My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 523: Dad’s Fat Trash Sack

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Even after all these years, we’re still learning about each other’s little, adorable idiosyncrasies. Take, for instance, Justin, who has big boy trash bag dead drops all around his house, for some reason? Like he’s the Trash King, we guess?Suggestion talking points: Scorch that Koontz, Justin’s Big Trash Bag, Plausible Mayonnaise Deniability, 10 Great Bits from the Mask, Mario-sized Pipes, Munch Squad Investigates, Judge CoolFor more ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Register to vote: https://vote.gov/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Justin McElroy. Did you guys hear that? I actually didn't. Did you guys hear that? I didn't mean to say. Okay, it threw me off so bad I said your name.

Are you okay? I'm fine. Okay, I'm Travis McElroy, your middlest brother. Do you have a show in you today, Justin? Are you cool? There is gonna be a show. You have Anne's show inside of you. That's waiting. Do you know what's it's strange? I didn't know how I felt. This show is my therapy. You know what I mean? This is my time to unpack everything and I went into this recording not knowing how I felt today and then when I was trying to put on, as we say in French, Le Masque, the show. The mask of the host, the entertainer, the funny man. Whisk us away, Pakliachi. I've discovered a sort of unease. You reached in to the depths to pull out the comedy that is at the base of the sorrow in your

soul, but you found only sorrow. There's just sorrow in there. What I found is that if I dig deep enough, the comedy's in there. Maybe that's what I was trying to get out was sort of in the parlance of Aristotle, the expurgation of pity and fear. You know, the great art. So this is my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show. So what this means is the people you have heard in the past couple of minutes are going to tell you what to do in a fun twist. Now, I want to start off, and this is not normally how we do it. I'm going to admit this is a special occasion, but to start off the episode, we got an email from Rose and it was about a topic that we discussed last episode or a couple of episodes ago and it goes like this.

Rose, I want to say thank you for the powerful start to this question. There was no lead-in. It just started like this. How I heard it is that Ray Bradbury actually asked his local fire department what temperature books burned at and they went and lit a book on fire and measured the temperature while they were still on the phone with him and reported back that the temperature was Fahrenheit 451. No idea if that's true or not, Rose. I wish I could have been there when they were like, Bradbury wants us to burn a book and they're like, well, wish book. We got to pick a book to burn. Well, let's see. It's a fire station, so what we have here is the phone book and a book about how to fire the fire department and the Bible.

Jimmy, weren't you reading the Dean Coots earlier? Yeah, but I haven't finished it. It's Ray Bradbury, dude. All right. On the phone. Scorch that Coots. You burned my Coots. Is it among the services that the Fire Department offers that if you call them, you can ask any object and they will burn it for you? Yes. Also, hey, also, why does the fire department even possess the implements? The one place you don't want there to be a fire is in the fire station because that's where you have all your shit for fighting it, right? Why do they even have the implements for starting a fire? Well, to train Justin, obviously, because you don't want the first time you fight a fire to be live out in the real world. You want

to let temporary fire. There's not a training fire. It's fire. But you put a control fire. You put a fire in the waste paper basket so first day, John can put it out and feel like a powerful firefighter. Hey, I want all our Rangers, all our park service people to get at me on this one. Reminder, my Twitter handle is at A plus K. I control burn is a fucking lie. If anybody says that there's a control burn, they're lying to you. It's fire, baby. Justin. It's going to do it's a thing. I'm not saying that a fire lit in a waste paper basket is a control burn. You know I'm saying the idea of control burns and please get at me people who do manage forests for a living A plus K. It's not a control burn, baby. It's a fire. It's going to do what it's going to do.

That has got to be the worst moment of your day if you're like it's a controlled burn and then you notice that one little tinder. Oh, no, that was one of the good trees. Oh, that then you got to start like, oh, yeah, I did want to get that one. I can just run over there with a can of spray paint. Just put an X on that one real quick. Yep. Yeah, it's all part of the plan. Yeah, all under control. Somebody needs to write like a sci-fi novel called control burn, but it's CTRL burn. Travis. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, think about that. Anyways, I like that we could call the fire department and just be like, Hey, at what temperature does like a classic Teddy Ruckspin burn? Yeah. And they would have to do it or else I guess I don't pay their salaries anymore.

Do you know what's fucked up? It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Oh, no. Such a dangerous little toy. Such a day. I mean, that tape deck in there, it's its own sort of internal combustion engine. It's not great. So they have tools to measure how hot a fire is at the fire department. And I believe that. But then I also wonder, does that mean like they're going to measure the heat of a fire when they get to like a house fire and they're like, that's too hot? Or that they roll up to a house fire point, their thermometer at it. And they're like, it's okay, guys. It's a cold fire. So like 200 degrees in there. We don't need our suits. I've got a fix. This is a baby fire. I've got a thick sweater on. This is a cold ass fire in and out. No problem. Can we

do a question that's not about Ray Bradbury? I want to talk more about Ray Bradbury. No, that's fine. I can, I'll do one. One not, we'll do one for them, one for us. I heard that he called a tattoo parlor and said, how many tattoos could you put on a man before he's illustrated? Before he's illustrated. I was on the way out the door to walk our dog, Cooper. Nice. Wow. When I realized I was without a plastic bag. Hold on real quick. Did you say that because you're assuming that this person named their dog after your second daughter? Well, they did name them. I'm assuming they named them after, but maybe they named them before, in which case. You took a dog. Okay, fine. Yeah.

