My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 533: Butterbobs n’ Batteries

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

We won’t be posting a new episode next week, so you know what that means: It’s Bolitics Time! Snatch up a couple crates o’ Party Bagels and let’s get into the HEAVY stuff!Suggested talking points: Bresident Butt Strike, 2nd Place Costume, Kissing with Beaks, Party Bagels and Business Donuts, Sir David DragonriderWays to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatterFor the love of Christ in heaven, go vote: https://vote.gov/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the Modernera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Lag. You did get me on that. You got me on that one.

Thanks. You did get me on that one. So I wanted to start, you know, I hate to do it, but I've got to start a little political. Oh man. Did you say, did you say political? Time for a ball. And then to eat some biscotti. Time for ball ticks. So I did a tweet. There's your first mistake. I did a tweet because I wanted, because a question, I had like a hypothetical question and I needed answers, right? And so I put this hypothetical out to the internet and it received before voting closed 34,913 replies. Oh wow. And I want to dig into this and it got so much of a response. I wanted to dig into this question with you guys and really talk through some of the data. Did you get, did you get ratioed

as the teens say? I don't think so. I don't think it's a ratio. Teens are fucking wild about fractions, I guess. And I'm just dope. People always talking about like it. That's just phones, phones, phones, phones, phones. But they're out here talking about ratios and Pythagoras. I thought it was radio like patio. Okay. All right. So here's the tweet. Okay. That's the tweet. Here's the tweet. I got a new hypothetical that's going to sweep the nation and add some sparkle to your next zoom happy hour. And here's it. I want to pose it to you, my brothers. If you could consequence free spank Donald J. Trump right on his behind on national TV, would you do it? Please think before answering.

If you're about to start talking, I know you haven't thought about it. Yeah. No, I have. Bear ass. Question mark. Bear ass, bear hand. Skin to skin. Data. This is data. I can't shift the parameters. I can't shift the parameters of the question for you. This is the question that is put before you. You do not have more information than this. Any Godfaring American travel, I think is thinking about bear ass, bear hand. I don't think there's anybody who thought about spanking this gentleman with his pants on. Not for this stuff. He's accomplished. No, sir, you do deserve a bear ass spanking. You know what? Let me say this.

Let me give you this data. With that data, before we drill down onto your personal responses, with that data, the Internet said 44% of Internet respondents said, OK, 56% of Internet respondents said, no, thanks. So that's where that data, that's the data. I don't know if people thought about it enough because a lot of people were like, I think I'd catch some sort of slime disease from his butt. It's like, that's all very funny, but I'm trying to do research and that's probably not going to happen. Is it funny? Is it funny? It's not that long ago that this gentleman did have the corona and if I said gentleman, I meant scoundrel. Here's what I will say. I got a big old fat hand and I believe I could deliver a spanking as such that it would go beyond embarrassing if I really

put my full torque into it, into potentially damaging. OK, this is important because if the spank damages the body of the man that is the president of the country, then we are getting into some, let's call it, questionable legal territory. OK, now hold on, Justin. You didn't give further details, so I was assuming in this scenario, this was a purely consensual thing where Donald J. Trump is not consensual. Then I wouldn't do it. There just won't be repercussions. Then I, OK. There's not going to be repercussions. Listen. If you ask the question and now you're not listening to me, sir, sir, sir, sir, I did not. I did not. The energy is just so bad. This is still my time, sir, if I may. I have to assume he is in some kind of stocks scenario

and this has been his preordained punishment and someone said, do you want to go to president or get a spanking? And he was like, of course a spanking. And here I come with my big old two by nine of a hand or whatever. Gonna fucking panini that ass. Yeah, and I come in there and he's like, I wish I had picked jail. This is what I'm saying is I think I could deliver. Because my butt's a manhole cover now. Yeah, I think I could flatten him in such a way to make his butt concave. Fucking ever long over here. Just smash my ass out of the galaxy. That's what I'm saying. I think that it would seem like a better alternative for him than whatever other punishment. But then here I come in and shatter his coccyx. But I don't think

I don't want to do it if it is the only repercussion that he gets for his, again, many, many bad accomplishments because that feels like letting him off lightly. And I also don't know if that is going to be the punishment, if I should be the one to do it. I can think of many more people who have been more severely affected by his administration than myself. And so I would, if given the opportunity, I would almost certainly hand it down to somebody more deserving. Well, okay, you don't have that opportunity. You literally just have the president bent over and everyone, and like the nation is watching, the cameras are on, the Secret Service is like, we don't enjoy him. We'll give you a turn away for like a little bit.

Right, exactly. Blind eye, no repercussions. And like, here's what I would like to say that I don't think he does see it coming. I think he bent over to pick up a dime. And his pants fell down, his pants fell down, and there's his butt. See, I never, this is what's interesting. Author intent, I never anticipated bear ass. Well, then no, that's, see, if it's not bear ass, Justin, it's not embarrassing. Now I'm just a weirdo who ran up and spank someone. That's such a wild thing to say, because the, you, the nation would have the visual of him getting spanked. But if it's his bare bottom, it's like he's a big baby. And I'm spanking his big baby bottom. But if his, if he's betrousered, then it doesn't have the same visual

effect, Justin. Are we talking about hitting the president? No, that's why it has to be his spanking. And it can't be his injurious spanking. His spank is a fucking hit, dog. The three of us hold the same opinions vis-a-vis spanking as being a pretty heinous thing. And it's also, it is, it is hitting. So we are talking about doing a hit on the president. Okay. There are two categories of spanking. There is consensual spanking, betricks, partners, who enjoy spanking one another or multiples. And then there is injurious spanking, where you are striking another human being with the flat of your open hand. Now, which one is it that we're talking about here, Justin? Sinceral spanking or injurious spanking?

