I had to get some blood work done yesterday, not COVID related. Do not sweat. And I'm going to continue to sweat as your brother because I don't know why you got blood work done. Yeah, just for fun scenes? It is an allergy panel. It's like the nerdiest imaginable

like reason to get blood work done. Any who, the person who was taking my blood was quite chatty and that's their prerogative. I'm not here to, you know, shame them for that. But they were doing a lot of characters. I'll say they were doing a lot of skit work, let's say. And at one point they were looking for my vein and they said, that's a nice big juicy vein. Gonna get a lot of blood out of that and started to do a vampire thing. And like for the remainder of, from the moment the needle entered my arm until the moment I left the room, she spoke in a vampire voice. And she did, I swear to God. And it was one of the top five worst things that's ever happened to me because can you two imagine a more sort of hostage

scenario than having a needle in your body and you just can't, you can't move. And also they're going to try out some new SNL audition tape tactics on you. This is the difference between Griffin and I because Griffin's, Griffin's, let's say fear here, Griffin's discomfort comes from him seeing this as this person trying out new material on him, where I would be thinking like if I was a vampire, the job I would get would be drawing blood from people. And so who's to say that this isn't the reveal, this isn't the prestige. I don't know how, that's, it's a fair point Travis, but like I can actually not imagine a worse job for a vampire because you're gonna be so tempted by this shit. And I hope that this lab has their shit on lock enough that like if blood

goes missing, yeah, like it's, I want, I want my stuff on the book somewhere. I only have so much blood. And maybe they just take a little bit extra, you know, the juice is running and in this case, the juice is your blood. Sure. The juice is also running on the Max Fun Drive, which we're going to talk about a little bit later on this episode with this Max Fun Drive has very chill vibes. That's the feedback we've been getting is a lot of people say that like when we ask for money, it's like going on a beach vacation, which is so cool. And if you want to join the network now, go to maximumfund.org slash join, look at all the different reward tiers that you can give at on a monthly basis and think about supporting the show and the network as a whole. So go to

maximumfund.org slash join. It's me, the head of the network, Reggie Big Shot. I heard you need a little drama to spice things up. Boy, here's some for you. Sorry, the cigars are catching up on me. Please say that again. They're catching up on you? Catching up on me. Listen, that's not the point. My personal health, there's not the point, kids. No, but I am worried about you. Are you okay? I love you. I loved it when you were going to bring it at the beginning and the old days of m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m. I loved it, the farm jokes. You did a lot of blue stuff about lots of different marginalized groups of people. I loved that. You gave us a lot of positive feedback. I'm not so

crazy about the new stuff. And honestly, boys, the well's running a little dry. So here's the deal. If you don't raise enough in this Max Fun Drive during this episode of m-m-m-m-m-m, you're out. All right? Okay. You are, but then put skit. Listen, let me finish. Travis, let him fucking finish, Trombol. Trombol, you let me finish. Thank you, Greedo. Listen. If you don't raise enough money in this episode, remember, bam, your c-put. People gotta go to maximumfund.org, slash, join. And they got to push back and save our show. Save your show, my show. Law and Order, POD, C-A-S-T. But how I made my bajillions, that show is fine. It's in its 30th season and so that my shows is not dangerous.

Your show that's on the ropes. Now, but Mr. Big Shot, if our show. Please call me Mr. Reggie Big Shot. Mr. Reggie Big Shot, if you were to cancel our show, then who would take care of all of these orphans who I have dubbed Travis's kids that come to my. He's got a grip of orphans, Mr. Reggie Big Shot. Yeah, they come to my community center every day

and I teach them about driving. He's teaching these seven and eight year olds how to drive, Mr. Big Shot. And I mean, all fours are like not just driving cars, but like driving golf balls. Forklift. Yeah, driving people crazy. I'll put them to work.

You don't need to worry about that. I'm gonna turn them into human human doors. For more. Wait, you would cut them open and store cigars inside? No, if you put, there's nothing better for the temperament and tenor of a fine cigar than the pocket of a young child. I have, it's gonna collapse.

So I load up their dungarees and their Levites with all my premium smokes and then let them sit in a very humid room. And it is how you get your friend a cigar flavor. I'm so sorry to interrupt, Mr. Reggie Big Shot, but people. It's all right, grown to some warming up together. And people just let you do that? Well, if your show's canceled,

they're billy, no one just stopped me. That doesn't knock me through that. Griffin and Justin and I are the only people stopping people from using children as human doors. Who's Justin? He left. You know him as Jumbles. Wait, why would Jumbles not be in the show?

The real star. He left the room. He gets scared whenever Reggie Big Shot goes. Every time I come in, he hides under a table like we're doing a nuke drill back in my childhood. He's under the table right now. Just piss at his pants. He's under the table and dreaming.

Ta-da, bye, bye. Mr. Reggie Big Shot. Now, Mr. Big Shot, you know we have to pay for that now. That's $55,000, Mr. Reggie. You don't have to pay for it. It's diagetic. It came from the tiny Dave Matthews that lives in my shirt pocket.

Oh, hey. I do know about the sickness. I thought that was a cigar. It is. I do know about the sickness you did get, Mr. Reggie Big Shot, because you were on the boat that they dump to the Dave Matthews Bandukee on too. And that's sort of like your origin story.

That's why you are the way you are. I just wanted to say that I'm like hugely in love with you. And can you please describe exactly what you look like? Me? Yeah. Oh, OK. All right. Just me.

Imagine four cans of paint stacked on top of each other. Fuck yeah, OK. Each one of those is like one of my legs. All right. And then on top of that, imagine a big old. Oh, just to clarify, sorry to interrupt. Segmented leg done? Yeah.

Do you have segmented legs like a cockroach? They're annihilated. OK. Then imagine a big old crusty sourdough loaf that's got a little bit rugged. That's my choice. You liked that. Yeah.