And now you've named your daughter after their dog. Well, named a dog in Indiana. Okay. Classic. I love Iron Man. The movies. When I realized I was without a plastic bag for his poop, my wife ran to our kitchen for me and pulled one from the recycling before sending me on my way. I'm now blocks from the house. He's pooping. I realized she handed me a dramatically oversized baggie. The ones from Goodwill that fit coats and bedding and stuff. It seems wasteful to use such an enormous amount of plastic for a single duty. What do I do? Do I pick up after him in this ludicrously big bag or do I search for a plan B? That's from superfluously sized shitbag in Greensboro. I mean, think about your poor dog

who sees the size of the duty bag and is like, Jeremy, are you sure? I'll do my best, but fuck. I'm going to disappoint you, buddy. I'm sorry. I don't know what you have planned for the day, but is that for both of us? Yeah. I mean, oh God. I mean, it's important that you clean up the duty. That's just, that's one-on-one. Leaving the duty there is. I mean, it is. No, listen. I'm a dog owner. I pick up my dog's shit. But. You want a fucking trophy? I also think that it is interesting that we have a society like all other animals shit outside and there's dirt there and mud and stuff. But my dog's shit, I have to, with a like microscopically thin bag, put it in my hand while you watch to

make sure I do it. Mr. Jones next door. This is a weird character trap. I've never stepped in. I've never stepped in like squirrel shit and had it ruin my day. Let me check the, let me actually check my history. Yep. It's always dogs that I steps in. So yeah, we need to. I'm not saying we shouldn't do it. I'm saying I don't like doing it. Yeah. Okay. Nobody likes, nobody's like, all right. Little brown, little brown treasure. Neither of you are dog owners. So let me tell you the most awkward thing in being a dog owner is after you've picked up your dog's shit and you're carrying it around in an old Kroger bag and like you're walking back home and like another car from your neighborhood drives by and you kind of awkwardly wave with the hand

holding the bag of shit. Yeah. Now I'm holding the leashes. Now imagine this, but it's a mattress bag. It's a big fucking steamer trunk side. It's a big boy. It's, it's, I mean, you have to do it. Can you pick up a bunch of different stuff? Yeah, there's gotta be some other poop lying around. Not even, you don't even have to be poop. You find a cool pine cone or glitter. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, non-bioorganic glitter. You just, just because if you do, Oh, I thought you said glitter. No, litter, because if you do just have the one poop in this huge, huge bag, you're going to look like some sort of like off-branch on the apple seed, dude. This is my last one nearing the end of his journey. Could you keep reusing the bag until it's full?

You, where are you going to store that trap? Between the uses. Right inside the door. So it's there next time you need it. We're going to need a mud room for this specifically for the bag. Justin, it sounds like you're not having fun. I take trash bags really seriously. And I've been thinking about how I'm out of my big trash bags that I treasure. Sometimes, you know what I do sometimes. What do you do? This is embarrassing, but like, I'll get, you know, I like the big, big ass contractor. Yeah, maybe the ones that that make me feel like I could throw anything away.

Don't even. Yeah, you can throw like hunks of concrete in there. I'll stretch around it. Sometimes I get some, I get a mind to do some cleaning and I figure out like, oh man, I've only filled up half of this amazing trash bag. Yeah. And so I'll just leave the trash bag. You guys ever do this? Just leave the trash bag centrally located. And then if somebody tries to throw trash in the regular trash can, I'm like, oh, hold on. I got this big over here. Don't fill up the smaller cans with that trash. Come put it in this big boy I got. This is my big centrally located trash. I'm trying to fill her out. Justin, you have just maybe described like the clearest example of dad idiosyncrasy

since we started making this show. Like that is such like, oh, don't you mean Clinton, the evil McElroy or dad in general? Like you are a dad because you do this thing I've never heard of before. Don't you guys get, okay, okay, okay. When people in your household, and I know that, I mean the kids today, when people in your household throw away trash that takes up half of the trash can. Does that not drive you fucking back? Well, let me ask you a follow up question. Did they use my special big garbage bag? The one that I saved just for big boys? The special centrally located dad bag? Now when I fill up, I buy myself a little treat.

Okay. Because I've earned it and no one appreciates the hard work I do around here. Dad, you know, I just like to watch one episode of a car show without somebody interrupting me while I fill up my special big boy bag. It's just dad's central sack for fat trash. I'm spiraling here. I just need to know if there's, if you have a, I have a kitchen trash can. If someone has a large piece of trash, and I keep saying somewhat of what I mean, my wife, my kids don't throw away shit. When my wife throws away the large bag of trash, a large piece of trash in the kitchen trash can that fills up a lot of the trash can, I get very frustrated and I ask that we take larger pieces of trash directly out to the cans

instead of sullying the trash bag. It does sound like you've introduced a middleman though, a middle option, a middle, a third path. That's perfectly good half filled bag right there. And it's a fat sack. It's a fat sack. That's only when the sack is not in play. When the sack's in play, everything goes in the sack. If the kids leave toys out too long and I don't think that they treasure it, it goes right in the sack. The sack's right there. Hey, can I do it? Sometimes I just want to put all my worries and troubles in that sack, you know what I mean? I just want to take, oh, I got a lot weighing on me. What if I just put them all in my big boy sack and threw it right away, you know? Yeah. I got a Yahoo here that was