I did say, now, if I could drill in on the language of the question, if you could consequence free, I feel like injury would be a consequence. Well, not to me. I didn't say that. Well, then... Didn't say that. Didn't say consequence free to you. So consequence free, period. To you and the spanky, who is the president of the United States of America, our 45th Donald J. Trump. Well, Justin, that's absolutely bullshit. That's wild, yeah. Because now I am having a neutral impact. It means I am so lightly touching his bottom that he might derive neither pain nor pleasure. Or in fact, it sounds like lasting effect of any kind. There's a causal sort of relationship between

Travis's huge, huge, eight-panned, swinging low like a big golf driver into our American president's butt. And he will feel it. If not, then it's like Travis is a ghost. Unless Justin is describing an Adam Sandler-esque scenario in which he's been sound to pick up some kind of diamond. I'm standing behind him pretending to smack that ass. It's more humiliating than that. Then he's gonna feel it, Justin. I didn't say he wouldn't feel it. I said he wouldn't be injured. There wouldn't be a permanent butt injury. Because if I say, would you like to injure the president? Everybody on earth would say absolutely. I would love that. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about

giving the president a big old spank right on his bottom as hard as you can. As hard as I can. You just said the words as hard as I can. It's gonna be bad for Travis to do it. I did just want to say real quick that I did mention ghosts, but ghosts are famously against spanking because they just don't stand for corporeal punishment. Oh, boy. Yes, I do think so, Griffin. I think when you guys make this data, 56% of respondents would pass on the opportunity to spank the president. I will say, until I landed on, I want to hurt him with my strike. Then my first thought was, I do not want to be in the same room. A lot of that energy, yes. Yeah. I don't want to touch his bad butt. I'm not gonna body shame anybody, but it's not high on the list for me. You know what

I mean? I actually also took a poll on Twitter on the 18th. I asked, irony aside, where are we at on the greatest showman? And I got 11,000 responses. Okay. Do you guys want to guess like, yeah, your name, what the percentages were? It's gotta be, I'm gonna say 70% yeah, because America still has a heart. They have, or the globe, I guess in this case, has a heart. They got a pulse. They're loving it. What about you, Griffin? Yeah, I haven't seen the film because it seems so bad. It was almost completely split down the middle, 52% yes, 48% no. Incorrect. So more people enjoy, unironically, the greatest showman then want to strike the president's bottom. Yeah, I got a Twitter poll out there and it says,

bye guys, I'm off to see Deadpool 2 in theaters because it has been so long since I did a tweet. So if anyone ever asks you, what is like a perfectly average neutral movie, it's the greatest showman. It cancel, it almost perfectly cancels out. Half the people do not like it. Half the people like it. Greatest showman right down the middle. That's actually was the tagline of greatest showman right down the middle. That wasn't really germane to my intro. I think you just wanted to change the subject. I did. I was sick of talking about either attacking the American president. Can I just get a yay or nay real quick? Given the opportunity, the consequence free with the American people watching. Is that in the text of the tweet, Justin?

America has the right to tune in. This is a huge opportunity then because I'll get on there or whatever, spank his ass or his bad ass or whatever. And then when I'm doing it, I could be like, and here's the link to my mixtape. And I can say it out loud and my brother, my brother in me, go check it at McRoyFamily.com. Check out my shows. Should be good for our iTunes reviews. Should be a good, good journey we'd go on as a result of that. Yeah. Negative three stars. I'm not going to listen to this. Dr. Skinhead for 420XXX says it's just snowflake garbage. Justin, I kind of feel like I already did smack Donald Trump's ass because I voted for Joe Biden early, which I recommend everybody to. Yeah. I mean, you can do that, but there's only one spank.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but I was trying to take whatever this has been and spin it. Make it get something positive. Yeah. I'll say, Joe Biden early, it's going to be fucking crazy on voting day. Get your shit in now. Go in now. Vote for Joe Biden. Don't hit people. Spanking doesn't help raise children, but if I have the opportunity, yes, Justin, I would smack that ass. Okay. I would give Justin Gordon Biden a tight little keister ago. That's in no way German. That's disgusting. That would be a smack, but that would be a spank of pleasure. Yeah, no, that's just like a little good game, bud. Good going, bud. Way to get elected president, bud. Good going, bud. Let's tighten up those policies just a bit, bud. Just a little

bit. Let me nudge them. Let me nudge them. If you think about it. There's room to improve, bud. I'm going to tap your left butt sheet. Joe, that tight left butt. You follow that tap. Just to let you know that that's the direction. You should maybe angle it towards it, Joey. Hey, maybe a single spanker healthcare. I mean. Yeah. That's right, Justin. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So this is a advice show that runs a little bit political from time to time, I guess. Well, we are not going to have an episode next week, the week of the election, so we got to get all that shit out of our system now. There you go. Go vote for Joe Biden if you care about anything and you can. Like, obviously, if you're in England,

you don't need it to me. I get it. So, man, we could have talked about Borat. Fuck. Fuck. Um, yeah, that sucks because Borat's like, it's funny. It's funny how Borat, by making him relevant again, made him irrelevant. Yeah. For making Borat relevant, he's now irrelevant from a comedy perspective. Justin, can you give us a 21 My Wife salute just to like see that phrase like off your soundboard? Yeah. Just play that. My Wife. My Wife. My Wife. My Wife. My Wife. It's not 21. That's six. That's six. We'll do 15 more throughout the show. I'm sure. I'm going to miss it. It's just not funny anymore. It's not funny anymore. Yeah. It's not funny