Like living my life. Can I say my favorite thing about you, Mr. Reggie Big Shot, is that you seem to be feeling yourself a lot. Yeah. You've got a lot of sexual energy coming off just your confidence. Your confidence is very attractive. He's crying under the table.

He's under the table and crying. For ever. I am. I'm feeling my sexy. It's been a great few months for me. Oh, has it? Surprisingly. What's new?

What's been going on? You know all the bad stuff that's been happening? It's all been good for me in ways that are hard to explain. Well, try. We'll try. Are we out of time? My head looks like Charles Groden's head. It's like one for one?

Just one for what? No, one for 1.3. Distorted in all the wrong ways. Like in a carnival mirror. Like a beautiful carnival mirror of hatred, yes. So wait, just to be clear, it's like Charles Groden. If Charles Groden was fueled by hatred and slightly distorted. The marketing says your people love Charles Groden stuff.

That is true. We've got a lot of grotties in here. A lot of, well, familiar. Listen, I'm watching the donation counter. It's going down. You're not enticing anyone. Oh, no, people are can't. They're not canceling or they're leaving the family.

That is in your parlance. Listen, the point is this. If I don't see those numbers where I need them to be, you're going to start putting cigars into children's pockets. I think Richard Richard Belzer wants another pay bump. So is he alive? Let's check that. Let's double check that.

It will get our fact checkers on that. Don't worry about that. Just real quick. Orphans. Yeah, Richard Belzer is fine. He needs a pay bump and the rest of the cast of law and order POD, CAST, what they'll want to meet it. So listen, get the numbers up or you'll kill Richard Belzer.

Get the numbers up. Good enough. I'll let you meet Christopher Maloney. I know I've been saying that he's too busy to meet with you. And he is, but I'll cover out sometime in his schedule. It's a nicer word. I like to do to carry it in the stick. So the stick is your canceled second prize.

First prize is Chris for Maloney. OK, second prize is your canceled. Yeah, we'll make that happen. I says you're not just talking about like you're going to buy a cameo of Mr. Maloney, are you? No, he's made Chris will make time for me. I don't know if it's sweetens the pot at all, but I will trade you three orphans for like 10 minutes.

Hang out with Chris for Maloney. No, I've got plenty right now. I'm stocked up. So don't sweat it. But then why would you take my orphans for human doors? Listen, listen, I got to get out of here. Oh, it's been a pleasure. I'm kind of turning into Beetlejuice a little bit.

So I got to listen. I got to go. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Hey, you know what? I miss him like it's weird when he was here. Like I didn't he didn't go down the he didn't go down the stairs. He just shut the door. He's listening.

There it is. OK, great. He kind of he stood there for us, says he fell. He tripped a little bit, which is kind of does confirm my suspicions that he was quite drunk during his appearance on this show. Should we do questions? Yeah, that would be nice. I was I was kind of enjoying just, you know, free form a little bit.

But I'd love to I'd love to get it. You know, now, just as right, fuck this show. Now the show can begin. Also, my throat hurts. I have a trip planned once things return to normal to go on a mystic. Once things return to the new normal, yeah, to go on. Once we establish a new society, yeah. Once to go on a bachelor party on a houseboat.

As a prank, we have purchased a dissolving swimsuit. However, we are at a loss as to how we can get the groom. To wear it in the water without becoming suspicious. What should we do? That's from Bear Bummer, Canada. Well, good news is you're probably giving yourself, I don't know, 36 months head start on this show. We'll get the whiteboard out and we'll we'll start devising an intricate

an intricate plan. Now, I am going to say I have not done any research into this. Perfect, right. But based off of things I know about things that dissolve, I'm willing to bet that perhaps the quality of material of this swimsuit may be noticeably different. Dead giveaway situation. Yes, standard swimsuit material.

Not I'm going to live in fear every time I enter a body of water that I have been pranked. And now my meat and two veg is about to pop out and that is no good. I do think what it boils down to is of of top of my head presence to give. I can think of I got you this swimsuit. Is it's a real left fielder. That's a real curveball, as they say. I can think of maybe two friends of mine.

But if they got me a really cool looking swimsuit. But even then, if I was a company that made dissolvable swimsuits, I don't think I'd put a lot of time into the design process. We got a strike gifting the swimsuit like that's not going to work. And so now we're getting into a scenario where you have to steal all of his swimsuits. And then when it's time to swim, you're like, oh, don't worry, you can borrow my pair.

Actually, that's it. That's a fucking great idea. And that's going to work. You can borrow my paper fin like parents interest. Hey, it's the only one we got. Do you want to get in the fucking river or not? I that is what if your friend is like, I'll just swim nude. You guys have been talking a lot of shit, and now I'm going to give it to you real.

OK, dissolving shorts, stag do holiday party, bachelor joke, prank, swim, short. We're going to head on over to eBay. OK, the world's largest haunted doll repository to talk about what is depicted in this image as the original prank short. This is coming to us from a seller called Stag Do Shorts. And the only thing they sell is dissolving shorts. That's a cool business you made. It's a cool business they made.

There are copies of our item being sold on the web. Please be careful. You only get one chance at this, which is so true, which is so true. Oh, I can't one chance to prank short. You do it once it burns his dick off. It's like unfortunate. Fool me once. Shame on you.

I will try again. Jump in again. Prank your mates with these shorts once in the pool, a chemical reaction between the special thread and the water dissolves the thread, making the shorts just come away at the sides, leaving your friend naked in the pool. Huh, shorts can be worn as normal, but within seconds of being in water, the phone starts, watch your friend's face go from confused to embarrassed as he scrambles to cover up.

All you need to do is hide your friend short. Best done before you get to hotel. All of them your spare pair and it's all set. Try my full lifeguard set. Make your victim the pool lifeguard. Oh, no, I'm seeing same will happen. No, other listing. That's a fucking that's a fucking wild way of doing it.