sent in by several people. Thank you. It's by Yahoo Answers user James who asks, can I bring in some of my own ingredients for them to put on my Subway Sub? Oh, such a good question, James. It's a, this is a fast food restaurant where they make sandwiches and they've got a little, it's weird, huh? They've got like a buffet, but just for them. Yeah. You ever think about that? If there was no sneeze guard there, which in the current sort of climate would be unthinkable, but if there was no sneeze guard there, you could just do it yourself and you wouldn't need them to necessarily be a part of that process. But if you could do it yourself, if there was no sneeze guard, if we could democratize

the Subway process, then there would be nothing stopping you from like slopping in your own homemade horseradish on there or whatever. I'll tell you what, what I have always really enjoyed at Subway is their candor, their honesty. Sure. Because one, you get to watch them make the sandwich right there. So you can watch them fuck up the way you want your cheese to go. It's great. Cause like, no, I, no, I said, okay, but also that there's a straight up like vegetables are worth nothing to us. We will put as many of those on there as you want. The cheese and the meat, that's where the money is, baby. You want more of that, we're going to charge you. But you want, you want more spinach? Fuck it. Yeah, dude. I will load that thing down with spinach

so we can't close it. Spinach comes from trees. There's infinite of those. I can find spinach outside right now if you want more. Where am I supposed to get cheese at this time of day? But this comes from cows. And there's only so many of them. This is what I'm saying. I measure how much sort of gas I have in the tank by whether or not I'm willing to ask for green peppers because I don't want the, the specificity of green pepper amount that I need to produce a satisfying sandwich is such that I don't, I don't always want to take that journey. Right. Cause I don't want to always break down with them. Like you don't understand how little green pepper I want. It's, you're going to think that I don't want it. That's the,

that's the, you're going to think that I don't actually want the green pepper, but I do, I just want such a specific amount of green pepper on them. You want them to take some slices of green pepper and just kind of wiggle them over the sandwich like they're burning sage, but not actually let them touch. If you could hide it in there, so I definitely get all the benefits, but I'm not, I mean, maybe wrap it in cheese. So like it's later, I think, was there green pepper on that sandwich? That's the ideal amount. Sometimes when I'm feeling really froggy, I'll do that with mayo, but I'm even more particular about that. I actually kind of mispronounce mayo because I

want them to put an amount of mayonnaise on the sandwich where they're not actually sure if I want mayonnaise. That is the exact amount of mayonnaise that I want on the sandwich where they have, they have plausible mayonnaise deniability. Like no, that's just meat leavens. That's, there's no mayo on this. No, sir. That was just wet bread. Nope. You just got a wet slice there. Can you bring in your, okay, let's, let's take it one step. Can you bring in your own bread? I don't think so. Okay. What if, what if I brought in an ingredient, they finish the sandwich and then while still standing at the register, I unwrap it, open the sandwich, put my ingredient in, close the bread, all you wrap it all while maintaining eye contact.

That's what happens. They're going to charge you for it. You can bring in your own slice of ham. Charge me a porking fee. Oh, well, a porking fee. That was good. Very good. Yeah. I think you should be able, is that, is ham what you guys would really bring? Okay. Subway opens, they, Subway, they're like, we got $5 foot long and people love that, but now we have a new jingle and it's bringing your own meat now. And you can bring in your own, it says bring in your own meat now, but you can bring in whatever, but you can only bring in one thing. So like, what's the, what's the, and this is great because then there's a line of people

standing six feet apart, all of them holding their sort of comfort item. Yes. I'll bring a toothbrush and a picture of my wife. Nope, you can do one. I'm winning that hands on a hard body truck. Wait, that's not, sorry, that's not what's happening. Oh man. Everybody's going to be holding bacon, like a kid who's just won a bunch of tickets, like an arcade, and they're like waving these strings of tickets around, except it'll be bacon. Because too much work, too much work. I don't think you're going to make your own bacon at home. I think Travis is coming at this from an economic standpoint. I'm trying to think of like special things I have in this house that I've always wanted to eat on a Subway sandwich. My own sort of

Pinsky salami situation, if you will. Of course. The best looking meat I've never had. Griffin, what's something that you would not, I feel like the host of Family Feud, what's something that you would not normally have on a sandwich that you find yourself craving? My willy weenus, my prince, my prince pee pee. I'm trying to think of what they would say on Family Feud. They would say prince pee. Doodoo juice. They say like wild shit. Show me doodoo juice. Yeah. Oh, it's up there. It's number one. Wow. Making a hundred percent of people said doodoo juice. Whoa. Wow. We asked a million people and a hundred percent of them said doodoo juice.