anymore. God, I hope they don't re-root Frasier. Please don't take that away from us. Please. Like, I know we've said AP4 and like we would get there like day one in theaters, but please don't, please, Mike, don't get AP4 in theaters. Please, bud. This is an advice show and now it's time. What? Yeah. It's time to answer a question. The office I work at is having a Halloween party with a costume contest. Nice. Prizes for said contest are, first place gets a month's paid rent. What? Second place gets a paid vacation anywhere in the continental United States. What the fuck? Third place is you're fired. Weirdly, fourth, for every place after third place is just no prize, but if you get it

for whatever reason, second runner up, hit the fucking bricks, dude. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I've had some luck with costume contests in the past and have confidence that could win. However, I do not live in a place that charges rent and I'd really love a vacation. Oh my god. Brothers, what costume should I wear to guarantee second place? That's from haphazardly happy Halloween in Houston. This is an amazing, amazing, amazing question. That's really so friggin' difficult. This feels like a fucking task master challenge. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's a worry here that if you underplay it too much, you don't play second, right? Like, yeah, yeah. I, okay, here's where my, here's where my gut is at is if there's somebody in the office who is going to do

something like very intricate and very like technical, but maybe not like the most creative thing, but they would feel guilty not giving them first place, right? Then you need to clock in just, just below that. So maybe you do like a really funny clever costume, but not like one that is necessarily technically artistically proficient. I was thinking the same thing, but here's the trick with that, Griffin, is if the joke ends up landing too well, now you're a crowd favorite and it's like, well, it's not, it's not as good like technically, but it's bringing the most joy to everybody. I think we know who the winner is. Well, then you flip it, right? Then you do the other one. You just got to know your office and know,

are they going to reward creativity or are they going to reward the fact that you dressed up like fucking Kim Bohn again for the fourth year in a row? You tell me. Man, I hope they know it. You could go as the, the fly on Pence's hair, right? Funny! Funny! Old Fibo right there, that reaction from you guys, Trump's Jerry's photo realistic Transformers outfit. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Here's what I, here's, here's what I got for you.

Okay. Okay. You need to create an incredibly accurate, detailed costume. Okay. I'm letting choose for this example, Captain Jack Sparrow. So you do the perfect Captain Jack Sparrow look, right? And then you go into the office the night before and you sleep in the bathroom. Okay. Okay. When people come in, they're going to change into their costume in the bathroom, right? And I need you to keep an eye on them in the bathroom, Justin. What?

Them in the bathroom. Is that what you're saying? Keep an eye on people coming and going from the bathroom. Okay. When you see the person who has the best costume, it won't be as richly detailed as your Captain Jack Sparrow costume. Of course, that's important. They can't naturally beat you. But then you can start to remove items from your costume to get you a left, so right, so like, maybe you just are going to remove a few of the beads from your hair. You know, maybe you're going to get the red band, you'll leave the tri-corner,

but you won't have that distinctive red bandana under the tri-corner. You see what I'm saying? Yes. You're your eyeliner. Get rid of the eyeliner. No, please don't. You can't lose the eyeliner or it'll just be a pirate, Justin. It's just a bad office. I mean, like, if you have to lose the eyeliner, it's a bad office that you work in, and you should probably, honestly, your real answer is you need to find a new job. Yeah. If no one can beat, if you have to take off the eyeliner, like, what are they bringing

to this? You know, like, what are they even doing? Now, what you could also do is the day before the party, start talking about what a rough time Jerry's having. Yes. Like, just spread around. Jerry's having a hard time. Yes. You know, he's just, it hasn't been clicking for Jerry lately. And then, when the contest comes, just keep, like, pointing at Jerry and nodding to everybody, right?

Yeah. Or even better, if you win, then you're just like, no, I'll take second. Jerry needs this. No, not Jim. Look at that very funny, look at Jerry's funny Kim Bohn costume. Look at him. He's got the red sweater. You know what kind of year he's having? Let's hear it for our first responders.

Jerry, what? What? What did you say? Let's hear it for our frontline workers. Jerry's not. This is a fucking staple. No, Jerry, yeah, what are you talking about? Jerry unloads the truck.

Yeah, but I think we all know that of everyone on earth, this year has been hard and stun Jerry. Now, I'm going to challenge your suggestion that Staples employees are not essential workers, but now more than ever, we're working out of the home and we need mice, we need formats, we need Post-it notes. I don't even know what Toner does, but I don't want to work without it. I want to say thank you to our Staples employees. Office, Max, Office Depot, fuck off, I'm going to Staples now. Sorry.

I liked that Staples started with one product and expanded from there. I'm just saying that because we don't have a Staples in Huntington. Oh, you poor bastards. I know. I'm still team hashtag Radio Shack. Yeah, they're coming back. Do you guys want a Yahoo? There's a Radio Shack next to the Long John Silver's on Fifth Avenue, you guys know.

What? Down near Huntington East, right near the Magic Walk. I bought some exotic batteries from there at once. Yeah, now both the Long John Silver's and the Radio Shack close and it's just two abandoned fossils right next to each other. It's really a sad truck. You think they're going to combine, lift each other up? That's what I was going to say is do you think they could, if they had just made it work,

like please see if Long John Silver's had had any fucking foresight. They would have been like, listen, man, I know you're going through a hard time. You can crash in our building. Just go to the back and there's a little radio. Come on down the Long Radio John Shack and we are going to treat you to batteries and cod. Deep fried batteries, six for $4. Griffin, you know fish at Long John Silver's is not of any discernible species. Yeah.

