My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 535: Ethical Joker Termination

Episode Date: November 17, 2020

Boy howdy, we sure hope nobody listening to this episode is a Joker sympathizer. This bad villain keeps messing up EVERYBODY’s stuff in the big city, especially Bruce Wayne — who is Batman! Too bad there’s no way to destroy his body and life without compromising our values. OR IS THERE? (There is.)Suggested talking points: Travis From Space, DeVito Mouth Mitts, A Bold Trombone Lie, Best In Slot Anniversary, Code Red Cooking, Mandatory BreakfastWays to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Hello, I'm Travis McElroy, and I'm running a bit late, so I recorded my part of the intro ahead of time, and it will be filling in between everyone else's bits. But don't worry,

I've done this show over 500 times, so I'm sure that it will make sense. Weird, it's already off. It's already off. It's already weirdly off. Good one, Griffin. When Travis went to space on the big hero mission to stop the Hubble from falling on all of us, I thought that was brave of him. I did not think about it being a scheduling issue. Ross Perot. I haven't heard that name in forever. Shit, he told us to talk about Ross Perot, and we fucking... Okay, let's try and get... Let's get this shit back on track. Ross Perot, I remember that guy. He used to do

political stuff. He didn't live to see Elon Musk shoot several people into space. He's dead? Okay, this is sounding good, actually. No, and I remember... No, Travis, Elon Musk is very much alive. Fuck Elon Musk. Wow, okay. This is interesting, because what did he think? What bridge did he think... Where did he think we were gonna go with that? I know he hates underground magnetic sort of maglev tunnels. That's a thing he's always kind of talking about. Okay, Travis is half-train. Yes, yeah, our mom was a train.

Toot toot. Okay. This is fucked up now. It is actually getting a little weird. Travis, are you here? I don't think it's that weird, Justin. Are you here with us, Travis, in the room? Nope, still prerecorded. Travis, give me a sign. Hit me, baby, one more time. Travis, give me a few bars of the sign by Ace of Bass. I saw the sign. Okay, so there's not a recording. Open up my eyes, and I am having now living without you. Just a few bars.

Just a few bars. Let you go, oh, oh, I saw the sign. So did you bail out at your space mission? Open up my eyes, I saw the sign. Because you were talking about how you were going to be a brave astronaut, save the whole country from Hubble's terrible... Good one, Griffin. No, but they fucking answer me, because you have been talking for months about this big, brave space mission. You're going to go on with all the astronauts? Do you guys think the Mandalorian also puts a tiny helmet on his penis, sometimes just for fun? Wow, that sucks.

It sucks. We actually should have pre-listened. Now, I'm thinking that. Like, I kind of feel like now I'm the asshole, you know what I mean? It's weird that he didn't make this conversational. But it's not weird, because it's Travis. Is he just walking around hanging brain with his helmet on? In a lot of ways, this is indiscernible from recording a podcast with live Travis. Yeah, it's not really much of a difference. Interesting. It's worth thinking about, isn't it? Is there a satellite phone or something we can use to call

John Glenn, Houston, ask them to patch us through? Hey, guys, I'm back. Is this still the recording? Haha, just kidding, still pre-recorded. So I guess Juice and I can just do this show ourselves. And yeah, God, it would be great to have Travis here, though. I hate Mondays, right? A little long in the tooth, pretty fast.

A little long in the tooth, it feels long. Yeah, it's getting pretty long in the tooth, huh? Okay, you sure you're here now, right? Nope, still pre-recorded. Oh my God, okay, I don't like it. I'm going to move on. This is an advice show where we- I really liked Mamma Mia 2. I don't know what people had against it.

Oh, Griffin's pre-recorded now, too. Or I'm having an episode, one of my midi episodes this far. Pee you, my feet stink. Hey, Griffin, are you back? Yes. I'm not. Do you guys think the mandalore- Great one, guys.

Another great episode. Another great episode. Squirrel, nudge zippers. So we have to stop now. Oh, we're fucking abstracted. We're really dissociating. Anything. Okay, I'm back.

No, I'm really back. This is me really back, you guys. I'm really back. How did it go? Pretty bad, actually. Oh, man. This is an advice show. And I got some advice for you, Travis.

I'll give it to you privately after the show. And cut. Okay, let's go. This is an advice show for the modern era. I want to gift a handmade oven mitt to my drug dealer for Christmas. I think oven mitts are the perfect universal gift since everyone uses them. But I don't know what pattern of fabric to use. The only thing I know about this person is that they both sell and smoke weed.

Is a marijuana print to cliche? What fabric is sure to make my dealer know that I'm actually chill? And I only seem sketchy when we meet because I'm an anxious person. That's from weed wearing in Wisconsin. Isn't this an indictment of our modern society? You know, all we know about our weed dealers is weeds. You know, it used to be back in 1930, you used to invite your weed dealer to dinner every Sunday, you know, and you really got to know them.

And now this fly by night, this fast paced concrete jungle. Now, I know you can know certain other things about your dealer. Like for instance, I know what kind of car they drive and how much money they like exchange for marijuana. Yeah, that's true. Because there's anything I can do. Maybe just sort of go with like a novelty license plate for the kind of car or a key chain that's like, I'm a Honda man, something like that.