Probably say we do, right? Oh, that'd be great. They're not going to sell that to you in Subway. No, they could. That's how you know things are done. They could. They could. They won't. They could. We have CBD, we have CBD, pepper, or chimneys. A CBD LT. Yes. Well, that's it. That's the end of that bit. We can't do it anymore. That's the end of that bit. Put it to bed. That's the end of that bit. I recently discovered that my boyfriend's dad drives. We should do that more. Didn't that feel really clean to me? Yeah. Yeah. I really like that sort of laugh in style,

like he-ha transition. Okay. Well, I'll put that on a donkey. I recently discovered. I recently discovered that my boyfriend's dad drives Lyft on the side to pick up a semester cash. The problem with this is that I use Lyft. My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. I consider myself to be close to the parts of his family, just not his dad. He's really nice seeming. We just haven't had many chance to stay interact. If I were to call Lyft and his dad was the driver, would I have to sit in the front and try to make a small talk with him, or would it be okay for me to sit quietly in the back

like I normally would? Cool. Oh, boy. Wow, this is fraught. Until I read this question, the idea of calling a Lyft and having it be someone I knew driving had never occurred to me. Yeah, because the question of where to sit, and I feel like you do have the built-in excuse right now of social distancing. I got to sit caddy corner. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I mean, it's not just good. It's the truth. If you're doing anything other than caddy corner, then you're part of the problem. You could always sketch on the back. Sketching on the back is cool. You definitely can't treat it like a regular Lyft. I mean, unless you're going to do the mask thing. Yeah. You guys been doing the mask thing.

You mean wearing a mask to keep other people alive? Yes, Justin, I have. Well, good, Travis. That's good. Everybody should be doing that, obviously. No, Justin just said the mask thing like it was a cool life hack. Travis cleans up after his dog and doesn't spread a pandemic, and he's like, you know what? I do want to parade. I want to parade in a trophy that says Travis McGrath bare minimum. Bare minimum. No, but it's B-E-A-R, and there's a little bear on top of the trophy. You wear the mask, and you're at the store, and you see someone you definitely know, and you just absolutely play it off because it's like, no, you're not going to get me this time. I have plausible deniability. I mean, especially if you

wear one of the plastic shield masks and a hat, you are a ghost, my friends. When you asked if we were doing the mask thing, Justin, I thought you were talking about when there's a bunch of cops, and they're about to arrest you, but then you're like, they call me Cuban Pete. I'm the king of the Rome movie, and you do a dance. There are very few social problems. I mean, to be fair, the mask would fix this problem with the lift because it would turn into like a huge stretch limit, and your boyfriend's dad would be like a cool wolf. Yeah, man, that'd be badass. That'd be pretty cool, and you roll up to the coconut club or whatever, and there's Cameron Diaz, and I guess you seducer with your cool dancing?

Wouldn't it be cool to have a mask mask, and you could just put it on an actor fool? It's not with his zany powers, you're saying. You're just wearing a mask out of the mask. You pretend that you have his zany powers. I think everyone would get a big kick out of it. Oh yeah, I think everyone, in this day and age, everyone needs that kind of levity. You know what I mean? That's what the world is missing, more mask-based humor. Well, then maybe everybody's uncles and aunts who are still really up in arms about the whole pandemic mask thing. Maybe we can get them on board because everybody loves Jim Carrey's the mask. So you have that, and then you can also say this will nullify certain social expectations

when you wear this, and you can do a funny rumba dance and rob a bank. It would be funny to put on a surgical mask and then put on the mask mask over that mask, and so people would think you're just acting a fool and being silly, but actually you're being very conscientious. And then when you get in and people are like, what are you doing? You're like, I guess I misunderstood. Sorry, P-A-R-T. Why? There's a pandemic on, and let me show you some literature about it. There's a pandemic mask. What if you did surgical mask? Somebody shot me. I can't do my shopping for myself because I wore a mask mask. Okay, you wear surgical mask underneath, then you wear the mask over it, and then you wear a surgical mask over that. Okay. So people

see it and like, oh, he's a whimsical party man, but he still understands the importance of controlling the pandemic. And I respect him for that. Absolutely. Man, the mask is funny. Man, it's fucking funny as shit. It's both funny. It's weird. It's funny to watch, but also funny to talk about. Yeah, remember when the dog pees all over that guy because he's wearing the mask and it's like fucking waterfall? That's a good one. And when he eats the bomb and it explodes in his tummy, he goes, that's a spicy meatball. Travis do eight more mask jokes to get us to around 10. Do you remember when he's there with Ben Stein and he tries to put the mask on, but it doesn't work? So Jim Carrey in like his classic rubber face style just like throws himself

around for a while. That's one. There's another one where the clock is bouncing around the hallway and he's trying to smash her with a hammer. That's two. Jesse, he's going to do it. That's a good one. That's two Travis. Six more. Six more. He says love is but a red, red rose and I am a little thorny and that's pretty good. Oh yeah, Trav. Oh yeah, but there's another part where the cops are frisking him and they're reaching in his pockets and he's like a little to the left of it and makes a joke of like it's his penis. That's four more, baby. Travis, you're halfway home. Come on. And then there's the part where the old lady comes out like his landlady comes out of her apartment and she has like a green face mask on and he's wearing a green mask and they scream

in each other. Oh, that's pretty good. He's going to do it. Jesse's going to do it. There's another part where he's kind of spinning around and he's turning into the mask and then he stops and he catches the feather and he says, somebody stop me. Okay. But he says it in like a really funny way. We'll give it to you. Two more, Trav. Come on, you can do this. Uh, there's a part where he, the cops come and he tries to run away and they say freeze and he turns the ice in midair and they say put your hands up and he says, but you told me to freeze. Now, listen, back in episode 406, Travis got to nine and this is where he shipped the bag. So Travis, we really want to see if you can land the plane. Is there, is there anything you

got to have at least a little bit more juice in the tank? Come on, bud, get us there. Uh, there's a part where he hit the two guys who like tried to charge Stanley extra for fixing the car. Yeah. And then the mask shoves mufflers up their butts. Yes. Yes. He did it, ladies and gentlemen. He did it. Amazing. Amazing. Travis. I just rewatched it last night. Let's take a break and we're going to head on over to the money's end. Uh, do either one of you nerds want to take this first one? Okay. Yes. I want to tell you about Warby Parker. They make glasses. I know what you're thinking. A lot of people make glasses. I make glasses, but do you make boutique quality eyewear at