Come get this chopped reconstituted fish product and get some free loose wires. This is going to feel like a Munch Squad, but Long John Silver, as I've noticed, has been trying, I drive past their sign, the one right at 61, I'm going to the liquor store, and they've been trying increasingly like highfalutin seafood meals. And the funny thing about it is the more they aspire, the more repellent it is, like the harder they go, the less appetizing it is. Like when they're like, we got a lobster roll now, like I don't think you actually do. I don't think I will be doing that with you right now.

This is the worst part. On this show, every time we talk about any kind of fast food, I want it so bad now. I would crush some Long John Silver's. Y'all are acting above your raise in fucking Long John Silver's. It used to be a special fucking treat for us on our way to church. Most of the time, we get the Taco Bell, but then like, you know, when we did good grays on our report card, we take it to Long John Silver's, get some free crispy strippings. Sometimes mom would let me, once I discovered that I could order a side of Crunchy's,

she would do it and then be disgusted with it, which I used to love. Justin, you say Crunchy's, like, do you mean the little bits and bobs of batter that just floated around in the oil for a long time? Butterbob's. Yeah, Butterbob's, Crunchy's. I mean, whatever you call them there, you can order a side of them. They don't, they don't give a fuck.

Come on down the Long Radio, John Shack, we got Butterbob's and Batteries. Do you guys want any Yahoo, please? Yeah, yeah. This is sent by Graham Robuck. Thank you to the Yahoo user who is anonymous because they're afraid of me. But I'm going to call them. Davis asks, I feel like I use that fucking name a lot, huh? If humans had beaks instead of noses, would we still kiss?

Okay, so kissing is weird, right? If you think about it. Are you saying that or is Davis saying that? Davis is saying that. I would never say that. You know I love to kiss. Yes, I do. But we do it and we like it.

But would we, even if we had beaks, how would we kiss then? Why don't birds kiss? How do you fucking know they don't, Davis? Yeah. Maybe they're just not into PDAs. Maybe birds wait until they're at home in private to do their bird smooching. And they make up for lost time if you know while I'm playing. Yeah, maybe birds just don't like foreplay.

Maybe just like across the board, all birds are like, listen, if we're smooching, we could be boning. Yeah. We have hollow bones and we only live for like six days or whatever. Travis doesn't know. Wow. They don't live as long as we do. Certainly not.

Yeah, so six days is a pretty good estimate, I think, of their age. Here's what my point is that we as human beings could live upwards of, I believe, 112 years. That's what I'm aiming for. And so we look at every other animal's habits through that lens and we're like, why aren't they blubbering? It's like, for all you know, that bird is like, I don't have time for kissing. Are you kidding me?

I got 10 years, dude. That's possible. So there's a thing in this question I didn't notice until just now. And it is, this is the question, if humans had beaks instead of noses, would we still kiss? Does this presuppose that we would still have our mouths? Huh, like it would be. But then instead of our noses, we would have a beak there, so we'd have a sort of mouth stack?

I simply can't believe that that's trigryphin because that crosses into a level of horror that I believe goes beyond like, logistically, like, could we still kiss? But then again, it does say, would we still kiss? Okay, but yes, listen, this is Halloween, baby. You could do a kiss with both your mouths at the same time, or there would probably be people who would want to flip it upside down, do a little mouth to mouth to mouth to mouth, sort of 69 situation, person on bird on person on bird. It's just called 11s at that point.

It's they do 11s with the bird mouths. That would be, I feel like that would be bad because your bird mouth would have to eat worms. Well, let me put it this way, Griffin. Let me add another layer to this question. What if you replaced human beings noses with bees, but beaks that they were not in control of, would you still kiss? Oh, so like, I would go in and be like, do you, Griffin, you may now kiss the bride. Squat, squat, squat.

Like, I have no control over. Please, please, this is my special day. Please calm down, beak nose. But then that's wild, because the whole audience for my rad wedding would just be like, you wouldn't be able to go anywhere. Well, okay, you can also fly. This is, no, you can't fly. Well, there has to be some benefit.

That's what this, you can't say. No more stinky smells. Yeah, but no more pleasant smells either, Griffin. You heard what I said about 69 with the birdmouth, right? Yeah, that's very good. Yeah, that was very good. I think you wanted this. And you could access grubs and stuff hidden inside of bark.

Okay, okay. I would appreciate that. Then let's just, let's return to the pleasant, less problematic waters of just one big birdmouth. You're a fucking, you're a falcon. You got a bald one. You got an Alec Baldwin from Beetlejuice. No, not, no, no, no, what, when I'm talking about a beak, you're imagining like a fucking like crocodile maw that's like a foot and a half long.

No, I'm- You're at like Zubilee Zoo territory. Yeah, that's no good. Oh, like a cute, we're talking like a chickadee's beak and not like a, like a pelican or something. Yeah, right. What you just said, do you think we would still be like into kissing? I don't think so. I think we like the sort of pliability of mouth.

I mean, yes, but I think that you couldn't make this decision for everyone all at once because I think that there would be people who would be way into like, I can open my mouth and kiss you like three times as deep now. It like, it's like a handshake at this point. We're getting in there so deep. But I don't think that's going to be the goal when you do your beaks, your beak kisses. When you see birds doing that to each other, Travis, that's probably a sort of regurgitation situation. Well, I mean, then that seems like two benefits Griffin.

I wouldn't want that. I don't think- Hey, could I take you out for dinner? I just met you. I just, yeah. It's hard for me to get past the fact that I don't want to kiss a big bird. Yeah, you don't want to kiss a big bird? I'm thinking about that with my human brain, which is attached to my fleshy mouth.