Yeah, what a high risk scenario. Bachelor pool party. Hell yeah, not you, Dylan. I know it's your special time, but you got to be the lifeguard. That's what you do when a group of friends go swimming. Someone's got a lifeguard. Yes. Now, I am watching a video of this happening. Oh, Trav. Trav.

And it's this poor man appears to be in the middle of a hotel, like a very public place. Yeah, as his clothing is actively failing him. And I would say that this goes very quickly from oh, he's got kind of a smirk on his face when it's happening to I'm going to get arrested. I'm in a public place and my all my bits are going to be out. We should probably make it clear.

The three of us are having a lot of fun here. This is a sort of ethically reprehensible and genuinely should be a legal sort of thing. And you shouldn't get your friends' privates out as a joke. Yeah, that's that seems like that's we're all on the same page. I didn't want people to write in and be like, so you like this particular sort of like this. No, it's inappropriate to get anyone's bits out without their

explicit consent. I will say they have to have a few more safety recommendations here. Oh, what? And I will mention first off is this, that the end, it says, keep dry, which, yes, iron on iron on cool with no steam. Why the fuck am I ironing these on what? For formal dissolving shorts occasion? Hey, try on these crisp, crisp shorts.

Try my crisp pleated shorts. Do not let your ma'am wash them to make them nice for you going away. Yes, this happened. Did it? If the in the unlikely event of a problem with the shorts, they must be returned for inspector. That's a cool gig. Yeah, these shorts didn't fall apart. I'm a failed dissolving shorts inspector.

I love it. You got to throw these away. I'm watching the same video that Travis is watching, and it's just kind of a bummer, right? Just all of his friends laughing and it's like, get it, you're dick. And he's like, yeah, I guess so. This YouTube video is I'm now looking at a man's whole balls on YouTube. I didn't know you could do that on YouTube. Yeah, don't do this.

Don't do this thing. That's actually the easiest option. I'm glad we all got there together. Can I do a yahoo? You know what would be fun? What's I wear them? And under those, you have another slightly smaller pair of swim trunks that say, like, happy bachelor party, Derek.

Not today, friend. But even that's that's an even longer walk, isn't it, Travis? Because it's like you have to make them think you're wearing dissolving swim trunks, which they may not know is a thing. So that's a hard sell. It's just like, boy, I hope these don't dissolve when I get in the water. Like some swim trunks are named to you. Have you guys heard about those dissolving circles?

These aren't them, right? You guys would tell me, right? These aren't my normal swim trunks, but do they feel funny? Here I go, cannonball. Oh, no, I'm going to get I feel terrible. I can't believe you. My friends would do this to me when we're here to celebrate Derek's nuptials. How could you?

We're all just trying to have a good time and you're trying to expose my genitals without my explicit consent. Look at this, Derek, and gotcha. Gotcha. My peepee's not out. Nice try, though. What are you talking about? You pranked yourself, Chris.

Yes, and I almost had me. Here's a here's a yahoo that was sent in by several folks. Thank you, everyone who sent this in. It's yahoo answers user Josh, who asks, what's next for knives? Yes, knives are completely useless in this new age of guns and drones. In my opinion, they are going to have to change the designs of knives and add interesting and useful new features to compete with guns and drones. What do you think is the next evolution of knives?

I enjoyed this question more before I read this additional information because I like knives more in the abstract rather than as hurting, hurting tools, tools for hurting. I would also argue that knives still do things that guns and drones don't do. Oh, sure. Yeah, stab for one. Yeah. Cut. Yeah. Point.

Poke. Poke. That's a that's about a slash slice. I mean, that's about it. No, you like you use it to, you know what? If you are a person who is lost in the wilderness, it's a lot easier to use a knife to like cut down stuff for shelter than a drone or a gun. Yeah, a gun. Totally. I think if you were ordering them,

knife would be easiest to cut down some branches, then gun, then drone. In that order, I think that the issue here is if you if they want to make cooler, bigger, better gun, they can just make a bigger gun. Problem with knife, you make a knife too big. But it's a sword. That's a sword. So it still does need to be a knife.

That's not proportion, though, isn't it? Hmm. Oh, you're saying if you're a bigger person, if the hilt is also gargantuan, then you could still say that it's a knife. Yeah. Or you could have if Paul Hogan's around. You could if he says it's a knife, he gets to indicate basically what's not a knife and what is a knife. He's really busy. Yeah, he is pretty busy.

I you know what I like, you know what I like when they have those knives that do other things, but they're not just knives. It's like here's knives in here and also it's a bottle opener. And also it's got like a little wrench in there. That's fun to me. But maybe they take it further and it's like it's a knife and it's a sandwich. Right. Or like it's a knife. Oh, God. Oh, wait, this is topical.

Let me try again. Can I try again? Yeah, please. It's a knife. The knife sandwich thing was pretty stupid. OK, but let me try. Let me try. Let me try again. This is really topical with a lot of viral stuff that's been going on on the internet right now. So. OK. It's a knife, but then you got to pick it up.

It's cake. What? OK. This is actually a perfect thing. Is it? Yeah, this is a perfect time for me to stop the entire show and I missed it, the thing that the inception of it. And I only caught the aftershocks of that particular meme. And it has before I couldn't piece together that it was some sort of meme.

And I thought I was kind of losing it for just a little bit. So what's going on there with that? Go ahead and walk me through that, please. Well, it all began. That sounds pretty boring. Are you sure you want him to do that? If he could do it in 12 seconds, it began with a viral video where it's like, oh, this looks like a roll of toilet paper. No, we're cutting into it. It's cake.

This looks like a bottle of lotion. Oh, we're cutting into it. It's cake. But at no point did they say, look at this, it looks like cake. No, it's actually a roll of toilet paper. That would have been way more impressive to me. That's true. I can wipe my butt with a cake. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop the podcast. I'm going to stop the stopping the podcast to say Griffin.