What about a picture of their face on the oven mitt with like their mouth open? So it looks like they're biting the hot pan to pull it out. That's funny and fun. And it gets around a lot of the issues that were discussed in the message to us. Also, an oven mitt that looks like a crab claw always lands. That's always good. Maybe you don't have to go so specific. You know what I mean?

Like the oven mitt I use is a black rubber tool, a kitchen tool. It's not funny. It doesn't have shit I like on it. Right. And mine has a photo of Danny DeVito's face with his mouth open that looks like he's biting the pan. Yeah, and every time it has a little sound chip in it. So when you grab it, he goes, ah, it's hot on my mouth. Yep.

Someone passed me some lemon cello to cool this off. Exactly. Hey, what about gingham? Huh. It's a classic, you know? Nice gingham. Gingham fits in so many different kitchen styles. You don't know what kind of kitchen.

You know what it fits, Justin? Yeah. What? Gingham style. Ope, ope, ope, ope, ope, ope, gingham style. Sometimes it's like a contest to see how long we can go to just let the fart kind of settle. To just get, because a lot of the times when there are three hosts on a podcast and one of them just like really rips a beaver of a joke, the other two will immediately jump in to try and distract or

light a candle or try to wave it away or open a window or something. But sometimes it seems like sometimes it seems, oh man, another one, aftershocks. It seems like the two of us are sometimes willing to marinate. Just as an experiment against our listeners. Well, against ourselves too. Because it was pride. There's ego on the line. Well, and money.

And money, Justin. A lot of people forget about that. Our family's living. Yeah, our family's living. But they're all on the line to marinate. You guys get it? Because it's like the sign. It's like sign.

Can we fucking get a Travis? It sounds like gingham. It's 2020. Sai is long dead. Here's a Yahoo that was sent in by Graham Robuck. Thank you, Graham. It's Yahoo Answers user Anonymous. I'm going to call them Chevy asks.

My upstairs neighbor pretends not to be the one playing the trombone at night. What do I do? About once a week for two months now, someone has been playing a trombone in our building. It came from above and was very loud. So I suspected my direct upstairs neighbor. I rang his bell once in the beginning and he came to my door all quote sleepy and quote upset, telling me it wasn't him.

And why now I was also not letting him sleep. I felt so sorry. But now I saw him playing it in the reflection of the window across the street. He's a stone cold liar. What could I do? Huh. I was not anticipating that reveal of I've seen him doing it.

This is there are probably bolder lies that you could tell in this life that we are all sort of sharing together. But I can't think of a bigger one. I can't think of a bigger lie than are you playing trombone? What? No, I was actually asleep. I was actually asleep. See my ears are have a lot of waxy build up in a way that negates trombone sound waves.

Now here's the thing though. Here's I will. Oh, here's the thing though Griffin. Yeah. Maybe just maybe. Maybe. It's unrelated. Maybe he was playing it during the day because he has a trombone that he plays during the day.

Oh, I see. And there's more than one trombone on earth. And if we can all acknowledge that universal truth. I've seen more than one. I've seen more than one in a room. Right. Thank you. I played trombone in band and there were at least two other kids in middle school who played it too.

So there are three trombones on this earth. Now if you get them together and play at the same time, God. The walls of Jericho will come tumbling down. That is why each of me and Chris and I believe Hunter, we all learned one third of the song and would just trade off who was playing it at any given time. Not because we were lazy, but to protect the universe itself. So I'm saying maybe upstairs neighbor plays during the daytime for fun. And knowing this, somebody is trying to frame him by playing at night.

I see. So you're saying that the neighbor could bring out their trombone to show you that it is solar powered. So the idea of him being. Oh, it's too cold. It's too cold for me to play it. I need the heat of the sun upon the brass in order to produce sound with. This is super bone and he can only play with the power of the earth's yellow sun. This is boktai, the trombone.

Jesus, that's a deep one. This is so I feel like you have a sort of unofficial warrant to conduct a sort of citizens arrest investigation. Yeah, a citizen's a citizen's breaking an entering warrant. Is that anything citizens arrest because it's music arrest. I thought we did talk about this once already. You know what, I even as I was saying it, you knew it was bad when you were saying it. Maybe he's not lying and maybe he was sleep tromboning.

Interesting. Yeah. He's been practicing for the big concert, I guess, coming up solo trombone. He's got that big trombone solo in the middle of that squirrel nut zippers song. Yeah. Maybe he plays with the squirrel nut zippers or the Brian Sensor Orchestra. I assume they're still going. It's one of those two.

And he's had it in his head now for a while. Yeah. And now when he sleeps, it's all I can think about and he rises still asleep from his bed. Blast out that solo and then you knocked on his door and he was like, why is this guy waking me up? I mean, it doesn't even have to be him dream tromboning. In his dream, he could be blowing on a big foot long hotdog to cool it off. That's true.

Yeah. Or something else of a sexual nature. It could be one of those things. And you don't even know that that's what you're actually playing a trombone in real life. I will say a someone who admittedly barely played the trombone for about two years in middle school. If you're doing something of a sexual nature at all with the same method you play a trombone, something has gone horribly wrong. Not great.