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keep. It's a great deal. And Warby Parker is committed to providing exceptional vision care online and in stores. They offer everything you need. Glasses started just $95 and that includes prescription lenses, sunglasses, progressives, and blue light lenses are also available. So try Warby Parker's free home try on program. Order five pairs of glasses to try on at home for free for five days. There's no obligation to buy ships free and includes a prepaid return shipping level. Try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash my brother. If you are wanting to take a break from the outside world, wanting to isolate even deeper into your own subconscious and who can blame you, then reach for a pair of Raycon earbuds.

You don't have to spend hundreds of bucks on a pair of wireless earbuds to get a great sound. You can just go with Raycon. Their newest model, the everyday E25 earbuds. Seamlessly pair with via Bluetooth. They got nice amount of bass and more compact design. It gives you a nice noise isolating fit. I got a pair I really liked them. They're very easy to pair. They sync right up. And they're delicious. And they are delicious. They go down smooth. You know what I mean? You can get the latest and greatest from Raycon and the most delicious. Give 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash my brother. That's buyraycon.com slash my brother. For 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds, buyraycon.com slash my brother. I should say our lawyer is sitting right next to me.

They just handed me a piece of paper that says, I have to tell you, don't eat earbuds. Now my skateboard lawyers are sitting next to me and they're giving me a big thumbs up and they're shaking their head, yes. So I don't know if that means you can eat earbuds. They're doing it again. God, these guys, man, they're such bad lawyers. Why did we get these terrible lawyers? My lawyer is good. My lawyer. Fuck. Hi everybody. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Sydney McRoy. We're both doctors and- Nope, just me. Okay, well Sydney's a doctor and I'm a medical enthusiast and we create Saubones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. Every week I dig through the annals of medical

history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history. Now lately we do a lot of modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster, but it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday. Right here on maximumfund.org as we bring you Saubones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. And remember, don't drill a hole in your head. You want a Yahoo? Yeah, I'd like that. Okay, this Yahoo was sent in by Mollie and I guess you're not going to interrupt me. That feels good. Thanks, Mollie. It's by Yahoo Answers user Copperman asks- Oh, I get it. It's like Iron Man, but-

That's funny. I didn't think about that. Very good. And this, I'm liking it already. And this seems like something that the bad boy Tony Stark himself would say, which is, why are plungers handle rods so short? Right? I feel like I'm already elbow-deep in there. Regular plungers consist of an elastic suction cup and a wooden handle rod that is attached to it. The wooden hand, if you have never plunged, do you think that's possible? I mean, maybe some people only have narrow shits. Perfect. I guess so.

This is our third time talking about poop in this hell of a cell. Stinky snakes every time. The wooden handle rod is intended to be held and used by the plunger operator to forcefully compress and decompress the suction cup and its contents by pushing and pulling. All right, Bill Nye, we fucking get it. Another commonality among many regular plungers is that the wooden rod is rather short, forcing your wrists and forearms to be rather close to the suction cup and what's below it. So I ask, why are the wooden rods as short as they usually are? Shouldn't they be longer to allow for some action at greater distance to the whirling toilet water and whatever happens to be

part of said whirling waters? I've always wanted them to be broomhandled length. So I can stand on top of the counter right next to it and jump off and really get some good action going. You know what I mean? Because sometimes just the two feet that they give me isn't enough to get the torque I need to get the clog out of there. You know what I mean? I need to really get in there. Yeah. And you like it when it's a sort of Darth Maul double-bladed plunger saber situation where it's a long stick and on one side is the normal plunger end, but then on the other side is like an almost comedically large, the mask-sized plunger cup. And that one goes over the whole toilet and Travis likes to do that and yell for people to come in.

Like, guys, get in here. Get in here. You got to see this. You got to see this. You'll never believe what I'm doing. But people are always like- And then I plunge and I pull up and there's Jimmy Hoffa's body, right? And it's great. Everyone loves it. And people laugh and they're like, you're doing the big plunger trick again, aren't you? We don't have to come in. We have seen it. Yeah. I've lost a lot of friends. It's a very good tiny plunger card trick and you can order the tiny plunger and they'll send you a DVD with it. It says how to do the tiny plunger card trick. Hey, it's 2020. How has plunger technology not evolved? How have we not moved beyond we put a big duke in there? Clock the whole thing up. Here's like a suction cup and a wooden stick.