Walk me through that real quick. I don't want to. Fuck. You this this episode in particular has been like, here's a funny, awesome, bad ass thing that I just said. And you're like, show your work. Fuck that. I think we've danced around what's next for knives and what we can do as sort of knife innovators.

Sharper, I think you're you eventually you reach a sort of like atomic like limit there. Like a sort of like you can split an atom. Right. And that's dangerous because those motherfuckers are all over the place. So second like a second blade. But oh, I've got it. Like a but but running perpendicular to the first blade

or like coming out the side of the hilt or back on the back like you're like you're the freaking the guy, the gentleman from Phantom Menace. Yep. Mr. Mr. Maul, I believe is Mr. Maul, Dr. Maul. Lord Maul, Esquire. I knew he was a Zabrak, but I couldn't remember his name. That's fucked up.

Now, I let me pitch this. And I'm going to picture it, try to describe it. And I don't understand how the inner workings would, you know, work. But imagine a tube, right, and you load the knife into it. And it is pressurized in some way that you can release that pressure and the knife shoots forth from the tube and buries itself into whatever you're pointing it at. I mean, I'm again, I was more thinking about kitchen innovations,

but I have had some trouble with sweet potatoes that I imagine knife gun would help me out with. Damn, you think whoever invented the bayonet was like, I'm going to take the rest of the year off. This is the best. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, check it out. You know how we since we got gun and like we just been sort of rolling over, like Hulk may has been going wild since we got gun,

but we all kind of still miss sword. Check the fuck out. I did a kick ass job today. I enjoyed that in the movie, The Old Guard. Do you guys see that flick with Charlize Theron and a bunch of other people in it? No, no. Yeah, it was good. And they they they've been alive for a very, very long time

and they're very good at murder. And they always bring gun. But then also acts is with them. They bring the acts to and it seems weird sitting and pointed out like gun can't do everything they need to do. They need acts still to to come to come to the party. I wonder if it's kind of like a security act, like it just makes you feel better, I guess. Well, if gun acts up and turns against you,

it's like a little old lady who used an axe to chop up all her guns. Exactly. There's not a lot of moving parts in acts. You know, there's not a lot of points of failure for acts. Gun, who even knows how that one knows what the fuck's going on in there? It's like a computer stick, heavy part, sharp edge. Done. We love it. You know what I love? What's that juice? The Maximum Fun Network and our extended podcasting family.

Got it. This is the Max Fun Drive, where I know it's weird. That's the subtitle. I know it's weird. It's been weird for months. It's not less weird now, but if and basically it works like this. The shows that you listen to on the Maximum Fun Network are funded and made possible by you. And I know that you probably hear that a lot on like NPR or whatever.

It is very true. Our maximum fund is 100 percent directly true. On NPR, they're fucking lying. Lying. They are. Thank you. Yeah, they're not. They're they're fine. But some of them might be. We don't know. Some of them might be.

But we we rely on you to pledge a few bucks a month. If you like the stuff that we do or other shows of the network do, please consider joining. Maximumfun.org forward slash join is the link. They have tiers as low as like five bucks a month. If you can pledge five bucks a month, you get like a bajillion hours of bonus content. It's absolutely buck wild.

And if if you can join at $10 a month, you can get a Max Fun Membership card and a cool pin and all the bonus content. So it's a very it's a very tantalizing offer. And it really. I can't actually express to you how important these donations are to our way of life and to being able to make the show as our job and do all the other stuff that we do. It is all possible thanks to people that that are joining the network

and and helping support these shows. And I really I can't thank you enough. It it honestly means the world to us. We have a lot of fun here, but it is it's a big deal. Yeah, I just said it. Maximumfun.org slash join. I don't actually know if you said the URL, but click on the link of my voice and go to maximumfun.org slash join and look at the different pledge levels

and help us out if you can. How about another question? Can you know, I love that. Thank you so much. Now, I was about to it's so funny. I was about to say it and then you can I get a can I get a hand on the ball? Yeah, Trev. Yeah, I desire another question to be delivered to me upon a platter of gold.

It can never just be the thing. The finest questions. No humanity. Bring me up a spoke question. My mom texted me today and said she wanted to get into Bitcoin. She asked me whether it was a good investment and she started small. I don't know why she wants to get involved with this stuff. And I'm pretty sure Bitcoin is a scam.

My question is, is it ethical to help my only mother invest in investing cryptocurrency? And that's from crypto skeptic. All money is a scam when you think about it, guys. Go off. Because it's all just made up bits and boops. Bullshit. Oh, this piece of paper is worth this much medal off. Go off. It's fucking nothing.

That said, I think Bitcoin is even more so. Bitcoin is absolute. I mean, yes, but OK, I can answer some of these questions. I know the exact right time to get into Bitcoin was three months ago. Every single time at any point in history, the right time to do it was before you ever started. Doing it right. So so that that is that was a challenge.

Bitcoin is one of those blind spots for me where. If someone who was older came to me and said, so Justin, what is the deal with Bitcoin? I feel like I would have to just sort of freeze in this and remain perfectly still and silent until they thought I was something was wrong with me and they left the room because that would be so complete would be my ignorance that I think it would lower my stock sort of permanently in there.

Like when their internet broke, right, they wouldn't come to the J-Man. They wouldn't listen to my recommendations on TV shows like any of that. And the problem is, is even if you were able to explain it to them, they would believe you less. It would they would it would seem more like you were fucking with them than if you just stood there silent like a statue. Because the truth is, base Bitcoin basically boils down to I'm going to send you a JPEG

and I'm going to tell you how much that JPEG is worth. Then someone else is going to say, hey, give me that JPEG. And then I'm going to tell you how much that JPEG is worth. It's it's it's all based on like perceived. I'm actually feeling more calm. Listening to you talk makes me feel more confident. Yeah, right. I actually try to thank you. I do feel like thank you for cheering me up.