Right. Yeah. Now, assume big bird has grown up and gotten a job. Perhaps- I hate this. Big bird works, let's see. Give me the name of some place someone would work. Griffin.

No, I'm not going to take any part in any of this. I'm looking- You don't want a big bird to get a job. You want a big bird to be unemployed in this economy? Big bird would be sweet as a big bird got to be a pilot. And then air traffic control would be like, oh, big bird go ahead and bring it in at that. And he's like, you don't tell me what to do.

I'm a lord of the skies. You're going to tell me how to fly? Shut up. Then he'd turn the radio off and just do his own thing. Okay. So big bird has just gotten back from a turnaround trip, flew from Cincinnati to LA and then back. No, baby. He's-

No, no, no, no, no, no, baby. He's out across the Atlantic. He's doing the big- The big bird needs the big bird. You know what I'm saying? What I'm saying is he came right back because he missed me, right? And he didn't say he could have had two days over there in Paris and said he was like, I got to get home to Travis.

He comes home. That's so nice. And he leans in for a kiss. What am I going to do? Not smooch that beak? Yeah. He came home from Paris, Griffin. Griffin came over, but he could have stayed in Paris for 48 hours.

He had earned it. He had flown there. He took the jump seat back. You know how uncomfortable that is. Wait. Is this pre or during COVID? This is after COVID is done. Okay.

So we've actually gotten through all that. I don't kiss anything that moves. There's COVID on this level. I don't care. I'll kiss anything. The year is the month is April, 2021. COVID is over officially. And Big Bird has returned from Paris.

And what's that? He brought me a baguette and because of the quick turnaround, it's still a little warm. And he leans. Oh, oh, and it's one of those like ham and butter sandwiches that are so fucking good. And he croaked most here. And no, I think it's just, come on. And he leans in to give me a smooch. What am I going to do Griffin?

Kick him out, turn him away. Got a smooch, Big Bird. I'm a smooch, I'm a Big Bird. You don't need to. But, but, but, but if Falco Lombardi from Star Fox came around, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to, I don't know. I have one option to get us out of this.

And that is for me to say it is time to go to the money zone. No, get on my back. Come on. We're out of here guys. I'm the wings of left. I have incredible vision. Okay. And so I'm the only one on this show you can trust to read this ad copy and tell you that

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Wide ears. Yeah, you keep acting like you don't know. My big dick. Well, thanks for the ad revenue, Warby Parker. You can try their free home try on program. Order five pairs of glasses. Try at home for free for five days. There's a no obligation to buy and includes a prepaid return shipping label.

Try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash my brother. Now, it doesn't say this is a limited time thing, but considering the content of this ad, I bet that link's going to go dead pretty quick. So go ahead and head on over to warbyparker.com slash my brother and show them that that is the kind of thing that gets a response from our people. Real quick, let's talk about honey. Honey is the Radle doodad that you get on your computer and then whenever you're shopping, it looks for promo codes.

And if it finds one for whatever it is that you're buying, it'll put it in there right away. And it's automatic and it saves you money and real quick. Holy shit. And real quick, just real quick. Yeah, I got a big dick. And see, I feel like it would be unfair if we did one for Warby Parker and we did not do one for honey. There's not much else to add because that's how simple honey is. It's a little browser extension that looks for promo codes for you.

And I use it and I've saved money on like music software and like tons of, tons of caves. It just saves you money. It's fantastic. I got a replacement plate for my router table from Craig. Had to get a new one that fit my Triton router. Yeah. And because I did one with pre-drilled holes and I did, I mean, I made my own, but I thought it would be a little bit better fit if I got one that was custom for the router.

And I managed to save a little cash using honey. Yeah, so that's all it is. It's free and you can join it for free today at joinhoney.com slash brother. Hi, are you someone who thinks that when one door closes, another one opens? Someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel. If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, good for you. We are not those people. Nope.

I'm Annabelle Gerwig and I'm a, you know, that other door opening. It probably leads to a broom closet kind of person. And I'm Laura House. When I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I assume it's a train headed right toward me. Laura and I have created a brand new podcast for people like us. It's called Tiny Victories. We're sharing personal Tiny Victories or things we've read or seen that inspire resilience. So if you're looking for a tiny reason to get out of bed each week, subscribe to Tiny Victories.

Available on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's get tiny. All right. I want a munch. What? I want... Only 14 more to go. Romantic.

Hello. Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast for the podcast profile. The latest greatest in brand eating. There is nothing that you can say in this segment that's going to top you ordering the fried fish leavens that you used to order a box of. That's true. I do want to say a couple of things.

I, like our friend Lynn, ordered the ghost pepper doughnut that we talked about last time. Oh, how was that? It was not bad. How was the spice? Not as spicy as you want, but it's a little bit of a spice. It gets you on the back end. You're like, whoa, hello. Now, did you eat the whole thing?

Yes, I ate the whole thing. Because Lynn appeared to take one bite. I mean, back again. If you want to watch Living Legend, Lynn, my own Miranda, ghost pepper doughnut, it's on our YouTube channel. His mouth is more valuable than Justin's mouth. That is true. God knows that.

Fair and dangerous. This is a bagel notice, just a bagel alert. Einstein Brothers Bagels introduces a new, this is really, can I say it's like, it's going to be really fun. You know what I mean? Because we could all use something a little bit fun. Of course. Yeah.

Okay. So Einstein Brothers Bagels introduces you to new party bagels. Oh. Arriving at select locations nationwide, November 12th. Ready to show your sweet tooth a good time. Wait, can we guess? I don't want to guess. I want to start the party.

Oh, no. It's just party bagels. Is it frosted? Just, I'll just tell you, it's party bagels. All Einstein Brothers Bagels wants to do is have some fun. Just like everyone else this year. Yep. Fucking even, even, it is like obligatory.