Go to work. I think it has evolved because there's some where there's kind of a flange at the bottom where it flanges in. And then there's just the regular Mario ones. And I do, it does concern me because if we figured out that the flange is better, we should have thrown all those other ones away. Right? We want to do this job once and we want to do it right. No, you know what? I've talked about it before. I'm a disruptor. I'm going to disrupt the whole thing. Fucking big plungers out here taking your money. Hey, everybody, here's a newsflash. Invest in my company, biggerpipes.com. Yeah. Wait, no, don't go to biggerpipes.com. No, let's do it. No. Oh, shit. Here's the thing. If we still need plungers,

maybe the problem isn't our dukes. Maybe it's that the toilet pipes are too dang small. Why haven't we made bigger toilet pipes at this point? Yeah, you are talking about Mario-sized pipes that you could go on an adventure down. I'm just saying that I think the only reason toilet pipes are so small and I'm sorry, plumbers. I'm sorry you have to hear me say this and blow up your spot like this. But it's because big plumbers is keeping them small so that they're in a job. I'm saying give me a big old powerful pipe that I can send whatever size Duke I make down without having to worry about it. You know what I mean? Why are you holding me hostage in my latrine? Now, Travis, when he says big plumbers, he is not talking about the plumbing

industry. He is talking about the eight and a half foot tall sort of monster man that does come to his house whenever they have a plumbing emergency. Well, lives in my house technically at this point. Would terrorize Travis be a fair verb to use for what the big plumber does to you? Yeah, and you know what? Not just physically, but emotionally. Oh, but physically, wicked physically. Like he hurts you a lot. But he also says mean things about how big my Duke was and how I should be embarrassed and like this is all my fault and I've let down everyone. Yeah, I remember one time he said you had thick pee and you were like, dang, that stinks. And then he hurt you, your body. Yeah. And then he hurt me real bad. Then also that then then he also said that I

used toilet paper like a baby in a cartoon. Yeah. And that is true. I hate the big plumber. I think the big plumber sucks. But you know what? Also, he pays his rent on time. And like, I've never had any problems with him like doing his chores on the chore wheel. So like, there's that. I mean, he's not the worst roommate I've ever had. Can I hit you guys with this? Please don't. I've been hurt so much. No, okay. But this is different. I'm going to hit you with this idea. It'll be light like a cloud, a stick that is the chores stick. And every house has chores stick. And then you have a sort of tackle box, or perhaps a sort of like wheel that goes in your pantry that has plunger end, multiple size plunger ends for Travis when he needs a special

one for the way for his special waste. But then there can also be broom mop, swiffer, fucking angled broom for cleaning off the top of your fan blades, which folks, you don't nobody's gonna look up there. You're okay. You also just get compressed air for like half the jobs in your house. Yeah, dear for your it's okay. Or you could just get chores to stick. Careful about blowing that in your face though, folks. Compressed air? Yeah, don't. Why not? Don't do it. It's not good for you. It's dangerous. It's too cold. Give yourself a fucking embolism. It's no good. But chores stick is safe. And it's efficient. Okay, so we got chores stick. We got big pipes. Justin, what have you got to solve this? Moving. Oh, this is a new

house. So you clog the toilet and you just back up. Move it on. Back your bags and move away. Exactly. It's been a long time. Wouldn't that hurt the resale value of the befouled house? Keep that door locked. Tell them somebody died. Yeah, you break cat that it's the Duke of Montalado. You just fucking cover it up. Don't we don't go in there. There's no there used to be a there did not. It's two and a half bath. It's two bath. Now let's move on. It's two and a quarter bath. Because I drew in the toilet. Did you break up your shirt? I sure did. It's a pee pee one. So it's two and a quarter. Two and a quarter bath. Just pee pee in there and leave. Don't ask a lot of questions. You could pay you could maybe just this toilet is permanently clogged. But you

could probably pee pee in it 12 more times. So please. So please choose. Choose wisely while you're living in the home. Hey, man, is it cool if I use your bathroom? No, not that one. Voila got four left that I'm saving them. Got four left. It's like that Eddie Murphy movie. The Clumps. The Clumps. Pluto Nash. I'd like to welcome everyone to a new segment Munch Squad Investigates. Oh, that was terrifying. That was really scary. There's been a murder. This one in this one, we're going to find them and we're going to put them on blast. This is a new public service that we're doing on the Munch Squad. We're going to find secret restaurants and we're going to on our plate. How secret? I have how? Secret. Secret because they are pretending

to be a different restaurant than they are. And I'm going to help you unearth this. I encountered this in my own life with It's Just Wings, which popped up on DoorDash and I was like, ah, damn, I would love some wings right now. And Sydney looked at the menu and I said, what's on the menu? And she she scrolled through and she said, um, it's just wings. And I was like, that can't be right. Everybody's got to have some add-ons. Turns out they also had curly fries in this however menu that did a little digging. Yeah. It's Chili's. Wait. What? Yeah. Yeah. This restaurant that they pretended was another restaurant is actually it's just wings. It's not just wings. It's just Chili's. So it's just wings. Just wings. So Chili said we got a lot of extra wings here

that we need to get rid of. We're going to create a second DoorDash like landing page where we just sell our wings and curly fries. It's just a they pretend it's a new restaurant, a new delicious restaurant where it's just wings. But why? But it's not just wings. It's just Chili's. Don't try to fool me. I have another one. This is coming in hot. I need everybody to be aware of this. Fazzoli's is serving up deep fried wings at their first ghost kitchen in Atlanta, which is a wild sentence now that I say it out loud. Hachi Machi. Fazzoli set up a secret ghost restaurant in Atlanta to just try to figure out how to do wings good and they'll deliver them to you. That's no, it's no big deal. It's not the restaurants. It's just Fazzoli's opened up a wing