I do feel better listening to you try to explain. That's all it is. It's all perceived as a desperately clutch at any sort of cognizant thoughts about Bitcoin. No, I stand by it's perceived value because the irony is as we these three goobers sit here and even just say every time we say the word Bitcoin, Bitcoin becomes a little more valuable. It's just it increases a little bit because it's like I've heard about Bitcoin.

That's something right. That is something that is all it is. I get your mom into it now. She'll be rich in five days. I heard through the grapevine about the very serious Twitter hack that happened last week where a bunch of different big accounts got got and those big accounts did ask people to send them Bitcoin. And it's bad. It's a terrible it's a terrible invasion of privacy

and given Twitter's sort of global political importance. I guess that's like a harrowing thing. But I do just want to dial in that this probably did work on some people. Some people were successfully bamboozled by this. And I do wonder if Barack Obama's tweet, President Barack Hussein Obama, people forget about Hussein. It's important to me if he got anybody with I am giving back to my community due to COVID-19, all Bitcoin sent to the address below will be sent back doubled.

If you send back $1,000, I will send back $2,000. Then there's the Bitcoin link. Then President Barack Hussein Obama said, only doing this for the next 30 minutes. Enjoy. The H1 really gets me. Why does Barack have all of this Bitcoin saved? Why does he do that? Why is he doubling it?

Why is it just for the net? Why is he doing a supermarket sweep bonus round? Why did he tell me to enjoy sending him the money so he can double the money? How would that be the only exchange? Why not just I'll send you, let me say, hey, and I'll send you some Bitcoin. Why is the exchange not necessary at all? I am giving back to my community, my community of people who have and know what Bitcoin is.

Enjoy for 30 minutes. I'm your president, Barack Obama and your former president. And I do want you to send me the Bitcoin, but do not sweat because I'm going to send back twice as much as you send me. I know what Bitcoin is. You see these swordfish sunglasses I'm wearing and I want you to enjoy this. And my cousin Doug has a great investment opportunity that he says is a sure thing.

So all I need is your Bitcoin and then I will invest in this slug racing circuit. And then I owe shit were broke. Ah, damn it. Fucking Billy Gates tweets it. Fucking Elon Musk tweets it and is like, hey, I have Bitcoin. Come and get it for 30 minutes. Enjoy. Then I think like those fucking nerds probably know what's up.

President Barack Obama swooping in and being like, I also have Bitcoin. Come get it. 30 minutes, baby. I've got 30 minutes worth of Bitcoin. Travis, I'd love to dive more into your knowledge of and understanding of Bitcoin. So Griffin, do you understand Bitcoin mining? It's where they use graphics cards to get the Bitcoin and keep me from being able to find the graphics cards.

Travis, can you tell me how computers make bitcoins with Bitcoin mining? And I, Griffin, I want you to judge and I want I want you to hear Travis's and I want you to hear the real answer. And then you judge, which is just fucking wild. OK, I want everyone to know I could do the thing where I'm like, I don't fucking know. I'm a cool jock, but I'm going to do my best.

Purely. Yes, please. From context. Yes, I'm going to say Bitcoin mining is when there's like some AI just searching around the web, looking for just kind of like the loose change of Bitcoin, wherever there's like point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one percent of a Bitcoin or whatever that someone has like forgotten about or maybe while they were doing a transaction, it got rounded down or up or whatever. And that could that AI just scoops it on up and saves it for this sounds fucking wrong.

OK, so here's the right answer. So you get a coup. There's all these really hard math problems, OK, on the Bitcoin network. There's all these really hard math problems, and they're so hard that the computer has to both work very hard, but also get lucky to solve it. And the the the chances against them doing it is like one in 13 trillion. So it's very unlikely that they can solve this is very hard math problems. But if they do, they win a prize.

And it's OK. Wait. Wait. So you hold on. So there is a computer Goodwill hunting its way through a website and they standing before the whiteboard and trying to get lucky, which what that even means in the terms of computing is both baffling and terrifying to me and the computer is trying to get lucky. And if a computer solves a math problem, a very hard, yes, they can't very hard math problem.

It gets the computer gets a prize. Yes. Well, I mean, technically belongs. I'm sure I mean, the computer does not have rights. Whoa. Oh, all right. Dark ages. All right. But so its owner would own the you know, the Bitcoin. But yes, that is that is how I understand it.

Is that the computer, the computer does a really does a bunch of hard math and eventually gets it right and gets a little prize as a Bitcoin. Huh. I think amazingly. And I this is, of course, completely subjective. But I think my answer made more sense than the thing you said. Justin's envisions a world that makes me much happier because is there some sort of deranged mathematician trillionaire somewhere that's like I cannot die until these impossible formulae have been discovered.

Who this is has now a new question for me. Who makes the question? Bitcoin makes the question. No, OK. They only really they only release a few. OK, this is not fuck. This is fucking true. They only release a little bit of extra puzzle bonus puzzles.

They release the puzzles on the back of their menus. They release the puzzles in what's called a block reward. And the block reward is half every two hundred and ten thousand blocks around every four years. So in 2009, it was fifty. In 2013, it was twenty five. In twenty eighteen, it was twelve point five. And somewhere this year, it'll be six point two five, right?

So they only release a few puzzles, a few new. They're releasing less puzzles just to get the Bitcoin out there. But who's making up the puzzles, Justin? The computer the computer creates the so the computer creates a puzzle it can't solve. This is this is probably the computer computer puzzle they can't solve. And also the puzzles get harder every two weeks.