None of those movements match. Yeah, especially the arm movement. That's bad. Arm movement's not good. The necessitation of an embouchure? Yep. Also not necessary, not great. In any separate piece, the arm movement, the blowing, the embouchure,

any of those individually, I could see that working and somebody enjoying it. All three at the same time. The only person who's going to enjoy that is somebody who is just tromboned from the waist down. Correct. Who like their bottom. Go ahead, Gryff. Just their bottom half got blowed up in an accident. And now it's a trombone.

Now it's a trombone down there. Go ahead, Justin. Now Justin, go ahead. Once you crack into the spit valve, now you're really cooking. Yeah, but it's really hard to do the spit valve while you're playing, Justin. That's why there shouldn't be music in schools. Because you cannot give eighth graders a big metal tube armed with a single button that when you press it, it will dump a not insignificant amount of spit.

Correct. This is a sort of musical teen blowhole, if you will. Yeah, this is a valve on brass instruments. If you don't know, it's a real thing. You press it and all the spit falls out. You cannot give this technology to eighth graders. You cannot. It may school hell for me.

It's also a rare complicated machine that still exists and has not been improved upon in which you might say, oh, the problem with it is it's too full of spit. The only other thing that exists in is dentistry. Yeah. How about another question? My wife and I recently celebrated our anniversary, which was lovely, except for one thing that I needed a judgment call on. I wish, can I say, we used to tell people like, this is just an anecdote.

You don't need any advice. As we get older and I feel less qualified to advise people, I wish we had more questions that would just like judge this. Yeah. I feel like I'm more qualified now as a 40-year-old man to be judgmental. Oh, yeah. Then I am to be nurturing. Oh, yeah.

Need a judgment call. Somehow in the planning of our celebration, it became clear to me that my wife remembered the wrong date for our anniversary. I was going to point this out, but then I remember that this year our real actual date was taking place on top of something that I wanted to take part in virtually. So I just kind of rolled with the wrong date and we celebrated early. No harm, no foul, right? Well, now the day is here and we're getting cards and congratulations from relatives

who have annoyingly accurate calendar reminders and I'm not really sure what to do. Do I fess up? Do I play goalie and block the cards for the day? Do I feign getting the day wrong myself? Do we laugh at our relatives for getting the day wrong, et cetera? Bit of a pickle, this one. And that's from no way I'm putting my name on this. So just generally speaking as a rule, I feel like your wife, remember the wrong date for

your anniversary, that's a whoopsy. That's a mistake, right? And then you kind of just rolling with it because you wanted to take part in this virtual event. You wanted to do a wow raid. You needed to do a wow raid for the big drops. You got Shadowlands coming up soon. You got to get fucking best in slot, baby. But then the problem is that you both had one whoopsy at that point.

It was an even distribution of whoopsies and uh-ohs. But then you, it seems like there was a slippery slope where it's like, oh, we're starting to get cards. I need to do a whoopsy on these cards and throw them in the trash. And then I need to change all our G-cals and then I need to make fun of my parents for getting it wrong. It's a sort of continuation of the whoopsies that makes it think like, hey, you're probably doing the baddest, wrongest thing here. A little bit maybe? A little?

Yeah, you should, you should just come clean, uh, because it will, here's the thing, as Griffin has pointed out, I think the whoopsies are balanced. Uh, they got- They were. They, oh, they were, correct. They got the date wrong and you said, oh, that works for me, scheduling-wise. And you went with it, right? And so now, let me be honest, what you should have done is said, uh, no, darling,

our anniversary is actually two days after that. And, uh, let's do something almost all day. And I will take one hour for this raid that I need to do. That's bad. That's bad. That sucks, actually. No, no, no, it's bad. But you know that what they did was worse, right? We all know that. My, my, here's, I kind of feel like if you're good, we all lie.

Everybody needs to lie to get through the day. We all lie. But I think before you do a lie, before you do a little February ski, you need to, you should make it mandatory that you need to visualize telling the other person about the lie that you need to be able to. If you're going to do the lie, you need to mentally walk through the pace. You have to have a plan for dismantling the lie. There has to be a way to walk it back.

You have to have the path. You're like a little Hansel and Gretel in the forest of deception. You got to leave yourself a little breadcrumbs trail of how to get back to truth and honesty. You had to have walked through in your head and said, well, yeah, see, you got it wrong. And then I didn't correct you because I had to get that best and sloth fury warrior DPS gear. So that is what happened.

And there's the truth for you. Okay, I feel terrible because I think we're starting to border on like gaslighting. Yeah, don't do that. Clearly, I don't know that. No, no, no, no. But unless no, no, no, no, no, trust. Unless could you somehow blame it on daylight? So are you kidding me?

I set you up for a fucking unless and you tried to swoop my own less with your own fucking unless. Unless we got rules here. Unless unless you can say you didn't correct her because you didn't want her to feel bad. Justin, do you maybe here? I'll set up the unless and then Justin, do you maybe want to swoop the unless because Travis just did it twice. You technically could do two. I don't.

I'll go see if Rachel wants to go swoop my own less. Let me go grab her. Maybe I'll go grab my son because he would show about the same amount of decorum that Travis just showed when he swooped my own less. Two different times. Unless she got the date wrong on purpose because she was doing a while raid. She's weed man 420. She is weed man 420.

Brave Paladin. Hero of the land. If you like skipping anniversaries to get your best in slot gear. If you want to get a new cloak. You found your lover right here. And then in the wet raid, you're like, huh? Vicky come clean and apologize the shit out of it. What are you apologizing the shit out of?