restaurant run by ghosts. It's just a ghost kitchen. I'm actually kind of proud of them for that, if I'm being honest. I don't like the treachery, but I do appreciate them being like, we want to do wings, but we're too nervous to fuck it up in our real stores. We're going to set up a whole fake front just so we can get good at wings and then bring them to you, Travis. The markup on wings must be wild because I got another one for you, neighborhood wings. There's neighborhood wings. You can get them in Folsom, Pennsylvania, Columbus, Indiana, Yonkers, New York, enjoy some neighborhood wings. No, where do you, I'm going to give you all this turn into a game. Who makes neighborhood wings? Applebees. That's right. We got them. Applebees

is neighborhood wings. Stop lying. Also, Boston Market is secretly rotisserie roast. I'm not even going to play the sound effect because you could have guessed that one. Why? I'm still caught up in the psychology of this. Why is Applebees like, we need to move our wings? I'll tell you why. This is legit. Chilies and Applebees, millennials, zoomers, they're not going to Applebees and Chilies because of the shame associated with them. But those wings don't lie. The wings are, they're wings. If they can call them something cool, like Tony Hawk's Extreme Wings or something like that, like something that the zoomers love, then it's, then you can do a trick on them. So you're telling me they looked at what

Chuck E. Cheese did and they said, that was great. That's a great idea. We're just going to do that. Yeah. We all know Chuck E. Cheese is Pasquale's pizza and wings, right? If you see a Pasquale's pizza, you know that's Chuck E. Cheese. I do also want to warn everyone. Bucadabepo did a pizza one. This is called P.Za, which I do have to give it up for. All right, I like that. That's very good. That's very good. And one more Hooters open up one called Hootie's Burger Bar, which you could do better than that. That was not a very good- But that's a primo example. Why is it a tie-in with Darius Rucker? There's no Darius Rucker. That's a primo example, though, if I've never been to a Hooters

because of the sort of its holesties, its whole thing. But maybe the food is phenomenal and now I can go to Hooties and it can be whatever I need it to be. A little more formal, a little more refined. I mean, you have to think the food is good at Hooters. Why else would people go there? Okay. I don't actually want to talk about Hooters. I'm sorry. I do want to say, though, I haven't much about Junior, too, if I could just tack this on real quick because in these corona times, I think that we're all sort of reeling and figuring out how to deal with it. And the way that the Sour Patch Kids pop-up store in New York City is dealing with it is to be open for you to go to.

Have you ever opened a bag of Sour Patch Kids candy only to think, what if I could live in this incredible sour then sweet experience? Well, think no longer. The Sour Patch Kids store is here. That's right. Wall-to-wall sour then sweet awesomeness right in the heart of New York City. Express your inner Sour Patch Kids style with our new merchandise, elevate your sour taste buds at our sweets bar, and of course, create your perfect candy mix with your favorite Sour Patch Kids varieties, and then kill your grandma. I'm sorry, I misread.

But then it'll do something real sweet. It'll be something sweet. We did give you coronavirus at our candy store that killed your grandma, but here's 10 bucks. The kids may like pranks, but they know visitor safety is no joke. Visitors to the Sour Patch Kids store will be required to wear a face covering at all times and maintain social distancing. There is, if you say, if you're going to be in the Sour Patch Kids New York City store, you have to wear a face mask. What you are saying then is, by coming into the Sour Patch Kids store, you're introducing some level of danger into your life. What level of danger? How much do you have to fucking love Sour Patch Kids?

Because for me, the amount of danger that is worth going to the Sour Patch Kids store in New York City is zero. It is absolute no risk to my safety or my nannies. That's the absolute bare minimum. Well, maybe it's that you've already done something else dangerous that was worth it to you, and then you see the Sour Patch Kids store, and you're like, might as well. Marty out. Hey, can I do a yahoo? Yes. This one was sent by Graham Robuck. Thank you, Graham. It's a who answers user. Servants who asks, what would you do if you had a friend that went with you everywhere

and kept saying, you're the man. Yeah, you're the man. You're the man over and over. You know, it'd be cool for how long would it be cool for? I think a couple days. Oh, I think up to a week. Went everywhere with me. Yeah, I mean, that's I guess that that that is the small, the fine print is that they would accompany you to the bathroom, to the bedroom, to the chain, to the changing room. Yeah, but can I, what about when I sleep? Yeah, you're the man. Can I still sleep? You're the man. You're the man. You're the man. You're sleeping so good. I'm going to give you some ASMR. You're the man tingles.

You're sleeping so good. I'm so proud of you. I think it would be cool for a while. I think it'd be cool for a while. It would actually be not cool instantly for the three of us because of how it would taint our audio. If you do that would be a problem. If we did have on this show the three of us, but then three strangers in the background all saying, you're the man. Yeah, you're the man. You're the man over and over. I think that would get grating after like half an episode. You know what? I feel like I wear that it would after a while become disingenuous where he's saying, you're the man. How much are we paying this person?