They just throw an extra three in there. Put another three in. It gets harder. OK, if this was an X, but now it's a Z. Fuck you. You are you are forty four thousand times more likely to win the Powerball Jackpot with a single lottery ticket than you are to pick the correct hash on a single try,

which is the correct put to solve this fucking puzzle. You will not solve this. But do they have any word searches? No, it's all jumbled. But it's hard, but it's hard ones. They're like, this is like nine letters. So hopefully that helps. Hey, just let your mom listen to that.

Yes, ten minutes. She's out just just in case our investments in Bitcoin don't pay out. I would like to invite us all for a quick sojourn to to the money. Real quick, before we do ads, folks, this just occurs to me that you might have listened to that whole cryptocurrency section and thought, you know, that sounds like a cry for help from the Macro, so I should explain how cryptocurrency works to them. And you you would be wrong.

Oh, wow, what a swing and a miss that interpretation would be. You could not be further off. My friend, actually, you know what? Perfectly happy where I'm at. I'll say I'll say this. If you do you need those, just dump them in my mentions. And this is a service I can begin to provide to you, Justin, because I ain't popped in on those bad boys in a bit.

I do I send it to me and I will I will send the information out to my brothers. I can be point of first contact. I'd actually rather use this as a test, because if you send it to us, we'll know you skip the ad. Yeah, oh, yeah, and that and it makes you an immoral thief. Yeah, basically. So please do not send it to us. We don't want to know how it works.

Please, you know, who else isn't welcome in my mentions is plaque and Tartar buildup. And these guys are my teeth's worst enemies. But do you know who my teeth's best friends is? Is quit. Quips, the good electric toothbrush that it covers your your all your oral care essentials. It's got these timed sonic vibrations with 30 second pulses

to guide a dentist recommended two minute routine. And if you got a little kiddo, smaller mouse, smaller teeth, you got a little quick and it's right. It's the right size for you. I don't like that that assumption was made Griffin, because just real quick, baby dot, even though she is six months, does have the mouth and teeth of a 40 year old. I know that about her. Yeah. And it sucks, because it doesn't look very good.

No, it doesn't now. But when she's 70 and she's. Yeah, sure, it's going to look amazing. The the quip brush head, toothpaste and floss refills are automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars each, a friendly reminder when it's time for a refresh and to stay committed to your oral health and shipping is free. I have been using a quip for a couple of years now.

And it's it's really, really nice. Back when I was traveling, the frickin little mirror mount turns into a holster for it is real slick. Now it's mostly just a mirror mount, but it's a good one. If you go to get quip dot com slash my brother right now, you can get your first refill for free. That's your first refill free at get quip dot com slash my brother. That's get qip dot com slash my brother quip, the Good Habits Company.

Hey, you guys know what I always say. What if you're in a hitch, you got to fix your stitch. You've heard me say you've heard me say that, right? I've heard you yell that. Yeah, I yell it. I've heard you sort of scream that I got some sort of primal animal frustrated. Sure. You know, because people are wearing shows that like they're wearing clothes and

shows that aren't their size or style and like they paid too much for them. And they're like, I don't know where to get other clothes. And I'm like, if you're in a hitch, you got to fix your stitch because then you could just go to stitch fix and they're coming in. It focuses on like getting you the clothes you actually want because they have a personal stylist that will work with you to get you close you love and get them to you effortlessly. It's a completely different way to shop and you'd like fill out your own

profile, just go to stitch fix dot com slash my brother and you'll pick out looks that are personalized for you, colors you like styles you like and a budget you like, you pay a $20 styling fee for each fix, which is credited towards anything you keep scheduled at any time. There's no subscription required. Plus shipping returns and exchanges are easy and free. Get started today at stitch fix dot com slash my brother and you'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix.

That's stitch fix dot com slash my brother for 25% off when you keep everything in your fix, stitch fix dot com slash my brother. When you're in a hitch, you got to fix your stitch. It's not catching up. It says it right here and I'm reading it and it's green. It says, do not skip. Do not skip Travis. Ba la la la la la la la.

I want a munch. I want to munch. Man, my third is still messed up. It's terrible. Um, so, hey, this one comes from the UK and this is weird because normally the UK does not make it into a lot of, um, a lot of munch squads, but this one is from Heinz UK and was sent to me by Graham Robach, who just all around. Geez, just the all arounder can't be stopped.

Salad, cream, ice cream, Heinz launches Heinz creams, DIY ice cream kids. Now, it's important for you to know Heinz creams is with a Z. Is he at the end of Heinz? So is he at the end of cream? What sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander? Uh, July is nationalized cream month. And whilst trips to ice cream parlors may look a little different this year. Heinz has launched a selection of DIY ice cream kits.

Using a range of Heinz sauces, you can make your very own Heinz creams at home and celebrate national ice cream month from the comfort of your kitchen. So you go to their fucking website and there's a, there's a place right there where the crime is, where it says, click here to do crime. And when you click it, you go to a page that is Heinz creams. And, um, if you, let's say you wanted the mayo cream and I, and I don't, but let's say you did relish the creamy taste of Heinz good mayonnaise. It's actually Heinz seriously good mayonnaise, but the seriously is in brackets.

So I took it upon myself to leave it out for comedic effect. Relish the creamy taste of Heinz. You can't say we're talking about toppings. You probably shouldn't use relish as a, as you're, okay. Relish the creamy taste of Heinz seriously good mayonnaise in an ice cream. This make your own Heinz creams kit includes the equipment you'll need to make a Heinz mayonnaise ice cream. It includes Heinz good mayonnaise sauce, a branded gift box, a recipe card.

What if it didn't have that? It's like, I don't know. You fucking figure it out. Here's some mayonnaise and it's not pre-measured. Let's be honest. It seems like portions are way off. It's wild. I feel like the person writing this press release had Benjamin Button

disease and Jack disease, because it's like with each paragraph, they're sort of like age seems to be going backwards. Put good mayonnaise in cream sauce. It ice cream. Yay. It also includes a reusable ice cream tub. Uh, that's profane. So you make mayonnaise ice cream in it.