If you first off, you're your your AOEs were mis-timed. Whoa, a bold opener for AOEs were mis-timed. Gotta get your dots in order, but also I love you so much. I love you so much. And I'm so glad I can share this. I always wondered what you did in your office with the door locks. And now I know it was play with me in World of Warcraft. I'm going to roll for need on your heart and your love.

I need it. Give me your heart. Give me a cyber kiss and come give me a flesh kiss. Because we're just on opposite ends of the office right now. We really need to pay better attention to things. You know what? Maybe this is where we learn to put down the... Oh, wait, no, sorry.

I just started an instance. Sorry, give me a second. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Just my timer went up. Vicky, I'm LFG. Looking for a girlfriend. They're married. We're actually married.

You are what? Vicky, come back. Wait, come back please. I'm so sorry. I didn't miss speak. We are married. That is true. I'm sorry, Vicky.

I'm going to turn off LFG. I'm LFG. Looking for a good husband to be one on you, to you. Now would you like a mount? But the dots really are shitty. And Travis is being a sexual... The dots, you gotta get it in order. Travis made a sexual joke,

and I didn't think that that was the right time for it. Like, if me and Rachel Pina collided each other, and we laughed it off, like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And then I was like, but let's party. Like, I feel like that's... I guess though that song is about let's... We're trying to cheat on each other. But then we cheat on each other with each other.

Everything's okay. This is... Yeah, this is the... This is the thing that I've actually been thinking about Pia Colla's song. Yeah, go on. Whatever the summer. Go off, Pina. If you're a kid, a young...

A young in... It's about somebody who puts a personal ad in the newspaper for the kind of lover they want to take because they're bored of their current lover. And then that someone answers the ad, and it turns out that it is their current lover who apparently liked other things they thought that their lover didn't like but actually does.

And then they are like, well, I guess we're still together. That's not... The next, like, couple months of that relationship is not a happy story of, I'm so glad you told me you like champagne. It is... This is... We're both deeply unhappy. We're deeply and profoundly unhappy with each other

in lots of large and small ways. And I don't feel like it's a happy ending necessarily. It's... But Justin, they found in each other the unhappiness that clicked. You know, it's like, your unhappiness is like my unhappiness, so might as well be unhappy together, but it turns out we like all the same stuff

that I guess we're just not doing. I wish there was one about kink. That would be fucking great. Wouldn't that be good if that... I want a new version of that song that's just about different kink that you don't think your partner's into. Do you like bondage and hentai? There we go.

Exactly. Do you like wiener-based pain? Ha ha ha! If you like eating old shoes, I'm not sure that's a thing. Let's head to the main. Hey nerd, do you want to... You want to fucking build a website?

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to go to Squarespace.com. Slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace, we'll kill your bully. I don't think that they want, they don't necessarily want that.

I don't think that's actually it. We'll kill you, we've killed before and we'll do it again, motherfucker. Oh, that's better. Maybe it's something like we've killed bullies. Yeah. They're not necessarily saying like. Squarespace, we've killed bullies.

Yeah. You can't prove it though. Well, they did just. Double jeopardy. That's actually works here. Audible's up next. And they said specifically, not to say that they have killed before,

we'll kill again, whether or not it's a bully, a bad guy, you know, the Joker, like whatever, even like the baddest dude. But what they do have. You don't think Audible would kill the Joker? Yeah, actually, you know what I'm saying? Actually, that should be a screening question for advertisers.

Yeah. Like if given the opportunity, would you kill, would you finish the business that Batman isn't willing to? And a lot of people, a lot of people would be like, version of the Joker. And that's it. And if you have to say that, like if you have to couch it like that,

you've already lost our endorsement. Because at a certain point, Batman's just not doing it, and the blood on the Joker's hands is on Batman's hands too, right? Yes. For ages now, yes. I'm not saying that I, like,

am for the death penalty, except for the Joker. Joker's the only one I want to kill. Really, really, really bad. Even like the fucking Adam West, like, I'm a silly clown. Fucking get him. Get him.

That fool, right? You know, if you take your eyes off him for three seconds, he's killed 18 more people. That's on you. He's not coming back from this. Even when he doesn't kill 18 people, he's causing so much mischief in me. Oh, yeah.

He's the clown prince of chaos. You know what I mean? He's like- Fuck that audible. Okay, right, right. Yeah, they do audiobooks, and they're super, super good to listen to. Now, when we're all a little bit cooped up,

they got a lot of spoken word entertainment. They have audible originals. They have daily news digest, and they have soothing audio experiences to help you drift to sleep. And anyone with children at home can use stories.audible.com, where anyone anywhere can stream hundreds

of ad-free, hand-picked, audible titles, completely free, no strings attached. It's a great way of hearing the, you know, kind of stories or news that you want to hear without, you know, being locked to a screen, because, God, we're all getting so much screen time, maybe even a little bit too much. Maybe a bit too much.

Maybe just even a little bit too much screen time. So why don't you have ear time? Why not have sound time instead? Check out Audible right now by visiting audible.com slash brother, or text brother to 500-500. That's audible.com slash brother. Okay, here's what I'm saying.