Yeah, and you're like, I'm not the man. So what I propose, five days a week, you're the man. You're the man. You're the man. On the sixth day, you suck. You're terrible. You're a piece of shit. On the seventh day, nothing. Nothing. And then he's back from Monday through Friday. You have a day of stewing on. I'm a real, I'm a fucking stinker. Right. And then he comes back and he's like, no, don't listen to what that other guy said. You're great. But it's the same guy. Maybe it's a different person. Maybe it's a different person in the second person. Oh, you throw him away. Yeah. And then the next week it's like, or maybe,

and you know what? Maybe it's just a different hat or like mustache or whatever. I don't know. And it's just like that last guy was a liar. You're great. I feel like it would negate when other people in my life tell me I'm the man. Oh, I see. It would be kind of less impactful. It would take away your ability to appreciate being the man, you know? Then how about maybe let's tweak it a bit. They're just asking you, are you the man? And it's up to you to answer. So it's building your own self-confidence. And eventually he's going to say, now you're the man and he'll leave, right? Forever? And yeah, you don't need him anymore. The power's in you.

Okay. So he doesn't say you're the man now. He says, now you're the man. Yeah, that keeps it legally. That keeps us out of finding forest or trademark territory, which I do appreciate from a legal perspective. But instead it's just asking you until you find the confidence within that you don't need him there anymore. And then he leaves and moves on. And maybe he just moves on to your next door neighbor. He doesn't have far to go. There's only one of him. And he has to kind of cover the whole world. So he can really only give you like a week. So you need to get your shit together. I do. I mean, we're talking about someone who- Wait, can we jump back to earlier in the episode when you were talking about a dog bag full of

dookie and his Johnny Appleseed and pretend that I said Johnny Crappleseed? No, actually, no, it's too far away. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm thinking about it. And like a friend that goes with you everywhere you go who's like, you're not the man yet. You're not the man. No, you're not the man. I do kind of already have that. But the friend is inside me. Yes. The friend's just my brain. Yes. Now, see, I have the opposite. Yeah, you do have this friend. I don't like how gendered it is, though. Okay. Yeah, I do. Maybe if we had a little bit more specific, like, you're the man, which man? The man with the power. This is inevitable.

What about just like, you're the best? No, that's too- Well, yeah, because man is the best, Travis. I'm glad we finally- I'm drawing a line in the sand. You're a- You're Dr. Shit. Or is that something? Because Dr. is gender neutral. You're the best rapper in the world. You're Dr. Cool. You're the esteemed Professor Shit with tenure. You're Professor Shit Emeritus.

I think it would be more useful to me in my day-to-day life to have someone who follows me around and tells other people that I'm the man. Yeah. Get a load of this guy. This guy's Professor Shit. This guy's Dr. Shit. This guy's Dr. Shit. Look at him. Fuck yeah, dude. Hey, are you getting pumped for this guy? This guy's Dr. Shit. He went to shit medical school for seven years for this. Get out of- I could use- Get out of the way. Here comes Judge Cool.

Everyone wants to eat your Judge Cool. I would love to have that in my marriage. Just like, hey, Sidney, are you getting a load of this fucking guy? Look how much broccoli he's eating. I'm going wild over here. I can't believe you're missing this to pay attention to your kids. Look at this guy. He's putting it away. This is the thing, right, that we're all jealous of like 90s hip-hop artists for, right, the hype man. None of it.

You can't have a hype man in day-to-day life. I can't be walking around and someone's like, Travis, rocking them jeans. Like, I can't do that. I want that. We all want that. We all want it. We all want a hype man whose entire existence is just about like, that they are revolving around us and like, they are the more eel to our great white shark.

I sort of want that. A sort of emotional pilot fish, if you will. Yes. I'm not sure we all want that. No, I don't. I wicked don't want that. You don't want a hype person? I want silence sometimes. Like right now, for instance, is good.

Well, I can give that to you Griffin by way of saying that. Thank you for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother, and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. We are so happy that you made a little time to hang out with us. It's been a delight as always. And thank you. I was just going to say, you know,

but I'm just going to say, get out there and register to vote. If you're not registered to vote, get out there and register to vote. And also, I'm going to say, don't vote for Donald Trump in the 2020. election. I'm just going to say that to you. Yeah, that would be actually a very bad thing to do. And don't do that. Don't do that.

So register your vote and then maybe use that vote to oppose the candidate that might actually win again. No, use that vote to vote for the candidate that might actually win against Donald Trump. So that Donald Trump does not continue to be president. Wow, that fit that on a sign, folks. I'm fucking motivated. Yeah.

So register to vote and use that vote against Donald Trump. Also, make sure you're signed up for mail-in ballot, because that's going to be the best, safest way to do it this time. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Thank you also to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for these theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It shreds, rips, slaps.

It's so fucking good. And I think that's it. Y'all want that final? Oh, oh, oh. Absolutely. We wrote a book about podcasting that you can pre-order beyond January and go to the MacRoy podcastingbook.com. It's called Everybody Has a Podcast Except You.

It's good, and you'll enjoy it, and it'll teach you how to make a podcast you're proud of. It's got jokes and lessons. This is finally Yahoo! Sent in by the prospector, Merit Palmer. Thank you, Merit. It's Yahoo! Answers user. Diana, who asks,

What is the best vintage children's book about horses? That's not well known. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips.

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