Then you're like, don't, don't, don't toss that Vicky. I'm going to save that. I want to use it again for anything else. And lastly, a limited edition engraved golden scoop and spoon. It doesn't say what's engraved on it, but I'm assuming it's the word. I can only imagine. Um, so let's go back to this press release here. Uh, I will let you know, I'm looking at the website and the bad news is that the

Heinz ketchup creams is sold out. I can't get that anymore. You can get BBQ creams, huh? You can get saucy sauce creams. These are all challenging. There's a saucy sauce creams and then there's Heinz salad creams. What is salad cream? The tech is a tangy taste.

It's like a salad dressing. No, I think I put that together, but like there's lots of different types of salad dressing. Well, this is salad creams. You get it. It's it's like it would be a good ice cream is a good way to imagine it. Um, so they've, they've listed the, it says the tangy taste of salad creams makes it one of Britain's most loved sauces.

And now it's a Heinz creams. That saying we all know and love can be paired with the delicious sweetness of summer strawberries on top of a refreshing ice cream. Huh. Um, Heinz BBQ creams is sweet, sticky and tongue tinglingly delicious. Oh, watering flavor of classic Heinz barbecue sauce in a Heinz creams. Team with maple syrup pecans and perhaps a sprinkling of bacon bits and this sweet and smoky ice cream will really pack a punch.

Hey, just real quick. When I put something on my tongue, if the reaction my tongue has is to tangle, that is body. That is poison. That is bad. Body should reject it. That is a bad thing to happen. Oh, it's a, oh, my whole mouth is buzzing.

Um, David Chaubert, the senior brand manager at Heinz sauce says this summer is looking different for many of us. And while we might be staycationing or staying at home more than in other years, it doesn't mean you have to miss out on the joys of a good ice cream. Heinz sauces are here to help. Hey, David, honestly, you're right about the first part. This summer is looking different for, but fuck you for thinking. The answer is, do you want to make an ice cream out of mayonnaise?

Does that fix it? Yeah, everything's up in the air now ice cream out of mayonnaise. Did we fix it? It can't hurt, right? Listen, everything's fucked. Do you want to make ketchup ice cream in your own house? We've tried everything. No one's watching.

No one's watching anything goes. They think of it this way. Once it's all back to the new normal, you're probably not going to want to make solid cream ice cream. You probably won't do that. You'll be so happy to return to the life you knew. We give you the ultimate summer mashup, Heinz Creams, a DIY ice cream kit with an added summery squeeze of one of your favorite Heinz sauces.

So you needn't miss out on one of the sauciest of sweet treats or six during a summer of social distancing. David, fuck off. It's not the ultimate summer mashup, you absolute maniac. It's ketchup mixed with ice cream. Stop it. We might, we know it might seem like a bit of a crazy combo to some, but with Heinz always at the forefront of innovation, anything is possible.

Hey, David, if anything is possible, could I request a vaccine? Could that be first on your list? You fucking ketchup whiz. You think? If anything is possible. You think when David turned in the first draft of this press release, the press release, somebody said, like, do we want to add any qualifiers here where you just said forefront of innovation?

Do we want to put like forefront of like dressing innovation or sauce? Yeah. Sauce innovation, Heinz innovation. No. Anything is possible. We're the bleeding edge of all technology, both food and medical. And we're going to make this summer work for you. If you, this is just like the Bud Light, um, the Bud Light.

Paskin Robbins. Paskin Robbins things. If, if I call you and I'm like, hey, this has all been really hard for everybody. I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. What are you up to? And you say, I'm making mayonnaise ice cream. I'm going to call the authorities to come like check on you because I'm worried that something has gone terribly wrong.

I bet it's good though. It's probably good. It's the worst. The one where you said the bacon pits, that got me a little bit. The bbq ice cream with some bacon bits and pecans. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'd probably be pretty good. Listen, if I could order these to America, I probably already would be.

I find that I find the idea like the ketchup and barbecue sauce. I can almost, I can almost see my, no, I can almost see my way there. Well, we're into like, it's mayonnaise. Like that's hard. That gets a little more challenging if it's like mayo creams. And just the number of Z's on this page, guys. It's quite a few. It's tough.

There's a, there is a lot of Z's in this, in this one. I bet a thousand island ice cream. 45 Z's on the page. Hey, can I do another Yahoo? Yeah, of course. Geez, I got a two here. I'm debating which one's the best. I mean, I don't know that this one is the most sort of gut-bustingly funny,

but it is a conversation that I'm curious about that I feel like Justin's going to have a lot to say. Uh, send them by several people again. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Misty, who asks, what is the best place to work in at the mall? Huh. Well, the answer I think is obvious, but. I just want to fucking talk about this. I just kind of want to talk about it.

Can we just send jokes out of the room for a little bit? Well, we talked about Bitcoin for about 75 minutes earlier in the episode, so I think there's a precedent established. Okay, you know what? Let's just say, I, I, hey, jokes, fuck off. Yeah, fuck off. We're going to settle this. I have worked a couple of mall jobs. Do you call your phone jokes? No, I don't call my phone jokes.

That's a very good idea, though. If I could program it to be like, hey, stop it. Hey, I've worked several mall jobs. And I think right now. Don't need your bonus fee days. If I was going to pick a mall job, I think it would be like a cell phone case kiosk. Whoa, what?

Yeah, it feels low impact. Like, I don't think you're dealing with customers left and right. It's a very narrow window of information you have to be briefed on. You get to sit down for a lot of it, very little oversight over what you do. Most of the time when I see people working there, they're like on their phones or in some cases even like playing games. Travis, you've just hit the, you've just hit the biggest issue with it. When I see people working there,

if you put yourself into the cell phone kiosk, what you have basically done is put yourself into a human zoo. You are an exhibit at the mall museum, constant, constant scrutiny. Everyone looking at you. What are they looking at on the phone? What are they up to? And it's that thing of like, that judgy thing that people do where it's like, I can't believe they're on their phone.