Batman knows people that kill people a lot, right? So even if Batman is unwilling to do it, he could facilitate it. Take it easy. Where is his line, right? Like, his line in the sand of morality, it seems pretty flexible up till a certain point. And he's like, oh, I arbitrarily draw the line

at killing for some reason, even though the joke, oh, fuck. This is still- What if Bruce Wayne hired Deadshot to kill the joke? Right. This is still part of the Audible ad copy. I'm just saying, we're really over-delivering on the value end of this ad.

This is a very long ad. They've got stories for children, and they also have a detailed plan on how Batman could ethically kill Terminate the Joker's life. Thank you. And sometimes inaction alone would have allowed it to happen. Still part of the copy. Right?

It's like Batman opted not only to not kill Joker, but to not allow Joker to die. A lot of hand-raising here. His unwillingness to kill the Joker, I think at this point, it's becoming- I'm not a fan of capital punishment. I'm not personally- Obviously, yes.

Let me just say that up front. That said, Batman's unwillingness to kill the- Maybe inability, honestly, at this point. His unwillingness to kill the Joker, it's like a trolley problem, but on one end, there's a bajillion people, and on the other end, there's a jail cell that is open in both the front and the back,

and a million other people beyond that. So that's basically what you're- You're either letting them plow into a bunch of people, or cruise through a jail cell, and then go kill some other people. And the track is lined with people. Oh. Is someone going to answer that? Oh, hello.

Hey, boys, it's me, Bob Kerrigan, CEO of Audible. And I just wanted to say, you guys did a bang-up job with that ad spot. You said all the things that we needed you to say about the stories and the great audiobooks that people could have delivered to them. And you said the stuff about ear's time, and I loved that. But then, where you really landed the plane,

I got to tell you, boys, was how you let everybody know how Batman could ethically kill the Joker and end his life and his reign of crime. And that's important to me, Bob Kerrigan, CEO of Audible. Hey, Bob, can I ask your question? Yeah, please go ahead. Why do you think at this point

Batman hasn't just cut off one of Joker's legs? Well, Travis, you'll see that if you continue reading the ad copy. I do have a sort of a second branch of ideas here of just sort of... Oh, it does say, it says right here, why not chop him right in half? Love Bob. Chop him in half, and then, yeah, and then let him waste away on the dirty ground.

Yeah. Just a macro here. Go right ahead. Don't you think at the end of every Joker story in Batman, there should be a prolonged sequence where Batman is investigating Arkham Asylum to see... Why they're so bad. Yeah, just some of them are different.

Why the whole jail is made of Swiss cheese, apparently. Yeah, you don't see I have a lot, actually, in this sort of like book of an email I sent to you, boys, with all the ad copy points. And then if you keep reading, it reveals our big plans in 2021 to have... I'm having to delete some stuff to make room for this. Oh, no, I like this.

You've put... There's an additional PDF here that just says Bob Thoughts. Bob Thoughts, yeah, and so if you read that, there's some good stuff in there like yelling books, and it's like with audio books where we scream them as loud as we can at you. The one I really like here though in Bob Thoughts is you've put,

why not put them in a permanent coma? Question mark. Well, I actually misspelled the word cone. Oh, put the Joker in a cone like a dog cone? Like a big dog cone, yeah. And then I feel like that would really hamper his ability to do big gasp-y gasp-y gasp-y gasp-y crime. Makes him less scary.

God, I hate the Joker. I really do. Yeah, we all do. I really hate that man. I can remember as a child thinking it was odd that here was this can full of meat. I'm Jesse Thorne. This week on my show Bullseye,

David Letterman on shame, regret, and canned hams. Is this the best delivery version of pork? That's this week on Bullseye for Maximumfun.org and NPR. Oh, yes. I started doing it before. I'm even sure if I want to do this. I want a month's squad.

Munchquad Jr. I have a brief, I have two brief notes. This is just two brief notes. The first is that Krispy Kreme has introduced a new caramel glaze. This is such a Munchquad Jr. I'm not even going to bring Count Donut out for, or Count Party Bagel if you prefer out for this one.

I just want to read you the first line of this. I miss him so much. I know. Ask the world of donuts to do better. Krispy Kreme introduces new caramel glaze. Cool. Wait, sorry. Was the first line asked the world donuts to do better?

Or is that? No, no, no. Oh, okay. Sorry, that was being editorializing. I thought that's what they were leading off. They're pros. Krispy Kreme introduces new caramel glaze. Okay.

Krispy Kreme is helping fans melt away from 2020 and into a delicious and creamy world by introducing an all new glaze flavor, caramel. Hey, huh. Are you, is ever, are you guys doing okay in marketing? Are things going all right for you? I mean, I know they've been bad for us here in the real world for a while,

but I can't read fucking Munchquads anymore without them being like, everyone sounds like fucking Lobo waking up from a three day drunk. It's miserable. Everyone is so miserable. God, this year fucking dookie, right? Anyway, we got some new caramel party bagels for you.

Is that anything? Are you happy? It's very evocative though, because they've handled it in a different way, which is like melt away into a different world. They make it sound like if you can somehow climb through the whole of the donut, without breaking the bread completely,

it'll take you to fucking donut Narnia. Well, here's what they don't tell you, take a bite of this party bagel and that caramel glaze. It flows right into your brain ducts, and it's gonna take you into a kind of a virtual world. Your body will still exist here on this plane, but your brain is often to kind of a creamy matrix-like scenario. It's sort of a donut zone.