You cannot announce a new fast food item without saying like, because of COVID, we're just trying to have some fun. Okay. So yes, we're acknowledging the ongoing pandemic in our press release about party bagels. The new party bagels are shaking things up, raising the roof of the bagel case, if you will, with the promise of a sweet indulgence that will bring a smile to faces young and old. I'm having, I'm having fucking fun already.

I know. It's already really fun. Einstein Brothers Bagels had developed two flavors that will make your taste buds sing sweet praises. Oh. To who? Jesus? To Christ?

There's churro, which starts with a doughnut. You're fucking, okay. You just drop that in a fucking chemical bath or what's up? No, it's doughnut and they smear it in the middle with sweet cream, cheese, butter, cream, frosting and coated on top with cinnamon sugar. It will take you back to roller coasters and carnival games. And then there's, I would love to be in the R&D meeting for Einstein Brothers where they're like, yeah, but this is just a doughnut.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but get this. Yeah. We call it a bagel. Well, right. It's a, it's another doughnut. It's a party bagel. Oh, that's good. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll never know. We better not call it a doughnut in the press release. Oh yeah, that'd be a big fuck up. Yeah. Chocolate birthday cake starts with a doughnut. And smeared in the middle with chocolate buttercream frosting,

glazed with chocolate frosting and topped with confetti sprinkles. Yeah. If it isn't your birthday, it will feel like it is. So yeah, that's right, friend. Now you can have the visceral thrill of spending your birthday at Einstein Brothers bagels. Or even better, at your house in lockdown, eating a doughnut by yourself. We wanted to bring, this is a quote from Chad Thompson, head of culinary innovations at Einstein Brothers bagels,

which in this case is a selling doughnut. Is the culinary innovation here? We wanted to bring a bit of fun to the breakfast table. Party bagels are a sweet treat. Done the Einstein Brothers bagel way. The whole family will love. It's guys, it's doughnuts. I don't know.

It's just. It just feels like if your company is going to be called fucking Einstein in it, the name of it, when you do things, when you make brand choices, they got to be smart in some way. Fucking Einstein would never look at a bagel and be like, what is this, some sort of party doughnut? I got it backwards, but you get the point. It does.

It does. Okay. It does imply that up till now, every other bagel has been. Oh, fucking work bagels. It's been business bagels. Business. It's been business. Or no, it would be business doughnuts.

Yes. Business doughnuts. Business doughnuts. Right. Business doughnuts, party bagels. Yes. I heard the word discussing doughnuts. Oh, cool.

He's back. Hey. Hello. I had such a pleasure to be invited back. It's me, Count Doughnut. Count Doughnut, I'm not really plugged into social anymore, so I don't really know how our fans felt about your sort of occupation of the last episode. The only thing they could discuss was that Justin's compression settings were wrong on his soundboard.

Okay, well. But that should be. What does it sound like with a Transylvanian accent when you say non-plus? I think everybody loved me, and I am here not with doughnut news, although you have summoned me by discussing doughnuts. Oh, sorry. It's actually your Count Party Bagel now. Yeah.

Count Party Bagel is here to tell you about new innovation from Heinz. Okay. From ketchup deep fries as vampire fangs to hot dog fingers dripping in ketchup. For years, fans have used Heinz ketchup to add deliciously convincing blood to their Halloween celebrations. I'm salivating already. It's ketchup. Yeah.

Has anyone done either of those things? Now, ahead of what is sure to be a different kind of Halloween celebration, the brand is debuting Heinz tomato blood ketchup. What? To contribute to the spooky fun. Wait. Huh? I'm going to be sick.

Fans have had to navigate a lot this year, and Halloween is no exception. They said, I really hate the brand manager for Heinz ketchup making the obligatory reference to COVID-19 in the context of Heinz tomato blood. Does that sentence end with, and we're just going to throw this fucking thing on top of the pile? Hey, you've already dealt with so many other things. What's one more thing? Blood chip. I hope that for many, many reasons that the pandemic doesn't go on for a long time,

because it would reach a point where in these press releases, like the second paragraph would just start with, you know, so here we are. Are you, as soon as we lick this thing, do you know that we're going to have a good two years at the minimum of just like, we're back, our doors are open, family, community, that's right. Finally, we can lick the counters again. Lick the counters, baby. It's hardies, like non-stop.

Now you eat the hamburgers from our hands. Thank you, first responders, frontline workers. Come buy a fucking Chevy. With Heinz tomato blood ketchup, we wanted to give families a fun way to go big with their spooky celebrations, even if they look a little different in 2020. Hey, Shelley, fuck you. Seriously, that's two in one quote. Wicked it.

Things are bad. What were you saying about ketchup? Thanks for the reminder, though, about the ongoing pandemic. The limited edition bottles are filled with the delicious, thick and rich Heinz ketchup. Fans know with love in a spooky Halloween themed bottle that even vampires within the guilty as charged. Just to clarify from that sentence, you just said it's just regular ketchup in the bottle, but this is the different label.

Yes, Travis, the Heinz ketchup company is distracting you from 200,000 plus Americans dead of covid by putting a different sticker on the ketchup. This should fix it, right? OK, I mean, my spirits are lifted for the last minute and a half. It's sort of occupied a majority of my brain space. So I guess I do have Heinz to think about that. Can't wait to think your teeth in the Heinz tomato blood ketchup from now until October 31st at 11.59 PM CDT.