They were just on their phone like 15 seconds ago, and they just don't happen to be on their phone right at that exact second. It's an incredible level of scrutiny. It'd be a terrible job. You've picked arguably one of the most stressful gifts. Oh, I mean, I disagree only because I stand by the low oversight thing. Like that for me and any job I've ever had is a boss who is looking to make themselves,

especially in a retail environment, looking to make themselves feel essential. And so they are just looking for things to point out so that they feel like they're doing their job. If you're at the cell phone kiosk or the Hillshire Farms kiosk or any kiosk, your boss is going to be able to fucking clock you from a hundred yards. They can monitor your progress without you even knowing.

There are no corners. There's not the telltale like. What kiosk boss is like checking in? If you own a kiosk, I think you didn't buy it because you were ready to be super hands-on. Travis, they're the face of super sterling silver. Of course, I'm going to check on them. They are the frontline of customer interaction.

And I'm in charge of making sure that our customers always walk away with silver and a smile. There is a kiosk. Whatever engraved gift. As the Kenwood Town Center here in Cincinnati, where the product that they sell is glass cubes, where the center of them has been laser etched with some kind of photograph of perhaps a beloved pet,

or a child, or a me-maw that you want to remember. And I see that every time I go to the Kenwood Mall and I think that's a front for something. There's no way that they sell enough engraved cubes. What are you doing today? Going to the mall. Cool. Can I come along? Sure.

I guess if you want to watch me stand around and look at cubes for an hour. I've got to pick out the perfect cube. I'm trying to pick the perfect grandma tesseract. I'm trying to... I'm locking my grandma in this holocron. She's wronged Krypton and I need to... Yeah, yep, yep.

I haven't seen me-maw since I banished her to the Phantom Zone. All that? That's my me-maw's Horcrux. $29.99 at the Kenwood Mall. Believe it or not. Okay, so that's incorrect. Here's what's making this tough for me. I feel like an anteans is thrilling.

You see an anteans and then you probably do... I assume you get to eat some anteans at some point. Or at least you get like a dope discount. But at what point... I love the smell of an anteans down the... You know, wafting down an airport terminal or something like that. Sure. But that smell I imagine after...

I'm going to be really generous and say like three weeks is going to be like a complete nightmare. I'll see you at any restaurant, any food service. You are going to run into that. Definitely happen at the OG. Love the breadsticks. Love the chicken scampi. Love so many of their offerings.

Could not stand it after, you know... And not only while you're there. The problem is especially with something like that pretzel smell. It permeates. Eventually like you... That's right. It's going to get in your clothes which will then get in your car which will then like you take...

You change, you have your uniform at home and like your home will smell faintly of pretzels. It will haunt you. My friend Tommy Redd used to work at Fazoli's and if he stored his uniform in the cab of his truck when he would give me a ride to school I would insist on riding in the truck bed. So, so vibrant was the smell of this Fazoli's uniform.

This, this bizarro anti-air freshener. It's going to make you hate. If you work in a plate food you love you're going to hate it a few weeks in. If you work at a place you hate, you're going to hate it more. So food service is incorrect. I'm going to give you my hot take and you got, you all can... You've had approximately 400 jobs.

So I will defer to you. This is not one I've had but it is, I'm pretty sure of what the best job would be. And that is the vape shop at home. So vape shop is fucking cool because you just sit around and vape and if you're, and your boss opens the door and they're like what are you doing just sitting around and vaping? You'd be like, yeah, I am.

I'm both advertising our product and becoming more knowledgeable about it and I'm sitting here cranking some major fucking cotton and spooking the guy over at Macy's. I think that the vape shop would be a very chill place to work. Morally, I don't know, the science is out. Yes. But that's it. That's the perfect fix is when your loved ones are like

the science is out but what science we have, you know, I'm worried about you. You can be like, hey, it's for work. They actually made a rule at the vape shop at the Huntington Mall. At first they were allowed to crank cotton 24 seven and then they made a rule that you couldn't crank cotton at all and to watch the discrepancy in employee satisfaction was so palpable it could be felt at the American Cookie Factory.

It was so, so distinct in this go from like, wow, this is a fucking very good job to, I've got to get the fuck out of here and indulge my addiction to aerosolized nicotine. Boy, between the Bitcoin and vape chat, this episode has a particular sort of flavor to it. Once again, you can tweet those at Griff and McElroy. Yeah, hit me up with all those.

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Bad news, boys. Oh, boy. It's me. I snuck in this time. Okay. We read your big shot lesson. Yeah. Bad news, you're one, you're one membership. Oh, no.

Yeah, I've just one more person. You know what? I'll give you another day. If just one person logs on to maximumfund.org. Join and joins the family as it were. I'll save you a little show. Can't promise Maloney. Can't promise that. No, didn't do good enough for that,

but one person. Just one. That seems pretty low. Well, are you that person? Me? That's right, listener. I can see it. Oh, boy. Holy shit.

I'm using some real dark web. You're slipping into Hugo Weaving, Mr. Big Shot. A little bit. A little black hat stuff that my nephew hooked up for me and I could see you. And I could see you're not going to that web, you're all that I told you about. So I need you to head on over there

and join the family and save these boys and their orphans. And the cigar orphans, yes. And thank you to John Rodger and the Long Winters for these for theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. And thank you.

Thank you so much for listening. Griffin, do you have a final Yahoo? Yeah, I mean, this one is sent by Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma. It's the Yahoo Answers user, Josh, who does ask, would cremation even work on water Pokemon? Huh. Huh.

My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother and my brother and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. MaximumFun.org Comedy and Culture Artist owned, audience supported.