Yeah, that's what, oh, you've read my thesis. That's what we actually call it, the donut zone. And once you're in the donut zone, Groven, it all kinds of melts away into a creamy world of pleasure. I wanted to mention the Mountain Dew cookbook, which feels like Munch Squad bait to an extent that I'm not gonna luxuriate in it. They're paying tribute to the world's greatest fans

with the release of its first ever cookbook, just in time for the brand's 80th birthday, with nearly 40 dishes to satisfy every craving, provided presumably that craving involves consuming Mountain Dew. The big, bold book of Mountain Dew recipes is a compilation of fan-made, fan-inspired, and fan-favorited creations from some of the most imaginative culinary minds on the planet,

ranging from the quick and easy two-ingredient cupcake treats to the advanced red-red recipe. Wait, really? What can you possibly add to Mountain Dew to make cupcakes come out of them? Is it like flour and dew? No, it would be cake mix, because you can make any, you can do 12 ounces of soda,

plus any boxed cake mix and make a cake that's like a 7-up cake. How complicated does it go, Justin? Well, there's an advanced code red brisket that will entice any BBQ pit master. I want to say this, if the code red brisket is advanced, that means there is a possibility for a failed code red brisket that I don't think it should be legal to consume. I don't think it's fair to say, like, did you...

I'm not sure you did this right. It's a very advanced recipe. This is a bad version of the Mountain Dew code red brisket. The real problem is, is if you enter a catastrophic failed state on the code red brisket, there's no way of letting anyone know in a clearly communicable way. Same if you succeed wildly.

That's true. There's a code red brisket. Call the fire department. No, that's a good thing. It's got bold flavors. And it's got a look at this crust. I love that the cookbook had to specify this is the big, bold Mountain Dew cookbook,

the sequel to the big, tasteful, reserved, restrained Mountain Dew cookbook. They say your grandma's Mountain Dew cookbook. It's got six chapters. I'm going to give a quick rundown. Bad ass breakfast, except the S's in the ass are dollar signs. Even better.

Cowards. Dew lovers can whip up fluffy green short stacks and iconic green eggs and ham that are worth getting out of bed. Ew. What do I get out of bed for? Fucking green eggs and ham made with Mountain Dew. Yeah, my life's not going so good.

It's a fair criticism. Thank you, dad. Dipping with Dew. That I actually don't think it's legal to consume Mountain Dew unless you're dipping. But I think it means this is very good. As somebody who used to clean up movie theaters after movie showings in Huntington, West Virginia,

I can pretty much confirm those two are not strange bedfellows. Dew does dinner? Seriously, epic entrees like Mountain Dew Code Red brisket and Mountain Dew Livewire brined turkey. Oh, boy. Wow, yeah. I'm calling for seconds.

These are not cheap cuts of meat you're ruining here, Mountain Dew. I'll have you call me for seconds and probably calling your ex-spouse to ask her, well, we're wrong and we'll just take you back. And when you can see the kids again, I'm learning to cook, Debbie. Don't you see? I'm trying, goddamn it.

Satisfying sides with snacks like jalapeno poppers and Mountain Dew-infused pickles. Now you'll never have to choose between your go-to party sides and a count of Mountain Dew ever again. I wasn't. What world do you think? I was in in which I had to decide between either a jalapeno bubber or a drink of Mountain Dew.

What is this scenario you presented? Count your calories, but it's Super Bowl Day. You're right. It says that this will be out the week of November 16th, which is where we are now. In time, yes. It is not available on the store currently. Like it's still live.

Another live from a QSR press release. It's a classic QSR calling their bluff. Like, oh, Cal, engage with this. Oh, no, no, no. You weren't supposed to come in here. No, no, no. It's not real. It's just a thing.

Tony Hawk didn't really make a burrito. I want to share this t-shirt that I found with you guys. And Gryff, if you would mind describing the image that you've just been sent, I would love that. Sure, yes. I do think I will claim it's on Slack. So this is actually something that I'm going to buy immediately and wear it until the pits fall out.

I'm going to buy it right now. This is a white and sort of... Hey, Juice, can you go and get me one of those in a large, please? Yeah, go ahead and grab a large for this guy, too. So... I'm not going to also ship it to you. That's a fair point. No, Christmas is coming up.

Oh, Christmas is coming. That's a good point. So this is a white and sort of... Would you say medium, Traff? Large, please. Large, please? Large here, too. Yeah.

OK. This is sort of a neon green and white tie-dye design. They don't have any kid's size. With big, bold, black text on it, all uppercase letters that reads... May... Is that going to feel left out? No, it's fine. No, it's fine.

In... He will if we all wear them at the same time. Which I assume we will. Oh, yeah. It says in big... For photos and stuff. Big, bold, marquee letters. Make MTN Mountain.

Do. Make Mountain Dew Baja Blast available in stores all the time. They have it... I'm going to pass out. They have the Mountain Dew logo right on the sleeve, too, to let people know that this isn't officially licensed product. But that is strong. It is Mountain Dew.