It's fun that they have to specify the time zone as if you're waiting until within the last two hours of the promotion. Good to get in there. They're giving away 570 bottles of Heinz tomato ketchup to those who participate in a TikTok hashtag challenge launching Friday, October 23rd. I guarantee you that the original amount was 57 and they thought that's not enough. That's not enough bottles. 570 that will fix the ongoing national malaise.

Count Party Donut. I got to tell you, great news. Party. Party. I believe Party Bagel. Oh, sorry. See, in my mind, the Einstein brothers have succeeded in making these two foods completely interchangeable.

But if this doesn't do it for you, Count Party Bagel, you can get the Ed Sheeran one that looks like his arm. And then you can just chomp right into that, imagining that you are draining the viscera from beloved singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran. This promotion started on October 23rd. Can I ask our TikTok correspondent Travis McElroy to check for Heinz Halloween hashtag videos? I've already seen it, Count. It's been on everything.

And I can honestly say none of them have had anything to do with condiments of any sort. People are just slapping that shit on their torquing videos or whatever. Are they torquing or are they about to lift ketchup? No, that's the thing. Maybe there's a bottle present just off screen, but I have been scanning every inch of those torquing videos looking for ketchup and I have seen nothing. Well, there's a... There's a sticker, by the way.

I wanted to quickly describe it. It says Heinz tomato blood on it. That's it. Does that help your family celebrate Halloween no more? It doesn't hurt. Is it that turn things around for you? Sure. At the bottom of the personal list, I just wanted to make one more thing before I disappear into the night.

Heinz can confirm that only the juiciest, ripest tomatoes were harmed in the making of delicious Heinz tomato blood ketchup. Gross. Why is that the line that took you too far for me? It's fucking perverts. Yeah, now... I think they are trying to... That's an asterisk.

I think they're trying to clarify that the product contains no blood. That's good that they cleared that up. It's good that... Anyway, I have to go, fellas. Let me know if I am needed again to help distract you from the ongoing COVID-19 ban. I'll miss you, Count. I'll miss him, too. What?

I'll miss you. Get out of it. Just go. Well, that... Are you sure? Because I could still... No, you need to go. The sun's coming up.

That's okay. I just glistened in the light. No, it's... But there's this... It's a high... Goodbye. UV index. UV index.

Is that crickets? Terrible, terrible bat. He makes the worst bat noises when he... Yeah, it's really unpleasant. I was doing something else and then I heard the bat sound that he left. Yeah, playing Hades. I was sitting in the chair opposite, just staring at him. Looking at him.

Yeah, he's under his throat. Do you want a yahoo? Well, I would just like to do this next question. It's not the kind of question we normally do, and I think we can knock it out pretty quick. Okay. At what point does an aquarium become a zoo? The aquarium near me has three sloths,

which I never thought was weird until I was talking to a friend about it, and she thought it was super weird that there were land animals and birds at the aquarium. How many land animals is too many land animals for an aquarium? At what point does it become a zoo? Or is there a midpoint where it is this aquarium? That's from Elizabeth from Maryland. Well, the only thing I have to go on for this one is the Austin Aquarium, which I think I've talked about on this or other shows before,

is a blighted sort of hell zone. It's the worst building is the old sort of TJ Maxx that they crammed a bunch of sick old turtles inside, and then they started to put kiddie pools full of fish that they bought at Petland in their two, and then they threw in about a trillion parrots, and then for good measure, they were like, let's get some lemurs in there, baby, and put them in the lobby. So it greets people in our fish zoo,

but then people come in and little girl sticks her hand in, does get bit, and then the parents are like, we're suing you, and they were like, the lemur was not vaccinated, and then the parents were like, we're wicked suing you a lot now. I think that you can, I think aquariums should have fish, and zoos get everything else. Yeah, just let them, yeah, just let them keep, keep everything else. It seems, there's so, no, there's so many, all kinds of fish.

Unless, unless. The sloths and the birds are always swimming around. That's cute. Yeah, you don't give them no land. That's cute. I do like that, but wait, you never let them get out of the water? Because the turnaround rate on those sloths, Travis, is going to, the overhead, your sloth in money, is your sloth budget's gonna really break the bank, I'm worried.

You give them a rock, but slowly it gets hotter and hotter while they stand on it. I see, so now it's a sawtrap. Now, this isn't even funny, because this is horrible animal abuse, what I'm describing. Yeah, it's horrible, it's horrible, it's terrible. I think there's so many different kinds of things that live in the water, right? Yeah, more than we know about. Join me as we journey through the blue planet. It's not, it's part of our planet.

The ocean's not a different planet. It is, it's a different planet where the fish and the merman live. I hate that when David Attenborough's like, there's another world below the surface of, there's not. That's our water. It's just all American water. Was that your impression of me, David Attenborough? Because it sounded like my impression of Dracula.

I'm saying the pivot from having Dracula here, Donut Dracula, sorry, Party Bagel Dracula here in my office to having David Attenborough in the office was a bit of a, it was a bit of a swing. While I'm here, do you have any questions about fish? Have you ever been to- Yeah, I'll buy, no, Griffin, shut up, this is a huge opportunity for me. Yes, I'm quite the get. I mean, I was going to ask him a question.

Oh, go for it. Yeah, sorry, I thought you were dismissing- No, David, have you ever been to the Austin Aquarium, David? It's quite great. Yes, I own the Austin Aquarium and I did not appreciate the slander you were talking about. Can I do feedback? Do you do feedback? I didn't see a feedback box, maybe I could do it here.