Lobbying Mountain Dew to make their product available. They're Mountain Dew Baja Blast available in stores all the time. The call is coming from inside the house. Right. Or inside the mountain, as they say. This is like when a Roswell fan sent in hot sauce to save Roswell. But it's like if Roswell sent hot sauce out to people to send right back to them to prove that they really wanted to keep watching.

And made the fans pay for the hot sauce. And made the fans pay for $35 for the hot sauce. That's a lot for a t-shirt, Baja Blast. Are you sure? Okay. You know something? I haven't drank Mountain Dew, let alone Mountain Dew Baja Blast in many moons. But if I was at the store and saw Mountain Dew Baja Blast on the store shelves,

I would take a little journey. I would take a little trip back into my own psyche, just to see where I go. I have no idea. I would just like to say if Mountain Dew, I don't know if you have rain or what you're connected to, but if you want to release a series of these that's like, and also Jasta and maybe some surge in there, like bring back orbits.

Like, sure. I don't know that they own all those, but hey, can I do a Yahoo? Sure, I love that. This one was sent in by the wizard Ben Cant, who's superlative. I omitted last week, shamefully. Thank you, the wizard Ben Cant. It's from Yahoo Answers user. They are anonymous, so I'm going to call them.

Jason asks, what are some ways to force hotel guests to go to a free breakfast? I'm assuming this is, I don't think that like a la Quinta is particularly concerned about whether or not every single guest shows up to the mandatory free continental breakfast. I assume this is a sort of mom and pop operation, mom and pop, and they really need to get some of these old biscuits out of here. How to, and I, let's take a current pandemic scenario off the table, because I think that that presents far too many hurdles.

Yeah, like the one big one where they could go and then die from it. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's say that this is in the before or after times. The problem is I forget what the first one is and I can't even visualize and imagine the second. I know, we've been wondering in the desert for a while now. It's all desert, like it's all desert to me now. All I can, all I remember is sand.

Do we use to have like laser dogs that could like bring you, I think I remember like laser dogs. I don't even remember that. Like laser dogs that would bring you an orange. That sounds right, but if you do want to force hotel guests to go to a free breakfast. Anytime you walk by like a, you know, a well ventilated restaurant making smoky foods, it makes you want to go in there and just like, see what's up. I'm not like the biggest barbecue fan, but if I walk by a barbecue joint that's venting their barbecues, their meat stink out into the universe for everyone to enjoy, I kind of want to poke my

head in there and be like, oh, what you guys got going on? And they're like super spicy sausage links. And I'm like, I'll be going then. I'm glad I found out though. Is there any way to do this in an environment where you do control the air conditioning system and where it goes? Well, what if you know this, right? Yeah.

Disney does do it. It's called the Smellitzers. It's called what? Smellitzers. They blast out the, well, you can read it on Main Street. They blast out those, uh, those like candy and baked good scents to try to lure you into the shops and to give you just a fond, a fond sense, but it's artificial. It's not, they're not, it's not, they're just blasting like nostalgia scents.

But then at night time, at night time when they want to get everybody out of the park, they blast the bad smell like Goofy's dick, like Goofy's cooch. Why would you think Goofy's dick smells like that? At the end of a hot day working at Disney World? Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. What if, you know, here's the only thing you need to get people into your continental breakfast is one of those make your own waffle makers.

People go fucking crazy for that. There was a line, when I used to travel back in the before times, if there was one of those babies, no matter how long it took to make that goddamn waffle, people would stand there and wait. They loved pouring that tiny solo cup of batter into that bad boy. Oh, timer went off, time to flip it. Oh, gotta use my little plastic fork to flip that bad boy out of there. People love that shit.

That is a wild, I don't want to get fucking Seinfeld on it because I'm less, like it's not as wild to me that there was a make your own waffle maker system. As much as it is wild to me that there was a batter gun that you kind of just put a little cup under and milked it like a moocow did. But pancake juice comes out. It's a terrible system. It's a terrible system. Also biscuits and gravy.

I'll do that any day of the week if I see anything, even if I'm not hungry. There's biscuits and gravy available. I'll take it. That's a real day determiner right there. Yeah. Yeah, biscuits and gravy first thing of the day. That's really setting a tone that you won't be shaking. You're not getting out of there by 11 a.m.

In hotels, since you asked, get that fucking like terrine of oatmeal out of there. Nobody's touching that shit. What is that? Get that out of there. And you know what? I also don't want to see any plain Kellogg's flakes. Get that shit out of there. Nobody wants that.

Sorry, what do you think? Sorry, stop it. What are plain Kellogg's flakes? Like not the Frosted Flakes. It's just like the Kellogg's Flake. You know, it's just like Kellogg's. Oh, this is great. Now Travis, stop it.

Stop the podcast. What are Kellogg's Flakes? They're like, you know, just like the plain cereal flakes without any sugar on them. No frosting. And those are called, tell me one more time again? I can't remember the exact name, but you know what I'm talking about, Kellogg's Flakes. Is it? Are you doing a bit?

No, you know what the green and red wrists are on it. What are the B-Circles called? The ones that the B endorses and makes so sweet with his stick. And you know what I'm talking about? I think they're called B-Circles or Beos. Are they Beos? Little Beos? Cornflakes, cornflakes.

There it is. Oh, I got them. Oh, thanks, boys. We've talked a lot about the carrot. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about the stick. There's lots of ways to entice your guests to go to your free breakfast. That's what the question is.

The question is, how do I force hotel guests to go? You've got to get them out of their rooms. Yes, that is, yes. You vacuum seal that room, you shut off the air. 6 a.m. They're out of there to go get some. You've sealed it though, sir. They are dead now.

Damn it. Definitely not going to be. Justin, do you want to try? A trail of Cheerios. They'll eat the first few and be like, pretty good. And then they'll be forced to use your logic. They'll be forced to continue by their hunger and their taste for Cheerios. That'll work on a three-year-old who has bad parents.

Work on E.T.? Okay, listen. We got the key cards that open all the doors. They wake up. There's someone with the breakfast right there. Key party. Oh, well, that's not at all what I said. Advertise a key part.

Have you guys ever stayed at a residence in where they advertise the key parties that they have every week night? Like coming mingle with other young singles at the residence in? Can we all agree that a key party with blank key cards with no discerning identification on them would be, I don't know, almost fun? We're going to run around and see what door we can open now. That doesn't matter because you'll get down there and you'll be anxiously eating breakfast.

And then by the end, you'll be like, I don't even actually feel like doing it anymore. Yeah, I'm not in the position to do that. I ate a lot of biscuits and gravy. I actually have you guys ever noticed the experience, the phenomenon of if you go to a hotel breakfast where everything is like pre-packaged, you know what I mean? Where it's like all pre-wrapped, pre-packaged foods,

not prepared on site, all sort of pre-made. You'll see this a lot like Holiday Inn Express. Does it just trigger your urge to steal? Oh, yeah. I see that. I'm like, I'm going to load every fucking pocket I got. I don't know what this day is going to bring, but I am going to have a yogurt at the ready for it whenever it comes.

I'm always surprised that there's not someone standing by there when I'm just like, oh, I'm going to get a plate and some coffee, take it back to my room. They're like, you eat it here or you leave it. Yeah. That has monetary, if it's pre-packaged, this is a monetary value. There's a value to this.

You know what I mean? If I bring a loose scoop of scrambled eggs in my hand, no one's going to pay me for it. But as soon as you contain those scrambled eggs in some way, it has value to your satchel. Sure. OK. So Nick, you're saying next time I go,

I should bring a tote bag that I can just dump the batter blaster like right into. And then that's my batter now, and I can resell it on the street for dollars. It's not that so much as like, if you, if they have like the little pre-packaged containers raising brand, you take one, that's perfectly fine. You take two, no one's going to bat an eye.

But there is definitely at the other end of the spectrum, if you just like, super mark them, sweep them right into your backpack and walk away, they probably will detain you. So what is that? There is a number in the middle at which you are no longer Welcome at this establishment. There is a part of me that acknowledges them that on some level, the people working the counter know an answer to,

how many yogurts can I take? They know it. They won't tell you, but you'll pass that point and they'll be like, hey, you know that's too many. They've also got to clean it up. So for every yogurt you don't take, that's another yogurt they have to love back to the fridge. You know what I mean?

So they'll probably let you take whatever the fuck you please. I'm just going to keep taking yogurts. You tell me when to stop. You tell me. Give me a nod or a sign. Speaking of telling you when to stop, Travis, I'm going to tell you to stop podcasting because we reached the end of another episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me,

an advice show for the modern era. Thank you so much for joining us for another one of these dalliances. We hope you're doing well. Yes, that's right. A dalliance. Hey, I want to tell everybody about a couple of exciting things. One, this weekend, like five days from the 16th, which I assume is when you're listening to this, but who knows?

9 p.m. Eastern time, we're doing a virtual My Brother, My Brother and Me with this Saturday. This Saturday, with Sawbones opening 9 p.m. Eastern time, it's going to be, let's say, weird and probably very enjoyable. Tickets are only $10 and you can get them at live.themacuroid.com. Also, we have a lot of exciting merch, including a pin of the month that is a beautiful whitefish. If I do say so myself from the adventure zone,

it benefits the Loveland Foundation, which is committed to showing out for communities of color and unique and powerful ways with a particular focus on black women and girls. There is also a Steven the Goldfish Keychain by Kate May, a vaccines bumper sticker that benefits the Immunization Action Coalition, which works to increase immunization rates and prevent disease. There's lots of other stuff. Yeah, lots of other stuff.

Yeah, lots of stuff. MacriMarch.com, oh boy. And we've got our book. Everybody has a podcast at 6WU. You can pre-order that at themacripodcastbook.com, which comes out January 26th, and pre-order the Adventure Zone Crystal Kingdom at theadventurezonecomic.com.

Thank you to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song into departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. And I wouldn't mind putting these days to bed to get back to bed and get back to bed. You're in the world of Carmel. It's waiting for you. Yeah, let me in that sweet hole.

That primaverse. So, and then also to MaximumFun.org. Thank you. A sincere thank you. Go listen to all the great shows there. They got shows that will really blow your fucking mind, man. Fantai and Story Break and a whole bunch more. MaximumFun.org.

Do you want the final one? Yeah. Yes. Several people sent in this final Yahoo! Answers question that was asked 10 years ago. Wow. Uh, user DonnieUnion's asked. In what year did Bill Greats invent Microsoft?

I'm trying to use macarons. I'm graphing macarons. Kiss your desk, Carmel. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported. Congratulations. You've won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity

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