Okay, I saw a turtle trying to climb over a rock, but it flipped upside down. And it was also- Yes, that's part of the show. But no one did anything about it. That turtle has to learn self-reliance. Hey, David, can I bother you about the Austin Aquarium for a second? Yes, of course. Don't you think it's kind of confusing to have a young woman dressed as a mermaid doing

face paint there in a place that is about the undersea life? Don't you think that's kind of confusing? No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you said dressed as. I have to disagree with you there. She is an actual mermaid. Okay, but what about the one that I did see doing face paint that was dressed up as Anna from Frozen? That is all of that is set under water. It's not, Dave.

Frozen is an underwater movie. Dave, it's not. It's above Frozen. Which one am I thinking of? A little mermaid is the only one that springs to mind immediately, Mr. Atten. Okay, I think- I love that one with the crab. Why didn't you like vaccinate the lemur though, bud?

I tried and the lemur said he didn't want it, and then he said, I'd like to move it, move it, which I really appreciate. I'll give, I'll let you buy on that one. I would forget too if I saw the lemur doing a cool dance. Okay, now I have to go. I'll mount up on my dragon and away we go. Sorry, David, if you could come back to Earth for one second. That was sound there.

What was that? Was that the sound of your dragon or the sound of you communicating with your dragon in the dragon top? Well, don't be a fucking idiot, Justin. Of course, it was me speaking to my dragon. He speaks to me telepathically. And you speak to him through the dragon top? It's a one-way telepathic link.

Read a book. Sorry, that sounds so much different from your other command. He said a different word, Justin. That was me saying, can you believe this fucking guy? And he telepathed back, yeah, a real jag. That's one of the judge your dragons have encountered. Honestly, he barely knows me. Yes.

No, Justin, he says he went to fifth grade with you. Are you still here? Are you flying on a dragon? You keep calling us back with your name questions. Now I'm going to ride this dragon into space. Oh, damn it. He did say he found all the earth animals. So he's going to look for other ones.

Mom, man, he's going to die up there as soon as he gets out of where the air is. He's going to die out there. That last sound translated to, if I've picked up a little bit of dragon tongue, I think that last sound translated to, we're going all the way to space, baby. That's right. Papa David, don't need no more oxygen. I'm good. I miss them.

I miss them too. And I miss our listeners who sadly have to depart from us now that we've completed this episode of my brother, my brother and me. We've had just a hoot. We hope you're hanging in there. I hope you're feeding all your worries and cares to the anxiety alligator who will chomp them up and swallow them down and whisk them away. So you don't have to stress about them anymore and just try to hang in there, pals.

And, uh, go vote. Yes, please. Please fucking vote for Joe Biden. Jesus Christ. Please fucking vote for Joe Biden. Especially, I hear y'all in Texas are trying to pull off a sneaky little job. Don't tell them. Only tell folks who are down with it.

With Joe and his tight fanny. Just get out there and punch in the thing for Joe's tight fanny. And let's ride this baby to Blue Town and fucking embarrass that spanker, the spanky. It's going to be, I can't wait for November 3rd when y'all are like, number one, Texas has turned blue. Number two, there is a basement at the Alamo. We are so sorry that we were not truthful about that. Thank you to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of a theme song into

departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Great tracks and tunes on that one. Lots of, lots of premium cuts on that one. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. I just want to tell you about two great Macaroy podcasts that maybe you're not listening to. First, there's one that my wife Teresa and I are doing where we are talking about the new season of Great British Bake Off. It's called Bake On.

Find it on your pod catchers and we also put it up on our YouTube channel. And also Besties, which Griffin and Justin do with Russ Freshdick and Chris Plant. This week, they talked about spooky games, which I thoroughly enjoyed. But you guys didn't talk about the one with the sanity meter that I believe was on Dreamcast? It was Gamecube. It was Eternal Darkness and I did talk about it. What? Thank you for listening.

I do listen to it. It's my favorite podcast. One of my favorites. I mean, I enjoy several. Also, I tell you lots of great merch on there. You're running out of time to get the October Pin of the Month, which is the Tiger on the Table pin designed by Sam Schultz, which benefits the Marsha P. Johnson Institute and the Sylvia Rivera Law Project.

But you can still get that Sawbones horseshoe crab shirt, the candle nights ornament designed by Lynn Doyle, the candle nights wrapping paper by Justin Gray, the jump scare pin, the thanks for vibing and keeping it tight t-shirt, all of that at MacRoyMerch.com. You can preorder our new upcoming podcast book. Everybody has a podcast except you, which will teach you how to make a podcast that you are proud of.

You can preorder that at themacrooypodcastbook.com. It comes out January 26, 2021. We put jokes in that, by the way. If even if you don't want to do a podcast, you just want to read a book that we wrote, it's fun. We put jokes in it. We put jokes in it. It's good.

You'll like it. You can also preorder the Adventure Zone Crystal Kingdom Book 4 of our graphic novel series at theadventurezonecomic.com. That comes out July 13, 2021. Do you want a Yahoo final one? Yeah. This one is sent in by Aaron. Thanks, Aaron.

It's Yahoo Answers User Anonymous. God, y'all. I'll call them Legion. Legion asks, would you think that Dame Judy Dinch might occasionally visit this royalty category and offer an answer under an alias? Yeah. Absolutely. There's no way she fucking doesn't.

My name is Justin. I'm Travis McElroy, or am I? I'm Griffin. I'm Dame Griffin Dinch McElroy Radio Shack. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad, squaw the lips. I want you. We interrupt the podcast you're listening to to tell you about another podcast.

That's right. We got this with Mark and Hal. That's correct, Mark. This is Hal. We do the hard work for you settling all of the meaningless arguments you have with your friends. So tune in every week on the Maximum Fun Network for We Got This with Mark and Hal, and all your questions will be asked and answered. You're welcome.

All right, that's enough of that. We got this.